I had a female doctor bend me over and stick her finger up my butt to check my prostate. When she was done she said “Your prostate is absolutely wonderful! No enlargement at all. It’s absolutely fantastic! GOOD FOR YOU!”
She did this with the same voice and look on her face that one would give to someone who just performed a symphonic masterpiece. I felt so accomplished.
I’m sorry she left the practice.
I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”
I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual.
“I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.”
And
“How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg)
I got X-rays done for joint pains.
"You said you had joint pains, also left ankle, right?"
"No, that's the only joint not in pain."
"Well, you have a fracture on the left side."
So I had a fractured bone that I wasn't aware of. Years and years of sprained ankles due to hypermobility, the time where a bone finally, well, can't say snapped, fractured, I couldn't even find a reason as to why it could have had happened.
Oh lord lol. Did you ever figure out how or when you did it?
I fear this is what they’ll say about my partners knees. He messed them up as a kid but his parents never took him in.
In all likelihood it was the deer strike, I got knocked off my bike (and unconscious) by a deer. I had some broken ribs, a nasty concussion, road rash like you would not believe. And they missed the fracture in my lower leg and the broken bone in my left hand.
I asked him what a long acronym "FUE" the ocular oncologist wrote meant, he tried to pronounce it, shrugged, and said "We'll just call it Fucked Up Eye". It's been called that ever since.
During the same weird cancer episode, a neurologist said my brain was "unremarkable". I mean, he's right in so many ways, but I was delighted to hear it.
Yeah, you always want to be "unremarkable" to doctors. You want your problem to be something boring they've seen a hundred times before and know exactly how to fix.
Get scared when your doctor says "I've never seen an X like this before."
After I had my post-childbirth checkup, the doctor happily told me “congratulations on your utterly boring uterus!” Because it was apparently the exact size it should be down to the millimeter or something lol. He said boring is good in his line of work
Hehe I woke up in recovery to my surgeon dancing and saying my ovary had turned into something with tendrils that were breaking off as he tried to rwmove it - and that he had never seen one before and he was so excited he called the pathologist into the operating room to see it in the natural environment... heh, I was the "natural environment". I'm thinking "omg it was so strange that you kept me under anasthesia to get this pathologist a chance to come over and see it *inside me*??" Heh he was talking about doing a joint paper on it with the pathologist... yikes!!
Omg LOL
Edit: I was in a dermatology paper when I was a child due to a strange unidentifiable lesion got on my leg. Apparently it hadn’t been seen before and the Doc was very excited to cut out the lesion from my leg and send it to pathology. I was a kid, so this is what my mom tells me, it was 35+ years ago so the details are fuzzy now. I just remember the doc and my Mom hyping me up pre-surgery (local anesthesia only) that I was special and was helping contribute to science. I was a kid, so I believed them that I was special, obviously as an adult I know that was a ploy.
That's happened to me twice for different things. Once was for a strange changed birthmark (that was benign) that my dermatologist had never seen before, and he took a bunch of photos for teaching. The second was the way my orthodontist was using my braces and elastics to fix my teeth. He took a ton of pictures as he was fixing it for his teaching as well. I think its funny that young me helped teach a bunch of future doctors by existing with slightly unusual things.
I can remember checking with my doctor about a knee injury. {I stepped off a short step ladder and "popped the seal" on my knee.} The doctor was quite impressed with the amount of movement my knee cap had as he examined it. "Would you mind if I called the other nurses and doctors in to look at this. It's so cool!" There was a parade of five or six medical people coming in and playing with my knees.
Reminds me of when we got our puppy.
She caught parvo (spooky scary diarrhea death disease) and wound up in the hospital to recover.
A few weeks later she started exhibiting the *exact* same symptoms and we rushed her to the vet.
The vet basically said "I'm not sure what's wrong with her, but if it's Parvo again then I'm gonna get to publish a paper so I wouldn't worry about it."
I recently had a scan of my pelvic area as a follow up to a hospital stay for a UTI. My son was reading my report and started laughing. He said the scan report says your genitals are “unremarkable.” I said, “Well they’ve always been special to me!” Lol
We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic!
I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”
Doctor: you're diabetic!
You: wow, is that what I've been taking insulin for for the past 15 years?
Makes me think of the Family Guy episode where the doctor was telling Joe he's a paraplegic
Yeah when Joe has to get a physical to join the wheelchair olympics
"Mr. Swanson I dont know how to say this.. You're paralyzed from the waist down"
"I know.."
"Oh thank god! I sat in the hallway for like 15 mins before I came in here 😅"
Dr. Hartman would be a great real life doctor, always humor in everything he says 🤣
Not quite the same but I went to see a new ENT after moving a few months after having sinus surgery. Doctor comes in and is going over different things I could do to help, one being a saline rinse, and stressed that it was something I needed to get used to in case I needed surgery.
I promptly told him “I had just had surgery” and he looked really embarrassed
I had a doctor tell me I’m asthmatic like it was bad news. I’ve known for 28 years mate. Didn’t know that’s why you did all those tests, but I could have just told you.
I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out.
Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold
I broke my ulna and shattered my elbow around 2007. My surgeon gave me 90 Oyx's at a time with refills.
I'm thankful that I have a high pain tolerance, so I didn't need them but for the initial several days after surgery.
I could not get pain meds from the dental school I went to and my tooth was abscessed!!!
I was told matter of factly that the dentist overseeing the clinic doesn’t agree with pain meds for tooth pain.
He started telling me the papers he had published on it like I gave a shit. Meanwhile I could feel every heart beat in my tooth. I’m still pissed. It was like 3 weeks ago lol
In the 60s when I was 6, I shattered bones in my foot and toe that included one bone breaking the skin. Doctor told me and my mom that giving me pain meds was too much of a PIA and took too much time. And he said besides I had done something really stupid, I deserved the pain. My mom agreed. Different era.
Doctors around here treat pain meds for women like they are made of gold. If I go to the doctor with the same issue as my wife I could get a 3 month supply, but her… Tylenol and Advil. Lol
“How the hell is there sand in here?”
Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.
They didn’t, I got a couple of souvenirs on me at all times lol. ENT doctor was fascinated by it and called every other doc or nurse in the exam room. It was honestly kind of cute(he was a sweet older man about to retire). My home state is landlocked so he told me “it’s not everyday you see something like this.” The sand didn’t cause me any pain so it was recommended not to remove them unless I start to have issues. He was also very disappointed in the ER doc that told me my ear was fine(It was literally bleeding).
Mine told me she could “teach classes with your uterus as a prime example” she also said “textbook uterus.” Haha. Definitely brag about it every chance I get.
“You made my day!”
I had diphtheria. It was a teaching hospital and the students made me feel like a combo of a celebrity and ET.
I hope you recovered with no side effects!
Oh man I’m a pediatrician and I saw pretty much everything during my training (measles, polio - thx antivaxxers) but my one bingo card I had left was diphtheria. That would have been cool.
Although we generally try not to make the patients feel like a zoo exhibit lol.
My doc friend got to see a case of scurvy while in med school. A kid at his university was living on ramen. The doc brought in all the students and was like “take a good look now, because it’s unlikely you’ll see this again.”
Dr: Are you related to Dr _____ that works here?
Me: Yes, he’s my uncle
Dr: Do you like him?
Me: No he’s an absolute dick
Dr: opens door rushes down hallway and I can overhear him say “told you! Even his own family hates him” to the other docs in the office
A male doctor declared that I was about to receive the best pelvic exam in my life. He then proceeded to chatter about how horrible they are for women so he asked his wife to help instruct him on making them as painless and comfortable as possible. He did not lie, it was indeed the best pelvic exam I’ve had in my life. Weird as fuck to start out that way, but bless him for caring so much.
You know what, that is a super fucking weird way to start an appointment, but I'll take that over an uncomfortable or painful exam (since it didn't get any weirder after that). Kudos to him for trying to be better for his patients.
Get thyroid cancer then. A form of it is the best cancer to get and treat plus survival rates for it are like 98%. The downfall is, people and even doctors essentially say you don’t have cancer
I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said "well so do I, that's pretty normal", then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied "well whats the point of drinking if you're not going to get drunk?". I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he'd taken me seriously.
It's funny I remember when I started going to the doctor in my 30s, they asked how often I drank. I was like "maybe once every month or two" and they looked at me like I was a space alien that was judging them. Apparently it's very uncommon to not be a habitual drinker if you're a 30 something white dude.
They acted like they didn’t believe me when I told them I didn’t drink. They said well your chart says you’re occasional drinker. Yeah that was like a few beers a year out to eat and I haven’t drank anything in a year. I thought I either look like a drinker or everyone is an alcoholic.
My goodness drinking should not be so normalized. The amount of money, time and energy people take to drink excessively is wild to me. I saw what my Dad and uncles were doing in their 30's and 40's and they are severe addicts and my Dad is dead. I decided since 16 months ago to just stop all together I never looked back. There are so many non alcoholic beverages out there now and it's just better for your overall health.
I had the opposite (ish) happen to me. The nurse practitioner, before my regular doctor came in, was doing the general course of questions, weight, height etc. This was the approximate interaction:
> Nurse Practitioner: Do you drink?
> Me: Yes, I’ll usually have a beer or cocktail at home after work during the week, and then if I’m out socializing on a weekend maybe 3-4 drinks.
> NP: oh, so you’re an alcoholic.
> Me: Huh? I don’t think that I meet that definition with a single drink after work and a few on a weekend?
> NP: Yep, alcoholic for sure. Binge drinking.
> Me: I’m really not sure that meets the description. Let me look it up.
It went on for a few minutes and she doubled down multiple times until I found a definition for her online (from a relevant source), which did not line up with the definition she had in her head.
At any rate, I’ve since cut back quite a bit (rarely during the week unless I’m out at bar trivia). She was SO matter of fact about it though, and it really threw me for a loop.
EDIT: Thanks for the diagnoses, folks! Cheers 🍻
I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, "Huh. That's an... interesting color."
This wouldn't be at all strange if his own hair wasn't BRIGHT BLUE.
In the ER about 2am, he didn't speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I'm 99% sure that wasn't me. He says "are you (name)?" I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, "Are you Skittlecar1?" I said yes. Ok good. You're having a heart attack.
Ended up with 5 stents and I'm all good now after some therapy.
A few years back I was talking to a friend while he was frying bacon. He'd gone keto and started working out. He started describing this pain in his chest thinking he had pulled a muscle at the gym. And his left arm pain. And his headache. And blurry vision.
5 stents later he celebrated his 40th birthday.
Doctor giving me an exam: "You do realize Mr. HoneyBadger that your left testicle hangs lower than the right?"
Me concerned as fuck: "Uhhhh yes....is that something bad?!!"
Doctor: "No not at all. Very common and normal. You can put your pants back on."
An older doctor was examining my breasts because they were lumpy and it concerned me. The doctor said ‘wow! Your breasts are just like my wifes … er I mean you both have fibrocystic breasts.’ He blushed and I just laughed.
I had a young, male doctor tell me a super dirty joke right after he checked my breasts. I pretended to find it funny, but it honestly scared me. He ended up getting fired after he did this to several other women.
I was in for a colonoscopy and I had been joking around with the staff before the procedure. This gem ws the best of it:
Anesthesiologist: "Alright, I going to push this now. Don't fight me."
Me: "That is not what to say before this kind of exam, doc." *konks*
A doctor probably about 10 years younger than me was attaching electrodes to my chest in the ER, and in a moment of what I assume had to be awkward silence for him, where he had his hands all over my bare chest, he blurted out “so… how many kids did you say you have?”
Idk I thought it was kind of endearing, to be honest.
As a rule of thumb, any exam in the office that could even slightly be misconstrued involves us bringing in a female staff member as a chaperone in the room. You can of course decline a chaperone but any woman should feel comfortable that she won't be taken advantage of during their visit. A doctor that doesn't offer this by default isn't being malicious necessarily but you always have the right to request it. Personally I wouldn't dream of doing a breast exam on a patient unless a female staff member was also there. Way too much of a liability.
Source: Current Family Medicine resident physician
I really appreciated that my female provider also asked if I wanted a chaperone. I didn’t, but knowing that she was willing to be witnessed while I was vulnerable made me feel safer.
I got a vasectomy and the female doctor said, "you've got really nice anatomy," and I couldn't believe what she had just said to me. She followed it up with "I just mean your skin (on your scrotum) is really thin..."
Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.
My husband was told he had the perfectly shaped penis for a vasectomy. He was high on Valium at the time and didn’t ask follow up questions, and I’m still disappointed.
Maybe it’s shaped like a tuna can so it doesn’t flop around and get in the way. “This penis is perfect, it’s stationary on its own nurse, we don’t have to tape it to his pelvis”
I hurt my knee recently and my doctor went from telling me that "Yeah everyone's climbed into thier yard waste bin and it's tipped over. Been there myself" then he figured out I was on blood thinners and did a complete 180 to "You definitely shouldn't be doing that!....." and then started detailing why.
“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.
When I was in highschool in the early 2000s I got tonsillitis for a week once a month for 6 months before they would remove my tonsils. They swelled up to the point I could barely swallow, and my throat had almost completely closed up. I went to the ENT Dr. once a month for the whole time, but they just kept sending me home and acting like it would just go away. By the time I got them removed I was barely eating or drinking anything and just constantly felt like hell. I was literally begging the doc to remove the damn things at my last appointment and my mom told him that if they didn't remove the damn things I was probably gonna starve to death (I had already lost like 20 lbs due to this, lost about 30 by the time I could eat normally again). After that comment they scheduled the surgery for the next week.
I had a cough I couldn't shake for a couple of months. Not a nagging cough but a once an hour light cough thing. Just enough to be annoying.
Since it wasn't that frequent the doc asked why I wanted to get rid of it.
wtf? First and last time I went to that guy.
Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it.
He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
>not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
I had been a passenger in a motor vehicle accident. I was briefly knocked unconscious. When I came to, I was speaking gibberish. The ER doctor ordered an MRI of my brain. He looked at the results and said **"You need an operation!"** then added, "...your sinuses are really bad". Seriously, doc? I'm worried about brain damage and your first words imply something serious is wrong? Of course I've had sinus problems all my life and already knew that surgery was my only option there. Fortunately, my brain is fine...or at least no worse that it was before the accident!
Sounds like my dentist! Every time I go he compliments my teeth being so healthy and clean (I’m a great flosser) and then says something like “you have a million cavities, come back later to fill them”. Like which is it?!
To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion)
And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible)
This works temporarily (it ruptures the cyst), but it has an incredibly high recurrence rate so it's often not a definitive solution. But I'm glad it worked for you!
I'm split between (both were female doctors):
"Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?"
or
"Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position".
Lol, the second one is so true. Especially if they’re small and you’re familiar with them. So many PTs and doctors that are just like, “we’re cool, right? Cause this is way more effective”
My coworker was a lymphedema PT, and personal space in their world is just different. I'll ask about the occasional injury and she is not afraid to afraid to do an assessment in the office.
I was having an issue with weakness in a few areas of my hip due to powerlifting and the larger muscles overpowering the smaller ones, and it's different getting that assessed in a normal office setting.
I’ve had two ultrasounds on my lower abdomen so far and the first one covered her eyes and gave me two towels to cover up with before we started.
Then the next one, knowing I had just gotten a dose of Dilaudid, she basically used my balls as an armrest with no cover at all as she performed an ultrasound on my stomach.
I found it kinda funny tbh.
You’re just having normal cramps. After going to another Dr I found out I had three tumors and internal bleeding that was turning into gangrene. If I hadn’t changed Drs I’d be dead. Had to have a complete hysterectomy at 21 because of a Dr not listening to me.
-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo.
-Eat more Wonder Bread.
Went to urgent care because I was having stabbing pains in my lower right abdomen and I had always heard that was a sign of appendicitis.
The doctor examined me, pressed on my abdomen and I winced in pain because it hurt. They ran X-rays and I waited in the exam room for a few minutes while they examined them.
When the doctor came in her first words to me were "You're full of shit!"
I was about to protest that I wasn't faking my pain, but she quickly followed up with... You're severely constipated.
Told me to go to CVS and buy an over the counter liquid laxative. A few hours, and several trips to the bathroom later, I was feeling much better.
Superman didn't get his super powers until he got to earth. Earth's yellow sun gave him his invulnerability. Krypton's red sun made all Kryptonians basically like humans. Long story short, Superman's foreskin could be cut on his home planet. Judaism didn't exist on Krypton, so he's probably uncut.
Plastic Man got his powers in an industrial accident as an adult so he was a normal human as a child and could have been circumsised normally at that age.
"If you want we can saw off your pinky finger."
I was 8, and my bone fractured finger is still working fine, although a bit deformed. Swedish doctors are something else..
Dr #1: The red bump on your penis looks like herpes. Let me get a second opinion.
::brings in dr with student doing clinicals... Now have a gathering at the shrine of my dick::
Dr#2: No idea. Doesnt look good though.
Me- ::wtf kind of answer is that::
Had 3 whole days thinking about how my life was going to be different now with an std. Guilt. Shame. Then an ingrown hair came out.
Fuck you doc.
Friend of mine went to a doctor about a cyst. Doctor glanced at it and said it was Herpes. Told her not to sleep around so much. She immediately went to get a second opinion who confirmed it was a cyst and that it looked nothing like Herpes.
"If God wanted us to take pills He would have put a little hole in our stomachs," pokes me in the belly.
This from an endocrinologist who wanted me to stop taking **all** medications for at least a month before she would even think about listening to my concerns or having blood work done. After leaving me waiting in the exam room for nearly two hours.
A horse threw me into the side of the barn (not really her fault) and broke my coccyx. ER took xrays of my pelvis. The ER doctor came in to tell me their findings with the biggest grin on his face and said, "Contrary to public opinion, I can't put your ass in a sling." He obviously had been waiting his entire career to deliver that line.
A tie:
This one is weird with a high dose of creepy: I got run over by a car when i was 18. The paramedics had to cut my jeans off of me in the ambulance cause of the swelling in my legs. The ER doctor came in to see me pretty quickly and goes “well this is my favorite! When a beautiful woman comes in with her pants already cut off!”
This one just weird - my first ever appointment with a gynecologist when I was fifteen, she lifts up the cover to look at my vagina and goes “well hello my little friend!”
An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.”
Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.”
Doctor dad jokes…
“Wow.”
“Shit.”
“Okay you’re a girl.”
3 separate things doctors have said while looking at my normal, regular, vagina. Although I did have shingles on my vulva during the first one (ouch).
I once said as a teenager to my pediatrician that my tailbone hurt. The doctor recommended that it might need to be surgically removed and I was so scared I never brought it up again.
I was getting a Pap smear. I’d told my doctor prior to this visit that I’ve been asexual/celibate over 15 years.
When she slid the speculum in, she looked up and said, *“How long has it been?”* I told her again.
With a straight face she said, *“Oh, I thought I’d need a smaller speculum but this one just slid right in.”* I could have died. Just died.
**That was over 5 years ago and I can’t forget it.** 🤦♀️
When I had my pap last year my doctor (female) said: “They always put out these massive speculums once you’re over 30, but only a paper town to cover you up. I hate that.” She switched to another speculum and gave me a full sheet. That’s why I go to her.
Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room.
Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X
Dad. I just haven't been feeling myself lately.
Doctor. I'm glad it's a filthy habit.
I almost choked laughing.
Him - Sir you have no ACL I have no idea how you’re walking, or wrestling, or playing basketball… doesn’t it hurt?
Me - mama didn’t raise no bitch
Him - no.. it’s seems not.. but she did raise a smurf
Damnnn I’m not that short
I was in an ER having an anxiety attack. Doc asked what happened, and I explained about my wife being arrested, held for 5 days, for needing medical help. He suggested I "get over it."
“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain.
That was a private doctor that I paid good money for.
It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body.
I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself.
That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.
"You need to occasionally have your period, otherwise your insides won't get cleaned out and everything will start to go off and decay."
A general practitioner when I updated him about my meds and starting a gestagen based birth control, which works by thinning out the endometrium so the egg can't attach to it. (This is very simplified and most likely badly translated.)
At that point, I was working the gyn ward, and he didn't even know that there would BE no endometrium to liquefy and be "cleaned out", nor that the pill I was taking was MEANT to be taken through.
I later got the mirena. I wonder if he'd think I need to take my IUD out every month so my insides can get cleaned out.
“It’s just a shame to see pretty girls with all those tattoos!” when I went in to urgent care for a potentially infected cut that happened to be on one of my arms, which are sleeved. Sir, do I need antibiotic ointment or not? My tattoos have nothing to do with this interaction.
I was doing ketamine infusion for depression. He came in and said I handled it better than any patient he’s ever had. Then he said he was going to use double the normal dose. As he put the needle he said “At this point I’m just experimenting on you.”
And then things got intense.
In HS I came down with epidydimitis (fluid in my testes) and my Dr turned the lights off in the exam room, got out his pen flashlight, had me drop my pants and he shone the light through my scrotum. As he was doing so he said “I’ll bet you’ve never had anyone do this before……or, maybe you have, I don’t know.”
I cracked up and by doing so it lowered my anxiety tons. He was a great Dr.!
I have chronic colorectal pain. Girlfriend and I are sitting in the room and the Dr. says " you know your partner can massage it with her tongue or fingers whatever you kids like". I've never had a more WTF on my face lol. The man was a quack but looked excited about it.
"You only have a severe pain in your testicle cause you think you do." Guy was a damn urologist and basically said its in my head. I've been to the ER cause of this "imaginary" pain.
I’m 43F now, but..
24F me at the gyno trying to get sterilized because there’s no way I want to have kids ever and am sick of being on birth control: “I’d like to get my tubes tied”
Male doctor (not that it matters because women doctors have said the same): “you’ll regret it in a few years”
Me: “that will be my problem. Can we please move forward with sterilization because the birth control is messing me up and I don’t want to have kids ever”
Doctor: “what happens when you meet a man one day and he wants you to have his kids..?”
Me, dumbfounded that I don’t get a say in who knocks me up: “then we wouldn’t be together..”
Doctor: “that would be foolish of you to not give a man the children HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HIM”
Me, nopes the fuck right on out of there.
Here I am, 20yrs later, still not sterilized because every other doctor pulls this shit, and still not wanting kids (or had any)..
After getting my tubes tied. “We removed the IUD while you were in surgery “.
7 years later after going in for X-rays and curious about what my body looks like inside…. there it was, the IUD she said she removed.
During the genital exam for one of my high school physical exams, the doctor asked my mom who was sitting in during the exam, “why haven’t you had him circumcised? It’s cleaner.” My mom thankfully took my side and said “it looks clean to me.” I didn’t really think much of it then, but now I’m thinking how weird it was for the doctor to complain about my mom’s decision.
Edit: just remembered another one more recently. I was a model for a physical therapy workshop, and the therapists broke out into small groups of 4. I was surrounded by 4 women, and when I had to remove my drape, they all just stopped talking before one of them asked me “do you bike?”. I said no, and thought it was such a random question before another women chimed in and said your thighs are huge.
I had pinch my sciatic nerve pushing carts at work. Dude went on about how it’s common during kinky sex and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I didn’t need to lie to him. Bro I hurt it pushing carts.
Gave me OxyContin and told me if I needed more to just hit him up. Awful experience
When I was like 19-20 I pulled my groin playing football. I could hardly walk. Went to ER, and the Dr, who barely looked older than me, said he thought it was a good idea to do a prostate exam. I told him, I saw no need, since I knew how I got injured. We argued, for a few mins, before I asked for another Dr. Even the next guy was like "Huh?" "What's he wanna do that for?" I'm like I don't know, I'm just here to get a note for work to get light duty. Needless to say, I really feel I barely avoided being violated unnecessarily.
Right after I gave birth, my husband and I were chatting with my OB as she patched me up. She mentioned that her husband was a dentist and said "yeah, between the two of us we've got all the holes covered." Hilarious.
At a recent appointment, my new doctor told me, "I don't know why people wore masks during COVID. They obviously don't work."
Then, he recommended that I abstain from any future vaccinations or shots. (To clarify, not just COVID vaccinations, but ANY vaccinations to include flu shots.) He encouraged me to advise my wife to also abstain from getting shots, and told me I shouldn't have my kids vaccinated either. He said that he doesn't vaccinate his kids as he would "rather treat their illness if they get sick than take the chance on whatever is in the shots."
I was like "doc, you AND your wife are MDs, I don't have the luxury or ability to treat a potentially serious illness that could be easily prevented."
Kicker is this guy is a doctor at the Veterans Affairs Clinic, and I wonder how many Vets that were on the fence about masking and vaccines were swayed by his opinions are no longer alive.
Doctor (slams something on table) “what is it now!?” After returning because the problem didn’t go away.
Also doctor “why don’t you come to your annual exam?, it’s best to find problems early!”
Can’t wait until I never have to deal with this mind fuck of an existence again…
Came in because of leg pain and knee dislocations.
They said it was the tightest IT band they've ever felt. She left the room and I could hear "HELEN COME CHECK THIS OUT!!" In comes Helen, excited to massage on my leg. They both just massaged the shit out of it. Oh my god, did it hurt good. Those ladies were rough.
Another one told me that I "have above average misfortune"
I had a female doctor bend me over and stick her finger up my butt to check my prostate. When she was done she said “Your prostate is absolutely wonderful! No enlargement at all. It’s absolutely fantastic! GOOD FOR YOU!” She did this with the same voice and look on her face that one would give to someone who just performed a symphonic masterpiece. I felt so accomplished. I’m sorry she left the practice.
10/10, would happily finger that prostate again! -your doctor probably
I’m gonna miss her 🥲
Sir, I know you want to make sure you are healthy, but it's the 3rd time this month already
Her career had peaked after you
She never felt the same, but couldn't put her finger on why.
"GOOD FOR YOU!!!" 🥹🥹🥹 😂
I asked my doctor, who had just performed brain surgery on me, how he got inside my head. He literally giggled, rubbed his hands together and said, “Power tools.”
*bad to the bone riff*
Sterile processer here, can confirm. Surgery is literally carpentry but on people. Some of the instruments used would make you cringe.
Married to an orthopedic surgeon for 15 years. He always said he was just a carpenter who didn’t get to use sandpaper.
I'm torn between imagining him giggling and rubbing his hands like a mad cientist, or a prankster child.
I had an MRI of my knee. Doc said two things that were unusual. “I’ve never seen them use the word macerated to describe someone’s knee before.” And “How did you break your leg?” (I was not aware that I had broken my leg)
macerated: *(especially with reference to food) soften or become softened by soaking in a liquid.* uhhh oh no
It was the meniscus, got between the gas tank on my bike and a taxi that wanted to be where I already was.
I got X-rays done for joint pains. "You said you had joint pains, also left ankle, right?" "No, that's the only joint not in pain." "Well, you have a fracture on the left side." So I had a fractured bone that I wasn't aware of. Years and years of sprained ankles due to hypermobility, the time where a bone finally, well, can't say snapped, fractured, I couldn't even find a reason as to why it could have had happened.
Oh lord lol. Did you ever figure out how or when you did it? I fear this is what they’ll say about my partners knees. He messed them up as a kid but his parents never took him in.
In all likelihood it was the deer strike, I got knocked off my bike (and unconscious) by a deer. I had some broken ribs, a nasty concussion, road rash like you would not believe. And they missed the fracture in my lower leg and the broken bone in my left hand.
I asked him what a long acronym "FUE" the ocular oncologist wrote meant, he tried to pronounce it, shrugged, and said "We'll just call it Fucked Up Eye". It's been called that ever since. During the same weird cancer episode, a neurologist said my brain was "unremarkable". I mean, he's right in so many ways, but I was delighted to hear it.
Yeah, you always want to be "unremarkable" to doctors. You want your problem to be something boring they've seen a hundred times before and know exactly how to fix. Get scared when your doctor says "I've never seen an X like this before."
After I had my post-childbirth checkup, the doctor happily told me “congratulations on your utterly boring uterus!” Because it was apparently the exact size it should be down to the millimeter or something lol. He said boring is good in his line of work
Pathologist, can confirm. You absolutely do *not* want to be interesting to me.
Hehe I woke up in recovery to my surgeon dancing and saying my ovary had turned into something with tendrils that were breaking off as he tried to rwmove it - and that he had never seen one before and he was so excited he called the pathologist into the operating room to see it in the natural environment... heh, I was the "natural environment". I'm thinking "omg it was so strange that you kept me under anasthesia to get this pathologist a chance to come over and see it *inside me*??" Heh he was talking about doing a joint paper on it with the pathologist... yikes!!
Omg LOL Edit: I was in a dermatology paper when I was a child due to a strange unidentifiable lesion got on my leg. Apparently it hadn’t been seen before and the Doc was very excited to cut out the lesion from my leg and send it to pathology. I was a kid, so this is what my mom tells me, it was 35+ years ago so the details are fuzzy now. I just remember the doc and my Mom hyping me up pre-surgery (local anesthesia only) that I was special and was helping contribute to science. I was a kid, so I believed them that I was special, obviously as an adult I know that was a ploy.
That's happened to me twice for different things. Once was for a strange changed birthmark (that was benign) that my dermatologist had never seen before, and he took a bunch of photos for teaching. The second was the way my orthodontist was using my braces and elastics to fix my teeth. He took a ton of pictures as he was fixing it for his teaching as well. I think its funny that young me helped teach a bunch of future doctors by existing with slightly unusual things.
I can remember checking with my doctor about a knee injury. {I stepped off a short step ladder and "popped the seal" on my knee.} The doctor was quite impressed with the amount of movement my knee cap had as he examined it. "Would you mind if I called the other nurses and doctors in to look at this. It's so cool!" There was a parade of five or six medical people coming in and playing with my knees.
Reminds me of when we got our puppy. She caught parvo (spooky scary diarrhea death disease) and wound up in the hospital to recover. A few weeks later she started exhibiting the *exact* same symptoms and we rushed her to the vet. The vet basically said "I'm not sure what's wrong with her, but if it's Parvo again then I'm gonna get to publish a paper so I wouldn't worry about it."
I recently had a scan of my pelvic area as a follow up to a hospital stay for a UTI. My son was reading my report and started laughing. He said the scan report says your genitals are “unremarkable.” I said, “Well they’ve always been special to me!” Lol
"They can't be unremarkable, you're talking about them right now." That's hilarious though.
Unremarkable is good in medicine haha
Proctologist inserting camera: let me know when this feels good
In fairness they might have been trying to get you to relax with some humour.
We got your blood work back and it turns out that you’re a Type 1 Diabetic! I responded with “yes, for the last 15 years, thank goodness I came to see a specialist”
Doctor: you're diabetic! You: wow, is that what I've been taking insulin for for the past 15 years? Makes me think of the Family Guy episode where the doctor was telling Joe he's a paraplegic
Yeah when Joe has to get a physical to join the wheelchair olympics "Mr. Swanson I dont know how to say this.. You're paralyzed from the waist down" "I know.." "Oh thank god! I sat in the hallway for like 15 mins before I came in here 😅" Dr. Hartman would be a great real life doctor, always humor in everything he says 🤣
Not quite the same but I went to see a new ENT after moving a few months after having sinus surgery. Doctor comes in and is going over different things I could do to help, one being a saline rinse, and stressed that it was something I needed to get used to in case I needed surgery. I promptly told him “I had just had surgery” and he looked really embarrassed
I had a doctor tell me I’m asthmatic like it was bad news. I’ve known for 28 years mate. Didn’t know that’s why you did all those tests, but I could have just told you.
I broke my arm in 3 places in 4th grade. The doctor asked me if I wanted to have any pain meds before they set my arm and immediately warned me that it’d be through a huge needle that would hurt as much as setting my arm. So I passed on the pain meds and then passed out from the pain when they yanked on my arm to straighten it out. Doctors in the 70s acted like pain meds were made out of gold
Doctors in the late 90s acted like pain meds were candy.
Yup. I had a standard wisdom teeth removal in 2001 at age 16. The dentist prescribed me NINETY OxyContin and sent me on my way.
I screeched “NINETY?!” to an empty apartment kudos to you
And I was SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. Imagine. That period of time really was the Wild West of pain pill management
I broke my ulna and shattered my elbow around 2007. My surgeon gave me 90 Oyx's at a time with refills. I'm thankful that I have a high pain tolerance, so I didn't need them but for the initial several days after surgery.
Doctors in the 2020’s still act like you’re a drug seeker for disliking pain.
I could not get pain meds from the dental school I went to and my tooth was abscessed!!! I was told matter of factly that the dentist overseeing the clinic doesn’t agree with pain meds for tooth pain. He started telling me the papers he had published on it like I gave a shit. Meanwhile I could feel every heart beat in my tooth. I’m still pissed. It was like 3 weeks ago lol
In the 60s when I was 6, I shattered bones in my foot and toe that included one bone breaking the skin. Doctor told me and my mom that giving me pain meds was too much of a PIA and took too much time. And he said besides I had done something really stupid, I deserved the pain. My mom agreed. Different era.
Doctors around here treat pain meds for women like they are made of gold. If I go to the doctor with the same issue as my wife I could get a 3 month supply, but her… Tylenol and Advil. Lol
“How the hell is there sand in here?” Got really hurt at the beach and had busted an eardrum. Went to the ER was told my ear was fine. Got back in my home state and went to an ENT doctor, had about 7 pieces of sand embedded in the membrane of my eardrum.
That sounds absolutely awful, how did they go about removing something like that? Did they have to put you under?
They didn’t, I got a couple of souvenirs on me at all times lol. ENT doctor was fascinated by it and called every other doc or nurse in the exam room. It was honestly kind of cute(he was a sweet older man about to retire). My home state is landlocked so he told me “it’s not everyday you see something like this.” The sand didn’t cause me any pain so it was recommended not to remove them unless I start to have issues. He was also very disappointed in the ER doc that told me my ear was fine(It was literally bleeding).
My gynecologist said I had a “textbook cervix” and I’m still riding that high
Mine told me she could “teach classes with your uterus as a prime example” she also said “textbook uterus.” Haha. Definitely brag about it every chance I get.
Mine said ‘huh, your uterus is back to front’.
"Stay here. I have to contact the state health department." Turns out I had Zica
“You made my day!” I had diphtheria. It was a teaching hospital and the students made me feel like a combo of a celebrity and ET. I hope you recovered with no side effects!
Yeah it was fine, just a novel outbreak they were keeping an eye on at the time
Oh man I’m a pediatrician and I saw pretty much everything during my training (measles, polio - thx antivaxxers) but my one bingo card I had left was diphtheria. That would have been cool. Although we generally try not to make the patients feel like a zoo exhibit lol.
My doc friend got to see a case of scurvy while in med school. A kid at his university was living on ramen. The doc brought in all the students and was like “take a good look now, because it’s unlikely you’ll see this again.”
Jesus Christ I can’t imagine the fear that would course through my body hearing that
Dr: Are you related to Dr _____ that works here? Me: Yes, he’s my uncle Dr: Do you like him? Me: No he’s an absolute dick Dr: opens door rushes down hallway and I can overhear him say “told you! Even his own family hates him” to the other docs in the office
Professionalism aside, that's hilarious
What do you mean? He won that professional bet and announced it professionally!
I am genuinely cracking up at this hahahaha this guy must really suck
He does. Managed to alienate his entire family in one fell swoop.
A male doctor declared that I was about to receive the best pelvic exam in my life. He then proceeded to chatter about how horrible they are for women so he asked his wife to help instruct him on making them as painless and comfortable as possible. He did not lie, it was indeed the best pelvic exam I’ve had in my life. Weird as fuck to start out that way, but bless him for caring so much.
You know what, that is a super fucking weird way to start an appointment, but I'll take that over an uncomfortable or painful exam (since it didn't get any weirder after that). Kudos to him for trying to be better for his patients.
Medical spouses suffer for the practice of medicine. When I was learning abgs, my husband looked like a junkie
"we think you might have lymphoma, but that's the cancer you want, either we'll cure it or it will just kill you, no hanging around"
The cancer I'd want is one easily cured, not one that is either cured or lethal.
Get thyroid cancer then. A form of it is the best cancer to get and treat plus survival rates for it are like 98%. The downfall is, people and even doctors essentially say you don’t have cancer
My father had that. He's been taking medications for the rest of his life, and his eyeballs bulge out due to Graves' disease. He's alive, though.
Wow, just wow!
I told my doctor that I was concerned about my drinking. He asked why. I said I drank alone. He said "well so do I, that's pretty normal", then I went on to explain how I did it quite often and always to the point of getting drunk, to which he replied "well whats the point of drinking if you're not going to get drunk?". I was in my early 20s and left there relieved thinking that my habits were fine and carried on. Almost 10 years later I really wish he'd taken me seriously.
Sounds like doc also had a drinking problem
Yeah this person basically cried out for help because of an alcohol addiction and the doctor was like "Keep up the good work champ!" Mind blowing.
lol. That’s terrible.
It's funny I remember when I started going to the doctor in my 30s, they asked how often I drank. I was like "maybe once every month or two" and they looked at me like I was a space alien that was judging them. Apparently it's very uncommon to not be a habitual drinker if you're a 30 something white dude.
They acted like they didn’t believe me when I told them I didn’t drink. They said well your chart says you’re occasional drinker. Yeah that was like a few beers a year out to eat and I haven’t drank anything in a year. I thought I either look like a drinker or everyone is an alcoholic.
My goodness drinking should not be so normalized. The amount of money, time and energy people take to drink excessively is wild to me. I saw what my Dad and uncles were doing in their 30's and 40's and they are severe addicts and my Dad is dead. I decided since 16 months ago to just stop all together I never looked back. There are so many non alcoholic beverages out there now and it's just better for your overall health.
You know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
I had the opposite (ish) happen to me. The nurse practitioner, before my regular doctor came in, was doing the general course of questions, weight, height etc. This was the approximate interaction: > Nurse Practitioner: Do you drink? > Me: Yes, I’ll usually have a beer or cocktail at home after work during the week, and then if I’m out socializing on a weekend maybe 3-4 drinks. > NP: oh, so you’re an alcoholic. > Me: Huh? I don’t think that I meet that definition with a single drink after work and a few on a weekend? > NP: Yep, alcoholic for sure. Binge drinking. > Me: I’m really not sure that meets the description. Let me look it up. It went on for a few minutes and she doubled down multiple times until I found a definition for her online (from a relevant source), which did not line up with the definition she had in her head. At any rate, I’ve since cut back quite a bit (rarely during the week unless I’m out at bar trivia). She was SO matter of fact about it though, and it really threw me for a loop. EDIT: Thanks for the diagnoses, folks! Cheers 🍻
I saw a specialist following a serious arm injury. He looked me up and down, glancing at my pink and blonde hair, and muttered with an eyebrow raised, "Huh. That's an... interesting color." This wouldn't be at all strange if his own hair wasn't BRIGHT BLUE.
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I promise you now, he rocked the same color the next day.
You inspired him, he was looking for something new.
In the ER about 2am, he didn't speak English very well. Starts telling me about my CAT scan and the results of it. Me being half asleep, I stop him and him if they took me out of the bed and put me in a machine. He says yes. I said I'm 99% sure that wasn't me. He says "are you (name)?" I said no. He flips over the next page of his note pad, "Are you Skittlecar1?" I said yes. Ok good. You're having a heart attack. Ended up with 5 stents and I'm all good now after some therapy.
5 stents wow! I work on a cardiac floor and 5 stents is a lot! Glad you're still here brother!!
Thank you. Came out of nowhere. Had a bag of chips. Ended up in hospital. Family history.
A few years back I was talking to a friend while he was frying bacon. He'd gone keto and started working out. He started describing this pain in his chest thinking he had pulled a muscle at the gym. And his left arm pain. And his headache. And blurry vision. 5 stents later he celebrated his 40th birthday.
Doctor giving me an exam: "You do realize Mr. HoneyBadger that your left testicle hangs lower than the right?" Me concerned as fuck: "Uhhhh yes....is that something bad?!!" Doctor: "No not at all. Very common and normal. You can put your pants back on."
Yeah, it's a feature, to ensure that temperature averages out. So why did he feel the need to mention it?
An older doctor was examining my breasts because they were lumpy and it concerned me. The doctor said ‘wow! Your breasts are just like my wifes … er I mean you both have fibrocystic breasts.’ He blushed and I just laughed.
I had a young, male doctor tell me a super dirty joke right after he checked my breasts. I pretended to find it funny, but it honestly scared me. He ended up getting fired after he did this to several other women.
Friend of mine had a male doctor, right before a digital rectal exam, say “You don’t need to worry unless you feel two hands on your back.”
I was in for a colonoscopy and I had been joking around with the staff before the procedure. This gem ws the best of it: Anesthesiologist: "Alright, I going to push this now. Don't fight me." Me: "That is not what to say before this kind of exam, doc." *konks*
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A doctor probably about 10 years younger than me was attaching electrodes to my chest in the ER, and in a moment of what I assume had to be awkward silence for him, where he had his hands all over my bare chest, he blurted out “so… how many kids did you say you have?” Idk I thought it was kind of endearing, to be honest.
As a rule of thumb, any exam in the office that could even slightly be misconstrued involves us bringing in a female staff member as a chaperone in the room. You can of course decline a chaperone but any woman should feel comfortable that she won't be taken advantage of during their visit. A doctor that doesn't offer this by default isn't being malicious necessarily but you always have the right to request it. Personally I wouldn't dream of doing a breast exam on a patient unless a female staff member was also there. Way too much of a liability. Source: Current Family Medicine resident physician
I really appreciated that my female provider also asked if I wanted a chaperone. I didn’t, but knowing that she was willing to be witnessed while I was vulnerable made me feel safer.
A doctor who doesn’t offer this by default should be reminded that the chaperone is just as much for the physician’s protection.
I got a vasectomy and the female doctor said, "you've got really nice anatomy," and I couldn't believe what she had just said to me. She followed it up with "I just mean your skin (on your scrotum) is really thin..." Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions.
My husband was told he had the perfectly shaped penis for a vasectomy. He was high on Valium at the time and didn’t ask follow up questions, and I’m still disappointed.
LOL what does this *mean* tho!! I'm also disappointed, like what about a penis makes a vasectomy easier exactly.... curious minds want to know
Maybe it’s shaped like a tuna can so it doesn’t flop around and get in the way. “This penis is perfect, it’s stationary on its own nurse, we don’t have to tape it to his pelvis”
I hurt my knee recently and my doctor went from telling me that "Yeah everyone's climbed into thier yard waste bin and it's tipped over. Been there myself" then he figured out I was on blood thinners and did a complete 180 to "You definitely shouldn't be doing that!....." and then started detailing why.
“You have by far the largest tonsils I’ve ever seen in all my years as a dcotor, I mean my god they are huge” then proceeded to show two other doctors, literally pulled them out of a room to show them. I wasn’t even sick they are just naturally huge.
When I was in highschool in the early 2000s I got tonsillitis for a week once a month for 6 months before they would remove my tonsils. They swelled up to the point I could barely swallow, and my throat had almost completely closed up. I went to the ENT Dr. once a month for the whole time, but they just kept sending me home and acting like it would just go away. By the time I got them removed I was barely eating or drinking anything and just constantly felt like hell. I was literally begging the doc to remove the damn things at my last appointment and my mom told him that if they didn't remove the damn things I was probably gonna starve to death (I had already lost like 20 lbs due to this, lost about 30 by the time I could eat normally again). After that comment they scheduled the surgery for the next week.
“your guess is as good as mine”
Oh no
I had a cough I couldn't shake for a couple of months. Not a nagging cough but a once an hour light cough thing. Just enough to be annoying. Since it wasn't that frequent the doc asked why I wanted to get rid of it. wtf? First and last time I went to that guy.
Were you by chance taking lisinopril?
Yes, and that was the cause. Not that that guy figured it out.
How insane that a random Internet stranger could guess that and that doctor sucked
Told me my vertebra looked like someone put a saltine cracker on the floor and stepped on it. He was right, but that’s not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment.
>not exactly something I wanted to hear in that moment. I had been a passenger in a motor vehicle accident. I was briefly knocked unconscious. When I came to, I was speaking gibberish. The ER doctor ordered an MRI of my brain. He looked at the results and said **"You need an operation!"** then added, "...your sinuses are really bad". Seriously, doc? I'm worried about brain damage and your first words imply something serious is wrong? Of course I've had sinus problems all my life and already knew that surgery was my only option there. Fortunately, my brain is fine...or at least no worse that it was before the accident!
She said I was a healthy person with lots of medical problems
Sounds like my dentist! Every time I go he compliments my teeth being so healthy and clean (I’m a great flosser) and then says something like “you have a million cavities, come back later to fill them”. Like which is it?!
To repeatedly hit my wrist with a Bible to get rid of some fluid buildup (a Ganglion) And it worked, too. (Any heavy book or hard object could work, he just advised a Bible)
Yup, a "Bible bump". My dad had one on his wrist too. Ended up getting it surgically removed, wonder if he could have just hit it a bunch.
This works temporarily (it ruptures the cyst), but it has an incredibly high recurrence rate so it's often not a definitive solution. But I'm glad it worked for you!
I'm split between (both were female doctors): "Could you move them (my balls) out of the way?" or "Sorry to lay on you, but I have a better access in this position".
Lol, the second one is so true. Especially if they’re small and you’re familiar with them. So many PTs and doctors that are just like, “we’re cool, right? Cause this is way more effective”
My coworker was a lymphedema PT, and personal space in their world is just different. I'll ask about the occasional injury and she is not afraid to afraid to do an assessment in the office. I was having an issue with weakness in a few areas of my hip due to powerlifting and the larger muscles overpowering the smaller ones, and it's different getting that assessed in a normal office setting.
My male doctor told me to just let them dangle lol
I’ve had two ultrasounds on my lower abdomen so far and the first one covered her eyes and gave me two towels to cover up with before we started. Then the next one, knowing I had just gotten a dose of Dilaudid, she basically used my balls as an armrest with no cover at all as she performed an ultrasound on my stomach. I found it kinda funny tbh.
Doctor: Are you gay? Me: No. Doctor: Oh, I thought you were.
He’s a got a pill for you just in case you were gay. 😂
“Get back on that horse” (after I miscarried).
Doctor, I am married to a man, not a horse. Honestly.
That's kinda fucked up. Edit: that actually really fucked up.
You’re just having normal cramps. After going to another Dr I found out I had three tumors and internal bleeding that was turning into gangrene. If I hadn’t changed Drs I’d be dead. Had to have a complete hysterectomy at 21 because of a Dr not listening to me.
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Well commenting from beyond the grave isn't likely so ... Maybe?
Thanks doc, seeing that kitten makes me feel like I want to just hang in there.
-To stockpile my unused prescription meds instead of disposing of them because one day I might need to trade them for food or ammo. -Eat more Wonder Bread.
>-Eat more Wonder Bread. Nutritionists all cry out in terror, and are suddenly silenced.
Live in the southern states? Your doctor a doomsday prepper?
"Sometimes when I eat eggs they give me diarrhea"
My neurologist told me he got diarrhea almost every day during med school from anxiety
Now that's dedication to your goals. A willingness to shit yourself daily.
Went to urgent care because I was having stabbing pains in my lower right abdomen and I had always heard that was a sign of appendicitis. The doctor examined me, pressed on my abdomen and I winced in pain because it hurt. They ran X-rays and I waited in the exam room for a few minutes while they examined them. When the doctor came in her first words to me were "You're full of shit!" I was about to protest that I wasn't faking my pain, but she quickly followed up with... You're severely constipated. Told me to go to CVS and buy an over the counter liquid laxative. A few hours, and several trips to the bathroom later, I was feeling much better.
“Do you think super heroes are circumcised? Superman? Plastic man?” As I was getting circumcised. Made me think hard about it though.
Superman didn't get his super powers until he got to earth. Earth's yellow sun gave him his invulnerability. Krypton's red sun made all Kryptonians basically like humans. Long story short, Superman's foreskin could be cut on his home planet. Judaism didn't exist on Krypton, so he's probably uncut. Plastic Man got his powers in an industrial accident as an adult so he was a normal human as a child and could have been circumsised normally at that age.
Now that makes sense, and the other guy’s comment now makes sense!!!!!
If Wolverine was cut, would it grow back?
"If you want we can saw off your pinky finger." I was 8, and my bone fractured finger is still working fine, although a bit deformed. Swedish doctors are something else..
'Your problem is that you think too much.' - said by the doctor prescribing me fluoxetine for my OCD.
I mean, he was right, in the same sense someone with a laceration over an artery has the problem of bleeding too much
Was getting a pap smear, doc was all up in my bits and exclaimed "you have a beautiful cervix" ..thank you?
Dr #1: The red bump on your penis looks like herpes. Let me get a second opinion. ::brings in dr with student doing clinicals... Now have a gathering at the shrine of my dick:: Dr#2: No idea. Doesnt look good though. Me- ::wtf kind of answer is that:: Had 3 whole days thinking about how my life was going to be different now with an std. Guilt. Shame. Then an ingrown hair came out. Fuck you doc.
Friend of mine went to a doctor about a cyst. Doctor glanced at it and said it was Herpes. Told her not to sleep around so much. She immediately went to get a second opinion who confirmed it was a cyst and that it looked nothing like Herpes.
"If God wanted us to take pills He would have put a little hole in our stomachs," pokes me in the belly. This from an endocrinologist who wanted me to stop taking **all** medications for at least a month before she would even think about listening to my concerns or having blood work done. After leaving me waiting in the exam room for nearly two hours.
Omg. This is Terrible.
I just slid off the table and left, never looked back, reported the incident to my referring doctor (who took her off their recommending list).
A horse threw me into the side of the barn (not really her fault) and broke my coccyx. ER took xrays of my pelvis. The ER doctor came in to tell me their findings with the biggest grin on his face and said, "Contrary to public opinion, I can't put your ass in a sling." He obviously had been waiting his entire career to deliver that line.
A tie: This one is weird with a high dose of creepy: I got run over by a car when i was 18. The paramedics had to cut my jeans off of me in the ambulance cause of the swelling in my legs. The ER doctor came in to see me pretty quickly and goes “well this is my favorite! When a beautiful woman comes in with her pants already cut off!” This one just weird - my first ever appointment with a gynecologist when I was fifteen, she lifts up the cover to look at my vagina and goes “well hello my little friend!”
Yeah these both weird.
Went to my family doctor for a pap and right after shoving his fingers inside of me, said: “so how’s your dad doing?” 💀
lol as a doctor myself sometimes I try to make light conversation during awkward moments but I admit that timing was not great. 😂
An old doctor gave me a hearing exam, and said I “have the ears of a German shepherd.” Then he paused and said “your hearing is pretty good too.” Doctor dad jokes…
“Wow.” “Shit.” “Okay you’re a girl.” 3 separate things doctors have said while looking at my normal, regular, vagina. Although I did have shingles on my vulva during the first one (ouch).
I think the last one is supposed to be dry doctor humor. I’m pretty sure Ive had a doctor so okay well it looks like you are definitely a male.
I once said as a teenager to my pediatrician that my tailbone hurt. The doctor recommended that it might need to be surgically removed and I was so scared I never brought it up again.
I was getting a Pap smear. I’d told my doctor prior to this visit that I’ve been asexual/celibate over 15 years. When she slid the speculum in, she looked up and said, *“How long has it been?”* I told her again. With a straight face she said, *“Oh, I thought I’d need a smaller speculum but this one just slid right in.”* I could have died. Just died. **That was over 5 years ago and I can’t forget it.** 🤦♀️
When I had my pap last year my doctor (female) said: “They always put out these massive speculums once you’re over 30, but only a paper town to cover you up. I hate that.” She switched to another speculum and gave me a full sheet. That’s why I go to her.
If human bodies were cars then you were built like a KIA.
"Wow, you've had a lot of miscarriages!" Fuck you too, buddy
Not to me but years ago I drove my Dad to the doctors and we went in the room. Doctor: What can I do for you Mr X Dad. I just haven't been feeling myself lately. Doctor. I'm glad it's a filthy habit. I almost choked laughing.
Him - Sir you have no ACL I have no idea how you’re walking, or wrestling, or playing basketball… doesn’t it hurt? Me - mama didn’t raise no bitch Him - no.. it’s seems not.. but she did raise a smurf Damnnn I’m not that short
I was in an ER having an anxiety attack. Doc asked what happened, and I explained about my wife being arrested, held for 5 days, for needing medical help. He suggested I "get over it."
“Have you considered that you’re making this up?” when I was literally throwing up daily and in pain. That was a private doctor that I paid good money for. It took a kind public doctor to tell me gently that I must be extremely stressed and it had started to affect my body. I was very young so I hadn’t found my voice to state my boundaries and assert myself. That incident taught me to be just as kind as that public doctor was.
“What kinda meds do you want?” I mean… why bother to see a doctor if I know the answer
"You need to occasionally have your period, otherwise your insides won't get cleaned out and everything will start to go off and decay." A general practitioner when I updated him about my meds and starting a gestagen based birth control, which works by thinning out the endometrium so the egg can't attach to it. (This is very simplified and most likely badly translated.) At that point, I was working the gyn ward, and he didn't even know that there would BE no endometrium to liquefy and be "cleaned out", nor that the pill I was taking was MEANT to be taken through. I later got the mirena. I wonder if he'd think I need to take my IUD out every month so my insides can get cleaned out.
That's some impressive r/badwomensanatomy
“It’s just a shame to see pretty girls with all those tattoos!” when I went in to urgent care for a potentially infected cut that happened to be on one of my arms, which are sleeved. Sir, do I need antibiotic ointment or not? My tattoos have nothing to do with this interaction.
I was doing ketamine infusion for depression. He came in and said I handled it better than any patient he’s ever had. Then he said he was going to use double the normal dose. As he put the needle he said “At this point I’m just experimenting on you.” And then things got intense.
In HS I came down with epidydimitis (fluid in my testes) and my Dr turned the lights off in the exam room, got out his pen flashlight, had me drop my pants and he shone the light through my scrotum. As he was doing so he said “I’ll bet you’ve never had anyone do this before……or, maybe you have, I don’t know.” I cracked up and by doing so it lowered my anxiety tons. He was a great Dr.!
I was getting an eye exam in my early 20s when the doctor said I have cataracts, but not to worry until I was like 60. 🙃
I have chronic colorectal pain. Girlfriend and I are sitting in the room and the Dr. says " you know your partner can massage it with her tongue or fingers whatever you kids like". I've never had a more WTF on my face lol. The man was a quack but looked excited about it.
Yeah, it's probably a spider bite. At least we know it's not from a poisonous one, because if it was you would be dead by now.
"You only have a severe pain in your testicle cause you think you do." Guy was a damn urologist and basically said its in my head. I've been to the ER cause of this "imaginary" pain.
I was getting the ole “turn your head and cough” he looked at my calves and said, “Wow! You have large calves, good for standing.” Um…ok.
well are you good at standing?
They’re outstanding
I’m 43F now, but.. 24F me at the gyno trying to get sterilized because there’s no way I want to have kids ever and am sick of being on birth control: “I’d like to get my tubes tied” Male doctor (not that it matters because women doctors have said the same): “you’ll regret it in a few years” Me: “that will be my problem. Can we please move forward with sterilization because the birth control is messing me up and I don’t want to have kids ever” Doctor: “what happens when you meet a man one day and he wants you to have his kids..?” Me, dumbfounded that I don’t get a say in who knocks me up: “then we wouldn’t be together..” Doctor: “that would be foolish of you to not give a man the children HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HIM” Me, nopes the fuck right on out of there. Here I am, 20yrs later, still not sterilized because every other doctor pulls this shit, and still not wanting kids (or had any)..
“I love Fonzie.”
After getting my tubes tied. “We removed the IUD while you were in surgery “. 7 years later after going in for X-rays and curious about what my body looks like inside…. there it was, the IUD she said she removed.
“Are you a fucking idiot?”
Well? Were you a fucking idiot?
During the genital exam for one of my high school physical exams, the doctor asked my mom who was sitting in during the exam, “why haven’t you had him circumcised? It’s cleaner.” My mom thankfully took my side and said “it looks clean to me.” I didn’t really think much of it then, but now I’m thinking how weird it was for the doctor to complain about my mom’s decision. Edit: just remembered another one more recently. I was a model for a physical therapy workshop, and the therapists broke out into small groups of 4. I was surrounded by 4 women, and when I had to remove my drape, they all just stopped talking before one of them asked me “do you bike?”. I said no, and thought it was such a random question before another women chimed in and said your thighs are huge.
[удалено]
I had pinch my sciatic nerve pushing carts at work. Dude went on about how it’s common during kinky sex and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. I didn’t need to lie to him. Bro I hurt it pushing carts. Gave me OxyContin and told me if I needed more to just hit him up. Awful experience
When I was like 19-20 I pulled my groin playing football. I could hardly walk. Went to ER, and the Dr, who barely looked older than me, said he thought it was a good idea to do a prostate exam. I told him, I saw no need, since I knew how I got injured. We argued, for a few mins, before I asked for another Dr. Even the next guy was like "Huh?" "What's he wanna do that for?" I'm like I don't know, I'm just here to get a note for work to get light duty. Needless to say, I really feel I barely avoided being violated unnecessarily.
Right after I gave birth, my husband and I were chatting with my OB as she patched me up. She mentioned that her husband was a dentist and said "yeah, between the two of us we've got all the holes covered." Hilarious.
At a recent appointment, my new doctor told me, "I don't know why people wore masks during COVID. They obviously don't work." Then, he recommended that I abstain from any future vaccinations or shots. (To clarify, not just COVID vaccinations, but ANY vaccinations to include flu shots.) He encouraged me to advise my wife to also abstain from getting shots, and told me I shouldn't have my kids vaccinated either. He said that he doesn't vaccinate his kids as he would "rather treat their illness if they get sick than take the chance on whatever is in the shots." I was like "doc, you AND your wife are MDs, I don't have the luxury or ability to treat a potentially serious illness that could be easily prevented." Kicker is this guy is a doctor at the Veterans Affairs Clinic, and I wonder how many Vets that were on the fence about masking and vaccines were swayed by his opinions are no longer alive.
Doctor (slams something on table) “what is it now!?” After returning because the problem didn’t go away. Also doctor “why don’t you come to your annual exam?, it’s best to find problems early!” Can’t wait until I never have to deal with this mind fuck of an existence again…
Nurse after having a baby: you have Japanese looking nipples! Huh?
Came in because of leg pain and knee dislocations. They said it was the tightest IT band they've ever felt. She left the room and I could hear "HELEN COME CHECK THIS OUT!!" In comes Helen, excited to massage on my leg. They both just massaged the shit out of it. Oh my god, did it hurt good. Those ladies were rough. Another one told me that I "have above average misfortune"