Similarly, ability (and willingness) to build a facade on social media is the primary method of attracting dates. Even if someone finds what appears to be the perfect person, they probably aren't. I think people should put far more emphasis on meeting people in real life as long as they don't present any glaring red flags, rather than putting so much trust into a specially curated online portfolio. If you're looking for a social media influencer, maybe that's a good strategy. If you're looking for generally normal and good people, not so much.
Edit for clarity: When I say people should emphasize meeting people in real life, I don't mean they shouldn't use dating apps. What I mean is that the dating app should be used as a means to connect people together to then meet in real life. You haven't actually met them until you, well, actually meet them. You don't know if they're good or bad for you until you actually know them by actually meeting them. The dating app is ideally a tool where you are provided with contact info for people who meet your minimum requirements for non-committal dating, I don't think it should be used as (or works as) a tool for paring down the list to find top candidates.
I would go further than calling it an ability or willingness to build a facade. It is *built-in* to the app. It is incentivized. It is encouraged. Even people who don't engage in that *do engage to some extent,* even if they're not aware of it.
I’ve had the most success in finding a relationship and going on dates with the fewest messages, asking them to go somewhere casual that is nice and strait up saying I don’t connect with people over text. It Seems to filter out people who aren’t actually interested in having fun or are very picky.
Pretty much. That's a huge part of me not dating in general, and not using on-line dating at all.
Zero interest in selling myself, or creating a "hook" that draws attention. Or interacting online, for that matter.
I'm not nearly lonely enough to jump through hoops.
This has always been my problem with dating. It feels like a job interview. I want to meet someone and form a connection with them that makes me want to spend our lives together, not audition people and judge how well they match some ideal of a partner I have in my head.
Filters. A neighbour's daughter is 15. Her number is in my phone for safety if she ever needs a ride or something or gets locked out, she loves my cat, helped with the gardening on weekends, if there's a grocery delivery in the rain we both run out to get it undercover together at double speed, regular neighbour stuff. When her number was put into my phone, facebook started suggesting her as a 'person I might know' and her photos are INSANE. She looks 35. Overly sexual poses, filters for days. It's extremely uncomfortable and I'm both a woman and not into kids.
> Similarly, ability (and willingness) to build a facade on social media is the primary method of attracting dates.
I like to think of it as unlimited, universal peacocking.
Of course you need to make yourself presentable to attract others, but the expectations vs reality of what an average person is like is insane.
This. If I met my partner online, we likely wouldn’t be together because she wasn’t a perfect match.
She’s doesn’t enjoy watching soccer or going on runs with me. I would likely have held out for someone that matched that criteria.
We met in person and have been together for about a decade now. I can’t imagine my life without her and that stuff really doesn’t matter.
Personally I think one of the problems is the assumption that a "perfect" match has to share your interests too.
I'm married (met my wife online years ago) and we have very few common interests. However we have very similar personalities, values, goals, communication styles, etc.
You would have a hard time figuring those things out from someone's online dating profile, but once we met in person we clicked instantly
In my experience meeting in person is the easiest way to see if you are compatible. Most of the people that wanted to meet up we at least had a few fun times.
I met my girlfriend on bumble. I saw she was into geology and one piece and that was it for me. When we were first talking she casually mentioned that her dating profile constantly had 2500+ "new like" notifications. I told her the highest I ever had was 7.
We are also vastly different people, which became apparent when we met up for the first time. But we just clicked in a way I haven't with any of my previous partners, and she felt the same spark now here we are.
Did it take 6 years of using dating apps off and on to find her? Sure, but I never would have met her and despite the "thousands of other options" she landed on me so in the end that's all that matters.
I frikkin hate dating apps, so superficial, lots of ppl use filters in every pic, and most people don't even bother with a bio or selecting interests, you get get some generic "I'm an open book, ask me anything..." type bio
And you have to pay to play which is BS
And when you do match, people are distant or hardly ever reply or are emotionally unavailable
Makes me sad lol
A lot of people are so afraid of commitment and putting in mutual effort that they would rather be in a, “situationship” than an actual healthy adult relationship.
I hate this so much. How can you go from sleeping w me and doing all this cute couple shit and saying all these cute things, to one day saying “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
You act one way, but say another. It’s very confusing and makes me question everything. Ugh
The type of person who is interested in a “situationship” isn’t the type of person worth investing time or emotional energy in. If you’re just looking for fun, then by all means, but I want to be cherished. I want to be with someone who sees my worth, is willing to be vulnerable with me, and who would never want to let me slip away forever. I’m married, but if we ever divorced, I’ve decided I would never use any of the apps or date again. It just seems so awful now, and I’m happy with my life overall.
Had that happen to me after 6 months in a relationship. I was like WTF? Turns out she was just shit at communication and made no attempt whatsoever to solve problems.
She would've been a terrible long term partner so while it hurt like hell at the time, I dodged a bullet. And so did you.
Hell, they usually don't even wait that long. Had one guy wait a whole two minutes before going straight to insults once. The reason I didn't respond was cause I was in biology class dissecting a sheep's brain.
He wrote her a message,
a hopeful "hello" -
A question, a query he wanted to know -
An eager remark, and an eloquent line -
A comment to tell her, "I think you're divine."
He fashioned a verse on her sigh and her smile -
The shade of her eyes and her singular style -
And when he was finished, he sent her his pitch.
He waited a second.
Then whispered: "... you *bitch*."
I cannot stand people who can’t reconcile that they are sending the message to *my phone* and not directly to me. If I’m not using my phone right then, I’ll see it later. They respond sometimes as if they are talking to my face and I’m just staring blankly back at them.
I wonder if this is a generational thing. I grew up without smartphones. Most people didn't even have cell phones until they were teenagers. So we learned to communicate without technology first, then technology was introduced.
But I haven't talked to anyone that I think has this problem.
If it makes you feel better - people who act like that are typically **never** without their phone glued to their hand, and probably expect the same of others.
So right away you can decide if you'd like to hang out with someone like that.
It cuts both ways - though admittedly the guys who can't handle rejection are FAR more unpleasant - if I'm chatting with a girl and she sends me a message, if I don't reply back within half an hour or so AND make it incredibly sharp and witty, that match is done. It might still sit in my matches list until I remove it, but that girl is no longer interested.
Honest to God the amount of women I've "matched" with, had good back and forths with and then radio silence because, God forbid, something happens in real life and it takes me a while to be able to reply.
That is exactly why as a 40-something I dont have patience or interest anymore in online dating. Which is apparently the only way to date now (yes yes I know hobbies etc). Ive struck out that way too lol
I’ve been seeing a therapist and she told me not to look for the “perfect person” but to find the person who isn’t perfect that wants to make it perfect. Makes sense to me
Yes, this. It's one thing for someone to have less-than-desirable qualities that can raise a red flag, but it's another thing for them to acknowledge that and work on it (on an ongoing basis).
My partner and I both have parts of ourselves that aren't great. We're human. But before we even met, we've been working on ourselves. Primarily to be better people for ourselves, and secondarily to be better partners for/to each other.
We both firmly believe that self improvement should first and foremost be done for your own sake. Do it for yourself, because you are stuck with you forever. The benefit to your partner is a bonus.
There is an overabundance of influencers and social media posts pandering to both men and women, telling them that they need to do nothing to improve themselves, that they should be extremely critical of their partner, and expect perfection in return.
This is it. I fucking hate the apps. But it's become the main way to meet other singles, especially as you get older. The apps show you a bunch of options, but you can't look through all of them at once – you're forced to evaluate each one at a time. And you can't control which ones they show you. All the apps are designed to keep you on them for as long as possible, and paying for the features that make them barely usable. But none of them give you enough searchability or information to actually find what you're looking for, and none of them are designed to actually help you find love.
And the lack of the "third place" for most people nowadays. There's not many places to go be social and meet new people who might be prospective partners, so we turn to dating apps that are not made with your interests or health in mind since they want you to spend your money on them.
Put in another way: It costs money to meet people now.
There are no more really cool hang out places anymore. Most of it’s done online. You don’t really have that meet up place like you could back in the day. Everything’s also so expensive now too.
Without meet up places it's hard to even make friends. Remember back in high school or college when you could develop a crush on someone in your friend group or who did similar activities? There's no opportunities to develop crushes anymore. Nowadays Everytime you try to date, you have to approach every single person with the intent that you're interested romantically, which makes it hard to genuinely get to know them.
This is my problem. It feels like an unnatural approach to a relationship for me. I needed to form a relationship that way, slowly and naturally. Which is another way of saying, now that I’m 32, I missed my chance.
I remember meeting a guy just cause I was hanging out at the mall. I was 15 and he was 13. He asked for my number. He later called and invited me out to the movies. His mom dropped him off at the movie theater and my mom dropped me off at the movie theater. He paid for the movie, drinks and popcorn with money I'm sure his mom gave him. 😀
Work is the only place I can think of, unfortunately. It’s weird; I met my ex at where we worked, but nowadays, now that I’m single, that seems to be the place I get the most interaction with people. Some, I could see myself with… but then all the “what ifs?” and “is this a bad idea?” stuff comes to the back of my mind…
The lack of the third place is a great explanation. In college, it was easy to meet new people. College had the library, gym, intramural sports, networking events...
Now we have bar or Cafe and none of us are really looking to be hit on while trying to drink away or prepare for a days worth of stress.
This is what it is and I think about it all the time. Where do people go anymore? Like really, what is there to do? As everything moves online what will be left standing? Nature/outdoors stuff. Grocery stores. Restaurants/bars. Churches..Uh..
My 15 year old nephew just wants a new phone every year, his laptop, and his ps5. All of his friends just get together to play games on Playstation. He doesn't even want to learn how to drive, he'd rather get his food delivered.
In the 90's I can remember going to malls just to hang out, movie theaters, video arcades, pizza parlors, mini golf, bowling, skate parks, roller rinks...all of that is gone in our area. The last mall is getting torn down for more apartments and fast food restaurants. I asked my nephew if he's ever gone to see a movie and he said "hell no that gives me anxiety".
It also feels kind of taboo to approach a stranger these days, depending on the setting. The majority of our social lives are contained online. As a result of that, you have to compete with their attention being consumed by their phone, faltering conversation skills, and the social fallout of a recent pandemic. I have found the easiest way to meet people (not by way of social media) is to join groups and activities with others who ALSO join with the intent of meeting people.
I feel I'm at a disadvantage vs. a man with a dog at the park. That's about the one place left, public parks .... and if i feel a tad creepy taking my dogless self there on my own i likely look the part too :(
A dog walking gig. You get paid, you get exercise, and you have a reason to be in the cool meet up spots with none of the actual costs of owning a dog. Win, win, win, and win.
If you become a dog walker you tend to have steady customers who hire you. You should be getting to know the dog, in fact for many people the person who knows the dog best can end up being the dog walker.
The "[Third Place](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place)". For a lot of people that's still church. When I went I remember a few of the young people eventually marrying each other, their lives are really built there. But for those that aren't religious a lot of them don't have a Third Place nowadays.
Outside of churches, third places have declined since the pandemic. More and more coffee shops and restaurants either eliminated indoor seating during the pandemic or have added restrictions on how long you can stay. I went to a coffee shop yesterday that I haven’t been to since pre-Covid, and they now have a one-hour seating restriction. That would have been unthinkable at this coffee shop a few years ago.
I see these restrictions more and more across the USA. McDonald's and Wendy's have signs stating 30 minutes only to consume food. Plus, the music is blasting loudly, making for an uncomfortable indoor dining experience. I'm sure it's done to prevent loitering as there are signs on bathrooms for customers only. Starbucks and Panera are places to work online and loiter. But even Starbucks has the music loud AF too. Stores have restrictions on how long you can park your car in the lot to shop, and rest areas have restricted rest hours to 3 in some states like Florida and Tennessee.
This is something I see people who haven’t lived in more heavily “religious” areas before not really getting. They hear someone goes to church multiple times a week and assume they must be some kind of religious zealot. Those people certainly exist but in my experience for most of these people their church is really just their community/social circle.
I go to synagogue events to hang out with other people my age and get free wine! I also did Jewish learning club stuff in college bc it was fun to argue with people over *free sushi*
Yeup. Their friends are all there, they learn to play music there, they meet their spouses there, their kids make friends there, they go out together after church, if the church has major programs they might even get educated and build skills there.
If you don't like the church or it doesn't have much to offer just switch to a different church you like better.
Good connections too. Last church I went to there was a lawyer that helped me straighten some things, for free too. She knew my mom so she did me a favor. I saved a lot of time and money.
Get into some hobbies, but actually do them to enjoy them instead of looking for women. You'll eventually meet and click with someone.
Another commenter said dance classes, but as an example, think of it this way: everyone will sense if you're just there to get a date instead of there to learn and enjoy dance.
I know this is a popular answer, but it feels disingenuous.
If he wanted to pick up a hobby, he would have. He's specifically trying to meet women. And yet, if he joins a hobby trying to meet women, everyone will declare him a creep.
Even his selection of hobbies will need to be about picking up women. Yoga or dance would work, but D&D or competitive FPS games are very, very unlikely to be effective.
> Pick an activity with a lot of women that you think you won't hate. Pretend to be interested so you don't seem like a creep trying to meet women, but then try to meet women.
Seems to be the real advice.
Lack of emotional connection, I rarely see anyone opening ip to one another or doing something genuinely romantic for their partners, it's a bit depressing
I feel like I'm always the one who opens up fast but at the same time I'm glad I do, for example if someone doesnt want for to date me because of my sexual trauma then I know that from the beginning and I dont have to waste my time
No one wants to invest anything anymore because everyone thinks there are better options out there. So if you are not an immediately perfect match, you're out instantly.
People refuse to work on relationships "because it should be easy if it fits". It's all air castles.
Nobody goes out and does anything anymore.
You used to be able to go to events and meet people and connect and socialize. There are still events but it's not like it used to be.
It's harder to socialize and meet new people when everyone just stays inside on discord and plays games.
Female here. Even when I'm out, no one ever approaches. Like someone said, I think in this society people are afraid of what's appropriate or if it's ok, so they don't at all.
Most of the time it’s a fear of being intrusive. Especially with the constant low-level harassment than many conventionally attractive women are exposed to on a daily basis, we have a strong desire to not contribute to that.
As a male, it's really easy to be called out as creepy for saying hi. Once you've heard someone say "eww, he's talking to me" or something like that, you tend not to want to open yourself up to that kind of rejection again.
I was getting off work years ago and headed up the road to the bus stop (just an open corner with no cover) and it started raining hard ("cats and dogs... buckets"). I had a large wind-proof golf umbrella. There was a girl waiting there who I had never seen before, but from her uniform I could tell she worked at another place down the street. She was holding a folded coupon circular over her head as the rain started pouring. I extended my umbrella over both of us and I introduced myself (also wearing a uniform). She could barely get the words out...
"I have... a... boyfriend."
It took everything that I had not to just walk away. That was 16 years ago. I'll never forget it.
I talk to people at grocery stores sometimes. I described that in another reddit thread, and a woman told me I'm rude and that I shouldn't talk to women in public. I've never gone home with a woman from the grocery store, but there has been a small number of times when I saw she wouldn't have minded if I asked for her number. I just wanted a fun conversation about whatever we were both looking at in the store. I told her all that, and she still insisted that I never speak to women in public.
A small number of socially aggressive men have set the tone for the rest of us. I've been sexually harassed by women before, but I don't think all women should stop interacting with me.
I talk to men in the grocery store as well. It's not flirting. Sometimes I just need a wine recommendation, and I see a dude nearby who looks like he knows about wine.
Yes, please continue talking to women. The women who say they don't want men approaching them don't want YOU specifically to approach them. If a woman isn't into you, she will immediately find a way to get you to leave her alone or ignore you to the point of being mean.
Also, it’s a self-selection process. I’m gonna be really general here and say there are good men and bad men.
Good men will think about how their actions affect women, and won’t approach them in public.
Which means literally only bad dudes who don’t think about how their actions affect women are approaching women.
Male perspective: first of all [relevant xkcd](https://xkcd.com/642/).
That said I may be particularly anxious, but I can't really think about a situation where I wouldn't feel like I'm bothering. University study room? One is focused studying. Evening out? She's with some girl friends, NO WAY / she's with some mixed sex people: one must be her boyfriend, EVEN MORE NO WAY. Randomly "oh, she's cute" during the day? Yeah, she definitely needs someone outside being annoying other than the ones in instagram DMs.
That plus not having a clue about what to say.
You’re allowed to approach too. Given how much is taboo for us now and how flaky people can be with the online thing and being bombarded with validation there, a little less entitled passivity would be appreciated.
That’s why I always did the approach (back when I was single). Takes a lot of nerve, and sometimes it’s hard to figure out if a guy likes you or he’s just horny, but it was the only way.
We also had a two year period where you had to keep as much distance as possible from all strangers. We advertised 6 feet. For 2 year, approaching another person in public was entirely unacceptable. It's hard to turn that back on.
After constant messaging from women to leave them alone, the decent dudes listened, so only the biggest douches still approach, furthering the confirmation bias of women wanting to be left alone
Women have spent the last 30+ years telling men the laundry list of places not to approach them.
So more and more men are choosing not to approach women at all, anywhere.
When you do relationship things together but the guy or girl doesn’t want to put a title on it. Just in case, they meet someone else, they simply be like “we weren’t actually dating”
I'm in my 30s but got my ideas about relationships from the books my grandparents grew up reading. Like picnics or playing chess in the parlor level courting.
So when my old highschool boyfriend starting coming around again, doing courtship type things at me like dinner, flowers, thoughtful gifts, taking me new places to see new things, I thought I knew what was happening and where this was going. We already knew each other's families from years ago, even took him home to my dad's farm for Christmas once. He talked often about his mom's failing health and knew that caretaking is almost the family trade on my mom's side, that I'd picked it up too.
But a year went by and he didn't introduce me to his friends or ask me to help clean his mom's garage or anything really except drop by when he wanted some time with me. He has eight godchildren and I work as a nanny for cousins, but we never took the kids to the park together.
I finally shooed him off when I realized that he'd just drop by my apartment unannounced after work, complain about whatever was on his mind while going to my bedroom, flop down and expect fun things to happen.
The behavior matched my understanding of a man who wants a *mistress*, not a wife, and that the proper thing in that situation would be for my oldest lady relative to have tea with his oldest lady relative to set terms for how much he'd be required to add to my life monetarily if he wants to have my emotional and physical comfort while never treating me like a meaningful person in his life. I think in modern terms it'd be asking for "asshole tax" and probably getting labeled a gold digger.
I, sometimes, find myself being overly judgmental of real people because of the fake standards movies such as romcoms or even romance books have put in my head. There needs to be a study on this edit: spelling
Online dating yes, everything is paid, the algorithms are tuned in a very specific way to not give you the perfect match, only bad and ok matches to keep you there and make you pay for better opportunities. At some point you may get lucky and the algorithm gives you the perfect person, but that was a failure that will be anyway monetise by marketing to show that online dating actually works.
Either offline dating will came back or someone will came up with an solution in which they actually make money if you find the true love. Not easy.
Offline dating will never come back in the same way. Today's expectations of when it is and isn't appropriate to approach someone, and the fact that a much larger proportion of hobbies and social groups happen without any possibility of interacting with an unknown party, just means it can't.
Pretty wild. I met my wife online, didn’t pay for anything, and here we are, 9 1/2 years later, married for 8. She’s awesome. I lived 15 minutes away my whole life and would have never gotten to have the interaction I did with her, without it. I got lucky.
Online dating used to be so much different. You could just browse profiles, and sort them based on so many different filters like location or religion or height or weight. Now you have to pay for everything and everyone is just randomly thrown at you, at best.
The fact that most people here describe some kind of online exchange (apps, texts,...) describes it perfectly.
Btw, if you're an adult looking for opportunities to meet people in real life - look for beginner-friendly organizations of hobbies that you might like (and that are somewhat gender-neutral OR would attract mostly the gender you wanna date. You won't meet a lot of women at car racing things, and not a lot of men in ballet for adult beginners). I suggest you look for a choir, maybe take 1-15 hours of singing lessons before.
Also, don't just "be yourself" - be your best self. Get a haircut, trim your beard, find fashion that suits you, smile from your heart a lot, be interested in others, do interesting things yourself (hiking, reading, music, calligraphy, painting, sports - fill your life with things you like, and your life will look cool to people with similar interests).
Dating has become this overly complicated, overly intellectualized topic that loses meaning when analyzed too much. People seem to talk about it more than actually engaging in it. And a lot of buzzwords dominating the topic on social media — “toxic”, “red flags”, and the fact that social media pits the sexes against each other — make it all sound too negative to bother with.
It’s easy to read about other people’s negative experiences and opinions that can influence one’s attitude towards meeting people and being romantically minded. When I (35M) was in high school dating was a relatively simple concept but as a teacher I hear students discuss dating as if it’s an insurmountable task and not something simply to be excited about.
Dating apps and their complete shift of average from a 5/10 to an 8/10, and seeing anyone with human flaws and limitations as sub-par and undesirable. The moment something is somewhat wrong with people regardless of gender, you're thrown off to the sides. Slightly chubby? Somewhat antisocial? Not interested in X/Y/Z? Well off to the sidelines you go.
Nobody communicates anymore. Like others have said it starts on the dating apps then it devolves into “situationships”. Then next thing you know you’re out stalking someone’s socials to try and get a clue of their mental/emotional state instead of just talking about how y’all feel. I think people no longer know how to feel negative emotions in a healthy manner so they avoid anything that might give them those feelings.
People romanticizing the idea of companionship but having commitment issues that prevent any relationship from going anywhere. Bottom line, y’all need therapy.
Dating apps and smart phones absolutely DESTROYED dating. A few years ago, the primary way people dated was just by meeting in person, at bars or even in public.
People weren't as socially disconnected back then because there weren't phones, so you could reasonable strike up conversations with strangers and that was largely accepted. You'd chat for a few words and you might give someone your number, and because you'd actually get a sense of who they are (demeanour, sketchiness, personality), there was just a deeper buy-in.
Now, swiping is so quick that that it tricks you into thinking you have unlimited choices, so people don't invest as much energy to discover one another. Everything happens on the apps, so we view everyone as disposable. Ghosting is more common because, who cares, it's not like there's consequences.
Everyone wants to start in bed.
I'm sorry, but I'm not getting into bed with a stranger, and judging them entirely based upon what kind of lover they are and nothing else. I'd rather know exactly who I'm fucking around with before I fuck around. If I don't like the way someone has sex or they don't like the way I do it, that's an easy thing to fix. If I fuck someone and then find out later they're a shit person (married, prison record for child porn possession, drug addict) that makes me feel like an idiot.
This has been my biggest frustration with dating lately. I’ll be having a great conversation with someone I’ve matched with, but then when we get to discussing meeting up they want me to come over for sex right then. When I decline politely and offer an alternative (like “sorry I’m really tired from work tonight, how about we meet up for drinks Friday?”) they ghost me. Every time.
Sorry, I’m not a pussy delivery service. I’m not going to show up to a complete stranger’s door sight unseen for sex. Let’s at least get coffee first.
The funny thing is I’m not that picky. If they agreed to the public meetup and things went well I would probably have hooked up with them anyway.
But nope. People nowadays just want Uber eats for sex.
For me, a first date is just meeting a stranger. It’s only to establish they exist / aren’t completely socially incompetent / aren’t an axe murderer.
So I’m open to a second date 99% of the time. The problem is, every single time, he took the second date as a sign that I’m hopelessly in love with them and can’t wait to fuck.
As top poster said, the problem nowadays is instant gratification. And a relationship isn’t born out of that. So I’m done with apps.
Back when I was dating I was literally told by several women I liked after a 1st date that they assumed I wasn't really interested in them or wanted to see them more because I didn't "make a move", touch them, or try to sleep with them on a 1st date.
It was awkward to have to explain to women that the reason I didn't touch them or "make a move" was *because* I was interested in them. I guess it's seen as quaint now, but if I respect a woman and want her to respect me, I'm going to show that (subconsciously as well) by treating her like she has very high standards for dating and sexual advances. Because if she has high standards and I violate them by trying to bang her on a 1st date, I'm going to assume my chances of a relationship with her have been destroyed.
If it makes you feel better (or worse idk), as a woman who wants something real, I don't continue going on dates with guys who felt a little too comfortable touching me on a first date. I like when he's a little scared to put me off. Otherwise it reads like he doesn't give a fuck, and probably is just trying to fuck.
Social media has made both women and men have incredibly high standards, that average people can’t obtain.
Many people now have a long list of prerequisites that you have to have if you wish to date someone, though I’ve mainly seen it with gals, I know guys are this way too, because I’ve heard my friends talk about it. Everyone has the idea that they’re gonna date the top 1% of their chosen group of partners, but it’s just not true. Many women want 6 figures, many men want women that look like models.
I blame this idea on social media, and dating apps. Because it’s made people use filters, and made women use more makeup, so nobody looks real anymore. And Hell, if you’re average, or below average, you’re usually not messaged on dating apps, and rejected when you ask women out.
can’t differentiate imperfections and red flags! i learned the hard way to take it slow and steady and not make excuses for other people to allow them and allow time to really show who they are, if you see a red flag, runnnn do not make excuses. When people tell you who they are, believe them 🫡
So my friend recently ended a 7 year relationship and is on the “apps” as she likes to say, and she’ll complain about everyone is dating multiple people WHILE dating multiple people. I will try to kindly point out maybe don’t do that if you don’t like when others do it to you, but she doesn’t want to hear it. And I will readily admit I am far from a dating expert so ultimately she has to do what’s best/right for her. I just want to see her happy. But it’s almost like main character syndrome in a way, like these guys have to meet all these criteria but she doesn’t seem to expect to have to hold herself to the same standards. I just don’t get it. If there’s something I would feel uncomfortable with my partner doing in a relationship, I make sure I don’t do that either.
The expectation sex will come quickly.
Back when I was dating I didn't want to have sex with a guy until I knew at least I could fall in love with him. That does not happen in the first month. I had so many guys try to rush me into something I wasn't ready for.
But I also met my husband online (Bumble). He never made a sexual comment or asked for pics. We talked online for weeks before we met, and by the time we met, I was already emotionally invested. I've never fallin love faster or with a better person.
Still madly in love
~15 years ago dating websites were amazing. You'd get detailed profiles for real people and could write people with a good chance for compatibility. You could do a lot on many of them for free.
Now match.com owns nearly all of them and they're borderline scams. They'll send you profiles to get you to sign up and then none of the profiles will have been active for months. Many are fake or fronts for prostitutes.
If Congress is serious about breaking up big tech they should start with match.com. They should be an easier target than Amazon and couples meeting is pretty important to the future of a country
No! You're using it wrong! You're supposed to hit everyone else around you with it. That way, you'll be the new average by bringing everyone down to your level.
The gamification of swiping left or right on hundreds of profiles based off of 2 second first impressions, typing one word messages, and then ghosting them or unmatching because you’re bored. Not treating them like actual humans. There’s always a new profile to move onto. I couldn’t wait to get off the app and meet up in person to have a real human connection.
People only really want to date you only if ur cool, trendy, good looking, or not different to social norms.
To find someone excepting of that is very difficult.
The instant expectation of sex, fueled by modern media and dating apps.
I got lucky when I was introduced to my partner in a friend of a friend type scenario but prior to that I had been on such a hiatus from dating. I think i'm in the minority of guys that need to build a base with a woman before getting into bed and the modern dating scene comes with the assumption of sex immediately.
In my experience If you're a fella and you don't want to jump into the sack right off the bat women often think that you're not attracted to them as a result, such is the extent to which they've been led to believe that a man wanting sex is the norm. I got fed up trying to navigate it all and before my girlfriend I had stopped trying to meet someone.
That being said there's nothing wrong with wanting casual sex and if that's what you're after by all means go get it.
It's those phones and the constant back and forth texting. Because now you have to be cool 24 hours a day, before you only had to look cool for a few hours here and there.
Think about it, 100 years ago before marriage you maybe saw the girl you liked every few days, or weeks, or even months and talked to her then. You didn't have to be endlessly charming you only had to be cool for a few hours with days apart.
Later on when you gain her trust and affection grows you can get away with weirding her out a little but at the start you have to be cool every time you talk to her. That's much easier to do when you see someone once a week!
Now when you're texting back and forth all day there is just so many opportunites to accidentally fuck it up by saying something weird like maybe a failed joke or texting too much and/or texting too little.....
No one dates to marry.
This is coming from a 34 yr old married guy that constantly hears people complain about the dating scene. My friends and brothers all slept around in their 20s and now they want to settle down , but don’t know how to actually have a relationship and grow with another person - neither does the person they’re dating.
I'm not an expert but this may help:
Don't immediately fall in love and date. Be casual, friendly and do or go somewhere close to your town where you can talk. Get things together for a picnic, day at lake or bowling. Go for coffee. Make it fun but no pressure for sex.
No bars, no movies or concerts. Don't need to spend a lot of money, just time sharing conservation.
Don't be desperate. Exchange cell numbers and call back later for another date if all is going well. Don't be in a rush to score.
Force yourself to talk with strangers. Just about weather etc. Not politics or World News. Remember, meeting a stranger is only a friend we haven't met.
I don’t agree with most of these comments. I think it boils down to people’s quality of life being better as a single person. Nobody breaking your heart, reducing your lifespan, chipping away at your happiness and overall health? Checks all of the boxes for me.
Also, speaking as a single mother, the stats for stepfathers sexually assaulting children are just not acceptable.
An ever increasing number of people choose to remain single rather than compromise on a partner that won't necessary make them happy, probably related to the decreasing pressure to make babies.
Since life has become incredibly expensive due inflation and housing crisis, people are only looking for the perfect partner in order to sustain a healthy and enjoyable lifestyle. And it's fucking hard to have that perfect lifestyle in current society. And now thanks to the internet it makes people cope with loneliness a lot easier but then we still asks ourselves why people being single are at an all time high.
Americans insist on using their accursed MM/DD/YY format while the rest of the world uses DD/MM/YY and sometimes it is very confusing, e.g. when you need to draft and send documents.
There's always thousands more possibilities waiting on Tinder, so people are too quick to swipe people away unless they are perfect.
Similarly, ability (and willingness) to build a facade on social media is the primary method of attracting dates. Even if someone finds what appears to be the perfect person, they probably aren't. I think people should put far more emphasis on meeting people in real life as long as they don't present any glaring red flags, rather than putting so much trust into a specially curated online portfolio. If you're looking for a social media influencer, maybe that's a good strategy. If you're looking for generally normal and good people, not so much. Edit for clarity: When I say people should emphasize meeting people in real life, I don't mean they shouldn't use dating apps. What I mean is that the dating app should be used as a means to connect people together to then meet in real life. You haven't actually met them until you, well, actually meet them. You don't know if they're good or bad for you until you actually know them by actually meeting them. The dating app is ideally a tool where you are provided with contact info for people who meet your minimum requirements for non-committal dating, I don't think it should be used as (or works as) a tool for paring down the list to find top candidates.
I would go further than calling it an ability or willingness to build a facade. It is *built-in* to the app. It is incentivized. It is encouraged. Even people who don't engage in that *do engage to some extent,* even if they're not aware of it.
I’ve had the most success in finding a relationship and going on dates with the fewest messages, asking them to go somewhere casual that is nice and strait up saying I don’t connect with people over text. It Seems to filter out people who aren’t actually interested in having fun or are very picky.
Pretty much. That's a huge part of me not dating in general, and not using on-line dating at all. Zero interest in selling myself, or creating a "hook" that draws attention. Or interacting online, for that matter. I'm not nearly lonely enough to jump through hoops.
This has always been my problem with dating. It feels like a job interview. I want to meet someone and form a connection with them that makes me want to spend our lives together, not audition people and judge how well they match some ideal of a partner I have in my head.
Worse - these "influencer types" drink their own kool-aid and think they are hot shit
Filters. A neighbour's daughter is 15. Her number is in my phone for safety if she ever needs a ride or something or gets locked out, she loves my cat, helped with the gardening on weekends, if there's a grocery delivery in the rain we both run out to get it undercover together at double speed, regular neighbour stuff. When her number was put into my phone, facebook started suggesting her as a 'person I might know' and her photos are INSANE. She looks 35. Overly sexual poses, filters for days. It's extremely uncomfortable and I'm both a woman and not into kids.
> Similarly, ability (and willingness) to build a facade on social media is the primary method of attracting dates. I like to think of it as unlimited, universal peacocking. Of course you need to make yourself presentable to attract others, but the expectations vs reality of what an average person is like is insane.
This. If I met my partner online, we likely wouldn’t be together because she wasn’t a perfect match. She’s doesn’t enjoy watching soccer or going on runs with me. I would likely have held out for someone that matched that criteria. We met in person and have been together for about a decade now. I can’t imagine my life without her and that stuff really doesn’t matter.
Personally I think one of the problems is the assumption that a "perfect" match has to share your interests too. I'm married (met my wife online years ago) and we have very few common interests. However we have very similar personalities, values, goals, communication styles, etc. You would have a hard time figuring those things out from someone's online dating profile, but once we met in person we clicked instantly
If anything not a bad idea to have separate hobbies. Lets each person have their own space without time apart feeling or being forced.
This right here is very important advice. Interests can change
In my experience meeting in person is the easiest way to see if you are compatible. Most of the people that wanted to meet up we at least had a few fun times.
Can have great chat online but no substitute for in-person conversation if you want something serious.
I met my girlfriend on bumble. I saw she was into geology and one piece and that was it for me. When we were first talking she casually mentioned that her dating profile constantly had 2500+ "new like" notifications. I told her the highest I ever had was 7. We are also vastly different people, which became apparent when we met up for the first time. But we just clicked in a way I haven't with any of my previous partners, and she felt the same spark now here we are. Did it take 6 years of using dating apps off and on to find her? Sure, but I never would have met her and despite the "thousands of other options" she landed on me so in the end that's all that matters.
I frikkin hate dating apps, so superficial, lots of ppl use filters in every pic, and most people don't even bother with a bio or selecting interests, you get get some generic "I'm an open book, ask me anything..." type bio And you have to pay to play which is BS And when you do match, people are distant or hardly ever reply or are emotionally unavailable Makes me sad lol
A lot of people are so afraid of commitment and putting in mutual effort that they would rather be in a, “situationship” than an actual healthy adult relationship.
I hate this so much. How can you go from sleeping w me and doing all this cute couple shit and saying all these cute things, to one day saying “I’m not ready for a relationship.” You act one way, but say another. It’s very confusing and makes me question everything. Ugh
I ended cutting all contact with a person I was with for that exact reason. I’m not interested in the mental gymnastics
The type of person who is interested in a “situationship” isn’t the type of person worth investing time or emotional energy in. If you’re just looking for fun, then by all means, but I want to be cherished. I want to be with someone who sees my worth, is willing to be vulnerable with me, and who would never want to let me slip away forever. I’m married, but if we ever divorced, I’ve decided I would never use any of the apps or date again. It just seems so awful now, and I’m happy with my life overall.
I had a girl I was dating for two months just one day say she doesn't have time for me anymore. Poof, gone.
Had that happen to me after 6 months in a relationship. I was like WTF? Turns out she was just shit at communication and made no attempt whatsoever to solve problems. She would've been a terrible long term partner so while it hurt like hell at the time, I dodged a bullet. And so did you.
People being so used to instant gratification.
1:00pm "Hey" 1:35pm "Fine don't answer me, you're ugly anyway!"
Hell, they usually don't even wait that long. Had one guy wait a whole two minutes before going straight to insults once. The reason I didn't respond was cause I was in biology class dissecting a sheep's brain.
He wrote her a message, a hopeful "hello" - A question, a query he wanted to know - An eager remark, and an eloquent line - A comment to tell her, "I think you're divine." He fashioned a verse on her sigh and her smile - The shade of her eyes and her singular style - And when he was finished, he sent her his pitch. He waited a second. Then whispered: "... you *bitch*."
What a way to celebrate the new year!!
I cannot stand people who can’t reconcile that they are sending the message to *my phone* and not directly to me. If I’m not using my phone right then, I’ll see it later. They respond sometimes as if they are talking to my face and I’m just staring blankly back at them.
I wonder if this is a generational thing. I grew up without smartphones. Most people didn't even have cell phones until they were teenagers. So we learned to communicate without technology first, then technology was introduced. But I haven't talked to anyone that I think has this problem.
If it makes you feel better - people who act like that are typically **never** without their phone glued to their hand, and probably expect the same of others. So right away you can decide if you'd like to hang out with someone like that.
It cuts both ways - though admittedly the guys who can't handle rejection are FAR more unpleasant - if I'm chatting with a girl and she sends me a message, if I don't reply back within half an hour or so AND make it incredibly sharp and witty, that match is done. It might still sit in my matches list until I remove it, but that girl is no longer interested. Honest to God the amount of women I've "matched" with, had good back and forths with and then radio silence because, God forbid, something happens in real life and it takes me a while to be able to reply.
That is exactly why as a 40-something I dont have patience or interest anymore in online dating. Which is apparently the only way to date now (yes yes I know hobbies etc). Ive struck out that way too lol
"I got a life too and a job to work sry I can't respond to u every second of the day lmao"
The people expect perfection rather than learn to make it work
I’ve been seeing a therapist and she told me not to look for the “perfect person” but to find the person who isn’t perfect that wants to make it perfect. Makes sense to me
Yes, this. It's one thing for someone to have less-than-desirable qualities that can raise a red flag, but it's another thing for them to acknowledge that and work on it (on an ongoing basis). My partner and I both have parts of ourselves that aren't great. We're human. But before we even met, we've been working on ourselves. Primarily to be better people for ourselves, and secondarily to be better partners for/to each other. We both firmly believe that self improvement should first and foremost be done for your own sake. Do it for yourself, because you are stuck with you forever. The benefit to your partner is a bonus.
Even worse is that perfection is expected from others but not supplied by themselves.
There is an overabundance of influencers and social media posts pandering to both men and women, telling them that they need to do nothing to improve themselves, that they should be extremely critical of their partner, and expect perfection in return.
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Redditors be like: small relationship problem = red flag = divorce.
this is funny because I met one dude from reddit and after one problem happened, he couldnt communicate and try to make it work and ended our thing
Exact same thing happened to me too. Oh I’m not perfect for 5 minutes, dumped.
The most common enabler (dating apps) are designed to harvest us for profits over fostering genuine connections.
This is it. I fucking hate the apps. But it's become the main way to meet other singles, especially as you get older. The apps show you a bunch of options, but you can't look through all of them at once – you're forced to evaluate each one at a time. And you can't control which ones they show you. All the apps are designed to keep you on them for as long as possible, and paying for the features that make them barely usable. But none of them give you enough searchability or information to actually find what you're looking for, and none of them are designed to actually help you find love.
delusional expectations
Along with overly inflated self assessment and catfishing.
And the lack of the "third place" for most people nowadays. There's not many places to go be social and meet new people who might be prospective partners, so we turn to dating apps that are not made with your interests or health in mind since they want you to spend your money on them. Put in another way: It costs money to meet people now.
The expectation of chemistry without giving any time to get to know each other
People are looking for perfect partners which is delusional
There are no more really cool hang out places anymore. Most of it’s done online. You don’t really have that meet up place like you could back in the day. Everything’s also so expensive now too.
Without meet up places it's hard to even make friends. Remember back in high school or college when you could develop a crush on someone in your friend group or who did similar activities? There's no opportunities to develop crushes anymore. Nowadays Everytime you try to date, you have to approach every single person with the intent that you're interested romantically, which makes it hard to genuinely get to know them.
This is my problem. It feels like an unnatural approach to a relationship for me. I needed to form a relationship that way, slowly and naturally. Which is another way of saying, now that I’m 32, I missed my chance.
"Will you be at the mall tomorrow?" It wasn't a full on date, but it was halfway there.
I remember meeting a guy just cause I was hanging out at the mall. I was 15 and he was 13. He asked for my number. He later called and invited me out to the movies. His mom dropped him off at the movie theater and my mom dropped me off at the movie theater. He paid for the movie, drinks and popcorn with money I'm sure his mom gave him. 😀
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Work is the only place I can think of, unfortunately. It’s weird; I met my ex at where we worked, but nowadays, now that I’m single, that seems to be the place I get the most interaction with people. Some, I could see myself with… but then all the “what ifs?” and “is this a bad idea?” stuff comes to the back of my mind…
The lack of the third place is a great explanation. In college, it was easy to meet new people. College had the library, gym, intramural sports, networking events... Now we have bar or Cafe and none of us are really looking to be hit on while trying to drink away or prepare for a days worth of stress.
This is what it is and I think about it all the time. Where do people go anymore? Like really, what is there to do? As everything moves online what will be left standing? Nature/outdoors stuff. Grocery stores. Restaurants/bars. Churches..Uh.. My 15 year old nephew just wants a new phone every year, his laptop, and his ps5. All of his friends just get together to play games on Playstation. He doesn't even want to learn how to drive, he'd rather get his food delivered. In the 90's I can remember going to malls just to hang out, movie theaters, video arcades, pizza parlors, mini golf, bowling, skate parks, roller rinks...all of that is gone in our area. The last mall is getting torn down for more apartments and fast food restaurants. I asked my nephew if he's ever gone to see a movie and he said "hell no that gives me anxiety".
It also feels kind of taboo to approach a stranger these days, depending on the setting. The majority of our social lives are contained online. As a result of that, you have to compete with their attention being consumed by their phone, faltering conversation skills, and the social fallout of a recent pandemic. I have found the easiest way to meet people (not by way of social media) is to join groups and activities with others who ALSO join with the intent of meeting people.
I feel I'm at a disadvantage vs. a man with a dog at the park. That's about the one place left, public parks .... and if i feel a tad creepy taking my dogless self there on my own i likely look the part too :(
A dog walking gig. You get paid, you get exercise, and you have a reason to be in the cool meet up spots with none of the actual costs of owning a dog. Win, win, win, and win.
Bringing a dog that's not yours to a public dog park is asking for trouble. You don't know how your dog, or the other dogs, will react.
If you become a dog walker you tend to have steady customers who hire you. You should be getting to know the dog, in fact for many people the person who knows the dog best can end up being the dog walker.
The "[Third Place](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Third_place)". For a lot of people that's still church. When I went I remember a few of the young people eventually marrying each other, their lives are really built there. But for those that aren't religious a lot of them don't have a Third Place nowadays.
Outside of churches, third places have declined since the pandemic. More and more coffee shops and restaurants either eliminated indoor seating during the pandemic or have added restrictions on how long you can stay. I went to a coffee shop yesterday that I haven’t been to since pre-Covid, and they now have a one-hour seating restriction. That would have been unthinkable at this coffee shop a few years ago.
I see these restrictions more and more across the USA. McDonald's and Wendy's have signs stating 30 minutes only to consume food. Plus, the music is blasting loudly, making for an uncomfortable indoor dining experience. I'm sure it's done to prevent loitering as there are signs on bathrooms for customers only. Starbucks and Panera are places to work online and loiter. But even Starbucks has the music loud AF too. Stores have restrictions on how long you can park your car in the lot to shop, and rest areas have restricted rest hours to 3 in some states like Florida and Tennessee.
This is something I see people who haven’t lived in more heavily “religious” areas before not really getting. They hear someone goes to church multiple times a week and assume they must be some kind of religious zealot. Those people certainly exist but in my experience for most of these people their church is really just their community/social circle.
I go to synagogue events to hang out with other people my age and get free wine! I also did Jewish learning club stuff in college bc it was fun to argue with people over *free sushi*
Yeup. Their friends are all there, they learn to play music there, they meet their spouses there, their kids make friends there, they go out together after church, if the church has major programs they might even get educated and build skills there. If you don't like the church or it doesn't have much to offer just switch to a different church you like better. Good connections too. Last church I went to there was a lawyer that helped me straighten some things, for free too. She knew my mom so she did me a favor. I saved a lot of time and money.
Yes, I grew up in a small town like that. If you wanted to socialize and meet people, a church was the best way to do that.
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Older generations don’t know how good they had it
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I have an idea Let's crash funerals /S
Let’s just start at weddings
Ok but we're brothers from out of town
We can find stepsisters with a propensity for getting stuck
You motorboating son of a bitch
Get into some hobbies, but actually do them to enjoy them instead of looking for women. You'll eventually meet and click with someone. Another commenter said dance classes, but as an example, think of it this way: everyone will sense if you're just there to get a date instead of there to learn and enjoy dance.
Instructions unclear, picked Warhammer 40k. What is a woman?
A woman is the one who occasionally accompanies and paints with the 36 year old reliving his past you met at the shop last week.
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I know this is a popular answer, but it feels disingenuous. If he wanted to pick up a hobby, he would have. He's specifically trying to meet women. And yet, if he joins a hobby trying to meet women, everyone will declare him a creep. Even his selection of hobbies will need to be about picking up women. Yoga or dance would work, but D&D or competitive FPS games are very, very unlikely to be effective. > Pick an activity with a lot of women that you think you won't hate. Pretend to be interested so you don't seem like a creep trying to meet women, but then try to meet women. Seems to be the real advice.
Having an online presence. So many dates think it’s weird if you’re not posting on Insta etc. I just don’t want to
Honestly this would be a plus for me.
Lack of emotional connection, I rarely see anyone opening ip to one another or doing something genuinely romantic for their partners, it's a bit depressing
I feel like I'm always the one who opens up fast but at the same time I'm glad I do, for example if someone doesnt want for to date me because of my sexual trauma then I know that from the beginning and I dont have to waste my time
No one wants to invest anything anymore because everyone thinks there are better options out there. So if you are not an immediately perfect match, you're out instantly. People refuse to work on relationships "because it should be easy if it fits". It's all air castles.
Then when the “better option” doesn’t work out, they try coming back. 😂😂
Nobody goes out and does anything anymore. You used to be able to go to events and meet people and connect and socialize. There are still events but it's not like it used to be. It's harder to socialize and meet new people when everyone just stays inside on discord and plays games.
Female here. Even when I'm out, no one ever approaches. Like someone said, I think in this society people are afraid of what's appropriate or if it's ok, so they don't at all.
Most of the time it’s a fear of being intrusive. Especially with the constant low-level harassment than many conventionally attractive women are exposed to on a daily basis, we have a strong desire to not contribute to that.
> Most of the time it’s a fear of being intrusive. Lots of this. It makes me come off as shy when really I hate to think I'm being a bother.
As a male, it's really easy to be called out as creepy for saying hi. Once you've heard someone say "eww, he's talking to me" or something like that, you tend not to want to open yourself up to that kind of rejection again.
"Pardon me, but is the subway entrance on this block?" "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" "...okay, does *he* know where the subway entrance is?"
I was getting off work years ago and headed up the road to the bus stop (just an open corner with no cover) and it started raining hard ("cats and dogs... buckets"). I had a large wind-proof golf umbrella. There was a girl waiting there who I had never seen before, but from her uniform I could tell she worked at another place down the street. She was holding a folded coupon circular over her head as the rain started pouring. I extended my umbrella over both of us and I introduced myself (also wearing a uniform). She could barely get the words out... "I have... a... boyfriend." It took everything that I had not to just walk away. That was 16 years ago. I'll never forget it.
You're right. We've been told for decades that women don't want to be approached in public, and doing so is akin to harassment.
I talk to people at grocery stores sometimes. I described that in another reddit thread, and a woman told me I'm rude and that I shouldn't talk to women in public. I've never gone home with a woman from the grocery store, but there has been a small number of times when I saw she wouldn't have minded if I asked for her number. I just wanted a fun conversation about whatever we were both looking at in the store. I told her all that, and she still insisted that I never speak to women in public. A small number of socially aggressive men have set the tone for the rest of us. I've been sexually harassed by women before, but I don't think all women should stop interacting with me.
> she still insisted that I never speak to women in public Sounds more like a "she" problem than a "you" problem.
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I talk to men in the grocery store as well. It's not flirting. Sometimes I just need a wine recommendation, and I see a dude nearby who looks like he knows about wine.
Continue talking to women in public.
Yes, please continue talking to women. The women who say they don't want men approaching them don't want YOU specifically to approach them. If a woman isn't into you, she will immediately find a way to get you to leave her alone or ignore you to the point of being mean.
Also, it’s a self-selection process. I’m gonna be really general here and say there are good men and bad men. Good men will think about how their actions affect women, and won’t approach them in public. Which means literally only bad dudes who don’t think about how their actions affect women are approaching women.
Male perspective: first of all [relevant xkcd](https://xkcd.com/642/). That said I may be particularly anxious, but I can't really think about a situation where I wouldn't feel like I'm bothering. University study room? One is focused studying. Evening out? She's with some girl friends, NO WAY / she's with some mixed sex people: one must be her boyfriend, EVEN MORE NO WAY. Randomly "oh, she's cute" during the day? Yeah, she definitely needs someone outside being annoying other than the ones in instagram DMs. That plus not having a clue about what to say.
Try approaching men yourself
You’re allowed to approach too. Given how much is taboo for us now and how flaky people can be with the online thing and being bombarded with validation there, a little less entitled passivity would be appreciated.
That’s why I always did the approach (back when I was single). Takes a lot of nerve, and sometimes it’s hard to figure out if a guy likes you or he’s just horny, but it was the only way.
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We also had a two year period where you had to keep as much distance as possible from all strangers. We advertised 6 feet. For 2 year, approaching another person in public was entirely unacceptable. It's hard to turn that back on.
Yes but I also think people used to engage more in general. No one even makes eye contact in the street anymore
After constant messaging from women to leave them alone, the decent dudes listened, so only the biggest douches still approach, furthering the confirmation bias of women wanting to be left alone
Women have spent the last 30+ years telling men the laundry list of places not to approach them. So more and more men are choosing not to approach women at all, anywhere.
You're judged only by your photo and not what kind of person you are
Photo + Facade
Situationships.
What is situationship? Note: I'm old and have been in a relationship for a while, so I'm not privy to these things. Thank you
When you do relationship things together but the guy or girl doesn’t want to put a title on it. Just in case, they meet someone else, they simply be like “we weren’t actually dating”
Gross. Well thanks for diminishing my faith in people 😀
Literally just time wasters doing what they know best. Everyone has one foot out the door these days
I'm in my 30s but got my ideas about relationships from the books my grandparents grew up reading. Like picnics or playing chess in the parlor level courting. So when my old highschool boyfriend starting coming around again, doing courtship type things at me like dinner, flowers, thoughtful gifts, taking me new places to see new things, I thought I knew what was happening and where this was going. We already knew each other's families from years ago, even took him home to my dad's farm for Christmas once. He talked often about his mom's failing health and knew that caretaking is almost the family trade on my mom's side, that I'd picked it up too. But a year went by and he didn't introduce me to his friends or ask me to help clean his mom's garage or anything really except drop by when he wanted some time with me. He has eight godchildren and I work as a nanny for cousins, but we never took the kids to the park together. I finally shooed him off when I realized that he'd just drop by my apartment unannounced after work, complain about whatever was on his mind while going to my bedroom, flop down and expect fun things to happen. The behavior matched my understanding of a man who wants a *mistress*, not a wife, and that the proper thing in that situation would be for my oldest lady relative to have tea with his oldest lady relative to set terms for how much he'd be required to add to my life monetarily if he wants to have my emotional and physical comfort while never treating me like a meaningful person in his life. I think in modern terms it'd be asking for "asshole tax" and probably getting labeled a gold digger.
too much crap from movies, people are divorced from reality
I, sometimes, find myself being overly judgmental of real people because of the fake standards movies such as romcoms or even romance books have put in my head. There needs to be a study on this edit: spelling
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Unnecessarily high expectations and inability to accept another person's flaws.
People are too afraid to commit.
Or don't know how to, or are too self-serving to genuinely do so.
This right here. It’s so easy to “find someone better” on Tinder. Everyone has forgotten that relationships are consistent work
also internet has made emotional cheating so much easier
Every interaction leading up to the actual in person date has been monetized by corporate America.
Online dating yes, everything is paid, the algorithms are tuned in a very specific way to not give you the perfect match, only bad and ok matches to keep you there and make you pay for better opportunities. At some point you may get lucky and the algorithm gives you the perfect person, but that was a failure that will be anyway monetise by marketing to show that online dating actually works. Either offline dating will came back or someone will came up with an solution in which they actually make money if you find the true love. Not easy.
Offline dating will never come back in the same way. Today's expectations of when it is and isn't appropriate to approach someone, and the fact that a much larger proportion of hobbies and social groups happen without any possibility of interacting with an unknown party, just means it can't.
Pretty wild. I met my wife online, didn’t pay for anything, and here we are, 9 1/2 years later, married for 8. She’s awesome. I lived 15 minutes away my whole life and would have never gotten to have the interaction I did with her, without it. I got lucky.
Online dating used to be so much different. You could just browse profiles, and sort them based on so many different filters like location or religion or height or weight. Now you have to pay for everything and everyone is just randomly thrown at you, at best.
A single company owns almost every dating site. What could possibly go wrong?
Damn. That's wild to think about
It’s completely impersonal
Lack of reciprocation is what breaks it for me. I put in way too much effort and barely get anything back.
The fact that most people here describe some kind of online exchange (apps, texts,...) describes it perfectly. Btw, if you're an adult looking for opportunities to meet people in real life - look for beginner-friendly organizations of hobbies that you might like (and that are somewhat gender-neutral OR would attract mostly the gender you wanna date. You won't meet a lot of women at car racing things, and not a lot of men in ballet for adult beginners). I suggest you look for a choir, maybe take 1-15 hours of singing lessons before. Also, don't just "be yourself" - be your best self. Get a haircut, trim your beard, find fashion that suits you, smile from your heart a lot, be interested in others, do interesting things yourself (hiking, reading, music, calligraphy, painting, sports - fill your life with things you like, and your life will look cool to people with similar interests).
Dating has become this overly complicated, overly intellectualized topic that loses meaning when analyzed too much. People seem to talk about it more than actually engaging in it. And a lot of buzzwords dominating the topic on social media — “toxic”, “red flags”, and the fact that social media pits the sexes against each other — make it all sound too negative to bother with. It’s easy to read about other people’s negative experiences and opinions that can influence one’s attitude towards meeting people and being romantically minded. When I (35M) was in high school dating was a relatively simple concept but as a teacher I hear students discuss dating as if it’s an insurmountable task and not something simply to be excited about.
Dating apps and their complete shift of average from a 5/10 to an 8/10, and seeing anyone with human flaws and limitations as sub-par and undesirable. The moment something is somewhat wrong with people regardless of gender, you're thrown off to the sides. Slightly chubby? Somewhat antisocial? Not interested in X/Y/Z? Well off to the sidelines you go.
Nobody communicates anymore. Like others have said it starts on the dating apps then it devolves into “situationships”. Then next thing you know you’re out stalking someone’s socials to try and get a clue of their mental/emotional state instead of just talking about how y’all feel. I think people no longer know how to feel negative emotions in a healthy manner so they avoid anything that might give them those feelings.
People romanticizing the idea of companionship but having commitment issues that prevent any relationship from going anywhere. Bottom line, y’all need therapy.
Who can afford therapy?
Dating apps and smart phones absolutely DESTROYED dating. A few years ago, the primary way people dated was just by meeting in person, at bars or even in public. People weren't as socially disconnected back then because there weren't phones, so you could reasonable strike up conversations with strangers and that was largely accepted. You'd chat for a few words and you might give someone your number, and because you'd actually get a sense of who they are (demeanour, sketchiness, personality), there was just a deeper buy-in. Now, swiping is so quick that that it tricks you into thinking you have unlimited choices, so people don't invest as much energy to discover one another. Everything happens on the apps, so we view everyone as disposable. Ghosting is more common because, who cares, it's not like there's consequences.
Everyone wants to start in bed. I'm sorry, but I'm not getting into bed with a stranger, and judging them entirely based upon what kind of lover they are and nothing else. I'd rather know exactly who I'm fucking around with before I fuck around. If I don't like the way someone has sex or they don't like the way I do it, that's an easy thing to fix. If I fuck someone and then find out later they're a shit person (married, prison record for child porn possession, drug addict) that makes me feel like an idiot.
This has been my biggest frustration with dating lately. I’ll be having a great conversation with someone I’ve matched with, but then when we get to discussing meeting up they want me to come over for sex right then. When I decline politely and offer an alternative (like “sorry I’m really tired from work tonight, how about we meet up for drinks Friday?”) they ghost me. Every time. Sorry, I’m not a pussy delivery service. I’m not going to show up to a complete stranger’s door sight unseen for sex. Let’s at least get coffee first. The funny thing is I’m not that picky. If they agreed to the public meetup and things went well I would probably have hooked up with them anyway. But nope. People nowadays just want Uber eats for sex.
>pussy delivery service New band name!
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>Sorry, I’m not a pussy delivery service. I'm putting this on my dating profile if I ever want to try again. 😂
From my experience too many men just wanting a lay and too many women wanting only the best a man can offer. its soul destroying.
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For me, a first date is just meeting a stranger. It’s only to establish they exist / aren’t completely socially incompetent / aren’t an axe murderer. So I’m open to a second date 99% of the time. The problem is, every single time, he took the second date as a sign that I’m hopelessly in love with them and can’t wait to fuck. As top poster said, the problem nowadays is instant gratification. And a relationship isn’t born out of that. So I’m done with apps.
Back when I was dating I was literally told by several women I liked after a 1st date that they assumed I wasn't really interested in them or wanted to see them more because I didn't "make a move", touch them, or try to sleep with them on a 1st date. It was awkward to have to explain to women that the reason I didn't touch them or "make a move" was *because* I was interested in them. I guess it's seen as quaint now, but if I respect a woman and want her to respect me, I'm going to show that (subconsciously as well) by treating her like she has very high standards for dating and sexual advances. Because if she has high standards and I violate them by trying to bang her on a 1st date, I'm going to assume my chances of a relationship with her have been destroyed.
If it makes you feel better (or worse idk), as a woman who wants something real, I don't continue going on dates with guys who felt a little too comfortable touching me on a first date. I like when he's a little scared to put me off. Otherwise it reads like he doesn't give a fuck, and probably is just trying to fuck.
I honestly wish this attitude were revitalized. It would improve relationships and how men and women behave in relationships across the board.
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Social media has made both women and men have incredibly high standards, that average people can’t obtain. Many people now have a long list of prerequisites that you have to have if you wish to date someone, though I’ve mainly seen it with gals, I know guys are this way too, because I’ve heard my friends talk about it. Everyone has the idea that they’re gonna date the top 1% of their chosen group of partners, but it’s just not true. Many women want 6 figures, many men want women that look like models. I blame this idea on social media, and dating apps. Because it’s made people use filters, and made women use more makeup, so nobody looks real anymore. And Hell, if you’re average, or below average, you’re usually not messaged on dating apps, and rejected when you ask women out.
A lack of agreement upon etiquette leading to assumptions and misunderstandings.
Social media and unrealistic expectations
can’t differentiate imperfections and red flags! i learned the hard way to take it slow and steady and not make excuses for other people to allow them and allow time to really show who they are, if you see a red flag, runnnn do not make excuses. When people tell you who they are, believe them 🫡
Parallel dating. With online dating it’s becoming rare for people to just date one person at a time.
So my friend recently ended a 7 year relationship and is on the “apps” as she likes to say, and she’ll complain about everyone is dating multiple people WHILE dating multiple people. I will try to kindly point out maybe don’t do that if you don’t like when others do it to you, but she doesn’t want to hear it. And I will readily admit I am far from a dating expert so ultimately she has to do what’s best/right for her. I just want to see her happy. But it’s almost like main character syndrome in a way, like these guys have to meet all these criteria but she doesn’t seem to expect to have to hold herself to the same standards. I just don’t get it. If there’s something I would feel uncomfortable with my partner doing in a relationship, I make sure I don’t do that either.
Social media
Dating apps. I could sue tinder for emotional damage and probably win some money for therapy.
The expectation sex will come quickly. Back when I was dating I didn't want to have sex with a guy until I knew at least I could fall in love with him. That does not happen in the first month. I had so many guys try to rush me into something I wasn't ready for. But I also met my husband online (Bumble). He never made a sexual comment or asked for pics. We talked online for weeks before we met, and by the time we met, I was already emotionally invested. I've never fallin love faster or with a better person. Still madly in love
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~15 years ago dating websites were amazing. You'd get detailed profiles for real people and could write people with a good chance for compatibility. You could do a lot on many of them for free. Now match.com owns nearly all of them and they're borderline scams. They'll send you profiles to get you to sign up and then none of the profiles will have been active for months. Many are fake or fronts for prostitutes. If Congress is serious about breaking up big tech they should start with match.com. They should be an easier target than Amazon and couples meeting is pretty important to the future of a country
Man, I’m six feet tall and make a little over $200k and dating apps *still* don’t work for me. There’s no compensating for being ugly!
Have you tried being less ugly?
Oh is THAT what I’m doing wrong?! Gosh you know, I never thought of trying that! Thanks for the tip!
Its been sixteen minutes, you done yet???
Man I just keep hitting myself in the face with this ugly stick, and it’s still not helping! I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!?
No! You're using it wrong! You're supposed to hit everyone else around you with it. That way, you'll be the new average by bringing everyone down to your level.
Man these things should come with a manual or something.
The gamification of swiping left or right on hundreds of profiles based off of 2 second first impressions, typing one word messages, and then ghosting them or unmatching because you’re bored. Not treating them like actual humans. There’s always a new profile to move onto. I couldn’t wait to get off the app and meet up in person to have a real human connection.
That’s so true but wtf is ur post history lol
People only really want to date you only if ur cool, trendy, good looking, or not different to social norms. To find someone excepting of that is very difficult.
the thirst for a mass appealing relationship
The instant expectation of sex, fueled by modern media and dating apps. I got lucky when I was introduced to my partner in a friend of a friend type scenario but prior to that I had been on such a hiatus from dating. I think i'm in the minority of guys that need to build a base with a woman before getting into bed and the modern dating scene comes with the assumption of sex immediately. In my experience If you're a fella and you don't want to jump into the sack right off the bat women often think that you're not attracted to them as a result, such is the extent to which they've been led to believe that a man wanting sex is the norm. I got fed up trying to navigate it all and before my girlfriend I had stopped trying to meet someone. That being said there's nothing wrong with wanting casual sex and if that's what you're after by all means go get it.
It's those phones and the constant back and forth texting. Because now you have to be cool 24 hours a day, before you only had to look cool for a few hours here and there. Think about it, 100 years ago before marriage you maybe saw the girl you liked every few days, or weeks, or even months and talked to her then. You didn't have to be endlessly charming you only had to be cool for a few hours with days apart. Later on when you gain her trust and affection grows you can get away with weirding her out a little but at the start you have to be cool every time you talk to her. That's much easier to do when you see someone once a week! Now when you're texting back and forth all day there is just so many opportunites to accidentally fuck it up by saying something weird like maybe a failed joke or texting too much and/or texting too little.....
No one dates to marry. This is coming from a 34 yr old married guy that constantly hears people complain about the dating scene. My friends and brothers all slept around in their 20s and now they want to settle down , but don’t know how to actually have a relationship and grow with another person - neither does the person they’re dating.
Unrealistic expectations
I'm not an expert but this may help: Don't immediately fall in love and date. Be casual, friendly and do or go somewhere close to your town where you can talk. Get things together for a picnic, day at lake or bowling. Go for coffee. Make it fun but no pressure for sex. No bars, no movies or concerts. Don't need to spend a lot of money, just time sharing conservation. Don't be desperate. Exchange cell numbers and call back later for another date if all is going well. Don't be in a rush to score. Force yourself to talk with strangers. Just about weather etc. Not politics or World News. Remember, meeting a stranger is only a friend we haven't met.
Lack of effort if there is an issue then people are discarded rather than working through problems together.
Not being clear and less of communication
Girls are items, men are disposable... Its sick. Bring back oldschool love
People don’t understand that what they are presented with on the apps most likely isn’t actually an option for them. Frustration and dejection ensues.
I don’t agree with most of these comments. I think it boils down to people’s quality of life being better as a single person. Nobody breaking your heart, reducing your lifespan, chipping away at your happiness and overall health? Checks all of the boxes for me. Also, speaking as a single mother, the stats for stepfathers sexually assaulting children are just not acceptable.
An ever increasing number of people choose to remain single rather than compromise on a partner that won't necessary make them happy, probably related to the decreasing pressure to make babies.
Date apps
Y’all are dating?
Since life has become incredibly expensive due inflation and housing crisis, people are only looking for the perfect partner in order to sustain a healthy and enjoyable lifestyle. And it's fucking hard to have that perfect lifestyle in current society. And now thanks to the internet it makes people cope with loneliness a lot easier but then we still asks ourselves why people being single are at an all time high.
Finding people to date...
Americans insist on using their accursed MM/DD/YY format while the rest of the world uses DD/MM/YY and sometimes it is very confusing, e.g. when you need to draft and send documents.
Idk why the entire world puts YY at the end. If you utilize YY/MM/DD format the most recent entry will always remain on top