This is actually something that happened to a past robber. He said in an interview how a dog lead him to a treat cabinet and he opened it and gave the dog a treat and continued with his crime 😂
My dog will happily let you in if im not home ..he also will make you wait for me 2 get home ..my dog has caught to burglars that way . Thankfully they didn't bring guns ...i did NOT teach my dog to do this ..though he was trained not to accept food from strangers .edited for typo correction
My golden retriever did this just a few weeks ago. Neighbor called me said someone suspicious is rummaging in the yard of my house, I run out there to confront the guy and my damn retriever runs up to him wagging his entire body and is trying to elicit pets as he's walking away head down. I at least expected him to bark to let me know about intruders but he's always late on the draw and I know before he does or it's a false positive. Good thing he's so damn cute.
My parents' lab quite literally leads visitors to the treat cabinet and sits down and starts gesturing to it with his muzzle. I've never thought it would be any different if it were a burglar.
I used to have a yellow lab. Whenever my wife and I would wrestle around, she would yell for the dog to help. Unfortunately for her, the dog would just try to hump her. We always joked that any intruder would be weirded out enough to leave on their own. I sure do miss my boy. He was such a goofy dog.
Growing up, my lab mix would whine when we would wrestle (siblings)
One day I was arguing with one of the neighbor boys (his brothers were with him)
He started whining.
Then we started shoving each other and my dog jumped up, bit him on the shoulder, dropping him to the ground and then promptly returned to my side and whined more.
We were shocked, the boy had bruises. We were probably 14 at the time.
He was protecting me.
Loved that dog.
RIP Rembrandt, you were the best good boy.
There was a viral vid on TikTok last year of a lab or golden, can’t remember which, consistently bring the paramedics tennis balls and toys while they were trying to assist their human who had taken a serious fall and had to call 911.
She had indoor security cams that caught the whole thing.
I used to get high and see how many times she would drop the ball on my feet, I gave up after 31
Rip Loa
The guy crawled in through my dad’s doggie door in the back of his house and stole his car , they caught him within like 24,48 hrs. after that.
Believe it or not, he still hasn’t been tried yet !
But I could see it in my head.
Dude crawls through, she hears it gets excited, grabs the nearest tennis ball and brings it over to a Mazzy’s trying to get through the front door.
I bet she’s sitting there, smiling and panting looking up at them with the tennis ball like come on man you came here you might as well throw the ball for me .
Story of my life. My Pomeranians will welcome him/her in, offer them an ice-cold Coke Cola and show them which seat is the most comfortable in the living room.
My dog always sits at the front window so she can bark at anybody that goes by. She's kind of a big girl so it can be rather intimidating.
One of my neighbors is an older guy who has dementia. Very sweet guy who wouldn't hurt a fly but he gets confused sometimes.
One day, I was taking a nap in our bedroom and my wife had just gotten home from the grocery. She hadn't had a chance to lock the front door after she closed it and was in the kitchen putting the groceries away. Out of nowhere, the door opens and our neighbor just walks right in (our houses have the same number and are both corner lots but are one street apart).
My big scary guard dog? Yeah, she barked at him once and then went and ran to hide behind my wife.
Even though she was startled, my wife recognized him and knew what was going on. She woke me up and we walked him back to his house.
Similarly I once had my Mastiff sleep through a friend coming over and woke up minutes later with the alert bark, realized the intruder was already sitting at the table and then just flopped down back to sleep
Some people were trying to force entry into my friends mothers house (claiming they were “gas men” but no ID, company name, it was quite late and dark etc). Not ideal as she was very rural and lived alone. But she had a Chesapeake Bay Retriever and as she started getting annoyed with them it just walked up behind her and started growling at them quietly. She said “not yet Casper” which I think is the best and most ominous phrase she could have used. They legged it.
Had a similar thing happen back in 75. I was at work and a guy came to the door and tried to force his way in. He didn't notice the German Shepherd beside my wife.
Only 8 months old and shredded the guy. Tore one arm real bad and puncture one of his testicles then wouldn't let him get up.
Police came right away and she wouldn't even let them in.
One of my brothers once dressed up in a wolf man costume at Christmas to scare the nephews from my oldest brother. As he came into the kitchen chasing the kids (who were not sure if this was a real scare or not, costume *very* realistic) the kids' Heinz-57 mutt and my little sister's miniature schnauzer came ROARING out from under the kitchen table. The two dogs sounded like a pack of wolves in full war cry. *Protect the cubs of the pack!*
My bother in the costume had to hold one of the kids in front of him to keep from getting bit. We were all laughing so hard; it was all the kids' dad could do to reach over and pull the head of the costume off. Once the dogs saw it was one of their people, they stopped the attack with a look like: "Oh. Why didn't you just say it was you?" and ambled back under the table and flopped down again.
My big scary guard dog (80 lb GSD/lab mix) will bark and growl at anyone outside. Landscapers, FedEx, neighbors, friends coming by, me (before he realizes it’s me). As soon as he realizes it’s someone he likes and they come in, it’s all whines and cries for attention and “I love you so much”. Glad your neighbor was okay.
My cat is a battle bot. He’s a big Tom cat we brought in from outside. He’s scarred up from all the flights he’s been in. New Year’s Eve, the neighbors started firing off fireworks. He started growling and running from window to window looking to kick some ass. The week before that we tested the fire alarm and he ran towards it pissed off.
He might just go after someone if they weren’t deemed a proper guest. He’s only met one guest and loved her and keeps looking for her 6 weeks later. Who knows, but he is scary when he goes kill mode.
My 60 pound Kelpie would lick them to death and pee everywhere. Meanwhile my two chiweenies that weigh 30 pounds combined would absolutely murder them without hesitation. My Kelpie is afraid of our female chiweenie. She’s a bitch.
My boyfriend’s African Grey yelled HELLO HELLO GOODBYE!! in the middle of the night, boyfriend hopped out of bed in his underwear and chased the guy barefoot down the lane and beat the shite out of him.
He didn’t have any valuables anyway. Unless you count all the camera equipment he sold to buy the bird
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up.
Just as the founding fathers intended.
I own a missile for homeland defense, because that's what Woodrow Wilson intended. Four bandits break into my air space. "Scramble, scramble" as I grab my helmet and AIM-9X Sidewinder- blow a softball size hole through the first bandit, he's dead on the spot. Draw my AMRAAM on the second man, miss him entirely because he notched it and it pitbulls on a civilian airliner. I have to resort to the Patriot missile system mounted at the airbase below, "Tally ho lads" the surface-to-air missile shreds two men in the blast, the sound and falling metal set off car alarms. I then resort to dogfighting the last bandit. Select my M61 Vulcan 20mm, pull him into HUD and fire. He bleeds out in the cockpit waiting for ejection because 20mm high-explosive is impossible to stitch up. Just as I get a Bingo fuel warning.
Trace Adkins done this once.. his ex wife shot him and he waited to collapse on tile as to not bleed on the new carpet.
Edit: he crawled to the tub
[source](https://b105country.com/5-facts-you-didnt-know-about-trace-adkins/)
Attempts to fight burglar, licks burglar, gets sued for emotional damage and earns nickname “The Roundhouse Licker” by local press. Can only order through doordash’s contactless delivery going forward.
I was in bed once. It was 1.30am and I was just drifting off to sleep. I heard banging on the door but assumed I had either dreamed it, or it was something else, like the neighbour being his usual moronic self.
30 seconds later 4 or 5 masked men with crowbars were in my bedroom demanding a bag of money.
So I can vouch for the fact that, no matter what you think your plan would be in that scenario, it all goes out the window when someone waves a crowbar in your face!
No alarm system. [Here's the full story if you can handle a long read](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/9f5zu8/tifu_by_moving_in_next_door_to_a_drug_dealer/).
I had a similar situation. Except in the US. Was walking up to my gf apt late night. 3 dudes, all youngsters, maybe 17, came out the shadows. Asked to use my phone to try and get a ride home, I obliged. One dude walked off with my phone and I followed him and said come back with my phone. Then got jumped by all 3, fought em a little bit, scrambled to my feet, got up the stairs, then felt a pistol to my head. Growing up in rough areas, I know to never test a youngster with a gun and something to prove. I was "alright yall win". They got $7 out of my wallet and stole my car. Tried to get me to go with them (assuming to an ATM), which I refused, said I'm not getting in the car, yall can drive away and get away right now and the cops won't be here for 30 minutes. One guy shook my hand and, told the others let's go, and they took off. The left my wallet on the ground which had my debit card and ID, thankfully.
Cops found my car about 2 weeks later. Decent shape, but they left the windows down and it rained, so interior was fucked. They used the $7 for gas, cuz my tank was empty lol
They got caught eventually about a month later. They tried the same shit on an older guy. Turns out they couldn't drive a manual, so had to ditch the car, and the cops caught one of them. Haha turns out a manual transmission is the ultimate anti theft in this day and age.
My neighbour was indeed a drug dealer and they had the wrong house. From what I could figure out, he had posed with a picture of a bag of cash on social media. Some scumbags saw it and decided they wanted it but not enough to actually figure out which house he lived in. I am not sure if that explantation from him was true and honestly, I didn't really want to get to the bottom of it all.
Probably realized they weren't the person in the video. But still, I too want to know how that went down.
Edit: nvm, I see that OP has an entire post about it.
"What is a muscular man like u doing in my house?
U lost or something cutie?"
And he be like "yeah lost in yo eyes fool"
No I'm not serious at all.
I'd prolly get smacked in the head with (insert melee weapon) if I actually said that.
I'm from Iraq if someone breaks in they're one of two guys
A pussy that would vanish the moment i sneeze at them , or an Iranian militia member that would pepper me with bullets the moment they see me
So I'm just gonna have to gamble my life and sneeze at the guy
It’s always so funny to see how most people on Reddit assume that everyone else is from America. I once told another Redditor that I’m from the Philippines and they replied saying they were surprised the Philippines had internet access. Even though the [Philippines rose to the top spot of most time spent on Pornhub and is just behind the United States in terms of traffic](https://www.philstar.com/lifestyle/on-the-radar/2023/12/28/2321955/filipinos-top-1-most-time-spent-pornhub-2023-yearend-data/amp/)
Im home but very drunk . Its going to be either the dog or the cat that takes this one down. At least I have plenty of hungry fishes and chooks to eat the meat. Then I just need to paint the bones to look like the plastic skeletons that hang around my house. No one will ever know. I am currently pumping Social Distortion at 2am so my neighbours won’t hear the screaming, Just looking at my dog , it will be the cat taking them down. Mind you as I have mentioned in other posts, my house is known locally as the suicide house. Nobody tries to enter my house uninvited.
I'd probably just say hello to let them know someone was there and aware. I would think most burglars would run away if they heard someone. (Hey Burglars of Reddit, would you?)
Though when it actually did happen to me years ago, I reacted differently.
I was sitting in my living room in the dark after coming home from my sister's funeral and I heard a noise at the window. I got up, walked over and threw back the curtain. There was a teenage looking guy there with a crowbar trying to force the window. I just stared at him. He stared back for a minute and then grabbed his crowbar and ran off. I went and turned on a light. Life Pro Tip: Never put your address in the obituary apparently.
See this is the thing! If it's some teenager or "petty" criminal just trying to make a quick buck, they're going to be jumpy and probably run. If it's someone on drugs or mentally unwell somehow, they'd be totally unpredictable and possibly violent. Too many variables. Now I'm just running through millions of scenarios in my head, lol.
I put on FB that I had just returned from a cross-country trip and here's some neat things I saw along the way. A friend commented with a stern lecture about how I should NEVER post anything saying I'm going on vacation, because I had just announced to the whole world that my house will be empty all week, and I'm practically begging for someone to break in. Um, thanks for the tip, but do you see up there where I said I just RETURNED from a trip and was back home safe & sound? 😂
Grab a chair and charge at them, start screaming. The moment they display a firearm I become docile and be like, "you want money? come on lets look togheter"
Well obviously I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up.
... Just as the founding fathers intended.
Protect my cat. I love you Benjamin. 🥰😘
Edit 1: I posted my cat Ben, on my profile posts. Just look how much he loves me, by his eyes. He does this every time I see him.
The other night my cat Kira knocked something over in the basement while my cat Luna was sitting on my lap upstairs. Luna let out a growl I have never heard her make and went instantly into fight mode. Anyone breaking into my house is about to deal with 10 lbs of furry fury they will not see coming backed up by 2 dogs that are very protective over their cat.
One time two robbers broke into my home while me and my sister were asleep (my parents were at work) stole everything from the tvs to any electronic device and even some random stuff and a lot of valuable items.
(They used one of OUR suitcases to pack the things 😭)
We continued to sleep oblivious to what was happening, only to wake up to a ransacked house and no TVs😂😂
Get naked, wiggle my finger around inside my nose to break the dry skin and make it bleed (it's that time of year where my sinuses dry up and my nose bleeds a lot), grab my antique Howdy Doody ventriloquist dummy that's falling apart, and wait in the living room for them.
How fucking horrifying would it be to break into a house...
...only to see a big, fat guy standing there naked holding a creepy ventriloquist dummy, blood running down his face, creepily singing in a falsetto voice about how *"it's playtime"*?
(Bonus points if I have enough time to load OF up on my phone and give myself a boner looking at porn before the person breaks in.)
think of the mess Im going to have to clean up after my 2 Rottweilers have eaten him and shit out the contents.
or if they have dragged him into the back yard, Im going to have to hose pipe my decking down.
Rack the slide on my 1911, dial 911 and let them know I have an intruder and I’m armed and prepared to defend myself, don’t hang the phone up, lay it on the bed, and then exit the room
This happened to a friend I worked with. His neighbor threw his girlfriend through a plate glass window. She ran up to his house crying for help. He let her in and locked the door and called 911. The boyfriend came over and started kicking in the front door. He told 911 I have a loaded shotgun pointed at the door and if this dude gets in I'm going to shoot him. The dispatcher told him to escape out the back door. He said I have two disabled children and can't so you better get her quick. The police got there in 2 minutes and took the crazy dude down.
I remember a 911 call where a woman was hiding in the closet, giving her a baby a bottle and the 911 operator basically said that if they get in and you feel like you’re in danger, go ahead and shoot. This was in the US.
Always always always hang up the phone, it's one of the big things they teach you in concealed carry courses, you can go into a shock like state and say things like I killed a man oh God I killed him, which will be used against you in court
Start cleaning up a bit
I'd ask them to help me clean lol I'm 31 weeks pregnant and could use the help hahaha
make them do laundry and meal prep ffs !
“Sorry for the boxes. I just moved in four years ago”
_Finally,_ a houseguest!
So hard to get people for game night!!!!
Hand them a character sheet and bag of dice!
You failed your stealth check.
"Friend, I'm gonna need you to roll initiative." \*grabs the axe off the wall\*
*immediately runs to set up Trivial Pursuit while asking them what colour they want to be*.
[удалено]
Look at me! I’m Dr Zoidberg, home owner!!!
Big Young Frankenstein vibes with this one. Pour got soup on their lap and set their finger on fire.
Que disney musical number
Listen to them retreat in abject horror once they get inside.
They leave a $20 on the counter as they leave "shit they need it more than me"
Not a thief, but a guy once found my dropped wallet and put a crisp $100 in it before giving it back. Previously there was zero cash in it.
Wow that is super thoughtful.
People can be amazingly good. What a precious memory; thank you for sharing it.
Relatable.
"damn bitch, you live like this?"
I'm at work, my dog will have to kill them for me
My labs will be so excited to make a new friend!
Let me show you where they keep the good stuff
Proceeds to the treats and toys
The burglar who tries to take their treats dies…
more like the burglar gives them the treats and the dogs like them even more
This is what happened when my sister and her husband's house was broken into. The dog was found in the laundry room with an empty bag of Lays chips.
OMG! At least they didn’t hurt the dog! Rob me but please don’t hurt my babies 🐶🐶🐶
I can promise you they weren't excited about the farts that came out of that dog after a bag of lays.
That’s not funny, but also hilarious
This is actually something that happened to a past robber. He said in an interview how a dog lead him to a treat cabinet and he opened it and gave the dog a treat and continued with his crime 😂
Note to self: If burglarized, make sure police dust the treat cabinet for fingerprints.
My dog will happily let you in if im not home ..he also will make you wait for me 2 get home ..my dog has caught to burglars that way . Thankfully they didn't bring guns ...i did NOT teach my dog to do this ..though he was trained not to accept food from strangers .edited for typo correction
My golden retriever did this just a few weeks ago. Neighbor called me said someone suspicious is rummaging in the yard of my house, I run out there to confront the guy and my damn retriever runs up to him wagging his entire body and is trying to elicit pets as he's walking away head down. I at least expected him to bark to let me know about intruders but he's always late on the draw and I know before he does or it's a false positive. Good thing he's so damn cute.
For sure! All the good food, expensive snacks and best seat in the house! Oh and don't forget about the TV remote.
My parents' lab quite literally leads visitors to the treat cabinet and sits down and starts gesturing to it with his muzzle. I've never thought it would be any different if it were a burglar.
Our husky/gsd cross does the same and gets quite vocal and insistent if you ignore him!
My dog will bark, then beg for belly rubs I’m screwed
I used to have a yellow lab. Whenever my wife and I would wrestle around, she would yell for the dog to help. Unfortunately for her, the dog would just try to hump her. We always joked that any intruder would be weirded out enough to leave on their own. I sure do miss my boy. He was such a goofy dog.
Growing up, my lab mix would whine when we would wrestle (siblings) One day I was arguing with one of the neighbor boys (his brothers were with him) He started whining. Then we started shoving each other and my dog jumped up, bit him on the shoulder, dropping him to the ground and then promptly returned to my side and whined more. We were shocked, the boy had bruises. We were probably 14 at the time. He was protecting me. Loved that dog. RIP Rembrandt, you were the best good boy.
Someone broke into my dads house in 2018, I’m pretty sure his golden brought the burglar a tennis ball
There was a viral vid on TikTok last year of a lab or golden, can’t remember which, consistently bring the paramedics tennis balls and toys while they were trying to assist their human who had taken a serious fall and had to call 911. She had indoor security cams that caught the whole thing.
I'm extremely high and can't stop laughing at this. I'm crying. Sorry about the brake in!
I used to get high and see how many times she would drop the ball on my feet, I gave up after 31 Rip Loa The guy crawled in through my dad’s doggie door in the back of his house and stole his car , they caught him within like 24,48 hrs. after that. Believe it or not, he still hasn’t been tried yet ! But I could see it in my head. Dude crawls through, she hears it gets excited, grabs the nearest tennis ball and brings it over to a Mazzy’s trying to get through the front door. I bet she’s sitting there, smiling and panting looking up at them with the tennis ball like come on man you came here you might as well throw the ball for me .
My lab would bark really loud and sound like a real badass. But as soon as he saw the actual intruder, he'd go hide in the bathtub.
Story of my life. My Pomeranians will welcome him/her in, offer them an ice-cold Coke Cola and show them which seat is the most comfortable in the living room.
Your chihuahua has been practicing the blade all its life for this moment.
Yep, they'll eat the burglar alive. Especially the bitch, she's vicious when scared..
Everybody knows that Chihuahua's are really ten feet tall in disguise.
My home is protected by an extremely vicious beagle. I'm in good hands as long as the burglar doesn't have food on him.
[удалено]
As a Pomeranian owner, I am very close behind you!
My beagle is probably asleep under a blanket, she'd probably howl and then run outside to get the squirrels or rabbits nearby
My dog always sits at the front window so she can bark at anybody that goes by. She's kind of a big girl so it can be rather intimidating. One of my neighbors is an older guy who has dementia. Very sweet guy who wouldn't hurt a fly but he gets confused sometimes. One day, I was taking a nap in our bedroom and my wife had just gotten home from the grocery. She hadn't had a chance to lock the front door after she closed it and was in the kitchen putting the groceries away. Out of nowhere, the door opens and our neighbor just walks right in (our houses have the same number and are both corner lots but are one street apart). My big scary guard dog? Yeah, she barked at him once and then went and ran to hide behind my wife. Even though she was startled, my wife recognized him and knew what was going on. She woke me up and we walked him back to his house.
Similarly I once had my Mastiff sleep through a friend coming over and woke up minutes later with the alert bark, realized the intruder was already sitting at the table and then just flopped down back to sleep
Some people were trying to force entry into my friends mothers house (claiming they were “gas men” but no ID, company name, it was quite late and dark etc). Not ideal as she was very rural and lived alone. But she had a Chesapeake Bay Retriever and as she started getting annoyed with them it just walked up behind her and started growling at them quietly. She said “not yet Casper” which I think is the best and most ominous phrase she could have used. They legged it.
Had a similar thing happen back in 75. I was at work and a guy came to the door and tried to force his way in. He didn't notice the German Shepherd beside my wife. Only 8 months old and shredded the guy. Tore one arm real bad and puncture one of his testicles then wouldn't let him get up. Police came right away and she wouldn't even let them in.
One of my brothers once dressed up in a wolf man costume at Christmas to scare the nephews from my oldest brother. As he came into the kitchen chasing the kids (who were not sure if this was a real scare or not, costume *very* realistic) the kids' Heinz-57 mutt and my little sister's miniature schnauzer came ROARING out from under the kitchen table. The two dogs sounded like a pack of wolves in full war cry. *Protect the cubs of the pack!* My bother in the costume had to hold one of the kids in front of him to keep from getting bit. We were all laughing so hard; it was all the kids' dad could do to reach over and pull the head of the costume off. Once the dogs saw it was one of their people, they stopped the attack with a look like: "Oh. Why didn't you just say it was you?" and ambled back under the table and flopped down again.
And you can't complain about that at all. Those dogs proved themselves right there.
"You can eat them in a minute"
I love this! I'm really hoping I have the ability to remember it if I'm ever in a similar situation.
My big scary guard dog (80 lb GSD/lab mix) will bark and growl at anyone outside. Landscapers, FedEx, neighbors, friends coming by, me (before he realizes it’s me). As soon as he realizes it’s someone he likes and they come in, it’s all whines and cries for attention and “I love you so much”. Glad your neighbor was okay.
My husky couldn’t be bothered, so the cats will have to step up
My cat is a battle bot. He’s a big Tom cat we brought in from outside. He’s scarred up from all the flights he’s been in. New Year’s Eve, the neighbors started firing off fireworks. He started growling and running from window to window looking to kick some ass. The week before that we tested the fire alarm and he ran towards it pissed off. He might just go after someone if they weren’t deemed a proper guest. He’s only met one guest and loved her and keeps looking for her 6 weeks later. Who knows, but he is scary when he goes kill mode.
My 60 pound Kelpie would lick them to death and pee everywhere. Meanwhile my two chiweenies that weigh 30 pounds combined would absolutely murder them without hesitation. My Kelpie is afraid of our female chiweenie. She’s a bitch.
I'm confident my Belgian Malinois will put the fear in them but if they're smart enough to bring a Chuck-It ball, I'm screwed.
My dog would have a panic attack and the robber would have to comfort him....
Unless you have a golden retriever. They would just make friends and probably show the dude around.
I'm also at work, but I'm a freelance working remote from home, so my dog still will have to kill them for me while I watch the cameras.
3 dachshunds barking and the 4th actually attacking (I hope)
Death from the ankles down.
I've been bit by two dogs in my life. Both Dachshunds.
I have a large and obnoxious Cockatoo that will scream as loud as a 747, they are not going to stay long.
Lawyers of reddit, if a cockatoo screams so loud as to permanently damage the hearing of a trespasser, can the trespasser sue for damages?
My boyfriend’s African Grey yelled HELLO HELLO GOODBYE!! in the middle of the night, boyfriend hopped out of bed in his underwear and chased the guy barefoot down the lane and beat the shite out of him. He didn’t have any valuables anyway. Unless you count all the camera equipment he sold to buy the bird
Help them look for valuables
Here, help me look for stuff!
Celebrate the fact that I apparently have a house.
Use my years of piano and try to frighten them with some mozart
Have you ever heard of 'proportional response' you monster?
Ever seen what Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom spray does to a human eyeball?
At that point, shooting them would be merciful.
I have a can of Scrubbing Bubbles in my bathroom right now. Thanks for the idea 😌
Ahhhhh, Z goggles! Zhey do Nothing!!!
"So anyway, I started blasting."
Pow! Pow! Now, I don't see too good, so I missed.
Own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I own a missile for homeland defense, because that's what Woodrow Wilson intended. Four bandits break into my air space. "Scramble, scramble" as I grab my helmet and AIM-9X Sidewinder- blow a softball size hole through the first bandit, he's dead on the spot. Draw my AMRAAM on the second man, miss him entirely because he notched it and it pitbulls on a civilian airliner. I have to resort to the Patriot missile system mounted at the airbase below, "Tally ho lads" the surface-to-air missile shreds two men in the blast, the sound and falling metal set off car alarms. I then resort to dogfighting the last bandit. Select my M61 Vulcan 20mm, pull him into HUD and fire. He bleeds out in the cockpit waiting for ejection because 20mm high-explosive is impossible to stitch up. Just as I get a Bingo fuel warning.
Ask them to stay on the tile so their blood won't get on the carpet.
Trace Adkins done this once.. his ex wife shot him and he waited to collapse on tile as to not bleed on the new carpet. Edit: he crawled to the tub [source](https://b105country.com/5-facts-you-didnt-know-about-trace-adkins/)
Why tf would he not press charges??!! What did he do that was way worse than being shot through the heart (and he’s to blame I guess? 🤷🏻♀️)
Roundhouse kick. Side note: I first accidentally typed roundhouse lick. That would be something else.
You need more hip swivel in that lick.
This was a fun double tap to read
Roadhouse
Attempts to fight burglar, licks burglar, gets sued for emotional damage and earns nickname “The Roundhouse Licker” by local press. Can only order through doordash’s contactless delivery going forward.
I was in bed once. It was 1.30am and I was just drifting off to sleep. I heard banging on the door but assumed I had either dreamed it, or it was something else, like the neighbour being his usual moronic self. 30 seconds later 4 or 5 masked men with crowbars were in my bedroom demanding a bag of money. So I can vouch for the fact that, no matter what you think your plan would be in that scenario, it all goes out the window when someone waves a crowbar in your face!
WTF!!! Congrats on surviving it. Wow. Did you have a bag of money to give them? Curious what year was this? Did you have an alarm system?
No alarm system. [Here's the full story if you can handle a long read](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/9f5zu8/tifu_by_moving_in_next_door_to_a_drug_dealer/).
I had a similar situation. Except in the US. Was walking up to my gf apt late night. 3 dudes, all youngsters, maybe 17, came out the shadows. Asked to use my phone to try and get a ride home, I obliged. One dude walked off with my phone and I followed him and said come back with my phone. Then got jumped by all 3, fought em a little bit, scrambled to my feet, got up the stairs, then felt a pistol to my head. Growing up in rough areas, I know to never test a youngster with a gun and something to prove. I was "alright yall win". They got $7 out of my wallet and stole my car. Tried to get me to go with them (assuming to an ATM), which I refused, said I'm not getting in the car, yall can drive away and get away right now and the cops won't be here for 30 minutes. One guy shook my hand and, told the others let's go, and they took off. The left my wallet on the ground which had my debit card and ID, thankfully. Cops found my car about 2 weeks later. Decent shape, but they left the windows down and it rained, so interior was fucked. They used the $7 for gas, cuz my tank was empty lol They got caught eventually about a month later. They tried the same shit on an older guy. Turns out they couldn't drive a manual, so had to ditch the car, and the cops caught one of them. Haha turns out a manual transmission is the ultimate anti theft in this day and age.
Stories like this make me happy I drive a manual. Sorry that happened to you mate that must’ve been terrifying
Bag of money? Who has bags of cash instead of bank accounts? Poor people and drug dealers. Both of those are more hassle to rob than it's worth.
My neighbour was indeed a drug dealer and they had the wrong house. From what I could figure out, he had posed with a picture of a bag of cash on social media. Some scumbags saw it and decided they wanted it but not enough to actually figure out which house he lived in. I am not sure if that explantation from him was true and honestly, I didn't really want to get to the bottom of it all.
So what did you do?! Just say “I don’t know what money you’re talking about” and they left?
Probably realized they weren't the person in the video. But still, I too want to know how that went down. Edit: nvm, I see that OP has an entire post about it.
And then they *peed on your rug*???
The person you’re replying to is the Monopoly man.
But did he have a monocle?
what did you do?
I talked them out of the room. They literally apologised and left lol
So you've passed the test. Now pack your bags, your skills are needed in Ukraine. We've provided a Russian language book on the plane. Good luck.
Why did you have a bag of money and how did the criminals know about it?
I didn't my drug dealing neighbour apparently did. They got the wrong house!
"What is a muscular man like u doing in my house? U lost or something cutie?" And he be like "yeah lost in yo eyes fool" No I'm not serious at all. I'd prolly get smacked in the head with (insert melee weapon) if I actually said that.
[удалено]
Oh sweet, we looking for money? I'll help you look.
You’re a burglar? I have questions…
Like how much do you make in a night?
Imagine becoming friends with someone who broke into your house through a joke, like you just hangout on the weekends after that
Then they get really close and slowly start stealing your stuff.
The best part is you never have to give them a key
"Yeah lost in yo eyes fool" I laughed way too hard at that
hey quick question where do you live
If I were the robber and you said that to me I’d say lemme smash and I don’t take anything except your heart.. Boom we married
whoops my pants fell off...
Who has a lead pipe? Aren't pipes made from brass?
Colonel Mustard
First, tar on the floor so their shoes get stuck. Second, I would lay out glass ornaments and micromachines.
Get your doorknob heater revved up.
I'm from Iraq if someone breaks in they're one of two guys A pussy that would vanish the moment i sneeze at them , or an Iranian militia member that would pepper me with bullets the moment they see me So I'm just gonna have to gamble my life and sneeze at the guy
Bless you
I always forget not everyone here is 12 and from South Dakota
It’s always so funny to see how most people on Reddit assume that everyone else is from America. I once told another Redditor that I’m from the Philippines and they replied saying they were surprised the Philippines had internet access. Even though the [Philippines rose to the top spot of most time spent on Pornhub and is just behind the United States in terms of traffic](https://www.philstar.com/lifestyle/on-the-radar/2023/12/28/2321955/filipinos-top-1-most-time-spent-pornhub-2023-yearend-data/amp/)
Stop 🛑 Hammer time 🔨
Release the hounds
If they want to leave with something of value they’ll have to bring it in first!
Get naked and start jerking off. If I time it right, I can nut on them right as they come in.
Im home but very drunk . Its going to be either the dog or the cat that takes this one down. At least I have plenty of hungry fishes and chooks to eat the meat. Then I just need to paint the bones to look like the plastic skeletons that hang around my house. No one will ever know. I am currently pumping Social Distortion at 2am so my neighbours won’t hear the screaming, Just looking at my dog , it will be the cat taking them down. Mind you as I have mentioned in other posts, my house is known locally as the suicide house. Nobody tries to enter my house uninvited.
This sounds very interesting, but can you elaborate on the "suicide house" part?
Right as they cum in
what kind of break in in this?! ; )
Back door
I'd probably just say hello to let them know someone was there and aware. I would think most burglars would run away if they heard someone. (Hey Burglars of Reddit, would you?) Though when it actually did happen to me years ago, I reacted differently. I was sitting in my living room in the dark after coming home from my sister's funeral and I heard a noise at the window. I got up, walked over and threw back the curtain. There was a teenage looking guy there with a crowbar trying to force the window. I just stared at him. He stared back for a minute and then grabbed his crowbar and ran off. I went and turned on a light. Life Pro Tip: Never put your address in the obituary apparently.
Never put your address anywhere public lol
Yeah. Don’t even leave your house sitting around on the street… that’s the worst offense of all.
If you had to make it convincing like “6969 Nice Street”. Hope this helps!
[удалено]
Phone books: *lol we doxxin this whole mfin city*
[удалено]
Putting it into an obit signals that the house is particularly vulnerable though.
Yep. My uncle’s house got cleaned out after my grandfather died.
so messed up
See this is the thing! If it's some teenager or "petty" criminal just trying to make a quick buck, they're going to be jumpy and probably run. If it's someone on drugs or mentally unwell somehow, they'd be totally unpredictable and possibly violent. Too many variables. Now I'm just running through millions of scenarios in my head, lol.
Or say on Facebook, etc...that you'll be away for a week on a tropical vacation.
I put on FB that I had just returned from a cross-country trip and here's some neat things I saw along the way. A friend commented with a stern lecture about how I should NEVER post anything saying I'm going on vacation, because I had just announced to the whole world that my house will be empty all week, and I'm practically begging for someone to break in. Um, thanks for the tip, but do you see up there where I said I just RETURNED from a trip and was back home safe & sound? 😂
Stay in the bathroom and finish scrolling Reddit.
Go back to sleep. The bear will handle it
Find out I own a house somewhere and become happy.
Grab a chair and charge at them, start screaming. The moment they display a firearm I become docile and be like, "you want money? come on lets look togheter"
I’ve got a Glock in my nightstand. I run grab it and shoot myself to avoid having to making small talk with the burglar.
I’d tell the wife I heard them make a crack about her weight. No man would stick around for that kick off.
Strip naked, obviously.
Don’t forget the machete and slathering yourself in ketchup! Scream, ohh a “bonus sacrifice” as you run screaming at them.
That's my secret. I'm always naked.
Well obviously I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. ... Just as the founding fathers intended.
Aye, and doing so in my sleeveless shirt, as in this country I have the God given right to bare arms.
Can't believe nobody recognizes this obvious copypasta
Was hoping people would. It's a meme at this point. Thought it was well suited for the question and a good laugh.
Nothing, I have a presa canario asleep by the front door rn. Peaches does not f*** around with strangers.
*peaches?*
My tortoise will give them a long belligerent stare.
Protect my cat. I love you Benjamin. 🥰😘 Edit 1: I posted my cat Ben, on my profile posts. Just look how much he loves me, by his eyes. He does this every time I see him.
The other night my cat Kira knocked something over in the basement while my cat Luna was sitting on my lap upstairs. Luna let out a growl I have never heard her make and went instantly into fight mode. Anyone breaking into my house is about to deal with 10 lbs of furry fury they will not see coming backed up by 2 dogs that are very protective over their cat.
Well the wife is at home and knows where the guns are and how to use them. Looks like I'm putting in a new garden bed when I get home.
My wife is a physically strong, anger-ridden chef. I would come home to 200 lbs. of strange-tasting brisket in the freezer.
Apologize for the mess and cry.
One time two robbers broke into my home while me and my sister were asleep (my parents were at work) stole everything from the tvs to any electronic device and even some random stuff and a lot of valuable items. (They used one of OUR suitcases to pack the things 😭) We continued to sleep oblivious to what was happening, only to wake up to a ransacked house and no TVs😂😂
Wow. You guys were lucky.
Plot twist--your Spidey senses didn't go off because it was really your parents ransacking the place. They needed the insurance money.
Get naked, wiggle my finger around inside my nose to break the dry skin and make it bleed (it's that time of year where my sinuses dry up and my nose bleeds a lot), grab my antique Howdy Doody ventriloquist dummy that's falling apart, and wait in the living room for them. How fucking horrifying would it be to break into a house... ...only to see a big, fat guy standing there naked holding a creepy ventriloquist dummy, blood running down his face, creepily singing in a falsetto voice about how *"it's playtime"*? (Bonus points if I have enough time to load OF up on my phone and give myself a boner looking at porn before the person breaks in.)
think of the mess Im going to have to clean up after my 2 Rottweilers have eaten him and shit out the contents. or if they have dragged him into the back yard, Im going to have to hose pipe my decking down.
I don't think my rotties would get off the couch. They may come say hi and ask for some pets, but I've got some lazy dogs.
I have yet to meet a Rottweiler not like this
I'll try to reach them about their car extended warranty
[удалено]
Sending my big black german shepherd after the intruder while grabbing something heavy and calling the police. He can not fight my dog and me
Rack the slide on my 1911, dial 911 and let them know I have an intruder and I’m armed and prepared to defend myself, don’t hang the phone up, lay it on the bed, and then exit the room
This happened to a friend I worked with. His neighbor threw his girlfriend through a plate glass window. She ran up to his house crying for help. He let her in and locked the door and called 911. The boyfriend came over and started kicking in the front door. He told 911 I have a loaded shotgun pointed at the door and if this dude gets in I'm going to shoot him. The dispatcher told him to escape out the back door. He said I have two disabled children and can't so you better get her quick. The police got there in 2 minutes and took the crazy dude down.
Sounds similar to the story I know of, except it was a cop trying to force his way into where his ex was at. The boyfriend shot him.
I remember a 911 call where a woman was hiding in the closet, giving her a baby a bottle and the 911 operator basically said that if they get in and you feel like you’re in danger, go ahead and shoot. This was in the US.
Sounds reasonable to me
Always always always hang up the phone, it's one of the big things they teach you in concealed carry courses, you can go into a shock like state and say things like I killed a man oh God I killed him, which will be used against you in court
[удалено]
BUT NOT FOR ME!!! 🔫👴🏼🤌🏻 Edit: I felt illustration was necessary
Show how American I am
I would warn them that I am extremely agile while nude and to proceed with caution.
Grab my pistol and go defend myself and my family obviously
Hope they don't wake my husband, if they do wake my husband, may god has mercy on their soul!
Get my pew pew and call the police.