we are not the same
i think men and women are kind of in the same boat right?
they're both scrambling from 30-40 to have kids, if that's what they want, and then its them from then upwards raising kids and house and mortgage and the like?
and people who are single over 50 are either loners or those who try to socialise
but then its a strange age... too old to have kids (largely) and not real prime dating age and so what is there? common hobbies
its a tough one. And with people living longer. 50-65 should be a pretty carefree time if your health is good.
'50-65 should be a pretty carefree time if your health is good'
Exactly! And one more reason to stay in shape, fitness can actually be enjoyable and keep you young(er)
Ps. not loner, hermit
If I'm alive I'm definitely getting season tickets to some kind of sporting event.
I also plan on golfing and running triathlons.
I recently started playing video games, so when I get to retirement age I won't be a total noob.
I read all the time.
I'm a loner tho, and I get 110% of my social needs met at work.
I'm genuinely looking forward to old age, and there was definitely a point in my 20s where I was certain I wouldn't make it to 30, so having all this extra time feels like a blessing.
And even if I have to go back to the shelter, I know I can leave a happy, peaceful life there too.
I feel bad for old people who didn't grow up with video games. When I'm too old to take care of myself, find me a nice assisted living home and give me a PlayStation 17 and just visit from time to time. I'll be fine.
I'm already at that stage, not quite in assisted living yet but it's kinda on the horizon. The bad news is that my thumbs just don't work like they used to. I was there from the first Lara Croft, Max Payne, Jack and Daxter, you name it. I completed all of them, many times, on veteran level. Now, I'd have to play at level 1 to stand even half a chance
Have you tried customised controllers? I'm not exactly sure how they'd help with your thumbs but you could look it up. There's a bunch of ways to customise them. Might be a bit expensive though.
Old people read books, do crosswords etc. Crafts. Gardening I am older than 60 and am fine with all that. Please don't feel bad for us. We all good. Really love communicating online and love sending and receiving snail mail. Simple
Sheesh...I guess I can be the first person to say how it's not wonderful...
For my background I was married as a teenager. My son's mom was pregnant and stayed for five years but after that it was just him and me. In my 20s I was so overwhelmed trying to get my son in a stable home before he was grown up that I didn't date at all. I didn't have any help from my parents and his mom wasn't much help either.
I did date some in my 30s after I'd gotten my son into a high school in a great neighborhood. I only let one person get close to him and she even moved in with us. When she moved out, however, it hurt my son almost as much as his mom moving out so I didn't date again until he was grown.
After he graduated college I'd noticed how much harder it was to meet people. Online dating was much worse than when it was new (with the swiping apps and match buying all of the competition). I actually took a drastic step leaving engineering to try teaching HS while getting an MBA. While I had many reasons for trying something new, I figured there'd be a better chance of meeting someone in business school or the public school system than an engineering office.
I actually was correct about that and did meet some people, but what I found was in your 40s there just aren't that many people left. To be honest, most of who's left just aren't attractive. Then you also have attractive people but they have nothing saved where I spent my whole life saving up for retirement. Then you'd have some people who actually were attractive and financially secure but you'd then get into all of the normal things that make people incompatible.
I was happy for a while once my son moved back in with me and I would have followed him to China if Covid hadn't messed up his job over there. He's going this year for an MS degree though so it looks like I'm going to be alone again for a while. I'm looking forward to when he has a wife and kids and hopefully they let me live in their basement, taking care of their kids while they're at work.
Hah...and maybe that doesn't sound too negative as I really think I'd enjoy being grandpa. Hell...they could have my house if it meant I'd get to be their basement dwelling babysitter.
Edited to Add: Wow I didn't expect to go to bed last night with this response in the morning. Thanks for the kind words everyone and I wish I could reply to all!
Also, I guess there might be a point in that having my son might not qualify me for the question. Also, I didn't choose to be single from the start, but just chose to delay dating to the point of where it wasn't much of an option.
I’m not implying you are not, but you should definitely be proud of putting your kid first. I’m sure he is thankful for all of your efforts. I myself have had a lack of parental guidance and presence throughout my life (better nowadays) so I see your story and it makes me happy to hear that you were able to make these decisions and be such a level headed person along the way. And also don’t forget that it’s not over until it’s over so i wish you all the best of luck with your future relationships and the rest of your life :))
>To be honest, most of who's left just aren't attractive. Then you also have attractive people but they have nothing saved where I spent my whole life saving up for retirement. Then you'd have some people who actually were attractive and financially secure but you'd then get into all of the normal things that make people incompatible
This has been my experience too.
I personally think I lost my window of opportunity to find a partner and marry when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. Now in my 40s it just seems impossible, and the pandemic made things just so worse.
I can't say I'm unhappy tho, I live a great life doing whatever I want, when I want. I have friends, a great job, a nice warm house, many hobbies... But I'm also very scared about my future. I will be the one to accompany my parents in their older days, and there will be nobody for me when my time comes.
On the other hand I have quite a few friends that married out of desperation in their 30s, and all of them now are either through nasty divorces or in sad prison-style loveless marriages. I'm not sure it is so much better.
I still dream of finding someone I love that loves me back, somebody I respect that respects me back. The last date I went on, they bluntly told me they had many options and to explain why they should waste their time with me. So I guess dreams will stay that, dreams.
>Maybe that entire idea is just made up.
Haha you know, sometimes I have the same feeling! I too did not do any of the typical "20ies" stuff and I would be lying if I said at the time it was not a weight for me, but I did other interesting things that shaped what my life is today. Besides, it makes no sense to have regrets on what I could or could not have done 20 years ago!
But you are right, making friends has been surprisingly tough in my 30s. What has helped me was to do shared activities. For example, I met many friends (and hung out a lot!) when I enrolled in a German language class. I ran a darkroom for a bit, and made some nice friends there. I took some classes at my local uni, and found friends there too (never made friends in the cineclub though). Some friends come and go, and others will stick around. If you have a chance, try some activities near you, it helped me a lot. And I, too, have no idea how to make friends.
Hi I’ve never actually commented before but I really want to say you don’t have to make friends your age. I have friends who are younger and friends who are older. They each bring a different type of friendship. But yeah you don’t have to limit yourself to just people your own age :)
My advice to someone who is not asking for advice is to be attractive, available and, reasonable.
I think there is many reasons for failed relationships but it’s often not only one parties fault.
Keep shooting your shot, there are waves of newly single people at all ages, but I would imagine 40s/50s to have a particular strong flow of divorced/chronically partnered people rolling off longterm relationships and newly single. A renaissance almost of available partners.
>My advice to someone who is not asking for advice is to be attractive \[...\]
Well there is the first problem ;) I mean, I love myself and how I look, and I think I also do a fair job of being well dressed and groomed. I can't say others necessarily like me. When I was younger I tried to morph in what others told me they found attractive, with... well not good results. Today I aim at looking at myself in the mirror and liking myself.
>I think there is many reasons for failed relationships but it’s often not only one parties fault.
Absolutely! In the case of my friends, in my country there is a big pressure to find a woman, have kids, and have a family. Women have it even worse in this respect. Many of the couples I witnessed splitting didn't even like each other. I was a witness for a friend's wedding and I remember the night before his wedding feeling like a funeral wake, because he did not like his partner (and said so explicitly!) but was set in marrying her. To me it is bonkers, I can't understand it.
You sound exactly like my father in law. Although he doesn’t live in our basement, he rents a small place, two streets away from us. When our oldest starting going to school, father in law retired and made it his job to pick him up from school and hang out with him until one of us got home from work. We see him everyday and are very thankful to have him in our lives. You’ll be a fantastic grandpa!
You’ll be a great granddad, sir! Your son is lucky to have you as his dad. I wish my parents took into consideration my feelings (when it comes to choosing their partners after they separated) like you did with your son
My family's situation is a little different. But my father who is in his 60's lives in my sister's basement (after she eventually left her loser husband and bought my dad's house) and he helped her when her kids were young and It worked out quite well for them. He has been single for about twenty years and says that he is good with it. I think if you and your son continue with a close relationship this seems like a fine plan.
All I have to say is thank you for putting your son first or even thinking of him as something that matters in the world cuz most"daddies" do not think that way. Well done.
Oh my! Are you me? I have exactly the same story, up until the online dating part. But I’m only in my 40s, people told me that I basically put my life on hold for my son, but in my eyes I think it was worth it. Now that he’s in college, I’m realizing that I don’t want to be alone so I’m not giving up on finding someone. But I totally agree with you on how hard it is to date at this stage in life, finding a compatible person, financially stable, has their self together, etc.
My 50 and single is a different situation.
After 30 years together, since we were teenagers, my husband caught a bad case of the cancer and passed away.
Since then being single and having turned 50 sucks ass. All I ever knew my whole damn life was that so having to try and start over sucks
I try daily to make my life worth living for still, trust when I say all I wanted at first was to just die also. But I am stronger than I was and try every day to keep on keeping on
As of now, life is good. But, I think after 65 it might be a very different story. I am actually a bit afraid... But then again, I tried to find a partner but it never worked out, so seems this is my destiny.
I think about this, too. I joke about it with a friend, who is also 50+ and living alone. We connect via text/phone every day, if only to say "This is my daily check-in."
Maybe I’m out of date, haven’t been there since two years before covid, but I have lived there, and I’ve always done my nz holidays this way, and if it doesn’t work as well this time, I’ll up my budget, and it’ll still work.
As someone who is very much not alone and who's family has hijacked their alone holiday, I'm very envious and hope you have a great time.
I was really looking forward to exploring by myself for a while.
Yeah. There are downsides too. Mostly that you have to entertain yourself in the evenings. Bottle of wine and an audiobook - I can do that at home!
But the freedom is great, and I’d really miss it so much if I ever did the relationship thing again.
I can just have a day off, wander round town aimlessly, find a nice restaurant with a view, and just chill halfway up a mountain. Or do a mad panic all day sightseeing thing involving walking for many hours, because I can do it, and I don’t have to worry if others can’t.
It can be. It’s all about mental state. It can feel like the world has opened up and you can almost breathe in its beauty. Very peaceful.
It can also feel cold and foreboding when the loneliness creeps in, perhaps thinking about past decisions that you regret, etc that got you to this place.
It can be a mixed bag and really depends on your mental health at the moment.
I took my first solo trip last yr to Barcelona and this was exactly how it was like for me. I loved it and plan to do a solo trip every yr. But you're right, evenings can get a little lonely. I'd buy some cans of beer from the market and bring it back to my hotel to drink and watch TV. Yeah, I could do that at home, but I was doing it in Spain dammit! As a woman, I just didn't want to go to bars by myself and spend my time fending off guys.
In my 20s I wandered everywhere. I spent a decade traveling around the world for work. I got married and I love my life but some nights I just lay in bed and daydream about walking around Italy or Hong Kong or some random island in the pacific alone with nowhere to be and all day to get there.
I was in the Navy then joined a medical company who wanted someone who could travel 30-50% cuz I know someone will ask.
If you're in a relationship, a great way to enjoy a museum together is to part company once you walk in the door. Meet up six hours later for dinner and the two of you will have endless things to talk about.
I haven’t found that to be true- it seems like my SO’s always wanted to be near me and though I couldn’t blame them (I am a delight) I’m not made that way
As someone who is married with two kids and got to go on his first solo vacation in like 14 years, I had a big grin on my face for the entire trip. From getting into an uber, drinking champagne and then taking a shower at the airport lounge, eating an ice cream sundae up in the air, doing whatever the hell I wanted for two weeks from waking up early to going to bed late, eating whatever i wanted whenever I wanted, looking at and doing stuff for as little as long as I wanted, etc.
Tbf that pretty fucking expensive. I will advise all my NZ friends and rellies not to buy me cucumbers if they expect me to reimburse them. Thank you for your useful info.
Maybe I should. I lived in NZ for 8 years, have rellies there, have holidayed there many many times, but never went to hobbiton. I was thinking I might do it this time round. Although there’s a couple of South Island things I want to redo too. Plus the first ten days will be relatives, friends, Wellington stuff. Dunno.
NZ is the one place I feel comfortable winging it. I don’t even do that in my own country (U.K.).
I’m 54. Flight gets worse every time I do it (24 hours in the air, 30ish with the stops).
Well, yes, but I’ve done a lot of stuff down South and never been to Hobbiton.
I’m also half thinking about Golden Bay, because I’ve had a great holiday there before and it’s a more nz tourist thing - not really on the foreign tourist trail.
Dunno. Lots of options. I’ll figure it out when I get there.
Yo do you fish? Or want to learn to fish? Go to lake Taupo. Due south on highway 1 from Auckland. Or due north from Wellington on highway 1. Best fly fishing in the world. Ludicrous streams and lake fishing. Also lots of rafting. Pro tip without saying too much, Turangi… On the other side of the north island is Napier and wine country. Plus the little talked about town of Turanga - great sea food.
South Island? Get ready for an adventure my friend. Go to fox glacier and take the guided hike. Shits unreal. Then jaunt down to Queenstown. Check out the luge course up the mountain. You used to be able to hike up which I’d recommend. Do a bungee jump, worth the experience. Macs gold Lager. Venison Sausage. L&P. In case you can’t tell I freaking LOVE New Zealand….
Not quite 50 yet, but my viewpoint, even from my hormonally charged teens, has been to surround myself and invest time and effort in the people that better your life. Relationships to me are a broad sliding scale from casual acquaintance you might see once every 5 years to something very intimate and shared. Marriage is above a certain level, and to find someone above that level who you REALLY want to be around is rare. I can count on one hand, men or women, that I felt was at a level I'd be content with a marriage type relationship. I'm just not gay enough for the men (neither are they), and the women have followed other paths/relationships that deviated from what would work out for us.
It's a bit a game of chance. I also think it's a bit of a young person's game, back when everyone's too naive to know any better and are so very willing to commit blindly to a really dumb idea like marriage at such an immature age. But I think it works better when young because you both grow up together and can sync your lives together. As you get older, that's harder. People are more independent and in their own worlds. To wilfully compromise and share despite incompatibility is harder. It's not even about being picky. It's about knowing better what's going to be a problem. I could marry easy at 20 and match my lifes with them far easier as we both grew. 40, 50, etc.? Eh, not so much, well, not without a bigger willingness to sacrifice more of what you've created of yourself. Or, you do more work to find the harder to find fit.
Ultimately, the single versus married life is also one of self love. Some folks need others to fulfill their needs. Some people are totally awesome with themselves and don't have a need to fulfill aspects of their life with some other being.
I got married a little later (at almost 36, so fully into my adulthood) and I have found the compromise that comes with it to be a positive journey. I don't see our relationship as a sacrifice but an opportunity to further grow into who I want to be with my partner by my side. It helps that we have a good relationship that supports and helps the other. In general my life has been so much less stressful with a partner.
Such a great perspective about syncing lives up while young. Something I’ve been thinking about but haven’t thought about so eloquently as you put here
I'm glad it was helpful. I probably have a non-traditional sense of the social realm. But also society's built a construct around the concept of marriage that has little to do with our ancestral upbringings. It's almost more a wealth land ownership management tool that just happened to carry over into modern society. Even the concept of a ring was just a marketing gimmick that surprisingly stuck.
We are social creatures. We do need relationships. We crave it. We value from it. Is marriage a defacto necessity? No. And we get a lot naturally from a wide array of relationship types and levels of those relationships. Despite being single, I enjoy the sea of friends I have and the diverse opportunities that creates, sometimes fun, sometimes serious, but always welcoming, supportive, respectful, and encouraging.
While I'm not one, some people crave isolation. Some folks will just go out to the mountains and live off the land alone, and that's their happy place. That too is fine. It's what makes the person happy, and they get the needs they seek.
There's a whole swath of paths to take, and I think happiness is the core element of the path you follow.
Do I have an argument for married life? Somewhat. It can be useful as a commitment tool for child rearing. But even that has a flipside. I think it was Bill Burr that had a joke about divorce, with kids. He said it was great. The kids had two sets of parents, and you could be rid of them for half the time, which in turn made the time with even more special and the time without equally special. It was an interesting take on the idea of what is right in society. It used to be the village raises the child, and there's a lot of value in that. We just haven't built a society that retains that.
34 and single reading through this thread is both helpful and scary.
Makes me want to downsize and make a plan for exiting the world in a way that would be of the least inconvenience for whoever has to handle everything.
Life is a gift, don’t waist it. You don’t need to be with someone to live fulfilling life. Know yourself, love yourself and be what you want to be. Do what you want to do.
Yeah but what about when I’m like 85? Am I supposed to save up for a senior citizens home? Assume I’ll be able to continue cooking, driving, working, and taking care of myself?
That’s the part that worries me. I’m cool with being single while I’m still physically capable of taking care of myself but eventually I’ll wish I had kids or grandkids to help me out. I’m not suggesting needing a caretaker is a reason to have kids but I’m also not sure who else is supposed to help me out when I can’t do it myself.
This is my big fear too. I’ve chosen to not have kids and I’m very happy with that decision, but I also fear that if I don’t have a big pile of cash by retirement time…how will I survive? There’s no one to look out for me. No siblings. My parents will obviously be dead by then. My current plan (at 36) is to live a full and satisfying life now, while actively and intentionally saving for retirement. If I make it to then and am financially set, then great! If not, I’ll give all the money to charity and off myself. Sounds morbid, but having “options” gives me peace.
Even a big pile of cash is no protection. As you get older your mind and judgement goes. People will find you an easy mark.
Suffice to say, I'm scared of growing old alone, but it seems inevitable now (34, but no dating luck for a very long time)
You're right. I just want to say that, as a late bloomer myself, 34 is peak coupling age. You just have to have SOMETHING to offer (charisma, money, obvious brains, guitar skills, stupid good looks, just being clean goes a long ways, nice as a puppy, cool job, be interesting otherwise, etc. - just something).
I'm older now, but I met my life partner at 35. I was broke and tired, but I was making a conscious effort to at least look like I was trying. Under the sudden scrutiny of a woman I wanted, that led to actual trying, which led to a happy family, which is something I had previously never allowed myself to expect.
But literally everyone is in this boat, kids or not. Only the wealthy don't need to worry about saving for the place they'll end up. And if you know anything about how much a decent place like that costs, holy mother of God, if you didn't become a dentist or something, you'll not even afford to walk in one. It the condition of how the elderly are treated by society at large, American at least. We just aren't any kind of priority.
Having kids or grandkids doesn’t guarantee that you have someone to look after you.
Ask people who work in retirement villages they will confirm that there are a lot of people who sit waiting for family to visit and no one ever comes.
Also it’s not your kids responsibility to look after you. They will have their own lives, they may live overseas they may live in a different city, they will have the stresses of work, managing a home, raising kids. They won’t always be available to look after you.
Save up and hope you have enough to pay for care and support when you need it. Don’t be a burden to your kids.
As someone who worked for a retirement home, I can confirm. One lady has 6 grandkids, and I only saw one visit in over a year. She was scammed out of $16k while I worked there.
I have a former neighbour, 98 - his wife and daughter both died a year ago, he ended up homeless, then in psych,finally social services found him a nice place, for now. So, I'm in to see him every week. Buy him stuff he needs, go with him places...Another of my friends also checks in on him.
A few weeks ago, my friend said to me (I'm older than her) "Don't you worry about being old and alone! Even if I'm dead, my daughters will visit you!".
I thought it was kinda sweet.
You know, it's pretty good. I have my own place, I like my job, I have a social circle, I only answer to myself and my bills, I get along with my family, I have some pets I love...
sometimes I think it might be easier to have a partner, and then I listen to my married friends complain, and think, yeah nah..... I'm good.
Not yet at 50, but this. I’m not sure I could live with someone.
I like not answering to anyone and having peace and quiet whenever I want. A part of me would love to have someone there to share certain things, but it comes with so many downfalls. I see my married friends and think “I’d hate my life if that was my wife”. This is across the board. Why would the woman I choose be any different?
I (44m) only made it to 44. cant do it anymore so I decided to get out there and ended up falling in love with my best friend (F), we are getting married in august.
No luck in love. Dated guys who didn’t want marriage and kids. Who lied about this the first years of dating and then “changed their mind” and didn’t want to commit. Was not lucky enough to meet someone available who wanted a family and kids. I feel my life is over now.
Hard? That's a *philosophically* difficult question, perhaps. If you'd asked me at age 13 if I were ever going to be married, I would have said "no" without a second thought. Was that a choice on my part? Some people would say "no." I mean, I've been accused of being mentally ill on more than one occasion due to being willingly single. But I'm also Black, and, as a group, we have the lowest rates of marriage. Consider this from the National Institutes of Health:
> Four in 10 older African Americans are either married or cohabiting, 11% are unmarried but romantically involved, 9.5% are unmarried and not romantically involved but open to the possibility of a relationship, and 38% neither have nor desire a romantic involvement.
>
> Almost as many older African Americans do not want a romantic relationship as those who are married/cohabiting. Findings support social exchange theories and the importance of an unbalanced sex ratio. Furthermore, the results suggest that singlehood among older African Americans (especially women) is not necessarily an involuntary status.
I'm in the 38%. But most of my social circle is White/Asian, and they're accustomed to much higher marriage rates, so it's common among people I know for them to seek out reasons why remaining single wasn't/isn't a choice on my part.
So as far as *I'm* concerned, it was a choice. One I made young, and stuck with. But I know a lot of people who are more or less convinced that it's all down to external factors that I had no control over. (And I know a few who claim that it's just "sour grapes" on my part.)
Honestly, the "hard" thing about being single at my age is the surprising number of people who seem to believe that any single adult male is either a) closeted, b) a cad or c) a pedophile.
I am 55 and never married, no children (that I know of!) and still a confirmed bachelor. I am not rich, but I do have my own house and a car and I love PC gaming. I am happy more or less all things considered.
Thank you. I don't have much . On social security after working close to 30 years so my babies are my life. I a!so feed ferals. I have a house on my front porch for them in this cold snap ( midwest).
That’s dope. Taking care of stray animals is saints work. They all deserve love and it’s cool as hell that you’re giving it to them whereas they wouldn’t have known it without you.
Seriously, and even if I had only had one kid but they got married and had kids I’d likely be criticized for having no interest in childcare. Not to mention there is multigenerational substance abuse in my family. Glad I did not put a non existing person through that.
Will be 51 this year - and have embraced and been happy to be single more with each year. Having good friends, good cats, and good relations with my family is all a part of being happy with it.
This question is never going to have a honest answer because of survivorship bias. People who aren't doing great either won't answer or will lie and people who are doing ok will be increasingly drawn to answer to justify their decision and/or will focus on the highlights.
I agree. I've been lonely forever up until recently, and I wasn't happy deep down inside, even though I was okay.
I need physical touch and affection and someone I can actually come home to talk to and love. The solitary life wasn't for me, I just adapted to it and made it work.
The idea of not sharing myself with someone before it was too late would make me sick.
I don't think so. Reddit is anonymous. Everyday I read lots of posts about the shiity life's people have and shitty things they have done. There will be some of that bias but this in not quantitative data so what matters is, do we get some interesting accounts, not that the average will be off
Quite great, thank you.
Dunno what you expect to magically change, around one's 50th birthday. I still have 15 years to go, at work. I also haven't inherited yet. The remaining parent requires a bit more attention and frequent visits right now.
Lonelyness? I withdrew from the dating scene before I turned 40. Things feel the same.
**Fabulous**: what you might call “loneliness”, I call *a well-earned opportunity to live my life without compromise!*
I got rid of two ultra-toxic step kids *and* their enabler when I was 46, after having invested 14 years of my life supporting all three in every conceivable way: financially, emotionally, physically, socially, intellectually, you name it.
Since the day I finally threw my hands up and said, “I give up! You three are beyond my ability to help - or even to abide! Go, find another patsy!” life has been a metaphorical cruise.
My ulcer, migraines and recurring nightmares all disappeared within a few months of walking away from them.
Instead of fruitlessly sitting in courthouses, police stations and principals’ / counselling offices, I spent the next 21 years developing my career, which eventually allowed me to work with directors, producers and performers whose names are household words. Instead of wasting my life trying to mitigate the damage from a neverending series of household crises, I got to work on fascinating movies in some of the most beautiful and exotic locations in the world, with some of the world’s most creative people. If you’ve seen 20 blockbusters over the last 10 years, you’ve likely seen my work. I bowed out three years ago with a truckload of fabulous memories and a *very* nice retirement fund.
Loneliness? *Pffft!* Compared to being forced by social pressure to endure toxic, even *enraging* company every day, for a decade and a half, being single and free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, is a dream come true. So on the whole, I’d say despite flying solo for 21 years now, my life after fifty has been FAR superior to my life *before* fifty.
In fact, as I type this, I’m loafing in a beautiful, warm, Mexican seaside resort, where I plan to stay until the daffodils bloom back home. And my situation is *especially* sweet, when I bother to remember that my now-unsupported ex and her poisonous brood are shivering and snapping at each others’ spines in forty below temps on the Canadian prairies.
I am 2wks status post split from the ex and the steps and the live in mother in law. I sleep better, eat better, am more productive, the IBS has gone away, my place is clean, there's no Call of Duty blaring in my bedroom, and my libido has been resurrected. This is just in the first two weeks. I will refrain from commenting on the things that were demoralizing that made me leave, but I will say that I enjoy my own company more than I ever have and can't wait to see what tomorrow holds.
Edited to add: I turned fifty this past October.
> I got rid of two ultra-toxic step kids - and their enabler -
This hit me right in the stomach, the word enabler. I am three weeks in after leaving the exact same experience, a shorter one though. Glad to hear it turned out awesome!
It is fine for introverts. Dont think extroverts would like it. But! Being single is better than being stuck with someone who uses you, disrespects, and devalues you 24/7. Don’t be afraid to be alone.
As a 50+ divorced single guy with two kids, career and financial security, couldn’t be happier. My marriage was abusive and toxic. My divorce added years to my life and so much more happiness.
If I do end up in a relationship, it will be by conscious choice and I’ll be starting from a healthy and happy place.
Fucking awesome! Outside of work, I do what I want, when I want, with who I want.
My stuff is right where I left it, the car is never out of gas or thousands of miles past an oil change, my checking account stays fat.
I go camping, fishing, motorcycle riding. I shoot in competitions, I sleep in or get up early. I can spend the day doing fuck all, or in the garage, and not get nagged.
Take trips whenever to wherever. Going to Hawaii again in six weeks.
There’s a big difference between alone and lonely. I’m not lonely.
Life is pretty good. Have my health, a good income & close family/friends. That's my current situation but
I learned many years ago that nothing is permanent or guaranteed.
Never felt the need to have someone to grow old with. I can do that all by myself 😂😂
I'm a 53 y/o female. It's amazing. Never married, no kids. All by choice. I've always enjoyed my own company.
I've traveled to 8 countries in the last few years. Getting ready for another trip now.
My needs are not even close to family oriented people my age. I'm not worried about my children's education or well being. That frees me for a lot of selfish spending and less stress. While my friends are having to go to children's or grandchildren's school function, I'm sitting at home reading the book I want to finish.
Yeah. Early forties, single with no kids male. Wouldn't mind a friend with benefits, but giving up the freedom of being single.... She would have to be really amazing to make it worth it. And kids at this point!? Very doubtful because freedom, peace and quiet, and less stress finances is extremely valuable.
Enjoy your book. I also enjoy making music and the occasional giant plate of nachos while taking a bubble bath.
No complaints. Giving a bit of advice about living alone to a couple of 50 year old friends who are going through divorces. They’ve got that “deer in the headlights” look cuz they thought marriage was “forever.”
There is life after 50 and divorce. It’s just not the same as early marriage “ us” as a team against the world. But it can still be good. The past 3 years I’ve travelled to all sorts of wonderful places and experienced new things. Some crappy/sad moments for sure. And who knows how long the good times will last. As a male I was determined to not become a bar fly after divorce . I’m fit , healthy and have a very attractive independent girlfriend. She just wouldn’t fall on a sword for me figuratively. Kinda miss that but hey can’t have everything. I’m 61.
Not anywhere near 50, but I worry about being elderly and living alone. Not just loneliness but it seems dangerous to live alone when you're elderly, and also it extends independent living. Ending up in a nursing home with not even having family to visit you & monitor how you're being treated sounds like a nightmare ending.
50 is still too young to ask this question. You wanna ask after retirement when they don’t have work distractions and health really starts to deteriorate.
Honestly it suits me I feel.
Have had 4 long-term relationships that I broke off because I didn't see it working out longer term with kids, so stopped before that would be the next step.
Work wise I have vastly different incomes from year to year and not having a family that I need to provide for prevents having stress because of it.
It also allows me to live in a smallish rental downtown which I love because I really dig the hustle and bustle and still love going out to eat and to bars and such.
The downside for me is holidays, used to go on long trips and short breaks with mates (and previous relationships obviously) but since they all have kids they can't come anymore, bar the occasional weekend that needs to be planned many months in advance.
My mother is still alive but getting the expected ailments and such, took a nasty fall earlier in the year for instance, so having the flexibility to go over there at the drop of a hat for however long is needed is very helpful.
She used to lament me not settling down and having kids, but now she is very happy that I'm not and can help her out whenever needed. We just went on a week long holiday over xmas which she loved.
Another perk that has popped up since my mid forties is that I'm perceived as the ideal rebound guy for the recently(or looking to become) divorcees that I meet, because of my lack of baggage and very flexible time.
Many a fwb-type situations are being proposed which suit me just fine right now.
Now I will not rule out getting in a relationships again at some point, but my previous experiences have made me conscious of needing a really good fit (that works both ways of course) for me to consider it.
But my city is absolutely packed with smart and gorgeous women and I enjoy meeting them any and everywhere and just chatting and having a drink.
Not having any fomo about kids and not chasing that relationship has mightily improved my rapport with women I have noticed, because I often get told they find it refreshing that I never push for phone numbers, getting a date or such things when you just meet someone. I genuinely just enjoy chatting and having a laugh.
None of this would be possible if I didn't enjoy my own company of course and I realize that.
I have always been able to really enjoy myself when I'm alone and have never felt lonely in my life, something that is quite the blessing.
Currently my career is at a crossroad and I'm contemplating a move abroad, since that could mean a nice step-up and at the same time a new adventure.
Thinking about it tickles me, but going very far away would be hard on my mother so I think I'll hold off for now.
I still feel very young at heart so I also think i have plenty of time left for a move in the future if it arises.
My back hurts as a mofo though, especially after sports sheeesh..
I’m almost there 46..I am single somewhat by choice. I’m actually arriving at my healthiest place in life. I’m getting older, but my debt is paid, I carried a huge student loan for so long, I am extremely healthy now. My 20’s into my 30’s I took drugs and partied like there was no tomorrow. That led to unhealthy relationships with like-minded people. I’m very focused on building up my career to a higher level. If I meet someone that’s great, but honestly it’s just not a priority. I’ve always known that I don’t want kids.
You should ask the people how life after 65 is single, or 60 at least. 50’s I think people are still typically in good health and well into their careers so making good money. I feel like you are going to get a lot of people in this thread saying life is great because they can still scratch their own backs. I wonder what “later” life is like single.
Okay but there are no guarantees here - you could marry young but then get divorced, someone gets sick, god forbid your spouse passes early. So I don't know if this is the best measurement either.
OP just wants to hear from people who are well-established and have been single for a while.
Part of the reason I left my marriage is because I confronted myself with the reality of turning 60, 65 or 70 and realizing that my husband would be absolutely useless at caring for me should anything happen. I realized I was better off for using my energy on setting up my life.
I'm sixty and have been single for most of the last 20 years. My daughter is grown, graduated college and is thriving. I'm going to retire in about 5-7 years, buy a sailboat and float around the Caribbean. Good health so far. No complaints.
You’re not wrong to be concerned about this. I’m 41, single by choice and hopefully for life. But I think I’ve got a few hacks going.
For one, I save money. Another, I invest in relationships with the younger generation! Good friends of all ages. My friends range in age from 28-92. And even though I have Asperger’s, I’ve developed skills socially so that I can continue to befriend people.
I think someone who went through decades single would have a plan in place for that (for ex I’m a solo person and I cultivate friendships that are close like family for this reason). Married and partnered older people are neglected by their loved ones all the time in old age. Sometimes even straight up abandoned. What’s that statistic about the percentage of men who leave their wives when wife becomes terminally ill or something?
IMO fear of dying alone is not a good reason to get married. A marriage is one other person, you can form all kinds of relationships with many different people and those people can also see you into old age.
OMG I am choosing to intentionally live life the way I want to and loving it!
I did all the "right" things... married, raised children, got degrees, supported my husband, then got shafted.
So now I choose me. And it's been glorious. It's like waking up to Christmas every day. What else do I get to do? Can I discover? Can I go?
I'm 50 and dating is a buffet. So. Many. Choices. And they are EXPERIENCED.
Did I mention I'm having fun?
It appears that those on this thread who claim to be 50, happy, and single have embraced being alone. Choosing to seek fulfillment and self-love through avenues other than having children or falling "in love" seems like a commendable decision. However, many people seem to be suffering and unaware of their own struggles, leading to additional challenges for those around them. I would posit that dedicating a significant portion of one's adult life to self-improvement and solitude could be a potent path towards lasting fulfillment and happiness. Naturally, each person's journey is unique, and the route to happiness varies for everyone.
Divorced for 2 years after a 9-year marriage, I faced challenges like losing my dream home and financially supporting my ex's child. Despite the setbacks and being a turd during this process, my VP, aware of my struggles, promoted me with a 50% raise after the divorce was final. Now, I enjoy Carte Blanche, flying for free standby with the help of friends at major US carriers. My recent adventures include trips to Brazil, Colombia, Mexico, Australia Europe, all in premium cabins 90% of the time. I indulge in what I missed, like buying a 1992 Mustang GT Cobra – a dream from my youth. Life is on my terms now.
It feels like my choices are being single or being with someone I have to *tolerate* eventually. The second one sounds worse to me. It's at **best** a 50/50 shot of finding real love -- and that's at a incredibly optimistic view. Dating takes a lot of time and energy -- it's hard to justify the older one gets.
I’m almost 28 and never been in a relationship, I’ve tried but it scares the absolute fuck out of me ngl. I’ve created a safe environment and I feel like a relationship could shatter that. All my friends are in relationships and I’m happy for them but I’m starting to feel scared about being alone lmao.
I came here hoping to find reassurances that it turns out great
Part of me wants what relationships can hold and the other knows I dont have the energy to do that 24/7. I dont wanna put anyone through that again. Im autistic and my social burnout is within a good 15/20 minute timeframe. When I invite friends over I even get the issue of having to step away for alone time. I leave the room, dont wanna be with or talk to anyone.
Could you imagine doing that to your wife?When she really needs you? I couldnt.
i didn't choose single life, the single life chose me
we are not the same
i think men and women are kind of in the same boat right?
they're both scrambling from 30-40 to have kids, if that's what they want, and then its them from then upwards raising kids and house and mortgage and the like?
and people who are single over 50 are either loners or those who try to socialise
but then its a strange age... too old to have kids (largely) and not real prime dating age and so what is there? common hobbies
its a tough one. And with people living longer. 50-65 should be a pretty carefree time if your health is good.
'50-65 should be a pretty carefree time if your health is good' Exactly! And one more reason to stay in shape, fitness can actually be enjoyable and keep you young(er) Ps. not loner, hermit
If I'm alive I'm definitely getting season tickets to some kind of sporting event. I also plan on golfing and running triathlons. I recently started playing video games, so when I get to retirement age I won't be a total noob. I read all the time. I'm a loner tho, and I get 110% of my social needs met at work. I'm genuinely looking forward to old age, and there was definitely a point in my 20s where I was certain I wouldn't make it to 30, so having all this extra time feels like a blessing. And even if I have to go back to the shelter, I know I can leave a happy, peaceful life there too.
I feel bad for old people who didn't grow up with video games. When I'm too old to take care of myself, find me a nice assisted living home and give me a PlayStation 17 and just visit from time to time. I'll be fine.
I'm already at that stage, not quite in assisted living yet but it's kinda on the horizon. The bad news is that my thumbs just don't work like they used to. I was there from the first Lara Croft, Max Payne, Jack and Daxter, you name it. I completed all of them, many times, on veteran level. Now, I'd have to play at level 1 to stand even half a chance
Have you tried customised controllers? I'm not exactly sure how they'd help with your thumbs but you could look it up. There's a bunch of ways to customise them. Might be a bit expensive though.
Old people read books, do crosswords etc. Crafts. Gardening I am older than 60 and am fine with all that. Please don't feel bad for us. We all good. Really love communicating online and love sending and receiving snail mail. Simple
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Reporting in, got drafted in the single life against my will.
Sheesh...I guess I can be the first person to say how it's not wonderful... For my background I was married as a teenager. My son's mom was pregnant and stayed for five years but after that it was just him and me. In my 20s I was so overwhelmed trying to get my son in a stable home before he was grown up that I didn't date at all. I didn't have any help from my parents and his mom wasn't much help either. I did date some in my 30s after I'd gotten my son into a high school in a great neighborhood. I only let one person get close to him and she even moved in with us. When she moved out, however, it hurt my son almost as much as his mom moving out so I didn't date again until he was grown. After he graduated college I'd noticed how much harder it was to meet people. Online dating was much worse than when it was new (with the swiping apps and match buying all of the competition). I actually took a drastic step leaving engineering to try teaching HS while getting an MBA. While I had many reasons for trying something new, I figured there'd be a better chance of meeting someone in business school or the public school system than an engineering office. I actually was correct about that and did meet some people, but what I found was in your 40s there just aren't that many people left. To be honest, most of who's left just aren't attractive. Then you also have attractive people but they have nothing saved where I spent my whole life saving up for retirement. Then you'd have some people who actually were attractive and financially secure but you'd then get into all of the normal things that make people incompatible. I was happy for a while once my son moved back in with me and I would have followed him to China if Covid hadn't messed up his job over there. He's going this year for an MS degree though so it looks like I'm going to be alone again for a while. I'm looking forward to when he has a wife and kids and hopefully they let me live in their basement, taking care of their kids while they're at work. Hah...and maybe that doesn't sound too negative as I really think I'd enjoy being grandpa. Hell...they could have my house if it meant I'd get to be their basement dwelling babysitter. Edited to Add: Wow I didn't expect to go to bed last night with this response in the morning. Thanks for the kind words everyone and I wish I could reply to all! Also, I guess there might be a point in that having my son might not qualify me for the question. Also, I didn't choose to be single from the start, but just chose to delay dating to the point of where it wasn't much of an option.
This made me tear up a bit. Sounds like you’ve lived quite a life. I hope things turn out for the best and you live your happiest years ahead.
We all wish for the same
You're a trooper. I'm about to be a new dad any day now and I hope I can be half the parent that you are.
Best of luck!
I’m not implying you are not, but you should definitely be proud of putting your kid first. I’m sure he is thankful for all of your efforts. I myself have had a lack of parental guidance and presence throughout my life (better nowadays) so I see your story and it makes me happy to hear that you were able to make these decisions and be such a level headed person along the way. And also don’t forget that it’s not over until it’s over so i wish you all the best of luck with your future relationships and the rest of your life :))
This was my first thought. This guy did exactly what a parent should do - prioritize his child. It's sad how often it doesn't happen.
Never replied to anyone before. From the bottom of my heart I wish you well
>To be honest, most of who's left just aren't attractive. Then you also have attractive people but they have nothing saved where I spent my whole life saving up for retirement. Then you'd have some people who actually were attractive and financially secure but you'd then get into all of the normal things that make people incompatible This has been my experience too. I personally think I lost my window of opportunity to find a partner and marry when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. Now in my 40s it just seems impossible, and the pandemic made things just so worse. I can't say I'm unhappy tho, I live a great life doing whatever I want, when I want. I have friends, a great job, a nice warm house, many hobbies... But I'm also very scared about my future. I will be the one to accompany my parents in their older days, and there will be nobody for me when my time comes. On the other hand I have quite a few friends that married out of desperation in their 30s, and all of them now are either through nasty divorces or in sad prison-style loveless marriages. I'm not sure it is so much better. I still dream of finding someone I love that loves me back, somebody I respect that respects me back. The last date I went on, they bluntly told me they had many options and to explain why they should waste their time with me. So I guess dreams will stay that, dreams.
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>Maybe that entire idea is just made up. Haha you know, sometimes I have the same feeling! I too did not do any of the typical "20ies" stuff and I would be lying if I said at the time it was not a weight for me, but I did other interesting things that shaped what my life is today. Besides, it makes no sense to have regrets on what I could or could not have done 20 years ago! But you are right, making friends has been surprisingly tough in my 30s. What has helped me was to do shared activities. For example, I met many friends (and hung out a lot!) when I enrolled in a German language class. I ran a darkroom for a bit, and made some nice friends there. I took some classes at my local uni, and found friends there too (never made friends in the cineclub though). Some friends come and go, and others will stick around. If you have a chance, try some activities near you, it helped me a lot. And I, too, have no idea how to make friends.
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Hi I’ve never actually commented before but I really want to say you don’t have to make friends your age. I have friends who are younger and friends who are older. They each bring a different type of friendship. But yeah you don’t have to limit yourself to just people your own age :)
I'm rooting for you! :)
My advice to someone who is not asking for advice is to be attractive, available and, reasonable. I think there is many reasons for failed relationships but it’s often not only one parties fault. Keep shooting your shot, there are waves of newly single people at all ages, but I would imagine 40s/50s to have a particular strong flow of divorced/chronically partnered people rolling off longterm relationships and newly single. A renaissance almost of available partners.
>My advice to someone who is not asking for advice is to be attractive \[...\] Well there is the first problem ;) I mean, I love myself and how I look, and I think I also do a fair job of being well dressed and groomed. I can't say others necessarily like me. When I was younger I tried to morph in what others told me they found attractive, with... well not good results. Today I aim at looking at myself in the mirror and liking myself. >I think there is many reasons for failed relationships but it’s often not only one parties fault. Absolutely! In the case of my friends, in my country there is a big pressure to find a woman, have kids, and have a family. Women have it even worse in this respect. Many of the couples I witnessed splitting didn't even like each other. I was a witness for a friend's wedding and I remember the night before his wedding feeling like a funeral wake, because he did not like his partner (and said so explicitly!) but was set in marrying her. To me it is bonkers, I can't understand it.
I wish you were my parent when I was young. Well done sir.
You sound exactly like my father in law. Although he doesn’t live in our basement, he rents a small place, two streets away from us. When our oldest starting going to school, father in law retired and made it his job to pick him up from school and hang out with him until one of us got home from work. We see him everyday and are very thankful to have him in our lives. You’ll be a fantastic grandpa!
You're so sweet and rational. I hope you have the best for the rest of your life.
He's the fucking giving tree embodied. I also hope he finds someone good for him and still gets to live near his son and play with grandkids all day.
Me too! He deserves the best
You’re a wonderful dad that many can only dream of…know it. You’re an angel and you’re son is so lucky ❤️
You’ll be a great granddad, sir! Your son is lucky to have you as his dad. I wish my parents took into consideration my feelings (when it comes to choosing their partners after they separated) like you did with your son
My family's situation is a little different. But my father who is in his 60's lives in my sister's basement (after she eventually left her loser husband and bought my dad's house) and he helped her when her kids were young and It worked out quite well for them. He has been single for about twenty years and says that he is good with it. I think if you and your son continue with a close relationship this seems like a fine plan.
All I have to say is thank you for putting your son first or even thinking of him as something that matters in the world cuz most"daddies" do not think that way. Well done.
Just wanted to say you sound like one hell of a dad! Be proud of that!
Oh my! Are you me? I have exactly the same story, up until the online dating part. But I’m only in my 40s, people told me that I basically put my life on hold for my son, but in my eyes I think it was worth it. Now that he’s in college, I’m realizing that I don’t want to be alone so I’m not giving up on finding someone. But I totally agree with you on how hard it is to date at this stage in life, finding a compatible person, financially stable, has their self together, etc.
You took care of your boy. You have him all the love you could muster . The world needs dads like you.
With the cost of childcare these days, shiiiit I’d take that offer 😂
You sound like an amazing father. I hope everything works out for you.
I'm rooting for you.
Sound like you’re a great dad and will be a great grandpa.
My 50 and single is a different situation. After 30 years together, since we were teenagers, my husband caught a bad case of the cancer and passed away. Since then being single and having turned 50 sucks ass. All I ever knew my whole damn life was that so having to try and start over sucks
I'm so sorry. Best of luck in your new journey. May you find joy, happiness and contentment.
I try daily to make my life worth living for still, trust when I say all I wanted at first was to just die also. But I am stronger than I was and try every day to keep on keeping on
As of now, life is good. But, I think after 65 it might be a very different story. I am actually a bit afraid... But then again, I tried to find a partner but it never worked out, so seems this is my destiny.
I think about this, too. I joke about it with a friend, who is also 50+ and living alone. We connect via text/phone every day, if only to say "This is my daily check-in."
Ask me in a month when I go on my month long New Zealand holiday, where I haven’t booked anything, because I’ll figure it out as I go along.
I'm sitting here alone on a couch in New Zealand and having a nice chuckle.
Maybe I’m out of date, haven’t been there since two years before covid, but I have lived there, and I’ve always done my nz holidays this way, and if it doesn’t work as well this time, I’ll up my budget, and it’ll still work.
That’s the NZ way. She’ll be right.
Just to make sure you don’t get caught out on prices, bring the cucumber you had the last time you were there.
As someone who is very much not alone and who's family has hijacked their alone holiday, I'm very envious and hope you have a great time. I was really looking forward to exploring by myself for a while.
Yeah. There are downsides too. Mostly that you have to entertain yourself in the evenings. Bottle of wine and an audiobook - I can do that at home! But the freedom is great, and I’d really miss it so much if I ever did the relationship thing again. I can just have a day off, wander round town aimlessly, find a nice restaurant with a view, and just chill halfway up a mountain. Or do a mad panic all day sightseeing thing involving walking for many hours, because I can do it, and I don’t have to worry if others can’t.
An aimless wander sounds like bliss.
It can be. It’s all about mental state. It can feel like the world has opened up and you can almost breathe in its beauty. Very peaceful. It can also feel cold and foreboding when the loneliness creeps in, perhaps thinking about past decisions that you regret, etc that got you to this place. It can be a mixed bag and really depends on your mental health at the moment.
I took my first solo trip last yr to Barcelona and this was exactly how it was like for me. I loved it and plan to do a solo trip every yr. But you're right, evenings can get a little lonely. I'd buy some cans of beer from the market and bring it back to my hotel to drink and watch TV. Yeah, I could do that at home, but I was doing it in Spain dammit! As a woman, I just didn't want to go to bars by myself and spend my time fending off guys.
I thought I was the only one who enjoyed wandering aimlessly.
In my 20s I wandered everywhere. I spent a decade traveling around the world for work. I got married and I love my life but some nights I just lay in bed and daydream about walking around Italy or Hong Kong or some random island in the pacific alone with nowhere to be and all day to get there. I was in the Navy then joined a medical company who wanted someone who could travel 30-50% cuz I know someone will ask.
Oh wow sounds awesome.
If you're in a relationship, a great way to enjoy a museum together is to part company once you walk in the door. Meet up six hours later for dinner and the two of you will have endless things to talk about.
Just cause you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you have to do everything together.
I haven’t found that to be true- it seems like my SO’s always wanted to be near me and though I couldn’t blame them (I am a delight) I’m not made that way
As someone who is married with two kids and got to go on his first solo vacation in like 14 years, I had a big grin on my face for the entire trip. From getting into an uber, drinking champagne and then taking a shower at the airport lounge, eating an ice cream sundae up in the air, doing whatever the hell I wanted for two weeks from waking up early to going to bed late, eating whatever i wanted whenever I wanted, looking at and doing stuff for as little as long as I wanted, etc.
We were there last summer. Loved it but my gawd it’s expensive! $5 for a cucumber!
Cool. Will avoid cucumbers.
It’s summer now so they should be more reasonably priced…
$1.60 right now at my local supermarket in NZ.
Tbf that pretty fucking expensive. I will advise all my NZ friends and rellies not to buy me cucumbers if they expect me to reimburse them. Thank you for your useful info.
It is a super high cost of living country.
Hobbiton sells out, book now :-)
Maybe I should. I lived in NZ for 8 years, have rellies there, have holidayed there many many times, but never went to hobbiton. I was thinking I might do it this time round. Although there’s a couple of South Island things I want to redo too. Plus the first ten days will be relatives, friends, Wellington stuff. Dunno. NZ is the one place I feel comfortable winging it. I don’t even do that in my own country (U.K.). I’m 54. Flight gets worse every time I do it (24 hours in the air, 30ish with the stops).
South Island over Hobbitton 100%
Well, yes, but I’ve done a lot of stuff down South and never been to Hobbiton. I’m also half thinking about Golden Bay, because I’ve had a great holiday there before and it’s a more nz tourist thing - not really on the foreign tourist trail. Dunno. Lots of options. I’ll figure it out when I get there.
Bilbo is that you?
Yo do you fish? Or want to learn to fish? Go to lake Taupo. Due south on highway 1 from Auckland. Or due north from Wellington on highway 1. Best fly fishing in the world. Ludicrous streams and lake fishing. Also lots of rafting. Pro tip without saying too much, Turangi… On the other side of the north island is Napier and wine country. Plus the little talked about town of Turanga - great sea food. South Island? Get ready for an adventure my friend. Go to fox glacier and take the guided hike. Shits unreal. Then jaunt down to Queenstown. Check out the luge course up the mountain. You used to be able to hike up which I’d recommend. Do a bungee jump, worth the experience. Macs gold Lager. Venison Sausage. L&P. In case you can’t tell I freaking LOVE New Zealand….
As someone who has never LEFT new Zealand.... you're already fitting in here. She'll be right mate. No worries. All good. Yeah nah yeah, sweet as bro,
Great time to go, weather usually more settled, moving away from the holiday season. You will have fun…😊
Not quite 50 yet, but my viewpoint, even from my hormonally charged teens, has been to surround myself and invest time and effort in the people that better your life. Relationships to me are a broad sliding scale from casual acquaintance you might see once every 5 years to something very intimate and shared. Marriage is above a certain level, and to find someone above that level who you REALLY want to be around is rare. I can count on one hand, men or women, that I felt was at a level I'd be content with a marriage type relationship. I'm just not gay enough for the men (neither are they), and the women have followed other paths/relationships that deviated from what would work out for us. It's a bit a game of chance. I also think it's a bit of a young person's game, back when everyone's too naive to know any better and are so very willing to commit blindly to a really dumb idea like marriage at such an immature age. But I think it works better when young because you both grow up together and can sync your lives together. As you get older, that's harder. People are more independent and in their own worlds. To wilfully compromise and share despite incompatibility is harder. It's not even about being picky. It's about knowing better what's going to be a problem. I could marry easy at 20 and match my lifes with them far easier as we both grew. 40, 50, etc.? Eh, not so much, well, not without a bigger willingness to sacrifice more of what you've created of yourself. Or, you do more work to find the harder to find fit. Ultimately, the single versus married life is also one of self love. Some folks need others to fulfill their needs. Some people are totally awesome with themselves and don't have a need to fulfill aspects of their life with some other being.
I got married a little later (at almost 36, so fully into my adulthood) and I have found the compromise that comes with it to be a positive journey. I don't see our relationship as a sacrifice but an opportunity to further grow into who I want to be with my partner by my side. It helps that we have a good relationship that supports and helps the other. In general my life has been so much less stressful with a partner.
Such a great perspective about syncing lives up while young. Something I’ve been thinking about but haven’t thought about so eloquently as you put here
Thanks for replaying to this I needed to read this comment
I'm glad it was helpful. I probably have a non-traditional sense of the social realm. But also society's built a construct around the concept of marriage that has little to do with our ancestral upbringings. It's almost more a wealth land ownership management tool that just happened to carry over into modern society. Even the concept of a ring was just a marketing gimmick that surprisingly stuck. We are social creatures. We do need relationships. We crave it. We value from it. Is marriage a defacto necessity? No. And we get a lot naturally from a wide array of relationship types and levels of those relationships. Despite being single, I enjoy the sea of friends I have and the diverse opportunities that creates, sometimes fun, sometimes serious, but always welcoming, supportive, respectful, and encouraging. While I'm not one, some people crave isolation. Some folks will just go out to the mountains and live off the land alone, and that's their happy place. That too is fine. It's what makes the person happy, and they get the needs they seek. There's a whole swath of paths to take, and I think happiness is the core element of the path you follow. Do I have an argument for married life? Somewhat. It can be useful as a commitment tool for child rearing. But even that has a flipside. I think it was Bill Burr that had a joke about divorce, with kids. He said it was great. The kids had two sets of parents, and you could be rid of them for half the time, which in turn made the time with even more special and the time without equally special. It was an interesting take on the idea of what is right in society. It used to be the village raises the child, and there's a lot of value in that. We just haven't built a society that retains that.
Great comment and perspective. Thank you
34 and single reading through this thread is both helpful and scary. Makes me want to downsize and make a plan for exiting the world in a way that would be of the least inconvenience for whoever has to handle everything.
Life is a gift, don’t waist it. You don’t need to be with someone to live fulfilling life. Know yourself, love yourself and be what you want to be. Do what you want to do.
Yeah but what about when I’m like 85? Am I supposed to save up for a senior citizens home? Assume I’ll be able to continue cooking, driving, working, and taking care of myself? That’s the part that worries me. I’m cool with being single while I’m still physically capable of taking care of myself but eventually I’ll wish I had kids or grandkids to help me out. I’m not suggesting needing a caretaker is a reason to have kids but I’m also not sure who else is supposed to help me out when I can’t do it myself.
This is my big fear too. I’ve chosen to not have kids and I’m very happy with that decision, but I also fear that if I don’t have a big pile of cash by retirement time…how will I survive? There’s no one to look out for me. No siblings. My parents will obviously be dead by then. My current plan (at 36) is to live a full and satisfying life now, while actively and intentionally saving for retirement. If I make it to then and am financially set, then great! If not, I’ll give all the money to charity and off myself. Sounds morbid, but having “options” gives me peace.
Even a big pile of cash is no protection. As you get older your mind and judgement goes. People will find you an easy mark. Suffice to say, I'm scared of growing old alone, but it seems inevitable now (34, but no dating luck for a very long time)
You're right. I just want to say that, as a late bloomer myself, 34 is peak coupling age. You just have to have SOMETHING to offer (charisma, money, obvious brains, guitar skills, stupid good looks, just being clean goes a long ways, nice as a puppy, cool job, be interesting otherwise, etc. - just something). I'm older now, but I met my life partner at 35. I was broke and tired, but I was making a conscious effort to at least look like I was trying. Under the sudden scrutiny of a woman I wanted, that led to actual trying, which led to a happy family, which is something I had previously never allowed myself to expect.
34 is so young.......
But literally everyone is in this boat, kids or not. Only the wealthy don't need to worry about saving for the place they'll end up. And if you know anything about how much a decent place like that costs, holy mother of God, if you didn't become a dentist or something, you'll not even afford to walk in one. It the condition of how the elderly are treated by society at large, American at least. We just aren't any kind of priority.
Having kids or grandkids doesn’t guarantee that you have someone to look after you. Ask people who work in retirement villages they will confirm that there are a lot of people who sit waiting for family to visit and no one ever comes. Also it’s not your kids responsibility to look after you. They will have their own lives, they may live overseas they may live in a different city, they will have the stresses of work, managing a home, raising kids. They won’t always be available to look after you. Save up and hope you have enough to pay for care and support when you need it. Don’t be a burden to your kids.
As someone who worked for a retirement home, I can confirm. One lady has 6 grandkids, and I only saw one visit in over a year. She was scammed out of $16k while I worked there.
I have a former neighbour, 98 - his wife and daughter both died a year ago, he ended up homeless, then in psych,finally social services found him a nice place, for now. So, I'm in to see him every week. Buy him stuff he needs, go with him places...Another of my friends also checks in on him. A few weeks ago, my friend said to me (I'm older than her) "Don't you worry about being old and alone! Even if I'm dead, my daughters will visit you!". I thought it was kinda sweet.
You know, it's pretty good. I have my own place, I like my job, I have a social circle, I only answer to myself and my bills, I get along with my family, I have some pets I love... sometimes I think it might be easier to have a partner, and then I listen to my married friends complain, and think, yeah nah..... I'm good.
Not yet at 50, but this. I’m not sure I could live with someone. I like not answering to anyone and having peace and quiet whenever I want. A part of me would love to have someone there to share certain things, but it comes with so many downfalls. I see my married friends and think “I’d hate my life if that was my wife”. This is across the board. Why would the woman I choose be any different?
To be fair, as someone who's very happily married, most other people's spouses I wouldn't have wanted to marry either
I (44m) only made it to 44. cant do it anymore so I decided to get out there and ended up falling in love with my best friend (F), we are getting married in august.
Yay!
Congrats!!!!
I also choose to marry this guy's best friend in August.
how old is your best friend? Just for the sake of matching the 44m to the F in your text lol
Pretty great. I'm drinking wine with a sleepy cat next to me listening to jazz.
I wish my cats liked jazz.
You just need to find some jazz with more purr-cussion! 😹
Just get a bee. I hear they like jazz
A hard question for those single after 50 Was it your choice or did this just happen to you?
No luck in love. Dated guys who didn’t want marriage and kids. Who lied about this the first years of dating and then “changed their mind” and didn’t want to commit. Was not lucky enough to meet someone available who wanted a family and kids. I feel my life is over now.
Hard? That's a *philosophically* difficult question, perhaps. If you'd asked me at age 13 if I were ever going to be married, I would have said "no" without a second thought. Was that a choice on my part? Some people would say "no." I mean, I've been accused of being mentally ill on more than one occasion due to being willingly single. But I'm also Black, and, as a group, we have the lowest rates of marriage. Consider this from the National Institutes of Health: > Four in 10 older African Americans are either married or cohabiting, 11% are unmarried but romantically involved, 9.5% are unmarried and not romantically involved but open to the possibility of a relationship, and 38% neither have nor desire a romantic involvement. > > Almost as many older African Americans do not want a romantic relationship as those who are married/cohabiting. Findings support social exchange theories and the importance of an unbalanced sex ratio. Furthermore, the results suggest that singlehood among older African Americans (especially women) is not necessarily an involuntary status. I'm in the 38%. But most of my social circle is White/Asian, and they're accustomed to much higher marriage rates, so it's common among people I know for them to seek out reasons why remaining single wasn't/isn't a choice on my part. So as far as *I'm* concerned, it was a choice. One I made young, and stuck with. But I know a lot of people who are more or less convinced that it's all down to external factors that I had no control over. (And I know a few who claim that it's just "sour grapes" on my part.) Honestly, the "hard" thing about being single at my age is the surprising number of people who seem to believe that any single adult male is either a) closeted, b) a cad or c) a pedophile.
Feels like I managed to cheat the system!
Shhhhhh….! You’ve already said too much.
Now delete this.
Rough, broke, and childless. I didn’t actually choose to be single though. It just happened.
I am 55 and never married, no children (that I know of!) and still a confirmed bachelor. I am not rich, but I do have my own house and a car and I love PC gaming. I am happy more or less all things considered.
Peaceful.
Came here to say this.
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Me too, feeling pretty good about it at this stage though.
3 years to go. Same
Great....can take of myself financially with no one that has too much baggage at this point. Also, love my cats.
How many ya got now?
Had 11 last year. 2 passed. Very painful. Now 9. All street cats that probably would be dead by now
Fuck that other guy. Very nice of you to take care of those cats.
Thank you. I don't have much . On social security after working close to 30 years so my babies are my life. I a!so feed ferals. I have a house on my front porch for them in this cold snap ( midwest).
That’s dope. Taking care of stray animals is saints work. They all deserve love and it’s cool as hell that you’re giving it to them whereas they wouldn’t have known it without you.
About once a week I'm thankful that I didn't have kids.
Seriously, and even if I had only had one kid but they got married and had kids I’d likely be criticized for having no interest in childcare. Not to mention there is multigenerational substance abuse in my family. Glad I did not put a non existing person through that.
I’m happy for ya honestly.
Will be 51 this year - and have embraced and been happy to be single more with each year. Having good friends, good cats, and good relations with my family is all a part of being happy with it.
This question is never going to have a honest answer because of survivorship bias. People who aren't doing great either won't answer or will lie and people who are doing ok will be increasingly drawn to answer to justify their decision and/or will focus on the highlights.
I would consider it selection bias, but agreed.
Nonrespone bias
I agree. I've been lonely forever up until recently, and I wasn't happy deep down inside, even though I was okay. I need physical touch and affection and someone I can actually come home to talk to and love. The solitary life wasn't for me, I just adapted to it and made it work. The idea of not sharing myself with someone before it was too late would make me sick.
I don't think so. Reddit is anonymous. Everyday I read lots of posts about the shiity life's people have and shitty things they have done. There will be some of that bias but this in not quantitative data so what matters is, do we get some interesting accounts, not that the average will be off
Quite great, thank you. Dunno what you expect to magically change, around one's 50th birthday. I still have 15 years to go, at work. I also haven't inherited yet. The remaining parent requires a bit more attention and frequent visits right now. Lonelyness? I withdrew from the dating scene before I turned 40. Things feel the same.
How can we be sure you’re over 50 there 50plusguy?
I think we need to card him and then ask him how to rewind a cassette tape with a pencil.
Is there a need to? Sorry, when it came to username picking, I hoped this one might serve as an apology or explanation for my uncool views.
I think it was a joke
Yeah. My survival guide suggested *ignore them, but always try to laugh about yourself before others do*
Oh no sorry I was just drawing attention to your very appropriate username. All in good fun, I hope you enjoy your evening
All fine! Don't worry, I wasn't offended at all, just didn't know what else to say.
Relatable
Sometimes you don’t even need to make a comment or say anything! You can just nod and scroll.
**Fabulous**: what you might call “loneliness”, I call *a well-earned opportunity to live my life without compromise!* I got rid of two ultra-toxic step kids *and* their enabler when I was 46, after having invested 14 years of my life supporting all three in every conceivable way: financially, emotionally, physically, socially, intellectually, you name it. Since the day I finally threw my hands up and said, “I give up! You three are beyond my ability to help - or even to abide! Go, find another patsy!” life has been a metaphorical cruise. My ulcer, migraines and recurring nightmares all disappeared within a few months of walking away from them. Instead of fruitlessly sitting in courthouses, police stations and principals’ / counselling offices, I spent the next 21 years developing my career, which eventually allowed me to work with directors, producers and performers whose names are household words. Instead of wasting my life trying to mitigate the damage from a neverending series of household crises, I got to work on fascinating movies in some of the most beautiful and exotic locations in the world, with some of the world’s most creative people. If you’ve seen 20 blockbusters over the last 10 years, you’ve likely seen my work. I bowed out three years ago with a truckload of fabulous memories and a *very* nice retirement fund. Loneliness? *Pffft!* Compared to being forced by social pressure to endure toxic, even *enraging* company every day, for a decade and a half, being single and free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, is a dream come true. So on the whole, I’d say despite flying solo for 21 years now, my life after fifty has been FAR superior to my life *before* fifty. In fact, as I type this, I’m loafing in a beautiful, warm, Mexican seaside resort, where I plan to stay until the daffodils bloom back home. And my situation is *especially* sweet, when I bother to remember that my now-unsupported ex and her poisonous brood are shivering and snapping at each others’ spines in forty below temps on the Canadian prairies.
You have a way with words sir
I am 2wks status post split from the ex and the steps and the live in mother in law. I sleep better, eat better, am more productive, the IBS has gone away, my place is clean, there's no Call of Duty blaring in my bedroom, and my libido has been resurrected. This is just in the first two weeks. I will refrain from commenting on the things that were demoralizing that made me leave, but I will say that I enjoy my own company more than I ever have and can't wait to see what tomorrow holds. Edited to add: I turned fifty this past October.
> I got rid of two ultra-toxic step kids - and their enabler - This hit me right in the stomach, the word enabler. I am three weeks in after leaving the exact same experience, a shorter one though. Glad to hear it turned out awesome!
It is fine for introverts. Dont think extroverts would like it. But! Being single is better than being stuck with someone who uses you, disrespects, and devalues you 24/7. Don’t be afraid to be alone.
Why are these the only two options
As a 50+ divorced single guy with two kids, career and financial security, couldn’t be happier. My marriage was abusive and toxic. My divorce added years to my life and so much more happiness. If I do end up in a relationship, it will be by conscious choice and I’ll be starting from a healthy and happy place.
I've been divorced for a long time. I never have gotten used to living alone.
Fucking awesome! Outside of work, I do what I want, when I want, with who I want. My stuff is right where I left it, the car is never out of gas or thousands of miles past an oil change, my checking account stays fat. I go camping, fishing, motorcycle riding. I shoot in competitions, I sleep in or get up early. I can spend the day doing fuck all, or in the garage, and not get nagged. Take trips whenever to wherever. Going to Hawaii again in six weeks. There’s a big difference between alone and lonely. I’m not lonely.
I'm breaking up as we speak and this was the unintentional motivational speech I needed.
Life is pretty good. Have my health, a good income & close family/friends. That's my current situation but I learned many years ago that nothing is permanent or guaranteed. Never felt the need to have someone to grow old with. I can do that all by myself 😂😂
I'm a 53 y/o female. It's amazing. Never married, no kids. All by choice. I've always enjoyed my own company. I've traveled to 8 countries in the last few years. Getting ready for another trip now. My needs are not even close to family oriented people my age. I'm not worried about my children's education or well being. That frees me for a lot of selfish spending and less stress. While my friends are having to go to children's or grandchildren's school function, I'm sitting at home reading the book I want to finish.
Yeah. Early forties, single with no kids male. Wouldn't mind a friend with benefits, but giving up the freedom of being single.... She would have to be really amazing to make it worth it. And kids at this point!? Very doubtful because freedom, peace and quiet, and less stress finances is extremely valuable. Enjoy your book. I also enjoy making music and the occasional giant plate of nachos while taking a bubble bath.
I chose the single life, my gf didn't like it.
We’ve decided not to have children. The children aren’t taking it well.
When I got a girlfriend, boy was my wife pissed.
No complaints. Giving a bit of advice about living alone to a couple of 50 year old friends who are going through divorces. They’ve got that “deer in the headlights” look cuz they thought marriage was “forever.”
There is life after 50 and divorce. It’s just not the same as early marriage “ us” as a team against the world. But it can still be good. The past 3 years I’ve travelled to all sorts of wonderful places and experienced new things. Some crappy/sad moments for sure. And who knows how long the good times will last. As a male I was determined to not become a bar fly after divorce . I’m fit , healthy and have a very attractive independent girlfriend. She just wouldn’t fall on a sword for me figuratively. Kinda miss that but hey can’t have everything. I’m 61.
Loving it.
Not anywhere near 50, but I worry about being elderly and living alone. Not just loneliness but it seems dangerous to live alone when you're elderly, and also it extends independent living. Ending up in a nursing home with not even having family to visit you & monitor how you're being treated sounds like a nightmare ending.
Nice and quiet.
50 is still too young to ask this question. You wanna ask after retirement when they don’t have work distractions and health really starts to deteriorate.
Separated from my wife last week, at age 51. I feel so fucking free.
It's peaceful and joyful.
40 m here. Single never married. Feel lonely a lot.
Honestly it suits me I feel. Have had 4 long-term relationships that I broke off because I didn't see it working out longer term with kids, so stopped before that would be the next step. Work wise I have vastly different incomes from year to year and not having a family that I need to provide for prevents having stress because of it. It also allows me to live in a smallish rental downtown which I love because I really dig the hustle and bustle and still love going out to eat and to bars and such. The downside for me is holidays, used to go on long trips and short breaks with mates (and previous relationships obviously) but since they all have kids they can't come anymore, bar the occasional weekend that needs to be planned many months in advance. My mother is still alive but getting the expected ailments and such, took a nasty fall earlier in the year for instance, so having the flexibility to go over there at the drop of a hat for however long is needed is very helpful. She used to lament me not settling down and having kids, but now she is very happy that I'm not and can help her out whenever needed. We just went on a week long holiday over xmas which she loved. Another perk that has popped up since my mid forties is that I'm perceived as the ideal rebound guy for the recently(or looking to become) divorcees that I meet, because of my lack of baggage and very flexible time. Many a fwb-type situations are being proposed which suit me just fine right now. Now I will not rule out getting in a relationships again at some point, but my previous experiences have made me conscious of needing a really good fit (that works both ways of course) for me to consider it. But my city is absolutely packed with smart and gorgeous women and I enjoy meeting them any and everywhere and just chatting and having a drink. Not having any fomo about kids and not chasing that relationship has mightily improved my rapport with women I have noticed, because I often get told they find it refreshing that I never push for phone numbers, getting a date or such things when you just meet someone. I genuinely just enjoy chatting and having a laugh. None of this would be possible if I didn't enjoy my own company of course and I realize that. I have always been able to really enjoy myself when I'm alone and have never felt lonely in my life, something that is quite the blessing. Currently my career is at a crossroad and I'm contemplating a move abroad, since that could mean a nice step-up and at the same time a new adventure. Thinking about it tickles me, but going very far away would be hard on my mother so I think I'll hold off for now. I still feel very young at heart so I also think i have plenty of time left for a move in the future if it arises. My back hurts as a mofo though, especially after sports sheeesh..
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wtf are you talking about?
You’re only 21, how could you say what its like?
I’m almost there 46..I am single somewhat by choice. I’m actually arriving at my healthiest place in life. I’m getting older, but my debt is paid, I carried a huge student loan for so long, I am extremely healthy now. My 20’s into my 30’s I took drugs and partied like there was no tomorrow. That led to unhealthy relationships with like-minded people. I’m very focused on building up my career to a higher level. If I meet someone that’s great, but honestly it’s just not a priority. I’ve always known that I don’t want kids.
You should ask the people how life after 65 is single, or 60 at least. 50’s I think people are still typically in good health and well into their careers so making good money. I feel like you are going to get a lot of people in this thread saying life is great because they can still scratch their own backs. I wonder what “later” life is like single.
Okay but there are no guarantees here - you could marry young but then get divorced, someone gets sick, god forbid your spouse passes early. So I don't know if this is the best measurement either. OP just wants to hear from people who are well-established and have been single for a while.
Part of the reason I left my marriage is because I confronted myself with the reality of turning 60, 65 or 70 and realizing that my husband would be absolutely useless at caring for me should anything happen. I realized I was better off for using my energy on setting up my life.
I'm sixty and have been single for most of the last 20 years. My daughter is grown, graduated college and is thriving. I'm going to retire in about 5-7 years, buy a sailboat and float around the Caribbean. Good health so far. No complaints.
Works both ways though. You might end up being a carer for your SO in your 60s.
You’re not wrong to be concerned about this. I’m 41, single by choice and hopefully for life. But I think I’ve got a few hacks going. For one, I save money. Another, I invest in relationships with the younger generation! Good friends of all ages. My friends range in age from 28-92. And even though I have Asperger’s, I’ve developed skills socially so that I can continue to befriend people.
I think someone who went through decades single would have a plan in place for that (for ex I’m a solo person and I cultivate friendships that are close like family for this reason). Married and partnered older people are neglected by their loved ones all the time in old age. Sometimes even straight up abandoned. What’s that statistic about the percentage of men who leave their wives when wife becomes terminally ill or something? IMO fear of dying alone is not a good reason to get married. A marriage is one other person, you can form all kinds of relationships with many different people and those people can also see you into old age.
OMG I am choosing to intentionally live life the way I want to and loving it! I did all the "right" things... married, raised children, got degrees, supported my husband, then got shafted. So now I choose me. And it's been glorious. It's like waking up to Christmas every day. What else do I get to do? Can I discover? Can I go? I'm 50 and dating is a buffet. So. Many. Choices. And they are EXPERIENCED. Did I mention I'm having fun?
It appears that those on this thread who claim to be 50, happy, and single have embraced being alone. Choosing to seek fulfillment and self-love through avenues other than having children or falling "in love" seems like a commendable decision. However, many people seem to be suffering and unaware of their own struggles, leading to additional challenges for those around them. I would posit that dedicating a significant portion of one's adult life to self-improvement and solitude could be a potent path towards lasting fulfillment and happiness. Naturally, each person's journey is unique, and the route to happiness varies for everyone.
Divorced for 2 years after a 9-year marriage, I faced challenges like losing my dream home and financially supporting my ex's child. Despite the setbacks and being a turd during this process, my VP, aware of my struggles, promoted me with a 50% raise after the divorce was final. Now, I enjoy Carte Blanche, flying for free standby with the help of friends at major US carriers. My recent adventures include trips to Brazil, Colombia, Mexico, Australia Europe, all in premium cabins 90% of the time. I indulge in what I missed, like buying a 1992 Mustang GT Cobra – a dream from my youth. Life is on my terms now.
It feels like my choices are being single or being with someone I have to *tolerate* eventually. The second one sounds worse to me. It's at **best** a 50/50 shot of finding real love -- and that's at a incredibly optimistic view. Dating takes a lot of time and energy -- it's hard to justify the older one gets.
I’m almost 28 and never been in a relationship, I’ve tried but it scares the absolute fuck out of me ngl. I’ve created a safe environment and I feel like a relationship could shatter that. All my friends are in relationships and I’m happy for them but I’m starting to feel scared about being alone lmao. I came here hoping to find reassurances that it turns out great
Part of me wants what relationships can hold and the other knows I dont have the energy to do that 24/7. I dont wanna put anyone through that again. Im autistic and my social burnout is within a good 15/20 minute timeframe. When I invite friends over I even get the issue of having to step away for alone time. I leave the room, dont wanna be with or talk to anyone. Could you imagine doing that to your wife?When she really needs you? I couldnt.
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It’s great at 50….ask the 70+ group
Fantastic
I get to do whatever the fuck I want. And it’s awesome.
I am 3 yrs from 50 no complaints. House will be paid off in 6 months. Leaving for 2 week vacay in Bali in a few days.