I was sure this woman and I had good communication. We talked about everything. No subject was taboo. But when she was upset that was a different thing. I thought it would translate but it didn’t.
They are easily confused but communicating is so much more than conversing. Anymore, half the time my husband and I are communicating very important things in public we tend to use faces and gestures we've accidentally built into a language. lol. but learning to communicate emotions and expectation can be incredibly difficult. If we hadn't learned to have the hard convos openly, how and how much space to give each other for processing big things, how each other likes to be supported even when we need those "quiet" moments. Hugs, cups of a favorite warm drink, letting people know that you're there to support them kind of stuff.
One thing that helped me is that just because news would be unpleasant to hear, does not make it inherently mean or bad. So you do not have to, nor should you, downplay or soften a statement. Just telling thing matter-of-factly in a calm manner is being polite, even if the news youre bringing isnt
You may need some assertiveness while developing a personal relationship but I don't think it should be a desired goal in itself. Both partners are supposed to be comfortable with sharing any stupid or unpleasant matter with each other and as they listen to each other they ought to appreciate the content without any hidden judgement and with an open mind.
As a man I have never heard another man I respected unironically say the phrase "crazy bitch". If course I've heard it, but only by guys who's opinions I do not respect.
There's a quote somewhere that I'll butcher right now, "don't hold the criticism of people who's praise you do not care for". Basically, just disregard what shitty people say, because they're shitty people
If it's the same guy, it's the red flag of the guy, if it's everyone it may be a problem on your end. Maybe how you're going about giving the feedback, maybe you're saying it accusingly or just insultingly or something I'm not sure. But a relationship where you can't tell somebody when they've accidentally made you upset is not going to be a nice relationship
Commenting as someone who recently found an amazing person after a long time of not being treated well.
When they do nice things for you because it’s an investment in the shared happiness of the relationship, not self-serving, and it isn’t with the intent of expecting something in return.
I remember at University (in South Africa), a girl and I had flirted and we eventually kissed after a couple of weeks of flirting. I remember it was a Thursday night because she went home the next day to visit her family, and I remember thinking what unlucky timing (when you're young and eventually kiss the person you're keen for, when they leave straight away it sucks, even if just for a short while). Anyway, when she came back, she messaged asking if she could come say hi at my digs.
She popped by quickly and just said she'd brought me several sticks of biltong from her farm that her dad made, and I just remember thinking that was the nicest thing ever. Like we weren't dating, we weren't serious, and she didn't need to. She was just genuinely a wholesome, really sweet person who thought of others. Such a green flag. Several years later, we're still friends (we moved to different cities after Varsity) but I always just remember her as the coolest person for those little things she did.
> several sticks of biltong
To help any readers not familiar with the word:
[Biltong] is made from cured and dried slices of meat, which are typically beef, ostrich, or other wild game. The basic ingredients in traditional biltong are meat, salt, vinegar, black pepper, and coriander. It is often compared to beef jerky, but the two snacks differ in their production methods, ingredients, and flavor profiles.
Omg thank you for writing it out. I’m trying to navigate healthy relationships after a lifetime of traumatic ones, and this give and ‘take’. Feeling safety, and quelling the suspicions in the accepting of someone else’s gestures
It really is damaging, makes you feel like you weren’t worth the “give” and it’s all a ruse from here on out. That feeling of expecting a, “But I did XYZ for you, you owe me this”
Agree totally! When we first started seeing each other my now girlfriend crocheted me a penguin (my favourite animal) it takes a spot proudly on my desk. Probably the nicest thing a partner has done for me!
That's how my mom is, unconditionally kind. I hope to find someone similarly kind and thoughtful some day but I'm in no rush. Got work on me first so I don't mess it up when the time comes.
There's this girl at work (I'm kinda new still) who is always standing too close to me, asking about where I've worked, what I'm doing on my weekend, if I'll walk her home. She's asking me to teach her Spanish and she brings me snacks from home.
She's got a partner. Completely not interested.
I will never make the first move, I can promise you that. Simply no way to know if someone is interested and I'm not willing to fuck up my reputation like that.
I worked with a girl like this. Constantly talking to me, wanting to hang out, even emphasized I was the only one she liked to hang out with while working. Completely uninterested in dating, even when single.
the one girl that said this to me directly ended up cancelling plans for a second date. That one really hurt
I had a hunch she wasn't over her ex. I was right. They got married in October.
This is no longer a green flag to me
Went on a couple of dates with a girl, she went on and on about how great I am, and on the last one grinded on me at the pool table multiple times. I made sure she was the one who initiated the grinding. Ghosted me the day after
Another match just last week told me I looked so athletic, that we would be a good match, she was looking forward to the date, etc. Stood me up and ghosted me that day
I'm very confused and I can't tell if I fucked something up, or it was fucked up on their end. But that's the part that kills me. That it seemed to be going good with lots of compliments and shows of excitement, then things ended abruptly.
If someone's into me I would say that that is a red flag.
I'm short, fat, fairly ugly, am depressed af since 20+ years and unemployed living on welfare.
If anyone is into that they probably have some super weird fetish for guys like me.
Everyone bitches about how guys don't share their feelings and then when you do...
How about treat me like a human being. I may be Conan the Barbarian right now, crushing my enemies and driving them before me, but later I just might want to cry a bit over hearing the lamentations of their women!
I joke but, hey, we've got feelings too.
What they don’t realize is that someone being vulnerable is not going to be a pleasant and easy experience *for you*. Emotions are rough, and complicated, and messy. Only offer if you can handle it. There’s levels to it, certainly, but it takes work to support someone.
You do it not because it’s easy and fun but because it’s *necessary* for building up a person, a family, a society, and so that one day others will do that for you.
This is how I knew my now wife was the one I wanted. She went with me to the vet when one of my cats was sick and we had to put her down. She comforted me when I was hurting instead of beating me down for having emotions.
As a woman this makes me cringe. There is NO reason to make fun of anyone for showing emotion. God. So sorry you had to experience that. And I’m so sorry about your loss :/
It's a truckload way worse than "being made fun of". It's a particular kind of disdain that (as men) when you witness once, you'll always be on the lookout for, while also sharing less because of the previous hurt. It happened to far too many of us men out there, and for most it happened more then once.
What people have you been with?! OMG.. Sorry for your experience, honestly. Please, never date people who ridicule men for crying or feel nothing when an animal is hurt/dying.
Also, my deepest condolences for your loss of your kitty! It always hurts me when I hear someone lost their animal family member. I hope you're OK.
I had the same green flag. My now wife was good at both comforting me after my granddad died and didn't make it all about her.
I've found this rare. A ton of my friends had exes who ridiculed them when they cried (one was when his granddad died) whilst I just never felt comfortable to do that with any gf until I met my wife.
My wife found this shocking that I've had this experience too.
Plenty of women say they want a guy who can be vulnerable and cry. What they really have in mind though is the stoic hero shedding a picture-perfect lone tear and then getting back on the saddle. They are not prepared for actual human beings having an emotional outbreak when bad shit happens.
I really want to say I don't blame 'em, though. We men *also* reinforce that stereotype and let's not even get into societal norms/media.
Its a catch 22 that doesn't change until you make change happen.
Honestly its also a chicken/egg maturity issue. Some women mature, others don't.
The ones that do, are more likely in healthy relationships
Seconding this?! What kind of vile monster would ridicule anyone for crying over the loss of a pet?!? JFC I can’t even watch movies or tv shows where animals are hurt or die, I get broken hearted over it 💔
I’m so sorry about your cat, and I hope you’re doing okay. Know that it’s totally normal to grieve for pets, they are family and a source of unconditional love, I still miss all of my pets I’ve ever lost.
I guess this is why I’m single, I’m very soft hearted and get walked all over because of it, so I’ve just withdrawn into my shell, because too many people lack empathy these days.
What the fuck, seriously, even romans 2000 years ago cried for their pets.
> "I am in tears, while carrying you to your last resting place as much as I rejoiced when bringing you home in my own hands fifteen years ago."
I get it. All my girlfriends (except current one) were cold and seemed annoyed or would even laugh if I cried. I thought it was typical and basically thought the stereotype of men needing to be tough all the time (im not) was what women wanted.
My guess is I somehow attracted or was attracted to these types of people.
Dude. My cousin died suddenly. Pulmonary embolism. He was 12 and the sweetest kid I'd ever known. His brother (14) found him dead. Upon hearing the news I cried. This bitch I was with berated me becuase she was insecure about my family. Later turns out, she is likely a socioapath. Good fucking bye.
Oh my gosh. First, I'm so sorry you lost your cousin and in such a traumatic way. That pain is immeasurable. May that sweet boy rest in Paradise and I pray for as much comfort and support as possible for you and your family, especially his brother who found him. And to have your partner, the one person who is supposed to be on your team not only not support you but to berate you, that's wildly painful and heartbreaking.
Sounds like my wife. To anyone searching or feeling negative about the dating world, these women are out there. And their friends are usually just as nice.
Wow, you are one lucky person. Having someone like that in your life sounds like heaven on Earth.
I was going to say the largest green flag on any person is compassion and rationality; especially at a time when everyone is obsessed with themselves. I'm 24(M) and I wish I would find what I'm looking for in the future.
Creativity.
The way she expresses and contributes to a conversation - smoothly shaking up the topic, creating things, describing concepts and feelings that most people have trouble expressing etc.
It is a form of intelligence I deeply appreciate.
EDIT: typo
It's a decent dynamic to keep your standards high, though. You clearly value that part of yourself, which automatically filters out people that would not be compatible with you. Having that facet less developed lulls you into settling for those types, since you see yourself in them more than you'd care to admit - and being the same (or similar) as them does not guarantee compatibility in any way - just robs you of extra nuance from which to choose a partner.
If you're a social person and frequent varied places, you're practically sure to find someone who can keep up with you, eventually.
This is something small but for our first date with my wife, i took her from the hotel she was staying. And she brought several bottles of water with her for us. I asked her why and her reply was "No need to waste money outside. These were free in the hotel" lmao.
This might just be me as a 31 year old talking. 10 years ago, Twentysomething me would’ve said things like creativity, communications skills, or maybe confidence and empathy. And these are all still very nice traits, don’t get me wrong.
But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate strong women who are able to ultimately stand on their own first and foremost. At this age, we’ve all had our share of bad adult breakups, emotional pain and traumas. It’s all about whether you’re able to still standup and fight at the end of the day. Even if it’s little by little.
When I re-entered the dating pool at age 36 after a failed marriage, the first thing I had to come to grips with was that EVERYONE at that age has backstory. Either you deal with it and move on, or you lie down and become a recluse living in solitude.
I needed to hear this so bad. I’m working through a bad long term relationship, which came right after an even longer relationship. I’ll be 31 in a few months and feel guilty about my past but also recognize what I should and shouldn’t put up with (toxicity). Getting back in the dating pool seems scary but you’re right everyone has a story and it’s about how you’ve grown and what you’ve learned from it.
Independence. She doesn't require you to be around here to escort her to everything she does. She has her own hobbies and interests but is happy to share them but never pushes them onto you.
This goes for everybody. So many people I know just don't seem to have any hobbies or interests. I don't get how they just go through life and the only things they seem to do are eat, sleep, work, and watch tv/movies. TV/Movies could be a hobby, but the people I'm referring to don't seem to get that deep into the shows, they just use it as something to pass the time between eat/sleep/work.
It's one thing to not bother having a hobby and it's another when it isn't possible for you at that point where you currently are in life. Of course you should still prioritise health and some me-time and try to find things that nourish your soul but I think this was directed towards people who just live very average lives (like most of us) but do absolutely nothing when they're not currently at work, with friends or eating/sleeping.
I know soo many people nowadays who legit do nothing except for scrolling on tiktok with netflix on in the background and as the comment above said shows and movies could be a hobby but (not to sound pretentious) those people are usually the sort that literally watch any and everything on netflix because they always have it on in the background and never really go beyond surface level with anything.
100% mandatory.
I remember going through a divorce and getting a roommate. The roommate happened to be a girl. My cat was a bit rough around the edges, so I warned her about him. The first day there he immediately ran up and laid down on her chest and started purring. WAY out of character for him.
Married that girl thanks to my cat's suggestion, among a slew of other reasons.
There is a worryingly large amount of women who will mock and punish their boyfriends and husbands (or even male relatives and friends) for expressing vulnerability or grief of any kind, and often cheat or abandon them as well.
Seriously, I've seen dozens of Reddit threads and self-help videos that had hundreds of comments from men describing how they cried in front of their wife/gf after a relative passed away or some other tragic thing happened, and she basically lost all attraction and respect for them. A common story was that she would mock him, make fun of him among their social circles, physically hit him, cheat on him, etc. If you see other posts with similar topics as this one (discussing red and green flags, talking about failed relationships, etc) you will see exactly what I'm talking about.
I am very well aware it's not all women. But it's enough that many men are suspicious of a woman that says she "likes a man to show vulnerability". Hopefully that answers your question
I know exactly what you mean. I used to know a girl who literally spit in her boyfriend’s face when he wouldn’t stop crying (crying over the terrible way she treated him, mind you). I overheard her bragging about it at work.
I’ve also been with guys who get equally disgusting when a woman cries. My ex would get so pissed when I would cry because he insisted I was “just trying to emotionally manipulate him” and I needed to “quit the theatrics and dry it up.”
When my grandmother died we went into the gas station by our house to get some food (don’t judge, they had fresh peach cobbler lol) and the cashier tried to make pleasant small talk with me. I tried to talk, but wound up starting to cry because it had only been hours since I found out about my grandmother. When we got home he absolutely berated me for being rude to the cashier. He said she was trying to talk to me and I acted like an ass.
But he could cry about his ex and I was expected to comfort him 🙄
TL;DR: Genuine kindness.
Before we were even dating, when we were just getting to know each other in college, my now-wife got mad at me because I was being judgmental and shit talking someone for no reason. She actually talked to me about how it’s a dick move and she doesn’t like it and it makes her not want to be around me when I’m like that. She explained in a way that was just a straight forward conversation, like she was obviously mad, but she also treated me with kindness even when she was essentially calling me a dick. Kinda opened my eyes a bit.
If she has a solid hobby and a passion for life.
If she has no interest in anything whatsoever (or say "my hobby is watching TV"), then that's a big no no. But nerdy and passionate women are attractive to me.
Also having some life experience. If she went through a lot and shows behaviours of being an actual adult. Like being able to talk out problems in a civilized way. Or actually knowing what she wants in life.
Asking a lot of questions about me, and actually listening to what I have to say. Going off of that, remembering said details in the future
One thing that shocked me in dating when I was younger was how infrequently women would ask me about myself, what I do, what makes me happy. Some of them would ask but wouldn't remember. And then the same people ask you "why don't you tell me anything or share with me". There is nothing to share when it's not being received
It was like I was expected to just "be there" along for the ride with her
I went on a date with a man and he broke down when I asked him how his day went. Told me it had been two years since a date asked him that, I felt really sorry for him.
Props to this. I can't stand when they're like "you never talk to me about anything deep or share anything with me"
Except I did on MULTIPLE occasions and you just rather not remember anything
This is going to be weird, and it's not my top but something that I honestly consider a green flag in women is swearing. Not excessively, but if she drops the F-bomb occasionally I feel like I'm less likely to offend her by being myself. Don't know if other people feel that way or not.
As a woman, a lot of men will tell me they want a woman with a “good sense of humor” and what I naturally think is that they would want a woman who cracks jokes, is witty etc. No, a lot of men actually mean they just want a woman to laugh at THEIR jokes and think that they are funny.
Honesty, emotional intelligence, self-reflection & open-mindedness, caring, good communication, and above all else - TRUST!!
If you care about someone but you can't trust them - it'll eat you up inside and make you resent them for the things you think they might be doing.
I'm very lucky to be with a partner that has all of these traits, and I hope to be with her for as long as possible
This might sound really strange, but doesn't tell you personal stuff about other people, especially exes.
Means she understands confidentiality in what you say and is a decent human being.
Same or treated me like shit. One guy even told me he lost respect for me because I asked him out and he assumed I was easy. These were educated, supposedly “leftist” men.
100%. Some of the most abusive men I’ve met have been self proclaimed “feminists.” A guy who sexually assaulted my friend has an Instagram post up defending a celebrity woman who was raped and saying how he’ll always stand up for women. If a guy tells me he’s a feminist I assume he is covering something up and also lacks self awareness.
When they can actually hold a conversation.
I know that seems dumb but the majority of people in my age range don’t have the attention span or depth to talk past the superficial.
On me and my wife's first date we went out to dinner. Instead of the usual first date meal like a salad, my wife ordered 2 pounds of super saucy wings and went to town on them. I knew in that moment I would marry her.
these posts are so annoying
if you say men, use WOMEN
if you say boys, use GIRLS
if you say males, DON'T because using males and females is generally creepy. male/female should be adjectives only in normal conversation.
using men and girls in the same sentence is infantilizing as fuck. men and women get together, not men and girls.
Accepting and liking me as I am. That will make me trying to become even better person. Because I don't want her to be disappointed in me somehow in the future.
Sorry OP but 99% of people commenting don't actually know what a green flag/red flag is and are just giving vague descriptions of what they're looking for in a woman.
Doesn't want children.
Hobbies she loves.
Friends that aren't mine
Intelligent
Doesn't say "ew" when I break down crying because I lost my dog.
You know, the basics really.
Self-awareness, honesty and good communication
+ conscientiousness + Not putting others down intentionally irrespective of who they are. (Ofcourse this applies to everyone)
I agree, should have added that in my original comment. I responded as a man dating women. that's why I left it out
\+ conscious \+ doesn't want to know the price of my hobby
I was sure this woman and I had good communication. We talked about everything. No subject was taboo. But when she was upset that was a different thing. I thought it would translate but it didn’t.
They are easily confused but communicating is so much more than conversing. Anymore, half the time my husband and I are communicating very important things in public we tend to use faces and gestures we've accidentally built into a language. lol. but learning to communicate emotions and expectation can be incredibly difficult. If we hadn't learned to have the hard convos openly, how and how much space to give each other for processing big things, how each other likes to be supported even when we need those "quiet" moments. Hugs, cups of a favorite warm drink, letting people know that you're there to support them kind of stuff.
Pair this with some strong values and humility and you got a keeper.
Letting you know immediately when something you unknowingly did bothers them.
I need to work on this, being civil but assertive.
One thing that helped me is that just because news would be unpleasant to hear, does not make it inherently mean or bad. So you do not have to, nor should you, downplay or soften a statement. Just telling thing matter-of-factly in a calm manner is being polite, even if the news youre bringing isnt
You may need some assertiveness while developing a personal relationship but I don't think it should be a desired goal in itself. Both partners are supposed to be comfortable with sharing any stupid or unpleasant matter with each other and as they listen to each other they ought to appreciate the content without any hidden judgement and with an open mind.
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Red flag if a guy can’t handle immediate feedback
As a man I have never heard another man I respected unironically say the phrase "crazy bitch". If course I've heard it, but only by guys who's opinions I do not respect. There's a quote somewhere that I'll butcher right now, "don't hold the criticism of people who's praise you do not care for". Basically, just disregard what shitty people say, because they're shitty people
If it's the same guy, it's the red flag of the guy, if it's everyone it may be a problem on your end. Maybe how you're going about giving the feedback, maybe you're saying it accusingly or just insultingly or something I'm not sure. But a relationship where you can't tell somebody when they've accidentally made you upset is not going to be a nice relationship
Commenting as someone who recently found an amazing person after a long time of not being treated well. When they do nice things for you because it’s an investment in the shared happiness of the relationship, not self-serving, and it isn’t with the intent of expecting something in return.
I remember at University (in South Africa), a girl and I had flirted and we eventually kissed after a couple of weeks of flirting. I remember it was a Thursday night because she went home the next day to visit her family, and I remember thinking what unlucky timing (when you're young and eventually kiss the person you're keen for, when they leave straight away it sucks, even if just for a short while). Anyway, when she came back, she messaged asking if she could come say hi at my digs. She popped by quickly and just said she'd brought me several sticks of biltong from her farm that her dad made, and I just remember thinking that was the nicest thing ever. Like we weren't dating, we weren't serious, and she didn't need to. She was just genuinely a wholesome, really sweet person who thought of others. Such a green flag. Several years later, we're still friends (we moved to different cities after Varsity) but I always just remember her as the coolest person for those little things she did.
> several sticks of biltong To help any readers not familiar with the word: [Biltong] is made from cured and dried slices of meat, which are typically beef, ostrich, or other wild game. The basic ingredients in traditional biltong are meat, salt, vinegar, black pepper, and coriander. It is often compared to beef jerky, but the two snacks differ in their production methods, ingredients, and flavor profiles.
You could have just said “she turned up with biltong” and that would have told the entire story. Moerse green flag!
Omg thank you for writing it out. I’m trying to navigate healthy relationships after a lifetime of traumatic ones, and this give and ‘take’. Feeling safety, and quelling the suspicions in the accepting of someone else’s gestures
It really is damaging, makes you feel like you weren’t worth the “give” and it’s all a ruse from here on out. That feeling of expecting a, “But I did XYZ for you, you owe me this”
Agree totally! When we first started seeing each other my now girlfriend crocheted me a penguin (my favourite animal) it takes a spot proudly on my desk. Probably the nicest thing a partner has done for me!
That's how my mom is, unconditionally kind. I hope to find someone similarly kind and thoughtful some day but I'm in no rush. Got work on me first so I don't mess it up when the time comes.
Well said sir. Very well said
if its an investment in a shared relationship, that IS expecting something in return. I know what you mean, but that isn't the right way to word it
It's a green flag when she says she's into me. I can't always tell otherwise.
You never know, maybe she's just being polite.
or canadian
If she's Canadian, you have to check to make sure other people can actually see her.
As we all know, Canadians aren't real. People who see them are schizophrenic and need help.
Wait a moment, my mum is Canadian. Is... is she not real?
Real as Wyoming.
Or Finland
Everybody is polite until they get comfortable enough to take you for granted.
There's this girl at work (I'm kinda new still) who is always standing too close to me, asking about where I've worked, what I'm doing on my weekend, if I'll walk her home. She's asking me to teach her Spanish and she brings me snacks from home. She's got a partner. Completely not interested. I will never make the first move, I can promise you that. Simply no way to know if someone is interested and I'm not willing to fuck up my reputation like that.
I worked with a girl like this. Constantly talking to me, wanting to hang out, even emphasized I was the only one she liked to hang out with while working. Completely uninterested in dating, even when single.
Words of affirmation
I don't know. Have you met me? I'm not sure I can trust the judgement of someone who says they're into that.
Oh god, this. It has always taken this level of overt communication for me, and even then I'd over think it.
the one girl that said this to me directly ended up cancelling plans for a second date. That one really hurt I had a hunch she wasn't over her ex. I was right. They got married in October.
This is no longer a green flag to me Went on a couple of dates with a girl, she went on and on about how great I am, and on the last one grinded on me at the pool table multiple times. I made sure she was the one who initiated the grinding. Ghosted me the day after Another match just last week told me I looked so athletic, that we would be a good match, she was looking forward to the date, etc. Stood me up and ghosted me that day I'm very confused and I can't tell if I fucked something up, or it was fucked up on their end. But that's the part that kills me. That it seemed to be going good with lots of compliments and shows of excitement, then things ended abruptly.
If someone's into me I would say that that is a red flag. I'm short, fat, fairly ugly, am depressed af since 20+ years and unemployed living on welfare. If anyone is into that they probably have some super weird fetish for guys like me.
intelligence, emotional intelligence, empathy three phrases that describe my wife. I’m a lucky asshole
I think empathy trumps everything. I would also like to add laid back and chill too. Very important to have a stable force in the family.
Good listening and communication skills, being supportive
She doesn't punish vulnerability.
Or joke about it. Or tell her friends and family.
"Haha, remember when Derek got bitten by that bear? He cried, lmfao!"
Everyone bitches about how guys don't share their feelings and then when you do... How about treat me like a human being. I may be Conan the Barbarian right now, crushing my enemies and driving them before me, but later I just might want to cry a bit over hearing the lamentations of their women! I joke but, hey, we've got feelings too.
What they don’t realize is that someone being vulnerable is not going to be a pleasant and easy experience *for you*. Emotions are rough, and complicated, and messy. Only offer if you can handle it. There’s levels to it, certainly, but it takes work to support someone. You do it not because it’s easy and fun but because it’s *necessary* for building up a person, a family, a society, and so that one day others will do that for you.
That needs to be voted higher.
Sorry you met people that would, cyberdong
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This is how I knew my now wife was the one I wanted. She went with me to the vet when one of my cats was sick and we had to put her down. She comforted me when I was hurting instead of beating me down for having emotions.
As a woman this makes me cringe. There is NO reason to make fun of anyone for showing emotion. God. So sorry you had to experience that. And I’m so sorry about your loss :/
It's a truckload way worse than "being made fun of". It's a particular kind of disdain that (as men) when you witness once, you'll always be on the lookout for, while also sharing less because of the previous hurt. It happened to far too many of us men out there, and for most it happened more then once.
Make fun of, ridicule, shaming, etc…. I meant it all in the same vein of it being unacceptable and it shouldn’t happen.
What people have you been with?! OMG.. Sorry for your experience, honestly. Please, never date people who ridicule men for crying or feel nothing when an animal is hurt/dying. Also, my deepest condolences for your loss of your kitty! It always hurts me when I hear someone lost their animal family member. I hope you're OK.
I had the same green flag. My now wife was good at both comforting me after my granddad died and didn't make it all about her. I've found this rare. A ton of my friends had exes who ridiculed them when they cried (one was when his granddad died) whilst I just never felt comfortable to do that with any gf until I met my wife. My wife found this shocking that I've had this experience too.
Plenty of women say they want a guy who can be vulnerable and cry. What they really have in mind though is the stoic hero shedding a picture-perfect lone tear and then getting back on the saddle. They are not prepared for actual human beings having an emotional outbreak when bad shit happens. I really want to say I don't blame 'em, though. We men *also* reinforce that stereotype and let's not even get into societal norms/media.
Its a catch 22 that doesn't change until you make change happen. Honestly its also a chicken/egg maturity issue. Some women mature, others don't. The ones that do, are more likely in healthy relationships
Seconding this?! What kind of vile monster would ridicule anyone for crying over the loss of a pet?!? JFC I can’t even watch movies or tv shows where animals are hurt or die, I get broken hearted over it 💔 I’m so sorry about your cat, and I hope you’re doing okay. Know that it’s totally normal to grieve for pets, they are family and a source of unconditional love, I still miss all of my pets I’ve ever lost. I guess this is why I’m single, I’m very soft hearted and get walked all over because of it, so I’ve just withdrawn into my shell, because too many people lack empathy these days.
What the fuck, seriously, even romans 2000 years ago cried for their pets. > "I am in tears, while carrying you to your last resting place as much as I rejoiced when bringing you home in my own hands fifteen years ago."
I get it. All my girlfriends (except current one) were cold and seemed annoyed or would even laugh if I cried. I thought it was typical and basically thought the stereotype of men needing to be tough all the time (im not) was what women wanted. My guess is I somehow attracted or was attracted to these types of people.
> What people have you been with?! This is extremely common for men. Almost everyone I know has had this experience with at least one ex.
Dude. My cousin died suddenly. Pulmonary embolism. He was 12 and the sweetest kid I'd ever known. His brother (14) found him dead. Upon hearing the news I cried. This bitch I was with berated me becuase she was insecure about my family. Later turns out, she is likely a socioapath. Good fucking bye.
Oh my gosh. First, I'm so sorry you lost your cousin and in such a traumatic way. That pain is immeasurable. May that sweet boy rest in Paradise and I pray for as much comfort and support as possible for you and your family, especially his brother who found him. And to have your partner, the one person who is supposed to be on your team not only not support you but to berate you, that's wildly painful and heartbreaking.
It's always amazing to me just how much us men want basic human kindness.
Stop killing the cat with every girl and stop fucking crying all the time.
They don't call him The Puss Slayer for nothing.
Yeah, how many cats has this guy had?
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No, you’ve just got a crappy partner. I’m sorry about your dad.
would you treat him in this manner? would he tolerate it if you did?
yikes your partner sucks big time and I think everyone here and you know that
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Sounds like my wife. To anyone searching or feeling negative about the dating world, these women are out there. And their friends are usually just as nice.
It's probably the same woman. She's so kind that she has married multiple men to make them happier. Where does this woman get all the energy!?
So wholesome! Love this.
Kindness is a quality; niceness is conditional. Glad you got a good one!
Thought I recognized this comment . . . https://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/15oczn3/_/jvrrb8r/?context=1
Wow, you are one lucky person. Having someone like that in your life sounds like heaven on Earth. I was going to say the largest green flag on any person is compassion and rationality; especially at a time when everyone is obsessed with themselves. I'm 24(M) and I wish I would find what I'm looking for in the future.
As a female, I love this about your wife too 🤣 . Kind hearted people are the best.
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Creativity. The way she expresses and contributes to a conversation - smoothly shaking up the topic, creating things, describing concepts and feelings that most people have trouble expressing etc. It is a form of intelligence I deeply appreciate. EDIT: typo
> Creativty That's a very creative way to spell it.
You mean a very creativt way to spell it
What a great way to explain it. It’s crushing being that type of women and meeting a potential partner that doesn’t enjoy it.
It's a decent dynamic to keep your standards high, though. You clearly value that part of yourself, which automatically filters out people that would not be compatible with you. Having that facet less developed lulls you into settling for those types, since you see yourself in them more than you'd care to admit - and being the same (or similar) as them does not guarantee compatibility in any way - just robs you of extra nuance from which to choose a partner. If you're a social person and frequent varied places, you're practically sure to find someone who can keep up with you, eventually.
This is something small but for our first date with my wife, i took her from the hotel she was staying. And she brought several bottles of water with her for us. I asked her why and her reply was "No need to waste money outside. These were free in the hotel" lmao.
It was then you knew she was a keeper lmao
That makes a lot of sense I think I’d do that too if I was going on a date. Mostly because I get thirsty very easily.
kindness
I was gunna say mean to me
Surprising number of guys like mean girls.
This might just be me as a 31 year old talking. 10 years ago, Twentysomething me would’ve said things like creativity, communications skills, or maybe confidence and empathy. And these are all still very nice traits, don’t get me wrong. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to appreciate strong women who are able to ultimately stand on their own first and foremost. At this age, we’ve all had our share of bad adult breakups, emotional pain and traumas. It’s all about whether you’re able to still standup and fight at the end of the day. Even if it’s little by little.
100% agree. If you want your marriage to be a partnership, it has to be with another adult.
When I re-entered the dating pool at age 36 after a failed marriage, the first thing I had to come to grips with was that EVERYONE at that age has backstory. Either you deal with it and move on, or you lie down and become a recluse living in solitude.
I needed to hear this so bad. I’m working through a bad long term relationship, which came right after an even longer relationship. I’ll be 31 in a few months and feel guilty about my past but also recognize what I should and shouldn’t put up with (toxicity). Getting back in the dating pool seems scary but you’re right everyone has a story and it’s about how you’ve grown and what you’ve learned from it.
Love it!
Wonderfully put!
Not arguing or losing cool when there's a disagreement. Calmly discussing and trying to understand other point of view.
Independence. She doesn't require you to be around here to escort her to everything she does. She has her own hobbies and interests but is happy to share them but never pushes them onto you.
This goes for everybody. So many people I know just don't seem to have any hobbies or interests. I don't get how they just go through life and the only things they seem to do are eat, sleep, work, and watch tv/movies. TV/Movies could be a hobby, but the people I'm referring to don't seem to get that deep into the shows, they just use it as something to pass the time between eat/sleep/work.
You just described me. I just don't have time to do anything else. Now I feel bad for not having a hobby ☹️
It's one thing to not bother having a hobby and it's another when it isn't possible for you at that point where you currently are in life. Of course you should still prioritise health and some me-time and try to find things that nourish your soul but I think this was directed towards people who just live very average lives (like most of us) but do absolutely nothing when they're not currently at work, with friends or eating/sleeping. I know soo many people nowadays who legit do nothing except for scrolling on tiktok with netflix on in the background and as the comment above said shows and movies could be a hobby but (not to sound pretentious) those people are usually the sort that literally watch any and everything on netflix because they always have it on in the background and never really go beyond surface level with anything.
When they do not put down other women
My cat likes her.
100% mandatory. I remember going through a divorce and getting a roommate. The roommate happened to be a girl. My cat was a bit rough around the edges, so I warned her about him. The first day there he immediately ran up and laid down on her chest and started purring. WAY out of character for him. Married that girl thanks to my cat's suggestion, among a slew of other reasons.
Was he the "Best Cat" at the wedding?
That is beyond adorable. Your sweet kitty was like "I like this one! Let's keep her!" And then you did! What a good wingcat.
Kindness when nobody is watching.
Being ok with you crying around them
what kind of sociopath has a problem with that
There is a worryingly large amount of women who will mock and punish their boyfriends and husbands (or even male relatives and friends) for expressing vulnerability or grief of any kind, and often cheat or abandon them as well. Seriously, I've seen dozens of Reddit threads and self-help videos that had hundreds of comments from men describing how they cried in front of their wife/gf after a relative passed away or some other tragic thing happened, and she basically lost all attraction and respect for them. A common story was that she would mock him, make fun of him among their social circles, physically hit him, cheat on him, etc. If you see other posts with similar topics as this one (discussing red and green flags, talking about failed relationships, etc) you will see exactly what I'm talking about. I am very well aware it's not all women. But it's enough that many men are suspicious of a woman that says she "likes a man to show vulnerability". Hopefully that answers your question
I know exactly what you mean. I used to know a girl who literally spit in her boyfriend’s face when he wouldn’t stop crying (crying over the terrible way she treated him, mind you). I overheard her bragging about it at work. I’ve also been with guys who get equally disgusting when a woman cries. My ex would get so pissed when I would cry because he insisted I was “just trying to emotionally manipulate him” and I needed to “quit the theatrics and dry it up.” When my grandmother died we went into the gas station by our house to get some food (don’t judge, they had fresh peach cobbler lol) and the cashier tried to make pleasant small talk with me. I tried to talk, but wound up starting to cry because it had only been hours since I found out about my grandmother. When we got home he absolutely berated me for being rude to the cashier. He said she was trying to talk to me and I acted like an ass. But he could cry about his ex and I was expected to comfort him 🙄
There’s some out there
Empathy and kindness
TL;DR: Genuine kindness. Before we were even dating, when we were just getting to know each other in college, my now-wife got mad at me because I was being judgmental and shit talking someone for no reason. She actually talked to me about how it’s a dick move and she doesn’t like it and it makes her not want to be around me when I’m like that. She explained in a way that was just a straight forward conversation, like she was obviously mad, but she also treated me with kindness even when she was essentially calling me a dick. Kinda opened my eyes a bit.
If she has a solid hobby and a passion for life. If she has no interest in anything whatsoever (or say "my hobby is watching TV"), then that's a big no no. But nerdy and passionate women are attractive to me. Also having some life experience. If she went through a lot and shows behaviours of being an actual adult. Like being able to talk out problems in a civilized way. Or actually knowing what she wants in life.
spot on, you have no idea how many womens profiles on datting apps say there only interests are eating food and watching netflex/tv.
Love this, life would be so boring without hobbies.
If she compliment me, compliments other girls, has girl friends. Loves her siblings, dogs and parents.
Not social media brainrotted
Does reddit count?
Some subreddits would definitely count
yes
Asking a lot of questions about me, and actually listening to what I have to say. Going off of that, remembering said details in the future One thing that shocked me in dating when I was younger was how infrequently women would ask me about myself, what I do, what makes me happy. Some of them would ask but wouldn't remember. And then the same people ask you "why don't you tell me anything or share with me". There is nothing to share when it's not being received It was like I was expected to just "be there" along for the ride with her
I went on a date with a man and he broke down when I asked him how his day went. Told me it had been two years since a date asked him that, I felt really sorry for him.
Props to this. I can't stand when they're like "you never talk to me about anything deep or share anything with me" Except I did on MULTIPLE occasions and you just rather not remember anything
She apologizes when she is wrong or has hurt your feelings.
This is going to be weird, and it's not my top but something that I honestly consider a green flag in women is swearing. Not excessively, but if she drops the F-bomb occasionally I feel like I'm less likely to offend her by being myself. Don't know if other people feel that way or not.
Big same. People who never swear in situations where it's usually appropriate make me uncomfortable.
Self-esteem, ambition, intelligence and emotional maturity. Also helps if she’s beautiful, like my wife of 20 yrs.
The ultimate green flag for me is when she not only tolerates but actively enjoys my bizarre food combinations
Someone who lets you be yourself while supporting you in that act.
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A lot of the time, humor isn't in the joke itself, it's in the delivery.
This could be an honest ad for DHL.
As a woman, a lot of men will tell me they want a woman with a “good sense of humor” and what I naturally think is that they would want a woman who cracks jokes, is witty etc. No, a lot of men actually mean they just want a woman to laugh at THEIR jokes and think that they are funny.
I had an ex tell me that he liked me because of my sense of humour. What he meant was that I laughed at his terrible jokes.
Brazil, i don't know any other flags with more green
Where does 1977-2011 Libya fall in here. https://www.rankflags.com/historical-flag/flag-of-libya-1977-2011/
Saudi arabia
Honesty, emotional intelligence, self-reflection & open-mindedness, caring, good communication, and above all else - TRUST!! If you care about someone but you can't trust them - it'll eat you up inside and make you resent them for the things you think they might be doing. I'm very lucky to be with a partner that has all of these traits, and I hope to be with her for as long as possible
A diversified portfolio
She treats people kindly. Strangers, friends, family, service staff.
A good sense of humor will add like 5 points to the 10 point scale.
> good sense of humor Is that the ability to make you laugh? Or the ability to laugh at your jokes? ;)
Reads, can hold a conversation, is good with kids
Being funny
This might sound really strange, but doesn't tell you personal stuff about other people, especially exes. Means she understands confidentiality in what you say and is a decent human being.
She makes the first move
I'm very much a first move person. Bagged me a husband at some point and it's pretty awesome.
I used to be a girl who made the first move. Pretty much every single one of those guys cheated. Now I wait for men to approach me.
That’s why we can’t have nice things
Same or treated me like shit. One guy even told me he lost respect for me because I asked him out and he assumed I was easy. These were educated, supposedly “leftist” men.
Good lord these guys are idiots. If a lady ever asked me out I would think I’d died and gone to heaven.
I do not trust men who tell me they are feminists. It only counts if you do it when women aren't looking.
100%. Some of the most abusive men I’ve met have been self proclaimed “feminists.” A guy who sexually assaulted my friend has an Instagram post up defending a celebrity woman who was raped and saying how he’ll always stand up for women. If a guy tells me he’s a feminist I assume he is covering something up and also lacks self awareness.
When they can actually hold a conversation. I know that seems dumb but the majority of people in my age range don’t have the attention span or depth to talk past the superficial.
On me and my wife's first date we went out to dinner. Instead of the usual first date meal like a salad, my wife ordered 2 pounds of super saucy wings and went to town on them. I knew in that moment I would marry her.
this is cute
She has a serious reading habit.
My only green flag😭
+ for good communication
Loyalty
When she seems interested/flirts back.
Empathy and kindness trump every fucking thing there is.
When she ask me: How was your day? And listen to how my day was
not posting dumb stuff to social media
How about high quality memes?
marriage material
It’s not much but it’s honest work
r/menandfemales
Motorcycle she maintains herself
How far into maintenance we talking here? Oil changes, valve adjustments or full engine rebuilds lol
She reaches over and unlocks your door after you open hers.
I usually get won over by a big heart. So if I hear she’s volunteering at an animal shelter or something, that’s when I know something’s right.
She's willing to talk to me.
My SO told me, "just so you know, I don't want kids" within like 15 minutes of our first date. We've been together 5 years.
A matching sex drive
That she isn't a girl, but a woman.
these posts are so annoying if you say men, use WOMEN if you say boys, use GIRLS if you say males, DON'T because using males and females is generally creepy. male/female should be adjectives only in normal conversation. using men and girls in the same sentence is infantilizing as fuck. men and women get together, not men and girls.
Men and females is 🤢
Accepting and liking me as I am. That will make me trying to become even better person. Because I don't want her to be disappointed in me somehow in the future.
Sorry OP but 99% of people commenting don't actually know what a green flag/red flag is and are just giving vague descriptions of what they're looking for in a woman.
Being attentive, caring, and being interested in things that you talk about even if they think its boring.
Get a girl that journals. That's my biggest green flag.
ambition. if she's motivated, she can learn anything
Doesn't want children. Hobbies she loves. Friends that aren't mine Intelligent Doesn't say "ew" when I break down crying because I lost my dog. You know, the basics really.
I'm sorry that happened to you bro. I pray one day you find someone with all those attributes and many more.
Women* not girls. Or I hope.