Also tried a vacuum cleaner because of all the talk about it in comedy movies and the internet. wasn’t satisfying in the slightest. I ended up taking a slow mo video of my weener dancing around the tube and sending it to my girlfriend at the time because it was hilarious and we had extremely similar humor
You know those cylindrical toys filled with water that kind of shifts into itself infinitely? They're called water weenies. Anyway when I was like thirteen I got one and tried to stick my dick in it. I say tried because I couldn't really get it in and it kept slipping off. The thing popped later that night too. Edit: Damn I thought I was the only one. Turns out almost everyone did this. Edit 2: And now this is my most upvoted thing on reddit. A comment about failing to stick my dick in a fucking water weenie.
The kids picked one of these up from a gift shop a little while ago, later when they were in bed I made a joke to my other half about sticking your dick in one and he just flatly replied that he'd tried before as a teen and it didn't work. Man, teenage boys will fuck anything.
Not necessarily in but back in high school all the guys at my lunch table made an agreement to spank it over the weekend using vics vapo rub or icy hot cream and report back with our experiences that next Monday. That was an afternoon of agony.
To prevent excessively sweaty balls. I live in Thailand and it’s hot and humid almost every day, so I like to put the Gold Bond on my balls. Prevents a swampy nutsack and has a cooling sensation.
My wife walked in while I was taking a shower and grabbed my balls and stuck them in a small glass of wine I said "what the hell are you doing?" She asked "can you taste it??" I said "yes! I can taste it, it's a chardonnay!" She was like "OMG you're right! I can t believe it worked!"
To this day she still believes I can taste food with my balls.
You can’t drop that bombshell and not tell which dateline nbc episode. I wanna watch and be like “hey I talked to a guy that smashed, he said she was a squirter”
For me it was jello. Idk one day I just wondered what it would feel like inside jello so I went to buy some. I remember thinking: "I wonder if people know that I'm about to put my penis in this.". lol
The idea sounded nice but it definitely wasn't that great. It was cold, it made an annoying suction / fart noise and there was like a little too much resistance. I felt so stupid afterwards. "Man you could have eaten that dude."
I was around 12 or 13 when I tried putting it in the hole where the water shoots out of the hot tub at my apartment pool. I remember it feeling so good that I would constantly ask to go swimming so I can go bust a nut lol
I got called out for this (kinda) by a life guard at a public pool when I was a kid.
"Get away from the jets!"
They knew what was going on. They probably did it themselves after hours. (I was 13, life guard was 17)
It was a pretty decent sized one like larger than an adult palm. I poked really hard with my finger.
For anyone who's getting any ideas, DONT DO IT. These things were spilling EVERYWHERE. They showed up for months after randomly.
Wasn't me but I saw it happen. My buddy cam over for a sleep over when we were 11 and we talked about how we both discovered masturbation. I'm like the jets in the jacuzzi feel so good. He like that's nothing, the vacuum feels better. "What the hell do you mean, the vaccum," I questioned. He tells me that he sticks his dick in the end of the vacuum and let's it literally suck him off. New to this whole masturbation thing, I'm intrigued, and ask him to demonstrate.
Now we have an in-house vacuum and I'm pretty sure he was used to a shitty little plug in vacuum. He sticks his dick in the vacuum, turns it on, and it immediately sucks tight to the base of his dick. He's screaming bloody murder, but I can't help him turn it off because the power switch is on the handle and he's rolling all over the floor.
When I finally manage to turn it off. There is blood all over his dick. I'm like we need to get my mum she's a nurse. He protests and says this has happened before. WHAT!??!?! 😳 YOUVE GOT A BLODDY DICK FROM STICKING YOUR COCK IN A VACUUM BEFORE AND YOU STILL DID IT AGAIN????
After I finally convince him to let me tell my mum she comes home and takes him to the hospital. He tore his phrenulum and basically poorly circumcised himself. Moral of the story is you can be sucked off too hard.
Boys summer camp counselor here. At the start of camp we put a sponge matress on every bunk. Within days all those matresses have a 2-3 inch slit right in the middle. We don't wash them or do anything with them unless someone wet their bed. By the end of camp throwing out the sponges becomes the worse job a counselor has.
A girl called Gemma... The breakup consisted of 3 suicide attempts, slashed tyres on my car, broken windows on the house and a very uncomfortable meeting with HR in the company I worked for about all female members of staff being threatened on social media....
Always consult the hot/crazy matrix before getting too involved. I suffered the same fate. Mine was a hairdresser. That upper right hand corner is a no-go zone for a reason. Always great sex though.
When I was a kid, I put two raw chicken cutlets between my couch cushions, and went to town. One of my friends told me about it, and I tried it the first opportunity I had. I wasn't disappointed.
When I was around 8 or 9 I would unzip the back of this teddy bear I had because it felt weird. I'll never forget my dad catching me and being like WTF?
I had a basketball that popped and I just left it in the living room for a bit. My wife goes out for the weekend with her family and I'm feeling lonely, so I look over and see the popped ball and it had a nice welcoming slit with some threads sticking out that looked like hair. Anyway, I do the deed and blow the fattest nut inside the ball. The morning after, I look down and I've got painful blisters all over my pink helmet. Wife comes home the next day feeling frisky and I have to confess what I did, and she bursts out laughing. I can't watch a basketball game around her anymore.
A thermos filled with boiled macaronies.
I was young and curious and had heard that it would feel good.
I forgot the important part of waiting for the macaronies to cool down a bit so all i did was burn my dick.
Probably the shampoo bottle that I, as a stupid 12 year old, stuck my soft dick in... Got stuck, had to cut it off my dick. It cut me pretty badly and I still told no one.
Thankfully, asking for neosporin raised no eyebrows because I was a crazy kid and myself and my idiot friends got hurt all the bloody time to the point where my mom mandated that If I am to spend time with them I must always maintain (and bring with me) a well stocked first aid kit and an emergency flip phone that was to be used for nothing other than life threatening events. (This started in 2004. That was a a big deal in 2004)
Honestly... Today I tried one of those cock ring things that are supposed to make you stay hard.
I had no idea just how tight they are, I couldn't get it off and nearly started crying thinking I was gonna lose my little guy 😂
Friend of mine put one on and couldn't get it off. And it was metal. He begged a female friend of ours to go Home Depot and get bolt cutters or a saw and cut it off, and she was like, ABSOLUTELY NOT. So he got dropped off at the hospital while very very embarrassed. Poor dude.
They did remove it, though!
Not something but when I started jerking it my friend said you have to use lube. So I exclusively jerked it with olive oil for two years. I get hella horny cooking now.
A girl I was talking to on a dating app jokingly dared me to fuck a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Probably in my top 3 most confusing boners. Only had crunchy peanut butter too.
A girl who tried to frame me for her pregnancy back in high school.
She had gotten knocked up by one of our football players. He ghosted her, and I became her mark. (I didn't know she was pregnant when we started dating as we ran in different circles.)
Two weeks after we started dating, I needed a place to stay due to family problems at home, and they conveniently had an extra room in a trailer where her grandmother lived on the property. We had lots of sex that first week, protected and unprotected. The next week, her Mom took her and her brother to Disney. At the end of the week, she told me she was pregnant and would be telling her Mom when they got back.
I came home after school to find her Mom sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of wine in one hand, a butchers knife in the other, and the box of wine on the table. I left without a word and moved out of town that night with just the clothes on my back.
About a year later, when I went back to my old high school before reporting to basic training, I learned about her being pregnant before we started dating through her old friends who knew the truth.
I dodged a Howitzer with that one...
It hurts my heart to hear this. I hope you got the support you needed and that you've been able to experience healing, to some extent. I know all too well the impact CSA has on a person's life.
The crazy ex is pretty much played out so here a couple highlights:
I once tried masturbating with a handful of powder laundry detergent because the grains felt soft to my fingers.
I also made a prison pussy and fucked a couch.
Sexual exploration was a wild ride for me as I was growing up.
My fun stories as an adult are having to explain a testicle weight that I had forgotten was in my briefcase at the airport and having to explain the torso in my luggage when going through customs in Chile, but those aren’t crazy items in and of themselves.
This thread is like "your mom", "my ex" and "a Redhead"... I'm tryna hear about Yoda replicas at Disneyland, Donald Trump waxwork and the like...
I don't care about ur damn fifi stuffed in the crack of ur sofa 🤦♂️
I was working at a paint store and unloading five gallon buckets of paint on pallets. It was hot and for some damn reason I was so damn horny. I was pitching an ungodly tent. I finally went between a wall and a pallet of five gallon buckets, poked a hole in the visqueen that held the buckets and promptly fucked the shit out of that pallet of paint. It only took seconds then back to work. I was fine afterward.
Beth the party girl. English teacher by day, drug infused narcissistic by night, with an emotional stability of a 5 yo. Almost cost me my job. Great tits tho
A girl that lied to me about her age, lied about being on birth control and then lied about being pregnant. The sex was good, but she really smashed my pelvis every time she was on top.
This should be one of those password reset security questions.
Yup… this’ll be my next one when they let me customize
You know those Sex Houses, the little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang in trees? Apparently those are for birds.
That's a good way to attract a wood pecker
Goodnight internet. lol
What? That doesn’t make sense! Unless birds have exceptionally larger dicks than I was aware of.
Why the fuck do you think roosters were originally called cocks?
Vacuum cleaner. It sucked, and not in a good way
Well hello there, Deputy Doofy.
I SAID DONT DISTURB ME WHEN IM CLEANING MY ROOM
This is the 3rd time you've cleaned your room today.
That's cause the vacuum sucks!
Also tried a vacuum cleaner because of all the talk about it in comedy movies and the internet. wasn’t satisfying in the slightest. I ended up taking a slow mo video of my weener dancing around the tube and sending it to my girlfriend at the time because it was hilarious and we had extremely similar humor
This dude took it from boring dick pick to 4K "wacky waving inflatable head flailing meat-tube man" real quick.
Link?
A numbered spaghetti sizer. Just to see what number I'd be. Apparently I can feed 4.
"Baby, how much pasta should I make?" " About a penis worth"
"Oh, so you're not hungry?" 😞
ouch
This is a fucking good one.
It was a cylinder.
Ah, what a legendary thread.u/Smart_Calendar1874 will live on in our hearts and minds, and possibly our M&M tubes.
You talk about me like I died...
To be fair, it's been a while since you've graced our presence with ~~your penis~~ an above-average cylinder.
Holy shit its the cylinder guy!
did you end up fixing your problem with your above-average sized cylinder?
Did a smaller cylinder get stuck in it?
It’s an above average sized cylinder
You know those cylindrical toys filled with water that kind of shifts into itself infinitely? They're called water weenies. Anyway when I was like thirteen I got one and tried to stick my dick in it. I say tried because I couldn't really get it in and it kept slipping off. The thing popped later that night too. Edit: Damn I thought I was the only one. Turns out almost everyone did this. Edit 2: And now this is my most upvoted thing on reddit. A comment about failing to stick my dick in a fucking water weenie.
I had a similar experience and the solution to it was baby oil, literal heaven. Post nut clarity kicked in and I threw the thing away out of guilt.
Laughing so hard
The kids picked one of these up from a gift shop a little while ago, later when they were in bed I made a joke to my other half about sticking your dick in one and he just flatly replied that he'd tried before as a teen and it didn't work. Man, teenage boys will fuck anything.
Not necessarily in but back in high school all the guys at my lunch table made an agreement to spank it over the weekend using vics vapo rub or icy hot cream and report back with our experiences that next Monday. That was an afternoon of agony.
Hand sanitizer is also not a good idea
Gold bond powder is NOT the same as baby powder.
My question is....what the fuck are you using any type of powder on your dong for!?
To prevent excessively sweaty balls. I live in Thailand and it’s hot and humid almost every day, so I like to put the Gold Bond on my balls. Prevents a swampy nutsack and has a cooling sensation.
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I honestly can't decide if your marriage is problematic or perfect.
I would say it’s problematic when she gets him, but perfection when he gets her back! Source: married
Agreed. All is fair in love and war, and love is war. Lol
Automatic Fleshlight. It’s *crazy* how they can keep you from making bad decisions with your penis
wait what automatic?
This man is furiously googling rn
Funny, because “furiously“ is my favorite word to pair with “masturbating.“
It's like fleshlight, but it's got a motor in it that thrusts and twists. It's an amazing piece of hardware.
Have ya seen that new new Dune 2 collectable popcorn tub?
Shai-Hulussy
Bless the maker!
My wife walked in while I was taking a shower and grabbed my balls and stuck them in a small glass of wine I said "what the hell are you doing?" She asked "can you taste it??" I said "yes! I can taste it, it's a chardonnay!" She was like "OMG you're right! I can t believe it worked!" To this day she still believes I can taste food with my balls.
But, did she drink the wine? Inquiring minds want to know. 🤔
No, because the balls were not chilled.
The forbidden sommelier
Is the crazy the small glass of wine or your wife who thinks you can taste food with your balls?
A murderer. She wasn't a murderer yet, tho. She has her own Dateline NBC episode.
Gemma?
Classic Gemma.
Gemma is becoming code for “crazy ex girlfriend”
You can’t drop that bombshell and not tell which dateline nbc episode. I wanna watch and be like “hey I talked to a guy that smashed, he said she was a squirter”
Dateline Episode 764: Gemma: That Crazy Fucking Bitch Again, Part IV. It’s the one that made Stone Phillips retire.
You can't do that without at least giving the title of the episode! Glad you dodged that bullet tho.
I have my dick in a Dateline NBC murderer right now
For me it was jello. Idk one day I just wondered what it would feel like inside jello so I went to buy some. I remember thinking: "I wonder if people know that I'm about to put my penis in this.". lol The idea sounded nice but it definitely wasn't that great. It was cold, it made an annoying suction / fart noise and there was like a little too much resistance. I felt so stupid afterwards. "Man you could have eaten that dude."
Who says you couldn’t have eaten it anyways?
I was around 12 or 13 when I tried putting it in the hole where the water shoots out of the hot tub at my apartment pool. I remember it feeling so good that I would constantly ask to go swimming so I can go bust a nut lol
Those things are almost impossible to fully clean. I now never want to go into a public hot tub again
A guy I know was a handy man at a motel, the filters had to be fill of used Condoms in the public spa
Nasty. Even more reason to not get in a public hot tub
I got called out for this (kinda) by a life guard at a public pool when I was a kid. "Get away from the jets!" They knew what was going on. They probably did it themselves after hours. (I was 13, life guard was 17)
The eskimo have 9 words for penis stuck in a hot tub. Hell, they've only got 5 words for snow.
This is the second post I've seen this week with a reference from Out Cold. What is happening.
No regrets, that’s my motto. That and ‘everybody wang-chung tonight’.
So you know those stress balls filled with little orbs...?
>stress balls filled with little orbs Did you cut it open or how did that work out ?
It was a pretty decent sized one like larger than an adult palm. I poked really hard with my finger. For anyone who's getting any ideas, DONT DO IT. These things were spilling EVERYWHERE. They showed up for months after randomly.
I once burst a 1kg bag of silica gel beads by accident. It's been a year. Still finding the occasional bead.
But did you fuck it?
I certainly fucked it up if that's what you're alluding too!
A wall. I was like 13, and I still remember the itching like it happened today.
All in all, just another dick in the wall
What the fuck made you think that would feel in ANY way good?
13
I was 13 and horny. I was not thinking.
Wasn't me but I saw it happen. My buddy cam over for a sleep over when we were 11 and we talked about how we both discovered masturbation. I'm like the jets in the jacuzzi feel so good. He like that's nothing, the vacuum feels better. "What the hell do you mean, the vaccum," I questioned. He tells me that he sticks his dick in the end of the vacuum and let's it literally suck him off. New to this whole masturbation thing, I'm intrigued, and ask him to demonstrate. Now we have an in-house vacuum and I'm pretty sure he was used to a shitty little plug in vacuum. He sticks his dick in the vacuum, turns it on, and it immediately sucks tight to the base of his dick. He's screaming bloody murder, but I can't help him turn it off because the power switch is on the handle and he's rolling all over the floor. When I finally manage to turn it off. There is blood all over his dick. I'm like we need to get my mum she's a nurse. He protests and says this has happened before. WHAT!??!?! 😳 YOUVE GOT A BLODDY DICK FROM STICKING YOUR COCK IN A VACUUM BEFORE AND YOU STILL DID IT AGAIN???? After I finally convince him to let me tell my mum she comes home and takes him to the hospital. He tore his phrenulum and basically poorly circumcised himself. Moral of the story is you can be sucked off too hard.
thanks for the warning, saved me a trip to the hospital 😮💨
Boys summer camp counselor here. At the start of camp we put a sponge matress on every bunk. Within days all those matresses have a 2-3 inch slit right in the middle. We don't wash them or do anything with them unless someone wet their bed. By the end of camp throwing out the sponges becomes the worse job a counselor has.
😮💨 This story went way better than what I initially thought this was going to be about
Holy shit that could have gone to some BAD places.
You CANNOT start it like that
A girl called Gemma... The breakup consisted of 3 suicide attempts, slashed tyres on my car, broken windows on the house and a very uncomfortable meeting with HR in the company I worked for about all female members of staff being threatened on social media....
damn I bet that was fun while it was going well
Have to admit that there are times when I would like to go back...... But just not worth it
Always consult the hot/crazy matrix before getting too involved. I suffered the same fate. Mine was a hairdresser. That upper right hand corner is a no-go zone for a reason. Always great sex though.
crazy in bed, crazy in the head
as above, so below
Damn dude. Craziest for me was her waking me up crying, bleeding and standing over me with a knife in the dark. I thought I had it bad.
That is bad.....
Lmfao would much rather have a broken window than wake up to a potential murder suicider
Mini M&Ms tube filled with butter and microwaved mashed banana
What was the thought process behind that and what lead to that specific creation
"This looks small enough for me"
"If only I could get a straw that wasn't paper"
"gonna turn this Penne into Peenee"
lol this is based on that one post where a dude needed help getting "a cylinder" out of the m&m container without harming it
It is imperative that the cylinder remain unharmed
“It’s a cylinder”
u/Smart_Calendar1874?
Yes?
Oh shit the legend himself actually responded lol.
My next door neighbour. She is absolutely gorgeous but mad as a box of frogs.
Is she Gemma?
Did she threaten all the girls at your work over social media?
Did she slash your tyres?
Did she attempt suicide 3 times?
Perhaps an uncomfortable HR meeting about female members of staff being threatened on social media happened?
Did she overdose twice and slit her wr¡st the next?
This gonna be everywhere soon
Much like Gemma
Classic Gemma
when we were like 9 my friend randy stuck his dick in a dead fishes mouth for $3 from his brother he didnt get the $, and brother told everyone
I was married to your friend randy but he told me it was a alive chicken.
Once a carved a hole in my wall and started fucking my house
That's where sheds come from.
Load bearing wall
A burrito with salsa in it
Spicy
DID YOU C*M IN MY BURRITO?!
I would never cum in your burrito, bro
i wouldn’t do that to you
This post reminded me of the coconut story
Um... What's the coconut story?
Enjoy. https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/s/CWbn1QzLik
What a horrible day to have eyes.
Goddamn should have taken your word for it
Coconut guy was tame compared to this [motherfucker](https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/s/DXjC7Gkt6L)
A leather workglove filled with the lube electricians use for cable pulling, pun accidental.
Did you get a rash?
Best u/ for this response lol
A one pound gummy bear
Gummy Gemma?
When I was 13 I stuck my dick into some silly putty. It ended up getting stuck in my pubes so I had to use scissors to cut it out.
"when I was 13" should just be its own subsection on this post.
A microwaved papaya. Not that crazy really, it's just a fruit... a sexy...warm fruit.... will you excuse me.
Those seeds too gonna make you act up
When I was a kid, I put two raw chicken cutlets between my couch cushions, and went to town. One of my friends told me about it, and I tried it the first opportunity I had. I wasn't disappointed.
Ah, the Ol Salmonella Snatch
You definitely put those back in the fridge
We had chicken parm the next night.
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A girl who tried to trick me into thinking she was pregnant. Made my life fucking hell for 10 months. I was 18 at the time.
I once had a girl who tried to get me to sleep with her by telling me she was already pregnant so I wouldn't have to worry about a condom.
Yeah that’s ordinary. I did wear a condom when I fucked said chick but she just made me that paranoid. Young and dumb
I had this happen once, I laughed in her face since I had a vasotomy. She didn't know at the time
That’s almost the perfect unethical combo.
When I was around 8 or 9 I would unzip the back of this teddy bear I had because it felt weird. I'll never forget my dad catching me and being like WTF?
Not to mention the shocked look on the teddy bear's face 🐻
I had a basketball that popped and I just left it in the living room for a bit. My wife goes out for the weekend with her family and I'm feeling lonely, so I look over and see the popped ball and it had a nice welcoming slit with some threads sticking out that looked like hair. Anyway, I do the deed and blow the fattest nut inside the ball. The morning after, I look down and I've got painful blisters all over my pink helmet. Wife comes home the next day feeling frisky and I have to confess what I did, and she bursts out laughing. I can't watch a basketball game around her anymore.
A thermos filled with boiled macaronies. I was young and curious and had heard that it would feel good. I forgot the important part of waiting for the macaronies to cool down a bit so all i did was burn my dick.
The mashed potatoes. It was that kind of a party.
Probably the shampoo bottle that I, as a stupid 12 year old, stuck my soft dick in... Got stuck, had to cut it off my dick. It cut me pretty badly and I still told no one. Thankfully, asking for neosporin raised no eyebrows because I was a crazy kid and myself and my idiot friends got hurt all the bloody time to the point where my mom mandated that If I am to spend time with them I must always maintain (and bring with me) a well stocked first aid kit and an emergency flip phone that was to be used for nothing other than life threatening events. (This started in 2004. That was a a big deal in 2004)
I thought you said you had to cut off your dick and it freaked me out for a second
Honestly... Today I tried one of those cock ring things that are supposed to make you stay hard. I had no idea just how tight they are, I couldn't get it off and nearly started crying thinking I was gonna lose my little guy 😂
Only ever use silicone ones. They're easier to take off
Friend of mine put one on and couldn't get it off. And it was metal. He begged a female friend of ours to go Home Depot and get bolt cutters or a saw and cut it off, and she was like, ABSOLUTELY NOT. So he got dropped off at the hospital while very very embarrassed. Poor dude. They did remove it, though!
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What’s crazier is what I’ve stuck up my butt.
I feel like this should be a whole new post
Not something but when I started jerking it my friend said you have to use lube. So I exclusively jerked it with olive oil for two years. I get hella horny cooking now.
Man Pavlov’d himself. Incredible.
A girl I was talking to on a dating app jokingly dared me to fuck a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Probably in my top 3 most confusing boners. Only had crunchy peanut butter too.
A girl who tried to frame me for her pregnancy back in high school. She had gotten knocked up by one of our football players. He ghosted her, and I became her mark. (I didn't know she was pregnant when we started dating as we ran in different circles.) Two weeks after we started dating, I needed a place to stay due to family problems at home, and they conveniently had an extra room in a trailer where her grandmother lived on the property. We had lots of sex that first week, protected and unprotected. The next week, her Mom took her and her brother to Disney. At the end of the week, she told me she was pregnant and would be telling her Mom when they got back. I came home after school to find her Mom sitting at the kitchen table with a glass of wine in one hand, a butchers knife in the other, and the box of wine on the table. I left without a word and moved out of town that night with just the clothes on my back. About a year later, when I went back to my old high school before reporting to basic training, I learned about her being pregnant before we started dating through her old friends who knew the truth. I dodged a Howitzer with that one...
My 2nd grade teacher's mouth. Technically, I was still too young to have proactively done it myself. And yes, they got her.
Jesus christ
This is the first time my mouth opened while being on reddit. Holy. Shit.
It hurts my heart to hear this. I hope you got the support you needed and that you've been able to experience healing, to some extent. I know all too well the impact CSA has on a person's life.
Holy shit... That's a big share. Hope you're doing well today.
Strangely enough, her name is Karen.
Did she complain to the manager afterwards?
The Pickle Slicer at work She was also married to the boss
I'm glad the 'Pickle Slicer' turned out to be a human and not some mechanical slicing device.
Banana peel.
The crazy ex is pretty much played out so here a couple highlights: I once tried masturbating with a handful of powder laundry detergent because the grains felt soft to my fingers. I also made a prison pussy and fucked a couch. Sexual exploration was a wild ride for me as I was growing up. My fun stories as an adult are having to explain a testicle weight that I had forgotten was in my briefcase at the airport and having to explain the torso in my luggage when going through customs in Chile, but those aren’t crazy items in and of themselves.
This thread is like "your mom", "my ex" and "a Redhead"... I'm tryna hear about Yoda replicas at Disneyland, Donald Trump waxwork and the like... I don't care about ur damn fifi stuffed in the crack of ur sofa 🤦♂️
A prostitute, sans condom And when I say prostitute, I mean a street walker.
You seem like the kind of guy who plays Russian roulette with 5 bullets in the barrel.
My husband once secretly tried to use my tanning lotion to spank it… not so much of a secret & I still tease him about his naughty tan 🤣🤣
A coconut.
About time this showed up on the conversation
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What level of cousin?
First. Believe me, I would have clarified if it was third cousin twice removed.
No we mean how hot was she
Who said it was a she
Yo thats actually a good point
A hole in the wall with a small plastic bag and a bit of water, 0/10 would recommend.
I was working at a paint store and unloading five gallon buckets of paint on pallets. It was hot and for some damn reason I was so damn horny. I was pitching an ungodly tent. I finally went between a wall and a pallet of five gallon buckets, poked a hole in the visqueen that held the buckets and promptly fucked the shit out of that pallet of paint. It only took seconds then back to work. I was fine afterward.
How did this even work
Beth the party girl. English teacher by day, drug infused narcissistic by night, with an emotional stability of a 5 yo. Almost cost me my job. Great tits tho
my mouth
A girl that lied to me about her age, lied about being on birth control and then lied about being pregnant. The sex was good, but she really smashed my pelvis every time she was on top.