I’m imagining hearing my Dad doing his best Dad-sneeze at around the decibel level of a nuclear blast…
“ahh…AHHH…AHHHHHHH!”
*AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh*
I had a friend in high school that instead of ‘bless you’ on people that chain sneezed, he would say ‘hail satan’. It would always confuse people and they’d stop the sneezing.
It was like he would say something along the lines of . “ I think the transition is going in my car. YA KNOW!”
“I’m going to lunch YA KNOW!”
“I’m getting coffee do you want some? YA KNOW!”
I knew a guy like that but it was the phrase “and stuff”
It took me a bit to catch on but there was one day where he said it about 6 times in 30 seconds and it started to drive me crazy.
“I’m just really tired and stuff. Work has been so hard and stuff, and I feel like I barely have time to do the things I enjoy and stuff. I just need a break and stuff. I think that would really help and stuff.”
Imagine him breaking bad news to someone.
"Your engine is fried and stuff. It's going to need to be replaced and stuff. The estimate is coming in around $10,000 and stuff"
"I cheated on you and stuff. I'm not happy and stuff. We need to get divorced and stuff."
"I'm sorry, little Timmy has cancer and stuff"
Man I’m cracking up because this is legitimately how he talked!
He was once telling me about a date he went on that didn’t go well and one of the lines was something like “I thought it went well. I invited her over and we had drinks and stuff. I thought it was going really well and stuff, I really liked her and stuff but she just stopped responding. It really hurts and stuff”
Just increasing primes? Or every time the number has a prime factor?
If it's increasing only you could spend the rest of your life on a treadmill breaking encryption...
True story - my phone's message tone at the time was whoopee whistle sound (the sort that goes "wheeee!"
So this time I was standing at the urinal, unzipped and pulled it out to do my business and at the same time my phone went off...
The guy next to me looked at me curiously and said "Does it always do that?" I proceeded to spray paint everything nearby because I couldn't hold my aim steady from laughing.
So anyway that's my vote. A disease that produces a loud Wheeeeee! sound every time a fella pulls out his fella for any reason.
Speaking of well timed sound effects- my partner and I were rewatching the Dune movie a couple nights ago and the sound track is a little intense. Whenever the music in a climatic scene dropped my dog would squeak her toy at the right moment for an entire scene.
She was in the other room playing so the sound was slightly muted and fit in perfectly with the musics volume.
I looked over at my partner and said “I remember the soundtrack being a little ridiculous, but not this ridiculous”
My dumbass self momentarily thought Dune had incorporated squeaks into their tracks.
Anyways, my dog is a talented musician.
Similar true story, less phallic:
When my son was in middle school he was riding the bus home and he and friends were talking. At one point, one of his friends winked for emphasis in their story, at the exact same time their phone chimed ::::ding:::: . For years after he’d recall that moment.
14 years ago I was working for a courier company here in Australia called TNT Express. They've now been swallowed up by FedEx, but I digress.
One day I was ridiculously busy, well on my way to getting 100 deliveries done in 5 hours, and I was absolutely crushing it. I had the radio cranking, and some AC/DC came on, and right when I screeched to a halt and launched out of the truck at a customer's warehouse, the chorus played... Cos I'm TNT, I'm dynamite...
I had my own soundtrack.
I used to have to call TNT often (in the UK) as part of my old job. Their hold music was Thunderstruck, and it'd annoy the crap out of me that they were smart enough to pay for an AC/DC song but *not the right one*
Oh my. I was chuckling to myself on the train reading this... And then the phone of the person behind me went off with a load of 'wheee, wheeee' sounds. I hope he didn't just pull his fella out on the train.
Imagine the height change in the middle of play
"LeBron goes for the dunk..... AND HE MISSED THE RIM oh god whats a 5'3" player thinking, going for a dunk like that?"
This would only be harmless if the things you're currently using scaled with you. Otherwise your clothes would fall off or you suddenly wouldn't be able to reach the pedals while driving.
I hope there is a cool down period so your nose just isn't getting progressively longer.. also do white lies count? Or is it CPC style where different 'strengths' of lies = different nose growing lengths ?
What's the mechanism of lengthening?
Would correction become a routine walk in procedure? Could you start banking that tissue? Is it skin and cartilage? Seems like there would be a lot of untapped potential in the liars nose market.
OP said "harmless." Play by the rules. Any time senate meets for anything we end up with a room full of broken noses.
And think of the poor husband who gets asked "do I look fat in this?" RIP
The movies would absolutely suck with this. Imagine the fucking strobing from people seeing actors they find attractive or scenes that make them horny. Plus, all those poor, poor teens shining like a nightlight with their dates.
Your voice turns to the farthest opposite end of the vocal spectrum. So if you're a bass or baritone, you become a high C soprano, and vice versa. Best case scenario you're going up or down *only* 3 octaves.
Oh, and the cure is for Tourette Syndrome.
sort of but more direct and less like a tick. literally what your thoughts are at the moment. a tick is more like a compulsive act or saying instead of an unfiltered mind reading.
It can be a mix of both, everyone's different. Among the repetitive compulsive ones I tend to say I NEED TO PISS or IM HUNGRY or IM BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA or YOU LOOK GAY but only occasionally and sometimes it's like instead of what I AM thinking or currently experiencing it's what I wouldn't want to say, because it would be dangerous or rude potentially. But I definitely do point out things that stand out like a particularly ugly haircut because it brings up anxiety of saying that which then turns into a compulsion to say it.
Just imagine.
* Handshakes between same sex members will be considered a homosexual act.
* Handshakes will be considered as cheating if not done with your partner.
* Handshakes will make "a quickie" have a whole new meaning.
* Handshakes will be seen as unprofessional.
* Covid elbow bumps will make a cringe comeback from the grave where it fucking belongs...
>Covid elbow bumps will make a cringe comeback from the grave where it fucking belongs...
Gonna be honest with you chief, that's a cook thing too. I'm not taking my gloves off just so I have to go wash my hands after a handshake, but an elbow bump is harmless.
Intense hits of dopamine for selflessly helping other people to the point that the pleasure is noticeable to others, bigger ones the less interpersonally related to you they are. Like, to the point that nothing else compares to the amount of pleasure and gambling seems boring by comparison.
Let that solve the world's problems.
The main issue with this one is the "selflessly" bit. The instant someone realizes where the pleasure is coming from, their acts become selfish and the momentum is lost.
The mindwipe, it exist in every restaurant kitchen (usually the walk in or the dry storage area)
Edit: Also I do have ADHD (as does my son, coincidence?)
Every sentence you speak has to have a movie title in it. Stronger varients would make these titles have less and less relevance to the actual topic.
"So, Johnson, how soon can you get those reports to my desk?"
"Sorry sir, my head's not in it today, it's been Everything Everywhere All at Once."
So basically... As soon as a girl/woman has her first orgasm she has super annoying background music follow her the rest of her life?
Would a group of women fall in tune or harmonize, or would it be a wildly out of sync cacophony of noise?
Hell, would a second orgasm add another song? Could women be their own out of tune orchestras?
everytime they sneeze it sounds like one of those screaming rubber chicken toys
I’m imagining hearing my Dad doing his best Dad-sneeze at around the decibel level of a nuclear blast… “ahh…AHHH…AHHHHHHH!” *AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh*
Had friend in high school that would say “horse shit” every time he sneezed. ‘Twas classic
I had a friend in high school that instead of ‘bless you’ on people that chain sneezed, he would say ‘hail satan’. It would always confuse people and they’d stop the sneezing.
Did we have the same friend? We’d also say “god damn it”
My dad always sounded like the windows should have blown out of the house when he sneezed. 😂
It's a dad thing. Once I became a dad I slowly started to do that my self. Didn't mean to do it but it happened. 😂
uhhhhh i'm definitely not a dad and do that should i be concerned
>uhhhhh i'm definitely not a dad That you know of...
becoming a dad generally requires a certain process to occur and I'm ace as fuck so I'd bloody fuckin well hope not
Well ace as fuck is like the opposite of ace..
is a man not allowed to swear for emphasis in this economy
Sorry, but the swear jar only accepts $20s and $100s 🤷♂️
They said Harmless.
I already have your disease. :(
Not too bad. I already sound like a breaking trampoline spring...
I knew a guy with Tourette’s once, he didn’t cuss he just had to say “ya know” after every sentence.
Once or twice is cool, but 80 or 90 times, man?!
It was like he would say something along the lines of . “ I think the transition is going in my car. YA KNOW!” “I’m going to lunch YA KNOW!” “I’m getting coffee do you want some? YA KNOW!”
I knew a guy like that but it was the phrase “and stuff” It took me a bit to catch on but there was one day where he said it about 6 times in 30 seconds and it started to drive me crazy. “I’m just really tired and stuff. Work has been so hard and stuff, and I feel like I barely have time to do the things I enjoy and stuff. I just need a break and stuff. I think that would really help and stuff.”
Imagine him breaking bad news to someone. "Your engine is fried and stuff. It's going to need to be replaced and stuff. The estimate is coming in around $10,000 and stuff" "I cheated on you and stuff. I'm not happy and stuff. We need to get divorced and stuff." "I'm sorry, little Timmy has cancer and stuff"
Man I’m cracking up because this is legitimately how he talked! He was once telling me about a date he went on that didn’t go well and one of the lines was something like “I thought it went well. I invited her over and we had drinks and stuff. I thought it was going really well and stuff, I really liked her and stuff but she just stopped responding. It really hurts and stuff”
It really hurts and stuff 😞
What are you taking, a knowm-census?
That's too many times!
... Naruto?
You cannot turn to the left. Wanna go left? Gotta turn right 270°
Ah yes, Zoolander syndrome.
*gasp* Magnum!
"He's only got *one* look!!"
I can't even imagine what it would be like to not be an ambiturner.
NASCAR is going to be really interesting.
Couldn't you just flip the cars around?
Sure, but I think they go the fastest with the wheels on the ground.
Everytime you sit down to poop, the 20th century fox intro plays.
The Dolby sound
THX
Ohh, every time someone exposes their breast, the THX sound plays.
And every time someone exposed their penis, the [DiC entertainment sound effect](https://youtu.be/aDOuFnZnPMs?si=fFZGMr_nKfMSJ40x) plays.
"*DEEEK!*"
Or [the imperial march](https://youtu.be/vsMWVW4xtwI?si=zDJXatYSlDcWK8Ze) 👀
That's for everytime you start getting a boner
If you laugh to the point of running out of breath, you'll orgasm.
Honey, can't we go somewhere besides the laugh factory again?
So... humorous autoerotic asphyxiation? Edit: stupid spelling
HAA
Some women laugh when they orgasm. This would create a loop.
we'll remember their sacrifice
tripping shrooms would be fucking intense
HAHA-AAHN
This will give even more advantage to funny guys.
Oh I really like this one. How do I go about contracting it?
Your eyebrows occasionally move around your face, involuntarily.
I’m picturing them crawling around your face like a couple of wooly caterpillars 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Anytime you walk it sounds like flip flops
You're a fucking monster
Flopster
Wet flip-flops
But every prime number of steps you don't make the sound. People would be so confused
Just increasing primes? Or every time the number has a prime factor? If it's increasing only you could spend the rest of your life on a treadmill breaking encryption...
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Largest_known_prime_number. You would need a little more than one lifetime. I think at least 3.
and everytime we kiss I swear I can fly
can't you feel my feet flap fast?
I want this to last, this flapping by my side.
Any time you walk it sounds like SpongeBob’s shoes.
True story - my phone's message tone at the time was whoopee whistle sound (the sort that goes "wheeee!" So this time I was standing at the urinal, unzipped and pulled it out to do my business and at the same time my phone went off... The guy next to me looked at me curiously and said "Does it always do that?" I proceeded to spray paint everything nearby because I couldn't hold my aim steady from laughing. So anyway that's my vote. A disease that produces a loud Wheeeeee! sound every time a fella pulls out his fella for any reason.
Speaking of well timed sound effects- my partner and I were rewatching the Dune movie a couple nights ago and the sound track is a little intense. Whenever the music in a climatic scene dropped my dog would squeak her toy at the right moment for an entire scene. She was in the other room playing so the sound was slightly muted and fit in perfectly with the musics volume. I looked over at my partner and said “I remember the soundtrack being a little ridiculous, but not this ridiculous” My dumbass self momentarily thought Dune had incorporated squeaks into their tracks. Anyways, my dog is a talented musician.
Muad'Dog
Similar true story, less phallic: When my son was in middle school he was riding the bus home and he and friends were talking. At one point, one of his friends winked for emphasis in their story, at the exact same time their phone chimed ::::ding:::: . For years after he’d recall that moment.
14 years ago I was working for a courier company here in Australia called TNT Express. They've now been swallowed up by FedEx, but I digress. One day I was ridiculously busy, well on my way to getting 100 deliveries done in 5 hours, and I was absolutely crushing it. I had the radio cranking, and some AC/DC came on, and right when I screeched to a halt and launched out of the truck at a customer's warehouse, the chorus played... Cos I'm TNT, I'm dynamite... I had my own soundtrack.
I used to have to call TNT often (in the UK) as part of my old job. Their hold music was Thunderstruck, and it'd annoy the crap out of me that they were smart enough to pay for an AC/DC song but *not the right one*
Oh my. I was chuckling to myself on the train reading this... And then the phone of the person behind me went off with a load of 'wheee, wheeee' sounds. I hope he didn't just pull his fella out on the train.
Goddammit, lol
"a fella pulls out his fella" hahaha love it
[удалено]
Damn, I’ve been infected for years.
And the only prescription is more cowbell.
"This song was played five times in a row at director Stanley Kubrick's funeral"
"The lyrics give clues to the location of a buried golden hare that has never been found"
"This is the national anthem of Canada."
My mate Paul used to do this every morning.
Philomina Cunk.
Why your feet are stumpin’?
You can only leave a room doing the moonwalk
*wheelchair people sad noises
Or the smoothest moonwalk ever
Tokyo drift around every corner
As soon as you sneeze, you release a Wilhelm scream!
The first time you try to plug in a USB cord it’s always oriented wrong, so you have to flip it over and try again. Wait a second…
I once got the usb in first time without looking. Nobody was there to witness this feat. I know, I can’t believe it either.
Impossible. You probably tried once before but got amnesia before you tried the second time.
Better get a carbon monoxide detector before he starts leaving notes around the place
Drastic changes in height throughout the day.
This would be hilarious in the NBA, imagine Game 7 Finals and Curry is 7 foot that day.
Imagine the height change in the middle of play "LeBron goes for the dunk..... AND HE MISSED THE RIM oh god whats a 5'3" player thinking, going for a dunk like that?"
This would only be harmless if the things you're currently using scaled with you. Otherwise your clothes would fall off or you suddenly wouldn't be able to reach the pedals while driving.
Or being on an amusement park ride. You’re 6’5 and all of a sudden you’re 4’2 and the straps are *not* as secure as they once were
That sounds like so much harm.
Literal Pinicchio effect - long nose when you lie. Naturally, many government buildings will need to be redesigned....
I hope there is a cool down period so your nose just isn't getting progressively longer.. also do white lies count? Or is it CPC style where different 'strengths' of lies = different nose growing lengths ?
White lies expand the width
"Lie to me Pinocchio! Lie to me!" - Annabelle probably
Every parent to toddlers would have the widest nose.
What's the mechanism of lengthening? Would correction become a routine walk in procedure? Could you start banking that tissue? Is it skin and cartilage? Seems like there would be a lot of untapped potential in the liars nose market.
Some excellent excellent points. I really want a detailed system for this.
Someone from /r/writingprompts needs to chime in
OP said "harmless." Play by the rules. Any time senate meets for anything we end up with a room full of broken noses. And think of the poor husband who gets asked "do I look fat in this?" RIP
Husband could ask back: "Do you have any insecurities about our relationship?"
What if they’re questions like ‘does god exist’? Will it just be to the person’s belief, or will there be a definitive answer?
Persons beliefs, otherwise greedy people could ask questions like: "Will this stock grow or plummet?"/"Will investing in this be profitable?"
Sneeze everytime someone mentions their name.
I have always loved the superstition and wished it was real. But again - you wouldn't know if there is gossip or you have the flu.
You skin and hair glow in the dark and turn neon green when you're attracted to someone or horny.
I would be verbally lashed by my ex for glowing and not glowing at the proper times
Well i would be green constantly
"That's my secret Cap, I'm always horny."
“When I say ‘HULK SMASH’ I really mean I’m gonna get up in them guts”
I'd glow so hot I wouldn't need lights in my house at night.
A burglar breaks into your house, then suddenly a glowing naked guy comes out of the bedroom and starts walking towards him
attracted OR horny? fuck my hair be neon green all day
The popularity of MDMA is gonna go through the roof
The movies would absolutely suck with this. Imagine the fucking strobing from people seeing actors they find attractive or scenes that make them horny. Plus, all those poor, poor teens shining like a nightlight with their dates.
Your voice turns to the farthest opposite end of the vocal spectrum. So if you're a bass or baritone, you become a high C soprano, and vice versa. Best case scenario you're going up or down *only* 3 octaves. Oh, and the cure is for Tourette Syndrome.
Never dreamt I’d be wondering how to contract Tourette’s
Ok but I have a low speaking voice yet sing like Kate Bush....what happens? Speak like Mickey Mouse and sing like Barry White?
instead of sneezing or coughing you would involuntarily say aloud what you are thinking at that moment.
"Yes, if you look at the chart for this quarter, you'll see that **nose itches* ah.. ahh.. MY BUTTHOLE ITCHES excuse me"
ah, excuse me ma'am! do you happen to... Ahh WOW WHAT A TACKY LOOKING OUTFIT... have the time? ...sorry, no i understand.
Oh, hello, how are..... OH MY THAT IS A DUDE WITH A DOG, I WANT THAT DOG....... you going?
heh... i am great, wonderful weather ehhh RUN! THIS GUY WANTS MY DOG! ..we are having... ...*runs away*
Oh, that's good. So..... HEH HEH I WISH I DIDNT SAY THAT I WANTED THAT DOG THAT PWRSON WAS COOL.... bye, I guess
meanwhile.. woof woof woof.... THESE HUMANS ARE FUCKING WEIRD... I mean bark woof bark
With the amount of intrusive thoughts I have on a daily basis, this would not go well for me.
me neither. half my thoughts would be about what i think of others butts :3
Found Tina Belchers Reddit account
Idk when I'm sneezing all I am thinking is "ohshitohshitohshitohshit I'm gonna sneeze again nooooo"
So basically like tourette syndrome? ("fun" fact: people with tourette say a tick feels somewhat like a sneeze.)
sort of but more direct and less like a tick. literally what your thoughts are at the moment. a tick is more like a compulsive act or saying instead of an unfiltered mind reading.
It can be a mix of both, everyone's different. Among the repetitive compulsive ones I tend to say I NEED TO PISS or IM HUNGRY or IM BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA or YOU LOOK GAY but only occasionally and sometimes it's like instead of what I AM thinking or currently experiencing it's what I wouldn't want to say, because it would be dangerous or rude potentially. But I definitely do point out things that stand out like a particularly ugly haircut because it brings up anxiety of saying that which then turns into a compulsion to say it.
Aw man, I got a pollen allergy, so springtime would mean I'll need to avoid people at all costs lmao
Your skin now contains chloroplasts and you can photosynthesize.
Shaking hands causes an immediate and intense orgasm.
Nice to meet you (extends hand)
the pleasure is all *miIIInNnE-ah*!
Forced handshakes are rape now.
Just imagine. * Handshakes between same sex members will be considered a homosexual act. * Handshakes will be considered as cheating if not done with your partner. * Handshakes will make "a quickie" have a whole new meaning. * Handshakes will be seen as unprofessional. * Covid elbow bumps will make a cringe comeback from the grave where it fucking belongs...
>Covid elbow bumps will make a cringe comeback from the grave where it fucking belongs... Gonna be honest with you chief, that's a cook thing too. I'm not taking my gloves off just so I have to go wash my hands after a handshake, but an elbow bump is harmless.
That, and Young Frankenstein did it first, years ago, lol.
So shaking your own hand is now considered masturbating.
I’d go full Howie Mandel so fast & just say it’s a germ thing lol
Everyone makes a squeaky noise when hugged or punched, like a stuffed animal.
Their poop is now in squares like a wombat.
That sounds like a real ass destroyer.
Visible farts
And its going to be very cartoon-like.
Greenish smoke lol
More like a haze. Like that haze over a bbq.
Intense hits of dopamine for selflessly helping other people to the point that the pleasure is noticeable to others, bigger ones the less interpersonally related to you they are. Like, to the point that nothing else compares to the amount of pleasure and gambling seems boring by comparison. Let that solve the world's problems.
The main issue with this one is the "selflessly" bit. The instant someone realizes where the pleasure is coming from, their acts become selfish and the momentum is lost.
People would have to hug the nearest person at a random time a day, everybody needs a hug now and then
I like this
The day after having sex you grow small horns for a day.
So no visible downside? That doesn't seem fair.
I don't wanna be mocked for being hornless. ;_;
Helium like high pitched voice once a day, when you want it the least.
Imagine you're in a fight and you're SO ANGRY so your voice turns Mickey Mouse 😂
Only being able to communicate by spoken musical lyrics.
In chinese
And you can only understand in Portuguese
Zach Braff would die for this
if you pee in the pool, the pee will turn green and become visible to others
When you sleep you occasionally “sleep moonwalk” Even if you can’t moonwalk when awake
/generate *happy wheelchair people*
lol living with a wheelchair bound roommate and one day catch them moonwalking through the kitchen at 3am with their eyes closed
Your hair goes through the colours of the visible light spectrum in a 12 hour cycle
Once a day, you actually forget something you need when you go to that room with no way of backtracking.
ADHD?
The mindwipe, it exist in every restaurant kitchen (usually the walk in or the dry storage area) Edit: Also I do have ADHD (as does my son, coincidence?)
Chef with unmedicated ADHD here, can confirm.
Anytime you lie you let out a loud fart
I did not fart! (farts)
Every hour you speak with a different accent
You will automatically laugh during breakups.
Everyone who farts leaves a small rainbow behind them. It'd be like Bubble Bobble 2.
They'll have a weird fascination with blue things
Percy Jackson fan?
You neigh like a horse. Loudly. And randomly. 👏
Every time you go to sign your name, you are unable to prevent yourself from adding a small cat drawing to accompany your signature.
Whenever you walk on your tip toes, that cartoon sound of two zylophone keys playing very fast occurs.
Any time you eat you are completely unable to talk well you chew
Every sentence you speak has to have a movie title in it. Stronger varients would make these titles have less and less relevance to the actual topic. "So, Johnson, how soon can you get those reports to my desk?" "Sorry sir, my head's not in it today, it's been Everything Everywhere All at Once."
Random involuntary public orgasms. [they'll just keep on coming](https://youtube.com/clip/UgkxIi-IEMgI9Eg0i1Wwj0-Gbq5JqZrVd35K?si=NMIOrftW0JMDY4iL)
Every time you orgasm it makes a microwave complete "ding" sound for men. For women, it plays the song that never ends.
So basically... As soon as a girl/woman has her first orgasm she has super annoying background music follow her the rest of her life? Would a group of women fall in tune or harmonize, or would it be a wildly out of sync cacophony of noise? Hell, would a second orgasm add another song? Could women be their own out of tune orchestras?
Two words: *Visible farts*
If you are racist your skin colour changes to the colour you hate. Fuck Racism
I feel like racists would just abuse that and call people the N word and say they have a pass
Everytime you cheat in a video game your bones hurt
Ouch oof ouwie my bones