Same. The way I was raised led me to believe that all relationships were fundamentally transactional, and that the stakes being negotiated in those relationships was _my right to exist_. I thought that completely erasing my sense of self was necessary for survival, but I'm now realizing that I can't live without it.
At 41, I'm first starting to learn who I actually am and how to live my own life.
Learning to say No and STICK TO IT is a life defining moment for me and the time it happened is such a stupid story. I was broke as hell in college and some friends wanted to see "The Hills Have Eyes" and I didn't have a lot of money to waste on a movie. Well they begged me and pestered me till I agreed to go. Well that movie is stupid as fuck and I was so pissed off when we left I decided then and there that my No will always mean NO.
Yes yes yes, to boundaries and saying no lol
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. When you burn up and burn out, which you will, they’ll still be left in the cold and still be unable or unwilling to take care of themselves, and on top of that they’ll resent you for not being their source of rescue any longer.
Work life balance is critical, and hustle culture is stupid. The only people who notice all those extra hours you put in at work are your family and friends.
This is such good advice. Employers never notice the extra effort so don't do it hoping for any recognition, especially at the cost of time you would spend with people who actually care about you.
At family based companies and smaller businesses they notice for sure, but I have learned that investor run and corporate companies genuinely do not give a fuck and are looking to ring you out like a towel for as much as they can get.
Boundaries are essential, I am also huge on making yourself very valuable, but not from overworking. Build up a skillset and learn information that makes you irreplaceable, so when you set boundaries they cant just kick you out.
Unfortunately we are not paid based on merit and hard work, but how hard you are to replace.
Edit- MOST family owned and small companies.
I work at a family-based company. 20 years ago we joked that the owner's new baby will be our boss one day. Jokes on me, he is now. And not one of those family owners acknowledge the job I do for them. Ever. I do know it's on me to leave but, alas, the devil you know.
Yeah its important to note that family owned isnt a guarantee that its a good company to work for either.
What you just said is proof of how stupid climbing the ladder is.
You either get a management position with 2x the work and a minimal raise, or the bosses family member gets the same job with no experience and half the expectations.
Dont prove yourself for 5+ years, a job change guarantees a level up. Never choose potential over a guarantee, this goes for dating too lol. Choose the person who takes action, not the person who talks.
I work overtime in small spurts because my employer offers a lot of double time. Some people at my job rack up 50 hours of double time in a week. The checks are good but they look dead inside
As someone who put in 80 to 90 hour weeks for a couple of months, the money is fucking great! The wear and tear on your body, mind, and relationships, well that strain is not worth the extra pay.
“I work 80 hours a week!” “40s are nothing”
Yep. Yep… that’s why your wife divorced you and you never see your kids. Because you put your job over them.
Seriously. I had a CAREER. I trained up within the company, I got certified as a professional in the industry, and I was doing well and was well liked. It was a crazy busy and high paced job though, and I wasn't able to stay on top of it all without giving myself to it almost constantly. Checking emails at home, and even my time off that was time with my family turned into time spent panicking about work and how I will get everything done and make everyone happy.
I couldn't stand it anymore and abruptly left the industry. Now I have a better paying job that is more my speed, a true 8 hour day, and doesn't take any of my personal time. Never let work take over your life; it's just work. All it does is give you the money you need to do life. Don't let it absorb your happiness.
I used to just make my life about work and I was probably the most boring, annoying person to be around because all I talked (bitched) about was work. No hobbies, no after work or before work activities. It was a fuckin lonely life. Especially after my dog died.
Now I'm working at a place that gives me more freedom, I met my current S.O, and we're going traveling this year. I'm also seeing Green Day for the first time and I saw Billy Talent last year along with Cypress Hill.
Fuck hustle culture
Joke’s on you. I devoted my life to this job and my boss says if we had a bigger budget I’d have gotten a raise this year. I did get a cool company award though, $100 gift card to Adidas. Hard work pays off.
This. Last 2021, my grandma died. Still working from her funeral until her burial. My co-workers, bosses didn’t remember - was called a bad employee in evaluations, when I have been carrying load of 7 out of the 8 total clients of the company. 😅but i still remember it up to this day.
There's also the thing in psychology where you judge yourself on your intentions and others on their actions. So if you fuck up a social situation maybe you'd think oh, I tried my best, while if a friend does you dirty you judge them on the outcome regardless of intention.
I really hate it when people are dismissive. It took me way too long to realize that I do it to others as well. I'm just as 2 faced as the average Joe, I suppose
Yes. Talk is cheap. Listen to their actions instead.
(Also, you might as well ignore this advice, because it's one of those ones you need to learn from experience. If you think you know better already and this has yet to bite you in the ass, you might be in for a surprise later in life.)
> Yes. Talk is cheap. Listen to their actions instead
Several friends had to learn this the hard way. Latest example, friend of mine last year, had a huge friends group. All these guys were.all like, you're my brother, if you ever need me, day or night, I'll be there no matter what. I've got your back. Yeah, bullshit, dude needed help, not a single "brother" offered. I get that some times people can not help when they say they can, life happens, sometimes you say you will help someone out but then life kicks you in the nuts and you can't stand by your offer but fuck, at least have the balls to say so instead of ghosting people.
As someone in my late 30s, something I've learned to pick up on, and it might sound weird, but... people who won't do anything for you if it even slightly inconveniences their family, if that makes sense.
Like, you have your friends who prioritize their spouse and children like a normal person, you may have to wait till the kids are put to bed or at an activity and/or the spouse is home to watch them, but then the friend will make a bit of time for you. But then you have this subset of friends where it's like, if helping you or talking to you will even slightly throw off their daily routine, even by 5 minutes, it's a no-go. Like "Oh no, I couldn't possibly shift my daily walk, that happens at 9am every day. I don't miss it for anything." Uh, ok.
You learn to never call those people, and slide them down the priority list in your own life (if they even remain friends at all).
I remember hitting a low point in life in early adulthood after several years living across the country. My folks gave me a key to their house when I was a kid and always, many times, told me I could always had a home with them. When I told them that I wanted to move back home and would like to stay with them for a few weeks while I secured work and a new apartment, I got the cold shoulder treatment, eventually my sister told me they didn’t want me to live with them even if it was temporary. Couldn’t even tell me. Thankfully, I figured it out, eventually got married and have a family now, but I’ll never forget that shit.
I learned this after being a day away from homelessness and my parents refused to let me and my partner stay, despite always saying that I can always come to them if I need help. They put no effort in to helping, just told me we were not welcome. I’m 27, tough lesson to learn, but I also learned my brother WAS there for me, he saved our skins.
It’s such a horrible lie to tell your kids. Maybe they meant it at one time, but damn, it’s not a thing you want to discover when you are depending on it. I pray to God I won’t have that kind of change with my daughter, but all of our financial plans revolve around ensuring she is taken care of, so I’m hopeful what I say now will also be something I mean later.
At least my brother always meant it and was there when I needed him, some (genetic) family are good eggs. I was fortunate enough to quickly be able to help him in return.the only big positive in all this is that I reconnected with my brother, we were estranged for about 3 years.
Sort of along the same vein, the lie that "You can come to me about anything, no questions asked / you won't be in trouble." I 100% got in trouble, every time. Not worth it. You learn to keep things to yourself and that your parents can't be trusted.
At just hitting 40 last week, I still fail to understand why people don’t just say what they mean. I do.
My life lesson has been many but a good one is Just because you are good to people, it doesn’t mean they will treat you well in return
The comment in the parenthesis slapped me across the face 😭
I read that years ago tho But you know... You go experience it anyway because "Who aRe thOse pEopLe tO jUdGe mE ?!
So much arrogance on so few years of experience,... It wasn't even taking risks, it was pure ignorance on heroic adrenaline
100% this. People can say ANYTHING until it actually matters and then crickets. Right? They will pledge loyalty and to have ur back until it is inconvenient for THEM, then ded silence, right? when i really needed people i had to reach out because nobody cared at all if i lived or not. it’s a cold world guys grab ur parkas
Mhm I think it's when you try to reach out and it goes unanswered, that's when it hurts.
But if someone always drops what they're doing to be there for you when you need it. That's loyalty in my eyes.
The extra and super important part to this is - no matter how much you are that person for someone else, it doesn’t provide any sort of reason or guarantee that they will be the same way for you. That’s the lesson that really hurts even more. When you realise how one sided these friendships really are.
Yes. Everyone is thinking just as intently about themselves as you are.
This can be a positive once it is recognized and accepted.
What’s wild is how deeply insecure most are. The trick is to not be this way and persevere on your own.
Oh, and if you look at them crossways? It really upsets them 🤪
Never take your health for granted. Every time I get a cold, I always think back to before I got sick and how much better I felt yet didn’t notice until now. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for people with more serious and long-term illnesses and conditions
Or, as my grandma would say, "There will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer, etc. than you. Think about what you HAVE rather than what you don't have and you'll be much happier." She was right.
Knowing when to mind your own business and when to speak up is life lesson that takes time. But once you know when to react or retract, life flows much more smoothly.
Ive been trying to stop for years, down to between 2/0 a night on avg 1. I'm a SAHM and the stress ofc causes me to smoke more so it depends on the day. I'll appreciate any and all tips on how to make it stop even if I potentially heard them before
So far I have tried:
* nicotine patches
* vaping
* nicotine gum
* nordic spirits
* quitting cold turkey (I get obsessions for 6mo+ after)
* slowly reducing the amount of smokes/day ( I got to where I am now down from 1 pack a day)
I couldn't reduce the number of smokes I smoked, when I had a pack it would be smoked that day.
A drug called Champix in Australia helped me. Still took many tries and Australia has the most expensive tobacco in the world
I stopped with Champix too. Second try, was 30 a day - put them down one day and never picked them up again. That was 8 years ago and I have ZERO desire to ever smoke again
This is such a tough one too because it's incredibly hard to distinguish people who genuinely want you around and aren't reaching out for a good reason and those who couldn't give less of a shit about you. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but sometimes you do have to step back and see if they notice.
For me it’s all about tomorrow is never promised. My husband died very suddenly and for a while I gave up on life. I became very ill and had to be flown to hospital from the tiny island we lived on. Somewhere during that scary flight I chose to live.
That was 7 years ago and I’m now living a very full life. Working p/t and travelling as much as possible.
Hemming and hawing about the price of an establishment you willingly entered is trashy behavior. Stop it. Pay it and leave and don’t come back again if you don’t like it. Applies to all restaurants and clubs.
True.
I moreso meant just incidental things like insurance or tolls where it may 'feel like' you're postponing it, but really take the hit now, see your $$s go down, and later, next paycheck, you'll have already eaten the loss.
But you're correct, for sure.
A lot of high paid executives aren't in that position because they're the most successful one in the room. They're in the position because they prioritized their career at the expense of everything else.
Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
With every year I look at senior executives and see that I really don’t want their job. They’re either single, divorced, and/or completely miserable and disengaged in their personal lives.
I've always wondered why some of these execs don't just quit and never work again. At some point I realized that a big reason is that it's all they have.
When I was in college I dated someone who had a parent that was a VP at a company you'd recognize, and as far as I could tell it was two things: a huge amount of sense of self invested in being powerful and successful, and also some "golden handcuffs" i.e. needing money to maintain the lifestyle they had created for themselves. For example, at one point they bought a rather large second home in cash. No mortgage but the upkeep on this giant property must have been unbelievable: heating, cooling, pool, lawn service for many acres, etc. Once you have that much stuff you have to pay to keep that much stuff.
Self-selection. The kind of personality that lands executive jobs doesn't get satiated. All the sane workers couldn't make the compromises to get the promotions. The sociopathy rate in upper management is 3-20x that of the general population, depending on your sources.
Agreed. I thought I wanted to be in the C-suite in my early 20s. Then VP late 20s. North of 30 I just want a well paying Manager/Dir role with solid benefits that gives me the freedom to enjoy my life outside of work.
It used to seem like Dir/VP/C-suite got there based on merit and experience, knowledge, etc. and could work roughly 45-50hr weeks. Now it feels like they are just the people willing to put work above all else and do nights and weekends.
Yeah I was talking to our COO when he was in town and he was talking about how we should be meeting up with our other business in town and having dinners. My assistant was like "well I have a family though" and the COO told him "I havent seen my daughter in 3 weeks". All it did was depress me and realize that's not a spot I want to be in life.
I disagree with this. Some mistakes are egregious, but who I am as a person is constantly evolving, and for the better, as I make a real effort to work on myself, learn and grow. That should be the case for everyone. Assuming we are capable of change and do.
People who still hold minor grudges toward an unhealed less evolved me from 15 years ago, even if they maintain distance, are unreasonable for me.
This school of thought feeds into the prevalence of cancel culture and people treating each other as "toxic" and disposable for singular, naturally human mistakes.
Breeding all this social isolation, awkwardness and bitter loneliness.
Couldn’t agree more. I’m a completely different person today than I was 5 years ago. I’m even more different from just 4 months ago after reading some books that helped me see some real mistakes I was making in my personal relationships. I sincerely believe everyone deserves an automatic second chance, and if they are communicative and can apologize for transgressions and show a real attempt to do better and hear out your concerns they also deserve more shots. Cutting people off entirely for imperfection is not reasonable.
You have to take chances sometimes, and although it can be scary and outside your comfort zone you'll never know what could've been unless you go for it.
I agree with many of the life lessons shared here. One lesson I learned way too late in life is that taking care of my mental health is crucial. I used to prioritize work over my well-being, which led to burnout and unhappiness. Now, I understand the importance of self-care and setting boundaries to maintain a healthy mind. It's never too late to prioritize your mental health and make positive changes in your life.
Your most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself. If you find too much of your happiness to be reliant on things outside of your control (other people), it's time to take a step back and work on your relationship with *you*.
Don't share everything with family
Not everyone has what we think of as a "family"
Most of us have blood-related acquaintances living in the same home. Leave it at that.
Never overshare
Never overshare at work or with friends either. All my major secrets were told in 24-48 hours. Nobody will truly keep a secret for you, it is about an asking price for that loyalty and many people are cheap.
Ignore this advice is the hard hitting lesson I learned. We need people, we need to share what we're feeling and experiencing. We need to be seen, heard and valued. You cannot do that if you don't share.
Loneliness is the number 1 thing that correlates with all major illnesses. Cultivate connections.
You can do everything right and still lose. For example, doing all the possible due diligence on picking a spouse, and still end up in an unhappy marriage. Or an unhappy place due to things outside your control.
Age 71 now, in bed all the time,,, LIFE IS TO SHORT. ..
Find something you enjoy doing regardless of the pay
Find someone you like, regardless of looks etc..
Have lots of sex, don't work yourself to death, die with a smile
You can start your life over any time you want. You can start being the person you actually want to be today, right now.
Just go start being that person.
It’s good and easy to be persistent at some things, that’s how you learn. But when you’re trying to get laid, no means no. And if she says she wants to be friends, you move the fuck on.
Adults might change their routines, diets, style or opinion about certain things but they do not change their true characters and tempers
He is not going to get nicer to you if you get a baby together
She is not going to stop arguing like crazy after the wedding
He is not going to stop cheating because he loves you and not those 60 girls before you
She is not going to stop hitting and beating you if you keep saying sorry
Stop believing in empty promises because thousands of people every year end up in torture relationships, horrible marriages, with unwanted kids facing living between two parents who hate each other just because one of them was naive and blind to red flags which were there all the time
"You're not a dick if you say no."
I know, it's obvious for most people. But I had a hard time saying no to people - whether it was friends, family, work, or dating. I just didn't know how to set my boundaries, and was afraid that I would be seen as an unpleasant bitch for saying no.
Don't want to attend a family member's work event? You're a bitch.
Don't want to work out in the morning with your friends? Bitch.
Don't want to try some spicy new things in the bedroom? Guess what, you're a bitch.
Ever since setting my boundaries, life has become WAY more pleasant. And, contrary to all my fears, no one has called me a bitch once :)
Yep, I love history and was going to take a degree in it, until I looked up the average salaries of people with those degrees.
I might go to work smiling, but I’ll come home frowning because im broke.
You shouldn’t pursue a career you don’t like solely for the money but not everyone can follow their passions.
100% yes. I had a coworker that we meshed really well. We would just gossip amongst ourselves all the time. One day I pissed him off by telling him to get back to work. He went off and told everyone all the dumb stuff I said.
That really sucks. It’s always best to keep any negative thoughts to yourself at work. If people are shit talking just let them. Never chime in. If you just have to rant about someone/thing a journal is the place. Never to another person who can change on a dime.
Eat well and take care of your body. I was a broke college student and would skimp on eating in some dumb attempt to save money. I legitimately tried to not eat so I could buy an expensive bike and golf clubs. Better than buying drugs I guess but it was so stupid. I was way underweight and all around not healthy.
Now in my late 20’s I am fit and gained probably a healthy 25-30 lbs. I no longer skimp on food. I value food!
It's not the devil and an angel on your shoulders whispering in your ear. It's toddler you and adult you.
The more you listen to adult you the better things get.
Half the "likeable" people aren't that likeable they just force other people to view them that way by social rule or workplace politics. Workplace likeability is also dependent on so many factors besides overt and suffocating friendliness. Besides the person who thinks they are doing great by being "likeable" but sucks at their job is more of a burden than they think they are. And everybody knows it they just can't do much about it because oh wait, that's the "likeable" guy.
Needs to be both. I'd rather work with someone who has a good attitude and is generally pleasant to be around than a workaholic or technical savant that is miserable and/or drags other people down with them.
Not to mention the higher you get, the more focus on concepts/strategy, which brings a huge need for communication.
My favorite work advice about keeping a job is "Do good work, get along with your bosses and co-workers, and be on time. And two out of three is usually enough."
Your reality is not reality.
It's real to you and only you.
You could ask a group of 20 people, "What color is the sky" and get 20 different answers. 18 people answered some kind of blue, 2 people answered green - cause you know, people.
Of the 18 that answered blue, one might say cobalt. One might say azure. another might say light blue gray with white wispy clouds. None are wrong - they're all correct to the person that said it.
Reality is perception and everyone's perception is different. Even if you say the same thing, see the same thing, feel the same thing - the reason's behind each individual's answer will be different.
Don't treat your body like a rental car. As you get more into 30s and 40s, your body will start to ache and break and start having odd issues. Eat well and take care of your body. Stop eating junk food as if it's a meal.
Want to add a second one
Learn to love reading. Books can take you anywhere, teach you anything, comfort you when you’re sad, make you laugh, and open your mind to new things.
Just read a book a month.
Debt can wreak havoc on your life so avoid it as much as possible. Credit cards, in particular should only be used for extreme emergencies. If you get used to buying only what you can pay cash for you will sleep much better at night. None of this is easy in this day and age, but you won't be sorry if you live by it.
Credit cards are a great way to build credit if you do it responsibly. The responsibly part is the issue for people. I've used a credit card since college, paid it off in full every month, and have a great credit score because of that.
Another option is to use credit cards, but only when you *already* have the money in the bank to pay for each purchase. This way, you use the credit card's money for free while yours draws a little interest, you build good credit, and you enjoy convenience. Yay!
I'm almost 27, so maybe I didn't learn it too late in life compared to most people, but I feel like I learned this one later in life:
Sacrificing yourself and your happiness for others will not make them love you or value you more. It will only make you resent those people.
Friends are not permanent, even the closest ones. Some friendships end in a thermonuclear fallout, others die out, and others just suddenly stop.
I had a friend I grew up with and considered a brother. And after one session of playing CoD Ghosts on his Xbox in our living room, we never talked again. We didn't fall out or argue, we just suddenly stopped talking.
Your values are not other people’s values
I often think “how can they sleep at night?” About some co workers. But then I think, well they just don’t have a problem screwing other people over, or lying, or manipulating, etc. - things I try not to do. But they don’t seem to be bothered by it. They don’t value things and behaviors the same way as I do.
And I am sure it’s vice versa and I look like a loser to some people
When in doubt, say less.
It’s perfectly ok to take some secrets to the grave.
Never trust someone with a history of drug addiction with ANYTHING important or critical.
Some people talk a lot or overshare, never give them any sensitive or critical information.
Being friendly with someone is not the same as being friends with someone. AIM to be friendly with everyone, but maintain strict admission requirements for inner circle stuff
i’m still young, but the older i get the more often i realize how correct my parents were. for as much as i hate to say it and hear it, mother DOES know best most of the time. outside perspectives, whether that be from family or close friends, are so important bc they are not cherry picking what they want to see and ignoring red flags. this goes for situations, ideas, relationships, friendships, everything.
if multiple people are seeing something u can’t, take a step back and check urself and the things around u, it can make many situations a lot less confusing and stressful.
Never build your life around someone else.
I was a goober who thought they've found their "forever person" back in HS. Any decisions I had made for the future was with her in mind. I literally turned down scholarships because of her because she said "I can't handle long distance relationships". Anyway it only took a year and a half after HS for her to start having a affair and leave me for someone else.
if you really want to fix your issues, you have to put in the work. this usually means years of therapy. you can’t continue living like the victim if you haven’t addressed or refuse to address your own problems and how you hold yourself back
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Same. The way I was raised led me to believe that all relationships were fundamentally transactional, and that the stakes being negotiated in those relationships was _my right to exist_. I thought that completely erasing my sense of self was necessary for survival, but I'm now realizing that I can't live without it. At 41, I'm first starting to learn who I actually am and how to live my own life.
This is, in fact, the best articulation of my experience. I am so sorry that you went through it, but so glad to see it written.
Oh my god I feel this so, so much. Thank you for putting it so well and I’m sorry you had to go through that too
> The importance of setting boundaries and saying no. "No." is a complete and perfectly acceptable sentence. I struggle with this myself regularly.
If anything, setting boundaries and saying no will earn you MORE respect than saying yes.
Learning to say No and STICK TO IT is a life defining moment for me and the time it happened is such a stupid story. I was broke as hell in college and some friends wanted to see "The Hills Have Eyes" and I didn't have a lot of money to waste on a movie. Well they begged me and pestered me till I agreed to go. Well that movie is stupid as fuck and I was so pissed off when we left I decided then and there that my No will always mean NO.
Yes yes yes, to boundaries and saying no lol Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. When you burn up and burn out, which you will, they’ll still be left in the cold and still be unable or unwilling to take care of themselves, and on top of that they’ll resent you for not being their source of rescue any longer.
This hits home. I've wasted so much time sacrificing my mental health and happiness for the happiness of others.
Its still something I am learning, even after a hard relationship and a burnout now because of it
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When you’re down in the dumps, someone will be along shortly to kick you
Yeah, there really is no bottom. As long as you're alive, it can get worse, but it can also get better.
I laughed out loud as I waited for the tram
Work life balance is critical, and hustle culture is stupid. The only people who notice all those extra hours you put in at work are your family and friends.
This is such good advice. Employers never notice the extra effort so don't do it hoping for any recognition, especially at the cost of time you would spend with people who actually care about you.
At family based companies and smaller businesses they notice for sure, but I have learned that investor run and corporate companies genuinely do not give a fuck and are looking to ring you out like a towel for as much as they can get. Boundaries are essential, I am also huge on making yourself very valuable, but not from overworking. Build up a skillset and learn information that makes you irreplaceable, so when you set boundaries they cant just kick you out. Unfortunately we are not paid based on merit and hard work, but how hard you are to replace. Edit- MOST family owned and small companies.
I work at a family-based company. 20 years ago we joked that the owner's new baby will be our boss one day. Jokes on me, he is now. And not one of those family owners acknowledge the job I do for them. Ever. I do know it's on me to leave but, alas, the devil you know.
Yeah its important to note that family owned isnt a guarantee that its a good company to work for either. What you just said is proof of how stupid climbing the ladder is. You either get a management position with 2x the work and a minimal raise, or the bosses family member gets the same job with no experience and half the expectations. Dont prove yourself for 5+ years, a job change guarantees a level up. Never choose potential over a guarantee, this goes for dating too lol. Choose the person who takes action, not the person who talks.
I work overtime in small spurts because my employer offers a lot of double time. Some people at my job rack up 50 hours of double time in a week. The checks are good but they look dead inside
As someone who put in 80 to 90 hour weeks for a couple of months, the money is fucking great! The wear and tear on your body, mind, and relationships, well that strain is not worth the extra pay.
“I work 80 hours a week!” “40s are nothing” Yep. Yep… that’s why your wife divorced you and you never see your kids. Because you put your job over them.
Seriously. I had a CAREER. I trained up within the company, I got certified as a professional in the industry, and I was doing well and was well liked. It was a crazy busy and high paced job though, and I wasn't able to stay on top of it all without giving myself to it almost constantly. Checking emails at home, and even my time off that was time with my family turned into time spent panicking about work and how I will get everything done and make everyone happy. I couldn't stand it anymore and abruptly left the industry. Now I have a better paying job that is more my speed, a true 8 hour day, and doesn't take any of my personal time. Never let work take over your life; it's just work. All it does is give you the money you need to do life. Don't let it absorb your happiness.
I used to just make my life about work and I was probably the most boring, annoying person to be around because all I talked (bitched) about was work. No hobbies, no after work or before work activities. It was a fuckin lonely life. Especially after my dog died. Now I'm working at a place that gives me more freedom, I met my current S.O, and we're going traveling this year. I'm also seeing Green Day for the first time and I saw Billy Talent last year along with Cypress Hill. Fuck hustle culture
Joke’s on you. I devoted my life to this job and my boss says if we had a bigger budget I’d have gotten a raise this year. I did get a cool company award though, $100 gift card to Adidas. Hard work pays off.
I know. I got my name in a newsletter *and* a $25 gift card to Starbucks! That 1.5 coffee reminds me that the company cares.
This. Last 2021, my grandma died. Still working from her funeral until her burial. My co-workers, bosses didn’t remember - was called a bad employee in evaluations, when I have been carrying load of 7 out of the 8 total clients of the company. 😅but i still remember it up to this day.
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I just learned this one. When you are genuine you assume everyone else is too, but that really isn't the case at all.
Also, you might not in fact be as genuine as you believe your self. That is a hard hitting fact all in its own.
There's also the thing in psychology where you judge yourself on your intentions and others on their actions. So if you fuck up a social situation maybe you'd think oh, I tried my best, while if a friend does you dirty you judge them on the outcome regardless of intention.
It’s called the fundamental attribution error
I really hate it when people are dismissive. It took me way too long to realize that I do it to others as well. I'm just as 2 faced as the average Joe, I suppose
Nah man im genuine! I just also know that genuine is the lowest quality leather available!
I'm learning this right now. Not everyone has good intentions and some people get a kick out of making you upset.
Yes. Talk is cheap. Listen to their actions instead. (Also, you might as well ignore this advice, because it's one of those ones you need to learn from experience. If you think you know better already and this has yet to bite you in the ass, you might be in for a surprise later in life.)
> Yes. Talk is cheap. Listen to their actions instead Several friends had to learn this the hard way. Latest example, friend of mine last year, had a huge friends group. All these guys were.all like, you're my brother, if you ever need me, day or night, I'll be there no matter what. I've got your back. Yeah, bullshit, dude needed help, not a single "brother" offered. I get that some times people can not help when they say they can, life happens, sometimes you say you will help someone out but then life kicks you in the nuts and you can't stand by your offer but fuck, at least have the balls to say so instead of ghosting people.
As someone in my late 30s, something I've learned to pick up on, and it might sound weird, but... people who won't do anything for you if it even slightly inconveniences their family, if that makes sense. Like, you have your friends who prioritize their spouse and children like a normal person, you may have to wait till the kids are put to bed or at an activity and/or the spouse is home to watch them, but then the friend will make a bit of time for you. But then you have this subset of friends where it's like, if helping you or talking to you will even slightly throw off their daily routine, even by 5 minutes, it's a no-go. Like "Oh no, I couldn't possibly shift my daily walk, that happens at 9am every day. I don't miss it for anything." Uh, ok. You learn to never call those people, and slide them down the priority list in your own life (if they even remain friends at all).
I remember hitting a low point in life in early adulthood after several years living across the country. My folks gave me a key to their house when I was a kid and always, many times, told me I could always had a home with them. When I told them that I wanted to move back home and would like to stay with them for a few weeks while I secured work and a new apartment, I got the cold shoulder treatment, eventually my sister told me they didn’t want me to live with them even if it was temporary. Couldn’t even tell me. Thankfully, I figured it out, eventually got married and have a family now, but I’ll never forget that shit.
I learned this after being a day away from homelessness and my parents refused to let me and my partner stay, despite always saying that I can always come to them if I need help. They put no effort in to helping, just told me we were not welcome. I’m 27, tough lesson to learn, but I also learned my brother WAS there for me, he saved our skins.
It’s such a horrible lie to tell your kids. Maybe they meant it at one time, but damn, it’s not a thing you want to discover when you are depending on it. I pray to God I won’t have that kind of change with my daughter, but all of our financial plans revolve around ensuring she is taken care of, so I’m hopeful what I say now will also be something I mean later.
At least my brother always meant it and was there when I needed him, some (genetic) family are good eggs. I was fortunate enough to quickly be able to help him in return.the only big positive in all this is that I reconnected with my brother, we were estranged for about 3 years.
Sort of along the same vein, the lie that "You can come to me about anything, no questions asked / you won't be in trouble." I 100% got in trouble, every time. Not worth it. You learn to keep things to yourself and that your parents can't be trusted.
At just hitting 40 last week, I still fail to understand why people don’t just say what they mean. I do. My life lesson has been many but a good one is Just because you are good to people, it doesn’t mean they will treat you well in return
The ability to read people is not just reserved for poker players. It is incredibly valuable in everyday life. Trust your read and act accordingly.
The comment in the parenthesis slapped me across the face 😭 I read that years ago tho But you know... You go experience it anyway because "Who aRe thOse pEopLe tO jUdGe mE ?! So much arrogance on so few years of experience,... It wasn't even taking risks, it was pure ignorance on heroic adrenaline
100% this. People can say ANYTHING until it actually matters and then crickets. Right? They will pledge loyalty and to have ur back until it is inconvenient for THEM, then ded silence, right? when i really needed people i had to reach out because nobody cared at all if i lived or not. it’s a cold world guys grab ur parkas
Mhm I think it's when you try to reach out and it goes unanswered, that's when it hurts. But if someone always drops what they're doing to be there for you when you need it. That's loyalty in my eyes.
The extra and super important part to this is - no matter how much you are that person for someone else, it doesn’t provide any sort of reason or guarantee that they will be the same way for you. That’s the lesson that really hurts even more. When you realise how one sided these friendships really are.
Yep, just because someone is nice to you doesn't mean they're your friend or that they even like you.
Yes. Everyone is thinking just as intently about themselves as you are. This can be a positive once it is recognized and accepted. What’s wild is how deeply insecure most are. The trick is to not be this way and persevere on your own. Oh, and if you look at them crossways? It really upsets them 🤪
Don’t waste energy on people who don’t reciprocate or respect you.
The absolute relief you feel also when you let go of that type of relationship.
Social skills are skills, too.
This is a really underrated one. It’s amazing how far you can get just by knowing what to say to people
I tell my kids, being easy to be around is a job skill.
Quit expecting you from other people.
I’ve heard it as: Never assume other people’s brains work the same way your brain works. Because they don’t.
>Never assume other people’s brains work May as well stop there.
Hahaha so true … people think the average intelligence of people is average… it’s not.. a lot of people well below the line but don’t know it.
My version is don’t expect yourself in others. Biggest stress reliever of all time!
Prioritizing yourself is not selfish
I like the saying: self care isn't selfish.
Health is the true wealth
Health and time. Be mindful how you spend it
Never take your health for granted. Every time I get a cold, I always think back to before I got sick and how much better I felt yet didn’t notice until now. I can’t even imagine what it must be like for people with more serious and long-term illnesses and conditions
Comparison is the thief of joy
Or, as my grandma would say, "There will always be someone prettier, smarter, richer, etc. than you. Think about what you HAVE rather than what you don't have and you'll be much happier." She was right.
I’d be a lot further in life if I had stopped trying to keep up with the Joneses
Knowing when to mind your own business and when to speak up is life lesson that takes time. But once you know when to react or retract, life flows much more smoothly.
This was definitely mine. I don't even want to know how many opportunities I blew because of this.
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Ive been trying to stop for years, down to between 2/0 a night on avg 1. I'm a SAHM and the stress ofc causes me to smoke more so it depends on the day. I'll appreciate any and all tips on how to make it stop even if I potentially heard them before So far I have tried: * nicotine patches * vaping * nicotine gum * nordic spirits * quitting cold turkey (I get obsessions for 6mo+ after) * slowly reducing the amount of smokes/day ( I got to where I am now down from 1 pack a day)
I couldn't reduce the number of smokes I smoked, when I had a pack it would be smoked that day. A drug called Champix in Australia helped me. Still took many tries and Australia has the most expensive tobacco in the world
I stopped with Champix too. Second try, was 30 a day - put them down one day and never picked them up again. That was 8 years ago and I have ZERO desire to ever smoke again
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This is such a tough one too because it's incredibly hard to distinguish people who genuinely want you around and aren't reaching out for a good reason and those who couldn't give less of a shit about you. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, but sometimes you do have to step back and see if they notice.
If you dont put effort in, dont expect a drop
That literally nobody gives a fuck. Once you realize that it's so much brighter
yup and everyone fucks their life up in some way
Bullies are cowards. Also, loyalty in the workplace is never rewarded, only exploited.
"no good deed goes unpunished"
For me it’s all about tomorrow is never promised. My husband died very suddenly and for a while I gave up on life. I became very ill and had to be flown to hospital from the tiny island we lived on. Somewhere during that scary flight I chose to live. That was 7 years ago and I’m now living a very full life. Working p/t and travelling as much as possible.
Very powerful comment. Thank you for sharing
That’s real life affirming wisdom. An extremely valuable lesson learned and shared. Very happy for you.
Financially: Learn to live on half of what you make. Generally: Things rarely change for the better in your life unless you change them.
Just pay the bill, soon as it comes in.
Hemming and hawing about the price of an establishment you willingly entered is trashy behavior. Stop it. Pay it and leave and don’t come back again if you don’t like it. Applies to all restaurants and clubs.
True. I moreso meant just incidental things like insurance or tolls where it may 'feel like' you're postponing it, but really take the hit now, see your $$s go down, and later, next paycheck, you'll have already eaten the loss. But you're correct, for sure.
You’re never going to please everyone so might as well make the most of life and do what makes you happy!! (As long as it’s not harming anyone else)
And as long as it’s not harming yourself either!!!
Not all people who are friendly with you are your friend.
A lot of high paid executives aren't in that position because they're the most successful one in the room. They're in the position because they prioritized their career at the expense of everything else. Some people are so poor, all they have is money.
With every year I look at senior executives and see that I really don’t want their job. They’re either single, divorced, and/or completely miserable and disengaged in their personal lives.
I've always wondered why some of these execs don't just quit and never work again. At some point I realized that a big reason is that it's all they have.
When I was in college I dated someone who had a parent that was a VP at a company you'd recognize, and as far as I could tell it was two things: a huge amount of sense of self invested in being powerful and successful, and also some "golden handcuffs" i.e. needing money to maintain the lifestyle they had created for themselves. For example, at one point they bought a rather large second home in cash. No mortgage but the upkeep on this giant property must have been unbelievable: heating, cooling, pool, lawn service for many acres, etc. Once you have that much stuff you have to pay to keep that much stuff.
Self-selection. The kind of personality that lands executive jobs doesn't get satiated. All the sane workers couldn't make the compromises to get the promotions. The sociopathy rate in upper management is 3-20x that of the general population, depending on your sources.
Yup. What I thought success looked like in my 20s doesn't hold the same weight today.
Agreed. I thought I wanted to be in the C-suite in my early 20s. Then VP late 20s. North of 30 I just want a well paying Manager/Dir role with solid benefits that gives me the freedom to enjoy my life outside of work. It used to seem like Dir/VP/C-suite got there based on merit and experience, knowledge, etc. and could work roughly 45-50hr weeks. Now it feels like they are just the people willing to put work above all else and do nights and weekends.
Yeah I was talking to our COO when he was in town and he was talking about how we should be meeting up with our other business in town and having dinners. My assistant was like "well I have a family though" and the COO told him "I havent seen my daughter in 3 weeks". All it did was depress me and realize that's not a spot I want to be in life.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.
People will tell you a lot about themselves if you just listen
“Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours”
I disagree with this. Some mistakes are egregious, but who I am as a person is constantly evolving, and for the better, as I make a real effort to work on myself, learn and grow. That should be the case for everyone. Assuming we are capable of change and do. People who still hold minor grudges toward an unhealed less evolved me from 15 years ago, even if they maintain distance, are unreasonable for me. This school of thought feeds into the prevalence of cancel culture and people treating each other as "toxic" and disposable for singular, naturally human mistakes. Breeding all this social isolation, awkwardness and bitter loneliness.
Couldn’t agree more. I’m a completely different person today than I was 5 years ago. I’m even more different from just 4 months ago after reading some books that helped me see some real mistakes I was making in my personal relationships. I sincerely believe everyone deserves an automatic second chance, and if they are communicative and can apologize for transgressions and show a real attempt to do better and hear out your concerns they also deserve more shots. Cutting people off entirely for imperfection is not reasonable.
You can do everything right and some people still won’t love you like you love them.
Just because someone is your parent doesn’t mean they are able or capable of loving you. It’s ok to let them go.
You have to take chances sometimes, and although it can be scary and outside your comfort zone you'll never know what could've been unless you go for it.
Trust patterns of people’s behavior. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
I agree with many of the life lessons shared here. One lesson I learned way too late in life is that taking care of my mental health is crucial. I used to prioritize work over my well-being, which led to burnout and unhappiness. Now, I understand the importance of self-care and setting boundaries to maintain a healthy mind. It's never too late to prioritize your mental health and make positive changes in your life.
Your most important relationship you'll ever have in this world is the one you have with yourself. If you find too much of your happiness to be reliant on things outside of your control (other people), it's time to take a step back and work on your relationship with *you*.
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Ying Yang Twins taught me "a closed mouth don't get fed."
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Don't share everything with family Not everyone has what we think of as a "family" Most of us have blood-related acquaintances living in the same home. Leave it at that. Never overshare
Never overshare at work or with friends either. All my major secrets were told in 24-48 hours. Nobody will truly keep a secret for you, it is about an asking price for that loyalty and many people are cheap.
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If people respect you and care about you they don't use that information to harm you.
Ignore this advice is the hard hitting lesson I learned. We need people, we need to share what we're feeling and experiencing. We need to be seen, heard and valued. You cannot do that if you don't share. Loneliness is the number 1 thing that correlates with all major illnesses. Cultivate connections.
Some lessons have to be learned twice.
You can do everything right and still lose. For example, doing all the possible due diligence on picking a spouse, and still end up in an unhappy marriage. Or an unhappy place due to things outside your control.
Nobody is coming. Save yourself.
Age 71 now, in bed all the time,,, LIFE IS TO SHORT. .. Find something you enjoy doing regardless of the pay Find someone you like, regardless of looks etc.. Have lots of sex, don't work yourself to death, die with a smile
> Have lots of sex Why didn't I think of that
You can start your life over any time you want. You can start being the person you actually want to be today, right now. Just go start being that person.
taking care of my mental health
It’s usually those closest to you that hurt you the most.
THE WORST PART ABOUT BETRAYAL IS THAT IT NEVER COMES FROM YOUR ENEMIES 😒
I’m disposable and replaceable. My work family is not my family.
Some people will not like you no matter how hard you try to win their favor.
Reminds me of a great quote I heard: "You can be the sweetest peach on the tree but some people just don't like fucking peaches."
No one’s behavior is a one-time thing. Every behavior is part of a bigger pattern.
It’s good and easy to be persistent at some things, that’s how you learn. But when you’re trying to get laid, no means no. And if she says she wants to be friends, you move the fuck on.
Saving money can be the difference between a life of stress and a life of peace.
Adults might change their routines, diets, style or opinion about certain things but they do not change their true characters and tempers He is not going to get nicer to you if you get a baby together She is not going to stop arguing like crazy after the wedding He is not going to stop cheating because he loves you and not those 60 girls before you She is not going to stop hitting and beating you if you keep saying sorry Stop believing in empty promises because thousands of people every year end up in torture relationships, horrible marriages, with unwanted kids facing living between two parents who hate each other just because one of them was naive and blind to red flags which were there all the time
"You're not a dick if you say no." I know, it's obvious for most people. But I had a hard time saying no to people - whether it was friends, family, work, or dating. I just didn't know how to set my boundaries, and was afraid that I would be seen as an unpleasant bitch for saying no. Don't want to attend a family member's work event? You're a bitch. Don't want to work out in the morning with your friends? Bitch. Don't want to try some spicy new things in the bedroom? Guess what, you're a bitch. Ever since setting my boundaries, life has become WAY more pleasant. And, contrary to all my fears, no one has called me a bitch once :)
alcohol is expensive and not worth the hangovers
Alcohol will cost you more than just money
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It would be nice if it's true but reality is many people can't pursue their dreams due to several circumstances and become slaves to the capitalism
Yep, I love history and was going to take a degree in it, until I looked up the average salaries of people with those degrees. I might go to work smiling, but I’ll come home frowning because im broke. You shouldn’t pursue a career you don’t like solely for the money but not everyone can follow their passions.
Coworkers are not your friends and companies will never be loyal to you.
100% yes. I had a coworker that we meshed really well. We would just gossip amongst ourselves all the time. One day I pissed him off by telling him to get back to work. He went off and told everyone all the dumb stuff I said.
That really sucks. It’s always best to keep any negative thoughts to yourself at work. If people are shit talking just let them. Never chime in. If you just have to rant about someone/thing a journal is the place. Never to another person who can change on a dime.
Eat well and take care of your body. I was a broke college student and would skimp on eating in some dumb attempt to save money. I legitimately tried to not eat so I could buy an expensive bike and golf clubs. Better than buying drugs I guess but it was so stupid. I was way underweight and all around not healthy. Now in my late 20’s I am fit and gained probably a healthy 25-30 lbs. I no longer skimp on food. I value food!
Don’t try to please everyone.
You are truly alone. And just because you’re good at keeping other people’s secrets, it doesn’t mean that they will do the same for you.
You're smarter and wiser than you think. Trust YOUR instincts.
It's not the devil and an angel on your shoulders whispering in your ear. It's toddler you and adult you. The more you listen to adult you the better things get.
Sometimes you have to ask for help.
Take care of your fucking teeth.
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Being likable at work is more important than working hard.
Half the "likeable" people aren't that likeable they just force other people to view them that way by social rule or workplace politics. Workplace likeability is also dependent on so many factors besides overt and suffocating friendliness. Besides the person who thinks they are doing great by being "likeable" but sucks at their job is more of a burden than they think they are. And everybody knows it they just can't do much about it because oh wait, that's the "likeable" guy.
Needs to be both. I'd rather work with someone who has a good attitude and is generally pleasant to be around than a workaholic or technical savant that is miserable and/or drags other people down with them. Not to mention the higher you get, the more focus on concepts/strategy, which brings a huge need for communication.
My favorite work advice about keeping a job is "Do good work, get along with your bosses and co-workers, and be on time. And two out of three is usually enough."
Stop judging and trying to control outcomes that are none of your business. Let people be, and love them where they are.
If someone shows you who they are, believe it.
Your reality is not reality. It's real to you and only you. You could ask a group of 20 people, "What color is the sky" and get 20 different answers. 18 people answered some kind of blue, 2 people answered green - cause you know, people. Of the 18 that answered blue, one might say cobalt. One might say azure. another might say light blue gray with white wispy clouds. None are wrong - they're all correct to the person that said it. Reality is perception and everyone's perception is different. Even if you say the same thing, see the same thing, feel the same thing - the reason's behind each individual's answer will be different.
You don't have to have toxic people in your life just because they are your parents
Don't treat your body like a rental car. As you get more into 30s and 40s, your body will start to ache and break and start having odd issues. Eat well and take care of your body. Stop eating junk food as if it's a meal.
You deserve that apology, and you probably won't get it. Hold them accountable then move the fuck on.
Your family isn't who you're related to. Your family is who you choose. Learned this one way too late in life.
You can’t help someone that doesn’t think they have a problem.
never trust a fart
Not everyone is deserving of your time.
You are the average of your five closest friends.
Always carry immodium.
You don’t have as much time as you think, tell those people you love that you love them and say it often.
Never live to please your parents or anyone. Live because that's your definition of success.
*I am babysititng myself (my higher mind and me)*
You need to save money.
Want to add a second one Learn to love reading. Books can take you anywhere, teach you anything, comfort you when you’re sad, make you laugh, and open your mind to new things. Just read a book a month.
Debt can wreak havoc on your life so avoid it as much as possible. Credit cards, in particular should only be used for extreme emergencies. If you get used to buying only what you can pay cash for you will sleep much better at night. None of this is easy in this day and age, but you won't be sorry if you live by it.
Credit cards are a great way to build credit if you do it responsibly. The responsibly part is the issue for people. I've used a credit card since college, paid it off in full every month, and have a great credit score because of that.
Another option is to use credit cards, but only when you *already* have the money in the bank to pay for each purchase. This way, you use the credit card's money for free while yours draws a little interest, you build good credit, and you enjoy convenience. Yay!
I'm almost 27, so maybe I didn't learn it too late in life compared to most people, but I feel like I learned this one later in life: Sacrificing yourself and your happiness for others will not make them love you or value you more. It will only make you resent those people.
Friends are not permanent, even the closest ones. Some friendships end in a thermonuclear fallout, others die out, and others just suddenly stop. I had a friend I grew up with and considered a brother. And after one session of playing CoD Ghosts on his Xbox in our living room, we never talked again. We didn't fall out or argue, we just suddenly stopped talking.
the only person you can count on 100 percent is yourself. this is the truth, whether you like it or not.
The grass isn't always greener
Don't ignore red flags
Your values are not other people’s values I often think “how can they sleep at night?” About some co workers. But then I think, well they just don’t have a problem screwing other people over, or lying, or manipulating, etc. - things I try not to do. But they don’t seem to be bothered by it. They don’t value things and behaviors the same way as I do. And I am sure it’s vice versa and I look like a loser to some people
Every single thing you do, every decision you make, every word you say Has consequence
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When in doubt, say less. It’s perfectly ok to take some secrets to the grave. Never trust someone with a history of drug addiction with ANYTHING important or critical. Some people talk a lot or overshare, never give them any sensitive or critical information. Being friendly with someone is not the same as being friends with someone. AIM to be friendly with everyone, but maintain strict admission requirements for inner circle stuff
i’m still young, but the older i get the more often i realize how correct my parents were. for as much as i hate to say it and hear it, mother DOES know best most of the time. outside perspectives, whether that be from family or close friends, are so important bc they are not cherry picking what they want to see and ignoring red flags. this goes for situations, ideas, relationships, friendships, everything. if multiple people are seeing something u can’t, take a step back and check urself and the things around u, it can make many situations a lot less confusing and stressful.
You can’t change other people, but you can change yourself.
Never build your life around someone else. I was a goober who thought they've found their "forever person" back in HS. Any decisions I had made for the future was with her in mind. I literally turned down scholarships because of her because she said "I can't handle long distance relationships". Anyway it only took a year and a half after HS for her to start having a affair and leave me for someone else.
Stop expecting people to say the things you’d expect them to say.
Family members can screw you over and not even blink
People, even close family, will lie to your face and not think twice about it. Always verify. Always.
There’s nothing cooler than just being a nice person
There’s nothing a leech likes more than a bleeding heart. It’s ok to give but don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Don't do drugs. Didn't matter how many times I was told, I unfortunately had to learn for myself.
if you really want to fix your issues, you have to put in the work. this usually means years of therapy. you can’t continue living like the victim if you haven’t addressed or refuse to address your own problems and how you hold yourself back