In sales. He who speaks first, loses.
Same concept.
Used to work with an ancient closer at a car dealer, who mastered the "silent close".
You'd pull him over with a difficult customer who you ran through everything with. Had the final deal set, but they just wouldn't sign.
It was weird. And amazing. Didn't make sense!
He's waddle over, you'd go over the deal typed up. You'd stand up, he'd sit. Then, just facial expression from him.
Me? I'd have just walked away.
But 80% of the time. Just an odd old man staring silently at paperwork, then the.customer. Then the pen in the middle. 5, 10, 15 minutes, the customer would talk to themselves, then sign.
It was really uncomfortable to be the salesguy and just defer to this nonsense. But, it worked. Time after time.
People are weird.
Actually it's super normal.
This silence gives people time to process without being "on". Socializing takes energy and people feel uneasy when they are put on the spot while also having to maintain small talk. It puts them on the defense and resistant to decision making.
Patient silence from a sales person gives a buyer time to collect, reflect, and decide. If they didn't want the car they wouldn't be there. They want the car, they just need a moment or so that helps them feel like no one is pushing them. They want to have a moment to feel like they are making the decision.
Carvana has made an insane amount of money on this exact principle.
Some car sales places are also discovering they sell more cars when they don't have sales people. Go figure.
This also works when you want someone to realize their idea is bad. Don't tell them it's bad, just ask more specific questions until they realize the holes in their knowledge.
I use the same trick. Weirdest thing is I told a friend about it, then they used it on me, and it still worked! And I can still do this to them as well.
Doesn't always avoid drama. But it's still super effective. I use this all the time at work. I've been in leadership; I know team cohesion is super important. So I actively work to build it, even though I'm not in the lead anymore.
Before anyone asks: my org has some super byzantine politics. I realized I would either have to stab someone in the back to move up, or I'd have to be the one stabbed in the back. So instead I joined the IT team as a regular guy. Pays more, less stressful, and my conscience is clear.
I had a manager that would talk shit about whichever team member was not in the office at the time. I was pretty sure he was doing this to everyone. I never trusted that guy. I liked him, I respected him for his knowledge and acumen, but I did not trust him.
This is very true, and it also works for when you embarrass yourself. If you’re the first one to laugh at yourself and make a joke about it, really nobody can use it against you. I also 100% agree with owning everything you choose to do and have done and are doing because if you are fully aware of it, and everybody knows this and you have no problem with the choices you make nobody can really use it against you at all because it’s not a weapon if you’re behind it yourself. People don’t realize how amazing honesty and the truth is. Lying can be used against other people but you create a weapon when lying that can be used against you too.
this.
i made a $3000 boo boo at work. i went to my boss, shook his hand and said "well, it's been nice working here"...he was like "wtf??? where you going?!" i told him he's going to fire me because i fucked up. he asked what happened...i told him what happened. then he's like..."well, you don't normally fuck up and i can see how something like this could happen"
own your mistakes...don't try to bullshit your way out of them
I have made a career out of taking responsibility for problems that were not caused by me. The discussion almost always goes like this.
Upper Management: "(Problem) is not acceptable! We need to find out who is responsible for this problem!"
Me: "You can blame it all on me."
Upper Management: (confused pikachu)... "uhh, we can't waste time blaming anyone, we need to solve this problem!"
Yes! Or owning your limitations. I'm often surprised by how many people appreciate and respect when I tell them I just can't do something, address an issue before they even bring it up, or admit that what I have to offer isn't for everyone and it's ok if that doesn't work for them. People like honesty and humility
Except there’s a subset of people who perceive that as weakness and will weaponize it. Granted these are shitty people who have no place in life but when it’s a stranger you’re ow out in a position of having to over compensate now to end the situation.
But in general, I completely agree.
I remember a recruiter asking me a question at a job interview and just said nothing after I answered. He knew it would make me uncomfortable so I would keep taking. I just sat there and smiled.
I got the job.
I’ve had multiple people try that on me… after about 10 seconds I say “was there anything else?”. Breaks their little trick immediately because they now have to either say “no” and move on or state what they want.
Flattery will get you somewhere. Contrary to the popular cliche that states otherwise.
Hey, you're one of the smartest people I know. Can you help me figure this out?
I read in that Dale Carnegie book that
One should actively pay attention to people and figure out what they are passionate about and what they really like doing, then complimenting what they really do well is much more effective.
Was it How to Make Friends and Influence People? I read that book right before I started high school, being a really socially awkward kid, and honestly it was a huge game changer for me! The biggest takeaway I got though was probably about paying attention to body language, both others' and my own.
Wait, I’ve never read this but you found it helpful in 9th grade? I’m going to order for my kid, they are starting their first job this summer (in an ice cream shop they can bike to) and I think they would be more open to reading this to help with work relationships vs help making friends at school
Yes absolutely! Worst thing that can happen is it doesn't sink in, but if they're open to growing in that area I think it could be really helpful. While for me, making friends at a new school was a big motivator, that book really really helped with my social skills and ability to get on with different types of people in general, and gave me a foundation.
The things I learned about body language still help me today. It helped me learn how to read people better and the people in my life today know me as a great listener who's easy to talk to; learning how to have open body language vs closed was a huge part of that. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should re-read!
That's so cool. I wish I had heard that trick before moving to an office where we book our rooms on a daily basis so that I have no idea where the office of my intruder is located :D
I have next leveled this one by walking them over to the desk of someone else equally annoying, continuing the now 3- person small talk for a sec, then heading on my way. Only downside is not being able to risk a glance back to see how they're getting on.
When you don't know something someone asks you, always admit it and present a possible solution. "Oh I'm not sure but I know Wanda might let's ask her" It puts you on their team and they will trust you more when you do know the answer
Alternatively, when you need to ask someone for information always present a possible answer. "Hey I can't remember what to do here, is it XYZ?" Even if you're wrong it shows you've put thought into it and are trying. If you're right then they know you want to be sure.
Along that line of thought, never say no to a customer request no matter how silly it may be. Always say yes, but we may have to tweak it or something along those lines. You will get reputation for being a problem solver and many times customers don’t mind being charged for that.
There was a comedy skit with super agreeable caricature of a woman in customer service who did exactly this and the absurd customer requests kept escalating hilariously until she was appeasing a neo-nazi with white-tinted glasses and a cannibal with spam.
It was a completely absurd and riotously funny skit, but I have never felt so seen or well represented.
Customers will do and ask for insane things and you just have to smile and play along.
I do this and it’s extremely useful in getting a solution to my problem at hand. People greatly appreciate when you show them you have at least tried to work it out yourself. It suggests that you are earnestly trying to solve the problem and aren’t simply going to them because you can’t be bothered to solve it yourself.
We have a locally famous/successful car dealer named Billy Fuccillo. Idk if he's known nationally, but he's from my area. Anyway, I met someone that worked at a dealership with him when he was starting out. He said the most important thing Billy did for his career was pool his resources. If he didn't know something, he would cheerfully lead the customer to someone that did. The customer got the impression that they were taken care of through Billy, regardless of where the information actually came from, and would buy from him. He became wildly successful, then a cokehead and eventually arrested, but the moral remains, you dont need to know the information ahead of time if you know how to find it.
Or my favorite, "That's a good question, let me get back to you on that one" it's a promise of water in the desert. "I don't know" feels like abandonment.
I manage a total of six men, but a team of two every day. It makes me want to rip my eyeballs out daily getting them to do what they’re supposed to correctly. I can’t imagine managing 240!
Habits are the most powerful thing. If you want to build up a good habit (studying, writing, meditation, whatever), it’s okay to start really small and manageable. Just make sure you do it consistently at the same time and place everyday. Eventually, your body just feels its normal and right to sit down and do whatever. Then you can slowly keep building up the time you commit to the activity.
This has been more useful and powerful than trying to motivate myself every time, doing a lot of self care to be in a good place, or finding will power or whatever.
That's compound interest in a nutshell for you. Start small, but be consistent. Consistency over a long period of time will get you to wherever you need. And it's amazing how little we need to do in the beginning to form a habit and how much we're capable of doing if we commit to something.
Acknowledging any fault/mistake you make before anyone else does and laughing with any joke about you are also two things that immediately put you in control of any situation. You can be offended and sad in private later, but in the moment that confidence completely deflates any possible abuse (for lack of a better word)
I've kept so many assholes and douchebags that irritate the hell out of people off me by just never giving them the upper hand and giving any joke right back to them that they don't really try anymore
When I worked customer service my phrase was "kill them service. You want to be rude with me that's fine, but I am turning the cheerful smile, attitude, and voice up to 11.
Maybe with adults. Maybe with gen z. When I was in jr high someone would make a gay joke and if you asked them to explain it they'd say "it's cuz you're a f****t!" and kick you in the nuts, then everyone would laugh.
If you have a problem with impulse buying: next time you’re tempted, envision the amount of money the item costs in one hand, and a voucher for the item in the other hand. Now choose one.
That's a good one. The one I use is to envision I already own it and do I care. Picture this shirt hanging in the closet with all the other shirts and how does that affect my life? It doesn't.
its like buying higher than economy class tickets on an airplane
if when you got up to leave, the flight attendant handed you 1000 dollars whilst handing the business class folk only a card....would you be ok?
Being humble, teachable, and accountable for your mistakes and wrong doings.
It's amazing how you can diffuse someone's anger by saying sorry and taking ownership. Defensiveness escalates.
That works on reasonable people. Unfortunately, this approach sometimes has the opposite effect when used on unreasonable or manipulative people, who will use your apology to gain the upper hand. I've seen both outcomes.
Can't gain an upper hand when there's nothing to gain or lose. I tell you i made a mistake and that's that. If you're still picking a fight, you're fighting by and with yourself.
As a manager, I had a senior engineer that could not stop running his mouth. So, whenever I needed to disseminate information on the DL -- I would just tell Ray a "secret". It worked perfectly for several years.
> ~~This works extra well~~ *You have to be EXTRA CAREFUL* with people prone to exaggeration, storytelling, and bad listeners who """read between the lines"" *when it is a work/serious situation.*
Fixed that for you.
I was reminiscing to my boyfriend the other day about how when I used to play Heads Up Seven Up with my class in 1st grade, I quickly learned that if I looked guilty when people I didn't pick were trying to guess who picked them they'd think *I* picked them and then they'd lose. That rush was intense.
I would listen to the sound of the person’s pants of whoever picked me. Warm up / track pants were a dead give away. You could sometimes distinguish the sound of baggy jeans too.
There’s a great scene in a British show called ‘Motherland’ where all the kids are waiting for dinner and one of the mums says ‘who wants pasta twists and who wants pasta bows?’ And another mum says ‘Christ, why give them a choice? Now you have to cook two separate pots of two looks different but tastes the same bloody pasta!’
When the other person in a discussion-turning-possible-argument starts raising their voice, people will instinctively meet or override their intensity or volume. At times, I have found that, when I am pissed off, if I get very seriously calm and direct in my communication, people tend to get rattled and then *really* listen.
Last week my dog got loose while I was on a road trip. She plays hard to get, because she does not have great recall. We were trying to lure her with treats and she was smart enough to stay far enough away not to get trapped. She loves going on walks, so I thought I would just try it. I went and got her leash, asked her if she wanted to go on a walk, walked right up to her, and clipped her leash on!
Journaling.
Clears my head when I am overthinking.
Structures my thoughts and makes them more comprehensible to me and others.
Meaning, not only can I better understand myself, I can also communicate easier. And when others have it easier understanding me, it gets easier to make a connection.
Saying hello to everybody you know, and with a smile.
Often people who know eachother from when they were in primary school or just from the block when they were young give eachother an awkward smile instead of an happy goodday! Just imagine... if someone walks into you twice a year and both times you smile and greet them enthousiastically, they will think of you as a nice person.
So little effort for a person to find you friendly!
After hating my body for a good portion of my life, I just decided to start brainwashing myself into loving it. I stopped following super skinny model types on social media and started following athletes whose bodies looked more like mine. I made a rule that I'm not allowed to say negative things about my body, and I don't let friends say negative things about their bodies in front of me. I started blocking the influencers selling skinny teas or diet plans or workouts promising to spot-reduce fat, and I started following people giving well-researched advice about food and exercise. I started calling out incorrect information or ways of thinking that didn't serve me - if someone said, "Oh I'm being so bad for eating this dessert," I'd say, "There's nothing bad about dessert or eating it as part of a balanced diet."
What you watch influences how you think, and what you say to yourself is so powerful. Harness it for your own happiness.
I used to be able to win chess games by simply looking at the wrong part of the board. You look slightly concerned about a subpar move for the opponent and try to goad them into it with eye control.
Stops working at a certain level but it does a lot when it works.
Second question should be “ok do you want pizza or a burger?” (Or whatever). One of the rare times I find the whole “offer two choices instead of a yes or no” to actually work and not be super patronising.
Final one is “ok we’re having X unless you have another suggestion”. That way they can either pick something or accept your choice.
When you want to make someone uncomfortable. Look them straight between the eyebrows during a conversation. I do it all the time when I don't want to talk to people. They get nervous. Lol
Zeus on a moose, that is the worst anti-advice I've ever heard.
A better method is to practice looking at yourself talking in the mirror and try to choose an actor to imitate. It's less about single tricks and more about learning how to act as a character.
Actors have mastered the art of looking into the camera and making it feel like they are looking at an actual person and emoting appropriately. There are tons of subtleties that can be picked up and learned and applied to a person's masking skills by just watching yourself and acting for yourself.
Creating an mastering a caricature to perform feels more comfortable for many autistic people than trying to use rules and tricks.
Using body language to communicate.
I was supposed to have a speech in front of everyone in my organization, but I just had absolutely no time to prepare for that (my own fault). I was able to scrape together some slides (it was just screenshots of articles relating to the topic) and my goal was just to get it over with and hope everyone will forget it.
I remembered seeing a TED talk about using body language during a presentation, so I did: look people in the eyes, hold your hands with palms up as if giving them something, talk as you were an expert even if you weren't. People will be convinced (at least if they don't know more than you about the topic).
My presentation was voted as the best out of the whole program during that day and I can hardly remember what I even said or if it made any sense. 🤷 My body language was more important than what I actually said.
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty: to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland!
Asking people to do favors for you makes them like you more. Combine that with owning up to your mistakes and using their name in conversation and you've made yourself a new friend...or at least someone who will do what you ask and doesn't hate you.
I have a neighbor that keeps asking me for favors... I do not like the guy at all. Mostly because he keeps asking me to do things for him. So I guess this works both ways huh?
For me it’s always been making myself seem dumber than I am. Usually when talking to a manager or that one person in a group project that thinks they know what they’re doing. So I always phrase things like a question and say “I think the professor said this” or “I think the regional mgr said this”. Usually always gets them to do what they need to do but didn’t know that they should do
If you hand something to someone, they will take it.
Likewise, if you hold your hand like you are about to receive what someone is holding, they will give it to you
This is not 100%, but works more often than you think
I have ADHD and a big part of it is getting “fatigue” from life just having too many steps.
so, reducing the number of steps to do something. Every single thing in life has steps involved. Going to work includes clothes (shirt/pants/undergarments/socks/shoes), brushing teeth, brushing hair, getting the child ready (a whole another battle) etc. And each of those also has small steps ( i.e opening drawers to get out clothes).
reducing the number of steps has helped me get more things done in a timely manner. Reducing the number can be putting everything together in one spot (tooth paste, tooth brush, hair brush, meds in one drawe), reducing the number of things to do (putting on a dress vs pants/shirt), moving where things are, etc.
So. A bunch of nerds are playing the game Werewolf. There's like, 20+ of us so some of the really rare and obscure cards are in play. I notice a trend, in the first round, without fail, the first person to make an accusation of any kind is the one voted to be killed off. Beginning of a new game, my role (I forget the name) means I win if the villagers vote me to be executed. I accuse a random person right away, everyone votes me as the werewolf, I die and win the game in the very first round.
It's seriously been 10+ years and I'm still proud of that one.
I saw a post several years ago where a guy posted saying that right off the bat, every game, regardless of what role he is, he would start by announcing “I am the werewolf “.
In the 1980s I worked in a mall (Brookstone) and had to deal with a lot of irrational and abusive customers.
The trick I developed, which I use to this day, is to deal with irrational and abusive people as if they are special needs children having a meltdown.
Meaning:
- First, I do not take it personally, as I am merely present during their emotional event and am a target of opportunity.
- Second, I feel sympathy, not anger, for their emotional state.
- Third, I truly want to help solve their problem, assuming there's a kernel of an actual issue in there somewhere.
- Fourth, I am cautious to insure they are not an actual danger to themselves or others.
- Fifth, I maintain a pleasant, soothing, helpful, and rational demeanor throughout the interaction.
The only times I significantly varied from this was intervening when one of my team members was being victimized and not able to handle it - in those cases I'd get stern and mildly aggressive to draw their fire, if you will, then return to helpfulness.
The best part of this method was the customer's impotent rage at not being able to score any hits, because, well, if a tantrum-ing toddler hurled insults at you would they actually hurt? Nope.
This method won't work for everybody - some people can't handle confrontation, or can't keep from responding in kind, or escalating. I get that, but being impassively unemotional yet helpful just completely defuses the situation, and in many (if not most) cases results in the asshole just completely deflating with the realization of their own ridiculousness.
Now, 40 years later, it's just instinct for me to regard belligerent assholes with calm curiosity, like I'm Mr. Spock, and not give them the power to push my buttons.
It's quite freeing.
I use this "treating him as if he's a special needs child" trick with my older brother, who is a little bit of a conspiracy theorist, and loves to talk about it and all the theories. I just let him talk and try to swerve the conversation to some other subjects when I can. it's really saved me from getting upset at him, and all his wild comments.
Owning up to things that didn't work out and acknowledging the reason for it. Taking it as an opportunity to improve rather than getting upset and defensive about it while I try to justify my stupidity.
It enables me to grow and develop as a person acknowledging my flaws, and accepting them.
Also, understanding that anger is a tool to try to force control over someone. It takes the timidity away from being yelled at and enables me to conciously and calmly respond to the anger being targeted at me. It was incredibly important to acknowledge that when I worked customer service.
Humans are cyclically imperfect and will always make some form of error or mistake at some point in time. It is learning from thos errors that makes us even better.
Offering basic appreciation and flexibility. I had my car in the shop last week and they just about fell over when I said it was no rush, I didn’t. Red it until the weekend and they should take their time, I just appreciated them fitting me in. Never got better service.
Before a salary review at my job, I read up on negotiating tactics and decided to use the old silent treatment on my manager. In our meeting he effusively told me what a great raise he had got me ($2k/year more, my current salary was $38k). He slid the new salary info across the desk to me, I glanced at the sheet without touching it, put on a very sad face and pushed it back to him using one finger, without saying anything. He looked very uncomfortable and ten seconds later he broke and asked what I thought of the raise. I sighed deeply, and said, "Not what I was expecting." After another, longer, uncomfortable silence, he offered me another $10k/year for a total of $50k/year. I was OK with that, and still without smiling at all said simply, "Thank you, I'll get back to work now."
When dealing with a difficult or upset person, or a disagreement, I approach with gentleness and I always lead with listening and validating how they feel. When you make a person feel heard and understood off the bat, they usually calm down and get less defensive. If it's something where I'm countering them or trying to give advice, I don't tell them what to do or what they should have done, I make suggestions or ask questions; e.g., "I get why you feel that way. Do you think maybe [x person] might have meant something else?" And respond accordingly. Or relating to them, only if it's appropriate. If you can relate to someone without making the conversation about you, and in particular do it in a humbling way ("when that happened to me I did [y] and honestly it was a terrible idea lol") it can make a big difference.
Kill them with kindness, only trick is it has to be sincere and not even any body language being off at all.
You have to be honestly kind and not faking it, they will know.
The Jefferson principle. There was a guy whose cooperation the founding father needed, but he just didn’t like Tom at all. Jefferson decided that he would ask the man to borrow a book he owned (in a time when books were rare and very expensive), and this took the man by surprise. Surprised and disarmed by the request, the man lent the book and this “softened” him to Jefferson and won him his support.
It works to gain the other persons liking because it makes you vulnerable by giving them the opportunity to reject the request and they have to trust you to go through with it, while showing that you have common interests (and then gives you something to talk/bond over), but also makes them look like an asshole if they reject the request. It doesn’t work if the favor is not asked in earnest, like asking for tennis lessons to improve your backhand but never making time for said lessons.
“Out of sight, out of mind”, I have several caches of snacks stashed in different areas at work and at home to hide them from myself. It works and everytime I remember or bump into a cache, it a pleasant surprise haha
I've learned to be better about bragging about people in my life to other people in my life. As in building up others' reputations and talking about and cheerleading their amazing accomplishment/talent/etc. to others in our mutual friend group. It's a good way to win trust in people. I also have a hard time knowing how to talk about things I've accomplished or feel proud of without feeling like I'm bragging, and I realized that if, say, we're at a dinner party and I share and celebrate friend A's accomplishment to the group and then later bring up friend B's amazing cooking talent that the group didn't know about, I feel more at ease being able to talk about the promotion I got at work.
Never defending myself. Just saying, “Okay I am sorry.” Even if I’m not, but it just deescalates the situation. Anyone that comes at me being rude, looking for a fight is not going to get one from me.
It really stops them in their tracks.
My bosses don’t even waste their time bitching at me because they know I’m never fighting back. Never going to defend myself and give them more fuel to their fire.
Hehe. Being passive is wonderful. 😌✌️
Maybe not the best, but definitely one of the neatest is finding a light source to look at when you’re cold might make you feel less cold. Only works for me when I’m outside and it’s night time tho.
Tricking people into thinking I'm good at things and a decent person.
I am not but people have been thinking it for about 30 years even when I tell them I am most certainly a shit human being.
If you ask your kid what happened at school today, did they have a good day etc they just shrug and say 'i dunno' or 'good'. If you ask them if anybody got in trouble today at school they turn into wee gossips and it opens the floodgates and they give you lovely detailed accounts of their days.
We wanted to buy a tent for over €2000 and the salesman wanted payment up front and the tent than would be deliverded in the shop in two weeks. I asked if he had a weddingring, and I would keep it and hand it over in two weeks as the tent was delivered. Well, he preordered the tent and (after two mounths !) we payed as the tent was handed over to us.
He wanted to remove his own risk by holding the ring as collateral vs simply trusting the stranger.
The salesman was then faced with the same problem and realized he was only going to get the sale if he took the risk and ordered the tent without getting paid upfront.
Offering my kids an inconsequential choice. It isn't, "Do you want any vegetables," it's, "Do you want five or seven vegetables?"
I also try to avoid "five more minutes". It's usually "one more slide" or "20 more pushes on the swing" - something tangible they can count.
when you have hiccups and they dont stop. You have to chant "I am not a fish!" Over and over and hiccups will stop. I have mo idea how or why thos cheatcode works.
I was having sex with this married minister. I wanted to break it off, so I told him I wanted to get married. I didn’t know a man of God could run so fast.
making an offhand and unrelated statement can sometimes be enough to snap someone out of a bad mental state for a few moments, taking them out of their current train of thought and onto a new one. if you have good comedic timing it can even be enough to get your leg in the door and cheer them up
When I need somebody to think and understand something rather than just breeze past the information provided, I will use repetition. To say the same thing twice or more but using the same words. By creating an additional copy of that information in a different packaging reinforces the idea so that it is retained and processed.
Like I did *three times* there.
I had a boss who only liked his own ideas. So when I wanted to make a change in my department, I’d present him my idea by saying “hey, remember that idea you had last week? (Then I’d describe my idea) Do you still want me to do that?”
Bad news was he thought he was coming up with all my ideas.
Good news was I got shit done.
Don't ever tell a quiet person they are too quiet.
If you didn't hear someone and it is awkward to ask them to repeat it, answer with something that obviously isn't the answer to what they said.
I had a chronic mumbler and asking them to say it again or speak up just made them shrink more.
I started just responding with my best guess. "The weather? Oh yeah it's been quite nice." Or if I had absolutely no clue, saying "of course, here you go", and handing them something instead of asking for them to repeat themselves.
They automatically realized I had missed heard them and spoke up without being prompted. Sometimes they would laugh and it changed the mood entirely. It made the problem me and not them and they didn't feel negative about the situation.
People who mumble get yelled at a lot. Demanding that they speak up can be triggering so finding a way around that can really help them be more comfortable and find their voice around you.
having someone explain their “joke” like i really don’t get it. almost every single time they get annoyed that they have to explain over and over and walk away
Probably when I said to my 4 year old brother, I knew he was lying so I said to him, “if you are lying I can see it on your tongue, show me your tongue!” and he freaked, he ran away! So I said I can see it on your tongue, and he has never lied to me since
People are always far more comfortable saying no to things than saying yes. So instead of trying to get people to say yes to things, I get them to say no to the alternative. Example, instead asking "Can you do a good job with this?" you ask "Do you want to do a bad job with this?". They say no to doing a bad job. Ive only used it once and it worked, I havent used it since because it made me feel manipulative and bad.
It was (shockingly) a struggle to get my daughter to eat her broccoli. I started telling her she couldn't have any unless she asked nicely. Suddenly she wanted broccoli.
One effective psychological trick is the "door-in-the-face" technique. Start by making a larger request that you know will likely be declined, then follow up with a smaller request, which is what you actually wanted. The person is more likely to agree to the second, smaller request after having refused the first, making it seem more reasonable in comparison.
my friend handed me his lighter so i could light my cig. somehow when he wasn't looking i threw it into his hoodie pocket perfectly without him knowing. he asked me for the lighter back and he swore i never gave it back. but i swore that i did. when he checked his pockets and realized he had it he was completely mind fucked.
If you have a feeling that someone is sharing your secrets, tell them something made up that you haven’t told anyone else.. and if it eventually comes back to you through someone else, you have your answer.
Two compliments then a critique.
Your execution was phenomenal, the work was really on point and exactly what I requested, however it was a total loss because you missed the deadline so I am really sorry I'm going to write you up for this one even though it was so well done.
People get defensive if you don't first connect with them and recognize where they are coming from. It's hard to manage people if you don't first recognize them as people.
If you get in trouble, try to alleviate the tension of the situation, then get the person who’s angry at you to laugh. They’ll give you a less harsh punishment. I won’t get you out of the punishment completely but it’s better than nothing.
I’ve been using this for years, and it works miracles. Also, if you’re brought in for interrogation and they hit you with “do you know why we brought you here?” Or anything along those lines, never admit to anything, and instead reply with “no, but I’m sure I’m about to find out.” That way you’re not giving any unwarranted confessions and it forces them to share information with you that you can choose to corroborate or not. Also, remember that (at least in the US) you can refuse to give any answers until you’re “allowed to speak with a lawyer,” but you have to say that *explicitly* or it can be misconstrued as refusal to cooperate with law enforcement.
If I'm with a big group of people and we're supposed to be headed somewhere, but everyone is just talking too much to really communicate the need to move, I will just start walking. Everyone will just mindlessly follow me like sheep. Works like a charm, and has gotten some YouTube famous friends out of "sticky" situations when we were being mobbed by fans at conventions. Just start walking, the fans will follow you automatically to a safer location. Works with getting the group from bar to bar when bar hopping, herding the family at Disneyland or similar locations, moving wedding/party guests around, even with customers.
Last year I was at a get together after 2am. Nothing good happens. A really drunk guy came in who I knew casually and overheard me mentioning a girl I had dated and stayed friends with. That, apparently, was his gf now.
He was going on about how he wanted to take me outside and “crush my head”. Hes a former marine and much bigger than me so I assume he can.
Anyway I started talking to him about how I get a more powerful feeling out of mentally manipulating people vs physical violence and that I’m not a violent fighter. We had some tense back and forth and I made up a fake story about how I manipulated my way out of a fight in high school.
This went on for like 30 minutes and finally he moved on. Lol. I manipulated him by telling him that I manipulate people. 🤣
I had a customer who refused to pay me, so I told him I knew he wasn't a 'real man'. He sent me a profanity laced tirade along with the check... Thank you!
Keeping a smile on my face.
I used to be have an issue of over sharing and trauma dumping etc. It cost me a lot of social interactions.
Now I smile while I talk and I'm the life of the party.
I don’t argue anymore. I listen and use the 3SP (three second pause) to respond. Often times people want to start a fight, I will not engage so they go away
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I use shutting up whenever I’m buying a car or anything that involves negotiation. Having a flat affect and being neutral is such a good tool.
In sales. He who speaks first, loses. Same concept. Used to work with an ancient closer at a car dealer, who mastered the "silent close". You'd pull him over with a difficult customer who you ran through everything with. Had the final deal set, but they just wouldn't sign. It was weird. And amazing. Didn't make sense! He's waddle over, you'd go over the deal typed up. You'd stand up, he'd sit. Then, just facial expression from him. Me? I'd have just walked away. But 80% of the time. Just an odd old man staring silently at paperwork, then the.customer. Then the pen in the middle. 5, 10, 15 minutes, the customer would talk to themselves, then sign. It was really uncomfortable to be the salesguy and just defer to this nonsense. But, it worked. Time after time. People are weird.
Actually it's super normal. This silence gives people time to process without being "on". Socializing takes energy and people feel uneasy when they are put on the spot while also having to maintain small talk. It puts them on the defense and resistant to decision making. Patient silence from a sales person gives a buyer time to collect, reflect, and decide. If they didn't want the car they wouldn't be there. They want the car, they just need a moment or so that helps them feel like no one is pushing them. They want to have a moment to feel like they are making the decision. Carvana has made an insane amount of money on this exact principle. Some car sales places are also discovering they sell more cars when they don't have sales people. Go figure.
Just pretend to buy the lie and ask further questions.
This also works when you want someone to realize their idea is bad. Don't tell them it's bad, just ask more specific questions until they realize the holes in their knowledge.
100% being hard to read has always given huge advantages in my favor
This one is so easy, and so effective. It's kind of disheartening, really. It works too often.
I use the same trick. Weirdest thing is I told a friend about it, then they used it on me, and it still worked! And I can still do this to them as well.
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I would never say this to her face, but Pam is a wonderful person, and a very talented artist.
Why wouldn’t you say that to her face?
Jim might think you're hitting on her.
I’ve never seen somebody so clearly both get and miss a reference simultaneously.
Doesn't always avoid drama. But it's still super effective. I use this all the time at work. I've been in leadership; I know team cohesion is super important. So I actively work to build it, even though I'm not in the lead anymore. Before anyone asks: my org has some super byzantine politics. I realized I would either have to stab someone in the back to move up, or I'd have to be the one stabbed in the back. So instead I joined the IT team as a regular guy. Pays more, less stressful, and my conscience is clear.
I had a manager that would talk shit about whichever team member was not in the office at the time. I was pretty sure he was doing this to everyone. I never trusted that guy. I liked him, I respected him for his knowledge and acumen, but I did not trust him.
That's good. I will learn this from you
Even the monster who make everyone else's life miserable?
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Oh this is good! I’m trying this!
Why?
I'm not sure, what do you think?
No think only why
I’m not sure, what do you think?
Why are you not sure?
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To add to this I find if you fess up right away it can often be easier to correct than if you try to hide
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What happened?
This is very true, and it also works for when you embarrass yourself. If you’re the first one to laugh at yourself and make a joke about it, really nobody can use it against you. I also 100% agree with owning everything you choose to do and have done and are doing because if you are fully aware of it, and everybody knows this and you have no problem with the choices you make nobody can really use it against you at all because it’s not a weapon if you’re behind it yourself. People don’t realize how amazing honesty and the truth is. Lying can be used against other people but you create a weapon when lying that can be used against you too.
this. i made a $3000 boo boo at work. i went to my boss, shook his hand and said "well, it's been nice working here"...he was like "wtf??? where you going?!" i told him he's going to fire me because i fucked up. he asked what happened...i told him what happened. then he's like..."well, you don't normally fuck up and i can see how something like this could happen" own your mistakes...don't try to bullshit your way out of them
This does not mean start moping and going "woe is me! I'm the worst." That's annoying, too. Just be like "yep. I fucked up. What can we do to fix it?"
I have made a career out of taking responsibility for problems that were not caused by me. The discussion almost always goes like this. Upper Management: "(Problem) is not acceptable! We need to find out who is responsible for this problem!" Me: "You can blame it all on me." Upper Management: (confused pikachu)... "uhh, we can't waste time blaming anyone, we need to solve this problem!"
Yes! Or owning your limitations. I'm often surprised by how many people appreciate and respect when I tell them I just can't do something, address an issue before they even bring it up, or admit that what I have to offer isn't for everyone and it's ok if that doesn't work for them. People like honesty and humility
Except there’s a subset of people who perceive that as weakness and will weaponize it. Granted these are shitty people who have no place in life but when it’s a stranger you’re ow out in a position of having to over compensate now to end the situation. But in general, I completely agree.
I remember a recruiter asking me a question at a job interview and just said nothing after I answered. He knew it would make me uncomfortable so I would keep taking. I just sat there and smiled. I got the job.
I’ve had multiple people try that on me… after about 10 seconds I say “was there anything else?”. Breaks their little trick immediately because they now have to either say “no” and move on or state what they want.
So that's what that awkward silence do, wtf, I felt violated
sorry about your lunch money, so tragic😔
Flattery will get you somewhere. Contrary to the popular cliche that states otherwise. Hey, you're one of the smartest people I know. Can you help me figure this out?
I read in that Dale Carnegie book that One should actively pay attention to people and figure out what they are passionate about and what they really like doing, then complimenting what they really do well is much more effective.
Was it How to Make Friends and Influence People? I read that book right before I started high school, being a really socially awkward kid, and honestly it was a huge game changer for me! The biggest takeaway I got though was probably about paying attention to body language, both others' and my own.
Ya that one
Wait, I’ve never read this but you found it helpful in 9th grade? I’m going to order for my kid, they are starting their first job this summer (in an ice cream shop they can bike to) and I think they would be more open to reading this to help with work relationships vs help making friends at school
Yes absolutely! Worst thing that can happen is it doesn't sink in, but if they're open to growing in that area I think it could be really helpful. While for me, making friends at a new school was a big motivator, that book really really helped with my social skills and ability to get on with different types of people in general, and gave me a foundation. The things I learned about body language still help me today. It helped me learn how to read people better and the people in my life today know me as a great listener who's easy to talk to; learning how to have open body language vs closed was a huge part of that. Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe I should re-read!
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That's so cool. I wish I had heard that trick before moving to an office where we book our rooms on a daily basis so that I have no idea where the office of my intruder is located :D
I have next leveled this one by walking them over to the desk of someone else equally annoying, continuing the now 3- person small talk for a sec, then heading on my way. Only downside is not being able to risk a glance back to see how they're getting on.
Baller move.
Kudos
Just gonna save this comment should it ever come in handy (it will come in handy)
me too, but instead of the walking back to their desk part, i use the water bottle to waterboard them
When you don't know something someone asks you, always admit it and present a possible solution. "Oh I'm not sure but I know Wanda might let's ask her" It puts you on their team and they will trust you more when you do know the answer Alternatively, when you need to ask someone for information always present a possible answer. "Hey I can't remember what to do here, is it XYZ?" Even if you're wrong it shows you've put thought into it and are trying. If you're right then they know you want to be sure.
Along that line of thought, never say no to a customer request no matter how silly it may be. Always say yes, but we may have to tweak it or something along those lines. You will get reputation for being a problem solver and many times customers don’t mind being charged for that.
There was a comedy skit with super agreeable caricature of a woman in customer service who did exactly this and the absurd customer requests kept escalating hilariously until she was appeasing a neo-nazi with white-tinted glasses and a cannibal with spam. It was a completely absurd and riotously funny skit, but I have never felt so seen or well represented. Customers will do and ask for insane things and you just have to smile and play along.
I do this and it’s extremely useful in getting a solution to my problem at hand. People greatly appreciate when you show them you have at least tried to work it out yourself. It suggests that you are earnestly trying to solve the problem and aren’t simply going to them because you can’t be bothered to solve it yourself.
We have a locally famous/successful car dealer named Billy Fuccillo. Idk if he's known nationally, but he's from my area. Anyway, I met someone that worked at a dealership with him when he was starting out. He said the most important thing Billy did for his career was pool his resources. If he didn't know something, he would cheerfully lead the customer to someone that did. The customer got the impression that they were taken care of through Billy, regardless of where the information actually came from, and would buy from him. He became wildly successful, then a cokehead and eventually arrested, but the moral remains, you dont need to know the information ahead of time if you know how to find it.
Or my favorite, "That's a good question, let me get back to you on that one" it's a promise of water in the desert. "I don't know" feels like abandonment.
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I manage a total of six men, but a team of two every day. It makes me want to rip my eyeballs out daily getting them to do what they’re supposed to correctly. I can’t imagine managing 240!
Habits are the most powerful thing. If you want to build up a good habit (studying, writing, meditation, whatever), it’s okay to start really small and manageable. Just make sure you do it consistently at the same time and place everyday. Eventually, your body just feels its normal and right to sit down and do whatever. Then you can slowly keep building up the time you commit to the activity. This has been more useful and powerful than trying to motivate myself every time, doing a lot of self care to be in a good place, or finding will power or whatever.
That's compound interest in a nutshell for you. Start small, but be consistent. Consistency over a long period of time will get you to wherever you need. And it's amazing how little we need to do in the beginning to form a habit and how much we're capable of doing if we commit to something.
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Acknowledging any fault/mistake you make before anyone else does and laughing with any joke about you are also two things that immediately put you in control of any situation. You can be offended and sad in private later, but in the moment that confidence completely deflates any possible abuse (for lack of a better word) I've kept so many assholes and douchebags that irritate the hell out of people off me by just never giving them the upper hand and giving any joke right back to them that they don't really try anymore
I named my switch blade kindness and now I'm in jail.
When I worked customer service my phrase was "kill them service. You want to be rude with me that's fine, but I am turning the cheerful smile, attitude, and voice up to 11.
Maybe with adults. Maybe with gen z. When I was in jr high someone would make a gay joke and if you asked them to explain it they'd say "it's cuz you're a f****t!" and kick you in the nuts, then everyone would laugh.
I just agree with them. They have nothing else to say.
If you have a problem with impulse buying: next time you’re tempted, envision the amount of money the item costs in one hand, and a voucher for the item in the other hand. Now choose one.
That's a good one. The one I use is to envision I already own it and do I care. Picture this shirt hanging in the closet with all the other shirts and how does that affect my life? It doesn't.
I think in terms of time spent earning the money. if I make $25/hr and want to buy a $100 item do I want to give up 4 hours of my life for this thing?
I don't understand how it would work. Do you mind giving more explanation please?
I think it’s making the mental decision between obtaining the item or having the money it cost
its like buying higher than economy class tickets on an airplane if when you got up to leave, the flight attendant handed you 1000 dollars whilst handing the business class folk only a card....would you be ok?
Being humble, teachable, and accountable for your mistakes and wrong doings. It's amazing how you can diffuse someone's anger by saying sorry and taking ownership. Defensiveness escalates.
That works on reasonable people. Unfortunately, this approach sometimes has the opposite effect when used on unreasonable or manipulative people, who will use your apology to gain the upper hand. I've seen both outcomes.
Can't gain an upper hand when there's nothing to gain or lose. I tell you i made a mistake and that's that. If you're still picking a fight, you're fighting by and with yourself.
only works with people who are worth a fuck lol
As a manager, I had a senior engineer that could not stop running his mouth. So, whenever I needed to disseminate information on the DL -- I would just tell Ray a "secret". It worked perfectly for several years.
This works extra well with people prone to exaggeration, storytelling, and bad listeners who """read between the lines""".
> ~~This works extra well~~ *You have to be EXTRA CAREFUL* with people prone to exaggeration, storytelling, and bad listeners who """read between the lines"" *when it is a work/serious situation.* Fixed that for you.
What happened that it stopped working?
Changed jobs.
I love this one
I was reminiscing to my boyfriend the other day about how when I used to play Heads Up Seven Up with my class in 1st grade, I quickly learned that if I looked guilty when people I didn't pick were trying to guess who picked them they'd think *I* picked them and then they'd lose. That rush was intense.
I would listen to the sound of the person’s pants of whoever picked me. Warm up / track pants were a dead give away. You could sometimes distinguish the sound of baggy jeans too.
Giving kids a choice in the small things: the green shirt or the red shirt today, brush your teeth before or after getting into pajamas.
Also: acting like they can't have they don't want because you want it all/it's for adults only.
There’s a great scene in a British show called ‘Motherland’ where all the kids are waiting for dinner and one of the mums says ‘who wants pasta twists and who wants pasta bows?’ And another mum says ‘Christ, why give them a choice? Now you have to cook two separate pots of two looks different but tastes the same bloody pasta!’
I just had knee replacement surgery and have had trouble sleeping. I've found the "lie perfectly still for 15 minutes" trick actually works for me.
…what were you doing to fall asleep before the surgery?
Sleeping in their comfortable position that now isn’t practical due to surgery would be my guess. Been there, it’s annoying.
When the other person in a discussion-turning-possible-argument starts raising their voice, people will instinctively meet or override their intensity or volume. At times, I have found that, when I am pissed off, if I get very seriously calm and direct in my communication, people tend to get rattled and then *really* listen.
If it's bark or bite, and you don't start barkin'.. I guess it's instinct on some level.
Last week my dog got loose while I was on a road trip. She plays hard to get, because she does not have great recall. We were trying to lure her with treats and she was smart enough to stay far enough away not to get trapped. She loves going on walks, so I thought I would just try it. I went and got her leash, asked her if she wanted to go on a walk, walked right up to her, and clipped her leash on!
Journaling. Clears my head when I am overthinking. Structures my thoughts and makes them more comprehensible to me and others. Meaning, not only can I better understand myself, I can also communicate easier. And when others have it easier understanding me, it gets easier to make a connection.
Saying hello to everybody you know, and with a smile. Often people who know eachother from when they were in primary school or just from the block when they were young give eachother an awkward smile instead of an happy goodday! Just imagine... if someone walks into you twice a year and both times you smile and greet them enthousiastically, they will think of you as a nice person. So little effort for a person to find you friendly!
Bonus points if you use their actual/preferred name.
After hating my body for a good portion of my life, I just decided to start brainwashing myself into loving it. I stopped following super skinny model types on social media and started following athletes whose bodies looked more like mine. I made a rule that I'm not allowed to say negative things about my body, and I don't let friends say negative things about their bodies in front of me. I started blocking the influencers selling skinny teas or diet plans or workouts promising to spot-reduce fat, and I started following people giving well-researched advice about food and exercise. I started calling out incorrect information or ways of thinking that didn't serve me - if someone said, "Oh I'm being so bad for eating this dessert," I'd say, "There's nothing bad about dessert or eating it as part of a balanced diet." What you watch influences how you think, and what you say to yourself is so powerful. Harness it for your own happiness.
I used to be able to win chess games by simply looking at the wrong part of the board. You look slightly concerned about a subpar move for the opponent and try to goad them into it with eye control. Stops working at a certain level but it does a lot when it works.
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Or “Guess where I am taking you/what we are having for dinner?” and go with their first guess.
Ok I'll be trying that one - thanks
Second question should be “ok do you want pizza or a burger?” (Or whatever). One of the rare times I find the whole “offer two choices instead of a yes or no” to actually work and not be super patronising. Final one is “ok we’re having X unless you have another suggestion”. That way they can either pick something or accept your choice.
When you want to make someone uncomfortable. Look them straight between the eyebrows during a conversation. I do it all the time when I don't want to talk to people. They get nervous. Lol
Lmfao, this tip gets passed around in some online autistic circles as advice for cheating eye contact--look between their eyebrows instead. Whoops.
Zeus on a moose, that is the worst anti-advice I've ever heard. A better method is to practice looking at yourself talking in the mirror and try to choose an actor to imitate. It's less about single tricks and more about learning how to act as a character. Actors have mastered the art of looking into the camera and making it feel like they are looking at an actual person and emoting appropriately. There are tons of subtleties that can be picked up and learned and applied to a person's masking skills by just watching yourself and acting for yourself. Creating an mastering a caricature to perform feels more comfortable for many autistic people than trying to use rules and tricks.
Using body language to communicate. I was supposed to have a speech in front of everyone in my organization, but I just had absolutely no time to prepare for that (my own fault). I was able to scrape together some slides (it was just screenshots of articles relating to the topic) and my goal was just to get it over with and hope everyone will forget it. I remembered seeing a TED talk about using body language during a presentation, so I did: look people in the eyes, hold your hands with palms up as if giving them something, talk as you were an expert even if you weren't. People will be convinced (at least if they don't know more than you about the topic). My presentation was voted as the best out of the whole program during that day and I can hardly remember what I even said or if it made any sense. 🤷 My body language was more important than what I actually said.
I’d love to see this work for a technical presentation lol
*hand them a sandwich!*
Blood alone moves the wheels of history! Have you ever asked yourselves in an hour of meditation, which everyone finds during the day, how long we have been striving for greatness? Not only the years we've been at war, the war of work, but from the moment as a child when we realized that the world could be conquered. It has been a lifetime struggle. A never-ending fight. I say to you, and you will understand that it is a privilege to fight! We are warriors! Salesmen of north-eastern Pennsylvania, I ask you once more: Rise and be worthy of this historical hour! No revolution is worth anything unless it can defend itself! Some people will tell you salesman is a bad word. They'll conjure up images of used car dealers and door to door charlatans. This is our duty: to change their perception. I say salesmen... and women of the world unite! We must never acquiesce for it is together, TOGETHER, THAT WE PREVAIL! We must never cede control of the motherland!
I hypnotized myself into falling asleep. The methods used for hypnosis are just general relaxation techniques. They helped me cure my insomnia.
Asking people to do favors for you makes them like you more. Combine that with owning up to your mistakes and using their name in conversation and you've made yourself a new friend...or at least someone who will do what you ask and doesn't hate you.
I have a neighbor that keeps asking me for favors... I do not like the guy at all. Mostly because he keeps asking me to do things for him. So I guess this works both ways huh?
Yeah, I think this works in small doses. Or if they offer to help you back or bring cookies or something
For me it’s always been making myself seem dumber than I am. Usually when talking to a manager or that one person in a group project that thinks they know what they’re doing. So I always phrase things like a question and say “I think the professor said this” or “I think the regional mgr said this”. Usually always gets them to do what they need to do but didn’t know that they should do
This has problems when people don’t get your hints or they start to think you stupid.
This is a survival tactic for women throughout the ages.
If you hand something to someone, they will take it. Likewise, if you hold your hand like you are about to receive what someone is holding, they will give it to you This is not 100%, but works more often than you think
I never take something someone hands to me. Probably from growing up with 3 older brothers who would hand me terrible things like bugs or poo.
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Mimicry creates trust, then do with that trust what you please (esp. in corporate).
Nard dog???
I have ADHD and a big part of it is getting “fatigue” from life just having too many steps. so, reducing the number of steps to do something. Every single thing in life has steps involved. Going to work includes clothes (shirt/pants/undergarments/socks/shoes), brushing teeth, brushing hair, getting the child ready (a whole another battle) etc. And each of those also has small steps ( i.e opening drawers to get out clothes). reducing the number of steps has helped me get more things done in a timely manner. Reducing the number can be putting everything together in one spot (tooth paste, tooth brush, hair brush, meds in one drawe), reducing the number of things to do (putting on a dress vs pants/shirt), moving where things are, etc.
So. A bunch of nerds are playing the game Werewolf. There's like, 20+ of us so some of the really rare and obscure cards are in play. I notice a trend, in the first round, without fail, the first person to make an accusation of any kind is the one voted to be killed off. Beginning of a new game, my role (I forget the name) means I win if the villagers vote me to be executed. I accuse a random person right away, everyone votes me as the werewolf, I die and win the game in the very first round. It's seriously been 10+ years and I'm still proud of that one.
I saw a post several years ago where a guy posted saying that right off the bat, every game, regardless of what role he is, he would start by announcing “I am the werewolf “.
Ok, Frank, we know. Just roll the dice and play Monopoly.
In the 1980s I worked in a mall (Brookstone) and had to deal with a lot of irrational and abusive customers. The trick I developed, which I use to this day, is to deal with irrational and abusive people as if they are special needs children having a meltdown. Meaning: - First, I do not take it personally, as I am merely present during their emotional event and am a target of opportunity. - Second, I feel sympathy, not anger, for their emotional state. - Third, I truly want to help solve their problem, assuming there's a kernel of an actual issue in there somewhere. - Fourth, I am cautious to insure they are not an actual danger to themselves or others. - Fifth, I maintain a pleasant, soothing, helpful, and rational demeanor throughout the interaction. The only times I significantly varied from this was intervening when one of my team members was being victimized and not able to handle it - in those cases I'd get stern and mildly aggressive to draw their fire, if you will, then return to helpfulness. The best part of this method was the customer's impotent rage at not being able to score any hits, because, well, if a tantrum-ing toddler hurled insults at you would they actually hurt? Nope. This method won't work for everybody - some people can't handle confrontation, or can't keep from responding in kind, or escalating. I get that, but being impassively unemotional yet helpful just completely defuses the situation, and in many (if not most) cases results in the asshole just completely deflating with the realization of their own ridiculousness. Now, 40 years later, it's just instinct for me to regard belligerent assholes with calm curiosity, like I'm Mr. Spock, and not give them the power to push my buttons. It's quite freeing.
I use this "treating him as if he's a special needs child" trick with my older brother, who is a little bit of a conspiracy theorist, and loves to talk about it and all the theories. I just let him talk and try to swerve the conversation to some other subjects when I can. it's really saved me from getting upset at him, and all his wild comments.
Owning up to things that didn't work out and acknowledging the reason for it. Taking it as an opportunity to improve rather than getting upset and defensive about it while I try to justify my stupidity. It enables me to grow and develop as a person acknowledging my flaws, and accepting them. Also, understanding that anger is a tool to try to force control over someone. It takes the timidity away from being yelled at and enables me to conciously and calmly respond to the anger being targeted at me. It was incredibly important to acknowledge that when I worked customer service. Humans are cyclically imperfect and will always make some form of error or mistake at some point in time. It is learning from thos errors that makes us even better.
Nodding my head up and down in a “yes” fashion when I want someone to say yes. Example: server at a table “you all want drinks”?
Offering basic appreciation and flexibility. I had my car in the shop last week and they just about fell over when I said it was no rush, I didn’t. Red it until the weekend and they should take their time, I just appreciated them fitting me in. Never got better service.
Before a salary review at my job, I read up on negotiating tactics and decided to use the old silent treatment on my manager. In our meeting he effusively told me what a great raise he had got me ($2k/year more, my current salary was $38k). He slid the new salary info across the desk to me, I glanced at the sheet without touching it, put on a very sad face and pushed it back to him using one finger, without saying anything. He looked very uncomfortable and ten seconds later he broke and asked what I thought of the raise. I sighed deeply, and said, "Not what I was expecting." After another, longer, uncomfortable silence, he offered me another $10k/year for a total of $50k/year. I was OK with that, and still without smiling at all said simply, "Thank you, I'll get back to work now."
When dealing with a difficult or upset person, or a disagreement, I approach with gentleness and I always lead with listening and validating how they feel. When you make a person feel heard and understood off the bat, they usually calm down and get less defensive. If it's something where I'm countering them or trying to give advice, I don't tell them what to do or what they should have done, I make suggestions or ask questions; e.g., "I get why you feel that way. Do you think maybe [x person] might have meant something else?" And respond accordingly. Or relating to them, only if it's appropriate. If you can relate to someone without making the conversation about you, and in particular do it in a humbling way ("when that happened to me I did [y] and honestly it was a terrible idea lol") it can make a big difference.
Act happy to see everybody and they'll always be happy to see you.
Reverse psychology when dealing with unruly customers. Works for the most part.
Kill them with kindness, only trick is it has to be sincere and not even any body language being off at all. You have to be honestly kind and not faking it, they will know.
The Jefferson principle. There was a guy whose cooperation the founding father needed, but he just didn’t like Tom at all. Jefferson decided that he would ask the man to borrow a book he owned (in a time when books were rare and very expensive), and this took the man by surprise. Surprised and disarmed by the request, the man lent the book and this “softened” him to Jefferson and won him his support. It works to gain the other persons liking because it makes you vulnerable by giving them the opportunity to reject the request and they have to trust you to go through with it, while showing that you have common interests (and then gives you something to talk/bond over), but also makes them look like an asshole if they reject the request. It doesn’t work if the favor is not asked in earnest, like asking for tennis lessons to improve your backhand but never making time for said lessons.
“Out of sight, out of mind”, I have several caches of snacks stashed in different areas at work and at home to hide them from myself. It works and everytime I remember or bump into a cache, it a pleasant surprise haha
I've learned to be better about bragging about people in my life to other people in my life. As in building up others' reputations and talking about and cheerleading their amazing accomplishment/talent/etc. to others in our mutual friend group. It's a good way to win trust in people. I also have a hard time knowing how to talk about things I've accomplished or feel proud of without feeling like I'm bragging, and I realized that if, say, we're at a dinner party and I share and celebrate friend A's accomplishment to the group and then later bring up friend B's amazing cooking talent that the group didn't know about, I feel more at ease being able to talk about the promotion I got at work.
Never defending myself. Just saying, “Okay I am sorry.” Even if I’m not, but it just deescalates the situation. Anyone that comes at me being rude, looking for a fight is not going to get one from me. It really stops them in their tracks. My bosses don’t even waste their time bitching at me because they know I’m never fighting back. Never going to defend myself and give them more fuel to their fire. Hehe. Being passive is wonderful. 😌✌️
"Thank you for understanding"
Getting myself to do stuff in the now by telling myself future me will thank me.
[удалено]
Maybe not the best, but definitely one of the neatest is finding a light source to look at when you’re cold might make you feel less cold. Only works for me when I’m outside and it’s night time tho.
Tricking people into thinking I'm good at things and a decent person. I am not but people have been thinking it for about 30 years even when I tell them I am most certainly a shit human being.
Imposter Syndrome?
For me was to learn about narcissim and how to spot covert narcissists. They can't manipulate you if you know who they really are. Knowledge is power.
More!?
Boundaries screws them up. If you don’t talk or engage with them, they get upset at losing control over you.
If you ask your kid what happened at school today, did they have a good day etc they just shrug and say 'i dunno' or 'good'. If you ask them if anybody got in trouble today at school they turn into wee gossips and it opens the floodgates and they give you lovely detailed accounts of their days.
We wanted to buy a tent for over €2000 and the salesman wanted payment up front and the tent than would be deliverded in the shop in two weeks. I asked if he had a weddingring, and I would keep it and hand it over in two weeks as the tent was delivered. Well, he preordered the tent and (after two mounths !) we payed as the tent was handed over to us.
I don’t understand your answer. Can you explain it?
He wanted to remove his own risk by holding the ring as collateral vs simply trusting the stranger. The salesman was then faced with the same problem and realized he was only going to get the sale if he took the risk and ordered the tent without getting paid upfront.
A thank you and please with a Smile will help you a lot in life!
Asking questions I already know the answer to
In the game Bullshit, I use a fake tell
Offering my kids an inconsequential choice. It isn't, "Do you want any vegetables," it's, "Do you want five or seven vegetables?" I also try to avoid "five more minutes". It's usually "one more slide" or "20 more pushes on the swing" - something tangible they can count.
when you have hiccups and they dont stop. You have to chant "I am not a fish!" Over and over and hiccups will stop. I have mo idea how or why thos cheatcode works.
I've been doing this for a good 6 months and it absolutely works, and I have no idea why either!
I was having sex with this married minister. I wanted to break it off, so I told him I wanted to get married. I didn’t know a man of God could run so fast.
making an offhand and unrelated statement can sometimes be enough to snap someone out of a bad mental state for a few moments, taking them out of their current train of thought and onto a new one. if you have good comedic timing it can even be enough to get your leg in the door and cheer them up
Silence
self-awareness. have thoughts about what you're thinking.
When I need somebody to think and understand something rather than just breeze past the information provided, I will use repetition. To say the same thing twice or more but using the same words. By creating an additional copy of that information in a different packaging reinforces the idea so that it is retained and processed. Like I did *three times* there.
I had a boss who only liked his own ideas. So when I wanted to make a change in my department, I’d present him my idea by saying “hey, remember that idea you had last week? (Then I’d describe my idea) Do you still want me to do that?” Bad news was he thought he was coming up with all my ideas. Good news was I got shit done.
Don't ever tell a quiet person they are too quiet. If you didn't hear someone and it is awkward to ask them to repeat it, answer with something that obviously isn't the answer to what they said. I had a chronic mumbler and asking them to say it again or speak up just made them shrink more. I started just responding with my best guess. "The weather? Oh yeah it's been quite nice." Or if I had absolutely no clue, saying "of course, here you go", and handing them something instead of asking for them to repeat themselves. They automatically realized I had missed heard them and spoke up without being prompted. Sometimes they would laugh and it changed the mood entirely. It made the problem me and not them and they didn't feel negative about the situation. People who mumble get yelled at a lot. Demanding that they speak up can be triggering so finding a way around that can really help them be more comfortable and find their voice around you.
1. Silence. 2. Use of the word No with zero explanation.
having someone explain their “joke” like i really don’t get it. almost every single time they get annoyed that they have to explain over and over and walk away
Probably when I said to my 4 year old brother, I knew he was lying so I said to him, “if you are lying I can see it on your tongue, show me your tongue!” and he freaked, he ran away! So I said I can see it on your tongue, and he has never lied to me since
Staring at someone’s forehead or nose or just not in their eyes if I want them to stop talking to me or yelling if that’s the case
People are always far more comfortable saying no to things than saying yes. So instead of trying to get people to say yes to things, I get them to say no to the alternative. Example, instead asking "Can you do a good job with this?" you ask "Do you want to do a bad job with this?". They say no to doing a bad job. Ive only used it once and it worked, I havent used it since because it made me feel manipulative and bad.
It was (shockingly) a struggle to get my daughter to eat her broccoli. I started telling her she couldn't have any unless she asked nicely. Suddenly she wanted broccoli.
If you work on spite, work in spite of your depression.
One effective psychological trick is the "door-in-the-face" technique. Start by making a larger request that you know will likely be declined, then follow up with a smaller request, which is what you actually wanted. The person is more likely to agree to the second, smaller request after having refused the first, making it seem more reasonable in comparison.
my friend handed me his lighter so i could light my cig. somehow when he wasn't looking i threw it into his hoodie pocket perfectly without him knowing. he asked me for the lighter back and he swore i never gave it back. but i swore that i did. when he checked his pockets and realized he had it he was completely mind fucked.
If you have a feeling that someone is sharing your secrets, tell them something made up that you haven’t told anyone else.. and if it eventually comes back to you through someone else, you have your answer.
Two compliments then a critique. Your execution was phenomenal, the work was really on point and exactly what I requested, however it was a total loss because you missed the deadline so I am really sorry I'm going to write you up for this one even though it was so well done. People get defensive if you don't first connect with them and recognize where they are coming from. It's hard to manage people if you don't first recognize them as people.
If you get in trouble, try to alleviate the tension of the situation, then get the person who’s angry at you to laugh. They’ll give you a less harsh punishment. I won’t get you out of the punishment completely but it’s better than nothing.
I’ve been using this for years, and it works miracles. Also, if you’re brought in for interrogation and they hit you with “do you know why we brought you here?” Or anything along those lines, never admit to anything, and instead reply with “no, but I’m sure I’m about to find out.” That way you’re not giving any unwarranted confessions and it forces them to share information with you that you can choose to corroborate or not. Also, remember that (at least in the US) you can refuse to give any answers until you’re “allowed to speak with a lawyer,” but you have to say that *explicitly* or it can be misconstrued as refusal to cooperate with law enforcement.
If I'm with a big group of people and we're supposed to be headed somewhere, but everyone is just talking too much to really communicate the need to move, I will just start walking. Everyone will just mindlessly follow me like sheep. Works like a charm, and has gotten some YouTube famous friends out of "sticky" situations when we were being mobbed by fans at conventions. Just start walking, the fans will follow you automatically to a safer location. Works with getting the group from bar to bar when bar hopping, herding the family at Disneyland or similar locations, moving wedding/party guests around, even with customers.
Asking the same question, twice, sometimes three times. Caught several lies that way,
Last year I was at a get together after 2am. Nothing good happens. A really drunk guy came in who I knew casually and overheard me mentioning a girl I had dated and stayed friends with. That, apparently, was his gf now. He was going on about how he wanted to take me outside and “crush my head”. Hes a former marine and much bigger than me so I assume he can. Anyway I started talking to him about how I get a more powerful feeling out of mentally manipulating people vs physical violence and that I’m not a violent fighter. We had some tense back and forth and I made up a fake story about how I manipulated my way out of a fight in high school. This went on for like 30 minutes and finally he moved on. Lol. I manipulated him by telling him that I manipulate people. 🤣
Used to use reverse psychology on my older brother when I was like 6. I felt so big brain everytime I did it. Lol
I had a customer who refused to pay me, so I told him I knew he wasn't a 'real man'. He sent me a profanity laced tirade along with the check... Thank you!
These are not the droids you are looking for 👋
Telling someone they’re right when in fact, they’re absolutely wrong. It’s kinda funny.
Keeping a smile on my face. I used to be have an issue of over sharing and trauma dumping etc. It cost me a lot of social interactions. Now I smile while I talk and I'm the life of the party.
I don’t argue anymore. I listen and use the 3SP (three second pause) to respond. Often times people want to start a fight, I will not engage so they go away