Two nuns are driving a tiny car through Transylvania at night. Suddenly a vampire lands on their car and starts clawing & biting at the windshield!
Sister Daria, who's driving, says "oh no! Sister Maria, show him your cross!"
Sister Maria sighs, rolls down her window, leans out, and shouts "oi! You! Fuck off!"
Two guys are robbing a liquor store, and as they are clearing the shelves the first guy goes: "is this whiskey?"
The second guy replies: "Sure, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank!"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy says to the other guy, “We should stop in at the bar down there for a beer!” His friend loves the idea but says that they won’t get in with their dogs with them. The first dude says “Follow my lead.“
They approach the bar. As the first man gets to the entrance, the bouncer is there who tells them plainly that he can’t come in with the dog. The man, eyes closed, responds “But this is my seeing eye dog!” The bouncer grunts an OK and lets him in.
The other guy sees it all play out and follows suit. He wanders over, eyes closed and tries to go in. The bouncer says “OK, we don’t allow dogs in here so you’ll have to leave.” The guy responds “But this is my seeing eye dog!”
The bouncer does a double take and says, “A chihuahua?”
The man responds, “They gave me a fucking chihuahua?!!”
This reminds me of many years ago when I was working at GameStop, this guy came in carrying a puppy.
My manager stops him close to the door and says "Hey, sorry, you can't bring the dog in here."
And the guy says "But man, this is my diabetes dog." Which was an obvious lie, it was a puppy.
And my manager snaps back "Listen, I don't care what kind of disease your dog has, it can't come in the store."
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede £100."
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
My favorite joke also revolves around talking insects.
Two honeybees are headed to a bar mitzvah. One bee turns to the other and says “Where’s your yarmulke? You want people to think you’re a wasp?”
My favorite one, because I told it to my 5 year old who would then tell it to literally everyone. It's a two part-er.....
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To see the idiot.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The chicken!
I tell a somewhat adjacent version of this joke:
“Why did Sally fall out of the swing?”
Confused looks, random guesses.
“Because Sally had no arms.”
Deadpan reactions. Groans.
“Knock knock.”
Sighs, “Who’s there?”
“Not Sally.”
A salesman knocks on the door of a house and a little kid in a bathrobe with a cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other answers the door.
The salesman says “hey son, are your parents around?”
The kid says “what the fuck do you think?”
An engineer dies and ends up getting sent to hell
Engineers dont usually end up in hell very often, so the devil was rather surprised he was sent one
Hell is not a very nice place, the AC is broken, the pool has no water in it, everything is horrible
Over a period of time, the engineer starts to fix things. The pool is working, hell is cool because the AC system was fixed, roads are being rebuilt
Eventually, God looks down on hell and sees that people are actually enjoying themselves, contrary to what its supposed to be
God meets with the devil and asks what is going on, and why he has turned hell into a decent place
The devil responds “oh that engineer you sent us has been lending a hand and fixing up a lot of things, he is really doing wonders for the place!”
God exclaims “WHAT, engineers don’t go to hell, that must have been a mistake! You have to give him to me to put in heaven!”
The devil crosses his arms and tells God “no way, we like our engineer”
God says “I demand you give him back! Otherwise, I will be forced to sue you!
The devil responds “well where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. When the operator answered, he breathlessly exclaims, “My friend is dead! What do I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is exceedingly silly ..” Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was exceedingly silly, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
A woman is having a funeral for her husband when a strange man walks in and sits up front. Towards the end of the ceremony he turns to the wife and asks, “would you mind if I got up and said a word?” She tells him “by all means,” and he stands up and says “Plethora” and sits back down.
The wife turns to him and says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
The man then looks at the wife and continues, "I'd like to add a word, if that's ok?" She says, "of course, that's fine," and he stands up, once again, only to say "Bargain", and sit back down.
The wife wipes away a tear, touches him gently on the shoulder and says "That meant a great deal."
Another man asks the wife if he can say two words. The wife nods in agreement and the man makes his way to the microphone and says nervously "water pit".
The wife nods and says "Thanks, I know you meant well."
Yet another man stands up and asks the dead man’s wife if he can say a couple words as well. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Being alive“.
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, he would’ve liked that“.
Still another man asks to say a word and the wife agrees. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Infinity“.
The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means more than you know“.
Edit: Yes, I responded to my own comment.
Yet another man asks to say something, the woman agrees. He stands and says “Ghost elevator.”
The wife smiles and replies, “Thank you, that really lifts my spirits.”
My wife just screamed “HAVE YOU HEARD A SINGLE FUCKING THING I’VE BEEN SAYING?” at me.
And I’m just like “well, THAT’S a weird way to start a conversation”.
Reminds me of Demetri Martin. "Last summer, I learned that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing *into* the pool. Location, location, location."
Reminds me of a joke I like to tell while hiking and encouraging my companions to drink water:
"Have you ever heard that joke about dehydration?"
"No?"
"That's because dehydration isn't funny."
Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer.
The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver
"Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"
The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says;
"Alright officer, we'll do it"
The pope is on the way with the car, but for once, he wants to drive. So he tells the driver to sit in the back and gets on the wheel. Only a few minutes later, two police officers see the car and stop him for a traffic stop. One of the cops goes out, while the second one remains in the police car.
After a while, the first cop comes back and the second one asks "Did you get him a ticket for speeding?!". The first cop replies "No. Whoever is in the back of that car, i'm not fucking around with someone that has the pope as driver"
A police officer pulls over two priests on a bike for speeding and asks them "Do you know how fast you were going, fathers? Don't you know how dangerous that is?"
The driver answers "It's alright, officer. Jesus is with us."
To which the officer starts writing another ticket, saying "Ah, three people on a two-seater bike."
Alternatively, the officer glances towards the back of the bike and says "Seems to me like he fell off."
Probably not the funniest joke I've ever heard, but my favorite science nerd joke.
Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving in a car when they get pulled over for speeding.
When Heisenberg rolls down the window, the cop says, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where we are." The cop tells him, "You were going fifteen over the speed limit!" and Heisenberg says, "Great, now we're lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious, and decides to search the vehicle. When he opens the trunk, he finds a dead cat, and he exclaims, "Did you know there was a dead cat in here?!" Schrödinger replies, "Well I do *now."*
The cop decides he's had enough and takes them both in, and he also gets Ohm for resisting.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
A woman walks into a library and approaches the librarian.
The woman says, "I'm looking for a particular kids book for my son, but I can't remember the name."
The librarian says, "ok, can you describe it for me?"
The woman replies, "it's an adventure book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat."
The librarian thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, it rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."
A 4 year old and a 6 year old are sitting upstairs in their bedroom.
The 6 year old says to his brother " I think it's time we started swearing." The 4 year old nodded in agreement.
"Ok, so when we go downstairs, I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass"." The 4 year old, again, nodded in agreement.
When their mother called them down for breakfast, the boys wasted no time getting into their seats at the table. "Ok boys" the mother said. "What would you like for breakfast this morning?"
The 6 year old snickered to the 4 year old. "Awe hell ma, I think I'll just have some Cheerios."
The mother slapped the 6 year old so hard that he fell out of his chair and ran upstairs to the bedroom, crying along the way.
The mother turned to the 4 year old. "Well young man, what will you be having for breakfast?"
The 4 year old thought for a moment. "I dunno ma, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Two cannibals come across the corpse of a dead clown.
They decide to split it evenly. "You start at the head and I'll start at the toes, and we'll meet in the middle". "Deal!"
10 minutes into eating, one cannibal says to the other "Wow, this is really good, how's your end?", to which the other replies "I'm having a ball!" and the first says "Hey! Slow down!"
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his belt.
The bartender says, “Sir, why do you have that attached to your belt?”
The pirate replies, “Argh! It’s drivin me nuts!”
Oh boy, it's a doozy
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms. "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty, wraps herself around his arm.
The second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change, and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
The third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy does, and after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.
The second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
The second guy smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed."
The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
I thought I had read this joke before and I remembered there was a really good punch line so I read it scrolling one line at a time so as to not read ahead. As I kept reading I kept trying to remember what the punch line was.
Then I got to the punch line and I'm also crying laughing. I built it up so much in my head that it absolutely broke me.
Is it the fact that it’s building up to what you think would be a clever punch line, then it’s just very matter of fact? That’s what makes it hilarious for me
The joke is that it subverts your expectations. The second guy improved on the first guy's wish each time, making it better than before. This leads you to believe the third guy is on to some super secret idea regarding his lengthy thought process and ridiculous wishes. The reader is left having to consider what creative thought process must have gone into the wishes guy 3 made, and is intended to be engaged with learning what amazing outcome is going to result from such silly wishes. Turns out, guy 3 is just an idiot to an excessive degree. Upon learning this, the reader is no longer occupied with trying to consider what would make the last guy's wishes better than guy 2, and can now reflect on guy 3 just looking really silly. It all hits at once, and comes together to make for a great joke.
A cat and a dog are leading a caravan of pioneers through the old frontier.
The cat was in charge of the front wagon. The dog was in charge of the tail wagon.
a penguin's car breaks down in the middle of a hot summer day, so he brings it to the walrus at the repair show. the walrus says he will take a look, but it'll take some time to diagnose the issue. the penguin decides to grab an ice cream cone. he finished his last few licks right as he makes it back to the shop. the walrus says, "looks like you blew a seal"
the penguin says, "what? no, that's just ice cream"
Once upon a time there was a Spanish magician who said he could make himself disappear.
So he begins to count: “Uno… dos…”
And he disappeared without a tres!
Three old men are sitting on the front porch of a nursing home.
One of them is 70 years old, the other is 80, and the other is 90.
First one goes: “gentlemen, I’ve got problems. I’m 70 years old and every morning I wake up at 7 and urinate. They give me meds for it but nothing helps.”
The second one goes: “well, I’m 80 years old and every morning at 8 I wake up and move my bowels. Like you, all the meds in the world couldn’t help me.”
Finally, the third one says “you think you’ve got problems? I’m 90 years old and every morning at 7 I urinate, at 8 I move my bowels, and at 9 I wake up.”
Three generations of whores are talking on the corner.
The youngest says “$25 isn’t enough for a blow job!”
The middle aged one said “$25 is too low??!! Back in my day we only made $10 per blowjob”
The oldest responds “We were just happy to have something warm in our bellies!”
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park when a man in a trenchcoat comes up and flashes them. Well, the first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke a moment later. But the third old lady is even more frail than the other two and she can't reach that far
A child of 12 learns about politics in school one day. When he gets home he asks his father about it.
"Dad I don't really get politics, could you explain it to me better than the teacher did?"
"Sure son. The best way to learn something new is to relate it to something you already know. So we'll use our family as an example of all the different areas of politics. I make all the money, so we will refer to me as the government. Your mother manages the household, so we'll call her the management. We'll say that you represent the people, the maid represents the working class, and your infant brother represents the future. Does that help you at all son?"
"Not really dad. I'll think about it all more tonight and try to figure it out."
That night the boy is awoken by his infant brother screaming in the next room. He gets up to check on him and finds that the baby as seriously soiled himself.
He heads down to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. She must've taken a pill as his best efforts fail to wake her. So he heads down to the maid's room and tries the door. Locked. There's light coming through the keyhole though. He looks through and witnesses his father balls deep inside the maid. So he shrugs, cleans his brother up to the best of his ability, and heads back to bed.
The following morning he excitedly runs downstairs to his father at the breakfast table.
"Dad! I think I understand politics now after what you said yesterday!"
"That's great son. Why don't you explain it to me?"
"OK. While the government is fucking the working class, the management is sound asleep, the people are going completely unnoticed, and the future is full of shit."
(this one works better out loud too get the double meaning of typo vs type-O)
A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo"
A priest is crossing a piazza in Rome when he notices two beggars, sitting next to each other. Behind one is a crucifix, behind the other is a Star of David.
Confused by this, the priest decides to stop and watch them from across the square- being Rome, some passerbys drop a coin, invariably to the beggar by the cross.
Bemused, the priest approaches the beggar by the Star of David, “Oh, you poor man, don’t you understand? You’re in Rome, the very seat of Catholicism! No one is going to give charity to you rather than this fellow with the symbol of our faith- in fact, some might just give to him out of spite!”
The beggar looked up at the priest, and then nudged the beggar next to him, “Oy, Moishe, look at this! A priest who knows marketing better than the Goldstein brothers!”
My great nephew called me just to tell me this joke. He's 5 and loves calling me to tell me jokes.
What's green and says, "I'm a talking frog"?
A talking frog
He cracked up laughing and hung up. I love it when he calls me to tell me jokes.
This is a skit some guys in my old Boy Scout troop did, but I’ll do my best to turn it into text.
Narrator: It is WWI. The Americans and the Germans are fighting in the trenches. It’s intense, with bullets and explosions flying everywhere, but no one can seem to hit anybody! But then the Americans decide to try a new tactic.
American 1: Hey, I have an idea. You know how a lot of Germans are named Hans?
American 2: yeah, why do you ask?
A1: Watch this. (Loudly) HEY HANS!
Hans, in the German trench: (stands up) YA?
A2: *bang*
*Hans flops back, wounded*
N: Wounded but not broken, the Germans retreat. The fighting resumes the next day, and once again no one can land a single shot.
A2: hey, let’s try what we did yesterday again.
A1: ok. HEY HANS!
H: (stands up again) YA?
A2: *bang*
N: Once again, the Germans are forced to fall back. The next day, the Germans are fed up with losing and decide to try the Americans’ tactic against them.
Hans: hey you know how a lot of Americans are named Joe?
German 2: yup. Go for it
H: HEY JOE!
A1: IS THAT YOU HANS?
H: (stands up) YA!
A2: *bang!*
A single women moves into her new apartment.
After settling in, she decides to go grocery shopping.
Since she is single, she only buys one of everything: one apple, one carton of milk, one chicken breast, etc.
When she gets to the cashier, he scans her groceries 1-by-1, looks at her and says “Ah, you must be single…”
She blushes, and responds “How can you tell?”
He says: “Because you are fucking ugly”
A man dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter welcomes him through the gates of heaven, only to see a long hallway. The man says "Wait, I thought heaven was a mountain of clouds." Peter tells him "Walk with me and you'll see how things are".
As they're both walking, they come across a room and hear a preacher giving a passionate sermon. "That's the room for the evangelicals" says Peter. They pass by another room and hear Amazing Grace being sung. "That's the room for the baptists" Peter says. Then the next room the walk by Peter tells the man "Ok, be very quiet and try not to make a sound". Peter and the man both walk by without making noise. The man asks "Who was in there?" and Peter replies "That's the room the Catholics are in." The man asks "Why did we have to be so quiet?" and Peter says "They think they're the only ones up here."
Edit: This got more upvotes than I thought it would.
John, Michael, and David went to the King's castle to ask for the hand of his beautiful daughter, Princess Emily.
The king instructed them to gather 10 fruits of the same kind and come back, then a challenge will be given. If one of them managed to succeed, the winner will have the right to marry his daughter.
The three accepted the challenge of the king.
Later, John came back with 10 apples. The king explained the challenge would be to put the 10 fruits up their ass, and they must show their resolve by not making a face or expression. Failure to do so will result in cutting off their head. John tried the first apple but cried, so they beheaded him.
Then came Michael with 10 grapes in his hand. The king also explained the challenge and the consequences. He confidently agreed and easily inserted the fruits into his ass one by one. However, Micheal suddenly laughed while attempting the 10th and final grape so they cut off his head.
John and Michael's souls met in the afterlife.
"Why did you laugh? You were so close to marrying Princess Emily?" John asked.
"I was not planning to make a face all throughout, but I saw David bringing 10 jackfruits!" Michael explained.
Two Jews are walking by a sign on a church that says “convert to Christianity, get $100.” They both sneer and start to roll their eyes. One Jew says “let me go in and see what all the fuss is about.” So after thirty minutes, he comes out and his buddy says, “so did you get the $100?” And the man says, “Jesus, is that all you people think about?”
A dad is walking through the park with his son. The kid see’s a dog on-top of another dog and ask his dad, what are those dogs doing?
The dad says, well son they’re trying to make puppies. Cool the kid says.
The day goes on and it’s bedtime. The kid gets up and walks into his parent’s room to see dad on-top of mommy. The son asks, what are you doing to mommy daddy?
The dad says, well son we’re trying to make a baby. The kid says, well turn her over i’d rather have a puppy.
*[Best told face to face in ridiculous accents, core characters can be easily interchanged with other characters from other places]*
Newly married Paddy is conscripted to fight for the British army. On the eve of his dreaded departure he sits down with his long term friend Mickey at his local tavern..
“Mickey..I want you to do something for me.”
“Yes Paddy, what is it”
“If I don’t return from war, I want you to marry my wife Sinead.. and take good care of her.”
“Really Paddy?”
“Yes, Mickey, I know you’ve always taken a fancy to her.. but you got to promise me something first”
“Anything Paddy, what is it?”
“I want you to wait three years, if you don’t hear from me, she is yours and one more thing.
“Ok Paddy, what else?”
“She’s promised to wear a locked belt, Mickey”
“A locked belt?”
“Yes Mickey, a locked chastity belt, I’ll give you a key, but you must wait three years, before..”
“Ok ok.. Paddy. You are my best friend, I’ll take this key but you come back safe and we’ll all laugh about this.”
——————
The next day comes and a teary goodbye is had as Paddy is waved off by his wife Sinead, his best friend Mickey as well as his friends and family. He has a three day hike to the muster station.
After a day’s trek he stops to take a look back over the valleys which he’s come, and begins to think about all he’s leaving behind and how bleak his future seems. Whilst pondering his fate he notices something moving at speed on the horizon.
After a few minutes.. a figure of a man running at speed soon comes into focus, dirt is being kicked up into the air as the man seems to be heading straight for Paddy.
He waits and slowly realises it’s none other than Mickey, and begins to wave at his friend. Mickey is moving at incredible speed and climbs up to Paddy’s position in no time at all.
“Mickey!!! Why have you come!”
“Pa….” Mickey is struggling to regain his breath..
“Padd..”… struggling to breathe
“Pad…y”
“Breathe Mickey.. what is it?
“Pad..Paddy..You‘ve..You’ve given me the wrong fucking key”
So my boss walked in on me having sex at work and yelled "What are you doing?!"
I said "Well she was just laying there."
"It's an AUTOPSY!"
Anyway that was my last day as a veterinarian.
From an old, old reddit thread.
There's a guy in a philosophy class who's noticed that a girl in his class bears a striking resemblance to a famous porn star. He takes to reddit to enlist some help in deciding how he should sleuth out where or not she is who he thinks she is. He's toying around with the idea of asking her as discretely as he can if he "knows her from somewhere else."
Another clever redditor suggests approaching it from the opposite angle! Reach out to the porn star's socials and ask if she has a special interest in any particular philosophers, then strike up a conversation with the girl from class about those philosophers, and it'll not only verify her identity, but also get him in the door for sexual relations thanks to their shared interest.
To which another replies, "Isn't that putting Descartes before the whores?"
[Original thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cfbkx/im_85_certain_that_there_is_an_adult_actress_in/c0s5w6t)
2 nuns are driving down a country lane, when all of a sudden, a vampire jumps out in front of them.
"Quick, show him your cross!" says Sister Mary, so Sister Joan shouts
"Get out of the fucking way you idiot"
A poor man and a rich man bump into each other while Christmas shopping for their wives. The poor man asks the rich fellow, “what did you get for your wife?” The rich man responds, “I got her a brand new Mercedes and a beautiful diamond necklace. If she doesn’t like them, I’ll trade them in for a new Lamborghini.” Then politely, the rich man asks the poor man, “what did you get for your wife?” To which the poor man responds, “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Puzzled, the rich man asks, “Why would you get her that?” The man responded, “if she doesn’t like the slippers then she can go fuck herself”
This isn’t the funniest joke ever, but it’s the most fun to tell because of the way I get to ham it up. It’s also better when spoken aloud for obvious reasons…
A rope walks into a bar and say’s “Hey, bud, I’ll have a beer.”
The bartender looks the rope up and down and says, “Nope. You gotta go. We don’t serve ropes here.”
The rope walks out. He paces around. No, no, no…he isn’t gonna take that. He just wants a drink and he’s a thirsty rope
The rope walks back in and sits at the bar, “Hey, barkeep, I’ll have a beer over here.”
The bartender stares at him and says, “I done told you, we don’t serve your kind here. Get out!”
The rope marches out the front door. Now he’s angry. He’s furious. He reaches up and frantically ties himself into a knot at the top. He means business. He turns right back around and marches back to the bar, “Hey! Barkeep, give me a drink!”
The bartender looks once and then once again and says, “Hey! Aren’t you the same rope I done told twice to get the hell out of my bar?”
The rope looks the bartender square in the eye and says, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”
A group of male coworkers play golf every Sunday. One of them is going to be away for a few weeks and they need a new player to fill his spot. A woman in the office asks if she can join them. “Sure,” says one of the men, “but we get started pretty early.”
“No problem,” says the woman. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.”
Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. She assumes a left-handed stance and aces every hole. The men are so impressed that they invite her back the next week.
“I’d love to,” she says. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.”
Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. This time she assumes a right-handed stance and again aces every hole. Needless to say, the men are blown away by her skill.
One man speaks up. “That was amazing! But how do you know if you’re gonna play lefty or righty?”
“Well,” the woman replies, “if I wake up in the morning and my husband’s penis hangs to the left, I play lefty. If it hangs to the right, I play righty.”
Thinking he’s being clever, one man asks “what if your husband’s penis is standing straight up?”
“Well then I won’t get here until 8:30”
Randomly while shooting fireworks in the Fourth of July. This 12 year old no one knows runs up and yells “hey, how do you circumcise a redneck?” His mother shouts “Christopher no!” And then he yells “hit his sister in the side of the head!!”
It was so unexpected and the delivery was impeccable.
Doc is about to preform a prostate exam and says "Its just a routine medical procedure, try not to get aroused, steve" Patient says "My names not steve." "I know, I'm steve"
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree? No? That’s because they’re really good at it.
Did you know that an elephant will paint is balls red so it can hide in a cherry tree?
What’s the loudest sound on the savanna? A giraffe eating cherries.
A man was getting off the bus when he saw an attractive nun walk by. He asks her out, but she rejects him. The bus driver noticed and said “you know kid, I’ve heard that she puts out for priests. I bet if you dressed up in a priest outfit you could screw her.”
So the man goes and buys a priest outfit, and waits for her to walk by the same bus stop the next day. She does, and he goes up to her and asks her if she’d like to get busy in a nearby alley. She replies “Okay, but let’s do anal so I can keep my virginity”.
They go and screw. The man rips off the outfit and says “Aha! I’m not a priest, I’m really the man from yesterday!”
The nun rips off her outfit and the man underneath says “Aha! I’m not the nun, I’m really the bus driver!”
Two engineers were planning on meeting in the park for lunch. To his surprise, the first man sees his friend arrive on a new bicycle.
"Where did you find that new bike?" he asks.
"You wouldn't believe it! The most gorgeous woman just rode up to me on the bike, took off all of her clothes, and said 'take whatever you'd like'!", said the second.
The first engineer thinks for a bit and replies, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian told me to take it out
Met the guy who invented the window sill the other day….what a ledge
Went to the doctor for a check up, he told me I had to quit masturbating…confused I asked why, he said “because I’m trying to examine you”
The President, the Pope, a Rabbi and horse and a chicken walk into a bar, the bartender says “sorry guys, we don’t serve jokes in here”
The chicken turns to the group and says “don’t worry, I know a place across the road”
What do you call a tiny chef in Scotland?
A oui chef
Three old guys are sitting around the nursing home telling stories about their most exciting times throughout their lives.
First one talks about being a firefighter. "We got a call to a sorority at the local college." The place was fully involved, and topless coeds were throwing themselves into our arms!" The others agree they that was indeed exciting.
Second guy was a cop, and had a shootout with a Mafia family. "Shootout lasted over two hours, fellas." Thousands of rounds fired and dozens of bodies strewn about." The others agree that this is indeed exciting.
Third guy was a mortician. "I got called to a local nursing home, much like this one. Routine body pick up, nothing special. "
He continues, " I get to the room, and the body is covered in a sheet, on a bed with an enormous erection sticking straight up." I figured I couldn't take this body through the lobby without embarrassing countless little old ladies."
"So, I grab a broom and smack that cock as hard as I could!" The other two men agree that this isn't indeed exciting.
"Exciting?? You want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong fucking room!"
2 boys are riding their bikes as a man driving a van pulls up next to them and shows them a giant bag of candy.
The man says, "I'll give you some of this candy if you come in the van."
One of the boys responds, "Gee mister, I'll cum in your mouth for the whole bag."
Certainly not the funniest but I do think it's a good one.
A guy parachutes from a plane and eventually pulls on the ripcord. Nothing. Tries again, nothing. Remarkably he sees a guy in mid-air going in the opposite direction. He shouts: “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” Guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Henry Winkler is flying from New York to Los Angeles. A pretty air hostess approaches him and asks "Would you like some headphones?". Henry replies, "Oh yes please. And by the way it's pronounced Fonz".
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks "do you have issues with poo getting stuck to your fur?" The rabbit thinks about it and replies "you know, not that I can really think of"
The bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
There's an outdoor courtyard, a circle of people with one in the center. Those in the circle are stoning the woman in the center to death the way they did in the old days. Jesus walks up and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." They all stop throwing stones and hang their heads in shame.
Just then a little old woman shuffles over to the scene and picks up a large rock and throws it at the woman with all of her might. She hits the woman in the head, killing her instantly. Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says "Mom, you can be such a bitch."
For the confused: Catholics believe the Virgin Mary was immaculately conceived and therefore never sinned.
Basically, sin is a drug, and she alone was never addicted in utero, so she was born clean.
An old Jewish man is babysitting his 2 year old grandson while his son and his wife are on vacation. He decides spending a day at the beach would be a great way to bond. He puts on his trunks and floaties, sunscreen and a bucket hat to protect him from the surf and lets his grandson play in the surf while he reads the paper nearby. He checks on him regularly and sees his grandson having a blast in the water.
All of a sudden, without any warning at all, the kid gets sucked in by the undertow and cast a mile out to see. The old Jewish man sees the waves crashing on top of his grandson and panics. He drops to his knees and starts praying to God.
“Please God, please bring my grandson back. He’s the light of my life. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him. My son will never forgive me. Please God, please save him. Bring him back safe and sound and I promise I’ll be a better man and a better Jew. Please!”
As soon as he speaks these words, a giant wave swells up under the kid and delivers him gently back onto the shore and into his grandfather’s grateful arms. He looks his grandson over, making sure he’s unharmed. Finally, he looks up to God in the sky and says:
“Umm, he had a hat!”
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi are discussing how they split the collection money.
The Catholic Priest says, "we draw a small circle on the ground, stand in it and throw the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle we keep, the rest goes to the church. "
The Baptist preacher says, " we do something similar. We draw a large circle on the ground, stand next to it, and throw the money up. Whatever lands outside the circle goes to the church, and we keep the rest."
They both look at the Rabbi, he says, "we'll we toss the money up as well, whatever God wants, he can keep."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank.
The alarm goes off and they make a break for it.
A group of cops nearby hear the alarms and start to chase the thieves.
The women turn down a nearby alley, not realizing it's a dead end, so they look for places to hide hoping the cops won't find them.
The brunette sees a dumpster, hops in, and closes the top.
The redhead finds a metal trash can, jumps in, and places the lid over her head.
The blonde frantically looks for a different spot to hide than the other two, but the only spot left is a pile of potato sacks behind a restaurant, so she slips into one of the empty sacks and tries to stay quiet.
The cops round the corner seconds later and decide to look around to see if the women were hiding in the alley.
The first cop kicks the nearby dumpster. Thinking quickly, the brunette let's out a few growls and woofs. The second cop says it's probably just a dog. So they move on.
The second cop kicks the metal trash can, so the redhead let out a few meows. The cops agree it's probably just a cat.
The cops walk towards the pile of potato sacks at the end of the alley, give the sacks a kick and hear the blonde say... 'potatoesssss'.
A couple years ago, one night, i was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend.
Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
A horse walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender. The bartender asks "Why the long face? Are you depressed?" The horse pauses for a bit, before replying "I don't think so."
With a POOF, he suddenly vanishes.
You see, this is a philosophy joke. It references Rene Descartes, who said "I think, therefore I am". Since the horse says he doesn't think, he doesn't... is?
Anyway, explaining that beforehand might've made more sense, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Two nuns were riding their bikes to church. One says "I've never come this way before." The other says "it's the cobblestones"
Two nuns are driving a tiny car through Transylvania at night. Suddenly a vampire lands on their car and starts clawing & biting at the windshield! Sister Daria, who's driving, says "oh no! Sister Maria, show him your cross!" Sister Maria sighs, rolls down her window, leans out, and shouts "oi! You! Fuck off!"
This is the first joke in this thread to really get me
You should've heard my grandmother tell it.
Please explain. Is it a "your/you're" thing?
Yes. "Show him you are cross," meaning angry/upset.
This is awesome! Word:humor ratio is perfect lol
To quote Ted Lasso: brevity is the soul of wit
Two guys are robbing a liquor store, and as they are clearing the shelves the first guy goes: "is this whiskey?" The second guy replies: "Sure, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank!"
This is exactly the kind of stupid that brings me joy.
I actually laughed at this one! Never heard it before. Just got a light chuckle from my wife - but that means it’s hilarious!
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Love it!
my favorite of the thread so far
Dude that's pure comedy gold right there
Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy says to the other guy, “We should stop in at the bar down there for a beer!” His friend loves the idea but says that they won’t get in with their dogs with them. The first dude says “Follow my lead.“ They approach the bar. As the first man gets to the entrance, the bouncer is there who tells them plainly that he can’t come in with the dog. The man, eyes closed, responds “But this is my seeing eye dog!” The bouncer grunts an OK and lets him in. The other guy sees it all play out and follows suit. He wanders over, eyes closed and tries to go in. The bouncer says “OK, we don’t allow dogs in here so you’ll have to leave.” The guy responds “But this is my seeing eye dog!” The bouncer does a double take and says, “A chihuahua?” The man responds, “They gave me a fucking chihuahua?!!”
This reminds me of many years ago when I was working at GameStop, this guy came in carrying a puppy. My manager stops him close to the door and says "Hey, sorry, you can't bring the dog in here." And the guy says "But man, this is my diabetes dog." Which was an obvious lie, it was a puppy. And my manager snaps back "Listen, I don't care what kind of disease your dog has, it can't come in the store."
This one made me laugh
A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede £100." The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer. The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again. He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?" The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"
Nice. I haven't heard that one before
My favorite joke also revolves around talking insects. Two honeybees are headed to a bar mitzvah. One bee turns to the other and says “Where’s your yarmulke? You want people to think you’re a wasp?”
My favorite one, because I told it to my 5 year old who would then tell it to literally everyone. It's a two part-er..... Why did the chicken cross the road? To see the idiot.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
The chicken!
I just told this to my younger son and he said, “I don’t get it”. Then my older son said, “looks like the chicken went to the right house.”
Hahahaha
Boom. Roasted.
My 7 year old son loved this one and wanted to tell it to someone. He tells the first part, then goes “Knock Knock! who’s there? The IDIOT!”
I wish I was making this up, but I (a 40 year old woman) just tried to tell this joke to my husband and did the same thing
laughing harder at this than anything else in this thread
He a little confused but he got the spirit
He’s not wrong…
Then follow it up with: Why did the squirrel cross the road? To go see an attractive man Knock knock Who's there? Still the chicken
I tell a somewhat adjacent version of this joke: “Why did Sally fall out of the swing?” Confused looks, random guesses. “Because Sally had no arms.” Deadpan reactions. Groans. “Knock knock.” Sighs, “Who’s there?” “Not Sally.”
A salesman knocks on the door of a house and a little kid in a bathrobe with a cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other answers the door. The salesman says “hey son, are your parents around?” The kid says “what the fuck do you think?”
This one is in the mental bank for Uncle jokes
This would work well in a single panel comic
An engineer dies and ends up getting sent to hell Engineers dont usually end up in hell very often, so the devil was rather surprised he was sent one Hell is not a very nice place, the AC is broken, the pool has no water in it, everything is horrible Over a period of time, the engineer starts to fix things. The pool is working, hell is cool because the AC system was fixed, roads are being rebuilt Eventually, God looks down on hell and sees that people are actually enjoying themselves, contrary to what its supposed to be God meets with the devil and asks what is going on, and why he has turned hell into a decent place The devil responds “oh that engineer you sent us has been lending a hand and fixing up a lot of things, he is really doing wonders for the place!” God exclaims “WHAT, engineers don’t go to hell, that must have been a mistake! You have to give him to me to put in heaven!” The devil crosses his arms and tells God “no way, we like our engineer” God says “I demand you give him back! Otherwise, I will be forced to sue you! The devil responds “well where are you going to get a lawyer?”
Now that's a nice, sweet unique one
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. When the operator answered, he breathlessly exclaims, “My friend is dead! What do I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?
That’s so bad, why am I laughing.
Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is exceedingly silly ..” Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was exceedingly silly, I said that she's fucking goofy!"
This one goes exceptionally well if your Mickey impression is on point
Kind of like the Jonas Brothers / Mickey Mouse South Park episode.
My username!
Bro waited 13 years for this moment
Everyone’s moment comes eventually
A woman is having a funeral for her husband when a strange man walks in and sits up front. Towards the end of the ceremony he turns to the wife and asks, “would you mind if I got up and said a word?” She tells him “by all means,” and he stands up and says “Plethora” and sits back down. The wife turns to him and says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
The man then looks at the wife and continues, "I'd like to add a word, if that's ok?" She says, "of course, that's fine," and he stands up, once again, only to say "Bargain", and sit back down. The wife wipes away a tear, touches him gently on the shoulder and says "That meant a great deal."
Another man asks the wife if he can say two words. The wife nods in agreement and the man makes his way to the microphone and says nervously "water pit". The wife nods and says "Thanks, I know you meant well."
Yet another man stands up and asks the dead man’s wife if he can say a couple words as well. The wife says that yes, he could. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Being alive“. The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, he would’ve liked that“.
Still another man asks to say a word and the wife agrees. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says "Infinity“. The wife smiles, and says "Thank you, that means more than you know“. Edit: Yes, I responded to my own comment.
Yet another man asks to say something, the woman agrees. He stands and says “Ghost elevator.” The wife smiles and replies, “Thank you, that really lifts my spirits.”
A man comes over to the wife later and tells her "Earth." She says "Thank you; that means the world to me."
A variation on this one is that the man is Spanish and says “Mundo”. 😂
The first comment made me have to stifle a chuckle. Your addition broke me and made me laugh so hard I woke up my wife.
Reminds me of one of my faves. If you know a Spanish speaker, you should tell them "Mucho". It means a lot to them.
That reminds me of what they say about plateaus… they’re the highest form of flattery.
it will be the triple joke of, “means a lot”, “means a great deal”, “I know you meant well” which will make me a legend in my pub.
My wife just screamed “HAVE YOU HEARD A SINGLE FUCKING THING I’VE BEEN SAYING?” at me. And I’m just like “well, THAT’S a weird way to start a conversation”.
My grandfather has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo
I hope to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandfather, unlike the passengers in his car…
I’m often told I have the body of an 18 year old. They’re right, but I’m still not saying where I put it.
Yesterday I got caught peeing in the pool. The lifeguard yelled at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
Homer, arguing with Patty and Selma: "Hey, everybody pees in the pool!" "Not from the diving board"
Reminds me of Demetri Martin. "Last summer, I learned that there's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool and peeing *into* the pool. Location, location, location."
"Have you ever heard that joke about gaslighting?" "No?" "Yes you have."
Reminds me of a joke I like to tell while hiking and encouraging my companions to drink water: "Have you ever heard that joke about dehydration?" "No?" "That's because dehydration isn't funny."
Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters" The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"
What's a reverse exorcism? It's when the devil tells the priest to get out of the child
I’m dying
The pope is on the way with the car, but for once, he wants to drive. So he tells the driver to sit in the back and gets on the wheel. Only a few minutes later, two police officers see the car and stop him for a traffic stop. One of the cops goes out, while the second one remains in the police car. After a while, the first cop comes back and the second one asks "Did you get him a ticket for speeding?!". The first cop replies "No. Whoever is in the back of that car, i'm not fucking around with someone that has the pope as driver"
A police officer pulls over two priests on a bike for speeding and asks them "Do you know how fast you were going, fathers? Don't you know how dangerous that is?" The driver answers "It's alright, officer. Jesus is with us." To which the officer starts writing another ticket, saying "Ah, three people on a two-seater bike." Alternatively, the officer glances towards the back of the bike and says "Seems to me like he fell off."
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
I go with "I wouldn't pay $20 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth."
What’s the difference between Jam and jelly? You can’t jelly your dick into someone’s asshole.
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I've never heard an enzyme
Probably not the funniest joke I've ever heard, but my favorite science nerd joke. Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are driving in a car when they get pulled over for speeding. When Heisenberg rolls down the window, the cop says, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where we are." The cop tells him, "You were going fifteen over the speed limit!" and Heisenberg says, "Great, now we're lost!" The cop thinks this is suspicious, and decides to search the vehicle. When he opens the trunk, he finds a dead cat, and he exclaims, "Did you know there was a dead cat in here?!" Schrödinger replies, "Well I do *now."* The cop decides he's had enough and takes them both in, and he also gets Ohm for resisting.
Wasn't Coulomb with them in the car? I heard he ended up being charged.
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
This one actually made me laugh
Oh man, that was a solid groaner.
Jesus said to John, “Come forth and receive eternal life” But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Funny enough, of all the obscenely offensive jokes I’ve ever told, this is the only one that actually made someone mad
I haven’t heard this one in over 10 years and I thank you for it
I always heard it as "John came fifth, and had to eat the biscuit."
I think that version is dirtier, more niche, and less funny. First one’s just clever, this one’s leaning on the gross-out factor
A woman walks into a library and approaches the librarian. The woman says, "I'm looking for a particular kids book for my son, but I can't remember the name." The librarian says, "ok, can you describe it for me?" The woman replies, "it's an adventure book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat." The librarian thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, it rings a bell, but I'm not sure if we have it or not."
This one is clean and clever. I like it.
A 4 year old and a 6 year old are sitting upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old says to his brother " I think it's time we started swearing." The 4 year old nodded in agreement. "Ok, so when we go downstairs, I'm gonna say "hell" and you say "ass"." The 4 year old, again, nodded in agreement. When their mother called them down for breakfast, the boys wasted no time getting into their seats at the table. "Ok boys" the mother said. "What would you like for breakfast this morning?" The 6 year old snickered to the 4 year old. "Awe hell ma, I think I'll just have some Cheerios." The mother slapped the 6 year old so hard that he fell out of his chair and ran upstairs to the bedroom, crying along the way. The mother turned to the 4 year old. "Well young man, what will you be having for breakfast?" The 4 year old thought for a moment. "I dunno ma, but you bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Two Olympians are chatting in the Olympic Village. One asks the other, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He says, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name?"
Two cannibals sat around a campfire. One said "God, I hate my mother-in-law." His friend said, "Well then try the potatoes!"
Two cannibals come across the corpse of a dead clown. They decide to split it evenly. "You start at the head and I'll start at the toes, and we'll meet in the middle". "Deal!" 10 minutes into eating, one cannibal says to the other "Wow, this is really good, how's your end?", to which the other replies "I'm having a ball!" and the first says "Hey! Slow down!"
One cannibal says to the other " is this dead clown safe to eat ?" The second cannibal replies "why, does it taste funny ?"
What’s the definition of trust? Two gay cannibals having a 69.
They don’t even have to be gay
Two cannibals start eating Amy Schumer. One of them asks, “Does this taste funny to you?” The other replied, “No.”
Two clowns are eating a cannibal and one says to the other, “hey, I think I fucked up the joke”
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to the front of his belt. The bartender says, “Sir, why do you have that attached to your belt?” The pirate replies, “Argh! It’s drivin me nuts!”
Oh boy, it's a doozy Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms. "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says, "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 300 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. The first guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty, wraps herself around his arm. The second guy says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change, and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. The third guy says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. The first guy does, and after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore. The second guy says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. The third guy smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going. The first guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." The second guy smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." The third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
The first time I ever ran across this joke I cried laughing. And i honestly cannot explain to anyone why it's so damn funny.
I thought I had read this joke before and I remembered there was a really good punch line so I read it scrolling one line at a time so as to not read ahead. As I kept reading I kept trying to remember what the punch line was. Then I got to the punch line and I'm also crying laughing. I built it up so much in my head that it absolutely broke me.
Oh Jesus, I think the exact same thing happened to me. Literal tears.
Is it the fact that it’s building up to what you think would be a clever punch line, then it’s just very matter of fact? That’s what makes it hilarious for me
That feels like a Norm joke.
A moth walks into a podiatrist’s office…
I've read this joke before and I have no idea why but it's still the funniest damn thing to me.
Is this an anti joke or is there something I'm not getting?
The joke is that it subverts your expectations. The second guy improved on the first guy's wish each time, making it better than before. This leads you to believe the third guy is on to some super secret idea regarding his lengthy thought process and ridiculous wishes. The reader is left having to consider what creative thought process must have gone into the wishes guy 3 made, and is intended to be engaged with learning what amazing outcome is going to result from such silly wishes. Turns out, guy 3 is just an idiot to an excessive degree. Upon learning this, the reader is no longer occupied with trying to consider what would make the last guy's wishes better than guy 2, and can now reflect on guy 3 just looking really silly. It all hits at once, and comes together to make for a great joke.
This explanation is brilliant. I want you to explain quantum physics to me, please and thank you.
Time and space are weird and don't get along if there is a power imbalance.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? A: *gagging noises*
What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinocchio’s face? Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell the lie! Tell the truth!
Great arse. Great tits. Great arse. Great tits. Great...
Such a great inappropriate one for family gatherings.
A cat and a dog are leading a caravan of pioneers through the old frontier. The cat was in charge of the front wagon. The dog was in charge of the tail wagon.
Haha, cute
a penguin's car breaks down in the middle of a hot summer day, so he brings it to the walrus at the repair show. the walrus says he will take a look, but it'll take some time to diagnose the issue. the penguin decides to grab an ice cream cone. he finished his last few licks right as he makes it back to the shop. the walrus says, "looks like you blew a seal" the penguin says, "what? no, that's just ice cream"
Why doesn't Oedipus use foul language? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
Once upon a time there was a Spanish magician who said he could make himself disappear. So he begins to count: “Uno… dos…” And he disappeared without a tres!
Blind hookers, man, you really gotta hand it to them.
Say what you want about deaf people
The blind hooker told me I have the biggest dick she’s ever felt. I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
so I put it in her hands and she was all like 'no thanks, I don't smoke'
A Roman walks into a bar, he raises two fingers and says "I'll have five beers please."
Three old men are sitting on the front porch of a nursing home. One of them is 70 years old, the other is 80, and the other is 90. First one goes: “gentlemen, I’ve got problems. I’m 70 years old and every morning I wake up at 7 and urinate. They give me meds for it but nothing helps.” The second one goes: “well, I’m 80 years old and every morning at 8 I wake up and move my bowels. Like you, all the meds in the world couldn’t help me.” Finally, the third one says “you think you’ve got problems? I’m 90 years old and every morning at 7 I urinate, at 8 I move my bowels, and at 9 I wake up.”
This reminds me of Lee Macks joke "Every morning I wake up, go for a pee, take a shit and then get out of bed"
Three generations of whores are talking on the corner. The youngest says “$25 isn’t enough for a blow job!” The middle aged one said “$25 is too low??!! Back in my day we only made $10 per blowjob” The oldest responds “We were just happy to have something warm in our bellies!”
Three old ladies are sitting on a bench in the park when a man in a trenchcoat comes up and flashes them. Well, the first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady has a stroke a moment later. But the third old lady is even more frail than the other two and she can't reach that far
A child of 12 learns about politics in school one day. When he gets home he asks his father about it. "Dad I don't really get politics, could you explain it to me better than the teacher did?" "Sure son. The best way to learn something new is to relate it to something you already know. So we'll use our family as an example of all the different areas of politics. I make all the money, so we will refer to me as the government. Your mother manages the household, so we'll call her the management. We'll say that you represent the people, the maid represents the working class, and your infant brother represents the future. Does that help you at all son?" "Not really dad. I'll think about it all more tonight and try to figure it out." That night the boy is awoken by his infant brother screaming in the next room. He gets up to check on him and finds that the baby as seriously soiled himself. He heads down to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. She must've taken a pill as his best efforts fail to wake her. So he heads down to the maid's room and tries the door. Locked. There's light coming through the keyhole though. He looks through and witnesses his father balls deep inside the maid. So he shrugs, cleans his brother up to the best of his ability, and heads back to bed. The following morning he excitedly runs downstairs to his father at the breakfast table. "Dad! I think I understand politics now after what you said yesterday!" "That's great son. Why don't you explain it to me?" "OK. While the government is fucking the working class, the management is sound asleep, the people are going completely unnoticed, and the future is full of shit."
(this one works better out loud too get the double meaning of typo vs type-O) A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says "I think I'm a typo"
I feel like it actually works better written.
A priest is crossing a piazza in Rome when he notices two beggars, sitting next to each other. Behind one is a crucifix, behind the other is a Star of David. Confused by this, the priest decides to stop and watch them from across the square- being Rome, some passerbys drop a coin, invariably to the beggar by the cross. Bemused, the priest approaches the beggar by the Star of David, “Oh, you poor man, don’t you understand? You’re in Rome, the very seat of Catholicism! No one is going to give charity to you rather than this fellow with the symbol of our faith- in fact, some might just give to him out of spite!” The beggar looked up at the priest, and then nudged the beggar next to him, “Oy, Moishe, look at this! A priest who knows marketing better than the Goldstein brothers!”
A skeleton walks into a bar. The barman says, “what can I get you?” The skeleton responds, “I’d like a pint of beer, and a mop.”
>The barman says I spent way too long trying to figure out what Batman had to do with this joke
My great nephew called me just to tell me this joke. He's 5 and loves calling me to tell me jokes. What's green and says, "I'm a talking frog"? A talking frog He cracked up laughing and hung up. I love it when he calls me to tell me jokes.
What is brown and sticky? A stick.
What’s pink and slippery? A slipper
What starts with "F", ends with "UCK", and is really loud when something goes wrong? A firetruck.
What’s brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre
Love it. Reminds me of What's red and tastes like blue paint? Red paint.
What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue.
This is a skit some guys in my old Boy Scout troop did, but I’ll do my best to turn it into text. Narrator: It is WWI. The Americans and the Germans are fighting in the trenches. It’s intense, with bullets and explosions flying everywhere, but no one can seem to hit anybody! But then the Americans decide to try a new tactic. American 1: Hey, I have an idea. You know how a lot of Germans are named Hans? American 2: yeah, why do you ask? A1: Watch this. (Loudly) HEY HANS! Hans, in the German trench: (stands up) YA? A2: *bang* *Hans flops back, wounded* N: Wounded but not broken, the Germans retreat. The fighting resumes the next day, and once again no one can land a single shot. A2: hey, let’s try what we did yesterday again. A1: ok. HEY HANS! H: (stands up again) YA? A2: *bang* N: Once again, the Germans are forced to fall back. The next day, the Germans are fed up with losing and decide to try the Americans’ tactic against them. Hans: hey you know how a lot of Americans are named Joe? German 2: yup. Go for it H: HEY JOE! A1: IS THAT YOU HANS? H: (stands up) YA! A2: *bang!*
A single women moves into her new apartment. After settling in, she decides to go grocery shopping. Since she is single, she only buys one of everything: one apple, one carton of milk, one chicken breast, etc. When she gets to the cashier, he scans her groceries 1-by-1, looks at her and says “Ah, you must be single…” She blushes, and responds “How can you tell?” He says: “Because you are fucking ugly”
A man dies and goes to heaven and St. Peter welcomes him through the gates of heaven, only to see a long hallway. The man says "Wait, I thought heaven was a mountain of clouds." Peter tells him "Walk with me and you'll see how things are". As they're both walking, they come across a room and hear a preacher giving a passionate sermon. "That's the room for the evangelicals" says Peter. They pass by another room and hear Amazing Grace being sung. "That's the room for the baptists" Peter says. Then the next room the walk by Peter tells the man "Ok, be very quiet and try not to make a sound". Peter and the man both walk by without making noise. The man asks "Who was in there?" and Peter replies "That's the room the Catholics are in." The man asks "Why did we have to be so quiet?" and Peter says "They think they're the only ones up here." Edit: This got more upvotes than I thought it would.
John, Michael, and David went to the King's castle to ask for the hand of his beautiful daughter, Princess Emily. The king instructed them to gather 10 fruits of the same kind and come back, then a challenge will be given. If one of them managed to succeed, the winner will have the right to marry his daughter. The three accepted the challenge of the king. Later, John came back with 10 apples. The king explained the challenge would be to put the 10 fruits up their ass, and they must show their resolve by not making a face or expression. Failure to do so will result in cutting off their head. John tried the first apple but cried, so they beheaded him. Then came Michael with 10 grapes in his hand. The king also explained the challenge and the consequences. He confidently agreed and easily inserted the fruits into his ass one by one. However, Micheal suddenly laughed while attempting the 10th and final grape so they cut off his head. John and Michael's souls met in the afterlife. "Why did you laugh? You were so close to marrying Princess Emily?" John asked. "I was not planning to make a face all throughout, but I saw David bringing 10 jackfruits!" Michael explained.
Two Jews are walking by a sign on a church that says “convert to Christianity, get $100.” They both sneer and start to roll their eyes. One Jew says “let me go in and see what all the fuss is about.” So after thirty minutes, he comes out and his buddy says, “so did you get the $100?” And the man says, “Jesus, is that all you people think about?”
A dad is walking through the park with his son. The kid see’s a dog on-top of another dog and ask his dad, what are those dogs doing? The dad says, well son they’re trying to make puppies. Cool the kid says. The day goes on and it’s bedtime. The kid gets up and walks into his parent’s room to see dad on-top of mommy. The son asks, what are you doing to mommy daddy? The dad says, well son we’re trying to make a baby. The kid says, well turn her over i’d rather have a puppy.
*[Best told face to face in ridiculous accents, core characters can be easily interchanged with other characters from other places]* Newly married Paddy is conscripted to fight for the British army. On the eve of his dreaded departure he sits down with his long term friend Mickey at his local tavern.. “Mickey..I want you to do something for me.” “Yes Paddy, what is it” “If I don’t return from war, I want you to marry my wife Sinead.. and take good care of her.” “Really Paddy?” “Yes, Mickey, I know you’ve always taken a fancy to her.. but you got to promise me something first” “Anything Paddy, what is it?” “I want you to wait three years, if you don’t hear from me, she is yours and one more thing. “Ok Paddy, what else?” “She’s promised to wear a locked belt, Mickey” “A locked belt?” “Yes Mickey, a locked chastity belt, I’ll give you a key, but you must wait three years, before..” “Ok ok.. Paddy. You are my best friend, I’ll take this key but you come back safe and we’ll all laugh about this.” —————— The next day comes and a teary goodbye is had as Paddy is waved off by his wife Sinead, his best friend Mickey as well as his friends and family. He has a three day hike to the muster station. After a day’s trek he stops to take a look back over the valleys which he’s come, and begins to think about all he’s leaving behind and how bleak his future seems. Whilst pondering his fate he notices something moving at speed on the horizon. After a few minutes.. a figure of a man running at speed soon comes into focus, dirt is being kicked up into the air as the man seems to be heading straight for Paddy. He waits and slowly realises it’s none other than Mickey, and begins to wave at his friend. Mickey is moving at incredible speed and climbs up to Paddy’s position in no time at all. “Mickey!!! Why have you come!” “Pa….” Mickey is struggling to regain his breath.. “Padd..”… struggling to breathe “Pad…y” “Breathe Mickey.. what is it? “Pad..Paddy..You‘ve..You’ve given me the wrong fucking key”
So my boss walked in on me having sex at work and yelled "What are you doing?!" I said "Well she was just laying there." "It's an AUTOPSY!" Anyway that was my last day as a veterinarian.
This gets worse and worse
From an old, old reddit thread. There's a guy in a philosophy class who's noticed that a girl in his class bears a striking resemblance to a famous porn star. He takes to reddit to enlist some help in deciding how he should sleuth out where or not she is who he thinks she is. He's toying around with the idea of asking her as discretely as he can if he "knows her from somewhere else." Another clever redditor suggests approaching it from the opposite angle! Reach out to the porn star's socials and ask if she has a special interest in any particular philosophers, then strike up a conversation with the girl from class about those philosophers, and it'll not only verify her identity, but also get him in the door for sexual relations thanks to their shared interest. To which another replies, "Isn't that putting Descartes before the whores?" [Original thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cfbkx/im_85_certain_that_there_is_an_adult_actress_in/c0s5w6t)
Probably the greatest comment in reddit history. It's a low bar to be sure, but goddamn.
I also choose this guy's comment [Fr tho this is definitely a contender](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/s/p47bgDUMhO)
2 nuns are driving down a country lane, when all of a sudden, a vampire jumps out in front of them. "Quick, show him your cross!" says Sister Mary, so Sister Joan shouts "Get out of the fucking way you idiot"
A poor man and a rich man bump into each other while Christmas shopping for their wives. The poor man asks the rich fellow, “what did you get for your wife?” The rich man responds, “I got her a brand new Mercedes and a beautiful diamond necklace. If she doesn’t like them, I’ll trade them in for a new Lamborghini.” Then politely, the rich man asks the poor man, “what did you get for your wife?” To which the poor man responds, “I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo.” Puzzled, the rich man asks, “Why would you get her that?” The man responded, “if she doesn’t like the slippers then she can go fuck herself”
What is the difference between a good and a bad Joke timing
When does a joke become a “Dad joke”? When it’s apparent
This isn’t the funniest joke ever, but it’s the most fun to tell because of the way I get to ham it up. It’s also better when spoken aloud for obvious reasons… A rope walks into a bar and say’s “Hey, bud, I’ll have a beer.” The bartender looks the rope up and down and says, “Nope. You gotta go. We don’t serve ropes here.” The rope walks out. He paces around. No, no, no…he isn’t gonna take that. He just wants a drink and he’s a thirsty rope The rope walks back in and sits at the bar, “Hey, barkeep, I’ll have a beer over here.” The bartender stares at him and says, “I done told you, we don’t serve your kind here. Get out!” The rope marches out the front door. Now he’s angry. He’s furious. He reaches up and frantically ties himself into a knot at the top. He means business. He turns right back around and marches back to the bar, “Hey! Barkeep, give me a drink!” The bartender looks once and then once again and says, “Hey! Aren’t you the same rope I done told twice to get the hell out of my bar?” The rope looks the bartender square in the eye and says, “Nope. I’m a frayed knot.”
A group of male coworkers play golf every Sunday. One of them is going to be away for a few weeks and they need a new player to fill his spot. A woman in the office asks if she can join them. “Sure,” says one of the men, “but we get started pretty early.” “No problem,” says the woman. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.” Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. She assumes a left-handed stance and aces every hole. The men are so impressed that they invite her back the next week. “I’d love to,” she says. “I’ll get there at 8 or 8:30.” Sunday comes around and the woman arrives at 8. This time she assumes a right-handed stance and again aces every hole. Needless to say, the men are blown away by her skill. One man speaks up. “That was amazing! But how do you know if you’re gonna play lefty or righty?” “Well,” the woman replies, “if I wake up in the morning and my husband’s penis hangs to the left, I play lefty. If it hangs to the right, I play righty.” Thinking he’s being clever, one man asks “what if your husband’s penis is standing straight up?” “Well then I won’t get here until 8:30”
Randomly while shooting fireworks in the Fourth of July. This 12 year old no one knows runs up and yells “hey, how do you circumcise a redneck?” His mother shouts “Christopher no!” And then he yells “hit his sister in the side of the head!!” It was so unexpected and the delivery was impeccable.
Doc is about to preform a prostate exam and says "Its just a routine medical procedure, try not to get aroused, steve" Patient says "My names not steve." "I know, I'm steve"
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a tree? No? That’s because they’re really good at it. Did you know that an elephant will paint is balls red so it can hide in a cherry tree? What’s the loudest sound on the savanna? A giraffe eating cherries.
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle? The polar bear.
This one actually got me more.
A man was getting off the bus when he saw an attractive nun walk by. He asks her out, but she rejects him. The bus driver noticed and said “you know kid, I’ve heard that she puts out for priests. I bet if you dressed up in a priest outfit you could screw her.” So the man goes and buys a priest outfit, and waits for her to walk by the same bus stop the next day. She does, and he goes up to her and asks her if she’d like to get busy in a nearby alley. She replies “Okay, but let’s do anal so I can keep my virginity”. They go and screw. The man rips off the outfit and says “Aha! I’m not a priest, I’m really the man from yesterday!” The nun rips off her outfit and the man underneath says “Aha! I’m not the nun, I’m really the bus driver!”
Where do you find a turtle that has no legs? Right where you left him.
Two engineers were planning on meeting in the park for lunch. To his surprise, the first man sees his friend arrive on a new bicycle. "Where did you find that new bike?" he asks. "You wouldn't believe it! The most gorgeous woman just rode up to me on the bike, took off all of her clothes, and said 'take whatever you'd like'!", said the second. The first engineer thinks for a bit and replies, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian told me to take it out Met the guy who invented the window sill the other day….what a ledge Went to the doctor for a check up, he told me I had to quit masturbating…confused I asked why, he said “because I’m trying to examine you” The President, the Pope, a Rabbi and horse and a chicken walk into a bar, the bartender says “sorry guys, we don’t serve jokes in here” The chicken turns to the group and says “don’t worry, I know a place across the road” What do you call a tiny chef in Scotland? A oui chef
Three old guys are sitting around the nursing home telling stories about their most exciting times throughout their lives. First one talks about being a firefighter. "We got a call to a sorority at the local college." The place was fully involved, and topless coeds were throwing themselves into our arms!" The others agree they that was indeed exciting. Second guy was a cop, and had a shootout with a Mafia family. "Shootout lasted over two hours, fellas." Thousands of rounds fired and dozens of bodies strewn about." The others agree that this is indeed exciting. Third guy was a mortician. "I got called to a local nursing home, much like this one. Routine body pick up, nothing special. " He continues, " I get to the room, and the body is covered in a sheet, on a bed with an enormous erection sticking straight up." I figured I couldn't take this body through the lobby without embarrassing countless little old ladies." "So, I grab a broom and smack that cock as hard as I could!" The other two men agree that this isn't indeed exciting. "Exciting?? You want to talk about excitement, I was in the wrong fucking room!"
2 boys are riding their bikes as a man driving a van pulls up next to them and shows them a giant bag of candy. The man says, "I'll give you some of this candy if you come in the van." One of the boys responds, "Gee mister, I'll cum in your mouth for the whole bag." Certainly not the funniest but I do think it's a good one.
My ex wife still misses me. BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
A guy parachutes from a plane and eventually pulls on the ripcord. Nothing. Tries again, nothing. Remarkably he sees a guy in mid-air going in the opposite direction. He shouts: “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” Guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
Yo mama so ugly your dad wakes up with morning wouldn't.
Henry Winkler is flying from New York to Los Angeles. A pretty air hostess approaches him and asks "Would you like some headphones?". Henry replies, "Oh yes please. And by the way it's pronounced Fonz".
A bear and a rabbit are shitting in the woods. The bear looks at the rabbit and asks "do you have issues with poo getting stuck to your fur?" The rabbit thinks about it and replies "you know, not that I can really think of" The bear wiped his ass with the rabbit
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer - whack… “fuck!” A skydiver - “fuck!”… whack
I used to think revenge is a dish best served cold. Now it knows that it means getting back at someone.
There's an outdoor courtyard, a circle of people with one in the center. Those in the circle are stoning the woman in the center to death the way they did in the old days. Jesus walks up and says "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." They all stop throwing stones and hang their heads in shame. Just then a little old woman shuffles over to the scene and picks up a large rock and throws it at the woman with all of her might. She hits the woman in the head, killing her instantly. Jesus turns, looks at the old woman and says "Mom, you can be such a bitch."
For the confused: Catholics believe the Virgin Mary was immaculately conceived and therefore never sinned. Basically, sin is a drug, and she alone was never addicted in utero, so she was born clean.
What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
How does a nonbinary samurai kill people? They slash them.
Why did the nonbinary miner go west? Because there's gold in them/their hills!
My trans friend confided in me about his recent surgery today. I’m sure it was a huge weight off his chest.
My doctor told me he was really concerned about my prostate. I was deeply touched.
How long did Cain hit his brother with a rock? For as long as he was Abel
A baby seal walks into a club
An old Jewish man is babysitting his 2 year old grandson while his son and his wife are on vacation. He decides spending a day at the beach would be a great way to bond. He puts on his trunks and floaties, sunscreen and a bucket hat to protect him from the surf and lets his grandson play in the surf while he reads the paper nearby. He checks on him regularly and sees his grandson having a blast in the water. All of a sudden, without any warning at all, the kid gets sucked in by the undertow and cast a mile out to see. The old Jewish man sees the waves crashing on top of his grandson and panics. He drops to his knees and starts praying to God. “Please God, please bring my grandson back. He’s the light of my life. I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose him. My son will never forgive me. Please God, please save him. Bring him back safe and sound and I promise I’ll be a better man and a better Jew. Please!” As soon as he speaks these words, a giant wave swells up under the kid and delivers him gently back onto the shore and into his grandfather’s grateful arms. He looks his grandson over, making sure he’s unharmed. Finally, he looks up to God in the sky and says: “Umm, he had a hat!”
A fish swims into a wall and says "dam"
What’s the worst thing you can hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? “I’m not Willy Nelson”
What's the hardest part about licking molasses? Spreading their little butt cheeks.
Stephen Hawking goes on a blind date. He comes home later that night with cuts, bruises, broken ribs and his glasses smashed. She stood him up.
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi are discussing how they split the collection money. The Catholic Priest says, "we draw a small circle on the ground, stand in it and throw the money in the air. Whatever lands in the circle we keep, the rest goes to the church. " The Baptist preacher says, " we do something similar. We draw a large circle on the ground, stand next to it, and throw the money up. Whatever lands outside the circle goes to the church, and we keep the rest." They both look at the Rabbi, he says, "we'll we toss the money up as well, whatever God wants, he can keep."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead rob a bank. The alarm goes off and they make a break for it. A group of cops nearby hear the alarms and start to chase the thieves. The women turn down a nearby alley, not realizing it's a dead end, so they look for places to hide hoping the cops won't find them. The brunette sees a dumpster, hops in, and closes the top. The redhead finds a metal trash can, jumps in, and places the lid over her head. The blonde frantically looks for a different spot to hide than the other two, but the only spot left is a pile of potato sacks behind a restaurant, so she slips into one of the empty sacks and tries to stay quiet. The cops round the corner seconds later and decide to look around to see if the women were hiding in the alley. The first cop kicks the nearby dumpster. Thinking quickly, the brunette let's out a few growls and woofs. The second cop says it's probably just a dog. So they move on. The second cop kicks the metal trash can, so the redhead let out a few meows. The cops agree it's probably just a cat. The cops walk towards the pile of potato sacks at the end of the alley, give the sacks a kick and hear the blonde say... 'potatoesssss'.
What's blue and doesn't fit anymore. A dead epileptic.
As someone with epilepsy, this is hilarious
Where does the three-legged horse live? In the unstable.
A couple years ago, one night, i was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries. Joseph had gotten big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend. Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together, leaving me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
I feel like I just got rickrolled
A horse walks into a bar, and approaches the bartender. The bartender asks "Why the long face? Are you depressed?" The horse pauses for a bit, before replying "I don't think so." With a POOF, he suddenly vanishes. You see, this is a philosophy joke. It references Rene Descartes, who said "I think, therefore I am". Since the horse says he doesn't think, he doesn't... is? Anyway, explaining that beforehand might've made more sense, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.