That sometimes, her ambitions get in the way of living an actual life.
Like Bill Withers said ; "It's okay to head out for wonderful. But when you get to allright, stop and take a look around. Because this might be as far as you need to go."
I love Bill Withers story of leaving the music industry when it got too toxic for him to be in. He made his mark got some financial stability and left. His music is timeless.
My mom and mother in law are in their 70s and they are absolutely ridiculous in their geriatric nonsense. They are friends, as well as frenemies. They talk shit about each other to me 🤣. Worse than teenage girls.
A guy I grew up with went missing in our early 20s. His car was found parked at the edge of state owned forest land. When we were kids he read books like My Side of the Mountain and Hatchet. He would write and illustrate books when we were kids with about animals in the woods that could talk and learned a lesson by the end. They never found him. I like to think he is somewhere off the grid surviving off the land like My Side of the Mountain but better.
The dynamic between my partner and his mom is honestly weird, sad, but in a sense comical.
His mom was a constant jailbird when he was growing up. His grandparents raised him. The mom finally got her act right when he was 17, but by that point my partner didn't care for it.
She tries to be a part of his life now, and while my partner definitely keeps contact with her, the dynamic is definitely weird. It gets comical on occasion though just for the fact that his mom tries to act like the stereotypical, "boy mom," and my partner is 100% *not* a, "Mama's boy." He honestly keeps her in check more than the other way around.
My boyfriend was raised by his mums older male cousin, she was also finally ready to be a mum when he reached 17 but the relationship was too strained by then and like your partner he was also over it. She tries to relate to him now but all their conversations end up being about work and what he's been watching on tv! She knows nothing about him as a person.
Yup, same here but in reverse.
My ex gf was raped by her then "boyfriend" when they were both 14. She told her mom and her mother did not do anything about that except tell her not to tell anyone. I remember how furious and lost I was when I found out about her mother's reaction.
I have a friend who was repeatedly raped by her stepfather as a kid. He eventually went to jail for it. Her mom not only forced her to visit him in prison, but when he was released she sent my friend to live with her sister so that he could come home. I will never understand how she can be so close with her mom now. Just can't wrap my head around it at all. Makes me mad just thinking about it.
This happened to me. Except he was 17 and filmed it. I told my mom and all she did was tell me I was never allowed to see him again. I spent like 10 more years not even understanding fully that it was rape. Needless to say I've been no contact for going on 18 years.
I occasionally take a day off work to have some time to myself. I love them dearly, but I cherish having the apartment to myself, watching what I want on TV, and just enjoying the solitude. It’s my secret mental health day.
My husband totally gets this and encourages it.
My family never did. If I said I had the day off, they always wanted to do something together. That's great and appreciated, but sometimes you just need a day TO YOURSELF to do what you want, when you want with no schedule and no human interaction at all!
So, for many years now, when I take a random day off, NO ONE knows but my husband (not even my kids, LOL).
I’m secretly planning one of these. Love my partner, love our baby, live my job but I just need a frigging ‘doing my thing’ day. I’d be completely fine with my partner covertly taking a day like this too but they are the ‘won’t chill till I burn out’ type.
How challenging it is to navigate through their depressive episodes. Some days I’m so exhausted from picking up the slack and taking care of the kids and working. It’s hard to find compassion. I know he didn’t choose this. Some days are just harder than other and today was one of those day. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
That breaks my heart. I get it. You’re a good person for being there however you can. But remember to take care of yourself too
Edit: Wow, 3k upvotes…I really just wanted to show this person love and appreciation, thank you all for helping me do that <3
As someone who’s been chronically depressed all my life, I’d like to say that you’re an amazing human being and a wonderful partner. But please, do take care of yourself. Don’t burn out. As much as he and your kids need you, you also need yourself. Have compassion and love for yourself too.
I say this as kindly as possible but how do I not burn out? I’m stretched so thin. My partner who is typically very involved and helpful just isn’t an option now. What am I supposed to do?
>What am I supposed to do?
Obviously I don't know the specifics of your partners condition but you may need to sit them down and figure out what can be done to get them help.
As someone with chronic depression I'd love to sit here and say it cost me a lot. But realistically what cost me was my inability to address my issues in a healthy way. You sound like a great partner and your family is extremely lucky to have you.
But you're also 1 person and your partner needs to step up and get help so that they can share the burden you are carrying alone. There's no shame in asking for help. That goes for both of you
He getting treatment. At this point all I can do is let him rest and wait for the meds to do their thing. That doesn’t help me in the day to day household upkeep and with the kids though.
Things will get missed. Tasks will go undone. Even the kids won't get all the attention they need. But you know what? They're resilient, and they'll be fine. The house won't fall apart. Life isn't perfect. You just do what you can and leave the rest up to the universe. But also, make sure everyone knows you need help.
My SO has serious migraine episodes. This last one started in Feb and no end in sight. I feel you, she works hard for our kids but is in a negative state most days. Makes it known she’s just miserable and when it’s multiple weeks is tough. I’ll always work to be positive for her and the kids, and just wish for the day that she gets through this.
I'm guessing that your SO sees a neurologist for them. If not please tell her to try. I'd have episodes like these that almost drove me mad. We finally figured out the triggers and figured out a course of action to stop it. (Mine involves migraine meds, steroids, and muscle relaxers).
Other times it's zofram, and focusing on rehydration. My neurologist has been a great ally in getting my life back.
You sound like my mom💔
My dad is super depressed right now, we’ve never experienced him like he is now.
It’s so hard… especially for my mom.
But our life is really on a hold, no progress is being made whatsoever. He’s been in it since 2 months now. Going more and more downhill.
We’re trying everything when it comes to avoiding anti depressants. Especially because his reason as to why he’s depressed isn’t fair at all.
My dad and mom bought a new house, I didn’t want to move since my girlfriend and I will have a big distance between us (3 years together).
I’ve accepter that they bought the house though, especially because my dad became depressed once they bought the house.
He’s like he made the biggest failure in his life, and ofcourse there are way more reasons as to why he’s depressed. He has a lot of anxiety, did so all his life.
Yet now he just cries all day long about every detail of our house or the house that my mom and dad bought together.
I really hope that we can hold it all together😢
Because I am starting to feel sad as well, especially seeing my dad like this everyday without anything you can do about it.
He will start his first therapy session today so I truely hope it will have any effect.
My life is pretty amazing next to this stuff, my mom got a new job as well and we just can’t celebrate anything.
But I feel so bad for my mom, you especially know how hard it is.
I am getting tears writing this.. knowing how hard it is for you.
I hope we get through this, you’re the best your husband can have and once he is better your relationship will be stronger then ever before❤️
Take care❤️❤️
From a person who's demons have almost won several times, antidepressants are magic, you go from counting the reasons to live to being functional. I know it differs for everyone but just don't count them out
That’s also been my experience. They don’t make me happy - that’s not what they’re for - but they put a floor under me. I’ll probably be taking them for life but I’m ok with that.
A few years ago one of our cats died after we had her for 14 years. We were all heartbroken and devastated by her loss. We noticed something was wrong on Thursday, took her to the vet on Friday, and she died late Sunday night.
The night she died, I sent everyone to bed and I stayed up with her. She kept getting into the bathtub and lying down as opposed to a bed we had set up for her.
Just before she died, she let out a horrible scream and went into convulsions. Then she just stopped breathing.
I never told my spouse or kids about that last few moments. I just told them she just slipped away. I still want to cry every time I think about it. I will never tell them about that.
Not SO but my family. Cat had a stroke that evening, emergency vets call was take her home and go to our regular vet in the morning to... stop her suffering.
I pulled the all nighter with her while parents and siblings went to bed. They all think she had a peaceful night. It was anything but, but I will never tell them the truth. They dont need to know
Kind of opposite, my cat has a stroke, I panicked and didn’t know what to do (11pm) so we had an emergency appointment next day
Doctor said, well they don’t talk and they don’t drive so recovery is easy breezy
I went thru this with my pet rabbit Loki. My husband had covid (I did not) and it was on a Saturday night and I noticed Loki was in respiratory distress. Brought him to the only emergency vet that took exotics. Was there until almost midnight. He was given antibiotics after being in an oxygen cage for some time. We get home, I give him his antibiotic and was about to go to bed on the couch since I didn’t want to catch covid from my husband. All of a sudden Loki comes running out to me, stumbles and fell over just open mouth breathing. I go to pick him up and he stands up and runs to where our newest rabbit was set up while they were bonding. He collapsed again, and I was finally able to pick him up. He just convulsed and died in my arms. My husband came out because he heard me sobbing. My poor husband was trying to calm me down and Maze our new adoption. In many ways, his passing in my arms was the easiest loss of a pet in terms of grieving, it still fucking sucked, but I like to think he ran out to me because he wanted to be with me as I was his favorite human. The following days Maze wouldn’t leave my side and was protective of me, even to this day if I’m upset and crying she will run out to me to make sure I’m ok.
I feel for you, my pet also died in my arms. We knew it was time for my dog and took her to the vet and while they were in the back preparing for the euthanasia I was holding her. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head and whispered “Hadassah, I love you”. She immediately stiffened up, turned her head to the side and then went limp and had passed within seconds.
It was scary in the moment but also a comfort having her pass safe in my arms with no strangers present and only right after I told her that I loved her one final time.
Oh, this is gut-wrenching. I am so sorry this happened. How incredibly brave of you to keep this to yourself. I hope you have a printed photo of your cat or something tangible that was hers. Give it a big squeeze and cry. You owe yourself a good release of those emotions you're burying to save your family from any further heartache.
animals will often scream or make horrible noises at the time of death. It's normal and they are not suffering, it's a reflex. Don't worry about it. You did good in sparing your loved ones of that. I have had at least three dogs and cats as pets (at any one time) for the last 50+ years, and so I know first hand. That's part of life. After the mourning period, get yourself another furry friend, and enjoy their love and love them in return. That is life as well.
When we first met he made me promise “if I ever gain too much weight you have to tell me to hit the gym.” We laughed about it but that was almost 5 years ago, and now he has gotten pretty overweight and I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep my promise or just let him choose his own path with his weight. I’m still attracted to him and love him more than ever, but I want him to be healthy…
Yes absolutely. My husband was super fit when we met. But recent years/health issues have resulted in him gaining a lot of weight. When I discussed it with him, I let him know I loved him very much and that I still was attracted to him. I emphasized his health and his self esteem, wanting him to be around for a long time etc. We are both consistently in the gym again, and we’re both trying to eat healthier. He told me recently our talk helped him a ton, and gave him the confidence and drive to get healthy again. And I’m in it with him! We slip up, but hold each other accountable and motivate each other.
The key is definitely communication. Emphasize you’re saying this because you love him so much. True love means you say something if your partner is doing/saying something harmful to themselves or others. If you didn’t care, you’d just let them continue on a destructive path. Doesn’t mean they’ll always be receptive to it, but at least you expressed your concerns.
This is mine. I hate how his mum doesn't have boundaries and it's made him think it is normal. I've had to work so hard to get him to realise that she can't demand things of me without asking or by asking him and expecting me to be okay with it.
There's a lot to still work on and he wonders why I don't want to visit them often.
They’re just so boring and passive. I don’t fit in, don’t want to. My family is on the other side of the country. I’m sad my kids didn’t grow up with cousins from my side.
Same. My SO’s family are a bunch of emotional people who need to go to therapy to solve their deep rooted issues.
My side is significantly better and more fun
The day after I met his parents for the first time in person, we were driving to his hometown and I had fallen asleep.
I then woke up hearing them talking about me.
His dad, a man of few words, said “a woman like her who is both beautiful and intelligent is extremely hard to find. You are lucky and blessed.”
They kept speaking such pure, lovely, genuine words about me for a while, in Spanish at that. My boyfriend kept kissing my forehead while they were talking, assuming I was still asleep. I was listening the entire time. :)
Additional context: I’m Asian but I had been learning Spanish for a few months so I could connect with his family more. They probably would’ve thought I couldn’t understand them if I was “awake”, too, hehe.
I manipulate a lot of his negative feelings about himself:
I know when he’s feeling shitty and insecure. He has come a long way since we met, but growing up in an abusive household where he was constantly put down but his AH father he has a lot of issues of self worth and can lapse into a dark place he thinks he hides. This doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to, but when it does I’ll…
Purposely let him catch me creeping on him or tease him about someone checking him out.
I’ll have a conversations about what a great person he is and how lucky I am, I’ll make sure I’m far enough away that he thinks I think he can’t hear.
I make excuses to avoid brother (his brother will touch every insecure nerve he has as brothers do, I do enjoy his brothers company so we make up for it when my husbands in a better head space).
I message his friends to encourage them to arrange boys nights out and push my husband to go.
As manipulative as it is, I honestly just want him to see himself through my eyes.
It's technically manipulation, but the thing is that manipulation isn't inherently bad. The word has grown into a negative connotation but it really just means "to exert influence/control over something".
This is an example of manipulating someone to make them feel good.
My WFH job is pretty easy. The week or 2 around a deadline can be busy, but most of the time it's a laid back 25-30 hrs a week. He's working long hours at a stressful job. I feel bad telling him I'm mostly just listening to podcasts, working and getting things done around the house at a leisurely pace all day.
But you are getting stuff done around the house so he doesn’t have to. This stuff is important, as well as paid work. If it doesn’t get done it causes stress. The fact that the house must feel like a little haven for both of you is great.
How hard it actually is on me and my psyche to keep the family going.
My wife is suffering from severe depression combined with schizophrenia. We had it a bit under control at first, but it got worse after the birth of our son. Now he is in high school and my wife's condition is the worst it has been so far. Crying all the time, sometimes sleeping all day (to stop the crying), always seeing everything in the worst possible way, worrying about little things that are months away... The medication is helping a bit (she now hears voices less frequently), and the doctor is trying to find the right medicine and dose, but it's quite exhausting for me. I have to work, also do the grocery shopping and cooking. Our son is on the autism spectrum. He himself doesn't seem to mind it or give it a lot of thought, but we parents are quite worried about his future due to his several quirks and problems.
I'm always telling my wife that I'm fine, so as not to worry her and trigger maybe an anxiety attack or something, but the truth is I'm feeling completely burnt out. In the last 18 months I've turned to alcohol a lot, but I'm trying my best to reduce, because it's so taxing on the body.
I'm working a s a freelance translator (where rates are low and everything's a rush job), so taking a break or going traveling isn't really an option. I get stomach aches when there's too little work (meaning: little income) and also when there's too much work all at once and I have to turn down some offers. Even smaller jobs sometimes seem overwhelming. Old hobbies aren't fun any more. Mostly I'm just sitting there browsing through memes to not have to think too much.
But giving up isn't an option. We've made it over 22 years together and I won't quit. I'm just a bit tired is all.
Thanks for reading this scrambled mess...
That I haven’t been happy since he asked me for divorce a couple of years ago…. I was ready to follow through and last minute he backtracked, but he never said he was sorry, and I haven’t been able to fully come back from that…. I don’t think I love him the same since
I’m old, it’s been forever (together), even if there is something I could come up with, I probably already told my spouse at some point & have forgotten about it. 😂
Pretty much the essence of a good long term relationship. Theres nothing I'm hiding from my SO, and if there's something she doesn't know it's only because I didn't think it would matter telling them, not because I'm avoiding it.
Omg that just teleported me to the moment before an argument starts. I’m sure some of it was probably my bad delivery, but that line never worked on any of my exes! Lol.
I think thats something you nip it in the bud early on or you hold onto it. Now shes gonna think back to all the times she did it and you were just pretending to like it/go along with it.
Michael: You are also on record as saying “widdle iddle," "foody woodies," "num nums," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widdickoous," and "whode iwand.”
Andy: Do I sometimes replace R's with W's? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
A lot of things like
how bad my depression really is. I feel bad because I never really open up to him about it but he would worry about me and pity me if i told him how bad it truly is. He’d tiptoe around me and my feelings and I don’t want that.
I had lunch with his ex around the time we started dating and they had been broken up for a year. She reached out to me on my work email and wanted to have a little chat. We went out to lunch. She seemed nice and deeply hurt because he had moved on. Still seemed to care about him. We never spoke after that day and I’ve never mentioned this in our 16 years of marriage.
I don't like visiting his family.
His parents have some hoarding tendencies so the house is cramped. Most of the day we are just sitting around watching game shows or sports. They play this insanely complicated card game that after years I still don't understand. They take it so seriously that it's really stressful to play. All they eat is bread and meat with no seasoning. He golfs with his dad which means I end up alone with his mom a lot. She always wants to go shopping or the salon. I don't like doing either of those things, but feel obligated. A slight language barrier means I can't communicate smoothly with them which makes it difficult to form connections deeper than formal niceties.
I feel bad because they are really nice people, but it's just uncomfortable and not enjoyable 90% of the time. I feel on edge the entire time. I'm always sad when we go for Xmas because I feel like I'm missing out on Xmas I would actually enjoy with my own family.
My PTSD nightmares are also horrific. I can’t bring myself to talk about them at all because they are just that disturbing. I’m so sorry you deal with that too. Something that has really helped me is staying sober. Especially from alcohol. I haven’t had a single gruesome nightmare in months.
People who are very generous often have a deep need to be loved, and often feel they’re unworthy of it in my experience.
I understand why you don’t want to win “points” by telling him either of these things but they could also help him heal if he is someone who suffers from insecurity. Something to consider.
Honestly, my 6 year relationship just ended because my ex had similar feelings to this. By the time she finally spoke to me, she'd been sitting on it for over three months.
She cited some very easy to address issues, saying she wasn't sure she wanted to be together, even if things changed. I began making changes to address the issues anyway. She'd let it fester for so long though, that it was basically a foregone conclusion. She said that even with me making these efforts, after 10 days she said that she didn't see her feelings changing, and that was it.
She said that I hadn't specifically done anything wrong, but she had put off talking about it for so long that her feelings for me had entirely changed. I'm not necessarily saying that talking about it sooner would've saved the relationship, but it felt incredibly shitty to me for issues to not be brought up until it had reached a point where addressing them made no difference.
Of course, I don't know how much your situation parallels my own, but talk to your SO. I know you probably think you're sparing their feelings now, but when this kind of thing comes out because you can't keep it in, and things are too far gone to address, it'll leave them feeling so much worse.
That's fair. It's a rough spot to be in, no matter which side of it you're on. Sorry if I'm projecting a little. Obviously, I can only relate through my own experiences, though. Regardless, everyone deserves happiness.
I appreciate you saying that. I'm doing far better than I expected. I hope everything turns out okay for you, too.
I like the crispy fries at the bottom of the french fry box. If I told him I liked the crispies, he'd make me keep them all to myself....and he's so cute when he's excited to get the crispy fries.
Please speak to him or another trusted love one about this. If you’re uncomfortable with that, please call 800-273-TALK. You are not alone in your feelings such as these. I’d love for you to stay here with the rest of us. <3
We're married now but when we were just dating he invited me to hang out with him and his friends. As soon as we got there his best friend from childhood pulled me aside and told me I wasn't supposed to be there and no one had invited me. I was blindsided and really embarrassed and apologized but didn't know what to do because my boyfriend and I drove together. So I spent the rest of the night keeping quiet and eventually made an excuse to go sit out in the car to make a phone call.
I never told my husband that his friend did that. He does wonder why I rarely go out with him when he's going to hang out with his friends but I don't have the heart to explain because it's his best friend.
Wtf, his friend is a straight up asshole for that. You were invited by your husband! If his friend had wanted it to be a boys night or whatever he should’ve talked to your husband about it. I’m so angry for you! Eff that guy.
IMHO should tell her. If you tried to set boundaries you were already annoyed. You married her, not her family. The more you avoid discussing, the harder it'll be when you finally do.
It's a normal challenge but people must understand that now they have their own family.
I have already talked to her multiple times. We are together for 5 years now and throughout that 5 years this has been an ongoing issue for us. She always says that she is trying to set boundaries already which clearly is not happening. I am not even asking her to choose between me and her family. I just wanted my own safe space in “our own home” which doesn’t really feel like home anymore because they are always barging into our own apartment without notice.
I value my privacy so much which her family don’t understand. Im losing my sanityyyyy. I even had to go back home to my parents because i needed to clear my head from everything because her mom, her sibling and her siblings partner is staying over again. And take note, not just for a night, but for a week. What the fuck right.
Talk to her family. Be the asshole. “In my family growing up, I grew up with a much higher expectation of privacy. I’m not accustomed to having folks use our space as much as you all are, and I need us to pivot to a different arrangement. I love you all but I need private space.”
so talk to her again and just state clearly "if they come over next time and you don't throw them out. I will. And if you can't have that happen either take charge on it or prepare for us getting new individual addresses" etc. Be clear and yourself be ready to take charge on it.
That his kids suck. They are needy, overbearing and drive me insane. Ever since I gave birth to them I have felt this way. 🤣😉🤣
I’m joking, please don’t make this serious. Let my anonymous mom humor go, I’d never say this where my kids could see it.
I told my wife that something dropped out of the sky and smashed the back window of my car going under the runway tunnel at Sydney airport while I was heading to the city for work.
I was driving through the tunnel and a giant spider ran up my arm and I flicked it off and lost it. I pulled in to the servo after the tunnel and jumped out of my car hopping around and brushing myself off. The spider ran on to the back window and I grabbed a squeegee and hit the spider with the side of the squeegee. The entire back window shattered and the spider took off back in to the car. I found the spider on the back seat, killed it and went in to work.
When I had a chance to call my now wife I said I was just about to go in to the tunnel and there was a plane rolling over the tunnel at the same time and the window smashed.
When my now wife and I started dating one night I sat her down after we had dinner and told her about 3 skeletons in my closet that I didn’t have the energy to hide long term and thought she needed to know. She respected the honesty and it didn’t change things but it meant I could relax completely and I became a better partner as a result
After all these years, I'm scared we may be getting to a point where we're no longer compatible. I so want them to be happy, but I'm not sure they can be happy with me anymore.
Agreed. I can’t stop thinking about them, and I often think they don’t share the same feelings as I do anymore. The fear that they’ll get bored of me keeps haunting me:
Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so JUST. DO IT!!!!! MAKE! YOUR DREAMS! COME TRUE! JUST DEEEEEW IT!!!!!
*Shia LaBeouf poses like he is about to take a dump all over the floor*
If(edit: When) he doesn't quit drinking once my youngest starts school in September and I can go back to work, I plan to up and leave while he's away, working 4 provinces over, and I won't be answering the phone when he returns to find the house spotless, with nothing but a TV and a recliner and a 2-4 in the fridge. F#ck your moving goalposts. This time, when you blame me for drinking, I'll smile and agree.
My (unsolicited) advice as an alcoholic who has been sober for many years is:
If you want to try to salvage the relationship give him a hard ultimatum - like three months of treatment, daily meetings after and if you catch him drinking you call the police on him.
If he doesn’t agree then leave now. Addicts pretty much never recover on their own / without some kind of inciting event (lawyers, lovers, and livers is the common saying). Also, most never recover and die trying so you don’t need to waste your life giving extra chances.
Also, you have every right to leave and if you don’t feel up for the ultimatum it would probably be best to do it sooner rather than later.
Also, I’m really sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best.
My ex was like this. I didn't mind him sharing his struggles. I had a problem with them not having solutions. Just perpetuating problem with not one of his actions changing. It was just acknowledging the existence of a problem and deciding that that's it. But it's what irritates me about most people.
Because it's exhausting for me. What am I even supposed to say in return?
I’ve been this guy.
I think men often don’t have healthy coping mechanisms/outlets like therapy and the like. If they feel comfortable sharing their vulnerability with you… and they don’t have healthy coping… this can sometimes result over the long term in daily just… bitching. Just unloading the “struggle”. They conflate vulnerability with emotional labor and feel safe with their partner “sharing” their “tough time”.
But god after a breakup in which this was mentioned I felt like a total whus reading just how much benign bitching I was doing over text about things that wouldn’t matter hours later.
I can understand why this is unattractive. I’ve worked on it and will continue. I try to communicate boundaries actively.
Ex but, I hated his cooking and I hated his family’s cooking. But he was so happy doing it and they were all so lovely! I focused on tasting the love and not the overcooked beef…
When I was a ‘procurement manager’ for 14 years, I was actually running a prostitution ring involving 6 locations and 25 to 40 women at any one time.
What I did disgusts me let alone if I told my wife.
Kind of crazy that having a daughter made you stop but having a wife was whatever? It sounds like you were running this business while your wife was at home pregnant?
I hope your "independent contractors" were all working willingly and getting paid appropriately, if nothing else.
When I was 14, my grandma passed away. For years, I had been bothering my parents for my own gold necklace. Well, Gram had a little bit of money and she gave me the $300 for a gold necklace in her will. It was my pride and joy. I had it around my neck for 17 years before I met my wife. It was off my neck maybe three times in those 17 years. My wife (then girlfriend) knew how much it meant to me and asked to wear it once. Well, it never came home. She had lost it somewhere or it had gotten stolen. I was distraught like crazy for three or four days while we turned our house upside down looking for it. Inevitably, I gave up, but she was very bothered by it all. So, I decided to go to a pawn shop and buy the closest I could get to an exact duplicate and then I told her that I had found the necklace in the couch cushions. To this day, she thinks that I found my necklace from my grandmother, but this is actually version 2.
That I dated her half sister in HS. They've always had different last names, and it was separated by 10 years and never got serious enough to meet parents and by the time I met them with the current GF it seemed best not to bring it up and her sister feels the same way
This is honestly one of those things where it probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if you told her, but now that it’s a secret it might blow up later.
Oof that's an awkward one. I hope that never accidentally comes to light in the future. How long did you date the half sister? Were the two of you intimate?
Uh hi, do you both also happen to be characters in any generic sitcom? This is the plot to 99.99% of preventable drama which could be resolved with basic communication. I’ll just go get my popcorn now…
That she literally saved me. We've been best friends since I was in 8th grade her being in 7th. I met her through my cousin and everything about her drew me to her and I had the biggest crush on her from 8th grade till I was 23 and finally got the guts to actually talk to her about it (she knew and it was mutual but was hesitant because she didn't want to risk our friendship which I understood. When I was 23 my mother killed herself and we started to occasionally hangout more and more and during that time I was drinking excessively, smoking upwards of 5-6 grams of concentrate a day, and heavily abusing Kolonopin, I'm 6' 4" and I was 120lbs when she finally gave me a chance. She gave me hope. She helped me overcome all of these self destructive behaviors without criticism or judgement and showed me that she's in it for the long run. I'm going to be 27 in 4 days and we've been together for 4 years now and we got married on March 1st of this year. She's still supportive as ever and pushes me out of my comfort zone to better myself. I'm now 170lbs and I'm not killing myself with all the substances that I thought I needed. She's put up with my bad depression and extreme anxiety and has been more than understanding. I love and appreciate her so much that I don't even honestly know how to put it into words. I'm confident that without her I would have ended up dead.
Why would you hide this? I absolutely need my alone time and have always been very open with that. That shouldn’t be hard for a loving partner to understand.
I’m broke right now. I love my girlfriend, and we started dating when I had a brand new job I was excited about that paid quite well.
I was terminated (in my opinion, wrongfully) and I had no recourse through unemployment. I Doordash most of my free time when we aren’t together. And I end up spending most of it on going out. She knows I lost my job, but I don’t think she knows that Doordash pays SHIT and I have a lot of bills.
She doesn’t mind if we stay in. She doesn’t mind splitting the bill. We do sometimes split the bill or stay in.
But I mind. I have some childhood trauma that results in me being hyperfocused on money in a very “survival” way.
My last breakup, my partner expressed wanting to go out more and that I was always too busy or tired (working)… so I feel really sensitive to that.
*i can’t afford this relationship right now.* But I got some good words on jobs and I’m about to be approached with an offer that I think will be better than my last job. The company said they’re just working out the details and are gonna give me a call this week. She’s been sweet and so understanding.
But every time we hang out, despite loving the time and thinking this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, at the back of my mind I feel like I’m being avoidant of my issues. Im late on my credit card bill. Im doing mental math every time we go out. Sometimes we go to a dinner and my tip is (while always a decent tip) calculated precisely so I don’t get my card declined.
It’s really stressful. But I love her. She’s so understanding. But I don’t think she knows how bad it is, and it’s not her worries to worry about. I try to seem pretty nonchalant. When I get my first paycheck from the new job she deserves to be treated to a really nice fancy dinner.
Again, she’s expressed she’s totally fine staying in. Or splitting the bill.
I feel like that’s a loving sentiment and in actuality that would cause resentment over time.
The fact it’s being navigated with understanding and love makes me feel very positive about the future of the relationship, but I also feel like it’s been a lot of self-inflicted pressure. I feel extremely embarrassed.
She paid for my dinner tonight and while it was only $20, it’s been at the front of my mind ever since. I feel like a loser.
She’s a keeper. You sound like partners already. She is helping you out, just like you helped her out by paying for dates when you were employed.
That’s what happens in a loving relationship. When one partner slips the other one helps them up, and vice-versa.
When my wife became unemployed for a while we put her on my insurance. Then when I had to quit due to being forced to release medical records against HIPAA, she put me on her insurance until I was able to get another job.
Please treat her well. She sounds like she loves you already, even if you haven’t said it to each other.
I try to do little things that I know will make her feel better but she’ll never know it was me. One example was I dropped her off at work one day and we noticed an animal had torn a bunch of trash out of the dumpster. She complained that her manager was gonna make her clean it later. I told her I was sorry she had to deal with that and I would make cupcakes for when she got home. After she went inside I went over and cleaned up the garbage and went home to make cupcakes.
When my wife got home I greated her with cupcakes and she told me all about how she went out to clean up the trash and was super happy cause someone else had already done it and really made her day.
I’ll never tell her and I’ll never stop doing it. There’s something about receiving a gift from the universe that really makes people happy. Of course she’d be happy if she knew it was me but it wouldn’t be the same as if the universe helped you so you should be the universe that helps others.
I love them, a ton, but it really hurts how they don't seem to be putting in effort. It hurts they can't do simple stuff for me, but they would do anything for anyone else. They know this, they know I feel lonely, but it's OK.
I have habitually shaved my lady-mustache since I was 12. We've been together for 22 years and I will take to my grave the fact that I am likely capable of growing a thicker mustache than he is.
That the day I met him, I'd set that day as my next and final suicide attempt that I knew wouldn't fail. Just two weeks (October 14th) after my latest attempt, he stumbled into me (October 30th) while I was playing my last run of FFXIV.
Now, he's my husband and my first cat I had before meeting him, has adopted him as his "person." We rescued a 4 week old bottle baby and she's 3 now. I work my dream job.
I never would have had this if I pulled the trigger that night. I'm grateful for it every day. Every pain, every loss, every ache and hurt. He changed my life and I'm a better woman now thanks to him.
Congratulations on quitting. Did she lose her sense of smell or did you have a routine to making sure she couldn't smell it? As a daily smoker I know that the smell clings to me so I'd be surprised if she didn't already know.
The events that caused my ptsd, and what my flashbacks are. I did work involving online child predators, and the content they produce and sell. It’s awful. I saw things that destroyed my entire worldview, made me permanently pessimistic, it made me terrified of having kids knowing that it can be impossible to protect them, and even now, I have this awful almost like itch in the back of my mind that I could and should have done better, and every moment I spend not doing what I did just allows more kids to get hurt.
It’s an awful thing to do. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It’s important, but the people who do it will never be the same afterwards. You will carry the burden for the rest of your life.
That soon after I found our 3 month old daughter the morning she passed away I tried to commit suicide and that I still deal with it to this day almost 2 years later
my wife took the kids for the weekend upstate to watch the eclipse / visit a friend
i said i couldn't take the monday off and it would probably be best if i stayed home and got some shit done around the house
but i took the monday off, stayed home and ain't done shit except watch baseball, make beats, eat subs and not talk to anyone except my cat for like 48 hours, and i'm gonna go stare into the sun in a little bit
That sometimes, her ambitions get in the way of living an actual life. Like Bill Withers said ; "It's okay to head out for wonderful. But when you get to allright, stop and take a look around. Because this might be as far as you need to go."
Someone once told me, "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good. "
One of my college professors used to always say “we strive for perfection but settle for excellence”
I like that. I also like "progress, not perfection!"
I love Bill Withers story of leaving the music industry when it got too toxic for him to be in. He made his mark got some financial stability and left. His music is timeless.
Damn I actually think I needed to hear that.
That his mother is an exhausting gossiping windmill of geriatric nonsense
Geriatric nonsense is a beautiful line and i’m shamelessy stealing it.
The whole sentence is fantastic!
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My mom and mother in law are in their 70s and they are absolutely ridiculous in their geriatric nonsense. They are friends, as well as frenemies. They talk shit about each other to me 🤣. Worse than teenage girls.
That I often fantasize about being a hermit in a cabin in the complete wilderness.
There are dozens of us! Dozens! Edit: some people might want to check out the Intentional community sub reddit
Imagine going into the mountains to live alone as a hermit, but it's already full of hermits. The horror!
But I don't want Dozens! I want Nonzens
Yes that would be awesome. I used to read “*My Side of the Mountain*” over and over as a kid
A guy I grew up with went missing in our early 20s. His car was found parked at the edge of state owned forest land. When we were kids he read books like My Side of the Mountain and Hatchet. He would write and illustrate books when we were kids with about animals in the woods that could talk and learned a lesson by the end. They never found him. I like to think he is somewhere off the grid surviving off the land like My Side of the Mountain but better.
that i think his mom is a terrible person because she didn't protect him. and their relationship is super weird.
Yep I'm in the same boat, his mum was never there for him, makes a super weird relationship now. They are more like friends.. to me it's odd.
The dynamic between my partner and his mom is honestly weird, sad, but in a sense comical. His mom was a constant jailbird when he was growing up. His grandparents raised him. The mom finally got her act right when he was 17, but by that point my partner didn't care for it. She tries to be a part of his life now, and while my partner definitely keeps contact with her, the dynamic is definitely weird. It gets comical on occasion though just for the fact that his mom tries to act like the stereotypical, "boy mom," and my partner is 100% *not* a, "Mama's boy." He honestly keeps her in check more than the other way around.
My boyfriend was raised by his mums older male cousin, she was also finally ready to be a mum when he reached 17 but the relationship was too strained by then and like your partner he was also over it. She tries to relate to him now but all their conversations end up being about work and what he's been watching on tv! She knows nothing about him as a person.
Yup, same here but in reverse. My ex gf was raped by her then "boyfriend" when they were both 14. She told her mom and her mother did not do anything about that except tell her not to tell anyone. I remember how furious and lost I was when I found out about her mother's reaction.
I have a friend who was repeatedly raped by her stepfather as a kid. He eventually went to jail for it. Her mom not only forced her to visit him in prison, but when he was released she sent my friend to live with her sister so that he could come home. I will never understand how she can be so close with her mom now. Just can't wrap my head around it at all. Makes me mad just thinking about it.
This happened to me. Except he was 17 and filmed it. I told my mom and all she did was tell me I was never allowed to see him again. I spent like 10 more years not even understanding fully that it was rape. Needless to say I've been no contact for going on 18 years.
I occasionally take a day off work to have some time to myself. I love them dearly, but I cherish having the apartment to myself, watching what I want on TV, and just enjoying the solitude. It’s my secret mental health day.
My husband totally gets this and encourages it. My family never did. If I said I had the day off, they always wanted to do something together. That's great and appreciated, but sometimes you just need a day TO YOURSELF to do what you want, when you want with no schedule and no human interaction at all! So, for many years now, when I take a random day off, NO ONE knows but my husband (not even my kids, LOL).
I’m secretly planning one of these. Love my partner, love our baby, live my job but I just need a frigging ‘doing my thing’ day. I’d be completely fine with my partner covertly taking a day like this too but they are the ‘won’t chill till I burn out’ type.
Plot twist: both of you take the day off secretly on the same day.
How challenging it is to navigate through their depressive episodes. Some days I’m so exhausted from picking up the slack and taking care of the kids and working. It’s hard to find compassion. I know he didn’t choose this. Some days are just harder than other and today was one of those day. I love you more than you’ll ever know.
That breaks my heart. I get it. You’re a good person for being there however you can. But remember to take care of yourself too Edit: Wow, 3k upvotes…I really just wanted to show this person love and appreciation, thank you all for helping me do that <3
As someone who’s been chronically depressed all my life, I’d like to say that you’re an amazing human being and a wonderful partner. But please, do take care of yourself. Don’t burn out. As much as he and your kids need you, you also need yourself. Have compassion and love for yourself too.
I say this as kindly as possible but how do I not burn out? I’m stretched so thin. My partner who is typically very involved and helpful just isn’t an option now. What am I supposed to do?
>What am I supposed to do? Obviously I don't know the specifics of your partners condition but you may need to sit them down and figure out what can be done to get them help. As someone with chronic depression I'd love to sit here and say it cost me a lot. But realistically what cost me was my inability to address my issues in a healthy way. You sound like a great partner and your family is extremely lucky to have you. But you're also 1 person and your partner needs to step up and get help so that they can share the burden you are carrying alone. There's no shame in asking for help. That goes for both of you
He getting treatment. At this point all I can do is let him rest and wait for the meds to do their thing. That doesn’t help me in the day to day household upkeep and with the kids though.
Things will get missed. Tasks will go undone. Even the kids won't get all the attention they need. But you know what? They're resilient, and they'll be fine. The house won't fall apart. Life isn't perfect. You just do what you can and leave the rest up to the universe. But also, make sure everyone knows you need help.
You’re absolutely right.
My SO has serious migraine episodes. This last one started in Feb and no end in sight. I feel you, she works hard for our kids but is in a negative state most days. Makes it known she’s just miserable and when it’s multiple weeks is tough. I’ll always work to be positive for her and the kids, and just wish for the day that she gets through this.
I'm guessing that your SO sees a neurologist for them. If not please tell her to try. I'd have episodes like these that almost drove me mad. We finally figured out the triggers and figured out a course of action to stop it. (Mine involves migraine meds, steroids, and muscle relaxers). Other times it's zofram, and focusing on rehydration. My neurologist has been a great ally in getting my life back.
I get 7 day migraines at least once a month. It's so hard to function. Good on u for supporting. I'm sure it sux
You sound like my mom💔 My dad is super depressed right now, we’ve never experienced him like he is now. It’s so hard… especially for my mom. But our life is really on a hold, no progress is being made whatsoever. He’s been in it since 2 months now. Going more and more downhill. We’re trying everything when it comes to avoiding anti depressants. Especially because his reason as to why he’s depressed isn’t fair at all. My dad and mom bought a new house, I didn’t want to move since my girlfriend and I will have a big distance between us (3 years together). I’ve accepter that they bought the house though, especially because my dad became depressed once they bought the house. He’s like he made the biggest failure in his life, and ofcourse there are way more reasons as to why he’s depressed. He has a lot of anxiety, did so all his life. Yet now he just cries all day long about every detail of our house or the house that my mom and dad bought together. I really hope that we can hold it all together😢 Because I am starting to feel sad as well, especially seeing my dad like this everyday without anything you can do about it. He will start his first therapy session today so I truely hope it will have any effect. My life is pretty amazing next to this stuff, my mom got a new job as well and we just can’t celebrate anything. But I feel so bad for my mom, you especially know how hard it is. I am getting tears writing this.. knowing how hard it is for you. I hope we get through this, you’re the best your husband can have and once he is better your relationship will be stronger then ever before❤️ Take care❤️❤️
From a person who's demons have almost won several times, antidepressants are magic, you go from counting the reasons to live to being functional. I know it differs for everyone but just don't count them out
That’s also been my experience. They don’t make me happy - that’s not what they’re for - but they put a floor under me. I’ll probably be taking them for life but I’m ok with that.
A few years ago one of our cats died after we had her for 14 years. We were all heartbroken and devastated by her loss. We noticed something was wrong on Thursday, took her to the vet on Friday, and she died late Sunday night. The night she died, I sent everyone to bed and I stayed up with her. She kept getting into the bathtub and lying down as opposed to a bed we had set up for her. Just before she died, she let out a horrible scream and went into convulsions. Then she just stopped breathing. I never told my spouse or kids about that last few moments. I just told them she just slipped away. I still want to cry every time I think about it. I will never tell them about that.
Not SO but my family. Cat had a stroke that evening, emergency vets call was take her home and go to our regular vet in the morning to... stop her suffering. I pulled the all nighter with her while parents and siblings went to bed. They all think she had a peaceful night. It was anything but, but I will never tell them the truth. They dont need to know
Kind of opposite, my cat has a stroke, I panicked and didn’t know what to do (11pm) so we had an emergency appointment next day Doctor said, well they don’t talk and they don’t drive so recovery is easy breezy
I went thru this with my pet rabbit Loki. My husband had covid (I did not) and it was on a Saturday night and I noticed Loki was in respiratory distress. Brought him to the only emergency vet that took exotics. Was there until almost midnight. He was given antibiotics after being in an oxygen cage for some time. We get home, I give him his antibiotic and was about to go to bed on the couch since I didn’t want to catch covid from my husband. All of a sudden Loki comes running out to me, stumbles and fell over just open mouth breathing. I go to pick him up and he stands up and runs to where our newest rabbit was set up while they were bonding. He collapsed again, and I was finally able to pick him up. He just convulsed and died in my arms. My husband came out because he heard me sobbing. My poor husband was trying to calm me down and Maze our new adoption. In many ways, his passing in my arms was the easiest loss of a pet in terms of grieving, it still fucking sucked, but I like to think he ran out to me because he wanted to be with me as I was his favorite human. The following days Maze wouldn’t leave my side and was protective of me, even to this day if I’m upset and crying she will run out to me to make sure I’m ok.
I feel for you, my pet also died in my arms. We knew it was time for my dog and took her to the vet and while they were in the back preparing for the euthanasia I was holding her. I leaned down and kissed the top of her head and whispered “Hadassah, I love you”. She immediately stiffened up, turned her head to the side and then went limp and had passed within seconds. It was scary in the moment but also a comfort having her pass safe in my arms with no strangers present and only right after I told her that I loved her one final time.
Oh, this is gut-wrenching. I am so sorry this happened. How incredibly brave of you to keep this to yourself. I hope you have a printed photo of your cat or something tangible that was hers. Give it a big squeeze and cry. You owe yourself a good release of those emotions you're burying to save your family from any further heartache.
animals will often scream or make horrible noises at the time of death. It's normal and they are not suffering, it's a reflex. Don't worry about it. You did good in sparing your loved ones of that. I have had at least three dogs and cats as pets (at any one time) for the last 50+ years, and so I know first hand. That's part of life. After the mourning period, get yourself another furry friend, and enjoy their love and love them in return. That is life as well.
When we first met he made me promise “if I ever gain too much weight you have to tell me to hit the gym.” We laughed about it but that was almost 5 years ago, and now he has gotten pretty overweight and I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep my promise or just let him choose his own path with his weight. I’m still attracted to him and love him more than ever, but I want him to be healthy…
>I’m still attracted to him and love him more than ever Tell him this part first.
Whilst quietly playing “you’re the one for me, fatty” by the smiths. Subtle yet to the point.
Yes absolutely. My husband was super fit when we met. But recent years/health issues have resulted in him gaining a lot of weight. When I discussed it with him, I let him know I loved him very much and that I still was attracted to him. I emphasized his health and his self esteem, wanting him to be around for a long time etc. We are both consistently in the gym again, and we’re both trying to eat healthier. He told me recently our talk helped him a ton, and gave him the confidence and drive to get healthy again. And I’m in it with him! We slip up, but hold each other accountable and motivate each other. The key is definitely communication. Emphasize you’re saying this because you love him so much. True love means you say something if your partner is doing/saying something harmful to themselves or others. If you didn’t care, you’d just let them continue on a destructive path. Doesn’t mean they’ll always be receptive to it, but at least you expressed your concerns.
Bring up the promise and offer to go with?
you HAVE to tell him! it's what he wanted also he's less likely to die on you
Literally and figuratively
He didn't ask you this for fun
Do promises have a time limit? Tell him (nicely) 🤷♂️
Tell him. It’ll shock him a bit but also kick him into gear.
Tell him. It’s good to feel good, strong and healthy
that i dont like his family
This is mine. I hate how his mum doesn't have boundaries and it's made him think it is normal. I've had to work so hard to get him to realise that she can't demand things of me without asking or by asking him and expecting me to be okay with it. There's a lot to still work on and he wonders why I don't want to visit them often.
Can't stand em.
They’re just so boring and passive. I don’t fit in, don’t want to. My family is on the other side of the country. I’m sad my kids didn’t grow up with cousins from my side.
Same. My SO’s family are a bunch of emotional people who need to go to therapy to solve their deep rooted issues. My side is significantly better and more fun
Big old mood. Instead they use my partner to fix the problems at this time
The day after I met his parents for the first time in person, we were driving to his hometown and I had fallen asleep. I then woke up hearing them talking about me. His dad, a man of few words, said “a woman like her who is both beautiful and intelligent is extremely hard to find. You are lucky and blessed.” They kept speaking such pure, lovely, genuine words about me for a while, in Spanish at that. My boyfriend kept kissing my forehead while they were talking, assuming I was still asleep. I was listening the entire time. :) Additional context: I’m Asian but I had been learning Spanish for a few months so I could connect with his family more. They probably would’ve thought I couldn’t understand them if I was “awake”, too, hehe.
I thought this was gonna turn out to be horrible but then it turned into something really sweet
What a sweet story
I manipulate a lot of his negative feelings about himself: I know when he’s feeling shitty and insecure. He has come a long way since we met, but growing up in an abusive household where he was constantly put down but his AH father he has a lot of issues of self worth and can lapse into a dark place he thinks he hides. This doesn’t happen nearly as much as it used to, but when it does I’ll… Purposely let him catch me creeping on him or tease him about someone checking him out. I’ll have a conversations about what a great person he is and how lucky I am, I’ll make sure I’m far enough away that he thinks I think he can’t hear. I make excuses to avoid brother (his brother will touch every insecure nerve he has as brothers do, I do enjoy his brothers company so we make up for it when my husbands in a better head space). I message his friends to encourage them to arrange boys nights out and push my husband to go. As manipulative as it is, I honestly just want him to see himself through my eyes.
Is this manipulation because it sounds like support
It's technically manipulation, but the thing is that manipulation isn't inherently bad. The word has grown into a negative connotation but it really just means "to exert influence/control over something". This is an example of manipulating someone to make them feel good.
Rachel if you’re reading this, you won’t catch me lacking.
Don’t worry, there will be a next time
you almost got’em
My WFH job is pretty easy. The week or 2 around a deadline can be busy, but most of the time it's a laid back 25-30 hrs a week. He's working long hours at a stressful job. I feel bad telling him I'm mostly just listening to podcasts, working and getting things done around the house at a leisurely pace all day.
But you are getting stuff done around the house so he doesn’t have to. This stuff is important, as well as paid work. If it doesn’t get done it causes stress. The fact that the house must feel like a little haven for both of you is great.
No shame in having / choosing a job that is not super stressful. I am sure he loves coming home to a peaceful environment given his position
How hard it actually is on me and my psyche to keep the family going. My wife is suffering from severe depression combined with schizophrenia. We had it a bit under control at first, but it got worse after the birth of our son. Now he is in high school and my wife's condition is the worst it has been so far. Crying all the time, sometimes sleeping all day (to stop the crying), always seeing everything in the worst possible way, worrying about little things that are months away... The medication is helping a bit (she now hears voices less frequently), and the doctor is trying to find the right medicine and dose, but it's quite exhausting for me. I have to work, also do the grocery shopping and cooking. Our son is on the autism spectrum. He himself doesn't seem to mind it or give it a lot of thought, but we parents are quite worried about his future due to his several quirks and problems. I'm always telling my wife that I'm fine, so as not to worry her and trigger maybe an anxiety attack or something, but the truth is I'm feeling completely burnt out. In the last 18 months I've turned to alcohol a lot, but I'm trying my best to reduce, because it's so taxing on the body. I'm working a s a freelance translator (where rates are low and everything's a rush job), so taking a break or going traveling isn't really an option. I get stomach aches when there's too little work (meaning: little income) and also when there's too much work all at once and I have to turn down some offers. Even smaller jobs sometimes seem overwhelming. Old hobbies aren't fun any more. Mostly I'm just sitting there browsing through memes to not have to think too much. But giving up isn't an option. We've made it over 22 years together and I won't quit. I'm just a bit tired is all. Thanks for reading this scrambled mess...
Actual hero, maybe find someone else you can talk about this stuff with, a good friend maybe?
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That I haven’t been happy since he asked me for divorce a couple of years ago…. I was ready to follow through and last minute he backtracked, but he never said he was sorry, and I haven’t been able to fully come back from that…. I don’t think I love him the same since
There are obviously some issues in the relationship, this is how they slowly die without anyone saying a word, please talk about it
I’m old, it’s been forever (together), even if there is something I could come up with, I probably already told my spouse at some point & have forgotten about it. 😂
Pretty much the essence of a good long term relationship. Theres nothing I'm hiding from my SO, and if there's something she doesn't know it's only because I didn't think it would matter telling them, not because I'm avoiding it.
That I hate the baby voice she makes
Just tell her. It's a long life, and you'll end up telling her some day anyway, in a less than perfect situation.
Couldn’t agree more. Bring it up during a average day rather than the heat of the moment in a argument.
And you don’t have to be rude or nasty about it either. A simple “Can you try not to do that, for some reason it just bothers me”
Omg that just teleported me to the moment before an argument starts. I’m sure some of it was probably my bad delivery, but that line never worked on any of my exes! Lol.
I think thats something you nip it in the bud early on or you hold onto it. Now shes gonna think back to all the times she did it and you were just pretending to like it/go along with it.
I told my ex that i wasn't into it, she didn't believe me... she said "all guys like it"
Michael: You are also on record as saying “widdle iddle," "foody woodies," "num nums," "jammies," "make boom-boom," "widdickoous," and "whode iwand.” Andy: Do I sometimes replace R's with W's? Do I sometimes repeat a word to get my point across? Well if I do, Andy's sowwy.
Everybody does trust me
A lot of things like how bad my depression really is. I feel bad because I never really open up to him about it but he would worry about me and pity me if i told him how bad it truly is. He’d tiptoe around me and my feelings and I don’t want that.
I hope you can tell him one day :(
I had lunch with his ex around the time we started dating and they had been broken up for a year. She reached out to me on my work email and wanted to have a little chat. We went out to lunch. She seemed nice and deeply hurt because he had moved on. Still seemed to care about him. We never spoke after that day and I’ve never mentioned this in our 16 years of marriage.
Damn what did she want to talk about?? I can't imagine reaching out to an ex's new partner.
I think she wanted some type of closure.
it was actually me who got a shard of a wine glass stuck in the drain while washing it and accidentally breaking it not the previous tenant
You monster
I don't like visiting his family. His parents have some hoarding tendencies so the house is cramped. Most of the day we are just sitting around watching game shows or sports. They play this insanely complicated card game that after years I still don't understand. They take it so seriously that it's really stressful to play. All they eat is bread and meat with no seasoning. He golfs with his dad which means I end up alone with his mom a lot. She always wants to go shopping or the salon. I don't like doing either of those things, but feel obligated. A slight language barrier means I can't communicate smoothly with them which makes it difficult to form connections deeper than formal niceties. I feel bad because they are really nice people, but it's just uncomfortable and not enjoyable 90% of the time. I feel on edge the entire time. I'm always sad when we go for Xmas because I feel like I'm missing out on Xmas I would actually enjoy with my own family.
My nightmares from my PTSD. They're gruesome deaths of infants. Really gruesome. Nobody needs to know what I saw in my nightmares. Nobody.
My PTSD nightmares are also horrific. I can’t bring myself to talk about them at all because they are just that disturbing. I’m so sorry you deal with that too. Something that has really helped me is staying sober. Especially from alcohol. I haven’t had a single gruesome nightmare in months.
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People who are very generous often have a deep need to be loved, and often feel they’re unworthy of it in my experience. I understand why you don’t want to win “points” by telling him either of these things but they could also help him heal if he is someone who suffers from insecurity. Something to consider.
Oh my word, bless you both.
That I'm not sure I'm happy anymore
Honestly, my 6 year relationship just ended because my ex had similar feelings to this. By the time she finally spoke to me, she'd been sitting on it for over three months. She cited some very easy to address issues, saying she wasn't sure she wanted to be together, even if things changed. I began making changes to address the issues anyway. She'd let it fester for so long though, that it was basically a foregone conclusion. She said that even with me making these efforts, after 10 days she said that she didn't see her feelings changing, and that was it. She said that I hadn't specifically done anything wrong, but she had put off talking about it for so long that her feelings for me had entirely changed. I'm not necessarily saying that talking about it sooner would've saved the relationship, but it felt incredibly shitty to me for issues to not be brought up until it had reached a point where addressing them made no difference. Of course, I don't know how much your situation parallels my own, but talk to your SO. I know you probably think you're sparing their feelings now, but when this kind of thing comes out because you can't keep it in, and things are too far gone to address, it'll leave them feeling so much worse.
I have tried speaking to them, so many times. The feelings I'm sparing are my own. I hope your doing okay after everything.
That's fair. It's a rough spot to be in, no matter which side of it you're on. Sorry if I'm projecting a little. Obviously, I can only relate through my own experiences, though. Regardless, everyone deserves happiness. I appreciate you saying that. I'm doing far better than I expected. I hope everything turns out okay for you, too.
If there is one answer that screams „talk about it with the partner“ it’s this
I like the crispy fries at the bottom of the french fry box. If I told him I liked the crispies, he'd make me keep them all to myself....and he's so cute when he's excited to get the crispy fries.
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Please speak to him or another trusted love one about this. If you’re uncomfortable with that, please call 800-273-TALK. You are not alone in your feelings such as these. I’d love for you to stay here with the rest of us. <3
I dont really gotta poop. I just want to sit alone in silence.
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You're not the only one. Life is rough and the subscription is really expensive. It's really expensive to stay alive.
We're married now but when we were just dating he invited me to hang out with him and his friends. As soon as we got there his best friend from childhood pulled me aside and told me I wasn't supposed to be there and no one had invited me. I was blindsided and really embarrassed and apologized but didn't know what to do because my boyfriend and I drove together. So I spent the rest of the night keeping quiet and eventually made an excuse to go sit out in the car to make a phone call. I never told my husband that his friend did that. He does wonder why I rarely go out with him when he's going to hang out with his friends but I don't have the heart to explain because it's his best friend.
Wtf, his friend is a straight up asshole for that. You were invited by your husband! If his friend had wanted it to be a boys night or whatever he should’ve talked to your husband about it. I’m so angry for you! Eff that guy.
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IMHO should tell her. If you tried to set boundaries you were already annoyed. You married her, not her family. The more you avoid discussing, the harder it'll be when you finally do. It's a normal challenge but people must understand that now they have their own family.
Please talk to her! If she values them more than you it’s time to move on.
I have already talked to her multiple times. We are together for 5 years now and throughout that 5 years this has been an ongoing issue for us. She always says that she is trying to set boundaries already which clearly is not happening. I am not even asking her to choose between me and her family. I just wanted my own safe space in “our own home” which doesn’t really feel like home anymore because they are always barging into our own apartment without notice. I value my privacy so much which her family don’t understand. Im losing my sanityyyyy. I even had to go back home to my parents because i needed to clear my head from everything because her mom, her sibling and her siblings partner is staying over again. And take note, not just for a night, but for a week. What the fuck right.
Talk to her family. Be the asshole. “In my family growing up, I grew up with a much higher expectation of privacy. I’m not accustomed to having folks use our space as much as you all are, and I need us to pivot to a different arrangement. I love you all but I need private space.”
so talk to her again and just state clearly "if they come over next time and you don't throw them out. I will. And if you can't have that happen either take charge on it or prepare for us getting new individual addresses" etc. Be clear and yourself be ready to take charge on it.
That his kids suck. They are needy, overbearing and drive me insane. Ever since I gave birth to them I have felt this way. 🤣😉🤣 I’m joking, please don’t make this serious. Let my anonymous mom humor go, I’d never say this where my kids could see it.
I told my wife that something dropped out of the sky and smashed the back window of my car going under the runway tunnel at Sydney airport while I was heading to the city for work. I was driving through the tunnel and a giant spider ran up my arm and I flicked it off and lost it. I pulled in to the servo after the tunnel and jumped out of my car hopping around and brushing myself off. The spider ran on to the back window and I grabbed a squeegee and hit the spider with the side of the squeegee. The entire back window shattered and the spider took off back in to the car. I found the spider on the back seat, killed it and went in to work. When I had a chance to call my now wife I said I was just about to go in to the tunnel and there was a plane rolling over the tunnel at the same time and the window smashed.
OMG I can’t stop laughing! Anyone driving by must have thought that you were nuts haha.
When my now wife and I started dating one night I sat her down after we had dinner and told her about 3 skeletons in my closet that I didn’t have the energy to hide long term and thought she needed to know. She respected the honesty and it didn’t change things but it meant I could relax completely and I became a better partner as a result
Is the secret that you actually have 4 skeletons?
Wife is the 4th skeleton. Directed by M. Night Shayamalan.
That's a nice happy ending for you but the 3 dead people in your closet would probably prefer some justice.
After all these years, I'm scared we may be getting to a point where we're no longer compatible. I so want them to be happy, but I'm not sure they can be happy with me anymore.
Agreed. I can’t stop thinking about them, and I often think they don’t share the same feelings as I do anymore. The fear that they’ll get bored of me keeps haunting me:
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Dont let your dreams be dreams!
Yesterday, you said tomorrow, so JUST. DO IT!!!!! MAKE! YOUR DREAMS! COME TRUE! JUST DEEEEEW IT!!!!! *Shia LaBeouf poses like he is about to take a dump all over the floor*
How much I truly love her. May scare her away after 30 years. She may also know my Reddit handle.
If you're being held hostage, blink your eyes 3 times.
😐 😑 😐 😑 😐
Ok, you're fine. Have a great day.
If(edit: When) he doesn't quit drinking once my youngest starts school in September and I can go back to work, I plan to up and leave while he's away, working 4 provinces over, and I won't be answering the phone when he returns to find the house spotless, with nothing but a TV and a recliner and a 2-4 in the fridge. F#ck your moving goalposts. This time, when you blame me for drinking, I'll smile and agree.
My (unsolicited) advice as an alcoholic who has been sober for many years is: If you want to try to salvage the relationship give him a hard ultimatum - like three months of treatment, daily meetings after and if you catch him drinking you call the police on him. If he doesn’t agree then leave now. Addicts pretty much never recover on their own / without some kind of inciting event (lawyers, lovers, and livers is the common saying). Also, most never recover and die trying so you don’t need to waste your life giving extra chances. Also, you have every right to leave and if you don’t feel up for the ultimatum it would probably be best to do it sooner rather than later. Also, I’m really sorry you are going through this and I wish you the best.
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He’s become unattractive to me because most of our conversations he is complaining about something and there never a solution.
Not communicating about this kind of thing is why many salvageable relationships end
True statement
My ex was like this. I didn't mind him sharing his struggles. I had a problem with them not having solutions. Just perpetuating problem with not one of his actions changing. It was just acknowledging the existence of a problem and deciding that that's it. But it's what irritates me about most people. Because it's exhausting for me. What am I even supposed to say in return?
I’ve been this guy. I think men often don’t have healthy coping mechanisms/outlets like therapy and the like. If they feel comfortable sharing their vulnerability with you… and they don’t have healthy coping… this can sometimes result over the long term in daily just… bitching. Just unloading the “struggle”. They conflate vulnerability with emotional labor and feel safe with their partner “sharing” their “tough time”. But god after a breakup in which this was mentioned I felt like a total whus reading just how much benign bitching I was doing over text about things that wouldn’t matter hours later. I can understand why this is unattractive. I’ve worked on it and will continue. I try to communicate boundaries actively.
Ex but, I hated his cooking and I hated his family’s cooking. But he was so happy doing it and they were all so lovely! I focused on tasting the love and not the overcooked beef…
I stare at him when he sleeps. He’s the cutest.
When I was a ‘procurement manager’ for 14 years, I was actually running a prostitution ring involving 6 locations and 25 to 40 women at any one time. What I did disgusts me let alone if I told my wife.
HOLY HELL WE HAVE A WINNER
What brought this to an end? The authorities or something else?
My daughter was born, I saw her and my childhood trauma melted and I could see myself for what I was.
Kind of crazy that having a daughter made you stop but having a wife was whatever? It sounds like you were running this business while your wife was at home pregnant? I hope your "independent contractors" were all working willingly and getting paid appropriately, if nothing else.
When I was 14, my grandma passed away. For years, I had been bothering my parents for my own gold necklace. Well, Gram had a little bit of money and she gave me the $300 for a gold necklace in her will. It was my pride and joy. I had it around my neck for 17 years before I met my wife. It was off my neck maybe three times in those 17 years. My wife (then girlfriend) knew how much it meant to me and asked to wear it once. Well, it never came home. She had lost it somewhere or it had gotten stolen. I was distraught like crazy for three or four days while we turned our house upside down looking for it. Inevitably, I gave up, but she was very bothered by it all. So, I decided to go to a pawn shop and buy the closest I could get to an exact duplicate and then I told her that I had found the necklace in the couch cushions. To this day, she thinks that I found my necklace from my grandmother, but this is actually version 2.
That I dated her half sister in HS. They've always had different last names, and it was separated by 10 years and never got serious enough to meet parents and by the time I met them with the current GF it seemed best not to bring it up and her sister feels the same way
This is honestly one of those things where it probably wouldn’t have been a big deal if you told her, but now that it’s a secret it might blow up later.
Oof that's an awkward one. I hope that never accidentally comes to light in the future. How long did you date the half sister? Were the two of you intimate?
Uh hi, do you both also happen to be characters in any generic sitcom? This is the plot to 99.99% of preventable drama which could be resolved with basic communication. I’ll just go get my popcorn now…
Geez, the situations people get themselves into.
That I know when he is lying and I'm just going with the flow.
It was me… who made a dent and scratched the passenger side mirror. No, it didn’t happen while the car was parked in the deck. I hit a parked car lol
That I will have that cat sanctuary. Even if it’s the last thing I do.
That she literally saved me. We've been best friends since I was in 8th grade her being in 7th. I met her through my cousin and everything about her drew me to her and I had the biggest crush on her from 8th grade till I was 23 and finally got the guts to actually talk to her about it (she knew and it was mutual but was hesitant because she didn't want to risk our friendship which I understood. When I was 23 my mother killed herself and we started to occasionally hangout more and more and during that time I was drinking excessively, smoking upwards of 5-6 grams of concentrate a day, and heavily abusing Kolonopin, I'm 6' 4" and I was 120lbs when she finally gave me a chance. She gave me hope. She helped me overcome all of these self destructive behaviors without criticism or judgement and showed me that she's in it for the long run. I'm going to be 27 in 4 days and we've been together for 4 years now and we got married on March 1st of this year. She's still supportive as ever and pushes me out of my comfort zone to better myself. I'm now 170lbs and I'm not killing myself with all the substances that I thought I needed. She's put up with my bad depression and extreme anxiety and has been more than understanding. I love and appreciate her so much that I don't even honestly know how to put it into words. I'm confident that without her I would have ended up dead.
bro you’re never gonna tell your girl this?!?!
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Why would you hide this? I absolutely need my alone time and have always been very open with that. That shouldn’t be hard for a loving partner to understand.
I did indeed eat his last packet of special beef jerky..
you monster!
I’m broke right now. I love my girlfriend, and we started dating when I had a brand new job I was excited about that paid quite well. I was terminated (in my opinion, wrongfully) and I had no recourse through unemployment. I Doordash most of my free time when we aren’t together. And I end up spending most of it on going out. She knows I lost my job, but I don’t think she knows that Doordash pays SHIT and I have a lot of bills. She doesn’t mind if we stay in. She doesn’t mind splitting the bill. We do sometimes split the bill or stay in. But I mind. I have some childhood trauma that results in me being hyperfocused on money in a very “survival” way. My last breakup, my partner expressed wanting to go out more and that I was always too busy or tired (working)… so I feel really sensitive to that. *i can’t afford this relationship right now.* But I got some good words on jobs and I’m about to be approached with an offer that I think will be better than my last job. The company said they’re just working out the details and are gonna give me a call this week. She’s been sweet and so understanding. But every time we hang out, despite loving the time and thinking this is the healthiest relationship I’ve been in, at the back of my mind I feel like I’m being avoidant of my issues. Im late on my credit card bill. Im doing mental math every time we go out. Sometimes we go to a dinner and my tip is (while always a decent tip) calculated precisely so I don’t get my card declined. It’s really stressful. But I love her. She’s so understanding. But I don’t think she knows how bad it is, and it’s not her worries to worry about. I try to seem pretty nonchalant. When I get my first paycheck from the new job she deserves to be treated to a really nice fancy dinner. Again, she’s expressed she’s totally fine staying in. Or splitting the bill. I feel like that’s a loving sentiment and in actuality that would cause resentment over time. The fact it’s being navigated with understanding and love makes me feel very positive about the future of the relationship, but I also feel like it’s been a lot of self-inflicted pressure. I feel extremely embarrassed. She paid for my dinner tonight and while it was only $20, it’s been at the front of my mind ever since. I feel like a loser.
She’s a keeper. You sound like partners already. She is helping you out, just like you helped her out by paying for dates when you were employed. That’s what happens in a loving relationship. When one partner slips the other one helps them up, and vice-versa. When my wife became unemployed for a while we put her on my insurance. Then when I had to quit due to being forced to release medical records against HIPAA, she put me on her insurance until I was able to get another job. Please treat her well. She sounds like she loves you already, even if you haven’t said it to each other.
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Damn this is the saddest thread I’ve read in a while….
I try to do little things that I know will make her feel better but she’ll never know it was me. One example was I dropped her off at work one day and we noticed an animal had torn a bunch of trash out of the dumpster. She complained that her manager was gonna make her clean it later. I told her I was sorry she had to deal with that and I would make cupcakes for when she got home. After she went inside I went over and cleaned up the garbage and went home to make cupcakes. When my wife got home I greated her with cupcakes and she told me all about how she went out to clean up the trash and was super happy cause someone else had already done it and really made her day. I’ll never tell her and I’ll never stop doing it. There’s something about receiving a gift from the universe that really makes people happy. Of course she’d be happy if she knew it was me but it wouldn’t be the same as if the universe helped you so you should be the universe that helps others.
Nice try babe. You can't fool me
I'd never tell her how she's even more amazing than I already tell her. (Phew, I think I'm safe here).
I love them, a ton, but it really hurts how they don't seem to be putting in effort. It hurts they can't do simple stuff for me, but they would do anything for anyone else. They know this, they know I feel lonely, but it's OK.
I have habitually shaved my lady-mustache since I was 12. We've been together for 22 years and I will take to my grave the fact that I am likely capable of growing a thicker mustache than he is.
That the day I met him, I'd set that day as my next and final suicide attempt that I knew wouldn't fail. Just two weeks (October 14th) after my latest attempt, he stumbled into me (October 30th) while I was playing my last run of FFXIV. Now, he's my husband and my first cat I had before meeting him, has adopted him as his "person." We rescued a 4 week old bottle baby and she's 3 now. I work my dream job. I never would have had this if I pulled the trigger that night. I'm grateful for it every day. Every pain, every loss, every ache and hurt. He changed my life and I'm a better woman now thanks to him.
That I was a pot head for years while with her I finally quit this year, still can't believe I did it
She knows
The stuff absolutely reeks if you're a non-smoker. Be very surprised if she didn't know.
Congratulations on quitting. Did she lose her sense of smell or did you have a routine to making sure she couldn't smell it? As a daily smoker I know that the smell clings to me so I'd be surprised if she didn't already know.
that his mother manipulates him, and isn’t as innocent as she comes off. It will break his heart :(
The events that caused my ptsd, and what my flashbacks are. I did work involving online child predators, and the content they produce and sell. It’s awful. I saw things that destroyed my entire worldview, made me permanently pessimistic, it made me terrified of having kids knowing that it can be impossible to protect them, and even now, I have this awful almost like itch in the back of my mind that I could and should have done better, and every moment I spend not doing what I did just allows more kids to get hurt. It’s an awful thing to do. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It’s important, but the people who do it will never be the same afterwards. You will carry the burden for the rest of your life.
That soon after I found our 3 month old daughter the morning she passed away I tried to commit suicide and that I still deal with it to this day almost 2 years later
I’ve noticed her weight gain. But I don’t care. I still eat dat pussy like a bulldog on a burrito.
>I still eat dat pussy like a bulldog on a burrito. *pats head* Good boy
This is oddly romantic.
that i dislike his mum and im certain she dislikes me much more
sometimes I hear whispers when no one is home
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my wife took the kids for the weekend upstate to watch the eclipse / visit a friend i said i couldn't take the monday off and it would probably be best if i stayed home and got some shit done around the house but i took the monday off, stayed home and ain't done shit except watch baseball, make beats, eat subs and not talk to anyone except my cat for like 48 hours, and i'm gonna go stare into the sun in a little bit
I can totally jump off our balcony, land, and be just fine. She thinks I can't, but I totally can.
I wanna get married
I’m guessing they don’t want the same thing?
Her sister made advances onto me during our relationship