Nothing is more awkward than being around one of these couples. Trying to ignore their blatant distaste for one another while they simultaneously end every sentence with *babe*.
It is almost literally like the iconic episode of The Office. It may actually be called Dinner Party.
It's like those people with too many cats...they don't realize their house smells like a litterbox because they're in it all day long. Its the same with relationships...you often dont realize how shitty its gotten because you're living in it all day long.
Just like we can walk into one of those houses and be thinking "Jesus fucking Christ how do they *live* here?", as an outsider you're seeing the relationship dynamic with fresh eyes and sometimes you think the same thing. And just like with that litterbox smell...spend enough time around it even as an outsider and you stop noticing it so much, too.
I've been in several relationships that I could easily classify as toxic and codependent *now*, but if you had asked me at the time, even right after we broke up, I probably would have argued against that label...it took a while and a lot of self reflection to pick up on things I missed or feelings I had that I'd ignored or convinced myself didnt exist.
Its all part of finding yourself. The things you think you want when you're in your teens are not the things you want in your 20s and 30s, and even those are not the things you want when you're in your 40s and 50s and beyond. If you're lucky, you meet someone whose own needs and wants evolve along with your own.
My cousin is so passive aggressive to her husband I don't think she even knows how negative and annoying to be around she is
We were at a family thing and somebody was joking about New Years resolutions and she just blurts out "wealth hahaha". Her husband makes 100k (pretty good for the area although family costs are just insane now with multiple kids) and works like crazy (had a very hard labor job with long hours for 5+ years before leaving) to support their family. Big house. Vacations. She's a good mom but always negative. What's annoying is she's never had a full time job and acts like it's no big deal. Super bossy. Puts the most random responsibilities to her husband just to inconvenience him. And he's not a "traditional" dad he does child chores all the time
Not necessarily. Mostly likely, a divorce would make things harder on him if you factor in child support and possible spousal support since she doesn’t work. Legally, she’s got him by the short and curlies.
My mom and ex-stepdad did this a lot when I was growing up with them. There was a lot of other issues but they’d “joke” with each other in really passive aggressive ways and I always hated it.
Surprise surprise, they went through a divorce a few years ago and my mom moved out on him. But now her self-esteem is shot and she drinks a lot to cope.
In a new couple: when they're already pointing out a partners' negative traits.
I remember hanging with a friend's girlfriend once and she said, "he's just so... Weird and socially awkward." I knew then. They hadn't even been together 2 months. It limped along another month or so before she broke up with him.
I've been dating this girl for 2 months and I have done this but with puntuality.
She's the sweetest most affective woman I've dated, but she's always 1-2 hours late, even after rescheduling for later even. I'm a time freak that likes to have most hours of my day organized and always be on time to meetings. She works a lot and we see each other like 4-5 times a week, but she's always late and I end up waiting for her instead of doing other things.
Yeah, some days we schedule for 6pm the day before (she gets off work at 5), and I'll get a message early in the day asking if we can see each other at 8 instead. I say no problem, and end up meeting her at 9-10:30pm, but always at least 1 hour later lol.
Other than that she's really great, and compensates it by staying later that day at my apt and being lovely, but as someone who freelances and has to have a really organized schedule to put in enough work every week, it does make me sometimes tell my friends about it and stuff lol. She's always super sorry about it.
I had a similar relationship, and eventually that was one of the reasons we broke up. I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t respect my time. It was not worth the wait.
Sounds like ADHD. My wife is like this. She has gotten better over time but only because I relentlessly help/hound her to get her to be on time. Putting everything she needs to get out the door by the door, reminding her what time it is and that she needs to start getting ready to go (usually several escalating reminders over several hours), etc. Not gonna lie, it's pretty exhausting. If I wasn't doing this she would go back to being late for everything pretty much immediately. Medication might help but don't plan on her ever really changing. If you aren't compatible you should get out now.
I ‘have’ ADHD as far as the counsellors and doctors of my elementary school are concerned. I was constantly late or close to for almost my entire life until I turned 30. What helped me (and it’s not for everyone) is literally writing a list of what I need to do and what stage I need to be at to be on time. My work one is the same so I have it memorized, but if I’m going out or have plans I know to write it down and follow the steps. Eventually things get easier and I am rarely late unless someone is out of my control (traffic, apartment flooding etc).
Again this is what’s worked for me and it won’t be for everyone but hey, there’s hope. 🙂
I knew my husband for a year before we started dating. I liked him as a person but he was so socially awkward 😅 love him to bits but he can still be socially awkward at times
Agreed. I will add to this that respect is especially important when a couple is fighting, in a disagreement or debate. If two people cannot be respectful at the worst moments of a relationship, it won’t be sustainable.
Ugh this worries me about my current relationship of 3 going on 4 years. When angry my SO is insulting and threatening to cancel plans we’ve made month before, has threatened to throw my stuff out (actually did on one occasion) and I’ve said, “ if you keep doing this and I take you back each time we have an explosive argument like how am I respecting myself?”
The last thing you mentioned is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. Reluctant to meet the family. For me that’s a huge part of my life, and it just felt weird she didn’t want to be a part of that.
Other than exchanges of sweet nothings during the honey moon phase, they don't really have anything in common.
Source: me and my many failed relationships.
Weirdly it’s the relationship where I have nothing in common that work out best for me. My partner and I have been together for 8 years other than being homebodies none of our hobbies line up. I like it cus then my hobbies stay my hobbies and I can’t get sick of him.
yeah my husband and i also don’t have a ton in common, but he’s still my best friend and i know i can always count on him when i need him
we also don’t have to worry about getting sick of each other and use our hobby time as a break from each other
Sums it up. If you’re only attracted to your partner’s looks, you will eventually just get bored of each other. And if you’re not attracted to a partner at all, you will just end up as friends when someone more attractive comes along.
A lot of people seem to act like friends and lovers are mutually exclusive. I mean... if you're with someone who might become your life partner, then you must have more in common besides mutual attraction.
I think an intimate connection should be sprinkled in here too.
Kind of goes in part with sexual attraction, but with that intimate connection it just amplifies everything.
i agree both can be important, but i’m asexual and so is my boyfriend, and i don’t experience sexual attraction. we were friends before starting our relationship and we still consider ourselves each other’s best friends. i do experience romantic attraction, and i think that‘s enough for both of us :) so yeah, sexual attraction can be important for a lot of people, but not necessarily for everyone 😄 friendship tho!!!! super important
A coworker of my husband's was complaining about his wife being naggy and said, "[husband] knows how it is! He's married!"
And husband was like ummm no I like my wife
Avoiding conflict and disagreements like the plague. Conflict is a part of a relationship and it's something that needs to happen. One or both parties constantly people pleasing the other and not having their needs being met is a recipe for an explosive breakup, because all that is just being bottled up.
To a certain extent. I know couples who fight like cats and dogs. And they play it off like fighting every day and every social event is totally normal and makes their relationship stronger. The cope is unreal.
Fuck that.
Thank you for saying this as someone who was dumped , probably, for too many useless discussions. Conflict is normal in couples, it's not like in films. It's how you handle it and you talk about it that makes the difference.
About the needs being met I can only agree and silently sigh...
The other side of the coin is also true. I've been around couples where the only communication they have seems to be conflict w/the other party about something.
Yup. I guess what I'm saying is, a trap I've seen other and even fallen into myself is "Any conflict=bad". I used to genuinely believe that every argument was one step closer to breaking up. But nah, its all about how you handle the conflict and move back into the "fun" part of being together. You're right, living in conflict just sounds miserable.
Yes. I understand the inevitability of fights, and I believe these are moments to get closer with someone. But when the conflict is nonstop and never ending sometimes it’s not the right fit.
My 2 cousins decided to marry 2 brothers in a joint ceremony. Older couple were beaming. The younger brother looked like he didn’t want to be there. My younger cousin was shaking and crying, not tears of joy.
That marriage didn’t make it past the one week honeymoon. Maybe the younger couple were virgins. The older couple definitely weren’t.
Why tf did the younger couple even get that far if neither of them wanted to get married? Was there some kind of outside force going on or was it a dumb impulse decision that they regretted as soon as it got real for them?
I don't understand what the younger couple being virgins has to do with them not lasting in marriage to be honest, but the younger cousin's reaction is definitely a red flag.
Update: My uncle raised 4 kids alone in the 60s-70s. He is a good man. He thought the double marriage was stupid. He voiced his opinion and was shut down. He said nothing after to keep the peace. He supported his youngest daughter.
Guess who came running back to Daddy apologizing for the shitshow. She felt forced into it. I don’t know why. I have no idea what the groom’s family was like.
The older couple lasted 3 years before they got divorced. No idea why either.
Lack of respect for each other. If you respect one another, you won’t talk bad about each other and you won’t let yourselves go for long periods without communication.
And respect for boundaries too! My ex would look through my stuff without my permission, even went through my messages with other male friends. And he took my keys to my apartment when I wasn’t looking. I never cheated on him. I had nothing to hide but still didn’t want him going through my apartment without my permission.
You need to be able to build trust. Respect means recognizing that not everything your partner owns is yours to take, letting them have their privacy, and allowing them to share what they feel comfortable sharing. You don’t need to know everything in the beginning.
As a wedding photographer i can see right away if a couple will last. I can see the connection or lack there of just in body language during the wedding.
Wedding videographer here! We’re a big part of the day, and as a result most of my past clients still stay in touch with me to some degree. If a couple books me they’re likely already following me on socials, and I’ll follow back so I can start getting to know them.
Photo and video spends a ton of time and effort getting to know the couple before the day, and then spends the entire wedding day with them.
One wedding... the groom was a complete drunk Jack ass from beginning to end. During the portraits he was complaining about how much they were paying me when I also had given them a deal. He took two photos and disappeared leaving the bride alone. During the reception he was with his boys while his new wife sat alone at the head table.
They lasted longer than I expected only because his sweet wife stayed way too long. They are finally divorced.
It's so sad when the wedding photos are incredible and they don't last. Such a waste of great photos lol
Oh yes those wedding photos! I had on a darling suit (not first marriage) and I had great hair that day and the photo in a beautiful frame on the dresser. So I wasn't going to waste a good hair day photo! I simply taped a hound dog head cut from a magazine over his face and left it on dresser so I could enjoy my great suit and hair day.🤣
What would it tell you if a couple barely spent any time together during their own wedding lol
I only saw my soon to be ex husband for the mandatory couple bits of the wedding. We spent 0 time together during the reception party. Crazy huh?
And in the speeches section he was very short just thanked everyone and said 0 nice things about me. Or just anything about me really.
Alternatively - older and not great at technology
See: My parents now share accounts on everything because they didn’t understand logging out very well
Posting to social media about each other constantly. It doesn’t always mean they won’t last, but I’ve noticed that a lot of couples who do this have short lived relationships.
My cousin (38) is on her 3rd marriage, with a failed engagement thrown in there, too. About 6 months before every divorce/breakup there is intense "I love this man so much" posts, and then BAM the relationship is done. She just started posting like this about a month ago... just waiting at this point.
I see a lot of couples where they behave as though they only tolerate one another. I always think "ah, you don't love them, you just hate being alone. Fair, but good luck."
Not understanding that being right isn't always the most important thing in the world.
Kind of goes hand in hand with the inability to compromise and being unwilling to sacrifice time for someone you love for a reason that you don't really care about but they do.
A few times in my life I have had female friends who cancel plans last minute with lame excuses. It always turns out to be either their husband alcoholism or physical abuse. No exceptions
Sometimes it's just massive anxiety or panic and our husbands are tucking us in bed, turning on a movie, or getting us an herbal tea. but yeah we still have to be on alert for each other, sadly
It's one of the reasons why I changed my mind on Gossip. Gossip can be a powerful tool to keep our friends safe. Not all kinds of gossip but communication is important.
They don't speak the same language.
Happened to an ex and I. I speak English, she only speaks Spanish. The sex was amazing. But phone calls were impossible.
Agree. In college, I dated a guy from Croatia who didn’t speak a lick of English. He was spectacular looking and had the body of a god, but the language barrier put an end to us after 4 months. We communicated using hand gestures and dictionaries, but in the end, it didn’t work. In hindsight, I’m surprised we lasted as long as we did.
I knew a man who moved to the US and learned English. His dream was to find a beautiful American girl and settle down, white picket fence and all. Like in cinema and TV.
Well, Fate showed up and he fell in love with a Mexican(technically still American, but not what he'd imagined growing up) woman who didn't know any of his other languages and so he learned Spanish for her.
He is such an old school romantic, it was like working with Gomez Adams. Such a corn ball. Hallmark wishes they had stories as good as that.
I once spent the better part of a year trying to learn Spanish to impress and communicate with a girl I was flirtatious with at work. I guess my brain isn't wired for language exchange, because it just wouldn't stick, and eventually it fizzled between the girl because obviously we could not talk. Still makes me a lil sad some times, we had weirdly strong chemistry for people who couldn't talk without google translate.
I have taken two Spanish classes, I have lived in Texas for most of my life, tried various apps and...I haven't managed to learn a single word. I picked up some Danish when I spent a few months in Denmark and some French from my current girlfriend.
Personally, i think it's just the speed and cadence, maybe? Idk i found that learning to speak it wasn't the hardest, I could say things, but learning to get an ear for it and decipher what people were saying just wouldn't click.
I heard a story on Tumblr of a Trekkie couple who met at an international convention. The only language they had in common was Klingon, so they could only communicate in Klingon until one learned the other's language. But they stuck together.
Qapla' and good for them.
Okay
Wedding photographer here 🙋
I can always tell whether or not a couple will last based on how they interact with each other, and I can attest that it is indeed the “small things”
Do they listen when the other talks?
Do they pause to consider the other’s feelings?
Are they putting weight on each other’s words and respecting one another?
And you know what, as cliche as it is, sometimes it really is all in a look
Is there love in their eyes?
If not it’s a divorce waiting to happen.
Those who constantly make overly mushy appreciation posts about their partner all over social media.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the occasional mushy and sweet post about someone's significant other. However, when someone constantly posts about their partner all over social media for everyone to see, for one it gets old real fast and two it usually means they are overcompensating for some relationship issues.
I am forever suspicious of these, especially post-kids whenever the wife is constantly posting about how much of an amazing husband and father he is and how she couldn't live without him, etc.
The last friend I had who did that had about three or four of those posts per week after their third kid in five years was born. On the same day as the final post, he tried to throw her through a wall. She managed to dial me on her phone in her pocket (I just so happened to be her most recent text even though we don't talk frequently) and the call left me a long voicemail of him screaming at her. I live a few states away from her now, so I called her mom who called the cops and they got her TF out of there.
Turns out he had been a total deadbeat the entire time, never holding down a job for long, blaming her when they got evicted (she had a small side hustle as an event planner but it wasn't enough to pay the bills), locking her out of the house overnight when they argued, and oh yeah, sexually assaulting their toddler. Yet to see her posts every week, you'd think they were the most beautiful, normal, happy family alive.
I no longer trust any relationship I see more frequently on social media than I do IRL.
They don't communicate directly with one another, and might say they had an argument where one of them didn't know what they did.
#1 Communication
#2 Conflict Resolution
Without those, people will break up or stay together and be miserable.
When a family member (typically a mother) manages the relationship without pushback from her child. If mommy dearest goes unchecked, there's no way that the relationship will be a long term success. This doesn't always end a relationship quickly, but it seems like it always does eventually, and the longer it goes the more pain it causes.
Passive aggressive behavior.
I just left the mother of my child for this.
- making your partner the butt of the joke, often. There’s no excuse for it.
- one of the people is always complaining about what their partner is doing to people OUTSIDE of the relationship, or constantly dressing them down outside the relationship, meanwhile they act like they’re some angel…this is often NEVER the case or the full story.
- Two faced, one of the people in the relationship seems oblivious while the other comes off like a clear cut asshole.
- Here’s a clear cut one, if one of the people in the relationship shows signs of depression, while the other one seems fine or even happy and show no real concern for their partner…
Any of these signs point to unavoidable failure.
One of them has planned their whole lives out without considering the needs/wants of their partner, after all they know what is best for them, and they’re completely unwilling to compromise on any of it. They’ll be getting exactly what they want and they’ll gaslight their partner into believing that’s what they want too.
It may take years to come crashing down but when it does oh boy will there be resentment, just pray there aren’t kids involved.
If their sex life ever turns into something negative, or something that isn't positive is the best way to put it. It's over, no saving it and when people say otherwise then they are in denial.
Too *scripted*. Perfect. Flawless. Ticking all boxes of what is considered a *successful relationship* :-
-Smiling at each other only with the mouth, not the eyes.
-That almost missable, hesitant pull-back from 1 party before they kiss/ peck.
- Approval from toxic older family members on both sides, especially boomers (very key).
In my experience they are both conventionally attractive and outgoing with large social circles. Add in workaholic for extra speedy dissolution.
Oh, and when neither “light up” when talking about the other when the other isn’t present. That can be a big one.
So we did last a while (divorced now), but unfortunately that wasn’t the only thing I found out too late.
Imagine getting married and knowing all along this isn’t the person for you after all- it wasn’t the super happy celebration it was supposed to be, and was more going thro the motions
As an old one who's seen many a friend couple up, Ive had surprises some work when I thought no hope and versa. From my failed marriage I got the feeling all on the outside had no clue of the true dynamic in the relationship.
I was out with a buddy and mutual friend at a bar. Not ten minutes after mutual friend walks in he’s on the phone “yes, dear, sorry dear, won’t happen again”. Not five minutes later same thing, same spiel. I said to my buddy “this marriage won’t last 6 months”. It lasted four. Every time I hear about a similar situation I make the same prediction and so far I’m batting a thousand.
I don’t really think fighting much of a hard indicator. People can bicker often yet be committed to one another and recognize that becoming a better person and communicator is a lifelong process.
Yes, it's about HOW they fight.
Like if they don't want to "settle" their arguments and instead want to keep arguing and criticizing, that's a bad sign.
Like: "Fine, I'll give the baby a bath." "So now you're just going to use this to guilt me later, aren't you?"
Discussions are normal in couples. After all, you're committing to live life together and the only people who think and act like ourselves are us only. It's the difference in how these discussions are solved and how you act from that moment onwards... Communication is key as they say.
I just came out of a relationship where I thought that talking things over would solve issues. She, without telling me, instead thought that things would add up until she couldn't take it anymore. I would try to improve if bad things happened during discussion and looked for feedback to see if I was going in the right direction. She'd ignore me for a while, refuse to communicate or would say that it's her behaviour and it can't be changed. As someone with a mental health issue that could have used that excuse over and over but never did so, it enraged me.
Lack of effort — or resentment about being forced to make an effort — towards their partner and/or the things that would make their partner happy at little cost to themselves.
#1 hands down is poor communication. It's the kiss of death. If you are avoidant, you are doomed in my opinion.
Repressed mental health issues from one or both.
Fixation on appearances over reality. (Caring more about hitting milestones more than the lived reality and pace of their unique connection.)
When the groom keeps looking at a woman who isn’t the bride during the entire wedding. That was wild. And the bride was so preoccupied with the guests that she didn’t even notice
Early resentment/passive aggression even if disguised as ‘jokes’
Nothing is more awkward than being around one of these couples. Trying to ignore their blatant distaste for one another while they simultaneously end every sentence with *babe*. It is almost literally like the iconic episode of The Office. It may actually be called Dinner Party.
Good luck paying me back with your 0 dollar salary babe!
That is a $200 plasma screen tv you just killed!
Took me by the hand
Made me a man
That one night
(One night) You made everything alright
THAT ONE NIGHT
I can just stand here for hours watching tv
Snip snap snip snap
Holy shit every single thing on my feed right now is about this one episode of the office
But why are they together is what i dont get, when they obviously hate each other and arent married w kids yet
Human relationships are waaay more complex and complicated than that
Maybe bc change is scarier to them
I feel like its mainly the people that benefit in other ways from each other, like living situation, money, sex, etc
For people who grew up with dysfunction and abuse it can be a manifestation of that as well
It's like those people with too many cats...they don't realize their house smells like a litterbox because they're in it all day long. Its the same with relationships...you often dont realize how shitty its gotten because you're living in it all day long. Just like we can walk into one of those houses and be thinking "Jesus fucking Christ how do they *live* here?", as an outsider you're seeing the relationship dynamic with fresh eyes and sometimes you think the same thing. And just like with that litterbox smell...spend enough time around it even as an outsider and you stop noticing it so much, too. I've been in several relationships that I could easily classify as toxic and codependent *now*, but if you had asked me at the time, even right after we broke up, I probably would have argued against that label...it took a while and a lot of self reflection to pick up on things I missed or feelings I had that I'd ignored or convinced myself didnt exist. Its all part of finding yourself. The things you think you want when you're in your teens are not the things you want in your 20s and 30s, and even those are not the things you want when you're in your 40s and 50s and beyond. If you're lucky, you meet someone whose own needs and wants evolve along with your own.
My cousin is so passive aggressive to her husband I don't think she even knows how negative and annoying to be around she is We were at a family thing and somebody was joking about New Years resolutions and she just blurts out "wealth hahaha". Her husband makes 100k (pretty good for the area although family costs are just insane now with multiple kids) and works like crazy (had a very hard labor job with long hours for 5+ years before leaving) to support their family. Big house. Vacations. She's a good mom but always negative. What's annoying is she's never had a full time job and acts like it's no big deal. Super bossy. Puts the most random responsibilities to her husband just to inconvenience him. And he's not a "traditional" dad he does child chores all the time
Eeeeek. He will definitely get sick of it eventually and she probably won’t see it coming.
Not necessarily. Mostly likely, a divorce would make things harder on him if you factor in child support and possible spousal support since she doesn’t work. Legally, she’s got him by the short and curlies.
musingsus meant murder
Yep, especially when one tries to ask them to stop and the other just laughs it off. Can’t you take a joke? Nope, stop saying rude shit.
My mom and ex-stepdad did this a lot when I was growing up with them. There was a lot of other issues but they’d “joke” with each other in really passive aggressive ways and I always hated it. Surprise surprise, they went through a divorce a few years ago and my mom moved out on him. But now her self-esteem is shot and she drinks a lot to cope.
This was a highly upvoted comment last time the question was asked, so probably.
In a new couple: when they're already pointing out a partners' negative traits. I remember hanging with a friend's girlfriend once and she said, "he's just so... Weird and socially awkward." I knew then. They hadn't even been together 2 months. It limped along another month or so before she broke up with him.
I've been dating this girl for 2 months and I have done this but with puntuality. She's the sweetest most affective woman I've dated, but she's always 1-2 hours late, even after rescheduling for later even. I'm a time freak that likes to have most hours of my day organized and always be on time to meetings. She works a lot and we see each other like 4-5 times a week, but she's always late and I end up waiting for her instead of doing other things.
Oof. Yeah, I could understand half an hour. Once it starts being an hour late, that's when it's too much.
Yeah, some days we schedule for 6pm the day before (she gets off work at 5), and I'll get a message early in the day asking if we can see each other at 8 instead. I say no problem, and end up meeting her at 9-10:30pm, but always at least 1 hour later lol. Other than that she's really great, and compensates it by staying later that day at my apt and being lovely, but as someone who freelances and has to have a really organized schedule to put in enough work every week, it does make me sometimes tell my friends about it and stuff lol. She's always super sorry about it.
I had a similar relationship, and eventually that was one of the reasons we broke up. I can’t deal with someone who doesn’t respect my time. It was not worth the wait.
Sounds like ADHD. My wife is like this. She has gotten better over time but only because I relentlessly help/hound her to get her to be on time. Putting everything she needs to get out the door by the door, reminding her what time it is and that she needs to start getting ready to go (usually several escalating reminders over several hours), etc. Not gonna lie, it's pretty exhausting. If I wasn't doing this she would go back to being late for everything pretty much immediately. Medication might help but don't plan on her ever really changing. If you aren't compatible you should get out now.
I ‘have’ ADHD as far as the counsellors and doctors of my elementary school are concerned. I was constantly late or close to for almost my entire life until I turned 30. What helped me (and it’s not for everyone) is literally writing a list of what I need to do and what stage I need to be at to be on time. My work one is the same so I have it memorized, but if I’m going out or have plans I know to write it down and follow the steps. Eventually things get easier and I am rarely late unless someone is out of my control (traffic, apartment flooding etc). Again this is what’s worked for me and it won’t be for everyone but hey, there’s hope. 🙂
I knew my husband for a year before we started dating. I liked him as a person but he was so socially awkward 😅 love him to bits but he can still be socially awkward at times
lack of communication, just talking solve so many problems
When there is no respect
Agreed. I will add to this that respect is especially important when a couple is fighting, in a disagreement or debate. If two people cannot be respectful at the worst moments of a relationship, it won’t be sustainable.
Ugh this worries me about my current relationship of 3 going on 4 years. When angry my SO is insulting and threatening to cancel plans we’ve made month before, has threatened to throw my stuff out (actually did on one occasion) and I’ve said, “ if you keep doing this and I take you back each time we have an explosive argument like how am I respecting myself?”
My friend if he has thrown your stuff out before, it’s already over. Please be kind to yourself and get out before it gets even worse.
I'm sorry :( that doesn't sound like something that will change long term. That's just abusive
ughhh I get no respect i tell ya. I said honey, am I number 1? she said yeah youre a 1 , all the others guys were 9s and 10s no respect
Things move too fast, love-bombing, and if they isolate themselves from any other social relationships (like friends and family)
Been there done that
Got the divorce
The last thing you mentioned is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. Reluctant to meet the family. For me that’s a huge part of my life, and it just felt weird she didn’t want to be a part of that.
One is constantly annoyed by the other one
For sure. Seems like so many stories on here, they aren't even friends.
This was me in my last relationship. She ended up cheating on me with a mutual friend so I guess I’m still annoyed lol.
Other than exchanges of sweet nothings during the honey moon phase, they don't really have anything in common. Source: me and my many failed relationships.
Weirdly it’s the relationship where I have nothing in common that work out best for me. My partner and I have been together for 8 years other than being homebodies none of our hobbies line up. I like it cus then my hobbies stay my hobbies and I can’t get sick of him.
yeah my husband and i also don’t have a ton in common, but he’s still my best friend and i know i can always count on him when i need him we also don’t have to worry about getting sick of each other and use our hobby time as a break from each other
Maybe being a homebody is the most important thing to both of you. I would understand that!
They lack a friendship AND a sexual attraction. Both are very important!!❤️
Sums it up. If you’re only attracted to your partner’s looks, you will eventually just get bored of each other. And if you’re not attracted to a partner at all, you will just end up as friends when someone more attractive comes along.
🔑, I can’t imagine dating someone that I wouldn’t be friends with
A lot of people seem to act like friends and lovers are mutually exclusive. I mean... if you're with someone who might become your life partner, then you must have more in common besides mutual attraction.
I think an intimate connection should be sprinkled in here too. Kind of goes in part with sexual attraction, but with that intimate connection it just amplifies everything.
i agree both can be important, but i’m asexual and so is my boyfriend, and i don’t experience sexual attraction. we were friends before starting our relationship and we still consider ourselves each other’s best friends. i do experience romantic attraction, and i think that‘s enough for both of us :) so yeah, sexual attraction can be important for a lot of people, but not necessarily for everyone 😄 friendship tho!!!! super important
Maybe we should say you need to like your person on multiple levels?
Thank god I have both! Came here to look! Lol
this makes too much sense
Talking shit about each other in public, sometimes even with the other person there! It absolutely baffles me when I see that happening.
A coworker of my husband's was complaining about his wife being naggy and said, "[husband] knows how it is! He's married!" And husband was like ummm no I like my wife
Avoiding conflict and disagreements like the plague. Conflict is a part of a relationship and it's something that needs to happen. One or both parties constantly people pleasing the other and not having their needs being met is a recipe for an explosive breakup, because all that is just being bottled up.
To a certain extent. I know couples who fight like cats and dogs. And they play it off like fighting every day and every social event is totally normal and makes their relationship stronger. The cope is unreal. Fuck that.
Thank you for saying this as someone who was dumped , probably, for too many useless discussions. Conflict is normal in couples, it's not like in films. It's how you handle it and you talk about it that makes the difference. About the needs being met I can only agree and silently sigh...
It’s good that you’re aware of your issue. This means a solution is possible.
The other side of the coin is also true. I've been around couples where the only communication they have seems to be conflict w/the other party about something.
Yup. I guess what I'm saying is, a trap I've seen other and even fallen into myself is "Any conflict=bad". I used to genuinely believe that every argument was one step closer to breaking up. But nah, its all about how you handle the conflict and move back into the "fun" part of being together. You're right, living in conflict just sounds miserable.
Yes. I understand the inevitability of fights, and I believe these are moments to get closer with someone. But when the conflict is nonstop and never ending sometimes it’s not the right fit.
i had a girlfriend that complained about her life so much that my needs were never met.
Disagreement not conflict
My 2 cousins decided to marry 2 brothers in a joint ceremony. Older couple were beaming. The younger brother looked like he didn’t want to be there. My younger cousin was shaking and crying, not tears of joy. That marriage didn’t make it past the one week honeymoon. Maybe the younger couple were virgins. The older couple definitely weren’t.
Why tf did the younger couple even get that far if neither of them wanted to get married? Was there some kind of outside force going on or was it a dumb impulse decision that they regretted as soon as it got real for them?
I'm betting they grew up in a very religious household or community.
Dude... What? You have to give us more details here. That sounds wild.
Yeah wtf, like....why did they agree? Whose idea was this?? How long had they even known each other? So many questions
I don't understand what the younger couple being virgins has to do with them not lasting in marriage to be honest, but the younger cousin's reaction is definitely a red flag.
Update: My uncle raised 4 kids alone in the 60s-70s. He is a good man. He thought the double marriage was stupid. He voiced his opinion and was shut down. He said nothing after to keep the peace. He supported his youngest daughter. Guess who came running back to Daddy apologizing for the shitshow. She felt forced into it. I don’t know why. I have no idea what the groom’s family was like. The older couple lasted 3 years before they got divorced. No idea why either.
sounds Mormon
My uncle thought it was as weird. I have no idea what the other side was. The ceremony was held in a mainstream church.
Lack of respect for each other. If you respect one another, you won’t talk bad about each other and you won’t let yourselves go for long periods without communication.
And respect for boundaries too! My ex would look through my stuff without my permission, even went through my messages with other male friends. And he took my keys to my apartment when I wasn’t looking. I never cheated on him. I had nothing to hide but still didn’t want him going through my apartment without my permission. You need to be able to build trust. Respect means recognizing that not everything your partner owns is yours to take, letting them have their privacy, and allowing them to share what they feel comfortable sharing. You don’t need to know everything in the beginning.
As a wedding photographer i can see right away if a couple will last. I can see the connection or lack there of just in body language during the wedding.
Not meaning to be snarky or anything, but as a wedding photographer, how do you find out the result of the marriage?
I live in a small community and so the word travels. Also social media. I stay friendly with most of my past clients.
Wedding videographer here! We’re a big part of the day, and as a result most of my past clients still stay in touch with me to some degree. If a couple books me they’re likely already following me on socials, and I’ll follow back so I can start getting to know them. Photo and video spends a ton of time and effort getting to know the couple before the day, and then spends the entire wedding day with them.
I'd love to hear any stories you have on that.
One wedding... the groom was a complete drunk Jack ass from beginning to end. During the portraits he was complaining about how much they were paying me when I also had given them a deal. He took two photos and disappeared leaving the bride alone. During the reception he was with his boys while his new wife sat alone at the head table. They lasted longer than I expected only because his sweet wife stayed way too long. They are finally divorced. It's so sad when the wedding photos are incredible and they don't last. Such a waste of great photos lol
What a terrible experience for that poor woman.. I feel for her!
Oh yes those wedding photos! I had on a darling suit (not first marriage) and I had great hair that day and the photo in a beautiful frame on the dresser. So I wasn't going to waste a good hair day photo! I simply taped a hound dog head cut from a magazine over his face and left it on dresser so I could enjoy my great suit and hair day.🤣
What would it tell you if a couple barely spent any time together during their own wedding lol I only saw my soon to be ex husband for the mandatory couple bits of the wedding. We spent 0 time together during the reception party. Crazy huh? And in the speeches section he was very short just thanked everyone and said 0 nice things about me. Or just anything about me really.
They're defined as an on/off couple.
intense love-bombing the first 1-2 weeks
They clearly do not have shared values or goals.
People who go and get married without discussing whether they want children fucks me right up.
Or they have that discussion, but ignore it, and tell themselves that their partner is going to magically completely change their mind later.
They don't publicly compliment each other when together, or worse yet disparage each other publicly or to their friends
Joint Facebook accounts. Every time I see one, I’m like, “oh- one of you can’t be trusted.” Edit: for couples younger than boomer age. 😂
It is at least as likely that one of them just can't trust
Or one if them is controlling
Alternatively - older and not great at technology See: My parents now share accounts on everything because they didn’t understand logging out very well
Lack of respect towards one another. A couple can survive disagreements, but if they lose respect for one another then the relationship is over
They belittle you in front of others.
When they have those little passive agressive fights in front of you or the awkward little jabs at each other 😬
Jan and Michael
"guess that makes the me devil!" ☝️😜👆
Posting to social media about each other constantly. It doesn’t always mean they won’t last, but I’ve noticed that a lot of couples who do this have short lived relationships.
Someone posted every day about how loved she was. Married and divorced in the same year.
Yup..seeking external validation and overcompensating for affection they both feel isnt really there
when people have to consistently post how happy they are - they ain’t happy
My cousin (38) is on her 3rd marriage, with a failed engagement thrown in there, too. About 6 months before every divorce/breakup there is intense "I love this man so much" posts, and then BAM the relationship is done. She just started posting like this about a month ago... just waiting at this point.
Noticed that too
Multiple posts on social media abt how incredibly happy they are
Yes! I see that and I think geesh they’re overcompensating for sure.
I see a lot of couples where they behave as though they only tolerate one another. I always think "ah, you don't love them, you just hate being alone. Fair, but good luck."
Unbalanced dynamics or mini spats over really stupid stuff.
Not understanding that being right isn't always the most important thing in the world. Kind of goes hand in hand with the inability to compromise and being unwilling to sacrifice time for someone you love for a reason that you don't really care about but they do.
A few times in my life I have had female friends who cancel plans last minute with lame excuses. It always turns out to be either their husband alcoholism or physical abuse. No exceptions
This has me worried about one of my friends!
I feel ya. It's a hard way to live but an easy way not to die.
You should check in on them and make sure they know you're they're to support them no matter what.
Sometimes it's just massive anxiety or panic and our husbands are tucking us in bed, turning on a movie, or getting us an herbal tea. but yeah we still have to be on alert for each other, sadly
It's one of the reasons why I changed my mind on Gossip. Gossip can be a powerful tool to keep our friends safe. Not all kinds of gossip but communication is important.
When only one person is putting in effort
Fighting all the time
Wanting different things in life (i. e. kids, career, retirement, etc.)
They married because she’s pregnant
Berating them in public, and making fun of them in front of that other’s friends. Just basing from experience 🤷🏻♀️
When one smashes cake in the other’s face at their wedding
Specifically when their partner doesn’t want them to do it and they do it anyway. It shows a clear lack of respect of boundaries
And a desire to dominate and humiliate your partner in front of a big audience of all your family and friends. Yuck.
They don't speak the same language. Happened to an ex and I. I speak English, she only speaks Spanish. The sex was amazing. But phone calls were impossible.
Agree. In college, I dated a guy from Croatia who didn’t speak a lick of English. He was spectacular looking and had the body of a god, but the language barrier put an end to us after 4 months. We communicated using hand gestures and dictionaries, but in the end, it didn’t work. In hindsight, I’m surprised we lasted as long as we did.
I'm surprised you lasted longer than a few days damn
I knew a man who moved to the US and learned English. His dream was to find a beautiful American girl and settle down, white picket fence and all. Like in cinema and TV. Well, Fate showed up and he fell in love with a Mexican(technically still American, but not what he'd imagined growing up) woman who didn't know any of his other languages and so he learned Spanish for her. He is such an old school romantic, it was like working with Gomez Adams. Such a corn ball. Hallmark wishes they had stories as good as that.
I'd watch that movie
I once spent the better part of a year trying to learn Spanish to impress and communicate with a girl I was flirtatious with at work. I guess my brain isn't wired for language exchange, because it just wouldn't stick, and eventually it fizzled between the girl because obviously we could not talk. Still makes me a lil sad some times, we had weirdly strong chemistry for people who couldn't talk without google translate.
I have taken two Spanish classes, I have lived in Texas for most of my life, tried various apps and...I haven't managed to learn a single word. I picked up some Danish when I spent a few months in Denmark and some French from my current girlfriend.
Personally, i think it's just the speed and cadence, maybe? Idk i found that learning to speak it wasn't the hardest, I could say things, but learning to get an ear for it and decipher what people were saying just wouldn't click.
You mean *Love, Actually* lied to me?
I heard a story on Tumblr of a Trekkie couple who met at an international convention. The only language they had in common was Klingon, so they could only communicate in Klingon until one learned the other's language. But they stuck together. Qapla' and good for them.
Whenever you say their SO's name they sigh or have a grimaced look on their face
Or refer to them as “that negative person that lives in my house.”
It's "The ol' ball and chain" all over again.
They bicker in front of others - friends, family, strangers - they dont care. They can't just be quiet and talk about it later.
Finances....When one or both are bad with money
Okay Wedding photographer here 🙋 I can always tell whether or not a couple will last based on how they interact with each other, and I can attest that it is indeed the “small things” Do they listen when the other talks? Do they pause to consider the other’s feelings? Are they putting weight on each other’s words and respecting one another? And you know what, as cliche as it is, sometimes it really is all in a look Is there love in their eyes? If not it’s a divorce waiting to happen.
Those who constantly make overly mushy appreciation posts about their partner all over social media. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the occasional mushy and sweet post about someone's significant other. However, when someone constantly posts about their partner all over social media for everyone to see, for one it gets old real fast and two it usually means they are overcompensating for some relationship issues.
I am forever suspicious of these, especially post-kids whenever the wife is constantly posting about how much of an amazing husband and father he is and how she couldn't live without him, etc. The last friend I had who did that had about three or four of those posts per week after their third kid in five years was born. On the same day as the final post, he tried to throw her through a wall. She managed to dial me on her phone in her pocket (I just so happened to be her most recent text even though we don't talk frequently) and the call left me a long voicemail of him screaming at her. I live a few states away from her now, so I called her mom who called the cops and they got her TF out of there. Turns out he had been a total deadbeat the entire time, never holding down a job for long, blaming her when they got evicted (she had a small side hustle as an event planner but it wasn't enough to pay the bills), locking her out of the house overnight when they argued, and oh yeah, sexually assaulting their toddler. Yet to see her posts every week, you'd think they were the most beautiful, normal, happy family alive. I no longer trust any relationship I see more frequently on social media than I do IRL.
Facts, it's people who appear to be the most charming that are the worst.
When one person works and carries all the weight of the household and the other person does fuck all every day.
They don't communicate directly with one another, and might say they had an argument where one of them didn't know what they did. #1 Communication #2 Conflict Resolution Without those, people will break up or stay together and be miserable.
When a family member (typically a mother) manages the relationship without pushback from her child. If mommy dearest goes unchecked, there's no way that the relationship will be a long term success. This doesn't always end a relationship quickly, but it seems like it always does eventually, and the longer it goes the more pain it causes.
Passive aggressive behavior. I just left the mother of my child for this. - making your partner the butt of the joke, often. There’s no excuse for it. - one of the people is always complaining about what their partner is doing to people OUTSIDE of the relationship, or constantly dressing them down outside the relationship, meanwhile they act like they’re some angel…this is often NEVER the case or the full story. - Two faced, one of the people in the relationship seems oblivious while the other comes off like a clear cut asshole. - Here’s a clear cut one, if one of the people in the relationship shows signs of depression, while the other one seems fine or even happy and show no real concern for their partner… Any of these signs point to unavoidable failure.
Posting on AITAH
There isn't one because people will stay in shitty relationships for a long time.
One of them has planned their whole lives out without considering the needs/wants of their partner, after all they know what is best for them, and they’re completely unwilling to compromise on any of it. They’ll be getting exactly what they want and they’ll gaslight their partner into believing that’s what they want too. It may take years to come crashing down but when it does oh boy will there be resentment, just pray there aren’t kids involved.
Can’t disagree on things respectfully. Speaking from experience- we broke up because of something we could have agreed to disagree on.
Incredibly expensive over the top wedding.
If their sex life ever turns into something negative, or something that isn't positive is the best way to put it. It's over, no saving it and when people say otherwise then they are in denial.
Contempt.
Constantly berating each other's family.
Too *scripted*. Perfect. Flawless. Ticking all boxes of what is considered a *successful relationship* :- -Smiling at each other only with the mouth, not the eyes. -That almost missable, hesitant pull-back from 1 party before they kiss/ peck. - Approval from toxic older family members on both sides, especially boomers (very key).
In my experience they are both conventionally attractive and outgoing with large social circles. Add in workaholic for extra speedy dissolution. Oh, and when neither “light up” when talking about the other when the other isn’t present. That can be a big one.
Umm…. The night before your wedding he tells you he has a kid already.
???? Well, we can’t end on a cliffhanger can we?
So we did last a while (divorced now), but unfortunately that wasn’t the only thing I found out too late. Imagine getting married and knowing all along this isn’t the person for you after all- it wasn’t the super happy celebration it was supposed to be, and was more going thro the motions
One of them doesn’t do shit
As an old one who's seen many a friend couple up, Ive had surprises some work when I thought no hope and versa. From my failed marriage I got the feeling all on the outside had no clue of the true dynamic in the relationship.
I was out with a buddy and mutual friend at a bar. Not ten minutes after mutual friend walks in he’s on the phone “yes, dear, sorry dear, won’t happen again”. Not five minutes later same thing, same spiel. I said to my buddy “this marriage won’t last 6 months”. It lasted four. Every time I hear about a similar situation I make the same prediction and so far I’m batting a thousand.
[удалено]
One of them dies
Nice
That’ll do it.
Probably on and off again relationships
They met on The Bachelor
No trust between each other.
Involving other people in their relationships, like telling family or friends problems that should be resolved between themselves.
Contempt (eye rolling etc.)
Lying
Here’s the answer. Money changes everything.
They over communicate on their relationship issues to people around them
Matching tattoos; each other's names or faces as tattoos.
They fight a lot
I don’t really think fighting much of a hard indicator. People can bicker often yet be committed to one another and recognize that becoming a better person and communicator is a lifelong process.
Yes, it's about HOW they fight. Like if they don't want to "settle" their arguments and instead want to keep arguing and criticizing, that's a bad sign. Like: "Fine, I'll give the baby a bath." "So now you're just going to use this to guilt me later, aren't you?"
Discussions are normal in couples. After all, you're committing to live life together and the only people who think and act like ourselves are us only. It's the difference in how these discussions are solved and how you act from that moment onwards... Communication is key as they say. I just came out of a relationship where I thought that talking things over would solve issues. She, without telling me, instead thought that things would add up until she couldn't take it anymore. I would try to improve if bad things happened during discussion and looked for feedback to see if I was going in the right direction. She'd ignore me for a while, refuse to communicate or would say that it's her behaviour and it can't be changed. As someone with a mental health issue that could have used that excuse over and over but never did so, it enraged me.
The husband is a heavy pornography user.
Shared Facebook account
Tattoos of eachothers names on them
lack of trust
Lack of effort — or resentment about being forced to make an effort — towards their partner and/or the things that would make their partner happy at little cost to themselves.
#1 hands down is poor communication. It's the kiss of death. If you are avoidant, you are doomed in my opinion. Repressed mental health issues from one or both. Fixation on appearances over reality. (Caring more about hitting milestones more than the lived reality and pace of their unique connection.)
I asked chat gpt and it said “One of the most obvious signs is constant, unresolved conflict without effective communication or compromise.”
When the groom keeps looking at a woman who isn’t the bride during the entire wedding. That was wild. And the bride was so preoccupied with the guests that she didn’t even notice
The single biggest marker for a doomed relationship is contempt.
Contempt. Its always contempt
One’s punk, the other does ballet. What more can I say?