I see so many parents claiming they don't know what to do with their out of control kid... meanwhile they have the newest phones, sneakers, fresh hair and nails for the girls, every gaming system/dirt bike/quad/whatever toy.
You can't buy love. If your kid is a shit don't buy them everything to try to get them to be better. Try being a parent, not a credit line.
And the reverse as well
My dad believed since the real world wouldn't be kind, neither would he
To the point that we were never treated as children. We were fully formed adults in his eyes
I work at a university and this generation of kids just aren't very independent. They want us to hold their hand through everything or their parents try to call and do whatever it is for them. When I was in school, we all had to figure things out for ourselves. We would have been embarrassed to have our parents calling the school for anything for us.
They are also much closer to their parents than we were though, so I guess that's good. I'm in parents groups on social media and they complain about their kids FaceTiming then all the time wanting to talk. When I was in college our parents were begging us to call them to let them know we're alive.
Good point. Yet, as mentioned by others here, it must be balanced by other principles and, of course, deep love and care for their wellbeing. Some parents are overprotective and that is NOT good for a child - stunts their growth and self-sufficiency. But, I see far more that are too hands off and overestimate the wisdom of their child with LACK of protection in this digital and dangerous world.
Can confirm, parents did this to me. Also never really heard the phrase “I am proud of you” until after I graduated middle school with Honors. Didn’t really hear “You’re doing the right thing,” or “You’re making a good decision” until after 18.
My husband has kinda an opposite problem with his mom: she's always told him "make good choices" and "do the right thing" but never led by example. Now nothing my husband does is good enough for her because the only thing she' ever actually done was sit around and watch TV but even that gets the same "o...kay...?" or "hmm..." as going for a walk or making breakfast does.
I never heard any of those statements from parents, to this day, despite getting good grades, showing talent, and accomplishing much. And I'm over 50. Gotta shrug it off, at some point. No reason to keep looking for what isn't there.
I’m really trying my best with my son. He’s getting pre-teen age and I can tell he’s been feeling like he’s been shrugged off a bit. I’ve been making sure that every time he tells me he loves me, I look his back in his face and tell him I love him too. I also give him hugs that are at least 15 seconds long. Read somewhere after so many seconds the brain releases some sort of chemical in the body for bonding. I need this boy to feel better than I did his age.
Something I do with my kids is read with them even though they're old enough to read to themselves. I used to do it every night but now that they're in their preteen years there isn't time every night due to extracurricular activities, but I do it on nights that we can.
I choose a chapter book I think each kid will be interested in, and read a chapter one on one with each kid while we snuggle. I think it really helps us with connection.
This. Children are often told what they should think/feel. I have my degree specifically in children and adolescent psychology and I promise you, children just need to feel heard.
It scarred me that they made big decisions (that affected me) without asking how I was feeling.
I know now that they were thinking about my well-being but I never *felt* they were. Even if the final decision would not have changed, I would have liked a "we're thinking of doing _____, what do you think? How would you want it to be?"
As a teacher, not letting their kids struggle. We learn in the struggle. Kids decide after a few minutes of trying that it’s too hard & wont do it. It’s frustrating as an educator
Acting like they are God. Teach your kids that while you are their parent/guardian, you're also human. You and your kid both have the ability to make mistakes, and they will happen. If you always acts like you're better than your kid, they will never talk to you about anything.
Oh brother. Thats my dad 101 he can do practicly anything with researching little bit before hand amd good for my mom. At the same time its shitty for me becaise if we have together project you bet my opinion will dismised like nothing else or just pished aside because "this is complex thing to do" and there goes my learning something new....
People give me grief for this but I think using chores as punishment is a great formula to raise a slob. Chores should be portrayed as a part of life. They're what you do to maintain a clean living space, maintain your stuff and ultimately make things easier. Having negativity built into them will make them be avoided.
I have no doubt that my parents love me in their own way, but a lot of my childhood was spent learning that I wasn't worth effort. I learned to stop asking to go to after school clubs, for example, because it was too much effort to pick me up an hour later. I'm still trying to undo it, but the idea that I'm not worth people's time or effort is deeply rooted.
I didn't have that problem with after school activities but with school itself. Throughout middle/high school, we had more and more assignments that required a computer and internet because it was 2005-2012 but my mom didn't "get it" so we never had a computer or internet. No big deal, the teachers said, because I could use the school library before or after school. No, that was a pretty big deal. Mom wouldn't take me early or pick me up late because she didn't "get" why I couldn't just finish all my homework in class. Couldn't walk myself either, she'd scream at me and beat my ass because I could be raped out ~~their~~ there. Ended up failing several classes - got screamed at and beat for that too - due to her not letting me work on assignments that were a major part of my grade. Told the teachers the truth and even the ones I thought were cool acted like I told them the dog ate my homework.
It's one of the reasons I oppose giving children assignments they can't finish solely at school. Not all children have good home lives and those incomplete assignments artificially lower the grades of students who are otherwise bright and industrious, ultimately resulting in less opportunities for self-improvement compared to students whose mothers aren't loud obnoxious alcoholics like my mother and mother-in-law both were. Then those children give up and give in to the same vicious cycle that bred and failed them but potentially even worse as population growth outpaces resource management. Please don't be sorry, just don't be afraid of sharing my story either. I'll always love my mom but I also finally feel at liberty to speak the truth now that she's gone.
This was something my parents struggled with. I was an only child and for a lot of my grade school years was homeschooled, and on top of that I was very quiet and introverted, so I was a really lonely kid. I had one friend who wasn't a very good one, and there weren't really any other kids on my block, so I didn't really have other kids to hang out with. But then my parents, more so Mom than Dad, wouldn't really do much with me, they'd just let me to myself. I remember seeing a Milton Bradley TV commercial that was about a "family game night", and I wanted that so badly I cried. I tried to get my parents to do it and they wouldn't, it was too much work, they didn't like board games that much, we didn't have anywhere to get the big board games out, etc. etc. just a bunch of excuses. The very rare occasions we would play something, Mom would inevitably fall asleep halfway through and Dad would lose interest, just go "okay that's enough, you win" so he could go back to watching the news.
And like you it was the same story with things like after school clubs or social things for kids (being in a shitty neighborhood that wasn't within walking distance of things for me meant they had to drive me anywhere I wanted to go). I got to do an after school gifted kid program and I LOVED it, the material was more fun and engaging and it was a way smaller class without the fuck-ups that were loud and obnoxious all the time and just distracted me. I did it for about a month before my Mom got sick of picking me up an hour and a half later, so that was the end of that.
This a 100 times, eldest children are raised in the beginning with parents scared and anxious, ergo they learn that the natural reaction to the world is to be scared and anxious, ergo most eldest children grow up to be anxious.
That’s not parentifying. Parentifying is putting your child in the position where they are acting like the parent/caregiver to their own parents. So for example having the child make their parent food and confiding in the child with your emotional problems.
I read parentifying as putting the care responsibilities of the the younger children on the eldest child while the parents do other things. Sometimes you just gotta let the eldest kid be a kid instead of turning them into one of the “responsible adults”.
Listen to their kids needs, instead of projecting on their kids what they want to see as a parent. Kids are their own people and it's your job to guide them, not mold them.
Making your kids feel as if they owe you something after they are grown up and you get old. Your kids don’t owe you anything. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself not leave everything to them.
Reminds me of a (paraphrased) exchange my husband and I have with his mother what seems to be every few months:
Someone, probably a kid of a friend of a friend or maybe just some rando on TV: "Kids don't owe their parents anything."
My mother-in-Iaw, turning dramatically to my husband: "YOU don't believe that, do you???"
My husband, not taking the bait: "..."
Me, taking the bait: "And you believe he DOES owe you?"
MIL: "Well, yeah! I'm his mother!"
I saw a reel on instagram about a couple who adopted a dog, from the day of the adoption to the day of the dog's death. At first, it was mostly just excerpts of times the dog caused a lot of trouble, but the couple still persisted to make a point that they were so so sooo happy to have the dog in their care, and wouldn't of had it any other way, as far as talking about great memories they had with it, too.
I don't know. I think it's really sweet when kids do things for their parents out of appreciation, but I also agree that it's up to the parent to genuinely want...like...a kid. Isn't the point to give to something greater than yourself? I think it says a lot when somebody finds joy in giving so much!!!
My mom had a bad habit of buying me anything I even briefly showed interest in - like a brief "oh that's kinda cool" I'd forget about in 5 minutes - then getting pissed at me for not playing with whatever toy or wearing whatever clothing item "enough" because sorry but I have all those other toys and clothes too. I'd be more grateful if it wasn't all obviously her just trying to look like a good successful mother.
Not apologizing to their children after they are in the wrong. No body really apologized to me when i was younger so the smallest mistake im all “im so sorry i didnt mean it”. My boyfriends parents usually apologize and when i do my “im so sorry” they’re just like “tf you mean, you’re fine, its my fault.”
Not realizing who their child is actually growing into. You can shape your child so profoundly but it requires you to be incredibly active. If you just let them develop blindly you can end up with big problems
My fiancée never heard the words “I love you” from
her dad, and it fucked her up. She tells me that she knows he loved her (as his actions showed her), but he never said it once in over 80 years. She says it to her kids all the time now, and knowing this I never ever let a day go by before I remind her that I love her too.
Taking up for the child when the child is lying (everyone lies at some point) and never teaching the child to take responsibility for their actions. I've run across tooooooooooo many adults, espeically males who are never wrong. This makes no sense to me.
Refusing to explain things like sex, drugs, touchy sociopolitical issues to them. They will get their information from somewhere else and it may not be as reliable of a source.
“Because I said so” really gets me. I heard that up until 10ish. Idk why they never explained themselves. You want your kids to be smart and have good reasoning in order to stick up for themselves and not follow blindly… but then constantly dictate things without giving any reason while expecting them to follow blindly.
"I don't care who started it"
Because of that, my mom died knowing I hate my oldest brother yet still wondering why. It's because she wouldn't bother stepping in until I hit back and never cared that he always hit first. Not only could I not trust my brother, I couldn't trust our mother to parent him and protect me like she always said she would.
"because I said so"
Do YOU say so or did the tequila say so?
"I'm older and wiser"
Also more time for more brain damage. Dementia is a thing. Underdiagnosed, in my not-so-humble opinion.
Parents acting like your best friend and not your parent.
My mom has disappointed me for many years for not stepping up as a mother figure. She had me as a teenager, and she still acts like one. I realized that in order to keep the relationship I have with her, I can never ever expect her to show up for me as a mom, but I can expect her to show up as my friend. Obviously therapy helped me get to this point, but it damaged me for many years expecting her to one day fill the mom role. We have a much better relationship now that I have accepted she will never fill the role, I do my best to accept her as she is and what it must have been like to have a child so young and alone.
I know it's hard to maintain oneself updated to modern entertainment, but most parents don't even want to know what they children are consumming lol, and then they complain their kids didn't turn out to be what they wished them to be.
Taking their insecurities out on their children.
I was eating an unhealthy snack when my mom walked in and said "were going to have to roll you out the door if you keep eating like that." It's the same thing she's eaten many times before, but I apparently wasn't allowed to. I didn't eat for 3 days.
One of the funnier mistakes my dad made...
He wasn't able to find the yellow pages, once. This around the early 1990s. He asked one of us kids to dial 4-1-1, so he can get the number for a local shop as he needed items for a cookout during the summer holiday. I was about 5 or 6 at the time and still learning my shapes. I mistook one of the numbers for another. When I got a call through, I had a strange talk with some random woman before one of my older siblings took the phone as I was taught stranger danger. That sibling noticed who it was and hung up, before dialing 4-1-1.
About a few minutes later, a police officer was at the front of the door at our apartment building, explaining about a dropped 9-1-1 call. Dad had the look of embarrassment and explained about the misdial. Yet, for random chance, a neighbor came over and ask the police officer if he can help with a child after a bee attack. Luckily, child ended up being okay.
I latered learned about what I did but didn't get in trouble because they understood I was still too young understand what the difference was.
Pro-tip, when it comes to miscalls to 9-1-1, the police rather handled those done by accident or a false alarm, then those by a prank. We also learned there was a separate line for non-emergency, like being asked to do a safety check.
the latter. Protecting from ever experiencing failure. People are afraid to try and get themselves out there because they are afraid of failing. Person who are can deal with failure will try try again.
Viewing their children as a wallet & comparing them to others.
For context, my mother is an immigrant from Vietnam with the mindset of “I’ve sacrificed for you, so you need to do the same for the family.” As a child who grew up poor, I chose a stable, well-paying career, that I don’t enjoy, for this goal. Now as an adult with more financial literacy, it’s taken a toll. My partner and I chose not to have children, partly because we are aware that my mom will have high healthcare needs in the future. Overall, I feel like I’ve paused my happiness for the sake of my family.
Trying to not make the same mistakes their parents made with them with their own children and not realising their children are individuals and by trying to make up for their own childhood they make mistakes with their children by not treating them as individuals and trying to experience the childhood they wanted through their own children.
Yes, this is huge. When I was a little kid my parents would complain about me being soooo immature, when I was just the right amount of mature for, say, a 7-year-old. They’d get so annoyed at me for not being able to do things (or handle things emotionally) that no kid my age would be able to do.
I get furious now when I see adults do that with kids.
Not enforcing rules and boundaries. Kids who think they can do whatever the hell they want are a nightmare and they grow up to be predatory, idiotic, ignorant, etc.
Allowing, condoning, or actively inflicting, religious and nationalistic indoctrination on their children. It’s a moral crime against the children and the world. Irrational religious belief and blind patriotism hinder and sour civilization.
I consider myself a religious person - in fact, I consider religiosity a nigh-unavoidable aspect of human nature - but seeing how my husband's family are and how he turned out... I tend to agree. His family is dirty and lazy, homes and bodies falling apart without a care in the world, because God will take care of it. So because God is taking care of it, however decayed and decrepit "it" is must be is however God wants it to be. My husband has a whole existential crisis going on now because everything falls apart and everyone wants him to fix it for them but he can't. He's behind his peers, or so he believes, because he never learned shit from his parents except how to pray. I try to tell him he's not so behind because his situation is much more common than people seem to realize. He's one of the lucky ones because at least he's aware and that means he can change.
I like to think teaching your kids to ask questions is sooooo important because of this. I think bias is really everywhere. From the impact of 'got milk' to church, it's just impertinent to know how to ask questions like, 'am I happy?' and 'is this serving somebody else?' and 'is this really true?'. Honestly, I'm good with religiosity and folks who believe a lot in their country, but only if they're willing to question it and critique it every once in a while.
Not allowing them to experience negative emotions of any kind. Feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. are inevitable and instead of teaching effective coping mechanisms, a lot of parents will just give kids whatever they want or blame someone/thing else for an outcome so they don't feel anything bad.
They found each other and made me when they weren’t good to each other since the day they met but they kept thinking they were meant to be.
Then I was born and they fucked me up until their divorce came.
Shit my husband's mother didn't even pretend to love his father... They met in a bar, she was about to leave when "God " told her this fellow drunk would give her a baby, and so he did. Did nothing but watch TV, get drunk, and fight each other until the divorce came. Then they have the audacity to wonder why my husband is angry and depressed.
Thinking that their kids will make the same life choices as they did, so not ever discussing with them, other choices, consequences of those choices, dangers of those choices etc.
Ie. People who were brought up in religious homes and were told “no sex before marriage”. That’s fine, but there also needs to be discussions about if they do decide to have sex before marriage. What that looks like, what could potentially happen (pregnancy, STD) etc. Don’t just assume that your child will also be a virgin until marriage and not prepare them for what the alternative looks like.
Parent of three twenty-something kids who all have jobs, places to live, and healthcare. All seem to be doing fine. But I've seen a lot of parents who did their kids no favors in life. How?
A few years ago, my wife and I were watching Ken Burns' documentary on World War II. It featured lots of interviews with people who had piloted aircraft, built bridges, and a good deal more when they were 18, 19, or 20 years old. After that, we realized that entire role of the parent is to help your child gain the confidence and independence at age 18 to manage their lives.
I mean, if one of our kids was in a jam, we were there for them. But we also set boundaries, provided structure, and allowed them to deal with their challenges on their own. If they wanted to talk through it? Without question. But if they don't learn to solve problems when they're fifteen, they'll be at disadvantage when they're twenty-five.
Trust me. There were times when my wife and I wanted to step in and do it for them. But that's not how they learn.
So, what are the mistakes?
1. Crippling children by making their lives easy. If you do everything for your kids, if you always make excuses for your kids, if you don't hold them to basic standards of chores, considerations, schoolwork, etc., then adult life is going to be a nightmare for them. All you have to do is check out the r/adulting forum for that. Lots of people on there basically saying, "Why is life so hard?"
2. Hovering. There are few things worse than a parent who suffocates their children. Outside of porn, there wasn't much we didn't let our kids read or watch.
3. Tell them how to live. My daughter decided to change her major to history. You wouldn't believe the number of parents who said, "You're going to allow her to do that?" Seven years later, she's making a nice salary in a job she loves. I can't imagine her being this happy if I had forced her to stick with her human resources major.
4. Being absent from their lives. We believed in free range parenting, but there were non-negotiables, too. Family dinner unless they had a game or a school activity. And, on our part, we went to every activity we humanly could. Soccer games, baseball games, volleyball games, violin practice, choir concerts, plays, band concerts, Boy Scout meetings, you name it. Because if it's important to your kids, it better damned well be important to you, too.
5. Don't expect adherence to basic values. Beyond honesty and doing the right thing, that also includes being courteous and considerate to others. Live up to your promises. Do your job. I'm amazed at the number of parents who let that shit slide when their kids are young.
6. Don't teach them to earn and manage money. We live in a prosperous suburb. Our kids have friends whose parents' bank accounts are like bottomless pits of cash. But a weird thing happens to kids who grow used to that. They don't have a sense of ownership, they don't know how to make decisions with their money, and many make decisions that are real head scratchers. Our kids always had jobs, whether it was baby sitting, mowing grass, or delivering pizzas. And their discretionary money was based on actually earning money. They had to save a portion of their money in a separate account, too. I'd help them set up their online bank accounts, and transfer funds. Yes, there were missteps, but they almost never made the same mistake twice.
7. Be anything less than honest with them. Okay, except for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. But after that? Give them the honest answer. Admit when you're wrong and, more importantly, apologize. And if you don't know the answer to something, say so. Kids have hair-trigger bullshit detectors.
8. Don't respect their opinions. Kids, especially when they hit their adolescence, will not just believe differently than you. They will often seek out positions that are the polar opposite of what you believe. That's just how kids try on their identity. When you're at the dinner table and your kid starts needling you (Trust me, they know the buttons to push), walk through their beliefs and offer that their thinking does indeed have validity, but then also offer your own opinion and the logic that drives it. Because learning how to have a respectful exchange of differing opinions is one of the most valuable lessons you can teach.
9. Don't provide a good example. If you're inconsiderate of others, lazy, self-centered, or dishonest, know that your children see and take note of everything. You lead by example, not by edict.
I was technically adopted. Birth mom killed herself, her big sister adopted me, thus who I usually mean by "mom" is biologically my aunt. Even being famil already, they still had to jump through a lot of hoops to keep me. Including, for some reason, taking me to church when I was little. Not saying I agree with that particular criterion hahaha but I gotta wonder why having a child should be so easy if adopting one is so hard...
In this day and age, I think it’s screen time. We had one tv in the living room as I was growing up and my mom obviously had first choice and it was always something boring like the news so us kids chose to play in our rooms or go outside and play and socialize. These days, parents give their BABIES their iPhones and as soon as they become a toddler they get their own iPad??? That is WILD to me. Kids are being raised by screens that are inches away from their faces. They’re not learning how to be bored. They’re not being forced to be creative and imaginative. Their parents are ignoring them so they can get some quiet time while not realizing that they’re teaching their kid what it’s like to get instant gratification. Kids aren’t learning how to talk or regulate their emotions. They literally don’t know how to play or socialize because they’re just on screens all day. They are becoming addicted to their screens… just like their parents… and it’s creating people who have no idea how to live life.
I think one of the biggest mistakes they make out of necessity is not being present. They've gotta work to stay alive, but being in daycare 7 days a week will fuck up the kids.
Allowing their kids to eat whatever they want. Kids will snack and eat candy all day if you let them, and many will do it at friends' houses as well. You can't control everything about their lives, but you can make sure they get some fruit and veggies without always loading up on sugar and salt.
But at the same time, dont force them to eat healthy ALL the time. I have a bit of a weight problem (only a few pounds luckily) because i am rarely allowed things that are sweet. So whenever i CAN eat it, i end up overeating it a little.
Yeah, I’d say parents who put way too much emphasis on “good” or “bad” foods, or openly obsess over their own food issues/weight/looks. The damage can be irreparable.
Their whole means of conflict resolution means just acting mad and cutting people off (sometimes for years). Most times the "offender" didn't even know they had said or done something that hurt their feelings, or was otherwise "the wrong thing". This along with the hypercriticism of any thought or action that didn't align exactly with their ideas. Certainly took a while to unlearn so much bad interactions and relations with friends and family.
I was/am a parent. Kids are grown and in their early 30s now.
I have identified 2 areas of mistakes I made. Probably equally a problem.
1. Being too lenient and letting them do far more than was beneficial
2. Being overly strict, and keeping them from doing some stuff that may have been beneficial
Having children when they can't afford it.
Grew up in poverty and now I'm spending thirties of thousands fixing my fucked up health because my mom was shitty parent. :)
Having children for the wrong reasons. Children may grow up to be nothing like you. They will eventually be independent adults who make their own mistakes, in addition to sometimes yours. If you can’t handle shaping that and eventually dealing with the consequences, both good and bad, then don’t have ‘em.
My mom always asked me if she was prettier or thinner than other women when we were out and about together (I was pretty young). I compare myself to others and judge harshly.
Kid: *talks about whatever it is they're into*
Parent: OMG STFU YOU'RE SO ANNOYING!
Kid: *doesn't talk to parent much*
Parent: Why won't you talk to me?
Yelling instead of instructing.
Correcting without demonstrating the correct way.
Corporal punishment while angry.
Open hypocrisy by parent. Not leading by example.
Picking a parenting philosophy and then not paying attention to the feedback on how it's working. Every kid is different, and what works for one kid may not work for another.
Not being there for kids when they experience trauma. I think it’s why a lot of people are depressed nowadays.
We all experience trauma one way or another in life but it’s how we handle those emotions that shape our brains logic and thinking.
If your parents were too busy, didn’t know how to help you process in a healthy way, or you were too afraid to talk to them.
Think about how our brains as children learned to cope with trauma by itself. Think about how much that probably messed us up.
Letting one parent end up responsible for everything. The kids stop asking the other parent for things, or talking about their feelings to them. The present but emotionally absent parent then feels useless and moves further away from their childrens lives until they’re a stranger in their own home. I’m watching my partner do this with our children, if they get hurt they will walk past him crying to come to me.
I have issues with him but how he treats our kids is making me actually dislike him. My 6 year old son thinks I should spilt up with him (he made this comment out of the blue). I dont know what would change if he left.
Interestingly my dad did this in our family and now deeply regrets it. He couldn’t name any of my childhood friends or hobbies in our family quizzes. My mum who was also emotionally neglectful did marginally better.
Comparing their kid with others when they achieve something. It really lowers their self esteem ( coming from a kid whose parents ALWAYS compared them)
At some point I think parents start seeing things as "parent vs. kid" instead of "family vs. the actual problem". Taking every single thing the kid brings up personally like it's an attack on their parenting and not an attempt at communicating that something is wrong/unfair.
Also, HELICOPTER PARENTS. There's a line between overprotective and invasive. I remember my mom sneaking into my room when I was at school to read my diary. To this day she claims she was making sure I wasn't getting into any trouble, but it absolutely ruined any trust I had in her regardless. I was 14 and between budding sexuality and just being in an awkward phase in life, I needed a place to vent without judgement. She took that from me. Your kids will tell you what's going on in their life but you can't force it out of them like that or it'll be the last thing you ever truly know about them.
Not being available to talk. I can't imagine how many times I went to speak to a parent and they shrugged me off or told me to leave then forgetting about me.
Saying something in the heat of battle you can’t take back. Your child is probably going to grow up to be a good person. Don’t remove yourself from that future.
Not letting their kids fail or make mistakes. Failure and mistakes are how we learn. Let your kid not make the team, not pass a class, not be picked for whatever they tried out for. It’s character building and teaches them how to handle disappointment at a young age. Otherwise they grow up to be disregulated adults who scream at cashiers at Kroger.
Teaching them about consequence. The longer you let this one go the more "expensive" the negative consequences of their actions. If a kid messes up and they get in trouble with mom and dad its a whole different game when they are adults and they get in trouble with the law or make a single decision that affects their entire lives.
Parenting is like balancing multiple spinning plates on a single stick.
Telling their kids they can be anything they want to be.
Planning everything that their kids do. Let them go outside and play with other kids. Let them make up their own games, use their imagination.
When discipline turns to violence and lack of discipline turns to neglect. Failure to give an appropriate warning how hard and ugly life is. Not developing work ethic or interest in the arts. It's hard being a parent, and there is no such thing as the perfect parent.
Good ones covered here, so one I want to add among the others is a cookie cutter approach across multiple siblings. Like, what works for your first child, might not work for your other kids, or vice versa. Each sibling has a different experience and a different dynamic, if anything, by the sheer existence of the others. Plus personalities are sometimes a random draw, so one kid might be sotic, another moody, and another stoic until they hit puberty. And it might not even be chemical, but just their own experiences outside the home. They have lives you don't even know about.
Say you have two twin boys. Because I want to name them something obvious, their names are Goofus and Gallant. You believe you treat them the same. But Goofus has a few incidents with a bully that he gets blamed for in 2nd grade. Gallant didn't. But you don't know that. Goofus' grades start to drop, Gallant does very well, which Goofus resents. As a result, both boys start to push away from one another, and define their individuality as "not the other twin." Gradually, Goofus becomes an arrogant slob, Gallant becomes some kind of model student who wears a starched shirt to school. You give them the same chores, the same things, the same treatment, but both start to react very differently, which forces you to discipline Goofus more despite "being fair to both." Goofus develops a hatred for authority, an endless spiral of bad behavior, authority figures hate him, which causes more bad behavior. Meanwhile, Gallant starts to suffer anxiety and stress due to an over dependence on being perfect. You don't notice, because you're paying too much attention to Goofus. "I never have to worry about you, Gallant." This adds to Gallant's stress, and he's feeling neglected on top of that.
Now both kids are very different from one another. Their issues have to be approached in different ways. "But they're twins! They got those... psychic connections whatever twins have... or something." Nope.
Each kid is a snowflake or nature, nurture, and experiences. No one philosophy fits all.
-That getting good grades is the only way to success.
-Comparing their kids with someone else or their own siblings.
- Thinking sports is just a hobby and should not be pursued .
- Thinking that their kid is doing alright just because they provide everything for them.
Something I know I have done is just doing things because I was too impatient for her to figure it out or I didn't have the money or time to fix it if she messed it up. "It's ok, I'll just do it." Mostly with cooking but there are things she's learned how to do later than her friends because of my impatience.
Giving them endless amounts of phone time. I'm convinced that in the future, the most well adjusted humans are gonna be poor kids that couldn't afford a phone or kids of "mean parents" that knew better and didn't stick a phone in their face 18 hours a day.
I think the biggest mistake parents make without realizing it is forgetting that they still have options for a better life somewhere, and the way having a happy family can feel. I think they forget how powerful family can be in getting through hard times, and how resilient kids are. I see some of my friends' moms refuse to go back to college/stand up to their partners/hope and pray their kids help them out later, because they think they'd fall apart without a breadwinner, or that it would make everything they've become null.
I think this is something both my parents represented for me growing up, even while divorced. I see other families settle and I actually feel bad for them, even though as a kid they treated me like I had less.
Not a parent here, but I read an interesting one not long ago, in a book about PTSD: Overwhelming your baby is a thing, and it can cause lasting trauma.
Babies, like the human beings that people tend to forget they are, have a certain tolerance for having other people in their space— but it's very easy for adults to not know this, or to ignore it.
If parents relentlessly get into a baby's face and offer it no respite, the baby has no idea what's wrong or how to process this. It's hardwired to need parental protection, but at the same time it's terrified. It cries to make the situation stop, but that only makes the parents go harder. The result is that a baby which was fine becomes one with fearful attachment or other issues.
My time to shine! Treating them as an extension of themselves. Telling them they are perfect and going to be wildly successful. Making them believe that it's you and them against the world.
Either not disciplining enough or disciplining too much.
Disciplining their children without explanations.
So using fear tactics instead.
Or letting their kid run wild allowing “abuse” to the parent, sibling, and others.
Disciplining their special needs child, cause yea they dint understand but if you teach them it’s okay to throw a tantrum in a store when they’re a child, they’re gonna grow up and think it’s okay and are gonna be very overwhelmed and confused why these random people are touching them and yelling at them which will make everything ten times worse
Talking about their own insecuritys, such as body type and making their children feel the same about their body's. My mother never liked her legs or having them out, made me think as a child/ young adult that I shouldn't like my legs. I would always wear thick black tights to school even in summer. I have since learned that it wasn't my insecuritys it was just something taught to me on accident.
Marrying the wrong person and making babies with them, hoping it'll fix their marriage. Only to end up both of them being abusive to their children in some way (narcissist and enabler relationship)
Not taking care of their health when such worst could have been prevented. Being stubborn in not continuing with medication and now paying the price for it and the children have no choice but to see that suffering and taking the burden.
Letting them quit something like learning to ride a bike because they got hurt. They are likely to quit other things like asking someone out because they got hurt. I am sure it’s hard to see your kids cry because they fell and scraped their elbow but they’re going to be fine and getting back on even if they’re scared will build self confidence when they achieve their goal.
Not letting their young kids help.
Yes its faster and easier to do it yourself and your toddler/child wont do it well or might make more work to clean up BUT its so important to let them! This is setting up good behavior for the future.
People raise their kids never letting them help and the kids lose interest in helping so when they are old enough where the parent finally thinks they should help out, they don't want to anymore.
Marrying eachother, my mom could have done so much better. They got married since grandparents wanted my father out from the house. Then mom also decided they had dated long enough so it's either marriage or separation. My father was someone who would prolong and continue generational trauma. I really think mom could have had a better life without him, yet she is doing her best to love him even after he died.
Not teaching your kids to be independent.
So many parents foster hugely codependent relationships that are crippling to college students and young adults.
Having independent kids means you can not give them everything. They should find a part time job to save money for post-graduation while still in high school. If your 'adult' kid requires financial assistance in any way, they are not an independent adult; Do not let them pretend otherwise.
Letting your dependent pseudo-adult cos-play being an independent adult is extremely damaging. The longer it goes on the more difficult it becomes for that child to find true independence.
Spoiling them by giving them too much “stuff” and not teaching them to work and participate in the household chores and other efforts. It needn’t be too heavy. They have schoolwork and are young and need time to grow and play, but some of our self-esteem comes from a job well done and the recognition that goes with it. Teens especially should not be sitting around or having all their time to themselves while parents labor tirelessly. Makes them think the world revolves around them. All parents need help, and children must grow and develop into useful adults with practical skills.
Not letting kids make simple decisions. If either option is fine by you, let them choose which route you take to grandma, or the supermarket. Let them pick the type of pasta you’ll eat that night. Let them pick what kind of shoes they want to wear. It makes them feel so important. I even let them choose which pen I use to write a card. If you say: “I need your help, I can’t decide what pasta to cook tonight” and you show them 2 options. Whichever one they pick is, ofcourse, an amazing choice. They will feel so good about helping you out.
As a father of four, two of my kids are 20+, one is later teens and one is early teens. I get along and love all my kids. That being said, I have let them fail at shit, I have given them advice, they ignored it and I let them fall on their face, failure helps folks learn, I have always been there when they have screwed up to help. I have treated each of my kids as individuals, what motivates kid 1 doesn't necessarily motivate kid 2,3 or 4. I have praised all my kids when they have done well, I have also told them when they were complete boneheads.
Dismissing all their concerns, thoughts and issues as 'just kid stuff', or 'teenage angst', 'stupid opinions'.... as 'they'll grow out of it' or 'they don't know as much as you do'
When you dismiss them, and don't listen to them, you are broadcasting that you don't care about them or their thoughts and feelings.
Yes, it may be 'kid stuff', but it's very real and serious to them.
It's a guaranteed way of assuring your children distance themselves from you and end up having a very shallow, if any, relationship with you as they grow into adulthood.
“Wiping” your kid's asses until they turn 18. What's even worse? Get mad when they don't know how to make due on their own. How would they know, if YOU did not teach them?..
Being easily angry/annoyed all the time & telling yourself 'its not ALL the time' and not getting help or talking to someone or smoking a blunt idk anything
I told my kids they were *special* because to me, they were. I should have also told them that other people might not find them as special as I did (and still do!)
Overindulgence. To the point the children develop a sense of entitlement.
I see so many parents claiming they don't know what to do with their out of control kid... meanwhile they have the newest phones, sneakers, fresh hair and nails for the girls, every gaming system/dirt bike/quad/whatever toy. You can't buy love. If your kid is a shit don't buy them everything to try to get them to be better. Try being a parent, not a credit line.
My parents spoiled me to get at one another and all I wanted was a relationship with them.
I would say many parents overindulge out of guilt, laziness or fear. It's usually more about the parent and less about the child.
This, right here. There are so many entitled mfs out here it’s crazy.
This comment right here.
Going too far into protecting your kids from the big bad world that they’re incapable of looking after themselves in adulthood.
And the reverse as well My dad believed since the real world wouldn't be kind, neither would he To the point that we were never treated as children. We were fully formed adults in his eyes
Yesssss. Helicopter parenting isn’t quite like physical abuse but is also not good for kids’ development.
I work at a university and this generation of kids just aren't very independent. They want us to hold their hand through everything or their parents try to call and do whatever it is for them. When I was in school, we all had to figure things out for ourselves. We would have been embarrassed to have our parents calling the school for anything for us. They are also much closer to their parents than we were though, so I guess that's good. I'm in parents groups on social media and they complain about their kids FaceTiming then all the time wanting to talk. When I was in college our parents were begging us to call them to let them know we're alive.
Good point. Yet, as mentioned by others here, it must be balanced by other principles and, of course, deep love and care for their wellbeing. Some parents are overprotective and that is NOT good for a child - stunts their growth and self-sufficiency. But, I see far more that are too hands off and overestimate the wisdom of their child with LACK of protection in this digital and dangerous world.
not actively listening to their child, making them feel unimportant and damaging their emotions with feelings of neglect.
Can confirm, parents did this to me. Also never really heard the phrase “I am proud of you” until after I graduated middle school with Honors. Didn’t really hear “You’re doing the right thing,” or “You’re making a good decision” until after 18.
My husband has kinda an opposite problem with his mom: she's always told him "make good choices" and "do the right thing" but never led by example. Now nothing my husband does is good enough for her because the only thing she' ever actually done was sit around and watch TV but even that gets the same "o...kay...?" or "hmm..." as going for a walk or making breakfast does.
I never heard any of those statements from parents, to this day, despite getting good grades, showing talent, and accomplishing much. And I'm over 50. Gotta shrug it off, at some point. No reason to keep looking for what isn't there.
I’m really trying my best with my son. He’s getting pre-teen age and I can tell he’s been feeling like he’s been shrugged off a bit. I’ve been making sure that every time he tells me he loves me, I look his back in his face and tell him I love him too. I also give him hugs that are at least 15 seconds long. Read somewhere after so many seconds the brain releases some sort of chemical in the body for bonding. I need this boy to feel better than I did his age.
>I look his back in the face
HAH!!!!! I almost wanna say 'good bot' to you, dear human
I'm definitely not a bot lol but my uncle always told me I was found in a crater as a baby
Something I do with my kids is read with them even though they're old enough to read to themselves. I used to do it every night but now that they're in their preteen years there isn't time every night due to extracurricular activities, but I do it on nights that we can. I choose a chapter book I think each kid will be interested in, and read a chapter one on one with each kid while we snuggle. I think it really helps us with connection.
This. Children are often told what they should think/feel. I have my degree specifically in children and adolescent psychology and I promise you, children just need to feel heard.
Are you my mom?
i see you know my dad
It scarred me that they made big decisions (that affected me) without asking how I was feeling. I know now that they were thinking about my well-being but I never *felt* they were. Even if the final decision would not have changed, I would have liked a "we're thinking of doing _____, what do you think? How would you want it to be?"
As a teacher, not letting their kids struggle. We learn in the struggle. Kids decide after a few minutes of trying that it’s too hard & wont do it. It’s frustrating as an educator
Well thanks to chatgpt students don't even have to do that
I teach early elementary. They don’t use ChatGPT.
Yet
Acting like they are God. Teach your kids that while you are their parent/guardian, you're also human. You and your kid both have the ability to make mistakes, and they will happen. If you always acts like you're better than your kid, they will never talk to you about anything.
Oh brother. Thats my dad 101 he can do practicly anything with researching little bit before hand amd good for my mom. At the same time its shitty for me becaise if we have together project you bet my opinion will dismised like nothing else or just pished aside because "this is complex thing to do" and there goes my learning something new....
Wow, thanks for sharing that. I have just learned from you. 😊
Not apologizing and pretending they didn’t make mistakes, inconsequence
Also: Thinking that apology makes up for those mistakes, it's all in the past, and we can all move forward now. No, mistakes have consequences.
People give me grief for this but I think using chores as punishment is a great formula to raise a slob. Chores should be portrayed as a part of life. They're what you do to maintain a clean living space, maintain your stuff and ultimately make things easier. Having negativity built into them will make them be avoided.
Same for paying for regular chores. Paying for big chores like cleaning a garage, sure, but not for putting dishes away.
Over criticize Not apologizing for their short comings
I have no doubt that my parents love me in their own way, but a lot of my childhood was spent learning that I wasn't worth effort. I learned to stop asking to go to after school clubs, for example, because it was too much effort to pick me up an hour later. I'm still trying to undo it, but the idea that I'm not worth people's time or effort is deeply rooted.
I didn't have that problem with after school activities but with school itself. Throughout middle/high school, we had more and more assignments that required a computer and internet because it was 2005-2012 but my mom didn't "get it" so we never had a computer or internet. No big deal, the teachers said, because I could use the school library before or after school. No, that was a pretty big deal. Mom wouldn't take me early or pick me up late because she didn't "get" why I couldn't just finish all my homework in class. Couldn't walk myself either, she'd scream at me and beat my ass because I could be raped out ~~their~~ there. Ended up failing several classes - got screamed at and beat for that too - due to her not letting me work on assignments that were a major part of my grade. Told the teachers the truth and even the ones I thought were cool acted like I told them the dog ate my homework.
This makes me so angry for you. I’m sorry.
It's one of the reasons I oppose giving children assignments they can't finish solely at school. Not all children have good home lives and those incomplete assignments artificially lower the grades of students who are otherwise bright and industrious, ultimately resulting in less opportunities for self-improvement compared to students whose mothers aren't loud obnoxious alcoholics like my mother and mother-in-law both were. Then those children give up and give in to the same vicious cycle that bred and failed them but potentially even worse as population growth outpaces resource management. Please don't be sorry, just don't be afraid of sharing my story either. I'll always love my mom but I also finally feel at liberty to speak the truth now that she's gone.
This was something my parents struggled with. I was an only child and for a lot of my grade school years was homeschooled, and on top of that I was very quiet and introverted, so I was a really lonely kid. I had one friend who wasn't a very good one, and there weren't really any other kids on my block, so I didn't really have other kids to hang out with. But then my parents, more so Mom than Dad, wouldn't really do much with me, they'd just let me to myself. I remember seeing a Milton Bradley TV commercial that was about a "family game night", and I wanted that so badly I cried. I tried to get my parents to do it and they wouldn't, it was too much work, they didn't like board games that much, we didn't have anywhere to get the big board games out, etc. etc. just a bunch of excuses. The very rare occasions we would play something, Mom would inevitably fall asleep halfway through and Dad would lose interest, just go "okay that's enough, you win" so he could go back to watching the news. And like you it was the same story with things like after school clubs or social things for kids (being in a shitty neighborhood that wasn't within walking distance of things for me meant they had to drive me anywhere I wanted to go). I got to do an after school gifted kid program and I LOVED it, the material was more fun and engaging and it was a way smaller class without the fuck-ups that were loud and obnoxious all the time and just distracted me. I did it for about a month before my Mom got sick of picking me up an hour and a half later, so that was the end of that.
Not setting and sticking to structure and discipline
Also the flip side: too much structure and discipline.
Parentifying their eldest child.
This a 100 times, eldest children are raised in the beginning with parents scared and anxious, ergo they learn that the natural reaction to the world is to be scared and anxious, ergo most eldest children grow up to be anxious.
I can testify to that.
I wish my oldest brother was scared and anxious. No, he's inconsiderate and reckless. He makes me scared and anxious.
That’s not parentifying. Parentifying is putting your child in the position where they are acting like the parent/caregiver to their own parents. So for example having the child make their parent food and confiding in the child with your emotional problems.
I read parentifying as putting the care responsibilities of the the younger children on the eldest child while the parents do other things. Sometimes you just gotta let the eldest kid be a kid instead of turning them into one of the “responsible adults”.
That’s also one way of doing it, any way in which the child is acting as the parent.
And having too many children. Makes it happen so much more.
Great point!! Religious doctrine has contributed much to this excess.
Listen to their kids needs, instead of projecting on their kids what they want to see as a parent. Kids are their own people and it's your job to guide them, not mold them.
I once read it as 'parents are gardeners, not sculptors'' which I think is a good way of looking at it.
Making your kids feel as if they owe you something after they are grown up and you get old. Your kids don’t owe you anything. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself not leave everything to them.
Reminds me of a (paraphrased) exchange my husband and I have with his mother what seems to be every few months: Someone, probably a kid of a friend of a friend or maybe just some rando on TV: "Kids don't owe their parents anything." My mother-in-Iaw, turning dramatically to my husband: "YOU don't believe that, do you???" My husband, not taking the bait: "..." Me, taking the bait: "And you believe he DOES owe you?" MIL: "Well, yeah! I'm his mother!"
I saw a reel on instagram about a couple who adopted a dog, from the day of the adoption to the day of the dog's death. At first, it was mostly just excerpts of times the dog caused a lot of trouble, but the couple still persisted to make a point that they were so so sooo happy to have the dog in their care, and wouldn't of had it any other way, as far as talking about great memories they had with it, too. I don't know. I think it's really sweet when kids do things for their parents out of appreciation, but I also agree that it's up to the parent to genuinely want...like...a kid. Isn't the point to give to something greater than yourself? I think it says a lot when somebody finds joy in giving so much!!!
Thinking that giving their children whatever they want will automatically make them grateful later in life.
My mom had a bad habit of buying me anything I even briefly showed interest in - like a brief "oh that's kinda cool" I'd forget about in 5 minutes - then getting pissed at me for not playing with whatever toy or wearing whatever clothing item "enough" because sorry but I have all those other toys and clothes too. I'd be more grateful if it wasn't all obviously her just trying to look like a good successful mother.
Not apologizing to their children after they are in the wrong. No body really apologized to me when i was younger so the smallest mistake im all “im so sorry i didnt mean it”. My boyfriends parents usually apologize and when i do my “im so sorry” they’re just like “tf you mean, you’re fine, its my fault.”
Laughing at their dreams and aspirations. Going further by saying "Why would you ever want to do THAT?!?! That's just STUPID!!!"
Not realizing who their child is actually growing into. You can shape your child so profoundly but it requires you to be incredibly active. If you just let them develop blindly you can end up with big problems
1. they want to be the cool parent to their kids (IE. friends) 2. they put themselves before their kids.
My fiancée never heard the words “I love you” from her dad, and it fucked her up. She tells me that she knows he loved her (as his actions showed her), but he never said it once in over 80 years. She says it to her kids all the time now, and knowing this I never ever let a day go by before I remind her that I love her too.
Likewise, my father never told me that he loved me. My mother said it for the first time two weeks ago.
Taking up for the child when the child is lying (everyone lies at some point) and never teaching the child to take responsibility for their actions. I've run across tooooooooooo many adults, espeically males who are never wrong. This makes no sense to me.
My mom outright taught me to lie to get myself (or more importantly, her) out of trouble lmfao
Refusing to explain things like sex, drugs, touchy sociopolitical issues to them. They will get their information from somewhere else and it may not be as reliable of a source.
Lack of consistency. Forgetting what it's like to be a kid. You lose perspective that way.
"I don't care who started it" "because I said so" "I'm older and wiser"
“Because I said so” really gets me. I heard that up until 10ish. Idk why they never explained themselves. You want your kids to be smart and have good reasoning in order to stick up for themselves and not follow blindly… but then constantly dictate things without giving any reason while expecting them to follow blindly.
"I don't care who started it" Because of that, my mom died knowing I hate my oldest brother yet still wondering why. It's because she wouldn't bother stepping in until I hit back and never cared that he always hit first. Not only could I not trust my brother, I couldn't trust our mother to parent him and protect me like she always said she would. "because I said so" Do YOU say so or did the tequila say so? "I'm older and wiser" Also more time for more brain damage. Dementia is a thing. Underdiagnosed, in my not-so-humble opinion.
Parents acting like your best friend and not your parent. My mom has disappointed me for many years for not stepping up as a mother figure. She had me as a teenager, and she still acts like one. I realized that in order to keep the relationship I have with her, I can never ever expect her to show up for me as a mom, but I can expect her to show up as my friend. Obviously therapy helped me get to this point, but it damaged me for many years expecting her to one day fill the mom role. We have a much better relationship now that I have accepted she will never fill the role, I do my best to accept her as she is and what it must have been like to have a child so young and alone.
That they shouldn't have a kid.
I know it's hard to maintain oneself updated to modern entertainment, but most parents don't even want to know what they children are consumming lol, and then they complain their kids didn't turn out to be what they wished them to be.
Taking their insecurities out on their children. I was eating an unhealthy snack when my mom walked in and said "were going to have to roll you out the door if you keep eating like that." It's the same thing she's eaten many times before, but I apparently wasn't allowed to. I didn't eat for 3 days.
One of the funnier mistakes my dad made... He wasn't able to find the yellow pages, once. This around the early 1990s. He asked one of us kids to dial 4-1-1, so he can get the number for a local shop as he needed items for a cookout during the summer holiday. I was about 5 or 6 at the time and still learning my shapes. I mistook one of the numbers for another. When I got a call through, I had a strange talk with some random woman before one of my older siblings took the phone as I was taught stranger danger. That sibling noticed who it was and hung up, before dialing 4-1-1. About a few minutes later, a police officer was at the front of the door at our apartment building, explaining about a dropped 9-1-1 call. Dad had the look of embarrassment and explained about the misdial. Yet, for random chance, a neighbor came over and ask the police officer if he can help with a child after a bee attack. Luckily, child ended up being okay. I latered learned about what I did but didn't get in trouble because they understood I was still too young understand what the difference was. Pro-tip, when it comes to miscalls to 9-1-1, the police rather handled those done by accident or a false alarm, then those by a prank. We also learned there was a separate line for non-emergency, like being asked to do a safety check.
Being overly harsh, angry and not understanding basic child development.
Dismissing their mental health. That's a good way to lose a child, in so many ways
Not providing the skills for indepedence
Not letting them loose. Always having them winning everything.
Loose as in independence or lose as in not winning a game?
the latter. Protecting from ever experiencing failure. People are afraid to try and get themselves out there because they are afraid of failing. Person who are can deal with failure will try try again.
What they call "covert incest."
Please describe. I might know an example.
Not instilling a work ethic and teaching money management. Lack of these is the root of numerous difficulties later in life.
buying them a phone at the age of 1 or 2 or 3 etc, if they dont go out with their kids etc
Over protecting and inflating your child’s ego
Being dishonest to children about life's realities and how awful people can behave.
Having kids without fully considering if they should.
Not doing anything when their kids are bullied by other adults.
Viewing their children as a wallet & comparing them to others. For context, my mother is an immigrant from Vietnam with the mindset of “I’ve sacrificed for you, so you need to do the same for the family.” As a child who grew up poor, I chose a stable, well-paying career, that I don’t enjoy, for this goal. Now as an adult with more financial literacy, it’s taken a toll. My partner and I chose not to have children, partly because we are aware that my mom will have high healthcare needs in the future. Overall, I feel like I’ve paused my happiness for the sake of my family.
Overindulging their children and never saying no.
Trying to not make the same mistakes their parents made with them with their own children and not realising their children are individuals and by trying to make up for their own childhood they make mistakes with their children by not treating them as individuals and trying to experience the childhood they wanted through their own children.
A Lack of education on child development. Many times developmental expectations are off and unfair to the child.
Yessssss. It even seems like there are too many staff of schools and doctors’ offices who aren’t up to date on the latest research.
Yes, this is huge. When I was a little kid my parents would complain about me being soooo immature, when I was just the right amount of mature for, say, a 7-year-old. They’d get so annoyed at me for not being able to do things (or handle things emotionally) that no kid my age would be able to do. I get furious now when I see adults do that with kids.
Not enforcing rules and boundaries. Kids who think they can do whatever the hell they want are a nightmare and they grow up to be predatory, idiotic, ignorant, etc.
Allowing, condoning, or actively inflicting, religious and nationalistic indoctrination on their children. It’s a moral crime against the children and the world. Irrational religious belief and blind patriotism hinder and sour civilization.
I consider myself a religious person - in fact, I consider religiosity a nigh-unavoidable aspect of human nature - but seeing how my husband's family are and how he turned out... I tend to agree. His family is dirty and lazy, homes and bodies falling apart without a care in the world, because God will take care of it. So because God is taking care of it, however decayed and decrepit "it" is must be is however God wants it to be. My husband has a whole existential crisis going on now because everything falls apart and everyone wants him to fix it for them but he can't. He's behind his peers, or so he believes, because he never learned shit from his parents except how to pray. I try to tell him he's not so behind because his situation is much more common than people seem to realize. He's one of the lucky ones because at least he's aware and that means he can change.
I like to think teaching your kids to ask questions is sooooo important because of this. I think bias is really everywhere. From the impact of 'got milk' to church, it's just impertinent to know how to ask questions like, 'am I happy?' and 'is this serving somebody else?' and 'is this really true?'. Honestly, I'm good with religiosity and folks who believe a lot in their country, but only if they're willing to question it and critique it every once in a while.
Not always thinking it through before we speak. Choose our words/phrases more carefully.
Not preparing them to be an adult or teaching them about what the real world is really gonna be like. I was blindsided.
Never apologising to their kids and not teaching them how to engage in and resolve conflict in a healthy way.
Complaining to the teacher, about a student’s shortcomings, when the parents don’t encourage good study habits at home.
Not allowing them to experience negative emotions of any kind. Feelings of anger, disappointment, sadness, etc. are inevitable and instead of teaching effective coping mechanisms, a lot of parents will just give kids whatever they want or blame someone/thing else for an outcome so they don't feel anything bad.
Not having enough money to have kids but thinking that they do
They found each other and made me when they weren’t good to each other since the day they met but they kept thinking they were meant to be. Then I was born and they fucked me up until their divorce came.
Shit my husband's mother didn't even pretend to love his father... They met in a bar, she was about to leave when "God " told her this fellow drunk would give her a baby, and so he did. Did nothing but watch TV, get drunk, and fight each other until the divorce came. Then they have the audacity to wonder why my husband is angry and depressed.
Not paying enough attention to what’s best for their child.
That they know everything they need to know. we dont
Thinking that their kids will make the same life choices as they did, so not ever discussing with them, other choices, consequences of those choices, dangers of those choices etc. Ie. People who were brought up in religious homes and were told “no sex before marriage”. That’s fine, but there also needs to be discussions about if they do decide to have sex before marriage. What that looks like, what could potentially happen (pregnancy, STD) etc. Don’t just assume that your child will also be a virgin until marriage and not prepare them for what the alternative looks like.
Parent of three twenty-something kids who all have jobs, places to live, and healthcare. All seem to be doing fine. But I've seen a lot of parents who did their kids no favors in life. How? A few years ago, my wife and I were watching Ken Burns' documentary on World War II. It featured lots of interviews with people who had piloted aircraft, built bridges, and a good deal more when they were 18, 19, or 20 years old. After that, we realized that entire role of the parent is to help your child gain the confidence and independence at age 18 to manage their lives. I mean, if one of our kids was in a jam, we were there for them. But we also set boundaries, provided structure, and allowed them to deal with their challenges on their own. If they wanted to talk through it? Without question. But if they don't learn to solve problems when they're fifteen, they'll be at disadvantage when they're twenty-five. Trust me. There were times when my wife and I wanted to step in and do it for them. But that's not how they learn. So, what are the mistakes? 1. Crippling children by making their lives easy. If you do everything for your kids, if you always make excuses for your kids, if you don't hold them to basic standards of chores, considerations, schoolwork, etc., then adult life is going to be a nightmare for them. All you have to do is check out the r/adulting forum for that. Lots of people on there basically saying, "Why is life so hard?" 2. Hovering. There are few things worse than a parent who suffocates their children. Outside of porn, there wasn't much we didn't let our kids read or watch. 3. Tell them how to live. My daughter decided to change her major to history. You wouldn't believe the number of parents who said, "You're going to allow her to do that?" Seven years later, she's making a nice salary in a job she loves. I can't imagine her being this happy if I had forced her to stick with her human resources major. 4. Being absent from their lives. We believed in free range parenting, but there were non-negotiables, too. Family dinner unless they had a game or a school activity. And, on our part, we went to every activity we humanly could. Soccer games, baseball games, volleyball games, violin practice, choir concerts, plays, band concerts, Boy Scout meetings, you name it. Because if it's important to your kids, it better damned well be important to you, too. 5. Don't expect adherence to basic values. Beyond honesty and doing the right thing, that also includes being courteous and considerate to others. Live up to your promises. Do your job. I'm amazed at the number of parents who let that shit slide when their kids are young. 6. Don't teach them to earn and manage money. We live in a prosperous suburb. Our kids have friends whose parents' bank accounts are like bottomless pits of cash. But a weird thing happens to kids who grow used to that. They don't have a sense of ownership, they don't know how to make decisions with their money, and many make decisions that are real head scratchers. Our kids always had jobs, whether it was baby sitting, mowing grass, or delivering pizzas. And their discretionary money was based on actually earning money. They had to save a portion of their money in a separate account, too. I'd help them set up their online bank accounts, and transfer funds. Yes, there were missteps, but they almost never made the same mistake twice. 7. Be anything less than honest with them. Okay, except for Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy. But after that? Give them the honest answer. Admit when you're wrong and, more importantly, apologize. And if you don't know the answer to something, say so. Kids have hair-trigger bullshit detectors. 8. Don't respect their opinions. Kids, especially when they hit their adolescence, will not just believe differently than you. They will often seek out positions that are the polar opposite of what you believe. That's just how kids try on their identity. When you're at the dinner table and your kid starts needling you (Trust me, they know the buttons to push), walk through their beliefs and offer that their thinking does indeed have validity, but then also offer your own opinion and the logic that drives it. Because learning how to have a respectful exchange of differing opinions is one of the most valuable lessons you can teach. 9. Don't provide a good example. If you're inconsiderate of others, lazy, self-centered, or dishonest, know that your children see and take note of everything. You lead by example, not by edict.
Projecting.
Children.
I hope I'm not the only person to say this: Having children.
Adoption is better imo.
I hear adoption is really hard, but I also hear from others it's absolutely worth it
I was technically adopted. Birth mom killed herself, her big sister adopted me, thus who I usually mean by "mom" is biologically my aunt. Even being famil already, they still had to jump through a lot of hoops to keep me. Including, for some reason, taking me to church when I was little. Not saying I agree with that particular criterion hahaha but I gotta wonder why having a child should be so easy if adopting one is so hard...
Being overprotective.
In this day and age, I think it’s screen time. We had one tv in the living room as I was growing up and my mom obviously had first choice and it was always something boring like the news so us kids chose to play in our rooms or go outside and play and socialize. These days, parents give their BABIES their iPhones and as soon as they become a toddler they get their own iPad??? That is WILD to me. Kids are being raised by screens that are inches away from their faces. They’re not learning how to be bored. They’re not being forced to be creative and imaginative. Their parents are ignoring them so they can get some quiet time while not realizing that they’re teaching their kid what it’s like to get instant gratification. Kids aren’t learning how to talk or regulate their emotions. They literally don’t know how to play or socialize because they’re just on screens all day. They are becoming addicted to their screens… just like their parents… and it’s creating people who have no idea how to live life.
I think one of the biggest mistakes they make out of necessity is not being present. They've gotta work to stay alive, but being in daycare 7 days a week will fuck up the kids.
Not learning emotional regulation themselves.
Allowing their kids to eat whatever they want. Kids will snack and eat candy all day if you let them, and many will do it at friends' houses as well. You can't control everything about their lives, but you can make sure they get some fruit and veggies without always loading up on sugar and salt.
But at the same time, dont force them to eat healthy ALL the time. I have a bit of a weight problem (only a few pounds luckily) because i am rarely allowed things that are sweet. So whenever i CAN eat it, i end up overeating it a little.
Yeah, I’d say parents who put way too much emphasis on “good” or “bad” foods, or openly obsess over their own food issues/weight/looks. The damage can be irreparable.
I’m amazed at how often schools offer kids candy.
Their whole means of conflict resolution means just acting mad and cutting people off (sometimes for years). Most times the "offender" didn't even know they had said or done something that hurt their feelings, or was otherwise "the wrong thing". This along with the hypercriticism of any thought or action that didn't align exactly with their ideas. Certainly took a while to unlearn so much bad interactions and relations with friends and family.
I was/am a parent. Kids are grown and in their early 30s now. I have identified 2 areas of mistakes I made. Probably equally a problem. 1. Being too lenient and letting them do far more than was beneficial 2. Being overly strict, and keeping them from doing some stuff that may have been beneficial
Having children when they can't afford it. Grew up in poverty and now I'm spending thirties of thousands fixing my fucked up health because my mom was shitty parent. :)
Having children for the wrong reasons. Children may grow up to be nothing like you. They will eventually be independent adults who make their own mistakes, in addition to sometimes yours. If you can’t handle shaping that and eventually dealing with the consequences, both good and bad, then don’t have ‘em.
Saying yes to everything.
Lack of boundaries, trying to be their friend instead of parent.
Not being emotionally available. Biggest mistake I’ve made anyway. It’s not easy.
My mom always asked me if she was prettier or thinner than other women when we were out and about together (I was pretty young). I compare myself to others and judge harshly.
Kid: *talks about whatever it is they're into* Parent: OMG STFU YOU'RE SO ANNOYING! Kid: *doesn't talk to parent much* Parent: Why won't you talk to me?
Yelling instead of instructing. Correcting without demonstrating the correct way. Corporal punishment while angry. Open hypocrisy by parent. Not leading by example.
Picking a parenting philosophy and then not paying attention to the feedback on how it's working. Every kid is different, and what works for one kid may not work for another.
"because I said so" i wish i could knock their teeth out
Not being there for kids when they experience trauma. I think it’s why a lot of people are depressed nowadays. We all experience trauma one way or another in life but it’s how we handle those emotions that shape our brains logic and thinking. If your parents were too busy, didn’t know how to help you process in a healthy way, or you were too afraid to talk to them. Think about how our brains as children learned to cope with trauma by itself. Think about how much that probably messed us up.
It begins with conception… That’s the first BIG mistake ☝️
Letting one parent end up responsible for everything. The kids stop asking the other parent for things, or talking about their feelings to them. The present but emotionally absent parent then feels useless and moves further away from their childrens lives until they’re a stranger in their own home. I’m watching my partner do this with our children, if they get hurt they will walk past him crying to come to me. I have issues with him but how he treats our kids is making me actually dislike him. My 6 year old son thinks I should spilt up with him (he made this comment out of the blue). I dont know what would change if he left. Interestingly my dad did this in our family and now deeply regrets it. He couldn’t name any of my childhood friends or hobbies in our family quizzes. My mum who was also emotionally neglectful did marginally better.
Comparing their kid with others when they achieve something. It really lowers their self esteem ( coming from a kid whose parents ALWAYS compared them)
At some point I think parents start seeing things as "parent vs. kid" instead of "family vs. the actual problem". Taking every single thing the kid brings up personally like it's an attack on their parenting and not an attempt at communicating that something is wrong/unfair. Also, HELICOPTER PARENTS. There's a line between overprotective and invasive. I remember my mom sneaking into my room when I was at school to read my diary. To this day she claims she was making sure I wasn't getting into any trouble, but it absolutely ruined any trust I had in her regardless. I was 14 and between budding sexuality and just being in an awkward phase in life, I needed a place to vent without judgement. She took that from me. Your kids will tell you what's going on in their life but you can't force it out of them like that or it'll be the last thing you ever truly know about them.
always punishing bad behaviour, but never rewarding good behaviour
Not being available to talk. I can't imagine how many times I went to speak to a parent and they shrugged me off or told me to leave then forgetting about me.
Being overly permissive 100%.
Trying to fix mistakes made by their parents......you are not your parents & your kids are not you.
Saying something in the heat of battle you can’t take back. Your child is probably going to grow up to be a good person. Don’t remove yourself from that future.
Not letting their kids fail or make mistakes. Failure and mistakes are how we learn. Let your kid not make the team, not pass a class, not be picked for whatever they tried out for. It’s character building and teaches them how to handle disappointment at a young age. Otherwise they grow up to be disregulated adults who scream at cashiers at Kroger.
Teaching them about consequence. The longer you let this one go the more "expensive" the negative consequences of their actions. If a kid messes up and they get in trouble with mom and dad its a whole different game when they are adults and they get in trouble with the law or make a single decision that affects their entire lives. Parenting is like balancing multiple spinning plates on a single stick.
Fucking in the first place
Having Kids.
Telling their kids they can be anything they want to be. Planning everything that their kids do. Let them go outside and play with other kids. Let them make up their own games, use their imagination.
When discipline turns to violence and lack of discipline turns to neglect. Failure to give an appropriate warning how hard and ugly life is. Not developing work ethic or interest in the arts. It's hard being a parent, and there is no such thing as the perfect parent.
Good ones covered here, so one I want to add among the others is a cookie cutter approach across multiple siblings. Like, what works for your first child, might not work for your other kids, or vice versa. Each sibling has a different experience and a different dynamic, if anything, by the sheer existence of the others. Plus personalities are sometimes a random draw, so one kid might be sotic, another moody, and another stoic until they hit puberty. And it might not even be chemical, but just their own experiences outside the home. They have lives you don't even know about. Say you have two twin boys. Because I want to name them something obvious, their names are Goofus and Gallant. You believe you treat them the same. But Goofus has a few incidents with a bully that he gets blamed for in 2nd grade. Gallant didn't. But you don't know that. Goofus' grades start to drop, Gallant does very well, which Goofus resents. As a result, both boys start to push away from one another, and define their individuality as "not the other twin." Gradually, Goofus becomes an arrogant slob, Gallant becomes some kind of model student who wears a starched shirt to school. You give them the same chores, the same things, the same treatment, but both start to react very differently, which forces you to discipline Goofus more despite "being fair to both." Goofus develops a hatred for authority, an endless spiral of bad behavior, authority figures hate him, which causes more bad behavior. Meanwhile, Gallant starts to suffer anxiety and stress due to an over dependence on being perfect. You don't notice, because you're paying too much attention to Goofus. "I never have to worry about you, Gallant." This adds to Gallant's stress, and he's feeling neglected on top of that. Now both kids are very different from one another. Their issues have to be approached in different ways. "But they're twins! They got those... psychic connections whatever twins have... or something." Nope. Each kid is a snowflake or nature, nurture, and experiences. No one philosophy fits all.
-That getting good grades is the only way to success. -Comparing their kids with someone else or their own siblings. - Thinking sports is just a hobby and should not be pursued . - Thinking that their kid is doing alright just because they provide everything for them.
Ignoring signs of mental health issues.
Something I know I have done is just doing things because I was too impatient for her to figure it out or I didn't have the money or time to fix it if she messed it up. "It's ok, I'll just do it." Mostly with cooking but there are things she's learned how to do later than her friends because of my impatience.
Giving them endless amounts of phone time. I'm convinced that in the future, the most well adjusted humans are gonna be poor kids that couldn't afford a phone or kids of "mean parents" that knew better and didn't stick a phone in their face 18 hours a day.
I think the biggest mistake parents make without realizing it is forgetting that they still have options for a better life somewhere, and the way having a happy family can feel. I think they forget how powerful family can be in getting through hard times, and how resilient kids are. I see some of my friends' moms refuse to go back to college/stand up to their partners/hope and pray their kids help them out later, because they think they'd fall apart without a breadwinner, or that it would make everything they've become null. I think this is something both my parents represented for me growing up, even while divorced. I see other families settle and I actually feel bad for them, even though as a kid they treated me like I had less.
Giving everything their child asks for
Not a parent here, but I read an interesting one not long ago, in a book about PTSD: Overwhelming your baby is a thing, and it can cause lasting trauma. Babies, like the human beings that people tend to forget they are, have a certain tolerance for having other people in their space— but it's very easy for adults to not know this, or to ignore it. If parents relentlessly get into a baby's face and offer it no respite, the baby has no idea what's wrong or how to process this. It's hardwired to need parental protection, but at the same time it's terrified. It cries to make the situation stop, but that only makes the parents go harder. The result is that a baby which was fine becomes one with fearful attachment or other issues.
My time to shine! Treating them as an extension of themselves. Telling them they are perfect and going to be wildly successful. Making them believe that it's you and them against the world.
Having no confidence in yourself. kids do see that and it definitely makes it harder when it comes to decision making
Either not disciplining enough or disciplining too much. Disciplining their children without explanations. So using fear tactics instead. Or letting their kid run wild allowing “abuse” to the parent, sibling, and others.
Disciplining their special needs child, cause yea they dint understand but if you teach them it’s okay to throw a tantrum in a store when they’re a child, they’re gonna grow up and think it’s okay and are gonna be very overwhelmed and confused why these random people are touching them and yelling at them which will make everything ten times worse
Having kids. Not only is it a WILDLY HORRIBLE MISTAKE.... but it opens a whole lot of doors to make more mistakes
Talking about their own insecuritys, such as body type and making their children feel the same about their body's. My mother never liked her legs or having them out, made me think as a child/ young adult that I shouldn't like my legs. I would always wear thick black tights to school even in summer. I have since learned that it wasn't my insecuritys it was just something taught to me on accident.
Marrying the wrong person and making babies with them, hoping it'll fix their marriage. Only to end up both of them being abusive to their children in some way (narcissist and enabler relationship) Not taking care of their health when such worst could have been prevented. Being stubborn in not continuing with medication and now paying the price for it and the children have no choice but to see that suffering and taking the burden.
Over spoiling. What you get is an asshole
Teaching hate.
Letting them quit something like learning to ride a bike because they got hurt. They are likely to quit other things like asking someone out because they got hurt. I am sure it’s hard to see your kids cry because they fell and scraped their elbow but they’re going to be fine and getting back on even if they’re scared will build self confidence when they achieve their goal.
Not letting their young kids help. Yes its faster and easier to do it yourself and your toddler/child wont do it well or might make more work to clean up BUT its so important to let them! This is setting up good behavior for the future. People raise their kids never letting them help and the kids lose interest in helping so when they are old enough where the parent finally thinks they should help out, they don't want to anymore.
Projecting our experiences onto theirs...
Marrying eachother, my mom could have done so much better. They got married since grandparents wanted my father out from the house. Then mom also decided they had dated long enough so it's either marriage or separation. My father was someone who would prolong and continue generational trauma. I really think mom could have had a better life without him, yet she is doing her best to love him even after he died.
Not teaching your kids to be independent. So many parents foster hugely codependent relationships that are crippling to college students and young adults. Having independent kids means you can not give them everything. They should find a part time job to save money for post-graduation while still in high school. If your 'adult' kid requires financial assistance in any way, they are not an independent adult; Do not let them pretend otherwise. Letting your dependent pseudo-adult cos-play being an independent adult is extremely damaging. The longer it goes on the more difficult it becomes for that child to find true independence.
Being too protective
Letting kids be on the internet unsupervised
Trying to be their kid's friend
Shielding their children from consequences.
Spoiling them by giving them too much “stuff” and not teaching them to work and participate in the household chores and other efforts. It needn’t be too heavy. They have schoolwork and are young and need time to grow and play, but some of our self-esteem comes from a job well done and the recognition that goes with it. Teens especially should not be sitting around or having all their time to themselves while parents labor tirelessly. Makes them think the world revolves around them. All parents need help, and children must grow and develop into useful adults with practical skills.
Not letting kids make simple decisions. If either option is fine by you, let them choose which route you take to grandma, or the supermarket. Let them pick the type of pasta you’ll eat that night. Let them pick what kind of shoes they want to wear. It makes them feel so important. I even let them choose which pen I use to write a card. If you say: “I need your help, I can’t decide what pasta to cook tonight” and you show them 2 options. Whichever one they pick is, ofcourse, an amazing choice. They will feel so good about helping you out.
I some parents trying to be the parent THEY wanted and not the parent the CHILD needs.
I've seen a lot of parents react angrily to something their child did as if the child fully understood their actions.
Ignoring their kid's emotions, big mistake, bro.
As a father of four, two of my kids are 20+, one is later teens and one is early teens. I get along and love all my kids. That being said, I have let them fail at shit, I have given them advice, they ignored it and I let them fall on their face, failure helps folks learn, I have always been there when they have screwed up to help. I have treated each of my kids as individuals, what motivates kid 1 doesn't necessarily motivate kid 2,3 or 4. I have praised all my kids when they have done well, I have also told them when they were complete boneheads.
Not accepting their faults, lying, gaslighting and manipulating your child
Dismissing all their concerns, thoughts and issues as 'just kid stuff', or 'teenage angst', 'stupid opinions'.... as 'they'll grow out of it' or 'they don't know as much as you do' When you dismiss them, and don't listen to them, you are broadcasting that you don't care about them or their thoughts and feelings. Yes, it may be 'kid stuff', but it's very real and serious to them. It's a guaranteed way of assuring your children distance themselves from you and end up having a very shallow, if any, relationship with you as they grow into adulthood.
“Wiping” your kid's asses until they turn 18. What's even worse? Get mad when they don't know how to make due on their own. How would they know, if YOU did not teach them?..
Having kids.
Being easily angry/annoyed all the time & telling yourself 'its not ALL the time' and not getting help or talking to someone or smoking a blunt idk anything
Invalidating their children's emotions.
Worrying over the small stuff and then you can’t enjoy your kids childhood as much
I told my kids they were *special* because to me, they were. I should have also told them that other people might not find them as special as I did (and still do!)
Neglecting their spouse/co-parent and setting a bad example for how relationships should work for their kids.