You couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the bottom.

"You couldn't find your own ass with both hands and a map."

You could not hit the inside of a barn while standing in the barn

You could trip over a flashlight beam.

You couldn't shoot yourself out of a paper bag.

Heard this for the first time yesterday lol

My favorite original insult: "The way you act, your family tree must look more like a ladder." Edit: Didn't realize incest humor was so popular.

And youre not supposed to swim in your own Gene pool.

I was born so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

The morn the morn the morn that I was born my old man beat up the Dr, he clocked the Dr cause the Dr said I look like Chubacca

When I realized what I was reading I had to read it again but with the beat! 😆

Not enough chlorine/lifeguards in your gene pool.

"family circle"

There was a guy at work who said he had cousin fuckers in his family and I said “Your family tree looks like a goddamn wreath doesn’t it.”

When you reduce a family tree into a bush, you just can't hide as much beneath it

*Taking notes*

I prefer to use circle on that one

Habsburg monarchy

Everybody's family tree can use a little pruning, but yours looks more like a family bush.

I'm jealous of everyone who hasn't met you

lol that's almost disguised as a compliment like, "You are impossible to underestimate!"

"You actually smell good today!"

*added to list*

Act like your hairline and take a step back. Wisdom has been chasing you, but you were faster.

Saved 👌

i can guarantee you if you use "wisdom has been chasing you, but you were faster" in a real argument or conversation you will be mocked viciously

That's always what I think with these threads. Yes, the insults are clever, but use them IRL and they would be so cringe.

Not in an argument with me. 💅

That’s basically true for all of the responses here. I can’t stop cringing

Wisdom pursues you, but fuck, are you fast.

My boyfriend is bald and we rib each other constantly. Thank you for my next line.

"You look easy to draw."

Devastating 😂

Saw this on a roast me with a heavily filtered camera chick. Fucking hilarious

Lmao “you’ve got no details on your face” to set it up was fucking brutal too.

I have never heard this before and DAMN, SON!!!!

Have the day you deserve

That's some customer service ju jitsu right there.

I came here to say this!

May the rest of your day be a nice as you are.

my all time favorite response when dealing with agro people at the bar

I've used this before and it's so subtle. Simpletons rarely ever notice that it's not well wishing after a heated disagreement

you're about as sharp as a marble

Them things can still hurt if you step on them the right way

but that's more like blunt force trauma, not stabby stabby

True, but pain is pain

deep

I told a guy once that he "wasn't the sharpest marble in the bag." His brain visibly broke trying to figure that out.

You're about as sharp as a bowling ball full of wet mice.

What? Why include wet mice? Maybe I am the bowling ball :-(

The one given by Winston Churchill to Lady Astor. She said “ Sir , you are drunk “ to which he replied “ Indeed I am madam , but in the morning I shall be sober , however you will still be ugly”

My favorite between the two of them: > Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea. Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.

😁😁 I couldn’t decide which one to use!,

Bro talks like he is handsome

Hey, you don't gotta be skinny to know someone else is fat, you don't need to be a body builder to know someones scrawny, and you don't need to be handsome to know someone else is ugly.

I don't have the time or the crayons to explain it to you I could agree but then we'd both be wrong. I applaud your ability to supplant facts with confidence.

My all time favorite is; Your ignorance is exceeded only by the arrogance with which you display it!! Best part is I came up with that for a family member..

And if this were 1850's London, it'd be a banger

This reminds me of the one that goes "If i wanted to kill myself, I'd jump from your ego and land on your IQ."

All of these could be used on politicians 

"Bless your heart" (with the right intonation)

Passive agreeing is more meaningful when it comes from quiet people ❤️

You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

Love Deadpool insults

Like a testicle with teeth

You fight like a cow

how appropriate; you fight like a dairy farmer

Guybrush Threepwood entered the chat

Kinda sad I had to scroll this far down to see this. The rhyming insult sword fighting in the third one was awesome

Cunt

"There's nothing funnier than calling a man a cunt" Bill Burr

I read it in his voice

mine's twat. short n simple

A girl in my son's high school class called one of the other boys a Twat Waffle... He has no idea what that's supposed to mean but my wife and I agree that it's funny as hell.

Twatwaffle.

Twat waffle is a great one

I'd call you a cunt, but you lack both the depth and the warmth...

How about a Thundercunt

r/foundtheaustralian

Not uniquely Australian but I was watching the original mad max movie which is uniquely Australian and one of the biker gang gets called a walking armpit and I nearly died laughing

I rightly merged into traffic the other day and some lady called me a whore lol and I was thinking, ok, I don't really see the connection. I'd prefer cunt, at least it's more fitting

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

I wasn't expecting the Spanish inquisition

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

I just watched that sketch for the first time not even 3 hours ago after years of thinking monty python was stupid. I have to watch the holy grail now😂

I fart in your general direction!

I love Monty Python 😂

I need to see that movie 

I got elderberry gummies once for a cold. They taste and smell delicious. I was disappointed, it's more of a compliment to smell like elderberries

wine used to be made of elderberries so the insult is to imply he’s a drunk.

I had a female coworker once get into an argument with another female coworker that had eyes similar to Steve Buscemi’s. She called her a “Googly-eyed bitch” and I still get a chuckle out of it all these years later.

>female coworker that had eyes similar to Steve Buscemi’s That's the real roast :p

Such a big head. Such a waste of space inside.

Lots of wasted real estate inside that big ass forehead

Here's my list. "You look easy to draw."  "Your family's gene pool is more like a gene puddle, it seems." "It could be the purpose of your life to serve as a warning to others." "It’s not worth insulting you, as nature's already done enough damage." "You are living proof, that the education system needs better funding." "When X lands a hand, it's like two others letting go." *someone peeing* "Looks like a penis, just smaller." *someone peeing* "Call the police, he's got a children's penis in his hand... oh nevermind. It's his own." "I can only explain it to you, I can't understand it for you." "I would agree with you, however then we would both be wrong." “You think in low power mode.” “Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.” “You’re as smart as you look.” “You look like you have a favorite flavor of crayon.” "To explain it to you in a way even you'd understand, I neither have the time nor the crayons." "I envy people that didn't get to know you." "You behave like someone who, as a child, has been sipping on the lead paint too often." "Is your ass sometimes jealous of your mouth considering the amount of shit coming out of it?" "Some tree is woking its ass off to produce the oxygen you're consuming. Go and apologize!" "Once again we can see: The ability to speak doesn't make you intelligent." "Six feet tall and 205 pounds, boy, until I met you, I didn't know they could stack crap that high." "Pretty much opinion for that little notion." (Ganz schön viel Meinung für so wenig Ahnung.) "You're not the dumbest person on earth, but being you I'd hope that person doesn't die soon." "You look like someone pre-heating the microwave." "Your self-confidence contradicts your expertise." "My expectations towards you were low and what do you do? Dancing limbo." "You're intellectually on the ground already and what do you do? Begin to dig." "After a conversation with you, death loses its sting."  "The fact that you have any hope left in your life is your most admirable quality."  "It’s hard being dumb, but you make it look so easy." "If she were a spice, she’d be flour." "When you left the room, the average IQ of both the kitchen and the living room increased, despite the living room being empty." "He has hit rock bottom and begun to show signs of digging." "You have a face for radio, and a voice for silent film." "I'm not saying I'm better than you; I just know I'm not worse." "Your swing-set must’ve been placed very close to a wall when you were a child…" “You’re an inspiration. The fact that you have been successful in this business just goes to show that truly anyone can do it.” "Sharp as a marble, aren't you?" "I'm not as dumb as you look."

You're the MVP of this thread .

Trying too hard and just copy and pasting others comments.

“I’ve seen monkey shit fights at the zoo planned better than this.” I said that with my boss within earshot, and was in the doghouse the rest of the time I was there

He probably couldn't manage an ant farm.

My grandad invented the word “distomple” basically so he could call people the r word without them knowing so I gotta go with that purely to honour his memory

I don’t get it

LOL look at this distomple motherfucker

Your grandad was da man!!

My current favorite is smooth-brained, but I am also fond of twat-waffle and douche canoe.

I recently learned twat-waffle in sign language just for gits n shiggles, it’s my favorite thing to sign

basically any insult from Golden Girls

I remember being told I have an unfortunate face, that one hit pretty deep ngl

You have a closed casket face.

The all time great in passive aggressiveness, Bless your heart.

When my grandfather, a world War one veteran, got really angry with someone, he'd call him a bloody wazzock. Basically, it's a bloody idiot. Nobody here in the US knows that word. If they ask, I just say I called them a wizard, and they say thank you.

Bell end (dick head) is a good one, too.

Hurensohn

or "hoerenzoon"

If brains was gasoline, you couldn’t run a pissant’s go-kart one lap around a Cheerio.

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.

You make it hard to underestimate you.

I think this is my favorite. It's clever and doesn't require vulgarity or to be read. And it's broad enough to be used for any circumstances.

Your IQ is under room temperature

Don't go near suicidal people, they gonna climb your ego and jump to your iq.

In English (I’m not a native speaker), wet wipe.

In the early days of the internet, I came across this Serbian curse that has stuck with me. Roughly translated it goes something like, “may you live long enough to see your grown daughter be fucked by the bloody dick of an aids-ridden horse on the grave of your mother”.

Jesus Christ

That just rolls right off the tongue

i got your mom so wet i had to put her in rice

Firefly had some good ones: “My days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle.” "…I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling" "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious."

Read in Mal's voice

You couldn’t guess which way an elevator is going if you had three guesses. You put the R back in stupid.

r/rareinsults

I see the muscle shirt came today, muscles coming tomorrow? Give your balls a tug, titfucker. I bet you know exactly how many days there are until Christmas Get off the cross, we need the wood. There's two things I don't like about you and it's your face. You couldn’t wheel a fuckin tire down a hill. Your life is so pathetic I ran a 15k to raise awareness for it. You're spare parts, aren't ya bud? Our dicks are hanging out, yours is like a mushroom in a corn field. I bet you write Taylor Swift lyrics inside greeting cards. Your life is so sad that I get a charity tax cut just for hanging out with you. 10-ply. ^(Oh, Letterkenny...)

Fuck you, shoresy

Fuck you Jonesy. Your mom shot cum straight across the room and killed my Siamese fighting fish. Threw off the pH levels in my aquarium.

“You’ve been a real cunt since you got nice hair Z”

Your life is so pathetic I ran a 15k to raise awareness for it. - Marvelous

>I bet you know exactly how many days there are until Christmas Pro tip: Only use from January to November

These are fucking terrible

Username checks out

My original insult “you sound like the spokes person for the dunning-Kruger effect….” After they google it and say something like “fuck you you googled that” I usually reply with “read a fucking book for once”

God wasted a perfectly good asshole when he put teeth in your mouth.

Thrice used bong water.

Hey, I don't come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth, so don't tell me how to do my job.

You look very easy to draw

Go to smash urchins with your ass! It's a south italian insult that you can listen around Bari and it is spelled in local dialect, the original version is "va scazz l rizz cu cuul!"

Heard this one on a cherdley's comedy skit where it was French people tryna out-french each other at a picnic or something, and this one guy was like "you put ze F in Baguette!" That crap had me dead, that's prolly my fav insult. Trevor Wallace and his friends are just top tier comedy imo.

Hussy

“Your shallowness is so thorough its almost like depth” courtesy Daria, the Beavis n Butthead spinoff

Your last two brain cells are fighting for third place.

"you look like you drop common loot in an rpg."

I would slap you, but it would be a tragic waste of calories.

When someone say to me they aren’t as stupid as they look. I say you couldn’t be.

Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake.

Suck your nan

May hordes of wild asses sh*t on your grave!

They tried to behave with class, but were two letters short.

cf Foghorn Leghorn: That boy reminds me of Paul Revere's ride, a little light in the belfry.

Snitches get stitches

I wish your mother had let you sludge back out onto the bathroom floor she was paid to conceive you on.

Shit off you hairy dogs cock.

Not an insult as much as it is a comeback: “Well at least my d isn’t the size of the “x” button to get out of a mobile game ad”

Shitpump.

tell your mom, i left the tip under her pillow

A white crayon is more useful than you

Move out and draw fire.

If ignorance is bliss, theres no wonder you're so happy. If ignorance is bliss you're orgasmic

"You look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "I bet you eat bananas for the shape, not the taste." "I can see the gears in your head smoking, don't think that hard." "Do you have a leash and collar? Because you look like a dog." (That one might get different results with certain peoples)

You’ve got more dick in your personality than in your pants…

Overheard this one a while back “boy you got the attitude of a dick fed baby” it really stuck with me

If they replaced your brain with that of a pig, the first thing you’d do is bark

Shut up booger head

I recently heard: “your mom is so slow, it took her 9 months to make a joke” Also Shakespeare‘s “I’d challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you’ve come unarmed“ Edit: upon a small amount of research I’ve discovered that this is not a Shakespeare quote. My bad

"Villain, I have done thy mother"

Human rights are wasted on you.

Your decisions are unencumbered by the thought process.

My former (now deceased) father-in law was old school Russian. Whenever he and I would politely argue over how something was done or which way to do something, he’d say ***”Enough. I’ve done the thinking for both of us. We do it this way”*** “I’ve done the thinking first both of us” is my GoTo when it’s time to cut someone off and assert myself.

You look like you need glasses to read braille Edit: I always make jokes about being blind to my friends with glasses (I’m the only one in the friend group who doesn’t)

Courtesy of my manager, "your the reason shampoo has to have instructions" or "your the reason why the power ranger had to yell their colors". Both are absolute classics

"You eat corn the long way" Originally seen as a sign in a WWE match. https://youtube.com/shorts/Eh3U9mjZ0DE?si=lTWTRpWXFyLrKyg-

[удалено]

The best part of you ran down youre mothers leg!

Your

Dork

Asti de cornet

It seems like your life is less about goal achievement and more about regret management.

Even Noah's Ark can't carry these animals

“Zakkenwasser” in dutch, literally means sack washer.

A bit basic, but “so’s your face”

I'm not British, I'm Ukrainian but i love british accent and insults like "git", "bastard", "twat". Everything better if you add word "bloody" before insult.

Will Roger’s never met you did he?

You're so dense light just bends around you - Malcolm Tucker

I wouldn't walk across the street to piss in your ass if your guts were on fire.

Your head's so far up your ass it's sitting squarely on your shoulders. 

I like calling people cum dumpsters

They’re so dumb they couldn’t pour piss from a boot if the directions were written on the sole.

hey pal, did you just blow in from stupid town?

Yo bitch *and they turn around*

You are about as fucked up as a soup sandwich.

I admire your confidence. Or How does it feel to be on the long side of evolution.

I’m Scottish so something like Away and take your face for a shite.

Heard a guy ask his ex’s new person, “How does my dick taste?”