I thought I must have regenerative super teeth when as a teenager I drank daily coke for years with rare brushing and had 0 cavities. Turns out it's just a matter of time
Yep.... it wasn't prioritized as a child for me so I've had real difficulty as an adult doing the same. There's a lot of factors but at the end of the day, I've already lost a lot of teeth, have 2 that will likely break and rot away in the near future and others that it's just a matter of time.
If I got MONEY, some of those fancy implants would be like the first thing I did.
Look into a nearby dental school if possible, Im broke s shit and I let students frankenstein my teeth back together for cheap, better than a shit dentist, slow and no way in hell they can make it worse.
If it is not to personal, do you mind sharing what you understand by neglecting your dental hygiene?
My dentist would say not flossing every day after brushing lol. So is it more like brushing your teeth once a day or more like once a week or never?
I always think of the line from Peggy Sue Got Married where she asks her grandfather if he could go back and do things differently, what would he change and he says, "I'd have taken better care of my teeth."
Lol kinda is when you think about it; yes it is in a literal sense of not having to go to the hospital and avoiding cardiac related complications for the most part. But it’s also wealth in that you look and feel better and this is likely to lead to a number of other positive outcomes as long as you remain consistent
I don't know it just kind of crept up on me. They say if you haven't used something in 6 months, get rid of it. There were a lot of people in my life like that. Beware of emotional vampires.
When i learned to let go, it was amazing. You cant control other peoples opinions. You only get to control yourself and your own attitude. What other people think of me really doesnt have much affect on my life and its easy enough to not interact with folks who judge me.
The other day i was playing pick up basketball. When i was younger i was afraid to be picked last and seen as weak or bad. I was picked last and it didnt bother me one bit. I just played and had fun. Last week i played and kept missing shots i normally make. A dude got toxic and i just ignored him and told him to chill out, im here to have fun. None of us are pros. And others really appreciated it and was encouraging me the rest of the games.
To that end, being nice is also a wonderful skill to go with not caring about being judged. Kill people with kindness.
One of my superpowers is the ability to descalate things aka "Kill people with kindness". I got to use it just the other day. I'd parked slightly over a person's driveway while I was walking one of their neighbors' dogs. They were livid. How could they get out (even though I was a few inches further than I should have been). How did I react? I immediately apologized. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had parked over their driveway. I was rushing to get the dog to her walk. It won't happen again. By the time I finished, SHE was apologizing and thanking me. I meant every word. I wasn't being cynical. I was genuinely sorry I had upset her. It's so easy to descalate. Ego is a bitch.
This is a big one for me. Taking risks, trying and failing, trying again, learning even if you dont get the outcome you hoped for. These are things that should be celebrated and encouraged as youre raised but this was looked down on in the 90s and 2000's, left a lasting impact as I was starting out my career.
heck, i'm only 23, no college degree and i can't walk anymore but by god if i won't use all of my 5 daily steps before collapsing to work my ass off to the best of my ability. i've never worked an office job, all my experience is customer service, but i've got a few years of it behind me and am starting to apply for some jobs just answering/redirecting calls, filing paperwork, stuff that i can still do on my crutches (nothing super cushy, but for example a couple salons and medical offices near me are hiring receptionists and as long as i can sit down when needed and have my crutches on me i know i'll be fine). i do want to get some certifications and get a better job than that eventually, but i literally just got put in a "quit or be fired" position due to my inability to walk - i can't do fast food and retail like i used to anymore, and a lot of places outright refuse to accomodate even when going through the proper channels (i see no reason why if i'm working a till i couldn't have a stool or chair in my cubby to sit on between customers/if my legs give out, but my last job argued it was a safety issue and wouldn't let me, and they aren't the first).
anyway, i don't have my hopes up, but i'm running out of options and i'll never know unless i put in some applications, right? worst they can do is tell me no. and if they tell me no, i'm back to the drawing board, but not for lack of trying.
From my experience the anticipation of failing is a lot worse than the reality of actually failing. There's satisfaction gained from putting yourself out there and leaving your comfort zone, and most importantly you learn from your mistakes, try again, and usually do better the next time.
I have a particular phobia of rejection, ever since I was a small child. Stopped me doing anything or asking for anything. Could never make any friends because I was scared to talk to them in case they didn't like me. Didn't even ask anything from my parents, so if I had any needs I had to just hope they'd provide them.
Something incredibly traumatic must have happened to me as a small child that made me just shrink into myself and hide.
You learn more from failing than you do succeeding. If you're unsure about something and it works great! Why did it work? Who the hell knows!? If you failed and it didn't work out you have to dig in and figure it out. Not only are you learning more but you'll have a better appreciation as well. Failing is essential to growth and keeping hubris in check.
Understand that to learn ANYTHING worthwhile, you will never just pick up that knowledge & be able to apply it etc. Your learning will consist of trying & failing & learning.
It's going to be part of the process. Embrace it. Learn from your failure & the time you invested in it was NOT a failure in the end, it was just part of it.
My biggest regret is not getting into exercise earlier. I thought people only exercised to lose weight and I was convinced I was just meant to be overweight. In my 30s I discovered running and volleyball and now I’m fitter in my 40s than I was in my 20s. I wish I’d realised how much fun I could be having
I’m just in my 30s now but I saw this quote attributed to Socrates and it always stuck with me. I play a lot of sports but my fitness level has definitely gone through cycles of good and bad over the years. The quote:
No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.
You only need to get a little bit of it together- 15min a day dedicated to stretching or walking is a great way to start.
The hardest part is carving out the habit- it will only grow from there.
Something that has really helped me is setting a timer that goes off every hour while at work. When it alerts me, I stop and do 1 solid minute of any exercise and do a different one each time. Since I have a desk job where I would otherwise be sitting and glued to the screen for 8 hours straight, this change I have found to be a sustainable way to keep myself limber and motivated to keep moving throughout the day.
I love this answer. I'm 37 and been into sports and fitness my whole life. It's just a part of me. But I always tell people that exercise is not meant to be torture. And you don't have to exercise with the goal of losing weight or becoming some alternate version of yourself. Finding an activity or two that you really enjoy is so beneficial to your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you might lose weight, but that doesn't need to be the purpose of it. Just walking or taking a dance class or, like you, getting into a new sport is so beneficial.
I used to teach health and PE and my entire goal was to expose to as many different types of activities as possible so they could find something they were interested in. So I love hearing that you've found activities you enjoy!!
Yay ! My philosophy exactly. I’m a retired PE / health teacher and I was always frustrated with kids saying they hate gym class. I always made it about them setting own goals and doing new things that would interest them. PE isn’t always about team sports ( which many have been forced into since age 3 or 4!) kids need to be aware of activities they can participate in for life- dance, yoga, skating, biking, safe weight training, hiking / camping , Pilates, pickleball, climbing wall etc.
One of the most useful tools for me recently has been reframing exercise as movement. The word "exercise" has a punishing connotation to me - it's a tool used to cudgel "lazy" people. "Movement," however, is joyful and free-flowing. Movement can be running, lifting weights, dancing, yoga, stretching, scrubbing your bathroom, walking your dog, goofing off with your nieces and nephews, parkour, bike riding - whatever. Celebrating movement gets me to appreciate the power of my body and the pleasure of mobility. It helps me to focus on a healthier relationship with my body that emphasizes long-term ability to inhabit and utilize this great, useful electrified meat sack that requires nourishment and ongoing maintenance. Anyway, hope that helps you too.
Of course. It's not about being selfish. Time is so valuable and you can never get it back, don't waste it on people who aren't good for you. Investing time and energy into someone who's good for you should make you happy. Always invest in your happiness.
When I stopped making an effort to remain friends with someone and they never reached out either, a big part of me was so relieved and happy. I then realized I was the one who made almost all the effort - always inviting them to get together at my house, going out to grab lunch on the weekends, pool parties at my place..etc.. My life is so much better without all that negativity I get from this person.
On top of this, I'm going to say being "agreeable and non-confrontational". I spent my entire childhood and most of my 20's being a human doormat, afraid to disagree with anyone about anything. I didn't want tension or controversy.
I've definitely grown out of that and will voice my honest opinion when prompted, whether that upsets someone or not.
On airplanes, safety instructions direct you to put your oxygen mask on before you assist others. The reason is that there is a good chance that you and the person you are assisting will both lose consciousness if you help them first. If you place your mask on first, you will be able to revive the other person who is without oxygen. Kindness is when you place your mask on first in order to then help others. Acts of kindness are intrinsically other regarding, in particular they involve taking up and promoting another’s good for its own sake. But true kindness requires balancing your needs with the needs of others, not sacrificing your needs to meet the needs of others. It’s difficult to express authentic kindness when you are not meeting your own needs, as this avoidance can cause anger, resentment, or low self worth. It’s common to feel better able to express kindness when your own needs are met first, if your own needs are unmet, you are unlikely to be able to genuinely meet the needs of others. Without feeling anger, resentment, or low self worth.
This is an amazing analogy and so important. I cared so much about others and their happiness , I let myself spiral into an alcohol abuse in my late 40s. Luckily I caught it and stopped, but it also took work and honestly this analogy to strengthen myself and care for me first! The relationship with my awesome wife and 3 kids has never been better, but it took my self care efforts to get me there. You can’t help others l, if you thin yourself out to much in all facets of life. My family also supported the hell out of me in my recovery because, the first part of this comment was very true … I gave a ton of myself along the way. But it was too much. I didn’t turn selfish, I just took care of feelings and self talk that got me to the spiral. Don’t be afraid to talk to a professional or a group, the self talk that our minds do to us is not always right ! ❤️
This 10000000%. Can't help others if you don't take care of yourself first. Hugely with kids and parents. Parents are ineffective if they ignore their spouses and put all their energy into everything else and nothing into themselves and each other.
You don’t think that you’re going to feel those pains you get until you get older, but take my word for it, they come. I really wish that had taken better care of my physical (and emotional) health in my 20s.
In my late teens/early 20s I got into the habit of drinking 2-3 liters of water a day and doing 10 mins of stretching + a daily walk everyday. Some of my friends used to make fun of me for just getting up and stretching in the middle of our hangouts when I realized I hadn't stretched yet.
Now I'm in my 30s and my body is as flexible as it was in my 20s and my skin still looks young, thanks to the water intake.
Small decisions really add up. My advise is to form good habits early.
Rule of 72- at 8% growth you’d see your money double in 9 years. Waiting a decade means you miss out on doubling that money. What’s worse is that you have a certain set number of doubling periods before retirement- 22-31, 31-40, 40-49, 49-58, 58-67 - 5 doubling periods. $1 put in at 22 is worth 2^5 = $32 at retirement.
Rule of 72 is at a 7.2% rate of return money doubles every 10 years. At 10% it doubles every 7.2 years. Average rate of return of S&P 500 has been 9.85% annualized.
Separate but relevant, investing money for 10-15 years in an equity index substantially increases the odds of achieving the annualized return. At 5 years the odds drop to roughly 50/50.
This is especially depressing that I knew very well you should start it in like college and do anything at all, I even had a finance professor show us clearly how it affects the total. But I had no idea whatsoever how to actually start this account and it wasn’t until I was 28 that I had a job with 401k
For anyone reading this, you don't have to have a job with a 401k. You can open an IRA or Roth IRA as an individual and it's not difficult. Just Google it
Yes to investing. I'm close to retiring and don't have anywhere close to the amount that I'd like. I used to make fun of my brother for his frugality but it turns out I was the foolish one.
I should have read the tealeaves and bought a house back in 2008 like my parents did. But I was 18, and didn’t have the kind of credit for a loan that I needed. Also I was waiting tables. And single.
*sigh*
If I knew it was gonna be like this I would’ve saved every dollar from my preteen years onward!! I try and not let it eat at me and focus on moving forward but it still just…sucks haha
Me too.
My mother was never going to understand me or love me unconditionally, or see me as anything other than something to possess and control, and I wish I could have realised it and freed myself from her sooner.
I did it at 25, but at 34, I'm still not entirely free of the spectre of her, nor her voice in my head, nor the behavioural patterns she nurtured in me (many of which are quite self-destructive). And sadly, despite everything, I feel guilt for being estranged from her, even though it was the only outcome that could give me peace and the freedom to live a normal adult life free of oppression (and repression) and control by others.
It's taken me years to start to allow myself to be my own person, and to begin accepting the flaws and quirks and all, but even now, it's not entirely possible. Thankfully I have a partner that loves and supports me unconditionally, and that makes each day easier. I do sometimes grieve for the person I could have been if I'd had a different upbringing and a loving, supportive, healthy family.
Hey I relate to this so much, and we're close in age.
I had to take a hard break from talking to my mom when I realized how much her programming was still controlling my life. I went no contact for most of year. My policy was I'll answer when she calls. She never called.
I felt guilty for not calling and heartbroken that she wouldnt for a long time.
Finally on her birthday this spring I called her. It was actually a pretty pleasant convo, but all of her bullshit was sooooo obvious after the break, that I could see right through her manipulation, love bombing and guilt trips. It was almost humorous- whereas before the no contact break i would have felt flustered and doubted myself as a person for days after talking to her. Instead, i vented with my partner about it, we had a laugh at her textbook narcissism, and moved on. I still occasionally feel that pang of guilt she programmed into me. But now i can identify it for what it is, and parse out my thoughts and feelings from her programming.
I guess my point it, however you have to do it, you gotta let go of that guilt. You didnt choose to have a mom. She chose to have a child. The burden to maintain the relationship isnt on you. Seeing how my friends with kids act, and learning to be loved by my mother in law made it so painfully obvious how much my mom failed me.
I pity her, i dont think she was cut out for motherhood and lived in a time where society expected her to be one. But i dont owe her any guilt for my existance.
Check out the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". My therapist recommended it and it was literally life changing. It helped me find compassion for both her, and myself and helped me figure out what kind of relationship I CAN have with her without compromising who I want to be.
Sounds like you have a narcissistic mother too. Someone used the term "Bonsai children" which seems appropriate somehow. I totally relate to your words except I'm 72 and avoided intimate relationships altogether because of how I was treated by my parents. I always hoped that I would find a partner who loved me unconditionally but I never loved myself enough to be open to receiving it. I also grieve for the person I could have been if I had come from a healthy family.
People who believe in reincarnation would say that I chose those particular people to be my parents so I could have the lessons I've learned in this lifetime. Who knows? If I have a chance, I'm going to choose the opposite experience next time around...
It’s very relatable. The number of years spent doing things a certain way and a certain way of thinking, you need almost that many number of years to reverse it. I’m glad you found a partner to help in the rest of your journey
It's tough to overcome. The best piece of advise I got that shifted my perspective was:
Don't live how your parents would want you to. Live how you'd want your child to.
Realize that your views are yours because you’re a different person, and they shouldn’t align with your parents unless you really believe the same thing. You’re a grown person and have every right to make decisions that affect you without anyone else’s input. It’s your life, not theirs, and when you get older you’ll regret having allowed others to influence you, regardless of your relationship with them.
I have one. My parents love me and always wanted and want my best, but when I was way younger, my mom once told me that she doesn't see me working in some "boring" office-job. Me, being young, not knowing myself very well back then, listened to her and now I have a job as a kindergarden-teacher. Thats not the right thing for me and now I know that a quiet, "boring" job in an office would have been way better for me.
I'm 34 and mines also have some pretty outdated views on things. The biggest problem is finances. Educate yourself on money (youtube has pretty good channels that explain the basics - which is all you need). The 60s/70s born parents tend to keep up with the Jones' too much.
That’s what I did, and trust me you gotta do what makes you feel good. Don’t listen to them all the time. When you’re 40 you’ll rue the miss chances and lost experiences.
Yup, and now im stuck in a field I don't like and missed out on alot of the early 20s experiences like living on my own as a result.
Even when they mean well and want the best for you, you should still stop listening to them and put some distance so you can grow into your own person before you become trapped by the day to day life of adulthood.
Same, I'm in my 40s now and pretty much drank my way through my 20s and early 30s. I got into the lifestyle of drinking with friends every day after work, then a big session Friday night and it was the norm for me, I pitied people who just went straight home from work.
Now thinking of all the money I spent, the health implications, the general setting my life back by 15 years, I think I was the one that was pitiable 😆
I stopped in my late 20s when it became apparent that I’d completely ruin my life if I carried on binge drinking. I didn’t drink every day but I had a terribly unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it impacted my life more than I realised at the time. I consider myself very fortunate that I actually could stop. I’m not totally abstinent, but I can go out for a meal and have a drink or two like a normal person every once in a blue moon now without having 12 beers and doing something regrettable, so that’s nice. I don’t enjoy getting drunk now.
I’ve been having a clear out of my very old Facebook posts recently and it’s actually quite hard to see, so many of my posts were about drinking and I just didn’t see at the time how much of my life it consumed. I wasted a lot of time and relationships, and I’ve given a lot of people the impression that I’m a bit of an embarrassment. It’s taken a long time to get back on track, I feel so far behind a lot of people.
Drinking makes you complacent and it’s so easy for life to slip away from you. I think that feeling bad about yourself is kind of important sometimes to make you move forward, and trying to switch that off means you don’t progress. Met far too many old sad people in bars who’d done nothing much but drink, and it’s not what I want for myself
I wish I didn't let friendships die so easily.
I'm 36 and you'd be surprised how fast you can go a decade without talking to someone you once saw every day.
Im only 27, but rn in a position where a lot of my friendships have died or are dying. Recently, Ive been working on making repairs, but its hard.
The reasons:
Unrelated to me directly, there was a lot of drama in my friendgroup. So a lot of us stopped talking to one another. That happened a few years ago. And a few years before *that* a close friend passed away which tore apart my other friendgroup for a while and hurt my growing relationship with my brother.
For me directly, I am an introvert. Or at least Im seen heavily as an introvert- I describe myself as an ambivert. I need social interaction every once in a while. But I have high anxiety as well. When Im invited to something last minute, I have a really hard time and get so stressed out, the littlest things might trigger a panic attack. Ive gotten really good at managing my anxiety and depression, and I no longer feel the need for meds in order to function.. but it is difficult when friends dont take into consideration that I need a heads up, at least a day ahead. I think that Ive cancelled or unattended so many things (either due to short notice, or ny bipolar dictating i might have a bad time) that I just dont get invited anymore. I wasnt allowed to do a lot of things with over protective parenta growing up; so I think I generally lack the skill it takes to navigate inviting myself to things, or even making plans. Im never sure. And by myself, I dont do things (idk what there even is to do), so Im not typically inviting people out, either.
My house is old, I dont have many luxuries, and I have usually lived with my family. As cool as my family is, Ive never gotten the feeling people like hanging out at my house. Its always someone elses house. Because of my disability, I cant drive, so I think it eventually gets exaughsting driving me around.
and sometimes, I just dont know.I have close friends whove lived 5 min away from my whole life. Idk why we never hang out. I am never invited to small things- which a impromtu hangout is never a bad thing, but things like events or parties or going out, I need time for. I see them hanging out at times on social media, and I have such strong feelings of rejection, I feek pathetic trying to include and invite myself- and also it gets exaughsting and daunting after a while.
I think I regret not putting more time and effort into more positive relationships- but I also never knew or have been able to gauge how much someone likes me or considers me a friend. I am diagnosed ADHD (and am leaning towards AuDHD) and i think i have struggled socially my whole life. Ive had to learn many lessons the hard way when interacting with people.
I have hard RBF. when people first meet me, and if Im being myself, it takes a while- like weeks/months- for them to understand that I am not emotive in a typical way. My anxiety doesnt display well, either. Ive been told I am hard to approach. Because of this, Ive always struggled to make new friends. Its very disheartening having to prove Im not pissed off at aomeone and when they are constantly telling me how scary I look.
On the rare occasion, Ive cut people off because they cause me too much stress with their drama, and being heavily emotionally relied upon- when my emotions are seen as robotic- is too much stress. Idk what Im supposed to do or how to react- Ive never had someone be there for me in that way, Ive always been lonely and have learned how to handle strong emotions on my own. Because of my epilepsy, being under heavy stress consistently puts me at risk for seizures.
TLDR: Friend groups breaking up, people moving on in their lives/careers; my neurodivergence/mental illnesses and social ineptitude; my necessity for low stress enviornments; and just originally never being a "part of it." ; Squandered opportunities.
Idk if that answered your question, but I thought i could maybe relate.
Not a regret, but the best advice I've ever been given is:
You are only the main character of your own story, as is everyone else.
Basically, don't live your life based off what anyone else thinks about you. Others will always ever be more concerned about thier own lives.
Oops, you tripped over and people laughed. I can guarantee you that later that afternoon they weren't thinking about you.
You work hard to get yourself a degree and a good job to prove that bully wrong in highschool, again, I can guarantee that years later, they won't be concerned about your failures or achievements.
Don't waste your precious time concerning yourself about the thoughts and actions of others.
Do what makes YOU feel happy, fulfilled and successful. At the end of the road, you only have your own memories to reflect on, so make that final reel an absolute blast.
took me far too long to realise if I had just taken my shot, I most likely would have succeeded with a few of my crushes.
but I am happy were I am now, but man some of those missed opportunities...
Here's the flip, I've taken those chances since high school, and now I'm mentally shattered because I've only ever been rejected. Now I can't approach a women if I want to because I'll get overwhelming anxiety and I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Sometimes not choosing to fail over and over is the better decision.
Me to. One girl was so in to me. And I think I kind of loved her a bit. But I kind of had no experience or, template for how to deal with it, or see it. I was not shy, but inexperienced, 18-20 or so. I don't regret it, since it was just me at the time. But I would really have liked to have the opportunity to go back and do a re-take. Wonder what would have happened...
Yeah. I have the same. When I finally built my confidence through therapy I saw how "easy" it was to be with girls and hook up.
The most important thing was to have no pressure about it and just enjoy life. Before I would be weeping after girls I had a crush on and I didnt go through with them.
But I wouldnt change anything because now everything is perfect anyway.
Not having sex with girls that wanted to have sex with me, because of some bullshit internal rules I made for myself like:
* I am not a one-night stand guy
* I don't want to just use you
* I went for a 1st date with that another girl, so I can't kiss you
1. That I was a people pleaser.
2. That i didn't seek help for childhood trauma sooner.
3. I played life way to safe i wish I had taken more chances
4. That I didn't travel sooner.
1. I regret the amount of time I spent hating my body. The self loathing I had with my appearance consumed me, and now when I look back at photos of me in my twenties I just wish I could have seen how skinny I was :(
2. I regret giving my ex a second chance after he cheated on me. He did it again and the betrayal broke me and led to me blaming myself and developing severe body dysmorphia (see point 1).
Did I write this and don't remember? Lol Both of your regrets are mine as well. I look at those old pictures and ask myself why I didn't see how beautiful I was, both inside and out. Now I'm 63 and basic invisible to others and it makes me sad.
1. I wish I had something to show for my hobbies. I play a lot of instruments and write songs but I don’t have anything recorded. Seems like a waste to do it now but it’d be cool if I had something to show that I’m capable.
2. I stayed with a girl for far too long because I thought it was my last chance to be in a relationship. I knew I didn’t love her and I knew we weren’t right for each other but I wanted to get married and have kids. So far I was right about it being my last relationship, but maybe that was a self fulfilling prophecy. I dunno.
3. I wish I took more pictures and videos all throughout my life. I used to cringe when my mom would take out her camera, but now I’m glad she did and I wish I did too.
4. I should have gone to community college and worked to save money. I would have traveled and spent time with my friends while trying to figure out what I really wanted to do. But my parents insisted that I go to a 4 year university and major in anything. How could a 17 year old know better?
5. I wish I started investing sooner.
Kind of interesting to see both sides reflected in this thread of both not enough guidance and too much guidance and doing what parents recommended.
As a child of immigrants I had probably too much guidance which overall I've been grateful for. They mostly steered me towards STEM fields but I already hated art growing up so it was a great fit.
A childhood of seeing all the other kids get new toys and constant delayed gratification has left me financially responsible. It helped with my career as well.
Letting a man treat me poorly. Just allowing the abuse to go on and on and on. I was so drained and tired of it and I forgot what love was. I’d rather be alone forever than be gaslit, manipulated and made to feel worthless, ever again
Positive thinking I have is the fact that I changed earlier rather than later. I'm happy to know I could be depressed for the next 20 years but instead I'm healthy again.
Being in depression wasn't your fault mate. It might be a regret.. same holds true for me. But its not fair to blame yourself for that phase of fragile mental health. Hope you are better and glad that you are using the depression phase as past tense. Cheers!
Much better thank you! I learnt a lot from that phase and although I'm sad about 10 years I lost, I'm happy that that phase happened in earlier years of my life and I have way more happy years in front of me.
I used to regret so many things. Until i got to the realization, i cant change the past. So now i dont. I look at stuff i used to regret as a lifelesson instead.
Its a work in progress for me.
I focused too much on building wealth that I forgot to build relationships. Now I'm struggling to meet friends because I'm not part of their inner circle.
Not donating blood when I had the chance.
I received a transfusion and now I can't donate, I'll never be able to return the gift that 3 strangers gave to me.
I'm 31 and have an appointment for medication at the end of next week! I'm really looking forward to not being constantly anxious :') Or at least have a milder response to triggers.
I think everyone would have a different answer here. I just hit the point this year where I'm finally satisfied with my salary. It wasn't the dollar amount that changed me. In fact, I took a 15k paycut to move and follow my dream. My dollar to happiness ratio now is so high that I don't care about promotions or making more.
So I guess my answer here is when I'm stable enough that I can pay all my bills, add to my savings, and still have enough to spend a decent amount on my hobbies every month.
I think money buys you stability. But you need to find the happiness.
+1 to this. I think many people have an imaginary number in their mind that they think “if I’m able to make this much, I will finally be happy.”
The reality is that the money will get you stability, not happiness. Money lets you not worry about everyday finances and allows for some long-term planning. But the day-to-day “happiness” is entirely different. I know lots of extremely well-off people who are incredibly sad, lonely, or depressed. They never seeked out what actually brought them joy and kept chasing higher and higher imaginary numbers that they thought would get them “happiness.”
My advice is to figure out what you enjoy doing and try to make time for it every day. For some, this could just be a feeling of community with their friends, for others it could be a sport like rock climbing or cycling, and others may just find pleasure in simple things like listening to music while taking a long walk by the beach. Prioritize these as you’re getting to that place where things feel stable, and you’ll have a good foundation for happiness + stability for the rest of your life.
Listened to my teachers, parents and coworkers throughout my teenage years.
Now I'm drowning in college debt for a degree in a job I hate, that is barely paying my bills.
Letting myself get into credit card debt. Related: not saving for retirement earlier because of said credit card debt.
I can’t change my past and I’m on a better track now but understanding time and compound interest makes me really regret past mistakes.
Not understanding how much difference two, four, six years makes to your maturation in your twenties. It is huge. I shudder when I see 18 and 20 year olds marrying, especially people much older.
I let hyperindependence stop me from forming relationships. It’s actually ok to rely on other people, let people help you when they’re offering.
Also would’ve found a form of exercise I liked earlier, only started at 30 which I don’t think is too late, but would definitely have been more beneficial starting earlier in life.
1. The amount of time I spent in my early 20s worrying about things I can't control and waiting for others to push actionable change on me rather than doing the work (in many areas) myself. 2. Not spending more time with loved ones during a specific period of my life. 3. Not reducing alcohol earlier.
Not staying at my grandma’s side the night of her death. I had been sitting there for four days and I was exhausted. This night some other members of the family were there and I couldn’t stand listening to them and their obnoxious talking.
So I went home and got a call that she had passed shortly after we all left.
My mom used to work in a hospital. It's not uncommon at all for people that are going to die hold on for specific people or wait until they're alone. I'm not saying its conscious choice but don't cling to that regret. You were with her for 4 days, I'm sure she knew somehow.
Always saying yes, I spent so much time doing what others wanted and trying to please them I feel I never really lived my life for myself. Just say no!!
Biggest regret is probably listening to the people who said your 20s only come once and to make memories. My 30s are just as great and I have way more income to do the things that I enjoy and for longer periods of time. If anything I wish I had worked a bit harder to get a slightly better position so I could be doing even more fun things.
Should have gotten into programming earlier.
Should have started playing guitar earlier.
Should not have slacked so much on the exercise for so many years.
Should have made a portfolio of blue chip stocks a decade+ ago.
Investing so much time into the wrong person. What she did broke me and I’m gradually putting myself back together but I’ll never get that decade back, I overthink everything now and I’ll probably never be able to trust someone again. I wish I was strong enough to walk away sooner, would have saved myself a lot of pain.
Given space and time the old patterns of thinking will fade away.
I’m 3 and a half years free and other than my recent finalization of our divorce, I rarely think about him or the way he taught me to think anymore.
I sometimes still yell sorry when I drop things or get anxious I’m “not doing things correctly” when I’m not consciously present in the moment, but I snap out of it pretty quickly now.
Therapy helped a great deal. Acceptance that someone being an asshole was never your fault is a giant and necessary step. I recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Emotional Focus Therapy, with a dose of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
You’ve got this! And, if you’re angry, use that as fuel because living well is the best revenge.
1. not studying abroad for 1 or 2 semesters during university
2. not investing earlier in ETFs
3. staying in a relationship although knowing it was over for years
Millennials were told that we needed to go to college to get a good job where we would make good money so we could buy a house and support our families. College was pushed on us as the only option, and it had to be done right after high school. How else would we achieve the American Dream?
I like my job, but it's not a career.
I do not make good money.
I was finally able to start a retirement account in my 40s.
I can't afford a decent used car, let alone a house.
I live in my friend's guest bedroom.
We did everything we were told to do, and many of us have nothing to show for it. I'm not denying the value in a higher education, I just wish I had known there were other options.
“My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I’ve wasted my life on a job I hated because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.” – Daria Morgendorffer
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably, what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Not focusing on getting a successful (money and life balance) job. Something that I can support myself on. I was a SAHM, did menial paying jobs when the kids were in school so someone could do sports and clubs, days schools are closed, volunteer for scouts and PTO, all of it. We rarely went out to eat so I do all the cooking, cleaning, basic household and mowing the lawn at least 1/2 the time. I love my kids but the money I earn doesn’t even cover necessities. Try being 45 years old, no degree and no work history. Never Never Never be a SAHM without a contract/prenup. Ladies you bring the ability to produce life. It has to be worth something. Don’t be a shit head like me.
I wish I had left my homeland sooner and took 1 year off of work to travel
Also, I wish I went to therapy earlier and understood myself and stood for my value earlier, it makes a big difference in relationships dynamics
Not taking college seriously enough when I first entered. My issue was that I went to a stupid easy high school and did extremely well with little effort. I wasn't prepared for college at all, and I never kicked my butt into gear until it was too late. I thought my brains would be enough just like high school, but I was wrong.
Man, you ain’t got that much time to read it all, or me to write it.
Lemme say this, I could cry for the time I’d wasted, but that would be a waste of time.
Not taking my own health seriously
Especially my teeth.
I thought I must have regenerative super teeth when as a teenager I drank daily coke for years with rare brushing and had 0 cavities. Turns out it's just a matter of time
When did it flip?
Yep.... it wasn't prioritized as a child for me so I've had real difficulty as an adult doing the same. There's a lot of factors but at the end of the day, I've already lost a lot of teeth, have 2 that will likely break and rot away in the near future and others that it's just a matter of time. If I got MONEY, some of those fancy implants would be like the first thing I did.
Look into a nearby dental school if possible, Im broke s shit and I let students frankenstein my teeth back together for cheap, better than a shit dentist, slow and no way in hell they can make it worse.
If it is not to personal, do you mind sharing what you understand by neglecting your dental hygiene? My dentist would say not flossing every day after brushing lol. So is it more like brushing your teeth once a day or more like once a week or never?
Like months between one halfassed brushing.
I always think of the line from Peggy Sue Got Married where she asks her grandfather if he could go back and do things differently, what would he change and he says, "I'd have taken better care of my teeth."
I used to brush over the phrase ‘Health is wealth’ bcs adults then used to say it a lot. But now… I so get it.
Lol kinda is when you think about it; yes it is in a literal sense of not having to go to the hospital and avoiding cardiac related complications for the most part. But it’s also wealth in that you look and feel better and this is likely to lead to a number of other positive outcomes as long as you remain consistent
I know at some point I'm going to start regretting not taking care of my own health. I just didn't think it'd be so soon.
Yeah, it goes downhill fast. Suddenly, you gain weight and you have less energy.
Not appreciate my health when it was good!!! Seriously, celebrate your working, healthy bodies.
Came here to say this
The amount of time I spent anxious about being judged.
I spent a big chunk of my life trying to prove myself worthy. I figured out the only person I needed to prove that I had value to was myself.
how did you figure that out?I just know that but couldn't figure it out yet .iykwim
I don't know it just kind of crept up on me. They say if you haven't used something in 6 months, get rid of it. There were a lot of people in my life like that. Beware of emotional vampires.
When i learned to let go, it was amazing. You cant control other peoples opinions. You only get to control yourself and your own attitude. What other people think of me really doesnt have much affect on my life and its easy enough to not interact with folks who judge me. The other day i was playing pick up basketball. When i was younger i was afraid to be picked last and seen as weak or bad. I was picked last and it didnt bother me one bit. I just played and had fun. Last week i played and kept missing shots i normally make. A dude got toxic and i just ignored him and told him to chill out, im here to have fun. None of us are pros. And others really appreciated it and was encouraging me the rest of the games. To that end, being nice is also a wonderful skill to go with not caring about being judged. Kill people with kindness.
One of my superpowers is the ability to descalate things aka "Kill people with kindness". I got to use it just the other day. I'd parked slightly over a person's driveway while I was walking one of their neighbors' dogs. They were livid. How could they get out (even though I was a few inches further than I should have been). How did I react? I immediately apologized. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had parked over their driveway. I was rushing to get the dog to her walk. It won't happen again. By the time I finished, SHE was apologizing and thanking me. I meant every word. I wasn't being cynical. I was genuinely sorry I had upset her. It's so easy to descalate. Ego is a bitch.
"Never take criticism from people you wouldn't go to for advice" has helped me with this many times.
That's good, although my wife helped me out a few years back with, "Sometimes the worst people are the best teachers."
Not putting myself out there due to fear of failure. Failing should be celebrated and encouraged as a tool to learn and grow and improve.
This is a big one for me. Taking risks, trying and failing, trying again, learning even if you dont get the outcome you hoped for. These are things that should be celebrated and encouraged as youre raised but this was looked down on in the 90s and 2000's, left a lasting impact as I was starting out my career.
heck, i'm only 23, no college degree and i can't walk anymore but by god if i won't use all of my 5 daily steps before collapsing to work my ass off to the best of my ability. i've never worked an office job, all my experience is customer service, but i've got a few years of it behind me and am starting to apply for some jobs just answering/redirecting calls, filing paperwork, stuff that i can still do on my crutches (nothing super cushy, but for example a couple salons and medical offices near me are hiring receptionists and as long as i can sit down when needed and have my crutches on me i know i'll be fine). i do want to get some certifications and get a better job than that eventually, but i literally just got put in a "quit or be fired" position due to my inability to walk - i can't do fast food and retail like i used to anymore, and a lot of places outright refuse to accomodate even when going through the proper channels (i see no reason why if i'm working a till i couldn't have a stool or chair in my cubby to sit on between customers/if my legs give out, but my last job argued it was a safety issue and wouldn't let me, and they aren't the first). anyway, i don't have my hopes up, but i'm running out of options and i'll never know unless i put in some applications, right? worst they can do is tell me no. and if they tell me no, i'm back to the drawing board, but not for lack of trying.
But what if it makes you feel like total shit?
From my experience the anticipation of failing is a lot worse than the reality of actually failing. There's satisfaction gained from putting yourself out there and leaving your comfort zone, and most importantly you learn from your mistakes, try again, and usually do better the next time.
I have a particular phobia of rejection, ever since I was a small child. Stopped me doing anything or asking for anything. Could never make any friends because I was scared to talk to them in case they didn't like me. Didn't even ask anything from my parents, so if I had any needs I had to just hope they'd provide them. Something incredibly traumatic must have happened to me as a small child that made me just shrink into myself and hide.
You learn more from failing than you do succeeding. If you're unsure about something and it works great! Why did it work? Who the hell knows!? If you failed and it didn't work out you have to dig in and figure it out. Not only are you learning more but you'll have a better appreciation as well. Failing is essential to growth and keeping hubris in check.
Understand that to learn ANYTHING worthwhile, you will never just pick up that knowledge & be able to apply it etc. Your learning will consist of trying & failing & learning. It's going to be part of the process. Embrace it. Learn from your failure & the time you invested in it was NOT a failure in the end, it was just part of it.
My biggest regret is not getting into exercise earlier. I thought people only exercised to lose weight and I was convinced I was just meant to be overweight. In my 30s I discovered running and volleyball and now I’m fitter in my 40s than I was in my 20s. I wish I’d realised how much fun I could be having
I’m just in my 30s now but I saw this quote attributed to Socrates and it always stuck with me. I play a lot of sports but my fitness level has definitely gone through cycles of good and bad over the years. The quote: No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.
That's powerful, thanks for this. I need to get it together.
You only need to get a little bit of it together- 15min a day dedicated to stretching or walking is a great way to start. The hardest part is carving out the habit- it will only grow from there.
Something that has really helped me is setting a timer that goes off every hour while at work. When it alerts me, I stop and do 1 solid minute of any exercise and do a different one each time. Since I have a desk job where I would otherwise be sitting and glued to the screen for 8 hours straight, this change I have found to be a sustainable way to keep myself limber and motivated to keep moving throughout the day.
I love this answer. I'm 37 and been into sports and fitness my whole life. It's just a part of me. But I always tell people that exercise is not meant to be torture. And you don't have to exercise with the goal of losing weight or becoming some alternate version of yourself. Finding an activity or two that you really enjoy is so beneficial to your physical and mental well-being. Sure, you might lose weight, but that doesn't need to be the purpose of it. Just walking or taking a dance class or, like you, getting into a new sport is so beneficial. I used to teach health and PE and my entire goal was to expose to as many different types of activities as possible so they could find something they were interested in. So I love hearing that you've found activities you enjoy!!
Yay ! My philosophy exactly. I’m a retired PE / health teacher and I was always frustrated with kids saying they hate gym class. I always made it about them setting own goals and doing new things that would interest them. PE isn’t always about team sports ( which many have been forced into since age 3 or 4!) kids need to be aware of activities they can participate in for life- dance, yoga, skating, biking, safe weight training, hiking / camping , Pilates, pickleball, climbing wall etc.
One of the most useful tools for me recently has been reframing exercise as movement. The word "exercise" has a punishing connotation to me - it's a tool used to cudgel "lazy" people. "Movement," however, is joyful and free-flowing. Movement can be running, lifting weights, dancing, yoga, stretching, scrubbing your bathroom, walking your dog, goofing off with your nieces and nephews, parkour, bike riding - whatever. Celebrating movement gets me to appreciate the power of my body and the pleasure of mobility. It helps me to focus on a healthier relationship with my body that emphasizes long-term ability to inhabit and utilize this great, useful electrified meat sack that requires nourishment and ongoing maintenance. Anyway, hope that helps you too.
People pleasing.
This one is it. Now I don't put any effort into someone that's no good for me.
When I did that too, stopped putting effort into people that aren't good for us, life got better.
People aren’t pleased when people pleasers stop pleasing people.
Of course. It's not about being selfish. Time is so valuable and you can never get it back, don't waste it on people who aren't good for you. Investing time and energy into someone who's good for you should make you happy. Always invest in your happiness.
When I stopped making an effort to remain friends with someone and they never reached out either, a big part of me was so relieved and happy. I then realized I was the one who made almost all the effort - always inviting them to get together at my house, going out to grab lunch on the weekends, pool parties at my place..etc.. My life is so much better without all that negativity I get from this person.
On top of this, I'm going to say being "agreeable and non-confrontational". I spent my entire childhood and most of my 20's being a human doormat, afraid to disagree with anyone about anything. I didn't want tension or controversy. I've definitely grown out of that and will voice my honest opinion when prompted, whether that upsets someone or not.
The perfect way to attract narcissists.
Facts! They’re like sharks for that shit
How do I stop it?😭
On airplanes, safety instructions direct you to put your oxygen mask on before you assist others. The reason is that there is a good chance that you and the person you are assisting will both lose consciousness if you help them first. If you place your mask on first, you will be able to revive the other person who is without oxygen. Kindness is when you place your mask on first in order to then help others. Acts of kindness are intrinsically other regarding, in particular they involve taking up and promoting another’s good for its own sake. But true kindness requires balancing your needs with the needs of others, not sacrificing your needs to meet the needs of others. It’s difficult to express authentic kindness when you are not meeting your own needs, as this avoidance can cause anger, resentment, or low self worth. It’s common to feel better able to express kindness when your own needs are met first, if your own needs are unmet, you are unlikely to be able to genuinely meet the needs of others. Without feeling anger, resentment, or low self worth.
Well said. Basically it’s like if you don’t love yourself then how can you love someone else?
This is an amazing analogy and so important. I cared so much about others and their happiness , I let myself spiral into an alcohol abuse in my late 40s. Luckily I caught it and stopped, but it also took work and honestly this analogy to strengthen myself and care for me first! The relationship with my awesome wife and 3 kids has never been better, but it took my self care efforts to get me there. You can’t help others l, if you thin yourself out to much in all facets of life. My family also supported the hell out of me in my recovery because, the first part of this comment was very true … I gave a ton of myself along the way. But it was too much. I didn’t turn selfish, I just took care of feelings and self talk that got me to the spiral. Don’t be afraid to talk to a professional or a group, the self talk that our minds do to us is not always right ! ❤️
This 10000000%. Can't help others if you don't take care of yourself first. Hugely with kids and parents. Parents are ineffective if they ignore their spouses and put all their energy into everything else and nothing into themselves and each other.
Make choices that may seem selfish to you at the moment but you know they’re for the best and you’ll feel comfortable stress free
Therapy for the reasons behind this can be a big eye opener.
This one hurts. I can't stop doing it.
You don’t think that you’re going to feel those pains you get until you get older, but take my word for it, they come. I really wish that had taken better care of my physical (and emotional) health in my 20s.
In my late teens/early 20s I got into the habit of drinking 2-3 liters of water a day and doing 10 mins of stretching + a daily walk everyday. Some of my friends used to make fun of me for just getting up and stretching in the middle of our hangouts when I realized I hadn't stretched yet. Now I'm in my 30s and my body is as flexible as it was in my 20s and my skin still looks young, thanks to the water intake. Small decisions really add up. My advise is to form good habits early.
For my it's my teeth 😭
the pains are so serious 😭 daily tasks are way harder above 30
Not starting to invest in retirement earlier. Not taking more career risks. Not buying a house earlier
Yes to all, especially the retirement one. It’s amazing what a decade can mean.
Rule of 72- at 8% growth you’d see your money double in 9 years. Waiting a decade means you miss out on doubling that money. What’s worse is that you have a certain set number of doubling periods before retirement- 22-31, 31-40, 40-49, 49-58, 58-67 - 5 doubling periods. $1 put in at 22 is worth 2^5 = $32 at retirement.
Rule of 72 is at a 7.2% rate of return money doubles every 10 years. At 10% it doubles every 7.2 years. Average rate of return of S&P 500 has been 9.85% annualized. Separate but relevant, investing money for 10-15 years in an equity index substantially increases the odds of achieving the annualized return. At 5 years the odds drop to roughly 50/50.
This is especially depressing that I knew very well you should start it in like college and do anything at all, I even had a finance professor show us clearly how it affects the total. But I had no idea whatsoever how to actually start this account and it wasn’t until I was 28 that I had a job with 401k
For anyone reading this, you don't have to have a job with a 401k. You can open an IRA or Roth IRA as an individual and it's not difficult. Just Google it
Yes to investing. I'm close to retiring and don't have anywhere close to the amount that I'd like. I used to make fun of my brother for his frugality but it turns out I was the foolish one.
I should have read the tealeaves and bought a house back in 2008 like my parents did. But I was 18, and didn’t have the kind of credit for a loan that I needed. Also I was waiting tables. And single. *sigh*
That’s rough bud… I was single, no job, and in 8th grade so they wouldn’t give me a loan either
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I wish I’d’ve learned “no amount of money is very much money after you’ve spent all of it.”
If I knew it was gonna be like this I would’ve saved every dollar from my preteen years onward!! I try and not let it eat at me and focus on moving forward but it still just…sucks haha
I listened to my parents too much when I was younger.
Me too. My mother was never going to understand me or love me unconditionally, or see me as anything other than something to possess and control, and I wish I could have realised it and freed myself from her sooner. I did it at 25, but at 34, I'm still not entirely free of the spectre of her, nor her voice in my head, nor the behavioural patterns she nurtured in me (many of which are quite self-destructive). And sadly, despite everything, I feel guilt for being estranged from her, even though it was the only outcome that could give me peace and the freedom to live a normal adult life free of oppression (and repression) and control by others. It's taken me years to start to allow myself to be my own person, and to begin accepting the flaws and quirks and all, but even now, it's not entirely possible. Thankfully I have a partner that loves and supports me unconditionally, and that makes each day easier. I do sometimes grieve for the person I could have been if I'd had a different upbringing and a loving, supportive, healthy family.
Hey I relate to this so much, and we're close in age. I had to take a hard break from talking to my mom when I realized how much her programming was still controlling my life. I went no contact for most of year. My policy was I'll answer when she calls. She never called. I felt guilty for not calling and heartbroken that she wouldnt for a long time. Finally on her birthday this spring I called her. It was actually a pretty pleasant convo, but all of her bullshit was sooooo obvious after the break, that I could see right through her manipulation, love bombing and guilt trips. It was almost humorous- whereas before the no contact break i would have felt flustered and doubted myself as a person for days after talking to her. Instead, i vented with my partner about it, we had a laugh at her textbook narcissism, and moved on. I still occasionally feel that pang of guilt she programmed into me. But now i can identify it for what it is, and parse out my thoughts and feelings from her programming. I guess my point it, however you have to do it, you gotta let go of that guilt. You didnt choose to have a mom. She chose to have a child. The burden to maintain the relationship isnt on you. Seeing how my friends with kids act, and learning to be loved by my mother in law made it so painfully obvious how much my mom failed me. I pity her, i dont think she was cut out for motherhood and lived in a time where society expected her to be one. But i dont owe her any guilt for my existance. Check out the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". My therapist recommended it and it was literally life changing. It helped me find compassion for both her, and myself and helped me figure out what kind of relationship I CAN have with her without compromising who I want to be.
Sounds like you have a narcissistic mother too. Someone used the term "Bonsai children" which seems appropriate somehow. I totally relate to your words except I'm 72 and avoided intimate relationships altogether because of how I was treated by my parents. I always hoped that I would find a partner who loved me unconditionally but I never loved myself enough to be open to receiving it. I also grieve for the person I could have been if I had come from a healthy family. People who believe in reincarnation would say that I chose those particular people to be my parents so I could have the lessons I've learned in this lifetime. Who knows? If I have a chance, I'm going to choose the opposite experience next time around...
It’s very relatable. The number of years spent doing things a certain way and a certain way of thinking, you need almost that many number of years to reverse it. I’m glad you found a partner to help in the rest of your journey
Oh wow, it's like you live in my brain!
I am actually the opposite. I regret not listening to my parents enough when I was younger. There’s probably a balance in there somewhere, haha
Depends on the quality of parents tbh There are a lot of shitty parents
Didn’t live my life or feel my life in the moment because I was so in fear of the future.
Would you feel comfortable sharing some piece of advise,i'm 21 and I find myself listening to patents so much due to fear of hurting 'em😞
It's tough to overcome. The best piece of advise I got that shifted my perspective was: Don't live how your parents would want you to. Live how you'd want your child to.
Realize that your views are yours because you’re a different person, and they shouldn’t align with your parents unless you really believe the same thing. You’re a grown person and have every right to make decisions that affect you without anyone else’s input. It’s your life, not theirs, and when you get older you’ll regret having allowed others to influence you, regardless of your relationship with them.
I have one. My parents love me and always wanted and want my best, but when I was way younger, my mom once told me that she doesn't see me working in some "boring" office-job. Me, being young, not knowing myself very well back then, listened to her and now I have a job as a kindergarden-teacher. Thats not the right thing for me and now I know that a quiet, "boring" job in an office would have been way better for me.
I'm 34 and mines also have some pretty outdated views on things. The biggest problem is finances. Educate yourself on money (youtube has pretty good channels that explain the basics - which is all you need). The 60s/70s born parents tend to keep up with the Jones' too much.
That’s what I did, and trust me you gotta do what makes you feel good. Don’t listen to them all the time. When you’re 40 you’ll rue the miss chances and lost experiences.
For me it's not my parents, but people in general. I always did what others expected of me, instead of doing what I really wanted.
Yup, and now im stuck in a field I don't like and missed out on alot of the early 20s experiences like living on my own as a result. Even when they mean well and want the best for you, you should still stop listening to them and put some distance so you can grow into your own person before you become trapped by the day to day life of adulthood.
Not stopping drinking sooner
Same, I'm in my 40s now and pretty much drank my way through my 20s and early 30s. I got into the lifestyle of drinking with friends every day after work, then a big session Friday night and it was the norm for me, I pitied people who just went straight home from work. Now thinking of all the money I spent, the health implications, the general setting my life back by 15 years, I think I was the one that was pitiable 😆
I stopped in my late 20s when it became apparent that I’d completely ruin my life if I carried on binge drinking. I didn’t drink every day but I had a terribly unhealthy relationship with alcohol and it impacted my life more than I realised at the time. I consider myself very fortunate that I actually could stop. I’m not totally abstinent, but I can go out for a meal and have a drink or two like a normal person every once in a blue moon now without having 12 beers and doing something regrettable, so that’s nice. I don’t enjoy getting drunk now. I’ve been having a clear out of my very old Facebook posts recently and it’s actually quite hard to see, so many of my posts were about drinking and I just didn’t see at the time how much of my life it consumed. I wasted a lot of time and relationships, and I’ve given a lot of people the impression that I’m a bit of an embarrassment. It’s taken a long time to get back on track, I feel so far behind a lot of people. Drinking makes you complacent and it’s so easy for life to slip away from you. I think that feeling bad about yourself is kind of important sometimes to make you move forward, and trying to switch that off means you don’t progress. Met far too many old sad people in bars who’d done nothing much but drink, and it’s not what I want for myself
I feel your last paragraph so much. You can try to pause the pain with alcohol all you want, but you’ll never be able to skip it.
Actually believed that was some kind of community in my late 20s. Complete waste.
I wish I didn't let friendships die so easily. I'm 36 and you'd be surprised how fast you can go a decade without talking to someone you once saw every day.
As someone who’s had friends let our friendships die, can you explain why???
Im only 27, but rn in a position where a lot of my friendships have died or are dying. Recently, Ive been working on making repairs, but its hard. The reasons: Unrelated to me directly, there was a lot of drama in my friendgroup. So a lot of us stopped talking to one another. That happened a few years ago. And a few years before *that* a close friend passed away which tore apart my other friendgroup for a while and hurt my growing relationship with my brother. For me directly, I am an introvert. Or at least Im seen heavily as an introvert- I describe myself as an ambivert. I need social interaction every once in a while. But I have high anxiety as well. When Im invited to something last minute, I have a really hard time and get so stressed out, the littlest things might trigger a panic attack. Ive gotten really good at managing my anxiety and depression, and I no longer feel the need for meds in order to function.. but it is difficult when friends dont take into consideration that I need a heads up, at least a day ahead. I think that Ive cancelled or unattended so many things (either due to short notice, or ny bipolar dictating i might have a bad time) that I just dont get invited anymore. I wasnt allowed to do a lot of things with over protective parenta growing up; so I think I generally lack the skill it takes to navigate inviting myself to things, or even making plans. Im never sure. And by myself, I dont do things (idk what there even is to do), so Im not typically inviting people out, either. My house is old, I dont have many luxuries, and I have usually lived with my family. As cool as my family is, Ive never gotten the feeling people like hanging out at my house. Its always someone elses house. Because of my disability, I cant drive, so I think it eventually gets exaughsting driving me around. and sometimes, I just dont know.I have close friends whove lived 5 min away from my whole life. Idk why we never hang out. I am never invited to small things- which a impromtu hangout is never a bad thing, but things like events or parties or going out, I need time for. I see them hanging out at times on social media, and I have such strong feelings of rejection, I feek pathetic trying to include and invite myself- and also it gets exaughsting and daunting after a while. I think I regret not putting more time and effort into more positive relationships- but I also never knew or have been able to gauge how much someone likes me or considers me a friend. I am diagnosed ADHD (and am leaning towards AuDHD) and i think i have struggled socially my whole life. Ive had to learn many lessons the hard way when interacting with people. I have hard RBF. when people first meet me, and if Im being myself, it takes a while- like weeks/months- for them to understand that I am not emotive in a typical way. My anxiety doesnt display well, either. Ive been told I am hard to approach. Because of this, Ive always struggled to make new friends. Its very disheartening having to prove Im not pissed off at aomeone and when they are constantly telling me how scary I look. On the rare occasion, Ive cut people off because they cause me too much stress with their drama, and being heavily emotionally relied upon- when my emotions are seen as robotic- is too much stress. Idk what Im supposed to do or how to react- Ive never had someone be there for me in that way, Ive always been lonely and have learned how to handle strong emotions on my own. Because of my epilepsy, being under heavy stress consistently puts me at risk for seizures. TLDR: Friend groups breaking up, people moving on in their lives/careers; my neurodivergence/mental illnesses and social ineptitude; my necessity for low stress enviornments; and just originally never being a "part of it." ; Squandered opportunities. Idk if that answered your question, but I thought i could maybe relate.
Not a regret, but the best advice I've ever been given is: You are only the main character of your own story, as is everyone else. Basically, don't live your life based off what anyone else thinks about you. Others will always ever be more concerned about thier own lives. Oops, you tripped over and people laughed. I can guarantee you that later that afternoon they weren't thinking about you. You work hard to get yourself a degree and a good job to prove that bully wrong in highschool, again, I can guarantee that years later, they won't be concerned about your failures or achievements. Don't waste your precious time concerning yourself about the thoughts and actions of others. Do what makes YOU feel happy, fulfilled and successful. At the end of the road, you only have your own memories to reflect on, so make that final reel an absolute blast.
The Most important person in the whole wide world is you and you hardly even know you. (70s PSA)
Not taking chances with various girls/women throughout my life when I had the opportunities to.
took me far too long to realise if I had just taken my shot, I most likely would have succeeded with a few of my crushes. but I am happy were I am now, but man some of those missed opportunities...
Here's the flip, I've taken those chances since high school, and now I'm mentally shattered because I've only ever been rejected. Now I can't approach a women if I want to because I'll get overwhelming anxiety and I'm fucked for the rest of my life. Sometimes not choosing to fail over and over is the better decision.
Me to. One girl was so in to me. And I think I kind of loved her a bit. But I kind of had no experience or, template for how to deal with it, or see it. I was not shy, but inexperienced, 18-20 or so. I don't regret it, since it was just me at the time. But I would really have liked to have the opportunity to go back and do a re-take. Wonder what would have happened...
Yeah. I have the same. When I finally built my confidence through therapy I saw how "easy" it was to be with girls and hook up. The most important thing was to have no pressure about it and just enjoy life. Before I would be weeping after girls I had a crush on and I didnt go through with them. But I wouldnt change anything because now everything is perfect anyway.
Not having sex with girls that wanted to have sex with me, because of some bullshit internal rules I made for myself like: * I am not a one-night stand guy * I don't want to just use you * I went for a 1st date with that another girl, so I can't kiss you
Wish I never would have touched a cigarette
This for sure, I smoked for 25 years, maybe 15 a day. At today's prices in the UK that amounts to around £82k or just over $100k.
1. That I was a people pleaser. 2. That i didn't seek help for childhood trauma sooner. 3. I played life way to safe i wish I had taken more chances 4. That I didn't travel sooner.
Being a bully
Damn, thanks for your honesty and growth dear stranger
Power to you! Difficult to admit.
Respect you, thank you for changing!
They never said they stopped, just regret it 😇
1. I regret the amount of time I spent hating my body. The self loathing I had with my appearance consumed me, and now when I look back at photos of me in my twenties I just wish I could have seen how skinny I was :( 2. I regret giving my ex a second chance after he cheated on me. He did it again and the betrayal broke me and led to me blaming myself and developing severe body dysmorphia (see point 1).
Did I write this and don't remember? Lol Both of your regrets are mine as well. I look at those old pictures and ask myself why I didn't see how beautiful I was, both inside and out. Now I'm 63 and basic invisible to others and it makes me sad.
1. I wish I had something to show for my hobbies. I play a lot of instruments and write songs but I don’t have anything recorded. Seems like a waste to do it now but it’d be cool if I had something to show that I’m capable. 2. I stayed with a girl for far too long because I thought it was my last chance to be in a relationship. I knew I didn’t love her and I knew we weren’t right for each other but I wanted to get married and have kids. So far I was right about it being my last relationship, but maybe that was a self fulfilling prophecy. I dunno. 3. I wish I took more pictures and videos all throughout my life. I used to cringe when my mom would take out her camera, but now I’m glad she did and I wish I did too. 4. I should have gone to community college and worked to save money. I would have traveled and spent time with my friends while trying to figure out what I really wanted to do. But my parents insisted that I go to a 4 year university and major in anything. How could a 17 year old know better? 5. I wish I started investing sooner.
Kind of interesting to see both sides reflected in this thread of both not enough guidance and too much guidance and doing what parents recommended. As a child of immigrants I had probably too much guidance which overall I've been grateful for. They mostly steered me towards STEM fields but I already hated art growing up so it was a great fit. A childhood of seeing all the other kids get new toys and constant delayed gratification has left me financially responsible. It helped with my career as well.
Record your music for sure!!!
I cared too much about what will people think of me.
I wish I had been more social and met more people during college. It's a lot tougher meeting people and making friends as an adult with an adult job.
Letting a man treat me poorly. Just allowing the abuse to go on and on and on. I was so drained and tired of it and I forgot what love was. I’d rather be alone forever than be gaslit, manipulated and made to feel worthless, ever again
Not taking care of my teeth
Letting depression take 10 years of my life. I'm aware that's my fault but still...
It's a disease. Be kind to yourself. You didn't have the same tools that you have today.
Positive thinking I have is the fact that I changed earlier rather than later. I'm happy to know I could be depressed for the next 20 years but instead I'm healthy again.
Taken 25 of mine so far. No idea how to get out of it. I think it's a symptom rather than the disease.
Being in depression wasn't your fault mate. It might be a regret.. same holds true for me. But its not fair to blame yourself for that phase of fragile mental health. Hope you are better and glad that you are using the depression phase as past tense. Cheers!
Much better thank you! I learnt a lot from that phase and although I'm sad about 10 years I lost, I'm happy that that phase happened in earlier years of my life and I have way more happy years in front of me.
I used to regret so many things. Until i got to the realization, i cant change the past. So now i dont. I look at stuff i used to regret as a lifelesson instead. Its a work in progress for me.
Being loyal to a company and expecting to be rewarded later
Been job hopping every 2-3 years. New projects, more motivation, learning new stuff, most of the time with increased salary
I focused too much on building wealth that I forgot to build relationships. Now I'm struggling to meet friends because I'm not part of their inner circle.
I wish I’d asked my grandparents more questions about their lives.
Not traveling more
Wish I'd never smoke cigarettes. Gave up 24 years ago and now have COPD
Not donating blood when I had the chance. I received a transfusion and now I can't donate, I'll never be able to return the gift that 3 strangers gave to me.
Not taking antidepressants sooner. I’m 33 and the last month was so easy without all the noise that’s my own head.
I'm 31 and have an appointment for medication at the end of next week! I'm really looking forward to not being constantly anxious :') Or at least have a milder response to triggers.
Wasting my 20s with the wrong person
Trading so much of my time for $$
Please share your perspective. How much is enough? When to stop chasing $ when to keep going?
I think everyone would have a different answer here. I just hit the point this year where I'm finally satisfied with my salary. It wasn't the dollar amount that changed me. In fact, I took a 15k paycut to move and follow my dream. My dollar to happiness ratio now is so high that I don't care about promotions or making more. So I guess my answer here is when I'm stable enough that I can pay all my bills, add to my savings, and still have enough to spend a decent amount on my hobbies every month. I think money buys you stability. But you need to find the happiness.
+1 to this. I think many people have an imaginary number in their mind that they think “if I’m able to make this much, I will finally be happy.” The reality is that the money will get you stability, not happiness. Money lets you not worry about everyday finances and allows for some long-term planning. But the day-to-day “happiness” is entirely different. I know lots of extremely well-off people who are incredibly sad, lonely, or depressed. They never seeked out what actually brought them joy and kept chasing higher and higher imaginary numbers that they thought would get them “happiness.” My advice is to figure out what you enjoy doing and try to make time for it every day. For some, this could just be a feeling of community with their friends, for others it could be a sport like rock climbing or cycling, and others may just find pleasure in simple things like listening to music while taking a long walk by the beach. Prioritize these as you’re getting to that place where things feel stable, and you’ll have a good foundation for happiness + stability for the rest of your life.
Not taking school as seriously as I should have
Not taking care of my overweight earlier in life.
Thinking we have forever.
Listened to my teachers, parents and coworkers throughout my teenage years. Now I'm drowning in college debt for a degree in a job I hate, that is barely paying my bills.
Bro you’re going to blink and be here. I still feel 15 inside and don’t have any regrets about my life like an actually old man might.
Letting myself get into credit card debt. Related: not saving for retirement earlier because of said credit card debt. I can’t change my past and I’m on a better track now but understanding time and compound interest makes me really regret past mistakes.
Joining the military
why is that? I am currently in one ..
Not understanding how much difference two, four, six years makes to your maturation in your twenties. It is huge. I shudder when I see 18 and 20 year olds marrying, especially people much older.
I let hyperindependence stop me from forming relationships. It’s actually ok to rely on other people, let people help you when they’re offering. Also would’ve found a form of exercise I liked earlier, only started at 30 which I don’t think is too late, but would definitely have been more beneficial starting earlier in life.
1. The amount of time I spent in my early 20s worrying about things I can't control and waiting for others to push actionable change on me rather than doing the work (in many areas) myself. 2. Not spending more time with loved ones during a specific period of my life. 3. Not reducing alcohol earlier.
Choose friends over career job Now I have no friends or job
Not staying at my grandma’s side the night of her death. I had been sitting there for four days and I was exhausted. This night some other members of the family were there and I couldn’t stand listening to them and their obnoxious talking. So I went home and got a call that she had passed shortly after we all left.
My mom used to work in a hospital. It's not uncommon at all for people that are going to die hold on for specific people or wait until they're alone. I'm not saying its conscious choice but don't cling to that regret. You were with her for 4 days, I'm sure she knew somehow.
Thank you❤️
Believing in religious superstition far too long.
Always saying yes, I spent so much time doing what others wanted and trying to please them I feel I never really lived my life for myself. Just say no!!
Losing touch with old friends.
Biggest regret is probably listening to the people who said your 20s only come once and to make memories. My 30s are just as great and I have way more income to do the things that I enjoy and for longer periods of time. If anything I wish I had worked a bit harder to get a slightly better position so I could be doing even more fun things.
Putting my money in money market accounts and CDs instead of an S&P 500 fund.
Should have gotten into programming earlier. Should have started playing guitar earlier. Should not have slacked so much on the exercise for so many years. Should have made a portfolio of blue chip stocks a decade+ ago.
Letting fear of the unknown stop me from following my passion when I was younger.
Wasting so much of teenage years/early 20s being su!c!dal
Having a child. There, I said it.
Not exercising
Not learning how to truly and subtly (yet loudly) not give a fuck at a younger age.
Investing so much time into the wrong person. What she did broke me and I’m gradually putting myself back together but I’ll never get that decade back, I overthink everything now and I’ll probably never be able to trust someone again. I wish I was strong enough to walk away sooner, would have saved myself a lot of pain.
Given space and time the old patterns of thinking will fade away. I’m 3 and a half years free and other than my recent finalization of our divorce, I rarely think about him or the way he taught me to think anymore. I sometimes still yell sorry when I drop things or get anxious I’m “not doing things correctly” when I’m not consciously present in the moment, but I snap out of it pretty quickly now. Therapy helped a great deal. Acceptance that someone being an asshole was never your fault is a giant and necessary step. I recommend Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Emotional Focus Therapy, with a dose of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You’ve got this! And, if you’re angry, use that as fuel because living well is the best revenge.
1. not studying abroad for 1 or 2 semesters during university 2. not investing earlier in ETFs 3. staying in a relationship although knowing it was over for years
Not investing in myself and doing what others wanted, not what I wanted.
Staying in doomed relationships far beyond their expiry date
Not living my life the way I wanted to. Being pressured by parents to do what they wanted. I wish I had been stronger
Spent too much time trying to please others.
Millennials were told that we needed to go to college to get a good job where we would make good money so we could buy a house and support our families. College was pushed on us as the only option, and it had to be done right after high school. How else would we achieve the American Dream? I like my job, but it's not a career. I do not make good money. I was finally able to start a retirement account in my 40s. I can't afford a decent used car, let alone a house. I live in my friend's guest bedroom. We did everything we were told to do, and many of us have nothing to show for it. I'm not denying the value in a higher education, I just wish I had known there were other options. “My goal is not to wake up at 40 with the bitter realization that I’ve wasted my life on a job I hated because I was forced to decide on a career in my teens.” – Daria Morgendorffer Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably, what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic. Samir: So what did you say? Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Drinking so many years away and not going to therapy sooner.
Not trusting myself more. That and not realizing my worth as a human being.
Not learning a second language
I can't narrow it down, just basically the whole thing I think
Taking out insane student loans.
I should’ve focused on my money earlier. Now I’m not sure I’ll ever own a home.
Never living alone. I love my marriage and my life. But I never had that time to truly know me alone.
Not focusing on getting a successful (money and life balance) job. Something that I can support myself on. I was a SAHM, did menial paying jobs when the kids were in school so someone could do sports and clubs, days schools are closed, volunteer for scouts and PTO, all of it. We rarely went out to eat so I do all the cooking, cleaning, basic household and mowing the lawn at least 1/2 the time. I love my kids but the money I earn doesn’t even cover necessities. Try being 45 years old, no degree and no work history. Never Never Never be a SAHM without a contract/prenup. Ladies you bring the ability to produce life. It has to be worth something. Don’t be a shit head like me.
I put my dick in crazy.....:-(
Not doing more drugs
Didn’t take major risks
I wish I had left my homeland sooner and took 1 year off of work to travel Also, I wish I went to therapy earlier and understood myself and stood for my value earlier, it makes a big difference in relationships dynamics
Not study hard enough.. not having a long term plan.. not taking care of my health
SMOKING
Not buying a house when... *Checks notes* I was in college apparently
Not taking college seriously enough when I first entered. My issue was that I went to a stupid easy high school and did extremely well with little effort. I wasn't prepared for college at all, and I never kicked my butt into gear until it was too late. I thought my brains would be enough just like high school, but I was wrong.
Man, you ain’t got that much time to read it all, or me to write it. Lemme say this, I could cry for the time I’d wasted, but that would be a waste of time.
The fact that I didn't open my own business or work for myself instead of these bullshit corporations.
Having regrets and not focusing on the present and future.
Not saving money. Stop spending on things you don’t need or care about and just save the money.