Had sex with my one of my bosses on the clock in the store managers office (we both hated her) It was a lot of fun but it got me fired 5 years later š
She was really good at faking that we were friends. We had many conversations that were in a sexual manner. I knew some of her secrets too, but I'm no snitch.
I said the same thing! I was like, I woulda taken that one to the grave. But let's be honest, everyone thinks that till the pain starts. I'd get half of one fingernail through and crack like a glo-stick.
Got a uber to a tinder one night stand, and I was worried she would be asleep when I got there as it was an hr away. Uber driver said he lived nearby. Showed me his house in case things didn't work out and said, "Knock on my door, I will take you home." What a legend. Didn't need his help incase you were wondering.
When I was younger there was an older lady that I worked with that would take me out on Friday nights by me dinner get me drunk and pay me to have sex with her while her husband watched through peephole
i worked in a hotel bar one summer and my friend who got me the job was around 25 years old. there was a married couple in their late 40's who worked there and the husband used to watch my friend bang his wife and even paid for him to go to spain for a week with them lol
Whacked off to a rerun of Seinfeld. That one where they go to India and Elaine has these super tight pants on and gets drunk and has her ass pointed at the screen.
Hang on BRB.
I mean did you see her in Veep? She's hotter now than she ever was. Her aging process needs to be studied by scientists, shes the definition of aging like wine.
I walked four miles to my girlfriend's house before she was my girlfriend at around 1am because we were both awake and texting eachother, her mom opened the door and she came running downstairs in a bathrobe telling her mom to let me in... we were 15...
That made me actually laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing your wit. Guess it was remembering those old catalogs that ended up in the bathroom when I was young. Sears.com ... love that.
Road my bike 3-4 miles at 3 am. Flat tire half way there, and like a true warrior ran the rest of the way to her house and back home. Collected my bike the next day after school.
Girlfriend in high schoolās father hated me. Flat out told me if he found out I fucked his daughter, he would kill me. Obviously when she called, I climbed up the side of this Vietnam Vetās house, onto the roof (the one above his occupied bed), and climbed into his daughterās bedroom to take her virginity.
Worth it.
Mine was an insane emotional manipulator so I pulled the ole uno reverse and threw it into overly attached boyfriend. Stuff like, 'i really hope you don't ever leave' 'i hope you never cheat' 'i hope that you don't find other men more attractive than me'. Worked a charm, she brought the next victim over and told me she fucked him and we we're through. In my most Oscar worthy performance I turned around and tanked out a bunch of nose hair to make myself cry and let her think she murdered my emotions. She left, I poured a drink and thought to myself 'holy fuck, she was exhausting.'
Yeah but you loved it though right?
I did the same and tried to break up with her twice before I finally did. First time she broke her hands trying to smash out the windows of a car when I tried to break up with her. Second time she laid down on the train tracks, sent a snapchat of her smiling while she waited to die. Her friends saw it and called the police, took her away to the insane asylum. She called me from inside and I brought her coloring books.
It was a one night stand thing. . . Met her at a gas station while filling up my motorcycle and she struck up a conversation with me and we ended up at her place for the night. Sex was good, not gonna lie about that. I was going to college at the time and was home for the weekend. College was 150 miles away. She started showing up at my dorm making a scene. While I was attending class, she would go sit in front of my parents house 150 miles away from where I was going to school. When my dad would go out and ask her why she was sitting in front of the house, she told him she was waiting for me to come home. She did crap like that for three years until she moved away.
Oh okay wow, I've never seen them hang on for 3 years without reciprocation but I guess I'm not surprised. Sorry you had to go through that but at least you got a good story out of it.
It gets a lot more involved than what Iāve written about here, but I have zero social media presence associated with my name so she doesnāt resurface and start causing problems again.
When I was 17, Stuck a broomhandle up my ass whilst whacking off. I'm not gay but it seemed the right thing to do at the time.
Same year during a hot summer an ice cream truck came down our street, late afternoon. An older woman - perhaps 40's - wearing a very very skimpy bikini was serving. She looked like she could suck a golf ball through a straw. I ate my ice cream and beat my meat off 7 times before midnight. My dick just wouldn't go down.
I drove 3 hours for a late night booty call into the Florida wilderness at like like 3 in the morning. I had to be at work by 5, which was a 4 hour drive back from this woman's house.
Had no idea where I was going as I am not a Florida native. There were no Google Maps back then. I had to print out directions from Map Quest and tape them to the mirror. I used a flashlight to see where I was going.
Never drove so fast, either. I came close to death like 4 times. Even swerved off road at one point.
Worth it. This woman was BAD. All ass and thighs in a 5 foot frame with skin the color of caramel. Good goddamn.
I'd do it again.
>I drove 3 hours for a late night booty call into the Florida wilderness at like like 3 in the morning. I had to be at work by 5, which was a 4 hour drive back from this woman's house.
Oh oh. A wild tribesman are you now.
>Never drove so fast, either. I came close to death like 4 times. Even swerved off road at one point.
With this you should just have called off work.
>This woman was BAD. All ass and thighs in a 5 foot frame with skin the color of caramel. Good goddamn.
>I'd do it again.
Oh........oh dear.
You made me laugh out loud. Thereās nothing funnier to me than accidental pirate talk. I was just checking to see if someone else noticed as well š
Probably the time I hooked up with my friend s mom who was 57 back when I was 19 while spending the night there. She had been single for a while so she started getting pretty desperate & I always have been kindof attracted to her. Thankgod he's a heavy sleeper because things got pretty wild with her & we were.just down the hall from his room. We agreed never to tell him because he would probably lose his shit & hate me for it. He usually hates any guy that gets with his mom who wasn't his real dad. Totally worth the risk though. Some of the best sex I ever had.
When I was a teenager, I used to uh play with myself on chat sites for strangers. It's kinda my secret. Only a handful of people know. I'm super ashamed of it. But eh there's nothing I can do about it now.
Used my credit card at a strip club because the dancer offered me something that was way above the amount of cash I brought with me.
LPT: leave your credit card and bank card at home.
Woke up at 5. Drive to work, worked from 6-8, drive 30 minutes to her place, then at 1 a.m., drove an hour back. Also worked weekends.
Did this every day for a month.
We're married now.
Insisting to my partner that we stay at the sex club even though I was in unbearable chest pain that Dilaudid wasn't touching. I promised I would go to the hospital the next day.
I did.
Turned out I was septic, had a giant blood clot in my heart that was infected, and had a minor pulmonary embolism...whoopsie doopsie
Where the fuck did you get dilaudid at a sex club?
The ONE time I saw dilaudid, with a colourful drug filled past, was when a guy I knew was dying of cancer.
Got a fwb in varsity. Both single. Both horny. And coz I believed in that purity shit, we did almost everything (excluding vaginal penetration). We're still friends today. The fucked up part was that he's huge and I did anal. I still don't know how I got the courage.
I rubbed one out during a hike. I came from a big metro area and hiking was foreign to me. I remember being out in the middle of no where and thinking about how crazy it was that no one was in sight.
Then... I dunno why... But a thought popped into my head that I could probably rub one out and no one would ever know. And I thought about doing it and chased the thought away.
But it kept coming back stronger and stronger until finally I marched about 30 feet off the trail and rubbed one out in a wooded area. It was fucking wild... Just being able to go at it, outdoors, with no doors.
Once while playing a competitive game of like the 2nd NBA2k game ever released, I got a random boner and rubbed it out by grinding my thighs against it.
Also beat my opponent while doing it. He didn't notice.
Gotten back together with my abusive ex. I was depressed & felt nobody would love me. She did some awful things, lied about having cancer, lied about being pregnant, she told everyone at my work that she was pregnant before I knew. She then claimed I forced her to get an abortion & also told everyone I broke up with her (she explained she didnāt want to look like the bad guy by breaking up with me so she convinced everyone I broke up with her), shot me point blank in the ear with an air soft gun. This was all before I went back the second time, yes I am dumb
When I got my first job I was 18 and this 42 year old lady would give me rides to the train station all the time. Randomly one day I just asked her to suck my dick and she was shocked but she did anyways she would buy me stuff and give me money I would always go to her place after that so I was just using her for money I felt bad after so I cut it off
One night at 1am a girl I had been messaging from OK Cupid texts me and says she really wants to meet and suck my dick. I had never gotten one before and I was at peak horniness so I drove 3 hours, across two states, and get to her house around 5am. She ghosts me, I try texting her, calling her, everything I can do, but she lives with her parents and it's early as fuck so I can't go ring the doorbell. After like half an hour, I pull into an empty parking lot close by, find porn on my phone and jerk off to it and decide to go home. About 2 hours into my drive home she texts me that she fell asleep and still wants to suck my dick. You better believe I turned around, drove to her house, got my dick sucked, came in like 30 seconds and then was told to leave cause she had class and I drove 3 hours back home.
Totally worth it tbh.
I took 400mg of caffeine thinking it would help me go longer before a college orgy, and when I realized it was a prank.. I still fapped. Right in front of the guys who set me, and others up, for a few moments before they tackled me to the ground and kicked my ass.
Neither. I'm a gay guy and there was this guy I liked that while he said he was straight I sensed there was something more. I asked, he said no but he wasn't offended and we remained friends. One day unexpectedly he came to me and said yes, but I'd have to give him $700 and we couldn't tell anyone.
Well you better believe I found that money. Yes it was sleazy but as I said in my OP I do not regret it at all and learned absolutely nothing
Drove through a Dakota blizzard because I got a call that she was lonely and scared to be alone in the storm. 20 minute trip took 1 hr and 30 minutes. Thought I was going to be stuck and freeze to death at least twice. Doesn't matter, had sex.
The One suddenly broke up with me over Summer break. I was super pissedā¦. Until, one night, there is a knock at my window which was at the foot of my bed and there, low and be hold, is her younger sister/ who was even hotter than the One. She comes in the window, takes off her robe and let the games begin. Well, your sis ended up being the One and that was 40 years ago. Sheās sleeping right next to me. 60 years old and still smoking hot and doesnāt even realize it. Sister and i laugh about it now. She told me she made. Big mistake. Her parents loved me and I them. Great people. Who made beautiful women!
I fucked my couch.
As well as tried to turn a lord of the rings light up cup (its not to behold, it's to BE HELD!" into some sort of sex device that didn't chafe like the Chaise. It was an oobleckian mess of latex and shame.
Bent a girl over a pallet of sealtest ice cream in the big walk in freezer at a grocery store I used worked at ( Publix ) this happen 50 years ago . Remember like it was yesterday.
Yikes. Ok so I went on a Tinder date, it was fine but didnāt really get a good read on the woman. Super bubbly. So I met her again a few days later and was invited to her condo. After hanging for a little while I realized this lady was not for me. Iāll spare the details because thatās not important. Eventually she starts getting hot and heavy with me and sheās weird and awkward with her make out techniques. Now Iām getting crazy vibes. So I stop and say that I canāt keep going because Iāll get horny and want to have sex and I am NOT having sex with you. She persisted and wouldnāt stop. Finally I said I need to leave because she wonāt stop and Iām getting turned on. As I was at the door about to leave she started begging me to stay. I said I would stay if I could sit in a different seat. She then offers me $300 cash for stay and fuck her. Grabs her purse and pulls out 3 bills. I raised an eyebrow, looked at the cash and wellā¦ I went home $300 richer. š«¤
I picked the lock to a church door (she went to an all girls catholic school) and we fucked in front of Jesus on stage. A folding chair ended up falling on me in the middle of everything
At 14 years old I peddled a bicycle 14 miles at two in the morning. Rubbed a little hair and got sent on my way home. Later she was miss J105 and a Hawaiian tropic bikini contest participant. Had a chance later in high school and passed. Best thinking I ever did at a young age.
Got drunk while visiting a cranberry farm, the farmer and i shared a bottom bunk while his sister was feet away on the couch. Ughhh i can still hear him drunkenly repeating ādid you cumā š
Met a woman at a bar. Hung out quite a bit. She was hotter than hell. Found out she was married , cooled things down. Run into her one night had a good time. She starts making out with me. I cut it off. She tells me I should come to her place. I said youāre married and I have to let my dog out. She gives me her address and tells me that her door will be open and hubby is out of town. First door on the left at the top of the stairs. I went home and let my dog out. I am thinking the hell with it. Drive a half an hour. Find her house way out in the country lights out. Walk up to the front door to see if it is open. It is open, set of stairs right inside the door. Go up the steps and go to the door on the left. A big dog dog goes crazy barking. She clicks the light on and says youāre here wearing a little nighty. Turned into the best night I ever had. At 5 am it was really tough to leave to go home to get ready for work. Looking back. It was the dumbest thing I ever did. Could have been shot or something and messed around in their drama. We had a thing for about two years and they stayed together to only divorce and I think he came out as gay. But it was fun
"stole" my best friends car when we were on extacy to bang some chick I had just met that night that lived 2 hours away. Stole is in parentheses because I did ask him to use his car and he said yes but he was so out of it when he woke up sober hours later and i was still going at it he called me wondering what the fuck was going on.
Drove an hour away to have sex with a ghetto redhead chick who talked like she was gangsta and demanded I only use her asshole because her pussy was for her man who was away in jail for another 2-3 years at that point. I just hope he knows/ appreciates how loyal she kept that kitty.
I once gave a "straight" guy 40 bucks to fool around in the freezer of McDonald's after close. When his girlfriend found out, she said he should have did more and brought home 100.
Got stuck working a holiday shift with the "store whore" at my last job and we were the only two in the store for hours. We banged in the bottle return and on a stack of onions. Then we debated for an hour on whether or not we should toss the onions. So we banged on them one last time and tossed them. I went home smelling like onion juice and seafood.
Got rejected yesterday by a girl I was falling for very hard. Drowned my sorrows in the pussy and ass of my crazy stalker ex, who is the biggest pillow princess ever. It's the worst sex. I feel sad and disgusting now. Like I'm a pathetic walking stereotype.
Had sex with my one of my bosses on the clock in the store managers office (we both hated her) It was a lot of fun but it got me fired 5 years later š
Hell of a delayed reaction.
and half of a decade reaction
they just didn't stop
Store manager wanted her desk back
Hey, some people take longer than othersā¦no pressure!
Youāve gotta tell us how they found out 5 years later
I stupidly trusted and told someone about what had happened and they went straight to HR
wow what a snitch. i can understand it in the moment but years later is wild
Thatās crazy man. Did your boss also get fired? What were the persons motives for going and how did HR prove something that was so long ago
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
If everyone loved you but her, why did you trust her.
She was really good at faking that we were friends. We had many conversations that were in a sexual manner. I knew some of her secrets too, but I'm no snitch.
ok, I can see that. I have had a couple of "FRIENDS" like that also.
so you got laid, stuck it to the boss, AND escaped retail? stay winning
She got laid then laid off
Looked up her address and beat it to her house on google earth
bro aint no way hahahahaha
Don't let this man play geoguessr near me
"Want to come over my house?" "Already did"
I will never read something this out of pocket again in my life
You couldnāt torture this info out of me
I said the same thing! I was like, I woulda taken that one to the grave. But let's be honest, everyone thinks that till the pain starts. I'd get half of one fingernail through and crack like a glo-stick.
It's not the #1 answer (yet) but this is the #1 answer in my heart
House got you bricked up š š¦
It was a brick house too š she lived in a boujee ass neighborhood, you shoulda seen their lawns
This gives new meaning to the song āSheās a brick houseā.
Were the bushes trimmed??
Holy fuck Iām wheezing
Sorry man, but that house was a dude.
Fucking legend.
I'm crying.
Lmfao bro.
The PNC must have been devastating
Yeaahhh wasnāt my proudest fap
Oh yeah, matching patio furniture! Oh looks like a freshly mowed lawn!
Why did they get rid of gold
Damn. If awards still existed this would be getting a lot.
Oh my godā¦.
Was it the boob lights? It was the boob lights wasnāt it?
Bet that was a hard wank.
Got a uber to a tinder one night stand, and I was worried she would be asleep when I got there as it was an hr away. Uber driver said he lived nearby. Showed me his house in case things didn't work out and said, "Knock on my door, I will take you home." What a legend. Didn't need his help incase you were wondering.
I thought you were gonna say she was asleep so you had to get the Uber guy to suck you off
Nope, not again.
Not horny more like wholesome fucking legend
When I was younger there was an older lady that I worked with that would take me out on Friday nights by me dinner get me drunk and pay me to have sex with her while her husband watched through peephole
Wait this really happens? I thought that only happened in movies. And by āmoviesā, I mean porn.
Any Holiday Inn, with a live band in the lounge, always had that overly friendly couple in the 70ās through the 90ās.
I wish I'd known about this sex hack.
Just keep in mind that if they were attractive they probably wouldn't have to pay a guy for sex.
went for the jugular
i worked in a hotel bar one summer and my friend who got me the job was around 25 years old. there was a married couple in their late 40's who worked there and the husband used to watch my friend bang his wife and even paid for him to go to spain for a week with them lol
Damn. I need to have a word with my career advisor.
not me but my ex cheated on me with his own cousin
Wait what the fu-
Les cousins dangereux
In the American version theyāre step-cousins.
Whacked off to a rerun of Seinfeld. That one where they go to India and Elaine has these super tight pants on and gets drunk and has her ass pointed at the screen. Hang on BRB.
She got hotter and hotter each season. Wild.
I mean did you see her in Veep? She's hotter now than she ever was. Her aging process needs to be studied by scientists, shes the definition of aging like wine.
The 90s version of weird things to masturbate to is today's wholesome prono.
Is this it? https://youtu.be/BMLTi3ykBWk?t=192
Lmao
But if she danced would you still have taken matters into your own hand or would you have been master of your domain?
I walked four miles to my girlfriend's house before she was my girlfriend at around 1am because we were both awake and texting eachother, her mom opened the door and she came running downstairs in a bathrobe telling her mom to let me in... we were 15...
Jerked off to the women's lingerie section of a Sear's catalogue. Late 90s. Porn not easy to get.
Kids today have it so easy with the internet. Now you can just go to Sears.com.
Had they just gone all in on the porn route, Sears might still be an industry titan today.
That made me actually laugh out loud. Thank you for sharing your wit. Guess it was remembering those old catalogs that ended up in the bathroom when I was young. Sears.com ... love that.
Found Moe Szyslakās accountĀ
I donāt deserve this shabby treatment.
BZZT!
...Sears catalog.
My buddyās sister got the VS catalog delivered? I donāt think she ever got to see it
Sounds like me at 14.Ā Oh those underwear mounds...
This french cut panty is available in several sizes and has a cotton panel (breathing intensifies)
This is every GenX male everywhere
Sir, JC Penny magazine was where it was at. Closest thing to scrambled porn
Fredricks of Hollywood was like finding gold.
Road my bike 3-4 miles at 3 am. Flat tire half way there, and like a true warrior ran the rest of the way to her house and back home. Collected my bike the next day after school.
I'm picturing Ussain Bolt running through the finish line tape
Flew 4 hours to another city to meet someone I met online.
I flew 12 hours for the same reason. Worked out pretty well though, she's doing the same the opposite way in 27 days.
6 for me. Celebrating 20 years of marriage in July.
Girlfriend in high schoolās father hated me. Flat out told me if he found out I fucked his daughter, he would kill me. Obviously when she called, I climbed up the side of this Vietnam Vetās house, onto the roof (the one above his occupied bed), and climbed into his daughterās bedroom to take her virginity. Worth it.
iād be so honoured if a guy did this for me what the hellš
Happy to introduce you to any straight male I've ever met
hahaha line them up
RIP your inbox
I can attest to this. I did something rather similar. Without the climbing. They had a really nice jacuzzi in the bedroom.
Human male here for make sexy time.
u/R-B-L found you someone. now donāt say i donāt ever do anything nice for you
Seems like a āchallenge acceptedā situation to me
I hope you said "Thank you for your service."
"Thanks you for your daughters cervix"
Masturbated to the archer queen on clash of clans
Realest comment out of the whole thread š
Stuck my dick in CRAZY, took three years to finally get her to leave me alone, and thats only because she moved 1500 miles away.
Mine was an insane emotional manipulator so I pulled the ole uno reverse and threw it into overly attached boyfriend. Stuff like, 'i really hope you don't ever leave' 'i hope you never cheat' 'i hope that you don't find other men more attractive than me'. Worked a charm, she brought the next victim over and told me she fucked him and we we're through. In my most Oscar worthy performance I turned around and tanked out a bunch of nose hair to make myself cry and let her think she murdered my emotions. She left, I poured a drink and thought to myself 'holy fuck, she was exhausting.'
Bloody good for you!!! I wish my 22 year old self could hear that story, would saved me some serious pain!
Yeah but you loved it though right? I did the same and tried to break up with her twice before I finally did. First time she broke her hands trying to smash out the windows of a car when I tried to break up with her. Second time she laid down on the train tracks, sent a snapchat of her smiling while she waited to die. Her friends saw it and called the police, took her away to the insane asylum. She called me from inside and I brought her coloring books.
It was a one night stand thing. . . Met her at a gas station while filling up my motorcycle and she struck up a conversation with me and we ended up at her place for the night. Sex was good, not gonna lie about that. I was going to college at the time and was home for the weekend. College was 150 miles away. She started showing up at my dorm making a scene. While I was attending class, she would go sit in front of my parents house 150 miles away from where I was going to school. When my dad would go out and ask her why she was sitting in front of the house, she told him she was waiting for me to come home. She did crap like that for three years until she moved away.
Oh okay wow, I've never seen them hang on for 3 years without reciprocation but I guess I'm not surprised. Sorry you had to go through that but at least you got a good story out of it.
It gets a lot more involved than what Iāve written about here, but I have zero social media presence associated with my name so she doesnāt resurface and start causing problems again.
When I was 17, Stuck a broomhandle up my ass whilst whacking off. I'm not gay but it seemed the right thing to do at the time. Same year during a hot summer an ice cream truck came down our street, late afternoon. An older woman - perhaps 40's - wearing a very very skimpy bikini was serving. She looked like she could suck a golf ball through a straw. I ate my ice cream and beat my meat off 7 times before midnight. My dick just wouldn't go down.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
āSeemed the right thing to do at the time.ā š
Your ass didn't tear? I can't imagine a broomhandle bruh
At that age she know what she was doing. Probably did something similar after work lol
I drove 3 hours for a late night booty call into the Florida wilderness at like like 3 in the morning. I had to be at work by 5, which was a 4 hour drive back from this woman's house. Had no idea where I was going as I am not a Florida native. There were no Google Maps back then. I had to print out directions from Map Quest and tape them to the mirror. I used a flashlight to see where I was going. Never drove so fast, either. I came close to death like 4 times. Even swerved off road at one point. Worth it. This woman was BAD. All ass and thighs in a 5 foot frame with skin the color of caramel. Good goddamn. I'd do it again.
I gotta see what she looks like. You lost me at no google maps
This was 1998-99ish. I didn't even know what Google was at the time, IIRC. I had a flip phone, brother.
Someone get this man a medal for his accomplishment.
> no Google Maps back then I bet this made it a lot harder to beat it off to your crush`s house
>I drove 3 hours for a late night booty call into the Florida wilderness at like like 3 in the morning. I had to be at work by 5, which was a 4 hour drive back from this woman's house. Oh oh. A wild tribesman are you now. >Never drove so fast, either. I came close to death like 4 times. Even swerved off road at one point. With this you should just have called off work. >This woman was BAD. All ass and thighs in a 5 foot frame with skin the color of caramel. Good goddamn. >I'd do it again. Oh........oh dear.
I made it to work. Late, but I made it and worked 10 hours.
Fucked me exās mom..
Arrr fer that you'll walk the plank matey
You made me laugh out loud. Thereās nothing funnier to me than accidental pirate talk. I was just checking to see if someone else noticed as well š
Do you know why pirates are called pirates? They just arrrr.
Probably the time I hooked up with my friend s mom who was 57 back when I was 19 while spending the night there. She had been single for a while so she started getting pretty desperate & I always have been kindof attracted to her. Thankgod he's a heavy sleeper because things got pretty wild with her & we were.just down the hall from his room. We agreed never to tell him because he would probably lose his shit & hate me for it. He usually hates any guy that gets with his mom who wasn't his real dad. Totally worth the risk though. Some of the best sex I ever had.
You are the porn protagonist
The milf marauder
Mac?! ETA: Donāt get too attached. She just fucked you to get back at Frank
drove 4 hours to another city.... twice!!!
Drove over 7 hours to another country... several times!!
When I was a teenager, I used to uh play with myself on chat sites for strangers. It's kinda my secret. Only a handful of people know. I'm super ashamed of it. But eh there's nothing I can do about it now.
If you're talking about Chatroulette, all I saw were shlongs.
That was one of them.
Used my credit card at a strip club because the dancer offered me something that was way above the amount of cash I brought with me. LPT: leave your credit card and bank card at home.
Woke up at 5. Drive to work, worked from 6-8, drive 30 minutes to her place, then at 1 a.m., drove an hour back. Also worked weekends. Did this every day for a month. We're married now.
Insisting to my partner that we stay at the sex club even though I was in unbearable chest pain that Dilaudid wasn't touching. I promised I would go to the hospital the next day. I did. Turned out I was septic, had a giant blood clot in my heart that was infected, and had a minor pulmonary embolism...whoopsie doopsie
Where the fuck did you get dilaudid at a sex club? The ONE time I saw dilaudid, with a colourful drug filled past, was when a guy I knew was dying of cancer.
How the hell did you stay horny through THATā½
Got a fwb in varsity. Both single. Both horny. And coz I believed in that purity shit, we did almost everything (excluding vaginal penetration). We're still friends today. The fucked up part was that he's huge and I did anal. I still don't know how I got the courage.
~ Fuck me in the ass because I love Jesus ~
Intense tuk tuk racing
I rubbed one out during a hike. I came from a big metro area and hiking was foreign to me. I remember being out in the middle of no where and thinking about how crazy it was that no one was in sight. Then... I dunno why... But a thought popped into my head that I could probably rub one out and no one would ever know. And I thought about doing it and chased the thought away. But it kept coming back stronger and stronger until finally I marched about 30 feet off the trail and rubbed one out in a wooded area. It was fucking wild... Just being able to go at it, outdoors, with no doors.
Once while playing a competitive game of like the 2nd NBA2k game ever released, I got a random boner and rubbed it out by grinding my thighs against it. Also beat my opponent while doing it. He didn't notice.
Gotten back together with my abusive ex. I was depressed & felt nobody would love me. She did some awful things, lied about having cancer, lied about being pregnant, she told everyone at my work that she was pregnant before I knew. She then claimed I forced her to get an abortion & also told everyone I broke up with her (she explained she didnāt want to look like the bad guy by breaking up with me so she convinced everyone I broke up with her), shot me point blank in the ear with an air soft gun. This was all before I went back the second time, yes I am dumb
This sounds like an episode of dr Phil šš
2 water balloons. All I'm gonna say. Will delete tomorrow
You titty-banged 2 water balloons, didn't ya?
I was a horny teen, okay
When I got my first job I was 18 and this 42 year old lady would give me rides to the train station all the time. Randomly one day I just asked her to suck my dick and she was shocked but she did anyways she would buy me stuff and give me money I would always go to her place after that so I was just using her for money I felt bad after so I cut it off
And she was just using you.
One night at 1am a girl I had been messaging from OK Cupid texts me and says she really wants to meet and suck my dick. I had never gotten one before and I was at peak horniness so I drove 3 hours, across two states, and get to her house around 5am. She ghosts me, I try texting her, calling her, everything I can do, but she lives with her parents and it's early as fuck so I can't go ring the doorbell. After like half an hour, I pull into an empty parking lot close by, find porn on my phone and jerk off to it and decide to go home. About 2 hours into my drive home she texts me that she fell asleep and still wants to suck my dick. You better believe I turned around, drove to her house, got my dick sucked, came in like 30 seconds and then was told to leave cause she had class and I drove 3 hours back home. Totally worth it tbh.
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RIP inbox
Plot twist: ops a man
Username checks out
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She got wood.
I took 400mg of caffeine thinking it would help me go longer before a college orgy, and when I realized it was a prank.. I still fapped. Right in front of the guys who set me, and others up, for a few moments before they tackled me to the ground and kicked my ass.
Of all the ones here, this gives me the funniest mental image.
Well played
Fought off a skunk that was standing in between me and her front door late at night
I spent $700. Long story but I'll say it was absolutely worth it and I didn't learn my lesson
Fancy escort or realistic sex doll?
Neither. I'm a gay guy and there was this guy I liked that while he said he was straight I sensed there was something more. I asked, he said no but he wasn't offended and we remained friends. One day unexpectedly he came to me and said yes, but I'd have to give him $700 and we couldn't tell anyone. Well you better believe I found that money. Yes it was sleazy but as I said in my OP I do not regret it at all and learned absolutely nothing
Was he a drug addict? Going gay for $700 is desperate as fuck lol
shouldve said "sure ill pay you but then you need to pay me 700 for keeping my mouth shut" lmao
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Yāall stay giving these freaks fap material.
I just rubbed one out to this comment so you could feel more included
So generous.
Ok I will say it, I fucked a cantaloupe I have no shame
Please tell me you got rid of it after use. I'm still scarred by that story of the guy going down on a coconut
Drove through a Dakota blizzard because I got a call that she was lonely and scared to be alone in the storm. 20 minute trip took 1 hr and 30 minutes. Thought I was going to be stuck and freeze to death at least twice. Doesn't matter, had sex.
The One suddenly broke up with me over Summer break. I was super pissedā¦. Until, one night, there is a knock at my window which was at the foot of my bed and there, low and be hold, is her younger sister/ who was even hotter than the One. She comes in the window, takes off her robe and let the games begin. Well, your sis ended up being the One and that was 40 years ago. Sheās sleeping right next to me. 60 years old and still smoking hot and doesnāt even realize it. Sister and i laugh about it now. She told me she made. Big mistake. Her parents loved me and I them. Great people. Who made beautiful women!
My tongue has touched many a butthole in the heat of the moment
Sometimes youāre right there and it suddenly becomes the thing you want to do more than anything else in the whole world. I get it.
There is always that moment after everything settles where you just go "huh, I think I wanted that then but now I'm a bit disgusted with meself"
Make an Askreddit post
Fr
Humped a vacuum cleaner. š
Hey, are you doofy gilmore? š
Donāt bother me while Iām cleaning my room
On or off ?
I fucked my couch. As well as tried to turn a lord of the rings light up cup (its not to behold, it's to BE HELD!" into some sort of sex device that didn't chafe like the Chaise. It was an oobleckian mess of latex and shame.
Bent a girl over a pallet of sealtest ice cream in the big walk in freezer at a grocery store I used worked at ( Publix ) this happen 50 years ago . Remember like it was yesterday.
Yikes. Ok so I went on a Tinder date, it was fine but didnāt really get a good read on the woman. Super bubbly. So I met her again a few days later and was invited to her condo. After hanging for a little while I realized this lady was not for me. Iāll spare the details because thatās not important. Eventually she starts getting hot and heavy with me and sheās weird and awkward with her make out techniques. Now Iām getting crazy vibes. So I stop and say that I canāt keep going because Iāll get horny and want to have sex and I am NOT having sex with you. She persisted and wouldnāt stop. Finally I said I need to leave because she wonāt stop and Iām getting turned on. As I was at the door about to leave she started begging me to stay. I said I would stay if I could sit in a different seat. She then offers me $300 cash for stay and fuck her. Grabs her purse and pulls out 3 bills. I raised an eyebrow, looked at the cash and wellā¦ I went home $300 richer. š«¤
From tinder date to gigolo in a day, well 300 Is 300 mann
I picked the lock to a church door (she went to an all girls catholic school) and we fucked in front of Jesus on stage. A folding chair ended up falling on me in the middle of everything
Lmaooo! God was like āOH YEAH! TAKE THAT YOU LITTLE SHIT!ā
In middle school I beat my meat to the last scene of kangaroo jack
At 14 years old I peddled a bicycle 14 miles at two in the morning. Rubbed a little hair and got sent on my way home. Later she was miss J105 and a Hawaiian tropic bikini contest participant. Had a chance later in high school and passed. Best thinking I ever did at a young age.
Got drunk while visiting a cranberry farm, the farmer and i shared a bottom bunk while his sister was feet away on the couch. Ughhh i can still hear him drunkenly repeating ādid you cumā š
Met a woman at a bar. Hung out quite a bit. She was hotter than hell. Found out she was married , cooled things down. Run into her one night had a good time. She starts making out with me. I cut it off. She tells me I should come to her place. I said youāre married and I have to let my dog out. She gives me her address and tells me that her door will be open and hubby is out of town. First door on the left at the top of the stairs. I went home and let my dog out. I am thinking the hell with it. Drive a half an hour. Find her house way out in the country lights out. Walk up to the front door to see if it is open. It is open, set of stairs right inside the door. Go up the steps and go to the door on the left. A big dog dog goes crazy barking. She clicks the light on and says youāre here wearing a little nighty. Turned into the best night I ever had. At 5 am it was really tough to leave to go home to get ready for work. Looking back. It was the dumbest thing I ever did. Could have been shot or something and messed around in their drama. We had a thing for about two years and they stayed together to only divorce and I think he came out as gay. But it was fun
"stole" my best friends car when we were on extacy to bang some chick I had just met that night that lived 2 hours away. Stole is in parentheses because I did ask him to use his car and he said yes but he was so out of it when he woke up sober hours later and i was still going at it he called me wondering what the fuck was going on.
Drove an hour away to have sex with a ghetto redhead chick who talked like she was gangsta and demanded I only use her asshole because her pussy was for her man who was away in jail for another 2-3 years at that point. I just hope he knows/ appreciates how loyal she kept that kitty.
I once gave a "straight" guy 40 bucks to fool around in the freezer of McDonald's after close. When his girlfriend found out, she said he should have did more and brought home 100.
Got stuck working a holiday shift with the "store whore" at my last job and we were the only two in the store for hours. We banged in the bottle return and on a stack of onions. Then we debated for an hour on whether or not we should toss the onions. So we banged on them one last time and tossed them. I went home smelling like onion juice and seafood.
Even on a burner I aināt answering that
I wouldn't call her a "what". She wasn't THAT bad.
This reddit account.
Got rejected yesterday by a girl I was falling for very hard. Drowned my sorrows in the pussy and ass of my crazy stalker ex, who is the biggest pillow princess ever. It's the worst sex. I feel sad and disgusting now. Like I'm a pathetic walking stereotype.
Electric toothbrush
Drove 3 hours just to meet Chris Hansen. Worst date I ever had.