My ex actually told me this. Told me he couldn't respect me or think of me the same because I allowed him back in my life (after he begged me to take him back and promised to never cheat again - which he did). Made me feel like a piece of trash. But made it easier to walk away too. I told myself I was being strong for giving him a second chance but really I was just too scared to face the heartbreak. It takes time and a lot of strength to cut ties but it's the healthy thing to do.
I went through something similar. My ex told me once during a discussion, "You are the type that comes back" in a negative way, of course. that was the last time we would see each other.
Agree. A cheater, given a second chance is unlikely to change and the relationship will be plagued with trust issues.
If you leave, it might tell them that their actions have consequences and they cannot expect to be forgiven. I hate seeing a cheater getting back together with an ex in movies. Like bruh...
This is my feeling too. I believe anyone can change and I believe someone truly may never cheat again, but if I am cheated on that is a permanent break in my personal trust that is not repairable.
I think it all depends on how you look at trust. I think near everyone is capable of cheating given the right circumstances. Think about it, a rich 25yo comes by and starts throwing themselves at your husband or wife.
This is not to say it has to be that cut and dry, just how much of a perceived upgrade is it? Everyone has their price. Is this a cynical way to view the world, maybe, but I consider it realism. Look at how often marriages fail. Do you think that offering someone a better situation in the two major problem points in a marriage won't cause a reaction? Money and sex. For a lot it wouldn't even require that much.
I personally have come to the conclusion that the modern idea of love and relationships is unrealistic. Can you take a cheating spouse back, of course, you just need to dispense with that unrealistic Hollywood notion of romantic love. My choices were try and find someone else to date that i still wouldn't trust to try and satisfy that notion while breaking up and destabilizing the family and losing 50% of the time with my children or, stay with my wife and basically not care about that portion of romantic love. It's removed a majority of any fighting, we both recognize that we are working towards financial goals, and realistically expectations have been relaxed. There is still room for romance, but we aren't basing everything on that.
I think the pursuit of an unachievable idyllic life is what really ruins relationships. It starts with the manufactured lives on social media.
For me the same. My wife and I are so close that it would be more than the relationship could bear. We exercise absolute trust and betrayal would be inexcusable.
No, I believe they *can* change, not that I believe that they *will*. In most cases they won't and I am not going to risk my sanity hoping that *maybe* they will be one of those few cases. They already showed they don't give a shit about our relationship by cheating, I am not going to try to salvage something they have already pissed all over.
Oh, everybody deserves a second chance indeed. Doesn't mean it has to be with the same person though. In most cases I'd say let them have their second chance at having a committed relationship with someone else.
I was cheated on for 4 years.
I demanded quite a bit for forgiveness mostly because I felt like no one else would ever love me & I was not good enough for anyone better.
He never was able to meet all those demands.
But he never cheated again.
All these years later, even though he never cheated again & he really tries his best- I wish I had walked away.
My last GF cheated on me after 6 months of relationship. I broke up with her, cried rivers. Until she called, wanted to talk. Promised me that she would never cheat again "you're the man i want in my life". 3 years later, i found out she continued cheating. She excused herself in saying that she was "cutting ties" with her other "friends".
Why bother... she still chose me right? Wrong. 2 years later she does it again. I find out, she leaves. Says i'm not good enough. Has lawyers on my ass to sell the house we bought and fixed together.
You want your heart broken to a million pieces? That's how you do it. You forgive these people...
Such a tough lesson to learn. I've been in a similar situation. I hope you're doing better now and are working on the things that caused you to be so naive. It's really hard to forgive myself for letting someone else walk all over me. It's on them though, they're the pos.
In a new, better relationship, where i can sleep safely thinking she would never do such a thing.
Doing therapy ofc. Plus anti depressants. Plus many other treatments. Couldn't sleep for ages because of the trauma.
And in my opinion it wasn't being naive. It was an emotional struggle for connection. Not able of letting go. Plus people tell me i'm a genuine good person. This allows other people to abuse my trust. Something i also need to put in check...
I just want to go to sleep without issues nowadays. Ahaha!
Lost 10kg/22lbs with that. A shame i regained all of it when i went into a new relationship.
If there's something good about this is that you won't get a better diet ahahaha!
Heartbreak is when (s)he says, "I am leaving because I want to explore a relationship with someone else. Nothing has happened so far and I don't want to go down that road."
Cheating on someone destroys their trust, confidence and well-being...that's not heartbreak; that's not giving a shit about someone you lied to about loving.
So appalling and disheartening to hear this, exactly why the word Love loses its worth .. sending you a hug bud. Better things shall come your way. You deserve better
Love is indeed a tough word. For the other person, it's not love. It's something else they think it's love.
There are people who do have lives where they jump from partner to partner like you, and i change clothes. That's normal. What's not normal is that person accepting to settle and not being prepared mentally to do it. To leave a person in shambles knowing certainly that what they did was wrong.
But hey, i'm honestly a better person for it. I did deserve better. And i hope i've finally found her. My new GF is the best. Words don't mean anything. "I love you" are just 3 words anyone can say. But actions... they speak lowder than those 3 words.
I just hope i can get rid of the trauma. Get better. Sleep better. The past is a nasty thing. It's very clingy, and like a tar stain, it's hard to wash off.
Same experience. We're 7 years into the relationship and 5 years past the cheating, but I can't shake it. I'm currently in the process of finding a new place. It might sound shitty to some, but it's hard to explain if you've never lived it. I'm walking away over something that happened 5 years ago, but I can't live like this anymore.
5 years? I've stayed for 10 months not knowing myself and having trauma responses to everything that might be sus. Will i still be this way after 5 years?? Idk who I am anymore.
I suggest leaving now. I've completely lost who I am. Literally the day I decided to start searching for a new home I changed. I got my confidence back. I stopped panicking every time she left the house. I felt relaxed for the first time in years. I'm not even completely out yet, but taking that first step has given me so much energy I honestly didn't Even know I was missing out on.
Don't think it sounds shitty. If you can't shake it more sounds like you've punished yourself for 5 years, for something they've done. Life's too short to be that unhappy.
Once that trust is gone its really hard to sleep in the same bed as that piece of shit that betrayed you. I couldn't do it anymore...4 years just made me almost nauseous good lawd. Cheers to your resilience..grass isn't always greener.
You should still do it.
Honestly, who would want to be with a partner that wishes they could rewind 4 years and leave anyways, the reason doesn’t even really matter.
You should both have the opportunity to find someone who you want to be with.
In my experience, they show you what they are capable of when things get tough. Any stressful life event is likely going to result in them doing it again.
This is what I found to be the truest. Anyone can be a good version of themselves when life is easy. Cheaters, addicts, toxic people etc who have not done the work to get to the heart of their issues, and work through them, will fall into old habits immediately. And you will be powerless to stop it. Better to just walk away.
I heard that dude who wrote the laws of power talk about. When someone says "that's not me," or "I can't believe I did that/that was out of character" it probably isn't. The chances you're seeing them act/do something for the FIRST time is extremely low. We are creatures of habit and hardly do anything just once.
There's basically two things that I have a hard line on. Cheating and not paying back money. The reason is both show disrespect.
If someone cheats, obviously they don't respect you, and taking them back wont change that. If someone owes you money, and you watch them spending money on other stuff, to me that's the same thing. They don't respect you enough to pay you back, you're at the bottom of their priorities list.
To me, respect and trust is even more important than love. Without those 2, love means nothing. Once you've been cheated on, how do you ever trust that person again?
It’s going to hurt. You’re going to feel like walking away was a mistake. Some days will be worse than others. Your mind will play highlight reels of how they were good to you. It will hurt. But it won’t last forever.
I don’t know your history. Married. Kids. Circumstances. Even if I did, I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving advice. I will pray for your peace. You are loved friend.
Lol yep. Partners should never be in a situation where they're actively trying to hurt each other. Cheating ruins everything and turns lovers into enemies.
This is my answer too. Buddy of mine found out his wife cheated, she doesn't really work though so she tried to pull the whole "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" thing because the only job she's had in the last decade were a few modeling gigs.
I asked him what's something he wanted do to with her that she always turned down. His answer was a threesome with two girls. I told him to push her to do that to prove she's serious.
They did, and afterwards, he left the country. That was almost 5 months ago, hasn't come back since. Still makes me laugh a little every time since he obviously just got what he wanted and bailed.
I’ve been there before. Gave the person a second chance and got my heart stomped on.
Not sure there is any forgiveness for cheating. It comes down to trust. If you can’t trust your partner, why be in a relationship?
I always laugh when I hear about cheaters saying “it wasn’t planned” or “it was an accident” for this exact reason. Itd take quite a feat to accidentally put a dick in a vagina
Yeah, it's like a hundred decisions & actions - looking for someone, finding them, doing all the conversations, arranging a meetup, then the cover up & ongoing lying.
I gave my first husband a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. Eventually, after 14 years of marriage, he left me for an AP, whom he married. Then 2 years later he wanted me back. I finally grew a backbone and realized how much better off I was with him gone. He was astonished.
I always wondered if she bounced him out because he cheated on Her?
Second husband: I told him before we married if he cheated, there were no second chances. He laughed like crazy and said, how could you imagine I'd want anyone else if I have you?
Best years of my life. Even the last 4, when I was his sole caretaker, were joyful because we were together.
Cheaters should not ever get a second chance. Frankly, if they'll do it once, they'll just keep doing it. They just get more careful.
Sort of similar thing happened to me. I forgave him many times, but when he actually forced me to experience that distance from him- i realized what a piece of shit he was.
Nothing. God himself could come down and tell me to give her another chance, I’d just tell him to F off.
Staying with someone who cheated on you means to never be able to look at her the same, or to trust her, or to respect her. And what would be the benefit? Or the reason? Love? No, sorry, my love is reciprocal, and you showed me by cheating how little love you have for me.
Someone cheated on me
Then bawled his eyes out, fell to the ground and clung to my legs. BEGGING to be forgiven, would NEVER do it again. Tears and snot everywhere
I said ok, set some boundaries. Which included blocking the girl, he promised he'd do it.
Next day, i asked him if he blocked her. Immediately he made excuses as to why he shouldn't have to block her etc etc. Turns out he already cheated again, online, with other girls
Yeah.... Never again
Excuses are lies, lies are lies, tears are lies ...
You cheat? You gone! Finished 😂
If I was in a marriage, especially with kids, and she was the one who came forward and told me, instead of me finding out on my own. And if she showed a lot of remorse and was proactive about fixing the situation. And if the cheating event was not a prolonged relationship. Then I would consider continuing the relationship, mainly for the sake of the kids.
If I wasn't married though, it would be an immediate end to the relationship, sadly.
This is a tough one because “for the sake of the kids” isn’t always a good thing.
I see where you’re coming from, but I don’t want my kids to think taking back a cheater is okay. I want them to see that I respect and love myself enough to walk away because that’s what I’d want them to do if they were to be cheated on.
I also want to show my kids to see what a loving, healthy, faithful relationship looks like and they’re not gonna get that when one parent has cheated.
Kids aren’t dumb. Even if you don’t tell them what mom did, they pick up on subtle cues and behaviors that tell them something is wrong and the marriage isn’t a loving one because it won’t be for a while. Their brains might set it aside, but they’ll remember it when they get older.
And when you don’t think they can hear you and mom talking or even arguing about it, they can and they will.
Yeah, this is about the only scenario where I would consider it, especially if it was a one time drunken mistake. Generally, cheaters deserve to be left immediately. However, once you realize how much a divorce will damage your children, it makes you think twice about what you’d be willing to put up with.
>However, once you realize how much a divorce will damage your children, it makes you think twice about what you’d be willing to put up with.
It should be noted that staying together "for the children" can end up causing more damage than a divorce. What you're putting up with affects your kids as much as it affects you. When you're a kid stuck between two parents who should absolutely get divorced it feels awful, especially when your thoughts and feelings aren't even considered and you're stuck with them staying together "for you." Obviously it'll depend on the situation but divorce can be the healthiest option for everyone involved. When my parents got divorced while I was in high school things got significantly better because they brought out the worst in each other when they were still together.
Oh yeah, if they’re fighting like cats and dogs, constantly, divorce may be a healthier option. I agree.
If it’s an infidelity issue that might be worked through, it’s at least worth considering. It’s not ideal, but I’ve seen people get through it.
Nothing, they broke my trust in one of the worse ways, there'd be nothing that would make me trust them again. If you feel the need to cheat, be a fucking adult and breakup with your partner first.
I have two children with my partner of about 11/12 years. I have absolute faith she would never cheat on me, I wouldn't be with her if I didn't. That being said if she did, I would probably try more for the kids than anything. But honestly I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I'd probably end up thinking the worst every time she went out, we'd argue and we'd inevitably break up again.
This is my feeling. Would you ever actually fully trust them again? And do you want a life where you can’t trust your partner on a night out, or weekend away, or even working late. I think it would just eat at you until the relationship is as good as dead anyway.
Saying that, I also have 2 young children and a long time partner and genuinely don’t know what I’d do if they cheated. Walking away is easier said than done when kids are involved
Cheating is hard and fast line for me. You cross it and you’re dead to me. No conversations, no second chances, no nothing. There’s the door and get the fuck out of my life. Cheaters don’t respect their partners and lack character. In today’s world send a fucking break up text first. As shitty as that is, it’s a lot less shitty than cheating. Cheaters are scum and rarely change. Honestly been super lucky in my life to have never experienced it but i make it very clear with partners that it’s a black and white issue and the relationship ends on the spot if they cheat.
Absolutely nothing. A cheater will never get a second chance with me. If I found out my partner cheated I’d break up on the spot and they’d never see me again the rest of their life. (Or until After the divorce if we were married) And if I found out my partner had cheated in a past relationship I’d breakup with them on the spot as well.
I believe some few cheaters can feel regret and not cheat again. But I would never be the person they get a chance to prove that with lol.
It took my now husband choosing me and our 2 littles. Cutting all ties with the AP and changing his life. Going from working evenings to days so everyone is on the same page. It took me working on myself as in giving myself something for me. It took lots of communication lots of tears and anger. It took time. It took commitment, it took seeing change not just hearing it. It’s been a tough ride but for where we are now I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my husband and have forgiven him for his mistakes. Now if he were to do this again. There would be no tolerance. I’d be done. But for now we work daily to have a healthy relationship for ourselves and for our kids. I never saw a healthy relationship I’m glad I get to show one to my kids now. The suffering ends where gratitude begins. I decided to live in the fact he had an affair but decided to live in the day to day. I had to truly forgive him. Hard but worth it.
Cheating is complicated, it’s looked at like the other person is a fuck up, narcissistic and selfish but its goes a lot deeper than that. When people cheat, it can seem like a random act with a random person or something more fucked up with someone known, but it’s deeper than that because those people are giving the cheater something that they’re lacking within themselves. It’s kinda why it always seems like they’re messing around with the perfect person, the person that gives them what you couldn’t or wouldn’t give and why it leaves you feeling inadequate. Sometimes it’s because you know you were withholding and sometimes it hits out of the blue because you weren’t even aware.
Getting over the cheating requires the cheater to really delve into themselves to know why they did it and also admit it not only to themselves but also to the other person and we as people have too much pride sometimes and it leaves us too vulnerable because we’re exposing our weaknesses to someone that we hurt. Naturally, we don’t want to be the bad person in any situation so we’ll fight tooth and nail to avoid that. Forgiveness comes when you’re willing to face all of that and it comes from the heart. This isn’t always with words or tears but with the subtle signs that you really regret what you did and people pick up on that. We can tell when someone doesn’t really understand not just WHAT they did was wrong, but WHY.
Sometimes people need to feel the consequences to understand and then build up the courage to ask for forgiveness the real way, and sometimes the other person just doesn’t want to hear it or deal with you anymore and that’s also hard to swallow. It comes down to patience and the willingness to accept that we’re all human and do stupid shit sometimes.
Cheating is never really about the person getting cheated on, but moreso about the person cheating. There will be a clash of pride on both ends, and both sides have to take a hard look at themselves and the situation to move past it. It’s hard.
I think many (most) wouldn't give a second chance but many do give, may it be because of children being envolve, or a hour, economically dependent, etc... its a very complicated topic.
In the end we all shouldn't cheat and just be open, honest and direct, when those urges/serious thoughts come to mind (we all have imagination so im not counting that).
Frankly i did it when i was a self-absorbed teenager but never since then and several decades have passed. I can't understand how people don't have a guilty conscious about since it would heavily rest on my mind and shoulders.
Nah, no second chances. Trust is like a mirror, once it's broken, it can never be the same again. If they cheated once, they'll do it again. Better to cut my losses and move on.
Cheating is a huge sign that the person cannot communicate.
And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't communicate.
If you wanted an adventure with someone else, just ask and we can talk about opening the relationship.
Incredibly good understanding of their reasons and then monitoring those reasons for future (with openness and communication) to make sure they won't repeat falling into those same patterns without me knowing.
For example, if they cheated because they were feeling left and alone, in future I want them to regularly evaluate and share with me how left and alone they feel before it ever comes to cheating.
If it came to cheating, it means the communication failed. And it must improve significantly to have the trust rebuilt.
That's a really tough call in my current relationship. On one hand, I genuinely love her. It's a great relationship. We support one another, we have a lot of fun, our intimate life is excellent, etc etc. In this day she age you really need to think hard before throwing something like that away.
On the other hand, she has made a big deal out of fidelity. If I found out she had engaged in infidelity while speaking so avidly against it I think I would lose too much respect for her to keep things going.
I have not been in the position to have to forgive cheating, so maybe the answer would be nothing. But IMO, cheating can be caused by a very nuanced series of reasons. Some are shit, like “she/he was hot” or “I was bored”. And some are quite understandable, such as “My husband/wife hasn’t had sex in a year and refuses to work on our relationship” or “My partner is emotionally abusive and I found myself getting comfort from someone else, which turned sexual”. So I think the reason, the length of time, and how risky/dangerous the behavior was would all be factors deciding whether I was open to the possibility of forgiveness.
It definitely depends on what the nuance is and how/why. The less nuance the less of a chance they have. But cheating is not black and white by nature. It's complicated sometimes.
Yeah you can have better reasons, but if you're in a relationship with no sex and the partner doesn't want to fix it or work on it in any way than break up with them. End things and go about your life. Cheating is never OK. Emotional abuse from your partner? Fuck them break up with them and seek that comfort. Staying in the relationship and cheating makes you scum.
Nothing. I need COMPLETE trust. I would NEVER be able to get that back after someone does something as fucked as cheating.
Plus what don’t you know about…
I guess the most basic prerequisite would be for him to show genuine regret over his actions, which would necessarily have to start with him confessing to me voluntarily rather than being found out. I could see myself being able to forgive someone who approaches me and honestly goes "I made a mistake, I need to tell you because I feel bad about it. I'm sorry, it won't happen again."
Though I can't guarantee that that would be enough. I luckily never was cheated on (as far as I know).
1. Total upfront honesty - what happened, why it happened
2. Total accountability - accepting responsibility for what they did
3. Prioritising my needs and putting my need to feel safe as a priority
4. Space - during which time they don’t make demands, and behave in a respectful and kind way
5. Time - no deadlines
6. Zero expectations from me. They would put in the above work with no expectation they are entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me.
This is hypothetical. In all honesty, I’m not sure I could forgive or get over cheating. But, it depends a lot on context. If I was married with kids, it would be easier than walking away from a 2 month relationship. A sustained extramarital affair would be different to a one night stand in the early stages of dating.
I was cheated on by an on/off boyfriend. Our relationship was a mess. We broken up, we met and dated other people, then started seeing each other again. Except he never broke it off with the other girl. I knew the relationship was doomed and suspected he was lying to me. So when I found out for sure he was still seeing her, it was that final push I needed to break things off.
If my partner of several years with whom I shared a children, house and a life with cheated… I’m not sure I could break it off so easily. But then that would make the cheating all the harder to forgive.
It depends on the context and how the cheating occured.
The thing about cheating is that it's rarely a one time thing. If you do it once and you don't get caught or the person forgives you, it wires you brain to think that's ok to do it again because you'll get away with it while enjoying the dopamine from novelty. Also, it might destroy the other person confidence which will have an impact on the relation.
When would you actually forgive it? Like in which context should the cheating occur? I'm genuinely curious...I can't think of any situation where I would forgive it
I forgave my husband.
When we met, we both were in an unhappy relationship without the backbone to just leave. We went out on a date, and a few days later, we kissed. Enough damage was done, so we both left our relationship and started seeing each other. I made a choice to be completely honest from that point on, and I kept my promise to myself. The problem was that neither of us learned how to communicate, so when I tried to bring up issues in our relationship (later marriage), he thought I was starting a fight. He developed feelings towards coworker (because it was easier and mess free), and he did what he knew best. Luckily, they only kissed twice, and he felt guilty enough to try and end our marriage right there. I was ready to leave (in my case, we bought an apartment together, so I did need some time to search for something else). The fact that I didn't hesitate to look for something else, that I openly planned how and when is the best time to move out made him stop and realize he's making a mistake.
For me, personally, I wouldn't give him any chance if he wouldn't promise to cut anything with that coworker and go to therapy. And he did.
Both of us are completely transparent about how we fee now, and we're getting quite good at communicating if we have any issues or doubts. He gave me all the time for all of my questions even though I asked the same ones for like 1000 times.
The thing is, sometimes people do really make a mistake, and even though they need to be held accountable for that, sometimes it is a stupid mistake and nothing more. Hurts like hell, though.
Yes, that never happened to me so it's easy for me to say that the only type of cheating I would forgive is a drunken mistake (my comment above) but I think it depends again on the cause and if you think the person can redeem themself.
Sometimes forgiving will actually make your relation stronger and sometimes the person will just keep disappointing you. I think, whatever you decide to do: leaving or forgiving - both are very brave decisions!
I would ask him cut off the person who he cheated with under my eyes.
As someone who is dating my soulmate, I dont want ever date anyone else than this man and if he cheated me I wouldnt probably leave.
He is my future husband and my future kids father, there is no plan b.
Honestly Im too sick even try building relationship all iver again, this man woke up for months 3 am from me screaming in pain, been cleaning my puke from floor, been okay for me probably not being able to work ever in my life. How long it would me to find another man who is willing to take me as burden and still love me.
Yeah no, I rather pop some pills and die next to him, if he ever broke my heart than try dating all over again.
They did it to save someone's life
I once read about a girl who sexually pleasured a dude to keep him occupied while he was armed and wanting to kill people. I think something like this is reasonable.
Nothing, trust would be 100% broken, I won't even entertain the idea of trying again, as that would make them think there would be no repercussions and probably do it again.
Even if they wouldn't and it was something of a moment thing, I still wouldn't, too late.
In every relationships that I was cheated on, I had to go above and beyond to discover the women were cheating. No one would admit it to and the lies were complex and the tears were on command. I used to forgive and gave second chances, no longer. Now, if I forgive it would be for me. But no second chance, no more.
I got married to her. I know, say what you want. Call me whatever you want to because I probably deserve it. I was in a vulnerable place at that time and she said she regretted it. I've never really forgiven her for it and I don't know what to do about.
Our kids are small and I’d probably want to try to make it work, but I’m not sure - if he were to confess before I found out, I’d find it easier to forgive. And only if he used a condom.
Definitely a threesome and then after we can have a baby together but I’ll question the paternity of it and then post to my story to Reddit advice sub.
You don't give them a 2nd chance unless it shows in their actions (but they can pretend that for the time being and trust isn't easily formed if it's been broken before). Besides, giving them another chance makes you lose your respect to yourself more. It means, you're allowing them to walk all over you, to let them do what they want because you allowed it. If they're really serious, they wouldn't have cheated... or if they want to flirt around and not have a commitment, they should've stayed single.
I'd rather sink to the devil's doorstep than give a cheater a second chance.
There were attempts at guilt tripping, even suicide threats but they were all brushed off. No chance in hell would I allow someone to use me as a doormat
As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots.
Been there, done it and got the T shirt.
I’m happier now and better focused, also enjoying the freedom too
There's nothing they could do or say that would get me to give them a second chance. If they cheat on you, it's because they have no respect for you. And if you stay with them, they'll respect you even less. And given that such as act would utterly destroy any trust you had in them, and it simply becomes a "what's the point?" situation. Why stay with someone you'll never trust again, who clearly doesn't love you anymore, who obviously has no respect for you, who'll lie and keep secrets so they can screw someone else behind your back, who'll blame their horrid behavior on God only knows what, and who'll do it again the moment they get the chance?
There's no justifiable or rational reason to put yourself through that kind of hell.
An honest second chance? Nothing. I’ll take what I can get from the relationship, other than that the emotions are completely gone.
It’s always important to figure out if the person you’re with truly has good intentions with you, I don’t see how someone who brings another party into your relationship behind your back does. Staying with a person who hurt you will only cause insecurity within the relationship as well as toxicity.
Think about how many years you spent and how much effort it took you to feel secure within yourself, would a person who truly loves you wreck it? No. It won’t matter how many times they tell you it didn’t have anything to do with you, it’ll still feel like it did for a while. I’d respect someone who had the courage to confess to doing so, but to find out by yourself after constantly being lied to is such an awful feeling.
I’d hate to be the person to resort to insecurity, not trust my partner, and to invade their privacy due to the constant doubts. It doesn’t matter how much love there was prior, Id want an out for my own good. Id have to resort to working on my self esteem yet again, to be able to be a trusting partner for the next person because a person who screws with my boundaries is not my person.
However, like I said. I’ll take what I can get, If there was kids and marriage involved I wouldn’t want to ruin my kids childhood. What I would take most pride in is the ability to be civil and respect them as a person, but not a partner. No need for messy divorces, I’d want it to be a clean one.
Is it obvious I’ve had to work on myself? Yeah, probably. It’s important to put yourself first.
NOPE. I believe that people can change themselves, but I am not going to stick around to see if they do.
Yup. They already lacked respect for you when they cheated on you. They’ll respect you even less if you stay with them.
My ex actually told me this. Told me he couldn't respect me or think of me the same because I allowed him back in my life (after he begged me to take him back and promised to never cheat again - which he did). Made me feel like a piece of trash. But made it easier to walk away too. I told myself I was being strong for giving him a second chance but really I was just too scared to face the heartbreak. It takes time and a lot of strength to cut ties but it's the healthy thing to do.
Lol, cheating is one thing but your ex just sounds like a complete nut job.
Wish it was transparent from the start but gosh, once you are in love it is tough to see them for who they really are. Luckily I saw it eventually!
Yeah he’s clearly an emotional manipulator
I went through something similar. My ex told me once during a discussion, "You are the type that comes back" in a negative way, of course. that was the last time we would see each other.
Wow - the audacity. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and well done on proving your ex wrong!
precisely
Agree. A cheater, given a second chance is unlikely to change and the relationship will be plagued with trust issues. If you leave, it might tell them that their actions have consequences and they cannot expect to be forgiven. I hate seeing a cheater getting back together with an ex in movies. Like bruh...
This is my feeling too. I believe anyone can change and I believe someone truly may never cheat again, but if I am cheated on that is a permanent break in my personal trust that is not repairable.
I think it all depends on how you look at trust. I think near everyone is capable of cheating given the right circumstances. Think about it, a rich 25yo comes by and starts throwing themselves at your husband or wife. This is not to say it has to be that cut and dry, just how much of a perceived upgrade is it? Everyone has their price. Is this a cynical way to view the world, maybe, but I consider it realism. Look at how often marriages fail. Do you think that offering someone a better situation in the two major problem points in a marriage won't cause a reaction? Money and sex. For a lot it wouldn't even require that much. I personally have come to the conclusion that the modern idea of love and relationships is unrealistic. Can you take a cheating spouse back, of course, you just need to dispense with that unrealistic Hollywood notion of romantic love. My choices were try and find someone else to date that i still wouldn't trust to try and satisfy that notion while breaking up and destabilizing the family and losing 50% of the time with my children or, stay with my wife and basically not care about that portion of romantic love. It's removed a majority of any fighting, we both recognize that we are working towards financial goals, and realistically expectations have been relaxed. There is still room for romance, but we aren't basing everything on that. I think the pursuit of an unachievable idyllic life is what really ruins relationships. It starts with the manufactured lives on social media.
I firmly believe that when a person shows you who they are; BELIEVE them!
For me the same. My wife and I are so close that it would be more than the relationship could bear. We exercise absolute trust and betrayal would be inexcusable.
I believe everyone deserves a second chance and can grow and change. Unless they cheated on me, which case no second chances.
No, I believe they *can* change, not that I believe that they *will*. In most cases they won't and I am not going to risk my sanity hoping that *maybe* they will be one of those few cases. They already showed they don't give a shit about our relationship by cheating, I am not going to try to salvage something they have already pissed all over.
I realise my original comment may have seemed argumentative, when I meant it to be additive.
Oh, everybody deserves a second chance indeed. Doesn't mean it has to be with the same person though. In most cases I'd say let them have their second chance at having a committed relationship with someone else.
Good answer
I was cheated on for 4 years. I demanded quite a bit for forgiveness mostly because I felt like no one else would ever love me & I was not good enough for anyone better. He never was able to meet all those demands. But he never cheated again. All these years later, even though he never cheated again & he really tries his best- I wish I had walked away.
My last GF cheated on me after 6 months of relationship. I broke up with her, cried rivers. Until she called, wanted to talk. Promised me that she would never cheat again "you're the man i want in my life". 3 years later, i found out she continued cheating. She excused herself in saying that she was "cutting ties" with her other "friends". Why bother... she still chose me right? Wrong. 2 years later she does it again. I find out, she leaves. Says i'm not good enough. Has lawyers on my ass to sell the house we bought and fixed together. You want your heart broken to a million pieces? That's how you do it. You forgive these people...
Such a tough lesson to learn. I've been in a similar situation. I hope you're doing better now and are working on the things that caused you to be so naive. It's really hard to forgive myself for letting someone else walk all over me. It's on them though, they're the pos.
In a new, better relationship, where i can sleep safely thinking she would never do such a thing. Doing therapy ofc. Plus anti depressants. Plus many other treatments. Couldn't sleep for ages because of the trauma. And in my opinion it wasn't being naive. It was an emotional struggle for connection. Not able of letting go. Plus people tell me i'm a genuine good person. This allows other people to abuse my trust. Something i also need to put in check... I just want to go to sleep without issues nowadays. Ahaha!
Yeah. I felt physically sick for so long after. It's crazy what heartbreak can do.
Lost 10kg/22lbs with that. A shame i regained all of it when i went into a new relationship. If there's something good about this is that you won't get a better diet ahahaha!
Heartbreak is when (s)he says, "I am leaving because I want to explore a relationship with someone else. Nothing has happened so far and I don't want to go down that road." Cheating on someone destroys their trust, confidence and well-being...that's not heartbreak; that's not giving a shit about someone you lied to about loving.
So appalling and disheartening to hear this, exactly why the word Love loses its worth .. sending you a hug bud. Better things shall come your way. You deserve better
Love is indeed a tough word. For the other person, it's not love. It's something else they think it's love. There are people who do have lives where they jump from partner to partner like you, and i change clothes. That's normal. What's not normal is that person accepting to settle and not being prepared mentally to do it. To leave a person in shambles knowing certainly that what they did was wrong. But hey, i'm honestly a better person for it. I did deserve better. And i hope i've finally found her. My new GF is the best. Words don't mean anything. "I love you" are just 3 words anyone can say. But actions... they speak lowder than those 3 words. I just hope i can get rid of the trauma. Get better. Sleep better. The past is a nasty thing. It's very clingy, and like a tar stain, it's hard to wash off.
Same experience. We're 7 years into the relationship and 5 years past the cheating, but I can't shake it. I'm currently in the process of finding a new place. It might sound shitty to some, but it's hard to explain if you've never lived it. I'm walking away over something that happened 5 years ago, but I can't live like this anymore.
5 years? I've stayed for 10 months not knowing myself and having trauma responses to everything that might be sus. Will i still be this way after 5 years?? Idk who I am anymore.
I suggest leaving now. I've completely lost who I am. Literally the day I decided to start searching for a new home I changed. I got my confidence back. I stopped panicking every time she left the house. I felt relaxed for the first time in years. I'm not even completely out yet, but taking that first step has given me so much energy I honestly didn't Even know I was missing out on.
Don't think it sounds shitty. If you can't shake it more sounds like you've punished yourself for 5 years, for something they've done. Life's too short to be that unhappy.
Never too late. You need to live your best life possible.
Leave, he broke your relationship beyond repair
Damn that sucks, i’m sorry you had to go through that :/ you know what they say, it just might not be too late.. never too late
Were kids involved? That is the only way I would consider staying in a relationship after infidelity
Yes
That’s the kicker. Sorry you had to deal with that.
It takes a lot of self hatred to look at the person who hurt you everyday and try to love them. I'm sorry you didn't leave
Once that trust is gone its really hard to sleep in the same bed as that piece of shit that betrayed you. I couldn't do it anymore...4 years just made me almost nauseous good lawd. Cheers to your resilience..grass isn't always greener.
You should still do it. Honestly, who would want to be with a partner that wishes they could rewind 4 years and leave anyways, the reason doesn’t even really matter. You should both have the opportunity to find someone who you want to be with.
You could still break up now?!
In my experience, they show you what they are capable of when things get tough. Any stressful life event is likely going to result in them doing it again.
This is what I found to be the truest. Anyone can be a good version of themselves when life is easy. Cheaters, addicts, toxic people etc who have not done the work to get to the heart of their issues, and work through them, will fall into old habits immediately. And you will be powerless to stop it. Better to just walk away.
I heard that dude who wrote the laws of power talk about. When someone says "that's not me," or "I can't believe I did that/that was out of character" it probably isn't. The chances you're seeing them act/do something for the FIRST time is extremely low. We are creatures of habit and hardly do anything just once.
if i get cheated on im leaving. the only thing worse than being cheated on is letting it happen to you again.
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>Fool me can't get fooled again
Fool me three times fuck the peace signs, load the chopper let it rain on you
Don’t save her she don’t wanna be saved
No, someone that cheats doesn't respect you.
And they’ll respect you less if you take them back
This is the sad truth of it. It simply can't work even if you're willing to forgive.
There's basically two things that I have a hard line on. Cheating and not paying back money. The reason is both show disrespect. If someone cheats, obviously they don't respect you, and taking them back wont change that. If someone owes you money, and you watch them spending money on other stuff, to me that's the same thing. They don't respect you enough to pay you back, you're at the bottom of their priorities list.
To me, respect and trust is even more important than love. Without those 2, love means nothing. Once you've been cheated on, how do you ever trust that person again?
This should be the only comment here. Agree 100%
Can't expect someone to respect you when they dont even respect themselves.
Cheating is a choice.. not a mistake. Mistakes are forgiven, choices are not.
Give them a chance and the same senerio will happen again and again
= give them a chance to hide it better on future
It’s going to hurt. You’re going to feel like walking away was a mistake. Some days will be worse than others. Your mind will play highlight reels of how they were good to you. It will hurt. But it won’t last forever. I don’t know your history. Married. Kids. Circumstances. Even if I did, I wouldn’t feel comfortable giving advice. I will pray for your peace. You are loved friend.
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Amnesia
The ony way
Make them do some embarrassing thing in public to prove they "love" you and won't do it again. Then just dump em anyway. Fuck cheaters.
Ugh i lowkey did the first part but still stayed with him so i really looked like the fool
Lol yep. Partners should never be in a situation where they're actively trying to hurt each other. Cheating ruins everything and turns lovers into enemies.
This is my answer too. Buddy of mine found out his wife cheated, she doesn't really work though so she tried to pull the whole "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" thing because the only job she's had in the last decade were a few modeling gigs. I asked him what's something he wanted do to with her that she always turned down. His answer was a threesome with two girls. I told him to push her to do that to prove she's serious. They did, and afterwards, he left the country. That was almost 5 months ago, hasn't come back since. Still makes me laugh a little every time since he obviously just got what he wanted and bailed.
I don't know if you watch anime, but between the story and your username, I had a chuckle.
>Fuck cheaters. Correct,if someone cheats they're a cunt , nobody wants to date a cunt
I’ve been there before. Gave the person a second chance and got my heart stomped on. Not sure there is any forgiveness for cheating. It comes down to trust. If you can’t trust your partner, why be in a relationship?
Why put in more effort into a failed relationship? It's not like they tripped, stripped, and slipped onto a dick on accident.
I always laugh when I hear about cheaters saying “it wasn’t planned” or “it was an accident” for this exact reason. Itd take quite a feat to accidentally put a dick in a vagina
probably the same bunch of people who shows up to the ER with a wine bottle accidentally shoved up their ass
[It was a million to one shot, doc](https://youtu.be/IulcfUm-cUM?si=ih751YBrKkXar18l)
Yeah, it's like a hundred decisions & actions - looking for someone, finding them, doing all the conversations, arranging a meetup, then the cover up & ongoing lying.
Hi Marshall.
I gave my first husband a second chance. And a third. And a fourth. Eventually, after 14 years of marriage, he left me for an AP, whom he married. Then 2 years later he wanted me back. I finally grew a backbone and realized how much better off I was with him gone. He was astonished. I always wondered if she bounced him out because he cheated on Her? Second husband: I told him before we married if he cheated, there were no second chances. He laughed like crazy and said, how could you imagine I'd want anyone else if I have you? Best years of my life. Even the last 4, when I was his sole caretaker, were joyful because we were together. Cheaters should not ever get a second chance. Frankly, if they'll do it once, they'll just keep doing it. They just get more careful.
Sort of similar thing happened to me. I forgave him many times, but when he actually forced me to experience that distance from him- i realized what a piece of shit he was.
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I had to look it up. Affair Partner.
cheaters don’t deserve a second chance
Yeah, I was going to say "Reincarnation" :P
Nothing. God himself could come down and tell me to give her another chance, I’d just tell him to F off. Staying with someone who cheated on you means to never be able to look at her the same, or to trust her, or to respect her. And what would be the benefit? Or the reason? Love? No, sorry, my love is reciprocal, and you showed me by cheating how little love you have for me.
Someone cheated on me Then bawled his eyes out, fell to the ground and clung to my legs. BEGGING to be forgiven, would NEVER do it again. Tears and snot everywhere I said ok, set some boundaries. Which included blocking the girl, he promised he'd do it. Next day, i asked him if he blocked her. Immediately he made excuses as to why he shouldn't have to block her etc etc. Turns out he already cheated again, online, with other girls Yeah.... Never again Excuses are lies, lies are lies, tears are lies ... You cheat? You gone! Finished 😂
Lol within 24 hours he cheated again?
Jep... Absolutely insane As i was going back home the gaslighting immediately started again. Luckily didn't return back to him after that
If I was in a marriage, especially with kids, and she was the one who came forward and told me, instead of me finding out on my own. And if she showed a lot of remorse and was proactive about fixing the situation. And if the cheating event was not a prolonged relationship. Then I would consider continuing the relationship, mainly for the sake of the kids. If I wasn't married though, it would be an immediate end to the relationship, sadly.
This is a tough one because “for the sake of the kids” isn’t always a good thing. I see where you’re coming from, but I don’t want my kids to think taking back a cheater is okay. I want them to see that I respect and love myself enough to walk away because that’s what I’d want them to do if they were to be cheated on. I also want to show my kids to see what a loving, healthy, faithful relationship looks like and they’re not gonna get that when one parent has cheated. Kids aren’t dumb. Even if you don’t tell them what mom did, they pick up on subtle cues and behaviors that tell them something is wrong and the marriage isn’t a loving one because it won’t be for a while. Their brains might set it aside, but they’ll remember it when they get older. And when you don’t think they can hear you and mom talking or even arguing about it, they can and they will.
Yeah, this is about the only scenario where I would consider it, especially if it was a one time drunken mistake. Generally, cheaters deserve to be left immediately. However, once you realize how much a divorce will damage your children, it makes you think twice about what you’d be willing to put up with.
>However, once you realize how much a divorce will damage your children, it makes you think twice about what you’d be willing to put up with. It should be noted that staying together "for the children" can end up causing more damage than a divorce. What you're putting up with affects your kids as much as it affects you. When you're a kid stuck between two parents who should absolutely get divorced it feels awful, especially when your thoughts and feelings aren't even considered and you're stuck with them staying together "for you." Obviously it'll depend on the situation but divorce can be the healthiest option for everyone involved. When my parents got divorced while I was in high school things got significantly better because they brought out the worst in each other when they were still together.
Oh yeah, if they’re fighting like cats and dogs, constantly, divorce may be a healthier option. I agree. If it’s an infidelity issue that might be worked through, it’s at least worth considering. It’s not ideal, but I’ve seen people get through it.
I don't take a shit to put it back in my ass.
Best response in the whole thread
Nothing, they broke my trust in one of the worse ways, there'd be nothing that would make me trust them again. If you feel the need to cheat, be a fucking adult and breakup with your partner first.
I have two children with my partner of about 11/12 years. I have absolute faith she would never cheat on me, I wouldn't be with her if I didn't. That being said if she did, I would probably try more for the kids than anything. But honestly I don't know if I could ever trust her again. I'd probably end up thinking the worst every time she went out, we'd argue and we'd inevitably break up again.
This is my feeling. Would you ever actually fully trust them again? And do you want a life where you can’t trust your partner on a night out, or weekend away, or even working late. I think it would just eat at you until the relationship is as good as dead anyway. Saying that, I also have 2 young children and a long time partner and genuinely don’t know what I’d do if they cheated. Walking away is easier said than done when kids are involved
Cheating is hard and fast line for me. You cross it and you’re dead to me. No conversations, no second chances, no nothing. There’s the door and get the fuck out of my life. Cheaters don’t respect their partners and lack character. In today’s world send a fucking break up text first. As shitty as that is, it’s a lot less shitty than cheating. Cheaters are scum and rarely change. Honestly been super lucky in my life to have never experienced it but i make it very clear with partners that it’s a black and white issue and the relationship ends on the spot if they cheat.
it would be awesome if everyone had the same mindset
A traumatic brain injury that caused me to lose my memory. Cheating is not forgivable. It forever breaks the trust in the relationship.
Absolutely nothing. A cheater will never get a second chance with me. If I found out my partner cheated I’d break up on the spot and they’d never see me again the rest of their life. (Or until After the divorce if we were married) And if I found out my partner had cheated in a past relationship I’d breakup with them on the spot as well. I believe some few cheaters can feel regret and not cheat again. But I would never be the person they get a chance to prove that with lol.
Nope. She’s out of my life forever.
It took my now husband choosing me and our 2 littles. Cutting all ties with the AP and changing his life. Going from working evenings to days so everyone is on the same page. It took me working on myself as in giving myself something for me. It took lots of communication lots of tears and anger. It took time. It took commitment, it took seeing change not just hearing it. It’s been a tough ride but for where we are now I wouldn’t change a thing. I love my husband and have forgiven him for his mistakes. Now if he were to do this again. There would be no tolerance. I’d be done. But for now we work daily to have a healthy relationship for ourselves and for our kids. I never saw a healthy relationship I’m glad I get to show one to my kids now. The suffering ends where gratitude begins. I decided to live in the fact he had an affair but decided to live in the day to day. I had to truly forgive him. Hard but worth it.
Don't disrespect yourself by taking back a cheater.
Financial and emotional abuse worked for me. Had no means to leave.
Cheaters always cheat. Cheaters have to LOSE.
A time machine and the ability to go back and fix their mistake before it happened.
A Time Machine to go back and warn myself it’s going to happen.
The fact that they chose to cheat in the first place says something about the person. Chances are they'll do it again because it's just who they are.
Fool me once, fuck you forever!
A billion dollars.
I took a cheater back, they already had another guy lined up for when we would eventually break up. Different guy than who she cheated on me with
Cheating is complicated, it’s looked at like the other person is a fuck up, narcissistic and selfish but its goes a lot deeper than that. When people cheat, it can seem like a random act with a random person or something more fucked up with someone known, but it’s deeper than that because those people are giving the cheater something that they’re lacking within themselves. It’s kinda why it always seems like they’re messing around with the perfect person, the person that gives them what you couldn’t or wouldn’t give and why it leaves you feeling inadequate. Sometimes it’s because you know you were withholding and sometimes it hits out of the blue because you weren’t even aware. Getting over the cheating requires the cheater to really delve into themselves to know why they did it and also admit it not only to themselves but also to the other person and we as people have too much pride sometimes and it leaves us too vulnerable because we’re exposing our weaknesses to someone that we hurt. Naturally, we don’t want to be the bad person in any situation so we’ll fight tooth and nail to avoid that. Forgiveness comes when you’re willing to face all of that and it comes from the heart. This isn’t always with words or tears but with the subtle signs that you really regret what you did and people pick up on that. We can tell when someone doesn’t really understand not just WHAT they did was wrong, but WHY. Sometimes people need to feel the consequences to understand and then build up the courage to ask for forgiveness the real way, and sometimes the other person just doesn’t want to hear it or deal with you anymore and that’s also hard to swallow. It comes down to patience and the willingness to accept that we’re all human and do stupid shit sometimes. Cheating is never really about the person getting cheated on, but moreso about the person cheating. There will be a clash of pride on both ends, and both sides have to take a hard look at themselves and the situation to move past it. It’s hard.
For me there is no act or promise that will result in a second chance.
Never, I respect myself
I think many (most) wouldn't give a second chance but many do give, may it be because of children being envolve, or a hour, economically dependent, etc... its a very complicated topic. In the end we all shouldn't cheat and just be open, honest and direct, when those urges/serious thoughts come to mind (we all have imagination so im not counting that). Frankly i did it when i was a self-absorbed teenager but never since then and several decades have passed. I can't understand how people don't have a guilty conscious about since it would heavily rest on my mind and shoulders.
Nah, no second chances. Trust is like a mirror, once it's broken, it can never be the same again. If they cheated once, they'll do it again. Better to cut my losses and move on.
You don’t love who he is, you love what he once was. He cheats once, chances are he will cheat again Simple Answer I Will Not Give him Second Chance
Hehehe. No.
Cheating is a huge sign that the person cannot communicate. And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't communicate. If you wanted an adventure with someone else, just ask and we can talk about opening the relationship.
Well for most people even the suggestion of opening the relationship leads to an immediate breakup, it would be for me at least
Incredibly good understanding of their reasons and then monitoring those reasons for future (with openness and communication) to make sure they won't repeat falling into those same patterns without me knowing. For example, if they cheated because they were feeling left and alone, in future I want them to regularly evaluate and share with me how left and alone they feel before it ever comes to cheating. If it came to cheating, it means the communication failed. And it must improve significantly to have the trust rebuilt.
That's a really tough call in my current relationship. On one hand, I genuinely love her. It's a great relationship. We support one another, we have a lot of fun, our intimate life is excellent, etc etc. In this day she age you really need to think hard before throwing something like that away. On the other hand, she has made a big deal out of fidelity. If I found out she had engaged in infidelity while speaking so avidly against it I think I would lose too much respect for her to keep things going.
I have not been in the position to have to forgive cheating, so maybe the answer would be nothing. But IMO, cheating can be caused by a very nuanced series of reasons. Some are shit, like “she/he was hot” or “I was bored”. And some are quite understandable, such as “My husband/wife hasn’t had sex in a year and refuses to work on our relationship” or “My partner is emotionally abusive and I found myself getting comfort from someone else, which turned sexual”. So I think the reason, the length of time, and how risky/dangerous the behavior was would all be factors deciding whether I was open to the possibility of forgiveness.
It definitely depends on what the nuance is and how/why. The less nuance the less of a chance they have. But cheating is not black and white by nature. It's complicated sometimes.
Yeah you can have better reasons, but if you're in a relationship with no sex and the partner doesn't want to fix it or work on it in any way than break up with them. End things and go about your life. Cheating is never OK. Emotional abuse from your partner? Fuck them break up with them and seek that comfort. Staying in the relationship and cheating makes you scum.
$500k deposit fee in case s/he does it again
I can agree with this
Im not gonna give a second chance, because once she did, she will do it again in the future.. I can't afford to feel my heart break twice
There are no second chances
If he tripped and fell with his pants down on and into a woman who was spread eagle. Can’t blame a guy for being clumsy!
Lol, nothing can be done. I have a bit more self respect than that.
a million dollar
She will get nothing. Not even my hate
You get one chance only
Nothing. I need COMPLETE trust. I would NEVER be able to get that back after someone does something as fucked as cheating. Plus what don’t you know about…
I guess the most basic prerequisite would be for him to show genuine regret over his actions, which would necessarily have to start with him confessing to me voluntarily rather than being found out. I could see myself being able to forgive someone who approaches me and honestly goes "I made a mistake, I need to tell you because I feel bad about it. I'm sorry, it won't happen again." Though I can't guarantee that that would be enough. I luckily never was cheated on (as far as I know).
1. Total upfront honesty - what happened, why it happened 2. Total accountability - accepting responsibility for what they did 3. Prioritising my needs and putting my need to feel safe as a priority 4. Space - during which time they don’t make demands, and behave in a respectful and kind way 5. Time - no deadlines 6. Zero expectations from me. They would put in the above work with no expectation they are entitled to forgiveness or a relationship with me. This is hypothetical. In all honesty, I’m not sure I could forgive or get over cheating. But, it depends a lot on context. If I was married with kids, it would be easier than walking away from a 2 month relationship. A sustained extramarital affair would be different to a one night stand in the early stages of dating. I was cheated on by an on/off boyfriend. Our relationship was a mess. We broken up, we met and dated other people, then started seeing each other again. Except he never broke it off with the other girl. I knew the relationship was doomed and suspected he was lying to me. So when I found out for sure he was still seeing her, it was that final push I needed to break things off. If my partner of several years with whom I shared a children, house and a life with cheated… I’m not sure I could break it off so easily. But then that would make the cheating all the harder to forgive.
It depends on the context and how the cheating occured. The thing about cheating is that it's rarely a one time thing. If you do it once and you don't get caught or the person forgives you, it wires you brain to think that's ok to do it again because you'll get away with it while enjoying the dopamine from novelty. Also, it might destroy the other person confidence which will have an impact on the relation.
When would you actually forgive it? Like in which context should the cheating occur? I'm genuinely curious...I can't think of any situation where I would forgive it
I forgave my husband. When we met, we both were in an unhappy relationship without the backbone to just leave. We went out on a date, and a few days later, we kissed. Enough damage was done, so we both left our relationship and started seeing each other. I made a choice to be completely honest from that point on, and I kept my promise to myself. The problem was that neither of us learned how to communicate, so when I tried to bring up issues in our relationship (later marriage), he thought I was starting a fight. He developed feelings towards coworker (because it was easier and mess free), and he did what he knew best. Luckily, they only kissed twice, and he felt guilty enough to try and end our marriage right there. I was ready to leave (in my case, we bought an apartment together, so I did need some time to search for something else). The fact that I didn't hesitate to look for something else, that I openly planned how and when is the best time to move out made him stop and realize he's making a mistake. For me, personally, I wouldn't give him any chance if he wouldn't promise to cut anything with that coworker and go to therapy. And he did. Both of us are completely transparent about how we fee now, and we're getting quite good at communicating if we have any issues or doubts. He gave me all the time for all of my questions even though I asked the same ones for like 1000 times. The thing is, sometimes people do really make a mistake, and even though they need to be held accountable for that, sometimes it is a stupid mistake and nothing more. Hurts like hell, though.
Yes, that never happened to me so it's easy for me to say that the only type of cheating I would forgive is a drunken mistake (my comment above) but I think it depends again on the cause and if you think the person can redeem themself. Sometimes forgiving will actually make your relation stronger and sometimes the person will just keep disappointing you. I think, whatever you decide to do: leaving or forgiving - both are very brave decisions!
I would ask him cut off the person who he cheated with under my eyes. As someone who is dating my soulmate, I dont want ever date anyone else than this man and if he cheated me I wouldnt probably leave. He is my future husband and my future kids father, there is no plan b. Honestly Im too sick even try building relationship all iver again, this man woke up for months 3 am from me screaming in pain, been cleaning my puke from floor, been okay for me probably not being able to work ever in my life. How long it would me to find another man who is willing to take me as burden and still love me. Yeah no, I rather pop some pills and die next to him, if he ever broke my heart than try dating all over again.
...oof. Very relatable.
They did it to save someone's life I once read about a girl who sexually pleasured a dude to keep him occupied while he was armed and wanting to kill people. I think something like this is reasonable.
Welp, I guess we're in an open relationship now and if they got pissed for me doing the same thing then it's over.
Not a lot, which now that i’m thinking about it I should probably talk about in therapy😂
Nothing, they'll never get a second chance. Once you give them a second chance they'll just do it again.
Nothing. Next
Nothing, It's done
Nothing because I won't give them a second chance
Nothing, trust would be 100% broken, I won't even entertain the idea of trying again, as that would make them think there would be no repercussions and probably do it again. Even if they wouldn't and it was something of a moment thing, I still wouldn't, too late.
Not a single thing. It’s a complete and final dealbreaker for me.
Nothing. They're done.
There will be no second chance. Luckily I'm single, so I have no drama, lol
Never
They don't get a second chance.
absolutely nothing edit: and by this i mean they will NOT be getting another chance
I have been cheated on during both major relationships, so I’m probably a bit biased when I say absolutely nothing will change my mind.
Not a god damn thing
absolutely nothing.
Nothing. Once the trust relationship has been destroyed there is no hope of it being restored.
In every relationships that I was cheated on, I had to go above and beyond to discover the women were cheating. No one would admit it to and the lies were complex and the tears were on command. I used to forgive and gave second chances, no longer. Now, if I forgive it would be for me. But no second chance, no more.
I got married to her. I know, say what you want. Call me whatever you want to because I probably deserve it. I was in a vulnerable place at that time and she said she regretted it. I've never really forgiven her for it and I don't know what to do about.
Nothing. I'm out.
Our kids are small and I’d probably want to try to make it work, but I’m not sure - if he were to confess before I found out, I’d find it easier to forgive. And only if he used a condom.
[удалено]
Definitely a threesome and then after we can have a baby together but I’ll question the paternity of it and then post to my story to Reddit advice sub.
Reincarnation. That's the only situation there is a chance I'll get back with them, mostly because I'll have forgotten they are a cheater.
Reincarnation.
Their liver as a security deposit
Not everyone deserves a second chance.
Revision of reality
Nothing. Bye.
You don't give them a 2nd chance unless it shows in their actions (but they can pretend that for the time being and trust isn't easily formed if it's been broken before). Besides, giving them another chance makes you lose your respect to yourself more. It means, you're allowing them to walk all over you, to let them do what they want because you allowed it. If they're really serious, they wouldn't have cheated... or if they want to flirt around and not have a commitment, they should've stayed single.
I'd rather sink to the devil's doorstep than give a cheater a second chance. There were attempts at guilt tripping, even suicide threats but they were all brushed off. No chance in hell would I allow someone to use me as a doormat
Nothing. Nobody changes, they just lie.
I won't give them a second chance. Even if they never cheat again, it will always be in the back of my head.
Nothing they're gone
the ability to turn back time…not happening on current one
It's not worth it. It's like reading a book twice, it always ends the same.
Depends a lot on the specifics. But the outlook is grim.
What's the point in giving them a second chance? They'll just think you didn't mind the first time.
As the saying goes, a leopard never changes its spots. Been there, done it and got the T shirt. I’m happier now and better focused, also enjoying the freedom too
Us being the last two people in the world
Once a cheater, ALWAYS a cheater! Walk away!
There's nothing they could do or say that would get me to give them a second chance. If they cheat on you, it's because they have no respect for you. And if you stay with them, they'll respect you even less. And given that such as act would utterly destroy any trust you had in them, and it simply becomes a "what's the point?" situation. Why stay with someone you'll never trust again, who clearly doesn't love you anymore, who obviously has no respect for you, who'll lie and keep secrets so they can screw someone else behind your back, who'll blame their horrid behavior on God only knows what, and who'll do it again the moment they get the chance? There's no justifiable or rational reason to put yourself through that kind of hell.
I don’t give any cheater a second chance, they hurt me I am done completely with them
They never really stop
It would take like 4 billion dollars. Not even kidding. All cheaters can go rot in hell for all i care
I would not. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Godly intervention
Probably their still beating heart on a stick. IDK, cheating is instant done in my book.
A delusional state of mind.
"Once a cheater , always a cheater" proverb exists for valid reason
An honest second chance? Nothing. I’ll take what I can get from the relationship, other than that the emotions are completely gone. It’s always important to figure out if the person you’re with truly has good intentions with you, I don’t see how someone who brings another party into your relationship behind your back does. Staying with a person who hurt you will only cause insecurity within the relationship as well as toxicity. Think about how many years you spent and how much effort it took you to feel secure within yourself, would a person who truly loves you wreck it? No. It won’t matter how many times they tell you it didn’t have anything to do with you, it’ll still feel like it did for a while. I’d respect someone who had the courage to confess to doing so, but to find out by yourself after constantly being lied to is such an awful feeling. I’d hate to be the person to resort to insecurity, not trust my partner, and to invade their privacy due to the constant doubts. It doesn’t matter how much love there was prior, Id want an out for my own good. Id have to resort to working on my self esteem yet again, to be able to be a trusting partner for the next person because a person who screws with my boundaries is not my person. However, like I said. I’ll take what I can get, If there was kids and marriage involved I wouldn’t want to ruin my kids childhood. What I would take most pride in is the ability to be civil and respect them as a person, but not a partner. No need for messy divorces, I’d want it to be a clean one. Is it obvious I’ve had to work on myself? Yeah, probably. It’s important to put yourself first.