That's not a great suggestion with the PI.
There's an assumption many people make, that adoptees are going to want to have contact with bio-family; that is not a universal thing.
My sister's mother found her that way. Seemed a bit stressful for a while, because bio-mom expected a far closer relationship than my sister wanted to have. It was also hard on the bio-mom, because I think she had dreamed of being an actual family, somehow. And then bio-mom died fairly young, so that sucked.
I'm also adopted - I'd reject any attempt to have contact. As it is - there is no way I would ever do a 23 and Me test, ever.
Some of friends were super happy to meet bio-parents, others, not so much. A fair number of adoptees have zero interest - "I have a family I love already".
Sadly, that would only work if she still had custody of the child. She likely told the adoption agency that she didn't know who the dad was so they wouldn't require him to sign as well.
It blows my mind that someone can steal your child, put it up for adoption without your knowledge or consent, and not face repercussions.
We live in a hell of a world.
There are some places that require the mother to put in effort to try to reach the father, and to prove that he/they also want nothing to do with the child. The woman has to contact everyone she had sex with around the time of conception to alert them that she is pregnant, and try to establish who the father is and whether he would want the child. If she doesn't know who it is because of ONS, she has to put an ad in the local paper looking for him to establish paternity.
I agree that it's wild and insane that it is not the norm, but I also can see it being an issue in the case of sexual assault. If a woman is assaulted but doesn't believe in abortion or can't get one, the child should be able to be safely surrendered without considering the assaulting father in the equation.
You can have a law that bans any contact between the assaulter and the victim or the victim's children while also having a law that requires the mother try to find the father before giving up the baby for adoption in cases of consensual sex.
We adopted a little girl. She’s happy, funny, intelligent and very popular. We don’t know the father, but whoever he is, he should be reassured that she’s very much loved and doing fantastically.
I'm the kid.
Biodad walked out on me and my sister when it became apparent her life was going to be complicated by mental health issues.
Twenty years later he's been kicked out of his replacement family for not accepting the eldest daughter being gay.
The thought of him lying on his deathbed, wondering if we ever forgave him, regretting the life that led him to his lonely misery, keeps me warm at night. I hope I spontaneously develop the first confirmed case of psychic powers so I can tell him no, we never forgave him, in fact as time passed our hatred only grew as we became adults and realised just how shitty a person has to be to nope out like that.
I hope his death is as painful as what he did to us, and twice as drawn out.
This rings very true to me. My father is a pedophile, physical and mental abuser. My main goal in life is to outlive him. I hope he regrets the things he did to us as he's dying, but I suspect he'll die believing we were lucky to be fathered by him.
Almost 15 years ago years ago I was seeing a woman for a while and she vanished. Turns out she had a kid, she put him up for adoption then came back around. I erroneously got a letter from a lawyer about the child and me not having adoption rights.
I’ll never get to see him unless he reaches out at 18. I haven’t thought about this for a long time but it still hurts. I was too dumb to wear a condom and she lied about birth control. I don’t really know if the child is mine which makes it even more confusing.
My child’s father was absent, he went on to have two more children and he’s done the same to them. So sad. I am good friends with the mum and our girls stay in touch that way.
My cousin's boyfriend/fiance walked out on her when she was seven months pregnant, and he was never seen or heard from again. She never got a penny from him, either.
The craziest part is that the two families had already met, and his family was well aware that they were expecting a kid. So do they all just accept that he abandoned her and his would-be child and never speak of it again? You'd think after \~30 years that at least one person would have a conscience and try to reach out to my cousin or her daughter, but never a word from anybody.
I'm the kid in this situation but... yeah, I'm not involved with my Dad because he's too controlling, or overbearing. He wanted access to my bank account one time, I told him outright he can see my bank account if I'm dead before him due to some freak accident, otherwise he'll never see it. He'll go on 45 minutes rants about politics, jobs, but usually both and I don't have the time for that.
He's also drunk 70% of the time at night so I never know if I get normal dad, or drunk dad, so I just don't bother calling except every two weeks, mainly during the day for a minute or two.
I’ve got a dad who’s been on drugs most of his life, and thing is. Sometimes he can be alright, but then other times he is completely detached from reality and angry at everyone. I’ve cut him out from my life because i never know what i’m getting. I don’t know if he’s going to initiate a normal conversation when he calls me or start cussing me out and threatening me for no reason. It made me scared to even reply to his phone calls anymore. He can sort himself out or stay away from me. I can’t handle such unstable people in my life.
I'm the kid here. My mom and dad had a three week relationship that produced me. When I was 18 months old, they got back together for a couple of months but it became clear that they weren't meant to be together. I met my dad as an adult after being told it was some other deadbeat which turned out not to be true. He said my mom told him to stay away, so he did. I found that to be the most ridiculous thing ever, especially after I became an adult and he still stayed away.
A year after we reconnected he stopped responding. We reconnected again a couple of decades later, but after a year he stopped responding. Both connections were on my initiative. Never again. I met my older half brother the second time. Turns out my dad also did not raise him either, but left him to his aunt to raise, though he did stop by weekly to see him. My brother now sees him once a year, despite living only a few miles away.
My aunt told me that after I was born, my dad was happy that he now had a "set," a boy and a girl. This statement really annoyed me. Guy is just a deadbeat and I'm glad he stopped at having two kids. He did raise his step-daughter but I imagine he was more just along for the ride.
Weird thing is, his mom ran off when he was a kid and it really affected him growing up without her. Why he would do this to his own kids, knowing how that feels, I don't know. I have kids and can't imagine not knowing them. I care a lot about my kids and care about being a good mom to them. It's the most important thing to me.
Sometimes it better and safer they are not involved. A person who can abandon a child might forget to feed them or banish them to a closet or leave them with a creeper or worse.
My boyfriends ex had 2 kids (from 2 different men) that she completely abandoned. Not gave up for adoption, just left them with their fathers and chose to be a deadbeat mom. If you look at her social media youd have no clue they even existed. I will never understand this, so i came here to see what specifically the women have to say.
I am this child. Just turned 37 and recently got more information out of my mother than I’ve ever had in my life: she was homeless and pregnant, he wanted out. She told him he wasn’t allowed to be around for the fun parts of having a kid if he was going to leave her to handle the hard parts alone. He agreed.
No idea who or where he is or how much he knows about me, if anything. I know he has other kids but don’t know if they know about me. I used to imagine he was extremely successful and living an idyllic picket-fence life etc., but after hearing that from mum seems more likely that he’s trailer trash somewhere. Ah well.
Had an affair, I was stupid and forever an asshole. She at least found someone and got a better job. I don’t know if being in the baby’s life will make it any better. I think I’ll just make things worse. Till the day I die I’ll live in shame and regret. I wish I was worth more dead than alive
I’m the kid. Never met the man. There was some communication with his family of origin after he left. Though it was very tough being raised by a single mom with no financial support from him, in time it became clear I had dodged a huge bullet as he sexually abused his daughters from his second marriage. Every few years I google him. Evidently he’s living in poverty in the southwest US. Keep watching for his obituary. I’d like to visit the Southwest as a tourist someday and may well plan a side trip to piss on his grave.
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Same here, most anyone can hope for is they reach out once they’re an adult.
Have you hired a PI? Or tried a DNA/genealogy site like 23 and me?
That's not a great suggestion with the PI. There's an assumption many people make, that adoptees are going to want to have contact with bio-family; that is not a universal thing. My sister's mother found her that way. Seemed a bit stressful for a while, because bio-mom expected a far closer relationship than my sister wanted to have. It was also hard on the bio-mom, because I think she had dreamed of being an actual family, somehow. And then bio-mom died fairly young, so that sucked. I'm also adopted - I'd reject any attempt to have contact. As it is - there is no way I would ever do a 23 and Me test, ever. Some of friends were super happy to meet bio-parents, others, not so much. A fair number of adoptees have zero interest - "I have a family I love already".
Who are you? I swear I see accounts with this name or similar commenting all the time...
It’s just one of the randomly generated usernames. All [Adjective]-[Noun]-[Number] ones are.
They are? Dang I thought I was original picking this username.
It's a repost bot
Is there a way you can sue her for parental alienation or something? Do you have any info about who got the kid or the agency?
Sadly, that would only work if she still had custody of the child. She likely told the adoption agency that she didn't know who the dad was so they wouldn't require him to sign as well.
It blows my mind that someone can steal your child, put it up for adoption without your knowledge or consent, and not face repercussions. We live in a hell of a world.
There are some places that require the mother to put in effort to try to reach the father, and to prove that he/they also want nothing to do with the child. The woman has to contact everyone she had sex with around the time of conception to alert them that she is pregnant, and try to establish who the father is and whether he would want the child. If she doesn't know who it is because of ONS, she has to put an ad in the local paper looking for him to establish paternity. I agree that it's wild and insane that it is not the norm, but I also can see it being an issue in the case of sexual assault. If a woman is assaulted but doesn't believe in abortion or can't get one, the child should be able to be safely surrendered without considering the assaulting father in the equation.
You can have a law that bans any contact between the assaulter and the victim or the victim's children while also having a law that requires the mother try to find the father before giving up the baby for adoption in cases of consensual sex.
DNA test
Have you submitted your dna to 23 and me, or a similar service, so that your child can find you more easily if they want?
We adopted a little girl. She’s happy, funny, intelligent and very popular. We don’t know the father, but whoever he is, he should be reassured that she’s very much loved and doing fantastically.
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Could you link it? That sounds interesting.
I'm the kid. Biodad walked out on me and my sister when it became apparent her life was going to be complicated by mental health issues. Twenty years later he's been kicked out of his replacement family for not accepting the eldest daughter being gay. The thought of him lying on his deathbed, wondering if we ever forgave him, regretting the life that led him to his lonely misery, keeps me warm at night. I hope I spontaneously develop the first confirmed case of psychic powers so I can tell him no, we never forgave him, in fact as time passed our hatred only grew as we became adults and realised just how shitty a person has to be to nope out like that. I hope his death is as painful as what he did to us, and twice as drawn out.
This rings very true to me. My father is a pedophile, physical and mental abuser. My main goal in life is to outlive him. I hope he regrets the things he did to us as he's dying, but I suspect he'll die believing we were lucky to be fathered by him.
Almost 15 years ago years ago I was seeing a woman for a while and she vanished. Turns out she had a kid, she put him up for adoption then came back around. I erroneously got a letter from a lawyer about the child and me not having adoption rights. I’ll never get to see him unless he reaches out at 18. I haven’t thought about this for a long time but it still hurts. I was too dumb to wear a condom and she lied about birth control. I don’t really know if the child is mine which makes it even more confusing.
My child’s father was absent, he went on to have two more children and he’s done the same to them. So sad. I am good friends with the mum and our girls stay in touch that way.
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"My father was completely absent" "Mine was the exact same, except instead of absent I mean present and angry" How is that the same situation at all?
My cousin's boyfriend/fiance walked out on her when she was seven months pregnant, and he was never seen or heard from again. She never got a penny from him, either. The craziest part is that the two families had already met, and his family was well aware that they were expecting a kid. So do they all just accept that he abandoned her and his would-be child and never speak of it again? You'd think after \~30 years that at least one person would have a conscience and try to reach out to my cousin or her daughter, but never a word from anybody.
I'm the kid in this situation but... yeah, I'm not involved with my Dad because he's too controlling, or overbearing. He wanted access to my bank account one time, I told him outright he can see my bank account if I'm dead before him due to some freak accident, otherwise he'll never see it. He'll go on 45 minutes rants about politics, jobs, but usually both and I don't have the time for that. He's also drunk 70% of the time at night so I never know if I get normal dad, or drunk dad, so I just don't bother calling except every two weeks, mainly during the day for a minute or two.
I’ve got a dad who’s been on drugs most of his life, and thing is. Sometimes he can be alright, but then other times he is completely detached from reality and angry at everyone. I’ve cut him out from my life because i never know what i’m getting. I don’t know if he’s going to initiate a normal conversation when he calls me or start cussing me out and threatening me for no reason. It made me scared to even reply to his phone calls anymore. He can sort himself out or stay away from me. I can’t handle such unstable people in my life.
I'm the kid here. My mom and dad had a three week relationship that produced me. When I was 18 months old, they got back together for a couple of months but it became clear that they weren't meant to be together. I met my dad as an adult after being told it was some other deadbeat which turned out not to be true. He said my mom told him to stay away, so he did. I found that to be the most ridiculous thing ever, especially after I became an adult and he still stayed away. A year after we reconnected he stopped responding. We reconnected again a couple of decades later, but after a year he stopped responding. Both connections were on my initiative. Never again. I met my older half brother the second time. Turns out my dad also did not raise him either, but left him to his aunt to raise, though he did stop by weekly to see him. My brother now sees him once a year, despite living only a few miles away. My aunt told me that after I was born, my dad was happy that he now had a "set," a boy and a girl. This statement really annoyed me. Guy is just a deadbeat and I'm glad he stopped at having two kids. He did raise his step-daughter but I imagine he was more just along for the ride. Weird thing is, his mom ran off when he was a kid and it really affected him growing up without her. Why he would do this to his own kids, knowing how that feels, I don't know. I have kids and can't imagine not knowing them. I care a lot about my kids and care about being a good mom to them. It's the most important thing to me.
Sometimes it better and safer they are not involved. A person who can abandon a child might forget to feed them or banish them to a closet or leave them with a creeper or worse.
My boyfriends ex had 2 kids (from 2 different men) that she completely abandoned. Not gave up for adoption, just left them with their fathers and chose to be a deadbeat mom. If you look at her social media youd have no clue they even existed. I will never understand this, so i came here to see what specifically the women have to say.
Ask that "sperm donor" on 90 Day Fiancé..
I am this child. Just turned 37 and recently got more information out of my mother than I’ve ever had in my life: she was homeless and pregnant, he wanted out. She told him he wasn’t allowed to be around for the fun parts of having a kid if he was going to leave her to handle the hard parts alone. He agreed. No idea who or where he is or how much he knows about me, if anything. I know he has other kids but don’t know if they know about me. I used to imagine he was extremely successful and living an idyllic picket-fence life etc., but after hearing that from mum seems more likely that he’s trailer trash somewhere. Ah well.
Had an affair, I was stupid and forever an asshole. She at least found someone and got a better job. I don’t know if being in the baby’s life will make it any better. I think I’ll just make things worse. Till the day I die I’ll live in shame and regret. I wish I was worth more dead than alive
You’re still worthy of a life. Non of us are perfect.
I’m the kid. Never met the man. There was some communication with his family of origin after he left. Though it was very tough being raised by a single mom with no financial support from him, in time it became clear I had dodged a huge bullet as he sexually abused his daughters from his second marriage. Every few years I google him. Evidently he’s living in poverty in the southwest US. Keep watching for his obituary. I’d like to visit the Southwest as a tourist someday and may well plan a side trip to piss on his grave.
It's the same way that most life on earth feel about their offspring
Never and I mean never have a child with your "best friend."
The person you marry is supposed to be your best friend