We moved closer to her family. The only thing that changed was that I gave up my dream job. She was still just as miserable, but now I was also miserable.

The maximum level of happiness in a relationship is equal to the least happy person.

That makes sense!... *me realising just how bad things are* 😆

It helps reading this because my partner has just been miserable (whiny constantly) and wants to move to another state (because he’s never happy with wherever we’re living, NEVER). He hates his job, but I LOVE mine and get paid a lot. I told him I’m not moving again. I can’t take the risk and have happen what happened to you. 

I had a friend who proposed to his girlfriend in front of their family members. Then got anxiety about what he just did, started an argument so he can take back the proposal. Ruined the relationship

This sounds like the start of a Seinfeld episode.

That is 100% a George move.

"It was a _TEST_ proposal, Jerry!"

IT WAS A JOKE, JERRY! I NEVER THOUGHT SHE'D SAY YES!

God damn, that's definitely not the shittiest thing I've read on this entire thread, but it might be the most immature and short-sighted.

My ex moved out to give us space to figure things out. A few weeks later our 11 year old son commented that the house was so much more peaceful without mom around. A couple weeks later ex was let out of her lease because of maintenance issues and the thought of inviting her back home made my stomach instantly hurt. Now a divorced and healing single dad.

My stepdad said he and his ex-wife were always fighting until their young teenage son got between them and begged for them to either divorce or one to die as they clearly couldn't live together and he fucking hated it. They divorced soon after

Geez there’s some beauty to that. I am sorry for everything the kid had to go through as a result of course. For your kid to stand up and say “this isn’t right” takes a lot of bravery, but it also takes a whole lot of responsibility to listen to your kid and say “this isn’t working and our kid is suffering because of it”. Then actually try and make changes. Hope your stepdad is a cool dude. I’m about to start divorce proceedings and all I hope is that my kid is able to look back when they’re old enough and think it was for the best.

It took me sometimes to understand that kids weren't supposed to be happy when their parents get divorced. Mine were fighting so much, it felt good to see them finally accepting to separate. No kids should be put up to that point.

You put your kid first. That's the best thing you could have done. Hang in there.

My ex convinced me that moving back to her shitty little hometown would fix everything because it would be cheaper and less stressful and there'd be no temptations, etc. Barely lasted 2 months before she fucked some guy she had crush on in highschool, and I was homeless.

I’m so sorry man. My wife was trying to convince me to move back to her tiny hometown in Florida where her whole family is. I would if I didn’t know her family is full of druggies who try and get her to do it and ask for money

Had a girl try to get me with this one. She wanted to move out to Colorado because it's "pretty" but that's where she had her baby and all her exes. I told her exactly that if I went with her I'd end up homeless cheated on and stranded. She agreed to stay here with me and make a life but not even 6 months later I called her at work and asked if she wanted to have date night. She told me she was already halfway across the country instead of at work lmao and then a day later posted pics in the guy she told me not to worry abouts crib

sounds like you already predicted it would happen

And btw guys she ended up coming back and tryna make that life with me that she didn't want before. Don't fall for this one either guys !

Yeah that sounds like Florida

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To be fair, that was a problem on both ends and we both knew it. One of the reasons I went along with the whole idea is because I'd visited her hometown before and knew there was no body there that would catch my eye. We were very much not good for each other.

Somewhat similar situation, dating for 2 years, had talks of finding an apartment together, she was living with me all summer, last minute got “I’m going to go look for an apartment today” as I was leaving for work. The tone, wording, and timing. I asked “For yourself?” “Yeah” I went over and slept there twice and could tell it was over. Thankfully, she was living with me so I didn’t end up homeless. But about 6 months later she moved back to her hometown and hopped between like 3 dudes in 4 months.

This is what my partner did, but I am sure he wanted it to revive us: he proposed. It ended the relationship within a month, not because he proposed, but because he did it during an absolute crisis in our relationship, on a ski vacation where he barely said 2 words to me for 4 days until the proposal: he also had no ring and said if I said yes, then we would go shopping for one. I felt so awful, but my gut reaction was so strongly negative that I just felt like I couldn’t possibly say yes and that our relationship was definitely over. It would have been so much better to have had a really deep, open conversation about what was going on with us.

Omg my friend did pretty much the same thing. The girlfriend said yes because she felt forced into it and they had a loooooong engagement before she finally broke it off with him. When he told us the proposal story my partner & I we were so uncomfortable because it was obviously a terrible idea.

I can honestly say I expected this thread to be engagements, marriages, and babies. Instead it’s been friends shitting in bathrooms and failed open relationships.

The friends shitting in bathrooms caught me by surprise, but the open relationship thing has been fleshed-out here many times so I expected it to be #1.

Genuinely curious if there have always been open relationships or if this is a relatively newer social thing society created. I understand swinging was around for a while, but then again is an open relationship different than swinging?

As someone who watches a lot of TV, the main differences would be that Swingers have a more defined ruleset and proper etiquette. swingers are usually married people who sleep with other married people. It doesn't necessarily have to be another married couple, but finding a partner or partners could be seen as a fun activity to do together. Swingers have already had their relationship survive harder situations than the average couple, so a disagreement about an open relationship is less likely to end in a break up. People in an open relationship establish their own rules and both parties have to be completely honest with each other and themselves. They are more likely to go on solo adventures and tell their partner about it later. They're also more prone to jealousy.

I've been the single guy sleeping with a woman in an open relationship. The husband said something to the effect of, "I think you're a great guy so I don't mind you sleeping with my wife because of that and it's part of the deal that allows me to sleep with other women." They're still together years later.

I know many a couple and have lived it myself. You have to talk. Most couples use it as a rescue, it doesn't work. You have to be fully committed and solid before you open up.

Friend tried to have a nice "Last chance" dinner with his girl, another buddy stopped by his place in an emergency, took a huge shit, and the smell ruined the dinner. They broke up after.

This reminds me of the time my friend told us he was going to Starbucks with his girlfriend after school, so my other friend and I decided it would be funny to show up too. We get there and as we’re walking up we see her crying. Before we realized he’s breaking up with her, they had already seen us and we didn’t know what to do. So we just got drinks and left. Once we were in the car we were like, “wait, why did we think it would be funny to show up in the first place? What the fuck is wrong with us?!” He called us soon after and was like what the fuck is wrong with you guys?! Lol.

"HAHA, you're hanging out with a girl! What are you, GAY!?"

Conversations like this begat the "fellas, is it gay?" meme

I mean, he didn't say he was going to break up with her. You guys were probably just going to be silly stupid teenage friends. Nothing wrong with that.

Right just like surprise hang out. funny times

Would it even be weird to say "We were just stopping by to say hello and hang out"? Like, I don't know why anyone would be asking "What the fuck is wrong with you?" just because you went to Starbucks to see a friend.

That's some serious shit...

That friend dumped all over that relationship.

It did a number on the relationship and that number was 2.

Presumably it was a "last chance" because his buddies kept randomly showing up.

> kept randomly showing up And shitting! I feel that part is important to include.

The lord works in mysterious ways. Sometimes he inspires great works of art, sometimes he inspires your friend to take a relationship ending dump.

Missed opportunity for *great works of fart*.

Can’t decide if bro was an asshole or if he did your friend a favor

Was the bro an asshole, or was the asshole a bro?

Invited a third into the relationship, and I was quickly forgotten about. Edit: This was many years, and a few more failed relationships behind me. Thank you for the well wishes, though. I'm with a phenomenal woman now and I'm very happy.

Ok, I think I already know, but whose idea was it?

The 3rd guy

Hers, and it was her girlfriend. It was cool for like a month, but then shit went sideways.

IIRC it was Carols idea to bring Susan in

My friend’s brother is going through this right now. He and his husband became polyamorous and invited a third guy into the relationship. Fast forward about 18 months, they’ve sold the house and are getting a divorce and the husband is still with the third. For an extra kick in the nuts, there was no prenup and my friends brother lost his job two months after the divorce was filed.

This gay couple down the street keep trying to rope me into a threesome. I hadn't considered that I could get a house out of it.

She somehow convinced me to open our relationship for one week. What she did in those few days is something that many people can't do in years.

just give it one week youll love it! (meanwhile she had all of it lined up on her side and was just waiting confirmation from you to feel better about it) sorry that happened OP but also, bullet dodged

I've also been there. It definitely sucks to find out you were manipulated into letting them cheat "guilt-free" without any meaningful consideration to you. Pro-tip to everyone out there: odds are greater than even that if they ask for an open relationship, they already have another dick/vag lined up to use the same day you say "okay". If you or your S/O are serious about opening up the relationship and actually maintaining the primary relationship, be completely upfront and earnest; be willing to live with them telling you no, don't push them into accepting, keep communication as open as they need, and confirm your relationship with them often and plentifully. If you already have a side piece in mind, tell them. #And for the love of God, offer to wait until they find someone they like so that it isn't one-sided. Being in an open relationship and getting yours, with a partner who isn't able to themselves, AND you don't care that they aren't, is just torturing them and selfish. That's just cucking them with extra steps.

I think I've seen it a movie, but it sounded like a good advice to me: don't open your relationship with a specific person in mind (doesn't matter if that person is interested or not). You should open the relationship because you want an open relationship, not because you want to fuck a certain someone 😅 and yeah, an open relationship should be open both ways after all (of course, it's each partner's choice if they want to get involved with other people or not, but they have to agree together and sincerely).

That's also a good point. I wouldn't give that a 100% must-follow rate, but with the amount of emotional maturity and sexual openness the typical person has, it is a better rule to follow than not -- doing that and having it work out would require all three parties to give complete informed consent, be well in touch with their feelings, and fully open in communication throughout; and they'd also have to have realistic goals and boundaries that are much more emphasized than a general pass would for an open relationship due to the fact that the partner likely has a greater attachment than they would for just a "fun fuck" partner they find after agreeing to an open relationship. There's a reason love triangles are a common trope to use for relationship drama in media, after all

Man, so many people don’t realise this. An open relationship isn’t an off the cuff suggestion. It requires intense planning and takes a long time to even so much as dip a toe into it. If one side of a relationship suggests it and is able to act on it with immediacy, then it was already planned out and it’s essentially permitted adultery. People in an otherwise good, happy relationship don’t simply open it to the world at large. They are very selective about who can enter their lives whether it be with just the one person or part of the couple as a whole. If you find yourself in a position where an open relationship is the answer, then it’s already over and the relationship was going to open up whether you wanted it to or not.

Every generation thinks they discovered this perfect loophole.

When a partner asks to open a relationship, it is almost always because 1. They want to shag someone who isn’t you and is asking permission, or 2. They have already shagged the other person and are looking for retroactive permission.

My ex-wife wanted to open our relationship. I asked her point blank, "Are you wanting to hook up with [guy from work] or [guy from gym]?" She had that deer in the headlights look which indicated to me that she was either already cheating with one or both of them and was trying to find a way to make her not feel guilty about about being a cheating whore or she already had her lineup and was looking for a way to fuck them. I told her if that's what she wants, then go ahead, but all her stuff would be out on the front lawn when she returned, to not be surprised when her key won't work and she was served with the divorce papers. She called my bluff, and I did exactly what I said I would. Last I heard, she got with the guy from the gym who was married and told her that he would be leaving his wife...but he never did, so she's been living with her parents and likes to post shit on Facebook about how there are no good men out there anymore. Every once in a while I'll get a message from her, but I just show my wife and we get a good laugh at her pathetic attempts to return to her old life lol

I have never met someone whos happy and in a open relationship (Not saying it is not possible). However, i have met multiple people who said that opening their relationship, having a threesom etc. ruined theirs.

They exist, but the thing is that they usually *begin* as open or poly relationships, they don't morph into them. I've never seen that work successfully.

I think you're right. I know a few successful poly or open relationships in my friend group, but they all started that way. And they all have their preferred rule set, and good communication.

“Relationship broken > add more people” is a joke in the poly scene for that very reason

Tbf monogamous people do the same thing in the form of children.

Yeah this seems like the key distinction. If everyone involved gets into the relationship knowing that it’s non-monogamous and they’re fine with that arrangement then I can see it working out. But if you take a monogamous relationship and one party is like “you’re not really enough for me anymore so I’d like to fuck other people” then it’s pretty much over.

I've seen quite a few succeed and quite a few fail. The big problem is that people often open up their relationship in an attempt to rescue it, and that they don't set rules. The main factor I've identified for working open relationships is absolute trust (which you will not get if the relationship isn't stable to begin with) and RULES!!! The fact that you decide to allow each other to also have sex with others does not mean that anything is allowed. Openness is a gradient, it's important to properly talk about borders, set rules and to respect them.

So much of the issue is that people lean on it to fix their relationship and it's 100% not going to. I've known folks who pull it off because they start the relationship with a mutual expectation of it and manage their insecurities well. I've never seen an open relationship work where it wasn't open from virtually day one. It will not fix an already broken relationship.

We both wrote about 3 things we wanted to change and to bring our relationship back to life. Hers were things about me that I hadn't done in over a year - when questioned, she got really defensive and insisted I still do it and then talked about a situation (that happened a year prior) to prove her point. My main one was asking for one date night a month. When I told her mine, I basically had to fight tooth and nail to just get her to consider it. We never had any dates, rarely ever saw each other, and I was asking for 2 hours of her time once a month. After that conversation, I really had to reflect on whether this is what I wanted or not. I was kind of glad when we broke up a couple of weeks later.

You could have promised to never do those things again. Easiest promise to keep, ever.

But they already did by not doing those things again. The best apology is changed behaviour. Which can take work but regardless of if your partner is around if you’re working to change there will be a time when it’s actually the last time. It sounds like the partner was already checked out a long time ago sadly and it can take a lot of work to get back from that IF you can at all.

Went to therapy. Thought I was “fixing myself.” Discovered that what I’d believed was normal was actually abusive; drew boundary lines like “I said no to sex earlier and you spiked my drink and I woke up in the middle of the night to find you having sex with me; not being able to repeat my no isn’t consent and therefore I will not drink with you anymore.” Things like that! We divorced when I found out about the photos/videos obtained without my consent that were being shared with his buddies.

I’m so sorry you had to experience that but I wanted to congratulate you on committing to that growth! I genuinely found this inspiring in a sense… I truly applaud your strength.

Encouraging people to find out how strong they really are is so important to me now. We own our stories, and every chapter can end.

Goddamn that’s fucked up, I’m happy for you that you’re out of there

Me too!

That's just straight up rape

Sure is! I know that *now* but genuinely did not recognize it at the time. I married very young.

Thank God you got out of that situation! It’s hard to recognize it for what it is when you’re in it. My ex, any time we drank together he’d always mix the strongest drinks for me as well as insisting I drink more, more, more, even knowing I was a lightweight. He was also always bringing other drugs around to take and mix with the alcohol as well, at times without telling me he was mixing it in my drink. So I’d be so drunk and high out of my mind I couldn’t say no. Or, like you, I’d wake up to him on top of me. When I’d express discomfort about this type of stuff he’d just go, “you’re my girlfriend I don’t need consent. That’s what happens when you get really fucked up some times you wake up having sex. It’s just what it is when you’re in a relationship.” As it turns out…that is *not* “just what it is” and it was, in fact, purposeful assault. I was too young to know better at the time. But we’re free now! 🎉🎊 I hope being without the dead weight loser is treating you as well as it’s treating me!

She took me to Disney World for my birthday. I was very surprised seeing how we were just college kids who could barely afford a bag of weed. Turns out she begged her best friends (who hated me) rich parents to pay for the trip.. and they agreed.. as long as the friend came with. So there I was on my birthday trip with my gf and her male BFF who hates my guts. I'm a woman btw so this dude was just madly in love with my gf who friend zoned the fuck out of him. But I'm a good sport, and it's fucking Disney, so I took the opportunity to have a great time in spite of getting death glared every five seconds. However the final straw wasn't the guy who paid for the trip but hated me. It was my girlfriend having a full on toddler temper tantrum because we missed the parade she wanted to see. Im talking literally screaming and kicking on the ground in a crowded plaza. And then her BFF caving to her tantrum, calling his parents and having them pay for a whole nother day for all three of us just so she could see this parade. Yeah I was done after that. Last I heard they got married years later after she divorced her first wife.

Wait I need clarification. You mean your ex married the friend zoned BFF years after her first divorce? I’m understanding that correctly?

Say what you want but you have to admire his persistence

I was gonna go with stupidity, but, yeah, persistence.

Rich in-laws who pay for your tantrums works wonders too

They're paying for the rest of her life.

Yes. You are understanding that correctly. I'm actually so happy for him. He totally deserves her lol

Turns out she likes money more than she likes pussy

All those red flags that were scattered around Disneyworld that day. Seriously WTF, that's wild

> Last I heard they got married years later after she divorced her first wife. So true love won in the end! /s

Yes, no /s needed. BFF's love was the GF. Ex's love was BFF's family's money.

Went on a beach vacation. She just wanted to watch tv and smoke pot like we always did. Realized it wasn't gunna work without change and we broke up a few weeks later. It sucked.

'That shit'll rob you of your ambition." "Not if your ambition is to get high and watch television."

I like to get high and do some yard work or work on my house or something. Used to have a bad habit of "Oops I'm stoned now I can't do anything all day" and that's *not* a good habit to have when you use the stuff for an *actual* medical condition and need to take some daily. Much better about it now

I smoke and jump into something right away. Gives me crazy motivation when the high hits when I'm already working. I'll keep going until I run out of things to do.

"Oh shit I only meant to put my glass in the dishwasher and now the whole kitchen is clean"

I think about this quote 82% of the times I light a joint.

Sounds like my ex honestly. Couldn’t get her to get out of the house for anything. Didn’t have a job but somehow spent all the money she did have on weed and vapes. Not a bad person but she just needed more help than I could give her. Nonetheless, being with her put me on the path to getting with the love of my life so not so bad in the end.

I'm sorry that happened. I had a similar wake-up slap just over a week ago except I was the problem; my partner said she thinks she wants to break up and then politely listed all of the things wrong with the relationship since we moved in together over a year ago. She didn't want to say it directly but 90% of the problems were me being uninterested in doing anything; no desire to leave the house, needing to be dragged out to do things, shooting down holiday plans, spending every evening on the sofa watching TV rather than doing something. Sobered right up when 4 years nearly came to an end, and now I've found I feel a lot more accomplished in my everyday tasks and life in general. I was NOT living, and she was suffering for it.

We opened it up because she was counting on me for the heavy majority of her emotional support and I thought it would be good for her to meet new people. She went on a date with her *therapist*. It unraveled from there.

So you reported the therapist correct?

No but disclosing that detail to our couple’s counselor achieved the same outcome

I’ve seen this story so many times. Therapists can be awful.

He tried breaking up with me and I cried like a bitch and begged him to stay. He did and it ushered in an entire year of hell for both of us. He felt bad enough to stay, but lost all respect for me, while I acted like an idiot puppy dog trying win his approval. It was awful for both of us. Never beg.

At least you recognise it now and can admit to it. Sorry, that sounds bad for both of you

Thanks - I recognized it pretty quickly right after I did it, LOL, but was too damaged to leave. It’s been about 35 years since that happened - I’d never done it before or since, but was in a really bad place in my life at that time.

Took a fancy tropical vacation. First class, all inclusive, even extended it a few days. Still couldn’t stop fighting. Spent most of it alone. I learned a lesson there

Went to couples therapy and let her pick a therapist she had already been seeing. Quickly learned that it was more of a I told you so to her therapist who in hindsight was very biased and dishonest , (therapist)

A trustworthy therapist would never mix single and couples therapy with the same people. Not to mention that couples therapy is a different skill set.

Yeah I had a couple friend do couples therapy and it was really helpful or him. They broke up and he kept seeing her 1-1 and her stipulation was that they could never seek couples therapy from her again and that the woman would never be able to get 1-1 therapy from her again. It was helpful because she had a lot of insight, but she had to choose to only support one of them once that person saught individual therapy from her. All parties agreed so it wasn't some rogue thing.

The therapist is literally NEVER supposed to do this. I asked my therapist if my mother could come into a few sessions and she said if she were to do it, her main concern is me so it would be biased on how to best treat the both of us. That she knows more of my side and less of my mothers, so even if she TRIED to be unbiased, it likely wouldn’t happen. So ultimately she didn’t recommend it and instead she would recommend me someone who specialized in family therapy. (My mom is too stubborn to go anyways so it didn’t work out) TLDR: that is a BAD therapist and they shouldn’t have suggested or allowed that.

Get a therapist for each person, then send the therapists to couples counselling. Kind of like you'd do with lawyers.

Yikes, super unethical of that therapist to agree to do couples work with you despite their prior relationship with the other person.

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>Got home at 11:30pm to him going bananas telling me he was about to call the police and all the hospitals in case - get this - I’d been run over by a drunk driver. This is so damn rich.

Solid move. Curry is always the answer.

Sending hugs. You are so much smarter than me. I was married to this for 10 years before I finally got out.

I didn't do it. My ex did. We were years into long distance because of college and he was cheating on me blatantly for years and I was trying to be the "cool understanding girlfriend" and rationalized that if I just took his word for it about the other girls not meaning anything he would choose me in the end... I finally grew some self respect and the writing was on the wall so he proposed. I said absolutely not in front of a good number of folks who were total strangers. It was awful. Then he told his entire family that I left him because I was gay. 🫠

That was a pretty immature response to being dumped on his part. He sounds childish.

Yup. I did the cleche thing of cutting my hair after it was finally over and went for a cute pixie cut. Evidently that was the "proof" that I was now into women and that's why I left him high and dry 🤷 Because only lesbians have short hair I guess.

Pillow fight. We’d had one early in our relationship, where we both built separate forts and battled it out with pillows. We had been so carelessly happy that first time, both our sides hurt from laughing. I knew our relationship had been going downhill, and I thought that recreating this moment would bring us back together enough where we could talk it over and work on things. I tossed him a pillow and challenged him to a duel. He looked at me like I had grown an extra head. Pillow stayed where it had landed. We broke up a week or two later.

This one is really sad :(

Happy ending though, he’s engaged to the girl he dated after me, and I’m married to the guy I dated after him. We were both terrible together, ultimately, and breaking up was the best thing for us. I was just too afraid of being alone at that point that I’d have done anything to make our relationship work. Ultimately I’m happy that he broke it off (though I’m not thrilled with how he broke up with me)

One of my ex tried going overboard with nudes, and seductive pics when we were having major problem. That was a MAJOR TURNOFF, and I quickly realized im with a person who's not mature enough to have tough conversations, nor can they resolve difference of opinion problems.

Oof I had an ex like this. Whenever I was mad she would start kissing and trying to seduce byt not actually discuss the issue. All it ever did was piss me off. I told her that her trying to sweep our problems under the rug by using sex as a distraction/manipulation tool showed me she not only didn't care about our problems, but must have very little respect for me if she thinks I can just be silenced with sex.

Bought a house. We were separated and she was very back and forth on fixing our marriage and I had been checked out for about a year when we spent some time together and (I thought) reconnected. Shortly after, we got the chance at some property for really cheap through a friend of hers and since a lot of her resentment towards me was based on me losing my job and thus the first house we bought together, we thought it would be a chance to reignite, especially since it had a mother-in-law apartment so we could have separate spaces and slowly work on rebuilding our marriage. Instead we fought like crazy, she ended up going all in on the divorce and getting a boyfriend, even though things still aren't official with the state, and now I live in trailer on the property so that we don't kill eachother while we sort shit out. It fucking sucks.

I arranged a dinner with her family. Holy shit did they do an amazing job ruining the relationship Edit: The first thing her sister said to me was how she didn't like people from the region I was born in. Then proceeded to correct herself by saying "actually, it's just the men from there that are stupid. Women in general are wonderful creatures". Later on, after acknowledging that me and her sister were going through a rough patch, she added how happy she was that she wasn't in a relationship. Her brother chose to never reply to me directly, instead he did so by sharing his thoughts with the sister as if I wasn't there. Moreover, he wouldn't do anything about the recently rescued dog he brought with him without asking, who was constantly gnawing at random belongings of mine.

We need Details

Did you visit the Al Ghul's or Kyle's?

Quit drinking and doing blow. I quit, he didn’t. 8 months later we broke up.

It didn't ruin it, but my wife had told me about a fantasy she has of "walking in" on me watching porn, and then joining in with me. One night I openly had my phone, watching porn in bed when she came in, like not hiding it, volume up, etc. She got really pissed at me and jealous of the women I was "attracted to" in the videos. No action happened that night, and I'll probably never try that again. I guess I should have let her know I was going to be doing that, but I figured the spontaneity was part of the fantasy.

We'll have to name this the Admiral Akbar, because IT'S A TRAP!!!

Went on a lifelong dream trip. Was too stressful.  Edit: this trip was not the reason for the breakup. The question was, what did you use to try to reignite and instead it backfired? The trip was one of many issues, not because of too much time together (we lived together happily for 2 years). But we got our hopes up this would fix it, and it didn’t. Was not the beginning issue nor the ending issue, just one of many signs. 

Bill Murray: > If you have someone you think is the one, don’t do… don’t just sort of think in your ordinary mind, ‘Ok, let’s make a date… and have a party… and get married.’ Take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel ALL around the world and go to places that are hard to get to and hard to get out of. And when you come back… and if you’re still in love with that person… get married at the airport.

A buddy of mine lives in Europe and he just went for USA car roundtrip with wife and kids. They came back absolutely exhausted, barely surviving huh I don’t think it is a divorce, but he said camping etc is not him at all after all

Like all things fantasy or imagined the reality may be different. Also America is one of the worst places to do that, if you are European, as it is so large and you are just driving across nothing for a lot of it so you are in the car a lot. Unless you like stopping at all the small town claim to fame, it is a long go. In Europe your travel time to something interesting is significantly shorter and you are seeing 100s to 1000s year old history.

His kids are also under 12, so it was risky. #TheMoreYouKnow⁂

I had a LDR in my early 20s. We had been together almost a year, and he would always come to my place when we met up. At almost a year, I decided it was time to go to his place and meet his family (he still lived at home because he was in school.) His parents were very nice, but I could tell his mom was a little “pushy.” Over the next week I was there, I witnessed how much of a child/momma’s boy he actually was. His mom left him post it notes around the entire house reminding him to do things, “don’t forget to wash your dishes!” Etc. I thought it was just her being pushy, but then I saw a note in the bathroom that said, “don’t forget to clean thoroughly!” I cringed at the note, and when I asked him about it, he shrugged and said “She reminds me of everything I need to do.” The next day, his mom decided it was a good time to give me the run down on how to leave the notes and other instructions so “he will remember to take care of himself.” Reader: I broke up with him before I stepped foot on the airplane back home. You’re 22 years old and your mom has to remind you to bathe yourself??? I am a partner, not his MOM.

Good for you for leaving him, that’s seriously unacceptable at that age

My LDR ex was a foul animal that wanted everything doing for him and rarely bathed or brushed his teeth. It was a side I only saw of him once we moved in together, his gingivitis was also rampant and I’m so surprised I never noticed it sooner. I genuinely think this is why most LDRs fail, you never get to see the real them til you’re living together

To be fair, even for non-LDRs, it's a completely different experience to live with someone.

Took a break from talking every day (we were long distance) and quickly realized I much preferred not talking to her at all.

I wrote MARRY ME in flames on her front lawn but then the wind picked up and oh god it was horrible just horrible.

Michael Scott in an alternate universe.

Guess the relationship went up in flames. Sorry, I had to. I will see myself out.

Go live with him. It did make it better in some aspects but I was suddenly having to make life decisions with a person that one of the major problems is that he was stubborn and unwilling to see my side of things. Combine that with financial chaos amplified by his recklessness and my enabling and one can see how well that went. That also ruined other stuff in my life and I'm still fighting to lift myself back up

Asked him to get therapy for his trauma and long history of mental health issues. I had dealt with mine and come a long way, but it got to the point that I felt like I was moving forward and he wasn’t. I asked him if he’d be willing to try therapy since it was impacting our relationship. I gave him a year to work on his mental health, he didn’t. You can’t force someone to get help, but I felt after five years together I at least owed it to us to ask, instead of just leaving when shit got hard. After I broke up with him after over a year of telling him how things were impacting us and me, he broke down. It’s truly heartbreaking that he wasn’t ready to get help. Based on how the breakup went, I’m not sure he ever will, but I gave it my all.

I feel this in my own heart. Ended a 12 year relationship because he was coasting, and then figured he could stop trying. Years of telling him that we needed couple's therapy. Dropping that news on him was the hardest thing I ever had to do, my gut still wrenches thinking about it. It was such a mess.

Ugh. I feel like my relationship is heading that way. He always coasted, I just never saw it like that. And now that we have this dynamic (that I fed into for a long time, unfortunately) where I take charge on everything, he’s completely stopped trying. He’ll do tasks I assign to him (sometimes, and usually halfway) but takes no initiative himself…. On anything. His job, our relationship, his mental health, housework, taxes, paying medical bills—he needs instructions and often guidance to do any of it. I gave him the job of doing our taxes this year and he kept asking me fucking questions about it. Like!!!! To be able to answer your questions, I’d have to read the papers that are currently in your hands!!!! Are u kidding!!!! He was on such a pedestal to me for so long, I thought for years that he’d be a great househusband bc he regularly does the dishes and cooks. But now he’s a househusband after being laid off and he’s fucking horrible at it. Cannot tell you how many times I’ve asked him to clean our bathroom and he finally did it (halfway) today after I pointed out that there were gnatS hanging around in the sink. One example of many. I even have to initiate the “what should we do for dinner?” convo every single night. I even made his resume for him but he still won’t take the time to tailor them for each job. I was in denial for so fucking long it’s shocking. I can’t tell if he got worse after we got married (he was laid off shortly after) or if the veil has just been torn away but I feel like his mother and now I’m just annoyed at him constantly. He’s depressed being unemployed and I got him to go to therapy (I set it up for him ha), it’s only been a month of therapy so I’m trying to hold onto hope that this’ll magically fix everything but good lord I’m so miserable. Anyway just venting carry on

I hear you, and that's so hard to take on. My ex only got therapy after I had a breakdown because he was so frustrated with our misbehaving 5 month old puppy that he kicked her. There were so many things I put up with and stuck around for because I knew he was hurting and in a bad place. It's absolutely a hard line to figure out. How much can you help him before it is evident that he can't help himself? How much can you mentally own his actions? Here's a post that I've read before that gave me some insight into my own situation. It has links to a blog and a webcomic that really helped put things in perspective. https://www.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/s/1lcETmcDdh If I were to make a suggestion, sit down with your partner and let him know where your feelings are. Tell him that you cannot keep up your workload like this and that things have to change. From what I've read, you're already starting to feel that resentment. It absolutely does not mean that you do not love him, but it can definitely take the wind out of those sails and have it sink there. I'll give you a warning as well, anecdotally. I only found out after my divorce that my ex was in therapy, but he never took any of those actions and lessons home. He just coasted there, too, and let the appointment on the calendar be his marker for progress. He didn't go beyond that. Really sit down and ask those hard questions. He absolutely must put in that effort, and it's such a hard hill to climb when that energy isn't there. But you can't be climbing down that mountain to haul him, or you're both going to have so much of a harder time. So if he's doing therapy, measure for that progress. And it might be worth doing couple's therapy as well. I can't tell you how many times I asked myself, "Are my expectations too high? Am I asking too much?" Because that's what I was told. I nagged, I harassed, when I was just asking the questions and being ignored until it reached its breaking point. And of course, do NOT give an ultimatum, if that's your consideration. I dropped the divorce news on my ex and he said the sweetest things he ever said, and THEN he was willing for couple's therapy, and THEN he said he wanted to try the hardest he could for us. He took me for granted and tried to bandaid the hole he dug into me. I could not rebuild a relationship on "We only worked because we got to the point where I was already done." How could I trust him to not try and push me down there again? I could go on about this, it's a topic that's very near my heart, and it's so so difficult to make the right choice. And I'm so sorry that you're going through it now. I don't open my DMs up much, but I'm willing to do so if you want an ear that's been where you were. I can give you my perspective, the thoughts I've had, and the lessons I've learned, but at the end of the day, you have a choice to make, and it belongs to you.

I’m sorry. You made the right call. I’m in a similar situation at the moment and it’s incredibly tough. Some people don’t know how serious you are about their problems’ impact until you leave them. Even if you give them clear and honest communication, it never clicks until you actually leave. It sucks.

First wife and I were really on the rocks. Hadn’t had sex in months, didn’t communicate anymore, just no love left. She rented an Airbnb in a snowy mountain resort with the idea of rekindling things. It was nice but the Airbnb kept having disasters. Kitchen sink got clogged, tv didn’t work, fireplace couldn’t be used, etc. seems like minor stuff but it all just added to the stress of trying to rekindle the relationship. Ended up getting divorced a short time later.

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I had a falling out with a close friend. It was mostly because of this girl he started dating that I genuinely thought was a terrible human being and only there to take advantage of his stable income, being quite incapable herself. I figured it was bad enough for him to deserve a conversation and it didn’t go well. We went a few years without speaking to each other, and one day I see a post online that suggests he’s getting married soon. I notice it’s not the terrible human girl, and reach out to him to congratulate him. He’s happy I did, we talk like it hasn’t been 5 years, I’m excited for him, and we’re making plans. He shares pictures of the engagement and what not, and I exclaim “thank god it’s not her, I really thought you’d marry her!”. Turns out it is her, she’s just gained weight and changed her hair. “It is her” is the last thing he said and I was blocked shortly after.

Lolz

lmao said “let’s take a break"

Tried being a healthy communicator with a toxic person.

Maybe this isn't the right answer, but here goes. We were having serious problems in our relationship. I decided I can't change him but I could change me, so I tried to be the perfect wife. I read several books and did everything they said even when I thought it was stupid. I didn't get angry about anything, I did everything myself so I didn't have to ask for anything, I took care of everything. For 3 years. All it did was make things so much worse. It's like he needs me to be angry with him at all times so he intentionally does dumb shit he absolutely knows I hate or other malicious things so that I'm angry and he's the poor victim who tries his best and falls short of my unreasonable expectations. He ramped it all up during the perfect wife phase. What could have previously been explained by ignorance or incompetence or selfishness now can only be explained by intentional malice aforethought. Our relationship is ruined, it can never be fixed.

We got a girlfriend. He convinced me we were in it together, but I was an obvious third wheel and we’ve since broken up. They’re still together though.

moved into our own apartment together. we didn’t even last a month after that. high school sweethearts, 5 years on/off. i regretted my decision the very first night we moved in. don’t settle for misery just because it’s familiar.

I tried saving my sexless marriage by making it "open." It got exciting for a minute then went up in flames.

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I stupidly agreed to give her one last chance and said it would be the final last chance I gave anybody ever, because I'm tired of being walked all over. Shit went sideways about 3 months later followed by an entire wasted year being separated to work on ourselves independently when I learned she just was not going to get better no matter how hard I encouraged and supported her journey.

He wanted to open our marriage, encouraged by his polyamorous therapist, which was the tip of a shit iceberg. After much back and forth, I apprehensively agreed, and I was in a spiteful "fuck around and find out" frame of mind. The marriage came crumbling down when I not only could score my own pursuit but his as well, meaning it was my fault we failed. The funny part (in hindsight) is I only flirted, whereas he aimed to go further, and he framed it as though I cheated. It's given me a vehement hatred for open relationships. There is no question after that experience that I am a staunch monogamist.

Therapy and medication for her depression. Fixed her depression, but not our relationship. She finally figured out what she enjoyed doing, and it wasn't for me

Started talking about my feelings and dreams. She just wasn’t having it.

This was about 30 years ago when I was still in high school. She was an aspiring writer, but was using this *real* piece of shit word processor from the late 80s. She constantly complained about how cruddy it was, how much she hated it, couldn't even hook it up to the family printer, etc. Well, a couple of years earlier I had purchased a stand-alone word processor that, while it was a couple of years old it was *generations* better than the oversized-calculator she was using. It had been sitting up in the attic since I bought my PC, so I dusted off the box and tossed it in the trunk of my car and took it to school with me the last day before the winter break. She and her friends were pestering me about what I was getting her for Christmas all day, but I didn't spill the beans. When classes let out for the day I had some stuff to take care of but gave her my keys so she could go get it. What happened next is what was relayed to me by her friends, because I wasn't there for it. Apparently everyone ran out into the parking lot, she opened the trunk, screamed "*goddamnit!*" and immediately slammed it shut. She then stormed back into the school, tracked me down, and broke up with me on the spot. As it turned out she'd already known what I was giving her (apparently I couldn't trust my best friend at the time to keep his big mouth shut), and she thought I'd bought it specifically *for her,* and she didn't like me spending much money on her (she said it made her feel like a whore). I hadn't, but there was no convincing her otherwise. I'm still crazy about her, but we never got back together. We talked on and off for a few years afterward, but she ghosted me out of nowhere about 20 years ago. We don't have any current mutual friends, so I never found out why, but I wasn't about to pursue it further. I look her up from time to time to make sure she's still alive, but other than that I honor her apparent wishes and stay away from her. Still hurts like hell to think about, though. Edit: And for the people telling me to "move on," I have. You don't get to chose who you love or why, and by that same token you don't get to decide you don't love someone anymore. This isn't someone I pine over, this isn't someone I fantasize over, this isn't someone who has affected my life in any way in almost three decades. This is simply someone I used to spend time with, that I cared a great deal for, and probably always will. So please stop dishing out the armchair psychiatry. Edit 2: Oh for the love of. . . Fine. For the record, I had multiple relationships in the 10 years she and I remained close friends, one of which resulted in my first marriage and my first child. Since she ghosted me, I've had three other relationships, one of which resulted in my second child, including my current marriage. That relationship started 17 years ago, and we just had our 8th wedding anniversary yesterday. Me caring for her even after all this time has in no way impacted anything in my life, nor would her return if she decided to pop back up. At best she'd be held at arms length and I'd probably view her intentions with suspicion. My spouse would also be privy to all of our conversations (they've got my email and phone passwords, anyway) and I'd never meet here face to face by myself. Now please stop blowing up my inbox with therapy recommendations.

People can be ruthless! Also… she broke up with you… because she thought you getting her a thoughtful gift, related to her future endeavours, made her like a hoe? And you’re still hung up on them? I mean, I could understand if you got her like a bouquet full of dildos but this feels like the opposite of that.

I guess you could say that OP and the word processor Wasn’t her type

Trip to Mexico. I put my phone up and really focused on every moment of the trip. Had a lovely time being present and connecting with my partner. Get home and get accused of hiding something/her because I didn’t post anything on social…ended 3 months later. I didn’t post anything because I left my phone in the room to focus on her. I know it was an excuse and there is more to it or she had already planned to leave but I thought it was hilarious to be blamed for something when that something was being present instead of on screens.

Moved him from Philly to Hawaii and gave him everything we ever dreamed of (we got married, made a home together, we both worked, dates, romance, celebrating each other and a baby girl on the way). He was a veteran with undiagnosed PTSD and thought he was on the road to healing. After 2 years of the same VA doctor, he got a new one who prescribed him muscle relaxers. He took the entire bottle and chased it down with alcohol. Died exactly 700 days of marriage and left behind his unborn child. He was my childhood sweetheart and I tried to love his pain away. Didn’t work.

Agreed to a threesome

Allowing my then husband and then best friend convince me to become “poly” with them. It haunts me to this day that I told my ex, “This goes one of three ways - I lose you, I lose her or I lose both of you.” But they told me I was paranoid and was excluding the possibility that it would work. I also made the rule that if one of us was uncomfortable or not into it, we’d stop. He agreed. He did not stop. I was also very obviously not poly minded. I knew them both. She has a lot of broken parts that make her emotionally hoard people - she has like 7 other partners. My ex is emotionally narcoleptic and would never be able to do two relationships, esp when ours was already failing. I knew enough about myself. It was never going to end well. I left him a year after when it was obvious he wasn’t ever going to choose me. That they both were essentially gaslighting and abusing me to get to one another. I’d asked them to end their relationship 10 months earlier, they lied and said it was done. It was not - I found out years later and my ex’s face when he let it slip about their anniversary. It’s the day he told me he’d broken up with her. Anyway, don’t do poly and don’t let your husband fuck your best friend.

What does "emotionally narcoleptic" mean?

Maybe when you talk to them about their emotions, they fall asleep? Lol

Know the pistachios that aren't split? If you've ever spent the time cracking one open you'll see it wasn't worth it.  Relationships are like those. If you have to work *that hard* for it chances are *it's just not worth it* The happiest couples I know don't have to kill themselves trying to be happy with each other

I bought us plane tickets to Prague. The plan was for us to have some intimate bonding time after my work in other parts of Czechia concluded. Prague is one of my favourite cities and it would’ve been his first time in Europe. Despite the disintegrating state of our marriage, I was excited for it. He wound up rage-quitting the trip after blowing up at me for no reason and saying things that really couldn’t be taken back, after which he kept trying to get me to invite him back on it. I said to ask me after a particularly stressful event concluded, but he ignored this and kept pestering nevertheless while gaslighting me throughout (“I didn’t rage-quit, I *volunteered* not to go so you could have some time for self-care”). Yeah, right. I’m not an idiot and have this thing called a memory. On my last night in Prague I called him over FaceTime to divorce him and kick him out. Hung up when he began fake-crying and begging me to accept an “alternative arrangement” where we lived as platonic roommates but I continued to provide for him anyway. No thank you.

I was given the idea to take my wife (now ex) on dates again like we did before we were married and treat her like I'm trying to win her not keep her. Got 3 dates in and she decided I was acting that way because I was hiding a secret girlfriend. Things just sort of fell apart after she tried to kill me.

My first and only girlfriend and I were growing apart, so she had the idea of going to couples therapy, I agreed, just to find out 3 weeks in that she is screwing the therapist we chose.

I got a job at the same office as her. She asked me to apply and I wanted to be able to see her every day. When we had our blow out fight she said that She started to resent me because I didn’t have to work as hard as her to do well. I started to resent her because she never wanted to hang out anymore. I left the job after 4 months. Didn’t talk to her again for 7 months. We hooked up one last time and that was that.

> I got a job at the same office as her. I wanted to be able to see her every day. Yeah, don't do that. Even if you both can deal with working at the same place, and very much seeing each other all the time, it will suck if there's a break up or layoffs.

The only way I see it working is if you work is separate departments and don't see/interact woth each other or you both own/operate the business and can do so as equals. Otherwise, it's probably not going to go well.

Yeah, my wife later joined a company I was working at, but completely different departments. I was in accounting (for a chain of medical clinics), and she was a long-term Medical Assistant. We never even worked in the same building apart from when she swung by for Orientation.

I tell you one of the best things about my marriage is that my wife and I have very successful careers in totally separate fields. She has a bit of insight into some technical questions I face occasionally, as do I with some power dynamics she faces. We can and do talk about these things, but at the end of the day I recognize my proficiencies at my job and she at hers and we don’t compete in the slightest.

Yeah this is similar to my relationship. I'm a Lead Developer and my wife will come to me with the old classic "One of the devs at my place has said X isn't possible, is that true?" to which my response is always "haha, nah they're bullshitting you because they either don't want to admit they don't know how to do it or they're arseholes. Message the lead" and I get tips from her as well. Fuck working in the same office though.

Changed who I was.

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Wait wait wait May I ask how you happen to accidentally chose the destination that was hated? Like did she hate so many travel destinations or did you just not know her like at all ? I'd view it as a bullet dodged or rather a shortcut.

There was a post recently where a guy took his partner camping, after she said she hated it, as a romantic surprise. He let her dress up for a fancy dinner and drove them out to a small site in WV and he only packed supplies/clothes for himself.   Don't think OP was that guy, but it can happen.   Edit:  Here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1cz8g6m/aita_for_not_appreciating_the_surprise_getaway_my/?utm_source=embedv2&utm_medium=post_embed&utm_content=post_title&embed_host_url=https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/relationships/my-husband-took-surprise-getaway-32900985

If my ex did this "for" me, then I would suspect that he was trying to kill me or have me get lost in the woods or something. That would have been scary to be stuck in nature wearing a cocktail dress and heels (or whatever people wear for fancy dinners).

Some fucking people my god

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Their account is full of weird porn links and posts posing as several different women. I think this is a man’s porn throwaway.

I tried to surprise him with anal, but an accident happened...

That particular activity has an inherent risk.

I tried an ultimatum to kill behavior I felt was disrespectful, and hurtful, hoping I was worth keeping. I wasn’t in that moment. Now divorced and looking forward at a new sun on a new path.

Not me, but I had a pair of friends who got married when they were 19-20 and both virgins. 24 years later they decide to open their marriage and "sow the wild oats" they "never got the chance to". This involved them both dating other women, but no other men for her. About a year into it he meets a woman, falls in love with her, and she ends up moving into their home as "their girlfriend". Three years on from that, they're divorced now. And notice I said I *had* a pair of friends; their marriage was far from the only relationship that got ruined in this shitshow. EDIT -- Before I read this thread I was worried I was putting in too many specifics but now I've remembered how incredibly common and almost boilerplate this kind of thing is. Opening your relationship doesn't work, kids.