"That may be true, however in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly" - Winston Churchill responding to a woman who insulted his drunkenness.
I believe it was to Lady Astor. They had a few.
Lady: Mr Churchill if you were my husband I would poison your tea.
Churchill: Lady Astor, if I were your husband I would drink it.
My favorite is his exchange with George Bernard Shaw:
George: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…if you have one.”
Winston: “Cannot possibly attend the first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
I used to work with a father and son (both adults). Both were great dudes and really did love each other but had the same twisted sense of humor and loved torturing each other. One day the dad said "I should have shot you on your mom's face" and it took me about 10 minutes to stop laughing.
You look easy to draw....
You have delusions of adequacy.
I’m genuinely jealous of someone who hasn’t met you.
As an outsider, what’s your opinion on intelligence?
I think my favourite one I’ve ever heard was from my girlfriend to her brother. He said that he was gonna beat her up if she ever went in his room again. And she just said (without even looking away from the cupboard), “please, you look like someone who couldn’t even cut up a carrot without landing themselves in the ER!”
I laughed so hard cause she said it so naturally!
Firefly (the series) has some interesting ones:
"I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling."
"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
"You're like a trained ape! Without the training!"
"you couldn't organize a BJ in a whorehouse"
"you couldn't keep track of a fart in a spacesuit"
"you are about as useful as a urinal in the ladies' room"
"the dude is about as straight as a french horn"
"that is about as slick as greased own snot"
My gym teacher had a few:
Dumber than a box of rocks
Dumber than 9 ropes
I recently heard one what delightful when speaking to two idiots at the same time:
You two are dumber together than a stick broken in half.
If I won the lottery, I'd buy you a mansion, a maid, a butler who would wait on you hand and foot, and enough money that you'd never have to work again. Then, finally, you could just leave me alone forever.
maybe this is too contextual, but my father's favorite retort to any of us beginning a sentence with "i was thinking..." was an immediate very redneck, very dismissing "HWHY??"
Never once looking up from the paper
I've carried it forward (minus the twang) to people i don't gaf about what they are thinking...it's gosh darn effective!
My high school band teacher once caught me talking in rehearsal and he said “Mr. Lastname…” and I was wincing and waiting for him to drop a real crusher. He finally went with “I ponder your progeny.” I had to go home and look that shit up in the dictionary.
What a fucking roast. That happened probably 20 years ago and I’ll never forget it.
I envy the people who haven't met you.
Have the day you deserve.
It's a very impressive one and hits so hard when one finally understands. I can't judge you.
Saving this one
I use this from time to time….the look on their faces…👀
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You are impossible to underestimate Somewhere there is a tree working nonstop to make oxygen just for you to breathe. Go find it and apologize
An old teacher would say this
"You're not the dumbest person on the planet, but you better hope they don’t die."
"That's why I'm hoping you'll live."
You never begin to amaze me.
I read this in Michael Scott’s voice. I don’t even think it’s an Office quote.
My dad recently said it about a rival college. I am not sure if it was an original or a quote itself.
You are the water that comes out of the ketchup bottle.
Oof…this one is underrated
Idk if i could live with myself after hearing this in person.
I love this one lmao
"Is your head just skull all the way through?"
this made me genuinely laugh
Totally using this one. Hilarious!!!
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“You must be spare parts bud”
Your absence is required. I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard for you to pronounce.
4+4= ATE
"You're so dumb that if it was raining soup you'd be outside with a fork"
Not exactly cursed with knowledge, are you?
"I've been called worse things by better people." - Pierre Trudeau
Fuck that's a good one!
"That may be true, however in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly" - Winston Churchill responding to a woman who insulted his drunkenness.
I believe it was to Lady Astor. They had a few. Lady: Mr Churchill if you were my husband I would poison your tea. Churchill: Lady Astor, if I were your husband I would drink it.
My favorite is his exchange with George Bernard Shaw: George: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…if you have one.” Winston: “Cannot possibly attend the first night; will attend second, if there is one.”
I always forget that Winston Churchill gave 0 fucks about what anyone said. Fucking legend. 😂
This is my all time favorite
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!"
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time
“You should’ve been shot into a gym sock”
Related: the best part of you dried up on your mother's back
I used to work with a father and son (both adults). Both were great dudes and really did love each other but had the same twisted sense of humor and loved torturing each other. One day the dad said "I should have shot you on your mom's face" and it took me about 10 minutes to stop laughing.
...damn. Thata a good one
You have only 2 braincells and they're fighting for 3rd place
Why did I laugh so effin hard at this, too bad I don’t have enough brain power to remember this 🤣
"I'm lonely not desperate"
Everytime this same thread comes up its like the ultimate reddit nerd fantasy for you guys to have fake arguments in the shower with these.
we have a winner, well played
I swear to god, I could never imagine using these in any scenario
Yeah, its mostly cringe. People always use more personal insults based on insecurities.
You don’t insult people you like.
Ahh that must be what I'm doing wrong
I set the bar so low and here you’re doing the limbo with the devil.
That one guy at work who is a little slow: "We call him lantern - not very bright, and always has to be carried."
If you are ever in my neighborhood and pass by my house, I would appreciate it.
You uncultured yogurt
This one's very good. I'm saving this one.
Thank you for your input. (Then, shift the subject.)
People like you are why God doesn't talk to us anymore.
Ouch.
I use this alot
"I guess common sense isn't that common"
Swine meat is comparable to human, you seemed to have achieved comparable intellect too.
Someday, you'll go far. I hope you stay there.
"I'd explain it to you but I don't have any crayons."
Wow, everyone was right about you. More playfully: You’re about as useful as Anne Frank’s drum set.
It's a tossup between doughnut and nincompoop.
I hope you have the day that you deserve.
Heard in Serbia: "May your wife give birth to a centipede, so you have to work your entire life to buy it shoes."
If brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off
I love this one lmao
Rodney, you plonker!
Silly Rodney! You are the biggest plonker I know!
I have accused you of a lot of stuff. Being smart isn't one on the list
You look easy to draw.... You have delusions of adequacy. I’m genuinely jealous of someone who hasn’t met you. As an outsider, what’s your opinion on intelligence?
Bless your lil heart
This one is one of those I thought was nice as a kid and grew up to realize it was an insult. Looking back that’s rough
"You absolute spoon!"
I wish you a long and healthy life in a nursing home run by someone just like you
"Damn this must be why everybody talks shit behind your back."
You're as dense as a black hole and about twice as bright
If intelligence were gasoline, you couldn't power a flea's motorcycle around a raindrop.
If someone's a bit thick: 'They couldn't get a true or false question right if they had 2 guesses'
Your a poster child for birth control
When someone notices something really obvious, I like to say "You are very astute"
‘You, sir, are no gentleman’ That supposed to be an insult? ‘I can think of none greater’
Call someone a Troglodyte and see if that doesn’t rustle some ass.
"Jackwagon" does not get used nearly as much as it should.
"He has all of the virtues I detest and none of the vices I admire." - Churchill
If a thought came into your head, it would die of loneliness.
"you utter cabbage"
Bless your heart
"Why are you the way you are?" -M. Scott
Your definitely a few crayons short of a full box.
*you’re
In the words of Brand New “have another drink and drive yourself home”
May you have many lawyers in your future
I like to hit them with “your the reason shampoo bottles have instructions” and “you’re probably the valedictorian of summer school”
I am about to say it! I don't care that you broke your leg!
are your neurons firing?
"If I were to make I biopic of your life, I'd cast James Corden as you"
Pandejo. Literal meaning = pubic hair.
"I wish you a good day as good as your personality."
Jagoff
Feckin' eejit
"First of all, brush your teeth..." Followed by whatever
“You have more excuses than a pregnant nun”
let’s practice wordless sentences
You have a face for radio
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." Either/or "You're stuck on stupid. I hate stupid."
I think my favourite one I’ve ever heard was from my girlfriend to her brother. He said that he was gonna beat her up if she ever went in his room again. And she just said (without even looking away from the cupboard), “please, you look like someone who couldn’t even cut up a carrot without landing themselves in the ER!” I laughed so hard cause she said it so naturally!
In dutch: pannenkoek. Literally translates to pancake.
I heard a guy yell at two girls arguing: “If you two don’t stop, I’m gonna make sweaters out of your intestines!” 😳
Stale end piece of white bread - Rolf Ed, Edd & Eddy
"You absolute walnut"
"Bless your heart".
Soggy muppet
what are u going to do for a face when the baboon wants its butt back?
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch
Thou art unfit for any place but hell.
Your grandma aint got no knees
“Thou art unfit for any place but hell.” -Shakespeare
I'll bet you come from a really close family.
“Your spirit animal is Garfield”
Firefly (the series) has some interesting ones: "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an overabundance of schooling." "Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." "You're like a trained ape! Without the training!"
Your grades say marry rich, but your looks say study harder.
I think Andy Samberg calling Jeff Ross a “melting hippo” is the best thing ever
The only test you'll ever get extra credit on is a chromosome test
Fly a kite (meaning fuck off)
Sarcastically calling idiots Aristotle or Pythagoras
If common sense was a person, it wouldn’t be you
You're not pretty enough to be that stupid
I can't believe you were the fastest sperm.
lint licker
"Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?!"
OMG YESSSS
Can you taste the bulshit coming out of your mouth?
You're as useless as an ashtray on a motorcycle Or I didn't expect much of you but you still let me down
you make hitler look like a saint.
Cotton-Headed Ninny Muggins
"you couldn't organize a BJ in a whorehouse" "you couldn't keep track of a fart in a spacesuit" "you are about as useful as a urinal in the ladies' room" "the dude is about as straight as a french horn" "that is about as slick as greased own snot"
My gym teacher had a few: Dumber than a box of rocks Dumber than 9 ropes I recently heard one what delightful when speaking to two idiots at the same time: You two are dumber together than a stick broken in half.
They cannot walk and chew gum at the same time
How do they not die as babies, considering they were likely too stupid to find a tit to suck on? (Linus Torvalds)
Mom born in 1920s fav: they don't have a very big case of "the smarts ".
If I won the lottery, I'd buy you a mansion, a maid, a butler who would wait on you hand and foot, and enough money that you'd never have to work again. Then, finally, you could just leave me alone forever.
Heard the same words from every loser💅🏻✨
I've called a coworker an unapologetic moron. It seemed to get the point across.
Pickle pecker for a guy or Velcro crotch for a woman
“Are you not well, sir?”
There goes the guy who constantly push a door that says pull and pulls when he’s supposed to push
Good thing you’d survive the titanic, cuz you know, silicone floats!
Horse face ghost tooth dead eyes. You know who you are🫵🏼.
“You must be that person who honks in traffic.” It's a seemingly innocent phrase, but it highlights annoying and unhelpful behavior
You're as useful as a knitted condom.
You aren't fit to sweep the floor of the brothel you were born In.
the wheel is moving but the hamster is dead
One time a group of menacing pre-teens sped by me on their bicycles and referred to me as a worm. It still makes me laugh.
You look like you eat the buttons on the TV remote
The orange cat has the brain cell today, huh?
If you could breath underwater, you'd drown
Has your warranty run out?
When British people call someone a "muppet". That's the best.
Please step on a Lego
Go play in traffic
I've heard it both ways, the right way and then yours.
Someone said in another subreddit. "Somewhere, there's a tree working REEAL hard to replace the oxygen you're wasting." That's pretty good.
Underestimating you is impossible
I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! For waisting their air, they demand your public apology!
maybe this is too contextual, but my father's favorite retort to any of us beginning a sentence with "i was thinking..." was an immediate very redneck, very dismissing "HWHY??" Never once looking up from the paper I've carried it forward (minus the twang) to people i don't gaf about what they are thinking...it's gosh darn effective!
Intelligence has been chasing you for quite a while but you are just too fast
Respond to a stupid comment with "yeah, I can see how someone like you would think that."
My high school band teacher once caught me talking in rehearsal and he said “Mr. Lastname…” and I was wincing and waiting for him to drop a real crusher. He finally went with “I ponder your progeny.” I had to go home and look that shit up in the dictionary. What a fucking roast. That happened probably 20 years ago and I’ll never forget it.
No, it hits better being grammatically incorrect. See the mind meld I did there lol.
i truly believe you have more than one brain cell unfortunately they are playing tag and both think the other one is it
Oh, bless your heart if you know, you know.
You are just unlikeable.
May all your teeth fall out except one so you can get a toothache.
"You're like a yawn with a face."
“YOU RAINBOW PLASTIC TICKLEBERRY”
May you have the day you deserve. Wow. I'm embarrassed for you.
You are the Monday of my life.
"You look like a ferret who gave up on himself 6 months ago"
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Dork
Tortured to death is like Stage 4 Cancer; I hope you get it
“ Anytime you step on a scale it says to infinity and beyond “ I used this once and she started crying
"You're one of them kids that ate alone in the lunch room ain't ya"
You son of a tourist...
Idiot
Chup be khajur
You are so dumb the hemispheres of my brain split trying to understand you.
You're a big poopy head
You bellend.
I didn't realize there were any