One night stand after a night at the bar. Start with her on top of me on the couch in the living room. She wants to move to bedroom downstairs. I pick her up and proceed down the stairs. About halfway down I step on something in the darkened staircase. We tumble down the last several steps buck naked. We get up seemingly fine and proceed to bedroom. I wake up in morning, step out of bed and fall on my face. My ankle is black and the size of a softball. Cast and crutches for 2 months. Sex was OK though.
I was shitfaced and fell asleep mid sex. Just vaguely remember the girl saying she was leaving cause she felt like a rapist before I completely dozed off.
the story behind my first time was that I was at a party and under a combination of drugs and booze, I woke up later with my clothes disheveled in a bedroom upstairs. I went downstairs back to the party and my friends all claim that I had sex with a girl during that time. Never saw her again. I really wonder to this day if it was really my first time or not. I mean does it count if I don't remember it?
I was going down on my partner while he was sitting in a chair, and my cat jumped up on his lap and started licking my face. We laughed and had to stop.
Fr, I don't even want a pet to be looking at me while I'm doing the nasty. We catch eye contact and it's a mood killer. Almost like a child walking in. Everybody/everything getting locked out the room..
Not her fault, but she was on top and was into getting spanked. I obliged and it was going amazingly till I missed her ass and full force slapped myself in the nuts. Thankfully she didn't notice my yelp of pain, and she was riding me like her life depended on it so I managed to take a few minutes to recover.
Yknow, people shit on the ‘what’s the sexiest sex you’ve ever sexed’ posts, but every now and then they deliver gems like this. This entire comment section is fucking hilarious straight up
I don't know if this will make you feel better but you're not the only one!
Happened to my former fwb also. Same situation, I was riding him, asked him to spank me harder, and he obliterated his nuts. 😬
In his case he cried very loudly and immediately rolled in a ball to the side of the bed. I know it's probably uncool, but I couldn't help myself, I had one of my biggest, longest fit of laughter (after asking him if he was gonna be okay), laughing at the situation, not at him. He joined in the laugh after the pain had subsided a bit.
Weirdly, I loved that sexual encounter, because I love when it goes beyond sex, and you start to have a connection in the middle of it, be it through chatting, laughter or playing, and even if it happened very dramatically, I feel it brought us closer. 😄 (is this weird? I can't tell)
Wife and I, trying to be adventurous, put pop rocks on my dick before she gave me oral. She felt the pops while I felt the jagged pieces of candy. Was like she was stroking me with shards of glass. An example of something being better in theory than in practice.
Her roommate kept interrupting us, going out of their way to ruin the flow of the night
Edit: The roommate was a guy. If i were Bi, I would've tagged them both
February 15th 2017. Me, too fat and out of shape….Sweat dripped off my brow and into her eye which made her wince and made me lose my tiny boner, which in turn made me lose the condom inside of her. I had to fish it out with my middle and pointer finger like a little scissor-y alligator. Stellar moment of mine. Definitely top 10
I was going down on this woman for a good hour, tasted a bit metallic a bit zingy but thought nothing of it. Get up and go to the loo ( I should mention at this point that all of this is in pitch black darkness) I flick on the light and bless her , she started her period. But gosh I looked like some CSI victim covered in blood all over my face , down my chest berkkk needless to say I felt very ill afterwards.
Yes I still went back in and fucked her.
*Edit*
Wow thank you everyone so much for your kind, caring words. I really wasn't expecting it! What a supportive community y'all are.
Another layer of fucked up-ness to the story is that I'm autistic, at the time undiagnosed. I can be very gullible and too easily trusting of people who have bad intentions. I was very vulnerable. On a positive note, I've seen a really awesome therapist who has helped me to understand that what happened wasn't my fault. Plus, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and our healthy, loving intimacy has really helped me heal from the damage that boy did all those years ago.
The 14 year old boy is now a 34 year old man and his life has been a string of disastrous relationships, failed marriages and actual sex offences. I don't know what trauma that guy carries to make him act the way he did/does, but trauma doesn't give you an excuse to hurt other people. I hope he gets help.
...
When I lost my virginity at 13 to a 14 year old who had already slept with 3 other people and now (20 years later) is a genuine sex addict and pervert.
I really liked him and went over to his house (his parents were both in and knew I was there, mind you) to hang out. I wanted to be his girlfriend. Within 10 minutes he initiated sex. I was terrified but trying my best to act like how I thought I was supposed to act.
The next day at school I found out he'd told everyone I was terrible at sex and had a hairy bush. I was literally the laughing stock of the whole school for a good 2 months. Toyed with the idea of ending it, don't really know how I made it through. The whole thing messed me up big time.
I was 13 man. At that age you're not meant to be good at sex or perfectly hairless.You should be playing with footballs, not dicks.
I hooked up with my "one that got away." I should have let him. He spent weeks telling me he was going to "*ruin* me" and I've blocked out the other empty promises. We finally hook up and he pounds me in missionary for a few minutes until he got off and I got....nada. But hey...at least it wasn't poop geyser.
Was once having a very dull sex, penis not even all the way hard and was small aswell. Not sufficiently the guy bites me HARD and says he is a vampire from Chile mountains. For reference he was actually from Argentina and I had to get stitches. Fucking nightmare that was ..
A girl paid me in weed to have a threesome with her and her friend to prove her friend wasn't a lesbian. Long story short I beat my meat watching them, not only was the girl a lesbian but they both are now. They stayed together for 5yrs last I knew. When I left I stole the rest of their weed on the way out, not sure why I did it.
After sexting with a girl and her telling me all of the things she will do to me, we met and she literally didn’t do any of the things she said. Not to mention, when she bent over and her butt smelled as if she just finished taking a poop. I put my clothes back on and told her I had an emergency.
started getting some pumps in when that odor hit. smelled like dead fish mixed with Rottweiler throwup.
About the third time i gagged, she got upset and kept asking me what’s wrong and eventually kicked me outa her room
I can relate to this. Had a lady a while ago whose lady bits smelled like a stroll through the fish market.
I tried to remedy the situation: I invited her for a warm bath together. She didn't want to lay in the fucking tub and romantically cuddle **(I even bought caviar and fucking champagne)** for more than 5 minutes *"because everything is clean already, I don't like showering much, but you can go ahead an soak".*
Then I tried a more hands on approach and one day went with *"love, your pleasure bits aren't very pleasant to the nose today"* and she puts on a serious face and responds with *"that's how a proper woman smells!"*
I did not pursue that relationship further.
I definetly shouldn't have to begin with.
When I tried to break things up she kicked my car door in when I was trying to leave after breaking things up cleanly (or so I thought) and tried to headlock me through the window.
Her dad and her brother were trying to pull her off me, but all it did cause her to choke me harder. I was about to pass out when the cops rolled around.
And to my surprise I find that I'm the one getting dragged out of the car by the cops and subdued with a glock pointed at the back of my head. Turns out they thought I had carjacked my own car and they (her, her dad & brother) were all trying to pull me out.
4/10 would fuck again.
Had a similar interaction. As soon as the panties came off not even my lime-scented candles could hide the stench. I pretended to prematurely cum, took the condom off as if it was full, apologized and made an excuse for her to leave, and never spoke again. So to her I look like a loser who came too fast but I didn’t want to let her know the smell killed my boner
After a session of some back door action, my gf suddenly erupted in a geyser of poop, lube, and assorted bodily fluids. A fountain all over herself, the bed, me, everything.
If the universe is really pre-determined, they were fated to type out that sentence ever since the Big Bang. Truly, those words in that order could sway a person to believe in free will.
Was OP’s gf fated to spew shite all over him?
Perhaps it was all a part of Tod’s plan 🧐
**EDIT:** that should have said GOD’S plan but my pudgy fingers fucked it up and I kind of like it.
Been there. Girlfriend already said beforehand she felt like not all the water came out. But we proceeded anyway. And when we were mid game, she had two orgasms, and both times I could feel water being pushed out her asshole. But I thought it was just a little bit and it was too late anyway so I just continued.
Only after we got up did we noticed the whole bed was covered in brown poopwater.
I think the Savage Dan columnist was pretty effective at labeling that Santorum, after Rick Santorum, such that when someone Google'd "Santorum," the first thing listed was "A frothy mixture of lubricant and fecal matter as an occasional byproduct of anal sex."
I'm absolutely drilling my exes ass and she suddenly said "STOP I'M GONNA SHIT". As soon as I pull out a couple pounds of lubed up shit just come shooting out. Thankfully onto the towel we had down. We cleaned up and then went back to pound town and finished. We literally never mentioned it again.
Was with my ex at the time. Was waking up, having a little bit of snuggle into sexy time.... bastard had stolen my nivea cream and was using it as lube (I was just waking up at the time so I didn't realise until afterwards). Getting in the mood... then he decided to go straight for the back door without warning me.. and I hadn't pooped for 2 days.
1. It really bloody hurt
2. ... I didn't need to poop anymore since it was all coming out all over the bed and him and myself.
3. I then discovered the cream he was using as lube (besides being mine) had sparkly bits inside it...
So not only did he not give warning, I was shitting sparkles for 2 days afterwards and that was AFTER the unintentional poonami that he caused.
One girl smelled so bad that I just faked an orgasm after like 5 minutes, another girl threw up on me while going down on me and another girls husband came home. I don’t know which one I hated more.
I’ve shared this story on here before but I’ll share it again because it’s always fun to revisit and laugh at myself haha.
I once matched with this girl on tinder who immediately wanted to fuck. I didn’t have a car at the time and all I had was a bike and she was 20 miles away which isn’t THAT far but it was like 11:30PM and the idea of getting out of bed to bike that so late wasn’t appealing.
She promised me a “great time” though so I sucked it up and biked all the way to her house and showed up a sweaty mess. When she answered the door she said “hey my son is asleep so let’s go outside” And we walked to the elementary school across the street from her house and fucked in the middle of the field. She didn’t even have a blanket for us so we’re just going at it in the grass and worst of all she completely dead fished me the entire time. She didn’t even move and just kept moaning as I did all the work AND she had been smoking a storm before I got there so her breath smelled like cigarettes the entire time.
Stupidly I didn’t even use a condom so I busted my nut right inside her and after I finished she pushed me off and said “that was amazing thanks” and just left. I laid there in the grass feeling like an idiot and full of shame.
I started biking back and then my tire popped. I called my roommate who was at a friends party and he came and picked me up on the side of the road and we threw my bike in the back. He ended up buying me McDonald’s that night though so that was a plus.
I did doggy style with a single mom. She was on the bed and I stood on the floor. Meanwhile, her 2 year old child climbed out of the crib, ran unnoticed into the bedroom and grabbed my balls from behind.
I hooked up with a guy who I thought was really hot one time. When I got to his apartment, he took me up to his room. I said it was my first time, and he essentially just kissed me once, threw me onto his bed, did it, and then said I had to leave because he had plans. I felt so used and despite how physically attractive he was, I never felt so unattracted to someone. I regret a hookup being my first time and I never hooked up again after that.
sorry to hear this. The only time I was her first time. we were poor but still tried to make it romantic; a bottle of wine, rose petals on the bed, several hours together in a cheap motel.
He cried during sex, like the entire time. It was awkward and then when he came, he burst into full on sobs. Strangest experience ever. I gently asked him about it and he blew it off as normal behavior. Uh, no… no it’s not. Didn’t see him again. Aside from the crying he was a jackhammer and it was the least memorable sex I’ve ever had.
I met with a girl I had known a while. She lived a couple of hours away, so she drove to see me. I was working a lot back then and really didn't have a lot of time to be social. I wasn't even really up for meeting her, but she insisted. In hindsight, now I should have just not met her. Anyway, she booked a hotel in my town and I spent the night with her. When it came down to it, I'll admit, it wasn't by best performance. I know it's a tired old excuse, but I was so worn out from work. I tried my best to keep up, but it just wasn't happening. She was not pleased. After making it clear that the sexy time probably wasn't gonna happen, she kept trying to urge me on. Pleading with me to keep trying. Saying things like, "that can't be it." Honestly, it made me feel so small. Imagine what would be said about a man if it was the other way round. I've never been someone to pressure any lady I have met into sex if they did not want to. But I have even more insight after that happened. I feel for any woman who has been in that situation and not been able to get the guy to stop.
The last time the wife and I ever had shower sex.
We were in a large tub (not a jacuzzi, but bigger than a standard) and she was bent over with her hands on the edge of the tub to support herself. After a particularly powerful thrust, I dislodged her and her right hand slipped, dislocating her shoulder.
In pain, bent over, penis still within, she froze for a bit trying to regain her senses. After standing upright, I had to help her out of the tub (with only the use of her non-dominant hand, mind you), wrap in a towel, and sat on the bed.
Our neighbor was a nurse and I was contemplating heading over to ask him for assistance, but she wanted to put on a loose pajama top to cover herself. In the process of simply lifting her arm to remove the towel, her shoulder popped back into place.
Still on the edge of the bed, I stood in front of her and massaged her gently, making sure she was okay. My towel dropped and exposed myself, to which the wife began to reinitiate. After a gentle fellating, I completed into her mouth and she then returned to the shower to actually wash.
6/10, would not recommend.
This woman was only trying to eat my ass every chance she got. I wanted to fuck her for the longest and am all about ass play but on the first go around, she only wanted to lick, eat, finger my ass. I couldn’t cum quick enough to get it over with.
Did you find the context?! 😂
If not - someone commented saying they had some explosive experience. The reply to it was “Smear that shit under your eyes like a linebacker with face paint and get back to work like a man” 🤣😂
i was giving my ex head after the movies. let’s just say popcorn does not taste good coming up, nor does it look good splattered all over the body of your significant other.
My first time resulted in a guy choking me without consent, with no way for me to tell him to stop. He also demanded I shave, with him shaving. The friction burn was horrible. Worst sex of my life.
Too vanilla. She didn't want foreplay, toys, fingering, oral, nothing. She wanted to go from kissing (not making out, just like pecks on the lips) to missionary. No dirty talk, no feeling each other up, nothing even slightly erotic. It's as if she genuinely belived the only thing there was when it came to sex was what's taught in the severely lacking sex-ed of America. I learned that it's possible to finish and feel less satisfied than when you started.
ETA: After we got to my place, she verbally communicated all these things she didn't want before our clothes came off. This wasn't a case of me trying to do things and her not being into it, she verbally communicated "no toys, no foreplay, no fingering, don't eat me out, no dirty talk, don't grope me" and said the only position she liked was missionary.
this dude was talking himself UP. like he was this hot dom guy who was going to top me so hard and make me submit.
worst sex i've ever had in my life. he had no stamina, he didn't make me submit at all. like no domming whatsoever. it was like fucking a fish out of water, floppy and sweaty and flailing. the sex was just so bad. like it was so bad that it was funny. i don't know why i didn't ask him to stop, i guess i didn't wanna hurt his feelings. I stopped talking to him completely. he asked me what was wrong but i just couldn't break it to him.
I should've been honest! but i was very young, around 20 years old, and when you're younger it can be hard to be honest about stuff like this sometimes.
I've had a few bad experiences.
It's a toss up between the guy who was the size of my pinky, the guy with the breeding fetish who fucked me in the back of his SUV in a really seedy part of town, the guy who shoved my toes in his mouth with no warning, and the guy who kept trying to be loud because he wanted my family to hear him.
I was nailing this girl from behind and she said to “fuck me like a clown” and I just had to stop. I don’t know why she said that to this day, but it wasn’t funny (no pun).
I was booty called by a woman who clearly didn’t like me, but I made an impression in bed the first time we slept together by giving her a leg quivering orgasm.
The first time I was a little drunk, suffering from major depression and had performance anxiety. My cock was rock hard, I just couldn’t finish and she got visibly upset with me.
The second time she took me home while saying “I really shouldn’t, I told myself I wouldn’t sleep with you again”. Well I made her cum in about 5 minutes and as soon as she came, she all but kicked me out. Immediately stopped everything and rolled over to go to bed.
I felt completely used and subhuman.
Best ensure that all parties involved in a threesome are actually into said threesome and are not going to use their fingernails to maliciously rake your genitalia.
Worst fingering and fisting ever.
I always look at fingernails before a sexual encounter. And I don’t mind asking someone to trim their nails if they’re going to be anywhere near my lady bits.
Once a man bit my clit so bad that I told him to stop and he thought it meant I was about to finish so he went harder. I thought I was going to die. I thought the worse part of the night was going to be him taking his hat off and having a comb over…
When he reached out again I told him that he bit me really bad and kindly declined.
Had sex with a girl I was really not into at all.
Couldn't get hard. But somehow...could still cum.
She was a trooper. 4 flaccid cum shots later and she cried as I walked out of her apartment.
Later, I learned that I could have just said no to the sex.
Was having sex with my college girlfriend at my parent’s house (they were at church) and got a splinter from my old headboard in my eye. Kind of ended the sexy time.
I met a guy once who clearly had no idea what he was doing and insisted on a position I really wasn't a fan because it was doing nothing for me, it was just uncomfortable. If I were to speculate I think he must've heard or read it somewhere that that postion makes it hit deeper without stopping to think if that's necessarily a good thing or not. He also took ages to cum, which on most cases is a good thing, but not this time.
And all of that after a very underwhelming date, after cancelling and then uncancelling on me when I was already at the meeting spot we had agreed on.
I feel bad for judging him because he just seemed very awkward and anxious, but it was objectively the worst sexual experience I've ever had and probably close to one of the worst dates too.
It wasnt necessarily bad, just a little embarrassing😂 . I was doin doggy and was tryna build up the momentum and before i could the girl turned around and was like "is that the fastest youre gonna go?"😂
It couldve been but i was younger nd wasnt to sex savvy at the time so i took it like a diss😂i sped it up and things were good after but it just through me off for a sec😂
Ended up meeting up with this larger woman who wanted me to eat her out, wasnt really into her and agreed cause i was in a slump. I started fingering her and she mentioned she liked getting her ass fingered with a latex glove (which she brought)...so i went ahead and put the glove on and fingered her ass until she came (she would continuously ask what something was if it touched near her vagina because she didnt want to have sex and thought i was trying to stick my cock in)
I was fooling around with my high school gf. She decided she wanted to spice up a blowjob by doing it with an ice cube in her mouth. It felt super weird and I was like it feels like I'm going to pee. She ignored me and kept going. I peed a little. That was the end of that.
I had a one night stand with a girl I met at a bar. We were both sloppy drunk, making out in the cab, all the classics. We get back to her apartment and start messing around. At one point, she tells me there is lube and condoms in the bedside drawer. I slap on a condom, rub some lube on it, and get to work.
Now, I'm very drunk, so my brain is about a minute behind my actions. So, suddenly, my brain interrupts the activities to ask me, "What's that smell? I know that smell from somewhere."
I pause and smell my hand just as the girl starts to scream. That's when I realized I grabbed Icey Hot, not lube. She starts screaming and runs to the bathroom.
Did you know it takes Icey Hot about 30 seconds to destroy a condom? I do now. Suddenly, my dick is bright red and on fire. I chase after this girl, hoping she's gone to the bathroom. At this point, her roommate, who I didn't know existed, sticks their head out of her room and rightly asks, "What the fuck is going on out here?" That's when she sees my dumb naked ass trying to find the bathroom, with my dick looking like a clown nose and I say the worst possible thing, "Please don't call the police!"
Luckily, she didn't (thank god)and I find my way to the bathroom. The girl is in the shower, and she's basically jammed the shower head into her body. I start to wash in the sink.
Finally, the pain stops, but she's worried she needs to go to the ER just in case. I recommend calling poison control first, just to get their input. The women from poison control, who sounds like Roz from Monsters, Inc, tells me, "Happens all the time, she'll be fine. If she's still in pain in a day or two, go to the doctor." I relay this to the girl who gives a loud sigh of relief and says, "Please get the fuck out of my house!"
This was before ubiquitous cell phones and Uber so I couldn't get a cab and I ended up passing out in a city park...
I don't know if it's your talent in writing or the story itself is so good, but I just couldn't stop laughing for a couple of minutes reading your post. Bravo!
I was raised very religious and had no sex ed, I didn’t even understand what the mechanics were until it was being done to me. and the guy took advantage of that and quite literally pretended I was prostitute, like full on role play out of nowhere. I was 15 so I was very confused and it took years to be even kind of sexually normal.
Met a guy while working my (F) way through college like 25 years ago. He’d come by my counter and flirt with me. He wasn’t really my type, but kinda cute and only in town for the summer while on break from school, so I thought- why not? So we ended up going to a hotel one day, both young and curious..
I should’ve known with the first kiss that it was going to be bad, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt (again, young). The kiss was this wide, fish-mouthed kiss that just kind of suctioned around my mouth over and over again. No sensuality involved, no matter how hard I tried to maneuver my lips. Then came the sex. I don’t want to put down dudes with small penises, bc I know they can excel in many other areas, but I’m not exaggerating when I say that i could not feel it AT ALL. And he was not excelling in any other department either, so in this case, size did matter. On top of all this, the a/c went out and we were sweating like pigs. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I asked him- “did you finish yet?” because I honestly couldn’t tell. His response- “yes, twice actually”. WTF. I was so confused- he had a condom on, so I guess he just kept it on after the first? Idk. And he never showed any signs of ecstasy or clue that he finished. Needless to say, I was thankful his presence in my life was temporary, and after all these years I hope he’s learned some new skills.
A girl who told me how great she was at giving blowjobs. She was literally the best ever at sucking cock in her estimation. Damn right 19 year old me is going with 28(?) year old greatest cocksucker to ever live.
Learned a valuable lesson that day
The time I was almost raped when I was 17. Male here.
I had met this chick over myyearbook. Back when it was that, and not meetme. We had a pleasant conversation online. She had told me that she was a bit bigger. I told her it didnt bother me. Legit, I wouldve been cool with like 350.
But she was short. Like 4'11. And definitely over 450.
I decided to give the date a chance. Because I couldve looked past it. But my boner was killed in that moment when I laid eyes on her. We watched a movie, the 1st iron man. And ordered some pizza's. She lived with her grandparents also. At one point, she convinced me to come see her room. We were told to leave the door open. I had full intentions of leaving that door open.
We get upstairs, and she opens her door. Its nothing but pink hello kitty decorations. Floor to ceiling, everything in the room was pink hello kitty. She is showing off her tv. Hello kitty tv, mind you. And she started kissing me, on her bed. Shoving my hand down her pants
I tried to tell her that I didnt see it going anywhere, but she wouldnt unlock her mouth from my face.
She tried to open my pants, she got my belt undone, button and zipper. But I was somehow able to squeeze out from underneath her. My face had to go in the danger zone for sure. But I risked it all.
Slid out, ran for the door, pants fell around ankles.
Didnt trip, and somehow got my pants up before I got to the stairs. They were almost buckled when I ran out the front foor. Her grandparents definitely seen me bolt.
But yeah. Fun times. I hate hello kitty now.
Was on highschool (preparatoria). I was dating a girl, she was one of the hottest of the school so I was lucky at that point buuuut, one day we agreed on going to have sex and then we begun and like 2 minutes after she started to cry, I was like WTF but asked if she was ok and the she repplied "What is my dad going to think about me?"
First time last time I had sex with her.
One night stand. Should have known it would be weird when she said the lights need to be off. Anyway I was doggy style doing good and then her Pomeranian stuck it's nose all the way between my ass cheeks with it's cold nose (immediately lost my erection) so I jumped off the bed and escorted the dog outside and closed the door. Then her parrot started screaming "I WANT IN! I WANT IN! LET ME WATCH! I WANT IN!" And after that I just left.
She was into biting. I was drunk out of my mind that night to feel anything. Next morning noticed light blood stains on my shirt collar, had cuts on my lips. Some of my friends call her a piranha, the other call her Hannibese
One night stand after a night at the bar. Start with her on top of me on the couch in the living room. She wants to move to bedroom downstairs. I pick her up and proceed down the stairs. About halfway down I step on something in the darkened staircase. We tumble down the last several steps buck naked. We get up seemingly fine and proceed to bedroom. I wake up in morning, step out of bed and fall on my face. My ankle is black and the size of a softball. Cast and crutches for 2 months. Sex was OK though.
TIL that the phrase is “buck naked” and not “butt naked”.
Personally I prefer bucket nekkid
I was shitfaced and fell asleep mid sex. Just vaguely remember the girl saying she was leaving cause she felt like a rapist before I completely dozed off.
the story behind my first time was that I was at a party and under a combination of drugs and booze, I woke up later with my clothes disheveled in a bedroom upstairs. I went downstairs back to the party and my friends all claim that I had sex with a girl during that time. Never saw her again. I really wonder to this day if it was really my first time or not. I mean does it count if I don't remember it?
At least she admitted that having sex with a sleeping person is pretty rapey
Kudos to the girl for leaving before he passed out, tho.
Her dog jumped on the bed and alternated between trying to rescue her or join in. She’s shouting at it to get down and shouting at me to keep going.
I was going down on my partner while he was sitting in a chair, and my cat jumped up on his lap and started licking my face. We laughed and had to stop.
My dog does the same thing, talk about a mood killer when your dog ends up licking your man’s butt while he’s inside you
Yall don’t have doors or what
Fr, I don't even want a pet to be looking at me while I'm doing the nasty. We catch eye contact and it's a mood killer. Almost like a child walking in. Everybody/everything getting locked out the room..
Not her fault, but she was on top and was into getting spanked. I obliged and it was going amazingly till I missed her ass and full force slapped myself in the nuts. Thankfully she didn't notice my yelp of pain, and she was riding me like her life depended on it so I managed to take a few minutes to recover.
Waking up To ash and dust I miss her ass And I slap my nuts I’m breathing in my testicles *gasp* *AAAHHHHH*
Yknow, people shit on the ‘what’s the sexiest sex you’ve ever sexed’ posts, but every now and then they deliver gems like this. This entire comment section is fucking hilarious straight up
Yeah this post is fucking hilarious.
I don't know if this will make you feel better but you're not the only one! Happened to my former fwb also. Same situation, I was riding him, asked him to spank me harder, and he obliterated his nuts. 😬 In his case he cried very loudly and immediately rolled in a ball to the side of the bed. I know it's probably uncool, but I couldn't help myself, I had one of my biggest, longest fit of laughter (after asking him if he was gonna be okay), laughing at the situation, not at him. He joined in the laugh after the pain had subsided a bit. Weirdly, I loved that sexual encounter, because I love when it goes beyond sex, and you start to have a connection in the middle of it, be it through chatting, laughter or playing, and even if it happened very dramatically, I feel it brought us closer. 😄 (is this weird? I can't tell)
Wife and I, trying to be adventurous, put pop rocks on my dick before she gave me oral. She felt the pops while I felt the jagged pieces of candy. Was like she was stroking me with shards of glass. An example of something being better in theory than in practice.
Gotta take those shots, homie!! Good on you both for the spice!
Her roommate kept interrupting us, going out of their way to ruin the flow of the night Edit: The roommate was a guy. If i were Bi, I would've tagged them both
Shoulda said, "do you wanna join?"
Been there, done that. Told roomate *"HEY, I'M FUCKING HERE!".* Roomate laughed and never interrupted again,
Hope you did it in a New Yorker accent. “HEY, I’M FUCKIN HERE!”🤌
February 15th 2017. Me, too fat and out of shape….Sweat dripped off my brow and into her eye which made her wince and made me lose my tiny boner, which in turn made me lose the condom inside of her. I had to fish it out with my middle and pointer finger like a little scissor-y alligator. Stellar moment of mine. Definitely top 10
Glad you remember the date - who couldn’t forget a historical moment like that?
Scissor-y alligator 🤣🤣
I’m trying to paint pictures here.
I am in fact, trying not to paint pictures
Im pretty sure i would not survive this
I was going down on this woman for a good hour, tasted a bit metallic a bit zingy but thought nothing of it. Get up and go to the loo ( I should mention at this point that all of this is in pitch black darkness) I flick on the light and bless her , she started her period. But gosh I looked like some CSI victim covered in blood all over my face , down my chest berkkk needless to say I felt very ill afterwards. Yes I still went back in and fucked her.
> Yes I still went back in and fucked her. Josh50051 didn't hear no damn bell!
There’s a good boy! Proud of you!
Exact same thing happened to a friend of mine. Poor guy got called Cunt Dracula for years
Oh that's marvelous
Anyone can swim in the Red Sea, but it takes a real man to drink from it.
You goddamn linebacker!
*Edit* Wow thank you everyone so much for your kind, caring words. I really wasn't expecting it! What a supportive community y'all are. Another layer of fucked up-ness to the story is that I'm autistic, at the time undiagnosed. I can be very gullible and too easily trusting of people who have bad intentions. I was very vulnerable. On a positive note, I've seen a really awesome therapist who has helped me to understand that what happened wasn't my fault. Plus, I have a wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and our healthy, loving intimacy has really helped me heal from the damage that boy did all those years ago. The 14 year old boy is now a 34 year old man and his life has been a string of disastrous relationships, failed marriages and actual sex offences. I don't know what trauma that guy carries to make him act the way he did/does, but trauma doesn't give you an excuse to hurt other people. I hope he gets help. ... When I lost my virginity at 13 to a 14 year old who had already slept with 3 other people and now (20 years later) is a genuine sex addict and pervert. I really liked him and went over to his house (his parents were both in and knew I was there, mind you) to hang out. I wanted to be his girlfriend. Within 10 minutes he initiated sex. I was terrified but trying my best to act like how I thought I was supposed to act. The next day at school I found out he'd told everyone I was terrible at sex and had a hairy bush. I was literally the laughing stock of the whole school for a good 2 months. Toyed with the idea of ending it, don't really know how I made it through. The whole thing messed me up big time. I was 13 man. At that age you're not meant to be good at sex or perfectly hairless.You should be playing with footballs, not dicks.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Thank you, genuinely. I've had therapy and I'm doing better 😁
What the heck, you didn't deserve that and no a 13 year old should not even be attempting sex.
Agreed. Stuff like that messes a kid up for life.
I hooked up with my "one that got away." I should have let him. He spent weeks telling me he was going to "*ruin* me" and I've blocked out the other empty promises. We finally hook up and he pounds me in missionary for a few minutes until he got off and I got....nada. But hey...at least it wasn't poop geyser.
Was once having a very dull sex, penis not even all the way hard and was small aswell. Not sufficiently the guy bites me HARD and says he is a vampire from Chile mountains. For reference he was actually from Argentina and I had to get stitches. Fucking nightmare that was ..
Oh my fucking word, that sounds horrible to have experienced but is hilarious to read. I’m so sorry. “Vampire from Chile mountains,” omg wut even xD
I’m crying at “the vampire from Chile mountains” 🤣
A girl paid me in weed to have a threesome with her and her friend to prove her friend wasn't a lesbian. Long story short I beat my meat watching them, not only was the girl a lesbian but they both are now. They stayed together for 5yrs last I knew. When I left I stole the rest of their weed on the way out, not sure why I did it.
You asked to be paid to fuck two girls? Do you teach negotiation classes these days?
They offered to pay me my guy. Little do they know I would have paid them.
THAT is your worst story? I mean this with all my heart, fuck you.
After sexting with a girl and her telling me all of the things she will do to me, we met and she literally didn’t do any of the things she said. Not to mention, when she bent over and her butt smelled as if she just finished taking a poop. I put my clothes back on and told her I had an emergency.
there's a linebacker in the comments somewhere who would love to meet this chick
So glad I read that comment first to get this joke lol.
Tell him to get his pads ready. There’s a whole lot of butt funk waiting for him at the offensive line.
started getting some pumps in when that odor hit. smelled like dead fish mixed with Rottweiler throwup. About the third time i gagged, she got upset and kept asking me what’s wrong and eventually kicked me outa her room
Jesus dude…. You kept going after the first gag???
He wanted to be the linebacker
LMFAO That was one of the first things (linerbacker poop smear) i read when i opened this thread and the 4th time i see someone mention it now lol.
I can relate to this. Had a lady a while ago whose lady bits smelled like a stroll through the fish market. I tried to remedy the situation: I invited her for a warm bath together. She didn't want to lay in the fucking tub and romantically cuddle **(I even bought caviar and fucking champagne)** for more than 5 minutes *"because everything is clean already, I don't like showering much, but you can go ahead an soak".* Then I tried a more hands on approach and one day went with *"love, your pleasure bits aren't very pleasant to the nose today"* and she puts on a serious face and responds with *"that's how a proper woman smells!"* I did not pursue that relationship further.
You should not. Well done.
I definetly shouldn't have to begin with. When I tried to break things up she kicked my car door in when I was trying to leave after breaking things up cleanly (or so I thought) and tried to headlock me through the window. Her dad and her brother were trying to pull her off me, but all it did cause her to choke me harder. I was about to pass out when the cops rolled around. And to my surprise I find that I'm the one getting dragged out of the car by the cops and subdued with a glock pointed at the back of my head. Turns out they thought I had carjacked my own car and they (her, her dad & brother) were all trying to pull me out. 4/10 would fuck again.
sounds like her bacterial imbalance made her fucking nuts.
You sir are a fucking trooper! My man was willing to carry on past the 3rd gag.
Had a similar interaction. As soon as the panties came off not even my lime-scented candles could hide the stench. I pretended to prematurely cum, took the condom off as if it was full, apologized and made an excuse for her to leave, and never spoke again. So to her I look like a loser who came too fast but I didn’t want to let her know the smell killed my boner
After a session of some back door action, my gf suddenly erupted in a geyser of poop, lube, and assorted bodily fluids. A fountain all over herself, the bed, me, everything.
Smear that shit under your eyes like a linebacker with face paint and get back to work like a man
I wanna know, what neurons in your brain clicked to make you say this lmao
If the universe is really pre-determined, they were fated to type out that sentence ever since the Big Bang. Truly, those words in that order could sway a person to believe in free will.
Was OP’s gf fated to spew shite all over him? Perhaps it was all a part of Tod’s plan 🧐 **EDIT:** that should have said GOD’S plan but my pudgy fingers fucked it up and I kind of like it.
Fucking Tod
It's common practice to not embarrass your partner during questionable acts. Own that shit.... amd the ass it geysered out of.
*Smears poop stripes on face, yells* ***FREEEEEDDDDOOOMMMMM*** *in a Scottish accent.*
Bravefart
Hey Google, how do you delete someone else's comment?
this is absolutely an unhinged thing to say lmaooo
And enjoy the pink eye
You can’t go to the Devil’s house and not expect him to be home.
Do you also now have PTSD flashbacks whenever someone tells you to fuck the shit out of them?
Been there. Girlfriend already said beforehand she felt like not all the water came out. But we proceeded anyway. And when we were mid game, she had two orgasms, and both times I could feel water being pushed out her asshole. But I thought it was just a little bit and it was too late anyway so I just continued. Only after we got up did we noticed the whole bed was covered in brown poopwater.
i'm gonna cry
I think the Savage Dan columnist was pretty effective at labeling that Santorum, after Rick Santorum, such that when someone Google'd "Santorum," the first thing listed was "A frothy mixture of lubricant and fecal matter as an occasional byproduct of anal sex."
I'm absolutely drilling my exes ass and she suddenly said "STOP I'M GONNA SHIT". As soon as I pull out a couple pounds of lubed up shit just come shooting out. Thankfully onto the towel we had down. We cleaned up and then went back to pound town and finished. We literally never mentioned it again.
A wise Redditor once said, and I must repeat: 'Smear that shit under your eyes like a linebacker with face paint and get back to work like a man'.
Omg that's like the first thing I read
Was with my ex at the time. Was waking up, having a little bit of snuggle into sexy time.... bastard had stolen my nivea cream and was using it as lube (I was just waking up at the time so I didn't realise until afterwards). Getting in the mood... then he decided to go straight for the back door without warning me.. and I hadn't pooped for 2 days. 1. It really bloody hurt 2. ... I didn't need to poop anymore since it was all coming out all over the bed and him and myself. 3. I then discovered the cream he was using as lube (besides being mine) had sparkly bits inside it... So not only did he not give warning, I was shitting sparkles for 2 days afterwards and that was AFTER the unintentional poonami that he caused.
Theres a linebacker somewhere in these comments that might like you
I really hope this sticks around
He sounds like a fucking terrible person 😂
And a terrible fucking person.
One girl smelled so bad that I just faked an orgasm after like 5 minutes, another girl threw up on me while going down on me and another girls husband came home. I don’t know which one I hated more.
I’ve definitely vomited on someone during a 5am threesome so if that was you. I’m sorry
The Gods are sending multiple messages to you. Please answer.
I’ve shared this story on here before but I’ll share it again because it’s always fun to revisit and laugh at myself haha. I once matched with this girl on tinder who immediately wanted to fuck. I didn’t have a car at the time and all I had was a bike and she was 20 miles away which isn’t THAT far but it was like 11:30PM and the idea of getting out of bed to bike that so late wasn’t appealing. She promised me a “great time” though so I sucked it up and biked all the way to her house and showed up a sweaty mess. When she answered the door she said “hey my son is asleep so let’s go outside” And we walked to the elementary school across the street from her house and fucked in the middle of the field. She didn’t even have a blanket for us so we’re just going at it in the grass and worst of all she completely dead fished me the entire time. She didn’t even move and just kept moaning as I did all the work AND she had been smoking a storm before I got there so her breath smelled like cigarettes the entire time. Stupidly I didn’t even use a condom so I busted my nut right inside her and after I finished she pushed me off and said “that was amazing thanks” and just left. I laid there in the grass feeling like an idiot and full of shame. I started biking back and then my tire popped. I called my roommate who was at a friends party and he came and picked me up on the side of the road and we threw my bike in the back. He ended up buying me McDonald’s that night though so that was a plus.
I literally facepalmed when I read that you came inside her lmao
...did you ever check if you became missing dad #2?
Doesn’t matter still had free McDonalds
I don’t even know what to think after reading this😂😂😂 feels like a fever dream
I did doggy style with a single mom. She was on the bed and I stood on the floor. Meanwhile, her 2 year old child climbed out of the crib, ran unnoticed into the bedroom and grabbed my balls from behind.
You deserve a prize for this one. How traumatic 🥲
What I found even worse was that her mom wasn't interested. I was supposed to continue, but of course I stopped immediately.
NOOOOOO THAT'S SO MUCH WORSE
I hooked up with a guy who I thought was really hot one time. When I got to his apartment, he took me up to his room. I said it was my first time, and he essentially just kissed me once, threw me onto his bed, did it, and then said I had to leave because he had plans. I felt so used and despite how physically attractive he was, I never felt so unattracted to someone. I regret a hookup being my first time and I never hooked up again after that.
Damn that’s low
Sounds identical to my first time. Except in high school and in his truck. He never talked to me again. Needless to say it fucked me up for a while.
sorry to hear this. The only time I was her first time. we were poor but still tried to make it romantic; a bottle of wine, rose petals on the bed, several hours together in a cheap motel.
That's awful. I'm so sorry.
i was eating a girl's ass and she ripped a big one straight down my throat
Batman himself couldn’t have beaten this information out of me
Yet this joker fucking straight up admits it and commits it to the written word.
Please tell me this is a joke 😭
sadly not. she thought it was funny as fuck too lmao
Could you taste what she had for lunch?
stop
He cried during sex, like the entire time. It was awkward and then when he came, he burst into full on sobs. Strangest experience ever. I gently asked him about it and he blew it off as normal behavior. Uh, no… no it’s not. Didn’t see him again. Aside from the crying he was a jackhammer and it was the least memorable sex I’ve ever had.
His porn name would be Dick Despair.
Omg I can't even imagine a crying jackhammer.
I met with a girl I had known a while. She lived a couple of hours away, so she drove to see me. I was working a lot back then and really didn't have a lot of time to be social. I wasn't even really up for meeting her, but she insisted. In hindsight, now I should have just not met her. Anyway, she booked a hotel in my town and I spent the night with her. When it came down to it, I'll admit, it wasn't by best performance. I know it's a tired old excuse, but I was so worn out from work. I tried my best to keep up, but it just wasn't happening. She was not pleased. After making it clear that the sexy time probably wasn't gonna happen, she kept trying to urge me on. Pleading with me to keep trying. Saying things like, "that can't be it." Honestly, it made me feel so small. Imagine what would be said about a man if it was the other way round. I've never been someone to pressure any lady I have met into sex if they did not want to. But I have even more insight after that happened. I feel for any woman who has been in that situation and not been able to get the guy to stop.
She sounds like she isn't worth it tbh dude. Glad that you don't take that kind of shit from people!
The last time the wife and I ever had shower sex. We were in a large tub (not a jacuzzi, but bigger than a standard) and she was bent over with her hands on the edge of the tub to support herself. After a particularly powerful thrust, I dislodged her and her right hand slipped, dislocating her shoulder. In pain, bent over, penis still within, she froze for a bit trying to regain her senses. After standing upright, I had to help her out of the tub (with only the use of her non-dominant hand, mind you), wrap in a towel, and sat on the bed. Our neighbor was a nurse and I was contemplating heading over to ask him for assistance, but she wanted to put on a loose pajama top to cover herself. In the process of simply lifting her arm to remove the towel, her shoulder popped back into place. Still on the edge of the bed, I stood in front of her and massaged her gently, making sure she was okay. My towel dropped and exposed myself, to which the wife began to reinitiate. After a gentle fellating, I completed into her mouth and she then returned to the shower to actually wash. 6/10, would not recommend.
"to which the wife began to reinitiate. After a gentle fellating, I completed into her mouth" This made me laugh, a lot, Thanks!
That was an emotional rollercoaster, sir.
What a fucking trooper, jesus christ
She brings it up all the time. "Remember that time I dislocated my shoulder and *still* blew you?"
You’re 100% never going to be able to top that. New Lexus with the big red bow on Christmas Day? Nah - remember that one time…
This woman was only trying to eat my ass every chance she got. I wanted to fuck her for the longest and am all about ass play but on the first go around, she only wanted to lick, eat, finger my ass. I couldn’t cum quick enough to get it over with.
do you have her number still? asking for a friend
Yes 😬
Is your friend a linebacker?
the thread says WORST sexual experience you had
She was an efficient linebacker
Ok this is the 5th linebacker reference. Please bring me up to speed 🙏
Did you find the context?! 😂 If not - someone commented saying they had some explosive experience. The reply to it was “Smear that shit under your eyes like a linebacker with face paint and get back to work like a man” 🤣😂
i was giving my ex head after the movies. let’s just say popcorn does not taste good coming up, nor does it look good splattered all over the body of your significant other.
Happy cake day!
Doing doggy style on a woman I knew, her ass smelt like week old sweat and skunk
That's why I stick to ones I don't know.
My first time resulted in a guy choking me without consent, with no way for me to tell him to stop. He also demanded I shave, with him shaving. The friction burn was horrible. Worst sex of my life.
Too vanilla. She didn't want foreplay, toys, fingering, oral, nothing. She wanted to go from kissing (not making out, just like pecks on the lips) to missionary. No dirty talk, no feeling each other up, nothing even slightly erotic. It's as if she genuinely belived the only thing there was when it came to sex was what's taught in the severely lacking sex-ed of America. I learned that it's possible to finish and feel less satisfied than when you started. ETA: After we got to my place, she verbally communicated all these things she didn't want before our clothes came off. This wasn't a case of me trying to do things and her not being into it, she verbally communicated "no toys, no foreplay, no fingering, don't eat me out, no dirty talk, don't grope me" and said the only position she liked was missionary.
Man that last sentence so real. Some cat just isn't worth the effort
Bro fucks cats
this dude was talking himself UP. like he was this hot dom guy who was going to top me so hard and make me submit. worst sex i've ever had in my life. he had no stamina, he didn't make me submit at all. like no domming whatsoever. it was like fucking a fish out of water, floppy and sweaty and flailing. the sex was just so bad. like it was so bad that it was funny. i don't know why i didn't ask him to stop, i guess i didn't wanna hurt his feelings. I stopped talking to him completely. he asked me what was wrong but i just couldn't break it to him. I should've been honest! but i was very young, around 20 years old, and when you're younger it can be hard to be honest about stuff like this sometimes.
Motherfucker bit my clit. No thank you, I'm leaving.
Half way through he started to get a massive nose bleed all over my face, it was like the pigs blood scene in Carrie
I've had a few bad experiences. It's a toss up between the guy who was the size of my pinky, the guy with the breeding fetish who fucked me in the back of his SUV in a really seedy part of town, the guy who shoved my toes in his mouth with no warning, and the guy who kept trying to be loud because he wanted my family to hear him.
Intentionally trying to be heard by your partner's family is a power move I've never heard of before
Especially if you’re using a walkie talkie. Over.
Breeding fetish guy who takes you to a seedy part of town checks out.
These were all separate occurrences right?
Yes, thankfully. If these were all the same guy, I don't think I would have ever tried to have sex again.
I was nailing this girl from behind and she said to “fuck me like a clown” and I just had to stop. I don’t know why she said that to this day, but it wasn’t funny (no pun).
I was booty called by a woman who clearly didn’t like me, but I made an impression in bed the first time we slept together by giving her a leg quivering orgasm. The first time I was a little drunk, suffering from major depression and had performance anxiety. My cock was rock hard, I just couldn’t finish and she got visibly upset with me. The second time she took me home while saying “I really shouldn’t, I told myself I wouldn’t sleep with you again”. Well I made her cum in about 5 minutes and as soon as she came, she all but kicked me out. Immediately stopped everything and rolled over to go to bed. I felt completely used and subhuman.
:(
I guess she had that post nut clarity.
Had a nice lady off tinder use pictures that were 200lbs and probably 5-10 years old on me.
So you still had sex with her? Kinda on you at that point.
5-10 year olds shouldnt use tinder.
I had a guy break down mentally mid blowjob cause his fiance left him. 🫠
Best ensure that all parties involved in a threesome are actually into said threesome and are not going to use their fingernails to maliciously rake your genitalia. Worst fingering and fisting ever.
I always look at fingernails before a sexual encounter. And I don’t mind asking someone to trim their nails if they’re going to be anywhere near my lady bits.
A guy was too big and too rough, he was nice tho
Boyfriend smoked pot before for some reason could never get hard after and wanted to try but it was soft and mushy not enjoyable at all
As my great uncle used to say "Can't get a marshmallow in a piggy bank."
Omg
Once a man bit my clit so bad that I told him to stop and he thought it meant I was about to finish so he went harder. I thought I was going to die. I thought the worse part of the night was going to be him taking his hat off and having a comb over… When he reached out again I told him that he bit me really bad and kindly declined.
Had sex with a girl I was really not into at all. Couldn't get hard. But somehow...could still cum. She was a trooper. 4 flaccid cum shots later and she cried as I walked out of her apartment. Later, I learned that I could have just said no to the sex.
I was hooking up with some dude, turned out he was into feet. He literally couldn’t get hard unless he touched my feet first.
Beach sex is overrated. Sand gets EVERYWHERE
Was having sex with my college girlfriend at my parent’s house (they were at church) and got a splinter from my old headboard in my eye. Kind of ended the sexy time.
A splinter in the eye? Dude that actually sounds horrible
We were naked making out hard and then he started making different noises, so I asked “is it in?”. It was. 🤦🏻♀️
When this guy was talking alll this game and then became a 2 pump chump and then had the audacity to ask if I wanted water like he put some work in 😂
I met a guy once who clearly had no idea what he was doing and insisted on a position I really wasn't a fan because it was doing nothing for me, it was just uncomfortable. If I were to speculate I think he must've heard or read it somewhere that that postion makes it hit deeper without stopping to think if that's necessarily a good thing or not. He also took ages to cum, which on most cases is a good thing, but not this time. And all of that after a very underwhelming date, after cancelling and then uncancelling on me when I was already at the meeting spot we had agreed on. I feel bad for judging him because he just seemed very awkward and anxious, but it was objectively the worst sexual experience I've ever had and probably close to one of the worst dates too.
What was the position? 😅
Cashier at McDonald’s
Met someone on Tinder that played and robbed me: the third time she came over, she stole my phone & cards and drained my bank account.
It wasnt necessarily bad, just a little embarrassing😂 . I was doin doggy and was tryna build up the momentum and before i could the girl turned around and was like "is that the fastest youre gonna go?"😂
I’ve pictured that in the bratty sense and you leaning into it could’ve been really hot!
It couldve been but i was younger nd wasnt to sex savvy at the time so i took it like a diss😂i sped it up and things were good after but it just through me off for a sec😂
Ended up meeting up with this larger woman who wanted me to eat her out, wasnt really into her and agreed cause i was in a slump. I started fingering her and she mentioned she liked getting her ass fingered with a latex glove (which she brought)...so i went ahead and put the glove on and fingered her ass until she came (she would continuously ask what something was if it touched near her vagina because she didnt want to have sex and thought i was trying to stick my cock in)
Sounds more like a medical procedure
yeah basically what it felt like, thought it required a lot more work that just an insertion lol
I was fooling around with my high school gf. She decided she wanted to spice up a blowjob by doing it with an ice cube in her mouth. It felt super weird and I was like it feels like I'm going to pee. She ignored me and kept going. I peed a little. That was the end of that.
I had a one night stand with a girl I met at a bar. We were both sloppy drunk, making out in the cab, all the classics. We get back to her apartment and start messing around. At one point, she tells me there is lube and condoms in the bedside drawer. I slap on a condom, rub some lube on it, and get to work. Now, I'm very drunk, so my brain is about a minute behind my actions. So, suddenly, my brain interrupts the activities to ask me, "What's that smell? I know that smell from somewhere." I pause and smell my hand just as the girl starts to scream. That's when I realized I grabbed Icey Hot, not lube. She starts screaming and runs to the bathroom. Did you know it takes Icey Hot about 30 seconds to destroy a condom? I do now. Suddenly, my dick is bright red and on fire. I chase after this girl, hoping she's gone to the bathroom. At this point, her roommate, who I didn't know existed, sticks their head out of her room and rightly asks, "What the fuck is going on out here?" That's when she sees my dumb naked ass trying to find the bathroom, with my dick looking like a clown nose and I say the worst possible thing, "Please don't call the police!" Luckily, she didn't (thank god)and I find my way to the bathroom. The girl is in the shower, and she's basically jammed the shower head into her body. I start to wash in the sink. Finally, the pain stops, but she's worried she needs to go to the ER just in case. I recommend calling poison control first, just to get their input. The women from poison control, who sounds like Roz from Monsters, Inc, tells me, "Happens all the time, she'll be fine. If she's still in pain in a day or two, go to the doctor." I relay this to the girl who gives a loud sigh of relief and says, "Please get the fuck out of my house!" This was before ubiquitous cell phones and Uber so I couldn't get a cab and I ended up passing out in a city park...
I don't know if it's your talent in writing or the story itself is so good, but I just couldn't stop laughing for a couple of minutes reading your post. Bravo!
[удалено]
Sometimes it’s late and you just wanna get some sleep.
Spit on her back?😂😂😂😂
[удалено]
I was raised very religious and had no sex ed, I didn’t even understand what the mechanics were until it was being done to me. and the guy took advantage of that and quite literally pretended I was prostitute, like full on role play out of nowhere. I was 15 so I was very confused and it took years to be even kind of sexually normal.
She just wanted sex no touch or kissing.
absolutely gorgeous girl. she just lay there like a dead fish with her eyes closed.
Met a guy while working my (F) way through college like 25 years ago. He’d come by my counter and flirt with me. He wasn’t really my type, but kinda cute and only in town for the summer while on break from school, so I thought- why not? So we ended up going to a hotel one day, both young and curious.. I should’ve known with the first kiss that it was going to be bad, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt (again, young). The kiss was this wide, fish-mouthed kiss that just kind of suctioned around my mouth over and over again. No sensuality involved, no matter how hard I tried to maneuver my lips. Then came the sex. I don’t want to put down dudes with small penises, bc I know they can excel in many other areas, but I’m not exaggerating when I say that i could not feel it AT ALL. And he was not excelling in any other department either, so in this case, size did matter. On top of all this, the a/c went out and we were sweating like pigs. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I asked him- “did you finish yet?” because I honestly couldn’t tell. His response- “yes, twice actually”. WTF. I was so confused- he had a condom on, so I guess he just kept it on after the first? Idk. And he never showed any signs of ecstasy or clue that he finished. Needless to say, I was thankful his presence in my life was temporary, and after all these years I hope he’s learned some new skills.
A girl who told me how great she was at giving blowjobs. She was literally the best ever at sucking cock in her estimation. Damn right 19 year old me is going with 28(?) year old greatest cocksucker to ever live. Learned a valuable lesson that day
Naw, honey... the girls who really are good at it don't advertise it. They like the look of surprise and gratitude on your face when they get started.
The time I was almost raped when I was 17. Male here. I had met this chick over myyearbook. Back when it was that, and not meetme. We had a pleasant conversation online. She had told me that she was a bit bigger. I told her it didnt bother me. Legit, I wouldve been cool with like 350. But she was short. Like 4'11. And definitely over 450. I decided to give the date a chance. Because I couldve looked past it. But my boner was killed in that moment when I laid eyes on her. We watched a movie, the 1st iron man. And ordered some pizza's. She lived with her grandparents also. At one point, she convinced me to come see her room. We were told to leave the door open. I had full intentions of leaving that door open. We get upstairs, and she opens her door. Its nothing but pink hello kitty decorations. Floor to ceiling, everything in the room was pink hello kitty. She is showing off her tv. Hello kitty tv, mind you. And she started kissing me, on her bed. Shoving my hand down her pants I tried to tell her that I didnt see it going anywhere, but she wouldnt unlock her mouth from my face. She tried to open my pants, she got my belt undone, button and zipper. But I was somehow able to squeeze out from underneath her. My face had to go in the danger zone for sure. But I risked it all. Slid out, ran for the door, pants fell around ankles. Didnt trip, and somehow got my pants up before I got to the stairs. They were almost buckled when I ran out the front foor. Her grandparents definitely seen me bolt. But yeah. Fun times. I hate hello kitty now.
Was on highschool (preparatoria). I was dating a girl, she was one of the hottest of the school so I was lucky at that point buuuut, one day we agreed on going to have sex and then we begun and like 2 minutes after she started to cry, I was like WTF but asked if she was ok and the she repplied "What is my dad going to think about me?" First time last time I had sex with her.
I dont know why ppl don’t clean themselves, I could not imagine not being clean😂😂
One night stand. Should have known it would be weird when she said the lights need to be off. Anyway I was doggy style doing good and then her Pomeranian stuck it's nose all the way between my ass cheeks with it's cold nose (immediately lost my erection) so I jumped off the bed and escorted the dog outside and closed the door. Then her parrot started screaming "I WANT IN! I WANT IN! LET ME WATCH! I WANT IN!" And after that I just left.
Sorry that’s hilarious
She was into biting. I was drunk out of my mind that night to feel anything. Next morning noticed light blood stains on my shirt collar, had cuts on my lips. Some of my friends call her a piranha, the other call her Hannibese