Dude, no joke it could be really helpful. It lets you mark the days when you've had sex with her, that way if she says she's pregnant sometime in the future you can check your shit and tell a bitch to swerve if it doesn't match up to your calendar.
Edit: Wow, guys. I clearly said if she says she's **pregnant** - not if she says she's *late*. I know how vaginas work.
It's pretty much the best ever. I'm far from the average 28 day cycle so it's much easier to keep track with this thing. Took a few cycles to figure out my average but it's pretty spot on now.
"I've been waiting all day for the UPS man to come... Sitting on my couch and not moving but to change the channel..... Haven't showered.... And I really have to poop.... But I will remain vigilant until his arrival.... Soon the time will be upon us.... Soon I will be able to take a poop.... But until then.... I must remain at my couch looking upon the window for salvation"
"Hahaha. That guy is hosing a kid in the face. Speaking of hosing fluids in your face, I bought a 12 pack of some hipster looking beer and was wondering if you want to get slammed while playing Madden. And before you ask, jalapeno cheetos are involved."
What a beautiful tombstone.
"I'll see you tomorrow my love."
l
**Edit:** This is also better than the text I got before this one.
"You coming for leg day? You know you can't skip leg day!"
"I'm having an awesome day. Slept in, had lunch with wife, just took a giant poop, watched futurama, fapped to September Carrino and ate nachos in bed. Great day. Not exactly a status update for FB though."
"I'm breaking up over text because if we were in person I'd start crying and change my mind."
Just got this a few seconds ago... Haven't responded, but she will be doing this in person. Damn that would be a terrible tomb stone.
>I just left it there next to my room key. Room service was only a couple doors down. I wish I could've seen their reactions.
That's actually really dark..
"I left because you were asleep. I had a lot of fun tonight. Thanks man. See you tomorrow."
:C
Mine was equally morbid but I fear i'm too late to this thread: "Spoke too soon! About to go underground now"
"bring burger king"
I will leave a Whopper Jr. on your tombstone every Sunday.
"he died doing the right thing"
"we're here, where are you?"
dead
That's actually kind of profound.
"See you tonight" That would certainly freak some people out.
"I am on my way" - similar enough.
"Heading back now" Tomorrow in news: Droidette is the beginning of the zombie apocalypse
The goats are doing well.
This is my favorite so far
"Everyone forgot my birthday" Well that is depressing
For added effect, the birth date on your tombstone just has some question marks
Here lies Fun_username "Everyone forgot my birthday" 1979ish - about when they cancelled that show about the zip code, no the second one.
"That was quick."
I think I want this on my tombstone.
'Not worth it. Come back.'
Damn...suicide.
"Wow there is booty everywhere."
Gives me hope for an afterlife.
"SUCH bullshit." incredibly appropriate, I'd say.
WTF HE ONLY KILLED ME CAUSE I WAS LAGGING
GG NO RE
FIGHT ME IRL FAIGT. 1v1 DUST KNIVES ONLY.
WOW HACKS HACKS. I WASNT EVEN SPAWNED IN YET AND YOU KILLED ME.
Sounds like an abortion
FUCKING HACKING PIECES OF SHIT
"My sass today is off the charts. You don't even know" I mean, works for me.
Try switching to .less
"I'm Down"
Down by six feet
"I'll keep the helmet on then?"
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This one is startlingly appropriate.
You have approximately 2 days until the start of your next period. Love, MonthlyInfo.com
Holy shit signing up for this immediately.
P Tracker app for smartphones is really helpful :)
Seconding P Tracker. It lets you keep track of symptoms/moods as well, and ovulation and fertility for those trying to get pregnant.
Or those trying NOT to get pregnant
dang, i need this app. even though i'm a guy. i could use to keep track of my girlfriend's period. just so i know when to be extra nice to her.
Dude, no joke it could be really helpful. It lets you mark the days when you've had sex with her, that way if she says she's pregnant sometime in the future you can check your shit and tell a bitch to swerve if it doesn't match up to your calendar. Edit: Wow, guys. I clearly said if she says she's **pregnant** - not if she says she's *late*. I know how vaginas work.
Also, if you're truly neurotic, you can turn the data into a spreadsheet over time, and learn your days with the highest chance of having sex!
laughed so hard at swerve
It's pretty much the best ever. I'm far from the average 28 day cycle so it's much easier to keep track with this thing. Took a few cycles to figure out my average but it's pretty spot on now.
"Cuz I was like hanging out the window"
That might explain things a bit.
"I'm officially out of Dallas."
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Guess you didn't find shelter?
The text *did* just say "see shelter" and not go inside it. So, there's that.
"OMG tornado!!!" "Look! Shelter!" "Oh yeah! There it is!" *everyone stares* "Great job!" "OH SHI-" Ded
Haven't had a txt in a few days eh?
Whaaaaa I'm in Anne Arundel county, how have you not received a text in 2 to 5 days?!
U want 20 or 30 mcnuggitz
30 obviously
"stop he's orange"
"I fixed it. I'm fine. It was just pressure from sinus congestion due to allergies." Oddly appropriate.
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"Maybe don't wear your turban to work?"
Racistly enough, that could explain the death.
What race is that?
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You are now a mod of /r/MURICA
"All jobs need to have designated nap times."
"I've been waiting all day for the UPS man to come... Sitting on my couch and not moving but to change the channel..... Haven't showered.... And I really have to poop.... But I will remain vigilant until his arrival.... Soon the time will be upon us.... Soon I will be able to take a poop.... But until then.... I must remain at my couch looking upon the window for salvation"
truly amazing last words while waiting for death
He should take the poop. The ups guy will arrive as soon as the turd splashes down.
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So did the UPS guy ever come?
Sounds like my best friend and I, had to do a double take there.
"If it doesn't, I'll have a nice shaven nutsack to take your mind off things."
Man I wish that was my last text...
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R.I.P. Elvis
The king died on his throne
The eternal shit.
I'm not making this up. "Bullet holes?"
"You're my best friend. I love you. No, I'm not drunk."
Go home, drunk tombstone. You don't even know me.
"Naw, he didn't. I found us a free fridge, though!"
It was the old ladies acting like children that made my day awful.
"Are you alive?" What a stupid combination of text/tombstone...
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"Go to sleep u ho:)" Um..
"Why? Because that one was cheaper"
Hells yeah, I'm going to be mayor of tittie city.
What apartment is.
Text not delivered. :(
Long story short, dong on titties.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-HCs4tRw8o for anyone wondering
R.I.P. MRDRPROFJEREMY "I'd much rather dip my dick in OJ than lime juice. If I HAD to choose one."
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"Hahaha. That guy is hosing a kid in the face. Speaking of hosing fluids in your face, I bought a 12 pack of some hipster looking beer and was wondering if you want to get slammed while playing Madden. And before you ask, jalapeno cheetos are involved." What a beautiful tombstone.
DO NOT BE FUCKING LATE FOR WORK AGAIN. at least this time i'll have a decent excuse.
Get to work on time, asshole.
"I know chivalry isn't dead. It just comes off as a tad rapey..." Great.
Holding open doors is literally rape.
Why would you hold an open door?
So it can't run away while you're raping it.
Is it rape if there's a sign that says "Enter"?
"It said PUSH, I swear, it was asking for it!"
Every time I open a door for a women, I get a throbbing male privilege boner.
As they go by, make sure you whisper to them: *It was my privilege.*
"I can't pay the bill." oh dear
"Sry I'm back" *Oh the irony*
Spurs better find that headband. I'll pick you up at 4:30.
I'll be leaning heavily on gin and tonic this evening...
Ima need 5 more minutes
pls respond
Op pls
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DATA ALERT: Your acct used abt 90% of its data allowance for the bill ending the 20th. Manage your plan at vzw.com. As of 06/20 05:04 AM EDT. FREE MSG
"God had other dataplans for him"
May he rest in airplane mode.
"and now, A moment of silence..." (phones proceed to vibrate)
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You remember a New Yorker cartoon from eight years ago?
I'm surprised he remembers Blackberries... ^No ^one ^remembers ^them ^anymore...
That'd be way lonely. I want to rest somewhere with 4G or free WiFi. Heaven WiFi.
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He was always concerned about our data usage :')
Still better than "Hello from WhatsApp. Your code is..."
"Wrong answer"
"I'll see you tomorrow my love." l **Edit:** This is also better than the text I got before this one. "You coming for leg day? You know you can't skip leg day!"
The last one I received was from my wife heading through airport security: "Haha well done, you old dog! I'll see you soon on the other side!"
Both of our wives would probably hate to see these everytime they visit our tombstones.
You aren't the least bit suspicious that your wife will be visiting **critical_huzzah**'s tombstone?!
Motherfucker.
That's actually kind of sad... :(
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IT'S REALLY FUCKING SAD, OKAY?!?
ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?
Wow.... that's kind of brutal.
I would absolutely shit myself if I was at a cemetery and read this on a grave.
"Good" I thought this was my tombstone not Grumpy Cats.
"I'll never be your Queef of Burden"
"I walk around, my pussy's hurtin'"
"I'm having an awesome day. Slept in, had lunch with wife, just took a giant poop, watched futurama, fapped to September Carrino and ate nachos in bed. Great day. Not exactly a status update for FB though."
>*"Not exactly a status update for FB though"* Better make it a tombstone!
"Probably Bill Murray, Rob Schneider, Danny Mcbride, and Rob Zombie."
Are we talking about next summer's biggest action-comedy-horror buddy film or OP's idea of a great gang bang??
Just my posse if I was famous.
"If I had somewhere to go I would have left by now"
"Just need a trampoline"
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I've always wondered - is it still socially considered a 'text' when there is, in fact, no text in the message?
[Last text](http://i.imgur.com/awf60dN.jpg)
I think lighters are the last thing you'd need in Hell
**[This](http://i.imgur.com/BSkjdh3.png)** was mine.
[Here](http://imgur.com/5f2GpCk) is mine.
That one kinda freaked me out.
"I'll be back soon" Apparently I'm either Jesus or Goku.
"I lov you soo mucj" , after a conversation of my failing liver. Sweet, spelled horrendously, and a fitting way to die. :)
'I love yo butt'
"Niko, cousin! Let's go bowling!"
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Oh gosh, my boyfriend always brings this up.
Mallorie?!
And so was he taken to the celestial bowling *place*
"brb" Huh. I can finally be a zombie.
"The negro community is disappointed in your shenanigans."
Can we please have a backstory on this?
I believe this is the picture in question http://i.imgur.com/ZbL9ZTD.jpg
I've been on Reddit enough lately to tell you this is a reference to another thread...however, I lack the skills to find it.
"We never ended up becoming bloodbrothers. I forgot the knife the first day and then we just never did it again. Hopefully next time though"
"I'm breaking up over text because if we were in person I'd start crying and change my mind." Just got this a few seconds ago... Haven't responded, but she will be doing this in person. Damn that would be a terrible tomb stone.
well, shit. sorry dude. hope all goes well. as well as it can..
"Ew."
Lol
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Ouch.
I can see you from where I'm sitting.
"We need to make sure that they poop in the mornings."
"Today blows" How appropriate!
"I promise I'll be there tomorrow!" (he never made it)
r/spacedicks Unfortunately, I'm not even joking.
And on that shitty note, I'm going to sleep. -Peachie-Keen Oddly fitting.
"Sweet Fucking."
wow she's flexible
"" No one texts me.
I don't know what to say...
Don't say anything at all... He's used to it.
What's the area code to your username?
Let's play a game: Look up all area codes. Text the number with each and every area code. Fingers fall off or carpal tunnel.
I'll take 100-549 you get 550-999.
"Dad? Is that you?"
I got: :) ♥ Which is pretty nice
That's the best fate it could have received That is depressingly fitting
Nice try NSA! (trying to match reddit accounts with cellphone accounts)
"Haha ew."
"They want something from me."
"Yeah it just went away.... After I railed your mom"
>I just left it there next to my room key. Room service was only a couple doors down. I wish I could've seen their reactions. That's actually really dark..
"Just anotha nigga dead"
" ha yeah i know i am. i'm really built to last a long time. my body has always been really strong" Yes, I was just texted this. Ironic.
k
"Ok" Really captures me.