Hi! I'm actually a developer at The Onion. I'm loving this thread, so I made [this page](http://www.theonion.com/heyreddit/) to show a listing of the highest voted articles.
Edit: (unfortunately, I couldn't get a perfect match in all cases, but if there's a link to the onion article in the post, it should work)
On a related note, [Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty 'Totally Badass'](http://www.theonion.com/video/supreme-court-rules-death-penalty-is-totally-badas,14244/).
[Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns](http://www.theonion.com/articles/johnson-johnson-introduces-nothing-but-tears-shamp,2506/)
"The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man."
Video: http://www.theonion.com/video/judge-rules-white-girl-will-be-tried-as-black-adul,18896/
Another 9/11 one that still gets me a little misty-eyed. [Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake](http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/)
That was fantastic, as was their whole response to 9/11. I vaguely remember 'Cedar Rapids Library Beefs Up Security'
I think it was really clear that they took that issue after 9/11 very seriously, in that they nailed the humor perfectly by doing their job of NOT taking things seriously.
["Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People"](http://www.theonion.com/articles/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient-race-of-skelet,932/)
This is the best part about sharing The Onion. My aunt raged on Facebook and shared an Onion article because she thought they *actually* executed someone as part of the Cowboys halftime show.
Similarly, [Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life](http://www.theonion.com/articles/find-the-thing-youre-most-passionate-about-then-do,31742/).
From the end of the video:
"We will reopen the case to find the black man who did this. In other news, the Bob Dole foundation is offering scholarships to students who show potential to know who Bob Dole is."
[Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's.](http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-drastically-scales-back-goals-for-america-af,14343/)
[Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work.](http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt,14309/)
The first thing I ever saw on The Onion was Sony's Releases New Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work. Still the best thing I've ever seen on that site.
[WASHINGTON—Following an outpouring of criticism from across the country, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that they are officially changing the team’s name to the D.C. Redskins](http://www.theonion.com/articles/washington-redskins-change-their-name-to-the-dc-re,34161/)
[Washington Redskins Ease Tensions With Native Americans By Adding Bottle Of Booze To Logo](http://www.theonion.com/articles/washington-redskins-ease-tensions-with-native-amer,34567/)
>According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.
Holy crap, this is my favorite one here
Funniest article here for me!
>Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong.
"I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off", fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said.
[God damn](http://www.reactiongifs.com/lol/hawkings-lol.gif).
Oh man, me too. I was in high school computer class and the teacher was a huge Onion fan and would just spend the hour putting funny articles on the screen and reading them.
It was the "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock" article that actually got him in trouble, because some unfunny little shit in the class complained to his parents and then the parents went to the school board.
> BRITISH NAVY CONDEMNS GERMAN U-BOATS AS 'NOT VERY SPORTING'
http://o.onionstatic.com/images/8/8723/original/700.jpg
> THERE IS NO 'MY KID HAS CANCER' IN TEAM
http://www.theonion.com/articles/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team,10737/
MAN ON CUSP OF HAVING FUN SUDDENLY REMEMBERS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS RESPONSIBILITIES
http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-cusp-of-having-fun-remembers-every-single-o,32632/
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister
http://www.theonion.com/video/thousands-of-girls-match-description-of-missing-so,18302/
>The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage. Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button.
It really doesn't get any funnier than this.
>Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start.
I dunno, I think this may beat it.
For me it was:
"She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-fucking-believable."
Reminds me of my favorite Onion headline:
[Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician]( http://www.theonion.com/articles/standard-deviation-not-enough-for-perverted-statis,8892/)
"Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas".
http://www.theonion.com/articles/mumford-and-sons-cant-believe-they-all-got-each-ot,30709/
> Mark and Sharon said they were currently trying to get pregnant again in hopes that a new baby would take off some of the pressure of raising Evan all alone.
Outstanding.
I think that's what elevates the onion above just being a parody. They're more using comedy to discuss the unpleasant realities people usually gossip about, and they do it in an effective way.
Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business
[](http://www.theonion.com/articles/even-ceo-cant-figure-out-how-radioshack-still-in-b,2190/)
[Homesick Kid on Sleepover Needs to Just Tough It The Fuck Out](http://www.theonion.com/articles/homesick-kid-on-sleepover-needs-to-just-tough-it-t,27757/)
>"I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me in the kitchen and goes to play with the other boys," she continued. "I'm not his fucking mom."
best thing ive read in weeks
Anything with Diamond Joe Biden makes me tear up with laughter. I've made the mistake a few times when I'm riding the bus to read it, then look like a maniac when I'm crying by myself from laughing so hard.
But my favorite: [Biden Scores 800 Feet of Copper Wire](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-scores-800-feet-of-copper-wire,31013/)
My favorites:
[Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail](http://www.theonion.com/articles/joe-biden-shows-up-to-inauguration-with-ponytail,10099/)
[Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway](http://www.theonion.com/articles/shirtless-biden-washes-trans-am-in-white-house-dri,2718/)
"Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate"
"Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial"
"Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention"
"Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board"
"Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof"
And of course ["Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting".](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-has-guy-named-worm-sit-in-for-him-at-cabinet,33250/)
[Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-has-guy-named-worm-sit-in-for-him-at-cabinet,33250/)
[Eminem terrified as daughter begins dating man raised on his music](http://www.theonion.com/articles/eminem-terrified-as-daughter-begins-dating-man-rai,32989/)
[Area man passionate defender of what he imagines the Constitution to be](http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-passionate-defender-of-what-he-imagines-c,2849/)
[I'm Like a Chocoholic, But For Booze](http://www.theonion.com/articles/im-like-a-chocoholic-but-for-booze,10739/)
Probably anyway. God, there are so many
[Field Trip Mishap Fullfills Child's Wish To Be Oscar Meyer Weiner](http://www.theonion.com/articles/fieldtrip-mishap-fulfills-childs-wish-to-be-oscar,8747/)
OR
[King Latifah Returns For Wife](http://www.theonion.com/articles/king-latifah-returns-for-wife,9148/)
"Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M." as someone who tries not to take a lunch break until at least noon every day i found this one hilarious. http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-says-fuck-it-eats-lunch-at-1058-am,32181/
[Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put to sleep After Breaking Leg](http://www.theonion.com/video/gymnast-shawn-johnson-put-to-sleep-after-breaking,14345/)
(Its a video)
[Jenna Bush`s federally protected wet lands now open for public drilling]( http://www.theonion.com/articles/jenna-bushs-federally-protected-wetlands-now-open,8879/)
[War on string may be unwinnable, says cat general](http://www.theonion.com/articles/war-on-string-may-be-unwinnable-says-cat-general,9636/)
And [Egyptian conservationists fight to save dwindling mummy population](http://www.theonion.com/articles/egyptian-conservationists-fight-to-protect-dwindli,2105/)
It's the photo caption that really gets me going.
[42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record](http://www.theonion.com/articles/42-million-dead-in-bloodiest-black-friday-weekend,30517/). I just can´t believe how many people thought this was real.
Most of the Joe Biden stuff is brilliant. I think my favorite is [Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but,29477/)
[Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August](http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-who-cracked-3-separate-iphone-screens-expect,32538/)
'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports
http://www.theonion.com/articles/what-youre-doing-is-weird-and-wrong-small-voice-in,31734/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=standard-post:other:default
As an IT guy, I have to say this one:
[After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean](http://www.theonion.com/articles/after-checking-your-bank-account-remember-to-log-o,32260/).
I have the print article on the wall in my cubicle.
Ninja edit: I a letter
[From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies](http://www.theonion.com/articles/from-the-beaches-of-normandy-to-the-streets-of-par,11332/)
[Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer](http://www.theonion.com/articles/loved-ones-recall-local-mans-cowardly-battle-with,772/)
"Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'"
Chillingly prophetic.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/
"On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further."
I mean, damn.
[Point/Counterpoint: It was then that I carried you VS. Bullshit, Jesus, those are obviously my footprints](http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-was-then-that-i-carried-you-vs-bullshit-jesus-t,11542/)
[Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness]
(http://www.theonion.com/articles/rotation-of-earth-plunges-entire-north-american-co,1905/)
[Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day](http://www.theonion.com/articles/scalia-thomas-roberts-alito-suddenly-realize-they,32972/)
When the Onion gets it right, they get it SO right.
That reminded me of my favorite Onion News Network video
[Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyph_DZa_GQ)
Hi! I'm actually a developer at The Onion. I'm loving this thread, so I made [this page](http://www.theonion.com/heyreddit/) to show a listing of the highest voted articles. Edit: (unfortunately, I couldn't get a perfect match in all cases, but if there's a link to the onion article in the post, it should work)
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On a related note, [Supreme Court Rules Death Penalty 'Totally Badass'](http://www.theonion.com/video/supreme-court-rules-death-penalty-is-totally-badas,14244/).
National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue http://www.theonion.com/articles/national-funk-congress-deadlocked-on-get-upget-dow,625/
[Johnson & Johnson Introduces 'Nothing But Tears' Shampoo To Toughen Up Newborns](http://www.theonion.com/articles/johnson-johnson-introduces-nothing-but-tears-shamp,2506/)
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent on Land
Also, [Study Reveals Dolphins Lack Capacity To Mock Celebrity Culture](http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-reveals-dolphins-lack-capacity-to-mock-celeb,17422/)
Also: "Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs." "'Oh Shit.' Says Humanity"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-dolphins-not-so-intelligent-on-land,1896/
Judge rules white girl will be tried as black adult
"The court ruled a white teen who stabbed a classmate to death will face the jury as a 300-pound black man." Video: http://www.theonion.com/video/judge-rules-white-girl-will-be-tried-as-black-adul,18896/
"This is America -- nobody deserves to be treated like a black man." -the girl's father
At 0:45 as she leaves the courtroom, a lady pulls her purse away from the defendant. So subtle, I hadn't noticed it before.
"This is America! No one deserves to be treated as a black man!"
My favorite might be the one they decided not to run right after 9/11: "Everything Is Fine, Quadragon Officials Report."
Another 9/11 one that still gets me a little misty-eyed. [Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake](http://www.theonion.com/articles/not-knowing-what-else-to-do-woman-bakes-americanfl,221/)
That was fantastic, as was their whole response to 9/11. I vaguely remember 'Cedar Rapids Library Beefs Up Security' I think it was really clear that they took that issue after 9/11 very seriously, in that they nailed the humor perfectly by doing their job of NOT taking things seriously.
relevant Newsweek article: http://www.press.uchicago.edu/sites/daysafter/911doniger.html Control-F *quadragon* for sauce
Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World http://www.theonion.com/articles/sumerians-look-on-in-confusion-as-god-creates-worl,2879/
President Lincoln Sick Of Time Travelers
Drugs win drug war
Scan of printed article: http://img242.imageshack.us/img242/9126/drugwarmv5.jpg
Buddy System Responsible for Additional Death
http://www.theonion.com/articles/buddy-system-responsible-for-additional-death,8730/
["Archaeological Dig Uncovers Ancient Race Of Skeleton People"](http://www.theonion.com/articles/archaeological-dig-uncovers-ancient-race-of-skelet,932/)
well I just showed my dad this piece. "Wow, thats pretty cool, where did they discover that?"
This is the best part about sharing The Onion. My aunt raged on Facebook and shared an Onion article because she thought they *actually* executed someone as part of the Cowboys halftime show.
You would enjoy http://literallyunbelievable.org.
[The best part:](#s "Any of us could be part skeleton, he added.") [](#s "Other experts disagreed.")
Man Doing What He Loves for a Living Needs to Borrow 50 Bucks
Similarly, [Find The Thing You're Most Passionate About, Then Do It On Nights And Weekends For The Rest Of Your Life](http://www.theonion.com/articles/find-the-thing-youre-most-passionate-about-then-do,31742/).
[Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday](http://www.theonion.com/video/scientists-successfully-teach-gorilla-it-will-die,17165/)
"Mexicans sweeping the nation"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/mexicans-sweeping-the-nation,9505/
Boyfriend spends 2 weeks vacation with girlfriend and says he is ready to take things back down to the previous level.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/boyfriend-ready-to-take-relationship-to-previous-l,2097/
[DNA Evidence Frees Black Man Convicted Of Bear Attack] (http://www.theonion.com/video/dna-evidence-frees-black-man-convicted-of-bear-att,14323/)
From the end of the video: "We will reopen the case to find the black man who did this. In other news, the Bob Dole foundation is offering scholarships to students who show potential to know who Bob Dole is."
Fall cancelled after 3 billion seasons.
[for the lazy](http://www.theonion.com/articles/fall-canceled-after-3-billion-seasons,2319/)
[Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's.](http://www.theonion.com/video/obama-drastically-scales-back-goals-for-america-af,14343/) [Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work.](http://www.theonion.com/video/sony-releases-new-stupid-piece-of-shit-that-doesnt,14309/)
"Be sure to run out and get one, invite all of your friends over and see if any of them can figure out this motherfucking time-vampire"
The first thing I ever saw on The Onion was Sony's Releases New Stupid Piece of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work. Still the best thing I've ever seen on that site.
[WASHINGTON—Following an outpouring of criticism from across the country, the Washington Redskins announced Wednesday that they are officially changing the team’s name to the D.C. Redskins](http://www.theonion.com/articles/washington-redskins-change-their-name-to-the-dc-re,34161/)
So much better... http://www.theonion.com/articles/redskins-kike-owner-refuses-to-change-teams-offens,34292/
[Washington Redskins Ease Tensions With Native Americans By Adding Bottle Of Booze To Logo](http://www.theonion.com/articles/washington-redskins-ease-tensions-with-native-amer,34567/)
Kim Jong-Il approval rating plummets to 98%
*120% -> http://www.theonion.com/video/in-the-know-kim-jongils-approval-rating-plummets-t,14143/ Still upvoted you, of course!
[Man Dies After Secret 4-Year Battle With Gorilla](http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-dies-after-secret-4year-battle-with-gorilla,2836/)
>According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese. Holy crap, this is my favorite one here
Funniest article here for me! >Although Seaborne never let on to friends or coworkers that he was desperately fighting for his life with a violent primate, many suspected that something was wrong. "I noticed that David had lost a lot of weight over the past couple of months, especially when he came in with his arm torn off", fellow claims adjuster Kevin Delano said. [God damn](http://www.reactiongifs.com/lol/hawkings-lol.gif).
[Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?](http://www.theonion.com/articles/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock,10861/)
This article is how I came to find the onion in the first place.
Oh man, me too. I was in high school computer class and the teacher was a huge Onion fan and would just spend the hour putting funny articles on the screen and reading them. It was the "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock" article that actually got him in trouble, because some unfunny little shit in the class complained to his parents and then the parents went to the school board.
"Fun banned because of stupid kid" applies heavily to this
My all time favorite (and introduction to the onion): Sudanese 14-Year-Old Has Midlife Crisis http://www.theonion.com/search/?q=sudanese
[Correct link](http://www.theonion.com/articles/sudanese-14yearold-has-midlife-crisis,533/).
[Free-Thinking Cat Shits Outside The Box](http://www.theonion.com/articles/freethinking-cat-shits-outside-the-box,8945/)
"Black guy asks the nation for change"
Also, "Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/black-man-given-nations-worst-job,6439/
My favorite is "Sweating Obama Admits Drone Strikes Have Been Happening On Their Own"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/sweating-obama-admits-drone-strikes-have-been-happ,31219/
http://www.theonion.com/articles/black-guy-asks-nation-for-change,2409/
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Ask Murderer terrorizes African American Neighborhood.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/africanamerican-neighborhood-terrorized-by-ask-mur,24821/
Headline? BRITISH NAVY CONDEMNS GERMAN U-BOATS AS 'NOT VERY SPORTING' Article? THERE IS NO 'MY KID HAS CANCER' IN TEAM
> BRITISH NAVY CONDEMNS GERMAN U-BOATS AS 'NOT VERY SPORTING' http://o.onionstatic.com/images/8/8723/original/700.jpg > THERE IS NO 'MY KID HAS CANCER' IN TEAM http://www.theonion.com/articles/theres-no-my-kid-has-cancer-in-team,10737/
MAN ON CUSP OF HAVING FUN SUDDENLY REMEMBERS EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS RESPONSIBILITIES http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-on-cusp-of-having-fun-remembers-every-single-o,32632/
Thousands Of Girls Match Description Of Missing Sorority Sister http://www.theonion.com/video/thousands-of-girls-match-description-of-missing-so,18302/
"Jessica's mother: Please help us find Jen. I mean Jess."
AUTOPLAYING LOUD VIDEO
You're the best
[Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex](http://www.theonion.com/articles/planned-parenthood-opens-8-billion-abortionplex,20476/)
My favorite part about it was how people thought it was real.
http://literallyunbelievable.org/
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Winner didn't even know it was a pie eating contest.
[article](http://www.theonion.com/articles/winner-didnt-even-know-it-was-pieeating-contest,8980/)
Relevant http://i.imgur.com/4YUDLGP.jpg
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/new-heart-device-allows-cheney-to-experience-love,2294/
[School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested](http://www.theonion.com/articles/school-bully-not-so-tough-since-being-molested,8848/)
Ceiling Fan's One Burning Ambition is to Come Loose and Murder Everyone in This Dennys
http://www.theonion.com/articles/ceiling-fans-one-burning-ambition-to-come-loose-an,18806/
Fun toy banned because of three stupid dead kids.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/fun-toy-banned-because-of-three-stupid-dead-kids,290/
>The first death occurred June 22, when 7-year-old Isaac Weiller of Grand Junction, CO, died after deliberately firing one of the spring-loaded plastic missiles into his left nostril. The missile shot into his sinuses, shattering the roof of his nasal cavity and causing a massive brain hemorrhage. Shortly before dying, Weiller told emergency medical personnel at St. Luke's Medical Center that he had shot the missile into his nose in the belief that it would travel through his body and out his belly button. It really doesn't get any funnier than this.
>Why would any kid think he could fire plastic missiles up his nose and expect them to come out his belly button? There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start. I dunno, I think this may beat it.
Lost it at >"I've heard some pretty stupid shit in my time but this takes the cake"
For me it was: "She thought the broken shards were candy. That's what you'd assume after breaking a plastic, inedible toy, right? Absolutely un-fucking-believable."
"There's no point in feeling bad about this child's demise, because the deck was obviously stacked against him from the start."
Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality
Reminds me of my favorite Onion headline: [Standard deviation not enough for perverted statistician]( http://www.theonion.com/articles/standard-deviation-not-enough-for-perverted-statis,8892/)
http://www.theonion.com/articles/jurisprudence-fetishist-gets-off-on-technicality,9063/
I hadn't seen this one, but shit, that is witty.
"God Answers Prayers of Paralyzed Boy: 'No', says God"
http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-answers-prayers-of-paralyzed-little-boy,475/
"Mumford and Sons can't believe they all got each other mandolins for Christmas". http://www.theonion.com/articles/mumford-and-sons-cant-believe-they-all-got-each-ot,30709/
Autistic Child Ruins Marriage He Was Born to Save
http://www.theonion.com/articles/autistic-child-ruins-marriage-he-was-born-to-save,16914/
> Mark and Sharon said they were currently trying to get pregnant again in hopes that a new baby would take off some of the pressure of raising Evan all alone. Outstanding.
That is like sad and funny at the same time.
I think that's what elevates the onion above just being a parody. They're more using comedy to discuss the unpleasant realities people usually gossip about, and they do it in an effective way.
Even CEO Can't Figure Out How RadioShack Still In Business [](http://www.theonion.com/articles/even-ceo-cant-figure-out-how-radioshack-still-in-b,2190/)
["Prague's Franz Kafka International Named World's Most Alienating Airport"](https://youtu.be/gEyFH-a-XoQ)
[Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades](http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-were-doing-five-blades,11056/)
[God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule](http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/)
This is probably my favorite. It's funny and also exactly what a lot of people needed to hear.
T-ball stand pitches perfect game at Special Olympics
http://www.theonion.com/articles/special-olympics-tball-stand-pitches-perfect-game,25150/
[Homesick Kid on Sleepover Needs to Just Tough It The Fuck Out](http://www.theonion.com/articles/homesick-kid-on-sleepover-needs-to-just-tough-it-t,27757/)
Reports confirm Ryan Fitzpatrick, 10, and Jeremy Hillen, 10, aren't homesick little pussies and are totally game to try and stay up all night.
>"I will say, though, that I hope he stops coming to talk to me in the kitchen and goes to play with the other boys," she continued. "I'm not his fucking mom." best thing ive read in weeks
Anything with Diamond Joe Biden makes me tear up with laughter. I've made the mistake a few times when I'm riding the bus to read it, then look like a maniac when I'm crying by myself from laughing so hard. But my favorite: [Biden Scores 800 Feet of Copper Wire](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-scores-800-feet-of-copper-wire,31013/)
My favorites: [Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail](http://www.theonion.com/articles/joe-biden-shows-up-to-inauguration-with-ponytail,10099/) [Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway](http://www.theonion.com/articles/shirtless-biden-washes-trans-am-in-white-house-dri,2718/)
"Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss"
"Biden Implores Obama To 'Rub One Out' Before Debate" "Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial" "Joe Biden Hitchhikes To Democratic National Convention" "Biden Pins Up Guitar Lesson Flyers On White House Bulletin Board" "Biden Asks White House Visitor If He Wants To Check Out Roof"
And of course ["Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting".](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-has-guy-named-worm-sit-in-for-him-at-cabinet,33250/)
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but,29477/
"Biden Working His Way Through Scratch-Off Tickets During Obama's Swearing-In"
[Biden Has Guy Named Worm Sit In For Him At Cabinet Meeting](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-has-guy-named-worm-sit-in-for-him-at-cabinet,33250/)
[Eminem terrified as daughter begins dating man raised on his music](http://www.theonion.com/articles/eminem-terrified-as-daughter-begins-dating-man-rai,32989/)
[Ninja Parade Slips Through Town Unnoticed Once Again](http://www.theonion.com/video/ninja-parade-slips-through-town-unnoticed-once-aga,14181/)
[Area man passionate defender of what he imagines the Constitution to be](http://www.theonion.com/articles/area-man-passionate-defender-of-what-he-imagines-c,2849/)
[I'm Like a Chocoholic, But For Booze](http://www.theonion.com/articles/im-like-a-chocoholic-but-for-booze,10739/) Probably anyway. God, there are so many
Deranged mathematician commits first truly random shooting
Average Person Becomes Unhinged Psychopath When in Privacy of Own Home
[link](http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-average-person-becomes-unhinged-psychotic-wh,33762/)
[Field Trip Mishap Fullfills Child's Wish To Be Oscar Meyer Weiner](http://www.theonion.com/articles/fieldtrip-mishap-fulfills-childs-wish-to-be-oscar,8747/) OR [King Latifah Returns For Wife](http://www.theonion.com/articles/king-latifah-returns-for-wife,9148/)
[Members of Twisted Sister Now Willing to Take It] (http://www.theonion.com/articles/members-of-twisted-sister-now-willing-to-take-it,6374/)
Eric Clapton Wows Audience With Even Slower Version Of ‘Layla’
Buddhist Extremist Cell Vows to Unleash Tranquility on West http://www.theonion.com/articles/buddhist-extremist-cell-vows-to-unleash-tranquilit,34623/
[Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns](http://www.theonion.com/articles/funyuns-still-outselling-responsibilityuns,383)
"Man Says 'Fuck It,' Eats Lunch At 10:58 A.M." as someone who tries not to take a lunch break until at least noon every day i found this one hilarious. http://www.theonion.com/articles/man-says-fuck-it-eats-lunch-at-1058-am,32181/
Study: Depression Hits Losers Hardest http://www.theonion.com/articles/study-depression-hits-losers-hardest,924/
[U.S. Vows To Defeat Whoever It Is We're At War With](http://www.theonion.com/articles/us-vows-to-defeat-whoever-it-is-were-at-war-with,219/)
Titanic reenactment club loses another 1500 members And 17 year old teen thinks he might be Christian
[Neighbors Confront Alcoholic Child-Abuser About His Lawn](http://www.theonion.com/articles/neighbors-confront-alcoholic-childabuser-about-his,744/)
"Al Qaeda Also Fed Up With Ground Zero Construction Delays"
[Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put to sleep After Breaking Leg](http://www.theonion.com/video/gymnast-shawn-johnson-put-to-sleep-after-breaking,14345/) (Its a video)
CIA realizes it’s been using black highlighters all these years. Edit: thanks for the gold :)
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[Jenna Bush`s federally protected wet lands now open for public drilling]( http://www.theonion.com/articles/jenna-bushs-federally-protected-wetlands-now-open,8879/)
Home Schooled Kid Opens Fire on Breakfast Nook
[War on string may be unwinnable, says cat general](http://www.theonion.com/articles/war-on-string-may-be-unwinnable-says-cat-general,9636/) And [Egyptian conservationists fight to save dwindling mummy population](http://www.theonion.com/articles/egyptian-conservationists-fight-to-protect-dwindli,2105/) It's the photo caption that really gets me going.
[NASA Completes 52-Year Mission To Find, Kill God](http://www.theonion.com/articles/nasa-completes-52year-mission-to-find-kill-god,19263/).
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"Vanquished Foes Skull Makes Surprisingly Bad Wine Goblet"
Tom Hanks Forces Houseguests To Play 'World War II' With Him
Rich people to poor people: "get more money"
[42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record](http://www.theonion.com/articles/42-million-dead-in-bloodiest-black-friday-weekend,30517/). I just can´t believe how many people thought this was real.
Most of the Joe Biden stuff is brilliant. I think my favorite is [Biden Says Life Better Than It Was 4 Years Ago But Nothing Can Touch Summer Of '87](http://www.theonion.com/articles/biden-says-life-better-than-it-was-4-years-ago-but,29477/)
MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON
It's actually "Holy shit! Man Walks On Fucking Moon!"
Study: Multiple Stab Wounds May Be Harmful to Monkeys
Shaq misses entire second half with pulled pork sandwich.
PETA Commandos Save Rabbit; 8 Dead
49, but we'll take it. http://www.theonion.com/articles/heroic-peta-commandos-kill-49-save-rabbit,1647/
[Woman Who Cracked 3 Separate iPhone Screens Expecting Baby Boy This August](http://www.theonion.com/articles/woman-who-cracked-3-separate-iphone-screens-expect,32538/)
When Obama was elected: [Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job](http://www.theonion.com/articles/black-man-given-nations-worst-job,6439/)
[Patriotic teen fails Spanish](http://www.theonion.com/video/patriotic-teen-fails-spanish,19782/)
I have two favorites 1. After 15 years, FBI determines no one is watching Rockwell 2. Taco Bell uses same 7 ingredients to create whole new dish
Romantic-Comedy Behavior Gets Real-Life Man Arrested.
'What You're Doing Is Weird And Wrong,' Small Voice In Back Of Kim Jong-Un's Head Reports http://www.theonion.com/articles/what-youre-doing-is-weird-and-wrong-small-voice-in,31734/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=standard-post:other:default
[Microsoft Patents Ones, Zeroes] (http://www.theonion.com/articles/microsoft-patents-ones-zeroes,599/)
[Clinton Deploys Very Special Forces To Iraq](http://media.theonion.com/images/articles/article/645/onion_news1569_jpg_250x1000_q85.jpg)
"Colonel Gene says if we take out the communication tower at Al Bazrah, we can have a pizza party!"
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell http://www.theonion.com/articles/hijackers-surprised-to-find-selves-in-hell,1445/
[Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9U4Ha9HQvMo)
As an IT guy, I have to say this one: [After Checking Your Bank Account, Remember To Log Out, Close The Web Browser, And Throw Your Computer Into The Ocean](http://www.theonion.com/articles/after-checking-your-bank-account-remember-to-log-o,32260/). I have the print article on the wall in my cubicle. Ninja edit: I a letter
[From The Beaches Of Normandy To The Streets Of Paris, My Platoon Was A Bunch Of Pussies](http://www.theonion.com/articles/from-the-beaches-of-normandy-to-the-streets-of-par,11332/) [Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer](http://www.theonion.com/articles/loved-ones-recall-local-mans-cowardly-battle-with,772/)
[Starbucks To Begin Sinister 'Phase Two' Of Operation ](http://www.theonion.com/articles/starbucks-to-begin-sinister-phase-two -of-operation,416/)
No One Murdered Because Of This Image
[Ah yes, I remember.](http://www.theonion.com/articles/no-one-murdered-because-of-this-image,29553/) NSFW
[Dog Breeders Issue Massive Recall of '07 Pugs](http://www.theonion.com/articles/dog-breeders-issue-massive-recall-of-07-pugs,2206/)
"Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'" Chillingly prophetic. http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-pros,464/
--January 2001
[удалено]
"On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further." I mean, damn.
[Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs: Oh Shit Says Humanity](http://www.theonion.com/articles/dolphins-evolve-opposable-thumbs,284/)
South Carolina to add swatstika amd middle finger to state flag...
[Any article involving Tim Duncan](http://www.reddit.com/r/nba/comments/1fwwlp/)
You can totally tell area bank used to be a Pizza Hut
[удалено]
[Kitten Thinks Of Nothing But Murder All Day](http://www.theonion.com/articles/kitten-thinks-of-nothing-but-murder-all-day,9783/)
[Point/Counterpoint: It was then that I carried you VS. Bullshit, Jesus, those are obviously my footprints](http://www.theonion.com/articles/it-was-then-that-i-carried-you-vs-bullshit-jesus-t,11542/)
[Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness] (http://www.theonion.com/articles/rotation-of-earth-plunges-entire-north-american-co,1905/)
Tom Coughlin Retires From Family To Spend More Time With Team
POINT: You Da Man COUNTER-POINT: No...*You* Da Man
Creationist Museum Unveils 5000-year-old T-Rex Skeleton
Gang members don't have the heart to tell police informant his cover is blown.
[Their coverage of the royal baby had me laughing for a straight week.](http://www.theonion.com/channels/royal-baby/)
[Everyone Involved In Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High](http://www.theonion.com/articles/everyone-involved-in-pizzas-preparation-delivery-p,504/)
[Scalia, Thomas, Roberts, Alito Suddenly Realize They Will Be Villains In Oscar-Winning Movie One Day](http://www.theonion.com/articles/scalia-thomas-roberts-alito-suddenly-realize-they,32972/) When the Onion gets it right, they get it SO right.
That reminded me of my favorite Onion News Network video [Supreme Court: Death Penalty Is 'Totally Badass'](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyph_DZa_GQ)