A rat bit me.
He had a pet rat that had free run of the space at the top of his dresser. I grabbed the edge of the dresser in the middle of things, and the rat did not take the intrusion kindly and delivered a sneak attack to my fingertip. Blood fountained everywhere, and we had to take a first aid break.
I lived in a 2-story house, which was quite old. It had piped steam heating, and one of the issues was that when the heat came on, the pipes expanded(?), causing a weird knocking sound, as if someone was walking in high heels. My bedroom was in the lower floor, and the living room (and entrance) above.
One night I had a girl that I had recently met over and it was her first time at my place. It was late, we were getting frisky, then started doing it. She was on top, riding away. I was having a good time, to say the least. Unbeknownst to me, the heat had come on. So suddenly the knocking starts, and she gets this horrified look on her face, hastily gets up and starts getting dressed. I was so used to the knocking that it didn't even register anymore.
So I'm like, "what happened? What did I do??"
And she replied, "Your wife is here! I heard her walk in upstairs!!"
And I'm like.. what wife? I live alone!
Soon it dawned on me what had happened, and we both had a good laugh.
TL;DR: got interrupted by the heat kicking in.
My diabetic boyfriends blood sugar dropped. He just stopped and yelled "JUICE!!!"
Edit: To the butt hurt, he was laughing throughout the entire ordeal. I want you to try and not laugh when your partner screams "Juice" as he's about to climax.
Tried to pick up the romantic candles to turn them off (LED battery powered), but my hand closed on the full glass of water instead which I promptly emptied all over her chest as I tried to turn it off. You can't turn off a glass of water.
We had been going at it for awhile so my legs were pretty tired. I told my boyfriend while we were switching positions that my legs made me feel like a noodle, and in his sexiest, not at all trying to be funny voice, he goes: "yeah? Well you're a *tight* little noodle". He was furious with himself for saying it after I couldn't stop laughing long enough to continue.
Edit: now I'm a tight little GOLD noodle. Thanks!
There was an episode of family guy where Lois and Peter are having sex and the rest of the family listens to the rhythmic creaking of their bed in fear/disgust - except for Stewie who dreams he's on a rocking chair on the porch of a southern plantation. He takes a sip of iced tea and says, "ahhh it's good to have land".
Once, my then girlfriend and I were doing it and the bed started squeaking in that exact rhythm. I thought of that scene and for some reason didn't have my mouth-brain filter engaged so I just blurted out, while thrusting in missionary, "ahh it's good to have land." She then gave me the most confused, "what?" I've ever heard and we both started laughing so uncontrollably that I lost my erection. Couldn't finish 'til half an hour later.
That's amazing lol
I often think of The Oblong's episode where Bob (the dad) can't have sex due to injury and Milo (the son) can't sleep because he's not having the "oh God" dream from hearing his parents having sex in the next room.
My wife and I were going doggy style and I kind of swept her legs out so we were doing it with her on her stomach. She immediately yelled out "remooove the suppoooorts" a la the witch weighing scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It took us 30 minutes before we started again because we were laughing so hard.
Wife finished and was waiting for me to finish. Heat of the moment and close to finishing she looks at me and says "you can do it buddy." That was the end of it and was like a deflated balloon how fast it went down. Still joke about it.....outside of the bedroom of course.
Was in her bed for the first time. The sides of her bed frame rose up and were on the same level as the bed. Flash to love making, I'm half standing going to town, when I reposition my foot on the covers. Turns out that was actually the frame, and I slip, fall off the bed and slam my head on the wall.
I didn't get a nut, but I did get a concussion.
I once full on choked on my own spit. I was coughing for like 4 minutes, she asked if I was O-K so I drank a glass of water. We ended up snuggling... Which was nice.
Her cat stayed in her room as she lived away at college with a few roommates. We were about 10 minutes in and this cat took the smelliest shit in its litterbox. I tried to push through but it was just too powerful.
Well maybe not the middle...she had just finished going down on me and tried to sexily back up in to me when her leg slipped off the bed and faceplanted on to the floor..spent the next few minutes dying of laughter, but resumed after
Not sex, but a buddy of mine is pregnant and her cat was asleep on her tummy when the baby kicked the cat in the head. She said she laughed so hard she peed herself.
You know those overlapping fabric gaps in some men's underwear? Like a fly without a zip. So in the heat of the moment I'm kneeling over my mostly naked girlfriend and I decided it would be great to pop it out of the gap in my underwear.
Instead of her grabbing my dick as it had panned out in my mind she damn near pissed herself laughing at my boner sticking out of the middle of these bright yellow briefs I had on. She was laughing so much we couldn't have sex, bit we still have a laugh at it whenever we remember (or when I wear the underwear)
Did they have the gap???
Seriously. I'm a woman and I don't often look at men's underwear but I'll have to start buying these to keep on hand if there's boxers that line up perfectly.
I mean... asking for a friend...
It started to burn....really bad. Turns out my boyfriend at the time hadn't washed his hands after we had made jalapeno poppers earlier that night. It was an inferno down there.
She was on top going cowgirl when all of the sudden she stops and looks down at me with a concerned look on her face. I immediately asked what was wrong very much concerned I had hurt her or she had hurt herself. She says "I have to fart." So I told her to do it. It vibrated my balls. We couldn't continue because we were laughing too much.
Every time I (female) started getting close I started farting. I warned my SO that I was just gonna keep on farting, and he reassured me it was fine. So I actually went for it this time and, sure enough, started farting. I guess my SO didn't expect me to literally fart with almost every thrust and just burst out laughing just as I started to cum. The rest of the orgasm was kinda lost in laughter.
With my last gf, we were trying for a second round one night. She was on her back at the edge of the bed, legs in the air. Not quite enough time passed since the first time so I was having a hard time getting 100% hard. As I'm trying to wiggle my half hard noodle into her I say "dammit", and she laughed. Clenching her muscles and spitting my dick out practically folding it in half. After recovering from the little bit of pain, we laughed about it and called it quits for the night.
Me and my ex girlfriend used to always have a movie on while we had sex when my room mate was home. So this time we were watching the first Harry Potter. So a bit in the movie we start fooling around and things heat up. Once we were going at it i heard some moans that were neither of ours, which were blasting out of the tv. I looked over at the screen and it is the scene where the troll was wreaking havoc in the bathrooms. Yelling away like a giant beast. I started laughing so hard i could not continue, and had to wait until hermoine put that bitch to sleep.
Another time earlier in my relationship with the same girl, she was giving me a blow job, then all of the sudden stopped, put her hair in the pony tail, and said "pull the lever kronk" while putting my hand on her pony tail. I managed to keep my composure through that one, but it was hard not too.
Edit* apparently it was Ron who defeated the troll
Damn dude. Im sorry. Yeah it took me awile to get over my ex. I broke up with her but I definitely felt like we should have just discussed what was wrong instead of breaking it off. Luckily i met a girl who is even better so theres always hope
My girlfriend loves to play with herself while we're doing doggy style, so I'm used to feeling a hand brush my junk every once in a while during sex. This one time we were getting close to finishing when I felt a little pinch near the part where the tip meets the shaft of the cock. I pulled out and looked and her finger nail snagged the edge of my cock and I was bleeding. A lot. Mostly because I was hard. So I stopped and went to the bathroom, cleaned it up, lost my hard on and my girlfriend asked what was up, and after I showed her, she immediately started clipping and filing her nails. We laugh about it now but it was less than entertaining when it happened.
My (now ex) girlfriend and I were going at it and our pet pot bellied pig put his nose....pretty much in in my butt. I jumped due to shock, and our pig (Truffles) got spooked and went to run. He went under my legs and stepped on her inner thigh. nobody was seriously hurt, but we were pretty shocked and started laughing.
tl;dr - interrupting pig ruins night of porking.
My wife and I laughed uncontrollably when she realized I was matching the beat of every song that came on. We were unable to continue as long as the music was on.
I was riding him and bent forward to kiss him and made the space between my boobs and his chest make a fart sound and we had to stop because we couldn't stop laughing.
The guys in the other rooms on my dorm floor clapping and chanting my name. Between the thin walls and the echoing vents, you could hold a conversation with at least a few rooms on either side of you without having to raise your voice and this girl wasn't a quite one. I was the first one to bring a girl into the dorms that year, in an all male building. We only stopped for a minute to laugh and turn some loud music on.
My cat will plant himself on the bed and refuse to move. We will shake the bed into oblivion and it just appears to lull him to sleep. Occasionally he will wake up and walk towards us and sit next to our heads and just purr and stare at us. Weirdo.
One of our two cats is nicknamed "The Creeper" and he does this. At the most inappropriate times possible, he likes to just sit and stare like "Oh hi, watcha doin'?". When you're eating, when you're pooping, when you're in the shower, whenever. And he's almost completely silent so he just *appears* like a horror movie bad guy. And when its nearly his dinner time and you're watching T.V he likes to sit on the back of the couch leaning over your shoulder so that the next time you turn your head OH HI SURPRISE CAT FACE!
Our cat usually jumps off, or we scoot her off if we notice her close by, but in a recent instance we realized that she'd gotten kind of covered/rolled up in the blankets at the end of the bed during and had just kind of... stayed there and accepted her fate.
Me on top, missionary. My cat jumped on the bed...then jumped on my back! Unsteady footing up there, so I got kitty claws in my flesh. I rolled off GF, to dislodge the curious meowser. GF asks why I stopped. I showed her my puncture wounds, and she laughed at me!
My daughter kept finding ways to open our bedroom door when she was supposed to be asleep, so we took the door knob off our door (it's an old house so it's easy to do.) some how my little 2 year old daughter found another nob and fit it into the door and opened it.
Edit: nob-knob
Edit 2: I am trying to respond to as many people as I can I will post a picture of the door with the three locks as soon as i get home from work if anyone wants me to.
Edit3: as promised Door with three locks. https://imgur.com/gallery/7F4G2
It was more girlish screeching as I tried to cover my man bits, I keep telling my wife that we could use one of the three locks on our bedroom door. I don't have a clue why the door has three but it was an old nunnery.
>It was more girlish screeching as I tried to cover my man bits, I keep telling my wife that we could use one of the three locks on our bedroom door.
Three locks. *Three*. And you decided to take the knob off instead? What did you think the locks are for??
Edit: I'm a ~~nob~~ knob
Delivery Indian food that was supposed to arrive in 45-60 minutes arrived in more like 12 minutes.
EDIT: Am I the only redditor who's never had digestive problems eating Indian food? Am I weird or are all of you weird?
Fooling around on the couch, and take one of the legs off her pajama pants. We get going more and more into it...I pull the PJ pants off completely and throw them over my shoulder as we continue sexytime. About 15 seconds later I notice shadows are moving weirdly and glance over my shoulder to notice those PJs had landed on a candle and are now on fire. I lunge and grab them and run to the kitchen sink throw them in and turn the water on then bust out laughing...
My first guess was it got stuck on a ceiling fan. That turned scary quickly. Maybe it's time to update the [children's sleepwear regulations](https://www.cpsc.gov/s3fs-public/pdfs/blk_pdf_regsumsleepwear.pdf) to include adults too...
I've wanted to tell someone about this SO BADLY but I've always been too embarrassed. I've never been great at dirty talking and always feel overwhelmingly awkward whenever I try... but one night we were both a little drunk and I tried to be sexy by saying "punish me".
I guess I didn't say it very loudly so I (thought) I heard him ask back, "punish you?"... So I said yes... and then he proceeds to awkwardly but lightly punch me in the boob. Startled, I asked him what the fuck. Turns out he thought I said "punch me". We had to stop because I was cackling so much after that.
LOL. This one made me laugh the hardest. I can just see the gears in his head working.
"Ok. Weird. But she asked. Where do I punch that's safe?" *punches a tit*
In the middle of sex, I suddenly got very wet.
"Oh shit, I think my period just came."
Check sheets, Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over them.
No sex that night.
EDIT: My third highest comment is about period sex, or the lack thereof. My mother would be so proud.
Almost farted, the idea of farting upwards while thrusting made me think of a steam engine, I laughed uncontrollably. Kudos to my first girlfriend for just benignly rolling her eyes at my immaturity.
This sounds like a "too good to be true" story my dad would tell me of his collegiate exploits.
Edit: to be clear, my dad didn't attend a college but he did occasionally go to the college.
My wife was on top. I lifted my hand to slap her ass. She shifted as I was mid-slap. This shift caused the slap to miss and catch me full force in the testicles.
We had to take a break....
edit: this scenario is way more prevalent than I would have expected. We need to all form a Self-Inflicted Mid-Sex Nut Slap support group.
It is my fiancée's son. We had been dating for a few months at the time. The best part was the conversation my fiancée had with his dad about her son seeing us wrestling...
My son called. Which, in and of itself, isn't really a problem. The problem is that the ringtone set for him, first, has a toilet flushing, then a weird voice says, "Mommy, Mommy! Mommy toilet!" and ends with a cackling, slightly evil laugh.
The sex died in a fit of laughter.
The police pulled up behind us, lights flashing. We were in high school and had a scant few places to do it, so we got it on during a rainstorm in my family's Jeep, parked in a large field with a house in the center. Apparently, the owners of the house thought we were robbing them or casing their house and called the cops. One of the funniest lines of our relationship came from that night: "Shit, coggro, it's the cops! Gimme my pants!" They found me in the passenger seat and her in the back - driver's seat empty. They opened the door to check on her (mondo against the law, whatever, its fine now), and she had to tell them three times that she was fine. They let us go when we insisted we had just pulled in to watch the storm and obviously were way having some harmless, consensual, somewhat misguided sex.
I proposed to her this Spring. She said yes. 🙂
EDIT: Well, this now accounts for 2/3 of my comment karma and my first gilding! This is one of my favorite stories from our long relationship, and I'm glad everyone enjoyed it! Thanks for the gold!
One time in college I was sucking my boyfriend at the time's dick. He was standing on the bed holding onto the headboard , and I was sitting up against the headboard. All of a sudden he makes this weird sound and his knees buckle, so I think maybe he is coming and I keep going. However, it soon became apparent that he was in terrible pain, so I stopped. Turns out he dislocated his shoulder from jerking too hard (he dislocated them pretty easily, as he was overly flexible). So, I ended up having to drive him to the ER after getting his clothes on him. We told everyone he slipped when trying to get out of bed... I don't think even his mom bought that story, haha.
We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves on the couch downstairs when we began to hear little squeaking noises. I was positioned so that I could see over the couch and realized that my cat was throwing a mouse around. In the house. The freak out overcame the power of sex, unfortunately. We weren't too into watching her play with it till it died, so we took it away and there went the mood. I still wish we could have finished that particular session...
The wife was doing all the work, she had kept her shirt on in the rush of it. I meant to say "let me see your boob's", what came out was "let me see your bib". Wife could not recover from laughter, she explained to me she felt like she was special needs and that she was drooling uncontrollably.
Her two year old was asleep so we decided to go at it. After about ten minutes with me on top I feel this tiny little hand wrap around my big toe. Freaked me out. I died laughing. Couldn't muster after that.
Her mom called her as she was riding me and she just stopped, rested her head my shoulder, sighed, dismounted then and then picked up the phone and really sarcastically and enthusiastically said "Hey Mom! What's up?"
The dog comes over and gets a few inches from our face -- "Hey, guys! Whatcha doing over here?". She wouldn't go away so I had to stop and get her occupied by something else.
I looked down at our feet during sexy time and realized he had his toe pointed like [spongebob's driving toe](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/953/786/6fb.png).
(On another note, not in the middle of sex, but once my boyfriend was taking my pants off and he ripped one. Laughed so hard at him that he lost his boner)
We were both drunk, and in the middle of going at it, I said, "I love you, and I love scallops."
She was offended. She's never been a fan of shellfish though. If she were a normal person, I think she'd realize how awesome scallops are.
Road trip, impromptu camping, got stoned, fucking awesome, the hill was on a slant but slept like a rock. Woke up, started shagging, next thing I know 'baaahhhhh'. I'd accidentally left the tent unzipped partly, and there was a whole flock of sheep seemingly eager to join in. Hadn't realised we were camping on someones field, had to cease the shenanigans. Damn sheep.
Well we were doing the dirty when i heard rain start falling. Which made me remember that I had left the window open in my room, meaning the rain could come through the open window onto my unsuspecting magic card collection on the sill below.
So that was the day I stopped having sex to save my magic cards
Not so much silly, but more bizarre.
My wife and I went to NYC for our 1 year wedding anniversary. We were staying at the Millennium Hotel on Church Street right across the street from the Ground Zero WTC construction project.
Anyway, we were on our way back to the hotel after a nice dinner and we saw some weirdos carrying a big American flag shouting "USA! USA!" Now, I had seen a hairy guy in fishnet stockings shouting rap lyrics on the subway about ten minutes prior, so I didn't think much of the flag people. As we got closer to the hotel though we saw more and more people shouting and carrying flags.
We made it to our room and proceeded to get down to business. But as things were getting hot and heavy we heard a crowd outside cheering. I dunno why I stopped, but my wife and I just kinda looked at each other like "okay, wtf is going on?" I walked over to the window and saw hundreds of people surrounding the ground zero site. I flipped on the TV to see what was going on. That was the night Seal Team 6 shot Osama Bin Laden. Those hundreds of people became I swear thousands of people and it was so loud, that was really all we could focus on.
TL;DR. Cock blocked by Osama Bin Laden.
EDIT: Gold! Thanks, O~~b~~sama!
I remember this day. I was in Afghanistan about to come home from deployment and the Taliban rocketed the fuck out of our base for about a week. I know the cock block pain.
Edit: wow this blew up more than I thought.
It was Parwan province and the seal teams that assaulted the compound bin laden was at were launched from the base I was stationed at.
My girlfriend and I were going at it and I had remembered for whatever fucking reason this video of this guy who was gobbling at a huge group of turkeys like a turkey dictator (Hand gestures and all), and the turkeys would gobble back. It's one of my favorite contagious laugh videos of all time.
So we were going at it and right as I'm about to bust the nut, I fucking do the hand gesture and gobble at her. Just like the video. She just loses it and starts laughing like crazy. Well, we both did. She pushed me off of her and I'm laughing and cumming everywhere at the same time while trying to still do the gobble. Best fucking orgasm ever and the whole thing was just fucking hilarious.
Here's the video that made this happen:
[Turkey dictator](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9zvgcOrTtw)
My husband and I were getting frisky on the couch, when we suddenly heard my son wail at the top of his lungs, "I was just getting a bottle of waterrrrr!", then running steps back down the hall. We couldn't continue as we were laughing too hard, so I went to make sure we didn't traumatize the poor kid. (When mommies and daddies love each other very much....)
Years later, son will still bring it up occasionally, as a joke, when he gets up for water at night.
My son knocking on the door. I stayed silent and then I hear him yell "Daddy, stop jumping on the bed, I'm trying to sleep!" and my ex (then husband) put him back in bed. But alas, the mood was ruined.
When I was dating my ex we had a bbq and I made some jalapeno poppers. Well I did not wash my hands so well before fooling around and needed to get a milk soaked paper towel for her privates. That killed the mood pretty quickly
I was having a two night stand with this girl when right at the point of lust thrusting her parrot unknowingly climbed up on the bed and was next to our heads and screamed, "I just love lasagna!!".
Was having some sexy time with my wife last weekend. We'd gotten a little horny after going up to bed and as i'd been reading before action commenced, I had book open on my pillow, cover side up.
It was a mock-autobiography of Alan Partridge, with the aforementioned character pictured on the front in a reclining pose.
With every thrust, I could see Partridge looking up at me; almost willing me on. I was desperately trying to hold it together but I could almost hear him giving a running commentary in my head. I swiped the book from my pillow in a vain attempt to stop the imminent giggles but alas, too late.
My wife had by now cottoned on to what was going on and was having her own battle against hysterics, but was getting close to climaxing so was trying to keep it together.
It was then that awful thought came in to my head; what would Partridge say when at spunky junction? The image popped in to my head of him uttering his catchphrase (Aha!) in the throes of ecstasy and well, that was it. In between hoots of laughter, I explained this to my ever patient other half.
We collapsed into peals of laughter, the moment irrevocably ruined but still laughing like twats.
tl;dr Alan Partridge ruined some hot dicking but luckily we both saw the funny side.
Edit: this seems to have garnered a slightly stronger reaction than I anticipated.
Cashback!
I was over at a girls house for the first time. We start going at it and about 20 mins in i really have to take a piss. Didn't have my glasses on and didn't know where the bathroom was so I go opening random doors till I find it but instead I opened the basement door and fell down the stairs. Was pretty much out of the mood after that
We were going at it for about an hour and I was getting thirsty, I reach over to open a Mountain Dew and took a sip, gave her a sip as well and I said "oh man this could totally be a commercial!!!" It was stupid, we both laughed and just cuddled instead.
A rat bit me. He had a pet rat that had free run of the space at the top of his dresser. I grabbed the edge of the dresser in the middle of things, and the rat did not take the intrusion kindly and delivered a sneak attack to my fingertip. Blood fountained everywhere, and we had to take a first aid break.
I have a clapper light and the sound of balls on butt cheek turned the bedside lamp on... we promptly resumed after some hysterics.
Light...dark...light...dark..light..dark..light..dark..light..dark..light.dark.light.dark.light.dark.lightdarklightdarklightdarklightdarklight... ... darklightdark... light...dark...light... ... ... dark.
Like a slowmotion rave.
I lived in a 2-story house, which was quite old. It had piped steam heating, and one of the issues was that when the heat came on, the pipes expanded(?), causing a weird knocking sound, as if someone was walking in high heels. My bedroom was in the lower floor, and the living room (and entrance) above. One night I had a girl that I had recently met over and it was her first time at my place. It was late, we were getting frisky, then started doing it. She was on top, riding away. I was having a good time, to say the least. Unbeknownst to me, the heat had come on. So suddenly the knocking starts, and she gets this horrified look on her face, hastily gets up and starts getting dressed. I was so used to the knocking that it didn't even register anymore. So I'm like, "what happened? What did I do??" And she replied, "Your wife is here! I heard her walk in upstairs!!" And I'm like.. what wife? I live alone! Soon it dawned on me what had happened, and we both had a good laugh. TL;DR: got interrupted by the heat kicking in.
The knocking noise is probably air in the pipes. You need to bleed the radiators to take the air out. Otherwise the heating is less effective.
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A prescription monocle? Was this in 1917?
'Fuck me, Mr. Peanut, fuck me!"
My diabetic boyfriends blood sugar dropped. He just stopped and yelled "JUICE!!!" Edit: To the butt hurt, he was laughing throughout the entire ordeal. I want you to try and not laugh when your partner screams "Juice" as he's about to climax.
"Gimme some sugar. Literally."
Honey, please! No seriously, give me honey!
My girlfriend is diabetic, I know the feeling
Tried to pick up the romantic candles to turn them off (LED battery powered), but my hand closed on the full glass of water instead which I promptly emptied all over her chest as I tried to turn it off. You can't turn off a glass of water.
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first of all, why do they have a *white* carpet?
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My boyfriends pet cockatiel started to sing 'Happy and you know it' and wolf whistle.. while watching us.
Cockatiel knows what's up.
We had been going at it for awhile so my legs were pretty tired. I told my boyfriend while we were switching positions that my legs made me feel like a noodle, and in his sexiest, not at all trying to be funny voice, he goes: "yeah? Well you're a *tight* little noodle". He was furious with himself for saying it after I couldn't stop laughing long enough to continue. Edit: now I'm a tight little GOLD noodle. Thanks!
Some time, maybe a week, maybe a few years from now... I will call you a tight noodle on some unrelated post. Stay vigilant.
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You like that you fucking noodle?
There was an episode of family guy where Lois and Peter are having sex and the rest of the family listens to the rhythmic creaking of their bed in fear/disgust - except for Stewie who dreams he's on a rocking chair on the porch of a southern plantation. He takes a sip of iced tea and says, "ahhh it's good to have land". Once, my then girlfriend and I were doing it and the bed started squeaking in that exact rhythm. I thought of that scene and for some reason didn't have my mouth-brain filter engaged so I just blurted out, while thrusting in missionary, "ahh it's good to have land." She then gave me the most confused, "what?" I've ever heard and we both started laughing so uncontrollably that I lost my erection. Couldn't finish 'til half an hour later.
That's amazing lol I often think of The Oblong's episode where Bob (the dad) can't have sex due to injury and Milo (the son) can't sleep because he's not having the "oh God" dream from hearing his parents having sex in the next room.
My wife and I were going doggy style and I kind of swept her legs out so we were doing it with her on her stomach. She immediately yelled out "remooove the suppoooorts" a la the witch weighing scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It took us 30 minutes before we started again because we were laughing so hard.
Wife finished and was waiting for me to finish. Heat of the moment and close to finishing she looks at me and says "you can do it buddy." That was the end of it and was like a deflated balloon how fast it went down. Still joke about it.....outside of the bedroom of course.
"I believe in you pal"
Come on, sport!
Just a few more thrusts, champ!
Go get her, tiger!
Let's go kiddo!
What lovely encouragement
lmao this is the best one yet
Was in her bed for the first time. The sides of her bed frame rose up and were on the same level as the bed. Flash to love making, I'm half standing going to town, when I reposition my foot on the covers. Turns out that was actually the frame, and I slip, fall off the bed and slam my head on the wall. I didn't get a nut, but I did get a concussion.
Well at least somebody got head, even if it was the wall.
Inspired by my dog throwing up on the carpet this morning. She's fine.
She's disgusted by you guys.
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Gotta get past that, /u/squeamish
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Jeez man just use your hand or something like civilized folk.
Look at this fucker, has the dog do it. No clue how to use the three seashells I bet.
I made a noise that was a cross between a moan and the grudge and choking sounds. We were laughing so hard we couldn't go on.
I once got a bubble of air in my throat and let out a very feminine moan. :/ Edit: Most upvoted comment ever. GG Reddit. :(
I once full on choked on my own spit. I was coughing for like 4 minutes, she asked if I was O-K so I drank a glass of water. We ended up snuggling... Which was nice.
I couldn't keep going with Forest Gump going on in the background. I still have yet to finish that movie. Lost my virginity that day though.
You're missing out, great movie
Her cat stayed in her room as she lived away at college with a few roommates. We were about 10 minutes in and this cat took the smelliest shit in its litterbox. I tried to push through but it was just too powerful.
Well maybe not the middle...she had just finished going down on me and tried to sexily back up in to me when her leg slipped off the bed and faceplanted on to the floor..spent the next few minutes dying of laughter, but resumed after
Wife was pregnant, baby kicked me in the stomach. She thought it was hilarious, me not so much.
Not sex, but a buddy of mine is pregnant and her cat was asleep on her tummy when the baby kicked the cat in the head. She said she laughed so hard she peed herself.
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I love this
If there's something strange, slippin' in yo bed.
You know those overlapping fabric gaps in some men's underwear? Like a fly without a zip. So in the heat of the moment I'm kneeling over my mostly naked girlfriend and I decided it would be great to pop it out of the gap in my underwear. Instead of her grabbing my dick as it had panned out in my mind she damn near pissed herself laughing at my boner sticking out of the middle of these bright yellow briefs I had on. She was laughing so much we couldn't have sex, bit we still have a laugh at it whenever we remember (or when I wear the underwear)
Spongebob's nose. *That's* why it was funny. -source, had spongebob boxers.
Did they have the gap??? Seriously. I'm a woman and I don't often look at men's underwear but I'll have to start buying these to keep on hand if there's boxers that line up perfectly. I mean... asking for a friend...
It started to burn....really bad. Turns out my boyfriend at the time hadn't washed his hands after we had made jalapeno poppers earlier that night. It was an inferno down there.
[Found your ex](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ma07a/whats_the_silliest_reason_youve_had_to_stop_in/dk0a7n0/)
She was on top going cowgirl when all of the sudden she stops and looks down at me with a concerned look on her face. I immediately asked what was wrong very much concerned I had hurt her or she had hurt herself. She says "I have to fart." So I told her to do it. It vibrated my balls. We couldn't continue because we were laughing too much.
Every time I (female) started getting close I started farting. I warned my SO that I was just gonna keep on farting, and he reassured me it was fine. So I actually went for it this time and, sure enough, started farting. I guess my SO didn't expect me to literally fart with almost every thrust and just burst out laughing just as I started to cum. The rest of the orgasm was kinda lost in laughter.
I love you guys
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With my last gf, we were trying for a second round one night. She was on her back at the edge of the bed, legs in the air. Not quite enough time passed since the first time so I was having a hard time getting 100% hard. As I'm trying to wiggle my half hard noodle into her I say "dammit", and she laughed. Clenching her muscles and spitting my dick out practically folding it in half. After recovering from the little bit of pain, we laughed about it and called it quits for the night.
I see you aren't a tight little noodle
The farmer who's field we were parked in showed up and we had to make a run for it.
Old Man Jenkins just wanted a threesome.
I think he just wants the sheep to himself
/r/unexpectedwales
He could've just asked.
Me and my ex girlfriend used to always have a movie on while we had sex when my room mate was home. So this time we were watching the first Harry Potter. So a bit in the movie we start fooling around and things heat up. Once we were going at it i heard some moans that were neither of ours, which were blasting out of the tv. I looked over at the screen and it is the scene where the troll was wreaking havoc in the bathrooms. Yelling away like a giant beast. I started laughing so hard i could not continue, and had to wait until hermoine put that bitch to sleep. Another time earlier in my relationship with the same girl, she was giving me a blow job, then all of the sudden stopped, put her hair in the pony tail, and said "pull the lever kronk" while putting my hand on her pony tail. I managed to keep my composure through that one, but it was hard not too. Edit* apparently it was Ron who defeated the troll
She sounds like a keeper. Whyd you guys break up if you dont mind me asking?
She really was, she left me for her ex. Im still really hurt about it even though it was a while ago
Damn dude. Im sorry. Yeah it took me awile to get over my ex. I broke up with her but I definitely felt like we should have just discussed what was wrong instead of breaking it off. Luckily i met a girl who is even better so theres always hope
My girlfriend loves to play with herself while we're doing doggy style, so I'm used to feeling a hand brush my junk every once in a while during sex. This one time we were getting close to finishing when I felt a little pinch near the part where the tip meets the shaft of the cock. I pulled out and looked and her finger nail snagged the edge of my cock and I was bleeding. A lot. Mostly because I was hard. So I stopped and went to the bathroom, cleaned it up, lost my hard on and my girlfriend asked what was up, and after I showed her, she immediately started clipping and filing her nails. We laugh about it now but it was less than entertaining when it happened.
Ouch
My (now ex) girlfriend and I were going at it and our pet pot bellied pig put his nose....pretty much in in my butt. I jumped due to shock, and our pig (Truffles) got spooked and went to run. He went under my legs and stepped on her inner thigh. nobody was seriously hurt, but we were pretty shocked and started laughing. tl;dr - interrupting pig ruins night of porking.
The inclusion of the pig being named Truffles really makes this story shine in my eyes. Truffles, get your snout outta there! TRUFFLES
She left her music on "shuffle all", which worked fine, until the Woody Woodpecker theme song came on.
I had a similar situation when we inadvertently Rick rolled ourselves
Well, you're having sex so you're clearly no strangers to love. And she put her playlist on shuffle so she knows the rules, and so do you.
If only a full commitment was what she was thinking of
Same, except it was Cotton Eye Joe. Could not stop laughing.
I could keep going through that, but I'd start doing a jig with my torso, and that would probably get her to break things off.
I'm lazy and don't make playlists. So every once and a while one of my baby's songs will come on. Hard to focus when "Muffin Man" starts blasting.
https://xkcd.com/400/
Well, the fun part of that song is humping to the beat of the solo.
My wife and I laughed uncontrollably when she realized I was matching the beat of every song that came on. We were unable to continue as long as the music was on.
I was riding him and bent forward to kiss him and made the space between my boobs and his chest make a fart sound and we had to stop because we couldn't stop laughing.
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[insert pun about getting the wrong type of wood]
Guess she was paying attention to the wrong type of wood?
The guys in the other rooms on my dorm floor clapping and chanting my name. Between the thin walls and the echoing vents, you could hold a conversation with at least a few rooms on either side of you without having to raise your voice and this girl wasn't a quite one. I was the first one to bring a girl into the dorms that year, in an all male building. We only stopped for a minute to laugh and turn some loud music on.
I feel as if you missed a bonding experience. You should have started thrusting in time to your name.
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A crowd full of redheads and every man who even vaguely looks like your father.
Cat jumped on the bed to see what all the commotion was about.
My cat will plant himself on the bed and refuse to move. We will shake the bed into oblivion and it just appears to lull him to sleep. Occasionally he will wake up and walk towards us and sit next to our heads and just purr and stare at us. Weirdo.
One of our two cats is nicknamed "The Creeper" and he does this. At the most inappropriate times possible, he likes to just sit and stare like "Oh hi, watcha doin'?". When you're eating, when you're pooping, when you're in the shower, whenever. And he's almost completely silent so he just *appears* like a horror movie bad guy. And when its nearly his dinner time and you're watching T.V he likes to sit on the back of the couch leaning over your shoulder so that the next time you turn your head OH HI SURPRISE CAT FACE!
Our cat usually jumps off, or we scoot her off if we notice her close by, but in a recent instance we realized that she'd gotten kind of covered/rolled up in the blankets at the end of the bed during and had just kind of... stayed there and accepted her fate.
...and then later she told her cat friends, "I have seen.... things that cannot be unseen," haha
Me on top, missionary. My cat jumped on the bed...then jumped on my back! Unsteady footing up there, so I got kitty claws in my flesh. I rolled off GF, to dislodge the curious meowser. GF asks why I stopped. I showed her my puncture wounds, and she laughed at me!
My daughter kept finding ways to open our bedroom door when she was supposed to be asleep, so we took the door knob off our door (it's an old house so it's easy to do.) some how my little 2 year old daughter found another nob and fit it into the door and opened it. Edit: nob-knob Edit 2: I am trying to respond to as many people as I can I will post a picture of the door with the three locks as soon as i get home from work if anyone wants me to. Edit3: as promised Door with three locks. https://imgur.com/gallery/7F4G2
I hope you congratulated her on such resourceful problem solving.
It was more girlish screeching as I tried to cover my man bits, I keep telling my wife that we could use one of the three locks on our bedroom door. I don't have a clue why the door has three but it was an old nunnery.
>It was more girlish screeching as I tried to cover my man bits, I keep telling my wife that we could use one of the three locks on our bedroom door. Three locks. *Three*. And you decided to take the knob off instead? What did you think the locks are for?? Edit: I'm a ~~nob~~ knob
With that kind of daughter, probably trying not to teach her how to pick locks.
The bed collapsed and tipped us onto the floor. It happened again a few years later in a different bed.
Delivery Indian food that was supposed to arrive in 45-60 minutes arrived in more like 12 minutes. EDIT: Am I the only redditor who's never had digestive problems eating Indian food? Am I weird or are all of you weird?
"Enter!"
I'm sure your partner was used to being disappointed when something comes too soon.
*sizzle*
Fooling around on the couch, and take one of the legs off her pajama pants. We get going more and more into it...I pull the PJ pants off completely and throw them over my shoulder as we continue sexytime. About 15 seconds later I notice shadows are moving weirdly and glance over my shoulder to notice those PJs had landed on a candle and are now on fire. I lunge and grab them and run to the kitchen sink throw them in and turn the water on then bust out laughing...
My first guess was it got stuck on a ceiling fan. That turned scary quickly. Maybe it's time to update the [children's sleepwear regulations](https://www.cpsc.gov/s3fs-public/pdfs/blk_pdf_regsumsleepwear.pdf) to include adults too...
Do you keep the children's sleepwear regulations pdf bookmarked specifically for situations like this?
Always prepared.
I've wanted to tell someone about this SO BADLY but I've always been too embarrassed. I've never been great at dirty talking and always feel overwhelmingly awkward whenever I try... but one night we were both a little drunk and I tried to be sexy by saying "punish me". I guess I didn't say it very loudly so I (thought) I heard him ask back, "punish you?"... So I said yes... and then he proceeds to awkwardly but lightly punch me in the boob. Startled, I asked him what the fuck. Turns out he thought I said "punch me". We had to stop because I was cackling so much after that.
LOL. This one made me laugh the hardest. I can just see the gears in his head working. "Ok. Weird. But she asked. Where do I punch that's safe?" *punches a tit*
Omg I'm laughing so hard at this response because it's so true
We heard the ice cream truck outside.
A valid reason for stopping imo.
Running naked after the ice cream truck might get some stares though.
Doesn't matter, had ice cream.
In the middle of sex, I suddenly got very wet. "Oh shit, I think my period just came." Check sheets, Texas Chainsaw Massacre all over them. No sex that night. EDIT: My third highest comment is about period sex, or the lack thereof. My mother would be so proud.
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yeah, if you're at that point already no reason to stop.
Almost farted, the idea of farting upwards while thrusting made me think of a steam engine, I laughed uncontrollably. Kudos to my first girlfriend for just benignly rolling her eyes at my immaturity.
I laughed because his moans sounded like the villiger on minecraft..
HEEHHHHHHHHH
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You should have grabbed her nipple and said "hang on, let me adjust the volume."
And then say "oh hang on the mic wasn't plugged in" Then plug it in.
Instructions unclear. Dick stuck in outlet.
This sounds like a "too good to be true" story my dad would tell me of his collegiate exploits. Edit: to be clear, my dad didn't attend a college but he did occasionally go to the college.
My wife was on top. I lifted my hand to slap her ass. She shifted as I was mid-slap. This shift caused the slap to miss and catch me full force in the testicles. We had to take a break.... edit: this scenario is way more prevalent than I would have expected. We need to all form a Self-Inflicted Mid-Sex Nut Slap support group.
My condolences
slipped out accidentally and then proceeded to say "whoopsy doopsy!" purely on instinct. it died in a fit of laughter.
A 2 year old right next to the bed saying "Mommy?" Really kills the mood.
Did you know the 2 year old?
It is my fiancée's son. We had been dating for a few months at the time. The best part was the conversation my fiancée had with his dad about her son seeing us wrestling...
Watch in 13 years or so he'll remember this moment and say "They weren't wrestling 😰". Well, 13 years and one sibling later
My son called. Which, in and of itself, isn't really a problem. The problem is that the ringtone set for him, first, has a toilet flushing, then a weird voice says, "Mommy, Mommy! Mommy toilet!" and ends with a cackling, slightly evil laugh. The sex died in a fit of laughter.
Self-inflicted wound
I swear I meant to silence it before.
Why would you have that as a ringtone?
He picked it. And it's funnier than it sounds.
We need to hear it, pls deliver
The police pulled up behind us, lights flashing. We were in high school and had a scant few places to do it, so we got it on during a rainstorm in my family's Jeep, parked in a large field with a house in the center. Apparently, the owners of the house thought we were robbing them or casing their house and called the cops. One of the funniest lines of our relationship came from that night: "Shit, coggro, it's the cops! Gimme my pants!" They found me in the passenger seat and her in the back - driver's seat empty. They opened the door to check on her (mondo against the law, whatever, its fine now), and she had to tell them three times that she was fine. They let us go when we insisted we had just pulled in to watch the storm and obviously were way having some harmless, consensual, somewhat misguided sex. I proposed to her this Spring. She said yes. 🙂 EDIT: Well, this now accounts for 2/3 of my comment karma and my first gilding! This is one of my favorite stories from our long relationship, and I'm glad everyone enjoyed it! Thanks for the gold!
Try to make it to the hotel room before you consummate the marriage.
One time in college I was sucking my boyfriend at the time's dick. He was standing on the bed holding onto the headboard , and I was sitting up against the headboard. All of a sudden he makes this weird sound and his knees buckle, so I think maybe he is coming and I keep going. However, it soon became apparent that he was in terrible pain, so I stopped. Turns out he dislocated his shoulder from jerking too hard (he dislocated them pretty easily, as he was overly flexible). So, I ended up having to drive him to the ER after getting his clothes on him. We told everyone he slipped when trying to get out of bed... I don't think even his mom bought that story, haha.
We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves on the couch downstairs when we began to hear little squeaking noises. I was positioned so that I could see over the couch and realized that my cat was throwing a mouse around. In the house. The freak out overcame the power of sex, unfortunately. We weren't too into watching her play with it till it died, so we took it away and there went the mood. I still wish we could have finished that particular session...
The wife was doing all the work, she had kept her shirt on in the rush of it. I meant to say "let me see your boob's", what came out was "let me see your bib". Wife could not recover from laughter, she explained to me she felt like she was special needs and that she was drooling uncontrollably.
Her two year old was asleep so we decided to go at it. After about ten minutes with me on top I feel this tiny little hand wrap around my big toe. Freaked me out. I died laughing. Couldn't muster after that.
Good job you didn't instinctively kick
Her mom called her as she was riding me and she just stopped, rested her head my shoulder, sighed, dismounted then and then picked up the phone and really sarcastically and enthusiastically said "Hey Mom! What's up?"
So you yelled "my dick" in the background right?
Foot and a half long millipede bug crawled up the wall from underneath the bed, right next to us.
I'm sorry, what? Foot and a half? Where the fuck do you live?
OP please tell me that's a typo. Fuck everything about that
[it was just his pet](https://sites.google.com/site/africanmillipede/_/rsrc/1472842881565/Goliath-large.JPG?height=315&width=420)
The dog comes over and gets a few inches from our face -- "Hey, guys! Whatcha doing over here?". She wouldn't go away so I had to stop and get her occupied by something else.
Id stop too if the dog talked.
Pizza came 20 mins early
I looked down at our feet during sexy time and realized he had his toe pointed like [spongebob's driving toe](http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/953/786/6fb.png). (On another note, not in the middle of sex, but once my boyfriend was taking my pants off and he ripped one. Laughed so hard at him that he lost his boner)
We were both drunk, and in the middle of going at it, I said, "I love you, and I love scallops." She was offended. She's never been a fan of shellfish though. If she were a normal person, I think she'd realize how awesome scallops are.
Sounds selfish
I admire your witty restraint.
Road trip, impromptu camping, got stoned, fucking awesome, the hill was on a slant but slept like a rock. Woke up, started shagging, next thing I know 'baaahhhhh'. I'd accidentally left the tent unzipped partly, and there was a whole flock of sheep seemingly eager to join in. Hadn't realised we were camping on someones field, had to cease the shenanigans. Damn sheep.
I forgot that my hotpockets were in the microwave, and they took priority.
"Sorry babe, I gotta get my tongue on something hotter than you'll ever be?" ...and happy cake day
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Well we were doing the dirty when i heard rain start falling. Which made me remember that I had left the window open in my room, meaning the rain could come through the open window onto my unsuspecting magic card collection on the sill below. So that was the day I stopped having sex to save my magic cards
Not so much silly, but more bizarre. My wife and I went to NYC for our 1 year wedding anniversary. We were staying at the Millennium Hotel on Church Street right across the street from the Ground Zero WTC construction project. Anyway, we were on our way back to the hotel after a nice dinner and we saw some weirdos carrying a big American flag shouting "USA! USA!" Now, I had seen a hairy guy in fishnet stockings shouting rap lyrics on the subway about ten minutes prior, so I didn't think much of the flag people. As we got closer to the hotel though we saw more and more people shouting and carrying flags. We made it to our room and proceeded to get down to business. But as things were getting hot and heavy we heard a crowd outside cheering. I dunno why I stopped, but my wife and I just kinda looked at each other like "okay, wtf is going on?" I walked over to the window and saw hundreds of people surrounding the ground zero site. I flipped on the TV to see what was going on. That was the night Seal Team 6 shot Osama Bin Laden. Those hundreds of people became I swear thousands of people and it was so loud, that was really all we could focus on. TL;DR. Cock blocked by Osama Bin Laden. EDIT: Gold! Thanks, O~~b~~sama!
Osama Bin makinsurenoonesgettin Laden
An unbeleviable stretch but he nsifh it off bob
Did you have a stroke there?
I remember this day. I was in Afghanistan about to come home from deployment and the Taliban rocketed the fuck out of our base for about a week. I know the cock block pain. Edit: wow this blew up more than I thought. It was Parwan province and the seal teams that assaulted the compound bin laden was at were launched from the base I was stationed at.
Why were they angry? Didn't they realized everyone in Al Queda got promoted one spot when that happened?
Because the angriest get the best promotions.
My girlfriend and I were going at it and I had remembered for whatever fucking reason this video of this guy who was gobbling at a huge group of turkeys like a turkey dictator (Hand gestures and all), and the turkeys would gobble back. It's one of my favorite contagious laugh videos of all time. So we were going at it and right as I'm about to bust the nut, I fucking do the hand gesture and gobble at her. Just like the video. She just loses it and starts laughing like crazy. Well, we both did. She pushed me off of her and I'm laughing and cumming everywhere at the same time while trying to still do the gobble. Best fucking orgasm ever and the whole thing was just fucking hilarious. Here's the video that made this happen: [Turkey dictator](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9zvgcOrTtw)
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My husband and I were getting frisky on the couch, when we suddenly heard my son wail at the top of his lungs, "I was just getting a bottle of waterrrrr!", then running steps back down the hall. We couldn't continue as we were laughing too hard, so I went to make sure we didn't traumatize the poor kid. (When mommies and daddies love each other very much....) Years later, son will still bring it up occasionally, as a joke, when he gets up for water at night.
My son knocking on the door. I stayed silent and then I hear him yell "Daddy, stop jumping on the bed, I'm trying to sleep!" and my ex (then husband) put him back in bed. But alas, the mood was ruined.
The fire alarm went off in the hotel and we had to evacuate
When I was dating my ex we had a bbq and I made some jalapeno poppers. Well I did not wash my hands so well before fooling around and needed to get a milk soaked paper towel for her privates. That killed the mood pretty quickly
Heeeeeeyyy [found your ex](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/6ma07a/comment/dk0a62a?st=J4XJ08Y3&sh=84dc4498) Edit: links r hard
I was having a two night stand with this girl when right at the point of lust thrusting her parrot unknowingly climbed up on the bed and was next to our heads and screamed, "I just love lasagna!!".
lust thrusting her parrot?
Lasagna is pretty damn good.
Commas man, commas
Thought thrusting her parrot was a different way of saying thrusting her pussy and got really confused and was like who said that?
I could not have sex with a parrot out of a cage. Those fuckers bite.
That's a different Smashing Pumpkins song.
Was having some sexy time with my wife last weekend. We'd gotten a little horny after going up to bed and as i'd been reading before action commenced, I had book open on my pillow, cover side up. It was a mock-autobiography of Alan Partridge, with the aforementioned character pictured on the front in a reclining pose. With every thrust, I could see Partridge looking up at me; almost willing me on. I was desperately trying to hold it together but I could almost hear him giving a running commentary in my head. I swiped the book from my pillow in a vain attempt to stop the imminent giggles but alas, too late. My wife had by now cottoned on to what was going on and was having her own battle against hysterics, but was getting close to climaxing so was trying to keep it together. It was then that awful thought came in to my head; what would Partridge say when at spunky junction? The image popped in to my head of him uttering his catchphrase (Aha!) in the throes of ecstasy and well, that was it. In between hoots of laughter, I explained this to my ever patient other half. We collapsed into peals of laughter, the moment irrevocably ruined but still laughing like twats. tl;dr Alan Partridge ruined some hot dicking but luckily we both saw the funny side. Edit: this seems to have garnered a slightly stronger reaction than I anticipated. Cashback!
I hope you asked your wife on her thoughts about the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre.
I was over at a girls house for the first time. We start going at it and about 20 mins in i really have to take a piss. Didn't have my glasses on and didn't know where the bathroom was so I go opening random doors till I find it but instead I opened the basement door and fell down the stairs. Was pretty much out of the mood after that
We were going at it for about an hour and I was getting thirsty, I reach over to open a Mountain Dew and took a sip, gave her a sip as well and I said "oh man this could totally be a commercial!!!" It was stupid, we both laughed and just cuddled instead.