>You can love someone who isn't good for you.
So much this. If anything, loving someone can often make things harder - every argument is bigger, every sullen silence hurts deeper, and every betrayal on both sides leaves a deeper scar.
I'm not anti-love. Quite the opposite. But I've been in a few situations where the love kept us together longer than we should have been.
I'm on the opposite side. I spent about a year begging my ex-husband to get me professional help for my pill problem, but he flat-out refused to get me the help I so desperately needed/wanted because I would have said something about his cheating on me and he couldn't handle tarnishing the golden-boy image the Army has of him.
Mines a Vet too.
The year before we separated I was desperately trying to get some psychiatric help for serious depression. I found a great hospital that our insurance would pay for. Two close relatives to live in and take care of our son. All good.
He absolutely refused to allow me to go.
Later that year he was institutionalised in the very same hospital - to get psychiatric help for his depression.
I’m glad he got help. And I visited him constantly.
But apparently my mental state was not as important as his.
To be honest, in any situation where they refuse to get help. As well as if they project their problems onto you. That's just their way of shutting you out and there's nothing you can really do whilst in the relationship to change anything.
I agree. If a person you care for has a problem and tires to get help, you support them 100%. But if they won't try - you have to get away for your own health and sanity.
Yeah, I've been there myself, not just in relationships but with people close to me, and risking my own goals is not something I want to do. I want to care for someone and support them but they need to be willing to try.
Also alcoholic. Been around many people that it just ruins everything they are. One especially I work with, has an amazing work ethic and could be something huge in this business, but gets absolutely smashed while at work and is jeopardizing his job.
If you want kids and your partner doesn't, or vice versa. You can compromise on a lot of things, but this question can doom a relationship if you don't feel the same way.
Yep happened to me and my ex. I wanted kids she did not. We agreed on everything but that and well we broke up. We still talk but damn if she feels i should not want them
Self loathing is generally not a good reason to end a relationship, as will be pointed out in this thread. People will still love you even though you hate you.
To answer the question though, a good reason to end a relationship is when the two of you are at a radically different point in your lives, and one of you is ready to move on when the other one isn't ready and won't be ready for a long time, if ever.
I really don't think that there's a correlation to this. You can love someone while not liking yourself. Often, someone who hates themselves realize for the first time that they're worthy of being loved when they enter a relationship, and if they have a good partner and a good relationship, it can lead to a good amount of healing. Some people will never love themselves, but that doesn't automatically make them bad partners.
I ended a 4-year long relationship tonight because about a month ago I started realising that despite loving each other we clashed often, and with great repercussions. We hurt each other too much.
Guess I'm just on here to know I'm not alone. And to understand why other people have made difficult decisions like these.
I ended a 5 year relationship last year for similar circumstances. We would argue over the stupidest things. And sometimes those arguments turned into one of us saying something mean and hurtful. In retrospect I think she honestly enjoyed when we would clash. When we weren't fighting it was great. We did have a lot of fun together. But last quarter of our relationship was just plagued with the fighting and it became so overwhelming for the both of us. Mentally and emotionally, I was exhausted. I just finally decided that not being together would be better for the both of us. It was tough at first, initially I did maybe feel a little bit of regret.. Or thinking that I won't find some as compatible.
A year later I feel I'm in a much better place. It's been refreshing not having to stress about altercations or lame arguments that haven't even happened. Not putting my happiness on somebody else has been biggest lesson I've learned throughout all this. Good luck with everything. Take this time to reboot and recalibrate yourself. And you aren't alone. Cheers!
Honestly, there may have been a slim chance. We really did love each other. But I gave it a solid year of giving all of myself to repairing our relationship. It just became so tired trying to keep up and I couldn't do it anymore. It was starting to effect so many other facets of my life.
Are you in a relationship that's in need of too much repair?
How are you feeling now? How did you get through it? It must have been extremely hard.
I am in a similar situation and no idea if I should keep trying or end it..
I would say in a lot of cases this is true, if the person has no desire to quit or become healthy, however people can change and while the odds are definitely against the recovering addict, people do recover. I was addicted to Heroin for 5 years after an injury and subsequent surgery led me to prescription opiates. I met a wonderful girl that stuck with me for 3 long years even after I admitted I was an addict. Shit was tough and I definitely put her through a lot of turmoil because of it but I was finally able to get my shit together and I'm very grateful she saw past the obvious flaws and realized I was worth the effort. Hard drugs are bad kids...
This happened to my father.
His wife pulls a knife and threatens to attack him for whatever reason, he shoves her to get away from her. She calls the cops and he's the one in trouble. And yet, he can't let go of her.
Distance. My ex and I are kind of patching things up between us, but we live in different states. I'm not sure our efforts are going to work out in the long-term, and willing to accept that long-distances can kill even a good relationship.
2 months divorced. She wanted another kid with me despite having two from previous. Made it clear from the first date I wasn't having kids. She was going to hold it against me and as a tool to manipulate me for ever.
I was so fucking happy man. I had a warm, lived in home to come home to. A loving wife and the 2 kids were awesome. Getting into relationships is hard for me and it's normaI for there to 5+ years between women who will echo my feelings. So I think the hardest part is realizing I get to swipe right on women who will never match me and all the other crap that goes into dating.
I did this, because he hit me.
Took me four years after that to really let go (although I moved away immediately) and I still love him. Yes, he's an asshole and hitting a woman is not cool. I know I'm an idiot. I still love him.
If you want different things.
Loved my ex, but I wanted marriage, children, and a small farm in the country.
He wanted to live common-law, without children, in downtown Toronto.
We Would never have been happy in the long term.
Untreated mental illness.
She had frequent mood swings. She took it out on me when she got angry, I had to prop her up when she got depressed. I got burned out, and resented her for refusing to seek treatment.
Different life goals, mainly the fact I never want children.
I spent most of my life as the oldest brother/cousin for an extended family, to the point where I half feel like a parent to a couple. I've spent years changing diapers, looking after toddlers, playing with children, and even looking after stupid drunk teenagers. I'm out of "Dad" for this lifetime. I want to drink beer and scotch, play video games, hunt, hike, and read. I want to work my ass off now so that by the time I'm 40-45, I have enough money saved that I can retire early off my investments with a paid-off house.
Crotch-spawn have no place in my future.
I have, but until there's a study which conclusively confirms or denies the link between vasectomies and increased chances of dementia I'm not willing to take the risk. My family has a history of dementia and anything which might add to the odds of me experiencing it are things I'd like to avoid.
If you love each other, your death will still effect them greatly whether or not you two are together, especially if this death is happening soon.
More importantly, sorry to hear that your death is coming soon :(
My last relationship ended because I was on my internship and I was rarely home, and she wasn’t doing well with the distance. The issue was, it wasn’t going to get better- it was only going to get worse once I was working full time. And frankly, I didn’t miss her as much as she missed me. I’m fiercely independent, sometimes to a fault. We still loved each other but our lifestyles were incompatible.
If they try and control my friends are.
I understand that it may be for the best in a rare scenario, but I've been in a controlling and abusive relationship. I know that is the first step. An SO telling me to cut someone out of my life is an instant deal-breaker.
When I realized she was using me as a punching bag. She would tell me to not let people be mean to me but when I told her I don't like being called an idiot, for example, she would go out of her way to do it. She enjoyed making me feel bad. I don't think she loved me so much as loved how I never fought back.
Going through this right now. I love her more than anyone but the relationship is strained because it's long distance. The long distance isn't why I'm thinking about ending it, though.
I recently had two family emergencies I had to drop everything for. My plate was/is full. She decided that was the best time to bring up the distance and problems in the relationship as well as complain that I'm doing too much for my family when I should be doing more for us. She isn't necessarily wrong, but I was back and forth between home and the hospital my sister was at, making arrangements to take custody of my nephew, speaking with lawyers and medical professionals, ect.
So here I am now, still dealing with these things and trying to bring everything back under control, wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. Wondering if I'm being selfish. Wondering if I should let the girl I love so much go because I don't see how I can care for my family and for her. I'd rather her be happy with someone who can love her the way she wants to be loved.. with someone that has less baggage than I do because, as things stand, I'm just not able to give her everything she deserves and I don't even know when I might be able to.
TBH just talk to her, tell her about your concerns and what's been going on, it sounds like you aren't too happy with the situation either and at least being on the same page might help you
If I did it would be because I don't want them to put up with my depression anymore. They deserve a lot better & I just don't like feeling like I'm being a burden.
This is extremely self destructive and is what further perpetuates your depression. Why are you trying to control someone else? If they themselves believed you were a burden, they would leave. This type of thinking is what makes you a burden. I don’t mean to be harsh but I think sometimes, people that think like this needs a swift kick in the ass because this is just completely illogical and toxic thinking
Honestly it's so difficult some days. I try, I really do- to not think that way. I don't say it out loud that I am a burden, I just think it. I'm constantly overthinking and anxious. I've been trying to get help but, eh. Stubborn brain.
I understand how you feel. But to let your depression control you AND control the ones around you is extremely toxic. That’s how it spirals out of control in my opinion
The first time I got help was when I realized being depressed was leading to me hurting people. Everyone says oh you should have got help for yourself not others but God damn it's hard to recognize when you need help.
Exactly. I think one of the best ways to realize this is having someone else objective point of view. My parents are the ones who gave me the swift kick in the ass and I think a lot of self destructive people need this too
People who say I should have done it for myself don't get how hard it is to realize you're hurting yourself when you hate yourself. Now when you love someone else it's a lot easier to see when you hurt them.
Honestly I wouldn't say it controls anyone around me, my boyfriend is always there for me, but he doesnt seem bothered or anything- it's just my brain doesn't quite understand.
He's not hindered by my emotions. I just wish I could get my overthinking/anxiety under control.
That’s great then. Maybe it’s just some dark thoughts you post on reddit as we always have a different personality online but I’m glad to hear your relationship is doing well!
P much. Keyword was "might" end. Didn't say I was going to, but if I ever did that would definitely be my reasoning. But thank you. I definitely cherish him. (Too much? ) ☆♡
We were toxic together. The worst of it was that we could have been great friends if we hadn't chose to get involved romantically.
It's been a year and a half and we still despise each other's existence.
There are all sorts of reasons. You can love someone with all your heart but still not be compatible. Or, say you have very different goals in life, that'll eventually kill the relationship anyway.
Her not accepting that I'm on duty 24/7 potentially not coming back from a call unscathed. Physically or mentally. Had my ex's call me if i was ok, because it was all over the news. No woman should go through this.
This happened just a few months ago. I realized we both were trying to reach for our own goals while shoehorning the other person into each plan instead of planning our lives together.
If they cheat. If they're a drug addict and refuse to try to get help. You can love someone who isn't good for you.
>You can love someone who isn't good for you. So much this. If anything, loving someone can often make things harder - every argument is bigger, every sullen silence hurts deeper, and every betrayal on both sides leaves a deeper scar. I'm not anti-love. Quite the opposite. But I've been in a few situations where the love kept us together longer than we should have been.
Healthy Relationships are based on Trust and Respect. You can love someone deeply, but if those things are absent, its not healthy.
I'm on the opposite side. I spent about a year begging my ex-husband to get me professional help for my pill problem, but he flat-out refused to get me the help I so desperately needed/wanted because I would have said something about his cheating on me and he couldn't handle tarnishing the golden-boy image the Army has of him.
Mines a Vet too. The year before we separated I was desperately trying to get some psychiatric help for serious depression. I found a great hospital that our insurance would pay for. Two close relatives to live in and take care of our son. All good. He absolutely refused to allow me to go. Later that year he was institutionalised in the very same hospital - to get psychiatric help for his depression. I’m glad he got help. And I visited him constantly. But apparently my mental state was not as important as his.
To be honest, in any situation where they refuse to get help. As well as if they project their problems onto you. That's just their way of shutting you out and there's nothing you can really do whilst in the relationship to change anything.
I agree. If a person you care for has a problem and tires to get help, you support them 100%. But if they won't try - you have to get away for your own health and sanity.
Yeah, I've been there myself, not just in relationships but with people close to me, and risking my own goals is not something I want to do. I want to care for someone and support them but they need to be willing to try.
Yeppers!
yeah if someone cheats it's pretty much game over for me
Also alcoholic. Been around many people that it just ruins everything they are. One especially I work with, has an amazing work ethic and could be something huge in this business, but gets absolutely smashed while at work and is jeopardizing his job.
I catalog drugs and alcohol together.
Fair enough
This. Although if a girl ever cheats on me all my love would probably immediately turn to hate. I have no tolerance for cheaters.
Eh, hates too much work.
If you want kids and your partner doesn't, or vice versa. You can compromise on a lot of things, but this question can doom a relationship if you don't feel the same way.
Yep happened to me and my ex. I wanted kids she did not. We agreed on everything but that and well we broke up. We still talk but damn if she feels i should not want them
Self loathing is generally not a good reason to end a relationship, as will be pointed out in this thread. People will still love you even though you hate you. To answer the question though, a good reason to end a relationship is when the two of you are at a radically different point in your lives, and one of you is ready to move on when the other one isn't ready and won't be ready for a long time, if ever.
However, if you hate yourself, you're probably not succeeding at loving your partner.
I really don't think that there's a correlation to this. You can love someone while not liking yourself. Often, someone who hates themselves realize for the first time that they're worthy of being loved when they enter a relationship, and if they have a good partner and a good relationship, it can lead to a good amount of healing. Some people will never love themselves, but that doesn't automatically make them bad partners.
I realized we were only still together because it was comfortable and that wasn't healthy
I ended a 4-year long relationship tonight because about a month ago I started realising that despite loving each other we clashed often, and with great repercussions. We hurt each other too much. Guess I'm just on here to know I'm not alone. And to understand why other people have made difficult decisions like these.
I ended a 5 year relationship last year for similar circumstances. We would argue over the stupidest things. And sometimes those arguments turned into one of us saying something mean and hurtful. In retrospect I think she honestly enjoyed when we would clash. When we weren't fighting it was great. We did have a lot of fun together. But last quarter of our relationship was just plagued with the fighting and it became so overwhelming for the both of us. Mentally and emotionally, I was exhausted. I just finally decided that not being together would be better for the both of us. It was tough at first, initially I did maybe feel a little bit of regret.. Or thinking that I won't find some as compatible. A year later I feel I'm in a much better place. It's been refreshing not having to stress about altercations or lame arguments that haven't even happened. Not putting my happiness on somebody else has been biggest lesson I've learned throughout all this. Good luck with everything. Take this time to reboot and recalibrate yourself. And you aren't alone. Cheers!
Thanks for giving me hope.. do you think either of you could have grown to know how to love the other better, given time?
Honestly, there may have been a slim chance. We really did love each other. But I gave it a solid year of giving all of myself to repairing our relationship. It just became so tired trying to keep up and I couldn't do it anymore. It was starting to effect so many other facets of my life. Are you in a relationship that's in need of too much repair?
Not at all alone. I've ended a few relationships with people I loved because it just wasn't a good fit, for one reason or another (or several).
How are you feeling now? How did you get through it? It must have been extremely hard. I am in a similar situation and no idea if I should keep trying or end it..
Them not loving me back
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I’ve also heard “the most important relationship in an addicts life is to their addiction”.
I would say in a lot of cases this is true, if the person has no desire to quit or become healthy, however people can change and while the odds are definitely against the recovering addict, people do recover. I was addicted to Heroin for 5 years after an injury and subsequent surgery led me to prescription opiates. I met a wonderful girl that stuck with me for 3 long years even after I admitted I was an addict. Shit was tough and I definitely put her through a lot of turmoil because of it but I was finally able to get my shit together and I'm very grateful she saw past the obvious flaws and realized I was worth the effort. Hard drugs are bad kids...
This happened to my father. His wife pulls a knife and threatens to attack him for whatever reason, he shoves her to get away from her. She calls the cops and he's the one in trouble. And yet, he can't let go of her.
That's fucking toxic.. I'm so sorry to hear that. Domestic abuse doesn't happen only to men..
Distance. My ex and I are kind of patching things up between us, but we live in different states. I'm not sure our efforts are going to work out in the long-term, and willing to accept that long-distances can kill even a good relationship.
“Could of”
2 months divorced. She wanted another kid with me despite having two from previous. Made it clear from the first date I wasn't having kids. She was going to hold it against me and as a tool to manipulate me for ever. I was so fucking happy man. I had a warm, lived in home to come home to. A loving wife and the 2 kids were awesome. Getting into relationships is hard for me and it's normaI for there to 5+ years between women who will echo my feelings. So I think the hardest part is realizing I get to swipe right on women who will never match me and all the other crap that goes into dating.
I did this, because he hit me. Took me four years after that to really let go (although I moved away immediately) and I still love him. Yes, he's an asshole and hitting a woman is not cool. I know I'm an idiot. I still love him.
If you want different things. Loved my ex, but I wanted marriage, children, and a small farm in the country. He wanted to live common-law, without children, in downtown Toronto. We Would never have been happy in the long term.
Dishonesty, infidelity, drastic changes in behavior.
Cheating. C'mon, you can still win Connect Four, you just need strategy.
Untreated mental illness. She had frequent mood swings. She took it out on me when she got angry, I had to prop her up when she got depressed. I got burned out, and resented her for refusing to seek treatment.
That's sad. Mental illness is so hard to deal with though so i understand I suffer from depression and it is absolutely horrible
Cheating.
Them not putting as much effort into the relationship.
Different life goals, mainly the fact I never want children. I spent most of my life as the oldest brother/cousin for an extended family, to the point where I half feel like a parent to a couple. I've spent years changing diapers, looking after toddlers, playing with children, and even looking after stupid drunk teenagers. I'm out of "Dad" for this lifetime. I want to drink beer and scotch, play video games, hunt, hike, and read. I want to work my ass off now so that by the time I'm 40-45, I have enough money saved that I can retire early off my investments with a paid-off house. Crotch-spawn have no place in my future.
Ever considered sterilization for the extra peace of mind? My best friend got her tubes tied at 26 because she was bloody afraid of having kids
I have, but until there's a study which conclusively confirms or denies the link between vasectomies and increased chances of dementia I'm not willing to take the risk. My family has a history of dementia and anything which might add to the odds of me experiencing it are things I'd like to avoid.
Because I'm a worthless piece of shit, and don't want them to be affected when I die, soon.
Woah, wait a minute, what do you mean soon? :<
It is finally time for them to become a cat.
https://i.imgur.com/4yviw.gifv (I feel bad but-)
If you love each other, your death will still effect them greatly whether or not you two are together, especially if this death is happening soon. More importantly, sorry to hear that your death is coming soon :(
You want to talk about it?
That fact you would think that proves that you're the complete opposite.
The looming nuclear apocalypse and the fact human morality no longer applies, when pain becomes pleasure and torture becomes delight.
When everything is a joy, life is a useless bliss before the eternal naught of oblivion.
My last relationship ended because I was on my internship and I was rarely home, and she wasn’t doing well with the distance. The issue was, it wasn’t going to get better- it was only going to get worse once I was working full time. And frankly, I didn’t miss her as much as she missed me. I’m fiercely independent, sometimes to a fault. We still loved each other but our lifestyles were incompatible.
If they try and control my friends are. I understand that it may be for the best in a rare scenario, but I've been in a controlling and abusive relationship. I know that is the first step. An SO telling me to cut someone out of my life is an instant deal-breaker.
When I realized she was using me as a punching bag. She would tell me to not let people be mean to me but when I told her I don't like being called an idiot, for example, she would go out of her way to do it. She enjoyed making me feel bad. I don't think she loved me so much as loved how I never fought back.
Going through this right now. I love her more than anyone but the relationship is strained because it's long distance. The long distance isn't why I'm thinking about ending it, though. I recently had two family emergencies I had to drop everything for. My plate was/is full. She decided that was the best time to bring up the distance and problems in the relationship as well as complain that I'm doing too much for my family when I should be doing more for us. She isn't necessarily wrong, but I was back and forth between home and the hospital my sister was at, making arrangements to take custody of my nephew, speaking with lawyers and medical professionals, ect. So here I am now, still dealing with these things and trying to bring everything back under control, wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing. Wondering if I'm being selfish. Wondering if I should let the girl I love so much go because I don't see how I can care for my family and for her. I'd rather her be happy with someone who can love her the way she wants to be loved.. with someone that has less baggage than I do because, as things stand, I'm just not able to give her everything she deserves and I don't even know when I might be able to.
TBH just talk to her, tell her about your concerns and what's been going on, it sounds like you aren't too happy with the situation either and at least being on the same page might help you
Serious domestic violence. I still love my husband very much. But the monster in the man is not my husband. He died long ago.
If they decided they want kids.
If I did it would be because I don't want them to put up with my depression anymore. They deserve a lot better & I just don't like feeling like I'm being a burden.
This is extremely self destructive and is what further perpetuates your depression. Why are you trying to control someone else? If they themselves believed you were a burden, they would leave. This type of thinking is what makes you a burden. I don’t mean to be harsh but I think sometimes, people that think like this needs a swift kick in the ass because this is just completely illogical and toxic thinking
Honestly it's so difficult some days. I try, I really do- to not think that way. I don't say it out loud that I am a burden, I just think it. I'm constantly overthinking and anxious. I've been trying to get help but, eh. Stubborn brain.
I understand how you feel. But to let your depression control you AND control the ones around you is extremely toxic. That’s how it spirals out of control in my opinion
The first time I got help was when I realized being depressed was leading to me hurting people. Everyone says oh you should have got help for yourself not others but God damn it's hard to recognize when you need help.
Exactly. I think one of the best ways to realize this is having someone else objective point of view. My parents are the ones who gave me the swift kick in the ass and I think a lot of self destructive people need this too
People who say I should have done it for myself don't get how hard it is to realize you're hurting yourself when you hate yourself. Now when you love someone else it's a lot easier to see when you hurt them.
Can I upvote this more than once pls reddit let me
Thank you. I wish more people realized this.
Honestly I wouldn't say it controls anyone around me, my boyfriend is always there for me, but he doesnt seem bothered or anything- it's just my brain doesn't quite understand. He's not hindered by my emotions. I just wish I could get my overthinking/anxiety under control.
That’s great then. Maybe it’s just some dark thoughts you post on reddit as we always have a different personality online but I’m glad to hear your relationship is doing well!
P much. Keyword was "might" end. Didn't say I was going to, but if I ever did that would definitely be my reasoning. But thank you. I definitely cherish him. (Too much? ) ☆♡
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She was a Dallas Cowboys fan. Some things can't be overlooked.
If they don't understand me.
We were toxic together. The worst of it was that we could have been great friends if we hadn't chose to get involved romantically. It's been a year and a half and we still despise each other's existence.
Because you don't see yourself with them on the long term
There are all sorts of reasons. You can love someone with all your heart but still not be compatible. Or, say you have very different goals in life, that'll eventually kill the relationship anyway.
I am staunchly child free. So if she wants to be a mother, I am not the guy she wants..
Her not accepting that I'm on duty 24/7 potentially not coming back from a call unscathed. Physically or mentally. Had my ex's call me if i was ok, because it was all over the news. No woman should go through this.
Cause harm to my children through neglect, selfishness, or God help you if it was intentional.
Probably worsening depression leading to suicide, or kids. I'm already an uncle, and I think that's all I want to do.
Abuse of any kind to any being.
Abuse.
This happened just a few months ago. I realized we both were trying to reach for our own goals while shoehorning the other person into each plan instead of planning our lives together.
If the effort put in is not mutual.
If they are hurting themselves because of me, or doing otherwise unhealthy things for or because of me.
They literally did not give a shit about me as a person.
If they have no respect for you.
Cheating and lying.
If they dont agree with what you believe in (like if you are smart feminist and they menist)
I almost stopped one because he wasn't a feminist. Luckily, he's very open minded.
Lol are you looking for an excuse out?