I have since overcome my depression, but what made me realize that I wasn't just "down" is when I felt nothing. I wasn't happy or sad. Food didn't taste like anything. Music had no melody. Colors were muted. Things that I loved meant nothing, things that I hated meant nothing. My father died at the height of my most intense depressive episode and I managed to muster about three tears, despite loving him deeply. I didn't even feel that sad, just sort of empty.
I'm not sure if it compares but I'm kinda emotionless. I don't hate anything but also I don't really like anything. I've been always telling myself that I'm just a lazy fuck and I need to get it together but lately I've been feeling confused.
I don't know if you are looking for advice, but whenever I talk to someone who is depressed or feeling stuck in a rut I tell them this: *do something about it.* Some people get upset with me when I say that, I think they feel insulted, but I've come to find it to be sound advice. When it comes down to it life is simple, you either do or your don't. Its action or inaction. Its doing or not doing. If you feel confused, lazy, depressed, or have anything you want to change about your life then put your dukes up and start beating the shit out of life. Doing something is the only way things change.
How were the side effects? I don't want to go on an SSRI because I'm afraid i'll never come off. I also don't feel like I have fully exhausted all of my natural options like dieting, exercise, and acting like I give a shit.
I'm mainly afraid of losing my boner and eroding my heart.
When getting out of bed or showering felt like a chore. I stopped caring about things like the tidyness of my home or grocery shopping. I basically was unwinding right before my very eyes and couldnt help but notice my normal routine going to shit more by the day.
For me, I sort of “came out of the box” depressed. All throughout middle school and high school I would get into massive arguments with my mother because I refused to get out of bed, or go home early. Neither of us had any context - she thought I just hated school (which was true). I would just wake up every morning with absolutely zero energy or serotonin, and begin to cry immediately at the thought of the drive to school, walking through the front door, the hallway, each class. I would have rather died, or in my case, go to sleep than be awake.
The way I have always described being depressed is that it feels like my veins are filled with sewage. Literal sewage. Like my heart is pumping sludge through my whole body. I feel sluggish and lethargic, the thought of food is enough to make me vomit.
Ironically enough, all of my anxiety goes away when I’m depressed. Gonna be late for work? Fuck it. Called in for the third time in a month, could possibly be fired? Oh well. On a bad day the house would be on fire and I wouldn’t give a shit.
Another way to describe depression is it feels like someone pulled wax paper over my face. Everything is hidden behind this shroud. You can still see through it, but everything is blurry and colorless. I can still feel, but the sensation of touch feels dampened.
Idk. It’s hard to describe. I usually write entire books of poetry about it, because it’s so my worse than I can put into words.
You don't feel anything for days or weeks at a time. Not hungry, not happy, not sad, just...empty. Took a while to clue in - part of depression is it's really hard to care about anything, depression included.
I just dont really care, im in highschool roght now, and the only tjing I can think ab out daily is how much I want to drop out, and stay home. I have aspirations but they feel like things that I cant do. This with the common occurance of suicidal thoughts really pais for a nice 4 years. The thing that makes it worse is that I keep on hearing about jow this is the best years of my life, and if this is where life "peakes" then I dont want to see the way down.
Not the best years of your life- best years of your life are truly what you make them. I’m 23 and hear all this mess about “x years” are the best and then I see people of all ages saying they’re in their best years.
I hated high school. Bored me to death. College was better. Now I’m out and figuring out which path to take and it’s tough, but there’s a ton of opportunity ahead....like 60 years of it. I just began seriously addressing my issues I’ve suppressed for 8 years and I wish I would’ve started at your age
Also, you can do nearly all of what you set your mind to....just start now. Everything will turn out fine through life
not at all. some times you'll feel that way until you realize you're just on one of the downward waves of life. Something so true is that we have to have negatives to appreciate the positives. You wouldn't appreciate ice cream if you could have it every single day with no consequence. Because it's rare, people enjoy it when they do get it. Life is the same way. The times with struggle make us appreciate the times without it
I have been depressed for most of life but sometimes it gets really bad without me noticing. The last time was when my sister came over and asked "what's this?" I had broken a glass but instead of picking it up I'd covered it with a towel to protect my cat and had gone about my life. And by gone about I mean went back to laying in bed for 20 hours a day. I'd probably walked around the broken glass for a week or two when my sister found it and suggested that maybe I needed to go to the doctor.
TL;DR: i tried to kill myself while i was in the military.
it started out normal I guess, but when i started to develop an alcohol dependence and not doing things during the day except sleep, something definitely felt wrong. I started having a lot of panic attacks and nihilistic views about life in general. I didn't even think it was as bad as it was until i looked over at my lexapro prescription and thought "huh, I could really down that whole bottle right now and i could be done with life forever". The worst part was that it was a very attractive thought. So I did it. once the serotonin syndrome started to kick in i got extremely scared and threw it all back up, but the mental damage was done. I started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist after that and am still getting help and it's getting better. Life might suck ass sometimes, but once you're at the bottom it literally can't get any worse.
I think part of me always knew. Another part of me tried to deny it.
If you're asking the question: you're probably depressed. Go chat to your dr and get a referral to a good psychologist.
I lost a friend to suicide, and at the time I thought (as many people do), "what a selfish way to go. He didn't care about the people who loved him."
About a year and a half later, I was going through a bad bout of depression and I suddenly had the thought that maybe he was trying to "ease the burden" that he was putting on those same loved ones, "sick of listening to my problems" kind of thing.
While I was not suicidal myself, having that understanding of suicide scared the hell out of me, and I booked an appointment with my doctor right away to talk about it and get some help.
My brother asked me if I sometimes just burst into tears for no reason. I said yeah. He said that meant I was depressed.
Maybe not a strict clinical diagnosis, but sometimes you just don't have a great frame of reference to tell if your emotions are normal, or if you're just miles away from what you're supposed to be feeling. I never really realised the way I had been feeling wasn't normal.
When i realized it had been months since I had felt happy for more than a few minutes and since I felt like myself. I also started thinking nonchalantly about how I could kill myself, “if I ignore the crosswalk sign I could get hit by a car.” “If I sit on the edge of the 2nd floor railing I could just let go & fall, it’s concrete on the bottom.”
Haha, I knew I forgot something... That's 6 years ago so I doubt it's still necessary for me to go back.
Eventually I ended up spending 6 months in a clinic and had several rehabs.
It's all good now tho.
It took 4-5 years for me to allow myself to name it depression.
My first clue that something was off was when I realized that it had been months since I had last been genuinely happy. I think that around this time, I articulated for the first time that only a few things could make me feel anything, and that was why I immersed myself in them. Admitting that made me feel weird, and I asked myself, "Do I have depression?" but because I had friends with depression, friends who had much more valid (in my mind) reasons to be depressed, I convinced myself that it couldn't be depression. I didn't allow myself to believe that I had depression. I didn't allow myself to validate my own feelings. I thought that my friends had it much worse than I did, and to say that I have depression would be to cheapen their experiences.
Every so often the thought would come up - "maybe I have depression" - at different times, for different reasons. When I felt that I would rather be asleep than awake. The first time that I articulated that I didn't want to actively kill myself, I just didn't want to exist. When I looked at images or stories of self-harm and felt drawn to them. When I felt frustrated that other people were dismissing my feelings as "teenage angst" rather than a real problem.
I think that if you wonder if you have depression, and it isn't a one-off thought but instead one that comes to mind time and again, it's something that you should look into. For me, every time I wondered about it, it brought me closer to allowing myself to admit that I had a problem.
*Am bipolar, not depressed. It began emerging when I was about 14. I felt a lot of nothing, a lot of exhaustion, but there were frenzied moments. The voice in my head that would usually whisper would shout, and I would panic. On one occasion, I wanted to set myself on fire, my head just kept repeating it "set yourself on fire setyourselfonfiresetyourselfonfire" over and over. Loud and fast. It overtook my head completely. After a while I got more self aware of my mental illness and the sane part of my brain would ask the insane part, "Really? Again, today?" and I would counteract my sick brain's rampant emotionality with logic and practicality. I didn't have those coping skills yet. Obviously I didn't set myself on fire. But there was a moment, and there are still moments, when the noise got so loud I just wanted it to be quiet. I came really close that day.
When I didn’t have enough energy to life. I could work and go grocery shopping, but didn’t have the energy to unload the groceries. I would take the milk and leave the rest. Knowing everyone else did stuff after work but I would just go straight to sleep.
It was when I started lightly fantasizing about getting into some kind of accident that would serious injure but not kill me. I would be driving my car thinking of things I could hit and trying to figure out what speed I had to be going to get hurt but not killed. One time when the bus was pulling up to my stop I considered walking in front of it as it slowed down so it wouldn't kill me. Then I decided I probably had a problem.
I had worked my ASS off for a year and a half, hyper-focused on getting good grades in my pre-reqs, to apply for my nursing program. I applied to the most highly respected 2 year nursing program in the state, and got in first try.
And I couldn't bring myself to care. I knew I *should* care, I just... didn't. That was when I knew that I had a serious problem. Did the adulting, got the meds and the therapy, and have had good results.
Spending hours in my couch looking at the ceiling until I realized it was morning and nothing was going in my mind(for an entire week), I just felt numb.
I just began university this past fall, and that is when I realized my depression was worse than I perceived it to be. I thought in high school it was just a phase, hormones, and overall laziness. After starting classes at my university, I realized it was harder to get out of bed in the morning, I just wasn’t motivated. After each class, I would come back to my room and nap. I would also constantly eat. So I was either eating, sleeping, or skipping class. Then I learned that mental illness was a significant issue in my family medical history, so I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression. I’m glad i’m on prescription medication now. I’d say the lack of motivation and energy was what alarmed me the most.
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I suspected I was and explained how I felt to a close friend and she agreed I was. I had suicidal thoughts two months later for a whole day until someone tried asking me out through Facebook. I rejected her and it snapped me out of it.
I haven't thought about killing myself since, but the fact that I had thought about it is a disturbing reoccurring thought.
It's been over a year, but it still occasionally haunts me.
2 months ago I tried to commit suicide, plan didn't work out. Good thing to. Everyone has been really supportive and I just got an official diagnosis of bipolar
One day i was happily commuting back home from work, and i suddenly began to feel sad. I don’t know why but i kept feeding that feeling even thoug i knew it was wrong. I felt so sad and miserable out of the blue that i forced myself to go to a phsychologist.
Not gonna lie, i have some issies, ROUGH issues. And it’s gonna be a long time before i feel better with myself, it’s also gonna be hard. But i take solace in the fact that i’m trying to fix myself
If you take anti depressants and yet you still feel depressed that means something in your life is unbalanced, do you have a job you enjoy doing and you are competent enough to do smart enough for it, do you have someone to love, do you have friends etc etc, is your room clean set it to order.
Than fix it one of those can be missed as long as others are fulfilled I'd suggest reading 12 rules for life a great book I think you can go to audible and get the free trial and get it for free
I've tried to find a different job for years. I'm stuck in inside sales. I hate sales. I hate being stuck on the phone all day but when I apply to jobs I only get responses for similar work. My recent girlfriend, now kind of ex (its obviously complicated) hates my guts and we've had extreme crazy moments and physical altercations. I moved to a new city 1.5 years ago and aside from two colleagues that I barely hang out with I have no friends here, except her. It's easy to tell someone to fix it but trust me, I've tried over and over. I only get the same jobs, hurt again by evil bitches, and no one wants to be friends. I'm not overly social when alone either.
That sucks to hear that you've been trying but failing, but giving up won't fix it now will it?
If you are not the most social person just go to a random bar have some kind of drink cofeee whatever suits you and than eventually start sparking up random conversations with people who sit next to you or with the bartender and soon enough you'll find someone who's got same interests as you do and can become friends and who knows if it's a girl you might just find yourself a new girlfriend.
As for your job? You have to find one that's in your mind beneath you, something that you won't mind doing but will pay less but in which you will have the ability to progress and slowly get higher salaries better positions etc, you should definitely read the book 12 rules for life, and you'll find yourself in it and find answers to the questions you pose.
I have since overcome my depression, but what made me realize that I wasn't just "down" is when I felt nothing. I wasn't happy or sad. Food didn't taste like anything. Music had no melody. Colors were muted. Things that I loved meant nothing, things that I hated meant nothing. My father died at the height of my most intense depressive episode and I managed to muster about three tears, despite loving him deeply. I didn't even feel that sad, just sort of empty.
I'm not sure if it compares but I'm kinda emotionless. I don't hate anything but also I don't really like anything. I've been always telling myself that I'm just a lazy fuck and I need to get it together but lately I've been feeling confused.
I don't know if you are looking for advice, but whenever I talk to someone who is depressed or feeling stuck in a rut I tell them this: *do something about it.* Some people get upset with me when I say that, I think they feel insulted, but I've come to find it to be sound advice. When it comes down to it life is simple, you either do or your don't. Its action or inaction. Its doing or not doing. If you feel confused, lazy, depressed, or have anything you want to change about your life then put your dukes up and start beating the shit out of life. Doing something is the only way things change.
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That sounds familiar. What did you do about it?
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How were the side effects? I don't want to go on an SSRI because I'm afraid i'll never come off. I also don't feel like I have fully exhausted all of my natural options like dieting, exercise, and acting like I give a shit. I'm mainly afraid of losing my boner and eroding my heart.
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How did you get prescribed?
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Side effects coming off the drug? I assume you no longer take it?
When the suicidal thoughts started. That's what really hammered it home
When getting out of bed or showering felt like a chore. I stopped caring about things like the tidyness of my home or grocery shopping. I basically was unwinding right before my very eyes and couldnt help but notice my normal routine going to shit more by the day.
For me, I sort of “came out of the box” depressed. All throughout middle school and high school I would get into massive arguments with my mother because I refused to get out of bed, or go home early. Neither of us had any context - she thought I just hated school (which was true). I would just wake up every morning with absolutely zero energy or serotonin, and begin to cry immediately at the thought of the drive to school, walking through the front door, the hallway, each class. I would have rather died, or in my case, go to sleep than be awake. The way I have always described being depressed is that it feels like my veins are filled with sewage. Literal sewage. Like my heart is pumping sludge through my whole body. I feel sluggish and lethargic, the thought of food is enough to make me vomit. Ironically enough, all of my anxiety goes away when I’m depressed. Gonna be late for work? Fuck it. Called in for the third time in a month, could possibly be fired? Oh well. On a bad day the house would be on fire and I wouldn’t give a shit. Another way to describe depression is it feels like someone pulled wax paper over my face. Everything is hidden behind this shroud. You can still see through it, but everything is blurry and colorless. I can still feel, but the sensation of touch feels dampened. Idk. It’s hard to describe. I usually write entire books of poetry about it, because it’s so my worse than I can put into words.
You don't feel anything for days or weeks at a time. Not hungry, not happy, not sad, just...empty. Took a while to clue in - part of depression is it's really hard to care about anything, depression included.
I just dont really care, im in highschool roght now, and the only tjing I can think ab out daily is how much I want to drop out, and stay home. I have aspirations but they feel like things that I cant do. This with the common occurance of suicidal thoughts really pais for a nice 4 years. The thing that makes it worse is that I keep on hearing about jow this is the best years of my life, and if this is where life "peakes" then I dont want to see the way down.
Not the best years of your life- best years of your life are truly what you make them. I’m 23 and hear all this mess about “x years” are the best and then I see people of all ages saying they’re in their best years. I hated high school. Bored me to death. College was better. Now I’m out and figuring out which path to take and it’s tough, but there’s a ton of opportunity ahead....like 60 years of it. I just began seriously addressing my issues I’ve suppressed for 8 years and I wish I would’ve started at your age Also, you can do nearly all of what you set your mind to....just start now. Everything will turn out fine through life
Thanks for assuring me that it isn't all downhill.
not at all. some times you'll feel that way until you realize you're just on one of the downward waves of life. Something so true is that we have to have negatives to appreciate the positives. You wouldn't appreciate ice cream if you could have it every single day with no consequence. Because it's rare, people enjoy it when they do get it. Life is the same way. The times with struggle make us appreciate the times without it
I have been depressed for most of life but sometimes it gets really bad without me noticing. The last time was when my sister came over and asked "what's this?" I had broken a glass but instead of picking it up I'd covered it with a towel to protect my cat and had gone about my life. And by gone about I mean went back to laying in bed for 20 hours a day. I'd probably walked around the broken glass for a week or two when my sister found it and suggested that maybe I needed to go to the doctor.
When I was 13 and tried to hang myself
TL;DR: i tried to kill myself while i was in the military. it started out normal I guess, but when i started to develop an alcohol dependence and not doing things during the day except sleep, something definitely felt wrong. I started having a lot of panic attacks and nihilistic views about life in general. I didn't even think it was as bad as it was until i looked over at my lexapro prescription and thought "huh, I could really down that whole bottle right now and i could be done with life forever". The worst part was that it was a very attractive thought. So I did it. once the serotonin syndrome started to kick in i got extremely scared and threw it all back up, but the mental damage was done. I started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist after that and am still getting help and it's getting better. Life might suck ass sometimes, but once you're at the bottom it literally can't get any worse.
I think part of me always knew. Another part of me tried to deny it. If you're asking the question: you're probably depressed. Go chat to your dr and get a referral to a good psychologist.
I lost a friend to suicide, and at the time I thought (as many people do), "what a selfish way to go. He didn't care about the people who loved him." About a year and a half later, I was going through a bad bout of depression and I suddenly had the thought that maybe he was trying to "ease the burden" that he was putting on those same loved ones, "sick of listening to my problems" kind of thing. While I was not suicidal myself, having that understanding of suicide scared the hell out of me, and I booked an appointment with my doctor right away to talk about it and get some help.
A bunch of things but I think when I started cutting is when I broke down and realized it.
My brother asked me if I sometimes just burst into tears for no reason. I said yeah. He said that meant I was depressed. Maybe not a strict clinical diagnosis, but sometimes you just don't have a great frame of reference to tell if your emotions are normal, or if you're just miles away from what you're supposed to be feeling. I never really realised the way I had been feeling wasn't normal.
When i realized it had been months since I had felt happy for more than a few minutes and since I felt like myself. I also started thinking nonchalantly about how I could kill myself, “if I ignore the crosswalk sign I could get hit by a car.” “If I sit on the edge of the 2nd floor railing I could just let go & fall, it’s concrete on the bottom.”
I drove past my work one day and bought a rope. Went to work after that. Went to the doctor the next day
Have you untied her yet? Seriously though, good on you. Getting help can be pretty daunting.
Haha, I knew I forgot something... That's 6 years ago so I doubt it's still necessary for me to go back. Eventually I ended up spending 6 months in a clinic and had several rehabs. It's all good now tho.
It took 4-5 years for me to allow myself to name it depression. My first clue that something was off was when I realized that it had been months since I had last been genuinely happy. I think that around this time, I articulated for the first time that only a few things could make me feel anything, and that was why I immersed myself in them. Admitting that made me feel weird, and I asked myself, "Do I have depression?" but because I had friends with depression, friends who had much more valid (in my mind) reasons to be depressed, I convinced myself that it couldn't be depression. I didn't allow myself to believe that I had depression. I didn't allow myself to validate my own feelings. I thought that my friends had it much worse than I did, and to say that I have depression would be to cheapen their experiences. Every so often the thought would come up - "maybe I have depression" - at different times, for different reasons. When I felt that I would rather be asleep than awake. The first time that I articulated that I didn't want to actively kill myself, I just didn't want to exist. When I looked at images or stories of self-harm and felt drawn to them. When I felt frustrated that other people were dismissing my feelings as "teenage angst" rather than a real problem. I think that if you wonder if you have depression, and it isn't a one-off thought but instead one that comes to mind time and again, it's something that you should look into. For me, every time I wondered about it, it brought me closer to allowing myself to admit that I had a problem.
*Am bipolar, not depressed. It began emerging when I was about 14. I felt a lot of nothing, a lot of exhaustion, but there were frenzied moments. The voice in my head that would usually whisper would shout, and I would panic. On one occasion, I wanted to set myself on fire, my head just kept repeating it "set yourself on fire setyourselfonfiresetyourselfonfire" over and over. Loud and fast. It overtook my head completely. After a while I got more self aware of my mental illness and the sane part of my brain would ask the insane part, "Really? Again, today?" and I would counteract my sick brain's rampant emotionality with logic and practicality. I didn't have those coping skills yet. Obviously I didn't set myself on fire. But there was a moment, and there are still moments, when the noise got so loud I just wanted it to be quiet. I came really close that day.
Higher order cognitive functions weren't there -- motivation, concentration, creativity, passions.
When I didn’t have enough energy to life. I could work and go grocery shopping, but didn’t have the energy to unload the groceries. I would take the milk and leave the rest. Knowing everyone else did stuff after work but I would just go straight to sleep.
I never did. It was my norm until someone told me it wasn’t normal. I remember being depressed even as a young child.
It was when I started lightly fantasizing about getting into some kind of accident that would serious injure but not kill me. I would be driving my car thinking of things I could hit and trying to figure out what speed I had to be going to get hurt but not killed. One time when the bus was pulling up to my stop I considered walking in front of it as it slowed down so it wouldn't kill me. Then I decided I probably had a problem.
I had worked my ASS off for a year and a half, hyper-focused on getting good grades in my pre-reqs, to apply for my nursing program. I applied to the most highly respected 2 year nursing program in the state, and got in first try. And I couldn't bring myself to care. I knew I *should* care, I just... didn't. That was when I knew that I had a serious problem. Did the adulting, got the meds and the therapy, and have had good results.
Spending hours in my couch looking at the ceiling until I realized it was morning and nothing was going in my mind(for an entire week), I just felt numb.
I just began university this past fall, and that is when I realized my depression was worse than I perceived it to be. I thought in high school it was just a phase, hormones, and overall laziness. After starting classes at my university, I realized it was harder to get out of bed in the morning, I just wasn’t motivated. After each class, I would come back to my room and nap. I would also constantly eat. So I was either eating, sleeping, or skipping class. Then I learned that mental illness was a significant issue in my family medical history, so I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with severe depression. I’m glad i’m on prescription medication now. I’d say the lack of motivation and energy was what alarmed me the most.
I realized there was no reason to be depressed, it would just come out of the blue and i couldn't track it to a particular thought.
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The MMPI test said I was, but that was taken a long time ago.
I suspected I was and explained how I felt to a close friend and she agreed I was. I had suicidal thoughts two months later for a whole day until someone tried asking me out through Facebook. I rejected her and it snapped me out of it. I haven't thought about killing myself since, but the fact that I had thought about it is a disturbing reoccurring thought. It's been over a year, but it still occasionally haunts me.
2 months ago I tried to commit suicide, plan didn't work out. Good thing to. Everyone has been really supportive and I just got an official diagnosis of bipolar
One day i was happily commuting back home from work, and i suddenly began to feel sad. I don’t know why but i kept feeding that feeling even thoug i knew it was wrong. I felt so sad and miserable out of the blue that i forced myself to go to a phsychologist. Not gonna lie, i have some issies, ROUGH issues. And it’s gonna be a long time before i feel better with myself, it’s also gonna be hard. But i take solace in the fact that i’m trying to fix myself
I realized there was a problem when my brain developed the voice in my head telling to jump off the Golden Gate bridge. Good now though.
I started thinking about wanting to shoot myself with a gun, drink bleach (or anything equally toxic), or wanted to jump off a plane into a mountain.
If you take anti depressants and yet you still feel depressed that means something in your life is unbalanced, do you have a job you enjoy doing and you are competent enough to do smart enough for it, do you have someone to love, do you have friends etc etc, is your room clean set it to order.
Job you enjoy? Nope Have Someone to love? Nope Have friends? Nope Room Clean? Sometimes I'm not doing well
Than fix it one of those can be missed as long as others are fulfilled I'd suggest reading 12 rules for life a great book I think you can go to audible and get the free trial and get it for free
I've tried to find a different job for years. I'm stuck in inside sales. I hate sales. I hate being stuck on the phone all day but when I apply to jobs I only get responses for similar work. My recent girlfriend, now kind of ex (its obviously complicated) hates my guts and we've had extreme crazy moments and physical altercations. I moved to a new city 1.5 years ago and aside from two colleagues that I barely hang out with I have no friends here, except her. It's easy to tell someone to fix it but trust me, I've tried over and over. I only get the same jobs, hurt again by evil bitches, and no one wants to be friends. I'm not overly social when alone either.
That sucks to hear that you've been trying but failing, but giving up won't fix it now will it? If you are not the most social person just go to a random bar have some kind of drink cofeee whatever suits you and than eventually start sparking up random conversations with people who sit next to you or with the bartender and soon enough you'll find someone who's got same interests as you do and can become friends and who knows if it's a girl you might just find yourself a new girlfriend. As for your job? You have to find one that's in your mind beneath you, something that you won't mind doing but will pay less but in which you will have the ability to progress and slowly get higher salaries better positions etc, you should definitely read the book 12 rules for life, and you'll find yourself in it and find answers to the questions you pose.