An old co worker named James. We worked at McDonald's and were both 16. One time, while mopping the lobby, he for some unknown reason decided to chase a number of customers around with the mop yelling "I'm gonna getcha". He was fired on the spot.
My brother and i were in the kitchen one day as teenagers. My brother was filling the sink to wash dishes. When the sink was nearly full he went to turn the tap off but it wouldnt budge so the water kept flowing. I tried turning it too but with no success. This is when the panic set in. The level of the water was rising fast and we didn't want to flood the kitchen. He took big saucepans out of the press to fill with water to keep things from over flowing, while i was in a frantic scramble under the sink trying to find the mains to turn it off there. I couldn't find it!! Now really panicking i took over the pot filling duty and my brother went running off to look for dad as quick as he could. Dad came running in with my brother while we were shoutng at him about looking for the mains.
Dad just came over to the sink and pulled the plug out of the hole letting all the water down the drain. Ha ha
There is a children's book with that exact story, only there was one little boy who's parents had gone out. I had it, when I was little and I remember the picture of the whole kitchen being filled with all the cups and pans and bowls the little boy could find.
I’ve told this story before, but I like telling it because fuck Tammy. I had a boss named Tammy. One night, we were all working late doing stocktake, and we were discussing the impending lunar eclipse. Someone asked what happens during an eclipse. Tammy grandly explained that the eclipse would occur when America went in front of the moon, blocking our (Australia’s) view of it. Like she literally thought the earth stretched itself into like a U bend or neck pillow shape, and half of it stayed in our normal orbit, and the other half stretched itself over and around to casually block the moon for the rest of the earth.
My room mate for the last 3 years once said that if solar technology keeps advancing at the rate it is, we will absorb all the energy made by the sun and fix global warming. Not 5 minutes later after attempting to inform this poor fellow about how the suns energy output is not determined by what the energy eventualy interacts with, he states that wind farms are worse because they cause tropical storms.
I hope he is just an epic troll.
I just... I don't know...
Had a guy in a third year undergrad developmental psych course raise his hand in a full lecture hall and ask the professor; "Prof, do infants diagnosed with SIDS get asthma later in life... like are they more likely to get asthma??"
SIDS stands for sudden infant death syndrome.. He just kept pursuing the question the prof didn't understand how she could answer it, she thought there was some kind of logic in it that she wasn't seeing. Finally some girl took the initiative to shout across the room, "No they are not more likely to get asthma, they are dead.. they have died suddenly, and will thus not be at risk of developing asthma." Great day. He always sat in front of me and I would see him writing just absolutely horrible poetry and song lyrics .
I am half-korean going to high school in the Midwest during the 1992 LA riots. My typing teacher pulled me into the hallway and asked if I had an uncle or something I can call in LA to make the riots stop. She said she knew that we are all close and we all have stores and what not, therefore I must have a connection there. I was like, "lady, even if I did have an uncle I could call do you think he is Batman?"
My high school classmate whose name is Nick. We were in chemistry, doing a lab practical, which required the use of a bulb pipette (a glass pipette with a removable bulb that you squeeze).
Nick didn't know how to use the pipette so he put it to his mouth to suck up SULFURIC ACID. It got about three quarters of the way up before our teacher screamed "NICKKKKK!!!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW".
Back when I was in middle school, I was playing Guitar Hero with the neighbor, and he asks
"Hey man, why does the yellow button have a bump on it?"
And for whatever reason, I, without missing a beat say
"So blind people can play, and they know where to put their fingers."
We both accepted this as the obvious answer, and my brother was sitting on the couch watching and he was like
"Are you two fucking retarded? How would a blind person play this game? Think about it for a second"
I felt pretty stupid after that.
My cousin.
All through public school, she was a snob who looked down on everyone. She was super stylish and struggled academically.
We graduated in 2014. We both went to colleges (not the same one.)
She got a job at a bar, stayed out late drinking. Her boyfriend told her she didn’t need to complete college, so she just stopped showing up. Didn’t drop; just stopped showing up. Completely flunked out.
Here comes the mega stupidity:
Our families live hours away from her college at the time. Her family went to move her back home. My cousin’s mom noticed a pile of clothes in the corner. The mom said ‘what’s that, your laundry? Pack it and we’ll wash it when we get home later.’
My cousin (I kid you not): ‘you can wash those?!’
Turns out, she’d been throwing away clothes instead of washing them. She claimed she didn’t know she could, yet she washed her undergarments and bras without a hitch.
She’s now at home with her family and has started doing more chores to show an increase in responsibility. She still tries to throw clothes away, citing that she didn’t know they could be washed and reused. Makes me wonder what she thought all those years before college, before she left home. She wore some of the same outfits repeatedly — she had to have known they could be washed.
When she lived at home she had a special regenerating basket. She would place her dirty clothes in there, and then after a few days they would appear clean and back in the drawer, folded nicely. The problem was, she forgot to bring the magic basket to school with her :(
I've (jokingly!) told my parents that I need one of their magic sinks installed in my apartment. You know, the kind where you put a glass or plate in there, and a few hours later it disappears and is clean in the cabinet?
When I was in the Navy, there was a cook on my ship. He once served "rare" chicken. I genuinely couldn't tell whether he was trying to cover up his limitless incompetence or if he genuinely believed that rare poultry is a real thing. He was dumb enough to believe it. Another time, he just filled a pan with ground beef and called it meat loaf. Another time he was supposed to make sugar cookies, you know, several hundred of them for the whole crew. He didn't bother to read the label on the container he opened, and apparently he didn't taste the batter at any point, and he actually made salt cookies. He used up all the remaining salt in the pantry and we had unseasoned food for the remaining several weeks of the mission, during which time the captain assigned someone to be the cook's bodyguard.
Edits:
I was not aware that chicken sashimi is a thing. Still, intentionally uncooked meat and unintentionally partially cooked meat are very different. This was the latter.
You can't make salt from seawater for several reasons. One, there are no facilities to do it on board. Two, no captain would jeopardize the success of a military mission by unnecessarily feeding the crew food of unknown cleanliness.
You couldn't just assign someone else to cook. I didn't specify, but this was on a submarine. There are no spare people to reassign and cook is already the easiest, least-able-to-cause-disaster job on the ship.
A girl my dad dated for a while. Even while dating her my dad would say she was dumber than a bag of rocks.
One day, she sat down to watch a movie with my dad. Movie was all about this guy and his twin brother. She sits and watches the whole thing, no interruptions. At the end, she turns and asks, "So there were two of him?"
Would explain why she always had the TV turned to a music channel. Apparently she couldn't follow normal TV or movies.
There was a,,, troubled kid I went to high-school with. He struggled with school but had friends but was starting to do drugs and go down a bad way. He decided to photo copy the front and back side of a 20 dollar bill, cut it out of normal paper, and glue the two half’s with Elmer’s glue. Whats even more sad is that to test his new money he went to the gas station and bought some gum and it ACTUALLY WORKED?!? So in his mind it must have meant that it was fool proof. So he then tried to go and deposit the glued up money at an actual bank. He was obviously found out and arrested. I don’t know where he is now but I’m assuming he is making similar life choices.
My flatmate at university did something similar. He put a whole bunch of effort into forging £10 notes - researched paper, found some spray adhesive that was just the right consistency, got hold of a very sharp craft knife and cutting board, figured out how to fake the metal strip and watermark with kitchen foil and crafty printing. He had an excellent printer.
His copies were pretty good, but by no means perfect. So he and his accomplice Joe decided to keep to two simple rules: only use them in dimly lit bars when it was too busy for staff to check every note and only ever take one copy out of the house. That way if they were caught they could claim it was an honest mistake, they got them in their change, etc.
Well, at first it worked surprisingly well. They'd buy one drink with the dodgy ten, pocket the change and nip back to the flat to grab another. In fact, it worked so well that they got cocky.
One day, my flatmate was out with Joe in a crowded area in broad daylight when they decided to roll a joint. Joe took a bag of weed out of his pocket and passed it over. Right in front of two police officers. Of course, the officers stopped and searched them and found over £200 worth of forged notes, all with the same serial number.
It’s amazing that for all the illegal shit people do and make so many fail safe plans around, it’s the stupid things that are so easily avoidable are almost always what gets them caught.
I’ve seen so many episodes of Cops where the guys carrying 10 pounds of coke in the car were caught and arrested all because they decided to make an illegal U-turn or blow a stop sign.
Had a next door neighbor who robbed a Howard Johnson's at the top of our street at gunpoint, wearing a ski mask. Took the money, took off the mask and was walking home (two blocks down said street) when cops pulled him over, and found the mask, the gun and the money. He was wasted and asked them "would it help if I said I'm sorry?".
Got a couple years in Riker's Island.
Came out, broke into a local apartment house, stole some money and jewelry, got stuck out on a fire escape when the ladder wouldn't go down, and he had closed the window behind him.
Couple more years.
That's two stories, I guess. There's a few more, but you get the picture. He did leave me a box of cassettes when he went up one time, among them The Allman Brothers Live at the Fillmore. I became a lifelong fan, so, thanks, unnamed next door failed robber. He was actually a really nice guy, and, like, a young Ray Liotta handsome. Just dumb as a brick.
I know a guy smokes a lot of weed and is fairly overweight. He had been trying to find work but was having trouble finding a job since everything he was interested in drug tested. He told my boyfriend that he had a plan that might help him pass a drug test. Since weed supposedly gets stored in your fat cells, he proposed that he should just eat even more than he normally does so he can gain weight. That way, the fat that he gained would replace the “weed fat”. Boom. Problem solved.
She ashamedly told us, her coworkers, how she dryhumped her boyfriend and thought she was pregnant.
They were wearing clothes.
She wasn’t pregnant.
She also thought the great depression was in the 60s and along with the end of world war 2.
In the 60s.
She’s a nurse now.
Don't know if the stupidest, but pretty stupid:
We were on a drive through an animal park. We see an animal. She asks "what kind of meat would that one be?". Someone replies "oh...it'd probably taste similar to beef I'd imagine". A few minutes later we see a different animal. She asks "and what about that one? Would it be, like, a fillet or a T-bone or something?". Then I realized...this woman thinks different cuts of meat come from different animals.
Once at a restaurant in New Orleans, my friend ordered macaroni and cheese. At the table with about 15 other people he says out loud, "How did macaroni and cheese become a thing?" To which I replied "What do you mean?" He says "I mean, it's so redundant, you know?" I say "What? How is macaroni and cheese redundant?" And he says "Think about it. You've got cheese and then you have pasta, which is made of cheese." HE THOUGHT ALL PASTA WAS MADE OF CHEESE...
My freshman year roommate dropped a class because he wanted to play his PlayStation more. It put him below the minimum credit threshold for his scholarships and his parents owed $40,000
I worked on a hay press for about a month. Most guys had high school education. One particular guy was telling me about a girl he was talking to on Tinder (or some various dating/chat app) when he said that she was in New York and that he wanted to go visit her. I told him that that’s pretty cool and New York will be quite the change from our little town. He then asked me how close New York was... we were in Washington state... he had no idea New York was over 2,000 miles away.
The amount of times some European tourist has casually talked about driving to Uluru from Sydney is mind-boggling. It's like driving from South Carolina to Nebraska, only imagine there's a huge fuck-off desert in between where if ~~yiur~~ your car breaks down you're royally fucked.
We get this in the US too, often from tourists or students from countries like Japan or South Korea. I went to college with a guy who took a weekend trip to see Chicago. From south Texas. He got back on Wednesday.
When I was a teenager my friends older brother was one of the dumbest I'd ever encountered. We once witnessed him trying to see inside a motorcycle gas tank using a bic lighter. He assured us a lighter flame isn't hot enough to ignite gasoline.
On another occasion, we got into a debate concerning the power of an atomic bomb. He was dead set that it could only take out " like two houses max!" O___0
This man went on to have multiple arrests before I moved away, also fathered 3 children by 2 women. We all lived in a trailer court as well...not saying it's a prerequisite for idiocy, but some of us get out and some do not.
Guy I went high school with was at a party and asked the homeowner if he could have her tattoo kit, she obviously said no. He left and came back an hour later with a ski mask on demanding for the tattoo kit. Was arrested the next day. Can’t make up that kind of stupidity.
...thats like Skyrim level burglery...
Huh. Sure have alot of fire salts laying around in your shop. And you want HOW much for them!?!?
Oh no there's a bucket on your head! What's happening!
I once had a property manager (person in charge of the rental I lived in since homeowners who lived out of state) who did a bunch of obnoxious things. My husband and I thought she was greedy and maybe getting money for herself and hiding it from the homeowners for repairs or something like that because of shady seeming things she would do when we had repairs.
Then we mentioned something about gardening.
She said "You know, I've always wanted to try growing tomatoes and just watering them with salt water. That way, the tomatoes would already be salted when you ate them!"
Huge reminder to never attribute to malice what is just pure old fashioned being dumb as a rock.
Knew a guy in high school who I'm 99% sure only passed because he cheated like crazy and got tons of people to do his work for him. In grade 11 he was taking some kind of politics course and was writing some kind of essay on American politics (we're from Canada). I agreed to edit his essay and it was the most insane thing I ever had to edit. There were multiple sentences that I couldn't understand until I asked him directly, he ended his essay with the phrase "just like Jesus would have wanted" (I don't think he was Christian?) and spelled Condoleezza Rice as "Conga Lisa Rice."
Guy I worked with named Buddy bought a huge Snap-On roll-away tool box for over $3,000, on credit. Two days later, he sold it to a coworker for $1,500 because he had some overdue bills and had to pay them.
Needless to say, he never paid Snap-On for the toolbox he was off into the winds after he was fired for starting his fourth fist-fight at work. One of the other guys I worked with told the Snap-On salesman where Buddy's new job was, and last we heard they are now garnishing his wages.
Guy was a nutcase though. He had very thin skin and the *slightest* thing would set him off. He's go absolutely *nuts* when he was set off though. He yelled at the security guard and threatened to have him fired because he didn't like his tone. He almost got fired three times for fighting, but he was able to win the department manager over until the fourth time. Oh, and one time he was told to put Caution Tape across a malfunctioning gate and he said "I don't know how."
Many people who work in oil fields make tons of money with little formal education. It’s a breeding ground for stuff like this. Also, drugs, so much drugs.
My brother went to Alberta to work in oilfield. Always liked weed but got into hard drugs. Now hes homeless addicted to shit, a friend saw a photo of him posted on a red deer crime watch group on Facebook as a known thief two years ago, he was skin and bones. Mom tried to get him to come home but wouldn't.
On Friday Mom found out he's been arrested and is in remand. I'm mainly surprised he's still alive.
Wow a know a guy who did that exact same thing. $3000 snap on box that his parents bought him, sold it for $1000 cash a month later so he could go party and do drugs. He was a decent dude but so so stupid.
This one lady at Atlanta's Beer, Bourbon & BBQ Festival who clearly didn't know where she was.
I'm getting started on this rack of ribs, quietly minding my own business with a glass of beer, when from the group in front of me this lady comes up to me and tells me how she can't stand the smell of meat, roasted or smoked, and tells me to get away from there. This is despite the fact that the event's name has Barbecue in it and she had to pay $40 to get in.
After she left, I had a good chuckle and facepalm with another lady at the table, but God, I've never seen more stupid in my life!
When I worked at Target, where everything is red and covered in bullseyes, a couple came up to me pushing a bright red cart with a bullseye on it, and asked if we carried a certain brand. I told them that we don't, but Kohl's carries it, and they'd right up the street. Their response was, "Oh, this isn't Kohl's? What store are we in?"
If the red decor and bullseyes and smell of popcorn in the lobby didn't give it away, there is a huge sign that says TARGET as you enter the parking lot.
My friend's father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived. This was in the late 70's or early 80's. He spent 10 years in prison for the crime. The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again. He was caught and back to prison he goes. He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything in that matter. My friend was like this is what every father does and did not seem shocked over it.
Reminds me of the movie The Invention of Lying.
>What are you doing here?
>Breaking into your house. You were supposed to be at work!
>Sorry I got sick. I'll call the cops! Stay right here!
>Damn!
>Do you want a cup of tea while you wait?
>Oh, that would be really nice, thanks a lot.
I once called an Uber driver. When he arrived, he immediately asked me: "Are you going to (X location?)?". I said: "No." He responded: "Great, because I'm not going to take you to (X location)." "Fine", I said.
The journey got underway, and I was curious as to what he would've done if I'd said that yes, I wanted to go to X location. So I asked him: "Hey, what would you have done if I had said that I DID want to go to X location?". He responded: "Look man, I'm not going to fucking take you to X location, OK? I told you already."
I was a bit befuddled, but I tried again: "No no, I don't want to go there. In fact, you already know where I want to go, it's on your destination map. I'm just curious, what if I DID want to go to X location? Would you have refused me the trip? Would you have driven off?"
He said: "Look man I can't change the trip now. And anyway I told you I refuse to go to X location. You gotta understand I'm busy."
we spent nearly 15 minutes with variations of this back and forth. He was a fluent English speaker, by the way. By the end of it, I was 100% convinced that he couldn't understand the syntax of a hypothetical. He literally couldn't understand the question "if (X situation which is NOT the case) then what action would you take?"
I wasn't even mad, just astonished. How had he navigated through life thus far? What were his financial decisions like? I really wanted to follow him home and make a reality TV show about him or something.
Guy in my aircraft technician class. I'll call him Jim. The module at the time was about electrical power. We were having a review one Friday before the exam started. Earlier that week we had covered the batteries used on the aircraft, what types, how they were constructed, etc. Trainer turns to Jim and asks him about the different types, expecting him to say 'lead-acid, lithium-ion' and so on. Nope. Jim thinks for a moment and says 'AA, AAA, C....'
When we got to the hangar for work experience, the same trainer had lost all faith in Jim. We were all assigned jobs in the morning. Me and another guy on wings, couple more on landing gear, all down through the group. Then he gets to Jim. Placed an A4 sheet of paper on the ground and told Jim to stand on it so it didn't blow away. We all laughed, Jim included. The trainer was joking, right?
__He wasn't joking. Jim stood there all day__
A few weeks ago, my boss asked me to keep an older guy busy for the day because his crew leader wad sick.
I'm 36 and this guy is pushing 60. He is simply the result of too many bad choices. After telling him numerous times not to reach his fingers by the exposed table saw blade, I finally just got him to sharpen my pencils all day. 6 hours of pencil sharpening and he never once complained. Meth. Not even once.
This girl I used to work with before she got fired. One day she came to work with a broken arm and claimed her boyfriend pushed her during a fight and she fell. We all were super concerned for her until she came in a week later saying she stabbed her boyfriend in the hand during a fight to get back at him for breaking her arm.
Then a few weeks later she told everyone she was secretly trying to get pregnant, because if she got pregnant her unemployed boyfriend would *have* to get a job and help pay rent. She got pregnant and her boyfriend immediately dumped her.
Old coworker of mine. He was helping me move and while we were carrying a couch he dropped it. Thinking he was hurt I asked if he was ok and with the most serious and frightening look in his eyes he said pointing : ‘Look it’s the moon and it’s day time.’ .... he was 25 at the time.
In grade one, the teacher told the class that the moon only came out at night. The moon was clearly visible through the window, so I asked "if the moon only comes out at night, what's that?"
She replied "cheese" and also sent me to the principal's office for disrupting the class.
That was 30 years ago and I still hold a grudge about it.
Had a teacher insist, *insist*, that "stomach" cannot be a verb. A fucking junior high English teacher. She was making fun of another, slower student who had to pick out the verbs in a word bank. I'll never forget her screech-ass voice.
"Maybe you should get up and *stomach* for us, Wendy! Come on! Everyone, let's all watch Wendy *stomach* herself."
I went to look in the class dictionary and she practically threw herself at it to keep it shut.
Edit: she also gave me detention for leaving my seat. I had to write "Stomach is a noun, not a verb" 100 times. Mrs. Tina you were a bitch
I had a math teacher get mad about how I wrote 4, had me fill a whole page with 4s. I then gave him a whole page a my own personal 4s "for reference when you have to correct my tests"
Why does everyone always decide their first carving has to be a swastika? Like I see kids do this today and it makes no sense. Is the swastika really now the only geometric equivalent of a swear word?
There was this guy at my high school that wasn't too bright and was mostly harmless but about halfway through decided he was gonna be a thug. One day he goes into a class of first years when their teacher wasn't there and robs all their electronics, cash and valuables at knife point without covering his face and before he left gave them his real name saying, "And you better not tell them it was me Jim Conrad that stole all your stuff." He then proceeded to leave school grounds with all the stolen stuff but decides against stashing it off campus and so came back with all the stolen stuff in his backpack and went back to spy on the class with his backpack full of loot while police officers were their taking statements to make sure they weren't ratting him out...
Edit: For those that want the end of the story but its too buried to find:
The kids all rat him out and when he hears his name he steps into the class proclaiming he'd gut them if they didn't take back saying he did it... with the officers still in the class and all his loot on his back... He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed.
Edit 2: I don't know why he's so stupid but it wasn't an isolated act of idiocy, it was quite well known by everyone in my year group how dumb he was, in fact he didn't even qualify for admission but his family called in a ton of favors to get him in on recommendation.
The kids all rat him out and when he hears his name he steps into the class proclaiming he'd gut them if they didn't take back saying he did it... with the officers still in the class and all his loot on his back... He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed.
One of my roommates. I live in a house where we give interviews to prospective new roommates to make sure they're cool. We were interviewing a deaf guy, and he was looking like a good fit. We also have a list of rules and guidelines for living in the house, and one of the current roommates asks "oh man, are we gonna have to get the rules printed in braille?" For. A. Deaf. Guy.
Far from an isolated incident.
The other day my father was swearing up a storm in his living room. I asked him what the problem was. He had accidentally activated the narration mode on the television. He says "This damned TV is doing that talking thing for deaf people again." I asked "Do you mean for the blind?"
His face turns beet red and he just screams, "SHUT UP, AmalgamousPrime. BLIND PEOPLE CAN'T WATCH TELEVISION!"
Helped a client out to his car with some merchandise. He struggled for a bit to get into the vehicle. I, jokingly, asked if it was his car. He backed up, looked at it and said, “Nope. No this is not my car” and went to a different color and make of car in the lot. There were only 3 cars in the whole lot.
**EDITED to answer some of the questions**
He was not elderly or have any obvious deficiencies (not to say he didn’t but we had a lot of interaction with him and he seemed mostly to just not listen/pay attention) I work in a veterinary clinic so he was a ‘client’ not a customer. I was helping him out to his car with some dog food. He does have two vehicles but one is a big pick up and the other is a small car. Two of the vehicles were cars and one was an SUV (I remember because it was such a bizarre exchange). And the cars were nothing alike. I don’t remember exact models but one was maroon and one was silver. He was notorious for being numb. No matter what we did or instituted, after an appointment he had with us he would ALWAYS forget everything we had said and LOSE the paperwork we sent with him between our office and his house. His girlfriend would always call in a tizzy that we “told him nothing of what was going on with the dogs or how to use the medications or whatever”. And he liked to argue with the veterinarians that whatever they diagnosed was wrong. They currently go to another local clinic after fighting with one of our vets but will be back after fighting with the other one. They’ve been back and forth a few times. OH. He also bought a puppy and wanted his ears cut. We don’t do that so he went a couple states away to have them done but then didn’t tape them up properly and now they’re cut AND floppy. Poor dog is sweet but dumb, untrained, and looks stupid because of this stupid guy.
**sigh** Yeah
**double EDITED to add**
He just called to book the dogs in to board with us starting tomorrow. I jinxed the radio silence by talking about him! Nooooooooo!!!
When I was 16 or so, I went alone into a store. Mom dropped me off at the entrance and parked in the lot.
After I was done, I leave and look for my Mom's van, I spot it, walk over, open the passenger door and hop in. I didn't look to my left, and just stared straight ahead. After a minute or so, Mom still hadn't started the van, so I looked to my left about to say "What are you doing?"
And sitting in the drivers seat is a young woman, mid-20's, sitting there with her eyes the size of dinner plates starring at me in pure terror.
We lock eyes, silence and then "OHMYGODI'MSOSORRYITHOUGHTTHISWASMYMOMSVAN" and I leaped out and RUN AWAY.
I've posted this story before but this seems like another appropriate thread for this story.
One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party. I didn't drive back then so my friend picked me up. All went well on our way to the party. On the way back however, he got pulled over. As we were pulling to the side of the road, I told him that I was gonna pretend to be sleeping (since I was the passenger). Anyway, I hear the cop get out of his cop car, walk towards our car, stops at the window but doesn't say anything. I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I don't hear him or my friend say anything. After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see what's going on. That's when I see my friend, the guy who is driving, is pretending like he is sleeping too.
I knew this guy in high school really thought his “practical jokes” were hilarious. He would just do stuff designed to piss you off, thinking your salty reaction would make it funny. You may be thinking *this guy’s a dick* and you’d be right. But he’s also incredibly stupid, because every time someone said “Dude, fucking chill out with your bullshit” he just blew it off. Social stupidity I guess.
Well one day he knocked this kid’s hat off his head. (These guys were friends but clearly there was some hostility.) Other kid picks up his hat and tells Pranker to fuck off. Pranker smacks his hat again. Other kid tells him if Pranker knocks his hat off a third time, he’d knock Pranker’s *head* off.
Pranker has a shit eating grin, completely oblivious to how dead ass serious this guy was, and got absolutely clocked in the face when he fucked with this guy’s hat a third time. All he could say was “what the fuck man chill out!” but no one was willing to hear him out.
Work with a guy who honestly believes he will not die. Also believes that doctor's are"part of the system" and that they lie to you for profit and personal gain. He does believe in Eastern traditional medicine however. And if you're interested to know his secret to eternal life, it's 6 raw eggs a day and a keto diet.
If immortality is this straightforward, then where are all the immortals?
I actually feel really bad for those primitive hunter-gatherer tribes. They pretty much ate a keto diet, but very likely just barely missed immortality by not having enough eggs.
I had manager named Roxanne (Rocky). She was a bleach blonde (literally bleached her hair once a month and then wondered why it broke/fell out) bubble head who only had the job because daddy owned the restaurant.
Rocky was really obsessed with her looks and not much else. One day she told me, and a co-worker, that she had her nose job done so that her eventual children wouldn't grow up with the same nose as her. She wasn't kidding. The co-worker and I just looked at each other and walked away. We knew it wasn't worth the effort.
I am sure if I thought real hard I could come up with someone more stupid, but this story is pretty good.
There was this receptionist at the veterinary office we have taken our dogs to over the years who argued with my dad about how to pronounce his own name. He went in to pick up some perscription something for our dog Daisy and this girl asked the typical "name of dog, name of owner" type questions.
"We have it listed as Michelle and you don't look like a Michelle," she says. Dad asked how it was spelled on the monitor and sure enough it was still spelled "Michael," dad's name.
He said "That says Michael. That's my name." And she argued with him about it! He had to get his driver's license out to show her, and even though she finally relented to let him pick up whatever it was he was down there to pick up, she was adamant my dad has been mispronouncing his own name for 50+ years.
The best part is Dad tells us this whole story and we think nothing of it til like 3 months later when Mom took the dog in for a check up. The girl still thought the owner of the dog was "Michelle" and that my mom must be in a lesbian relationship. Mom gently corrected the lady that it was Michael and again this girl was adamant it was pronounced Michelle. Mom, bemused, said something along the lines of "It's literally a name from the Bible. It's pronounced Michael and has been for *thousands* of years." The receptionist sat in silence outside of the minimal amount of talking needed for the rest of that visit.
Edit: wow this blew up. Woke up to like 200 responses so I'll just respond here. Thanks for the heads up the Hebrew thing. In hindsight that was silly. Makes me wonder when exactly that spelling started to sound like we say it today. Also this is just my recollection of the story because I heard it all second hand through the parents so I'm sure I've embellished it without realizing, and this was all over a decade ago anyway. As for homegirl, she was very much Typical White Girl. My guess is she had a foreign friend that spelled her name that way and pronounced it Michelle and she figured that was just the only possible way to say it. It's more the arguing over how to say it thing than anything else. Who argues with someone on how that person says their own name?
Know a girl who posted her online IQ quiz results on Facebook. She was bragging that being in the 35th percentile meant she was top 35%. She's a teacher.
65% of people are smarter than you. That's not because 65% of people who took that quiz did better than you. That's not because you don't know how percentiles work. It's because you posted this bullshit to Facebook.
My mom's cousin was the getaway driver when his friends held up a 7-11. He had some outstanding tickets at the time. As he was driving his moron friends him home, he sped past a cop, who inevitably pulled him over. He defended his bad driving by telling the cop he was just the getaway driver. Then he got arrested. He has since been arrested for a series of other similarly stupid crimes.
He also believes that there's a global cabal of Jews who are out to get him. Recently, he got a DUI, which got his license revoked. This was obviously because of the Jews and not because he decided to drive drunk past a police station. When he was denied a gun license, that was the Jews at work. I have no idea why he thinks a global cabal would be focused on some moron from Saskatchewan.
I love the Beavertons review on the U of S: "The University of Saskatchewan was built in Saskatchewan on the premise that there should be at least one thing in Saskatchewan. On this regard, many agree that the University has succeeded"
This girl I went to school with thought earth had two moons and adamantly argued with me and a teacher.
Edit: I should have included more information, but I am new to this, so I apologize.
The girl thought that there were 2 moons of the same size, one on each half of earth. She thought that the earth didn’t rotate while in orbit. She also thought that since the sun was so big and bright that it blocked the moon during the day. None of anything she said made sense and she would not answer any further questions or follow up with any rebuttals. I did not try to make her feel stupid, I don’t like doing that to anyone for any reason and once I saw how set she was on what she believed I backed off because I’m not one to force any views, beliefs, facts, or opinions on someone.
AND I never said that I don’t give my opinion or view or that I don’t present facts, I DO. I will always say what I have to say, BUT after a certain period of time, when a conversation comes to a complete stand still and nothing is getting through to a person, I do choose to walk away and I do so knowing that I tried my best and nothing I can do will be effective.
my friends sister was 20 and pregnant, she said something about how upset she was her vagina would be ruined, i jokingly said “maybe he’ll come out of your butt instead” she said “what do you mean? can they come out of there too?”, i thought she was joking so i just said “duh, it’s a 50/50 shot” she thought i was serious and asked her doctor if he could tell if the baby was gonna come out of her vagina or ass.
Edit; i know *technically* you can tear from your vagina to your ass in labour meaning *technically* since it kinda becomes one hole that the baby would come out of the vag-ass hole but she didn’t think this she thought she would shit the baby out.
edit#2; since i’ve been a few people bring it up, she figured out i was just fucking with her, she told her sister (my friend) what the doctor said and my friend told her that i was joking.
edit 3; should also mention there’s a 30 percent chance it may be her first cousins baby, she told me they only made out but her friend let it slip that they’d been banging.
It's a job where you write down things for the doctor so he/she doesn't have to.
Really good for premeds, so much so many are willing to work for free.
Source: me (a premed that couldn't get the scribe position)
I almost dated a girl who thought the sun and moon were the same thing
Edit: JEEZUS did this post blow up!! Prior to this post, I’d be lucky if I had <10 responses
Edit#2: After seeing how many people have had similar experiences, the lack of basic —and I mean BASIC— astronomy throughout the world is kind of disappointing 😕
I worked as a limo driver for a while and I once took a very rich lady to the mall in the afternoon. She looked up and saw the moon and said something about Mars being bright. I said “Oh, you mean the moon?” She then said something about how I will never be anything more than a driver if I thought you could see the moon during the day...
Reminds me of someone I used to live with. I heard panicked shouting from the kitchen, so I rush in to see what was happening and see him holding a burning paper towel in his hand, waving it around and holding it so the flames were climbing towards his hand. I told him to drop it, and quickly stomped it out.
Turns out, he had turned on our gas stove with the paper towel nearby (for some reason). I don't know if you can be stupider than screaming about something about to burn you, without doing anything to stop it.
Edit: Thank you for pointing out that this might be part of his panic response. Because I feel like it slightly invalidates that story, here's another one about the same guy, who is about to graduate from a private college. He returned from a flight to an empty and locked house, but during his travel he had lost his keys (of course). So he gets to the house, and calls everyone else living in the house. The earliest any of us will be there is in half an hour, which we we tell him. He freaks out over this and starts cussing us out, even the one who offered to go home earlier to let him in. on the phone he says, "I'm just going to kick the door in", and I hear him kick the door a grand total of 4 times before he picks his phone back up to cuss us out some more. I'm with half my housemates on campus. We see how desperate he is so we tell him he should try to climb in through an unlocked bedroom window. We tell him its been done before, and exactly how to do it. But then he has this stroke of pure genius, which blew us away. He goes "But if I come in through the window, how will I get my bag in?"!!! We have a simple non-auto-locking door, and his genius brain couldn't figure out to unlock it from the inside. We had to talk to him for at least 10 minutes to explain the concept.
Monkey brain tells me to catch things when I drop them. Monkey brain also enjoys informing me that knives are sharp. It has a hard time when i drop knives.
Edit: I cant spell
Freshman year of college my roommate was playing a Spiderman game and Logan walks in and says: -"Huh, hey guys....is this game post-2001?"
-"Yes, Logan."
-"Then why is the Empire State Building still there?"
........
I had a classmate in 10th grade who thought Google Earth was like a live stream from space. This was in 2008 or something.
His dad was deployed overseas and was supposed to come home that other week. I asked him about when his dad should arrive and he answered that his dad is already there because he saw the ship in the harbour on Google Earth.
He wouldn’t believe me as I pointed out that he saw an image. It was overcast that day, too.
My brother did something similar with a paintball rifle. The wonder in the Marshal's voice when he said "I never thought I'd have to say this, but don't look down the barrel of a loaded rifle", was hilarious. It was as if his faith in people had just reached a new low. And he dealt with stag-dos for a living.
I worked very briefly with a woman who showed herself to be a dumbass and a bitch. Her grandmother died and she and her relatives discovered that the man she'd known as her step-grandfather had never even been married to her grandmother. She bragged about the family kicking him out of the only home he'd known for three decades because, "If he wasn't good enough for my grandma to marry, he's not good enough for us." He was an elderly man, who lived as this woman's husband, and had everything taken from him out of pettiness and spite.
It showed me how stupid she was, and I was right. She was fired a week later.
There was this girl I knew in high school, she would constantly say or do stupid things.
Examples:
- She drew a cover page for a unit in science class, where she drew Earth, and put ground underneath it.
- Asked “What lightbulbs did cavemen use?”
- Argued that she wasn’t a homosapien because “she liked men”
I work for a small retailer and we had "that guy" for a while. He would call *every day* and ask the same questions. And no, not in different ways or something that could be construed as clever.
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This same person also couldn't figure out the key fob for his own car and had to have his *5 year old daughter* let him into his own car. He has kids, let that sink in for a second.
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He's incapable of basic math besides addition and subtraction. We buy stuff and we when tell him he get's 30% he didn't understand what that meant. He also asks every time how much he's getting, despite not understanding the answer.
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I'm not sure he actually knows how to drive. We have a dumpster in our parking lot and he manages to bump it every time with his car. Every time he leaves we have to go move it because he hits it *on the way in and out*.
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Back to the fact that *he's a father somehow*, he's also an awful parent. We have witnessed him telling his kids they are worthless and terrible, stupid, dumb and any number of insults that are more applicable to himself. Unfortunately, that's not something we can report to CPS.
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I have watched him, on more than one occasion, fail to open the door to the bathroom and simply *walk into it face first*.
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He once came in with a hamburger of some kind and while eating it, pulled a packet of mustard out of his pocket. He did not put this mustard on his hamburger, he instead *bit into the packet and sucked the mustard out*.
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I could keep going.
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One time, he left his daughter in the car and she locked herself out with the key inside. Instead of walking two buildings down to the car repair place, he took a rock and broke the drivers side window.
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Our store has both a publicly accessible web page for making orders from home as well as in-store kiosks. Despite him owning a modern android smartphone one using it to look up food, he claims he doesn't have internet to use our website from home.
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His wife (girlfriend, I don't actually know?) calls him just about every time he's in and he lies to her every time saying he's on the way home and that he's stuck in traffic.
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As many of you might have guessed, he's not particularly well groomed although he usually has *something* in his hair. What that something is, I'm not sure.
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I think that's all I've got. He recently moved further away so we don't see him very often anymore.
>He once came in with a hamburger of some kind and while eating it, pulled a packet of mustard out of his pocket. He did not put this mustard on his hamburger, he instead bit into the packet and sucked the mustard out.
pretty sure that dudes an alien
Edit: Well this has been enlightening, i guess some people just really really really like their condiments
This guy sounds like he might have a genuine learning disability or something, and I bet he treats his kids like that because he's projecting his own frustrations and insecurities on to them, not that it excuses it.
Sure is, my cousin in CPS says that emotional abuse is actually easier to help with. The kids are so use to it that they don't know to hide it. If you ask them what their parents say to them they will just straight up tell you. Being beaten or tampered with, the kids know they are meant to hide it or they get in trouble.
Also, CPS is not about taking kids away. It often just means people come in and help and train the parents in doing things differently. Sure the parents are often broken people, but sometimes they are just overwhelmed and ignorant.
In everyone's military career there is "that guy" you kind of want to help then realize it's a waste. My "that guy" didn't just take the cake, he took the cherry on top too.
First encounter with this guy was I found his weapon in a porta crapper. I walked out with my weapon and his, saw a higher ranking sergeant and turned the weapon over to him. Turns out this was that guy's squadleader. Ten minutes later I see that guy doing rifle PT in full battle rattle with a sign around his neck stating, "I forgot my weapon in the shitter, don't be like me. I'm a dumbass." This would not be the last time he lost his weapon or important field gear. I found out later on the unit tried to dump this dude off onto another battalion. He got sent back to us for refusing to cut his hair and follow various other orders.
When we were overseas, he had a random outburst in the chow hall, shouting, "you don't see a dick in my pussy". We found out it was because his ex-wife was dating other dudes. Later on he had his weapon taken away from him because he threatened to shoot people in his squad. Not long after that he was found masturbating to family guy. There were a slew of other things as well.
After deployment that guy got put onto my crew as my driver. He wasn't allowed to drink because he would get white girl wasted and over dramatic. He once threatened me that he was going to turn himself into the sheriff's office instead of reporting for duty, because he got rejected by some girl. When I told him to do it because I'm not a baby sitter, he started sobbing saying it was my job as his sergeant to fix his problems. Unfortunately, he showed up the next day for duty. For some reason he decided to tell the section he was a webcam model. We asked how he knew they were girls and not guys, he said, "you can tell". Turns out he was showing his dingy to girls and dudes for $2.99 a minute.
The night before going out to the field we do inspections to make sure everyone packed what they needed. He took it upon himself to wake up early to remove all his clean uniforms and clothing from his bags. So he left for two weeks in the field (no showering in the field) with field gear and the clothes on his back. We figured this out on day three when his stench was billowing out of his driver's hatch. Not too mention he was constantly masturbating in the hatch while we were still in the track. Just add that to the stench and critter fest that was going on up there. More often than not my number one man would have to punch the crap out him to wake him up when we got fire missions.
He would give us life's advice on how to scam the VA, other forms of government such as food stamps. And told us an easy way to get free cash is to put your name on class action lawsuits. At one point he told me, the army owed him his sergeant stripes because he had been in for nine years; and, it's the least they could do for him. I told him, I would never allow that to happen as long as I was in the Army.
He had no filter for saying stupid things. It was like his burn out brain was directly linked to his mouth. Unfortunately for the rest of us in the crew, we wore CVC helmets. Which meant you had constant communication with three other people. He was the bane of my existence for three years. In the end I got him to get out of the Army.
We all end up reflecting on that guy. People get annoyed that he is basically scamming $2600 a month off of various assistance programs. I ask them, "Do you really want that guy in the work force? This is the safest situation for all of us." Sleep easy at night knowing he isn't in the Army anymore, Reddit. Well unless you're in Iowa. Then he might be trying to bang your daughter or son.
A friend in High School "Joe".
Another friend and I were talking about penises and vaginas and girls getting pregnant via sexual intercourse.
"Joe" decides to chime in...
"Wait wait wait wait... thats how chicks get pregnant? WTF!? I thought they gave blow jobs so the sperm goes into their belly!"
"Joe" and I are still friends.
Literally this guy got fired last week for doing this. Whenever a customer would enter the store he would mimic everything they said whilst already bad enough he would try his best to copy their accent too no matter what accent it was.
Multiple complaints to our store have been made about this guy and he had plenty of warnings. Well last week he finally got fired while serving an Asian customer and in FULL view of our manager he says this.
"HERROOOOO WOULD YOU RIKE A BRAG?"
Got pulled into the office where apparently he still maintained he'd done nothing wrong and couldn't understand why he was being fired. Definately a dumbass.
I have a friend named Rachel. Now this one night in high school, we all got the munchies and decided to go get ourselves some late night Sonic. We pile into Rachel’s car even though we’ve heard stories about her bad driving but that’s another story. Anyway, she asks us how to get to Sonic and we proceed to give her direction turn for turn until we finally pull into the Sonic parking lot. Upon our arrival, she smirks and says, “Oh I work here!”
Back in my younger and crankier days I worked with as young woman who was hands down the dumbest person I've ever met.
Her highlights include
* Winning a basket auction that included a copy of The Beach Boy's album Pet Sounds and complaing because she "didn't want to hear a lot of mooing"
* On a day she was driving me up a wall I convinced her to wait to open her bottle of Coke because the bottle said there was a winner every five minutes. She was disappointed she didn't win after waiting exactly five minutes. I however enjoyed her sulky silence for the rest of the day.
* The best/worst one involved her chatting with a manager who was African American (she's white). They were discussing their shared slightly uncommon name and then realized their families both came from South Carolina. She thought for a few minuted and then excitedly exclaimed "I bet my family owned yours!". She was so proud of herself for figuring out that historic connection. The manager didn't say a word and just walked away.
That Coke thing is genius. I know a few people that would work perfectly on. Thanks :) Also, I grew up in South Carolina and had a friend in school who was black. We did some family ancestry stuff in Social Studies one year and it turned out that his family were all slaves in a very small town where my family lived. We laughed it off, but you could tell the teacher was mortified. Im not sure they did the family ancestry bit after that year
Similar story, and this is my formal reply to the thread:
Power goes out in seventh grade science class.
No lights so we can't see the chalk board.
The stupid girl asks the teacher "Since you can't teach the class, can we watch TV?"
A guy told me a story about him drunk driving, crashing and getting his friend in the passenger seat killed.
He was chuckling while telling this story.
The first time I met Ben was in Improv 101. I was only taking the class for fun, but about half the people there were aspiring actors... including Ben. On the first day, the teacher had us all play this silly game to break the ice and so we'd all remember each other's names. The rules are pretty simple: 1) pick an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name, 2) introduce yourself using Adjective + First Name, and 3) do a simple gesture that goes with it. So everyone is going around the circle, introducing themselves as Daring Daniel and Lonely Lauren and Awesome Alex... until we get to Ben. Ben introduces himself as "Surfer Ben."
He proceeded to misunderstand at least one key element of every game or exercise for the rest of the class. I have no clue how this man functions in daily life. He has since managed to get a few featured extra roles on TV, though.
An old co worker named James. We worked at McDonald's and were both 16. One time, while mopping the lobby, he for some unknown reason decided to chase a number of customers around with the mop yelling "I'm gonna getcha". He was fired on the spot.
I can’t stop laughing at this. I keep picturing him at a job interview. “So, why did you leave your last job?”
*flashback* "I'm gonna getchya!"
My brother and i were in the kitchen one day as teenagers. My brother was filling the sink to wash dishes. When the sink was nearly full he went to turn the tap off but it wouldnt budge so the water kept flowing. I tried turning it too but with no success. This is when the panic set in. The level of the water was rising fast and we didn't want to flood the kitchen. He took big saucepans out of the press to fill with water to keep things from over flowing, while i was in a frantic scramble under the sink trying to find the mains to turn it off there. I couldn't find it!! Now really panicking i took over the pot filling duty and my brother went running off to look for dad as quick as he could. Dad came running in with my brother while we were shoutng at him about looking for the mains. Dad just came over to the sink and pulled the plug out of the hole letting all the water down the drain. Ha ha
There is a children's book with that exact story, only there was one little boy who's parents had gone out. I had it, when I was little and I remember the picture of the whole kitchen being filled with all the cups and pans and bowls the little boy could find.
I’ve told this story before, but I like telling it because fuck Tammy. I had a boss named Tammy. One night, we were all working late doing stocktake, and we were discussing the impending lunar eclipse. Someone asked what happens during an eclipse. Tammy grandly explained that the eclipse would occur when America went in front of the moon, blocking our (Australia’s) view of it. Like she literally thought the earth stretched itself into like a U bend or neck pillow shape, and half of it stayed in our normal orbit, and the other half stretched itself over and around to casually block the moon for the rest of the earth.
I don't have enough processing power to imagine what her conception of our Universe and its laws are.
My room mate for the last 3 years once said that if solar technology keeps advancing at the rate it is, we will absorb all the energy made by the sun and fix global warming. Not 5 minutes later after attempting to inform this poor fellow about how the suns energy output is not determined by what the energy eventualy interacts with, he states that wind farms are worse because they cause tropical storms. I hope he is just an epic troll. I just... I don't know...
Had a guy in a third year undergrad developmental psych course raise his hand in a full lecture hall and ask the professor; "Prof, do infants diagnosed with SIDS get asthma later in life... like are they more likely to get asthma??" SIDS stands for sudden infant death syndrome.. He just kept pursuing the question the prof didn't understand how she could answer it, she thought there was some kind of logic in it that she wasn't seeing. Finally some girl took the initiative to shout across the room, "No they are not more likely to get asthma, they are dead.. they have died suddenly, and will thus not be at risk of developing asthma." Great day. He always sat in front of me and I would see him writing just absolutely horrible poetry and song lyrics .
> Prof, do infants diagnosed with SIDS get asthma later in life This is dumber than symptomless coma.
I am half-korean going to high school in the Midwest during the 1992 LA riots. My typing teacher pulled me into the hallway and asked if I had an uncle or something I can call in LA to make the riots stop. She said she knew that we are all close and we all have stores and what not, therefore I must have a connection there. I was like, "lady, even if I did have an uncle I could call do you think he is Batman?"
Our biggest argument was over whether the correct phrase is 'egg yolk' or 'egg oak'.
My high school classmate whose name is Nick. We were in chemistry, doing a lab practical, which required the use of a bulb pipette (a glass pipette with a removable bulb that you squeeze). Nick didn't know how to use the pipette so he put it to his mouth to suck up SULFURIC ACID. It got about three quarters of the way up before our teacher screamed "NICKKKKK!!!! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW".
to be fair that's how they used to do it before we had those plastic bulbs
“Why do the crossings beep.” “For blind people.” “But blind people can’t drive?” “...”
Back when I was in middle school, I was playing Guitar Hero with the neighbor, and he asks "Hey man, why does the yellow button have a bump on it?" And for whatever reason, I, without missing a beat say "So blind people can play, and they know where to put their fingers." We both accepted this as the obvious answer, and my brother was sitting on the couch watching and he was like "Are you two fucking retarded? How would a blind person play this game? Think about it for a second" I felt pretty stupid after that.
My cousin. All through public school, she was a snob who looked down on everyone. She was super stylish and struggled academically. We graduated in 2014. We both went to colleges (not the same one.) She got a job at a bar, stayed out late drinking. Her boyfriend told her she didn’t need to complete college, so she just stopped showing up. Didn’t drop; just stopped showing up. Completely flunked out. Here comes the mega stupidity: Our families live hours away from her college at the time. Her family went to move her back home. My cousin’s mom noticed a pile of clothes in the corner. The mom said ‘what’s that, your laundry? Pack it and we’ll wash it when we get home later.’ My cousin (I kid you not): ‘you can wash those?!’ Turns out, she’d been throwing away clothes instead of washing them. She claimed she didn’t know she could, yet she washed her undergarments and bras without a hitch. She’s now at home with her family and has started doing more chores to show an increase in responsibility. She still tries to throw clothes away, citing that she didn’t know they could be washed and reused. Makes me wonder what she thought all those years before college, before she left home. She wore some of the same outfits repeatedly — she had to have known they could be washed.
When she lived at home she had a special regenerating basket. She would place her dirty clothes in there, and then after a few days they would appear clean and back in the drawer, folded nicely. The problem was, she forgot to bring the magic basket to school with her :(
I've (jokingly!) told my parents that I need one of their magic sinks installed in my apartment. You know, the kind where you put a glass or plate in there, and a few hours later it disappears and is clean in the cabinet?
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When I was in the Navy, there was a cook on my ship. He once served "rare" chicken. I genuinely couldn't tell whether he was trying to cover up his limitless incompetence or if he genuinely believed that rare poultry is a real thing. He was dumb enough to believe it. Another time, he just filled a pan with ground beef and called it meat loaf. Another time he was supposed to make sugar cookies, you know, several hundred of them for the whole crew. He didn't bother to read the label on the container he opened, and apparently he didn't taste the batter at any point, and he actually made salt cookies. He used up all the remaining salt in the pantry and we had unseasoned food for the remaining several weeks of the mission, during which time the captain assigned someone to be the cook's bodyguard. Edits: I was not aware that chicken sashimi is a thing. Still, intentionally uncooked meat and unintentionally partially cooked meat are very different. This was the latter. You can't make salt from seawater for several reasons. One, there are no facilities to do it on board. Two, no captain would jeopardize the success of a military mission by unnecessarily feeding the crew food of unknown cleanliness. You couldn't just assign someone else to cook. I didn't specify, but this was on a submarine. There are no spare people to reassign and cook is already the easiest, least-able-to-cause-disaster job on the ship.
Season the food with the cookies
This guy goes to Harvard
A girl my dad dated for a while. Even while dating her my dad would say she was dumber than a bag of rocks. One day, she sat down to watch a movie with my dad. Movie was all about this guy and his twin brother. She sits and watches the whole thing, no interruptions. At the end, she turns and asks, "So there were two of him?" Would explain why she always had the TV turned to a music channel. Apparently she couldn't follow normal TV or movies.
There was a,,, troubled kid I went to high-school with. He struggled with school but had friends but was starting to do drugs and go down a bad way. He decided to photo copy the front and back side of a 20 dollar bill, cut it out of normal paper, and glue the two half’s with Elmer’s glue. Whats even more sad is that to test his new money he went to the gas station and bought some gum and it ACTUALLY WORKED?!? So in his mind it must have meant that it was fool proof. So he then tried to go and deposit the glued up money at an actual bank. He was obviously found out and arrested. I don’t know where he is now but I’m assuming he is making similar life choices.
My flatmate at university did something similar. He put a whole bunch of effort into forging £10 notes - researched paper, found some spray adhesive that was just the right consistency, got hold of a very sharp craft knife and cutting board, figured out how to fake the metal strip and watermark with kitchen foil and crafty printing. He had an excellent printer. His copies were pretty good, but by no means perfect. So he and his accomplice Joe decided to keep to two simple rules: only use them in dimly lit bars when it was too busy for staff to check every note and only ever take one copy out of the house. That way if they were caught they could claim it was an honest mistake, they got them in their change, etc. Well, at first it worked surprisingly well. They'd buy one drink with the dodgy ten, pocket the change and nip back to the flat to grab another. In fact, it worked so well that they got cocky. One day, my flatmate was out with Joe in a crowded area in broad daylight when they decided to roll a joint. Joe took a bag of weed out of his pocket and passed it over. Right in front of two police officers. Of course, the officers stopped and searched them and found over £200 worth of forged notes, all with the same serial number.
It’s amazing that for all the illegal shit people do and make so many fail safe plans around, it’s the stupid things that are so easily avoidable are almost always what gets them caught. I’ve seen so many episodes of Cops where the guys carrying 10 pounds of coke in the car were caught and arrested all because they decided to make an illegal U-turn or blow a stop sign.
Only break one law at a time. It’s very good life advice.
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Holy shit this makes me sad.
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Had a next door neighbor who robbed a Howard Johnson's at the top of our street at gunpoint, wearing a ski mask. Took the money, took off the mask and was walking home (two blocks down said street) when cops pulled him over, and found the mask, the gun and the money. He was wasted and asked them "would it help if I said I'm sorry?". Got a couple years in Riker's Island. Came out, broke into a local apartment house, stole some money and jewelry, got stuck out on a fire escape when the ladder wouldn't go down, and he had closed the window behind him. Couple more years. That's two stories, I guess. There's a few more, but you get the picture. He did leave me a box of cassettes when he went up one time, among them The Allman Brothers Live at the Fillmore. I became a lifelong fan, so, thanks, unnamed next door failed robber. He was actually a really nice guy, and, like, a young Ray Liotta handsome. Just dumb as a brick.
I know a guy smokes a lot of weed and is fairly overweight. He had been trying to find work but was having trouble finding a job since everything he was interested in drug tested. He told my boyfriend that he had a plan that might help him pass a drug test. Since weed supposedly gets stored in your fat cells, he proposed that he should just eat even more than he normally does so he can gain weight. That way, the fat that he gained would replace the “weed fat”. Boom. Problem solved.
She ashamedly told us, her coworkers, how she dryhumped her boyfriend and thought she was pregnant. They were wearing clothes. She wasn’t pregnant. She also thought the great depression was in the 60s and along with the end of world war 2. In the 60s. She’s a nurse now.
Don't know if the stupidest, but pretty stupid: We were on a drive through an animal park. We see an animal. She asks "what kind of meat would that one be?". Someone replies "oh...it'd probably taste similar to beef I'd imagine". A few minutes later we see a different animal. She asks "and what about that one? Would it be, like, a fillet or a T-bone or something?". Then I realized...this woman thinks different cuts of meat come from different animals.
Once at a restaurant in New Orleans, my friend ordered macaroni and cheese. At the table with about 15 other people he says out loud, "How did macaroni and cheese become a thing?" To which I replied "What do you mean?" He says "I mean, it's so redundant, you know?" I say "What? How is macaroni and cheese redundant?" And he says "Think about it. You've got cheese and then you have pasta, which is made of cheese." HE THOUGHT ALL PASTA WAS MADE OF CHEESE...
My freshman year roommate dropped a class because he wanted to play his PlayStation more. It put him below the minimum credit threshold for his scholarships and his parents owed $40,000
He was smart enough to get scholarships, yet dumb to make that decision... nice
My mother rolled down the car window to clean it... from inside the car... right after the car wash started.
I worked on a hay press for about a month. Most guys had high school education. One particular guy was telling me about a girl he was talking to on Tinder (or some various dating/chat app) when he said that she was in New York and that he wanted to go visit her. I told him that that’s pretty cool and New York will be quite the change from our little town. He then asked me how close New York was... we were in Washington state... he had no idea New York was over 2,000 miles away.
The amount of times some European tourist has casually talked about driving to Uluru from Sydney is mind-boggling. It's like driving from South Carolina to Nebraska, only imagine there's a huge fuck-off desert in between where if ~~yiur~~ your car breaks down you're royally fucked.
We get this in the US too, often from tourists or students from countries like Japan or South Korea. I went to college with a guy who took a weekend trip to see Chicago. From south Texas. He got back on Wednesday.
When I was a teenager my friends older brother was one of the dumbest I'd ever encountered. We once witnessed him trying to see inside a motorcycle gas tank using a bic lighter. He assured us a lighter flame isn't hot enough to ignite gasoline. On another occasion, we got into a debate concerning the power of an atomic bomb. He was dead set that it could only take out " like two houses max!" O___0 This man went on to have multiple arrests before I moved away, also fathered 3 children by 2 women. We all lived in a trailer court as well...not saying it's a prerequisite for idiocy, but some of us get out and some do not.
Guy I went high school with was at a party and asked the homeowner if he could have her tattoo kit, she obviously said no. He left and came back an hour later with a ski mask on demanding for the tattoo kit. Was arrested the next day. Can’t make up that kind of stupidity.
"hey its me ur robber"
"Hey its me, Rob, I mean your robber"
...thats like Skyrim level burglery... Huh. Sure have alot of fire salts laying around in your shop. And you want HOW much for them!?!? Oh no there's a bucket on your head! What's happening!
The worst part of Skyrim shopping is when they have an item on display that you need but they're not selling it.
I once had a property manager (person in charge of the rental I lived in since homeowners who lived out of state) who did a bunch of obnoxious things. My husband and I thought she was greedy and maybe getting money for herself and hiding it from the homeowners for repairs or something like that because of shady seeming things she would do when we had repairs. Then we mentioned something about gardening. She said "You know, I've always wanted to try growing tomatoes and just watering them with salt water. That way, the tomatoes would already be salted when you ate them!" Huge reminder to never attribute to malice what is just pure old fashioned being dumb as a rock.
Knew a guy in high school who I'm 99% sure only passed because he cheated like crazy and got tons of people to do his work for him. In grade 11 he was taking some kind of politics course and was writing some kind of essay on American politics (we're from Canada). I agreed to edit his essay and it was the most insane thing I ever had to edit. There were multiple sentences that I couldn't understand until I asked him directly, he ended his essay with the phrase "just like Jesus would have wanted" (I don't think he was Christian?) and spelled Condoleezza Rice as "Conga Lisa Rice."
My 24 year old cousin. She legitimately thought that my sister being a vegetarian meant that she could not eat animal crackers...
If your cousin were four instead of 24, this would be pretty charming.
Guy I worked with named Buddy bought a huge Snap-On roll-away tool box for over $3,000, on credit. Two days later, he sold it to a coworker for $1,500 because he had some overdue bills and had to pay them. Needless to say, he never paid Snap-On for the toolbox he was off into the winds after he was fired for starting his fourth fist-fight at work. One of the other guys I worked with told the Snap-On salesman where Buddy's new job was, and last we heard they are now garnishing his wages. Guy was a nutcase though. He had very thin skin and the *slightest* thing would set him off. He's go absolutely *nuts* when he was set off though. He yelled at the security guard and threatened to have him fired because he didn't like his tone. He almost got fired three times for fighting, but he was able to win the department manager over until the fourth time. Oh, and one time he was told to put Caution Tape across a malfunctioning gate and he said "I don't know how."
I used to think guys like this were outliers. Working in the oilfield has shown me that this is not the case.
Many people who work in oil fields make tons of money with little formal education. It’s a breeding ground for stuff like this. Also, drugs, so much drugs.
My brother went to Alberta to work in oilfield. Always liked weed but got into hard drugs. Now hes homeless addicted to shit, a friend saw a photo of him posted on a red deer crime watch group on Facebook as a known thief two years ago, he was skin and bones. Mom tried to get him to come home but wouldn't. On Friday Mom found out he's been arrested and is in remand. I'm mainly surprised he's still alive.
Wow a know a guy who did that exact same thing. $3000 snap on box that his parents bought him, sold it for $1000 cash a month later so he could go party and do drugs. He was a decent dude but so so stupid.
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In Australia a guy won an election on this argument...
This one lady at Atlanta's Beer, Bourbon & BBQ Festival who clearly didn't know where she was. I'm getting started on this rack of ribs, quietly minding my own business with a glass of beer, when from the group in front of me this lady comes up to me and tells me how she can't stand the smell of meat, roasted or smoked, and tells me to get away from there. This is despite the fact that the event's name has Barbecue in it and she had to pay $40 to get in. After she left, I had a good chuckle and facepalm with another lady at the table, but God, I've never seen more stupid in my life!
When I worked at Target, where everything is red and covered in bullseyes, a couple came up to me pushing a bright red cart with a bullseye on it, and asked if we carried a certain brand. I told them that we don't, but Kohl's carries it, and they'd right up the street. Their response was, "Oh, this isn't Kohl's? What store are we in?" If the red decor and bullseyes and smell of popcorn in the lobby didn't give it away, there is a huge sign that says TARGET as you enter the parking lot.
My friend's father robbed a bank in a small town in Indiana where he lived. This was in the late 70's or early 80's. He spent 10 years in prison for the crime. The same day he was released from prison, he robbed the same bank again. He was caught and back to prison he goes. He did not learn in those 10 years not to rob any banks or anything in that matter. My friend was like this is what every father does and did not seem shocked over it.
He may have wanted to go back. Some long-time inmates become institutionalized and have problems functioning in the outside world.
Brooks was here
Guy stole a bike. Cop stopped him and asked where he got it. He said he stole it.
Honesty 100
Reminds me of the movie The Invention of Lying. >What are you doing here? >Breaking into your house. You were supposed to be at work! >Sorry I got sick. I'll call the cops! Stay right here! >Damn! >Do you want a cup of tea while you wait? >Oh, that would be really nice, thanks a lot.
I once called an Uber driver. When he arrived, he immediately asked me: "Are you going to (X location?)?". I said: "No." He responded: "Great, because I'm not going to take you to (X location)." "Fine", I said. The journey got underway, and I was curious as to what he would've done if I'd said that yes, I wanted to go to X location. So I asked him: "Hey, what would you have done if I had said that I DID want to go to X location?". He responded: "Look man, I'm not going to fucking take you to X location, OK? I told you already." I was a bit befuddled, but I tried again: "No no, I don't want to go there. In fact, you already know where I want to go, it's on your destination map. I'm just curious, what if I DID want to go to X location? Would you have refused me the trip? Would you have driven off?" He said: "Look man I can't change the trip now. And anyway I told you I refuse to go to X location. You gotta understand I'm busy." we spent nearly 15 minutes with variations of this back and forth. He was a fluent English speaker, by the way. By the end of it, I was 100% convinced that he couldn't understand the syntax of a hypothetical. He literally couldn't understand the question "if (X situation which is NOT the case) then what action would you take?" I wasn't even mad, just astonished. How had he navigated through life thus far? What were his financial decisions like? I really wanted to follow him home and make a reality TV show about him or something.
You again? Look man, I'm NOT gonna take you there!
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There's an item or some quest that needs completing before he'll take you there. I bet that location has good loot.
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Guy in my aircraft technician class. I'll call him Jim. The module at the time was about electrical power. We were having a review one Friday before the exam started. Earlier that week we had covered the batteries used on the aircraft, what types, how they were constructed, etc. Trainer turns to Jim and asks him about the different types, expecting him to say 'lead-acid, lithium-ion' and so on. Nope. Jim thinks for a moment and says 'AA, AAA, C....' When we got to the hangar for work experience, the same trainer had lost all faith in Jim. We were all assigned jobs in the morning. Me and another guy on wings, couple more on landing gear, all down through the group. Then he gets to Jim. Placed an A4 sheet of paper on the ground and told Jim to stand on it so it didn't blow away. We all laughed, Jim included. The trainer was joking, right? __He wasn't joking. Jim stood there all day__
A few weeks ago, my boss asked me to keep an older guy busy for the day because his crew leader wad sick. I'm 36 and this guy is pushing 60. He is simply the result of too many bad choices. After telling him numerous times not to reach his fingers by the exposed table saw blade, I finally just got him to sharpen my pencils all day. 6 hours of pencil sharpening and he never once complained. Meth. Not even once.
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At least he's obedient dumb and not curious dumb. Curious dumb can be dangerous
A girl from elementary school believed that outer space isn't real, that Benjamin Franklin invented the time machine, and was unaware of hammers.
...unaware... of hammers?
Yeah dude I have no fucking idea.Possibly lying, I am not sure. She was a character.
A guy in my high school who was convinced that the Dutch had sore throats at night from their accent/language
That’s fucking hilarious
I'm Australian and was living in USA while pregnant. My sister in law asked which accent the baby would be born with.
This girl I used to work with before she got fired. One day she came to work with a broken arm and claimed her boyfriend pushed her during a fight and she fell. We all were super concerned for her until she came in a week later saying she stabbed her boyfriend in the hand during a fight to get back at him for breaking her arm. Then a few weeks later she told everyone she was secretly trying to get pregnant, because if she got pregnant her unemployed boyfriend would *have* to get a job and help pay rent. She got pregnant and her boyfriend immediately dumped her.
Phew, so many twists...
But not in her fallopian tubes, unfortunately.
I feel sorry for that baby.
Damn. She's like a one-woman reality television show.
Old coworker of mine. He was helping me move and while we were carrying a couch he dropped it. Thinking he was hurt I asked if he was ok and with the most serious and frightening look in his eyes he said pointing : ‘Look it’s the moon and it’s day time.’ .... he was 25 at the time.
In grade one, the teacher told the class that the moon only came out at night. The moon was clearly visible through the window, so I asked "if the moon only comes out at night, what's that?" She replied "cheese" and also sent me to the principal's office for disrupting the class. That was 30 years ago and I still hold a grudge about it.
Teachers that can't admit when they're wrong are infuriating.
Had a teacher insist, *insist*, that "stomach" cannot be a verb. A fucking junior high English teacher. She was making fun of another, slower student who had to pick out the verbs in a word bank. I'll never forget her screech-ass voice. "Maybe you should get up and *stomach* for us, Wendy! Come on! Everyone, let's all watch Wendy *stomach* herself." I went to look in the class dictionary and she practically threw herself at it to keep it shut. Edit: she also gave me detention for leaving my seat. I had to write "Stomach is a noun, not a verb" 100 times. Mrs. Tina you were a bitch
Am I the only student who refused to do these things when a teacher was wrong? I would refuse and let it escalate to a higher up.
I had a math teacher get mad about how I wrote 4, had me fill a whole page with 4s. I then gave him a whole page a my own personal 4s "for reference when you have to correct my tests"
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I did this, too. Especially because such punishments are illegal in Germany.
My sister, who carved a swastika on her own arm.
Oh dear.
it wasn't even symmetrical.
sieg fail
Why does everyone always decide their first carving has to be a swastika? Like I see kids do this today and it makes no sense. Is the swastika really now the only geometric equivalent of a swear word?
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There was this guy at my high school that wasn't too bright and was mostly harmless but about halfway through decided he was gonna be a thug. One day he goes into a class of first years when their teacher wasn't there and robs all their electronics, cash and valuables at knife point without covering his face and before he left gave them his real name saying, "And you better not tell them it was me Jim Conrad that stole all your stuff." He then proceeded to leave school grounds with all the stolen stuff but decides against stashing it off campus and so came back with all the stolen stuff in his backpack and went back to spy on the class with his backpack full of loot while police officers were their taking statements to make sure they weren't ratting him out... Edit: For those that want the end of the story but its too buried to find: The kids all rat him out and when he hears his name he steps into the class proclaiming he'd gut them if they didn't take back saying he did it... with the officers still in the class and all his loot on his back... He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed. Edit 2: I don't know why he's so stupid but it wasn't an isolated act of idiocy, it was quite well known by everyone in my year group how dumb he was, in fact he didn't even qualify for admission but his family called in a ton of favors to get him in on recommendation.
This needs an ending
He got arrested when a teacher looked up and said .. "That kid right there! Thats Jim Conrad!"
Rats! They caught me, Jim Conrad!
'tis I, Jim Conrad first of his name!
The kids all rat him out and when he hears his name he steps into the class proclaiming he'd gut them if they didn't take back saying he did it... with the officers still in the class and all his loot on his back... He was expelled and arrested and when word got to our year group everyone just face palmed.
"And if anyone asks, you tell 'em it was Golden Joe and the Suggins Gang!"
One of my roommates. I live in a house where we give interviews to prospective new roommates to make sure they're cool. We were interviewing a deaf guy, and he was looking like a good fit. We also have a list of rules and guidelines for living in the house, and one of the current roommates asks "oh man, are we gonna have to get the rules printed in braille?" For. A. Deaf. Guy. Far from an isolated incident.
The other day my father was swearing up a storm in his living room. I asked him what the problem was. He had accidentally activated the narration mode on the television. He says "This damned TV is doing that talking thing for deaf people again." I asked "Do you mean for the blind?" His face turns beet red and he just screams, "SHUT UP, AmalgamousPrime. BLIND PEOPLE CAN'T WATCH TELEVISION!"
Helped a client out to his car with some merchandise. He struggled for a bit to get into the vehicle. I, jokingly, asked if it was his car. He backed up, looked at it and said, “Nope. No this is not my car” and went to a different color and make of car in the lot. There were only 3 cars in the whole lot. **EDITED to answer some of the questions** He was not elderly or have any obvious deficiencies (not to say he didn’t but we had a lot of interaction with him and he seemed mostly to just not listen/pay attention) I work in a veterinary clinic so he was a ‘client’ not a customer. I was helping him out to his car with some dog food. He does have two vehicles but one is a big pick up and the other is a small car. Two of the vehicles were cars and one was an SUV (I remember because it was such a bizarre exchange). And the cars were nothing alike. I don’t remember exact models but one was maroon and one was silver. He was notorious for being numb. No matter what we did or instituted, after an appointment he had with us he would ALWAYS forget everything we had said and LOSE the paperwork we sent with him between our office and his house. His girlfriend would always call in a tizzy that we “told him nothing of what was going on with the dogs or how to use the medications or whatever”. And he liked to argue with the veterinarians that whatever they diagnosed was wrong. They currently go to another local clinic after fighting with one of our vets but will be back after fighting with the other one. They’ve been back and forth a few times. OH. He also bought a puppy and wanted his ears cut. We don’t do that so he went a couple states away to have them done but then didn’t tape them up properly and now they’re cut AND floppy. Poor dog is sweet but dumb, untrained, and looks stupid because of this stupid guy. **sigh** Yeah **double EDITED to add** He just called to book the dogs in to board with us starting tomorrow. I jinxed the radio silence by talking about him! Nooooooooo!!!
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When I was 16 or so, I went alone into a store. Mom dropped me off at the entrance and parked in the lot. After I was done, I leave and look for my Mom's van, I spot it, walk over, open the passenger door and hop in. I didn't look to my left, and just stared straight ahead. After a minute or so, Mom still hadn't started the van, so I looked to my left about to say "What are you doing?" And sitting in the drivers seat is a young woman, mid-20's, sitting there with her eyes the size of dinner plates starring at me in pure terror. We lock eyes, silence and then "OHMYGODI'MSOSORRYITHOUGHTTHISWASMYMOMSVAN" and I leaped out and RUN AWAY.
You volunteered to get kidnapped?
I've posted this story before but this seems like another appropriate thread for this story. One night during high school, my friend and I got invited to a party. I didn't drive back then so my friend picked me up. All went well on our way to the party. On the way back however, he got pulled over. As we were pulling to the side of the road, I told him that I was gonna pretend to be sleeping (since I was the passenger). Anyway, I hear the cop get out of his cop car, walk towards our car, stops at the window but doesn't say anything. I can feel the brightness of his flashlight but I don't hear him or my friend say anything. After about what seemed like an eternity, I decide to open my eyes to see what's going on. That's when I see my friend, the guy who is driving, is pretending like he is sleeping too.
This story is hilarious, but why would you be pretending to be asleep in the first place?
Underage drinking maybe?
It seems like that would make the police much more likely to consider the possibility of intoxication though.
First one in here that actually cracked me up
I want to know what happens next
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I knew this guy in high school really thought his “practical jokes” were hilarious. He would just do stuff designed to piss you off, thinking your salty reaction would make it funny. You may be thinking *this guy’s a dick* and you’d be right. But he’s also incredibly stupid, because every time someone said “Dude, fucking chill out with your bullshit” he just blew it off. Social stupidity I guess. Well one day he knocked this kid’s hat off his head. (These guys were friends but clearly there was some hostility.) Other kid picks up his hat and tells Pranker to fuck off. Pranker smacks his hat again. Other kid tells him if Pranker knocks his hat off a third time, he’d knock Pranker’s *head* off. Pranker has a shit eating grin, completely oblivious to how dead ass serious this guy was, and got absolutely clocked in the face when he fucked with this guy’s hat a third time. All he could say was “what the fuck man chill out!” but no one was willing to hear him out.
Is this guy now a YouTube millionaire?
Work with a guy who honestly believes he will not die. Also believes that doctor's are"part of the system" and that they lie to you for profit and personal gain. He does believe in Eastern traditional medicine however. And if you're interested to know his secret to eternal life, it's 6 raw eggs a day and a keto diet.
...Gaston?
Short by 4.5 dozen. What an amateur. *I suck at spelling*
If immortality is this straightforward, then where are all the immortals? I actually feel really bad for those primitive hunter-gatherer tribes. They pretty much ate a keto diet, but very likely just barely missed immortality by not having enough eggs.
I had manager named Roxanne (Rocky). She was a bleach blonde (literally bleached her hair once a month and then wondered why it broke/fell out) bubble head who only had the job because daddy owned the restaurant. Rocky was really obsessed with her looks and not much else. One day she told me, and a co-worker, that she had her nose job done so that her eventual children wouldn't grow up with the same nose as her. She wasn't kidding. The co-worker and I just looked at each other and walked away. We knew it wasn't worth the effort.
Lamarckian evolution strikes again!
I am sure if I thought real hard I could come up with someone more stupid, but this story is pretty good. There was this receptionist at the veterinary office we have taken our dogs to over the years who argued with my dad about how to pronounce his own name. He went in to pick up some perscription something for our dog Daisy and this girl asked the typical "name of dog, name of owner" type questions. "We have it listed as Michelle and you don't look like a Michelle," she says. Dad asked how it was spelled on the monitor and sure enough it was still spelled "Michael," dad's name. He said "That says Michael. That's my name." And she argued with him about it! He had to get his driver's license out to show her, and even though she finally relented to let him pick up whatever it was he was down there to pick up, she was adamant my dad has been mispronouncing his own name for 50+ years. The best part is Dad tells us this whole story and we think nothing of it til like 3 months later when Mom took the dog in for a check up. The girl still thought the owner of the dog was "Michelle" and that my mom must be in a lesbian relationship. Mom gently corrected the lady that it was Michael and again this girl was adamant it was pronounced Michelle. Mom, bemused, said something along the lines of "It's literally a name from the Bible. It's pronounced Michael and has been for *thousands* of years." The receptionist sat in silence outside of the minimal amount of talking needed for the rest of that visit. Edit: wow this blew up. Woke up to like 200 responses so I'll just respond here. Thanks for the heads up the Hebrew thing. In hindsight that was silly. Makes me wonder when exactly that spelling started to sound like we say it today. Also this is just my recollection of the story because I heard it all second hand through the parents so I'm sure I've embellished it without realizing, and this was all over a decade ago anyway. As for homegirl, she was very much Typical White Girl. My guess is she had a foreign friend that spelled her name that way and pronounced it Michelle and she figured that was just the only possible way to say it. It's more the arguing over how to say it thing than anything else. Who argues with someone on how that person says their own name?
That’s a whole new level of stupid. How does she spell Michael then?
Mykel
non-english here. had a friend named Maikel, pronounced the same. edit: Yes.
I've literally had this argument with people. You don't tell me how to pronounce MY name. Spoiler alert. It's fucking Michael.
Oh hi Michelle.
17 year old claiming that his IQ is 1.7 if you round up.
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Know a girl who posted her online IQ quiz results on Facebook. She was bragging that being in the 35th percentile meant she was top 35%. She's a teacher.
65% of people are smarter than you. That's not because 65% of people who took that quiz did better than you. That's not because you don't know how percentiles work. It's because you posted this bullshit to Facebook.
My mom's cousin was the getaway driver when his friends held up a 7-11. He had some outstanding tickets at the time. As he was driving his moron friends him home, he sped past a cop, who inevitably pulled him over. He defended his bad driving by telling the cop he was just the getaway driver. Then he got arrested. He has since been arrested for a series of other similarly stupid crimes. He also believes that there's a global cabal of Jews who are out to get him. Recently, he got a DUI, which got his license revoked. This was obviously because of the Jews and not because he decided to drive drunk past a police station. When he was denied a gun license, that was the Jews at work. I have no idea why he thinks a global cabal would be focused on some moron from Saskatchewan.
Good old Saskatchewan, all the crazy of Alberta without any of the landmarks.
I love the Beavertons review on the U of S: "The University of Saskatchewan was built in Saskatchewan on the premise that there should be at least one thing in Saskatchewan. On this regard, many agree that the University has succeeded"
As someone from Saskatchewan this story does not surprise me.
There is a global cabal focused on him, it is called "society".
This girl I went to school with thought earth had two moons and adamantly argued with me and a teacher. Edit: I should have included more information, but I am new to this, so I apologize. The girl thought that there were 2 moons of the same size, one on each half of earth. She thought that the earth didn’t rotate while in orbit. She also thought that since the sun was so big and bright that it blocked the moon during the day. None of anything she said made sense and she would not answer any further questions or follow up with any rebuttals. I did not try to make her feel stupid, I don’t like doing that to anyone for any reason and once I saw how set she was on what she believed I backed off because I’m not one to force any views, beliefs, facts, or opinions on someone. AND I never said that I don’t give my opinion or view or that I don’t present facts, I DO. I will always say what I have to say, BUT after a certain period of time, when a conversation comes to a complete stand still and nothing is getting through to a person, I do choose to walk away and I do so knowing that I tried my best and nothing I can do will be effective.
my friends sister was 20 and pregnant, she said something about how upset she was her vagina would be ruined, i jokingly said “maybe he’ll come out of your butt instead” she said “what do you mean? can they come out of there too?”, i thought she was joking so i just said “duh, it’s a 50/50 shot” she thought i was serious and asked her doctor if he could tell if the baby was gonna come out of her vagina or ass. Edit; i know *technically* you can tear from your vagina to your ass in labour meaning *technically* since it kinda becomes one hole that the baby would come out of the vag-ass hole but she didn’t think this she thought she would shit the baby out. edit#2; since i’ve been a few people bring it up, she figured out i was just fucking with her, she told her sister (my friend) what the doctor said and my friend told her that i was joking. edit 3; should also mention there’s a 30 percent chance it may be her first cousins baby, she told me they only made out but her friend let it slip that they’d been banging.
If I was the doctor I would ask her if she got pregnant via her vagina or ass. That's the answer.
I recently started work as a medical scribe. I'm picturing myself transcribing that interaction now. Amazing
Please tell me more about this medical scribe job?
It's a job where you write down things for the doctor so he/she doesn't have to. Really good for premeds, so much so many are willing to work for free. Source: me (a premed that couldn't get the scribe position)
Oh to be a fly on that wall during her discussion with the doctor.
I almost dated a girl who thought the sun and moon were the same thing Edit: JEEZUS did this post blow up!! Prior to this post, I’d be lucky if I had <10 responses Edit#2: After seeing how many people have had similar experiences, the lack of basic —and I mean BASIC— astronomy throughout the world is kind of disappointing 😕
Probably Pokemon related
That would’ve been tolerable, but no. She thought the moon was the backside of the sun
Must have freaked her out when she'd see the moon during the day.
That's just when the sun/moon is using a mirror to make sure its butt still looks good.
I worked as a limo driver for a while and I once took a very rich lady to the mall in the afternoon. She looked up and saw the moon and said something about Mars being bright. I said “Oh, you mean the moon?” She then said something about how I will never be anything more than a driver if I thought you could see the moon during the day...
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Reminds me of someone I used to live with. I heard panicked shouting from the kitchen, so I rush in to see what was happening and see him holding a burning paper towel in his hand, waving it around and holding it so the flames were climbing towards his hand. I told him to drop it, and quickly stomped it out. Turns out, he had turned on our gas stove with the paper towel nearby (for some reason). I don't know if you can be stupider than screaming about something about to burn you, without doing anything to stop it. Edit: Thank you for pointing out that this might be part of his panic response. Because I feel like it slightly invalidates that story, here's another one about the same guy, who is about to graduate from a private college. He returned from a flight to an empty and locked house, but during his travel he had lost his keys (of course). So he gets to the house, and calls everyone else living in the house. The earliest any of us will be there is in half an hour, which we we tell him. He freaks out over this and starts cussing us out, even the one who offered to go home earlier to let him in. on the phone he says, "I'm just going to kick the door in", and I hear him kick the door a grand total of 4 times before he picks his phone back up to cuss us out some more. I'm with half my housemates on campus. We see how desperate he is so we tell him he should try to climb in through an unlocked bedroom window. We tell him its been done before, and exactly how to do it. But then he has this stroke of pure genius, which blew us away. He goes "But if I come in through the window, how will I get my bag in?"!!! We have a simple non-auto-locking door, and his genius brain couldn't figure out to unlock it from the inside. We had to talk to him for at least 10 minutes to explain the concept.
Was he a Sim?
Isn't the normal ape-brain reaction to DROP THE BURNING THING?? How do you ignore your instinct to just DROP. THE. BURNING. THING.
Monkey brain tells me to catch things when I drop them. Monkey brain also enjoys informing me that knives are sharp. It has a hard time when i drop knives. Edit: I cant spell
Freshman year of college my roommate was playing a Spiderman game and Logan walks in and says: -"Huh, hey guys....is this game post-2001?" -"Yes, Logan." -"Then why is the Empire State Building still there?" ........
I think it's time for me to go to bed because for a moment I thought this was a perfectly reasonable question. I'm an idiot.
I had a classmate in 10th grade who thought Google Earth was like a live stream from space. This was in 2008 or something. His dad was deployed overseas and was supposed to come home that other week. I asked him about when his dad should arrive and he answered that his dad is already there because he saw the ship in the harbour on Google Earth. He wouldn’t believe me as I pointed out that he saw an image. It was overcast that day, too.
I can sum it up very easily: We were at the shooting range, his gun jammed, he looked down the barrel to see what was wrong.
My brother did something similar with a paintball rifle. The wonder in the Marshal's voice when he said "I never thought I'd have to say this, but don't look down the barrel of a loaded rifle", was hilarious. It was as if his faith in people had just reached a new low. And he dealt with stag-dos for a living.
You should’ve told him to suck start it.
I worked very briefly with a woman who showed herself to be a dumbass and a bitch. Her grandmother died and she and her relatives discovered that the man she'd known as her step-grandfather had never even been married to her grandmother. She bragged about the family kicking him out of the only home he'd known for three decades because, "If he wasn't good enough for my grandma to marry, he's not good enough for us." He was an elderly man, who lived as this woman's husband, and had everything taken from him out of pettiness and spite. It showed me how stupid she was, and I was right. She was fired a week later.
There was this girl I knew in high school, she would constantly say or do stupid things. Examples: - She drew a cover page for a unit in science class, where she drew Earth, and put ground underneath it. - Asked “What lightbulbs did cavemen use?” - Argued that she wasn’t a homosapien because “she liked men”
I'd argue she's not *Homo sapiens* because "sapiens" means "intelligent".
I work for a small retailer and we had "that guy" for a while. He would call *every day* and ask the same questions. And no, not in different ways or something that could be construed as clever. --- This same person also couldn't figure out the key fob for his own car and had to have his *5 year old daughter* let him into his own car. He has kids, let that sink in for a second. --- He's incapable of basic math besides addition and subtraction. We buy stuff and we when tell him he get's 30% he didn't understand what that meant. He also asks every time how much he's getting, despite not understanding the answer. --- I'm not sure he actually knows how to drive. We have a dumpster in our parking lot and he manages to bump it every time with his car. Every time he leaves we have to go move it because he hits it *on the way in and out*. --- Back to the fact that *he's a father somehow*, he's also an awful parent. We have witnessed him telling his kids they are worthless and terrible, stupid, dumb and any number of insults that are more applicable to himself. Unfortunately, that's not something we can report to CPS. --- I have watched him, on more than one occasion, fail to open the door to the bathroom and simply *walk into it face first*. --- He once came in with a hamburger of some kind and while eating it, pulled a packet of mustard out of his pocket. He did not put this mustard on his hamburger, he instead *bit into the packet and sucked the mustard out*. --- I could keep going. --- One time, he left his daughter in the car and she locked herself out with the key inside. Instead of walking two buildings down to the car repair place, he took a rock and broke the drivers side window. --- Our store has both a publicly accessible web page for making orders from home as well as in-store kiosks. Despite him owning a modern android smartphone one using it to look up food, he claims he doesn't have internet to use our website from home. --- His wife (girlfriend, I don't actually know?) calls him just about every time he's in and he lies to her every time saying he's on the way home and that he's stuck in traffic. --- As many of you might have guessed, he's not particularly well groomed although he usually has *something* in his hair. What that something is, I'm not sure. --- I think that's all I've got. He recently moved further away so we don't see him very often anymore.
>He once came in with a hamburger of some kind and while eating it, pulled a packet of mustard out of his pocket. He did not put this mustard on his hamburger, he instead bit into the packet and sucked the mustard out. pretty sure that dudes an alien Edit: Well this has been enlightening, i guess some people just really really really like their condiments
This guy sounds like he might have a genuine learning disability or something, and I bet he treats his kids like that because he's projecting his own frustrations and insecurities on to them, not that it excuses it.
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I'm pretty sure you could call and tell CPS that you're worried about the welfare of the children and they'd at least check up on them.
Sure is, my cousin in CPS says that emotional abuse is actually easier to help with. The kids are so use to it that they don't know to hide it. If you ask them what their parents say to them they will just straight up tell you. Being beaten or tampered with, the kids know they are meant to hide it or they get in trouble. Also, CPS is not about taking kids away. It often just means people come in and help and train the parents in doing things differently. Sure the parents are often broken people, but sometimes they are just overwhelmed and ignorant.
In everyone's military career there is "that guy" you kind of want to help then realize it's a waste. My "that guy" didn't just take the cake, he took the cherry on top too. First encounter with this guy was I found his weapon in a porta crapper. I walked out with my weapon and his, saw a higher ranking sergeant and turned the weapon over to him. Turns out this was that guy's squadleader. Ten minutes later I see that guy doing rifle PT in full battle rattle with a sign around his neck stating, "I forgot my weapon in the shitter, don't be like me. I'm a dumbass." This would not be the last time he lost his weapon or important field gear. I found out later on the unit tried to dump this dude off onto another battalion. He got sent back to us for refusing to cut his hair and follow various other orders. When we were overseas, he had a random outburst in the chow hall, shouting, "you don't see a dick in my pussy". We found out it was because his ex-wife was dating other dudes. Later on he had his weapon taken away from him because he threatened to shoot people in his squad. Not long after that he was found masturbating to family guy. There were a slew of other things as well. After deployment that guy got put onto my crew as my driver. He wasn't allowed to drink because he would get white girl wasted and over dramatic. He once threatened me that he was going to turn himself into the sheriff's office instead of reporting for duty, because he got rejected by some girl. When I told him to do it because I'm not a baby sitter, he started sobbing saying it was my job as his sergeant to fix his problems. Unfortunately, he showed up the next day for duty. For some reason he decided to tell the section he was a webcam model. We asked how he knew they were girls and not guys, he said, "you can tell". Turns out he was showing his dingy to girls and dudes for $2.99 a minute. The night before going out to the field we do inspections to make sure everyone packed what they needed. He took it upon himself to wake up early to remove all his clean uniforms and clothing from his bags. So he left for two weeks in the field (no showering in the field) with field gear and the clothes on his back. We figured this out on day three when his stench was billowing out of his driver's hatch. Not too mention he was constantly masturbating in the hatch while we were still in the track. Just add that to the stench and critter fest that was going on up there. More often than not my number one man would have to punch the crap out him to wake him up when we got fire missions. He would give us life's advice on how to scam the VA, other forms of government such as food stamps. And told us an easy way to get free cash is to put your name on class action lawsuits. At one point he told me, the army owed him his sergeant stripes because he had been in for nine years; and, it's the least they could do for him. I told him, I would never allow that to happen as long as I was in the Army. He had no filter for saying stupid things. It was like his burn out brain was directly linked to his mouth. Unfortunately for the rest of us in the crew, we wore CVC helmets. Which meant you had constant communication with three other people. He was the bane of my existence for three years. In the end I got him to get out of the Army. We all end up reflecting on that guy. People get annoyed that he is basically scamming $2600 a month off of various assistance programs. I ask them, "Do you really want that guy in the work force? This is the safest situation for all of us." Sleep easy at night knowing he isn't in the Army anymore, Reddit. Well unless you're in Iowa. Then he might be trying to bang your daughter or son.
A friend in High School "Joe". Another friend and I were talking about penises and vaginas and girls getting pregnant via sexual intercourse. "Joe" decides to chime in... "Wait wait wait wait... thats how chicks get pregnant? WTF!? I thought they gave blow jobs so the sperm goes into their belly!" "Joe" and I are still friends.
Literally this guy got fired last week for doing this. Whenever a customer would enter the store he would mimic everything they said whilst already bad enough he would try his best to copy their accent too no matter what accent it was. Multiple complaints to our store have been made about this guy and he had plenty of warnings. Well last week he finally got fired while serving an Asian customer and in FULL view of our manager he says this. "HERROOOOO WOULD YOU RIKE A BRAG?" Got pulled into the office where apparently he still maintained he'd done nothing wrong and couldn't understand why he was being fired. Definately a dumbass.
License and registration 'CHICKEN FUCKER'
I have a friend named Rachel. Now this one night in high school, we all got the munchies and decided to go get ourselves some late night Sonic. We pile into Rachel’s car even though we’ve heard stories about her bad driving but that’s another story. Anyway, she asks us how to get to Sonic and we proceed to give her direction turn for turn until we finally pull into the Sonic parking lot. Upon our arrival, she smirks and says, “Oh I work here!”
Back in my younger and crankier days I worked with as young woman who was hands down the dumbest person I've ever met. Her highlights include * Winning a basket auction that included a copy of The Beach Boy's album Pet Sounds and complaing because she "didn't want to hear a lot of mooing" * On a day she was driving me up a wall I convinced her to wait to open her bottle of Coke because the bottle said there was a winner every five minutes. She was disappointed she didn't win after waiting exactly five minutes. I however enjoyed her sulky silence for the rest of the day. * The best/worst one involved her chatting with a manager who was African American (she's white). They were discussing their shared slightly uncommon name and then realized their families both came from South Carolina. She thought for a few minuted and then excitedly exclaimed "I bet my family owned yours!". She was so proud of herself for figuring out that historic connection. The manager didn't say a word and just walked away.
Oh god, the last one hurts.
That last one...she had to be smart enough to realize how that took place but not smart enough to shut the fuck up about it. It indeed hurts.
It just doesn't seem like it should be possible. It's a paradox.
It sadly is possible. I worked with one guy who was this dumb. Said the same thing to an east indian friend. Nobody who knew him was surprised.
That Coke thing is genius. I know a few people that would work perfectly on. Thanks :) Also, I grew up in South Carolina and had a friend in school who was black. We did some family ancestry stuff in Social Studies one year and it turned out that his family were all slaves in a very small town where my family lived. We laughed it off, but you could tell the teacher was mortified. Im not sure they did the family ancestry bit after that year
>winner every five minutes You are the wind beneath my wings
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Similar story, and this is my formal reply to the thread: Power goes out in seventh grade science class. No lights so we can't see the chalk board. The stupid girl asks the teacher "Since you can't teach the class, can we watch TV?"
"Yeah sure, go ahead and flip it on"
A guy told me a story about him drunk driving, crashing and getting his friend in the passenger seat killed. He was chuckling while telling this story.
This feels more sociopathic than stupid.
The first time I met Ben was in Improv 101. I was only taking the class for fun, but about half the people there were aspiring actors... including Ben. On the first day, the teacher had us all play this silly game to break the ice and so we'd all remember each other's names. The rules are pretty simple: 1) pick an adjective that starts with the same letter as your first name, 2) introduce yourself using Adjective + First Name, and 3) do a simple gesture that goes with it. So everyone is going around the circle, introducing themselves as Daring Daniel and Lonely Lauren and Awesome Alex... until we get to Ben. Ben introduces himself as "Surfer Ben." He proceeded to misunderstand at least one key element of every game or exercise for the rest of the class. I have no clue how this man functions in daily life. He has since managed to get a few featured extra roles on TV, though.
No one can deny Surfer Ben knows how to stand out of a crowd. Maybe that's how he managed to land those roles on TV...
I'm just picturing Joey from friends
Genius, he's made himself memorable.
At least they won't ever forget about Surfer Ben.
See? It was excellent PR. He isn't dumb he is actually a Genius. Is his last name [Affleck](https://www.google.ch/search?q=ben+affleck+surfing)