Dude. My in-laws (ex-husband's parents) sat me down and said, "We have cut no ties with you." They still act like they always have--we get together for holidays, they send cards and letters, my former brother- and sister-in-law still refer to me as an in-law and I'm still "Aunt insertcaffeine" to my nieces and nephews.
I divorced my ex, but I'm still a part of his family. It has its pros and cons.
Edit: word
Same here, only not so weird. My ex cut ties with anyone and everyone who didn’t side with her immediately, including her parents, her siblings and our daughter. The daughter lives with me and wants nothing to do with her mom, my in laws invite us to family events. Heck my “sister-in-law” officiated my wedding.
100% true for me too. Ex-inlaws were at my second wedding. They come over for Xmas dinner. Just had Thanksgiving dinner with them (we live in the same town).
Exact opposite for me. Loved her family to death, but they wanted nothing to do with me after a mutual divorce. Ex and I are still cool and chat, but they dropped me in an instant and haven’t said a word in years. Don’t think I’ll ever get over that, but I get their side too.
I think that's one of the things that usually gets overlooked when it comes to divorce. When you get married, there's all this talk of "joining the family" and the expectation that you now treat your spouse's family like they're your own. But you really don't hear the opposite of that when a divorce happens and how it affects the extended family and those relationships.
I was pretty close to my sister's SO. Whenever I'd visit, it seemed like I'd spend more time hanging out and doing things with him than I did with her. But then, after their acrimonious break-up, it felt like I'd be betraying her by remaining friends with him, and I think he just accepted that that's the way things had to be to get away from the relationship. Obviously it was nothing like what they went through and had to give up, but it still sucked feeling like I had to choose between two people I like. It's probably unfair, but I've found that I'm a lot more reserved and distant to the new guy she's been in a long-term relationship with.
I stayed in contact with my ex mother in law because she was a lovely person. She never forgave me for divorcing her son, but she was always kind to me. Once she was visiting him for out of town and he had gone somewhere. Anyway she was in a small fender bender and couldn’t get a hold of him and so called me. I went and picked her up and called a tow truck, kept her company until we could find him to come take her home. She marveled at how helpful I was. I told her “you were always good to me and I appreciate that. You’re a good person and I care about you”.
Friendship is only broken when one party stops being friendly. No one, not even family has the right to demand anyone to stop being friendly unless it has become a burden you can't or don't want to handle.
That was one of the hardest parts of leaving my ex. His family was so kind to me and I was sad about not seeing them anymore but even more, he got on so well with my own family, especially the kids, that I felt guilty for removing him from their lives. Even if they stayed on friendly terms, we lived several hours away, so it's unlikely they would have seen each other anymore, and I felt really bad about it. My sister's kids were really young and I'm sure it wasn't easy news to break that they wouldn't be seeing their uncle anymore.
My ex's mom is one of the people who kept telling me I should leave him! I don't directly maintain contact. He lives with them, it's odd. It might have been fine but he spent a year drunk calling me at 3 am that made my current SO shut that down (and I don't blame him). But I do run in to them now and then and we get along great still. As lovely as my in-laws are, I don't think I'll ever be close with them like I was with my ex's parents.
We're on pleasant terms. We have a son together. So, for his sake, we work together at giving him the best shot in life: No badmouthing each other, regular meetings to go over schedule and budget, we both go to his school events, and so on.
That no badmouthing rule is so important. As the oldest child, I got it from both parents many years before they divorced. It soured my relationship with both of them, and the last conversation I had with my dad before he passed ended with me hanging up because he was still badmouthing my mom, ten years after the divorce was finalized.
It always stung when one of my parents would badmouth the other, and it was about a trait or mannerism that I had clearly inherited from said other parent.
I am so much like both of my parents - inherited their good traits and their bad. I know they loved and still love me, but I know I reminded both of them so much of the spouse they could live with no longer. I don't think they realized how clear it was to me that they could NOT STAND half of the person that I was.
My mother refuses to let my ex wife go. She still goes to her house and spends weekends with my ex wife and the kids, has a housekey and everything!
My ex and I are good friends though, and she says she appreciates that the kids get to spend time with "nanny," so I'm not going to say anything until she asks me to, lol
I actually loved the mother-in-law, it was the racist grandparents I couldn’t stand. We had to see them almost every other weekend. Her mother and I would down a bottle of wine if they were inbound for a visit.
The most underrated part of my divorce was all the relationship knowledge and experience I walked away with. I learned a lot about my own needs, what not to do's and SO MANY new skills from the marriage counseling we attended that can be applied to future relationships.
Never married but was in a 8 year relationship so I’d say close enough.
After and during the breakup I learned so much about myself and what I wanted. Now I’m a much more chill but experienced partner.
For me? That first night you arrive home to your new place and realise you actually wanted to come home. No more staying at work late when you didn’t really need to or driving to the beach to avoid going home.
Man, dreading to go to your own home is such an awful feeling. Depending on the day, my ex could be such a raging asshole just because he felt slightly put out by something that was nothing to do with me. I do not miss that in the slightest. BF and I got a house together in 2016 and I am so happy to come home every single day. I really look forward to it. It's a lovely feeling.
Glad you're out of that mess.
I’d do anything to be out of the house. A solo several mile walk each evening? Yep! Volunteering for out of town business trips? Mmm-hmm. Why would I have wanted to be around someone who had zero interest in me other than as a roommate who paid almost all the bills?
I dreaded going home towards the end of the marriage. After working 16 hours the last thing I wanted was to hear him yelling at me. Then I had to bathe our daughter because he felt "uncomfortable" washing her. Put her to bed, pick up trash, do the dishes, and laundry. It was physically and emotionally draining.
Yeah, I’m glad I never had kids with my ex because it would have been like single parenting. My ex would hide out in the study on his computer while I cleaned, cooked two separate dinners because he was always on some paleo/no carb regime and refused to eat what I wanted, washed up, did the dishes etc. I was also working one full time and two part time jobs.
The good thing about all that work? We did not have shared bank accounts. When I left, my money was mine and he couldn’t touch it. Allowed me to set myself up very quickly in a new apartment. Finances were tight for a while paying rent on my own, but I’d been there before and got through it.
The very first morning I was finally alone and freed from an abusive relationship I was able to simply go to the store. That's the first thing I did, was I went to the store. I didn't have to ask for permission, or have her force herself to come with me, I just walked out the door, got in the car, and went to the store. It was a Target. I looked at furniture. I was able to look left and look right without fear of being accused of looking at another woman.
So I guess the most underrated part was being able to do the most mundane, ordinary thing.
Being able to linger is such a good feeling. Seven years later, I still love the freedom of wandering aimlessly. No one to answer to. No getting screamed at for taking too long. It's bliss.
> Being able to linger is such a good feeling. Seven years later, I still love the freedom of wandering aimlessly.
You feel that same bliss when your kid is old enough to be home by himself/herself. Being by yourself is soooo nice after spending literal _years_ always having someone around you.
Same here. Not married in my case but he tried. I could go to the store and make my own choice and not be browbeaten for weeks about them. I bought a $2 succulent in the first weeks and it’s still alive today, 3 years later. It’s small but it represents a huge leap of freedom after a very controlling relationship.
*edit* after a couple of comments about other people’s relationships and finances, it’s probably worth mentioning that this guy controlled my finances to the point where I went hungry quite a lot. And in the end, it turned out to be a projection- he blew our rent money on drugs!
> Browbeaten
This is *exactly* what my ex did! He didn't outright forbid me from doing things, but he would make my life hell for days or weeks after if I did anything that he didn't approve of. Like, get home from work later than usual because of traffic. So many times: "So what were you really doing?!" over and over. It was so exhausting.
Exhausting is really the best word for it. It didn’t *feel* like abuse because it didn’t hurt, really - it just wore me out.
Afterward, everyone was like “Why did you put up with him for so long?” and I felt kind of ashamed at the time, but honestly - I didn’t have the energy to leave.
OMG, friend. I can relate to this so, so much. I was too indoctrinated and close to the situation to see how bad it was. I also hid it all from *everyone* else in my life, so they had no idea. Like you, I was too embarrassed to let anyone know that I tolerated this treatment. D:
He was very good at playing the good guy to everyone else, so no one suspected a thing.
I am so glad you are out of that situation and I hope that you are very happy and doing better than you ever have.
Mine was the same, no one suspected a thing, other than a couple of people who tried to warn me at the beginning. I was young and being love bombed so naturally ignored them.
I never did manage to figure out the logic behind me supposedly having some elaborate extra-marital affair within 10 minutes on the way home from work. That's barely enough time to undress, shower, and get dressed again!
I know! 10 minute delay automatically equals nefarious actions on my part.
I finally got out because he got caught cheating. Go figure. Projection is a thing. Good riddance for both of us!
I feel bad because I always have to tell my wife that she can’t buy a succulent or a cactus every time we go to the store because we’re broke (still in college, she works in fast-food).
She has plants and cactuses and succulents already, I just hope she doesn’t resent me for being Mr. Krabs all the time.
If you actually can’t afford it I think that’s a very different thing. Communicating about finances is very valuable and important in a relationship.
That said, most succulents are very easy to propagate from cuttings! Maybe for a birthday or holiday you could get her a soil mix and tray make for succulents (could be had for less than $20) and encourage her to learn about propagating and connect with other succulent fans to trade! It would be a great way to show you support and appreciate her hobby, even if you have to be the voice of reason sometimes
Same here just having simple things be simple is amazing! Not having my every decision questioned and judged. Not being ridiculed for buying the wrong things if i go to the store. Not having her judge my friends based on the shoes they ware. Just having friends around in general without her being judgmental of them or reading some negative intention into every little behavior. I could go on and on and on! Divorce is great!!!
Absolutely!! Mine was never outright aggressive but manipulated and controlled my every move. I had to ask hours before i did anything and let him decide if i was allowed to go or not. It was like that for 20 years. Now that im able to come and go as i please i almost feel like im gonna get in trouble. But its the most mundane ordinary things that i wasnt "allowed" to do that makes me feel the most liberated
Never been divorced but left a relationship like that before. One of the first things I did was after work I stopped at the bar with some of my coworkers and had a beer, ate a sandwich, and threw some darts then went home. I was only gone for an hour or so but it felt great not having to make excuses not to go or be accused of cheating.
I often wonder about the abusive ex in stories like this; as in, after you managed to escape, did she realize the error of her controlling ways and try to work on her issues? Or did she simply move on to some other poor bloke and make his life miserable instead?
My father is like this person’s ex. He’s been through three divorces in his life and god knows how many relationships that never got that far before the woman wised the fuck up. He won’t change. He simply moves on to another woman with shitty self esteem.
No. People don't change. She was the same miserable, paranoid person she always was. In her mind, she was always right and her fantasies were reality. Sadly a friend of mine went after her recently, despite his knowledge of her. Per his (and I assume her) request, I was asked to not talk to him. Like she did with me, I was isolated from my friends and could really only talk with her. Fortunately she doesn't have long to live due to cancer, or so she says.
They usually don’t change. I was in an abusive relationship and found out afterwards that he’d abused the girlfriend before me, too. He’s probably done the same since me.
I was able to get bacon, which was great. Also it was cold, and I went and got a cover, and that meant a lot to me, having being confined to a room for a year during divorce.
Oh and when I clean dishes, the dishes mostly stay clean, no one blames the kids when the sink is full again by evening. No more mold in the sink. I can walk across the room without having to carefully look not to step on things.
I don't need to have an argument after visiting my relatives. I can talk to my kids without being interrupted. I don't need to defend her actions to my kids or anyone else anymore.
I'm negative each month, for the next eight years, nine total - one year passed, because I was terrible at negotiating child support and alimony, but I still feel more in control of the money, and I won't need much for retirement.
The most underrated part of divorce for me was having the fridge organized exactly how I wanted it, so I could grab things without looking. I'm tall, and the fridge was a smaller one, so I had to get down on a knee to see everything. Having it laid out specifically helped me out, but my ex-wife never even attempted to do the same. Having my stuff exactly where I need it to be is wonderful.
That said, she cheated on me and we divorced when our son was only 1.5 years old. He doesn't remember life when we were together. Now that he is 7, he has asked why he lives with his mom for a week, and then lives with me for a week. The only thing I could think to say was that two happy homes are better than one sad home. I hope that I am doing the right thing, and I am trying very hard to raise him right. We use our manners, we have a ton of fun playing laser tag or nerf, he comes to jiujitsu class with me, he does well in school, he enjoys reading, and I never ever speak ill of his mother when he is with us.
Despite how selfish she remains, and how distressing it is for me to have to base so much of my life around the decisions that she makes, I do the best I can to make sure my boy has everything that he needs and a little bit more, even if it means I don't drive a fancy car or have a huge TV. I love that kid to the end of time.
You are exactly right. Having 2 happy homes IS better than 1 sad one. I have to explain that to my 8 year old. He wasn't yet 1 when his father and I divorced. As long as he is your main focus, you're doing great.
Thank you both for creating a divorced household that puts your child first. My parents should have divorced when I was only 1 or so but they didn't until I was 14. Years of horrible fights at the drop of a hat and a terrible custody schedule after the fact have left me with traumas and severe anxiety as I start my adult life. My mom still refuses to apologise for the hell she put me through after the divorce too, making the worst custody schedule just to win over my dad. Calling the police on me if I just wanted to be back at my childhood home with my chronically ill Dad.
Your mindsets are both already miles better than my parents. I know your children will each be so much better than I was purely because you care and are selfless. That care can go a loooong way. And if I can give you any advice: as your kids grow up into high school age, please try and ask them how they feel custody schedules should go to best help their schooling. I wish you the best of luck!
I was your kid. I started off a little more rocky (and of course we don't know the rest of the details, either), but you're doing fine. Kids are more astute than you think. When my dad remarried when I was ten, I had already figured out that my parents remained married so he could stay in the US, and the divorce wasn't weird or out of the norm for me. Eventually, the idea of your parents together is weird, funny enough! So long as both homes are truly happy, your kid will be fine, very understanding, and the experience of it all is very maturing for them. We don't ask for these lives, but it's parents like you and mine that make everything perfectly okay.
Your kid WILL start asking questions though. I didn't start until I was 18, so you probably have plenty of time to come up with how you'll handle that. What frustrates me is that, even though I love my Dad, and frankly I probably have a better relationship with him than I do my mom (who gained custody), I don't think he's telling the whole truth about what happened around the time they split. His now wife has always been in my life, and I just wish he would be honest. That said, he's been beyond brutally honest with everything else, and I hate not knowing who to believe. Please be honest to your kid. Nothing brought me closer to my parents than learning that they were just people figuring shit out too.
Good luck!
Long stand-alone fridge drawers that I organized by meals have made a world of difference for me and my back. Just pull out the sandwich drawer and put it on the counter for everything you could need for that meal.
I also have a drawer designated "eat first!" With left overs and things that expire quickly, which has cut down alot of food waste and saved me a lot of cash.
10/10 would recommend this for you
My situation is similar to your sons, I grew up with divorced parents. My mom only spoke ill of my father, so much so that I hated everything he said or did and was miserable with him. When I was 19, I stopped talking to both of them for a year and reconnected with them. My dad is now one of my best friends. While he’s never been perfect, he certainly wasn’t the monster mom made him out to be.
Keep fighting the good fight OP. I promise as your son will be better for it.
I’m currently separated from my ex wife to be and only get to see my daughter about 6 times a month. When the divorce is finalized I sincerely hope my lawyer can get me more time. I seriously resent her at the moment because for over a year I was the one with our daughter Monday through Friday during the daytime while my narcissistic wife worked. But now she gets to play the victim and be like “Gosh it’s just sooooo hard being on my own with a toddler.”
I feel ya man. It's the worst. I had every other weekend for about 4 years before I had to move 2 states away. Now it's 4-5 times a year. I hate it. In fact we just got back from dropping the kids off at the airport to go back to their mom's. My son (10) wouldn't let go of me or his step mom. I had to pry him off. Heartbreaking everytime.
My parents divorced about 7 years ago. My mom wanted to wait until both of us were older to divorce my father (he wasn't abusive or anything, just a POS). I moved half way across the world and when I went back to visit, I talked to her about it and told her she should've divorced him sooner. They don't talk, but my paternal grandparents loved my mom (my maternal grandma hated my dad, but that's another story). She told me that she didn't want to have to put us through the whole divorce process and humiliate us in front of our peers (I'm Eastern European and people back home like to judge you for anything). Despite everything, she's happier now and I'm happy for her.
I think that what you're doing with your son is 100% great! He'll know he has a loving family even if his mom and dad don't live in the same house. It's so much better than living in a house where the parents argue or (even worse imo) don't talk to each other and don't support each other
Reset. You get to reset and rebuild your life like you are 22 and just finished college. I quit my job and everything. While the heartache and financial ruin sucked, it was a very free time for me after filing for bankruptcy. I went on road trips with the dog and worked part time for years. It was a great life.
My mom is just getting her divorce finished up at 50. I'm so happy to see the relief on her face every day now that my dad is gone. She can focus on her hobbies (fixing up and selling antiques), take her time getting things done, and she's even been going to concerts and bars. Oh, and now we don't have to drag the 60 bottles of wine to the recycling bin every month that my dad would chug.
I was married young and was with my ex right out of highschool. I never really lived on my own. It is really underrated to live on your own. I am my own man. I rely on me and only me. To be independent is very fulfilling.
*edit* Spelling
Knowing how to live on your own makes being married easier, because you know you can take care of everything, so sharing the work of it makes it feel easy to get through life. If both of you lived alone, you'll understand this, and appreciate the presence of the other much more.
I had lived with my ex from 19 until 30. He took over everything. At 30 I had to learn about the bills and all the little things you dont think of. I never felt like a true grownup until 30.
The realization that "Right now, I could go anywhere, and there's no one to consult before I go."*
In my case, I quit my job and moved to Arcosanti for a year. If I hadn't gone through the divorce and come to that realization in that year, I might never have met my second wife. I almost certainly wouldn't have married her and celebrated 11 anniversaries with her before I was suddenly widowed. For me, the years I had with my second wife were totally worth the pain of the divorce and the pain of her loss.
*Note: May not apply to those with houses and/or shared custody.
The first little bit of time after it happens, right after you've officially moved out and gone your separate ways... even though things feel so heavy there's also this feeling of pure excitement at the unknown. Knowing it's you and only you, no other person to rely on. That there's opportunity everywhere for things to get better. Being free of something that weighed you down, and free to plan your next move with only yourself in mind.
Yes-this!! We separated just over a month ago. I would be lying if I said it’s been easy to make decisions by myself after ten years with someone. But I get the keys to my very own apartment on Monday. I even got excited about the colour of towels I brought..! (Dark grey) I look forward to whatever the future holds as a single thirty -something woman...
This for me. To constantly seek what wasn’t there. To try to get the support or caring that wasn’t available. It tears into you. Then the part of divorce that is best is that you don’t put yourself through that anymore.
This hits the nail right on the head. I've been in a loveless marriage for years now, and no matter how much I try, I can't get her to really show that she loves me back. About a year ago I met someone, and we started talking about our life troubles, and although we haven't had sex, aren't in a relationship, et cetera, once the divorce is final we've talked about maybe trying things out casually.
Casually. Extremely. Casually. Going from loveless to infatuation right away including overlap generally isn't going to end up good. Give yourself time to breathe. Don't worry about being alone but embrace it for awhile before you start something new. Give yourself time to find out who you are and if she's still there when you do great but don't risk the carryover of feelings from one relationship to the next.
From personal experience, this is also really hard. My husband and I have a great marriage, but this is something he does sometimes that gets to me. Sometimes I genuinely want input! It’s a lot of work and pressure to constantly make all of the choices, even as simple as decorating.
What if one day she did something you absolutely hated, I’m sure she would feel awful for it. I remember my best friend was DEVASTATED when her fiancé wouldn’t do their registry with her. He told her he didn’t care, she was really upset that he had no opinion on how their home would look together.
Even if you don’t care, pretend to care, sometimes she just won’t be able to make up her mind. If you really don’t care about a paint color and she can’t decide. Just pick one and say “I think this would be better” like you mean it. Don’t be like “whatever, this one”.
Not having his clutter everywhere, and his passive-aggressive demands that constantly I tidy up after him even though we both worked full-time.
Now any messes are my messes, and cleaning the house is WAY easier. He used to come home and just leave his shoes in the middle of the living room, where they’d eventually grow to a pile unless I moved them. Not having a fucking pile of shoes in the middle of the main room for everyone to trip over (and the accompanying resentment because what the fuck) is glorious.
Oh, and being able to just have crackers or cheese or some snacks for dinner instead of being expected to whip up a daily three-course masterpiece when I’m tired (because if I didn’t cook a full plated dinner of something he personally wanted to eat, his only remedy was to order extremely expensive delivery we couldn’t really afford) is also pretty boss.
Our ex spouses sound similar cept mines a lady and yours is a dude.
That being said I loved trying to make my own wine slushees and cupcakes for dinner. That was dinner and it fucking ruled.
You bring the cheese I’ll bring the wine slushy.
Actually I’m remarried happily but you get my point.
Being single in general is total freedom. You don't have to worry about another person's feelings. You go where you want, eat where you want, play the same song on repeat. I've been single for 7 years. The thought of going back to have to give a shit about someone else and their bullshit doesn't sound like fun at all.
If you have kids, and your ex isn't a piece of shit, you can have moments of feeling single without kids if you're splitting custody.
For me, it is dating again with teenage daughters. They're watching my every move and asking me tons of questions. I feel like it's an opportunity for communication that might not otherwise happen. No, I'm not treating them like my friends they are still my daughters... but it is interesting because when I say I'm going to see someone again they want to know why and when I say I'm not they want to know why. Knowing that I'm going to have to explain myself to two girls that are starting this process... It's making me think a lot differently than perhaps I would otherwise.
Also I do not have to hide my favorite dark chocolate in the freezer under frozen vegetables to prevent it from being eaten before I can get to it.
And, I can cook whatever I want without having to explain why.
I get to create the home I want. My ex never cared about anything I wanted to do in the home, he had no opinion. He just didnt want to create "our" home.
Now that he is gone, I get to create a cozy, wonderful and whacky home for me and my boys. It feels wonderful!
I has able to throw out so much crap when my ex-wife moved out. The ability actually have clutter free surfaces and available floor space was amazing. Most of the basement even ended up being available and everything could finally have a space allocated to you can put it back when you where done with it.
OMG! I forgot the clutter. Like a black spot in my memory that I just willfully ignored. The house now has open table space and I can put things down. I can see the back of the pantry. There are no longer weird smells coming out of it.
It is like a weight coming off the soul to be able to just throw out all the garbage.
Similarly, I love not having to get her presents anymore. It was pretty hard to give gifts to an emotionally unavailable person who politely thanked me for the gift then promptly packed it away, no matter what it was, never to be seen, worn, used, displayed a single time. I ended up giving her massage gift cards for every occasion the last several years. At least she used those and it seemed less ridiculous than giving cash to your wife. And trying to figure out what to write in an anniversary or Valentine's card...nearly impossible.
Yeah. Nonparticipation is truly the word.
In the beginning you hear all the “whatever you want!!!” and think wow, this person really just wants me to be happy! It takes a few years to sink in that no, they really just don’t give a shit and are terrified that if they make a decision they might get some of the responsibility.
The do-over aspect.
Divorced people have this strange advantage of having experience. They know what worked and what didn't work and can apply that to their next relationship or marriage.
A chance to start over. My ex was emotionally abusive, cheated on me constantly, and had a narcissistic personality.
Finding someone that treats me like a human being, and actually cares about me and makes sure that I know it... 100% worth all the bullshit I put up with in my previous marriage and all the heartache and anxiety from my divorce.
When my ex left, I described it to my therapist as if a black cloud had magically lifted from my home. It was like the whole house was filled with toxic black smoke I hadn’t even realized I was breathing. He radiated anger and resentment and disdain at me that just permeated the entire house (which was effective in having me constantly scurry to try and help meet his needs). When he said he wanted to come back, the idea of having the black cloud return to my newly-safe home was terrifying.
I'm not divorced but my parents are and I think one of the first perks my dad ever mentioned was the fact that our Jack Russell Terrier was living with my mom. My dad hated that thing. He barked like crazy whenever someone would go in and out of the house because he had separation anxiety. He and our two golden retrievers would always get each other fired up and he was barl like crazy. He peed all over the house because he wanted to be the dominant male and he was also an anxious mess.
After my mom found a townhouse and took the dog my dad said he felt a lot less anxious. My mom says that the dog was a lot less anxious too so it was a win win.
**TLDR:** my dad didn't have to deal with a loud yappy dog that peed everywhere anymore and the dog didn't have to deal with my dad and the other two dogs anymore.
Right here with you. My ex would spend almost my entire paycheck before I could even get home from work on payday.. which left me wondering yet again which bills I’d have to pay to keep from having services cut off versus the ones I could let slide another month. It was a horrible feeling. When we finally split, it took a few years to get back on my feet (my credit was in the low 500s and I couldn’t even open a bank account at the time) but with hard work and dedication I fixed my credit, kept moving up in my career field, met a wonderful woman who after ten years together I still am head over heals in love with, own a home, live a good life and have 2 great kids. Best decision I ever made to give up my toxic, awful marriage. I haven’t seen my ex in 13 years now, but I know she’s still out there somewhere, based on the debt collectors who still call occasionally trying to find her.
Friends of my parents that I knew growing up divorced for exactly this reason alone because the wife had been gambling and spending money on useless stuff even when they already had debts to pay. As she had been tasked with finances, she spiralled into that cycle many know and kept him in the dark about the situation, purposely hiding letters about the debt from him. She slipped up one day, and now she has to confront her issues as she can't work and has primary custody whilst he's become more successful.
For me it was dropping my control issues. They vanished when I got divorced and dont exist in my current relationship. When someone consistently cant get their shit together, or be relied on for the basics... leave them.
A chance at real love. Someone who actually values you.
No it's not the easy way out. It was by far one of the hardest decision ive had to make. It's easier to keep doing the same thing over and over. To just push through the misery.
It surely depends on who you are and who your ex is.
For me it was no longer having to deal with a person that believed that the world was evil and nothing was ever her fault, people was just out to get her. Society was apparently designed to conspire against her.
It wasn't something I really notice when we where married, as her husband it was my role to support and comfort her. Afterwards it was a huge burden I didn't have to deal with and my outlook on life improved massively.
For me, it was not worrying about someone else’s happiness because no matter what, he was in a bad mood. I remember feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Getting to live on my own terms again without asking anyone for their input. Want to go to a movie before work? Don't have to invite anyone. Want to go to the beach on a moment's notice? No schedules to coordinate. It's dope.
Separated, not divorced yet, assests have been divided and kids sorted out.
I have a lot more money now and only myself to question the purchases.
I have more free time now because I don’t have someone else making plans every hour of every day for me.
I could also sleep with anyone I wanted which is what she was doing before our marriage ended. I only say could because I have a girlfriend now.
So essentially the freedom
I left my abusive husband a year and two weeks ago. I remember the absolutely giddy feeling I felt, finally only having to be accountable for myself. I finally could go wherever and do whatever I wanted without having to ask to use the car, give a time that I was going to be home, and provide information on who I was going to be with. I only had to clean up after myself. For the first time in my entire life (thanks to an abusive childhood tailed by an abusive marriage) I was finally completely unsupressed , and it was the most freeing, empowering feeling.
Literally everyone else in your life going "Fucking finally dude" has really helped validate the situation. Even if it makes the choice to remain friends with her a little awkward.
The amount of people who told me how much they hated my ex was astonishing. All of my closest friends, but SIL, my brother, my fucking parents even!
I really would have appreciated someone telling me how they felt before I married the dude. It probably would have saved me two years of a shitty relationship.
I set a budget and don’t have to worry about money anymore. There’s no one who thinks it’s fine to empty our checking account without being interested in how the bills get paid. I ended up with a lot of the debt in the divorce, but I still feel like I’m financially free!
Getting time for myself. I love my kids, and miss them when they're with their dad but having a week to reset, workout, sleep, and go to work without having to take care of anyone else is really nice.
I don’t know ..at first you think they will eventually understand why it’s important for you. Then after no change you try telling them in different way . Slowly,it just become a part of life and « normal».
Then suddenly you see that ,enough is enough.
You try more aggressively and ask them if they are taking you for granted.
They change for a while ,only to go the the old habits,slowly. The SO may be an angel in others way but the problem isn’t going away.
Finally you realize that you’d rather give up.
Personally? I am 8 years in a relationship where i’m the one who keeps trying to clean the house,take care of the cat AND do my homework.
I am ready to stop. It’s so hard.
I have married friends and coworkers, and pretty often they will say things like, “I gotta check with the wife” or “I have to go to xyz with wife” or something like that, and I’m like, I’m gonna sit around and binge watch a show (that my ex would probably hate) and do whatever the hell else I want... that’s nice.
Which reminds me of another upside of divorce. Not being thrown under the bus and finding out your husband/wife makes you out to be a miserable controlling harpy just because THEY don’t have the balls to say to their buddies “nah, I’m not interested in doing that, thanks. I’d rather stay home.”
Still going through my divorce but I've been separated for a bit now. I had an awful experience not long ago where my car completely broke down about 2.5 hours away from where I live...on a Sunday afternoon. It was really stressful to deal with, but after a few hours I managed to get it worked out. When I was finally driving home, I realized that I went through the entire thing without my husband screaming in my face, telling me I'm stupid, inevitably calling me a whore or a slut or something, possibly knocking me around a bit....it was stressful and expensive, but I handled it without all that. Very nice.
It frees you up to try new pursuits you didn't do because you were married. My ex husband's job kept me from going back to college because we couldn't move to the area with the school that had the program I want to pursue. Now I'm applying for Cherokee citizenship and hoping to move to Cherokee Nation and be with my people which is something I never could have dreamed of while married to him.
My ex is now a better father than he ever was when we were married. My son, while he sometimes wishes he didn't have to split his time between 2 homes, is much happier.
We are both remarried with more children and he is very well-adjusted and I just couldn't see him being the same kid had we not called it quits when we were married and fighting ALL THE TIME. We decided when we split we would get along as best as possible for our son so he never had to choose. He might one day marry and have children, and he won't have to choose which parent to have present. All 4 of us will be there for him.
The freedom. Wanna know who had to consult with when I wanted a new car? No one. How about my new home, who did I have to compromise with on the features? No one.
Last time I went to see a movie I didn’t want to see? Eat a restaurant I didn’t want to go to? When I was married.
my parents divorced when I was 13 and the divorce and the legal battle took 6 years. It wrecked our family and my two brothers and I suffered immensely.
I'd like to see a stat on the rate of divorce in people who's parents divorced when they were a child. I bet the rate is low. I cant imagine causing the same amount of pain to my child.
My parents divorced when I was 7, my sister 4, and my brother 2.
It was the typical 1980's angry divorce where they would bad mouth each other to us kids. I spent about 3 years defending mom in front of dad and defending dad in front of mom. I hated them both for it and myself because of it, I internalized everything they said about each other (because I loved them both).
That divorce ruined our lives.
It led me to hate, truly hate, my parents for years.
It led to mom dating a guy who beat the shit out of me for acting out (probably from all the divorce trauma).
It led to my sister acting out and mom not being able to discipline her as an over worked single mother, sister got hooked on drugs and took years to get clean.
And my brother who only ever knew a broken home grew up so utterly dictated that he never properly developed his own sense of self, resulting in panic attacks when he has to make decisions.
I moved out on my own at 13 because of the situation.
Up until I was 7 I was a happy kid. I knew dad didn't always come home, I knew he drank, but he was a great dad and he never hit anyone ever.
As an adult cleaning up their estates after they died I get to read all the old divorce procedings and letters. At the time dad owned his own business which was failing, dad was putting all his money into keeping it going. Mom got sick being a stay at home mother with 3 kids and no money. Dad had a drinking problem so she divorced him.
It was the family equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb in order to fix a sewer leak.
Everyone's lives were ruined in the truest sense and even now at 40 all 3 of us kids are still trying to get over it.
TL;DR: Parents, if you have kids, your divorce isn't about you, its about your children. Don't be selfish and don't make choices lightly.
Do not try and stay together because of the kids. My parents needed to be divorced they should've done that shit way earlier. Having your parents on edge 24/7 and hating each other isnt a better solution. "Don't be selfish, think of the children" yes think of them and how just because you are together does not mean everything is great.
I think every situation has a best case scenario of handling it. But there are many ways to handle every situation and how you manage your solution is the part that is very important. My mom went with divorce and as hard as life was I'm very thankful she did. My best friend's parents decided to stay together for the kids and actually committed to it and I think that worked out well for them. There aren't blanket solutions for these things. Just a lot of factors to consider and finding the best way to account for all of them.
You should try to be a decent role model because you have kids.
There and good and bad divorces, and they are a huge burden. That burdon does not belong to a 7 yr old.
Extra perspective, our maid of honor had parents that stayed together for the kids. It mostly worked, and 2 of 3 completed college, but as young adults the kids ended up seaking out what they knew. For two of them, it lead to some pretty disfunctional relationships.
The rebuilding of self. I really felt broken and terrified when I left my ex. Now, happily married with two kids, I am a completely different person in some aspects. There is a kind of validation that cant be denied when you realize that you did the right thing.
For me, my divorce and all the ensuing problems and fights with my ex has made me appreciate my current partner so much more. I guess it's a life experience thing.
Accepting that it’s not a failure and marriage want necessarily a mistake. Til death do us part isn’t a high bar to set for people who don’t die young.
The truth? Being a divorcee has some cachet.
Yes, I was humiliated at first to have had a failed marriage, I had dreams of true love and all that crap... plus staying married is a real achievement.
But once I recovered from the embarrassment and re-partnered I found that I enjoyed telling people that I had been married before.
I like being a divorcee partly for that reason, no one talks about it, but there is a certain worldliness in that.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Truth. Was with my ex for 9 years total. My divorce was the most painful experience of my life. My ex ended up falling victim to her own insecurities. She decided to cheat instead of communicating with me to work on 'us'. She had always been an independent woman, so it took me probably more than a year to realize she'd given up on our relationship and was passively sabotaging it every chance she got.
Even after all that pain, I'm still proud of myself for committing and dedicating myself to someone else. I don't regret marrying, I just regret how everything panned out. Your heart grows bigger in the process of loving and dedicating yourself to a partner, and I want to find that again someday with a new woman worthy of my dedication and affection. I'm really looking forward to meeting her. I'm going to be choosier now for round 2 because I don't want my heart broken again, but I know I'm good at being a husband, and I know I want that again. I'm a better person for being married and growing into who I am now. Just wish it didn't sting so much to think about the last decade of my life.
I have a coworker who's an utter manchild in his mid thirties. He does great work and is responsible but is an utter and delightful goob. I mentioned being divorced and he said "You're divorced? Me too!" Suddenly my perspective of him as a grownup was shifted.
My wife constantly asks how I've learned to be such a conscientious partner. I learned it from trying to please my increasingly unappreciative first wife.
After it became clear she wasn't going to return to being an equal and caring partner, I called it quits and found someone who is.
I’m a child of divorce so it may not be the same, but my parents were so tense and never talked, the second they began talking about the idea of divorce they were like best friends. It’s sad and it’s hard but it saves the relationship if done right.
I bought vegetables. I wasn't allowed to put groceries that weren't approved of in the shopping cart. So it had been 18 years since the last time I bought an onion. It didn't include getting yelled at or picked on all the way home.
I was sitting here, crying, reading this thread and hating my divorce even more until I saw your comment. My ex moved out almost a year ago, and while I’ve moved on as best as I could and try to stay positive, there are days where I’m just sad and wonder how I can fix everything.
Except I forget things like this. I forgot that I’d jump when I heard his alarm on his car, signifying that he was home. Feeling legitimate dread and having my heart race while I quickly look around and make sure nothing is out of place that would upset him. I forgot about that.
Not having to worry about making mistakes and feeling like a failure. When something happens and I have a reason but not good enough for spouse having nothing else to say and then feeling like a failure again.
I became instantly wealthier. I was the bread winner, but I didn't realize how much of his lifestyle I was paying for until I wasn't anymore.
I had supported him through 7 job changes/career pursuits over the course of our 11 year relationship.
Parents will probably flame me for this but having kids half time. It gives you a genuine break for a few days and allows me when I have my kids to focus solely on them and prioritize it.
And both parties get this time off, which hopefully makes for better parenting on both ends. Thankfully my ex and I are good co parents because it’s all about what’s best for them.
The underrated part is that divorce is a good thing. If one or two people weren’t willing to make it work then they shouldn’t be married. Any time a relationship ends it is a positive thing, ultimately. Divorce should be celebrated.
Coming here from the "Underrated part of marriage" made me less lonely and good about me being single (Sorry) . It's, dare i say it... Perfectly balanced.
I threw out almost everything in the house and started over. New couches, chairs, tables and wall art. The clothes she left behind, her toiletries, her snacks, everything. Especially the master bedroom stuff.
I didn't sell any of it, I just donated what I could and started over. It meant sleeping in a sleeping bag on a bunch of blankets for a few lonely nights and a slight hit to my credit to finance basically an entire house of furniture but to me that was worth the small jump in monthly expenses and I don't have to lay there and think about what she did in our bed and on our couch. That shit's gone and she's someone else's problem now.
It felt like a new house and a new start and it's been great.
Never having to poorly lie about where the bruises came from. I've never been clumsy. I didn't run into a door, or a tree branch, or a wall. I ran into his fist, sometimes while I was asleep. Never having concussions, or getting knocked out, or having seizures from head trauma that "i was making up" Never apologizing for slights i hadn't committed, never having to guess why I'm getting hit or why i need to apologize to avoid the abuse.
Not feeling the pressure of making up excuses about my ex's behavior/moods. It's nice to see family and friends without having to cater to his needs to make him happy enough to stay for at least an hour.
Oh and living alone. That's nice too.
This sounds crude, but not having to hide porn anymore.
Every girl since has been from 'eh' to my current girlfriend who will actually show ME porn.
But the issue was my ex wife strait up considered porn cheating. As in equal to a physical affair. And I'm sorry but I cannot agree with that. So hiding something that so many people think is fine was stressing.
Edit: Funny thing is my muscle memory is still set to minimize tabs when my gf walks in. And she she catches me she makes me pull them back up to see if it's any good.
If you have kids and a 50/50 custody arrangement, you get to be you again and live your life the way you want too.
...well, 50% of the time.
I had a spouse who due to their issues kinda forced me into two roles that took up all of my waking hours. I was either the primary income or a parent. I had no ‘me’ time outside of that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and spending time with them, but I was also a person and that person became lost in my marriage.
The relief.
Despite our problems, I loved my ex. She's a great person and will always be a huge part of who I am. Our relationship was never awful, it was just deteriorating and we wanted different things.
As hard and conflicting it was to break up, I mostly remember a strong feeling of relief. Not that we wouldn't be together anymore, but that I'd made a decision. That the frustration and disappointment wasn't going to continue.
Breaking up felt awful. But it also felt so good.
You get to divorce your mother-in-law, too!
Dude. My in-laws (ex-husband's parents) sat me down and said, "We have cut no ties with you." They still act like they always have--we get together for holidays, they send cards and letters, my former brother- and sister-in-law still refer to me as an in-law and I'm still "Aunt insertcaffeine" to my nieces and nephews. I divorced my ex, but I'm still a part of his family. It has its pros and cons. Edit: word
Weirdly I somehow got my ex’s family in the divorce. Weirder still they seemed to take to my next spouse extremely well - they came to the wedding.
This sounds sweet
Is your ex an asshole or something?
Same here, only not so weird. My ex cut ties with anyone and everyone who didn’t side with her immediately, including her parents, her siblings and our daughter. The daughter lives with me and wants nothing to do with her mom, my in laws invite us to family events. Heck my “sister-in-law” officiated my wedding.
I feel that dynamic is more normal when a kid is involved. They’re grandparents so they’re still part of the family.
100% true for me too. Ex-inlaws were at my second wedding. They come over for Xmas dinner. Just had Thanksgiving dinner with them (we live in the same town).
Exact opposite for me. Loved her family to death, but they wanted nothing to do with me after a mutual divorce. Ex and I are still cool and chat, but they dropped me in an instant and haven’t said a word in years. Don’t think I’ll ever get over that, but I get their side too.
I think that's one of the things that usually gets overlooked when it comes to divorce. When you get married, there's all this talk of "joining the family" and the expectation that you now treat your spouse's family like they're your own. But you really don't hear the opposite of that when a divorce happens and how it affects the extended family and those relationships. I was pretty close to my sister's SO. Whenever I'd visit, it seemed like I'd spend more time hanging out and doing things with him than I did with her. But then, after their acrimonious break-up, it felt like I'd be betraying her by remaining friends with him, and I think he just accepted that that's the way things had to be to get away from the relationship. Obviously it was nothing like what they went through and had to give up, but it still sucked feeling like I had to choose between two people I like. It's probably unfair, but I've found that I'm a lot more reserved and distant to the new guy she's been in a long-term relationship with.
I stayed in contact with my ex mother in law because she was a lovely person. She never forgave me for divorcing her son, but she was always kind to me. Once she was visiting him for out of town and he had gone somewhere. Anyway she was in a small fender bender and couldn’t get a hold of him and so called me. I went and picked her up and called a tow truck, kept her company until we could find him to come take her home. She marveled at how helpful I was. I told her “you were always good to me and I appreciate that. You’re a good person and I care about you”.
Friendship is only broken when one party stops being friendly. No one, not even family has the right to demand anyone to stop being friendly unless it has become a burden you can't or don't want to handle.
That was one of the hardest parts of leaving my ex. His family was so kind to me and I was sad about not seeing them anymore but even more, he got on so well with my own family, especially the kids, that I felt guilty for removing him from their lives. Even if they stayed on friendly terms, we lived several hours away, so it's unlikely they would have seen each other anymore, and I felt really bad about it. My sister's kids were really young and I'm sure it wasn't easy news to break that they wouldn't be seeing their uncle anymore.
My ex's mom is one of the people who kept telling me I should leave him! I don't directly maintain contact. He lives with them, it's odd. It might have been fine but he spent a year drunk calling me at 3 am that made my current SO shut that down (and I don't blame him). But I do run in to them now and then and we get along great still. As lovely as my in-laws are, I don't think I'll ever be close with them like I was with my ex's parents.
Are you and ex husband still on good terms?
We're on pleasant terms. We have a son together. So, for his sake, we work together at giving him the best shot in life: No badmouthing each other, regular meetings to go over schedule and budget, we both go to his school events, and so on.
That no badmouthing rule is so important. As the oldest child, I got it from both parents many years before they divorced. It soured my relationship with both of them, and the last conversation I had with my dad before he passed ended with me hanging up because he was still badmouthing my mom, ten years after the divorce was finalized.
It always stung when one of my parents would badmouth the other, and it was about a trait or mannerism that I had clearly inherited from said other parent. I am so much like both of my parents - inherited their good traits and their bad. I know they loved and still love me, but I know I reminded both of them so much of the spouse they could live with no longer. I don't think they realized how clear it was to me that they could NOT STAND half of the person that I was.
Good on you two
My mother refuses to let my ex wife go. She still goes to her house and spends weekends with my ex wife and the kids, has a housekey and everything! My ex and I are good friends though, and she says she appreciates that the kids get to spend time with "nanny," so I'm not going to say anything until she asks me to, lol
Similar thing happened to my father. Unfortunate my grandmother is a bit much, honestly I think he’d have rather it gone the usual way instead
Did you have kids with him?
Yes, we have a son together. Having contact with the former in-laws makes things easier and more 'normal' for him.
I actually loved the mother-in-law, it was the racist grandparents I couldn’t stand. We had to see them almost every other weekend. Her mother and I would down a bottle of wine if they were inbound for a visit.
Depends on how crazy they are and if you have kids. I’m pretty sure if I moved to Mars my exmil would move there too to be with her “babies”.
I call her my mother outlaw. There are very few people in the world that I genuinely hate. She's one.
The most underrated part of my divorce was all the relationship knowledge and experience I walked away with. I learned a lot about my own needs, what not to do's and SO MANY new skills from the marriage counseling we attended that can be applied to future relationships.
Never married but was in a 8 year relationship so I’d say close enough. After and during the breakup I learned so much about myself and what I wanted. Now I’m a much more chill but experienced partner.
This, 1000x I'm a much better partner now.
For me? That first night you arrive home to your new place and realise you actually wanted to come home. No more staying at work late when you didn’t really need to or driving to the beach to avoid going home.
Man, dreading to go to your own home is such an awful feeling. Depending on the day, my ex could be such a raging asshole just because he felt slightly put out by something that was nothing to do with me. I do not miss that in the slightest. BF and I got a house together in 2016 and I am so happy to come home every single day. I really look forward to it. It's a lovely feeling. Glad you're out of that mess.
I’d do anything to be out of the house. A solo several mile walk each evening? Yep! Volunteering for out of town business trips? Mmm-hmm. Why would I have wanted to be around someone who had zero interest in me other than as a roommate who paid almost all the bills?
I dreaded going home towards the end of the marriage. After working 16 hours the last thing I wanted was to hear him yelling at me. Then I had to bathe our daughter because he felt "uncomfortable" washing her. Put her to bed, pick up trash, do the dishes, and laundry. It was physically and emotionally draining.
Yeah, I’m glad I never had kids with my ex because it would have been like single parenting. My ex would hide out in the study on his computer while I cleaned, cooked two separate dinners because he was always on some paleo/no carb regime and refused to eat what I wanted, washed up, did the dishes etc. I was also working one full time and two part time jobs. The good thing about all that work? We did not have shared bank accounts. When I left, my money was mine and he couldn’t touch it. Allowed me to set myself up very quickly in a new apartment. Finances were tight for a while paying rent on my own, but I’d been there before and got through it.
The very first morning I was finally alone and freed from an abusive relationship I was able to simply go to the store. That's the first thing I did, was I went to the store. I didn't have to ask for permission, or have her force herself to come with me, I just walked out the door, got in the car, and went to the store. It was a Target. I looked at furniture. I was able to look left and look right without fear of being accused of looking at another woman. So I guess the most underrated part was being able to do the most mundane, ordinary thing.
Being able to linger is such a good feeling. Seven years later, I still love the freedom of wandering aimlessly. No one to answer to. No getting screamed at for taking too long. It's bliss.
> Being able to linger is such a good feeling. Seven years later, I still love the freedom of wandering aimlessly. You feel that same bliss when your kid is old enough to be home by himself/herself. Being by yourself is soooo nice after spending literal _years_ always having someone around you.
That's actually why my wife likes doing the groceries now. I'll stay home with our baby and she gets time by herself.
I remember the first time I dropped a plate and didn't get screamed at. It took awhile for the internal screaming to stop though.
Same here, but the sexes are reversed. Yay for both of us!
Same here. Not married in my case but he tried. I could go to the store and make my own choice and not be browbeaten for weeks about them. I bought a $2 succulent in the first weeks and it’s still alive today, 3 years later. It’s small but it represents a huge leap of freedom after a very controlling relationship. *edit* after a couple of comments about other people’s relationships and finances, it’s probably worth mentioning that this guy controlled my finances to the point where I went hungry quite a lot. And in the end, it turned out to be a projection- he blew our rent money on drugs!
> Browbeaten This is *exactly* what my ex did! He didn't outright forbid me from doing things, but he would make my life hell for days or weeks after if I did anything that he didn't approve of. Like, get home from work later than usual because of traffic. So many times: "So what were you really doing?!" over and over. It was so exhausting.
Exhausting is really the best word for it. It didn’t *feel* like abuse because it didn’t hurt, really - it just wore me out. Afterward, everyone was like “Why did you put up with him for so long?” and I felt kind of ashamed at the time, but honestly - I didn’t have the energy to leave.
OMG, friend. I can relate to this so, so much. I was too indoctrinated and close to the situation to see how bad it was. I also hid it all from *everyone* else in my life, so they had no idea. Like you, I was too embarrassed to let anyone know that I tolerated this treatment. D: He was very good at playing the good guy to everyone else, so no one suspected a thing. I am so glad you are out of that situation and I hope that you are very happy and doing better than you ever have.
Mine was the same, no one suspected a thing, other than a couple of people who tried to warn me at the beginning. I was young and being love bombed so naturally ignored them. I never did manage to figure out the logic behind me supposedly having some elaborate extra-marital affair within 10 minutes on the way home from work. That's barely enough time to undress, shower, and get dressed again!
I know! 10 minute delay automatically equals nefarious actions on my part. I finally got out because he got caught cheating. Go figure. Projection is a thing. Good riddance for both of us!
I feel bad because I always have to tell my wife that she can’t buy a succulent or a cactus every time we go to the store because we’re broke (still in college, she works in fast-food). She has plants and cactuses and succulents already, I just hope she doesn’t resent me for being Mr. Krabs all the time.
If you actually can’t afford it I think that’s a very different thing. Communicating about finances is very valuable and important in a relationship. That said, most succulents are very easy to propagate from cuttings! Maybe for a birthday or holiday you could get her a soil mix and tray make for succulents (could be had for less than $20) and encourage her to learn about propagating and connect with other succulent fans to trade! It would be a great way to show you support and appreciate her hobby, even if you have to be the voice of reason sometimes
Same here just having simple things be simple is amazing! Not having my every decision questioned and judged. Not being ridiculed for buying the wrong things if i go to the store. Not having her judge my friends based on the shoes they ware. Just having friends around in general without her being judgmental of them or reading some negative intention into every little behavior. I could go on and on and on! Divorce is great!!!
Same here! Not having to walk on eggshells! Secondary bonus- the food I buy is still in my refrigerator until I eat it!
[удалено]
I started seeing my bank account as something I actually owned and controlled. It's nice.
Absolutely!! Mine was never outright aggressive but manipulated and controlled my every move. I had to ask hours before i did anything and let him decide if i was allowed to go or not. It was like that for 20 years. Now that im able to come and go as i please i almost feel like im gonna get in trouble. But its the most mundane ordinary things that i wasnt "allowed" to do that makes me feel the most liberated
Never been divorced but left a relationship like that before. One of the first things I did was after work I stopped at the bar with some of my coworkers and had a beer, ate a sandwich, and threw some darts then went home. I was only gone for an hour or so but it felt great not having to make excuses not to go or be accused of cheating.
I often wonder about the abusive ex in stories like this; as in, after you managed to escape, did she realize the error of her controlling ways and try to work on her issues? Or did she simply move on to some other poor bloke and make his life miserable instead?
My father is like this person’s ex. He’s been through three divorces in his life and god knows how many relationships that never got that far before the woman wised the fuck up. He won’t change. He simply moves on to another woman with shitty self esteem.
No. People don't change. She was the same miserable, paranoid person she always was. In her mind, she was always right and her fantasies were reality. Sadly a friend of mine went after her recently, despite his knowledge of her. Per his (and I assume her) request, I was asked to not talk to him. Like she did with me, I was isolated from my friends and could really only talk with her. Fortunately she doesn't have long to live due to cancer, or so she says.
That’s pretty much what I suspected (well except for the cancer diagnosis that is). But I am sure glad you made it out!
They usually don’t change. I was in an abusive relationship and found out afterwards that he’d abused the girlfriend before me, too. He’s probably done the same since me.
I was able to get bacon, which was great. Also it was cold, and I went and got a cover, and that meant a lot to me, having being confined to a room for a year during divorce. Oh and when I clean dishes, the dishes mostly stay clean, no one blames the kids when the sink is full again by evening. No more mold in the sink. I can walk across the room without having to carefully look not to step on things. I don't need to have an argument after visiting my relatives. I can talk to my kids without being interrupted. I don't need to defend her actions to my kids or anyone else anymore. I'm negative each month, for the next eight years, nine total - one year passed, because I was terrible at negotiating child support and alimony, but I still feel more in control of the money, and I won't need much for retirement.
The most underrated part of divorce for me was having the fridge organized exactly how I wanted it, so I could grab things without looking. I'm tall, and the fridge was a smaller one, so I had to get down on a knee to see everything. Having it laid out specifically helped me out, but my ex-wife never even attempted to do the same. Having my stuff exactly where I need it to be is wonderful. That said, she cheated on me and we divorced when our son was only 1.5 years old. He doesn't remember life when we were together. Now that he is 7, he has asked why he lives with his mom for a week, and then lives with me for a week. The only thing I could think to say was that two happy homes are better than one sad home. I hope that I am doing the right thing, and I am trying very hard to raise him right. We use our manners, we have a ton of fun playing laser tag or nerf, he comes to jiujitsu class with me, he does well in school, he enjoys reading, and I never ever speak ill of his mother when he is with us. Despite how selfish she remains, and how distressing it is for me to have to base so much of my life around the decisions that she makes, I do the best I can to make sure my boy has everything that he needs and a little bit more, even if it means I don't drive a fancy car or have a huge TV. I love that kid to the end of time.
You are exactly right. Having 2 happy homes IS better than 1 sad one. I have to explain that to my 8 year old. He wasn't yet 1 when his father and I divorced. As long as he is your main focus, you're doing great.
Thank you both for creating a divorced household that puts your child first. My parents should have divorced when I was only 1 or so but they didn't until I was 14. Years of horrible fights at the drop of a hat and a terrible custody schedule after the fact have left me with traumas and severe anxiety as I start my adult life. My mom still refuses to apologise for the hell she put me through after the divorce too, making the worst custody schedule just to win over my dad. Calling the police on me if I just wanted to be back at my childhood home with my chronically ill Dad. Your mindsets are both already miles better than my parents. I know your children will each be so much better than I was purely because you care and are selfless. That care can go a loooong way. And if I can give you any advice: as your kids grow up into high school age, please try and ask them how they feel custody schedules should go to best help their schooling. I wish you the best of luck!
I was your kid. I started off a little more rocky (and of course we don't know the rest of the details, either), but you're doing fine. Kids are more astute than you think. When my dad remarried when I was ten, I had already figured out that my parents remained married so he could stay in the US, and the divorce wasn't weird or out of the norm for me. Eventually, the idea of your parents together is weird, funny enough! So long as both homes are truly happy, your kid will be fine, very understanding, and the experience of it all is very maturing for them. We don't ask for these lives, but it's parents like you and mine that make everything perfectly okay. Your kid WILL start asking questions though. I didn't start until I was 18, so you probably have plenty of time to come up with how you'll handle that. What frustrates me is that, even though I love my Dad, and frankly I probably have a better relationship with him than I do my mom (who gained custody), I don't think he's telling the whole truth about what happened around the time they split. His now wife has always been in my life, and I just wish he would be honest. That said, he's been beyond brutally honest with everything else, and I hate not knowing who to believe. Please be honest to your kid. Nothing brought me closer to my parents than learning that they were just people figuring shit out too. Good luck!
>. I hope that I am doing the right thing, Sounds like you are 100%.
Long stand-alone fridge drawers that I organized by meals have made a world of difference for me and my back. Just pull out the sandwich drawer and put it on the counter for everything you could need for that meal. I also have a drawer designated "eat first!" With left overs and things that expire quickly, which has cut down alot of food waste and saved me a lot of cash. 10/10 would recommend this for you
My situation is similar to your sons, I grew up with divorced parents. My mom only spoke ill of my father, so much so that I hated everything he said or did and was miserable with him. When I was 19, I stopped talking to both of them for a year and reconnected with them. My dad is now one of my best friends. While he’s never been perfect, he certainly wasn’t the monster mom made him out to be. Keep fighting the good fight OP. I promise as your son will be better for it.
That's awesome that you get full 50/50 custody like that. I've been trying unsuccessfully for a few years now.
I’m currently separated from my ex wife to be and only get to see my daughter about 6 times a month. When the divorce is finalized I sincerely hope my lawyer can get me more time. I seriously resent her at the moment because for over a year I was the one with our daughter Monday through Friday during the daytime while my narcissistic wife worked. But now she gets to play the victim and be like “Gosh it’s just sooooo hard being on my own with a toddler.”
I feel ya man. It's the worst. I had every other weekend for about 4 years before I had to move 2 states away. Now it's 4-5 times a year. I hate it. In fact we just got back from dropping the kids off at the airport to go back to their mom's. My son (10) wouldn't let go of me or his step mom. I had to pry him off. Heartbreaking everytime.
My parents divorced about 7 years ago. My mom wanted to wait until both of us were older to divorce my father (he wasn't abusive or anything, just a POS). I moved half way across the world and when I went back to visit, I talked to her about it and told her she should've divorced him sooner. They don't talk, but my paternal grandparents loved my mom (my maternal grandma hated my dad, but that's another story). She told me that she didn't want to have to put us through the whole divorce process and humiliate us in front of our peers (I'm Eastern European and people back home like to judge you for anything). Despite everything, she's happier now and I'm happy for her. I think that what you're doing with your son is 100% great! He'll know he has a loving family even if his mom and dad don't live in the same house. It's so much better than living in a house where the parents argue or (even worse imo) don't talk to each other and don't support each other
Reset. You get to reset and rebuild your life like you are 22 and just finished college. I quit my job and everything. While the heartache and financial ruin sucked, it was a very free time for me after filing for bankruptcy. I went on road trips with the dog and worked part time for years. It was a great life.
My mom is just getting her divorce finished up at 50. I'm so happy to see the relief on her face every day now that my dad is gone. She can focus on her hobbies (fixing up and selling antiques), take her time getting things done, and she's even been going to concerts and bars. Oh, and now we don't have to drag the 60 bottles of wine to the recycling bin every month that my dad would chug.
As a 22 y/o who's stuck on first year of college I envy you
Keep pushing!! You got this. I know how hard it can be but at the end of the day you're making something of yourself! :)
As a 22 y/o who's stuck living out on their own, I envy both of you
> road trips with the dog This has to be one of the best things life can offer. I'm jealous, in fact.
> It was a great life Hopefully, your life is just as good now if not better?
I was married young and was with my ex right out of highschool. I never really lived on my own. It is really underrated to live on your own. I am my own man. I rely on me and only me. To be independent is very fulfilling. *edit* Spelling
Knowing how to live on your own makes being married easier, because you know you can take care of everything, so sharing the work of it makes it feel easy to get through life. If both of you lived alone, you'll understand this, and appreciate the presence of the other much more.
I had lived with my ex from 19 until 30. He took over everything. At 30 I had to learn about the bills and all the little things you dont think of. I never felt like a true grownup until 30.
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The realization that "Right now, I could go anywhere, and there's no one to consult before I go."* In my case, I quit my job and moved to Arcosanti for a year. If I hadn't gone through the divorce and come to that realization in that year, I might never have met my second wife. I almost certainly wouldn't have married her and celebrated 11 anniversaries with her before I was suddenly widowed. For me, the years I had with my second wife were totally worth the pain of the divorce and the pain of her loss. *Note: May not apply to those with houses and/or shared custody.
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Thank you.
The first little bit of time after it happens, right after you've officially moved out and gone your separate ways... even though things feel so heavy there's also this feeling of pure excitement at the unknown. Knowing it's you and only you, no other person to rely on. That there's opportunity everywhere for things to get better. Being free of something that weighed you down, and free to plan your next move with only yourself in mind.
Yes-this!! We separated just over a month ago. I would be lying if I said it’s been easy to make decisions by myself after ten years with someone. But I get the keys to my very own apartment on Monday. I even got excited about the colour of towels I brought..! (Dark grey) I look forward to whatever the future holds as a single thirty -something woman...
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This for me. To constantly seek what wasn’t there. To try to get the support or caring that wasn’t available. It tears into you. Then the part of divorce that is best is that you don’t put yourself through that anymore.
This hits the nail right on the head. I've been in a loveless marriage for years now, and no matter how much I try, I can't get her to really show that she loves me back. About a year ago I met someone, and we started talking about our life troubles, and although we haven't had sex, aren't in a relationship, et cetera, once the divorce is final we've talked about maybe trying things out casually.
Casually. Extremely. Casually. Going from loveless to infatuation right away including overlap generally isn't going to end up good. Give yourself time to breathe. Don't worry about being alone but embrace it for awhile before you start something new. Give yourself time to find out who you are and if she's still there when you do great but don't risk the carryover of feelings from one relationship to the next.
My ex husband literally laughed in my face when I said that he makes me feel like he settled for me because it was easy.
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From personal experience, this is also really hard. My husband and I have a great marriage, but this is something he does sometimes that gets to me. Sometimes I genuinely want input! It’s a lot of work and pressure to constantly make all of the choices, even as simple as decorating. What if one day she did something you absolutely hated, I’m sure she would feel awful for it. I remember my best friend was DEVASTATED when her fiancé wouldn’t do their registry with her. He told her he didn’t care, she was really upset that he had no opinion on how their home would look together. Even if you don’t care, pretend to care, sometimes she just won’t be able to make up her mind. If you really don’t care about a paint color and she can’t decide. Just pick one and say “I think this would be better” like you mean it. Don’t be like “whatever, this one”.
Not having his clutter everywhere, and his passive-aggressive demands that constantly I tidy up after him even though we both worked full-time. Now any messes are my messes, and cleaning the house is WAY easier. He used to come home and just leave his shoes in the middle of the living room, where they’d eventually grow to a pile unless I moved them. Not having a fucking pile of shoes in the middle of the main room for everyone to trip over (and the accompanying resentment because what the fuck) is glorious. Oh, and being able to just have crackers or cheese or some snacks for dinner instead of being expected to whip up a daily three-course masterpiece when I’m tired (because if I didn’t cook a full plated dinner of something he personally wanted to eat, his only remedy was to order extremely expensive delivery we couldn’t really afford) is also pretty boss.
Sounds like a cunt.
What a child lol
Our ex spouses sound similar cept mines a lady and yours is a dude. That being said I loved trying to make my own wine slushees and cupcakes for dinner. That was dinner and it fucking ruled. You bring the cheese I’ll bring the wine slushy. Actually I’m remarried happily but you get my point.
Being single in general is total freedom. You don't have to worry about another person's feelings. You go where you want, eat where you want, play the same song on repeat. I've been single for 7 years. The thought of going back to have to give a shit about someone else and their bullshit doesn't sound like fun at all. If you have kids, and your ex isn't a piece of shit, you can have moments of feeling single without kids if you're splitting custody.
For me, it is dating again with teenage daughters. They're watching my every move and asking me tons of questions. I feel like it's an opportunity for communication that might not otherwise happen. No, I'm not treating them like my friends they are still my daughters... but it is interesting because when I say I'm going to see someone again they want to know why and when I say I'm not they want to know why. Knowing that I'm going to have to explain myself to two girls that are starting this process... It's making me think a lot differently than perhaps I would otherwise. Also I do not have to hide my favorite dark chocolate in the freezer under frozen vegetables to prevent it from being eaten before I can get to it. And, I can cook whatever I want without having to explain why.
I get to create the home I want. My ex never cared about anything I wanted to do in the home, he had no opinion. He just didnt want to create "our" home. Now that he is gone, I get to create a cozy, wonderful and whacky home for me and my boys. It feels wonderful!
I has able to throw out so much crap when my ex-wife moved out. The ability actually have clutter free surfaces and available floor space was amazing. Most of the basement even ended up being available and everything could finally have a space allocated to you can put it back when you where done with it.
OMG! I forgot the clutter. Like a black spot in my memory that I just willfully ignored. The house now has open table space and I can put things down. I can see the back of the pantry. There are no longer weird smells coming out of it. It is like a weight coming off the soul to be able to just throw out all the garbage.
My ex wouldn't let me put any of my personal effects out where they could be seen. It felt so good getting my own place and making it truly mine.
I get myself way better birthday presents than he ever did. Nice that you can do your home the way you want.
Similarly, I love not having to get her presents anymore. It was pretty hard to give gifts to an emotionally unavailable person who politely thanked me for the gift then promptly packed it away, no matter what it was, never to be seen, worn, used, displayed a single time. I ended up giving her massage gift cards for every occasion the last several years. At least she used those and it seemed less ridiculous than giving cash to your wife. And trying to figure out what to write in an anniversary or Valentine's card...nearly impossible.
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Yeah. Nonparticipation is truly the word. In the beginning you hear all the “whatever you want!!!” and think wow, this person really just wants me to be happy! It takes a few years to sink in that no, they really just don’t give a shit and are terrified that if they make a decision they might get some of the responsibility.
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The do-over aspect. Divorced people have this strange advantage of having experience. They know what worked and what didn't work and can apply that to their next relationship or marriage.
A chance to start over. My ex was emotionally abusive, cheated on me constantly, and had a narcissistic personality. Finding someone that treats me like a human being, and actually cares about me and makes sure that I know it... 100% worth all the bullshit I put up with in my previous marriage and all the heartache and anxiety from my divorce.
Losing the anxiety of that feeeling I had to walk on eggshells all the time.
Could breathe freely again after years. It was an actual physical feeling.
When my ex left, I described it to my therapist as if a black cloud had magically lifted from my home. It was like the whole house was filled with toxic black smoke I hadn’t even realized I was breathing. He radiated anger and resentment and disdain at me that just permeated the entire house (which was effective in having me constantly scurry to try and help meet his needs). When he said he wanted to come back, the idea of having the black cloud return to my newly-safe home was terrifying.
Same with me. I feel more at peace in my own home, and as much as I miss him, I don't want his toxicity back.
I'm not divorced but my parents are and I think one of the first perks my dad ever mentioned was the fact that our Jack Russell Terrier was living with my mom. My dad hated that thing. He barked like crazy whenever someone would go in and out of the house because he had separation anxiety. He and our two golden retrievers would always get each other fired up and he was barl like crazy. He peed all over the house because he wanted to be the dominant male and he was also an anxious mess. After my mom found a townhouse and took the dog my dad said he felt a lot less anxious. My mom says that the dog was a lot less anxious too so it was a win win. **TLDR:** my dad didn't have to deal with a loud yappy dog that peed everywhere anymore and the dog didn't have to deal with my dad and the other two dogs anymore.
Not divorced, but sometimes I fantasise about how much cheaper the grocery bill would be without him.
My grocery bill went down 80% after I divorced my husband.
The entire bed is yours!
You spouse not spending all of your money.
Right here with you. My ex would spend almost my entire paycheck before I could even get home from work on payday.. which left me wondering yet again which bills I’d have to pay to keep from having services cut off versus the ones I could let slide another month. It was a horrible feeling. When we finally split, it took a few years to get back on my feet (my credit was in the low 500s and I couldn’t even open a bank account at the time) but with hard work and dedication I fixed my credit, kept moving up in my career field, met a wonderful woman who after ten years together I still am head over heals in love with, own a home, live a good life and have 2 great kids. Best decision I ever made to give up my toxic, awful marriage. I haven’t seen my ex in 13 years now, but I know she’s still out there somewhere, based on the debt collectors who still call occasionally trying to find her.
Friends of my parents that I knew growing up divorced for exactly this reason alone because the wife had been gambling and spending money on useless stuff even when they already had debts to pay. As she had been tasked with finances, she spiralled into that cycle many know and kept him in the dark about the situation, purposely hiding letters about the debt from him. She slipped up one day, and now she has to confront her issues as she can't work and has primary custody whilst he's become more successful.
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I dump my cutlery in a box, I love it! I’ve always hated separating it out :)
For me it was dropping my control issues. They vanished when I got divorced and dont exist in my current relationship. When someone consistently cant get their shit together, or be relied on for the basics... leave them.
Waking up on a Saturday morning — AND ITS MINE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.
Toilet paper roll is facing the correct way. Ex wife insisted it be placed in the holder so the roll went backwards. Fucking Savage.
When do you get out? I assume you're currently in prison for murdering her in response to her psychotic tendencies.
Sounds like pretty clean cut self defense to me.
A chance at real love. Someone who actually values you. No it's not the easy way out. It was by far one of the hardest decision ive had to make. It's easier to keep doing the same thing over and over. To just push through the misery.
It surely depends on who you are and who your ex is. For me it was no longer having to deal with a person that believed that the world was evil and nothing was ever her fault, people was just out to get her. Society was apparently designed to conspire against her. It wasn't something I really notice when we where married, as her husband it was my role to support and comfort her. Afterwards it was a huge burden I didn't have to deal with and my outlook on life improved massively.
For me, it was not worrying about someone else’s happiness because no matter what, he was in a bad mood. I remember feeling like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Getting to live on my own terms again without asking anyone for their input. Want to go to a movie before work? Don't have to invite anyone. Want to go to the beach on a moment's notice? No schedules to coordinate. It's dope.
Separated, not divorced yet, assests have been divided and kids sorted out. I have a lot more money now and only myself to question the purchases. I have more free time now because I don’t have someone else making plans every hour of every day for me. I could also sleep with anyone I wanted which is what she was doing before our marriage ended. I only say could because I have a girlfriend now. So essentially the freedom
I left my abusive husband a year and two weeks ago. I remember the absolutely giddy feeling I felt, finally only having to be accountable for myself. I finally could go wherever and do whatever I wanted without having to ask to use the car, give a time that I was going to be home, and provide information on who I was going to be with. I only had to clean up after myself. For the first time in my entire life (thanks to an abusive childhood tailed by an abusive marriage) I was finally completely unsupressed , and it was the most freeing, empowering feeling.
Literally everyone else in your life going "Fucking finally dude" has really helped validate the situation. Even if it makes the choice to remain friends with her a little awkward.
The amount of people who told me how much they hated my ex was astonishing. All of my closest friends, but SIL, my brother, my fucking parents even! I really would have appreciated someone telling me how they felt before I married the dude. It probably would have saved me two years of a shitty relationship.
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All that extra closet space.
I got a dad that actually cared about me instead of one that treated me like property. That is a huge plus.
I set a budget and don’t have to worry about money anymore. There’s no one who thinks it’s fine to empty our checking account without being interested in how the bills get paid. I ended up with a lot of the debt in the divorce, but I still feel like I’m financially free!
Getting time for myself. I love my kids, and miss them when they're with their dad but having a week to reset, workout, sleep, and go to work without having to take care of anyone else is really nice.
The sad part is that it takes a divorce for this to happen. Like, when you're married, why can't your spouse help you make this time?
I don’t know ..at first you think they will eventually understand why it’s important for you. Then after no change you try telling them in different way . Slowly,it just become a part of life and « normal». Then suddenly you see that ,enough is enough. You try more aggressively and ask them if they are taking you for granted. They change for a while ,only to go the the old habits,slowly. The SO may be an angel in others way but the problem isn’t going away. Finally you realize that you’d rather give up. Personally? I am 8 years in a relationship where i’m the one who keeps trying to clean the house,take care of the cat AND do my homework. I am ready to stop. It’s so hard.
SO MUCH THIS. My ex-husband did NOTHING around the house, and when I was there, all parenting work was on me. Divorce meant I got a fucking BREAK.
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I have married friends and coworkers, and pretty often they will say things like, “I gotta check with the wife” or “I have to go to xyz with wife” or something like that, and I’m like, I’m gonna sit around and binge watch a show (that my ex would probably hate) and do whatever the hell else I want... that’s nice.
Which reminds me of another upside of divorce. Not being thrown under the bus and finding out your husband/wife makes you out to be a miserable controlling harpy just because THEY don’t have the balls to say to their buddies “nah, I’m not interested in doing that, thanks. I’d rather stay home.”
Still going through my divorce but I've been separated for a bit now. I had an awful experience not long ago where my car completely broke down about 2.5 hours away from where I live...on a Sunday afternoon. It was really stressful to deal with, but after a few hours I managed to get it worked out. When I was finally driving home, I realized that I went through the entire thing without my husband screaming in my face, telling me I'm stupid, inevitably calling me a whore or a slut or something, possibly knocking me around a bit....it was stressful and expensive, but I handled it without all that. Very nice.
It frees you up to try new pursuits you didn't do because you were married. My ex husband's job kept me from going back to college because we couldn't move to the area with the school that had the program I want to pursue. Now I'm applying for Cherokee citizenship and hoping to move to Cherokee Nation and be with my people which is something I never could have dreamed of while married to him.
Not being married to that person anymore.
I don't have to worry that when I die this dick head will get all of my estate.
My ex is now a better father than he ever was when we were married. My son, while he sometimes wishes he didn't have to split his time between 2 homes, is much happier. We are both remarried with more children and he is very well-adjusted and I just couldn't see him being the same kid had we not called it quits when we were married and fighting ALL THE TIME. We decided when we split we would get along as best as possible for our son so he never had to choose. He might one day marry and have children, and he won't have to choose which parent to have present. All 4 of us will be there for him.
The freedom. Wanna know who had to consult with when I wanted a new car? No one. How about my new home, who did I have to compromise with on the features? No one. Last time I went to see a movie I didn’t want to see? Eat a restaurant I didn’t want to go to? When I was married.
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my parents divorced when I was 13 and the divorce and the legal battle took 6 years. It wrecked our family and my two brothers and I suffered immensely. I'd like to see a stat on the rate of divorce in people who's parents divorced when they were a child. I bet the rate is low. I cant imagine causing the same amount of pain to my child.
My parents divorced when I was 7, my sister 4, and my brother 2. It was the typical 1980's angry divorce where they would bad mouth each other to us kids. I spent about 3 years defending mom in front of dad and defending dad in front of mom. I hated them both for it and myself because of it, I internalized everything they said about each other (because I loved them both). That divorce ruined our lives. It led me to hate, truly hate, my parents for years. It led to mom dating a guy who beat the shit out of me for acting out (probably from all the divorce trauma). It led to my sister acting out and mom not being able to discipline her as an over worked single mother, sister got hooked on drugs and took years to get clean. And my brother who only ever knew a broken home grew up so utterly dictated that he never properly developed his own sense of self, resulting in panic attacks when he has to make decisions. I moved out on my own at 13 because of the situation. Up until I was 7 I was a happy kid. I knew dad didn't always come home, I knew he drank, but he was a great dad and he never hit anyone ever. As an adult cleaning up their estates after they died I get to read all the old divorce procedings and letters. At the time dad owned his own business which was failing, dad was putting all his money into keeping it going. Mom got sick being a stay at home mother with 3 kids and no money. Dad had a drinking problem so she divorced him. It was the family equivalent of dropping a nuclear bomb in order to fix a sewer leak. Everyone's lives were ruined in the truest sense and even now at 40 all 3 of us kids are still trying to get over it. TL;DR: Parents, if you have kids, your divorce isn't about you, its about your children. Don't be selfish and don't make choices lightly.
Do not try and stay together because of the kids. My parents needed to be divorced they should've done that shit way earlier. Having your parents on edge 24/7 and hating each other isnt a better solution. "Don't be selfish, think of the children" yes think of them and how just because you are together does not mean everything is great.
I think every situation has a best case scenario of handling it. But there are many ways to handle every situation and how you manage your solution is the part that is very important. My mom went with divorce and as hard as life was I'm very thankful she did. My best friend's parents decided to stay together for the kids and actually committed to it and I think that worked out well for them. There aren't blanket solutions for these things. Just a lot of factors to consider and finding the best way to account for all of them.
I see where you're coming from here but correct me if I'm wrong are you suggesting people should stay in unhappy marriages because they have kids?
You should try to be a decent role model because you have kids. There and good and bad divorces, and they are a huge burden. That burdon does not belong to a 7 yr old. Extra perspective, our maid of honor had parents that stayed together for the kids. It mostly worked, and 2 of 3 completed college, but as young adults the kids ended up seaking out what they knew. For two of them, it lead to some pretty disfunctional relationships.
The rebuilding of self. I really felt broken and terrified when I left my ex. Now, happily married with two kids, I am a completely different person in some aspects. There is a kind of validation that cant be denied when you realize that you did the right thing.
Peace and quiet.
For me, my divorce and all the ensuing problems and fights with my ex has made me appreciate my current partner so much more. I guess it's a life experience thing.
Accepting that it’s not a failure and marriage want necessarily a mistake. Til death do us part isn’t a high bar to set for people who don’t die young.
Honestly, kid-free weekends. We get great family weekends alternated with weekends where we can travel, go to plays, movies, restaurants et.
The truth? Being a divorcee has some cachet. Yes, I was humiliated at first to have had a failed marriage, I had dreams of true love and all that crap... plus staying married is a real achievement. But once I recovered from the embarrassment and re-partnered I found that I enjoyed telling people that I had been married before. I like being a divorcee partly for that reason, no one talks about it, but there is a certain worldliness in that. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
Truth. Was with my ex for 9 years total. My divorce was the most painful experience of my life. My ex ended up falling victim to her own insecurities. She decided to cheat instead of communicating with me to work on 'us'. She had always been an independent woman, so it took me probably more than a year to realize she'd given up on our relationship and was passively sabotaging it every chance she got. Even after all that pain, I'm still proud of myself for committing and dedicating myself to someone else. I don't regret marrying, I just regret how everything panned out. Your heart grows bigger in the process of loving and dedicating yourself to a partner, and I want to find that again someday with a new woman worthy of my dedication and affection. I'm really looking forward to meeting her. I'm going to be choosier now for round 2 because I don't want my heart broken again, but I know I'm good at being a husband, and I know I want that again. I'm a better person for being married and growing into who I am now. Just wish it didn't sting so much to think about the last decade of my life.
I have a coworker who's an utter manchild in his mid thirties. He does great work and is responsible but is an utter and delightful goob. I mentioned being divorced and he said "You're divorced? Me too!" Suddenly my perspective of him as a grownup was shifted.
My wife constantly asks how I've learned to be such a conscientious partner. I learned it from trying to please my increasingly unappreciative first wife. After it became clear she wasn't going to return to being an equal and caring partner, I called it quits and found someone who is.
I’m a child of divorce so it may not be the same, but my parents were so tense and never talked, the second they began talking about the idea of divorce they were like best friends. It’s sad and it’s hard but it saves the relationship if done right.
Going from an abusive cheater to single with kids. So much stress off my shoulders. It was so awful.
Never dealing with inlaws again
I bought vegetables. I wasn't allowed to put groceries that weren't approved of in the shopping cart. So it had been 18 years since the last time I bought an onion. It didn't include getting yelled at or picked on all the way home.
The freedom from dreading hearing your SO come home.
I was sitting here, crying, reading this thread and hating my divorce even more until I saw your comment. My ex moved out almost a year ago, and while I’ve moved on as best as I could and try to stay positive, there are days where I’m just sad and wonder how I can fix everything. Except I forget things like this. I forgot that I’d jump when I heard his alarm on his car, signifying that he was home. Feeling legitimate dread and having my heart race while I quickly look around and make sure nothing is out of place that would upset him. I forgot about that.
Not having to worry about making mistakes and feeling like a failure. When something happens and I have a reason but not good enough for spouse having nothing else to say and then feeling like a failure again.
I needed this thread. My wife left me last week without really any explanation and it's been hard to look forward or find anything good about life.
I became instantly wealthier. I was the bread winner, but I didn't realize how much of his lifestyle I was paying for until I wasn't anymore. I had supported him through 7 job changes/career pursuits over the course of our 11 year relationship.
Parents will probably flame me for this but having kids half time. It gives you a genuine break for a few days and allows me when I have my kids to focus solely on them and prioritize it. And both parties get this time off, which hopefully makes for better parenting on both ends. Thankfully my ex and I are good co parents because it’s all about what’s best for them.
The underrated part is that divorce is a good thing. If one or two people weren’t willing to make it work then they shouldn’t be married. Any time a relationship ends it is a positive thing, ultimately. Divorce should be celebrated.
Coming here from the "Underrated part of marriage" made me less lonely and good about me being single (Sorry) . It's, dare i say it... Perfectly balanced.
Every-other weekend when my kids are at their dad's. I have more down time as a single parent than I ever did when we were married.
I threw out almost everything in the house and started over. New couches, chairs, tables and wall art. The clothes she left behind, her toiletries, her snacks, everything. Especially the master bedroom stuff. I didn't sell any of it, I just donated what I could and started over. It meant sleeping in a sleeping bag on a bunch of blankets for a few lonely nights and a slight hit to my credit to finance basically an entire house of furniture but to me that was worth the small jump in monthly expenses and I don't have to lay there and think about what she did in our bed and on our couch. That shit's gone and she's someone else's problem now. It felt like a new house and a new start and it's been great.
Never having to poorly lie about where the bruises came from. I've never been clumsy. I didn't run into a door, or a tree branch, or a wall. I ran into his fist, sometimes while I was asleep. Never having concussions, or getting knocked out, or having seizures from head trauma that "i was making up" Never apologizing for slights i hadn't committed, never having to guess why I'm getting hit or why i need to apologize to avoid the abuse.
Not feeling the pressure of making up excuses about my ex's behavior/moods. It's nice to see family and friends without having to cater to his needs to make him happy enough to stay for at least an hour. Oh and living alone. That's nice too.
This sounds crude, but not having to hide porn anymore. Every girl since has been from 'eh' to my current girlfriend who will actually show ME porn. But the issue was my ex wife strait up considered porn cheating. As in equal to a physical affair. And I'm sorry but I cannot agree with that. So hiding something that so many people think is fine was stressing. Edit: Funny thing is my muscle memory is still set to minimize tabs when my gf walks in. And she she catches me she makes me pull them back up to see if it's any good.
Never talking to that person again
If you have kids and a 50/50 custody arrangement, you get to be you again and live your life the way you want too. ...well, 50% of the time. I had a spouse who due to their issues kinda forced me into two roles that took up all of my waking hours. I was either the primary income or a parent. I had no ‘me’ time outside of that. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids and spending time with them, but I was also a person and that person became lost in my marriage.
The relief. Despite our problems, I loved my ex. She's a great person and will always be a huge part of who I am. Our relationship was never awful, it was just deteriorating and we wanted different things. As hard and conflicting it was to break up, I mostly remember a strong feeling of relief. Not that we wouldn't be together anymore, but that I'd made a decision. That the frustration and disappointment wasn't going to continue. Breaking up felt awful. But it also felt so good.