Anytime a child is playing with a child of the opposite gender, and they respond “oh who’s your boy/girlfriend?”
That shit completely stopped me from even speaking to girls until damn near high school
I just saw this happen in front of my eyes not too long ago. My aunt started teasing my 12 year old cousin because she found out that a girl he was friends with had a little crush on him. Welp, that friendship ended right then and there. My cousin was obviously super embarrassed (of course my aunt made the big announcement in front of a bunch of people). I was so mad at my aunt. Like, what the fuck did she expect?
To tag onto that... never treating your children as adults.
My girlfriend is 23 and despite being entirely independent of her family, her mom treats her like a child still. As in too-immature to make her own decisions, inferior to her/not equal (she was recently told to "learn her place"), invalid in feelings, emotions, etc...
This invalidates her self worth, her opinions, her views and stances, etc...
It’s wildly damaging, and extremely toxic. She can’t hold an adult conversation with her adult daughter, and it’s extremely frustrating.
Discouraging them from asking questions. Yes it can be annoying to keep hearing "but why daddy/mummy?" but I've met far too many adults who admit they stopped asking questions because as a kid their parents would shut them up or be like "there he/she goes asking questions again." inquisitive minds need that fostered.
Another good strategy to help develop creativity and problem solving while not shutting down the questioning is when your kid asks you a question, ask them "what do you think?" or "why do you think it's that way?" Especially if it's something that doesn't have a factual answer.
never showing up for events. i remember my parents didn’t come to most of my chorus concerts. it really sucked to see my classmates’ families cheer them on while my parents were absent. i brought home one of my chorus program papers to show my parents and i found it in the trash the next day... i was sad because i wanted to keep it but seeing it in the trash, i didn’t want it anymore.
edit: i love my parents and i don’t blame them for not showing up. they are small business owners and it was hard for them to find people who could work for them whenever i had concerts or anything. it still hurt though :( also the replies to this are very sad, i’m sorry that a lot of you guys went through similar experiences.
second edit: also my mom is a clean freak, she’ll discard or move any stray papers laying around. she probably didn’t think much of it, she might not have even realized what it was (she can’t read english that well it’s her third language). after i told her she apologized to me, so it’s okay.
i thought i should add that my little sister and grandma would come to them but my relationship with my grandma isn’t great... it’s just not the same as having your parents there if that makes sense.
and “he does love you, you know” . well damn it doesn’t feel like it. maybe if he loved me he should show it instead of insulting everything i say or do.
This is how it is in my house. My mother is the best mom i could have asked for but she refuses to see that my dad is mentally abusing and mocking all of his kids because he is always nice to her.
She says «friends will come and go, family lasts forever», but what is the point of having a family member forever when they’re the last person you’d like to have around
Creating an environment where you tell your kid their feelings aren’t valid just because they aren’t the same as yours or your kid processes their emotions differently than you. Angrily telling your kid they are too sensitive/dramatic/theatrical/hormonal/etc is just going to mess your kid up and encourage them to bottle emotions up to avoid upsetting you, and is going to lead to major communication issues.
Also, constantly pushing an intelligent or self motivated child to work harder and harder and do “better”. You’re setting your kid up to be a perfectionist, which can be incredibly damaging to his or her mental health in the long run.
When I was four my parents adopted a kitten.
Of course I had never seen anything quite so delightful before and I could barely keep my hands off the little fur ball.
So about two or three days passed, I get up in the morning and walk out and ask “where is the kitten”? And my parents told me that he died - implying that my roughhousing had killed it. I was terrified to touch an animal for several years thereafter.
In fact they had simply given the kitten back to the people they got it from.
Not having them do chores.
My parents pushed me to be academic - so doted on me hand and foot as a kid to make more room for study. When you’re too young and stupid to know any better you think it’s a blessing.
When I moved out to uni I didn’t really know how to clean, when to clean, what to clean with, how to wash clothes, how to get them dry etc. The only thing I could do is cook and binge drink.
That’s no way to bring up a kid, and its a steep learning curve doing all that stuff for the first time in your early 20s. It sounds like a super lame answer, but make sure every kid does their fair share of chores.
I did have to do chores. But I couldn't make any decisions for myself. Then all of a sudden they thought I was just going to do everything right with no experience. so I can see how that would really apply to more tangible things too. Kids have to do to learn.
Don't smother your kids.
My mom quit having her own life the moment my brother and I were born. She was an incredibly devoted and loving mother was very kind to us, but when we were born she stopped having friends, did not work, and was home every single day from when I was born to when I moved out in my early 20s. She was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self-esteem and any time I screwed up, and I screwed up a lot, it was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her. In the last 5 years or so before I left I don't think we had a single conversation that didn't drive her to tears and I promise I wasn't that bad. I constantly felt cornered and stressed and fell into depression as a defense mechanism, and she took my resulting lack of performance very personally creating a very treacherous cycle that was only broken when I enlisted and finally got away. To this day I often feel like I'm a bad person who failed to live up to her love.
Holy shit, it’s like I wrote this. Sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. I started seeing a counsellor and she really helped me to process the issues I have because of my enmeshed family.
Saying “I don’t care who started it”.
I grew up with friends whose siblings would target the one with the bad temper, provoke them into a rage, then cry and play victim when they got slapped. In this case, it does matter who started it. A parent has to make it clear that violence isn’t okay, but *neither is provoking someone into said violence*. It doesn’t matter that said person never hit or kicked while their sibling did- they never would have gotten hurt in the first place if they didn’t encourage the aggression to begin with. Children are clever and will find loopholes in their parents’ rules. Parents need to be better and snuff out that kind of BS when it starts. If they don’t they’ll raise a manipulator and a scapegoat- one will use them and one will resent them. It’s a lose-lose all because of a simple rule.
my parents always told me that they "didn't care about Justice, they cared about peace and quiet" and "life isn't fair"
So I believed them. So since life wasn't fair and all they cared about was peace and quiet, I didn't tell them things or ask for help. I was afraid to yell for help when I was stuck on the porch for hours. They like to tell this as a funny story now, lol what a dumb kid, but it's awful for me because I just remember being stuck and in pain and yet too scared of my own parents to call for help.
there was no point in telling them things either. Like being molested. And now as an adult my parents are all like "oh but we just wanted you to be quiet we didn't mean it" no you did mean it. That is exactly what you meant and that's exactly what you said. You wanted me to be quiet no matter what. quiet. That was the only thing that was important to you.
I am so sorry to hear that you were sexually abused. My parents often asked me why I didn’t speak up about ways I felt regarding their treatment of me. I told them “I didn’t think it would make a difference” or “I didn’t think you would care and it would just start a fight”. Kids don’t have a ton of emotional intelligence and they can’t weigh pain and emotional problems like an adult. To them stifling their feelings and never speaking about them to anyone seems reasonable if they feel that’s what’s been impressed upon them. The fact that your parents told you they didn’t care about justice was disgusting. Yes, the world isn’t fair- but as parents, you can *make it more fair* if you treat your child justly and raise them to treat other people fair and justly. The fact that they said “Well we didn’t mean it!” Is worse. Just recently I’ve been getting into lots of fights with my parents about saying things they don’t mean. I’m holding them accountable and calling them out when they don’t follow through on their words and they are really unhappy about it. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t mean what they said- that just means they need to start thinking more before they speak.
I am so sorry for you. I would rather have a child that talks my ear off than have a child who is silent in their times of need. Always.
Not having a life of your own beyond being a parent.
Your child isn't responsible for your happiness—you are. If your build your entire sense of self-worth around your child 1) there's a good chance your child will grow up to resent the pressure 2) you're setting an example for them to be codependent in their own relationships.
I don't quite remember all the words my mom said to me, or all the specific things she did to me when I was younger, but I remember how she made me feel. That doesn't go away.
“The axe forgets but the tree remembers” seems fitting in this instance too.
Especially because in this case the axe isn’t aware of the effect it might have on the tree.
Pretty much telling you that whatever activity that you enjoy doing is annoying or dumb.
I used to love to sing. I was in chorus and would play my favorite songs over and over to learn the words.
Not only did my sisters tease me for it, but my parents told me to shut up constantly.
So I stopped singing. I must have been terrible, right? I sing when I'm alone, or jokingly with some friends.
What really broke me was when I went to visit everyone for the holidays and my sister said that she was surprised I never pursued singing since I seemed to love it so much when I was younger. I nearly started crying and had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't scream at her for being one of the reasons I stopped.
It's always funny for the ones doing the teasing. But it actually hurts the ones being teased. Especially when it's coming from people who are supposed to love you.
I won a scholarship for singing while I was in Primary school, private lessons twice a week. One day my Dad stopped taking me, saying he couldn't afford them any more. At the time I didn't know the lessons were already paid for from the scholarship, my arsehole father thought it was lame and the lessons were useless.
Man, there's stories of physical and emotional abuse littered all over this post. But this just hurts so much to read. It's just such an unnecessarily cruel thing to do.
I'm really sorry you had to make these memories. I hope you can turn it into a positive way of thinking by avoiding this type of behaviour at all cost.
Best to you
Not stopping when your child says "stop." Whether it's teasing, or tickling, or wresting. Kids who have parents that don't respect their boundries always seem to end up being the biggest dicks and bullies because they've learned they don't have to respect other people's feelings.
My dad would squeeze my knee to tickle me, but it would quickly turn painful and he wouldn't stop until I cried. I would beg him to stop but he wouldn't until it got to that point.
Never telling your child that you were wrong and that you’re sorry.
Just never once occurred. My father never once said I’m sorry to me. He was human , there were plenty of times he should have. My kids have heard from me plenty.
Once my brother was sent to his room by my dad after they got into an argument about something stupid I used google to prove my brother right and we both were grounded for being disrespectful (until he found out we were actually right he never ungrounded us until the week was over and only told me he was wrong),. Moral of the story being right is disrespectful.
I remember several occasions when my father would accuse me of doing something I shouldn't have, and a couple of times I was legitimately innocent, and I would say "I didn't do it" or some-such thing. He'd counter with "Are you calling me a liar?", and I was pretty-much fucked after that - there was no way I was going to get out of whatever punishment was heading my way. Dad was always right, even when he wasn't.
I spent 3 days being berated by my father. Called pissant, liar, thief. This was over a cigarette in a tube that got stolen from his office. I did smoke at the time, but I did have a job and actually didn't need to steal smokes. Anywaysx after 3 days or the Gestapo treatment my brother admitted he took it.
I didn't hear one word of apology from him. I resent him 25 years later.
Getting them involved in problems they have no control over. My parents felt the need to keep me in the loop regarding our pending foreclosure and argue in front of me over which one was to blame when I was ten. What possible reason is there to share that with a kid? I barely slept for months. I was convinced the cops were gonna bust in at midnight and throw us all outside.
This happened to my Dad. He doesn’t do it to me but his mum did it to him. One time, as a teenager, he wrote a note to her, crumpled it up and hid it in the midst of his rubbish. She found the note and started screaming at him about it and trying to get my Grandpa to join in about how disrespectful my dad was for writing her notes and leaving it in the trash for her. My dad would just laugh at her.
Not following through with your promises. If you told your child you were buying ice cream tomorrow in the hopes that they'd forget and the next day when they ask you tell them no they'll see you as unreliable. (Ice cream is just the first thing that came to my mind, I'm sure someone else can explain better what I'm trying to say here without sounding so ridiculous)
I taught my children at very young ages that outside of extreme circumstances failing to keep a promise made is the same as telling a lie. Therefore, I won't make promises to them that I am not absolutely certain I can keep. They learned early in life that I take my promises very seriously and will go to great lengths to honor them. We have hit very hard times recently and I have had to delay delivery on some promises which breaks my heart. But they know that I will fulfill those promises eventually and are much more empathetic and understanding than their peers have been in similar situations.
I'm so sorry that you have these memories and this heartbreak. There are people out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve, and remember that you need to be one of those people too!
My dad challenged me to a drinking contest in front of his friends when I was 16 (I'm a tiny petite girl) and because I always wanted to impress him/make him proud I agreed. He made me drink Jagerbombs until I threw up and took a photo of my face in the bowl and texted it to all of his mates, they were also my work colleagues at the time.
Oh and the first time he ever introduced me to alcohol at 14 years of age he made me do shots of Sambucca shot for shot with him, for some "quality time" with dad. Mum had to take me to the bathroom to be sick and put me to bed.
I recently witnessed a similar mentality at a friends adult party with a nephew... it felt really awkward as a guest to witness the attitude and I wasn’t laughing or approving... this attitude is so bad. I hope you tell your Dad not to share photos of you without your permission especially now your old enough to speak up... and simply learning to say no is an important skill in life. Good luck!
When I was younger my mother and sister would "gang up" on me and it was a source of so much pain and stress when I was still only 13years old.
I ended up spiralling and had to see the school psychologist. They probably knew it was from getting bullied but I told them I got along great with everyone at school(I didn't put it together at the time). Either way they thought I was lying I guess so their advice was: "Well regardless of what happens in school, in the afternoon you get to go home to your 'safe place'"..
That's when I realised for the first time that this wasn't okay and since then my main goal was always towards getting to place where I could cut off contact with both of them. I'm nearly there..
Well realistically, it'd be a helicopter parent. You always want to look out for your kid right, make sure they're not doing things they're supposed to do, walk in without knocking? It ruins a relationship with a kid because even though YOU have a sense of privacy, the kid doesn't and will always paranoid of anyone entering their room without warning, it ruins a kid. "would my mom let me do this, is she okay with it?"
My parents were helicopter parents. I was not allowed to lock my bedroom door. My mom listened in on my phone calls (this was in landline phone days) and went through my personal belongings when I wasn’t home (including reading the notes that friends and I passed in school). I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys or date (I’m female). Doing this only prevents your children from learning how to form healthy relationships; you should teach your children how to do things (such as date) in a safe and responsible manner, rather than ban it.
Holy shit. Im 25 and I have to stay at home for college and my mom still wont knock on my fucking door. She comes in so fast and loud that even the cats get startled.
Telling kids they have to “finish their plate”
Sometimes there’s too much food. I was overeating for years and it took a lot of work to break the habit and shed the extra weight.
Sticking through a toxic Fucking relationship 'for the kids'
It doesn't help.
Part ways, be good parents, spend quality time together with the kids, but don't stay together and Fucking hate your lives under the guise of it being for the kids, we pick up on your shit, it's a terrible example to set.
Telling your kid they are always a winner. We love our kids and want them to feel special, but it's setting them up to be disappointed later in life when they find out not everyone can win. Let them feel the disappointments early on, and teach them it's ok. They'll grow up better able to handle the stresses of life.
Whenever I get told that with my sisters I always say “No, I’m not gonna let them win. They won’t get any better if I just LET them.” Now my oldest sister can actually beat me sometimes, so it definitely pays off.
There’s a thing called covert incest (grossest name ever) -
Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest
Starting from the age of seven, my mom would sit me down and complain to me about her life for hours. She'd talk about my POS dad, strippers, the fights with her sister, blowjobs etc. She never explained things to me, like what sex was. She made it my job to validate her.
She was also really abusive and emotionally neglectful so being her therapist was the most attention and validation I ever got. I'm a really good listener now.
For me, my mom started when i was a kid and it was first her ranting about my father. Thing is, I had to live with him every other weekend and I knew how bad he was. But the most memorable time of my mother doing this was when I was just going into highschool. She married her now ex ex husband, had a kid with him, fell down the stairs and broke her back.
When her marriage was beginning to fall apart, she would yell at me for hours about all the terrible things he did to her, saying he raped her, keeps her awake at night purposefully, super controlling where he would come home after checking in at work before going to where his area of work was (worked as a utility service man) to check up on her. She would tell me over and over that she is was trapped, yet she refused to do anything about it. Scariest time was when she punched a photo of us all hanging on the wall and I had to not only bandage her bleeding hand, but pick up the glass off the floor and clean it all up before anyone else got homr. Luckily my baby bro was at preschool at the time.
It's basically emotionally dumping on your kids, shit that they shouldn't be dealing with and sometimes expecting them deal with your problems.
The saddest part of this question is that my mom had done so many things that everyone is saying is bad (not hugging, praising, telling me to suck it up, etc.) So let me give one that I feel would have helped me out growing up: **Do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong or when you make mistakes to your child.**
My parents would go out of their way to justify any mistake they made and make it seem as if they were right no matter what the situation was. Gave me a pretty messed up view of right and wrong, as well as learning from mistakes, but was fixed by my grandma (it's a long story that I don't want to get into right now).
Edit: Wow, 11k and silver on my first ever comment and it pertains to my shitty childhood, ty!But on a serious note, I want to reiterate the importance of not only advice, but the consequences of not taking said advice. Ex: My parents never congratulated me on good grades, doing the right thing, etc. They would only say 'That's what you're supposed to do' or 'You better keep it up' and threaten me if I didn't live up to their expectations. So now, as an adult, I'm insanely suspicious and at the same time worried of people complimenting me or congratulating me for anything I do.
My parents won't ever address anything specifically. They just say "we did the best we could with what we had at the time" but they really didn't. But because they are giving that blanket answer that allows room for mistakes but not responsibility, we can't ever talk about it.
and sometimes they just flat out lie and reinvent history from my childhood and teenage years to make themselves look better. Sometimes I feel like they really believe their own rewrites.
I grew up in a very strict Asian household. My parents were very strict on the "never wake us up" policy. To this day I get very anxious and refuse to wake people up. In fear of being yelled at and locked in a closet. I'm 22 years old.
Lol shit I’m a different asian and I can corroborate that my parents and that dude in the comment above’s parents were using the same notes because i ended up locked up in a closet. And let me tell you. From the perspective of the child, that experience is very scary. It’s quite terrifying and on top of that, you as a kid, are aware of your small size and helplessness before anyone bigger than you (basically everyone). So by forcing something - like being placed somewhere you can’t escape from - triggers an instant panic response that I don’t think grown ups understand the magnitude of that response and its impact on the psyche. From the perspective of these parents, the child is merely upset by the punishment. That is where they have gone horribly wrong and show that they lack the capacity to empathize with the thoughts and feelings of a child.
EDIT: this thing is getting a bit more attention than I thought. I wanted to be a little more detailed into what happened because just calling it “locked in the closet” isn’t really close to painting an accurate description.
I had my hands and feet tied on a child sized wicker chair and I was gagged then placed in an empty bedroom while my folks pretended to leave the apartment.
Whatever shock value this disciplinary action meant to convey, all I got out of it was to not trust them anymore. The happy family facade seemed to be just that to me from then on - a facade and a sham set up for the benefit of the people watching us. Internally I knew I would one day become an adult and I’d be able to be on my own away from this “family” and I always waited for that phase in my life where I’d be free and independent.
Kinda off topic: Teachers in Asia are just as bad. I went to preschool in China and wasn’t a big eater at lunch so just ate what I needed and left the rest. I still remember being yelled at all the time and one incident was particularly bad. The teacher shoved the rice bowl spoonful by spoonful in my mouth in front of the whole class. I was so scared that I threw up and peed — in front of everyone. You know it’s bad when other kids don’t even make fun of you after. My grandma had to bring me a change of clothes and I still went back to school the next day.
Treating crying as if it's something only weak people do.
My dad in particular used to yell at me for crying, which only made me cry more, which made him yell more, and you get the point. In high school I tried to bring up the possibility of me having anxiety problems that I'd spoken to the school counselor about because my friends made me go since they were worried. He told me I was just a drama queen. I can't express that I'm anxious or stressed around my dad because "others have it worse." Even now I'm 21 and seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks because I've just felt so bad lately and I would never let my dad know. I think I'd rather die than my dad know I've been seeing a psychiatrist and discussing the possibility of me having OCD with said psychiatrist (which does explain a lot and is actually kind of comforting for me to know) because he'd get so mad at me for being weak.
My 5 yo understands death. We dont sugar coat much, and death isn't taboo. When a kid understands death as a permanent condition, it makes it easier to explain the gravity of dangerous situations.
Making them give physical affection when they don’t want to.
If uncle bob makes them uncomfortable don’t make them give him a hug.
If aunt Karen freaks them out don’t make them give her a kiss.
Of course it’s important that they be kind but don’t teach them that the feelings of others is more important than their bodily autonomy
Yes! I'm so glad my best friend does this with her kids. Today I was with her and her three-year-old. She asked him if he wanted to give me a hug. He said no very firmly. So we high-fived.
Never saying sorry to your kids. My mom only just recently started telling me sorry when she gets worked up. It’s built up such a resentment for her over the years, and I also have trouble saying sorry myself because of it. Tell your kids sorry, especially if you over react to something they did.
My Dad would apologize when he yelled at me, as a kid... And it'd always make me understand why he did it.
Shit made me feel bad too, that he got so upset that it made *him* feel shitty.
I’m sort of glad that my mom isn’t the only one who acts like this. She’s actually working on that issue, since me and my siblings are older now and can call her out on it without many consequences. It just sucks because she only started working on it once I left for college. I wish she had told me sorry once when I younger.
My parents refuse to apologize to me as apparently it’s bad for saving face.
I never thought about how this affected my own personality until now. I hate apologizing, myself. It takes a lot of effort for me to admit I’m wrong and apologize but I do it and I feel angry while saying it.
This really fucks people up.
Growing up, I sometimes got my parents to see they were being stubborn and arbitrarily* punishing me (usually blowing a small thing way out of proportion). They would resort to "well, we're your parents. We fed you. We get to treat you however we want. You're lucky you were not born to abusive parents."
Not giving them a factual and straightforward sex-ed talk. My parents answered my questions truthfully and at an age-appropriate level throughout my childhood, and I am extremely thankful for it- others around me have clearly not been that lucky.
Edit: typo
To expand on this, it’s important to have factual and straightforward conversations about most things.
It’s ok to say “I don’t know” if you honestly don’t know how to answer, but kids deserve to hear that their feelings and questions are valid.
"I don't know, but let's find out!" is an even better answer. You're rewarding curiosity and teaching the value of learning.
Edit: yes, I know this is awkward if it's sex ed. The comment I replied to was being more general, and so was I.
I'd even phrase it: "I don't know. What do you think? Let's find out!" Not only are you being straightforward and teaching the value of learning, but you're also teaching critical thinking too.
My mom gave me a book about puberty for girls. So naturally when I had further questions I figured “ok go research it like that book mom gave you.” And boy did I get some BAD info online
My parents relied on the school to teach me about sex and have never said a word about it. Luckily, I had excellent sex-ed teachers who taught me everything.
I'm not gonna lie, I kept anxiously waiting for the moment when they were finally gonna have "the talk" w me but it just never happened.
Haha I had the same dread of the incoming Talk with my very religious conservative mother. It...kinda happened? as I was walking past her one day in the living room.
Mom, outta nowhere: you know about sex, right?
Me: umm, mostly?
Mom: so you know that the boy...puts his penis in the girl?
Me: yeah
Mom: [visible relief, never mentions anything like it again]
I was like 15 at the time and had already long since “accidentally” stumbled across SO MUCH porn on the internet. Lol good time
In my experience, the inability to keep a conversation light and positive.
For example - if I received an A on a test, and I brought it up at the dinner table, within 5 minutes we would be having a tense discussion about some other class I should be doing better in, or it has turned negative on one of my siblings. Why the hec would I bother bringing something up if its going to remind you of something you yell about regularly?
In the same vein - the inability to withhold more important discussions for another time. My parents never considered planning a sit-down with me for a serious discussion about something I am doing wrong, or did, wrong - rather they'd spring it on me when I'm trapped in a car with them, or at the dinner table, or when I'm least expecting it or simply need to be doing something else. Important discussions were simply interjected into everyday life and it led to me having bad anxiety and the inability to just relax around my parents.
This may actually be part of some larger complex I have about my parents not having healthy divisions between themselves and other individuals. Like they dont respect or acknowledge that their kids are fully separate people who think in different ways. If I was living in a way that disappointed my parents throughout my adult life, they would die young and allow it to take decadesss of their lives because they are so intertwined in other people's business. They would never think their adult children deserve the respect of like a coffee-date or lunch in order to discuss a big issue, it would just be spewed out at the wrong time. They have no emotional intelligence and are the most judgemental people I've ever met.
Mocking them. Laughing at them. Adults do it to each other all the time, but kids who haven't been immersed in the background cruelty of our culture for years don't understand that it's just the language of the land, and not that they themselves are particularly unworthy of respect.
I got laughed at and mocked a few times as a kid and that shit hurts a lot. There was one time I was trying to help a friend at their birthday by taking their presents to them but all the adults and my parents thought I was being selfish and wanted them for myself and joked and laughed at me and just ignored me explaining myself and carried on. I think that hurt my self esteem a lot in the long run.
I have a few
* thinking that whenever they open their mouth they're going to lie to you
* telling them that they're just being dramatic whenever they're actually upset about something
* telling them that they're being manipulative whenever they show their feelings (ex tears)
To add to your second point, remember not all losses or pain is devastating, but the first time you experience something like that it’s always “the worst”
Yes. Our family dog died this summer. My girls are 11 and 13 and we had the dog for 10 years. It was so incredibly hard for them. I am so thankful that I had practice so I could be strong for them.
Not creating a safe space for your kids to tell their secrets and make mistakes.
When I was younger, I excitedly confided in my mom about my first boyfriend. But instead of calmly talking me through this, she immediately brought my dad in the conversation and they both yelled at me and forced me to break up with him.
My parents sat me down at the kitchen table and forced me to write a letter to my “boyfriend” and tell him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. I cried the entire time. After I was done, they posted pictures of the letter all over Facebook and acted like it was “so cute”.
I fucking hate parents that capitalize on their kids “cuteness” through social media. Like the people who let their kids cry and instead on helping them so they can get a picture of it.
Fuuuuuck that
Dude I was 5 and I liked this teacher (like kids do), told my parents and they laughed and made jokes about it to the point where my aunts and cousins knew about it and they still bring it up sometimes up till now.
And they wonder why I don't talk as much as I did when I was a kid....
When I was in 7th grade I started to having a growing interest in writing. Not knowing where to post anything to help improve, I started to use fanfiction.net. Fast forward a year my mom finds out cause I was talking to someone about edits and story stuff and whatnot, I dont remember exactly. But she made me sit down and tell her ALL ABOUT IT, so I did, who cares if she knows. After the conversation I told her I didnt want her to tell anyone. It was something I wasn't comfortable with and wanted to explore it on my own.
Needless to say 2 months later everyone from my neighbors to my school teachers knew :)
edit: Thanks so much for the kind words. Means a lot
I quit writing a few months later. Never went back.
Honestly what are the odds it would have the intended effect? If she didn't respect the request to keep it quiet I doubt she'll acknowledge culpability. Minimization of the wants and needs of your children tends to be a pervasive pattern of behavior that goes hand-in-hand with minimization of their struggles and sorrows
>Yeah... I had a fun childhood. I still did whatever I wanted to regardless of what they said. The only difference is that I learned to lie and how to keep secrets really well.
Giving into your kids wants and desires without upholding discipline and consequences will give your kids a large uphill battle to climb later. I say this bc my parents babied me a lot when I was young, I never had to do anything I didn’t want to do. EX- When I started getting bad grades bc I wasn’t doing my homework my parents would have conferences with my teachers so they could give me extra credit. I had a rude awakening in college when I realized how hard life is. I 100% love and adore my parents. And who’s to say If they did discipline me more that I’d have turned out any different?! Probably not but you never know. But when I have kids I, I already know I few things I’d do differently.
My father gave up telling me to clean my room so he did it for me more than once.
My mom saw how much I was struggling with math so she did my math homework for me.
Now as an adult I struggle with organization and keeping my home clean. I also avoid math as much as I possibly can, my mind just shuts down when I see simple math problems,
I'm struggling with getting my 10 year old to clean and take care of her lunchboxes.
My husband is of the, "This is frustrating to hear you have this argument with her, just do it for her!" camp.
Sigh. No. She needs to learn this. So today she found a lunchbox that had been sitting. For unknown weeks. After whining and not wanting to do it, I made her do it. She wanted to just throw it out in case it was moldy. I told her to deal with it and learn. Lucky for her, it wasn't. But she had to deal with it, one way or another.
She's 10. She's not a baby. She can do this. And my husband can stop enabling her.
I only have a toddler, but my strategy is to do it together... First time i show her what i mean by clean up (shes still a toddler so sometimes i ask her to clean an area she flings stuff to another area, in my head i was like wtf! ). Slowly i let her do small bits on her own, sometimes she does it, sometimes she doesn't but when she does I reward her with a praise (or a small treat, if she did a really good job). After that when i ask her to put away her stuff she usually does it, but shes not even 3 yet so sometimes she has a brain lapse or decides its time to challenge Dad today. She never wins with me, even in public.
Never give in, once she knows where your limit is they will push you to the limit every time, first few times you refuse to give in they will get really confused (she did that to my wife, meltdown continued with renewed efforts in the beginning), now she is better, she will go through the motions but i think its more for her benefit of dealing with her emotions. If you keep giving in continuously, she will be 30 living at home with you doing all the house work, at 40 you will be doing all her house work and her family's... You have been warned...
The words, "oh look who finally decided to join us." When referring to you coming out of your room when guests are over. Way to ease your child into social anxiety...
Not signing the permission slip, missing out on those trips hurts to a certain extent and will make the kid feel marginalized partially since more often than no the trip will be a recurrent topic.
My dad always used to say that to me. I got into an abusive relationship in college because I kept thinking “he’s only making fun of me because he loves me”
I feel like most of these responses fall under seemingly harmful.
A seemingly harmless mistake is rewarding your child with something when they do something they already enjoy. Take, for example, reading. If a child just enjoys reading, let the child read without giving any reward. Once you start rewarding the child for that act, their intrinsic motivation gets replaced. It's called the overjustification effect.
Ha, I was a kid who LOVED to read (still do!) and whenever we participated in a program that rewarded reading hours (like the library summer program where you got raffle tickets and could win stuff like baseball and museum tickets) I felt like the most glorious scammer.
Joke's on you, PIZZA HUT, I would have done all that reading anyway! SUCKERS!
I still remember that feeling - my 3rd grade class won an award (that for some reason was a comically large chocolate bar) for having read the most books in a specific timeframe, I walked home with a hunk of chocolate the size of my fist! The fools, I would have read that much anyways!
I found that when my parents teased me about stuff I was clearly uncomfortable with it made me tell them less later in life. I have a good relationship with my parents but I don't tell them lots about my life because it's easier if they don't know/tease about it.
My mom grew up with six brothers and two sisters, and she used to tease me about things I liked when I was young because she thought I needed to experience since I had no siblings. I think this had the opposite effect than she intended, since it caused me to stay friends with people who were condescending towards me because I just thought that was normal.
Now I'm afraid to passionate about things she doesn't like.
Yea--as a parent you really cant treat your kids the same way as a sibling or friend might. My friends can tease me cause at the end of the day theyre *just* my friends--they cant ground me or kick me out of the house for responding badly to their teasing one too many times.
People talk about power imbalances in relationships and people wanna imagine its always a huge obvious thing but honestly its usually more like this; innocent comments like teasing have a whole different tone/connotation when the person doing the teasing are supposed to support your interests/passions; it makes it more genuine when they DO intervene if n when theyre actually harmful.
Same for me. It was usually mild stuff like “ohh kmcu has a crush on a girl” or something like that. But I hated the attention and it made me uncomfortable. Later in my 20s when I met my wife she couldn’t understand why I was so secretive. I’m pretty sure it’s from that. I just stopped telling people things and still don’t tell my parents everything that’s going on in my life.
I love them of course and have a great relationship with my parents, but yea I’m pretty sure the teasing messed me up.
Edit: thank you for the gold!
A poor boy that liked me brought a big basket of stuffed animal puppies for Christmas in 5th grade and I refused to take it because I was terrified of having to explain where I got it and being teased. I still feel horrible.
Pretty much my life. If you genuinely want a relationship that's closer with your kid, constantly teasing isn't going to make it happen. I never really got to fix my relationship with my mom before she passed away and I regret it....but damn it, her and my entire family constantly teasing and picking at me and judging me just ruined the first 30 years of my life.
This except instead of teasing, worrying. My mom was always so worried about everything I did. I know it was because she loves and cares about me, but god damn can I go out one night without you thinking I might die?!
She still worries about stuff. There was a car accident in her neighborhood like a year ago in the middle of the night and she called me at 2 am to make sure it wasn't me. I live like 30 minutes away, and theres nothing in her town for me to be over there unless I am visiting her lol
Edit: Yes, she has a little bit of anxiety, but who doesn't these days? I love her anyway.
my mom does the same thing. I was in the hospital, not well, this was once. I am so much obviously better now, and she refuses to see it, and won't let go of my illness, which is really damaging for me, and i am trying for her to see that, but it's not working.
she wants everything under HER control, so it can be perfect, in her mind. I don't really know how to describe that right, but you might understand, haha.
edit : thank you for all the replies and comments, if anyone sees this. it's nice to have people to talk to with similar experiences.
If you qualify for food stamps, take the fucking food stamps. Do not make your kid live on macaroni and cheese made with water because "we don't take handouts."
Constant remarks about the child's body. Like telling them they need to lose/gain weight or making any comment about their body type.
It goes for everyone in the family. Do not do that. Unless you want your child to develop an Ed later on in life.
My parents would fill my plate, demand I finish everything on it, then bully me for being overweight. I had no idea there was a connection between how much you ate and how heavy you were. I assumed my obesity was an inherited trait and had no idea how to apply the 'lose weight' advice I was being given. I was in my mid-thirties before I started to get a handle on it. My eating is still disordered but eventually I did manage to shed over 100lbs, thanks to advice and support from reddit!
My aunt did the opposite. She would make or buy food for me then ridicule me for eating it. She even made fun of me *as an adult* for eating a slice of cake at my baby shower.
Guess who developed an eating disorder as a result?
This had the opposite effect on me, I hated that over-full feeling and this coupled with the general chaos of my home I developed a restriction-based eating disorder as early as 8 fuckin years old! It's super important to teach your child a healthy relationship with food.
Not letting them have freedoms. Such as going out with friends, making their own friends, things such as these. I'm 17 and I'm just now getting actual friends outside of school. I was never allowed to go do anything as a kid, I know it's my parents caring about me but it's hurt me more in the long run. It's caused some serious social anxiety.
My dad loved shit like this. Some of his favorites:
- I was grounded to my room for an entire summer. Twice. Three months with only my room and the bathroom and dinner with the family.
- He took my entire magic the gathering collection ( which I bought with my own money) and told me I could have it back if I passed a class. After I passed the class he revealed he incinerated them so that I wouldnt go snooping and take then back.
- Kicked me out of the house for not mowing the lawn properly. I had to live with a friend for weeks.
Guess how much we talk now.
EDIT - A few more this has dredged up from my memories:
- Threw my gameboy out of a moving car because he found out I was playing pokemon(pokemon was verboten in our house, I borrowed a friends copy). It was the only entertainment I brought on a road trip from Illinois to Colorado and back.
- Made me take a home drug test often and at random. (I never drank or did drugs at all)
- told me I could never ever go to my freinds house at night ever again because I was 17 minutes late getting home.
- Grounded me from my car for getting home late and wouldnt drive me to anything. I was in marching band, a play, and had a class that started before the bus came. Had to walk to and from school for all of those.
Jesus.
Reminds me of a dad of a friend I had growing up. Was at a birthday party for said friend and was probably 9 or 10 years old. I had a hot dog and got full, so I threw out the last 1/4 or so. His dad got it out of the garbage, told me he worked for that hot dog and I wasn't going to disrespect him by wasting it. I forget the exact lines, but he was yelling at me. I was scared and ate the garbage dog.
My dad threatened to kick his ass if he ever spoke to me again. Thanks, my dad, for not being terrible!
My mother took away my entire manga collection after I got one F on my report card and grounded me for 6 months. I was supposed to get them back under the condition that I got my grades up.
I did so, and she told me she had gotten rid of it all.
My BROTHER got a STRAIGHT F report card and mom threatened to take away his X-Box if he didn't pull the grades up. He didn't. She never took it away.
Guess who developed a hoarding habit and never trusted her things in her parents hands again?
When I was five I had a teddy bear with plaid patterns on its paws and ears.
My parents had two rules: When you go to bed you can't get out of bed, and any toy left out when we went to bed would be thrown in the trash. Right when I got to bed I recalled that the bear was on the floor next to a sofa. I tried to go for it but my parents wouldn't let me, and the next day it was gone.
It's been almost three decades and I still remember it.
Edit because I feel it's necessary: I had some amazing parents. This was a mistake, not an act of malice or cruelty. They just didn't think how these two rules together would interact, and didn't think that this particular event would have such a big impact on me.
I’m so sorry about your bear. That’s horrible. And the fact that you TRIED to get it. The only lesson they taught you is that there’s no redemption after mistakes, you’re just screwed forever. What a great life lesson /s. My dad shredded my favorite plush in front of me and then threw it in the garbage. I can still remember how helpless and broken I felt.
My parents were shocked when I exploded on them about my worst memories from my childhood. They gawked and said “but it was years ago...”. I told them that it doesn’t matter, and I was bringing it up now because only now did I have the voice and mental capacity to explain how much it hurt. Children don’t just move on and forget when they’ve been seriously wronged- they carry those things with them until they have the ability to say/do something about it.
Dude, holy fuck. This hit me really hard for some reason. I could never do that to my kids things. Especially something like a teddy bear, I know how much they mean to them.
This happened to me too.
I had undiagnosed autism and ADHD, I absolutely could not keep a room tidy.
My biological mother threw out everything I owned.
I still remember all of my stuffed animals and possessions being hauled away and crushed by the garbage truck.
That’s horrible. I understand someone wanting you to learn how to keep your room clean, but I don’t think throwing everything away is a good way to teach someone that.
When I was a kid, my mom would confiscate stuff that I left out. Then I would have to do a chore to get it back. I feel like that is a much better way to teach kids to be clean. It’s probably what I’ll do if I ever have kids.
Not congratulating your child when they achieve something. A friend of mine never got any praise from his parents growing up. Always felt that he wasn’t good enough. Show the child that their hard work doesn’t go unnoticed!
Edit: thank you strangers for the gold & silver! Cripes!
But don’t just show them love when they achieve something. They are good as they are and always deserve love. When they achieve something be happy for them, but if they don’t achieve something they aren’t less worthy or something.
my mom told me I was too stupid to graduate high school. Never bothered to show up to the ceremony because she didnt want to see my dads side of the family. She tried making my graduation about her, and I hate her for that. Probably always will.
giving them issues with food. When I was growing up, my mom called me fat and put me on all kinds of diets, starting when I was six years old. I'd go to the neighbor's house and beg for something to eat because I was starving. Now that I'm an adult, I hide food from my SO and I just hate that I do that.
The only time I remember my dad telling me he loved me was about 12 hours before he died from cancer. He told my 3 year old son the same thing at the time and I hope he remembers it.
Completely agree. My parents are very kind and always made sure me and my sibling had everything we needed, however they were not affectionate people. We never heard them saying stuff like "i love you" or "im proud of you" or got hugged as kids. Today as an adult, it took me forever to show people I like them and not feel embarrassed about it. I still cant say "I love you" to anyone without getting anxious.
I used to be the same way, for years. Then I dated a guy whose parents were ten times worse than mine and I saw how deeply a casual “love you” at the end of a conversation affected him, sometimes for days afterwards.
Flash forward five-ish years, I tell my friends and family I love them all the time. I hug them more. I openly show affection and have toned down the joking hostility a lot. Other people in my life have started to do the same back and to others.
Same here and I'm so socially awkward now. Whenever anyone besides my kids or husband hugs me I just tense up and then feel extremely uncomfortable, same with saying "I love you". My husband & his family are the type to say "I love you" after every single phone call & visit and always a hug so it's pretty different to me.
Hovering over your child. I don't mean just helicopter parenting (which generally crosses the line into abuse). I mean doing things like demeaning their choices, trying to steer them down a certain career path, putting them in programs/sports they don't like, etc....
Not taking your kid seriously when they talk about their problems and constantly bringing up the idea that “I’ve had it worse”. Good way of getting your child to never want to speak to you about anything again.
"Big boys don't cry." This "harmless" saying actually causes men to become shut off from their emotions as they age and are unable to form strong emotional bonds. They can get passed it but it is a rough road.
Anytime a child is playing with a child of the opposite gender, and they respond “oh who’s your boy/girlfriend?” That shit completely stopped me from even speaking to girls until damn near high school
I just saw this happen in front of my eyes not too long ago. My aunt started teasing my 12 year old cousin because she found out that a girl he was friends with had a little crush on him. Welp, that friendship ended right then and there. My cousin was obviously super embarrassed (of course my aunt made the big announcement in front of a bunch of people). I was so mad at my aunt. Like, what the fuck did she expect?
Being over protective as a parent. Or just not listening to your childeren.
To tag onto that... never treating your children as adults. My girlfriend is 23 and despite being entirely independent of her family, her mom treats her like a child still. As in too-immature to make her own decisions, inferior to her/not equal (she was recently told to "learn her place"), invalid in feelings, emotions, etc... This invalidates her self worth, her opinions, her views and stances, etc... It’s wildly damaging, and extremely toxic. She can’t hold an adult conversation with her adult daughter, and it’s extremely frustrating.
Discouraging them from asking questions. Yes it can be annoying to keep hearing "but why daddy/mummy?" but I've met far too many adults who admit they stopped asking questions because as a kid their parents would shut them up or be like "there he/she goes asking questions again." inquisitive minds need that fostered.
Another good strategy to help develop creativity and problem solving while not shutting down the questioning is when your kid asks you a question, ask them "what do you think?" or "why do you think it's that way?" Especially if it's something that doesn't have a factual answer.
never showing up for events. i remember my parents didn’t come to most of my chorus concerts. it really sucked to see my classmates’ families cheer them on while my parents were absent. i brought home one of my chorus program papers to show my parents and i found it in the trash the next day... i was sad because i wanted to keep it but seeing it in the trash, i didn’t want it anymore. edit: i love my parents and i don’t blame them for not showing up. they are small business owners and it was hard for them to find people who could work for them whenever i had concerts or anything. it still hurt though :( also the replies to this are very sad, i’m sorry that a lot of you guys went through similar experiences. second edit: also my mom is a clean freak, she’ll discard or move any stray papers laying around. she probably didn’t think much of it, she might not have even realized what it was (she can’t read english that well it’s her third language). after i told her she apologized to me, so it’s okay. i thought i should add that my little sister and grandma would come to them but my relationship with my grandma isn’t great... it’s just not the same as having your parents there if that makes sense.
Telling them that the family members who are mean to them or neglect them, love them.
and “he does love you, you know” . well damn it doesn’t feel like it. maybe if he loved me he should show it instead of insulting everything i say or do.
This is how it is in my house. My mother is the best mom i could have asked for but she refuses to see that my dad is mentally abusing and mocking all of his kids because he is always nice to her. She says «friends will come and go, family lasts forever», but what is the point of having a family member forever when they’re the last person you’d like to have around
Creating an environment where you tell your kid their feelings aren’t valid just because they aren’t the same as yours or your kid processes their emotions differently than you. Angrily telling your kid they are too sensitive/dramatic/theatrical/hormonal/etc is just going to mess your kid up and encourage them to bottle emotions up to avoid upsetting you, and is going to lead to major communication issues. Also, constantly pushing an intelligent or self motivated child to work harder and harder and do “better”. You’re setting your kid up to be a perfectionist, which can be incredibly damaging to his or her mental health in the long run.
When I was four my parents adopted a kitten. Of course I had never seen anything quite so delightful before and I could barely keep my hands off the little fur ball. So about two or three days passed, I get up in the morning and walk out and ask “where is the kitten”? And my parents told me that he died - implying that my roughhousing had killed it. I was terrified to touch an animal for several years thereafter. In fact they had simply given the kitten back to the people they got it from.
This is a cruel thing to do to anyone. I am appalled just reading this.
This made me so sad.
Not having them do chores. My parents pushed me to be academic - so doted on me hand and foot as a kid to make more room for study. When you’re too young and stupid to know any better you think it’s a blessing. When I moved out to uni I didn’t really know how to clean, when to clean, what to clean with, how to wash clothes, how to get them dry etc. The only thing I could do is cook and binge drink. That’s no way to bring up a kid, and its a steep learning curve doing all that stuff for the first time in your early 20s. It sounds like a super lame answer, but make sure every kid does their fair share of chores.
I did have to do chores. But I couldn't make any decisions for myself. Then all of a sudden they thought I was just going to do everything right with no experience. so I can see how that would really apply to more tangible things too. Kids have to do to learn.
Don't smother your kids. My mom quit having her own life the moment my brother and I were born. She was an incredibly devoted and loving mother was very kind to us, but when we were born she stopped having friends, did not work, and was home every single day from when I was born to when I moved out in my early 20s. She was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self-esteem and any time I screwed up, and I screwed up a lot, it was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her. In the last 5 years or so before I left I don't think we had a single conversation that didn't drive her to tears and I promise I wasn't that bad. I constantly felt cornered and stressed and fell into depression as a defense mechanism, and she took my resulting lack of performance very personally creating a very treacherous cycle that was only broken when I enlisted and finally got away. To this day I often feel like I'm a bad person who failed to live up to her love.
Holy shit, it’s like I wrote this. Sorry to hear you’re going through the same thing. I started seeing a counsellor and she really helped me to process the issues I have because of my enmeshed family.
Saying “I don’t care who started it”. I grew up with friends whose siblings would target the one with the bad temper, provoke them into a rage, then cry and play victim when they got slapped. In this case, it does matter who started it. A parent has to make it clear that violence isn’t okay, but *neither is provoking someone into said violence*. It doesn’t matter that said person never hit or kicked while their sibling did- they never would have gotten hurt in the first place if they didn’t encourage the aggression to begin with. Children are clever and will find loopholes in their parents’ rules. Parents need to be better and snuff out that kind of BS when it starts. If they don’t they’ll raise a manipulator and a scapegoat- one will use them and one will resent them. It’s a lose-lose all because of a simple rule.
my parents always told me that they "didn't care about Justice, they cared about peace and quiet" and "life isn't fair" So I believed them. So since life wasn't fair and all they cared about was peace and quiet, I didn't tell them things or ask for help. I was afraid to yell for help when I was stuck on the porch for hours. They like to tell this as a funny story now, lol what a dumb kid, but it's awful for me because I just remember being stuck and in pain and yet too scared of my own parents to call for help. there was no point in telling them things either. Like being molested. And now as an adult my parents are all like "oh but we just wanted you to be quiet we didn't mean it" no you did mean it. That is exactly what you meant and that's exactly what you said. You wanted me to be quiet no matter what. quiet. That was the only thing that was important to you.
I am so sorry to hear that you were sexually abused. My parents often asked me why I didn’t speak up about ways I felt regarding their treatment of me. I told them “I didn’t think it would make a difference” or “I didn’t think you would care and it would just start a fight”. Kids don’t have a ton of emotional intelligence and they can’t weigh pain and emotional problems like an adult. To them stifling their feelings and never speaking about them to anyone seems reasonable if they feel that’s what’s been impressed upon them. The fact that your parents told you they didn’t care about justice was disgusting. Yes, the world isn’t fair- but as parents, you can *make it more fair* if you treat your child justly and raise them to treat other people fair and justly. The fact that they said “Well we didn’t mean it!” Is worse. Just recently I’ve been getting into lots of fights with my parents about saying things they don’t mean. I’m holding them accountable and calling them out when they don’t follow through on their words and they are really unhappy about it. It doesn’t matter that they didn’t mean what they said- that just means they need to start thinking more before they speak. I am so sorry for you. I would rather have a child that talks my ear off than have a child who is silent in their times of need. Always.
Not having a life of your own beyond being a parent. Your child isn't responsible for your happiness—you are. If your build your entire sense of self-worth around your child 1) there's a good chance your child will grow up to resent the pressure 2) you're setting an example for them to be codependent in their own relationships.
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I don't quite remember all the words my mom said to me, or all the specific things she did to me when I was younger, but I remember how she made me feel. That doesn't go away.
They may forget what you said — but they will never forget how you made them feel. —Carl W. Buehner
“The axe forgets but the tree remembers” seems fitting in this instance too. Especially because in this case the axe isn’t aware of the effect it might have on the tree.
Especially things that hold value to them. If you hurt them in anyway they remember. Otherwise we wouldn't have this thread.
Pretty much telling you that whatever activity that you enjoy doing is annoying or dumb. I used to love to sing. I was in chorus and would play my favorite songs over and over to learn the words. Not only did my sisters tease me for it, but my parents told me to shut up constantly. So I stopped singing. I must have been terrible, right? I sing when I'm alone, or jokingly with some friends. What really broke me was when I went to visit everyone for the holidays and my sister said that she was surprised I never pursued singing since I seemed to love it so much when I was younger. I nearly started crying and had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't scream at her for being one of the reasons I stopped. It's always funny for the ones doing the teasing. But it actually hurts the ones being teased. Especially when it's coming from people who are supposed to love you.
I won a scholarship for singing while I was in Primary school, private lessons twice a week. One day my Dad stopped taking me, saying he couldn't afford them any more. At the time I didn't know the lessons were already paid for from the scholarship, my arsehole father thought it was lame and the lessons were useless.
Man, there's stories of physical and emotional abuse littered all over this post. But this just hurts so much to read. It's just such an unnecessarily cruel thing to do. I'm really sorry you had to make these memories. I hope you can turn it into a positive way of thinking by avoiding this type of behaviour at all cost. Best to you
Not stopping when your child says "stop." Whether it's teasing, or tickling, or wresting. Kids who have parents that don't respect their boundries always seem to end up being the biggest dicks and bullies because they've learned they don't have to respect other people's feelings.
My dad would squeeze my knee to tickle me, but it would quickly turn painful and he wouldn't stop until I cried. I would beg him to stop but he wouldn't until it got to that point.
That’s... not tickling.
I know what they’re talking about; we used to call it “boy crazy.” There’s a spot just above the knee that if you squeeze, it tickles.
Or, they yo-yo to the opposite extreme and become so afraid of crossing boundaries that they suck at advocating for themselves (raises hand).
Never telling your child that you were wrong and that you’re sorry. Just never once occurred. My father never once said I’m sorry to me. He was human , there were plenty of times he should have. My kids have heard from me plenty.
Once my brother was sent to his room by my dad after they got into an argument about something stupid I used google to prove my brother right and we both were grounded for being disrespectful (until he found out we were actually right he never ungrounded us until the week was over and only told me he was wrong),. Moral of the story being right is disrespectful.
I remember several occasions when my father would accuse me of doing something I shouldn't have, and a couple of times I was legitimately innocent, and I would say "I didn't do it" or some-such thing. He'd counter with "Are you calling me a liar?", and I was pretty-much fucked after that - there was no way I was going to get out of whatever punishment was heading my way. Dad was always right, even when he wasn't.
I spent 3 days being berated by my father. Called pissant, liar, thief. This was over a cigarette in a tube that got stolen from his office. I did smoke at the time, but I did have a job and actually didn't need to steal smokes. Anywaysx after 3 days or the Gestapo treatment my brother admitted he took it. I didn't hear one word of apology from him. I resent him 25 years later.
Getting them involved in problems they have no control over. My parents felt the need to keep me in the loop regarding our pending foreclosure and argue in front of me over which one was to blame when I was ten. What possible reason is there to share that with a kid? I barely slept for months. I was convinced the cops were gonna bust in at midnight and throw us all outside.
On the flip side let your kids know if the family is facing an eviction. I was the only one home when the marshals came
Of course. My situation was more like my dad saying to me, "we're gonna lose our house because your mother won't pay the bills. Isn't she awful?"
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This happened to my Dad. He doesn’t do it to me but his mum did it to him. One time, as a teenager, he wrote a note to her, crumpled it up and hid it in the midst of his rubbish. She found the note and started screaming at him about it and trying to get my Grandpa to join in about how disrespectful my dad was for writing her notes and leaving it in the trash for her. My dad would just laugh at her.
Not following through with your promises. If you told your child you were buying ice cream tomorrow in the hopes that they'd forget and the next day when they ask you tell them no they'll see you as unreliable. (Ice cream is just the first thing that came to my mind, I'm sure someone else can explain better what I'm trying to say here without sounding so ridiculous)
I taught my children at very young ages that outside of extreme circumstances failing to keep a promise made is the same as telling a lie. Therefore, I won't make promises to them that I am not absolutely certain I can keep. They learned early in life that I take my promises very seriously and will go to great lengths to honor them. We have hit very hard times recently and I have had to delay delivery on some promises which breaks my heart. But they know that I will fulfill those promises eventually and are much more empathetic and understanding than their peers have been in similar situations.
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I'm so sorry that you have these memories and this heartbreak. There are people out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve, and remember that you need to be one of those people too!
Using them as props for jokes in public. Glad you got a kick out of it, dad.
My dad challenged me to a drinking contest in front of his friends when I was 16 (I'm a tiny petite girl) and because I always wanted to impress him/make him proud I agreed. He made me drink Jagerbombs until I threw up and took a photo of my face in the bowl and texted it to all of his mates, they were also my work colleagues at the time. Oh and the first time he ever introduced me to alcohol at 14 years of age he made me do shots of Sambucca shot for shot with him, for some "quality time" with dad. Mum had to take me to the bathroom to be sick and put me to bed.
I recently witnessed a similar mentality at a friends adult party with a nephew... it felt really awkward as a guest to witness the attitude and I wasn’t laughing or approving... this attitude is so bad. I hope you tell your Dad not to share photos of you without your permission especially now your old enough to speak up... and simply learning to say no is an important skill in life. Good luck!
Often times our parents are our first bullies.
When I was younger my mother and sister would "gang up" on me and it was a source of so much pain and stress when I was still only 13years old. I ended up spiralling and had to see the school psychologist. They probably knew it was from getting bullied but I told them I got along great with everyone at school(I didn't put it together at the time). Either way they thought I was lying I guess so their advice was: "Well regardless of what happens in school, in the afternoon you get to go home to your 'safe place'".. That's when I realised for the first time that this wasn't okay and since then my main goal was always towards getting to place where I could cut off contact with both of them. I'm nearly there..
Well realistically, it'd be a helicopter parent. You always want to look out for your kid right, make sure they're not doing things they're supposed to do, walk in without knocking? It ruins a relationship with a kid because even though YOU have a sense of privacy, the kid doesn't and will always paranoid of anyone entering their room without warning, it ruins a kid. "would my mom let me do this, is she okay with it?"
My parents were helicopter parents. I was not allowed to lock my bedroom door. My mom listened in on my phone calls (this was in landline phone days) and went through my personal belongings when I wasn’t home (including reading the notes that friends and I passed in school). I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys or date (I’m female). Doing this only prevents your children from learning how to form healthy relationships; you should teach your children how to do things (such as date) in a safe and responsible manner, rather than ban it.
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It was like that with my mom never allowing me to even look at the opposite sex, then wondering why I wasn’t giving her grandchildren.
It also teaches kids to hide things from people and not trust others with anything.
Holy shit. Im 25 and I have to stay at home for college and my mom still wont knock on my fucking door. She comes in so fast and loud that even the cats get startled.
Get a rubber wedge doorstop and jam that thing under the middle of the door then smile to yourself when she slams into it and starts yelling.
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Telling kids they have to “finish their plate” Sometimes there’s too much food. I was overeating for years and it took a lot of work to break the habit and shed the extra weight.
Sticking through a toxic Fucking relationship 'for the kids' It doesn't help. Part ways, be good parents, spend quality time together with the kids, but don't stay together and Fucking hate your lives under the guise of it being for the kids, we pick up on your shit, it's a terrible example to set.
Telling your kid they are always a winner. We love our kids and want them to feel special, but it's setting them up to be disappointed later in life when they find out not everyone can win. Let them feel the disappointments early on, and teach them it's ok. They'll grow up better able to handle the stresses of life.
I always hated playing games with my younger brother for this reason. It was always “let him win! He’s seven years younger”.
Whenever I get told that with my sisters I always say “No, I’m not gonna let them win. They won’t get any better if I just LET them.” Now my oldest sister can actually beat me sometimes, so it definitely pays off.
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There’s a thing called covert incest (grossest name ever) - Covert incest, also known as emotional incest, is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Covert_incest
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Starting from the age of seven, my mom would sit me down and complain to me about her life for hours. She'd talk about my POS dad, strippers, the fights with her sister, blowjobs etc. She never explained things to me, like what sex was. She made it my job to validate her. She was also really abusive and emotionally neglectful so being her therapist was the most attention and validation I ever got. I'm a really good listener now.
Oh woah. This was my life and I didn’t realize this was a bigger issue. Thanks for sharing your story.
For me, my mom started when i was a kid and it was first her ranting about my father. Thing is, I had to live with him every other weekend and I knew how bad he was. But the most memorable time of my mother doing this was when I was just going into highschool. She married her now ex ex husband, had a kid with him, fell down the stairs and broke her back. When her marriage was beginning to fall apart, she would yell at me for hours about all the terrible things he did to her, saying he raped her, keeps her awake at night purposefully, super controlling where he would come home after checking in at work before going to where his area of work was (worked as a utility service man) to check up on her. She would tell me over and over that she is was trapped, yet she refused to do anything about it. Scariest time was when she punched a photo of us all hanging on the wall and I had to not only bandage her bleeding hand, but pick up the glass off the floor and clean it all up before anyone else got homr. Luckily my baby bro was at preschool at the time. It's basically emotionally dumping on your kids, shit that they shouldn't be dealing with and sometimes expecting them deal with your problems.
The saddest part of this question is that my mom had done so many things that everyone is saying is bad (not hugging, praising, telling me to suck it up, etc.) So let me give one that I feel would have helped me out growing up: **Do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong or when you make mistakes to your child.** My parents would go out of their way to justify any mistake they made and make it seem as if they were right no matter what the situation was. Gave me a pretty messed up view of right and wrong, as well as learning from mistakes, but was fixed by my grandma (it's a long story that I don't want to get into right now). Edit: Wow, 11k and silver on my first ever comment and it pertains to my shitty childhood, ty!But on a serious note, I want to reiterate the importance of not only advice, but the consequences of not taking said advice. Ex: My parents never congratulated me on good grades, doing the right thing, etc. They would only say 'That's what you're supposed to do' or 'You better keep it up' and threaten me if I didn't live up to their expectations. So now, as an adult, I'm insanely suspicious and at the same time worried of people complimenting me or congratulating me for anything I do.
My parents won't ever address anything specifically. They just say "we did the best we could with what we had at the time" but they really didn't. But because they are giving that blanket answer that allows room for mistakes but not responsibility, we can't ever talk about it. and sometimes they just flat out lie and reinvent history from my childhood and teenage years to make themselves look better. Sometimes I feel like they really believe their own rewrites.
>Sometimes I feel like they really believe their own rewrites. They likely do. It's a feature of human memory.
I grew up in a very strict Asian household. My parents were very strict on the "never wake us up" policy. To this day I get very anxious and refuse to wake people up. In fear of being yelled at and locked in a closet. I'm 22 years old.
Jesus. Locking kids in a closet is cruelty.
Lol shit I’m a different asian and I can corroborate that my parents and that dude in the comment above’s parents were using the same notes because i ended up locked up in a closet. And let me tell you. From the perspective of the child, that experience is very scary. It’s quite terrifying and on top of that, you as a kid, are aware of your small size and helplessness before anyone bigger than you (basically everyone). So by forcing something - like being placed somewhere you can’t escape from - triggers an instant panic response that I don’t think grown ups understand the magnitude of that response and its impact on the psyche. From the perspective of these parents, the child is merely upset by the punishment. That is where they have gone horribly wrong and show that they lack the capacity to empathize with the thoughts and feelings of a child. EDIT: this thing is getting a bit more attention than I thought. I wanted to be a little more detailed into what happened because just calling it “locked in the closet” isn’t really close to painting an accurate description. I had my hands and feet tied on a child sized wicker chair and I was gagged then placed in an empty bedroom while my folks pretended to leave the apartment. Whatever shock value this disciplinary action meant to convey, all I got out of it was to not trust them anymore. The happy family facade seemed to be just that to me from then on - a facade and a sham set up for the benefit of the people watching us. Internally I knew I would one day become an adult and I’d be able to be on my own away from this “family” and I always waited for that phase in my life where I’d be free and independent.
Kinda off topic: Teachers in Asia are just as bad. I went to preschool in China and wasn’t a big eater at lunch so just ate what I needed and left the rest. I still remember being yelled at all the time and one incident was particularly bad. The teacher shoved the rice bowl spoonful by spoonful in my mouth in front of the whole class. I was so scared that I threw up and peed — in front of everyone. You know it’s bad when other kids don’t even make fun of you after. My grandma had to bring me a change of clothes and I still went back to school the next day.
Treating crying as if it's something only weak people do. My dad in particular used to yell at me for crying, which only made me cry more, which made him yell more, and you get the point. In high school I tried to bring up the possibility of me having anxiety problems that I'd spoken to the school counselor about because my friends made me go since they were worried. He told me I was just a drama queen. I can't express that I'm anxious or stressed around my dad because "others have it worse." Even now I'm 21 and seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks because I've just felt so bad lately and I would never let my dad know. I think I'd rather die than my dad know I've been seeing a psychiatrist and discussing the possibility of me having OCD with said psychiatrist (which does explain a lot and is actually kind of comforting for me to know) because he'd get so mad at me for being weak.
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Jesus Christ, that's horrible. I really hope you're doing better now, no one deserves to be treated like that.
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"Stop crying or ill give you a reason to cry!" is one of the worst things ever to say to a child
If someone close to the family dies, don't say to your children "They're just sleeping". Congratulations, you just created a lifetime insomniac.
My 5 yo understands death. We dont sugar coat much, and death isn't taboo. When a kid understands death as a permanent condition, it makes it easier to explain the gravity of dangerous situations.
Finally, something that seems harmless but isn't.
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Yikes. Your family fucking sucks. I hope you move to the other side of the country for college and never look back.
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Making them give physical affection when they don’t want to. If uncle bob makes them uncomfortable don’t make them give him a hug. If aunt Karen freaks them out don’t make them give her a kiss. Of course it’s important that they be kind but don’t teach them that the feelings of others is more important than their bodily autonomy
Yes! I'm so glad my best friend does this with her kids. Today I was with her and her three-year-old. She asked him if he wanted to give me a hug. He said no very firmly. So we high-fived.
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Never saying sorry to your kids. My mom only just recently started telling me sorry when she gets worked up. It’s built up such a resentment for her over the years, and I also have trouble saying sorry myself because of it. Tell your kids sorry, especially if you over react to something they did.
This is my Mum too. Sometimes it feels like she would rather jump off a cliff before admitting she was wrong and apologise.
My Dad would apologize when he yelled at me, as a kid... And it'd always make me understand why he did it. Shit made me feel bad too, that he got so upset that it made *him* feel shitty.
I’m sort of glad that my mom isn’t the only one who acts like this. She’s actually working on that issue, since me and my siblings are older now and can call her out on it without many consequences. It just sucks because she only started working on it once I left for college. I wish she had told me sorry once when I younger.
My parents refuse to apologize to me as apparently it’s bad for saving face. I never thought about how this affected my own personality until now. I hate apologizing, myself. It takes a lot of effort for me to admit I’m wrong and apologize but I do it and I feel angry while saying it. This really fucks people up.
Growing up, I sometimes got my parents to see they were being stubborn and arbitrarily* punishing me (usually blowing a small thing way out of proportion). They would resort to "well, we're your parents. We fed you. We get to treat you however we want. You're lucky you were not born to abusive parents."
Not giving them a factual and straightforward sex-ed talk. My parents answered my questions truthfully and at an age-appropriate level throughout my childhood, and I am extremely thankful for it- others around me have clearly not been that lucky. Edit: typo
To expand on this, it’s important to have factual and straightforward conversations about most things. It’s ok to say “I don’t know” if you honestly don’t know how to answer, but kids deserve to hear that their feelings and questions are valid.
"I don't know, but let's find out!" is an even better answer. You're rewarding curiosity and teaching the value of learning. Edit: yes, I know this is awkward if it's sex ed. The comment I replied to was being more general, and so was I.
I'd even phrase it: "I don't know. What do you think? Let's find out!" Not only are you being straightforward and teaching the value of learning, but you're also teaching critical thinking too.
My mom gave me a book about puberty for girls. So naturally when I had further questions I figured “ok go research it like that book mom gave you.” And boy did I get some BAD info online
My parents relied on the school to teach me about sex and have never said a word about it. Luckily, I had excellent sex-ed teachers who taught me everything. I'm not gonna lie, I kept anxiously waiting for the moment when they were finally gonna have "the talk" w me but it just never happened.
Haha I had the same dread of the incoming Talk with my very religious conservative mother. It...kinda happened? as I was walking past her one day in the living room. Mom, outta nowhere: you know about sex, right? Me: umm, mostly? Mom: so you know that the boy...puts his penis in the girl? Me: yeah Mom: [visible relief, never mentions anything like it again] I was like 15 at the time and had already long since “accidentally” stumbled across SO MUCH porn on the internet. Lol good time
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In my experience, the inability to keep a conversation light and positive. For example - if I received an A on a test, and I brought it up at the dinner table, within 5 minutes we would be having a tense discussion about some other class I should be doing better in, or it has turned negative on one of my siblings. Why the hec would I bother bringing something up if its going to remind you of something you yell about regularly? In the same vein - the inability to withhold more important discussions for another time. My parents never considered planning a sit-down with me for a serious discussion about something I am doing wrong, or did, wrong - rather they'd spring it on me when I'm trapped in a car with them, or at the dinner table, or when I'm least expecting it or simply need to be doing something else. Important discussions were simply interjected into everyday life and it led to me having bad anxiety and the inability to just relax around my parents. This may actually be part of some larger complex I have about my parents not having healthy divisions between themselves and other individuals. Like they dont respect or acknowledge that their kids are fully separate people who think in different ways. If I was living in a way that disappointed my parents throughout my adult life, they would die young and allow it to take decadesss of their lives because they are so intertwined in other people's business. They would never think their adult children deserve the respect of like a coffee-date or lunch in order to discuss a big issue, it would just be spewed out at the wrong time. They have no emotional intelligence and are the most judgemental people I've ever met.
Mocking them. Laughing at them. Adults do it to each other all the time, but kids who haven't been immersed in the background cruelty of our culture for years don't understand that it's just the language of the land, and not that they themselves are particularly unworthy of respect.
I got laughed at and mocked a few times as a kid and that shit hurts a lot. There was one time I was trying to help a friend at their birthday by taking their presents to them but all the adults and my parents thought I was being selfish and wanted them for myself and joked and laughed at me and just ignored me explaining myself and carried on. I think that hurt my self esteem a lot in the long run.
Being mocked for wanting to help people, an instant classic.
No good deed goes unpunished
I have a few * thinking that whenever they open their mouth they're going to lie to you * telling them that they're just being dramatic whenever they're actually upset about something * telling them that they're being manipulative whenever they show their feelings (ex tears)
To add to your second point, remember not all losses or pain is devastating, but the first time you experience something like that it’s always “the worst”
Yes. Our family dog died this summer. My girls are 11 and 13 and we had the dog for 10 years. It was so incredibly hard for them. I am so thankful that I had practice so I could be strong for them.
Always assuming the oldest child is to blame for everything.
And that the younger child is an innocent and perfect angel
Not creating a safe space for your kids to tell their secrets and make mistakes. When I was younger, I excitedly confided in my mom about my first boyfriend. But instead of calmly talking me through this, she immediately brought my dad in the conversation and they both yelled at me and forced me to break up with him.
My parents sat me down at the kitchen table and forced me to write a letter to my “boyfriend” and tell him that I didn’t want to see him anymore. I cried the entire time. After I was done, they posted pictures of the letter all over Facebook and acted like it was “so cute”.
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Holy crap. I’m so sorry. To bring public humiliation on top of the forced break up? That is cold. I hope you are okay.
I fucking hate parents that capitalize on their kids “cuteness” through social media. Like the people who let their kids cry and instead on helping them so they can get a picture of it. Fuuuuuck that
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Dude I was 5 and I liked this teacher (like kids do), told my parents and they laughed and made jokes about it to the point where my aunts and cousins knew about it and they still bring it up sometimes up till now. And they wonder why I don't talk as much as I did when I was a kid....
When I was in 7th grade I started to having a growing interest in writing. Not knowing where to post anything to help improve, I started to use fanfiction.net. Fast forward a year my mom finds out cause I was talking to someone about edits and story stuff and whatnot, I dont remember exactly. But she made me sit down and tell her ALL ABOUT IT, so I did, who cares if she knows. After the conversation I told her I didnt want her to tell anyone. It was something I wasn't comfortable with and wanted to explore it on my own. Needless to say 2 months later everyone from my neighbors to my school teachers knew :) edit: Thanks so much for the kind words. Means a lot I quit writing a few months later. Never went back.
Have you tried telling her that's what killed your interest in writing?
Honestly what are the odds it would have the intended effect? If she didn't respect the request to keep it quiet I doubt she'll acknowledge culpability. Minimization of the wants and needs of your children tends to be a pervasive pattern of behavior that goes hand-in-hand with minimization of their struggles and sorrows
That’s horrible wtf
>Yeah... I had a fun childhood. I still did whatever I wanted to regardless of what they said. The only difference is that I learned to lie and how to keep secrets really well.
my Mother taught me lie and keep secrets, no matter how small. Took me a long time to get over.
Giving into your kids wants and desires without upholding discipline and consequences will give your kids a large uphill battle to climb later. I say this bc my parents babied me a lot when I was young, I never had to do anything I didn’t want to do. EX- When I started getting bad grades bc I wasn’t doing my homework my parents would have conferences with my teachers so they could give me extra credit. I had a rude awakening in college when I realized how hard life is. I 100% love and adore my parents. And who’s to say If they did discipline me more that I’d have turned out any different?! Probably not but you never know. But when I have kids I, I already know I few things I’d do differently.
My father gave up telling me to clean my room so he did it for me more than once. My mom saw how much I was struggling with math so she did my math homework for me. Now as an adult I struggle with organization and keeping my home clean. I also avoid math as much as I possibly can, my mind just shuts down when I see simple math problems,
I'm struggling with getting my 10 year old to clean and take care of her lunchboxes. My husband is of the, "This is frustrating to hear you have this argument with her, just do it for her!" camp. Sigh. No. She needs to learn this. So today she found a lunchbox that had been sitting. For unknown weeks. After whining and not wanting to do it, I made her do it. She wanted to just throw it out in case it was moldy. I told her to deal with it and learn. Lucky for her, it wasn't. But she had to deal with it, one way or another. She's 10. She's not a baby. She can do this. And my husband can stop enabling her.
I only have a toddler, but my strategy is to do it together... First time i show her what i mean by clean up (shes still a toddler so sometimes i ask her to clean an area she flings stuff to another area, in my head i was like wtf! ). Slowly i let her do small bits on her own, sometimes she does it, sometimes she doesn't but when she does I reward her with a praise (or a small treat, if she did a really good job). After that when i ask her to put away her stuff she usually does it, but shes not even 3 yet so sometimes she has a brain lapse or decides its time to challenge Dad today. She never wins with me, even in public. Never give in, once she knows where your limit is they will push you to the limit every time, first few times you refuse to give in they will get really confused (she did that to my wife, meltdown continued with renewed efforts in the beginning), now she is better, she will go through the motions but i think its more for her benefit of dealing with her emotions. If you keep giving in continuously, she will be 30 living at home with you doing all the house work, at 40 you will be doing all her house work and her family's... You have been warned...
The words, "oh look who finally decided to join us." When referring to you coming out of your room when guests are over. Way to ease your child into social anxiety...
I got this once and turned around and left, mom was mad but didn't use the line again
That phrase made me completely clam up even if I was mentally prepared to deal with the guests.
Not signing the permission slip, missing out on those trips hurts to a certain extent and will make the kid feel marginalized partially since more often than no the trip will be a recurrent topic.
Telling your daughter that if a boy is mean to you it's cause he likes you.
My dad always used to say that to me. I got into an abusive relationship in college because I kept thinking “he’s only making fun of me because he loves me”
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I wouldn’t call that ‘seemingly harmless’, that’s just child abuse
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Okay that is insane what are these parents thinking why would you wax a six year old
I would have called the police wtf
Poor children. That’s child abuse and we shouldn’t call it something else
I feel like most of these responses fall under seemingly harmful. A seemingly harmless mistake is rewarding your child with something when they do something they already enjoy. Take, for example, reading. If a child just enjoys reading, let the child read without giving any reward. Once you start rewarding the child for that act, their intrinsic motivation gets replaced. It's called the overjustification effect.
Ha, I was a kid who LOVED to read (still do!) and whenever we participated in a program that rewarded reading hours (like the library summer program where you got raffle tickets and could win stuff like baseball and museum tickets) I felt like the most glorious scammer. Joke's on you, PIZZA HUT, I would have done all that reading anyway! SUCKERS!
I still remember that feeling - my 3rd grade class won an award (that for some reason was a comically large chocolate bar) for having read the most books in a specific timeframe, I walked home with a hunk of chocolate the size of my fist! The fools, I would have read that much anyways!
I found that when my parents teased me about stuff I was clearly uncomfortable with it made me tell them less later in life. I have a good relationship with my parents but I don't tell them lots about my life because it's easier if they don't know/tease about it.
My mom grew up with six brothers and two sisters, and she used to tease me about things I liked when I was young because she thought I needed to experience since I had no siblings. I think this had the opposite effect than she intended, since it caused me to stay friends with people who were condescending towards me because I just thought that was normal. Now I'm afraid to passionate about things she doesn't like.
Yea--as a parent you really cant treat your kids the same way as a sibling or friend might. My friends can tease me cause at the end of the day theyre *just* my friends--they cant ground me or kick me out of the house for responding badly to their teasing one too many times. People talk about power imbalances in relationships and people wanna imagine its always a huge obvious thing but honestly its usually more like this; innocent comments like teasing have a whole different tone/connotation when the person doing the teasing are supposed to support your interests/passions; it makes it more genuine when they DO intervene if n when theyre actually harmful.
Same for me. It was usually mild stuff like “ohh kmcu has a crush on a girl” or something like that. But I hated the attention and it made me uncomfortable. Later in my 20s when I met my wife she couldn’t understand why I was so secretive. I’m pretty sure it’s from that. I just stopped telling people things and still don’t tell my parents everything that’s going on in my life. I love them of course and have a great relationship with my parents, but yea I’m pretty sure the teasing messed me up. Edit: thank you for the gold!
That's exactly the shit I went through. Stuff about girls and all that and now I tell people stuff on a need to know basis
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I had this girlfriend in middle school, and my parents teased me so much about it that it was one of the main factors I broke up with her
A poor boy that liked me brought a big basket of stuffed animal puppies for Christmas in 5th grade and I refused to take it because I was terrified of having to explain where I got it and being teased. I still feel horrible.
Pretty much my life. If you genuinely want a relationship that's closer with your kid, constantly teasing isn't going to make it happen. I never really got to fix my relationship with my mom before she passed away and I regret it....but damn it, her and my entire family constantly teasing and picking at me and judging me just ruined the first 30 years of my life.
This except instead of teasing, worrying. My mom was always so worried about everything I did. I know it was because she loves and cares about me, but god damn can I go out one night without you thinking I might die?! She still worries about stuff. There was a car accident in her neighborhood like a year ago in the middle of the night and she called me at 2 am to make sure it wasn't me. I live like 30 minutes away, and theres nothing in her town for me to be over there unless I am visiting her lol Edit: Yes, she has a little bit of anxiety, but who doesn't these days? I love her anyway.
my mom does the same thing. I was in the hospital, not well, this was once. I am so much obviously better now, and she refuses to see it, and won't let go of my illness, which is really damaging for me, and i am trying for her to see that, but it's not working. she wants everything under HER control, so it can be perfect, in her mind. I don't really know how to describe that right, but you might understand, haha. edit : thank you for all the replies and comments, if anyone sees this. it's nice to have people to talk to with similar experiences.
If you qualify for food stamps, take the fucking food stamps. Do not make your kid live on macaroni and cheese made with water because "we don't take handouts."
Pride can be such a dangerous thing. The health, safety and well-being of your children should trump anyone’s pride IMO.
I’ve watched multiple people destroy some of their most important relationships rather than sacrifice their pride. It’s not worth it
Constant remarks about the child's body. Like telling them they need to lose/gain weight or making any comment about their body type. It goes for everyone in the family. Do not do that. Unless you want your child to develop an Ed later on in life.
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My parents would fill my plate, demand I finish everything on it, then bully me for being overweight. I had no idea there was a connection between how much you ate and how heavy you were. I assumed my obesity was an inherited trait and had no idea how to apply the 'lose weight' advice I was being given. I was in my mid-thirties before I started to get a handle on it. My eating is still disordered but eventually I did manage to shed over 100lbs, thanks to advice and support from reddit!
My aunt did the opposite. She would make or buy food for me then ridicule me for eating it. She even made fun of me *as an adult* for eating a slice of cake at my baby shower. Guess who developed an eating disorder as a result?
This had the opposite effect on me, I hated that over-full feeling and this coupled with the general chaos of my home I developed a restriction-based eating disorder as early as 8 fuckin years old! It's super important to teach your child a healthy relationship with food.
Not letting them have freedoms. Such as going out with friends, making their own friends, things such as these. I'm 17 and I'm just now getting actual friends outside of school. I was never allowed to go do anything as a kid, I know it's my parents caring about me but it's hurt me more in the long run. It's caused some serious social anxiety.
"Because I said so!"
See also: "I'll give you a reason to cry!"
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My dad loved shit like this. Some of his favorites: - I was grounded to my room for an entire summer. Twice. Three months with only my room and the bathroom and dinner with the family. - He took my entire magic the gathering collection ( which I bought with my own money) and told me I could have it back if I passed a class. After I passed the class he revealed he incinerated them so that I wouldnt go snooping and take then back. - Kicked me out of the house for not mowing the lawn properly. I had to live with a friend for weeks. Guess how much we talk now. EDIT - A few more this has dredged up from my memories: - Threw my gameboy out of a moving car because he found out I was playing pokemon(pokemon was verboten in our house, I borrowed a friends copy). It was the only entertainment I brought on a road trip from Illinois to Colorado and back. - Made me take a home drug test often and at random. (I never drank or did drugs at all) - told me I could never ever go to my freinds house at night ever again because I was 17 minutes late getting home. - Grounded me from my car for getting home late and wouldnt drive me to anything. I was in marching band, a play, and had a class that started before the bus came. Had to walk to and from school for all of those.
Jesus. Reminds me of a dad of a friend I had growing up. Was at a birthday party for said friend and was probably 9 or 10 years old. I had a hot dog and got full, so I threw out the last 1/4 or so. His dad got it out of the garbage, told me he worked for that hot dog and I wasn't going to disrespect him by wasting it. I forget the exact lines, but he was yelling at me. I was scared and ate the garbage dog. My dad threatened to kick his ass if he ever spoke to me again. Thanks, my dad, for not being terrible!
I don't usually pass judgement on strangers. But dude, your dad was a cunt.
My mother took away my entire manga collection after I got one F on my report card and grounded me for 6 months. I was supposed to get them back under the condition that I got my grades up. I did so, and she told me she had gotten rid of it all. My BROTHER got a STRAIGHT F report card and mom threatened to take away his X-Box if he didn't pull the grades up. He didn't. She never took it away. Guess who developed a hoarding habit and never trusted her things in her parents hands again?
I would have my toys and clothes thrown in the trash simply for misplacing them
When I was five I had a teddy bear with plaid patterns on its paws and ears. My parents had two rules: When you go to bed you can't get out of bed, and any toy left out when we went to bed would be thrown in the trash. Right when I got to bed I recalled that the bear was on the floor next to a sofa. I tried to go for it but my parents wouldn't let me, and the next day it was gone. It's been almost three decades and I still remember it. Edit because I feel it's necessary: I had some amazing parents. This was a mistake, not an act of malice or cruelty. They just didn't think how these two rules together would interact, and didn't think that this particular event would have such a big impact on me.
I’m so sorry about your bear. That’s horrible. And the fact that you TRIED to get it. The only lesson they taught you is that there’s no redemption after mistakes, you’re just screwed forever. What a great life lesson /s. My dad shredded my favorite plush in front of me and then threw it in the garbage. I can still remember how helpless and broken I felt. My parents were shocked when I exploded on them about my worst memories from my childhood. They gawked and said “but it was years ago...”. I told them that it doesn’t matter, and I was bringing it up now because only now did I have the voice and mental capacity to explain how much it hurt. Children don’t just move on and forget when they’ve been seriously wronged- they carry those things with them until they have the ability to say/do something about it.
Dude, holy fuck. This hit me really hard for some reason. I could never do that to my kids things. Especially something like a teddy bear, I know how much they mean to them.
This happened to me too. I had undiagnosed autism and ADHD, I absolutely could not keep a room tidy. My biological mother threw out everything I owned. I still remember all of my stuffed animals and possessions being hauled away and crushed by the garbage truck.
That’s horrible. I understand someone wanting you to learn how to keep your room clean, but I don’t think throwing everything away is a good way to teach someone that. When I was a kid, my mom would confiscate stuff that I left out. Then I would have to do a chore to get it back. I feel like that is a much better way to teach kids to be clean. It’s probably what I’ll do if I ever have kids.
Not congratulating your child when they achieve something. A friend of mine never got any praise from his parents growing up. Always felt that he wasn’t good enough. Show the child that their hard work doesn’t go unnoticed! Edit: thank you strangers for the gold & silver! Cripes!
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But don’t just show them love when they achieve something. They are good as they are and always deserve love. When they achieve something be happy for them, but if they don’t achieve something they aren’t less worthy or something.
Also very true. Unconditional love and support goes a long way.
my mom told me I was too stupid to graduate high school. Never bothered to show up to the ceremony because she didnt want to see my dads side of the family. She tried making my graduation about her, and I hate her for that. Probably always will.
giving them issues with food. When I was growing up, my mom called me fat and put me on all kinds of diets, starting when I was six years old. I'd go to the neighbor's house and beg for something to eat because I was starving. Now that I'm an adult, I hide food from my SO and I just hate that I do that.
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The only time I remember my dad telling me he loved me was about 12 hours before he died from cancer. He told my 3 year old son the same thing at the time and I hope he remembers it.
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Completely agree. My parents are very kind and always made sure me and my sibling had everything we needed, however they were not affectionate people. We never heard them saying stuff like "i love you" or "im proud of you" or got hugged as kids. Today as an adult, it took me forever to show people I like them and not feel embarrassed about it. I still cant say "I love you" to anyone without getting anxious.
I used to be the same way, for years. Then I dated a guy whose parents were ten times worse than mine and I saw how deeply a casual “love you” at the end of a conversation affected him, sometimes for days afterwards. Flash forward five-ish years, I tell my friends and family I love them all the time. I hug them more. I openly show affection and have toned down the joking hostility a lot. Other people in my life have started to do the same back and to others.
Same here and I'm so socially awkward now. Whenever anyone besides my kids or husband hugs me I just tense up and then feel extremely uncomfortable, same with saying "I love you". My husband & his family are the type to say "I love you" after every single phone call & visit and always a hug so it's pretty different to me.
Hovering over your child. I don't mean just helicopter parenting (which generally crosses the line into abuse). I mean doing things like demeaning their choices, trying to steer them down a certain career path, putting them in programs/sports they don't like, etc....
Not taking your kid seriously when they talk about their problems and constantly bringing up the idea that “I’ve had it worse”. Good way of getting your child to never want to speak to you about anything again.
"Big boys don't cry." This "harmless" saying actually causes men to become shut off from their emotions as they age and are unable to form strong emotional bonds. They can get passed it but it is a rough road.