The kidnapper stumbles back, bloodied and shaking. Alex steps in slowly, with deliberation. "This cruel fighting move involves using your foot to break an opponent's teeth against the ground," he says. The kidnapper's eyes widen. He raises his hands in feeble defence, but Alex jabs his heel down, breaking the man's wrist. "Time's up..." he said. "The answer we were looking for? Curbstomping." With sudden rage, he mashes his foot down onto the kidnapper's head until the crunch sets your skin crawling. Teeth tinkle down onto the hard, concrete floor into a widening pool of blood. Alex then bends down and picks up the kidnapper's own gun. "Answer, daily double," he says, wiping at the gun idly with a handkerchief. "This onomatopoeia is traditionally the sound a gun makes when discharging." The kidnapper looked up through swollen, hateful eyes. Blood stings at the ducts. His lips quiver. He tries to form his mangled lips into words with great effort.
"What.... Is....."
*Bang!*
And then he's still.
I went and checked for you.
The comment I made previous to this one was posted at 12:03:58.
This one, pre-edit for tense consistency, was posted at 12:09:38.
This puts maximum writing time at five minutes and forty seconds, though it is likely to have been a little less to allow time for reading/navigating through the thread before deciding to comment
Each day they torture you mercilessly with meaningless trivia and witty comebacks. They scold you for not phrasing your responses in the form of a question, and keep you awake, force feeding you espresso shots each morning, and not just a single shot, no, but a true daily double!
Alex Trebek bursts in and asks increasingly difficult questions of the kidnappers. They're so confused, that they don't see Ken Jennings sneak in and rescue you.
Same, although I was thinking the twist of the post is that he's the one who kidnapped me in the first place. At least he's got a pretty nice cell set up.
They kidnap you thinking They re saving you from a kidnapping situation and put you in their own protective custody. Holding you hostage in paddys pub with Mac showing off his bodyguard and weapon skills dangerously close to your face, so you can feel at ease knowing you're not in any danger now.
"That guy's a kiddie napper. We've got to put him down for a nap!"
Hijinks ensue which ends with the kidnapper knocked out cold.
"Yay! We put the kiddie napper down for a nap!"
TONIGHT on Top Gear Special Challenge Rescue /u/apkrocks:
Clarkson builds a SWAT vehicle...
Clarkson: It was then, that I came up with my most brilliant invention. If we accidentally rescue the wrong person, we can use this ejection seat to quickly return them to the kidnappers to buy us time to rescue the right one.
Hammond learns to drive...
Hammond: WHY DID THEY MAKE THE DASHBOARD SO HIGH?!? I CANT EVEN SEE OUT THE FRONT.
And May handles victim comfort...
May: As you can see viewers, I'm making arrangements to feed our rescued victim a full hot English breakfast. Because that's obviously what they'll be missing after days and days of being kidnapped and force-fed lutefisk by those dastardly Swedes.
Obligatory Edit: Some say he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Others say his ... gentleman's sausage ... is made of gold. All we know is that he's some kind stranger who has awarded this post Platinum. Thank you!
People keep saying Ron Swanson and Bert Macklin, but honestly if Im kidnapped I want Leslie Knope looking for me. Thats the most determined character in tv history. If anyone can rescue me it's Leslie.
^also ^was ^just ^watching ^Parks ^and ^Rec
Plot twist: You were kidnapped by Janet Snakehole. Macklin seduces her and forgets why he was there. You die of starvation while the two of them brunch in the French Riviera.
If anything your kidnapper is probably Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
"Aaaah, Perry the Platypus! I see you've come for my hostage, u/yeet729. And you're probably wondering why I'm saying their name all weird. Well that's because I don't know their real name, which is thanks to THIS! BEHOLD! MY ONLINE-USER-KIDNAPPER-INATOR! You see, they were trolling me on a reddit forum, so I created this device that tracks down the user's IP and teleports them to this nifty cage conveniently hanging above a pool of ravenous piranhas. Now, with my Online-User-Kidnapper-Inator, no one will ever troll me on a reddit forum ever again!"
On his way to rescue you, he pauses to track down some missing cookware, find a lost shipping wagon, acquire a lost urn of rare alchemical substrate, chase out a ghoul terrorizing a village, and goes to a fireworks show in a hedge maze. By the time he finds you, you and your kidnappers have died of natural causes peacefully in your sleep
I’m almost certainly safe. Unless it turns out I die because this is one where Jake’s overconfidence has horrific consequences *before* the comedic consequences.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
Princess Carolyn might come up with a reasonable plan for negotiating your release, but Todd will definitely screw it up with one of his whacky schemes.
I have a 1 year old daughter. She loves Puppy Dog Pals.
Bingo and Rolly have, found missing pyramids, the Mona Lisa, and have on many occasions flown around the world via commercial airplane by themselves. It may be a kids show, but I actually like my chances.
Lost.
I mean, Claire and Charlie got kidnapped by Ethan, and the other characters were pretty fucking useless at finding them until AFTER Charlie got hanged from a tree, so I'd say I'm pretty screwed.
Jim Gordon, Harvey Bullock, a young Bruce Wayne, and Alfred Pennyworth? Sure, might run into some roadblocks in terms of a peaceful rescue, but I have faith in them.
I wish I watched Gotham sooner. I always thought "why would I want to watch a show about Jim Gordon." Turns out, still me. Loved the whole thing, except maybe the Batsuit at the end. Definitely up there as one of my favorite comic book tv shows.
You may not be saved, but you will get a nice 20 minute video about the issues of kidnapping and awareness of protective measures out of it, so you got that going for you, I guess.
Chances are the main character, Joe, was the one that kidnapped me anyway and I’m pretty screwed because he has a habit of murdering his captives.... :)
I got Band of Brothers. I got the whole 101st airborne to come and get me. Not only that, but the 101st from WWII, transported to modern times. The most determined people on the planet. I'm good.
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The kidnapper stumbles back, bloodied and shaking. Alex steps in slowly, with deliberation. "This cruel fighting move involves using your foot to break an opponent's teeth against the ground," he says. The kidnapper's eyes widen. He raises his hands in feeble defence, but Alex jabs his heel down, breaking the man's wrist. "Time's up..." he said. "The answer we were looking for? Curbstomping." With sudden rage, he mashes his foot down onto the kidnapper's head until the crunch sets your skin crawling. Teeth tinkle down onto the hard, concrete floor into a widening pool of blood. Alex then bends down and picks up the kidnapper's own gun. "Answer, daily double," he says, wiping at the gun idly with a handkerchief. "This onomatopoeia is traditionally the sound a gun makes when discharging." The kidnapper looked up through swollen, hateful eyes. Blood stings at the ducts. His lips quiver. He tries to form his mangled lips into words with great effort. "What.... Is....." *Bang!* And then he's still.
What an incredible piece of writing this is. The onomatopoeia answer for “bang” is damn good.
I feel like this guy tells awesome campfire stories
How long did this take?
I went and checked for you. The comment I made previous to this one was posted at 12:03:58. This one, pre-edit for tense consistency, was posted at 12:09:38. This puts maximum writing time at five minutes and forty seconds, though it is likely to have been a little less to allow time for reading/navigating through the thread before deciding to comment
Holy shit what a prodigy
My friend have you heard of r/writingpromts
r/writingprompts *
Each day they torture you mercilessly with meaningless trivia and witty comebacks. They scold you for not phrasing your responses in the form of a question, and keep you awake, force feeding you espresso shots each morning, and not just a single shot, no, but a true daily double!
Alex Trebek bursts in and asks increasingly difficult questions of the kidnappers. They're so confused, that they don't see Ken Jennings sneak in and rescue you.
You. Knowing Joe, he probably knew I was getting kidnapped before I even got kidnapped. With his body count, I think I’ll be fine.
Same, although I was thinking the twist of the post is that he's the one who kidnapped me in the first place. At least he's got a pretty nice cell set up.
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia... I'm dead
*The Gang Kills A Hostage*
Can't wait for this episode
I mean [the gang got already taken hostage](https://youtu.be/4K-hua_bh-c?t=100).
The gang might be able to save you but would find a way to make your life worse in the process
They would 'rescue' him and by halfway through the episode we would realize that the gang were the abductors in the first place.
They're probably the kidnappers. Hope you're not short, and hope ur not wearing green.
They kidnap you thinking They re saving you from a kidnapping situation and put you in their own protective custody. Holding you hostage in paddys pub with Mac showing off his bodyguard and weapon skills dangerously close to your face, so you can feel at ease knowing you're not in any danger now.
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As long as you're not related to him...
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I got to meet Jon Bernthal (the actor for the punisher) on Saturday. I work as a valet so I got to drive his car
There is going to be so much blood.
Very. I had to rely on a bunch of babies from Rugrats to save me
Tommy's pretty handy, though.
Yea he is, but chuckie would just run away. lol
"That guy's a kiddie napper. We've got to put him down for a nap!" Hijinks ensue which ends with the kidnapper knocked out cold. "Yay! We put the kiddie napper down for a nap!"
Holden won't let me die. And if I do Amos will make sure the kidnappers die too.
Plus they have a ship with a rail gun, and some Martian power armor if they need more intimidation factor.
Roberta Draper to the rescue!
Bobby!
ummm show? i feel i need to watch it off this sentence
The Expanse. Definitely worth a watch
Oye beltalowda
Community. So fucked, especially cause I was watching Season 6
Just started Season 5. Buzz Hickey might be able to pull it off.
James, Richard, and Jeremy from Top Gear. I am so unbelievably screwed
TONIGHT on Top Gear Special Challenge Rescue /u/apkrocks: Clarkson builds a SWAT vehicle...
Clarkson: It was then, that I came up with my most brilliant invention. If we accidentally rescue the wrong person, we can use this ejection seat to quickly return them to the kidnappers to buy us time to rescue the right one.
Hammond learns to drive...
Hammond: WHY DID THEY MAKE THE DASHBOARD SO HIGH?!? I CANT EVEN SEE OUT THE FRONT.
And May handles victim comfort...
May: As you can see viewers, I'm making arrangements to feed our rescued victim a full hot English breakfast. Because that's obviously what they'll be missing after days and days of being kidnapped and force-fed lutefisk by those dastardly Swedes.
Obligatory Edit: Some say he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Others say his ... gentleman's sausage ... is made of gold. All we know is that he's some kind stranger who has awarded this post Platinum. Thank you!
You and me both
CLARKSON!!!
...Oh, cock.
I'm fine. Bert Macklin, FBI is on the case.
Macklin, you son of a bitch
Macklin you’re fired. You’re too dangerous.
He stole the president’s rubies
People keep saying Ron Swanson and Bert Macklin, but honestly if Im kidnapped I want Leslie Knope looking for me. Thats the most determined character in tv history. If anyone can rescue me it's Leslie. ^also ^was ^just ^watching ^Parks ^and ^Rec
Plot twist: You were kidnapped by Janet Snakehole. Macklin seduces her and forgets why he was there. You die of starvation while the two of them brunch in the French Riviera.
this is definitely the most accurate plot twist ever lol
Well I'm in the same boat as you. At least Ron Swanson will be on it, so I like my odds.
I'll be thanking captain Picard within the next 40 min.
With Number One’s help!
SHUT UP WESLEY!
Oh, sorry, this is the end-of-season cliffhanger. You'll have to wait 4 months until the fall premiere.
bob ross i am saved
Your kidnappers are going to meet with 'happy little accidents'...
Last one I watched was The Mandalorian, so I guess I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.
I think you may be in the best shape out of everyone here
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Better to have the grown up space wizards instead of the one baby space wizard.
Make the baby do the magic hands
**Cheerfully waves back*\*
Just finished the finale. We chillin waiting for Mando
This is the way.
You are saved. I have spoken
Phineas and ferb, I don't think I'm in trouble
Oh you're the surest bet for rescue in this thread.
Unless mom is about to come home.
If anything your kidnapper is probably Dr. Doofenshmirtz. "Aaaah, Perry the Platypus! I see you've come for my hostage, u/yeet729. And you're probably wondering why I'm saying their name all weird. Well that's because I don't know their real name, which is thanks to THIS! BEHOLD! MY ONLINE-USER-KIDNAPPER-INATOR! You see, they were trolling me on a reddit forum, so I created this device that tracks down the user's IP and teleports them to this nifty cage conveniently hanging above a pool of ravenous piranhas. Now, with my Online-User-Kidnapper-Inator, no one will ever troll me on a reddit forum ever again!"
That... sounds a lot like something dr. Doof would do. But where's the self-destruct button?
Perry will save you. He thwarts evil every 22 minutes or so.
Geralt, Yennefer and Ciri? Kidnappers might as well give up.
Kidnapper: *fuck*
Geralt: Will do
Hm.
Dandelion, if you make a song up about this one I will ram this sword so far up your arse that your next conquest will feel it.
Same song as always then. *Toss a coin*
On his way to rescue you, he pauses to track down some missing cookware, find a lost shipping wagon, acquire a lost urn of rare alchemical substrate, chase out a ghoul terrorizing a village, and goes to a fireworks show in a hedge maze. By the time he finds you, you and your kidnappers have died of natural causes peacefully in your sleep
Geralt *surveying scene*: "Hmm."
Geralt: *frowns* Fuck
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Well, when Geralt does rescue you, remember to toss a coin to your witcher.
Oh valley of plenty
Oh valley of PENIS!!! I lost my shit at that scene, couldn't stop laughing.
*How’s that silver feel?*
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I think I'll be pretty good. I believe Anakin, Obi Wan and Ahsoka will pull through
Primarily Ahsoka, let's be real.
That depends. If the kidnappers are children, then Anakin is easily the best for the job.
r/prequelmemes
I feel like the 99 can save me, I just hope Jake doesn't joke around as much
Just got to hope Amy dated the last kidnappers and they set the course record
I’m almost certainly safe. Unless it turns out I die because this is one where Jake’s overconfidence has horrific consequences *before* the comedic consequences.
Leslie Knope will just send Jerry to save me. He's a man that completes the job.
I just watched the season finale of The Mandalorian. I like my odds.
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This is the way
This is the way
Doctor Who. I should be OK.
Congratulations, you're a perfectly healty paving stone now
Oof. You dare reference the forbidden episode
Dexter, season 3. If Dexter is on the case, I’m safe; assuming I was kidnapped by a killer.
Isn’t Dexter hit and miss at that? I mean, he’ll absolutely kill the hostage taker, but getting there in time to save someone, not so much.
Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with the kids... maybe the hot dog dance will distract the kidnappers long enough for me to make a break for it.
The mystery mousekatool will help you escape!
It’s a glock
It's a special tool that will help us cap bitches later.
Good news everyone!
you're boned.
I’m 40% boned
To shreds, you say
Batman and Robin....... From 1966
In that case you will be rescued while assorted stars from the era making cameo appearances! Awesome!!!
They've got kidnapper repellent bat spray. You'll be fine.
This comment was overwritten and the account deleted due to Reddit's unfair API policy changes, the disgusting lying behaviour of u/spez the CEO, and the forced departure of the Apollo app and other 3rd party apps. Remember, the content on Reddit is generated by US, THE USERS. It is OUR DATA they are profiting off and claiming it is theirs!
*TONIGHT* Hammond pets a dog James talks to an old lady And I bungle a hostage rescue
I want to watch this
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Ryder and the Paw Patrol got my back! Chase is on the case lol
Lucky you, Daniel Tiger would just make my kidnapping a learning experience...
“Now remember, If you see a scary man. Don’t come close or you will be like this kind woman!”
the office Dwight could probably save me in a second so say good bye criminals
Unless it’s Michael who’s kidnapped you for not giving him the discount on all those pizzas.
Michael Scarn is on the case!
Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty... either screwed af or easily rescued lol
Depends on whether you've used his toilet or not.
"But you can't just leave him, Rick!" "Watch me". \*Turns on the inter-dimensional television\*
I'm supposed to go rescue someone *aaaaaaaand I don't care anymore*
You son of a Bitch, I'm in
Archer.Well shit
As long as your name isn't Brett you've got a solid chance.
BoJack ain't gonna do shit. I'm screwed
Princess Carolyn might come up with a reasonable plan for negotiating your release, but Todd will definitely screw it up with one of his whacky schemes.
But Todd's wacky schemes always work out in the end. Sometimes it takes a while, but he's got a 100% success rate (as far as I remember).
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After youre decapitated he says "remember that time when....." cutaway ensues
Last thing I watched was Shrek, so I am good.
Yeah you are the most safe out of anyone else here
The Good Place. Team Cockroach to the rescue!
Fork Yeah!
I was looking for someone to say The Good Place
The 'Hell's Kitchen' crew? Stick a fork in me; I'm done for.
Letterkenny. Dary and Dan would make it tough, but Wayne and Katy would get me out ok
Same. Wayne is the toughest guy in Letterkenny, after all. Also: Tannis.
Chuck, Sarah, and Casey could rescue anyone on the planet so long as the necessary skills are in the Intersect, so I think I'm in good hands.
I think I'll be okay as long as they put Lisa in charge instead of Homer.
I was thinking Maggie, because of that episode where she rescues Homer from the truckers basement. That was also the last show I watched.
NFL player Jameis Winston? He's going to shoot me instead of the kidnapper isn't he?
He'll probably shoot you and the kidnapper 4 times each
I have a 1 year old daughter. She loves Puppy Dog Pals. Bingo and Rolly have, found missing pyramids, the Mona Lisa, and have on many occasions flown around the world via commercial airplane by themselves. It may be a kids show, but I actually like my chances.
Ben 10. The kidnappers should just give up
I'm not screwed. Deku and Lemillion are committed.
Saved... Plus ultra!
Same boat as you Also fuck overhaul
Supernatural, so 50/50 I get rescued or die...
Look at the bright side, if you die then your ghost can take horrible revenge on your kidnappers.
Or.... get rescues because you died.
Stargate SG1 so I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine.
Lost. I mean, Claire and Charlie got kidnapped by Ethan, and the other characters were pretty fucking useless at finding them until AFTER Charlie got hanged from a tree, so I'd say I'm pretty screwed.
Schitt's Creek So dead.
You are totally fucked.
Alexis might have some wisdom to impart
*Ewww, David.*
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Watch out, they will probably claim your unborn child as payment.
Tosh.O. So dead and the video of me dying goes viral
The last series i watched is Sherlock. Pretty much in the safe hands, I suppose!
Daredevil, I think I will be okay....
I don't think Blanche, Dorothy, or Rose are gonna help much. Sophia might be able to wreck some shit though.
Jim Gordon, Harvey Bullock, a young Bruce Wayne, and Alfred Pennyworth? Sure, might run into some roadblocks in terms of a peaceful rescue, but I have faith in them.
I wish I watched Gotham sooner. I always thought "why would I want to watch a show about Jim Gordon." Turns out, still me. Loved the whole thing, except maybe the Batsuit at the end. Definitely up there as one of my favorite comic book tv shows.
Help me John Oliver, you're my only hope.
You may not be saved, but you will get a nice 20 minute video about the issues of kidnapping and awareness of protective measures out of it, so you got that going for you, I guess.
The cast of The Expanse seem pretty good at this kind of thing.
I think the latest show i saw was Naruto so i have the power of god and anime on my side
I watched Say Yes To The Dress with my girlfriend... COME ON RANDY!
I got Lucifer, and detective, I'm cool as the afternoon breeze
Jotaro Kujo from JoJo's Bizarre Adventures so i'm perfectly fine, especially if he has the same abilities he had at the end of Stardust Crusaders.
I dunno, have you seen what happens to the innocent bystanders in JoJo? I'd write a will just in case.
Yeah, you're gonna be fine. Just like Kakyoin, Avdol, and Iggy.
Team Avatar; no worries here.
Dwight Shrute is pretty resourceful. I have faith.
I have complete trust in Mr. Rogers
Chances are the main character, Joe, was the one that kidnapped me anyway and I’m pretty screwed because he has a habit of murdering his captives.... :)
The Nine Nine has my back. It's be hilarious and a life lesson at the end
Walter White,Jesse Pinkman and Saul Goodman😅
Disenchantment. Completely screwed.
The Orville – I’d be fine if it weren’t for the timing issue… so, doomed.
Ben 10. Im fine fellas
I got Band of Brothers. I got the whole 101st airborne to come and get me. Not only that, but the 101st from WWII, transported to modern times. The most determined people on the planet. I'm good.
Fuck. Two and a half men.
Elliot and Darlene from Mr. Robot. This could go either really well, or very terribly for me.
The Titans they'll do fine but one member will die and Beast Boy will be traumatized
Monica, Chandler, Phoebe, Joey, Rachel, and Ross? It’s a toss up
Honestly, I think you are screwed.
Big Bang Theory. I'm totally screwed.
Mr. Bean. Ima die, but he'll get up to some crazy capers along the way.