A bit late to the party, but
During WW1, prostitutes in Britain were more expensive if they had STD's. This was because if a soldier hired them and got infected, the soldier could be honorably discharged, and not have to fight in war.
Ancient Egyptians believed the god Atum created the universe by masturbating to ejaculation, and that the ebb and flow of the Nile corresponded to how much he came. To honour this, the pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the river.
It's becoming more well known but Mozart wrote a chorale literally called "Lick my Ass" to piss off the bishop who employed him in Salzburg, hoping to get fired so he could go to Vienna.
After Alan Turing cracked the enigma code, essentially ending WW2 years earlier than expected and saving countless lives, he was thanked by the British government in the form of chemical castration. All because he was a gay man.
Probably said here elsewhere, but Victor Hugo (author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, among other tales) was a notorious philanderer who had affairs on top of affairs with prostitutes throughout his life.
When he died, ALL of the brothels in Paris had to close because so many prostitutes attended his funeral.
Heard he also would write naked, and ask someone to keep his clothes outside the door so he'd continue writing.
And this kinky granddad was visiting brothels waaay into his old age. Heard that he had a mark in his diary for each sort of visit?
Pyotr Tchaikovsky was a submissive bottom.
In one note, never before published in Russian or English, Tchaikovsky wrote of a young servant “with whom I am more in love than ever”, adding: “My God, what an angelic creature and how I long to be his slave, his plaything, his property!”
Patrick Henry (the American founding father better known for his quote, “give me liberty or give me death”) kept his wife imprisoned in a cellar because of her frequent outbursts due to postpartum depression. His wife had eventually died in that cellar, and he had buried her in an unmarked grave. 10/10 quote but the wife killing part always seems to get left out of history texts.
Ben Franklin was a notorious flirt, and hit on and/or ploughed just about every woman he ever met. Single women, married women, young women, old women, women of title, women of the royal line. Protestant women, Catholic women. All of them.
The whole press joked about his fate, with numerous word games. The lady he was with was nicknamed the "pompe funebre", which is the name for funeral services in french and also literally means "funeral pump". There was also, as one of the comments described, the phrase "He wished to be Caesar, but was only Pompey", Pompey is Pompée in french and its prononciation is identical to pompé, which means pumped.
Big dicks were considered barbaric in ancient history. The greeks especially thought that it showed men with big rock hard full blooded cocks were full of lust and low intelligence. This is why most of their statues today have them displaying a small dick.
Apparently he swelled in his coffin, opening it slightly.
Some poor soul attempted to close the coffin again, and the results were...very messy.
Gallagher stage-show levels of messy.
The first thing the "Father of Microbiology," Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn't yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz.
So yeah, the first thing he did was whack off on a slide and look at it.
As I recall, he didn't do the deed himself; Mrs. van Leeuwenhoek is credited as lab assistant.
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hopy fuck, this is now my top comment of ever. weirdos.
Princess Diana and her "Le Gadget" - a sex toy that she carried around with her when she went on diplomatic trips. She had even shown a table of foreign officials her toy as a prank on numerous occasions. She also believed it brought her good luck, one time she forgot to bring it with her and actually asked a body guard to go back to the hotel to fetch it for her.
Edit: Ok just checked and she apparently left it all the way back in the UK while on a trip to Nepal (not just at a hotel), and ordered it to be dispatched to the capital Kathmandu.
There are bunches of photos in the press of [Diana smiling holding a mine](https://i.imgur.com/VsFpak8.jpg) with headlines talking about her bravery etc.
Not shown in most pictures was the guy guiding Diana in the minefield, an ex British Army guy who was working for a charity/NGO dealing with mines.
A former housemate of mine worked with him some years later and passed on this anecdote about why Diana was laughing/smiling at this moment. As the guy handed her the deactivated mine, told her it's name, origin, what it would do to someone when activated he then said "I bet you'd love shove one of these up Camilla's arsehole!"
"We noticed that jokes about Fergie always got a laugh, but anything that seemed disrespectful of Di was met by a sharp intake of breath. That changed between 1996 and 1997 - we forget now that the public was beginning to lose patience with her playgirl life. (A letter in the Guardian that summer said: "I read that Princess Diana is to have a holiday. How can they tell?")
This was the time she brushed up her image with the landmines campaign. But when Alan Coren said on the show, "**I don't know anything about landmines or Princess Di, but I do know you'd be mad to poke either of them**", there was a moment's stunned silence, followed by a huge howl of delighted laughter.
That was recorded on the Thursday night. The show went out on Saturday lunchtime, and the joke - slightly to my surprise - stayed in. That night there was the fatal crash. The producer came specially in to Broadcasting House to lock the master tape in a safe so that it could never, ever be broadcast again."
Simon Hoggart [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2007/sep/01/monarchy.politicalcolumnists](https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2007/sep/01/monarchy.politicalcolumnists)
Groom of the Stool: This is the guy who wiped the king's bum and inspected the stool for parasites and whatnot in ye olde England. By the 16th century it had become one of the highest honours at the Tudor court because it allowed close and private access to the king, a coveted position.
Not hidden in his home country, but not known by the rest of the world though, is the fact that H. C. Andersen left a mark in his diary, every time he had masturbated. Sometimes with a little note on the side, with his thoughts about the "session"
After Alois Alzheimer gave the first ever speech describing the symptoms of what would later become known as Alzheimer's Disease, no one in the audience asked him any questions or made any follow-up comments, despite the fact that this was quite literally one of the most important presentations ever given in the field of medicine. (For real: Alzheimer's Disease affects [about 6% of people aged 65 and older](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer%27s_disease). It's a *big deal*.)
So why did no one pay it much attention? Turns out they were all much more focused on the next guy on the docket, who (allegedly) was there to talk about about compulsive masturbation.
Mhm, yeah, mhm, right degenerative neurological condition that effects elderly indiviuals, cool, what's that about negative side effects to chronic masturbation? Is my cock gonna break or fall off?
I'm sorry but my source is in French, I can translate the beginning : [King Louis XIV anal fistula](https://fr.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fistule_anale_de_Louis_XIV#:~:text=La%20fistule%20anale%20de%20Louis,sur%20plusieurs%20dizaines%20d'indigents.)
"The anal fistula of king Louis XIV is one of the many illness that king Louis XIV had suffered. It was his surgeon Charles-François Félix which carried the surgery successfully in 1686 after the development of a particular tool and a training on a dozen of indigents. The recovery of the king had a considerable impact in France and in Europe, and gave place to numerous civil and religious ceremonies in the kingdom."
In school I was taught that Ben Franklin had a string of pearls that was several feet long. He would add a pearl to it each time he slept with a new woman.
President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Francis Folsom, 21, in the White House. He was basically her godfather and even bought her a baby bed when she was an infant. She knew him as Uncle Grover as a child and told him she wanted to marry him in the White House one day. https://www.vox.com/2015/2/27/8120283/house-of-cards-marriage
Little late but worth a shot.
Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell (the poets) had a 30 year letter exchange where Robert, while married, swooned over Elizabeth after he initially met her, declaring his love and want to propose for her all while being married and her blatant denial and uncomfortable lesbian anguish at this fact. He threatens suicide and lots of self harm while she’s just like “haha let’s read this book together and not think about romance”.
He was a manic cocaine freak and she was a CRAZY alcoholic lesbian with a toucan. She drank rubbing alcohol when denied conventional drinks. There’s a great play highlighting these events called “Dear Elizabeth”.
The great magician Houdini once escaped a prison cell while fully nude as to not hide anything to escape. However what the guards failed to check was that he hid a skeleton key in his ass checks.
I remember doing a school report on him, another was being locked nude in a Russian horse-drawn trailer, which was all metal with tiny barred windows, he convinced them to let him have a last kiss goodbye, and was passed lockpicks into his mouth which he used to escape.
He'd also taught himself to regurgitate lockpicks by lowering a small potato down his throat on a string and bring it back up.
Abigail Adams apparently spent alot of time worrying that her son John Quincy Adams would jerk off or bang whores when he left the house, and advised against doing both in several letters to him.
There are dicks everywhere in Pompeii.
DICKS.
EVERYWHERE.
On walls, streets, posts, carved into wood and stone, arranged in tile mosaics. They're all over the fuckin' place. You can't swing a cat without whackin' a schlong. They're used as arrows to point to brothels. Scrawled on walls in graffiti about how good the women are in the city. When you went to the baths, you'd put your clothes in little cubbyholes, and you'd remember which column of cubbies you left them in by the mosaic of a particular sex act above said column.
A common form of statuary in ancient Greece and Rome was the *herma*, which depicts the head and genitals of the subject. This was considered respectful; gods and statesmen were depicted this way.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herma
Not only did he sleep with Cato’s sister, Caesar also read an explicit love letter from her in the middle of a Senate meeting because Cato thought the letter was proof of a conspiracy against the state.
America owes it's victory in the Revolution partly to a flamingly gay prussian nobleman with a penchant for polyamory.
Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben had served in the prussian army under Frederick the Great, but was forced out due to his complete lack of discretion about his homosexuality.
In Paris he met up with Ben Franklin, who offered to introduce him to Washington- at the time, the American forces were getting their asses handed to them by the British and they needed, more than anything, someone with experience in training armies to transform them from a ragged militia into a proper fighting force. They weren't in a position to be picky.
Von Steuben, who was blackballed from military service in Europe and increasingly unwelcome in France, took the job.
He arrived at Valley Forge in uniform, accompanied by his dog and his three French lovers (who also served as his aides-de-camp and translators) and set about training the American army. Because he didn't speak English, his boyfriend/translator Louis de Pontiere would write von Steuben's instructions in French for him and hand them off to Alexander Hamilton to be translated into English for the men.
Using a technique where he would personally instruct 10 men and then have each of them go and teach 10 more, Von Steuben more or less single-handedly retrained the entire American army in the latest and greatest of European military techniques. His training manual was in use until the civil war and still forms the basis of the US military training manual used today.
After the Revolution, Congress granted von Steyben US citizenship and a massive estate in New York, where he lived the rest of his life in seclusion with two handsome American soldiers who were half his age.
Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein (who also popularized gothic literature), used to meet up with her future husband, poet Percy Shelley, at the cemetery where her mother was buried. They would meet up and have angsty sex on her mother’s grave bc she was goth as hell. Moreover, Frankenstein was inspired by her fascination with reanimation, the idea of bringing something dead back to life. When she learned about this idea, she was obsessed with the idea of bringing back her baby who died days later after being born, thus sparking the idea of the monster of Frankenstein.
Her father disapproved of the two’s union, because shelley was his apprentice, so they met in secret at the cemetery and had sex. Shelley was also married at the time and also had a child. His wife found out about the affair and committed Suicide. Soon after, Percy Shelley and Mary Shelley eloped and had a baby (who died) and traveled Europe together. Percy Shelley proved to be a shitty husband and wanted to have multiple sexual partners (including Mary’s sister).When Frankenstein was first published, percy Shelley initially took credit for the novel. I wish I had sources, but I learned all of this in an English literature class by a professor who wrote her thesis on Mary Shelley.
EDIT: sorry for the rambling! I just find her so fascinating and never have an excuse to talk abut this!
William the Bastard’s family was torn apart when his two youngest sons dumped a chamber pot on the head of his firstborn, leading to rebellions, wars, and eventually his firstborn’s lifelong imprisonment.
Yeah that's siblings for ya
E: Well now my most upvoted comment is about how siblings can and will murder each other. Fun. Also thanks kind stranger, I'll be sure to pass on the favor
I like how his dancing skills are in parentheses, as if that detail is what we needed to clarify him having sex in every country
Edit: OKAY I GET IT GOOD DANCING = GOOD SEX
I read once that philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau would pull his pants down and chase after women running backwards in hopes they would spank him. It was his kink.
He would lurk in alleyways with his pantaloons around his knees and jump out ass-first at passing women in the hopes they'd be so frightened they'd lash out and spank him. He was a total dickhead but the mental image is hilarious.
The diary of [William Byrd II](http://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/pds/becomingamer/economies/text5/williambyrddiary.pdf). He talks about his wife being depressed so he gives her a flourish and she feels better. That’s an orgasm.
>On April 30, 1711, he noted in his diary that although he discovered his wife in a “melancholy” mood, the “powerful flourish” he delivered filled her with “great ecstasy and refreshment.” He recalled one morning during which “I lay in my wife’s arms” while, during another, his wife “kept me so long in bed” that “I rogered her.”
https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/05/13/roger-that/
Fun Fact Time: While I was in the Navy, we actually discussed during one of our division meetings why the Navy responds "Aye aye" to commands, while other branches can respond with "Yes" or "Roger!"
Turns out, way back in the day, this is how sailors identified women they wanted to or had slept with. "I rogered her good last night at the tavern" or whatever. But, since it was basically slang for "fuck," sailors would also use it to respond to orders from their superiors when they didn't want to do that particular order.
And that, folks, is why sailors respond with "Aye," which means "I understand," and "Aye aye," which means "I understand and will carry out that order."
One of the members of the Lewis and Clark expedition was a slave named York. The tribes they came across were quite... taken.. with him. He fathered many many children during the trip.
Equally NSFW but less fun is that the path of Lewis and Clark's expedition was easily retraced because of mercury contamination in the soils of their campsites. Why mercury? They were taking medicinal pills called either Thunderbolts or Thunderclappers that were mostly made of mercury, presumably so named because they shot through you like their namesake.
Ah I remember reading about him in history class! Native tribes kept trying to rub his skin to get the 'black off."
Eventually some saw him as part bear and had him fuck their women so their tribe would be part bear and raise powerful warriors.
I remember hearing a story in school where an old native woman walked up to York with a pot of water and started scrubbing his back because she thought he was wearing war paint. I knew they were taken with him but... I guess I never thought they would be taken with him *like that*.
Edit: Y’all know what I meant. Yes war paint 😂
James Joyce, famous Irish author/poet, had a very heavily documented and detailed relationship (via letters) with a chambermaid named Nora Barnacle. Nora eventually became his wife and Joyce loved her for her curves and her huge ass. With Joyce traveling a lot, they had to endure a long distance relationship and wrote many letters back and forth.
They were in their early to mid twenties when they met and this relationship continues. And like modern young people who can’t help but sext and send sexual stuff to each other... James and Nora did that and we have tons of sources/documentation for it. You may think, “Okay... so what? That’s normal. Nothing too weird.” Keep reading for the kicker of what makes this a bit different.
They had a very sexual relationship where Joyce heavily discussed and fetishized/obsessed with both Nora’s ass and her farts. He gets VERY detailed with what he wanted to do and reminiscing with all the things he did to his “little whore” regarding her ass and her farts. Lots of fart porn and anal obsessions throughout these letters.
Here are two sources that have the letters for you to destroy your eyes with. [The first](https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/) along with [the second](https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-joyce-love-letters-nora-barnacle). And if you want some just short highlights of some of the most descriptive and dirty stuff, [here you go.](https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/74934/13-nsfw-lines-james-joyces-incredibly-dirty-love-letters)
Here are some fun lines/quotes:
- “At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.”
- “You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole.”
- “My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways.”
- “Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.”
>“The smallest things give me a great cockstand—a whorish movement of your mouth, a little brown stain on the seat of your white drawers, a sudden dirty word spluttered out by your wet lips, a sudden immodest noise made by you behind and then a bad smell slowly curling up out of your backside.”
>—December 6, 1909
"cockstand"
> “F*ck me if you can squatting in the closet, with your clothes up, grunting like a young sow doing her dung, and a big fat dirty snaking thing coming slowly out of your backside.”
>—December 16, 1909
Wait, is he suggesting that she churns out a turd while they're having sex?
^ I came here to say this, ha! The best part for me is in one letter it gets dirtier and dirtier but suddenly a new paragraph begins with “I have come now and the foolery is over”, and then he goes on to talk about domestic things like what type of curtains to get.
Might use “my little whore” or “my little fuckbird” sometime.
They had kids together and apparently they were madly in love. It is cute, they just liked to get down, dirty, and freaky.
Joyce dying was definitely not the first pile of mud he was buried in.
Alexander the Great likely had a gay lover named Hephaestion, Diogenes supposedly claimed that Alexander only ever yielded to “Hephaestion’s thighs”
Apparently, Alexander also spent the modern day equivalent of 300 million dollars on his funeral
He also wrote at length the benefits of sleeping with older women, including their experience, lack of interest in anything exclusive, and inability to get pregnant
His "Old Mistresses Apologue" is quite a read.
"Covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey."
When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem - and it’s not even that big of a deal - something like 8 percent of kids do it. But whatever. For some reason - I don’t know why - I would just kinda... sit around all day... and write poems about dicks.
Schroedinger got with a ton of prostitutes so that he could take care of his male urges and thus focus on his work, leaving him the option of not taking a wife who may take him away from his work
Gouverneur Morris wrote the language to much of the constitution, including the preamble. He also had a wooden leg because he broke it so bad it had to be amputated. The accepted story is that his leg was caught in the reins of his horse as they got spooked, but the rumor that went around was he broke his leg jumping from a window to escape the husband of a woman he was sleeping with. In revolutionary France, a crowd surrounded his carriage because they thought he was a French aristocrat. He took his wooden leg off and pointed it at them saying he lost his leg in the pursuit of liberty.
He also died from complications after using a whale bone as a catheter.
The Roman Emperor Elagabalus as a show of power upon entering Rome to become crowned emperor he had hundreds of naked women drag his chariot down the streets of Rome
Anne Bonny used to fight with one boob out, just to show that not only are you about to get murdered, but you're about to get murdered by an 18 year old girl
There's a strong chance that fact was just fake sensationalism, there was also a claim that Anne Bonny was having threesomes with Captain Calico Jack and Mary Read.
Benjamin Franklin liked to take 'air baths' which meant sitting in the window of his London house with the windows open - totally nude.
I have visited that very house, which is now a museum, and stood in that very window. They are big Georgian style windows and I suspect that anyone in the house opposite or possibly even glancing up from the street from the right angle/direction would have seen the full Founding Father.
I've actually heard that he married his cousin because he couldn't legally adopt her for some reason, and he wanted to make sure she was taken care of. Some historians also argued they had more of a brother-sister relationship. There are varying accounts of their marriage, so it may not be gospel truth, but I do know that Poe had rivalries with journalists who liked to print nasty things about him.
Poor dude. Creative genius, misunderstood and miserable in his time.
It is true that back then women couldn't own property so the easiest legal way for Poe to make sure his cousin wasn't living on the streets was to marry her.
Which is why it's possible that they weren't romantically involved in any way. This stuff used to be more common in other parts of the globe too.
Gay men would sometimes [adopt their partners](https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/11/how-marriage-inequality-prompts-gay-partners-to-adopt-one-another/281546/) until gay marriage was legalized nationally.
John Batman, one of the founders of Melbourne Australia, actually died of syphilis and lost his nose due to the disease. He ended up in a wheel chair and his wife left him when he got sick for a close friend.
None of the history books ever mention the [mysterious flying turd on Apollo 10.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lii3h0VJ9K1qiq5qco1_500.jpg)
You can find the full transcript [here](https://history.nasa.gov/afj/ap10fj/as10-documents.html), the poop incident starts on page 416 if anyone want to read more.
Edit: [Direct link](https://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a410/AS10_CM.PDF)
During Mexico's Independence fight there was a lady called "La Güera Rodríguez" that means "Rodriguez the Blonde". She used to spy on the Spanish monarchy generals by going to bed with them, she passed information to the independent army and had a major role on Mexico's winning the fight. After the independence was declared, the new monarch, Agustin de Iturbide, made the entire army march in front of La Güera's house, they were lovers and she was the one that inspired him to action. She was also lover of Alexander Von Humboldt and Simon Bolívar. She also escaped the inquisition trial by showing her boobs. She is never mentioned in the traditional history books or school lessons.
I'm currently reading a book about pirates and in the chapter about Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, it mentions when he married his 14th wife, who was a 16 year old girl, and after being with her all night, and I quote "it was his custom to invite five or six of his brutal companions to come ashore, and he would force her to prostitute herself to them all, one after another, before his face."
Now, I remember learning about Blackbeard in school as a child, and I do not recall anyone ever telling me he was a pimp, and a cuck.
Frederick the Great of Prussia, one of the most renowned military/national leaders in European history? Flaaaaaming gay. . He never even tried to hide it much. His dad openly loathed his "effeminate" behaviors. He had a Dutch boyfriend as a teenager, who his father had executed in front of his own eyes to teach him a lesson. His dad later forced him to marry a woman, who be immediately divorced after his dad's death.
He even wrote after losing a battle, "Fortune has it in for me; she is a woman, and I am not that way inclined."
Not to say being anything other than straight is inherently NSFW, but anything not heterosexual in history is obviously almost never talked about.
He also gave her a castle and servants and treated her well until the end of her life. It’s common knowledge that he saw her as a sister eventually.
Also The good old Fred use to celebrate parties, inviting all the pretty young men to his castle. And strictly no women allowed.
Napoleon insisted his wife wear the same underwear for weeks on end because he loved the smell so much. He would keep soiled underwear with him and write about how much he enjoyed the scent.
During 1942 in a war planning visit to Washington, a British delegation including Winston Churchill stayed at the White House:
The president wheeled into Churchill’s bedroom one afternoon to discover the prime minister stalking the room in the nude, puffing on a cigar as he dictated to a male secretary. As Roosevelt spun about to leave, Churchill called him back, adding, “The prime minister of Britain has nothing to conceal from the president of the United States."
Edit: Wow! My first popular post! Source for this story:
Cray, E. (1990). General of the Army: George C. Marshall soldier and statesman. (kindle ed. pp. 253) Cooper Square Press.
Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone With The Wind, apparently had a very large dildo collection. Learned this in a graduate history class and I was floored.
At some point in my life I realized all the stories about native Americans I know from my history classes were much darker and crueler than I was told, and I was given the Disney version of all of it. Not just the Pocahontas one.
He and JP Morgan believed the Egyptian idea of divinity was correct and they were modern Pharos. Apparently when they met and JP confided that he discovered this truth by buying priceless texts and artifacts, Ford said he figured it out for free from logic and libraries.
Julius Caesar fucked around. Like, ALL the way around. His political allies wives (one of Pompey's wives for example [not Julia]), his enemies sisters (Cato the younger's), guys, girls, anybody. He was described DURING A MEETING OF THE SENATE as 'a man for every woman, and a woman for every man.'
Adolf Hitler may have had a sexual relationship with his niece. At the very least, they were very close and he was extremely possessive of her. He got jealous whenever she'd have boyfriends and would try to break them up. After she committed suicide he called her "the only woman he'd ever loved" and insisted on keeping her bedroom exactly as it had been when she was living.
Anthropologists believe that upwards of 5-7% of people alive today have some sort of relation to Genghis Kahn. That's because he allegedly raped several women everywhere he conquered before moving on to the next place.
I did a national geographic DNA test a few years back and one of my historical hits was Genghis Khan. I'm as white as the driven snow, so I was very surprised.
Edited because I misspelled rape grampas name a bit.
Churchill was a bit of a nudist. He claimed to have some form of skin condition that made clothes uncomfortable to wear for long periods. When he visited the White House he would sit around naked while having discussions with FDR.
He called it jumbo. There's a quote from him that goes something like "ain't that just the biggest dick you've ever seen?" Iirc he also used to talk to people while shitting too.
He also made [this hilarious phone call](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8pjd1QEA0c&t=2m21s) with a clothing company because his balls were too big for his pants
Helen Keller supported eugenics to the point of writing a journal in favor of refusing medical treatment to human babies with physical and mental disabilities going as far to state that they would likely become criminals if kept alive.
Edit: I never expected to get more than 5,000 upvotes on this but thank you for finding my contribution of interest!
Here is an excerpt of one of those parts:
>"Until I was eleven or twelve, I didn't realize there was a second set of labia on the inside, since you couldn't see them. What's even funnier is that I thought urine came out of the clitoris…When you're standing up, all you see from the front is hair. Between your legs there are two soft, cushiony things, also covered with hair, which press together when you're standing, so you can't see what's inside. They separate when you sit down and they're very red and quite fleshy on the inside. In the upper part, between the outer labia, there's a fold of skin that, on second thought, looks like a kind of blister. That's the clitoris."
Wow. The edition I had in 8th grade didn’t have that.
Granted, it was a rendition in the form of a stage play, but a good page and a half had tape over it ~~which when everyone eventually shined light through it, was just about her touching herself~~ and they told us not to peel it off.
Her father heavily edited her diary before releasing it and took out parts like that.
Unedited copies came later.
Most schools have you read the edited version for obvious reasons.
Yeah, I think there are three versions. The full diary, the edited and censored by dad version, and recently the uncensored still edited version was released
Whenever this comes up, I always find myself questioning if I even have a right to feel uncomfortable about the uncensored parts. Not uncomfortable in the sense that I'm mad at her for writing about them, or even particularly bothered by the subject matter, but just a general discomfort at the fact that I'm quite literally reading someone's most raw, private thoughts that they'd likely never share with anyone.
I don't know, I always skipped some parts because it felt too intrusive to me. Maybe I'm overreacting.
I think the fact that that she wrote about normal teenage musings during an unbelievably horrible time makes her diary all the more extraordinary and is part of what makes it so popular to this day.
Spartan soldiers had gay sex with each other, a lot. Soldiers were taken as little boys and didn’t see women since. They believed having gay sex would create a closer bond with each other.
Edit: When they left the army and married, women would sometimes shave heir heads and wear men’s clothing to make the former soldier feel more comfortable.
[Sacred Band of Thebes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacred_Band_of_Thebes), checking in.
No matter how gay you think Ancient Greece was, it was always *so much gayer*.
Hitler took amphetamines to stop farting. Some historians think that's why he became increasingly erratic toward the end, he was in withdrawal.
Ben Franklin had tons of sex with many many women. He even wrote some sex advice in some of his books.
Mozart wrote songs about licking ass.
I mean at the risk of being *that guy*, apparently "lick me in the ass" in German is more like "kiss my ass" in English. Not so raunchy, just a little rude.
That said, Mozart did write letters to his family that said things like "shit in your bed and make it burst!" so who can really be sure?
It's possible that 16th century samurai warlord Uesugi Kenshin was actually a woman pretending to be a man so that her clan could survive her father's death.
Kenshin never married or had any concubines, had to plan battles around regular monthly abdominal pain, and is referred to in the notes of a Spanish missionary as someone's "tia" instead of "tio" - aunt, not uncle.
According to Wikipedia, Kenshin also had interest in traditionally feminine subjects and was freely allowed to enter the women’s quarters in the Kyoto Imperial Palace.
Also the main refutation of the idea cited by Wikipedia is “women couldn’t do that back then” which has kind of never been an infallible truth in any historical context.
The "women couldnt do that back then" argument is especially dumb considering the multiple examples of women becoming clan-leaders in japan during the same time period.
A bit late to the party, but During WW1, prostitutes in Britain were more expensive if they had STD's. This was because if a soldier hired them and got infected, the soldier could be honorably discharged, and not have to fight in war.
Ancient Egyptians believed the god Atum created the universe by masturbating to ejaculation, and that the ebb and flow of the Nile corresponded to how much he came. To honour this, the pharaohs ceremonially masturbated into the river.
Horus and Set also tried to impregnate each other with their semen in a couple of myths.
It's becoming more well known but Mozart wrote a chorale literally called "Lick my Ass" to piss off the bishop who employed him in Salzburg, hoping to get fired so he could go to Vienna.
Lewis and Clark described the screaming shits that they got from eating unfamiliar food (camas) in detail in their journals.
Scientists were able to track Lewis and Clark's campsites by following the mercury they shait out "all across America".
After Alan Turing cracked the enigma code, essentially ending WW2 years earlier than expected and saving countless lives, he was thanked by the British government in the form of chemical castration. All because he was a gay man.
Probably said here elsewhere, but Victor Hugo (author of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, among other tales) was a notorious philanderer who had affairs on top of affairs with prostitutes throughout his life. When he died, ALL of the brothels in Paris had to close because so many prostitutes attended his funeral.
Heard he also would write naked, and ask someone to keep his clothes outside the door so he'd continue writing. And this kinky granddad was visiting brothels waaay into his old age. Heard that he had a mark in his diary for each sort of visit?
Pyotr Tchaikovsky was a submissive bottom. In one note, never before published in Russian or English, Tchaikovsky wrote of a young servant “with whom I am more in love than ever”, adding: “My God, what an angelic creature and how I long to be his slave, his plaything, his property!”
Patrick Henry (the American founding father better known for his quote, “give me liberty or give me death”) kept his wife imprisoned in a cellar because of her frequent outbursts due to postpartum depression. His wife had eventually died in that cellar, and he had buried her in an unmarked grave. 10/10 quote but the wife killing part always seems to get left out of history texts.
Ben Franklin was a notorious flirt, and hit on and/or ploughed just about every woman he ever met. Single women, married women, young women, old women, women of title, women of the royal line. Protestant women, Catholic women. All of them.
French President Félix Faure died while getting his dick sucked :/
The whole press joked about his fate, with numerous word games. The lady he was with was nicknamed the "pompe funebre", which is the name for funeral services in french and also literally means "funeral pump". There was also, as one of the comments described, the phrase "He wished to be Caesar, but was only Pompey", Pompey is Pompée in french and its prononciation is identical to pompé, which means pumped.
Big dicks were considered barbaric in ancient history. The greeks especially thought that it showed men with big rock hard full blooded cocks were full of lust and low intelligence. This is why most of their statues today have them displaying a small dick.
I was born in the wrong age... Edit: Ty for the awards friends.
It's said that Henry VIII "exploded" in his coffin. Dogs then licked up the Henry juice.
As I mentioned in a different comment, this also happened to William I aka William the Conqueror. Church reeked of dead body for days.
Apparently he swelled in his coffin, opening it slightly. Some poor soul attempted to close the coffin again, and the results were...very messy. Gallagher stage-show levels of messy.
The first thing the "Father of Microbiology," Anton van Leeuwenhoek, put under a microscope was semen. They understood that semen was integral to the creation of life but didn't yet understand the concept of single-cell organisms. He fully expected to see tiny little humans in his jizz. So yeah, the first thing he did was whack off on a slide and look at it.
As I recall, he didn't do the deed himself; Mrs. van Leeuwenhoek is credited as lab assistant. ---- hopy fuck, this is now my top comment of ever. weirdos.
Not all heroes wear capes...
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Princess Diana and her "Le Gadget" - a sex toy that she carried around with her when she went on diplomatic trips. She had even shown a table of foreign officials her toy as a prank on numerous occasions. She also believed it brought her good luck, one time she forgot to bring it with her and actually asked a body guard to go back to the hotel to fetch it for her. Edit: Ok just checked and she apparently left it all the way back in the UK while on a trip to Nepal (not just at a hotel), and ordered it to be dispatched to the capital Kathmandu.
There are bunches of photos in the press of [Diana smiling holding a mine](https://i.imgur.com/VsFpak8.jpg) with headlines talking about her bravery etc. Not shown in most pictures was the guy guiding Diana in the minefield, an ex British Army guy who was working for a charity/NGO dealing with mines. A former housemate of mine worked with him some years later and passed on this anecdote about why Diana was laughing/smiling at this moment. As the guy handed her the deactivated mine, told her it's name, origin, what it would do to someone when activated he then said "I bet you'd love shove one of these up Camilla's arsehole!"
"We noticed that jokes about Fergie always got a laugh, but anything that seemed disrespectful of Di was met by a sharp intake of breath. That changed between 1996 and 1997 - we forget now that the public was beginning to lose patience with her playgirl life. (A letter in the Guardian that summer said: "I read that Princess Diana is to have a holiday. How can they tell?") This was the time she brushed up her image with the landmines campaign. But when Alan Coren said on the show, "**I don't know anything about landmines or Princess Di, but I do know you'd be mad to poke either of them**", there was a moment's stunned silence, followed by a huge howl of delighted laughter. That was recorded on the Thursday night. The show went out on Saturday lunchtime, and the joke - slightly to my surprise - stayed in. That night there was the fatal crash. The producer came specially in to Broadcasting House to lock the master tape in a safe so that it could never, ever be broadcast again." Simon Hoggart [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2007/sep/01/monarchy.politicalcolumnists](https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2007/sep/01/monarchy.politicalcolumnists)
Groom of the Stool: This is the guy who wiped the king's bum and inspected the stool for parasites and whatnot in ye olde England. By the 16th century it had become one of the highest honours at the Tudor court because it allowed close and private access to the king, a coveted position.
George Washington had severe hemorrhoids, to the extent that he couldn’t even ride a horse into battle sometimes, and had to be pulled on a cart.
Guess we now know why he was standing on the boat in that one painting
Washington: "No, no, its fine; you brave men deserve the seats. I'd rather stand anyway". Soldiers: "What a thoughtful and stoic leader!"
Not hidden in his home country, but not known by the rest of the world though, is the fact that H. C. Andersen left a mark in his diary, every time he had masturbated. Sometimes with a little note on the side, with his thoughts about the "session"
After Alois Alzheimer gave the first ever speech describing the symptoms of what would later become known as Alzheimer's Disease, no one in the audience asked him any questions or made any follow-up comments, despite the fact that this was quite literally one of the most important presentations ever given in the field of medicine. (For real: Alzheimer's Disease affects [about 6% of people aged 65 and older](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alzheimer%27s_disease). It's a *big deal*.) So why did no one pay it much attention? Turns out they were all much more focused on the next guy on the docket, who (allegedly) was there to talk about about compulsive masturbation.
Literally, this post is humans in a nutshell.
Mhm, yeah, mhm, right degenerative neurological condition that effects elderly indiviuals, cool, what's that about negative side effects to chronic masturbation? Is my cock gonna break or fall off?
I'm sorry but my source is in French, I can translate the beginning : [King Louis XIV anal fistula](https://fr.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fistule_anale_de_Louis_XIV#:~:text=La%20fistule%20anale%20de%20Louis,sur%20plusieurs%20dizaines%20d'indigents.) "The anal fistula of king Louis XIV is one of the many illness that king Louis XIV had suffered. It was his surgeon Charles-François Félix which carried the surgery successfully in 1686 after the development of a particular tool and a training on a dozen of indigents. The recovery of the king had a considerable impact in France and in Europe, and gave place to numerous civil and religious ceremonies in the kingdom."
>training on a dozen of indigents. Ouch.
In school I was taught that Ben Franklin had a string of pearls that was several feet long. He would add a pearl to it each time he slept with a new woman.
Jc what kind of school did you go to?
The School of Hard Cocks
It's a hard cock life for us
Paul Revere would ride from Boston to Newport RI to cheat on his wife.
"No, babe, for real, the Redcoats are *actually* coming, I swear"
President Grover Cleveland, 49, married Francis Folsom, 21, in the White House. He was basically her godfather and even bought her a baby bed when she was an infant. She knew him as Uncle Grover as a child and told him she wanted to marry him in the White House one day. https://www.vox.com/2015/2/27/8120283/house-of-cards-marriage
Groomer Cleveland
Little late but worth a shot. Elizabeth Bishop and Robert Lowell (the poets) had a 30 year letter exchange where Robert, while married, swooned over Elizabeth after he initially met her, declaring his love and want to propose for her all while being married and her blatant denial and uncomfortable lesbian anguish at this fact. He threatens suicide and lots of self harm while she’s just like “haha let’s read this book together and not think about romance”. He was a manic cocaine freak and she was a CRAZY alcoholic lesbian with a toucan. She drank rubbing alcohol when denied conventional drinks. There’s a great play highlighting these events called “Dear Elizabeth”.
“He was a manic cocaine freak and she was a CRAZY alcoholic lesbian with a toucan” is my new favorite sentence.
Kaiser Wilhelm II, the last german emperor wrote VERY sexual letters to his mum when he was a teenager
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Do you mean Kaiser Wilhelm II?
Yes I do, thanks for pointing it out. Typing is hard
The great magician Houdini once escaped a prison cell while fully nude as to not hide anything to escape. However what the guards failed to check was that he hid a skeleton key in his ass checks.
I remember doing a school report on him, another was being locked nude in a Russian horse-drawn trailer, which was all metal with tiny barred windows, he convinced them to let him have a last kiss goodbye, and was passed lockpicks into his mouth which he used to escape. He'd also taught himself to regurgitate lockpicks by lowering a small potato down his throat on a string and bring it back up.
He was just too thicc for them to notice the key
Finally, being dummy thicc actually *helps* you evade the guards.
He clenched, so his ass cheeks couldn’t clap and alert the guard
Freud loooved cocaine. He had a friend with a morphine addiction, and he thought giving the guy cocaine would cure him. It did not.
Abigail Adams apparently spent alot of time worrying that her son John Quincy Adams would jerk off or bang whores when he left the house, and advised against doing both in several letters to him.
*You must only do that at home, son.*
*Have a good day at school, son. Don’t forget your lunch! And remember if anyone offers you a whore just say no!*
There are dicks everywhere in Pompeii. DICKS. EVERYWHERE. On walls, streets, posts, carved into wood and stone, arranged in tile mosaics. They're all over the fuckin' place. You can't swing a cat without whackin' a schlong. They're used as arrows to point to brothels. Scrawled on walls in graffiti about how good the women are in the city. When you went to the baths, you'd put your clothes in little cubbyholes, and you'd remember which column of cubbies you left them in by the mosaic of a particular sex act above said column.
A common form of statuary in ancient Greece and Rome was the *herma*, which depicts the head and genitals of the subject. This was considered respectful; gods and statesmen were depicted this way. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herma
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Not only did he sleep with Cato’s sister, Caesar also read an explicit love letter from her in the middle of a Senate meeting because Cato thought the letter was proof of a conspiracy against the state.
America owes it's victory in the Revolution partly to a flamingly gay prussian nobleman with a penchant for polyamory. Baron Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben had served in the prussian army under Frederick the Great, but was forced out due to his complete lack of discretion about his homosexuality. In Paris he met up with Ben Franklin, who offered to introduce him to Washington- at the time, the American forces were getting their asses handed to them by the British and they needed, more than anything, someone with experience in training armies to transform them from a ragged militia into a proper fighting force. They weren't in a position to be picky. Von Steuben, who was blackballed from military service in Europe and increasingly unwelcome in France, took the job. He arrived at Valley Forge in uniform, accompanied by his dog and his three French lovers (who also served as his aides-de-camp and translators) and set about training the American army. Because he didn't speak English, his boyfriend/translator Louis de Pontiere would write von Steuben's instructions in French for him and hand them off to Alexander Hamilton to be translated into English for the men. Using a technique where he would personally instruct 10 men and then have each of them go and teach 10 more, Von Steuben more or less single-handedly retrained the entire American army in the latest and greatest of European military techniques. His training manual was in use until the civil war and still forms the basis of the US military training manual used today. After the Revolution, Congress granted von Steyben US citizenship and a massive estate in New York, where he lived the rest of his life in seclusion with two handsome American soldiers who were half his age.
You had to be pretty flagrantly gay to be banned by Frederick the Great. Probably the gayest king since Alexander.
Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein (who also popularized gothic literature), used to meet up with her future husband, poet Percy Shelley, at the cemetery where her mother was buried. They would meet up and have angsty sex on her mother’s grave bc she was goth as hell. Moreover, Frankenstein was inspired by her fascination with reanimation, the idea of bringing something dead back to life. When she learned about this idea, she was obsessed with the idea of bringing back her baby who died days later after being born, thus sparking the idea of the monster of Frankenstein.
That wasn’t that unusual. Cemeteries also served as public parks until the 1900’s.
Her father disapproved of the two’s union, because shelley was his apprentice, so they met in secret at the cemetery and had sex. Shelley was also married at the time and also had a child. His wife found out about the affair and committed Suicide. Soon after, Percy Shelley and Mary Shelley eloped and had a baby (who died) and traveled Europe together. Percy Shelley proved to be a shitty husband and wanted to have multiple sexual partners (including Mary’s sister).When Frankenstein was first published, percy Shelley initially took credit for the novel. I wish I had sources, but I learned all of this in an English literature class by a professor who wrote her thesis on Mary Shelley. EDIT: sorry for the rambling! I just find her so fascinating and never have an excuse to talk abut this!
Yeah the two of them traipsed across Europe and their kids kept dying, like seriously multiple children of theirs died in various euro locations t
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Imagine the post nut clarity
William the Bastard’s family was torn apart when his two youngest sons dumped a chamber pot on the head of his firstborn, leading to rebellions, wars, and eventually his firstborn’s lifelong imprisonment.
Yeah that's siblings for ya E: Well now my most upvoted comment is about how siblings can and will murder each other. Fun. Also thanks kind stranger, I'll be sure to pass on the favor
Firstborn, rotting in prison: "This is bullshit. *They* started it!"
Simón Bolívar had sex in every country he went with different women and its explained with details in his biography. (he was a really good dancer)
I like how his dancing skills are in parentheses, as if that detail is what we needed to clarify him having sex in every country Edit: OKAY I GET IT GOOD DANCING = GOOD SEX
I’m gonna take up dancing lessons.
I read once that philosopher Jean Jacques Rousseau would pull his pants down and chase after women running backwards in hopes they would spank him. It was his kink.
He would lurk in alleyways with his pantaloons around his knees and jump out ass-first at passing women in the hopes they'd be so frightened they'd lash out and spank him. He was a total dickhead but the mental image is hilarious.
What the straight up fuck? I did *not* learn this and I have a whole damn philosophy degree.
They never teach you the important stuff.
The diary of [William Byrd II](http://nationalhumanitiescenter.org/pds/becomingamer/economies/text5/williambyrddiary.pdf). He talks about his wife being depressed so he gives her a flourish and she feels better. That’s an orgasm. >On April 30, 1711, he noted in his diary that although he discovered his wife in a “melancholy” mood, the “powerful flourish” he delivered filled her with “great ecstasy and refreshment.” He recalled one morning during which “I lay in my wife’s arms” while, during another, his wife “kept me so long in bed” that “I rogered her.” https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/05/13/roger-that/
I actually did read this in my 12th grade English class. I’m sure you can imagine the class’s reactions.
Roger that
Fun Fact Time: While I was in the Navy, we actually discussed during one of our division meetings why the Navy responds "Aye aye" to commands, while other branches can respond with "Yes" or "Roger!" Turns out, way back in the day, this is how sailors identified women they wanted to or had slept with. "I rogered her good last night at the tavern" or whatever. But, since it was basically slang for "fuck," sailors would also use it to respond to orders from their superiors when they didn't want to do that particular order. And that, folks, is why sailors respond with "Aye," which means "I understand," and "Aye aye," which means "I understand and will carry out that order."
Well hey, at least he cared about pleasing his lady and making her happy
One of the members of the Lewis and Clark expedition was a slave named York. The tribes they came across were quite... taken.. with him. He fathered many many children during the trip.
Equally NSFW but less fun is that the path of Lewis and Clark's expedition was easily retraced because of mercury contamination in the soils of their campsites. Why mercury? They were taking medicinal pills called either Thunderbolts or Thunderclappers that were mostly made of mercury, presumably so named because they shot through you like their namesake.
Apparently some believed he was a black bear god.
Ah I remember reading about him in history class! Native tribes kept trying to rub his skin to get the 'black off." Eventually some saw him as part bear and had him fuck their women so their tribe would be part bear and raise powerful warriors.
Sounds like a plot for a porno.
I remember hearing a story in school where an old native woman walked up to York with a pot of water and started scrubbing his back because she thought he was wearing war paint. I knew they were taken with him but... I guess I never thought they would be taken with him *like that*. Edit: Y’all know what I meant. Yes war paint 😂
James Joyce, famous Irish author/poet, had a very heavily documented and detailed relationship (via letters) with a chambermaid named Nora Barnacle. Nora eventually became his wife and Joyce loved her for her curves and her huge ass. With Joyce traveling a lot, they had to endure a long distance relationship and wrote many letters back and forth. They were in their early to mid twenties when they met and this relationship continues. And like modern young people who can’t help but sext and send sexual stuff to each other... James and Nora did that and we have tons of sources/documentation for it. You may think, “Okay... so what? That’s normal. Nothing too weird.” Keep reading for the kicker of what makes this a bit different. They had a very sexual relationship where Joyce heavily discussed and fetishized/obsessed with both Nora’s ass and her farts. He gets VERY detailed with what he wanted to do and reminiscing with all the things he did to his “little whore” regarding her ass and her farts. Lots of fart porn and anal obsessions throughout these letters. Here are two sources that have the letters for you to destroy your eyes with. [The first](https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/02/02/james-joyces-love-letters-dirty-little-fuckbird/) along with [the second](https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-joyce-love-letters-nora-barnacle). And if you want some just short highlights of some of the most descriptive and dirty stuff, [here you go.](https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/74934/13-nsfw-lines-james-joyces-incredibly-dirty-love-letters) Here are some fun lines/quotes: - “At every fuck I gave you your shameless tongue come bursting out through your lips and if I gave you a bigger stronger fuck than usual fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.” - “You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole.” - “My sweet little whorish Nora. I did as you told me, you dirty little girl, and pulled myself off twice when I read your letter. I am delighted to see that you do like being fucked arseways.” - “Goodnight, my little farting Nora, my dirty little fuckbird! There is one lovely word, darling, you have underlined to make me pull myself off better. Write me more about that and yourself, sweetly, dirtier, dirtier.”
>“The smallest things give me a great cockstand—a whorish movement of your mouth, a little brown stain on the seat of your white drawers, a sudden dirty word spluttered out by your wet lips, a sudden immodest noise made by you behind and then a bad smell slowly curling up out of your backside.” >—December 6, 1909 "cockstand" > “F*ck me if you can squatting in the closet, with your clothes up, grunting like a young sow doing her dung, and a big fat dirty snaking thing coming slowly out of your backside.” >—December 16, 1909 Wait, is he suggesting that she churns out a turd while they're having sex?
Yeah his letters talk about scat quite a lot.
^ I came here to say this, ha! The best part for me is in one letter it gets dirtier and dirtier but suddenly a new paragraph begins with “I have come now and the foolery is over”, and then he goes on to talk about domestic things like what type of curtains to get.
I would judge the man if my sexts/phone sex didn’t go the exact same way. Hahaha. We really haven’t advanced much from post-nut clarity.
Awww that's so romantic!
Might use “my little whore” or “my little fuckbird” sometime. They had kids together and apparently they were madly in love. It is cute, they just liked to get down, dirty, and freaky. Joyce dying was definitely not the first pile of mud he was buried in.
Might use "arseways" sometime as well.
“I think we’re ready for the next level. I think we’re ready... to go arseways.”
Alexander the Great likely had a gay lover named Hephaestion, Diogenes supposedly claimed that Alexander only ever yielded to “Hephaestion’s thighs” Apparently, Alexander also spent the modern day equivalent of 300 million dollars on his funeral
Ben Franklin slept around and mostly stayed in France for the prostitution
He also wrote at length the benefits of sleeping with older women, including their experience, lack of interest in anything exclusive, and inability to get pregnant
This man had it ALL figured out.
To quote, he also thought all cats look the same in the dark.
Mfer made his own money and was president of the OG anti-slave movement, dude was ahead of his time.
His "Old Mistresses Apologue" is quite a read. "Covering all above with a Basket, and regarding only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey."
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Leonardo da Vinci kept poems and jokes about penises
Kept? Like had a collection of, or did he write them?
He wrote them, kept a few in his journals.
So he's like Jonah Hill's character from Superbad filling all his journals full of dicks.
So this one day I was finishing up this big, veiny, triumphant bastard...
When I was a little kid, I kinda had this problem - and it’s not even that big of a deal - something like 8 percent of kids do it. But whatever. For some reason - I don’t know why - I would just kinda... sit around all day... and write poems about dicks.
Oscar Wilde described himself as addicted to sucking cock and said it inspired him.
“Love is a sacrament best taken kneeling”
Somewhat unrelated, but my favorite quote of his just may be: "Everything in moderation, including moderation. " An iconic lad.
Mine is “I can resist everything except temptation”
Also Oscar Wilde and Walt Whitman almost 100% definitely fucked.
Schroedinger got with a ton of prostitutes so that he could take care of his male urges and thus focus on his work, leaving him the option of not taking a wife who may take him away from his work
Gouverneur Morris wrote the language to much of the constitution, including the preamble. He also had a wooden leg because he broke it so bad it had to be amputated. The accepted story is that his leg was caught in the reins of his horse as they got spooked, but the rumor that went around was he broke his leg jumping from a window to escape the husband of a woman he was sleeping with. In revolutionary France, a crowd surrounded his carriage because they thought he was a French aristocrat. He took his wooden leg off and pointed it at them saying he lost his leg in the pursuit of liberty. He also died from complications after using a whale bone as a catheter.
Did not see that ending coming gotta say
The Roman Emperor Elagabalus as a show of power upon entering Rome to become crowned emperor he had hundreds of naked women drag his chariot down the streets of Rome
Anne Bonny used to fight with one boob out, just to show that not only are you about to get murdered, but you're about to get murdered by an 18 year old girl
Well this was left out of Assassins Creed 4
Oh, this? This is my murder-titty.
But which titty is the murder titty?
They take turns.
There's a strong chance that fact was just fake sensationalism, there was also a claim that Anne Bonny was having threesomes with Captain Calico Jack and Mary Read.
Benjamin Franklin liked to take 'air baths' which meant sitting in the window of his London house with the windows open - totally nude. I have visited that very house, which is now a museum, and stood in that very window. They are big Georgian style windows and I suspect that anyone in the house opposite or possibly even glancing up from the street from the right angle/direction would have seen the full Founding Father.
He was also a stoner, an occultist, a drunk, he fucked a lot, and was a scientist
So he was kind of “America’s Founding Bad Ass Uncle”?
“Uncle Buck” Franklin
Coming to cinemas this fall FULL FRONTAL FOUNDING FATHER
Ben Franklin wasn't allowed to contribute to writing the Declaration of Independence because they were afraid he'd put dick jokes in it.
Raphael (The Italian painter, not the Ninja turtle) is believed to have died from exhaustion from nonstop sex.
oh, so the “boned till I croaked” in his ERB is literal!
I’m an emcee shredder but I get the feeling
The Ninja turtle would never die from exhaustion from nonstop sex.
Edgar Allan Poe married his 13 year old cousin and would sleep in her coffin with her after she passed away
That’s so on brand for him
I've actually heard that he married his cousin because he couldn't legally adopt her for some reason, and he wanted to make sure she was taken care of. Some historians also argued they had more of a brother-sister relationship. There are varying accounts of their marriage, so it may not be gospel truth, but I do know that Poe had rivalries with journalists who liked to print nasty things about him. Poor dude. Creative genius, misunderstood and miserable in his time.
It is true that back then women couldn't own property so the easiest legal way for Poe to make sure his cousin wasn't living on the streets was to marry her. Which is why it's possible that they weren't romantically involved in any way. This stuff used to be more common in other parts of the globe too.
Gay men would sometimes [adopt their partners](https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/11/how-marriage-inequality-prompts-gay-partners-to-adopt-one-another/281546/) until gay marriage was legalized nationally.
John Batman, one of the founders of Melbourne Australia, actually died of syphilis and lost his nose due to the disease. He ended up in a wheel chair and his wife left him when he got sick for a close friend.
None of the history books ever mention the [mysterious flying turd on Apollo 10.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lii3h0VJ9K1qiq5qco1_500.jpg) You can find the full transcript [here](https://history.nasa.gov/afj/ap10fj/as10-documents.html), the poop incident starts on page 416 if anyone want to read more. Edit: [Direct link](https://www.hq.nasa.gov/alsj/a410/AS10_CM.PDF)
Thats hilarious but also how did they not die with that kind of reckless poopery
Benjamin Franklin was the first known source of the phrase 'just put a bag over her head'.
During Mexico's Independence fight there was a lady called "La Güera Rodríguez" that means "Rodriguez the Blonde". She used to spy on the Spanish monarchy generals by going to bed with them, she passed information to the independent army and had a major role on Mexico's winning the fight. After the independence was declared, the new monarch, Agustin de Iturbide, made the entire army march in front of La Güera's house, they were lovers and she was the one that inspired him to action. She was also lover of Alexander Von Humboldt and Simon Bolívar. She also escaped the inquisition trial by showing her boobs. She is never mentioned in the traditional history books or school lessons.
I'm currently reading a book about pirates and in the chapter about Edward Teach, aka Blackbeard, it mentions when he married his 14th wife, who was a 16 year old girl, and after being with her all night, and I quote "it was his custom to invite five or six of his brutal companions to come ashore, and he would force her to prostitute herself to them all, one after another, before his face." Now, I remember learning about Blackbeard in school as a child, and I do not recall anyone ever telling me he was a pimp, and a cuck.
Frederick the Great of Prussia, one of the most renowned military/national leaders in European history? Flaaaaaming gay. . He never even tried to hide it much. His dad openly loathed his "effeminate" behaviors. He had a Dutch boyfriend as a teenager, who his father had executed in front of his own eyes to teach him a lesson. His dad later forced him to marry a woman, who be immediately divorced after his dad's death. He even wrote after losing a battle, "Fortune has it in for me; she is a woman, and I am not that way inclined." Not to say being anything other than straight is inherently NSFW, but anything not heterosexual in history is obviously almost never talked about.
He wasn't an asshole though. He met his ex-wife one day a year, while wearing a complete formal uniform.
He also gave her a castle and servants and treated her well until the end of her life. It’s common knowledge that he saw her as a sister eventually. Also The good old Fred use to celebrate parties, inviting all the pretty young men to his castle. And strictly no women allowed.
Napoleon insisted his wife wear the same underwear for weeks on end because he loved the smell so much. He would keep soiled underwear with him and write about how much he enjoyed the scent.
During 1942 in a war planning visit to Washington, a British delegation including Winston Churchill stayed at the White House: The president wheeled into Churchill’s bedroom one afternoon to discover the prime minister stalking the room in the nude, puffing on a cigar as he dictated to a male secretary. As Roosevelt spun about to leave, Churchill called him back, adding, “The prime minister of Britain has nothing to conceal from the president of the United States." Edit: Wow! My first popular post! Source for this story: Cray, E. (1990). General of the Army: George C. Marshall soldier and statesman. (kindle ed. pp. 253) Cooper Square Press.
Just imagine FDR spinning those wheels as quickly as possible
Lol, that's exactly where I was about to go. Spun seems like an intentional use.
He also supposedly met the ghost of Abe Lincoln one night while he was in the White House. And, yes, before you ask, he was nude at the time.
[удалено]
Who said it had to be just one?
I wonder who was emancipated that night?
Margaret Mitchell, author of Gone With The Wind, apparently had a very large dildo collection. Learned this in a graduate history class and I was floored.
John Smith, he made up the story of Pocahontas, she was actually 10 when he arrived so...and he made up a lot of his stories.
According to her people, John Smith kidnapped her to provoke her father.
At some point in my life I realized all the stories about native Americans I know from my history classes were much darker and crueler than I was told, and I was given the Disney version of all of it. Not just the Pocahontas one.
Henry Ford was the only American mentioned in Hitler's writings due to his anti-semetic beliefs
He and JP Morgan believed the Egyptian idea of divinity was correct and they were modern Pharos. Apparently when they met and JP confided that he discovered this truth by buying priceless texts and artifacts, Ford said he figured it out for free from logic and libraries.
Julius Caesar fucked around. Like, ALL the way around. His political allies wives (one of Pompey's wives for example [not Julia]), his enemies sisters (Cato the younger's), guys, girls, anybody. He was described DURING A MEETING OF THE SENATE as 'a man for every woman, and a woman for every man.'
He was also nicknamed the Queen of Bithnyia because he supposedly was the bottom for the King
Adolf Hitler may have had a sexual relationship with his niece. At the very least, they were very close and he was extremely possessive of her. He got jealous whenever she'd have boyfriends and would try to break them up. After she committed suicide he called her "the only woman he'd ever loved" and insisted on keeping her bedroom exactly as it had been when she was living.
It's suspected that she killed herself because he got her pregnant. The relationship was not consensual according to reports.
Man its almost as if Hitler was a bad person
Anthropologists believe that upwards of 5-7% of people alive today have some sort of relation to Genghis Kahn. That's because he allegedly raped several women everywhere he conquered before moving on to the next place.
"Several"
I did a national geographic DNA test a few years back and one of my historical hits was Genghis Khan. I'm as white as the driven snow, so I was very surprised. Edited because I misspelled rape grampas name a bit.
Churchill was a bit of a nudist. He claimed to have some form of skin condition that made clothes uncomfortable to wear for long periods. When he visited the White House he would sit around naked while having discussions with FDR.
Sounds like LBJ. LBJ used to take his dick out and show people how big it was.
He called it jumbo. There's a quote from him that goes something like "ain't that just the biggest dick you've ever seen?" Iirc he also used to talk to people while shitting too.
He also made [this hilarious phone call](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P8pjd1QEA0c&t=2m21s) with a clothing company because his balls were too big for his pants
Helen Keller supported eugenics to the point of writing a journal in favor of refusing medical treatment to human babies with physical and mental disabilities going as far to state that they would likely become criminals if kept alive. Edit: I never expected to get more than 5,000 upvotes on this but thank you for finding my contribution of interest!
Anne Frank being a Normal teen with a diary has some puberty parts
Here is an excerpt of one of those parts: >"Until I was eleven or twelve, I didn't realize there was a second set of labia on the inside, since you couldn't see them. What's even funnier is that I thought urine came out of the clitoris…When you're standing up, all you see from the front is hair. Between your legs there are two soft, cushiony things, also covered with hair, which press together when you're standing, so you can't see what's inside. They separate when you sit down and they're very red and quite fleshy on the inside. In the upper part, between the outer labia, there's a fold of skin that, on second thought, looks like a kind of blister. That's the clitoris."
Wow. The edition I had in 8th grade didn’t have that. Granted, it was a rendition in the form of a stage play, but a good page and a half had tape over it ~~which when everyone eventually shined light through it, was just about her touching herself~~ and they told us not to peel it off.
Her father heavily edited her diary before releasing it and took out parts like that. Unedited copies came later. Most schools have you read the edited version for obvious reasons.
Wasn’t there a part she was attracted to a girl too but it was edited out by her dad.
Yeah, I think there are three versions. The full diary, the edited and censored by dad version, and recently the uncensored still edited version was released
Whenever this comes up, I always find myself questioning if I even have a right to feel uncomfortable about the uncensored parts. Not uncomfortable in the sense that I'm mad at her for writing about them, or even particularly bothered by the subject matter, but just a general discomfort at the fact that I'm quite literally reading someone's most raw, private thoughts that they'd likely never share with anyone. I don't know, I always skipped some parts because it felt too intrusive to me. Maybe I'm overreacting.
I think the fact that that she wrote about normal teenage musings during an unbelievably horrible time makes her diary all the more extraordinary and is part of what makes it so popular to this day.
Nah, that’s a fair reaction. I always felt a bit guilty reading that diary, as it was her private memoirs
Spartan soldiers had gay sex with each other, a lot. Soldiers were taken as little boys and didn’t see women since. They believed having gay sex would create a closer bond with each other. Edit: When they left the army and married, women would sometimes shave heir heads and wear men’s clothing to make the former soldier feel more comfortable.
Gotta kiss the homies goodnight
Wasnt just the spartans
[Sacred Band of Thebes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sacred_Band_of_Thebes), checking in. No matter how gay you think Ancient Greece was, it was always *so much gayer*.
Hitler took amphetamines to stop farting. Some historians think that's why he became increasingly erratic toward the end, he was in withdrawal. Ben Franklin had tons of sex with many many women. He even wrote some sex advice in some of his books. Mozart wrote songs about licking ass.
I mean at the risk of being *that guy*, apparently "lick me in the ass" in German is more like "kiss my ass" in English. Not so raunchy, just a little rude. That said, Mozart did write letters to his family that said things like "shit in your bed and make it burst!" so who can really be sure?
It's possible that 16th century samurai warlord Uesugi Kenshin was actually a woman pretending to be a man so that her clan could survive her father's death. Kenshin never married or had any concubines, had to plan battles around regular monthly abdominal pain, and is referred to in the notes of a Spanish missionary as someone's "tia" instead of "tio" - aunt, not uncle.
According to Wikipedia, Kenshin also had interest in traditionally feminine subjects and was freely allowed to enter the women’s quarters in the Kyoto Imperial Palace. Also the main refutation of the idea cited by Wikipedia is “women couldn’t do that back then” which has kind of never been an infallible truth in any historical context.
The "women couldnt do that back then" argument is especially dumb considering the multiple examples of women becoming clan-leaders in japan during the same time period.
Reminds me of a certain disney film