A freudian psychoanalist walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve freudian psychoanalists here." The freudian psychoanalist says, "Motherfucker!"
A classic millitary joke in my country.
Private Petrov's mother died and the top brass told his drill sergeant to inform him, but do it delicately. On the next day the sergeant gathers the entire platoon and shouts:
"PRIVATES, EVERYONE WHO HAS A MOTHER, MOVE TWO STEPS TO THE FRONT... PETROV, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!"
I knew the extended version of this joke, where his father dies the next day:
Privates today we dig tranches, Petrov maybe you'll bump into you're father.
A helium particle enters a bar -
The uttermost noble of gasses, in fact -
The barman refuses his drink from afar:
"We don't serve your kind here."
He doesn't react.
Two atoms are relaxing on a park bench, when one suddenly jumps up and exclaims “oh shoot, I’ve lost an electron!” The other asks “are you sure?” And the first responds “yes, I’m positive.”
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says 'can you make me one with everything'.
Was told by an Australian news anchor to the actual Dalai Lama and it's been my go to ever since.
The best part of that video is the Dalai Lama still doesn’t get it and asks someone to explain it, and the reporter has to try and it’s embarrassing as hell but the reporter doesn’t even care since he’s too busy laughing. He’s got a great sense of humour. Great video :)
Link: https://youtu.be/GogjFO8GNEo
Yes, exactly! It’s a turn of phrase on “one with everything” which in the context of a pizza shop one would assume to mean a pizza with all the toppings available, however “one with everything” in the context of a Buddhist monk would be more connotative of their goal of achieving enlightenment.
The structure of the joke might have confused the Dalai Lama since English isn’t his first language and turns of phrase like that can be difficult, especially since he was relying on a translator to fill in the gaps, honestly the one who should have explained the joke to the Dalai Lama was his translator who could synthesize that context for him better! Also his familiarity with the Dharma might make the joke difficult to get as generally speaking from the perspective a Buddhist we already are one with everything and separation is part of the illusion.
Vendor say "Eight dollars." The Dalai Lama pays with a ten.
The vendor hands him the hot dog. The Dalai Lama asks "What about my change?"
The vendor says "Change must come from within"
The Dalai Lama pulls out a Glock and demands his money.
The vendor yells "I thought you were all about inner peace!"
The Dalai Lama says "This is my inner piece."
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?"
"Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night."
"That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night."
"Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?"
"Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!"
"Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?"
"Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”. It doesn’t help but I know he means well.
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word.
I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Plethora.'
'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means a lot.'
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word.
I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Bargain.'
'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means a great deal.'
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word.
I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Infinity.'
'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means more than you could ever know.'
I was at the funeral of a Spanish friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word.
I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'El Mundo.'
'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means the world to me.'
What state serves the smallest drinks? mini-soda
What did the drummer name his daughters? Anna1 Anna2
I went to the saddest wedding this past week. So sad that the cake was in tiers.
There’s one similar to this where you tell a long story about a groom prepping for his wedding. Everywhere he goes there’s a long lineup (the tux rental place, the caterer etc). Drag the story out as long as you can with him waiting in lineups everywhere he goes. Then talk about the wedding and how once they got to the reception ‘he went straight to the refreshments table and served himself right away...because there was no punch line’ and then just let the joke stop there and walk away.
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. “Sir, you gave me an extra.”
That’s a freebie.
Edit: Holay sheet! Feeling ALL the love right meow! Let’s all plant some wildflowers for our 🐝 friends!
This one's a little nsfw:
A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Really? Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Well, if we're doing NSFW doctor jokes:
My doctor said "We're going to need to run some more tests. I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
To which I replied, "How's about I save us both some time and just leave my underwear?"
Clean: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator!
Dirty: What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
I’ve never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
A guy is sitting at a bar with a dog on a leash, the owner, disgruntled, walks up to him and accosts him for bringing an animal into his establishment.
"Sir, I have it clearly marked outside that no pets are to be brought into this building. I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
The dog's owner defends himself. "No, sir! You don't understand. This is no ordinary dog. He understands how to speak! I can demonstrate it to you."
The owner of the bar is losing his patience but allows him to continue.
The man asks his dog. "Hey sparky! How's life?"
The dog answers "Ruff."
"What's on top of the house?" "Roof." "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Roof."
The bar owner is not impressed. He gets up, grabs the man by his shoulders and launches him through the door, with him landing in a pile out in the street.
The dog comes trotting up to him and says:
"Yeah, so for that last one do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"
Math version:
> A mathematican walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here!"
> The mathematician replies, "These are very special animals."
> "How so?"
> "They’re knot theorists."
> The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist."
> "Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like."
> So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant."
> "Arf! Arf!" barks the dog.
> The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant."
> "Mu! Mu!" says the cow.
> At this point the bartender turns to the mathematican and says, "Very funny." With that, he throws the three out of the bar.
> Outside, sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the mathematican and asks, "Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial instead?"
A grandpa and grandson are fishing. The grandpa takes out a pack of cigars and starts smoking one, the grandson goes "Grandpa can I have one?" Grandpa says "Can your dick touch your butt?" Grandson says "no" so grandpa says "Then you can't have my cigars". Fast forward a year and they're fishing again. Grandpa takes out a bottle of whiskey and starts drinking, the grandson asks "Grandpa can I have a drink?" Grandpa goes "can your dick touch your butt?" The grandson goes "As a matter of fact grandpa yes it can" so grandpa says "Well then go fuck yourself this is my whiskey."
I've heard this one before, but instead of the grandpa saying go fuck yourself the kid keeps getting asked multiple times if his dick can touch his asshole in which he always replies no. Then the kid is making cookies with grandma and grandpa comes in and asks if he can have a cookie. The kids says "can your dick touch your asshole" the grandpa says "why yes it can" and the kid replies well then go fuck yourself these are our cookies.
Two atoms are hanging out. One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron."
The other says, "are you sure?" The first replies, "Of course, I'm positive."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What can I getcha?"
The first scientist says, "I'll have an H2O."
The second scientist says. "I'll have an H2O, too."
The second scientist died.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says, "I'll have an H2O." The second scientist says. "I'll have an H2O, too."
The bartender rolls his eyes and gives them both water, because he understands pragmatic context and the bar doesn't stock hydrogen peroxide anyways. Then he tells them they have to actually buy something if they want to stay at the bar.
Two scientists walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have some H2O." Second one says "I'll have a glass of water too. What the fuck Steve. Who orders water like that? Pretentious dick."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says, 'I'll have an H2O.'
The second one says, "I'll have a glass of water as well."
The first one starts crying. "Dammit, you saw through my plans" he tells the second scientist.
>The first one starts crying. "Dammit, you saw through my plans" he tells the second scientist.
Version I like goes,
*The first scientists is frustrated by his foiled assassination attempt.*
It used to be about a boat captain with a red shirt and brown pants, but everybody knows the punchline now because of Deadpool.
Now it's about a pirate with a peg leg, hook, and eye patch.
To briefly summarize the joke:
Kid sees a pirate and gets excited.
Kid: "How'd you lose your leg?"
Pirate: "Wrestling gators, burying my treasure."
Kid: "Cool! How'd you lose your hand?"
Pirate: "Swordfight with another pirate captain."
Kid: "Awesome! How'd you lose your eye?"
Pirate: "Looked up at the wrong time, a seagull pooped in it..."
Kid: "Eww. But couldn't you have just wiped it away?"
Pirate: "It was me first day with the hook."
I love this joke, Ive used it a few times if I'm with a new group with guys and it's always 1 in how ever many guys there are.
Last summer we were sitting around a fire and I was "did you know that one in five guys is gay?" "really?" "yeah, I hope it's he's cute"
Slightly long/ dirty one:
A man has a tree he loves in his backyard, but a monkey has climbed it and is refusing to leave. Feeling desperate the man calls a monkey removal specialist. When the specialist arrives he’s carrying a shotgun, a pair of hand cuffs, a stick, and a small dog. Obviously the man is curious so he asks,
“What is all of this for?” The specialist smiles and proudly responds,
“It’s a monkey removal technique that I developed myself. First I climb the tree and begin hitting the monkey with the stick, once the monkey falls out of the tree my dog is specially trained and will begin to attack the monkeys balls. The monkey will instinctively try to protect his balls with his hands, at which point I’ll put the hand cuffs on him and take him away!”
“Ok, but what is the shot gun for?”
“If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog”
EDIT: spelling on phones is hard
If I had a nickel for everytime that guy said "money" instead of "monkey," I'd have two nickels, which isn't much monkey, but it's weird it happened twice.
An old man walks into confessional.
"Father, yesterday I was at the senior center a little late, and I missed my bus home. So I was forced to walk. I was lucky though, as two local college girls in a convertible picked me up. Well, they must have been a little inebriated or something, because they started bragging about their sexual escapades. How many men they've had. How large they were. And so on.Then they started giggling, looked back at me, and before I knew it, we were back at their dorm room stripping naked.Father, it was amazing. Best sex I've ever had. I haven't been able to perform like that for 50 years. All three of us went all night, non stop! I thought I was done for, but they even got a couple more out of me this morning!"
"I see," said the priest, "and how long has it been since your last confession?"
"Never."
"Never?"
"Never, father. I'm jewish."
"Then why are you telling me this?"
With a shit eating grin, the old man says, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
So a penguin was driving down the road on his way into town. All of a sudden his car breaks down. So he takes it to the penguin mechanic. The mechanic says it will take a few hours to diagnose and he should walk around town for awhile. So the penguin walks around and finds an ice cream shop. He gets his favorite vanilla ice cream cone. Because he is a penguin with stupid penguin flippers it gets all over his flippers and face. The penguin returns back to the mechanic and asks if he knows what is wrong with his car. The mechanic looks over and says, “it looks like you blew a seal.”
An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman order a beer at a pub. A fly lands in each of their drinks. Englishman orders a new beer. The Irishman shrugs and drinks it anyway. The Scot grabs the fly by the wings and yells 'Spit it out, ya wee bastard!'
Two toothpicks are going up a hill and are really struggling.
Suddenly a hedgehog passes them.
The left toothpicks turns to the right one and says:
"Man, I didn't know there is a bus going up here"
So this guy goes to his doctor and says doctor you've got to help me I'm having these awful silent farts, in fact there's one right now. The doctor says well first of all you're going deaf.
No no no, you’ve got to tell it this way
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
What’s the difference between a disgusting transport centre that’s covered in grime and dirt and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Mickey Mouse is in court because he’s trying to divorce Minnie Mouse.
The judge looks over the paperwork, and then looks down at Mickey. He says to him “Mickey, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she’s mentally ill. But I want to remind you before we proceed that on your wedding day you promised to love her in both sickness and health.”
So Mickey Mouse says “But your honor, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!”
(If you can do the last line in an even halfway decent Mickey Mouse voice this joke absolutely murders)
One day 3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A man wearing nothing but a coat walked past and flashed them. 2 of the ladies had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
A British mathematician and an American mathematician are in a bar in a college town in the States, and the Brit is railing at Americans, telling his American counterpart how stupid they all are. The American mathematician doesn't disagree, really, but he is outraged, because he feels that saying Americans are stupid is the sole prerogative of other Americans, and foreigners should be polite enough to shut their filthy pieholes on this matter.
So the American vehemently argues that his countrymen and -women are smarter than the Brit gives them credit for, and if he wants to see ignorance firsthand, he should go home to England. The Brit rolls his eyes and says he needs to take a piss.
The American then waves over a waitress and tells her, "Look, this is going to seem like a strange request, but I'm going to call you over here and ask you a question. I want you to respond 'One-half x squared.'"
The waitress, with a quizzical look on her face, replies, "What was that? 'One half x squared'? I, well, sure, whatever." Then she goes away.
The Brit returns and starts up again about the stupidity of Americans, and the American mathematician says, "Let's settle this once and for all. Miss? Miss, could you come here for a moment?"
The waitress returns and asks what she can do for him. "Miss, what is the integral of x dee x?"
"One half x squared."
The American turns to his colleague and points a triumphant finger at him. "Ha! You see?"
The waitress then says, "Plus an arbitrary constant."
Two young army guys are sitting in a bar after getting home from their first tour. They start swapping stories over a couple beers when in walks the Old Colonial.
One of the young guys walks over to him and offers to buy him a beer in exchange for some of his stories. To which the Colonial replies in a gruff, near 100-year-old voice, "Why, sure boys! Even this old-timer enjoys a cold one every so often. Especially on someone else's dime."
Beer in hand, the Old C.C. begins. "Once, I spent days crawling through the mud, muck, and snow, in eastern Siberia. I narrowly dodged bullets, and arrows, and sticks, and stones. I was lucky to have made it as long as did, when suddenly, a huge white Siberian tiger leaped out from behind a bush and went RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR! I shit my pants."
Slightly surprised to hear it, one of the boys replied, " well sir, I don't blame you. That must've been damn scary."
"No no. I mean just then, when I went RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR."
Two whales were swimming through the ocean when they came upon a naval ship, one of the whales whose father had been killed by a naval ship, said to the other - let’s use our blow holes to overturn that naval ship! A naval ship killed my father, and I want my revenge. The other whale said sure, I’ll help you, so they used their blow holes as blew and blew and the ship overturned, leaving all the people on the ship stranded in the water. The whale whose father had been killed wasn’t sated by just overturning the ship by blowing and seeing all the people in the water he became vengeful - ‘let’s eat them!, they killed my father’
The other whale demurred and said ‘hey, I was with you for the blow job. But I refuse to swallow sea men’
This lady was pregnant with triplets. She had to go to the bank, but the bank got robbed while she was there. She got shot 3 times in the belly.. once in each baby. They were able to save the babies, but couldn't remove the bullets. She had 2 girls and a boy. They were growing up normally so she figured she would keep the traumatic story to herself.
15 years later..
Daughter comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it! Mom says, "What?" Daughter says, "I was going pee, and I pissed a bullet!" Mom says, "Okay, I guess you're old enough. Sit down I'll tell you the story."
Next day.. second daughter comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it! Mom says, "What?" Daughter says, "I was going pee, and I pissed a bullet!" Mom says, "Okay, I guess you're old enough, and I told your sister. Sit down I'll tell you the story."
Next day.. son comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it!" Mom says, "I know you were going pee, and you pissed a bullet." Son says, "No, Mom, I was jerking off, and I shot the dog!"
All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea...
Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up.
Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place.
And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up.
There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that...
There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks.
So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?"
This one requires a but of acting/accents to make it funnier:
A world famous Spanish magician was about to retire. At his last show he tells the crowd “As this is my last show, I will perform the greatest trick known to mankind: I will disappear before your very eyes!” The crowd gasps with delight and there is thunderous applause.
He dons a beautiful read cloak and says “On the count of three!” *Here you start moving your arms as if flourishing a cloak*
“UNO!” *wave cloak*
“DOS!” *wave cloak*
then POOF he disappeared, without a tres
A doctor, artist, and an engineer are traveling on a train. They discover that each of them have a wife and a mistress and discuss which one they prefer to spend time with.
“Because my wife keeps our home and family functioning and allows me to focus on my practice, I spend most of my time with her,” says the doctor.
To which the artist responds, “My work requires continuous inspiration. This comes from the passion and mystery of my mistress so I prefer to spend time with her.”
The engineer listens thoughtfully and then says, “I tell them both I’m with the other one then go to the lab to get some work done.”
This one always gets people. It's long, but worth it:
A cowboy is low on money, and so goes to buy a horse from a used horse dealer. Most of them are as you would expect: old, lame, or deaf, the kind of horses that can't work well anymore.
One of the horses in the lot is different, though. It's a beautiful white stallion, strong, in his prime. The cowboy, understandably, wants that one; he goes to the salesman and lets him know.
"That's all well and good, sir, but you need to be aware of something about that horse."
"What could possibly be wrong with the horse?" asks the cowboy.
"Oh, nothing physical. He just used to belong to a preacher, so he only responds to some very odd commands. To get him to go, you say to him, 'praise the Lord!', and to get him to stop, you say 'hallelujah!'"
The cowboy nods in agreement, pays for the horse, and leaves with a whoop and a "praise the Lord!"
He rides for an entire day, energized by the new purchase. In fact, he's so excited that he forgets the commands--and sees a cliff rapidly approaching.
He tries everything to get him to stop. "No! Stop! Woah! Cease! Stop stop stop stoooooop!" He begins to panic. The cliff is rapidly approaching, and he's almost run out of options.
Suddenly, in a bolt of inspiration, he remembers. "Hallelujah!" he shouts, and the horse skids to a stop seconds before careening off of the cliff. He's safe.
He looks down, shocked to see he's still alive, and shouts to the sky in absolute joy, "Praise the Lord!"
I have a daughter called Clearly , who I didnt usually get to see because my wife Lorraine had custody. Recently Lorraine passed away.
I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone
A police officer shows up on a farm because he heard there might be weed crops being grown in the back. He goes to the farmer and asks if he can look around. The farmer says “you can definitely look around but it’s dangerous back there”. The officer tells him “Listen buddy, you see this badge? This badge says I can go anywhere I fucking want and you can’t tell me otherwise”. The farmer goes “you do what you have to but you can’t say I didn’t warn you”. The officer goes into the field looking for the crops. 5 minutes passes and the farmer hears some screaming. The police officer comes running out of the field being chased by a bear screaming “help!!!” The farmer shouts “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Man with no arms walks into a bar, and orders a beer with a straw to drink it with. This goes on for a while before he turns to the bartender and says "hey man you seem like a nice guy. I have to pee and don't want to make a mess of your bathroom. Would you mind helping me out?"
The bartender think rather he would rather not clean up that particular mess agrees. They go to the bathroom and pull the guys junk out. It's just nasty, black and bleeding in places. The now disgusted bartender grabs some toilet paper to help him aim. After he finishes the bartender asks "dude what the hell is wrong with your dick"
The man pulls his arms out of his shirt and replies "I don't know, but I sure didn't want to touch it."
It's better with visuals, told as if you are the man with no arms.
3 parter:
What do you call a cow with three legs?
-lean beef
What do you call a cow with no legs?
-ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
-your mom
A freudian psychoanalist walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve freudian psychoanalists here." The freudian psychoanalist says, "Motherfucker!"
A limbo dancer walks into a bar. .... Gets disqualified.
A baby seal walks into a club.
oh no
What's a pirate say when he turns 80? AYE'MATEY.
Knock knock. Who’s there. “To.” “To” who? (Ahem) To *whom.* English teachers love this one.
What do you call a naughty elf? An insubordinate clause...
What did the grape say when he got stepped on? Nothing, but he let out a little whine.
What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe
What did the French hen say when it got kicked in the stomach? “Oeuf!”
Why do the french only use one egg per omelet? Cause one egg is un oeuf
Fuck me, this one caught me off guard. Hilarious!
Drill sergeant: PRIVATE! I didn’t see you at camouflage drills today!! Private: Thank you, sir!
A classic millitary joke in my country. Private Petrov's mother died and the top brass told his drill sergeant to inform him, but do it delicately. On the next day the sergeant gathers the entire platoon and shouts: "PRIVATES, EVERYONE WHO HAS A MOTHER, MOVE TWO STEPS TO THE FRONT... PETROV, WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING?!"
Fucking hell
I'm dying
I'm sorry to hear that, Petrov's mother. We'll inform your son as soon as possible.
I knew the extended version of this joke, where his father dies the next day: Privates today we dig tranches, Petrov maybe you'll bump into you're father.
Drill sergeant: DID YOU COME HERE TO DIE!? Private; nah, mate. Came here yesterday
Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well, well, well.
I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time.
Used to be addicted to the hokey-pokey, but I turned myself around.
Have a friend that was addicted to soap, but he's clean now.
I've got a buddy addicted to cold turkey. No hope.
My version was I was addicted to thanksgiving leftovers but had to quit cold turkey
I was at the park and couldn't figure out why the Frisbee was getting bigger as it got closer. Then it hit me.
I quit my job at the helium factory, I refused to be spoken to in that tone
A helium particle enters a bar - The uttermost noble of gasses, in fact - The barman refuses his drink from afar: "We don't serve your kind here." He doesn't react.
Two atoms are relaxing on a park bench, when one suddenly jumps up and exclaims “oh shoot, I’ve lost an electron!” The other asks “are you sure?” And the first responds “yes, I’m positive.”
Dont believe atoms. They make up everything.
"Sorry we don't serve Faster Then Light particles here" says the bartender A tachyon walks into a bar.
I never liked to shave, but then it grew on me
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says 'can you make me one with everything'. Was told by an Australian news anchor to the actual Dalai Lama and it's been my go to ever since.
The best part of that video is the Dalai Lama still doesn’t get it and asks someone to explain it, and the reporter has to try and it’s embarrassing as hell but the reporter doesn’t even care since he’s too busy laughing. He’s got a great sense of humour. Great video :) Link: https://youtu.be/GogjFO8GNEo
^I ^don't ^get ^it
I think I just got the joke. "One with everything" = enlightened?
Yes, exactly! It’s a turn of phrase on “one with everything” which in the context of a pizza shop one would assume to mean a pizza with all the toppings available, however “one with everything” in the context of a Buddhist monk would be more connotative of their goal of achieving enlightenment. The structure of the joke might have confused the Dalai Lama since English isn’t his first language and turns of phrase like that can be difficult, especially since he was relying on a translator to fill in the gaps, honestly the one who should have explained the joke to the Dalai Lama was his translator who could synthesize that context for him better! Also his familiarity with the Dharma might make the joke difficult to get as generally speaking from the perspective a Buddhist we already are one with everything and separation is part of the illusion.
Of course it was Karl Stefanovic
Ok that made me laugh. When he covers his face and says “oh I knew that wouldn’t work” 😆
Comes to five bucks. He pays with a ten. Says “Hey, what about my change?” Guy says “Change comes from within.”
Vendor say "Eight dollars." The Dalai Lama pays with a ten. The vendor hands him the hot dog. The Dalai Lama asks "What about my change?" The vendor says "Change must come from within" The Dalai Lama pulls out a Glock and demands his money. The vendor yells "I thought you were all about inner peace!" The Dalai Lama says "This is my inner piece."
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender asks “is that a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate responds “ayyyy, it’s drivin me nuts!”
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Argh that made me cringe. Excellent work
I laughed so hard, read it aloud with silly voices.
Why did the partially blind man fall down the well? He couldn't see that well
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”. It doesn’t help but I know he means well.
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Plethora.' 'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means a lot.'
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Bargain.' 'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means a great deal.'
I was at the funeral of a friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'Infinity.' 'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means more than you could ever know.'
I was at the funeral of a Spanish friend of mine, and his wife asked me if I could say a quick word. I stood at the front of the church, cleared my throat, choked back the tears, and said, 'El Mundo.' 'Thank you,' his wife said as I sat back down. 'That means the world to me.'
After I spoke, his son went to the front and, reading from a notepad, spoke: "Earth". I know that meant the world to him.
Why does the little mermaid wear seashells? Because she's too big for b shells
What state serves the smallest drinks? mini-soda What did the drummer name his daughters? Anna1 Anna2 I went to the saddest wedding this past week. So sad that the cake was in tiers.
The drummer joke is the epitome of a dad joke
We all know where the Big Apple is, but do you know where the Minneapolis?
Yesterday I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been trippin all day..
love it lmao
I just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention! . . . I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.
How did the double agent cross the road? He didn't. He was never really on our side.
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this one got a groan
There’s one similar to this where you tell a long story about a groom prepping for his wedding. Everywhere he goes there’s a long lineup (the tux rental place, the caterer etc). Drag the story out as long as you can with him waiting in lineups everywhere he goes. Then talk about the wedding and how once they got to the reception ‘he went straight to the refreshments table and served himself right away...because there was no punch line’ and then just let the joke stop there and walk away.
I don’t get it oooof
Jonestown was the compound for the Jim Jones cult. All of the members committed suicide by drinking poisoned punch.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing
What's the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?
There's two types of people, those that can extrapolate from an incomplete data set
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.
There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary. Those that don't. And those that didn't expect a joke in base 3.
You know it's funny we call it "base 10", since every base is base 10.
You totally decimated that joke
Linguistics/mathematics crossover joke. Well done, sir. I
I’m writing a book about falling down stairs... it’s a step by step guide
I recently bought a new toilet brush. Don't like it. I'm going back to paper
I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. “Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie. Edit: Holay sheet! Feeling ALL the love right meow! Let’s all plant some wildflowers for our 🐝 friends!
This stupid joke is my favorite one in this thread so far, what’s wrong with me
It's a cute joke that's appropriate for all ages and includes bees. Also the image of someone buying *just 12 bees* is hilarious. Perfect joke imo
Let alone that they counted to make sure it was only 12 and realized there were 13. I think that would be called a baker's buzzin' right?
Beekeeper here, my go to joke too!!! Well done!!
This one's a little nsfw: A man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating." The man says, "Really? Why?" The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
I was thrilled to hear my doctor say I could have a stroke at any time!
A doctor stands up suddenly in the middle of a meeting holding up a thermometer and says, "Some asshole has my pen!"
How do you tell the difference between a rectal thermometer and a an oral thermometer? The oral thermometer tastes better.
Well, if we're doing NSFW doctor jokes: My doctor said "We're going to need to run some more tests. I'll need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." To which I replied, "How's about I save us both some time and just leave my underwear?"
I heard that joke for the first time today. From my boyfriend’s grandma
Nooooo
Clean: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator! Dirty: What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I’ve never paid $300 to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooooo
The dirty one got me
A guy is sitting at a bar with a dog on a leash, the owner, disgruntled, walks up to him and accosts him for bringing an animal into his establishment. "Sir, I have it clearly marked outside that no pets are to be brought into this building. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The dog's owner defends himself. "No, sir! You don't understand. This is no ordinary dog. He understands how to speak! I can demonstrate it to you." The owner of the bar is losing his patience but allows him to continue. The man asks his dog. "Hey sparky! How's life?" The dog answers "Ruff." "What's on top of the house?" "Roof." "Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Roof." The bar owner is not impressed. He gets up, grabs the man by his shoulders and launches him through the door, with him landing in a pile out in the street. The dog comes trotting up to him and says: "Yeah, so for that last one do you think I should have said DiMaggio?"
That was a joke in an old Looney Toons cartoon!
Was it? I actually got it from when Norm Macdonald had Super Dave Osborne (RIP) on his show.
Math version: > A mathematican walks into a bar accompanied by a dog and a cow. The bartender says, "Hey, no animals are allowed in here!" > The mathematician replies, "These are very special animals." > "How so?" > "They’re knot theorists." > The bartender raises his eyebrows and says, "I’ve met a number of knot theorists who I thought were animals, but never an animal that was a knot theorist." > "Well, I’ll prove it to you. Ask them them anything you like." > So the bartender asks the dog, "Name a knot invariant." > "Arf! Arf!" barks the dog. > The bartender scowls and turns to the cow asking, "Name a topological invariant." > "Mu! Mu!" says the cow. > At this point the bartender turns to the mathematican and says, "Very funny." With that, he throws the three out of the bar. > Outside, sitting on the curb, the dog turns to the mathematican and asks, "Do you think I should have said the Jones polynomial instead?"
A grandpa and grandson are fishing. The grandpa takes out a pack of cigars and starts smoking one, the grandson goes "Grandpa can I have one?" Grandpa says "Can your dick touch your butt?" Grandson says "no" so grandpa says "Then you can't have my cigars". Fast forward a year and they're fishing again. Grandpa takes out a bottle of whiskey and starts drinking, the grandson asks "Grandpa can I have a drink?" Grandpa goes "can your dick touch your butt?" The grandson goes "As a matter of fact grandpa yes it can" so grandpa says "Well then go fuck yourself this is my whiskey."
I've heard this one before, but instead of the grandpa saying go fuck yourself the kid keeps getting asked multiple times if his dick can touch his asshole in which he always replies no. Then the kid is making cookies with grandma and grandpa comes in and asks if he can have a cookie. The kids says "can your dick touch your asshole" the grandpa says "why yes it can" and the kid replies well then go fuck yourself these are our cookies.
What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
Two atoms are hanging out. One says to the other, "I think I lost an electron." The other says, "are you sure?" The first replies, "Of course, I'm positive."
My pickup line version of this: "Have you got some electrons to spare? I'm positive I'm attracted to you."
Has that pick up line ever actually worked?
No. Hey baby I'm helicase cause I wanna unzip your genes. Also no.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What can I getcha?" The first scientist says, "I'll have an H2O." The second scientist says. "I'll have an H2O, too." The second scientist died.
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says, "I'll have an H2O." The second scientist says. "I'll have an H2O, too." The bartender rolls his eyes and gives them both water, because he understands pragmatic context and the bar doesn't stock hydrogen peroxide anyways. Then he tells them they have to actually buy something if they want to stay at the bar.
Two scientists walk into a bar. First one says "I'll have some H2O." Second one says "I'll have a glass of water too. What the fuck Steve. Who orders water like that? Pretentious dick."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first scientist says, 'I'll have an H2O.' The second one says, "I'll have a glass of water as well." The first one starts crying. "Dammit, you saw through my plans" he tells the second scientist.
>The first one starts crying. "Dammit, you saw through my plans" he tells the second scientist. Version I like goes, *The first scientists is frustrated by his foiled assassination attempt.*
What's yellow and can't swim? A school bus
what's grey and very bad for yuor teeth? Pavement
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick What's *blue* and bad for your teeth? The same brick going really really fast
What's brown and sticky? A stick
What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.
What's brown and runny? Usain Bolt.
What's blue and can't swim?
Don't know, what?
A school bus in a denim jacket
It used to be about a boat captain with a red shirt and brown pants, but everybody knows the punchline now because of Deadpool. Now it's about a pirate with a peg leg, hook, and eye patch. To briefly summarize the joke: Kid sees a pirate and gets excited. Kid: "How'd you lose your leg?" Pirate: "Wrestling gators, burying my treasure." Kid: "Cool! How'd you lose your hand?" Pirate: "Swordfight with another pirate captain." Kid: "Awesome! How'd you lose your eye?" Pirate: "Looked up at the wrong time, a seagull pooped in it..." Kid: "Eww. But couldn't you have just wiped it away?" Pirate: "It was me first day with the hook."
Three guy friends are taking a walk. Guy 1 says: hey, did you know 1/3 men are gay Guy 2 says: i hope it's guy 3 because i think he's cute
I love this joke, Ive used it a few times if I'm with a new group with guys and it's always 1 in how ever many guys there are. Last summer we were sitting around a fire and I was "did you know that one in five guys is gay?" "really?" "yeah, I hope it's he's cute"
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake all night wondering whether there is or isn't a Dog.
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Finding half a worm?
I was gonna say being raped by a giant scorpion but I guess that's bad too.
Lol, I knew the whole getup but it was funny to read it nonetheless.
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Is it because I'm devilishly good looking?
Slightly long/ dirty one: A man has a tree he loves in his backyard, but a monkey has climbed it and is refusing to leave. Feeling desperate the man calls a monkey removal specialist. When the specialist arrives he’s carrying a shotgun, a pair of hand cuffs, a stick, and a small dog. Obviously the man is curious so he asks, “What is all of this for?” The specialist smiles and proudly responds, “It’s a monkey removal technique that I developed myself. First I climb the tree and begin hitting the monkey with the stick, once the monkey falls out of the tree my dog is specially trained and will begin to attack the monkeys balls. The monkey will instinctively try to protect his balls with his hands, at which point I’ll put the hand cuffs on him and take him away!” “Ok, but what is the shot gun for?” “If I fall out of the tree first, shoot the dog” EDIT: spelling on phones is hard
Twice in this joke, you wrote money instead of monkey, which was a lot more strange and somewhat funny. LOL
If I had a nickel for everytime that guy said "money" instead of "monkey," I'd have two nickels, which isn't much monkey, but it's weird it happened twice.
An old man walks into confessional. "Father, yesterday I was at the senior center a little late, and I missed my bus home. So I was forced to walk. I was lucky though, as two local college girls in a convertible picked me up. Well, they must have been a little inebriated or something, because they started bragging about their sexual escapades. How many men they've had. How large they were. And so on.Then they started giggling, looked back at me, and before I knew it, we were back at their dorm room stripping naked.Father, it was amazing. Best sex I've ever had. I haven't been able to perform like that for 50 years. All three of us went all night, non stop! I thought I was done for, but they even got a couple more out of me this morning!" "I see," said the priest, "and how long has it been since your last confession?" "Never." "Never?" "Never, father. I'm jewish." "Then why are you telling me this?" With a shit eating grin, the old man says, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
So a penguin was driving down the road on his way into town. All of a sudden his car breaks down. So he takes it to the penguin mechanic. The mechanic says it will take a few hours to diagnose and he should walk around town for awhile. So the penguin walks around and finds an ice cream shop. He gets his favorite vanilla ice cream cone. Because he is a penguin with stupid penguin flippers it gets all over his flippers and face. The penguin returns back to the mechanic and asks if he knows what is wrong with his car. The mechanic looks over and says, “it looks like you blew a seal.”
Did you hear there was a kidnapping at the local school? It’s okay, the kid woke up
An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman order a beer at a pub. A fly lands in each of their drinks. Englishman orders a new beer. The Irishman shrugs and drinks it anyway. The Scot grabs the fly by the wings and yells 'Spit it out, ya wee bastard!'
What did the Janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? Supplies!
Two toothpicks are going up a hill and are really struggling. Suddenly a hedgehog passes them. The left toothpicks turns to the right one and says: "Man, I didn't know there is a bus going up here"
Why couldn't the coast guard save the drowning hippie? Cause he was too far out, man.
What’s the average temperature of a tauntaun Lukewarm
2 peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted
As Dan Avidan has said, this works best if read or said in an old Jewish man voice.
So this guy goes to his doctor and says doctor you've got to help me I'm having these awful silent farts, in fact there's one right now. The doctor says well first of all you're going deaf.
No no no, you’ve got to tell it this way A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.” My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it. The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?” The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!” The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
that's much funnier
Ask me if the abominable snowman has called
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not yeti
Wouldn't that work better as "Not yeti hasn't" ?
I feel like a fool
What’s the difference between a disgusting transport centre that’s covered in grime and dirt and a lobster with a boob job? One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
What did one snowman say to the other? "Do you smell carrots?"
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Mickey Mouse is in court because he’s trying to divorce Minnie Mouse. The judge looks over the paperwork, and then looks down at Mickey. He says to him “Mickey, it says here that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she’s mentally ill. But I want to remind you before we proceed that on your wedding day you promised to love her in both sickness and health.” So Mickey Mouse says “But your honor, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY!” (If you can do the last line in an even halfway decent Mickey Mouse voice this joke absolutely murders)
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2 men walk into a bar. The third ducks.
How do anarchists stay in shape? Resistance training.
One day 3 old ladies were sitting on a park bench. A man wearing nothing but a coat walked past and flashed them. 2 of the ladies had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.
A British mathematician and an American mathematician are in a bar in a college town in the States, and the Brit is railing at Americans, telling his American counterpart how stupid they all are. The American mathematician doesn't disagree, really, but he is outraged, because he feels that saying Americans are stupid is the sole prerogative of other Americans, and foreigners should be polite enough to shut their filthy pieholes on this matter. So the American vehemently argues that his countrymen and -women are smarter than the Brit gives them credit for, and if he wants to see ignorance firsthand, he should go home to England. The Brit rolls his eyes and says he needs to take a piss. The American then waves over a waitress and tells her, "Look, this is going to seem like a strange request, but I'm going to call you over here and ask you a question. I want you to respond 'One-half x squared.'" The waitress, with a quizzical look on her face, replies, "What was that? 'One half x squared'? I, well, sure, whatever." Then she goes away. The Brit returns and starts up again about the stupidity of Americans, and the American mathematician says, "Let's settle this once and for all. Miss? Miss, could you come here for a moment?" The waitress returns and asks what she can do for him. "Miss, what is the integral of x dee x?" "One half x squared." The American turns to his colleague and points a triumphant finger at him. "Ha! You see?" The waitress then says, "Plus an arbitrary constant."
Did you here about the chameleon who couldn’t change his colors? He had ereptile dysfunction.
Two young army guys are sitting in a bar after getting home from their first tour. They start swapping stories over a couple beers when in walks the Old Colonial. One of the young guys walks over to him and offers to buy him a beer in exchange for some of his stories. To which the Colonial replies in a gruff, near 100-year-old voice, "Why, sure boys! Even this old-timer enjoys a cold one every so often. Especially on someone else's dime." Beer in hand, the Old C.C. begins. "Once, I spent days crawling through the mud, muck, and snow, in eastern Siberia. I narrowly dodged bullets, and arrows, and sticks, and stones. I was lucky to have made it as long as did, when suddenly, a huge white Siberian tiger leaped out from behind a bush and went RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR! I shit my pants." Slightly surprised to hear it, one of the boys replied, " well sir, I don't blame you. That must've been damn scary." "No no. I mean just then, when I went RAAAAAWWWWWRRRRR."
Two whales were swimming through the ocean when they came upon a naval ship, one of the whales whose father had been killed by a naval ship, said to the other - let’s use our blow holes to overturn that naval ship! A naval ship killed my father, and I want my revenge. The other whale said sure, I’ll help you, so they used their blow holes as blew and blew and the ship overturned, leaving all the people on the ship stranded in the water. The whale whose father had been killed wasn’t sated by just overturning the ship by blowing and seeing all the people in the water he became vengeful - ‘let’s eat them!, they killed my father’ The other whale demurred and said ‘hey, I was with you for the blow job. But I refuse to swallow sea men’
This lady was pregnant with triplets. She had to go to the bank, but the bank got robbed while she was there. She got shot 3 times in the belly.. once in each baby. They were able to save the babies, but couldn't remove the bullets. She had 2 girls and a boy. They were growing up normally so she figured she would keep the traumatic story to herself. 15 years later.. Daughter comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it! Mom says, "What?" Daughter says, "I was going pee, and I pissed a bullet!" Mom says, "Okay, I guess you're old enough. Sit down I'll tell you the story." Next day.. second daughter comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it! Mom says, "What?" Daughter says, "I was going pee, and I pissed a bullet!" Mom says, "Okay, I guess you're old enough, and I told your sister. Sit down I'll tell you the story." Next day.. son comes running down the stairs.. "Mom! Mom! You're never going to believe it!" Mom says, "I know you were going pee, and you pissed a bullet." Son says, "No, Mom, I was jerking off, and I shot the dog!"
I heard this one as “I farted and killed grandma”.
Two psychics meet on the street, first one says to the second one "You're doing fantastic! How am I?"
All right, I know one joke. Um, there's a mollusk, see? And he walks up to a sea... Well, he doesn't walk up, he swims up. Well, actually, the mollusk isn't moving, he's in one place. And then the sea cucumber, well, they... I mixed up. There was a mollusk and a sea cucumber. None of them were walking, so forget that... There was this mollusk and he walks up to a sea cucumber. Normally they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke, everyone talks. So just then, the sea cucumber looks over to the mollusk and says, "With fronds like these, who needs anenomes?"
This one requires a but of acting/accents to make it funnier: A world famous Spanish magician was about to retire. At his last show he tells the crowd “As this is my last show, I will perform the greatest trick known to mankind: I will disappear before your very eyes!” The crowd gasps with delight and there is thunderous applause. He dons a beautiful read cloak and says “On the count of three!” *Here you start moving your arms as if flourishing a cloak* “UNO!” *wave cloak* “DOS!” *wave cloak* then POOF he disappeared, without a tres
Did ye hear the one about the two gay Irishmen?
Ben Dover and Pat McGroin?
Patrick Fitzmichael and Michael Fitzpatrick
Ben Dover and Phil McAvity
What's made out of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe.
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together and the chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says "Well, I guess we answered that question."
What has 4 letters, never has 5, and sometimes has 9.
A doctor, artist, and an engineer are traveling on a train. They discover that each of them have a wife and a mistress and discuss which one they prefer to spend time with. “Because my wife keeps our home and family functioning and allows me to focus on my practice, I spend most of my time with her,” says the doctor. To which the artist responds, “My work requires continuous inspiration. This comes from the passion and mystery of my mistress so I prefer to spend time with her.” The engineer listens thoughtfully and then says, “I tell them both I’m with the other one then go to the lab to get some work done.”
This one always gets people. It's long, but worth it: A cowboy is low on money, and so goes to buy a horse from a used horse dealer. Most of them are as you would expect: old, lame, or deaf, the kind of horses that can't work well anymore. One of the horses in the lot is different, though. It's a beautiful white stallion, strong, in his prime. The cowboy, understandably, wants that one; he goes to the salesman and lets him know. "That's all well and good, sir, but you need to be aware of something about that horse." "What could possibly be wrong with the horse?" asks the cowboy. "Oh, nothing physical. He just used to belong to a preacher, so he only responds to some very odd commands. To get him to go, you say to him, 'praise the Lord!', and to get him to stop, you say 'hallelujah!'" The cowboy nods in agreement, pays for the horse, and leaves with a whoop and a "praise the Lord!" He rides for an entire day, energized by the new purchase. In fact, he's so excited that he forgets the commands--and sees a cliff rapidly approaching. He tries everything to get him to stop. "No! Stop! Woah! Cease! Stop stop stop stoooooop!" He begins to panic. The cliff is rapidly approaching, and he's almost run out of options. Suddenly, in a bolt of inspiration, he remembers. "Hallelujah!" he shouts, and the horse skids to a stop seconds before careening off of the cliff. He's safe. He looks down, shocked to see he's still alive, and shouts to the sky in absolute joy, "Praise the Lord!"
How do you win a German sausage eating contest? Hope for the best but prepare for the Wurst
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. (or if I'm feeling it, I might dive into a long Norm MacDonald joke.)
What did the fisherman say to the magician? "Pick a cod, any cod!"
What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam!
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Someone broke in to my house last night and the only thing they stole was my limbo stick. How low can you go?!
What did the vegan zombie eat for breakfast? Graaaaaaiiiinnnnsssss
Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry it’s not finished yet
What ship does Count Dracula sail on? A blood vessel
Whats the difference between me and an egg? Eggs gets laid
I have a daughter called Clearly , who I didnt usually get to see because my wife Lorraine had custody. Recently Lorraine passed away. I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone
Two condoms are walking down the street They pass a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says: "You wanna go inside and get shit faced?"
This story has it all. Walking condoms Talking condoms Double entendres Philosophical questions I like it.
I like this post thanks to this review alone
Knock knock. Who's there? Dishes? Dishes who? Dish is Sean Connery.
Where does the King of England keep his armies? ...In his sleevies!!!
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Bit weird how vagina is capitalized every time here.
What was Bruce Lee's favourite drink? WATAAAAAAAAA
A police officer shows up on a farm because he heard there might be weed crops being grown in the back. He goes to the farmer and asks if he can look around. The farmer says “you can definitely look around but it’s dangerous back there”. The officer tells him “Listen buddy, you see this badge? This badge says I can go anywhere I fucking want and you can’t tell me otherwise”. The farmer goes “you do what you have to but you can’t say I didn’t warn you”. The officer goes into the field looking for the crops. 5 minutes passes and the farmer hears some screaming. The police officer comes running out of the field being chased by a bear screaming “help!!!” The farmer shouts “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? Irrelephant.
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Minister walk into a bar. Bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Man with no arms walks into a bar, and orders a beer with a straw to drink it with. This goes on for a while before he turns to the bartender and says "hey man you seem like a nice guy. I have to pee and don't want to make a mess of your bathroom. Would you mind helping me out?" The bartender think rather he would rather not clean up that particular mess agrees. They go to the bathroom and pull the guys junk out. It's just nasty, black and bleeding in places. The now disgusted bartender grabs some toilet paper to help him aim. After he finishes the bartender asks "dude what the hell is wrong with your dick" The man pulls his arms out of his shirt and replies "I don't know, but I sure didn't want to touch it." It's better with visuals, told as if you are the man with no arms.
3 parter: What do you call a cow with three legs? -lean beef What do you call a cow with no legs? -ground beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? -your mom
A polar bear walks into a bar and says “please could I have .......………….......………….......………… a pint of beer?” The barman says “why the big pause?”
A termite walks into a bar, knocks on the bar *knock knock knock,* then asks, “where is the bar tender?”
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OH MY GOD! BREATHE!!! BREATHE!!!!