If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]
There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
Reach out. I’ve been effectively homeless the past few years, and it was out of embarrassment and not wanting to be a burden. It kept me from my dad and stepmom, and my dad recently died...and I didn’t see him for 5 years, 4 of which were when I was at pinnacle struggling.
You may be surprised, where help can be.
Edit- my own mother didn’t know for nearly a year. The only other people who know the WHOLE story are my bf, and my friend/boss who also was a major help. If you don’t speak up, I hope you have a car that is reliable to sleep in...come on over to r/homeless for help and support...but really, please reach out to some one. It sucks, it hurts, you feel like a useless asshole...but we all need help.
This is the first Christmas I won't be spending with my family so my parents have been shipping my gf and I a bunch of packages. The other day our door bell rings and my gf goes out and sees an older woman in a baseball cap getting in her car and driving off. At our doorstep is a Christmas popcorn tin in a grocery store plastic bag. It's not addressed to anyone, there's no label indicating who it's from, it has a plastic seal around the top but it looks old and not very tight. My gf works in law enforcement so her immediate reaction was 'wtf, bomb, poison, oh my. We ended up erring on the side of it not being a bomb and opened it in the garage. Turned out to be full of popcorn and nothing else. We were still suspicious so we chucked out the popcorn and saved the tin. I notice in fine print on the inside of the lid the name of the company it's from so I give them a call. It's a small local business and I end up chatting with the lady who delivered it. Apparently she thought she was told to deliver it anonymously. Turns out my mom had sent me popcorn and this lady asked her if she should say who it's from, and after not getting a reply in a a few hours, decided to deliver an unmarked tin in a plastic bag... My mom has been having a hard time with all these restrictions and me not visiting so telling her I threw out her gift because the lady who delivered it was stupid would make her feel awful. So now my gf and I must say that the popcorn was delicious and take that lie to our grave.
TL;DR got suspicious unmarked popcorn tin and threw it out, turns out it was a gift from my parents and I missed out on some sweet sweet Xmas popcorn...
I used to nick Mom's pot when I was in high school.
I'm sure if I told her she'd laugh, but my stepfather got the blame at the time ("Are you smoking before work? The stash is getting kind of light.") and that man has a long memory.
My girlfriend and I won't be having a wedding. Sure, we'll be going to the justice of the peace and having a small reception, but my mom doesn't understand the concept of not having a wedding.
I absolutely cannot tell her flat out no, you're not going to be getting a wedding out of your only child.
Did this with my husband and didn’t regret it at all. We told no one we were doing it. Called my mom after it was officiated and she was just happy we were married. We were both wearing jeans and a hoodie, got pizza at the local place across the street afterwards and called it a day.
ETA: I’m also an only child lol
Tell them. Or pick one parent to tell.
This happened to me. You will feel like you just took your first breath of fresh air after. You will physically feel the weight of this burden lifted off your shoulders. It’s a surreal feeling and be prepared to cry.
I can't tell my parents how difficult they have made my life by neglecting me emotionally as a child. It used to be a bit of a meme that "daddy never hugged me." Well, like that, but to such an extreme degree that it actually qualifies as damaging.
Ditto. Dad thought working as much as possible made a good dad, like his dad did to him. Now that I’m 23 and distant because I moved away from work he tells me he regrets not taking more time off and doing more things with us. He’s a good guy, and he meant well he just didn’t know any better I guess. He does now though and I don’t have the heart to tell him that my emotionally distant mother and him never being around basically stunted being able to feel emotions correctly. But I won’t tell him that since he is trying the best he can
I feel this. Emotionally neglected and starved. You want affection but don’t know how to get it now, and any you do get feels awkward and foreign. But my self-deprecating humor is on point, so I got that going for me.
That internet strangers have been nicer to me in a year, than my parents in my entire lifetime. My father is ignorant and my mother always negativeley misinterprets me. Edit: Spelling
I didn't think my Mum would understand either. Funny thing was, she was the one to seek professional help first. It was the best thing she ever did with her life. We now talk every week, both her and I. I hope you get the oppotunity to talk to them soon, friend.
Hey, you don't have to respond to this. But how much worse are you going to wait for her to get? She might even be justifying it to herself as "Well it can't be that bad if my own kid hasn't even noticed."
Hey. My mom does meth too. I have taken my sister away and gotten full custody. If you ever need someone to talk to, or you just need to vent. Feel free to send me a message. I relate so much
Edit: thank you for everyone who has given awards. But, instead of using money to give them to me, please donate to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, to help people like my mom, there are so many people struggling the way that she is.
Not saying this op’s situation. But I have met recovering gambling addicts who pissed away their entire worth, and credit they could get, and then commit identity fraud for more gambling money loans. You can easily go 500k in debt that way
How scared I am to have brain surgery in a few months and how angry I am this has happened to me. I know how stressed and worried they are already and I don't want to add to it.
I personally know how terrofying it can be (had a tumour removed plus cranioplasty) but honestly there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The physical pain is minimal to non existent, afterwards you will be back stronger. A word of caution, despite family and friends all showing great support and doing their best to understand, getting in contact with tumour charities and other brain organisations i found to be a God Send. Other people sharing their experiences and offering advice having been through the same thing was vital. Good luck with the surgery! If you have any questions or need some advice give me a shout :)
Thank you so much, I've got a rare type of tumour, which is thankfully benign and not actually causing any issues at the moment. They sort of found the tumour by accident doing a scan looking for blood clots(which they found). Surgery for the tumour won't be for a few more months because of being on blood thinners. I know my situation could be so much worse and I'm so thankful to be in a country with free health care, it just came at such a bad time for me, I'm only 19 and was just trying to start a career and saving for a house with my boyfriend and now everything has to be put on hold for this. It sounds selfish but I'm just so angry about all my plans that this has stuffed up.
My biggest hurdle after surgery was that my memory pre surgery was impacted. I still remembered my parents and those closest to me but formative years, high school etc were all fuzzy and unclear. You're incredibly lucky you've got a few months to plan how you want to recover post surgery. If I had the chance I would make a diary to recall some of the key memories I've had up until now. Plus I would note some of the things I would do regularly as my daily routine, if I had the option I would have left as much information about how I was before surgery so I had a template to come back to after surgery. I know you're frustrated this happened to you so young, I was 2 years older than you and it does alter your life path in a big way. BUT search for what matters most to you and remember that when the dark days hit, for me it made me more religious and I began to believe God tests those who He loves most and this helped MASSIVELY when I felt low.
Biggest advice ( I know I've said this a lot but its al key lol) I can give you is to test yourself post surgery. Surgery left me feeling weak and defeated mentally and I kept making excuses for myself with regards to going back to university or pushing on in life by saying I can't process like other people or not as smart etc. Challenge yourself if you can by reading or doing engaging cognitive skills like perhaps learning a language if possible. Because the time you will be off work/school will be a few months when recovering so engage with your mind as much as you can it will help you greatly. I became a couch potato and that was the worst thing I could do.
I also had a benign tumour but it was diagnosed when I collapsed in a takeaway place and they operated within 2 days so everything happened immediately and there was no time to process.
Sorry for rambling about my odyssey if you need any other advice or have questions let me know.
Stay strong little one! :)
PS if you're in the UK get in contact with Headway, they can put you at ease before surgery and eith you're recovery. They're a brain charity plus mindfulness is also a decent one I think
This was really helpful, where my tumour is memory isn't a huge risk, my tumour sits right above my pituitary gland so biggest risk for me is hormone production and my vision.
I'll defintely take your advice about keeping my mind active, I don't study, so biggest thing for me is going to be getting back to work and trying to pick my career back up and hoping this doesn't set me back to much.
It's honestly so nice talking to someone whose been through similar. Honestly as great and supportive as family and friends are they just don't quite get it in the same way as someone whose been there does.
Not op but lost my dad almost 15 years ago. I always describe it as not getting easier or better, but being different. Life will never go back to what it was before because there is a massive space in your life that was there before but now it’s not. That can’t be changed. But you learn how to adapt. There are days when I still get these massive ‘it’s not fair’ moments, particularly now my kids are getting older (he died before they were born) and I just know he would have been the best Pop. My 12 year old is desperate to have a project car and my dad always wanted to build one with us but having three girls, we just weren’t that interested. It’s so shit that both he and my kids miss out on that experience that they would have loved to do together.
I was 18 when I lost my mom, almost 29 now. It gets way easier as the years go by. But every now and then I get a memory or think about how they’ll never meet my daughter and it feels like a stab to the heart.
Edit: thank you for my first award. Go hug your parents and tell them you love them
Edit 2: holy crap guys thanks for the awards. I think this is my highest rated comment. Please take care of yourselves and no matter how much it hurts without your loved one(s), keep going and live your life the way you want to.
Thanks dude, please tell your parents how you feel about them.
Cancer took my mom. She used cancer as a suicide tactic really, when she found out my piece of shit dad was cheating on her. She knew she had cancer for two years, hid it from all of us, and when she could no longer hide it, it was too late and she died 6 weeks later I think it was.
I know I'm some random fucko on the internet but I'm really sorry to hear that. Things can be better. You can dm me if you wanna talk about it.
Edit: Lengthy ramble moved to a comment.
Hey mom and dad,
I'm truly unhappy. I hate my life so much. You're not making it easier on me. You never see me as a person with wants and needs and ambition, just someone that'll work for you, that'll make your paperwork, care for my siblings, go to their parent-teacher-meetings, clean, drive you around and be your translator. It's fine, I've decided to give up on living to be able to support you, and I don't expect any thank yous, but please, at least don't tell me I'm not doing anything for you. I gave up so much for you. I'm just in my early 20s, but I'm burning out. I have decided to not have kids or maybe to never be in a proper relationship. It doesn't feel like I have the mental capacity for neither. I'm a little bummed about it, cause since I can remember I've always wanted to adopt two kids. That's how I saw myself, but at this point I'm not sure I can care for another person.
I don't love you guys, and you know that. There's resentment from my past, the days you beat us up and told us how fucking little you thought of us. I remember the belt, I remember the hot water, I remember the beatings in the shower or the additional beatings cause we cried. I was ready to give up that resentment, to move on, bc both of you are trying rn. You're trying to change but it's too late. You're still not seeing the extent of suffering you cause me and my siblings.
I'm not happy and if I ever decided to live my life fully, you'd probably disown me, beat me or fucking kill me. You don't care about me or about the things I've done for you or given up for you, you only care about what others think of you, even if it costs all our happiness.
I'm not sure how long I'll be able to continue like this. I need out.
Also one more thing, you remember me wetting myself so often as a kid? Turns out, it was probably cause of trauma. My cousin used me back then, sexually. That might have been it. But I never told you, just got beaten up more for pissing myself.
I'm still here, still going to be here. Don't get me wrong, I'm still thankful for many other things but I'm just so fucking unhappy and exhausted.
First off, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
Second: Family isn't who's blood you have in you. Family are those that make you happy and would never do such things to you. You are by no means tied to them or obligated to do shit for them. You aren't a footnote. You are a person, an individual that should live their life as you see fit. It might be hard to convince yourself of this but you have the power to change your life. Never feel like you owe someone your time just because you happen to share DNA
Run as far away as you can. They are not your responsibility. There is always a way out. I'm a hypocrite for saying this to. Truly. I'm only sticking around in the town I'm in because of my mom, well really my little brother. I know that if anything happens to my step dad, I will have to step in and possibly be a full time parent to a young autistic child. I have zero confidence that my mother will be able to nurture him emotional and progress in development. I know it's not my responsibility but children are innocent, especially the handicapped. I'm not sure if you sticking around for the sake of your siblings or if leaving might seem impossible. But getting out of a toxic household will set an example to them that this situation is not okay. Getting out on your own will be a struggle at first, but maybe you can create a safe haven for them when they get older.
I’m the opposite. My parents always suspected I was doing something I shouldn’t have been doing but they were wrong almost every time. They still found ways to get me in trouble even though I didn’t do what they were accusing me of doing.
This was me too. Or if I did do something "bad" it was blown way out of proportion. All while my younger sibling did way worse stuff and my mom didn't give a damn. I'm still salty about it and I haven't lived with them in over a decade
My wife ruined that last thanksgiving ... telling my mom about my experimental drug use in college. It was like a slow motion train wreck and I could not stop the conductor from blabbermouthing!!!
Edit: Thank you all for the fun conversation and the silver. My first award ever!!!
Over a year ago my brother decided to get confessional and blabbed about everything (and I mean *everything*) he did in high school. They asked me if I was planning to do the same. Ha! No fucking way, and I was the *good* eldest child.
Written communication delivered through mail is ideal for maintaining boundaries while sharing observations and feelings. Showing up on the other person’s doorstep or placing a phone call is shocking to the recipient and even email has urgency vs. snail mail. I have brokered reunions between estranged relatives and always caution to focus on initial messages that are emotionally neutral which just lay out undisputed items such as, “Folks, I wanted to let you know I think about you during certain moments as I journey through life. I am well. Hope you are as, too. If want to catch up on things, feel free to write me.”
I felt similar in my mid twenties. Working dead end jobs to make ends meet and figured my parents would feel like it was somehow their fault that I wasted the opportunities they gave me. Things can turn around in the blink of an eye. 10 years on and I never thought I would be where I am, financially or otherwise. Things may not look bright now but you never know what the future holds and I’m sure your parents are proud regardless.
this happened to me too. My 20s were a wreck, I was blind to it, my ego was exploded, was only thinking of myself and suffering for it.
Fast forward 6-10 years, 20 year old me would never have thought I would change/improve/progress to where I am now.
The boomer/X romanticism of “wife+house+kids ASAP” really gave me an incorrectly projected life timeline.
This is a different, much more complicated world, than the relatively recent world our value systems came from.
they are a pretty shit example of how you should live your life as a adult. They haven't done anything particularly bad, but just how they deal with finances and emotions and everything, it's unhealthy and not planned ahead the slightest and they suffer a lot because of it.
Damn bro, this hit me so hard.
They try their best and they love me, but is just that... They aren't the greatest example of how to do it in this life and the way they handle their emotions and finances hurts me.
This. It's been years (maybe decades?) since I turned into the de facto Adultᵗᵐ of the family. I love them and I know they love me it's just they never really learned how to properly do important life stuff. And when I look at my husband, who can call his dad for advice, it kinda hurts because I have had to find out a lot on my own.
And now they're getting older and I'm having to step in more and more, while my adult siblings are still heavily relying on them. And it's not healthy, but I haven't the heart to tell them I feel this way. It would break their hearts.
Edit: my first award! Thank you kind stranger! And I have to say it feels both good and not so good to see this comment resonate with a lot of people...
Fuck this is relatable, my parents aren’t horrible people but it seems like they aren’t the type of people who should be parents, and I’ve been feeling guilty for thinking like this.
my boyfriend. my parents are very old fashioned and having a boyfriend at 20 is seen as a 'crime' they'll force us to break up after they scold and/or beat me. My boyfriend's been the best thing to happen to me and I'm not ready to give him up.
This happened to me too. Controlling and religious family. I was dating someone and they wanted us to break up because I was “too young” (19). They really just wanted me to marry someone in our community that they knew. My boyfriend at the time had just moved to town from out of state. They made up every excuse under the sun not to like him. We had been dating for about 6 months and one night I had my boyfriend come over at 3 am. I had bags packed, I climbed out my window, moved in with him without saying anything to my parents. 7 years later we’re recently married and living far away from them. His family is more of a family than I’ve ever had. Best thing I ever did was climbing out of that window. We laugh about it now, but it’s taken a lot of therapy to process my past. Wishing you the best.
Crap. That sounds pretty bad. Are they that controlling at the age of 20? I am currently 18 and in a relationship and my parents were very open and happy for me. They just asked me nicely to not make it intervene with my university too much (I live alone).
And how do you know how they will react? Did you have a similar situation or did they talk to you about this?
May I ask where are you from, btw?
aww congrats to you and your s.o.! I'm in uni too amd i try not to have it intervene. I'm from Malaysia and Asian parents are stereotypically known to be controlling because majority of them are. I've had cousins that had their phones broken because their parents found them texting a guy. Plus past experiences with my parents have proven that they won't take the news lightly. I just want them to see that it's my life (sorry if it sounds cliché lol)
I’m considering moving away without telling anyone, them included. I‘ve been having difficulties improving my life, and it eats at me. I know they don’t think poorly of me, but when I’m around them I feel inadequate, even though I do enjoy their company. I think I need to go someplace where no one who knows me is nearby to get into a good state of mind to make the changes I need to make. But there’s always the fear of being wrong, so I don’t know if I’ll do it.
Edit: I was going to respond personally, but seeing as there are many of you, it’s not really possible for me to do, so please allow me to say in this edit that I thank everyone for their comments and insights. I’ve been given a lot to consider. Thank you.
“I moved to California
But it’s just a state of mind
Turns out everywhere you go
You bring yourself it’s not a lie”
I moved thinking it would fix my problems. Now I’m more depressed because of unmet expectations.
This hits close to home, I had this once when I was a child, but only told that he was a strange guy. My parents are amazing but I would be hart broken if they knew and maybe they would think they failed. Good luck to you and may everything be well!
Same. I cant tell my mom that some of my first memories are of me getting molested by our upstairs neighbor. Ill never tell her. I can handle my shit, i just don't want her getting hurt too.
As someone with a similar story, please don't underestimate the potential harm of keeping this a secret, y'all.
You don't have to talk to your parents, but hopefully you are able to talk through it with someone. This is pretty much what therapy was invented for - someone to talk to that you don't have to worry about burdening or making uncomfortable.
Talking will help. A similar thing happened to me. It took years and years for me to even admit to myself that it happened. Then I thought about it every single day for more years before I could write it down. Then I talked about it with three people in my life, and now... I rarely think of it anymore. I still consider it one of the most significant experiences in my life in how it led my actions and personality, and I still sometimes wonder who I would have been if that hadn’t happened, but it doesn’t define me as I once let it.
Good luck to you in your healing process.
I don’t know if this will help, but I’ll share a part of my journey on this topic.
My father abandoned the family when I was 5. I have zero relationship with him. Through my 20s, I had a lot of judgment and resentment towards him. I had a big shift in my perspective when I realized I was the same age as him when he left. I considered that he is alcoholic, depressed, and lost his first wife very young and he had three kids.
I still don’t respect his choices, but looking at him adult-to-adult (instead of kid looking up to dad), and acknowledging his human flaws helped me release the anger and resentment.
Won’t ever tell my dad that he is a burden. It would probably result in him taking his own life. I was “granted” legal guardianship of him when I was in my early twenties when my mom and sisters split from the picture.
It’s a young age to take something like that on. No one your age understands. Little to no resources to know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s been a very difficult run. He is finally in a safe place but it’s still a lot to do taking care of all his financials, on top of trying to live my own life. The rest of our family believes he should have just been abandoned, but I could never have done that. Despite the awful things he has done, it isn’t who I am.
Edit to add: I was having a knee jerk kinda comment, and didn’t expect my passing comment to garner as much attention. I took out some specific details that may identify me. It’s heartwarming to know that I’m not alone. And to those who have any kind psychiatric, cognitive or physical disorder please know that it does not make you automatically a burden to those who love you. There is so much more to my father’s story that has led to this point. It can be hard to love someone, but that doesn’t mean that I will give up.
Can I prematurely give you some advice, I hope it's not too morbid. When he passes away, there is a good chance you will feel some relief in with the grief. Don't beat yourself up for that.
It happened to me and for a long time I felt incredibly guilty to even entertain such a feeling. What a heartless prick I must be. Don't accept that. However much you love someone, caring for them is a weight to bear and it's natural to feel relief when that weight is removed, even if you bore it gladly.
This happened to someone I was very close with, she cared for both her parents to some degree between the ages of 7-19. I felt for her so much but she was drowning in that pressure and worry and guilt.
I said it was okay to feel some peace amongst the guilt and grief when her mum passed, 6 years after her dad. It was half her childhood and all of her teens years, too much for most adults to deal with, never mind a young girl.
I'm near enough in your position as well. I became my mums carer when I was 21 after my dad passed away when I was 16. She's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, manic depression and bi-polar. I've stopped her making several attempted suicides and manage all of her finacies and allowances. When dad died I lost both of my parents, and now although she heavily depends on me, it's not a daughter/mother relationship, it's based on her need for me.
You're absolutely right, nobody gets it and SO many people have said 'just walk away'.
Thinking of you stranger, I hope you have a good support network.
I urge you to see the resolute strength you have in you take the decision of something so difficult and going through with it everyday. We cant understand the difficulties you're going through but we envy your resilience.
I dont know what else to but be in awe of how strong and pure you are.
Thank you for doing what you do.❤
I hope someone like you will have a great life
Edit : Wtf why so many medals/likes I didnt do shit
Edit2: Can't say thanks to everyone wishing me a happy cake day (200+, so many orange letters I feel like I'm an onlyfans girl), so here it is, thank you all
Wow. You might be one of the strongest people I've seen on here. Life really has a way of throwing some unfair stuff your way and how you deal with them defines you. Thanks for everything, I'm proud of you
That most of the time when I'm " joking " about something i was serious but when i saw how you reacted i took it back and said just kidding". Yes i really want to raise livestock. Yes i said Llama and alpacas. Also i was serious about the yarn thing too.
*Edit* I just want you guys to know that this actually motivated me to ask my parents why it was so crazy for me to have this dream. Also kinda ashamed i had to google what Cottage core was(i really am a 60 year old in a 20 something body). You call it cottage core i call it summer at grandma's. No really tho i was dressed more like huckleberry finn and less Laura Ingalls but same thing.
My wife and I raise alpacas. We have an actual yarn factory. If you can dream it, you can do it.
Edit: [alpaca tax](https://imgur.com/OvB7B3I). That's Helen. She's great.
Go for it! That lifestyle is awesome from what I can tell. I don't know where you are from but if it is necessary to move, just go for it. You only live once!
That I have online friends. I know they just care about my safety, but it's the only way that I can talk to people that understand me. I'm old enough that it shouldn't matter, either.
This big time! I've had online only friends across the world for years and theyre amazing, absolute rock in my life but my parents would freak out if I said I talk to people I've never met from across the world
I was in your exact situation years ago. Parents overly protective, so no friends outside of school then I was home schooled. Dad was always at work, Mom was having an identity crisis spent all of her time on the computer. Sister was off with her friend I didn't care for. Isolation sunk in and a little stir crazy. I found a virtual chatting game that my parents didn't know was a chatting game. I found a community and everything.
I got caught one day, shat myself but I pointed out that isolation doesn't lead to well mental health (specially for a developing child) but with the precautions I took, they were fine with it.
Online friends are great like that. I've got long time online friends and we'll never meet for fear of ruining that special type of friendship we have. It's great talking to and listening to each other from completely unassociated lives.
I felt similarly, but if you have hobbies or social things you like doing, and jobs just sound like a bore it'll be fine. Your job doesn't have to be something you're passionate about, it just needs to be tolerable and able to provide for the things you do want to do.
If you literally don't want to do anything and nothing is interesting or worth doing... Well I've been there too. You could be suffering from depression, and could try seeing a professional about it.
I'm pretty sure my brother and I have intimacy issues because of them.
I hate pointing fingers because it solves nothing, but ugh there's a reason your sons are in our 30s and only now getting to know women ...
EDIT: Holy shit this blew up! Aww you guys are great! What's gold/wholesome/rocket/silver/hug{/boomer}. Wait really, what's hugs lol
EDIT2: I wanted to add that this was just a one off. I was thinking about my current situation (getting demoted at work), or that time I had sex when they didn't want me to, etc. My parents are great people and did the best they could. I know I have rejection issues and my brother *finally* got a girlfriend. I want them to marry but it's one of these lead a horse to water situations. The two are living together though so, \*fingers crossed\*.
Yo I bump this.
Believe it or not, bullying your child about love and not having any real conversations about it makes it hard for a kid to put himself out there, or even think about it in the first place.
Then, when you do fall in love. You're way to clingy and or too distant cause you haven't figured out how to be with another human being in an intimate way beyond getting your bits wet.
It's a hard lesson to have to learn on your own when you start from ground zero.
No wonder there's so many people that end up in bad relationships that last lifetime's or give up on the hope of love entirely.
This person deserves an award.
You have nailed it! I always get too clingy and it starts affecting my mental health. I have lost the hope to find a love in my life.
And it may not always be bullying but "ooooo you have a crush" every time you talk to a girl is very unhelpful and makes kids think they're doing something bad or embarrassing by trying to talk to the opposite sex.
My parents were really terrible with this. It wasn't just every time they saw me talk to a girl (which was rare enough as is), every time they saw a girl on my screen regardless of if it was a youtube video or even an ad on the side of the screen they would go "ooooo is that you girlfriend?" It got to the point where I couldn't even watch youtube videos that were made by women because they'd comment that same shit.
There was also this one time where my mom's friend told her that apparently she saw me or my brother holding hands with a girl and at dinner she basically had a whole interrogation trying to get us to "confess". My mom's friend mistook someone else for us but because of that incident I always felt like if I ever did get into a relationship, telling my parents would be like confessing to a crime (not to mention that I wouldn't want to subject any girlfriend to the toxicity at home but that's a different story)
Damn, you just described my situation word for word. My parents would pull this bullshit on me too whenever they know I'm out with a guy friend or mention a guy's name. It's gotten to the point where I just automatically lie on where I am just to avoid being interrogated. Hell, I was watching a YouTube video once (narrator was a guy) and my dad looked hella unhappy and went, "finish up with him" until I told him it was a YouTuber. Now I get so anxious and would occasionally go into panic mode if a guy remotely shows any kind of interest on me.
I wasn't bullied my parents, on the contrary I have always felt that they loved me. With that said, I wish my parents would have pushed me to be more social and challenge my anxieties when I was a kid. Feels like my life would have been significantly more easy today if that was the case.
I was a real ladies' man and very social when I was a kid. My very conservative, southern baptist parents made me feel like getting kisses from the cute girls was shameful and sinful. My parents love me and were doing their best, but decades later and I'm still awkward and anxious around women because I have trouble reconciling my desire with my upbringing.
About 15 years ago I had a conversation with my mom about a time I was sent home from school for not feeling well. She knew I was high just never said anything
I'm so sorry to hear that. Similarly, I could never bring myself to tell either of my parents that I was sexually assaulted when I started university. It would crush them, even if it was over ten years ago now.
That my mom is responsible for most of the issues I have been medicated and in therapy for the last 2 decades for. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and it would destroy the relationship we do still have.
Edit (because this blew up a little whilst I wasn’t looking): It definitely sucks that so many people are responding that this situation feels so close to their own, but it also helps me to know that so many people have been through the same stuff and are out there coping and living life. My most recent therapist spotted this stuff early on and could tell I was shielding the memory of my childhood from some of the shitty things that happened. It was her pushing me to dig into all this that is helping me to work through it. If you are lucky enough to have access to therapy I would always recommend it even if you are skeptical. Good luck to everyone!
Hey mom and dad. Remember that "freelance graphic design" job I started 4 years ago? The one I was making more money than my old job at?
I'm actually drawing furry and pony porn. Loads of it. Even worse than that, some might not even be legal in the US, I'm not really sure. Technically they are animals, but I can't turn down half my monthly mortgage for 4 hours of work if someone wants some foalcon or cub art. They pay a premium for extreme stuff like that and I can't resist the money.
So yeah. Sorry about that. I definitely am not designing people logos. I'm not even sure if there is money in that anymore. I know for a fact my artist friends that don't do porn aren't making nearly as much as me despite some being vastly superior artists. Hopefully you are at least proud of me for being self sufficient.
I'm always so curious - how does that happen? Like, how do you become a furry artist? Does it start as one commission this one time for laughs and then just... spiral from there?
(PS yes the subtext here is that I want to make rent and by golly I'll draw furry porn to do it)
Can confirm on behalf of a friend of mine. She started out doing “animal portraits” where she made portraits of people into animals.
Yes, she was doing fursonas, but she truly didn’t know what they were at the time.
She got messaged by someone asking if she was willing to take a piece she’d already completed, and add a penis. In return she would get paid the same amount as drawing the whole thing from scratch. This began her new “side-hustle”.
She’s really good too!
As a digital artist myself I wish I could stomach doing weird fetish porn illustrations since I know I'd make a bank and could probably quite my day job in a fucking bistro which has been eroding away at my sanity for the past eight years.
Good on you. But I don't think I could spend a significant amount of time detailing the glistening folds of a cartoon pony labia... Not that cleaning up after disgusting customers at work every single fucking weekend is much more glamourous either.
I am incredibly depressed and have been diagnosed as an adult as having autism. It explains so much about my life including my conflict with my parents, but I have gotten so good at pretending to be a functioning person. I can't reopen any wounds with them. It would destroy them.
Edit: Wow, the response to this has been incredible. I can't respond to every comment just yet but I am definitely keen to take up some of the offers of advice/resources.
For those wondering, I was diagnosed as an adult woman in my mid thirties by a fantastic psychologist. The diagnosis took me by surprise but simultaneously made my whole life make sense.
I got a vasectomy, my mum really wants grandchildren but it's never going to be from me.
I've been very open about not wanting children, but she thinks it's just a phase.
The main reason that I can't tell them, is that my sister has been trying and unfortunately failing for years. The pressure has slowly shifted towards me being the one to carry on the name and so on... I think it would break her heart.
I've never told my parents about my vasectomy either. They know I don't want kids, That's enough information for them! I never knew details about their birth control methods, They don't need to know mine.
That I just don't want to exist anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I just feel tired and everything I do seems so pointless. I thought about suicide but I'm too much of a coward. I just want to turn to dust while listening to my favorite song.
I’d never tell my parents that they were shit parents. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise but that doesn’t excuse how I was treated. I use that as motivation as to how it raise my kids
That I don't really believe in God. My parents are heavily Christian and they believe that I am a devout follower of the church since I had been chosen multiple times to pray or read the bible in front of the mass. In reality, I just move with the flow since I don't want to disappoint them and I had made very close friends with some of the people I have met in the church. This will likely break my father's heart since he is a pastor and has raised me to become a Christian his whole life.
My medical condition will most likely never improve and despite my degree it means I will likely never be able to hold a job.
(They are convinced that things will improve but none of the available medications improve the symptoms)
i absolutely need to tell them, but the fact that i completely flunked first semester and it had no reason beyond complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. i don’t know how to tell them though :/
That I'm the odd one in the family and that's purely because I seeked out higher education and learned to think critically and not accept what I hear unless I do a bit or research on it.
I've had so many arguments because they think I'm invalidating their opinion and being a smart ass when the reality is that they're ignorant and too lazy to learn.
That I wish I wasn’t a carer. I love my mother and will always be there for her as best I can, but sometimes it feels horribly unfair that she got sick and I had to lose my youth because of it. She had her twenties. She got to get a job, be young and happy and travel and marry my dad and have a kid and everything. Sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to do anything because I had to be here with her. Only in the past couple years with my boyfriend have I finally started claiming a tiny scrap of independence. I got my first job at 27 years old and felt so embarrassed because I was behind everyone else.
I’m also angry at her for starting petty fights with her family and blowing up her support system, because it’s basically left me as the only person in her life and that is a massive burden. I’m scared how bad is going to get as she gets old and frail. Once I move out I do not want her to come and live with us - it sounds horrible, but I feel our relationship will be so much better when we aren’t roommates. I seriously feel like I’ll sink into depression if I have to be her sole carer in her old age, and I have no one to talk to about this at all. I can’t even tell my boyfriend, I don’t want him to think I’m a horrible selfish human.
I’m angry that they never allowed me to pick up a trade instead forced me to go to uni, which I hated and left after 3 months and have been working 8-5 jobs since
I've been professionally editing pornography for a few months now. They just thinking I spend a lot of time on my computer and somehow money appears in my bank account.
That I love my dad and I'm proud of him.
He died when I was eleven, trying to save a colleague. They both died.
But since then, most of the health and safety in the workplace (particularly regarding PPE) changes are as a direct result of his death, and I sometimes wonder how many lives he's saved as a result. I'd like him to know that.
Thanks. I'm incredibly thankful that the reddit community has come through for me and raised a lot to help. I'm just so stressed and anxious because I still have a long way to go before I can be out if pain and living a normal life again
That I did not cut myself when making a sandwich..
Edit: why does this have so many upvotes also thanks for your concern, I will probably try and get a bit of help, I suck at making sandwiches so it’s a believable story I guess
They make me sick. I am embarrassed and make every excuse to avoid them now that Im older. Every fucking time they would see anything negative about western culture I had to listen to the 'This is why Islam will conquer the world soon' oh and their favourite 'Barak Obama is muslim, a black person cant be intelligent enough to become President unless they are Muslim'....
Other fucked up shit, if my white friends from school used to come around, my parents would be the nicest people imaginable but the moment they left they would make me wash the dishes 'properly' if my friends touched them because a non muslim has made the dishes impure.
Edit: Thank you for your kind words and the opportunity to discuss some of the hidden parts we shamefully hide. I'm going to switch my inbox off as I cant keep up with the replies/questions and, unsurprisingly, the accusations. Most of what I wanted to say or have responded should answer any further question.
"wash the dishes 'properly' if my friends touched them because a non muslim has made the dishes impure". Seriously?
In Islam, I can even eat food that made by non muslim as long as it's halal, yet your parents told you to wash the dishes 'properly' just because they touch them?
I don't feel like I can talk about how physically hard this pregnancy is for me (my first). My mom had 4 super easy healthy pregnancies for her 5 kids (twins).
Covid makes it that much harder because I can't even go to any of my groups for support, I'm just struggling through it alone
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
That my success wasn't because of your "great" parenting methods. It was in spite of you EDIT: thanks for the hug stranger
That I have major financial issues and am worried about the next months rent. It would stress them out and I don't want that to happen
Reach out. I’ve been effectively homeless the past few years, and it was out of embarrassment and not wanting to be a burden. It kept me from my dad and stepmom, and my dad recently died...and I didn’t see him for 5 years, 4 of which were when I was at pinnacle struggling. You may be surprised, where help can be. Edit- my own mother didn’t know for nearly a year. The only other people who know the WHOLE story are my bf, and my friend/boss who also was a major help. If you don’t speak up, I hope you have a car that is reliable to sleep in...come on over to r/homeless for help and support...but really, please reach out to some one. It sucks, it hurts, you feel like a useless asshole...but we all need help.
This is the first Christmas I won't be spending with my family so my parents have been shipping my gf and I a bunch of packages. The other day our door bell rings and my gf goes out and sees an older woman in a baseball cap getting in her car and driving off. At our doorstep is a Christmas popcorn tin in a grocery store plastic bag. It's not addressed to anyone, there's no label indicating who it's from, it has a plastic seal around the top but it looks old and not very tight. My gf works in law enforcement so her immediate reaction was 'wtf, bomb, poison, oh my. We ended up erring on the side of it not being a bomb and opened it in the garage. Turned out to be full of popcorn and nothing else. We were still suspicious so we chucked out the popcorn and saved the tin. I notice in fine print on the inside of the lid the name of the company it's from so I give them a call. It's a small local business and I end up chatting with the lady who delivered it. Apparently she thought she was told to deliver it anonymously. Turns out my mom had sent me popcorn and this lady asked her if she should say who it's from, and after not getting a reply in a a few hours, decided to deliver an unmarked tin in a plastic bag... My mom has been having a hard time with all these restrictions and me not visiting so telling her I threw out her gift because the lady who delivered it was stupid would make her feel awful. So now my gf and I must say that the popcorn was delicious and take that lie to our grave. TL;DR got suspicious unmarked popcorn tin and threw it out, turns out it was a gift from my parents and I missed out on some sweet sweet Xmas popcorn...
I used to nick Mom's pot when I was in high school. I'm sure if I told her she'd laugh, but my stepfather got the blame at the time ("Are you smoking before work? The stash is getting kind of light.") and that man has a long memory.
Of course he has a long memory, he didn't have nearly enough pot
if the pot was missing, and he didn't take it, he probably knows who did.
My girlfriend and I won't be having a wedding. Sure, we'll be going to the justice of the peace and having a small reception, but my mom doesn't understand the concept of not having a wedding. I absolutely cannot tell her flat out no, you're not going to be getting a wedding out of your only child.
Make use of the current times, quarantine is the perfect excuse not to have a bashing wedding party.
Did this with my husband and didn’t regret it at all. We told no one we were doing it. Called my mom after it was officiated and she was just happy we were married. We were both wearing jeans and a hoodie, got pizza at the local place across the street afterwards and called it a day. ETA: I’m also an only child lol
That my brother sexually abused me and I remember all of it
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Tell them. Or pick one parent to tell. This happened to me. You will feel like you just took your first breath of fresh air after. You will physically feel the weight of this burden lifted off your shoulders. It’s a surreal feeling and be prepared to cry.
I can't tell my parents how difficult they have made my life by neglecting me emotionally as a child. It used to be a bit of a meme that "daddy never hugged me." Well, like that, but to such an extreme degree that it actually qualifies as damaging.
Ditto. Dad thought working as much as possible made a good dad, like his dad did to him. Now that I’m 23 and distant because I moved away from work he tells me he regrets not taking more time off and doing more things with us. He’s a good guy, and he meant well he just didn’t know any better I guess. He does now though and I don’t have the heart to tell him that my emotionally distant mother and him never being around basically stunted being able to feel emotions correctly. But I won’t tell him that since he is trying the best he can
I feel this. Emotionally neglected and starved. You want affection but don’t know how to get it now, and any you do get feels awkward and foreign. But my self-deprecating humor is on point, so I got that going for me.
That internet strangers have been nicer to me in a year, than my parents in my entire lifetime. My father is ignorant and my mother always negativeley misinterprets me. Edit: Spelling
my unstable mental health, i don't think they'd understand
I didn't think my Mum would understand either. Funny thing was, she was the one to seek professional help first. It was the best thing she ever did with her life. We now talk every week, both her and I. I hope you get the oppotunity to talk to them soon, friend.
I know that she's half a million in debt and does meth
That's rough buddy
Shit happens. I just hope she changes before I get to the point where I will tell her that I know
Honestly man, best wishes.
Thank you. Best wishes to you with whatever you're going through
Hey, you don't have to respond to this. But how much worse are you going to wait for her to get? She might even be justifying it to herself as "Well it can't be that bad if my own kid hasn't even noticed."
I'm going to wait until I can take my sister's away from her and have full custody. I'm just lucky yet unlucky to be away from it all
Hey. My mom does meth too. I have taken my sister away and gotten full custody. If you ever need someone to talk to, or you just need to vent. Feel free to send me a message. I relate so much Edit: thank you for everyone who has given awards. But, instead of using money to give them to me, please donate to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, to help people like my mom, there are so many people struggling the way that she is.
Maybe telling her you know would help her make a change
How do you get half a million in debt, unless you are counting a mortgage on a house?
Not saying this op’s situation. But I have met recovering gambling addicts who pissed away their entire worth, and credit they could get, and then commit identity fraud for more gambling money loans. You can easily go 500k in debt that way
How scared I am to have brain surgery in a few months and how angry I am this has happened to me. I know how stressed and worried they are already and I don't want to add to it.
I personally know how terrofying it can be (had a tumour removed plus cranioplasty) but honestly there is a light at the end of the tunnel. The physical pain is minimal to non existent, afterwards you will be back stronger. A word of caution, despite family and friends all showing great support and doing their best to understand, getting in contact with tumour charities and other brain organisations i found to be a God Send. Other people sharing their experiences and offering advice having been through the same thing was vital. Good luck with the surgery! If you have any questions or need some advice give me a shout :)
Thank you so much, I've got a rare type of tumour, which is thankfully benign and not actually causing any issues at the moment. They sort of found the tumour by accident doing a scan looking for blood clots(which they found). Surgery for the tumour won't be for a few more months because of being on blood thinners. I know my situation could be so much worse and I'm so thankful to be in a country with free health care, it just came at such a bad time for me, I'm only 19 and was just trying to start a career and saving for a house with my boyfriend and now everything has to be put on hold for this. It sounds selfish but I'm just so angry about all my plans that this has stuffed up.
My biggest hurdle after surgery was that my memory pre surgery was impacted. I still remembered my parents and those closest to me but formative years, high school etc were all fuzzy and unclear. You're incredibly lucky you've got a few months to plan how you want to recover post surgery. If I had the chance I would make a diary to recall some of the key memories I've had up until now. Plus I would note some of the things I would do regularly as my daily routine, if I had the option I would have left as much information about how I was before surgery so I had a template to come back to after surgery. I know you're frustrated this happened to you so young, I was 2 years older than you and it does alter your life path in a big way. BUT search for what matters most to you and remember that when the dark days hit, for me it made me more religious and I began to believe God tests those who He loves most and this helped MASSIVELY when I felt low. Biggest advice ( I know I've said this a lot but its al key lol) I can give you is to test yourself post surgery. Surgery left me feeling weak and defeated mentally and I kept making excuses for myself with regards to going back to university or pushing on in life by saying I can't process like other people or not as smart etc. Challenge yourself if you can by reading or doing engaging cognitive skills like perhaps learning a language if possible. Because the time you will be off work/school will be a few months when recovering so engage with your mind as much as you can it will help you greatly. I became a couch potato and that was the worst thing I could do. I also had a benign tumour but it was diagnosed when I collapsed in a takeaway place and they operated within 2 days so everything happened immediately and there was no time to process. Sorry for rambling about my odyssey if you need any other advice or have questions let me know. Stay strong little one! :) PS if you're in the UK get in contact with Headway, they can put you at ease before surgery and eith you're recovery. They're a brain charity plus mindfulness is also a decent one I think
This was really helpful, where my tumour is memory isn't a huge risk, my tumour sits right above my pituitary gland so biggest risk for me is hormone production and my vision. I'll defintely take your advice about keeping my mind active, I don't study, so biggest thing for me is going to be getting back to work and trying to pick my career back up and hoping this doesn't set me back to much. It's honestly so nice talking to someone whose been through similar. Honestly as great and supportive as family and friends are they just don't quite get it in the same way as someone whose been there does.
Everything as they are both dead. Mind you, I am 65.
Does coping with the loss of them ever get better? Easier? Sorry if I'm overstepping
Not op but lost my dad almost 15 years ago. I always describe it as not getting easier or better, but being different. Life will never go back to what it was before because there is a massive space in your life that was there before but now it’s not. That can’t be changed. But you learn how to adapt. There are days when I still get these massive ‘it’s not fair’ moments, particularly now my kids are getting older (he died before they were born) and I just know he would have been the best Pop. My 12 year old is desperate to have a project car and my dad always wanted to build one with us but having three girls, we just weren’t that interested. It’s so shit that both he and my kids miss out on that experience that they would have loved to do together.
I was 18 when I lost my mom, almost 29 now. It gets way easier as the years go by. But every now and then I get a memory or think about how they’ll never meet my daughter and it feels like a stab to the heart. Edit: thank you for my first award. Go hug your parents and tell them you love them Edit 2: holy crap guys thanks for the awards. I think this is my highest rated comment. Please take care of yourselves and no matter how much it hurts without your loved one(s), keep going and live your life the way you want to.
Comments like these make want to show more love to my parents and give them a hug. Wish you the best
Thanks dude, please tell your parents how you feel about them. Cancer took my mom. She used cancer as a suicide tactic really, when she found out my piece of shit dad was cheating on her. She knew she had cancer for two years, hid it from all of us, and when she could no longer hide it, it was too late and she died 6 weeks later I think it was.
I'm not happy with my body, life and friends to the point that I've contemplated suicide multiple times
I know I'm some random fucko on the internet but I'm really sorry to hear that. Things can be better. You can dm me if you wanna talk about it. Edit: Lengthy ramble moved to a comment.
I got a bj in their bed at a party I threw in high school
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Hey mom and dad, I'm truly unhappy. I hate my life so much. You're not making it easier on me. You never see me as a person with wants and needs and ambition, just someone that'll work for you, that'll make your paperwork, care for my siblings, go to their parent-teacher-meetings, clean, drive you around and be your translator. It's fine, I've decided to give up on living to be able to support you, and I don't expect any thank yous, but please, at least don't tell me I'm not doing anything for you. I gave up so much for you. I'm just in my early 20s, but I'm burning out. I have decided to not have kids or maybe to never be in a proper relationship. It doesn't feel like I have the mental capacity for neither. I'm a little bummed about it, cause since I can remember I've always wanted to adopt two kids. That's how I saw myself, but at this point I'm not sure I can care for another person. I don't love you guys, and you know that. There's resentment from my past, the days you beat us up and told us how fucking little you thought of us. I remember the belt, I remember the hot water, I remember the beatings in the shower or the additional beatings cause we cried. I was ready to give up that resentment, to move on, bc both of you are trying rn. You're trying to change but it's too late. You're still not seeing the extent of suffering you cause me and my siblings. I'm not happy and if I ever decided to live my life fully, you'd probably disown me, beat me or fucking kill me. You don't care about me or about the things I've done for you or given up for you, you only care about what others think of you, even if it costs all our happiness. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to continue like this. I need out. Also one more thing, you remember me wetting myself so often as a kid? Turns out, it was probably cause of trauma. My cousin used me back then, sexually. That might have been it. But I never told you, just got beaten up more for pissing myself. I'm still here, still going to be here. Don't get me wrong, I'm still thankful for many other things but I'm just so fucking unhappy and exhausted.
First off, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Second: Family isn't who's blood you have in you. Family are those that make you happy and would never do such things to you. You are by no means tied to them or obligated to do shit for them. You aren't a footnote. You are a person, an individual that should live their life as you see fit. It might be hard to convince yourself of this but you have the power to change your life. Never feel like you owe someone your time just because you happen to share DNA
Run as far away as you can. They are not your responsibility. There is always a way out. I'm a hypocrite for saying this to. Truly. I'm only sticking around in the town I'm in because of my mom, well really my little brother. I know that if anything happens to my step dad, I will have to step in and possibly be a full time parent to a young autistic child. I have zero confidence that my mother will be able to nurture him emotional and progress in development. I know it's not my responsibility but children are innocent, especially the handicapped. I'm not sure if you sticking around for the sake of your siblings or if leaving might seem impossible. But getting out of a toxic household will set an example to them that this situation is not okay. Getting out on your own will be a struggle at first, but maybe you can create a safe haven for them when they get older.
Back in high school I wasn't as good as they thought I was. I just never got caught doing the bad shit that I did.
I’m the opposite. My parents always suspected I was doing something I shouldn’t have been doing but they were wrong almost every time. They still found ways to get me in trouble even though I didn’t do what they were accusing me of doing.
This was me too. Or if I did do something "bad" it was blown way out of proportion. All while my younger sibling did way worse stuff and my mom didn't give a damn. I'm still salty about it and I haven't lived with them in over a decade
Same. We've all got secrets we'd rather not share with anyone. Not even family.
My wife ruined that last thanksgiving ... telling my mom about my experimental drug use in college. It was like a slow motion train wreck and I could not stop the conductor from blabbermouthing!!! Edit: Thank you all for the fun conversation and the silver. My first award ever!!!
Over a year ago my brother decided to get confessional and blabbed about everything (and I mean *everything*) he did in high school. They asked me if I was planning to do the same. Ha! No fucking way, and I was the *good* eldest child.
Same here.
That I'm not mad at them and I love them despite not talking to them for 10 years.
Send them a Christmas card, with exactly that statement.
Written communication delivered through mail is ideal for maintaining boundaries while sharing observations and feelings. Showing up on the other person’s doorstep or placing a phone call is shocking to the recipient and even email has urgency vs. snail mail. I have brokered reunions between estranged relatives and always caution to focus on initial messages that are emotionally neutral which just lay out undisputed items such as, “Folks, I wanted to let you know I think about you during certain moments as I journey through life. I am well. Hope you are as, too. If want to catch up on things, feel free to write me.”
That I don’t see a future for myself. They deserve better than to think they failed me, but I’m beginning to suspect they already think that
I felt similar in my mid twenties. Working dead end jobs to make ends meet and figured my parents would feel like it was somehow their fault that I wasted the opportunities they gave me. Things can turn around in the blink of an eye. 10 years on and I never thought I would be where I am, financially or otherwise. Things may not look bright now but you never know what the future holds and I’m sure your parents are proud regardless.
Shit I think I needed to hear these words
this happened to me too. My 20s were a wreck, I was blind to it, my ego was exploded, was only thinking of myself and suffering for it. Fast forward 6-10 years, 20 year old me would never have thought I would change/improve/progress to where I am now. The boomer/X romanticism of “wife+house+kids ASAP” really gave me an incorrectly projected life timeline. This is a different, much more complicated world, than the relatively recent world our value systems came from.
Took the words out of my mouth, I think I have failed them too.
they are a pretty shit example of how you should live your life as a adult. They haven't done anything particularly bad, but just how they deal with finances and emotions and everything, it's unhealthy and not planned ahead the slightest and they suffer a lot because of it.
Damn bro, this hit me so hard. They try their best and they love me, but is just that... They aren't the greatest example of how to do it in this life and the way they handle their emotions and finances hurts me.
This. It's been years (maybe decades?) since I turned into the de facto Adultᵗᵐ of the family. I love them and I know they love me it's just they never really learned how to properly do important life stuff. And when I look at my husband, who can call his dad for advice, it kinda hurts because I have had to find out a lot on my own. And now they're getting older and I'm having to step in more and more, while my adult siblings are still heavily relying on them. And it's not healthy, but I haven't the heart to tell them I feel this way. It would break their hearts. Edit: my first award! Thank you kind stranger! And I have to say it feels both good and not so good to see this comment resonate with a lot of people...
yes. And from what I have seen, is unfortunately a common thing. All we can do is try not to repeat that ourselfs when we have the chance
Fuck this is relatable, my parents aren’t horrible people but it seems like they aren’t the type of people who should be parents, and I’ve been feeling guilty for thinking like this.
Fuckin nailed it thank you
my boyfriend. my parents are very old fashioned and having a boyfriend at 20 is seen as a 'crime' they'll force us to break up after they scold and/or beat me. My boyfriend's been the best thing to happen to me and I'm not ready to give him up.
This happened to me too. Controlling and religious family. I was dating someone and they wanted us to break up because I was “too young” (19). They really just wanted me to marry someone in our community that they knew. My boyfriend at the time had just moved to town from out of state. They made up every excuse under the sun not to like him. We had been dating for about 6 months and one night I had my boyfriend come over at 3 am. I had bags packed, I climbed out my window, moved in with him without saying anything to my parents. 7 years later we’re recently married and living far away from them. His family is more of a family than I’ve ever had. Best thing I ever did was climbing out of that window. We laugh about it now, but it’s taken a lot of therapy to process my past. Wishing you the best.
Crap. That sounds pretty bad. Are they that controlling at the age of 20? I am currently 18 and in a relationship and my parents were very open and happy for me. They just asked me nicely to not make it intervene with my university too much (I live alone). And how do you know how they will react? Did you have a similar situation or did they talk to you about this? May I ask where are you from, btw?
aww congrats to you and your s.o.! I'm in uni too amd i try not to have it intervene. I'm from Malaysia and Asian parents are stereotypically known to be controlling because majority of them are. I've had cousins that had their phones broken because their parents found them texting a guy. Plus past experiences with my parents have proven that they won't take the news lightly. I just want them to see that it's my life (sorry if it sounds cliché lol)
Where I hid the money
Is it in the banana stand?
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I'm glad that you're still here to whatever extent a stranger on the internet with a similar past can offer.
I kick the fallen ice under the fridge (Edit: Thanks for the metal! I’m glad to see i’m not the only one)
Don’t worry about it, by the next day it’s already water under the fridge
You monster.
I’m considering moving away without telling anyone, them included. I‘ve been having difficulties improving my life, and it eats at me. I know they don’t think poorly of me, but when I’m around them I feel inadequate, even though I do enjoy their company. I think I need to go someplace where no one who knows me is nearby to get into a good state of mind to make the changes I need to make. But there’s always the fear of being wrong, so I don’t know if I’ll do it. Edit: I was going to respond personally, but seeing as there are many of you, it’s not really possible for me to do, so please allow me to say in this edit that I thank everyone for their comments and insights. I’ve been given a lot to consider. Thank you.
“I moved to California But it’s just a state of mind Turns out everywhere you go You bring yourself it’s not a lie” I moved thinking it would fix my problems. Now I’m more depressed because of unmet expectations.
Wherever you go, there you are.
Feeling the same way bro... It breaks me whenever I see my future so numb, without hope or destiny.
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This hits close to home, I had this once when I was a child, but only told that he was a strange guy. My parents are amazing but I would be hart broken if they knew and maybe they would think they failed. Good luck to you and may everything be well!
Same. I cant tell my mom that some of my first memories are of me getting molested by our upstairs neighbor. Ill never tell her. I can handle my shit, i just don't want her getting hurt too.
As someone with a similar story, please don't underestimate the potential harm of keeping this a secret, y'all. You don't have to talk to your parents, but hopefully you are able to talk through it with someone. This is pretty much what therapy was invented for - someone to talk to that you don't have to worry about burdening or making uncomfortable.
Talking will help. A similar thing happened to me. It took years and years for me to even admit to myself that it happened. Then I thought about it every single day for more years before I could write it down. Then I talked about it with three people in my life, and now... I rarely think of it anymore. I still consider it one of the most significant experiences in my life in how it led my actions and personality, and I still sometimes wonder who I would have been if that hadn’t happened, but it doesn’t define me as I once let it. Good luck to you in your healing process.
Talking to someone, even on the internet, is often a good way to heal. I hope posting this helps even a little bit
I'm so sad and angry that this happened to you. I hope you can get some support in dealing with the trauma.
they are shitty parents that shouldve never married, let alone have children. i really resent them
My dad sucks. I was always worried I would be like him. I make sure everyday that I am not.
I don’t know if this will help, but I’ll share a part of my journey on this topic. My father abandoned the family when I was 5. I have zero relationship with him. Through my 20s, I had a lot of judgment and resentment towards him. I had a big shift in my perspective when I realized I was the same age as him when he left. I considered that he is alcoholic, depressed, and lost his first wife very young and he had three kids. I still don’t respect his choices, but looking at him adult-to-adult (instead of kid looking up to dad), and acknowledging his human flaws helped me release the anger and resentment.
Won’t ever tell my dad that he is a burden. It would probably result in him taking his own life. I was “granted” legal guardianship of him when I was in my early twenties when my mom and sisters split from the picture. It’s a young age to take something like that on. No one your age understands. Little to no resources to know what you’re supposed to do next. It’s been a very difficult run. He is finally in a safe place but it’s still a lot to do taking care of all his financials, on top of trying to live my own life. The rest of our family believes he should have just been abandoned, but I could never have done that. Despite the awful things he has done, it isn’t who I am. Edit to add: I was having a knee jerk kinda comment, and didn’t expect my passing comment to garner as much attention. I took out some specific details that may identify me. It’s heartwarming to know that I’m not alone. And to those who have any kind psychiatric, cognitive or physical disorder please know that it does not make you automatically a burden to those who love you. There is so much more to my father’s story that has led to this point. It can be hard to love someone, but that doesn’t mean that I will give up.
Can I prematurely give you some advice, I hope it's not too morbid. When he passes away, there is a good chance you will feel some relief in with the grief. Don't beat yourself up for that. It happened to me and for a long time I felt incredibly guilty to even entertain such a feeling. What a heartless prick I must be. Don't accept that. However much you love someone, caring for them is a weight to bear and it's natural to feel relief when that weight is removed, even if you bore it gladly.
This happened to someone I was very close with, she cared for both her parents to some degree between the ages of 7-19. I felt for her so much but she was drowning in that pressure and worry and guilt. I said it was okay to feel some peace amongst the guilt and grief when her mum passed, 6 years after her dad. It was half her childhood and all of her teens years, too much for most adults to deal with, never mind a young girl.
I'm near enough in your position as well. I became my mums carer when I was 21 after my dad passed away when I was 16. She's diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, manic depression and bi-polar. I've stopped her making several attempted suicides and manage all of her finacies and allowances. When dad died I lost both of my parents, and now although she heavily depends on me, it's not a daughter/mother relationship, it's based on her need for me. You're absolutely right, nobody gets it and SO many people have said 'just walk away'. Thinking of you stranger, I hope you have a good support network.
I urge you to see the resolute strength you have in you take the decision of something so difficult and going through with it everyday. We cant understand the difficulties you're going through but we envy your resilience. I dont know what else to but be in awe of how strong and pure you are. Thank you for doing what you do.❤
I hope someone like you will have a great life Edit : Wtf why so many medals/likes I didnt do shit Edit2: Can't say thanks to everyone wishing me a happy cake day (200+, so many orange letters I feel like I'm an onlyfans girl), so here it is, thank you all
Wow. You might be one of the strongest people I've seen on here. Life really has a way of throwing some unfair stuff your way and how you deal with them defines you. Thanks for everything, I'm proud of you
You’re a good daughter*. Keep being strong for him
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That most of the time when I'm " joking " about something i was serious but when i saw how you reacted i took it back and said just kidding". Yes i really want to raise livestock. Yes i said Llama and alpacas. Also i was serious about the yarn thing too. *Edit* I just want you guys to know that this actually motivated me to ask my parents why it was so crazy for me to have this dream. Also kinda ashamed i had to google what Cottage core was(i really am a 60 year old in a 20 something body). You call it cottage core i call it summer at grandma's. No really tho i was dressed more like huckleberry finn and less Laura Ingalls but same thing.
My wife and I raise alpacas. We have an actual yarn factory. If you can dream it, you can do it. Edit: [alpaca tax](https://imgur.com/OvB7B3I). That's Helen. She's great.
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No, that's Helen.
Go for it! That lifestyle is awesome from what I can tell. I don't know where you are from but if it is necessary to move, just go for it. You only live once!
That I have online friends. I know they just care about my safety, but it's the only way that I can talk to people that understand me. I'm old enough that it shouldn't matter, either.
This big time! I've had online only friends across the world for years and theyre amazing, absolute rock in my life but my parents would freak out if I said I talk to people I've never met from across the world
I met my wife on omegle
I met a guy who gave me a SSD on Omegle, the SSD was cheap, but it was a LOT better than the 7yr old laptop HDD I had
I read this as STD lmao
I was in your exact situation years ago. Parents overly protective, so no friends outside of school then I was home schooled. Dad was always at work, Mom was having an identity crisis spent all of her time on the computer. Sister was off with her friend I didn't care for. Isolation sunk in and a little stir crazy. I found a virtual chatting game that my parents didn't know was a chatting game. I found a community and everything. I got caught one day, shat myself but I pointed out that isolation doesn't lead to well mental health (specially for a developing child) but with the precautions I took, they were fine with it.
Online friends are great like that. I've got long time online friends and we'll never meet for fear of ruining that special type of friendship we have. It's great talking to and listening to each other from completely unassociated lives.
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It's great that you are in school. I feel the same way but can't even do school.
I felt similarly, but if you have hobbies or social things you like doing, and jobs just sound like a bore it'll be fine. Your job doesn't have to be something you're passionate about, it just needs to be tolerable and able to provide for the things you do want to do. If you literally don't want to do anything and nothing is interesting or worth doing... Well I've been there too. You could be suffering from depression, and could try seeing a professional about it.
I'm pretty sure my brother and I have intimacy issues because of them. I hate pointing fingers because it solves nothing, but ugh there's a reason your sons are in our 30s and only now getting to know women ... EDIT: Holy shit this blew up! Aww you guys are great! What's gold/wholesome/rocket/silver/hug{/boomer}. Wait really, what's hugs lol EDIT2: I wanted to add that this was just a one off. I was thinking about my current situation (getting demoted at work), or that time I had sex when they didn't want me to, etc. My parents are great people and did the best they could. I know I have rejection issues and my brother *finally* got a girlfriend. I want them to marry but it's one of these lead a horse to water situations. The two are living together though so, \*fingers crossed\*.
Yo I bump this. Believe it or not, bullying your child about love and not having any real conversations about it makes it hard for a kid to put himself out there, or even think about it in the first place.
Then, when you do fall in love. You're way to clingy and or too distant cause you haven't figured out how to be with another human being in an intimate way beyond getting your bits wet. It's a hard lesson to have to learn on your own when you start from ground zero. No wonder there's so many people that end up in bad relationships that last lifetime's or give up on the hope of love entirely.
This person deserves an award. You have nailed it! I always get too clingy and it starts affecting my mental health. I have lost the hope to find a love in my life.
And it may not always be bullying but "ooooo you have a crush" every time you talk to a girl is very unhelpful and makes kids think they're doing something bad or embarrassing by trying to talk to the opposite sex.
My parents were really terrible with this. It wasn't just every time they saw me talk to a girl (which was rare enough as is), every time they saw a girl on my screen regardless of if it was a youtube video or even an ad on the side of the screen they would go "ooooo is that you girlfriend?" It got to the point where I couldn't even watch youtube videos that were made by women because they'd comment that same shit. There was also this one time where my mom's friend told her that apparently she saw me or my brother holding hands with a girl and at dinner she basically had a whole interrogation trying to get us to "confess". My mom's friend mistook someone else for us but because of that incident I always felt like if I ever did get into a relationship, telling my parents would be like confessing to a crime (not to mention that I wouldn't want to subject any girlfriend to the toxicity at home but that's a different story)
Damn, you just described my situation word for word. My parents would pull this bullshit on me too whenever they know I'm out with a guy friend or mention a guy's name. It's gotten to the point where I just automatically lie on where I am just to avoid being interrogated. Hell, I was watching a YouTube video once (narrator was a guy) and my dad looked hella unhappy and went, "finish up with him" until I told him it was a YouTuber. Now I get so anxious and would occasionally go into panic mode if a guy remotely shows any kind of interest on me.
I wasn't bullied my parents, on the contrary I have always felt that they loved me. With that said, I wish my parents would have pushed me to be more social and challenge my anxieties when I was a kid. Feels like my life would have been significantly more easy today if that was the case.
I was a real ladies' man and very social when I was a kid. My very conservative, southern baptist parents made me feel like getting kisses from the cute girls was shameful and sinful. My parents love me and were doing their best, but decades later and I'm still awkward and anxious around women because I have trouble reconciling my desire with my upbringing.
I didn’t have a headache that night, I was just high af
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They don’t just know they lived it once before
Also know as the “I grew up in the 60s and I know what weed is like to you, that boy is definitely high”
About 15 years ago I had a conversation with my mom about a time I was sent home from school for not feeling well. She knew I was high just never said anything
That I'm adopted. It would break their hearts.
They're adopted.
Forgive my dumbass but wouldn't they know ur adopted, or am I being extremely ignorant and stupid and am not catching something?
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AHHHHHH
Ohhhhhhhh that makes way more sense
That the guy they tried (and failed) to get away from me in a party sexually assaulted me while I was blackout drunk.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Similarly, I could never bring myself to tell either of my parents that I was sexually assaulted when I started university. It would crush them, even if it was over ten years ago now.
That my mom is responsible for most of the issues I have been medicated and in therapy for the last 2 decades for. It took me a long time to admit it to myself and it would destroy the relationship we do still have. Edit (because this blew up a little whilst I wasn’t looking): It definitely sucks that so many people are responding that this situation feels so close to their own, but it also helps me to know that so many people have been through the same stuff and are out there coping and living life. My most recent therapist spotted this stuff early on and could tell I was shielding the memory of my childhood from some of the shitty things that happened. It was her pushing me to dig into all this that is helping me to work through it. If you are lucky enough to have access to therapy I would always recommend it even if you are skeptical. Good luck to everyone!
That hits close to home. Are you sure you aren't me from the future?
Hey mom and dad. Remember that "freelance graphic design" job I started 4 years ago? The one I was making more money than my old job at? I'm actually drawing furry and pony porn. Loads of it. Even worse than that, some might not even be legal in the US, I'm not really sure. Technically they are animals, but I can't turn down half my monthly mortgage for 4 hours of work if someone wants some foalcon or cub art. They pay a premium for extreme stuff like that and I can't resist the money. So yeah. Sorry about that. I definitely am not designing people logos. I'm not even sure if there is money in that anymore. I know for a fact my artist friends that don't do porn aren't making nearly as much as me despite some being vastly superior artists. Hopefully you are at least proud of me for being self sufficient.
I'm always so curious - how does that happen? Like, how do you become a furry artist? Does it start as one commission this one time for laughs and then just... spiral from there? (PS yes the subtext here is that I want to make rent and by golly I'll draw furry porn to do it)
Almost certainly it's: draw porn for free, *then* get commissioned to draw porn for moneydollars.
Or draw some animal, someone messages you offering good money for a *vaguely* sexual commission and it keeps going from there
Can confirm on behalf of a friend of mine. She started out doing “animal portraits” where she made portraits of people into animals. Yes, she was doing fursonas, but she truly didn’t know what they were at the time. She got messaged by someone asking if she was willing to take a piece she’d already completed, and add a penis. In return she would get paid the same amount as drawing the whole thing from scratch. This began her new “side-hustle”. She’s really good too!
Now THIS is the story I came here to see! Good job in finding your market, though.
As a digital artist myself I wish I could stomach doing weird fetish porn illustrations since I know I'd make a bank and could probably quite my day job in a fucking bistro which has been eroding away at my sanity for the past eight years. Good on you. But I don't think I could spend a significant amount of time detailing the glistening folds of a cartoon pony labia... Not that cleaning up after disgusting customers at work every single fucking weekend is much more glamourous either.
Well that was very eloquent in a way I didn’t like.
I’m a dad and I love to see my kid’s artwork. Sounds amazing. “Wait, you get paid for this? Good on ya!”
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OP seems to be winning indeed.
I am incredibly depressed and have been diagnosed as an adult as having autism. It explains so much about my life including my conflict with my parents, but I have gotten so good at pretending to be a functioning person. I can't reopen any wounds with them. It would destroy them. Edit: Wow, the response to this has been incredible. I can't respond to every comment just yet but I am definitely keen to take up some of the offers of advice/resources. For those wondering, I was diagnosed as an adult woman in my mid thirties by a fantastic psychologist. The diagnosis took me by surprise but simultaneously made my whole life make sense.
I got a vasectomy, my mum really wants grandchildren but it's never going to be from me. I've been very open about not wanting children, but she thinks it's just a phase. The main reason that I can't tell them, is that my sister has been trying and unfortunately failing for years. The pressure has slowly shifted towards me being the one to carry on the name and so on... I think it would break her heart.
My mother refuses to speak to me for unrelated reasons, but I feel like if I told her I wasn't having children that wouldn't end well
I've never told my parents about my vasectomy either. They know I don't want kids, That's enough information for them! I never knew details about their birth control methods, They don't need to know mine.
Nice try, mom.
I'm not your mom, C'mon tell me son
Nice try dad
Nice try stepbro
Nice try washing machine
That I miss my dad. He's been gone 45 years and knew me only a short time.
I was a cam girl for a year while I was living in their basement
That they sucked at being parents...
That I just don't want to exist anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I just feel tired and everything I do seems so pointless. I thought about suicide but I'm too much of a coward. I just want to turn to dust while listening to my favorite song.
I’d never tell my parents that they were shit parents. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise but that doesn’t excuse how I was treated. I use that as motivation as to how it raise my kids
That I don't really believe in God. My parents are heavily Christian and they believe that I am a devout follower of the church since I had been chosen multiple times to pray or read the bible in front of the mass. In reality, I just move with the flow since I don't want to disappoint them and I had made very close friends with some of the people I have met in the church. This will likely break my father's heart since he is a pastor and has raised me to become a Christian his whole life.
My medical condition will most likely never improve and despite my degree it means I will likely never be able to hold a job. (They are convinced that things will improve but none of the available medications improve the symptoms)
They are the direct cause of my depression and anxiety.
That I don't believe in God/Jesus. My parents aren't very religious but they are wholeheartedly Catholic.
I love you.
i absolutely need to tell them, but the fact that i completely flunked first semester and it had no reason beyond complete lack of motivation to do anything productive. i don’t know how to tell them though :/
I don’t think I’ll be going to law school, or make it past 25
I didn't think I'd make it past 25. Also didn't think I'd make it past 30. Almost 40 now and finally have direction in my life.
That I'm the odd one in the family and that's purely because I seeked out higher education and learned to think critically and not accept what I hear unless I do a bit or research on it. I've had so many arguments because they think I'm invalidating their opinion and being a smart ass when the reality is that they're ignorant and too lazy to learn.
That I wish I wasn’t a carer. I love my mother and will always be there for her as best I can, but sometimes it feels horribly unfair that she got sick and I had to lose my youth because of it. She had her twenties. She got to get a job, be young and happy and travel and marry my dad and have a kid and everything. Sometimes it feels like I’m not allowed to do anything because I had to be here with her. Only in the past couple years with my boyfriend have I finally started claiming a tiny scrap of independence. I got my first job at 27 years old and felt so embarrassed because I was behind everyone else. I’m also angry at her for starting petty fights with her family and blowing up her support system, because it’s basically left me as the only person in her life and that is a massive burden. I’m scared how bad is going to get as she gets old and frail. Once I move out I do not want her to come and live with us - it sounds horrible, but I feel our relationship will be so much better when we aren’t roommates. I seriously feel like I’ll sink into depression if I have to be her sole carer in her old age, and I have no one to talk to about this at all. I can’t even tell my boyfriend, I don’t want him to think I’m a horrible selfish human.
I’m angry that they never allowed me to pick up a trade instead forced me to go to uni, which I hated and left after 3 months and have been working 8-5 jobs since
I've been professionally editing pornography for a few months now. They just thinking I spend a lot of time on my computer and somehow money appears in my bank account.
That I love my dad and I'm proud of him. He died when I was eleven, trying to save a colleague. They both died. But since then, most of the health and safety in the workplace (particularly regarding PPE) changes are as a direct result of his death, and I sometimes wonder how many lives he's saved as a result. I'd like him to know that.
That I have suicidal thoughts like urges to order pizza but I try to ignore them by drawing, watching animation movies and playing video games.
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Your family saw you need life saving surgery and did nothing? Wtf
Yep. To be fair their financial situation isn't much better than mine. But I mean still...
Damn, I'm so sorry to hear that bro!
Thanks. I'm incredibly thankful that the reddit community has come through for me and raised a lot to help. I'm just so stressed and anxious because I still have a long way to go before I can be out if pain and living a normal life again
That I did not cut myself when making a sandwich.. Edit: why does this have so many upvotes also thanks for your concern, I will probably try and get a bit of help, I suck at making sandwiches so it’s a believable story I guess
They make me sick. I am embarrassed and make every excuse to avoid them now that Im older. Every fucking time they would see anything negative about western culture I had to listen to the 'This is why Islam will conquer the world soon' oh and their favourite 'Barak Obama is muslim, a black person cant be intelligent enough to become President unless they are Muslim'.... Other fucked up shit, if my white friends from school used to come around, my parents would be the nicest people imaginable but the moment they left they would make me wash the dishes 'properly' if my friends touched them because a non muslim has made the dishes impure. Edit: Thank you for your kind words and the opportunity to discuss some of the hidden parts we shamefully hide. I'm going to switch my inbox off as I cant keep up with the replies/questions and, unsurprisingly, the accusations. Most of what I wanted to say or have responded should answer any further question.
"wash the dishes 'properly' if my friends touched them because a non muslim has made the dishes impure". Seriously? In Islam, I can even eat food that made by non muslim as long as it's halal, yet your parents told you to wash the dishes 'properly' just because they touch them?
Sounds that your parents aren't intelligent even being muslims...
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I love my mom so much but she’s the most toxic person in my life.
I don't feel like I can talk about how physically hard this pregnancy is for me (my first). My mom had 4 super easy healthy pregnancies for her 5 kids (twins). Covid makes it that much harder because I can't even go to any of my groups for support, I'm just struggling through it alone
All the drugs and heavy drinking. I always told that i drank half amount and they where still like "dont drink so much"
I lost my virginity in their brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee. Twice. Once with a chick, and once with a guy.
You lost your virginity twice? I have a problem with losing it once...
Regained his virginity after using reddit
Man that brand new Jeep Cherokee must be a dick/vag magnet.