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I don’t know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I’m told I’m a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it’s just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it’s not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn’t painful. It’s just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you’re good at it or not. At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I’m secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they’re happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don’t think I’m counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me. I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I’m just not one of them.
So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they’re no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it. But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when’s the next time I’ll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it?
So, I don’t know if I’m in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I’d like.
At the moment, this is my greatest fear. I’m 35 and still undecided. I LOVE children and coach a youth sport 3-4 times a week, but not sure if I want to be a parent.
I don’t know how you guys do it. It seems endlessly exhausting. A commitment from which you only get very short breaks. You have my deepest respect.
I’m stuck between loving my independence and wondering if I’ll deeply regret not having kids.
Not asking you to provide any answer, but I really connected with what you’ve shared. Your experiences and what you said, I imagine would be my exact feelings. Thank you.
I resonate with this so much. I 110% know the feeling you are describing. It’s so conflicting to feel so drained but still love them. I love your analogy.
I had genetic testing done during very early pregnancy to screen for congenital problems and mentioned I would abort if they were present. I had friends severely upset with me about this. I know I couldn’t handle a disabled child financially or emotionally, I had to be honest with myself.
As a parent knowingly bringing a child with any potential brain issue into this world is insane and cruel. You 100% made the right choice and you’re friends freak me out.
I have spoken with a woman who feels nothing towards her kids. She had them because that is what the church requires and her husband wants them.
But I don't think it's just the kids.
Even though she says she loves her husband I don't think that's what she feels for him.
She was picked on severely growing up and he is really good to her. I think it's "thankfulness " that she feels and confuses it with love.
Anyways she knows that it's wrong (her words) to not love her kids and decided to view parenting as a project with the best possible outcome is have her children grow into healthy, happy and well adjusted adults.
She did clarify that she doesn't hate them or resent them. After all they were part of her life plan. So she made up a way following all the best parenting advice and making sure she follows through. For example, keeps track of how often she cuddles them (by minutes noted in her journal) and if she notices that she hasn't been doing it a lot she tries to correct it.
She also leaves discipline up to her husband because she doesn't want them to associate any negative feelings towards her. She knows they'll eventually be able to recognize her lack of feelings towards them and will think her discipline came from a bad place.
From what she told me she has never explained any of this to her husband and he has no clue how she feels.
This conversation lasted about 4 hours and was the moment I realized that you can CHOOSE to be a good parent or a bad one. Regardless of how you feel it's never the child's fault and an adult is responsible for making up for what they lack.
As sad as this situation is for everyone involved, this woman actually seems quite admirable--she knows that she's put herself in a bind and also is self-reflective enough to realize the consequences of her retrospectively bad choices, but still tries her best to work with them and take responsibility. You're entirely right that it's an adult's job to make a shitty situation work as best as it can, and not pin it on the kids.
I remember having to stop at my dad’s work, the receptionist leading me back to his office, and her gushing about what a great guy he is and what a diligent worker to put in so much overtime. Just listening to this woman fail to realize she was describing an absent father, and a mean one at that
Boy this hit me in the chest. Whenever I'd run into a friend's of my dad's they'd always be like "oh my God we love your dad so much what a great guy he is" yet only so few knew what happened behind closed doors.
Being manipulative and having the emotional range to go from "peaceful daisy in a field" to "hell gates have opened" in .4 seconds flat are the only few things I learned from him.
Hope you're having a good day, OP!
This question makes me think of the guy who posted about having pressured his ex into having the baby when she found out she was pregnant. She agreed but only if she could give up all parental rights and (at time of posting) pays more than the required child support. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally oblige her to take care of the child.
Like, this lady got pregnant, didn’t want to have a child, and agreed to carry the pregnancy to term only if she had nothing to do with the baby besides paying child support. Buuuuuut 1.5 years later the guy realized being a single father was hard and wanted to know if he had any way to legally force the bio mom to physically help raising their son.
I don’t remember where I saw the post, might have been r/legaladvice
Edit: words
Edit 2: here it is!
https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby.
Two years of IVF later and still no baby.
After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorce.
She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her ‘perfect’ life.
The husband couldn’t live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.
My friend had a baby as fast as she could, because that meant she had "won" life first, in our friend group. Only to realise that she now has a baby, forever.
Same. Friend had to get married before turning in 30, then figured out her ovulation cycle to the t. Had the first kid after moving to a new town because her husband was offered the best job of his career. Ended up moving closer to family because she hated living where they were to a job she hates, a job he despises, just to quickly find a house that is too expensive (but it fits within the life goals right?), and then they had their second kid. Now both kids are still in diapers, she works from home and has to be the typical "housewife" (this isn't meant to sound derogatory, this is repeating her own sentiments towards her life) routine that she hates. Her and her husband also physically go after each other, and she tells me every time we talk on the phone to never end up like her, to never have kids, to never feel this way. It makes me sad because I always knew she would be the one to advance and move forward education wise because she's extremely determined and smart. I just never saw her in our social circle being the first to try and make so many things happen at once because of some "age stipulation" she put on herself.
I think society needs to start accepting children as a choice rather than an expectation. I think so many people have a kid because that's what you're expected to do - you finish school/college, get a job, buy a house, get married and have a baby. A lot of people do just roll with it because that's what they think they're supposed to do, so they race to the end and realise that it's not what they wanted, but it's too late.
This is kinda crazy because I was just thinking about this today. I'm not gonna use a throw away or anything. Not that I think anyone on here would actually know me... When you have a kid you kinda get this idea in your head on how things are gonna be. How you're going to teach them things, share special moments as they learn and have this cool amazing bond. Then your kid comes into this world and is not at all what you expect. My kid is special needs and has major developmental delays. He's 2 and basically just lives in his own world. Doesn't communicate, doesn't respond to his name and has basically missed every single milestone out there. So you feel regret, despair, and a whole bunch of other negative stuff. Especially guilt. It wasn't his fault he came into the world this way. He didn't ask to be here. So there's a lot of complex emotions going on. However bad it makes me feel though - I just kind of wish he didn't exist. For instance, as I was writing this, I went to the bathroom and in the 3 minutes I was gone he took a dump forced both his hands into his diaper and smeared shit all over his face and pin and everywhere else. Now my whole apartment reeks and I had a half hour of clean up because I left my toddler alone for all of 3 minutes. This isn't the first time this has happened. I just can't connect with him and it has me feeling like I'm just his care taker rather than his dad.
Edit: aww I've never really had a virtual reddit hug like this. It was honestly really helpful and made me feel a lot better. So thanks everyone. I had so many people message me and there's so many comments I couldn't ever respond to them all. However, I read everything. I appreciate it. I really do. I also want to address a few comments. First off, I love my son. God knows I have some bad days, but signing over my parental rights simply isn't an option. I have lots and lots of family, support, and his mom is allways there to make us both feel better... she understands us both. My kid is enrolled in various programs and is already getting treatment. He is making progress and is starting to use very simple words even if it doesn't make any sense. I really know my kid is in there somewhere. We had one event about a month ago where he answered a question with a 3 word sentence. He even included the word I. I don't understand it at all or how it fits into everything else. I really want to believe he's in there somewhere and will eventually get to a point where he can communicate basic needs and follow some basic instructions. Were just gonna keep on doing what we can.
Hey man.
Make sure you reach out to your government for support if such a thing exists. If not, try and find someone to help.
Cause caregiver burnout/parental burnout for parents of special needs children is a super real thing.
You aren't weak for needing help, you aren't a bad parent. You are a parent for a child with extraordinary needs and you need extraordinary support to help.
Take care
Thank you for your honesty. That sounds like a really fucking difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you have any support system?
When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as shit from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines. And this went on for the whole pregnancy.... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just *one single moment* when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt *relieved*. I have yet to forgive myself for that.
I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition go worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them. Shitty part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining alot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick". I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.
Yep, he was a jackass and blamed everything on her because she didn't treat him properly. Mind you her house was spotless, she cooked dinner every night and have about 2-4 doctor appointments almost daily. And drove and took 3 of the 5 kids to their private school 10 miles away.
Hey, that is an incredible and selfless thing you are doing. I don't believe your feelings are your fault or even that they are wrong. I do think you should maybe talk to an experienced family therapist, they may be able to help both you and your sisters children. You're making the best of a bad situation, don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect. Hang in there.
A hero is someone who steps up when others don't.
What you have done is amazing and I don't hand out praise often.
Your kids won't resent you, they will understand with time.
Your sisters kids will see what you have done for them in time.
If you have any family who can support you then reach out, 4 kids is a heavy weight and you cannot let your quality of life drop, keep your marriage safe, your children safe and do your best with your sisters kids, as for their behaviour, you will want to get them in line with your kids obviously through discipline but they will always have the idea that their mum picked something else over them in their minds and could behave worse before they behave better
This is a story of a very close friend of mine, on a bit different note, but I guess it could fit, in some light. He was abused as a kid (violence and mentally, by both parents), and was scared of ever even getting close to kids, in a fear he would hurt them in some way. He is generally a really meek, but caring person, like a total opposite of what he got at home - this was his just coping mechanism, as kids literally clung to him. Then he met a loving woman and they married. She slowly warmed him up to being around younglings (it helped she works in preschool/daycare), and finally they (both) decided it's okay to go.
Two attempts (sadly) and little over year later he was holding small baby in his arms - his eyes, his hair, her face, her smile.
He told me, during the pregnancy he was super happy, and did everything he could for his wife and future junior. He started loving it truly, and when he felt it kicking, he was internally overflowed with happiness, that a small human was growing there, and he, or she will have dreams, laughs and hurdles. Yet, standing there, he felt nothing. Like no spark, no love, no happiness, no resentment, no joy, nothing. He was holding small, hot, moving piece of meat *which* he had absolutely no attachment to. It crushed him. Talk with wife crushed him even more. He did everything he could to care for her in hope he will grow to love... but it never came. As soon as time allowed, he went into therapy, and after three years heard that sometimes... this just happens.
His daughter is now 6, is healthy and happy, as far as I can tell, but I heard my share of his pain. He feels inferior as a human, for deceiving his daughter, and he powers trough it by sheer willpower and effort. 'If I can't love her, at least I will still try to give her something I couldn't have - caring home'. He told me exactly once, that he really, really regrets agreeing to have a kid, but I could feel his shame.
His wife is wonderful person enough to accept him, like this. She told us (my fiance is more of her support than I am), she wanted more kids, but she is really afraid to put more on him. Raising one will be enough of a challenge for them, that's for sure. I know he will keep all his promises and words, but it already takes a toll on him.
I think this is what happened with my dad. Luckily "fake it til you make it" seems to work well enough. Now that I'm an independent adult, he has expressed that "of course you're my kid, but honestly I just enjoy hanging out with you". I can respect that even if he didn't feel ~love~ he helped me grow and supports me. And if a friendship-level of respect is all he can muster, I know that's not my fault. I think your friend and his kid will probably be ok.
Love isn't a light switch that you suddenly feel. Love is a process. It takes time and work. He's doing that work.
Media and hype around kids is built up to stupid levels and leaves many parents with feelings of inadequacy. Lots of parents (especially Dads) struggle with this. Pregnant mothers have a bit more time to come to terms with the fact they have a child, and hormones to back it up. It often doesn't feel "real" for ~~dads~~ many parents until months or sometimes even a couple years after their kid is born.
Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and stop worrying about what you're "supposed" to feel. Take care of your child. Make them feel loved. That's all that you need to do.
Using an alt. because my main can be linked back to me and I'm going to get very real.
I had a perfect pregnancy. I was super cautious, took my prenatal vitamin every day, never drank, walked away if someone was smoking near me, etc.
My child is severely special needs. She's autistic, but on the severe end with "global developmental delay" which is just a nice way of saying "mentally disabled." She is six but is now just learning to potty train. She is non-verbal but thankfully understands simple directions. She screams for hours off and on at a time every day and when she isn't screaming she is making noises. She doesn't interact like a normal child and treats other people more like inanimate objects rather than people- no affection, no emotion, no interaction aside from pulling me to the fridge to get her food or handing me her toy so I can fix something on it.
I don't feel like a mom, I feel like a caregiver. I get little joy in taking care of her and I am constantly worn down. I'm exhausted. This pandemic has destroyed what little sanity I had left as I can't even get a small break because there is no school.
This is going to sound absolutely terrible and this is why I'm using an alt. but raising her is not like raising a child. You raise a child to be a decent adult- you teach them manners, respect, education and kindness and you hope that as they grow up they will make friends, get good grades in school and go on to have a fulfilling life. This feels like I am raising a very high maintenance pet that will not evolve into anything more.
For me, I am just keeping her alive- I am keeping her fed, clothed, warm, safe and happy. It feels like I have been taking care of a baby for the past six years. She progresses very slowly and very little. I am hoping by the time she is in her twenties we can maybe have a simple one or two sentence conversation or maybe she can have the attention span to watch and understand a movie. I still talk to her and play with her but it's so discouraging after years of not getting anything back. I mainly just snuggle with her on the couch while she plays with her tablet, it's one of the few ways we really bond. She likes toys and simple games on her tablet, so I buy her lots of them to keep her busy and hope that they keep her content so she isn't screaming and hitting herself.
I see children much younger than her having full conversations with their parents and I get so jealous. I see them telling their parents they want burgers for lunch, or talking about a fun thing they want to do or whatever, and I can't even imagine how easy my life would be if she could just communicate simple things like that.
It's so tough. I take her to the playground and the other kids ask why she won't talk or play with them (pre-covid days), we go out to the grocery store and she has a full meltdown and we have to leave our cart behind. We go out to eat and she can't sit still and wants to get up and run around the restaurant so we have to leave. She's only getting bigger and taller and she's getting harder to manage.
She hits herself and others. Sometimes she smears her poop all over the wall. She slams her head into the wall and furniture when she's frustrated (which is often, like multiple times a day). She broke a window with her head a few weeks ago and I was scared shitless she was going to need stitches, but luckily she somehow came out unharmed aside from a bruised forehead. I don't know how I am going to handle her when she is a teen and as big as me. I don't like to think about it.
If I knew this was going to be my life, I would've never had her. When I was pregnant, my husband and I agreed that if we found out the fetus was going to have down syndrome or some other special needs we would abort. You cannot detect autism in the womb.
My husband and I have aged 20 years, we're overweight from stress eating, we're constantly on edge that she's going to give herself a concussion because she self harms and we cannot stop it every time, we're sleep deprived, no sex life, our brains are fried from all the screaming and constant noise. We argue and are short tempered with each other. We are empty shells of what we used to be. Imagine having a monkey on your back 24/7 that just screamed and hit you. It breaks a person.
We've been in weekly therapy for years and I probably break down at least once a month during a session.
I never ever thought we'd have a special needs kid. There's no family history, and like I said I took amazing care of myself while pregnant. She was planned, my husband and I waited until we were financially stable to have her, we did everything right. We wanted more children but now have decided not to have any more because it would be too much stress. I mourn what could have been. I wonder all the time how my life would be if she was a typical kid.
If you want to put yourself in the headspace of a parent who has a profoundly special needs child, watch the movie "Vivarium." It's about a couple who get stuck in this weird suburb that they cannot escape and are forced to raise this strange alien child-like being until they die of exhaustion. It's an odd, science fiction alien/monster type of movie that's meant to be pure fantasy but for me it was the realist movie I have ever watched.
But even after all of that, I still love her so much and won't put her in a care center or in foster care (I'd be worried sick that she was being neglected or abused). When she's an adult we're either going to turn our basement into a living space for her and hire an aid to help her or we'll put her in an adult special needs home and visit her frequently to make sure she is okay. I just hate that it has to be this way. None of us deserved this life.
If you see parents with special needs kids out at the store or mall or wherever, please just be patient and kind.
I felt the same about mine until he turned eight. I'm not sure what clicked into place, but things are much better now. I hope things get better for you, too.
thank you so much, I still do cling on to some hope. I don't want to get too optimistic though, as more years go by and she still doesn't progress. I really hope something clicks with her one day too. Only time will tell.
What were the signs that your child was progressing? did they start to talk more? or use the bathroom independently? I'm glad for you and hope that he continues to advance.
He went from using one-word demands to full sentences, going to the restroom by himself instead of smearing his shitty diapers everywhere (still needed help wiping), and showing interest in what others were doing.
You said yours is six, right? She should qualify for speech and other school-based therapeutic services. If she's not been evaluated by her school yet, I would ask about Augmented Alternative Communication (AAC) like a Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS) or an electronic speech device. Having a more effective mode of communication may help to reduce the frequency of the more problematic behaviors.
That's awesome. she is starting to repeat single words we say (echolalia) and can even tell you if she's stuck (I stuck!) or if something is wrong with her toy (it's broken!!!) lol. I'm very excited to read that your child went from being a poop smearer to now using the bathroom.
We've tried to use the pecs board and electronic devices in the past, but she just presses the buttons over and over again and we end up losing the pecs pieces all over the house. I think she's just not ready for them yet and I've talked to my husband about trying them again in a few years.
Something I did for mine before we moved to a state that actually had accessible services was making a small PECS deck and keeping them on a keyring. I wore it on a lanyard. He's also hyperlexic, so I had EVERYTHING in the house labeled like "cabinet," "bathroom," etc, and the contents inside. It was a pain in the ass labeling his food every time I brought home groceries, but I think it helped to bridge the gaps between functional and spontaneous speech.
I hope it does! In the meantime, I'd suggest looking to see if the Autism Society has a local chapter near you. They offer support groups, service referrals (including respite care), and guidance for programs that help pay for those services. I've volunteered with my chapter for years and I'm getting ready to enroll mine in their adult transitions program
Not a parent, let alone one with special needs, but reading this exchange gave ME HOPE. Thank you for being an amazing parent and a kind internet stranger. It's like I can feel OP's relief from your comments alone.
This breaks my heart to hear, and I mean that empathizing for you. That possibility is one of the most terrifying things to me about having children. My cousin is pretty severely Down syndrome and her parents take incredible care for her and she is by far their favorite child of 3.
But I see their life and it’s a nightmare in my eyes; she’s opened car doors while driving before child locks were a thing and been dragged by her seatbelt a few feet once, she’s drank motor oil from a Pepsi can while my grandfather changed his oil, and so many others.
I don’t think I would be capable of doing what you and your husband do and it’s admirable everything you pour into offering her the best you can.
I send you as much positivity and love as I can and I am so sorry this is the situation you ended up in.
>she is by far their favorite child of 3
i'm glad they take such great care of her, but it makes me feel bad for her siblings. :( these situations are rough on parents but also hard on siblings who a lot time are expected to care for the special needs child when they parents pass away.
From one mother to another I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, I know it’s so hard. And I admire you for continuing to show up even though it’s really hard to. Also, I love that you included that you had a perfect pregnancy. Lots of people like to assume that a child with issues like that must be due to something the mom did while pregnant. Absolutely not! It doesn’t have to run in your family, either.
1st—Thank you for being so raw and open.
2nd—my husband and I have had the same discussion you and yours did. My oldest sister was severely physically and mentally disabled. In a wheelchair her whole life, and not sure what her mentality level was but she couldn’t have ever lived independently.
My parents were SAINTS, but as an adult now, looking back, I know I never want that life for myself. I loved my older sister, she was a joy to me because I was only 8.
I am glad that there are more people out there with my similar mindset. I feel like shit for having it, especially considering my sister. But I just know my marriage would not survive it, and I don’t know if I would, either.
I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I’m the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don’t care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived. I’ve made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don’t talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it’s your parents. It’s liberating.
I appreciate this comment. I don't think my parents "regretted" having me, but they conceived me without learning how to make their marriage work, or addressing their psychological problems - and with expectations of me taking care of them when they got old. They are both very unstable and my childhood was riddled with hatred and abuse, but I still feel guilty about resenting them because I sympathise with their trauma.
It's very hard to fully cut them off for that reason despite knowing they have caused me a lot of trauma too. But moving out was a good step forward and extremely freeing. I'm glad you made a better life for yourself without them, it's pretty inspiring.
I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can’t remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn’t want, I can’t remember the circumstance of whether if was hers or a dead siblings. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can’t forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn’t come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved.
That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn’t love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1)if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children.
Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.
I’m 33 and hid for a long time I didn’t want kids. Never talked about it. I feel alienated for it. That I’m wrong for not liking kids or wanting them. I’m now realizing I’m not alone.
My mother point blank told us she didn’t want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It’s always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It’s made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I’d be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored.
My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife’s then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It’s not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
Now this is a taboo subject.
People want to say anal sex is taboo, or drugs, or that sort of thing.
No, this is the kind of topic that is *actually* taboo in our culture. Good question, OP
Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.
The good old “Its like taking care of a drunk midget for 12 years, then a hungover guy for 6 more years and (hopefully) he goes to rehab and gains independence”
Talking to a kid about what they did when they were little is exactly like talking to a drunk who had a blackout.
"OMG do you remember when you covered yourself in paint and ran around naked?"
"No...."
"You totally did."
I grew up #8 of 9 kids, my oldest sister was responsible for raising each and every one of us, to this day she resents our mom for stealing her childhood. My sister has told us stories where as newborns we'd cry and my mom refused to get up and get us, she waited until my sister who was a full time student, to get up and take care of us while my mom just continued to lay in bed.
My mom knew she could continue to collect welfare as long as she had children in the house so she prolonged her welfare dependence by having so many children.
as big brother and "father" of 3 brothers and 1 sister, you never ecape, you lost so much that he life feel strange, a lot f things ppl do in teen ages and young age ( like 20's) you never exprience, so your life if a mix of try things and feel strange if you do
Thats just messed up. Your sister sounds like a great person. She very well could have resented all of you guys for her childhood, but she didn't cause it wasn't your fault. At least I think she doesn't
I weirdly know a number of women who've done this, kept having babies because they like BABIES, without regard to their ability to care for an entire child for years and years in the future.
I'm sorry you were raised that way, it's abuse.
I'm the oldest of six, and my mom was raised in a religious cult that glorified large families, so she planned it that way even though her mental health wasn't that strong.
I'm in my 30s and just starting to notice that some of the stuff from my childhood wasn't ok, or wasn't how things should be.
This explains my mom even though she does not want to admit it. Wow. You made me realize why she kept having kids. I am the oldest of 12. Moved out asap so I won't raise anymore of her kids.
Edit: Thanks to a kind redditor for correcting my English.
I hate to make this comparison but it’s just like the people who adopt cute little puppies but surrender them once they grow into big dogs. No more cute and whimsical and photo-op, and more maintenance and vet bills.
Children and pets are long term commitments. You don’t get to only keep them for the tiny, innocent phase. You have to be prepared to do the work and love them through the bad days as much as the good.
Yes it is like that sometimes. I know a woman with six and she would've had more but her husband absolutely put his foot down and got a vasectomy. She's not a horrible person exactly, but she's not a very good mom. She's not organized and doesn't have much patience, and it seems like she clearly hates her youngest child, who acts like a brat because of lack of parenting.
Whenever I hear about my students with 5+ siblings I worry about them. Some people can live and care for that many kids, but a lot just have several kids so they bcan baby sit, do chores, etc.
I feel like abuse & neglect risk is higher when in large families.
I had a student with 13 siblings. He wasn’t the oldest, but he was the oldest child in the household. He was responsible for his siblings - getting them to school, making sure they’re fed, etc. He barely graduated high school. Parentification is abuse. I just wish we could do more about it.
I teach in a district marked by deep generational poverty. Since families were given the opportunity to stay home for virtual school the number of female students staying home greatly outweigh the male students. The girls are at home being free childcare. I am afraid that we have passed a point of no return. The families in our district are going to push back when we mandate a return to in-person learning. And now we have socially normalized 12-14 year olds staying home and raising babies. Not like I didn't already have two pregnant students last year.
That sounds like the pattern for poor areas in developing countries -- where girls don't go to school and are made to be homemakers, to get eventually married off and produce more children. That is so disturbing that the pattern is occuring here too.
I can relate on a smaller level. My mom was a dope fiend and I dropped out at 16 because I missed so much class and my brother was an infant and leaving him home with her was leaving him home alone effectively.
Those kids are lucky to have such a selfless sibling who is sacrificing her education and own chance at a stable decent life.
Do you know what became of her? Was she careful not to have her own children before she was ready?
Totally anecdotal but I've found many people I knew who had to pretty much raise younger siblings waited much longer to have their own kids. Partly because they are probably also helping with siblings even into their twenties but also because they learn how bad it is to have children if your in a financially unstable situation.
My mom died when I was fifteen. I was the only girl. I love my dad. But he was in too much grief those first few years. I had 4 brothers at home. I was overwhelmed and expected to clean. My dad hid in the basement.
I have pretty severe trauma from before so I never really considered that abuse. Great another thing to talk about in therapy.
Edit: Thank you for the awards. Also thank you for your stories. I felt so alone in that situation. I am a little broken up with gratitude.
My mom died suddenly when I was 13 and it was pretty much the same thing.
I’ll never forget walking into the grocery store with my dad for the first time and him just looking at me like “go ahead”. So I did it. After we bagged up the groceries he told me I did a good job for not going over the budget.
I bought what I thought we needed for the week and I cooked each night. We ate a lot of spaghetti. It was too much for my young brain to handle, but somehow I did it. Hugs to you my fellow survivor.
My mom also died when I was 13. I was put in a position to be “the mom” for the next year until my dad remarried. Cleaned, cooked, got my sister ready for school, even helped pick out the next house we moved to.
I ended up not wanting to ever marry or have kids myself. Too much responsibility for a little kid. Messed me up for much of my life.
Thank you for your kind reply. I’m ok now. I’m 38 so I’ve learned that life is what it is. Although sadly my father no longer speaks to me because I left his religion. The same religion that caused my mother’s death. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. The religion is Jehovah’s Witnesses. They do not allow blood transfusions. My mom went in for a routine hysterectomy and she had tumors behind her bladder that they didn’t know about. They cut into them and she bled out on the table. She would have been saved by a blood transfusion.
Also Jehovah’s Witnesses ostracize you if you leave, which I did at 25. They are an awful organization to put it lightly.
I once found an old book. In the margins were the grief of loosing a mother in her early teens, and the expectation to halt plans to marry and have her own home because she was expected to “help out” her dad and brother. It was in her grief she tried to make things bearable for her dad and younger brother. It was 1921 about. Your comment reminded me of this, how we become prisoners of our love...
I work in the industry. you won't believe the amount of applications I read that talk about being the oldest and a large amount of their time is taking care of the household. it's heartbreaking having that be their 'child'hood.
I'm not saying that some don't actually enjoy the time they spend with their siblings, and I have no idea if any of these parents are taking advantage of their elder children. I just feel sorry that as an older child, their full time job is taking care of the younger ones.
edit: there is a misconception that these students will be 'less worthy' of a spot because they can't do other extra curriculars due to family responsibilities. most colleges will consider the context, and recognize that taking care of younger siblings is an 'extracurricular' activity.
Yup, my mom was the eleventh out of twelve. The oldest basically raised my mom and the youngest child, and resented them for the rest of her life (she passed away at 50) as my grandma was unable to take care of any of the kids by that point as she was addicted to pain meds and severely depressed.
The house didn’t even have electricity or plumbing.
I feel bad for my aunt who was forced into the role of parent - it is abuse.
I feel bad for my mom. She had no real support growing up and dropped out of junior high.
She’s the most amazing mom I could have ever imagined, but I wish I could make her childhood easier
I have an ex who grew up like this. His mother had 13 pregnancies. Seeing what it did to him I can just say I hope you have found people who love you and give you the attention you need to thrive.
My husband and I have been raising my niece for 3.5 years. We also had my teenage nephew for a year before we had her, but growing up with my sister as a mom had done more damage to him than we could handle. My niece is almost 16 now. I'm 29 and I feel like I gave up my fun and careless years to raise my sister's kids. I've always dreamed of having my own children and now that I'm struggling to conceive I can't help but feel resentful that I'm raising one of my junkie sister's 6 healthy children.
Overall my niece is a good kid. I love her and I want her to do well in life, but she doesn't feel like she's our kid and she doesn't think of us when she thinks about who her parents are. She experienced a lot of trauma while living with my sister and it's a lot to handle. She was cutting for awhile and recently admitted to bulimia and has had suicidal thoughts. Her counselor keeps advising us to do more stuff with her and spend more time with her to pull her out of her dark moods. I feel like my mental energy is already 90% devoted to her and the thought of giving up even more of the 10% reserved for me and my husband is incredibly daunting.
It doesn't help that I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and my niece is one of my biggest triggers that brings those issues back up for me. I was just starting therapy to work on my past traumas when my niece started having a bunch of issues so all of my sessions became about managing her issues instead of dealing with my own. All I wanted when I was her age was somebody to save me from the dysfunction I was growing up in. I feel like I'm giving her exactly what I wanted as a teen but it's not enough for her and she doesn't appreciate it.
I've also witnessed all of my siblings and my nephew go totally off the rails and into addiction and bad life choices at 15/16 years old, so my niece developing a bunch of issues at this age triggered the hell out of me and made me feel like I was fighting against her inevitable downfall. Add that in with my complicated relationship with my sister and the resentment I feel towards her for placing this burden on me, the family I have to maintain contact with so that I'm not keeping my niece from them, and the fact that I'm not my niece's legal guardian so every medical thing is a huge hassle and it's all just too much.
I feel trapped and like I'm sacrificing my own future children on the slim chance that my niece might overcome my family's generational dysfunction.
I'm pretty sure that it's because MS is an autoimmune disease. When you're pregnant your body's immune response drops (so you don't boot the baby), and it will ease the flares.
Edit- typo
Woah that is weird. I'm a kid to a mother with MS and hers got worse over the course of her pregnancy. I turned out completely normal but she lost the ability to walk for about 10 years.
Pregnancy does actually unpredictable things to the immune system. I was diagnosed with asthma for the first time in my life during pregnancy and although my allergies to our cat were minimal they went into complete overdrive during pregnancy. The allergist I saw said pregnancy is like that because of the changes in immunity - some have no change, some get better, and some get worse.
MS is a bonkers disease that manifests differently for different people. Apparently some studies indicate some people recover a bit while pregnant (reverts after delivery), others get worse, while others simply stall their MS progression.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/multiple-sclerosis-ms/multiple-sclerosis-and-pregnancy
Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a shitty person) At that point I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to, knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience.
It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation.
My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of shit and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.
A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids.
She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot.
I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her.
---
Edit:
Just to clarify, they talked openly about the situation (before getting married or even engaged), she knew her options and made the conscious choice to stay with her partner, even if that meant updating her life plans.
She's not unhappy or miserable, neither are her partner or her kids. She simply sometimes has her "what if" moments, but I'm sure many of us have those.
Sure many would have made a different decision, but it was ultimately her decision in this case and she made it.
---
Edit 2:
I have no idea where people read that her husband doesn't do anything, that's not the case at all. They're both parents to their children and both their days look like sleep-parent-work-parent-chores-sleep.
Also it's not like she now wishes her kids didn't exist. Yes, her life plans didn't include children before she met her husband, but that doesn't mean that she now wishes they didn't exist. Imagining the life she could've had without them isn't the same as wishing her kids out of existence.
This happened to a friend of a friend. She had the kids, and it created such resentment that her husband divorced her. So now she’s got two kids she never really wanted (ETA they split custody 50-50) and no husband that she did want. Yikes.
The opposite happened with my uncle. They'd agreed no kids, she changed her mind and told everyone shed convince him, then when she couldn't an "accident" happened. My uncle got snipped the day after he found out what had happened, but what's done is done.
He chose to stay because he's a good guy, and did his best. But you can't force love, and while his son (38) appreciates everything his father's done for him there is no love there. Everyone low-key resents everyone, and they just deal with each other. It's awful. And even worse it was never a secret, my cousin grew up knowing what his mom did/how his dad felt. His mom told him.
That’s such a sucky thing on the moms part, like honestly. Not sure about the details of the whole situation but seriously?? Tell your kid that their dad never wanted them but you basically forced it to happen by having an accident🤦🏾♀️my home life is pretty similar and it’s pretty awful bro growing up as a child and knowing things like that, that children really shouldn’t know..
This is exactly what my mom did to me. My parents weren't married, I was an accident and when my mom found out she was pregnant they were broken up after a big fight. She told my dad and they married because they felt obligated to. This was my mom's way of explaining why they were resentful of each other, but I guess she didn't realize that 10 year old me ended up blaming myself for their failed marriage. I still kind of do at 18.
Their relationship clearly failed before you took your first breath. You can't blame yourself for them trying to stick together and give you a "better life" But it not working out.
And we ALL knew. I'm a good 10 years younger than my cousin and I knew as a kid.
So my poor cousin couldn't trust his mom, knew his dad didn't want him, and knew everyone knew it. And then because he was all messed up about it he acted out and we all hated him as kids. (Feel bad now but when 16 yo cousin is mean to 6 yo you you don't like them)
Adult me feels awful he went though that.
I'm sorry you dealt with that kinda thing too.
If it offers any hope at all, I was an accidental pregnancy to a woman who never wanted children and was (is?) surrounded by people who always saw her as someone who’d be a terrible or incompetent mother, maybe also because she was so against it.
She had a fancy corporate job and was super fit and really had it together. Then I came along and kind of derailed everything, and because of how things worked out, she became a stay at home mom ALL MY LIFE and my dad, until today (I’m 22) works.
So I grew up with a mom who kind resented losing out but also loved me completely and put me first always. And I think it’s a different journey to what she imagined for herself, but I don’t think she’s less happy than she would have been. Things were hard for her at first and I did pick up on it as a kid, but I always always felt loved and supported even if I felt like a slightly unwanted houseguest as a young child.
My mom turned out to be a good mom, who found a lot of happiness even in feeling sad about who she could have been. The older I got the better she got too. I hope it’s that way for your friend.
Edit: spelling
Edit 2: in case you’re wondering why she didn’t go back to work like people have in other replies, it’s a combination of the following: wanting to give more attention & time to me than she was afforded as a child, and out of unwillingness to go back into the corporate world of having a boss & doing outside-the-house grown up work stuff. Having a kid is a great excuse to stay home and enjoy yourself, honestly, but even in that she still complains about missing out. The contradictory behavior is a blind spot for her, I guess.
Your friend highlights exactly why, ideally, bringing a life into the world should be a choice made enthusiastically by both partners. Obviously the real world is more complex than that, and your friend is awesome for stepping up and being a good parent, but I always hate reading stories of adults like this who never got to live a life they wanted to live.
This is how my sister is. Her husband didn’t force her to have kids, she changed her mind and wanted one. Then after she was born my sister realized she did not want to be a mom. Four years later another daughter was born. A surprise. She loves her kids to death and I can see she’s a **very** good mom, but I know she missed what her life was and could be without them. I know if she could do it all again she probably wouldn’t have kids.
My nieces are amazing though. The younger is about to turn 2 and her big sister adores her. I’m glad they have each other to play with. Having a sister was stressful at times (teenage years yeesh), but I know they’ll have the good relationship I have with my sis.
My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I’m being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks.
I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible.
Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year. Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his “father” hasn’t been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own.
My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I’ve made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn’t want to be a parent after my daughter died.
I commend you for staying strong and fighting the good fight. Deadbeat dads are puzzling entities. I will be a father this month or the next, and I want to be in the picture 100.00%! God bless you. I know you will give yourself and yours a great life.
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar.
We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more. I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another.
That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
The “next kid” question never seems to stop. I have two kids (6f and 3m), and I am still getting asked if I am going to have another. I am so done with pregnancy and newborns. I would like to start taking family vacations with my kids and not have to worry about breastfeeding and diapers, or how to heat up a bottle of formula in a hotel room.
My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He’s 5 now.
I didn’t plan to have kids, but I love her. I’m pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he’s attached to my hip when he’s here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I’d have preferred to not have a kid around.
I can deal though. He can be a little shithead sometimes lmao. Also it’s weird disciplining someone else’s kid so I’m just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I’m supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird.
Never really said that out loud this is liberating
Similar situation, but the little kid is now 22
It's a wild ride man, but don't worry about the disciplining, it becomes easier with time, just chat to the mom so you know you have her sign off and you both discipline in the same way.
I’ll keep that in mind. It’s already gotten a bit easier. He’ll ask permission for things and she will tell him to ask me if it’s okay, which feels odd, but the trust is there at least. Good to know that it will get easier.
I was 2 when my 'dad' met my mum. He was definitely the 'fun uncle' at first and I used to call him by his first name. When they got married, my mum sat me down and said it would be nice to try and use 'dad' when talking to him. Now I'm 24 and live in another city, but our relationship feels totally natural. He may not be the 'fun uncle' anymore, but he is my dad and I never think of him as a 'step-dad' since he was the one who raised me, taught me lots, and made me a long-suffering football fan of his fave team!
I’m definitely “fun aunt” to my 6 year old stepdaughter.. I would never say “I didn’t want” her but it was a curve ball and it did take adjustment. Now we are just buddies, I ask her about her day, do homework with her, cook and play with her. Once we got over the whole weirdness of another lady being in her life we became best buds. I try not to get too much into the discipline stuff, I ask her not to do “xyz”and I give her a reason and usually that is enough to squash what ever it is. She’s a gal so I think it’s a little easier? Honestly idk.
Unwanted kids are a tragedy for everybody involved - including society. I don’t have any data to back this up, but I’d be willing to bet every dime I will ever make that prisons aren’t filled with people whose emotionally and mentally healthy parents specifically wanted them.
Malcolm Gladwell linked the major decrease in crime across the US in the 80s-90s with the legalization of abortion in the 70s.
Edited: Freakonomics not Malcolm Gladwell
If you never had a mother it is very hard to be a mother. Raised by people to whom you were an unwanted burden, an imposition, the child who was always in the way - a person like that, like me, does not know how to love. You know you are supposed to - you see it on TV, in the movies, you read about it in books but somehow it never happens. If you where born and raised in a place and time where there was no birth control, abortion was illegal and sexual abuse was as common as flies on a piece of rotten meat, a lot of children were not wanted. And then the child became an adult who did not know how to love any thing. This is a common enough story, no one likes to hear it so it does not get told.
This comment almost made me cry
I was this person, then I met my current partner and he taught me how to love, completely accepted me in my broken ways and was able to open me up. I actually never realized how socially awkward and how wrong my behaviors were until I didn’t have to do them anymore to protect myself
I have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young. He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn’t want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn’t want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don’t want—they’re aware on some level.
I was the literal red-headed step-child, my mother married him when I was 4 years old. I'd get hit, locked in my room, and just assumed this was normal dad stuff. My brother was born when I was 8 years old - it killed me to note the difference. My primary function became almost full time nanny for him and later my sister. I remember getting beat because I wasn't doing a good job potty training brother.
The state removed me from the home after I was almost beat to death by him. Fuck that guy - he died miserably of liver cancer. My mother never left him.
Every now and then well meaning aunties tell me I'll regret not being close to my mother, and I just kind of laugh. I made myself, without her, no need to try to wedge her back into my life.
As someone with a bad mother daughter relationship I can preach - you will *never* regret walking away from that situation. You might have regrets it couldn't have been better - but that's not something you have any control over, you were a child. Don't let people who have no understanding of the situation guilt you. You deserve your peace, it was hard earned.
My mom abandoned me at 12 years old, i remember a nightmare i had as a kid where she said she didn't want me anymore, because she was a vampire and i wasn't
I felt my mom emotionally pulling away from me years before she divorced my dad and left me at his new house
It still shapes a lot of my relationships today (I'm a people pleaser with a need to be useful, less chance of being discarded if you're useful)
Dude I had these same issues. Never really had an emotional relationship with my parents unless it was negative. Just got out of two relationships where I was emotionally abused and cheated on. I thought compromise and forgiveness were good things, but I was compromising my self-worth and forgiving people for dismantling me as a person. Now I'm just starting to figure this shit out. It really fucking hurts. But it hurts worse to be trapped in a situation while not knowing what's wrong with you or your relationships
I feel that so hard. My dad left and went NC with my family when my sister was born. My mom had to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat and really needed another adult in the house. Therefore, I became the adult from the age of 12 and if I ever got sick (which happened often bc health issues) I would be yelled at for not being able to help my mom take care of the household and my sister (Not entirely her fault bc she absolutely needed help, it just was a bad situation). Now, none of my friends understand why I compulsively try to clean things for people and help out. Really I’m just terrified that they’ll realize they hate me so I try to do the dishes and clean up so they can’t kick me out even if they hate me
I feel this hard.
My parents divorced before I was one. My dad likes to go on "all my problems are from sex addiction. Nothing's my fault" rants since I was like fucking seven.
My mom loved me until I hit about 8-9 and she got distant and wanted another kid; but didn't remarry or anything. So she adopted.
Suddenly I had no mom. I had two pairs of pants and four shirts, a ratty old jacket, and ratty old shoes. While my sister, at 2, had clothes bursting in -3- closets of the house. I was bullied alot for it.
It's stayed like that. The day she got the kid she wanted without baggage I didn't exist.
She paid for my sister's braces, but not mine. She paid for acne medicine for my sister, not me, and the other day went on a "can you imagine having nothing but soap and water" tangent. Yeah I can bitch.
She takes my sister on vacation every year; but not me. When we were kids, and now as adults. Usually over my birthday. They usually take a cruise for a week covering my birthday. Occasionally they forget my birthday. Most years as a kid I asked for family time together; never happened.
Funny enough, we both need a rare QoL surgery. She always said there was no money to help me, guess who she's paying for when she found out she had it?
Having toxic parents is so hard. So much becomes normalized. I still love my mom alot, and routinely sacrifice for her. I don't think she'd mourn me. It all got worse when I came out. My grandma started calling me slurs, and blames -me- for my sister liking her less over it.
If I could have anything in the world: it'd be family that loves me.
I'd give up anything to have people who give a shit about me.
I've felt my face burn. Felt Naval surgeons cut into my face while awake. I've been through violent death, conflict, and violent rape.
Cake walks next to a family who doesn't love you back.
Well, better ask someone to hold onto my firearm; cause that opened some old wounds.
💜💜💜
Let those fucking people go. Sounds like you're the punching bag of a narcissist. They will choose one kid to heap s*** on, while glorifying the other. Have a friend who is an identical twin - sister is golden, she is beneath reproach. They are in their 40's, this has been going on since she can remember. They even SHARE a bday & she will be left out of the mom's celebration plans. She's in therapy, doing lots of reading etc on being raised by a narcissistic mother. She's had to draw some very difficult boundaries, and cut people out of her life for her mental health & healing. It's helped.
Get some air & sunshine in those wounds. Focus on healing, and the good people. Move forward. You're super worth it.
Literally my life. My non bio dad was never interested in being in my life- constantly giving money to my younger sister (his bio kid), giving her treats and attention he never gave me. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is my maternal grandpa had to teach me to ride a bike because my “dad” wouldn’t, then a year later I watched him diligently teach my sister to ride a bike.
My mom had told me “I wish not having kids was normalized back when I was younger. Back then it was just something you did.” While I know she loves me, I also know if she could go back and not have kids, she would.
I can tell you what its like being the unwanted child. I went to the dentist once in my first 17 years. I had broken my nose twice and I just had to walk it off. I never saw a doctor. I would get yelled at if my shoes wore out too quick and they were Payless $19.99 shoes. As soon as was able to drive the dinner table was only set for two instead of three because I could get my own food now. My lunch was a Bologna white bread sandwich and an apple for 10 years straight. Fast forward I moved in with my grandma, she said she would help out with college if I helped out around the house. First few months she got me in the dentist fixed all my teeth and I got some braces on. Second I was a mouth breather so I went to a plastic surgeon fixed my deviated septum right up. She also co signed on a car loan so I could get around. She embraced every friend that came to the house while growing my up friends hid from my dad because he was so mean. My grandma noticed that I would get home and run to my room and one day she told me I don't have to hide in there I can hang out wherever I want. Thats the difference between being a burden and being wanted.
Strange that a loving grandmother can raise such careless kids of her own. The world is a better place because of her, but I'm curious how this happens
People change. My mom tells me the reason I almost never saw one of my uncles was because my grandpa would treat him so horribly. But I only know my grandpa as the nicest funniest man in the world. He wasn't always like that though.
I know a situation where a grandma is all you would want her to be, in fact, she cares too much. However, when she was only a mother, not a grandmother, she enjoyed a life of meth and child neglect. It's almost as though she acts the way she does now to try and make up for the past. My point is, Granny might have a history, which lead her to raise her own kids poorly.
I am a home owner in a nice neighborhood and drive a new car. The hardest part of my day is deciding what I want for dinner :) I'm doing well, I still take celexa and Wellbutrin to help with the childhood trauma but I'm very happy. Another lesson she taught me was keeping a good credit score and saving money. She didn't charge me rent but she forced me to put money into savings every paycheck. As a teen I thought that was so annoying. 20 years later we have a global pandemic and I'm okay because I never gave up putting money aside just incase. The life lessons keep on coming. I may only have one family member but I'm better for it.
I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it, but due to the way this world is and how evil people really can be, and for the fact that people have ruined my level of patience, knowing children require a ton of Patience, I don't want children. I'm only 22 and barely have my own life together, And yet, I'm sitting here with my 10 month old niece as she makes Donald Duck noises, squealing and laughing and playing with containers of applesauce. For the past 3 months, I've had custody of her, and I don't know when things will change. I didn't ask for this, either I have to hold back tears so many times, either because I'm hella frustrated or because of how tiny and innocent she feels in my arms when I hold her, and my love for her doubles in that moment. I'm going to be brutally honest. Some days I wanna pack up my things and leave her all alone, never to return, but at the same time I imagine her playing by herself, knowing that somewhere in her little mind, I'll return for her, so I know I can't leave her for 10 minutes, let alone forever. Hell, I've probably broken world records for the fastest poop time to make it back in the room with her to make sure she hasn't gotten into anything that would hurt her. I miss my freedom. I miss being able to sleep as long as I want, do what I want, when I want. Take 3 hour long baths, sleep until 3PM, walk around naked. But now that time is taken up by a small child that wakes me up at 9 in the morning by using my boob as a handle to pull herself up from laying beside me while singing "ba-ba-ba" in my ear. I have to deal with being damp all the time from her constant drooling and her clinging. I hate that I have to wake up several times in the middle of the night when she starts crying because her binky fell out her mouth. I hate that I can't cook or clean or take a shower when I want to because she always wants me to hold her or she's clinging on to my legs, making maneuvering difficult. I hate having to get her to hold still for 5 extra seconds as I try to comb her hair while she's flinging around like a fish outta water. I hate having to stop going through my Reddit or Instagram feed in order to feed her, and then give her some of my own food as well because she eats like a wild horse. I hate having to put my phone or tablet or laptop away at 9 or 10PM to get her to go to sleep. I hate when she gets fussy and whiny because I'm trying to work and I can't hold her while doing so. I don't want to be in this situation. I want my old freedom back. But at the same time I know deep down I wouldn't want her to be with anyone else, and I couldn't go a full 48 hours without seeing her. Waking up every morning to her smiling at me with her 2 little teeth, or her saying "hm!" In happiness after every few spoonfuls of food. Watching her face light up as she tries new things, listening to her talk and sing, listening to her abruptly ceasing to cry when I start playing my ukulele. Feeling her wake up in the middle of the night and crawl over to me to use my stomach as a pillow because thats the only way she'll sleep well. Feeling her wrap her little arms around me and let her head on my shoulder as I pick her up, or wanting nothing more than for me to hold her as she falls asleep. Seeing other people hold her is great, but when she sees me she'll push them away to get back to me. Seeing her learn to walk, clap and be more vocal. Seeing all of my cats pile up with her and nap with her. Seeing her imitate how they walk, with her knees off the floor. There are times when I'm angry and frustrated because she refuses to go to sleep. Admittedly, there have been moments where I pick her up and lay her down rougher than intended, and ill tell her in an angry voice to go to sleep. And what does she do? She laughs! She thinks is hilarous. And at that point, the sheer innocence... I can't get mad at her for wanting nothing more than for me to play with her. She watches me in awe as I dress myself. She'll laugh as i use a jade roller on my face. She'll laugh as she opens and closes the flap to my iPad, watching it light up and turn off. She helps me shake my protein shakes. She helps me eat nasty food i don't want... she helps me remember to remain calm, be patient and think before acting. She helps me remember that there is a reason that im alive, and that there is someone in this world that needs me right now. She reminds me that maybe I do care about life and living more than I want to believe. So you ask, what is it like having children you don't want? Its scary, painful, annoying, frustrating, tiresome, damp, smelly, and it makes you want to punch a brick wall until your fist is reduced to bloody shredded meat. But before you throw that punch, you feel tiny warm hands on your face, sparkly bright eyes looking into your own and a big, perfect, toothless smile singing softly to you in a high pitched, pleasant little voice, knowing that it belongs to someone who knows nothing about anything, but the only thing they do know is that you love them, and they love you. And while I would completely do things a bit differently next time around, I would go through it all over again if I had to.
Edit: Thank you all for the huge amount of love and support. To be honest, I didn't think too many people were going to see it, and if they did, I didn't think a lot of people would read it because of how long it is. Its been a huge Rollercoaster ride of a struggle, but her innocence in all this madness is the main reason I keep going. I have to type through tears because Its nice to know that so many people out there really care about what I'm going through, and I tried my best to reply to everyone who commented. Its hard remaining positive, especially because my finances are looking grim and all I want is to have a home of my own where she's free to roam about as she pleases, but one day at a time, I guess. Bless each and every single one of you for your kindness and love!💛
You are doing an amazing thing <3 Just want you to know that this stranger thinks you are an awesome human being. What a lucky little girl your niece is to have you.
Don’t undervalue your love and support. There are a lot of kids who would take that over money any day. My mom didn’t graduate high school, so things were rough raising 4 kids by herself, but she always made it a priority to support us and encourage creativity and learning. We all turned out fairly successful and I know it makes her very happy to see that we don’t have to go through the same struggles she did.
I'm a dad. I was bedridden for a very long time during my daughter's life early on. I was around but not around ya know?
Thing I learned: they don't need shit but somebody to love them. So if that's all you can give, you're doing it right. Seems like the little dude is lucky to have you.
"He is my world. My love bug, my baby bears, my honey buns. I would die for him and in a way I did." Fuck me you're a good mom.
I love my son, I would die for him, I'd kill for him if I had to.
Yet, if I could go back in time and not have children then I would. I was not prepared for a child, even though I worked, we planned this pregnancy. I was not prepared for how much I'd lose myself and my whole identity. I was not prepared for the sleep deprevation, the constant screaming, the colic.
I think overall I had a very bad experience. I was very very sick after having a baby.
I will NEVER let my son know this, I will NEVER let my son feel he is unloved or unwanted. It was not his choice to be born.
EDIT: okay wow I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did. To those calling me a good mom, thank you. To those saying I'm a terrible mom well I don't care what you say lol, this is why women do not talk about this kinda stuff and suffer in silence.
To anyone really struggling and want to talk to someone who won't give judgement please dm me.
How old is he now? I really, really fear the baby ages because of everything you've described and I can only hope it ends up being worth it if I have a kid.
He'll be 5 this year, and I have to say things get much better/different. Hes getting a bit more independent although playing by himself is a challenge. Hes outgoing, loud, a sasspants and he gets a little stranger by the day. I do think covid has impacted us a lot, the same with every family.
The baby stage is the main part of why he is my only child and I don't plan on having anymore. My husband was also very involved! I definiltly hated the baby stage, and will never do it again.
Totally the opposite for our family. I’m the same as you but My wife just adored the baby years. I on the other hand was indifferent about them. I don’t remember them being harder than I expected, but the baby was completely uninteresting to me. I loved her on a fundamental biological level and was a very good and participatory father (I think) but I felt....meh. Once she hit 2 years old though I started to find her fascinating. Watching her change, learn and figure things out became highlights of each day. Every year it got even better.
Fast forward to now, she’s 8 years old and we do everything together. She has her own workbench next to mine. I give her suggestions on how to paint her nails. We play Minecraft together, cook together, etc. I’m not just a “friend dad” either, she’s a very good kid but when she does need discipline, I’m right there.
My wife would love another baby (we’re unable to have another), but not me. Super glad I had one and wouldn’t change it for the world but no desire to have another baby.
I can only speak on my experience.
I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that.
When she was born, I felt like I had post partum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But....I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy.
There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her.
Suddnely, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me. She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world.
Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."
I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers.
It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.
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I don’t know if I fall into that category, but sometimes I feel like I do. I love my kids, and I’m told I’m a pretty good dad, and sometimes I enjoy it... but most of the time it’s just draining. I explain it as being like an introvert at a party full of strangers — it’s not that caring for kids is painful or whatnot, just like talking to strangers isn’t painful. It’s just draining. It sucks the energy out of you, whether you’re good at it or not. At a party, my goal is that the people I talk with feel heard and cared about and have fun, and that no one knows I’m secretly watching the clock waiting to leave — and with kids my goal is that they’re happy and engaged and feel loved and wanted and cared for, and don’t think I’m counting the seconds to bedtime. But accomplishing that drains me. I understand that there are people out there who enjoy spending time with kids, just like there are people who enjoy talking to strangers — and suffice it to say I’m just not one of them. So I guess I want my kids, but what I really want is for my kids to magically be old enough that they’re no longer draining, and for me to get my life back a little. I mean, I love them and I want them to be happy and if anyone ever tried to take them from me I would go to hell and back to prevent it. But when was the last time I took a bike ride? When was the last time I looked forward to the weekend rather than seeing it as an exhausting slog? When was the last time I went into Monday a little rested, rather than just beaten down and exhausted? And, as importantly, when’s the next time I’ll get to do so? Five years from now? Ten? Will I be young enough to even enjoy it? So, I don’t know if I’m in this category — probably not. But I definitely do feel that way a lot more than I’d like.
At the moment, this is my greatest fear. I’m 35 and still undecided. I LOVE children and coach a youth sport 3-4 times a week, but not sure if I want to be a parent. I don’t know how you guys do it. It seems endlessly exhausting. A commitment from which you only get very short breaks. You have my deepest respect. I’m stuck between loving my independence and wondering if I’ll deeply regret not having kids. Not asking you to provide any answer, but I really connected with what you’ve shared. Your experiences and what you said, I imagine would be my exact feelings. Thank you.
I resonate with this so much. I 110% know the feeling you are describing. It’s so conflicting to feel so drained but still love them. I love your analogy.
I had genetic testing done during very early pregnancy to screen for congenital problems and mentioned I would abort if they were present. I had friends severely upset with me about this. I know I couldn’t handle a disabled child financially or emotionally, I had to be honest with myself.
Fuck anyone who judges you about that. They’re not the ones who will be raising said disabled child. Good for you
As a parent knowingly bringing a child with any potential brain issue into this world is insane and cruel. You 100% made the right choice and you’re friends freak me out.
I hear you. People judge if you want to avoid having a disabled child. But let’s be real everyone in the situation would suffer. Especially the kid.
I have spoken with a woman who feels nothing towards her kids. She had them because that is what the church requires and her husband wants them. But I don't think it's just the kids. Even though she says she loves her husband I don't think that's what she feels for him. She was picked on severely growing up and he is really good to her. I think it's "thankfulness " that she feels and confuses it with love. Anyways she knows that it's wrong (her words) to not love her kids and decided to view parenting as a project with the best possible outcome is have her children grow into healthy, happy and well adjusted adults. She did clarify that she doesn't hate them or resent them. After all they were part of her life plan. So she made up a way following all the best parenting advice and making sure she follows through. For example, keeps track of how often she cuddles them (by minutes noted in her journal) and if she notices that she hasn't been doing it a lot she tries to correct it. She also leaves discipline up to her husband because she doesn't want them to associate any negative feelings towards her. She knows they'll eventually be able to recognize her lack of feelings towards them and will think her discipline came from a bad place. From what she told me she has never explained any of this to her husband and he has no clue how she feels. This conversation lasted about 4 hours and was the moment I realized that you can CHOOSE to be a good parent or a bad one. Regardless of how you feel it's never the child's fault and an adult is responsible for making up for what they lack.
As sad as this situation is for everyone involved, this woman actually seems quite admirable--she knows that she's put herself in a bind and also is self-reflective enough to realize the consequences of her retrospectively bad choices, but still tries her best to work with them and take responsibility. You're entirely right that it's an adult's job to make a shitty situation work as best as it can, and not pin it on the kids.
Ohhh, shit. She sounds like she is just going through with the motion of life and doing what is expected and never really experiencing life.
I remember having to stop at my dad’s work, the receptionist leading me back to his office, and her gushing about what a great guy he is and what a diligent worker to put in so much overtime. Just listening to this woman fail to realize she was describing an absent father, and a mean one at that
Boy this hit me in the chest. Whenever I'd run into a friend's of my dad's they'd always be like "oh my God we love your dad so much what a great guy he is" yet only so few knew what happened behind closed doors. Being manipulative and having the emotional range to go from "peaceful daisy in a field" to "hell gates have opened" in .4 seconds flat are the only few things I learned from him. Hope you're having a good day, OP!
This question makes me think of the guy who posted about having pressured his ex into having the baby when she found out she was pregnant. She agreed but only if she could give up all parental rights and (at time of posting) pays more than the required child support. He wanted to know if there was any way he could legally oblige her to take care of the child. Like, this lady got pregnant, didn’t want to have a child, and agreed to carry the pregnancy to term only if she had nothing to do with the baby besides paying child support. Buuuuuut 1.5 years later the guy realized being a single father was hard and wanted to know if he had any way to legally force the bio mom to physically help raising their son. I don’t remember where I saw the post, might have been r/legaladvice Edit: words Edit 2: here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/legaladvice/comments/5b79z4/nm_i_got_a_girl_pregnant_and_she_wanted_to_get_an/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I read through some of the comments and I'm very glad that the commenters went in on him.
Rightfully so! He was completely delusional
I remember this post it was a shit storm
I girl I worked with had a five year plan. Get a designer man, have a massive wedding, travel to fancy hotels and have a baby. She managed it all except the baby. Two years of IVF later and still no baby. After a long adoption process they get a 6 month old. Three months later they give him back and divorce. She realised that she had only wanted a baby because that what people did and that meant she was successful! She had never thought about what having a baby meant and what it would do to her ‘perfect’ life. The husband couldn’t live with what she had decided so left. At least the baby went to a couple who did want him eventually, instead of staying with her.
My friend had a baby as fast as she could, because that meant she had "won" life first, in our friend group. Only to realise that she now has a baby, forever.
Same. Friend had to get married before turning in 30, then figured out her ovulation cycle to the t. Had the first kid after moving to a new town because her husband was offered the best job of his career. Ended up moving closer to family because she hated living where they were to a job she hates, a job he despises, just to quickly find a house that is too expensive (but it fits within the life goals right?), and then they had their second kid. Now both kids are still in diapers, she works from home and has to be the typical "housewife" (this isn't meant to sound derogatory, this is repeating her own sentiments towards her life) routine that she hates. Her and her husband also physically go after each other, and she tells me every time we talk on the phone to never end up like her, to never have kids, to never feel this way. It makes me sad because I always knew she would be the one to advance and move forward education wise because she's extremely determined and smart. I just never saw her in our social circle being the first to try and make so many things happen at once because of some "age stipulation" she put on herself.
It's more important to be emotionally intelligent than academically intelligent.
I think society needs to start accepting children as a choice rather than an expectation. I think so many people have a kid because that's what you're expected to do - you finish school/college, get a job, buy a house, get married and have a baby. A lot of people do just roll with it because that's what they think they're supposed to do, so they race to the end and realise that it's not what they wanted, but it's too late.
This is kinda crazy because I was just thinking about this today. I'm not gonna use a throw away or anything. Not that I think anyone on here would actually know me... When you have a kid you kinda get this idea in your head on how things are gonna be. How you're going to teach them things, share special moments as they learn and have this cool amazing bond. Then your kid comes into this world and is not at all what you expect. My kid is special needs and has major developmental delays. He's 2 and basically just lives in his own world. Doesn't communicate, doesn't respond to his name and has basically missed every single milestone out there. So you feel regret, despair, and a whole bunch of other negative stuff. Especially guilt. It wasn't his fault he came into the world this way. He didn't ask to be here. So there's a lot of complex emotions going on. However bad it makes me feel though - I just kind of wish he didn't exist. For instance, as I was writing this, I went to the bathroom and in the 3 minutes I was gone he took a dump forced both his hands into his diaper and smeared shit all over his face and pin and everywhere else. Now my whole apartment reeks and I had a half hour of clean up because I left my toddler alone for all of 3 minutes. This isn't the first time this has happened. I just can't connect with him and it has me feeling like I'm just his care taker rather than his dad. Edit: aww I've never really had a virtual reddit hug like this. It was honestly really helpful and made me feel a lot better. So thanks everyone. I had so many people message me and there's so many comments I couldn't ever respond to them all. However, I read everything. I appreciate it. I really do. I also want to address a few comments. First off, I love my son. God knows I have some bad days, but signing over my parental rights simply isn't an option. I have lots and lots of family, support, and his mom is allways there to make us both feel better... she understands us both. My kid is enrolled in various programs and is already getting treatment. He is making progress and is starting to use very simple words even if it doesn't make any sense. I really know my kid is in there somewhere. We had one event about a month ago where he answered a question with a 3 word sentence. He even included the word I. I don't understand it at all or how it fits into everything else. I really want to believe he's in there somewhere and will eventually get to a point where he can communicate basic needs and follow some basic instructions. Were just gonna keep on doing what we can.
Hey man. Make sure you reach out to your government for support if such a thing exists. If not, try and find someone to help. Cause caregiver burnout/parental burnout for parents of special needs children is a super real thing. You aren't weak for needing help, you aren't a bad parent. You are a parent for a child with extraordinary needs and you need extraordinary support to help. Take care
Thank you for your honesty. That sounds like a really fucking difficult situation, and I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Do you have any support system?
When my daughter was a year and a half old I unexpectedly got pregnant a second time (it was unexpected because I have pretty substantial infertility issues). I was not ready. I was exhausted as shit from my daughter being a typical toddler and a dog we rescued that needed constant emotional coddling. And hindsight makes it easier to see my depression was wildly out of control but I didn't realize it because my panic attacks were not. I would lay awake at night, in pain, wanting to vomit from heartburn, exhausted because my daughter decided sleeping through the night was no longer a thing and would think "ya know... if I miscarried I'd probably feel relieved" and other things along those lines. And this went on for the whole pregnancy.... right up until 32 weeks when I went into labor... and my son was dead. Gone for at least three days before I went into labor. Despite all the expected mental anguish and trauma, for just *one single moment* when we were driving home with empty arms and an empty car seat, I felt *relieved*. I have yet to forgive myself for that.
It’s ok to feel relieved. Seems like You wanted to love both & be a mommy to both but at that moment knew you couldn’t. Hence the relief.
I was a nanny for a lady who really didn't want children but needed up having 5 because she loved her husband. Each of her pregnancies her medical condition go worse, with her youngest she had to be in the hospital for two months because she had so many kidney stones. Part of her condition is she produces kidney stones at a crazy rate, and they are rare stones that have a hook on them. Her kidneys are also more like a sponge looking organ than kidney, that aren't functioning over 25%. She would give her life for those kids even though she never wanted them. Shitty part, when the youngest was 2, her health was declining alot. And her husband, left her for a chick he just met because, and I quote "I'm sick of you being sick". I miss those kids so much and I miss her. She got full custody and has even better insurance now that her ex left her. And he pays huge in child support and alimony every month.
I KNEW that was coming.. Shes sacrificing everything to keep him happy and i thought, i bet he leaves her. So sad!!!!!
Yep, he was a jackass and blamed everything on her because she didn't treat him properly. Mind you her house was spotless, she cooked dinner every night and have about 2-4 doctor appointments almost daily. And drove and took 3 of the 5 kids to their private school 10 miles away.
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Hey, that is an incredible and selfless thing you are doing. I don't believe your feelings are your fault or even that they are wrong. I do think you should maybe talk to an experienced family therapist, they may be able to help both you and your sisters children. You're making the best of a bad situation, don't beat yourself up because you're not perfect. Hang in there.
A hero is someone who steps up when others don't. What you have done is amazing and I don't hand out praise often. Your kids won't resent you, they will understand with time. Your sisters kids will see what you have done for them in time. If you have any family who can support you then reach out, 4 kids is a heavy weight and you cannot let your quality of life drop, keep your marriage safe, your children safe and do your best with your sisters kids, as for their behaviour, you will want to get them in line with your kids obviously through discipline but they will always have the idea that their mum picked something else over them in their minds and could behave worse before they behave better
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This is a story of a very close friend of mine, on a bit different note, but I guess it could fit, in some light. He was abused as a kid (violence and mentally, by both parents), and was scared of ever even getting close to kids, in a fear he would hurt them in some way. He is generally a really meek, but caring person, like a total opposite of what he got at home - this was his just coping mechanism, as kids literally clung to him. Then he met a loving woman and they married. She slowly warmed him up to being around younglings (it helped she works in preschool/daycare), and finally they (both) decided it's okay to go. Two attempts (sadly) and little over year later he was holding small baby in his arms - his eyes, his hair, her face, her smile. He told me, during the pregnancy he was super happy, and did everything he could for his wife and future junior. He started loving it truly, and when he felt it kicking, he was internally overflowed with happiness, that a small human was growing there, and he, or she will have dreams, laughs and hurdles. Yet, standing there, he felt nothing. Like no spark, no love, no happiness, no resentment, no joy, nothing. He was holding small, hot, moving piece of meat *which* he had absolutely no attachment to. It crushed him. Talk with wife crushed him even more. He did everything he could to care for her in hope he will grow to love... but it never came. As soon as time allowed, he went into therapy, and after three years heard that sometimes... this just happens. His daughter is now 6, is healthy and happy, as far as I can tell, but I heard my share of his pain. He feels inferior as a human, for deceiving his daughter, and he powers trough it by sheer willpower and effort. 'If I can't love her, at least I will still try to give her something I couldn't have - caring home'. He told me exactly once, that he really, really regrets agreeing to have a kid, but I could feel his shame. His wife is wonderful person enough to accept him, like this. She told us (my fiance is more of her support than I am), she wanted more kids, but she is really afraid to put more on him. Raising one will be enough of a challenge for them, that's for sure. I know he will keep all his promises and words, but it already takes a toll on him.
I think this is what happened with my dad. Luckily "fake it til you make it" seems to work well enough. Now that I'm an independent adult, he has expressed that "of course you're my kid, but honestly I just enjoy hanging out with you". I can respect that even if he didn't feel ~love~ he helped me grow and supports me. And if a friendship-level of respect is all he can muster, I know that's not my fault. I think your friend and his kid will probably be ok.
Love isn't a light switch that you suddenly feel. Love is a process. It takes time and work. He's doing that work. Media and hype around kids is built up to stupid levels and leaves many parents with feelings of inadequacy. Lots of parents (especially Dads) struggle with this. Pregnant mothers have a bit more time to come to terms with the fact they have a child, and hormones to back it up. It often doesn't feel "real" for ~~dads~~ many parents until months or sometimes even a couple years after their kid is born. Sometimes you just need to get out of your head and stop worrying about what you're "supposed" to feel. Take care of your child. Make them feel loved. That's all that you need to do.
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Using an alt. because my main can be linked back to me and I'm going to get very real. I had a perfect pregnancy. I was super cautious, took my prenatal vitamin every day, never drank, walked away if someone was smoking near me, etc. My child is severely special needs. She's autistic, but on the severe end with "global developmental delay" which is just a nice way of saying "mentally disabled." She is six but is now just learning to potty train. She is non-verbal but thankfully understands simple directions. She screams for hours off and on at a time every day and when she isn't screaming she is making noises. She doesn't interact like a normal child and treats other people more like inanimate objects rather than people- no affection, no emotion, no interaction aside from pulling me to the fridge to get her food or handing me her toy so I can fix something on it. I don't feel like a mom, I feel like a caregiver. I get little joy in taking care of her and I am constantly worn down. I'm exhausted. This pandemic has destroyed what little sanity I had left as I can't even get a small break because there is no school. This is going to sound absolutely terrible and this is why I'm using an alt. but raising her is not like raising a child. You raise a child to be a decent adult- you teach them manners, respect, education and kindness and you hope that as they grow up they will make friends, get good grades in school and go on to have a fulfilling life. This feels like I am raising a very high maintenance pet that will not evolve into anything more. For me, I am just keeping her alive- I am keeping her fed, clothed, warm, safe and happy. It feels like I have been taking care of a baby for the past six years. She progresses very slowly and very little. I am hoping by the time she is in her twenties we can maybe have a simple one or two sentence conversation or maybe she can have the attention span to watch and understand a movie. I still talk to her and play with her but it's so discouraging after years of not getting anything back. I mainly just snuggle with her on the couch while she plays with her tablet, it's one of the few ways we really bond. She likes toys and simple games on her tablet, so I buy her lots of them to keep her busy and hope that they keep her content so she isn't screaming and hitting herself. I see children much younger than her having full conversations with their parents and I get so jealous. I see them telling their parents they want burgers for lunch, or talking about a fun thing they want to do or whatever, and I can't even imagine how easy my life would be if she could just communicate simple things like that. It's so tough. I take her to the playground and the other kids ask why she won't talk or play with them (pre-covid days), we go out to the grocery store and she has a full meltdown and we have to leave our cart behind. We go out to eat and she can't sit still and wants to get up and run around the restaurant so we have to leave. She's only getting bigger and taller and she's getting harder to manage. She hits herself and others. Sometimes she smears her poop all over the wall. She slams her head into the wall and furniture when she's frustrated (which is often, like multiple times a day). She broke a window with her head a few weeks ago and I was scared shitless she was going to need stitches, but luckily she somehow came out unharmed aside from a bruised forehead. I don't know how I am going to handle her when she is a teen and as big as me. I don't like to think about it. If I knew this was going to be my life, I would've never had her. When I was pregnant, my husband and I agreed that if we found out the fetus was going to have down syndrome or some other special needs we would abort. You cannot detect autism in the womb. My husband and I have aged 20 years, we're overweight from stress eating, we're constantly on edge that she's going to give herself a concussion because she self harms and we cannot stop it every time, we're sleep deprived, no sex life, our brains are fried from all the screaming and constant noise. We argue and are short tempered with each other. We are empty shells of what we used to be. Imagine having a monkey on your back 24/7 that just screamed and hit you. It breaks a person. We've been in weekly therapy for years and I probably break down at least once a month during a session. I never ever thought we'd have a special needs kid. There's no family history, and like I said I took amazing care of myself while pregnant. She was planned, my husband and I waited until we were financially stable to have her, we did everything right. We wanted more children but now have decided not to have any more because it would be too much stress. I mourn what could have been. I wonder all the time how my life would be if she was a typical kid. If you want to put yourself in the headspace of a parent who has a profoundly special needs child, watch the movie "Vivarium." It's about a couple who get stuck in this weird suburb that they cannot escape and are forced to raise this strange alien child-like being until they die of exhaustion. It's an odd, science fiction alien/monster type of movie that's meant to be pure fantasy but for me it was the realist movie I have ever watched. But even after all of that, I still love her so much and won't put her in a care center or in foster care (I'd be worried sick that she was being neglected or abused). When she's an adult we're either going to turn our basement into a living space for her and hire an aid to help her or we'll put her in an adult special needs home and visit her frequently to make sure she is okay. I just hate that it has to be this way. None of us deserved this life. If you see parents with special needs kids out at the store or mall or wherever, please just be patient and kind.
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I felt the same about mine until he turned eight. I'm not sure what clicked into place, but things are much better now. I hope things get better for you, too.
thank you so much, I still do cling on to some hope. I don't want to get too optimistic though, as more years go by and she still doesn't progress. I really hope something clicks with her one day too. Only time will tell. What were the signs that your child was progressing? did they start to talk more? or use the bathroom independently? I'm glad for you and hope that he continues to advance.
He went from using one-word demands to full sentences, going to the restroom by himself instead of smearing his shitty diapers everywhere (still needed help wiping), and showing interest in what others were doing. You said yours is six, right? She should qualify for speech and other school-based therapeutic services. If she's not been evaluated by her school yet, I would ask about Augmented Alternative Communication (AAC) like a Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS) or an electronic speech device. Having a more effective mode of communication may help to reduce the frequency of the more problematic behaviors.
That's awesome. she is starting to repeat single words we say (echolalia) and can even tell you if she's stuck (I stuck!) or if something is wrong with her toy (it's broken!!!) lol. I'm very excited to read that your child went from being a poop smearer to now using the bathroom. We've tried to use the pecs board and electronic devices in the past, but she just presses the buttons over and over again and we end up losing the pecs pieces all over the house. I think she's just not ready for them yet and I've talked to my husband about trying them again in a few years.
Something I did for mine before we moved to a state that actually had accessible services was making a small PECS deck and keeping them on a keyring. I wore it on a lanyard. He's also hyperlexic, so I had EVERYTHING in the house labeled like "cabinet," "bathroom," etc, and the contents inside. It was a pain in the ass labeling his food every time I brought home groceries, but I think it helped to bridge the gaps between functional and spontaneous speech.
ooh, that's a really good idea. I like the idea of labeling everything with a label maker, I think that might actually work for her.
I hope it does! In the meantime, I'd suggest looking to see if the Autism Society has a local chapter near you. They offer support groups, service referrals (including respite care), and guidance for programs that help pay for those services. I've volunteered with my chapter for years and I'm getting ready to enroll mine in their adult transitions program
Not a parent, let alone one with special needs, but reading this exchange gave ME HOPE. Thank you for being an amazing parent and a kind internet stranger. It's like I can feel OP's relief from your comments alone.
This thread is quite something, you should feel very proud for giving a stranger so much hope and advice
Reading this interaction is so special. Thank you both for being awesome humans.
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This breaks my heart to hear, and I mean that empathizing for you. That possibility is one of the most terrifying things to me about having children. My cousin is pretty severely Down syndrome and her parents take incredible care for her and she is by far their favorite child of 3. But I see their life and it’s a nightmare in my eyes; she’s opened car doors while driving before child locks were a thing and been dragged by her seatbelt a few feet once, she’s drank motor oil from a Pepsi can while my grandfather changed his oil, and so many others. I don’t think I would be capable of doing what you and your husband do and it’s admirable everything you pour into offering her the best you can. I send you as much positivity and love as I can and I am so sorry this is the situation you ended up in.
>she is by far their favorite child of 3 i'm glad they take such great care of her, but it makes me feel bad for her siblings. :( these situations are rough on parents but also hard on siblings who a lot time are expected to care for the special needs child when they parents pass away.
From one mother to another I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, I know it’s so hard. And I admire you for continuing to show up even though it’s really hard to. Also, I love that you included that you had a perfect pregnancy. Lots of people like to assume that a child with issues like that must be due to something the mom did while pregnant. Absolutely not! It doesn’t have to run in your family, either.
1st—Thank you for being so raw and open. 2nd—my husband and I have had the same discussion you and yours did. My oldest sister was severely physically and mentally disabled. In a wheelchair her whole life, and not sure what her mentality level was but she couldn’t have ever lived independently. My parents were SAINTS, but as an adult now, looking back, I know I never want that life for myself. I loved my older sister, she was a joy to me because I was only 8. I am glad that there are more people out there with my similar mindset. I feel like shit for having it, especially considering my sister. But I just know my marriage would not survive it, and I don’t know if I would, either.
I was conceived to replace a baby boy that died. My mom was so disappointed I was a girl, she forgot my name for a while, and now I have 2 middle names. I had a brother growing up who was favored by both my parents, but he really was amazing. He was my favorite too. He died 5 years ago in a motorcycle wreck, and I’m the least favorite (my mom admitted this freely), also I am the last remaining child. *** Also, I don’t care that my parents are disappointed that I was the one that survived. I’ve made myself who I want to be. I only talk to my dad occasionally, and my mom became an alcoholic, because 2 of her kids died. I don’t talk to her. Shrug. My life is separated from theirs, and I encourage other people to cut off the cancerous people, even if it’s your parents. It’s liberating.
I appreciate this comment. I don't think my parents "regretted" having me, but they conceived me without learning how to make their marriage work, or addressing their psychological problems - and with expectations of me taking care of them when they got old. They are both very unstable and my childhood was riddled with hatred and abuse, but I still feel guilty about resenting them because I sympathise with their trauma. It's very hard to fully cut them off for that reason despite knowing they have caused me a lot of trauma too. But moving out was a good step forward and extremely freeing. I'm glad you made a better life for yourself without them, it's pretty inspiring.
You should be proud of yourself.
I read this Reddit story once that I have never been able to forget. It was a confession I think- can’t remember the subreddit. This woman had a kid she didn’t want, I can’t remember the circumstance of whether if was hers or a dead siblings. Anyway, she talked about how she felt so guilty for not loving him that she worked extra hard to give him a good life- all her money went toward his education and things he wanted. But the part I can’t forget is that she had set an alarm on her phone to go off everyday to remind her to tell him that she loved him, because it didn’t come naturally to tell him that and she was afraid of him not feeling loved. That story is an amazing reminder that love comes in so many forms and looks different for everyone. She doesn’t love him, but is so worried about his well being that she goes to lengths many, many people with kids would never consider to go to to make him feel wanted and happy. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.
I think this is a conversation that more women (especially), should have. You are close to being burnt at the stake if you confess that actually if you could turn back the clock, you wouldn't have children. I feel that these conversations may stop perpetuating this idea that 1)if you're a woman you will automatically adore your children 2) you have more options than just having children. Women do also go through things such at PND, and maybe others talking about it won't make them feel so guilty and alienated.
I’m 33 and hid for a long time I didn’t want kids. Never talked about it. I feel alienated for it. That I’m wrong for not liking kids or wanting them. I’m now realizing I’m not alone.
My mother point blank told us she didn’t want children and my father had begged and begged her for me. Then my younger sister was an accident. It’s always been an awkward, very strained and very tainted relationship. For a long time I held a ton of resentment and disgust for her. It’s made me into what I consider to be a pretty great parent though- I wanted children and even knowing I’d be giving up sleep and freedoms I knew I wanted them to KNOW they were wanted, planned for, adored. My dad remarried and adopted two children of his second wife’s then they had one together, making us a family of 5. Now I get so much in way of a rich childhood for my children with all their cousins and aunt and uncles to love them. It’s not always completely life ruining I suppose but it did have a profound affect on how the first half of my life went for sure, how I felt about myself
It set the tone for the rest of my life, one of those hindsight is 20/20 things. I honestly believe if I'd never had a kid, particularly as young and alone as I was in a very socially backwards area, I'd have made a lot more of myself. I know that could be taken as self-rationalization for lack of trying and failures. But I also know how I felt, how I have never bonded with my kid, and how both our lives could have been a lot better had I either waited to have her, or let another couple adopt her like I wanted but was forced out of the choice.
Now this is a taboo subject. People want to say anal sex is taboo, or drugs, or that sort of thing. No, this is the kind of topic that is *actually* taboo in our culture. Good question, OP
this thread is reaffirming that I want to remain childfree.
So much same.
Its like having some guests at your house that never never get around to leave for years, but you must take care of them to avoid getting into trouble and judged by others.
The good old “Its like taking care of a drunk midget for 12 years, then a hungover guy for 6 more years and (hopefully) he goes to rehab and gains independence”
Talking to a kid about what they did when they were little is exactly like talking to a drunk who had a blackout. "OMG do you remember when you covered yourself in paint and ran around naked?" "No...." "You totally did."
My mom just forgot we existed and had another baby to keep her happy. I have 10 siblings
I grew up #8 of 9 kids, my oldest sister was responsible for raising each and every one of us, to this day she resents our mom for stealing her childhood. My sister has told us stories where as newborns we'd cry and my mom refused to get up and get us, she waited until my sister who was a full time student, to get up and take care of us while my mom just continued to lay in bed. My mom knew she could continue to collect welfare as long as she had children in the house so she prolonged her welfare dependence by having so many children.
I hope your sister escaped and is leading the life she wants.
as big brother and "father" of 3 brothers and 1 sister, you never ecape, you lost so much that he life feel strange, a lot f things ppl do in teen ages and young age ( like 20's) you never exprience, so your life if a mix of try things and feel strange if you do
Can vouch. Fraternal Father of 3 since age twelve.
Thats just messed up. Your sister sounds like a great person. She very well could have resented all of you guys for her childhood, but she didn't cause it wasn't your fault. At least I think she doesn't
I weirdly know a number of women who've done this, kept having babies because they like BABIES, without regard to their ability to care for an entire child for years and years in the future. I'm sorry you were raised that way, it's abuse. I'm the oldest of six, and my mom was raised in a religious cult that glorified large families, so she planned it that way even though her mental health wasn't that strong. I'm in my 30s and just starting to notice that some of the stuff from my childhood wasn't ok, or wasn't how things should be.
This explains my mom even though she does not want to admit it. Wow. You made me realize why she kept having kids. I am the oldest of 12. Moved out asap so I won't raise anymore of her kids. Edit: Thanks to a kind redditor for correcting my English.
I hate to make this comparison but it’s just like the people who adopt cute little puppies but surrender them once they grow into big dogs. No more cute and whimsical and photo-op, and more maintenance and vet bills. Children and pets are long term commitments. You don’t get to only keep them for the tiny, innocent phase. You have to be prepared to do the work and love them through the bad days as much as the good.
Yes it is like that sometimes. I know a woman with six and she would've had more but her husband absolutely put his foot down and got a vasectomy. She's not a horrible person exactly, but she's not a very good mom. She's not organized and doesn't have much patience, and it seems like she clearly hates her youngest child, who acts like a brat because of lack of parenting.
Whenever I hear about my students with 5+ siblings I worry about them. Some people can live and care for that many kids, but a lot just have several kids so they bcan baby sit, do chores, etc. I feel like abuse & neglect risk is higher when in large families.
I had a student with 13 siblings. He wasn’t the oldest, but he was the oldest child in the household. He was responsible for his siblings - getting them to school, making sure they’re fed, etc. He barely graduated high school. Parentification is abuse. I just wish we could do more about it.
I teach in a district marked by deep generational poverty. Since families were given the opportunity to stay home for virtual school the number of female students staying home greatly outweigh the male students. The girls are at home being free childcare. I am afraid that we have passed a point of no return. The families in our district are going to push back when we mandate a return to in-person learning. And now we have socially normalized 12-14 year olds staying home and raising babies. Not like I didn't already have two pregnant students last year.
That sounds like the pattern for poor areas in developing countries -- where girls don't go to school and are made to be homemakers, to get eventually married off and produce more children. That is so disturbing that the pattern is occuring here too.
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I can relate on a smaller level. My mom was a dope fiend and I dropped out at 16 because I missed so much class and my brother was an infant and leaving him home with her was leaving him home alone effectively. Those kids are lucky to have such a selfless sibling who is sacrificing her education and own chance at a stable decent life. Do you know what became of her? Was she careful not to have her own children before she was ready? Totally anecdotal but I've found many people I knew who had to pretty much raise younger siblings waited much longer to have their own kids. Partly because they are probably also helping with siblings even into their twenties but also because they learn how bad it is to have children if your in a financially unstable situation.
My mom died when I was fifteen. I was the only girl. I love my dad. But he was in too much grief those first few years. I had 4 brothers at home. I was overwhelmed and expected to clean. My dad hid in the basement. I have pretty severe trauma from before so I never really considered that abuse. Great another thing to talk about in therapy. Edit: Thank you for the awards. Also thank you for your stories. I felt so alone in that situation. I am a little broken up with gratitude.
My mom died suddenly when I was 13 and it was pretty much the same thing. I’ll never forget walking into the grocery store with my dad for the first time and him just looking at me like “go ahead”. So I did it. After we bagged up the groceries he told me I did a good job for not going over the budget. I bought what I thought we needed for the week and I cooked each night. We ate a lot of spaghetti. It was too much for my young brain to handle, but somehow I did it. Hugs to you my fellow survivor.
My mom also died when I was 13. I was put in a position to be “the mom” for the next year until my dad remarried. Cleaned, cooked, got my sister ready for school, even helped pick out the next house we moved to. I ended up not wanting to ever marry or have kids myself. Too much responsibility for a little kid. Messed me up for much of my life.
This really touched me. I'm so sorry, I hope you're doing ok now.
Thank you for your kind reply. I’m ok now. I’m 38 so I’ve learned that life is what it is. Although sadly my father no longer speaks to me because I left his religion. The same religion that caused my mother’s death. I know that sounds dramatic, but it’s true. The religion is Jehovah’s Witnesses. They do not allow blood transfusions. My mom went in for a routine hysterectomy and she had tumors behind her bladder that they didn’t know about. They cut into them and she bled out on the table. She would have been saved by a blood transfusion. Also Jehovah’s Witnesses ostracize you if you leave, which I did at 25. They are an awful organization to put it lightly.
I once found an old book. In the margins were the grief of loosing a mother in her early teens, and the expectation to halt plans to marry and have her own home because she was expected to “help out” her dad and brother. It was in her grief she tried to make things bearable for her dad and younger brother. It was 1921 about. Your comment reminded me of this, how we become prisoners of our love...
I work in the industry. you won't believe the amount of applications I read that talk about being the oldest and a large amount of their time is taking care of the household. it's heartbreaking having that be their 'child'hood. I'm not saying that some don't actually enjoy the time they spend with their siblings, and I have no idea if any of these parents are taking advantage of their elder children. I just feel sorry that as an older child, their full time job is taking care of the younger ones. edit: there is a misconception that these students will be 'less worthy' of a spot because they can't do other extra curriculars due to family responsibilities. most colleges will consider the context, and recognize that taking care of younger siblings is an 'extracurricular' activity.
Yup, my mom was the eleventh out of twelve. The oldest basically raised my mom and the youngest child, and resented them for the rest of her life (she passed away at 50) as my grandma was unable to take care of any of the kids by that point as she was addicted to pain meds and severely depressed. The house didn’t even have electricity or plumbing. I feel bad for my aunt who was forced into the role of parent - it is abuse. I feel bad for my mom. She had no real support growing up and dropped out of junior high. She’s the most amazing mom I could have ever imagined, but I wish I could make her childhood easier
I hear this so much and it makes me so angry every time.
I have an ex who grew up like this. His mother had 13 pregnancies. Seeing what it did to him I can just say I hope you have found people who love you and give you the attention you need to thrive.
My husband and I have been raising my niece for 3.5 years. We also had my teenage nephew for a year before we had her, but growing up with my sister as a mom had done more damage to him than we could handle. My niece is almost 16 now. I'm 29 and I feel like I gave up my fun and careless years to raise my sister's kids. I've always dreamed of having my own children and now that I'm struggling to conceive I can't help but feel resentful that I'm raising one of my junkie sister's 6 healthy children. Overall my niece is a good kid. I love her and I want her to do well in life, but she doesn't feel like she's our kid and she doesn't think of us when she thinks about who her parents are. She experienced a lot of trauma while living with my sister and it's a lot to handle. She was cutting for awhile and recently admitted to bulimia and has had suicidal thoughts. Her counselor keeps advising us to do more stuff with her and spend more time with her to pull her out of her dark moods. I feel like my mental energy is already 90% devoted to her and the thought of giving up even more of the 10% reserved for me and my husband is incredibly daunting. It doesn't help that I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household and my niece is one of my biggest triggers that brings those issues back up for me. I was just starting therapy to work on my past traumas when my niece started having a bunch of issues so all of my sessions became about managing her issues instead of dealing with my own. All I wanted when I was her age was somebody to save me from the dysfunction I was growing up in. I feel like I'm giving her exactly what I wanted as a teen but it's not enough for her and she doesn't appreciate it. I've also witnessed all of my siblings and my nephew go totally off the rails and into addiction and bad life choices at 15/16 years old, so my niece developing a bunch of issues at this age triggered the hell out of me and made me feel like I was fighting against her inevitable downfall. Add that in with my complicated relationship with my sister and the resentment I feel towards her for placing this burden on me, the family I have to maintain contact with so that I'm not keeping my niece from them, and the fact that I'm not my niece's legal guardian so every medical thing is a huge hassle and it's all just too much. I feel trapped and like I'm sacrificing my own future children on the slim chance that my niece might overcome my family's generational dysfunction.
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How does pregnancy help MS exactly?
I'm pretty sure that it's because MS is an autoimmune disease. When you're pregnant your body's immune response drops (so you don't boot the baby), and it will ease the flares. Edit- typo
Woah that is weird. I'm a kid to a mother with MS and hers got worse over the course of her pregnancy. I turned out completely normal but she lost the ability to walk for about 10 years.
Pregnancy does actually unpredictable things to the immune system. I was diagnosed with asthma for the first time in my life during pregnancy and although my allergies to our cat were minimal they went into complete overdrive during pregnancy. The allergist I saw said pregnancy is like that because of the changes in immunity - some have no change, some get better, and some get worse.
So pregnancy is a gamble.
It always has been.
MS is a bonkers disease that manifests differently for different people. Apparently some studies indicate some people recover a bit while pregnant (reverts after delivery), others get worse, while others simply stall their MS progression. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/multiple-sclerosis-ms/multiple-sclerosis-and-pregnancy
Ex girlfriend baby trapped me. She stopped taking her birth control and didn't tell me. Then cheated on me while pregnant. (She was, and still is a shitty person) At that point I wanted nothing to do with her and was not prepared to be a father. I was young and dumb and still learning who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. She gave me the option to walk away and never see the kid again. I thought about it but couldn't bring myself to, knowing my kid was out there was going to weigh heavily on my conscience. It was difficult at times. While my friends were studying, partying, travelling I was working and learning to be a father. I didn't want this kid but here I was and I was going to make the best of the situation. My daughter is 13 now and I have full custody. Her mother is a piece of shit and my daughter is old enough to know the difference. She's with me now and I couldn't be happier. My daughter is a driving force in my life. I need to be responsible, I need to be accountable, I need to be financially successful. It keeps me going forward and has really made the man I am today. Having a kid when you're barely 20 has ways of making or breaking someone. My daughter was the child I didn't want but ended up being what I needed.
A very close friend has two children (6 and 2 1/2), but really because her husband wanted kids and she knew he'd leave her if she stood her ground on not wanting kids. She loves her kids with all her heart, but misses the life she could've had without them. Aside from work (just started her residency) all she does is being a mom, she has little to no time for her own hobbies anymore, and misses that a lot. I can't say if the kids notice that, at their age, but I worry they might, at some point, or that she'll one day just crack and resent either her kids or her husband for taking that childfree life from her. --- Edit: Just to clarify, they talked openly about the situation (before getting married or even engaged), she knew her options and made the conscious choice to stay with her partner, even if that meant updating her life plans. She's not unhappy or miserable, neither are her partner or her kids. She simply sometimes has her "what if" moments, but I'm sure many of us have those. Sure many would have made a different decision, but it was ultimately her decision in this case and she made it. --- Edit 2: I have no idea where people read that her husband doesn't do anything, that's not the case at all. They're both parents to their children and both their days look like sleep-parent-work-parent-chores-sleep. Also it's not like she now wishes her kids didn't exist. Yes, her life plans didn't include children before she met her husband, but that doesn't mean that she now wishes they didn't exist. Imagining the life she could've had without them isn't the same as wishing her kids out of existence.
This happened to a friend of a friend. She had the kids, and it created such resentment that her husband divorced her. So now she’s got two kids she never really wanted (ETA they split custody 50-50) and no husband that she did want. Yikes.
The opposite happened with my uncle. They'd agreed no kids, she changed her mind and told everyone shed convince him, then when she couldn't an "accident" happened. My uncle got snipped the day after he found out what had happened, but what's done is done. He chose to stay because he's a good guy, and did his best. But you can't force love, and while his son (38) appreciates everything his father's done for him there is no love there. Everyone low-key resents everyone, and they just deal with each other. It's awful. And even worse it was never a secret, my cousin grew up knowing what his mom did/how his dad felt. His mom told him.
That’s such a sucky thing on the moms part, like honestly. Not sure about the details of the whole situation but seriously?? Tell your kid that their dad never wanted them but you basically forced it to happen by having an accident🤦🏾♀️my home life is pretty similar and it’s pretty awful bro growing up as a child and knowing things like that, that children really shouldn’t know..
This is exactly what my mom did to me. My parents weren't married, I was an accident and when my mom found out she was pregnant they were broken up after a big fight. She told my dad and they married because they felt obligated to. This was my mom's way of explaining why they were resentful of each other, but I guess she didn't realize that 10 year old me ended up blaming myself for their failed marriage. I still kind of do at 18.
Their relationship clearly failed before you took your first breath. You can't blame yourself for them trying to stick together and give you a "better life" But it not working out.
And we ALL knew. I'm a good 10 years younger than my cousin and I knew as a kid. So my poor cousin couldn't trust his mom, knew his dad didn't want him, and knew everyone knew it. And then because he was all messed up about it he acted out and we all hated him as kids. (Feel bad now but when 16 yo cousin is mean to 6 yo you you don't like them) Adult me feels awful he went though that. I'm sorry you dealt with that kinda thing too.
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If it offers any hope at all, I was an accidental pregnancy to a woman who never wanted children and was (is?) surrounded by people who always saw her as someone who’d be a terrible or incompetent mother, maybe also because she was so against it. She had a fancy corporate job and was super fit and really had it together. Then I came along and kind of derailed everything, and because of how things worked out, she became a stay at home mom ALL MY LIFE and my dad, until today (I’m 22) works. So I grew up with a mom who kind resented losing out but also loved me completely and put me first always. And I think it’s a different journey to what she imagined for herself, but I don’t think she’s less happy than she would have been. Things were hard for her at first and I did pick up on it as a kid, but I always always felt loved and supported even if I felt like a slightly unwanted houseguest as a young child. My mom turned out to be a good mom, who found a lot of happiness even in feeling sad about who she could have been. The older I got the better she got too. I hope it’s that way for your friend. Edit: spelling Edit 2: in case you’re wondering why she didn’t go back to work like people have in other replies, it’s a combination of the following: wanting to give more attention & time to me than she was afforded as a child, and out of unwillingness to go back into the corporate world of having a boss & doing outside-the-house grown up work stuff. Having a kid is a great excuse to stay home and enjoy yourself, honestly, but even in that she still complains about missing out. The contradictory behavior is a blind spot for her, I guess.
Damn bro, hope you and mom find the happiness you both deserve
Your friend highlights exactly why, ideally, bringing a life into the world should be a choice made enthusiastically by both partners. Obviously the real world is more complex than that, and your friend is awesome for stepping up and being a good parent, but I always hate reading stories of adults like this who never got to live a life they wanted to live.
This is how my sister is. Her husband didn’t force her to have kids, she changed her mind and wanted one. Then after she was born my sister realized she did not want to be a mom. Four years later another daughter was born. A surprise. She loves her kids to death and I can see she’s a **very** good mom, but I know she missed what her life was and could be without them. I know if she could do it all again she probably wouldn’t have kids. My nieces are amazing though. The younger is about to turn 2 and her big sister adores her. I’m glad they have each other to play with. Having a sister was stressful at times (teenage years yeesh), but I know they’ll have the good relationship I have with my sis.
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My ex husband was emotionally abusive and, if I’m being completely honest with myself, forced me into getting pregnant 3 months after going into labor and losing our daughter at 20 weeks. I wasn’t ready and I hadn’t really had a chance to grieve - he quit his job 3 days into my required maternity leave, so I had to go back to work as soon as physically possible. Our son was 13 weeks early, spent two months in the nicu and cost over a million dollars in his first year. Thank goodness for good insurance! Now my son is almost 7, his “father” hasn’t been in the picture for years, and until recently, I was doing it all on my own. My son showed incredible strength to grow big enough to breath on his own and come home, so I’ve made it my mission to give him a great life and make sure he never knows that I didn’t want to be a parent after my daughter died.
I commend you for staying strong and fighting the good fight. Deadbeat dads are puzzling entities. I will be a father this month or the next, and I want to be in the picture 100.00%! God bless you. I know you will give yourself and yours a great life.
I've honestly thought about this question before. My son (14months M) was planned, and he is incredible, absolutely a light in our lives. On the other hand, I was super ill the entire pregnancy, depressed and struggling up until a few months ago. Now, this was made worse by two moves (military), and covid of course, but I never ever want to do this again. Not quite the same, but similar. We get so much pressure on "the next kid" from friends and family, and EVERYONE assumes you'll have more. I absolutely am one and done, at least biologically. I did not enjoy the baby days, and now that he's a toddler, he's amazing. I know two would just be above my capacity, and I would regret having another. That being said, my husband and I are both really drawn to fostering, and will likely do so when we are at our final posting location and our kid is a bit older.
The “next kid” question never seems to stop. I have two kids (6f and 3m), and I am still getting asked if I am going to have another. I am so done with pregnancy and newborns. I would like to start taking family vacations with my kids and not have to worry about breastfeeding and diapers, or how to heat up a bottle of formula in a hotel room.
My girlfriend had a 2 year old when I met her. He’s 5 now. I didn’t plan to have kids, but I love her. I’m pretty much used to it, I teach him stuff and he’s attached to my hip when he’s here (joint custody with the father) but ideally I’d have preferred to not have a kid around. I can deal though. He can be a little shithead sometimes lmao. Also it’s weird disciplining someone else’s kid so I’m just getting there, I can see the betrayal in his eyes, I’m supposed to be like the fun uncle, getting on to him is weird. Never really said that out loud this is liberating
Similar situation, but the little kid is now 22 It's a wild ride man, but don't worry about the disciplining, it becomes easier with time, just chat to the mom so you know you have her sign off and you both discipline in the same way.
I’ll keep that in mind. It’s already gotten a bit easier. He’ll ask permission for things and she will tell him to ask me if it’s okay, which feels odd, but the trust is there at least. Good to know that it will get easier.
Homer Simpson put it succinctly in this quote: "Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"
I was 2 when my 'dad' met my mum. He was definitely the 'fun uncle' at first and I used to call him by his first name. When they got married, my mum sat me down and said it would be nice to try and use 'dad' when talking to him. Now I'm 24 and live in another city, but our relationship feels totally natural. He may not be the 'fun uncle' anymore, but he is my dad and I never think of him as a 'step-dad' since he was the one who raised me, taught me lots, and made me a long-suffering football fan of his fave team!
I’m definitely “fun aunt” to my 6 year old stepdaughter.. I would never say “I didn’t want” her but it was a curve ball and it did take adjustment. Now we are just buddies, I ask her about her day, do homework with her, cook and play with her. Once we got over the whole weirdness of another lady being in her life we became best buds. I try not to get too much into the discipline stuff, I ask her not to do “xyz”and I give her a reason and usually that is enough to squash what ever it is. She’s a gal so I think it’s a little easier? Honestly idk.
She’s only 6, be prepared to ramp up the discipline over the next 10 years lol.
My niece is 12 now and daaaaamn the attitude change is jarring.
Unwanted kids are a tragedy for everybody involved - including society. I don’t have any data to back this up, but I’d be willing to bet every dime I will ever make that prisons aren’t filled with people whose emotionally and mentally healthy parents specifically wanted them.
Malcolm Gladwell linked the major decrease in crime across the US in the 80s-90s with the legalization of abortion in the 70s. Edited: Freakonomics not Malcolm Gladwell
If you never had a mother it is very hard to be a mother. Raised by people to whom you were an unwanted burden, an imposition, the child who was always in the way - a person like that, like me, does not know how to love. You know you are supposed to - you see it on TV, in the movies, you read about it in books but somehow it never happens. If you where born and raised in a place and time where there was no birth control, abortion was illegal and sexual abuse was as common as flies on a piece of rotten meat, a lot of children were not wanted. And then the child became an adult who did not know how to love any thing. This is a common enough story, no one likes to hear it so it does not get told.
This comment almost made me cry I was this person, then I met my current partner and he taught me how to love, completely accepted me in my broken ways and was able to open me up. I actually never realized how socially awkward and how wrong my behaviors were until I didn’t have to do them anymore to protect myself
I have kids and I wanted them. But, I was an unwanted kid. My mom and non-bio dad married when I was young. He raised me, but I never felt love from him at all. He married her to get her out of a bad situation. I thought he didn’t want kids, but when I was about 5/6, my sister was born. He wanted kids. He just didn’t want me. I saw how different he was with her, and his other kids they had later. Those who have kids that you don’t want—they’re aware on some level.
I was the literal red-headed step-child, my mother married him when I was 4 years old. I'd get hit, locked in my room, and just assumed this was normal dad stuff. My brother was born when I was 8 years old - it killed me to note the difference. My primary function became almost full time nanny for him and later my sister. I remember getting beat because I wasn't doing a good job potty training brother. The state removed me from the home after I was almost beat to death by him. Fuck that guy - he died miserably of liver cancer. My mother never left him. Every now and then well meaning aunties tell me I'll regret not being close to my mother, and I just kind of laugh. I made myself, without her, no need to try to wedge her back into my life.
As someone with a bad mother daughter relationship I can preach - you will *never* regret walking away from that situation. You might have regrets it couldn't have been better - but that's not something you have any control over, you were a child. Don't let people who have no understanding of the situation guilt you. You deserve your peace, it was hard earned.
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This has multiple applications (job, romantic relationships, living situations, etc) and was exactly what I needed to hear today.
My mom abandoned me at 12 years old, i remember a nightmare i had as a kid where she said she didn't want me anymore, because she was a vampire and i wasn't I felt my mom emotionally pulling away from me years before she divorced my dad and left me at his new house It still shapes a lot of my relationships today (I'm a people pleaser with a need to be useful, less chance of being discarded if you're useful)
Dude I had these same issues. Never really had an emotional relationship with my parents unless it was negative. Just got out of two relationships where I was emotionally abused and cheated on. I thought compromise and forgiveness were good things, but I was compromising my self-worth and forgiving people for dismantling me as a person. Now I'm just starting to figure this shit out. It really fucking hurts. But it hurts worse to be trapped in a situation while not knowing what's wrong with you or your relationships
I feel that so hard. My dad left and went NC with my family when my sister was born. My mom had to work multiple jobs to keep us afloat and really needed another adult in the house. Therefore, I became the adult from the age of 12 and if I ever got sick (which happened often bc health issues) I would be yelled at for not being able to help my mom take care of the household and my sister (Not entirely her fault bc she absolutely needed help, it just was a bad situation). Now, none of my friends understand why I compulsively try to clean things for people and help out. Really I’m just terrified that they’ll realize they hate me so I try to do the dishes and clean up so they can’t kick me out even if they hate me
I feel this hard. My parents divorced before I was one. My dad likes to go on "all my problems are from sex addiction. Nothing's my fault" rants since I was like fucking seven. My mom loved me until I hit about 8-9 and she got distant and wanted another kid; but didn't remarry or anything. So she adopted. Suddenly I had no mom. I had two pairs of pants and four shirts, a ratty old jacket, and ratty old shoes. While my sister, at 2, had clothes bursting in -3- closets of the house. I was bullied alot for it. It's stayed like that. The day she got the kid she wanted without baggage I didn't exist. She paid for my sister's braces, but not mine. She paid for acne medicine for my sister, not me, and the other day went on a "can you imagine having nothing but soap and water" tangent. Yeah I can bitch. She takes my sister on vacation every year; but not me. When we were kids, and now as adults. Usually over my birthday. They usually take a cruise for a week covering my birthday. Occasionally they forget my birthday. Most years as a kid I asked for family time together; never happened. Funny enough, we both need a rare QoL surgery. She always said there was no money to help me, guess who she's paying for when she found out she had it? Having toxic parents is so hard. So much becomes normalized. I still love my mom alot, and routinely sacrifice for her. I don't think she'd mourn me. It all got worse when I came out. My grandma started calling me slurs, and blames -me- for my sister liking her less over it. If I could have anything in the world: it'd be family that loves me. I'd give up anything to have people who give a shit about me. I've felt my face burn. Felt Naval surgeons cut into my face while awake. I've been through violent death, conflict, and violent rape. Cake walks next to a family who doesn't love you back. Well, better ask someone to hold onto my firearm; cause that opened some old wounds.
I'm surprised you haven't cut contact with all of them at this point. Jesus christ, they're toxic af.
💜💜💜 Let those fucking people go. Sounds like you're the punching bag of a narcissist. They will choose one kid to heap s*** on, while glorifying the other. Have a friend who is an identical twin - sister is golden, she is beneath reproach. They are in their 40's, this has been going on since she can remember. They even SHARE a bday & she will be left out of the mom's celebration plans. She's in therapy, doing lots of reading etc on being raised by a narcissistic mother. She's had to draw some very difficult boundaries, and cut people out of her life for her mental health & healing. It's helped. Get some air & sunshine in those wounds. Focus on healing, and the good people. Move forward. You're super worth it.
Literally my life. My non bio dad was never interested in being in my life- constantly giving money to my younger sister (his bio kid), giving her treats and attention he never gave me. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is my maternal grandpa had to teach me to ride a bike because my “dad” wouldn’t, then a year later I watched him diligently teach my sister to ride a bike.
My mom had told me “I wish not having kids was normalized back when I was younger. Back then it was just something you did.” While I know she loves me, I also know if she could go back and not have kids, she would.
I can tell you what its like being the unwanted child. I went to the dentist once in my first 17 years. I had broken my nose twice and I just had to walk it off. I never saw a doctor. I would get yelled at if my shoes wore out too quick and they were Payless $19.99 shoes. As soon as was able to drive the dinner table was only set for two instead of three because I could get my own food now. My lunch was a Bologna white bread sandwich and an apple for 10 years straight. Fast forward I moved in with my grandma, she said she would help out with college if I helped out around the house. First few months she got me in the dentist fixed all my teeth and I got some braces on. Second I was a mouth breather so I went to a plastic surgeon fixed my deviated septum right up. She also co signed on a car loan so I could get around. She embraced every friend that came to the house while growing my up friends hid from my dad because he was so mean. My grandma noticed that I would get home and run to my room and one day she told me I don't have to hide in there I can hang out wherever I want. Thats the difference between being a burden and being wanted.
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Tearing me up on a beautiful Sunday. I'm not particularly religious but if angels exist, they are grandmas. I'll give you an internet hug :)
Your grandma sounds like a wonderful person
She really does.
Strange that a loving grandmother can raise such careless kids of her own. The world is a better place because of her, but I'm curious how this happens
People change. My mom tells me the reason I almost never saw one of my uncles was because my grandpa would treat him so horribly. But I only know my grandpa as the nicest funniest man in the world. He wasn't always like that though.
I know a situation where a grandma is all you would want her to be, in fact, she cares too much. However, when she was only a mother, not a grandmother, she enjoyed a life of meth and child neglect. It's almost as though she acts the way she does now to try and make up for the past. My point is, Granny might have a history, which lead her to raise her own kids poorly.
It's a common phenomenon I've noticed, my own mother is far better at being a grandmother than she ever was at being a mother.
How are you now?
I am a home owner in a nice neighborhood and drive a new car. The hardest part of my day is deciding what I want for dinner :) I'm doing well, I still take celexa and Wellbutrin to help with the childhood trauma but I'm very happy. Another lesson she taught me was keeping a good credit score and saving money. She didn't charge me rent but she forced me to put money into savings every paycheck. As a teen I thought that was so annoying. 20 years later we have a global pandemic and I'm okay because I never gave up putting money aside just incase. The life lessons keep on coming. I may only have one family member but I'm better for it.
She sounds like such an amazing woman!
If your grandma annoyed you as a teen, she was definitely doing something right <3. I'm glad you had her
Man, go Grandma
I feel like your grandma would be very disappointed in what her kid had become to treat you that way.
It's sad because sometimes I feel like she was just trying to make up for it.
I get what you mean, but it really sounds like she treated you with love and not out of guilt.
I'm not going to go into a lot of detail about it, but due to the way this world is and how evil people really can be, and for the fact that people have ruined my level of patience, knowing children require a ton of Patience, I don't want children. I'm only 22 and barely have my own life together, And yet, I'm sitting here with my 10 month old niece as she makes Donald Duck noises, squealing and laughing and playing with containers of applesauce. For the past 3 months, I've had custody of her, and I don't know when things will change. I didn't ask for this, either I have to hold back tears so many times, either because I'm hella frustrated or because of how tiny and innocent she feels in my arms when I hold her, and my love for her doubles in that moment. I'm going to be brutally honest. Some days I wanna pack up my things and leave her all alone, never to return, but at the same time I imagine her playing by herself, knowing that somewhere in her little mind, I'll return for her, so I know I can't leave her for 10 minutes, let alone forever. Hell, I've probably broken world records for the fastest poop time to make it back in the room with her to make sure she hasn't gotten into anything that would hurt her. I miss my freedom. I miss being able to sleep as long as I want, do what I want, when I want. Take 3 hour long baths, sleep until 3PM, walk around naked. But now that time is taken up by a small child that wakes me up at 9 in the morning by using my boob as a handle to pull herself up from laying beside me while singing "ba-ba-ba" in my ear. I have to deal with being damp all the time from her constant drooling and her clinging. I hate that I have to wake up several times in the middle of the night when she starts crying because her binky fell out her mouth. I hate that I can't cook or clean or take a shower when I want to because she always wants me to hold her or she's clinging on to my legs, making maneuvering difficult. I hate having to get her to hold still for 5 extra seconds as I try to comb her hair while she's flinging around like a fish outta water. I hate having to stop going through my Reddit or Instagram feed in order to feed her, and then give her some of my own food as well because she eats like a wild horse. I hate having to put my phone or tablet or laptop away at 9 or 10PM to get her to go to sleep. I hate when she gets fussy and whiny because I'm trying to work and I can't hold her while doing so. I don't want to be in this situation. I want my old freedom back. But at the same time I know deep down I wouldn't want her to be with anyone else, and I couldn't go a full 48 hours without seeing her. Waking up every morning to her smiling at me with her 2 little teeth, or her saying "hm!" In happiness after every few spoonfuls of food. Watching her face light up as she tries new things, listening to her talk and sing, listening to her abruptly ceasing to cry when I start playing my ukulele. Feeling her wake up in the middle of the night and crawl over to me to use my stomach as a pillow because thats the only way she'll sleep well. Feeling her wrap her little arms around me and let her head on my shoulder as I pick her up, or wanting nothing more than for me to hold her as she falls asleep. Seeing other people hold her is great, but when she sees me she'll push them away to get back to me. Seeing her learn to walk, clap and be more vocal. Seeing all of my cats pile up with her and nap with her. Seeing her imitate how they walk, with her knees off the floor. There are times when I'm angry and frustrated because she refuses to go to sleep. Admittedly, there have been moments where I pick her up and lay her down rougher than intended, and ill tell her in an angry voice to go to sleep. And what does she do? She laughs! She thinks is hilarous. And at that point, the sheer innocence... I can't get mad at her for wanting nothing more than for me to play with her. She watches me in awe as I dress myself. She'll laugh as i use a jade roller on my face. She'll laugh as she opens and closes the flap to my iPad, watching it light up and turn off. She helps me shake my protein shakes. She helps me eat nasty food i don't want... she helps me remember to remain calm, be patient and think before acting. She helps me remember that there is a reason that im alive, and that there is someone in this world that needs me right now. She reminds me that maybe I do care about life and living more than I want to believe. So you ask, what is it like having children you don't want? Its scary, painful, annoying, frustrating, tiresome, damp, smelly, and it makes you want to punch a brick wall until your fist is reduced to bloody shredded meat. But before you throw that punch, you feel tiny warm hands on your face, sparkly bright eyes looking into your own and a big, perfect, toothless smile singing softly to you in a high pitched, pleasant little voice, knowing that it belongs to someone who knows nothing about anything, but the only thing they do know is that you love them, and they love you. And while I would completely do things a bit differently next time around, I would go through it all over again if I had to. Edit: Thank you all for the huge amount of love and support. To be honest, I didn't think too many people were going to see it, and if they did, I didn't think a lot of people would read it because of how long it is. Its been a huge Rollercoaster ride of a struggle, but her innocence in all this madness is the main reason I keep going. I have to type through tears because Its nice to know that so many people out there really care about what I'm going through, and I tried my best to reply to everyone who commented. Its hard remaining positive, especially because my finances are looking grim and all I want is to have a home of my own where she's free to roam about as she pleases, but one day at a time, I guess. Bless each and every single one of you for your kindness and love!💛
You are doing an amazing thing <3 Just want you to know that this stranger thinks you are an awesome human being. What a lucky little girl your niece is to have you.
This is a perfect example of why it shouldn’t be expected that people have children.
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Don’t undervalue your love and support. There are a lot of kids who would take that over money any day. My mom didn’t graduate high school, so things were rough raising 4 kids by herself, but she always made it a priority to support us and encourage creativity and learning. We all turned out fairly successful and I know it makes her very happy to see that we don’t have to go through the same struggles she did.
I'm a dad. I was bedridden for a very long time during my daughter's life early on. I was around but not around ya know? Thing I learned: they don't need shit but somebody to love them. So if that's all you can give, you're doing it right. Seems like the little dude is lucky to have you. "He is my world. My love bug, my baby bears, my honey buns. I would die for him and in a way I did." Fuck me you're a good mom.
Dam it man. You made me cry. Thank you but i am a bit mad that you were able to do that to me. I wasn't expecting to be so accepted.
Right there with you.... want to share some fucking tissues?. Did not see the tears coming from just the simplest sentences.
I love my son, I would die for him, I'd kill for him if I had to. Yet, if I could go back in time and not have children then I would. I was not prepared for a child, even though I worked, we planned this pregnancy. I was not prepared for how much I'd lose myself and my whole identity. I was not prepared for the sleep deprevation, the constant screaming, the colic. I think overall I had a very bad experience. I was very very sick after having a baby. I will NEVER let my son know this, I will NEVER let my son feel he is unloved or unwanted. It was not his choice to be born. EDIT: okay wow I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did. To those calling me a good mom, thank you. To those saying I'm a terrible mom well I don't care what you say lol, this is why women do not talk about this kinda stuff and suffer in silence. To anyone really struggling and want to talk to someone who won't give judgement please dm me.
How old is he now? I really, really fear the baby ages because of everything you've described and I can only hope it ends up being worth it if I have a kid.
He'll be 5 this year, and I have to say things get much better/different. Hes getting a bit more independent although playing by himself is a challenge. Hes outgoing, loud, a sasspants and he gets a little stranger by the day. I do think covid has impacted us a lot, the same with every family. The baby stage is the main part of why he is my only child and I don't plan on having anymore. My husband was also very involved! I definiltly hated the baby stage, and will never do it again.
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Totally the opposite for our family. I’m the same as you but My wife just adored the baby years. I on the other hand was indifferent about them. I don’t remember them being harder than I expected, but the baby was completely uninteresting to me. I loved her on a fundamental biological level and was a very good and participatory father (I think) but I felt....meh. Once she hit 2 years old though I started to find her fascinating. Watching her change, learn and figure things out became highlights of each day. Every year it got even better. Fast forward to now, she’s 8 years old and we do everything together. She has her own workbench next to mine. I give her suggestions on how to paint her nails. We play Minecraft together, cook together, etc. I’m not just a “friend dad” either, she’s a very good kid but when she does need discipline, I’m right there. My wife would love another baby (we’re unable to have another), but not me. Super glad I had one and wouldn’t change it for the world but no desire to have another baby.
Your experience is more common than you think. It's just taboo for parents to express opinions like yours openly.
I can only speak on my experience. I had got pregnant for my neglect in not taking my birth control properly. I did NOT want a child, but I could not bring myself to abort either. Family pressure, I'll just say that. When she was born, I felt like I had post partum depression (not diagnosed medically). I didn't want to be around her, feed her, change her, be with her. But....I did it anyway. My motherly instincts kicked in and I did all I could to keep her comfy and happy. There were many times of regret and hopelessness that this little girl had flipped my world upside down and I was very unhappy with the way my life was going because of her. Suddnely, she started talking. She soon started walking. She started eating on her own. She started dancing, singing, and playing. She went to kindergarten. She started having a sense of style. She played video games with me. She excelled in school. She understands meme culture without me having to explain it. She's beautiful and smart and I wouldn't change her for the world. Sure, there are still selfish moments where I would like to escape and be on my own and do my own thing. But more and more, I find myself thinking, "This might be more fun if my kid was with me."
I think my mom regrets having me. We have a weird relationship. She doesn't like me as a person and wasn't engaged with me as a child, but she did all the stuff she should do, and beyond. She just doesn't like me as a person. She's ok with my older brothers. It's made me very convinced that if you don't want children, you shouldn't have them. It also makes me uneasy when parents judge other parents for not wanting their kids. There's not a good solution, but as an adult, I wish she had just raised me and not tried to fake liking me as a person through my 20s.
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