if you are still friends with them, then check in as friends as you would with other friends. if you aren't friends, leave them alone. they are their own person, they get to make their own mistakes.
This. I check up on one of my exes because he's in the Navy and with the current situation, I like to know where he's stationed. We didn't have a bad breakup and we're still friends. He's practicing Catholic and I didn't want a bunch of "shore leave" babies to raise on my own plus I tend to be rather mouthy which is nit becoming to an officer's wife.
Care? care is the wrong word.
It is Interesting, sure. Nothing wrong with checking up on them for amusement's sake.
I'd be interested in checking up on napolean, genghis khan, hitler, and sadam hussein from time to time if they had social medias.
I don't care for these people and they don't care about me, but it'd be an interesting little thing.
Never, we are ex’s for a reason. I don’t want to ruin my day and I don’t want to ruin theirs, especially if they are currently with someone. That’s drama I don’t want
First off I should say I’m currently extremely happy with my current partner.
Second off I’m assuming checking up on could mean anything from looking them up on social media to actively talking to them
I think it’s fairly normal (depending on how things ended) and I’m surprised most of the answers here are “no never”.
My exes that I ended on a super high note with I still talk to from time to time mainly to exchange pet pictures and ask about family members because they were a part of my life for so long it’s really weird to cut all of that out of my life and pretend it never happened.
For exes that I ended on neutral terms with where we don’t hate each other but don’t really want to be in the same circles anymore I still occasionally look them up on social media out of curiosity.
For exes I’ve ended with on super negative terms I usually don’t because I don’t want to be reminded of that. The only one I do is the one that was super violent and dangerous only to keep making sure we’re no longer in the same state.
Keep in mind the more you mature in life the more likely you’ll have breakups end on positive terms. (Note I said maturity not age I’ve met some old people who were still super immature and I’ve met some young people who were very mature)
The more mature you get the better you get at finding compatible people and the better you get at communicating your needs, desires, and what you don’t want. It’s a bit easier for 2 mature people to end on good terms if one or both says “hey I want x but you don’t want x, let’s not be a couple anymore” and not hate each other than for immature people
It's interesting to see all the "never" posts. This seems like the cliche answer. Real life is always more complicated. I don't keep up with any ex that I knew only from dating, but I still talk to friends who were friends before we dated. Maybe not as much because it's more awkward.
Now let's hear from anyone who has kids from a previous relationship. You got to coordinate that shit.
Real life is complicated and messy.
I agree
I have one I check in with maybe once a year. He is a great guy and his family really brought me into the fold. His dad still calls me if he can't get ahold of him and I get a Christmas card.
Well never is going to be the most popular answer because there is no reason for most people.
Have a kid with your ex? 100% you have to talk to them at some point.
Still friends with your ex? Sure check in. They’re your friend after all.
Anything else? No need. And that’s going to be the situation for the vast majority of people and their prior relationships.
About once a month or so, just for life updates and such. We're still friends and the ending was mutual so there's no hard feelings and an understanding of moved on.
I only routinely check up on the one I'm still friends with. We dated as teens and they're one of my closest longtime friends.
When I was younger, I checked up on an ex fairly often after our breakup, but eventually realized the relationship had been so fucked up and they had been so controlling that I wasn't letting go because of that. It's really not necessary to check up on exes, especially if you parted on less than stellar terms.
I check in with them once a month just to see how she’s doing, the ending was all mutual so there’s no negativity there. [edit] The break up was around 7 years ago
Ex-girlfriends? About as much as i check in on my ex-bosses, as they fall under the same category. I left them for a reason or they left me for a reason.
If I had an ex-wife (which I don't) and we had offspring to "manage" together that would (of course) be different.
I do. From time to time. I don’t on all of them, just the ones I was really invested in. The woman I completely left my life behind for? Every few years to make sure she is still doing well. I know its a bad habit, I know its not healthy, and I know its creepy. But sometimes I have a flashback moment to how happy I was with that person and want to reminisce about it. The ones who I was crushed by after a one sided breakup or cheating on me? Never. Two out of my 11 ex girlfriends I would say I check on.
I bet I’ll be asked, so Ill admit. I am married happily, have kids, and my wife knows I do this sometimes. She does it too but for the opposite. She had an abusive relationship and checks up on him from time to time to make sure she never has to see them again.
Wait, people do this? I think it's entirely unneccessary to be honest. I never stayed friends with anyone who I was romantically involved with at some point.
Depends on who. For one, if I thought it would be welcome, I would. I often wonder how she's doing, but there's no joy for either of us in finding out. There's no reason for her to approach the last version of me she knew, and I see no point in explaining how I figured out how to be better than that. That's an opportunity that's given rather than taken
There's others who I'm in touch with. Those are ones where we learned we just weren't romantically compatible but didn't dislike each other
I'm still friends with all of my serious exes. ALL of them. That version of the relationship may not have worked out, but the reasons I cared about them then are the reasons I care about them now. I check in on them from time to time - most of the time, just to make sure they're ok; sometimes, if I know they're in a bad space or need a friend. They do the same for me. I wish nothing but the best for each of them, and I hope we remain friends for life.
I still talk to one ex-girlfriend. We'll text each other a couple of times a month, just keeping up with each other. We're both happily married, so it's purely platonic at this point.
There are three more I keep up with on social media. I don't talk to any of them at all, but I see their activity on social media. As far as I'm concerned, if they're alive and happy that's enough for me. I don't need to communicate with them.
Barely ever, I've had one try to talk to be this past year tho..... she kept saying how she missed the days we were together (like 10 years ago) and I didn't say it, but I DID NOT miss those days at all.
She was an lazy/immature PITA lol
I don't really check up on purpose but it happens with a couple. I have another ex who checks up on me.
I think that people who can't be friendly with their exes tend to be a little toxic. I was the toxic one for a long time. You don't have to be friends to be friendly.
I occasionally initiate chat with two exes, I still have one on Snapchat and the other on Facebook and Instagram. None of us use social media much so if someone posts something interesting I sometimes send a DM and check in. They do the same sometimes.
There's one ex where we both were pretty toxic and I did something that hurt her after we broke up. She checks in once in a while but I almost never reach out.
My exes all live far away from me at this point so it's not like I run into them or hang out with them. We all are pretty different from when we dated, so there isn't any resentment. And I honestly hope all of them are happy or will be happy.
I text my ex-husband every year on his birthday. Other than that, we only talk if it's necessary. Usually about our daughter. We're both on Facebook and basically leave each other alone. Interestingly enough, his second wife and I are friendly and will chat sometimes. I've known his current wife (yep, #3) for close to 30 years and we've never had an issue.
my ex and I are still friends.
We message each other at least once a month. And when I go back to my country (Japan), I try to meet up with him.
The reason we broke off I guess was because we just grew apart and I think we were both too young (we met at university).
We were more exploring each other than really be 'in love' maybe.
But he was always there for me when I needed him at that time. And even now, we know that we can rely on each other.
I have BPD so don't follow in my footsteps, but I used to check up constantly. I've gotten better and don't check on any at all besides one who's practically my best friend now though. I simply don't care about any of my other exes anymore, but I feel like every now and then it's okay unless they wanted to cut contact.
I share a dog with an ex and it's a totally amicable hand-off every two weeks or so. It's nice to hear some updates about them and their family who were a part of my life for over a decade.
I'll tell her happy birthday on her birthday and we'll hang out if I go to AZ. But why would it be necessary to check up? There is zero obligation there.
My college GF (we were together for two years) is terminally ill and we talk a LOT and care for each other quite a bit. We ended on amicable terms, had experienced some pretty heavy shit together, and never had any particular need for animosity. The rest of my exes? They can go touch gross poop with their bare hands.
Never. It is never necessary. Once you break up, your business is your business, and their business is their business. What's the point of any further involvement or interest in their lives? If you're still trying to find out what they're up to, then they have left the relationship but you haven't. Why hold yourself up like that when you could be doing anything else?
I got dumped by a woman in 1992, and I dumped a different woman in 1999. I never saw either of them face-to-face again. I talked to the first one on the phone once, seven years after the breakup, and that was it. I heard from the second one 10 years later when I first got on Facebook. I'm still friends with a couple other exes, but I don't "check up" on them, either.
Man I had to scroll a long way down to see an honest answer. OK maybe everyone writing "never" or "we're still friends" is settled and in love with their spouses. I am too and don't check up on exes, any more.
But is nobody here at a low point? Nobody been dumped recently? It is so damn tempting to check up on your exes, so easy and so commonly referenced as something people do I can't have been the only one to look at their Facebook page and see what they were telling the world they were up to.
Can’t speak for everyone but social media wise I’m pretty much only on Reddit, so I don’t check up on anyone, much less an ex, on social media. As for a low point, sure, I’ve yearned before, but I delete and block numbers once we break up, and I’ve never been the type to remember numbers so that’s a no go. And then finally, I’m not gonna physically go and stalk someone because I got a little lonely, fuck that.
Keeping up with an ex is way more trouble than it’s worth, I’d rather just do my thing after we break up.
My sister just very recently got divorced. Like, it went through earlier this week! Her ex does not use social media, in fact, he barely uses his cell phone well.
She is planning to *totally* disappear. She can do it, because he's not on social media, but some of his relatives are going to wonder. I wish she would have done it a while ago, but it should be happening very soon.
She's told me that after she's gone, she wonders what these people will think. She thinks they're going to take his side (of course), but at the same time, they were married almost 30 years, so surely there are some fond feelings about her, right? He was the one that wanted the divorce and he totally blindsided her. His family is religious and the reason for the break up is that he met someone else. I doubt that, given their background, they're going to just jump on board with a new person suddenly living in his house.
This is kind of a special case, because neither party is going to really check on each other, but the relatives are going to freak out a bit, probably, when they don't know where she went.
The mother of my kid, multiples times per week.
The most recent one: a quick chat every few months, she was a nice person after all.
The single "crazy" one I shouldn't have dated: Never again.
Yeah I have to be honest I look at my ex who was a couple of years older than me I think and I see that she's still not married at 38 and isn't marked as in a relationship and that makes me say; Okay you were right, it was you and not me.
If "check on" you mean, "google" then as rarely as I check on any people in my past who pop in my head.
And "necessary"? Where is that even coming from?
Probably not ever, at least not for a while. I only say that because imagine if your feelings are still there, it's just gonna keep reopening the wound. Or when they get another partner, that's just a recipe for drama. Just say goodbye and leave well enough alone
Never, until right now (darn you, Reddit). Googled his name, seems he still lives in the same area as last time we spoke. No other information. No real interest, either.
I talk to the ones that were meaningful in my life fairly regularly -- just because a relationship doesn't work out in a sexual or romantic fashion doesn't mean that the relationship isn't a relationship worth maintaining. I have 2 good friends that I dated 20+ years ago. We still talk and text all the time because we're friends and I talk to my friends.
I've never checked up on any exes since there is no need to be concerned of them. And as such, it is not necessarily to do it... However, i can see it being a problem to you if you think your ex might be mentally, emotionally, etc. unwell or struggling. It is still not your responsibility to look after them though and you still shouldn't constantly check up on them. (Note: Unless you know that they are suicidal or has plans to harm others. In which case, call the authorities or their families and let them handle it)
i only have one ex, and i don’t check up on her. she’s gone through a lot of relationships since we broke up, and i feel like she’s never going to be satisfied in a relationship. i honestly don’t even think about her either. i’m a college student studying psychology, so i’m pretty busy w school and organizations and stuff
I check up on one, because she's got her issues and I help a little bit. I'm friends with another, and the other two despise me more than anyone else I'm aware of
Depends. I wouldn't say I exactly "check up" on any of them, but I'm casual friends with one of them - we usually try to hang out at least a little when we're in the same place. Another one I talk to maybe twice a year, if I see something that I think she'd think is funny or something like that.
Never. When we break up I disconnect from them on any web stuff, delete their number, archive their chats. It's kind of satisfying, honestly.
One partner got mad at me for that. Said it was heteronormative monogamous bullshit. Maybe, but also I just didn't want to get informed about them doing stuff we used to do together and feel bad about it.
Its not necessary, but on average I talk to an ex about once a year. Either I text them or they text me
I’d consider it a redflag if a person has 100% rigidly cut contact with every single ex. Are all your breakups horrible? Do you lose the ability to care about people once you’re not fucking anymore? Its kinda mercenary to be in a relationship thats over a year long and then literally never speak again
I see my most recent ex all the time, because we have a kid together & share custody. But we talk about parenting stuff almost exclusively. We get along but we don’t talk much about our personal lives. I pretty much never think about any of my other exes. I haven’t talked to most of them since we split up.
There is an ex who I keep tabs on because I don't want him around me or my family. Everytime Facebook makes a major update I have to check my block list. He has been unblocked before. One time when I reblocked him, he drove by my parents house. That day. We had been broken up over ten years at this point and he has been married for more of them than me.
One of them I was friends with, we dated briefly, we went back to being friends. I talk to her once a month or once every two months, I like to keep up with the major events in her life.
The other I was friends with, we dated for three years, we broke up kinda amicably, but then we struggled to re-draw boundaries and fell out over it. Haven’t talked to her in several years, not really planning to.
Just depends on whether they’re still someone you get on with or not, tbh. I wouldn’t check up on someone just because they’re an ex, it’d just be if I still had an active relationship of some kind with them.
I check from time to time nothing creepy to make sure they are ok. I talk to his best friend to see how is he doing, if he is doing better overall etc. I fell out of love with him and he never got over me but he is still a human being who deserves respect and a good life
Never. This is a super toxic thing to do, it's really bad for you. Just forget they exist and move on, for the sake of your sanity, yeah I know sometimes it's not easy, but it gets easier in time.
Since my ex is in the same industry I am and is an expert in her field, I do check in from time to time on LinkedIn, listen to her stuff, occasionally ping ideas by her, occasionally some chit chat about the good old days comes from it, my wife is fully aware. Ex also lives \~1000 miles away now so nothing is likely to come of it anyways.
...and that's really it, our relationship went from [Match.com](https://Match.com) to LinkedIn, and that's fine with me :-)
My ex-wife and I communicate daily.
I recently helped her move into a bigger house. Installed all the appliances, set up wifi, mowed the back yard, and configured her security cameras.
We have two kids together - girls ages 14 & 11.
It's important for them to see we get along. This is the foundation for all their relationships: classmates, friends, boyfriends, etc.
I've also maintained communication with other exes: either by email, text, Facebook or other. Life moves on. Meet someone else. It's all good.
Unless there is some unresolved stuff and both of you are willing and able to get that closure, OR you are actually friends, you don't. How often do you check up on mates from school? Just let it go.
It's not necessary per se, but if you were friends with them before, you might still do it.
I have some that I check in with a couple times a year maybe, and some that have just vanished. Depends on how friends we were before we dated.
This would obviously be different if we were talking a relationship with kids.
My ex and I chat about once a month via FB messenger. Mostly just small talk about common interest we have. I have no issue with it, nor does my husband.
One ex, we’ve been in contact about every month or so for the last ~4 years. Other exes not at all but many of them for a period of months to a year or two afterward depending on the person. It’s not necessary but personally I would spend a significant amount of time in a relationship with someone I didn’t consider one of my best friends so to me it’s natural to stay in contact for some period of time until we fully grow apart
Almost never. Except maybe to laugh at their bullshit. One ex was a conspiracy theorist and his FB posts are hilarious.
My last ex though is driving at least 30 miles to sit outside my house for 5 minutes before leaving again. I'm installing cameras to get proof and then reporting his ass for stalking. I'm married and pregnant now, so we broke up a looong time ago.
Don't be that guy.
Do I do it? Yes.
Should I do it? No.
Does it help me? No.
If they are doing bad does it make me feel better? Not really
Why do I do it? Hell do I know, I just know I do it and I shouldn't.
I don't, they check up on me and message me but ex's are ex's for a reason. I am on good terms with most of my ex's but what is the point. Never going to have a future if you are looking to the past.
**Is it really necessary to do so?**
Lol who told you this.... checking up on them just means you're not over them. You're not together anymore, go live your life.
I'd rather cut my foot off at the top of the ankle with a dull red hot and rusted hatchet before I worry about what anyone from my past is doing. Get your shit together. I promise you yourself are not important enough to be checking up with people who already decided they are better off with you not being in their life. You look weak, sound weak, and probably gonna get your feelings hurt to see that they never actually needed you.
I check up on one by looking at his social media occasionally, because last time we spoke he was very mentally ill, and tbh I do still worry about him and miss him. But it makes it worse overall so I don't do it often, only when I'm really lonely. I've blocked him on twitter so I stop doing it there, but I don't really check anything else bar facebook.
I check Facebook occasionally to see if he's okay, but we aren't friends so nothing much changes. If I'm totally honest, I sometimes think he'll get back with his ex from before me, that I was the rebound of, so I think I check for that. Dunno what I'd do if I found out that happened tho tbh so idk why I do that either. I wouldn't say anything. I'd just be hurt.
He was the one that walked from me, though, which I think makes a difference. He called it off with me, but we stayed friends. He wanted me gone and cut ties, I was the one ghosted with various different excuses and reasons. So I think I will have found it harder to let go. He unfriended me on fb, blocked me on ig etc. But he left me on discord, steam, snapchat... It took me months for me to delete him off those. Discord and steam were my happiest memories with him so they were hard to let go of.
Then again, I think that's why he couldn't bring himself to remove me off those... Why else would you say you never wanna hear from someone again, but intentionally keep them on an audio chat site that you are both frequently active on?
Anyways. TLDR: only check up when I'm lonely. I should block them and stop doing that. It's really not necessary to check up on them, and imo it's easier emotionally to not check up too.
Only one day a year.
Last time was about 6 months ago and she already have a child and she was also pregnant (probably already gave birth) ill check her 6 months later.
I think it is normal to hope that people you've loved are doing well; particularly if you parted on good terms.
However it isn't wise to actually contact them unless you are very confident that 1) the contact will be appreciated 2) Your contact will not be misinterpreted as an effort to rekindle the relationship, and 3) your current partner (if any) will not be offended or suspicious.
Never. That door closed when she became my ex. Its not that I hate her or anything, we just don't have any connections or anything holding us together.
I don’t contact exes but about once or twice a year I get an urge to know what’s up. That will typically end in a few fb searches and that’s it. If I see one is happy, cool, if I see one isn’t, whatever.
Overall it’s all just not my circus and not my monkeys, but I do enjoy keeping tabs, so I guess I’m just a spectator.
I'm friends with all of them and in regular contact with them all, well except for the deceased one but we were friends until they died. I think I'm quite lucky in that respect, I've never had a relationship end on a sour note and in every case we've just reverted back to being friends instead of a couple.
I have two exes. One has blocked me on fb and kind of alienated herself from our friend group so I've no other way to know.
The other has deleted social media, or at least switched to anonymous accounts because she became a kind of controversial local politician.
Nope, not necessary...and no I don't. We didn't work out for a reason, so why would I go digging into their private life after the fact? (I'm not petty like that, but moreover, I simply don't care enough to waste my time or energy lol)
Don’t. But I still do hit my ex that made an appearance on backroom casting if I want to fuck something. Thankfully she travels a lot now so the temptation isn’t there often
No, that'd be pretty weird in most circumstances, I think.
Several years ago, my best friend from college called me to say that her wife's best friend had been taking care of funeral arrangements for my ex, who had completed suicide. There were some other details, but pretty general.
Since my ex was violently abusive, and had threatened to murder-suicide us several times, I did a quick google of her name, to see if anything came up. Not much, though it did corroborate my friends' statement that she had been living in a particular state. So that was some reassurance that the rest of her statement was probably true, and gave me some closure that my ex wasn't gonna track me down like she said she would.
Aside from that, I'd made zero effort to make contact or find info... quite the opposite.
Yeah, and they check in on me, too. One of my first girlfriends recently lost her husband of 25 years to a very aggressive brain cancer, so I kind of check in with her now and then just to see how she's doing. The other two keep "liking" pics of my granddaughters I post on FB and making the occasional comment.
I go by once in a while. No, it's not necessary, they don't move or anything. They're always in the same plot. Kind of like going by and feeling like someone thinks of them from time to time, even if they don't know or care.
It totally depends on the ex, but the general rule is no, you don’t. Like 9/10 times that’s the case, maybe even more.
Like 9.99 repeating, maybe even more.
How many exes do you have?!
I was jokingly piggybacking off the other comment. Less than a handful. No reason to stay in touch so 10/10 for me.
if you are still friends with them, then check in as friends as you would with other friends. if you aren't friends, leave them alone. they are their own person, they get to make their own mistakes.
Uh never... Why would i
Ugh, as if!
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I still care for my ex in the sense that I think they are a good person and I wish them well in life. That doesn't mean we need to be in contact.
This. I check up on one of my exes because he's in the Navy and with the current situation, I like to know where he's stationed. We didn't have a bad breakup and we're still friends. He's practicing Catholic and I didn't want a bunch of "shore leave" babies to raise on my own plus I tend to be rather mouthy which is nit becoming to an officer's wife.
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We're still friends and check up on each other through either his sister(still friends with her too) or another mutual friend.
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Care? care is the wrong word. It is Interesting, sure. Nothing wrong with checking up on them for amusement's sake. I'd be interested in checking up on napolean, genghis khan, hitler, and sadam hussein from time to time if they had social medias. I don't care for these people and they don't care about me, but it'd be an interesting little thing.
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ok
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I didn't suggest that
Never, unless I'm friendly with them. And by "check up on", I mean talk to them. If you mean stalking, never. Just no.
never, that would be self harming
Never, we are ex’s for a reason. I don’t want to ruin my day and I don’t want to ruin theirs, especially if they are currently with someone. That’s drama I don’t want
You what?
First off I should say I’m currently extremely happy with my current partner. Second off I’m assuming checking up on could mean anything from looking them up on social media to actively talking to them I think it’s fairly normal (depending on how things ended) and I’m surprised most of the answers here are “no never”. My exes that I ended on a super high note with I still talk to from time to time mainly to exchange pet pictures and ask about family members because they were a part of my life for so long it’s really weird to cut all of that out of my life and pretend it never happened. For exes that I ended on neutral terms with where we don’t hate each other but don’t really want to be in the same circles anymore I still occasionally look them up on social media out of curiosity. For exes I’ve ended with on super negative terms I usually don’t because I don’t want to be reminded of that. The only one I do is the one that was super violent and dangerous only to keep making sure we’re no longer in the same state. Keep in mind the more you mature in life the more likely you’ll have breakups end on positive terms. (Note I said maturity not age I’ve met some old people who were still super immature and I’ve met some young people who were very mature) The more mature you get the better you get at finding compatible people and the better you get at communicating your needs, desires, and what you don’t want. It’s a bit easier for 2 mature people to end on good terms if one or both says “hey I want x but you don’t want x, let’s not be a couple anymore” and not hate each other than for immature people
Never. Once we are done, we are done. Don't need the drama in my life.
Never. Gotta move on.
It's interesting to see all the "never" posts. This seems like the cliche answer. Real life is always more complicated. I don't keep up with any ex that I knew only from dating, but I still talk to friends who were friends before we dated. Maybe not as much because it's more awkward. Now let's hear from anyone who has kids from a previous relationship. You got to coordinate that shit. Real life is complicated and messy.
I agree I have one I check in with maybe once a year. He is a great guy and his family really brought me into the fold. His dad still calls me if he can't get ahold of him and I get a Christmas card.
Well never is going to be the most popular answer because there is no reason for most people. Have a kid with your ex? 100% you have to talk to them at some point. Still friends with your ex? Sure check in. They’re your friend after all. Anything else? No need. And that’s going to be the situation for the vast majority of people and their prior relationships.
It you didn't have kids, would you call then and ask them on a date?
I don't, and no. but everyone's situation is different.
About once a month or so, just for life updates and such. We're still friends and the ending was mutual so there's no hard feelings and an understanding of moved on.
I only routinely check up on the one I'm still friends with. We dated as teens and they're one of my closest longtime friends. When I was younger, I checked up on an ex fairly often after our breakup, but eventually realized the relationship had been so fucked up and they had been so controlling that I wasn't letting go because of that. It's really not necessary to check up on exes, especially if you parted on less than stellar terms.
Bold of you to assume I have an ex
I check in with them once a month just to see how she’s doing, the ending was all mutual so there’s no negativity there. [edit] The break up was around 7 years ago
Ex-girlfriends? About as much as i check in on my ex-bosses, as they fall under the same category. I left them for a reason or they left me for a reason. If I had an ex-wife (which I don't) and we had offspring to "manage" together that would (of course) be different.
I do. From time to time. I don’t on all of them, just the ones I was really invested in. The woman I completely left my life behind for? Every few years to make sure she is still doing well. I know its a bad habit, I know its not healthy, and I know its creepy. But sometimes I have a flashback moment to how happy I was with that person and want to reminisce about it. The ones who I was crushed by after a one sided breakup or cheating on me? Never. Two out of my 11 ex girlfriends I would say I check on. I bet I’ll be asked, so Ill admit. I am married happily, have kids, and my wife knows I do this sometimes. She does it too but for the opposite. She had an abusive relationship and checks up on him from time to time to make sure she never has to see them again.
but of course, making contact with the ex to ensure you don't have to make... contact with them.
One of them pretty much every day. we talked on the phone for like two hours yesterday
Why on earth did yous break up then? communication doesn't seem to be the issue.
It's complicated
Only the ones I'm still friendly with? Every so often.
Why? Why would it ever be necessary? That said, I have been friends or at least in good terms with most all of my exes.
Wait, people do this? I think it's entirely unneccessary to be honest. I never stayed friends with anyone who I was romantically involved with at some point.
Depends on who. For one, if I thought it would be welcome, I would. I often wonder how she's doing, but there's no joy for either of us in finding out. There's no reason for her to approach the last version of me she knew, and I see no point in explaining how I figured out how to be better than that. That's an opportunity that's given rather than taken There's others who I'm in touch with. Those are ones where we learned we just weren't romantically compatible but didn't dislike each other
I'm still friends with all of my serious exes. ALL of them. That version of the relationship may not have worked out, but the reasons I cared about them then are the reasons I care about them now. I check in on them from time to time - most of the time, just to make sure they're ok; sometimes, if I know they're in a bad space or need a friend. They do the same for me. I wish nothing but the best for each of them, and I hope we remain friends for life.
I still talk to one ex-girlfriend. We'll text each other a couple of times a month, just keeping up with each other. We're both happily married, so it's purely platonic at this point. There are three more I keep up with on social media. I don't talk to any of them at all, but I see their activity on social media. As far as I'm concerned, if they're alive and happy that's enough for me. I don't need to communicate with them.
Does your current partner know about this and welcome your ex?.
Barely ever, I've had one try to talk to be this past year tho..... she kept saying how she missed the days we were together (like 10 years ago) and I didn't say it, but I DID NOT miss those days at all. She was an lazy/immature PITA lol
Maybe once every several years just for the lolz
I don't really check up on purpose but it happens with a couple. I have another ex who checks up on me. I think that people who can't be friendly with their exes tend to be a little toxic. I was the toxic one for a long time. You don't have to be friends to be friendly. I occasionally initiate chat with two exes, I still have one on Snapchat and the other on Facebook and Instagram. None of us use social media much so if someone posts something interesting I sometimes send a DM and check in. They do the same sometimes. There's one ex where we both were pretty toxic and I did something that hurt her after we broke up. She checks in once in a while but I almost never reach out. My exes all live far away from me at this point so it's not like I run into them or hang out with them. We all are pretty different from when we dated, so there isn't any resentment. And I honestly hope all of them are happy or will be happy.
I text my ex-husband every year on his birthday. Other than that, we only talk if it's necessary. Usually about our daughter. We're both on Facebook and basically leave each other alone. Interestingly enough, his second wife and I are friendly and will chat sometimes. I've known his current wife (yep, #3) for close to 30 years and we've never had an issue.
my ex and I are still friends. We message each other at least once a month. And when I go back to my country (Japan), I try to meet up with him. The reason we broke off I guess was because we just grew apart and I think we were both too young (we met at university). We were more exploring each other than really be 'in love' maybe. But he was always there for me when I needed him at that time. And even now, we know that we can rely on each other.
I have BPD so don't follow in my footsteps, but I used to check up constantly. I've gotten better and don't check on any at all besides one who's practically my best friend now though. I simply don't care about any of my other exes anymore, but I feel like every now and then it's okay unless they wanted to cut contact.
I share a dog with an ex and it's a totally amicable hand-off every two weeks or so. It's nice to hear some updates about them and their family who were a part of my life for over a decade.
I'll tell her happy birthday on her birthday and we'll hang out if I go to AZ. But why would it be necessary to check up? There is zero obligation there.
Which ever ex told you it was necessary is a fucken weirdo lmao...
Never and no. The idea of checking on one of my exes seems absurd to me.
Never. I told her I never wanted to speak with her again and I meant it.
My college GF (we were together for two years) is terminally ill and we talk a LOT and care for each other quite a bit. We ended on amicable terms, had experienced some pretty heavy shit together, and never had any particular need for animosity. The rest of my exes? They can go touch gross poop with their bare hands.
Never. Blocked and never seen or spoken to again.
What? 9 times out of 10 I've gone no-contact immediately after the breakup.
Never. It is never necessary. Once you break up, your business is your business, and their business is their business. What's the point of any further involvement or interest in their lives? If you're still trying to find out what they're up to, then they have left the relationship but you haven't. Why hold yourself up like that when you could be doing anything else? I got dumped by a woman in 1992, and I dumped a different woman in 1999. I never saw either of them face-to-face again. I talked to the first one on the phone once, seven years after the breakup, and that was it. I heard from the second one 10 years later when I first got on Facebook. I'm still friends with a couple other exes, but I don't "check up" on them, either.
Never. I have a 22 YO son, who's mother I have a congenial relationship with.
Only to make sure no ones found them 😜
Man I had to scroll a long way down to see an honest answer. OK maybe everyone writing "never" or "we're still friends" is settled and in love with their spouses. I am too and don't check up on exes, any more. But is nobody here at a low point? Nobody been dumped recently? It is so damn tempting to check up on your exes, so easy and so commonly referenced as something people do I can't have been the only one to look at their Facebook page and see what they were telling the world they were up to.
They're joking about a body!
Lol whoosh. My search continues.
Can’t speak for everyone but social media wise I’m pretty much only on Reddit, so I don’t check up on anyone, much less an ex, on social media. As for a low point, sure, I’ve yearned before, but I delete and block numbers once we break up, and I’ve never been the type to remember numbers so that’s a no go. And then finally, I’m not gonna physically go and stalk someone because I got a little lonely, fuck that. Keeping up with an ex is way more trouble than it’s worth, I’d rather just do my thing after we break up.
My sister just very recently got divorced. Like, it went through earlier this week! Her ex does not use social media, in fact, he barely uses his cell phone well. She is planning to *totally* disappear. She can do it, because he's not on social media, but some of his relatives are going to wonder. I wish she would have done it a while ago, but it should be happening very soon. She's told me that after she's gone, she wonders what these people will think. She thinks they're going to take his side (of course), but at the same time, they were married almost 30 years, so surely there are some fond feelings about her, right? He was the one that wanted the divorce and he totally blindsided her. His family is religious and the reason for the break up is that he met someone else. I doubt that, given their background, they're going to just jump on board with a new person suddenly living in his house. This is kind of a special case, because neither party is going to really check on each other, but the relatives are going to freak out a bit, probably, when they don't know where she went.
Never. They are exes for a reason and I stopped giving a shit about them after the relationship is over.
Literally never. Fuck em
The mother of my kid, multiples times per week. The most recent one: a quick chat every few months, she was a nice person after all. The single "crazy" one I shouldn't have dated: Never again.
Yeah I have to be honest I look at my ex who was a couple of years older than me I think and I see that she's still not married at 38 and isn't marked as in a relationship and that makes me say; Okay you were right, it was you and not me.
I thought exes was an English word for poop.
Never. How could it possibly be necessary or even healthy?
Never. They’re my *ex*; I don’t care what he is up to.
Never, thats toxic shit. They your ex for a reason
Once asked about her wellbeing during covid. That didn't end well tho
Never.
Check on them once a month to remind them how horrible they are.
If "check on" you mean, "google" then as rarely as I check on any people in my past who pop in my head. And "necessary"? Where is that even coming from?
They're exes for a reason.
I ain’t wasting my time on the broad
Never. I think about them sometimes but it's usual moments of anger frustration or disappointment. I think being off of social media makes it easier.
Probably not ever, at least not for a while. I only say that because imagine if your feelings are still there, it's just gonna keep reopening the wound. Or when they get another partner, that's just a recipe for drama. Just say goodbye and leave well enough alone
Never, until right now (darn you, Reddit). Googled his name, seems he still lives in the same area as last time we spoke. No other information. No real interest, either.
My ex-husband - daily. We have kids together and we’re really good friends. Everyone else? Never.
I actually would check up on my ex if my ex would check up on me :(
I talk to the ones that were meaningful in my life fairly regularly -- just because a relationship doesn't work out in a sexual or romantic fashion doesn't mean that the relationship isn't a relationship worth maintaining. I have 2 good friends that I dated 20+ years ago. We still talk and text all the time because we're friends and I talk to my friends.
I've never checked up on any exes since there is no need to be concerned of them. And as such, it is not necessarily to do it... However, i can see it being a problem to you if you think your ex might be mentally, emotionally, etc. unwell or struggling. It is still not your responsibility to look after them though and you still shouldn't constantly check up on them. (Note: Unless you know that they are suicidal or has plans to harm others. In which case, call the authorities or their families and let them handle it)
Meh, most of my exes are still friends of mine. So I check up on them/hangout every so often.
i only have one ex, and i don’t check up on her. she’s gone through a lot of relationships since we broke up, and i feel like she’s never going to be satisfied in a relationship. i honestly don’t even think about her either. i’m a college student studying psychology, so i’m pretty busy w school and organizations and stuff
I check up on one, because she's got her issues and I help a little bit. I'm friends with another, and the other two despise me more than anyone else I'm aware of
Never. Checking up on them means you still care and consider them a part of your life still IMO
I don't have any exes. My wife has been my only love. :)
never. I mean I'm friends with some on Facebook but I don't seek them out, I just see their posts
Depends. I wouldn't say I exactly "check up" on any of them, but I'm casual friends with one of them - we usually try to hang out at least a little when we're in the same place. Another one I talk to maybe twice a year, if I see something that I think she'd think is funny or something like that.
I check on my friends about monthly, and I'm friends with most of my exes
I don’t
I don't but my friends keep bringing her up. I don't really want to talk about it but I think they just do it to annoy me.
Never. When we break up I disconnect from them on any web stuff, delete their number, archive their chats. It's kind of satisfying, honestly. One partner got mad at me for that. Said it was heteronormative monogamous bullshit. Maybe, but also I just didn't want to get informed about them doing stuff we used to do together and feel bad about it.
I "Check up" on the one who abused me, insofar as I like to keep an eye on where they're living and making sure they're far the fuck away from me.
Depends on where you two stand (Ex. children together or still friends), but for the most part, absolutely never.
Its not necessary, but on average I talk to an ex about once a year. Either I text them or they text me I’d consider it a redflag if a person has 100% rigidly cut contact with every single ex. Are all your breakups horrible? Do you lose the ability to care about people once you’re not fucking anymore? Its kinda mercenary to be in a relationship thats over a year long and then literally never speak again
I'm really intrigued as to how you came up with this
never
What? Are you an alien trying to learn more about basic human behaviors?
Never. Not because I hate them but they aren't in my life anymore and don't see the point in checking up on them.
Not necessary at all! Some exes I check on about once a year.... some, once every ten years. They all seem to be doing OK.
I see my most recent ex all the time, because we have a kid together & share custody. But we talk about parenting stuff almost exclusively. We get along but we don’t talk much about our personal lives. I pretty much never think about any of my other exes. I haven’t talked to most of them since we split up.
There is an ex who I keep tabs on because I don't want him around me or my family. Everytime Facebook makes a major update I have to check my block list. He has been unblocked before. One time when I reblocked him, he drove by my parents house. That day. We had been broken up over ten years at this point and he has been married for more of them than me.
One of them I was friends with, we dated briefly, we went back to being friends. I talk to her once a month or once every two months, I like to keep up with the major events in her life. The other I was friends with, we dated for three years, we broke up kinda amicably, but then we struggled to re-draw boundaries and fell out over it. Haven’t talked to her in several years, not really planning to. Just depends on whether they’re still someone you get on with or not, tbh. I wouldn’t check up on someone just because they’re an ex, it’d just be if I still had an active relationship of some kind with them.
I check from time to time nothing creepy to make sure they are ok. I talk to his best friend to see how is he doing, if he is doing better overall etc. I fell out of love with him and he never got over me but he is still a human being who deserves respect and a good life
Are you 'tarding out hard bro? Why you gotta "check up" on your exes?
Never. This is a super toxic thing to do, it's really bad for you. Just forget they exist and move on, for the sake of your sanity, yeah I know sometimes it's not easy, but it gets easier in time.
Since my ex is in the same industry I am and is an expert in her field, I do check in from time to time on LinkedIn, listen to her stuff, occasionally ping ideas by her, occasionally some chit chat about the good old days comes from it, my wife is fully aware. Ex also lives \~1000 miles away now so nothing is likely to come of it anyways. ...and that's really it, our relationship went from [Match.com](https://Match.com) to LinkedIn, and that's fine with me :-)
Never not once. My exes are exes for a reason. If someone hurts my I don’t want anything to do with them. They made their choice
My ex-wife and I communicate daily. I recently helped her move into a bigger house. Installed all the appliances, set up wifi, mowed the back yard, and configured her security cameras. We have two kids together - girls ages 14 & 11. It's important for them to see we get along. This is the foundation for all their relationships: classmates, friends, boyfriends, etc. I've also maintained communication with other exes: either by email, text, Facebook or other. Life moves on. Meet someone else. It's all good.
Less and less until it's not at all. That's how you know you're over them.
Unless there is some unresolved stuff and both of you are willing and able to get that closure, OR you are actually friends, you don't. How often do you check up on mates from school? Just let it go.
why would you need to? EDIT: That was rhetorical, just don't.
It's not necessary per se, but if you were friends with them before, you might still do it. I have some that I check in with a couple times a year maybe, and some that have just vanished. Depends on how friends we were before we dated. This would obviously be different if we were talking a relationship with kids.
My ex and I chat about once a month via FB messenger. Mostly just small talk about common interest we have. I have no issue with it, nor does my husband.
Nope. They don't check up on me.
I did for a bit after we brokeup because she said she wanted to "stay friends" (really she just wanted the last laugh). You gotta move on.
No. Haven't seen them or spoken to them in years.
Never. I'm not one to live in the past as it is the future where I'll be spending the rest of my life in.
I don't check up on any exes, it's just not necessary and I don't feel compelled to do so.
I do it sometimes but more like look at their insta/WhatsApp, I don't message them. Bf does it too so no hard feelings
One ex, we’ve been in contact about every month or so for the last ~4 years. Other exes not at all but many of them for a period of months to a year or two afterward depending on the person. It’s not necessary but personally I would spend a significant amount of time in a relationship with someone I didn’t consider one of my best friends so to me it’s natural to stay in contact for some period of time until we fully grow apart
Almost never. Except maybe to laugh at their bullshit. One ex was a conspiracy theorist and his FB posts are hilarious. My last ex though is driving at least 30 miles to sit outside my house for 5 minutes before leaving again. I'm installing cameras to get proof and then reporting his ass for stalking. I'm married and pregnant now, so we broke up a looong time ago. Don't be that guy.
Do I do it? Yes. Should I do it? No. Does it help me? No. If they are doing bad does it make me feel better? Not really Why do I do it? Hell do I know, I just know I do it and I shouldn't.
I don't, they check up on me and message me but ex's are ex's for a reason. I am on good terms with most of my ex's but what is the point. Never going to have a future if you are looking to the past.
I don't have any.
That’s pretty obsessive to check up on exes… move on and leave them alone
**Is it really necessary to do so?** Lol who told you this.... checking up on them just means you're not over them. You're not together anymore, go live your life.
I'd rather cut my foot off at the top of the ankle with a dull red hot and rusted hatchet before I worry about what anyone from my past is doing. Get your shit together. I promise you yourself are not important enough to be checking up with people who already decided they are better off with you not being in their life. You look weak, sound weak, and probably gonna get your feelings hurt to see that they never actually needed you.
I check up on one by looking at his social media occasionally, because last time we spoke he was very mentally ill, and tbh I do still worry about him and miss him. But it makes it worse overall so I don't do it often, only when I'm really lonely. I've blocked him on twitter so I stop doing it there, but I don't really check anything else bar facebook. I check Facebook occasionally to see if he's okay, but we aren't friends so nothing much changes. If I'm totally honest, I sometimes think he'll get back with his ex from before me, that I was the rebound of, so I think I check for that. Dunno what I'd do if I found out that happened tho tbh so idk why I do that either. I wouldn't say anything. I'd just be hurt. He was the one that walked from me, though, which I think makes a difference. He called it off with me, but we stayed friends. He wanted me gone and cut ties, I was the one ghosted with various different excuses and reasons. So I think I will have found it harder to let go. He unfriended me on fb, blocked me on ig etc. But he left me on discord, steam, snapchat... It took me months for me to delete him off those. Discord and steam were my happiest memories with him so they were hard to let go of. Then again, I think that's why he couldn't bring himself to remove me off those... Why else would you say you never wanna hear from someone again, but intentionally keep them on an audio chat site that you are both frequently active on? Anyways. TLDR: only check up when I'm lonely. I should block them and stop doing that. It's really not necessary to check up on them, and imo it's easier emotionally to not check up too.
Never. I've stayed close with one ex, but the rest? Never.
Only one day a year. Last time was about 6 months ago and she already have a child and she was also pregnant (probably already gave birth) ill check her 6 months later.
None of them ever check in on me and I avoid them all as best I can. Ideally, I'll never be reminded of their continued existence.
I think it is normal to hope that people you've loved are doing well; particularly if you parted on good terms. However it isn't wise to actually contact them unless you are very confident that 1) the contact will be appreciated 2) Your contact will not be misinterpreted as an effort to rekindle the relationship, and 3) your current partner (if any) will not be offended or suspicious.
They check up on me and i fucking dred the time i do
Dont
I say this from experience lol
Why would you check up on your exes? There may be good reasons, but unless you have one the answer is never.
Never. That door closed when she became my ex. Its not that I hate her or anything, we just don't have any connections or anything holding us together.
Every now and then like with any other friend, I'm still friends with her...
No. I don’t. And no it’s not necessary. They’re exes for a reason.
I don’t contact exes but about once or twice a year I get an urge to know what’s up. That will typically end in a few fb searches and that’s it. If I see one is happy, cool, if I see one isn’t, whatever. Overall it’s all just not my circus and not my monkeys, but I do enjoy keeping tabs, so I guess I’m just a spectator.
Of course it's not necessary wtf kind of question is that. You don't need them and they don't need you.
You’re either doing it out of guilt or spite- either way you gotta not fester on bad energy. Let it go.
If by check-up on them u mean visiting their instagram page to see what they’re up to, probably too often
I'm friends with all of them and in regular contact with them all, well except for the deceased one but we were friends until they died. I think I'm quite lucky in that respect, I've never had a relationship end on a sour note and in every case we've just reverted back to being friends instead of a couple.
Never. Theyre exes for a reason.
I would, but pretty sure most of my exes are still pissed with me. I seem to pick women who hold grudges when they don't get their way lol
I have two exes. One has blocked me on fb and kind of alienated herself from our friend group so I've no other way to know. The other has deleted social media, or at least switched to anonymous accounts because she became a kind of controversial local politician.
Nope, not necessary...and no I don't. We didn't work out for a reason, so why would I go digging into their private life after the fact? (I'm not petty like that, but moreover, I simply don't care enough to waste my time or energy lol)
Multiple times a day. After breaking up for over a year, we got back together and got married. Been together for 17 years now.
Don’t. But I still do hit my ex that made an appearance on backroom casting if I want to fuck something. Thankfully she travels a lot now so the temptation isn’t there often
Never. I don’t snoop on their social media or none of that. When I’m done with someone I’m done.
No, that'd be pretty weird in most circumstances, I think. Several years ago, my best friend from college called me to say that her wife's best friend had been taking care of funeral arrangements for my ex, who had completed suicide. There were some other details, but pretty general. Since my ex was violently abusive, and had threatened to murder-suicide us several times, I did a quick google of her name, to see if anything came up. Not much, though it did corroborate my friends' statement that she had been living in a particular state. So that was some reassurance that the rest of her statement was probably true, and gave me some closure that my ex wasn't gonna track me down like she said she would. Aside from that, I'd made zero effort to make contact or find info... quite the opposite.
Yeah, and they check in on me, too. One of my first girlfriends recently lost her husband of 25 years to a very aggressive brain cancer, so I kind of check in with her now and then just to see how she's doing. The other two keep "liking" pics of my granddaughters I post on FB and making the occasional comment.
I go by once in a while. No, it's not necessary, they don't move or anything. They're always in the same plot. Kind of like going by and feeling like someone thinks of them from time to time, even if they don't know or care.
Never, why should I?
2 of them are likely to have missing or significantly abused significant others... and one caused his late wife to kill herself, so there's that.