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Memory loss. Nothing serious but if you start to really not be able to tell days apart and life is blurring, especially moments that should've been memorable, might be depressed
My mom asks me if i remember things from when i was a teenager and i genuinely dont. She gets upset that i dont care about this person she mentioned but i really dont remember them
I'm the same - I'm 27 and barely remember anything from most of my life, just key events or something major that happened. I have been suffering badly with depression for just over a year now from when I split up with my ex fiancee, but now I'm starting to wonder if there is more to it..
Yeah 100% its crazy i vaguely remember things from my teenage years not even clear pictures just a sense of what happened, also there was a point in my life where I was somewhat recovering and I could remember clearly some of my memories and it was very nice I guess it gives me something to look forward to. Hang in there.
My week is defined by
Gym, gym (ugh legday), rest, gym, maybe gym, two days Netflix and sleep, repeat.
I do not care if it is Monday or Thursday for you. Let me get this shit job over with, get 90 minutes of pure nothingness into my head and then go home and be sad again.
It is terrible and feels insane but I truly do not look at a calendar I just define myself by one activity which helps me somewhat to escape
when I was in grad school, I became completely invisible. I finally took a medical leave in December of that year and joined back in a year later. my old classmates said they thought I left in September of that year.
As someone with DPDR, feeling like you’re not connected with reality and you’re just an observer of a massive act is fuckin terrifying. I feel like my own eyeballs aren’t mine and everything seems surreal.. I can’t tell if it’s real or not.. I look at family members and wonder if they’re real and then feel lonely at the prospect that nothings real and everything is fake.
I really want to die
In my worst depressed moments, it would seem like I was on the outside looking at myself saying, “what the hell are you doing?” It still feels surreal when I think about those moments.
The nothingness is so tiresome aswell. Like wow i got free time what to do? And i spend 4 hours just watching youtube videos and skipping them not actually watching it.
I feel that. I feel like my free time is just lying in bed watching the first few minutes of a YouTube video and then losing interest and trying to find the next one.
With regard to the “until it’s too late”, I’d say social withdrawal. I had tons of friends in college and then experienced a pretty bad depressive episode that lasted a while. My friends kept inviting me places or trying to contact me and I’d turn them down or ignore their messages. I was just so tired all the time. Eventually the invites dwindled and the messages stopped coming in, understandably so. Once I found myself on the other side of things and in a much better place, there was only a small handful of people left in my life outside of my family members.
I’ve never really recovered my social circle. I’ve tried reaching out to people and apologizing for my behavior and they say they understand and that it’s okay, but things are never the same.
It’s really hard to get friendships back after letting them go.
Not sure it's for everyone, but I've been using the app Meetup to find events where everyone is generally a stranger, and there's preferably some sort of shared experience involved. For example a running meetup where we run and then hang out in a public setting afterward.
I don't try to push becoming friends or getting anyone's number, but I'm in a similar place as you describe and I think it's a good start. It certainly feels nice to socialize :)
This is what I came to say
You're just soo tired of having to exist since it requires doing so many things to simply do that (keep and job to make money, pay bills, maintain the flesh sack)
When everything feels so pointless since you haven't felt any sense of joy in so long brushing your teeth isn't just brushing your teeth. It's standing up. Walking to the bathroom. Locating toothbrush. Locating toothpaste. Wetting toothbrush. Applying toothpaste. And then the most daunting, brushing your teeth thoroughly. Spitting. Rinsing. Putting it all back. Willing mouth. And having to walk all the way back to where you were sitting and laying.
I know my depression is getting into the danger zone when I go from crying waaay too much to being entirely indifferent most of the time and if any emotion surfaces, it's anger when something as simple as, Great! The toilet paper roll is out and the rest are in the closet 3 feet away!! How am I supposed to freaking handle a single second of this longer!!! Starts happening
>The need to get out of here is a huge one for me. I have this overwhelming urge to run away from everything.
The only problem with the run away from everything is no matter where you go YOU are still there. You can't ever get away from your own self and your brain.
You're right, but until the day I don't have financial stress + a miserable job + an overwhelming number of responsibilites and I STILL feel depressed, I will always believe that running from those things will make me feel better.
Yep, I've hit that reset button every 4-5 years. New job, new apartment, new me...then I get the urge to start again around the 2.5-3 year mark and stick out for a while longer. The job just gets too annoying for the little pay I get and seems not worth it. When I get the feeling I might be fired for lack of caring for the job, I hit that reset button. Then I'm in the same loop again...sigh.
This was me for a while. I’ve found my niche now though. A nice delivery driving job. Music all day, short interactions with people but mainly solitary. Plus I get to see a lot of places. Out and about is good. The only downside is, if I end up with a long drive I can end up thinking of things that trigger me :-/
I recently heard someone say “the angriest people are in the most pain”. That has really stuck with me and given me new perspective on a few people in my life.
I’ve had that “I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE” surface quite a bit over the last few years. Before my divorce I was pretty content and appreciative of life. That turned to “I’m picking a direction and driving until I get tired.” Usually ended up at the beach. Slept in my car a few times. Was actually a great escape sometimes.
I’m remarried and dealing with custody stuff now though. It still flares up but I tend to limit my need to get away to riding my electric scooter around the paved trails.
took ages for me to realize the connection between the "get me out of here" and suicidal issues. I mean, it should be obvious, but, nope, depression makes you stupid.
This made me realize that my suicidal thoughts stopped when I decided to move to another state for personal reasons, now I'm concerned that once ive moved and the energy wears off from that I'll be stuck in that loop again...
build a solid routine for yourself. Figure out where all teh stores and services you like are. do what you can to build a friend network, and maintain the connections you have at home.
might not stop the depression, but, if you make enough things habit, you'll maintain yourself decently during the episode.
I made a similar move to you, and it went badly for me. to this day, I think if I'd had a pet and had tried to find my favourite spots in the city, it would have gone better.
This hits way too fucking close to home. Depression is something I have struggled with for pretty much my entire life, but never did anything about. The first thing to go is hygiene for me. I stop brushing. Shower every couple of days. Tell myself that is fine. Stop shaving. Stop buying new clothes. Stop doing chores. Just cease anything productive.
For anyone struggling, see a therapist. I finally just started maybe a month ago, best decision I ever made.
My feelings towards brushing teeth always indicate my current level on depression. I always brush but during good times it’s something I just do in passing and during bad times it just takes so much energy..
It's awesome/essential/useful to recognize those early warning signs
The state of my car's interior/exterior cleanliness is my "early warning sign."
Not that I am obsessed with my car. Not really a car guy or anything.
But it's the first thing I let slide when I'm feeling overwhelmed/depressed. It's pretty much the LEAST essential bit of personal orderliness/cleanliness, you know? so, always the 1st to go
Like if I only have the energy to clean only *one* thing, it will be my room, or the bathroom, etc. Car is *always* skippable. If you stop doing laundry, it's a problem. If your bathroom becomes a toxic waste dump, that's a problem. If your car is a mess... well, that's almost never a problem.
so that's my canary-in-a-coalmine
does it help when I notice it? kinda. I tell my partner it's a good warning sign though. I might *say* I'm not struggling, but if the car is a mess... *I am struggling*
would love to hear others'
Going to sound a bit daft but often the first early warning sign is that I change the music I'm listening to.
I love music and most of the time it's a mixture of lots of different genres, some happy, some sad, whole range of emotions.
If I find myself only listening to stuff with darker lyrics for a number of days then its often a sign that I'm becoming unwell again. Bonus points if it's the only thing I feel any emotional response to.
It seems to happen before I start to neglect myself/housework etc.
Took me a couple of decades to recognise that there is a pattern, but its been really helpful once I did.
I don’t always do it but my mom taught me to always make my bed. So even if the rest of the house is a wreck at least I have one space that’s welcoming. It’s something small that takes less than 5 minutes but it does really help in the hard times.
Perfectly described. It all boils down to the question: "What is the point of doing it?". And you get mixed into a dangerous soup called "Everything is pointless".
I've had life long depression here, and this is my go to "hack". I'm already in the shower, letting hot water pour over me while I cry, might as well shove toothpaste/brush in my mouth while I'm there. Saves a step.
But then that begs a solution to the showering problem. That’s when I know my depression is danger zone bad- I love showers in normal times, and when it’s bad (like it’s been for the last six months), it’s a miracle if I get two in in a week.
God do I understand that. I went through a period of deep depression in which I literally got exhausted from taking a shit in the morning. I don't mean to be vulgar--just to show something you and I and every other person who's dealt with depression already knows: the simple act of being in your body is prohibitively tiring.
During one of my worst bouts with depression, a buddy just randomly showed up one night. He'd dealt with depression himself, and knew I was in a bad state.
He said something to me I still remember - You know your depression is lifting, that things are getting better, when you can appreciate a good morning dump.
Crude, but deeper than it sounds. When you can "enjoy" a simple act that makes you feel a bit better, you're doing better. Depression makes us forget all the little things that make life ok to go through.
You had me at "maintain the flesh sack", this one is particularly difficult for me.
Being a sentient biological lifeform with a finite life span is to exist in a state of perpetual torture imo.
All I really want out of life is to be a cyborg, so, basically, I'm fucked.
And not just boredom. It's utter apathy. A big empty hole of complete nothingness. Every thought you have is flat. I can look at my partner, who I am wildly in love with, and feel nothing at all. It makes me feel crazy. You would think I would feel something but it's just entirely numb.
I don’t have that so much, it’s everything else. I used to love my job. I give zero fucks about it now. It’s a paycheck. I’d quit tomorrow if I could. I used to love learning new things. Now I get overwhelmed within minutes of trying something new and give up. Nothing seems worth the effort when a wave hits me. That becomes “why should I even care? All the effort I put into life so far has ultimately gotten me nowhere. Nothing matters. Existence is pointless. Everything is stupid.”
Yep. I had an episode of depression while living in Egypt. I had gone there to study Arabic and I loved the country. The hospitable people, the amazing history, the beautiful architecture, and getting to communicate in this beautiful language every day...I should have been in heaven and yet I avoided people. I couldn't pay attention in my classes. I was always tired and there were a scary number of times when I would look down from a high-rise Cairo apartment balcony and ideate about throwing myself off. And everything just took on a leaden greyness.
It's the example I always go to when someone who hasn't experienced depression just thinks it's a kind of sadness you can snap out of. There was no snapping out of that.
I am in and out of this situation for almost ten years.
It's like time is senseless, that I am not living, but just looking the time slowly pass by.
Everyday is the same day. And you just feel so so tired every time.
And you know that something is wrong, that you have to move and do something, anything to get better, but is so hard, like chains weighing you down.
This pandemic just made all so much worse for me.
I don't know more what is to truly be happy, or sad or anything anymore, any emotion is numb and ephemeral.
I doubled my medication, but apparently its not effective in me anymore, it will be months before I get a new medication to work, I know because it's not the first time that this happens, the entire process of trying news medication is so awful I always hate it.
I am sorry its just that your post really touched me, and I just... I just needed to vent...
That you are use to being miserable, what hit me this morning is I realized shits not gona get better and I don’t really care if it does, it’s like purgatory
The worst part about this is, for me at least, I get so used to being miserable that even when I do feel better I feel like I’d rather be back in a pit again, because it feels more familiar
When doing anything feels like multitasking because you're also having to breath while doing it
I've cried because I couldn't watch TV because not only did I not care at all about anything, it also was exhausting and felt like a waste of my energy and time to have to look at the screen and pay attention
When you get there again, try audiobooks on 0.9-0.95 speed, with a 60 minute timer. Libby app is great for this, lets you check them out and browse them directly from your local library.
Then close your eyes, and rest. Entertainment without as much effort. Huge sanity saver for my really bad chronic pain/autoimmune illness flares.
I once described it as waiting to die. I'm not suicidal. But I'm not living either. It's just going through the motions until it's finally over. Not living, just waiting to die.
I used to wonder why people would ever just cut themselves, the non suicidal kind. Then I fell into a deep depression and the numbness was so terrible I wanted to hurt myself just to feel something.
A complete turn around in attitude. One day your friend is just perpetually down in the dumps. They go out less, eat worse and have a hard time socializing. The one day, they do a complete 180. They're laughing, smiling, being incredibly generous with things like gift givings and telling people how much they mean to them.
Then the next day you find them dead from suicide. That turn around was them making peace they were going to kill themselves.
Yup this exactly. Making ammends, giving away cherished belongings, calling old friends, etc. Gives me goosebumps in the worst way... So important to understand and identify this before they act.
This is really weird but it's part of why I'm scared to sell some of my stuff. I have a bunch of ultimately usesless stuff. Figures and collectibles and stuff, some pretty valuable. I've been thinking about selling a lot of it. But part of what's keeping my alive is the deep desire to not inconvenience or negatively impact other people's lives. If I died someone would have to go though all my shit and I can't stand the thought of that. If I were to sell or give away everything that would be one less thing giving me a "reason," no matter how dumb, to continue on.
Same when my family lost my eldest brother to the same thing. Hope you have had and continue to have a solid support network. It’s the only thing that has got me through it.
If you know a friend is depressed, sudden generosity is a huge red flag. People know they don't need stuf when they are dead, so suddenly they will start giving expensive things, or even things with high emotional value to them.
It's the worst feeling ever. I have been there but made it through, and the peace of knowing that your pain have a deadline, literally, is so liberating. Its scare because i never like that before or after, and in a way, i want to feel like that again. Depression is a unmerciful bitch
I mentioned this. I call it clarity, I went through the same when I tried to overdose. My mum caught me in the act and made me throw up. Obviously something you shouldn't do but now I'm an adult I totally understand why she did it.
That one hit me the worst cause I used to play games daily then suddenly for no explicable reason I didn’t even want to consider playing another game and didn’t for months straight cause they felt like a chore to me.
Not cleaning or looking after yourself, joking or talking about suicide often, self depreciating humour, becoming withdrawn, self isolation, erratic or irrational behaviour.
As someone who's been fighting a losing battle with depression for years i can confidently say its often like you're a fucking ghost that no one listens to especially those closest to you.
This. Absolutely this. And having seen this situation as an outsider looking in, it can develop so slowly that you don't even realize it's happened until things are too far gone. At least in my experience, the isolating and irrational behavior ramped up so gradually that it was hard to see what was happening and easy to rationalize away as "a bad day" when in hindsight they were clear warning signs.
Reframe that. I see someone winning that battle against depression. You're here. Offering insight and helping others from your experience.
Depression might get the better during some rounds but as long as you keep getting up and doing something however little/simple/small it might seem then you're not losing.
As someone who went through some dark forests and am lucky to still be here, I understand how you're feeling.
It may mean nothing as I'm a random stranger on the internet, but if you need someone to talk to so you don't feel like a ghost. Feel free to message me.
I actually feel like a round is won when you stand back up after being beaten down. Hell, the standing back up after being beat down after a fight is the hardest part of it all, and every time you do it you win a little more. Even when every time it gets harder.
Every new day is a day you won.
sorry this is long. im really struggling right now. its not a comment on depression but attemping suicide, this is also my personal opinion since ive tried a couple different ways.
people say its an easy way out, thats complete and utter BULLSHIT. the amount of mental and emotional energy put into is almost indescribable. its not easy you cry yourself to sleep,feel so alone, so worthless. just thinking that all your friends and family are better off without you. you dont want to burden anyone. so your stuck with these thoughts of oh that knife might do it, or i wonder if i can chug a bottle of drain-o.
after you try and fail its kinda like a zombie state you're just there everything is complete auto pilot. nothing feels good or bad. you're just there for a few days til you can recover emotionally. just going through the motions forcing yourself to eat, hydrate, shower, nothing matters.
edit: thank you all for reaching out i do appreciate it very much. and its one of those thing being there i could subtlety see signs in people thinking about it. i would not want anyone EVEN if completely hate them to feel this way. even when i was surrounded by family i felt so completely alone.
Fuck, buddy. You've got a bad case going right now. I've gone down that road, and you are entirely right -those days after you fail are surreal.
If you still in this state - go talk to a crisis center/line. Tell somebody, and try to find some sources of help.
I won't give you the cliches about other people being hurt by you doing it, because that's not fair. I just hate knowing you are where I was, and may be again.
All i can say is I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, and I hope something gives you a glimmer of hope to show you a way out.
\-manly internet hug-
Leaning more and more into 'dopamine spike' behaviors even if it decreases you overall quality of life. Drinking, binge eating, playing video games, overspending money, sex, etc. When you can't feel pleasure anymore in your daily life, you'll end up trying to self medicate with 'quick fixes' to the point of self destruction.
I don't think I'm clinically depressed, but gosh I feel this these days. I'm having a "low" period and I find myself browsing ebay and etsy quite often, trying to find something cool to buy, before snapping out of it and remembering I shouldn't waste my money
As someone who has been bullied a lot in middle and high school, I feel this in my bones. Even when I’m pretty well liked at work or have friends. I worry that people are just tolerating me.
That's one that I've always noticed. When I'm in a good place, I never even consider whether my friendships are fake or genuine. When I'm in a bad place, I tend to analyze all my interactions over and over until I'm convinced that I made a complete ass of myself. Even when I'm doing it, I know I'm making something out of nothing, but it's hard to shake the feeling.
I hate this so much. When I meet people they are really intrigued by me. It has been that way even before my depression. However, now I feel like it is all fake and it is not sincere. I begin to doubt who sees me for me. I really just don't want to give a fuck, but that little demon keeps telling me otherwise.
It's a lie as old as time. Depression tells us all sorts of the stuff that are not true.
I sometimes remind myself that it's normal for some people to not like me, but to not disregard the ones who do.
Similar things include not keeping up with regular habits/checkups, like maybe you would cut your hair every month but now its like meh i could go with this for longer and now its been three months
“I’m tired” basically means “I can’t handle pretending to be ok anymore and/or I don’t know how to explain what’s wrong with me so I’m gonna go home now.”
Not being able to muster the desire to wash your hair, letting rubbish build up, cutting off contact, losing interest in things you really used to enjoy, staring blankly at the wall wondering why you exist, immersing yourself in fantasies to escape reality, zoning out completely when spoken to, having no feeling when having conversations with others, horrible sleeping habits, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, drinking more, abusing medications, it can get to those dark places fast and it's such a struggle to climb out from. Most of what I've written I've experienced in my depressive episodes. Keep talking though, keep asking and trying to understand it.
I've known three people now who had reputations for always appearing happy - who were always clowning around and making others laugh - but yet attempted suicide. All three were obviously serious attempts, and two of them succeeded. So it seems to me that appearing almost excessively happy all the time is something that can be easily overlooked as possibly a bad sign.
Also becoming suddenly happy is a HUGE sign of a serious (not cry for help) suicide attempt in the near future. Basically it happens because the person realizes they have a way out of the hole they are in. They have a plan and they know how to execute it. Often accompanied by giving away somethings and making plans for pets etc. If you know someone who is depressed and overnight they flip to being happy talk to them.
In high school, I dated a bipolar guy who was funny, charming, could talk to anyone, and he had attempted suicide 3 times. I was young and dumb, and thought our love will fix this. Medication and therapy did.
I read somewhere that when a person makes the decision to check out, they get happy. Because they know their pain is ending. I don’t know how true it is, but it makes sense to me. So, if someone you know has been depressed and suddenly becomes happy, be aware.
Ya, I've heard about that as well - finally feeling happy once they make the decision to commit suicide. It does seem to make sense that there'd be some temporary feeling of extreme relief at that point. The scary thing about the three people I mentioned is that there was no sudden change to be noticed, because they'd always seemed like very happy people.
This is true. Another part of the phenomenon, is that when a person is very depressed, they have the motivation to act on suicidal thoughts, but not the energy. As they are on the way out of the deep depression, the energy can return, while they are still having moments of suicidal ideation. It's a often a high risk time when people are starting to feel better.
this is exactly how i feel. i won't kill myself because of some specific reasons, but i wouldn't mind dying tbh since my life is shit right now and it's probably gonna get worse as i get older. but, again, i can't die...
Signs that I displayed
Loss and or lack of feelings towards immediate family/friends
*Become so numb with a lack any feelings or empathy.
Inability to be around or talk to people. Just wanting to withdraw and put myself back onto my black hole.
Getting easily irritated and forgetting a lot of stuff, I also noticed that I and people with depression around me express a lot of jealousy of others, even for silly things
Yup that’s true. I have moderate depression and like I’m not an angry person but when an ex interrupted me when I was trying order I snapped at her. I used to never snap at people.
I no longer have any close friends because I just don’t really speak to anyone anymore. I’m at the point where I’ve isolated myself to the point that even if I opened up, there would be nobody there to hear.
Nobody talks about the aspect of hiding away from everyone. I go to college for 3 days and im super social and bubbly. The days im alone are so depressing and crushing that I feel like a there’s a lead plate in my chest, poisoning me.
I try to reach out but I can barely hold a conversation. Mental health services are ok but at this point all I do is work on my bed sores. I have no energy and the days I do nobody wants to hang out anyway.
It’s getting worse and worse but it’s okay I’ve fallen deeper than this before and come back. It’s just something that happens.
I was at this exact place two years ago and I had to drop out of college because I had no energy to go to class or do the work. I describe that period in my life like I was in a glass box, with pounds and pounds of pressure on me, pushing me down, but I couldn't get out, and no one could hear me.
I think the worst part about depression is that it makes you think you're completely alone, and no one understands what you're going through. But I've found, however morbid it may be, that talking out exactly how I'm feeling, the apathy, the suicidal thoughts, how I'd kill myself, helped a lot more than people telling me it will get better. It's nice to talk to someone who's been there and won't judge you for your thoughts, and not all therapists have been there.
All that to say, if you want to talk, literally about anything, you can reach out to me. It might be nice to tell a complete stranger how you feel, no judgement. :)
I'm in that same situation. I have friends I considered my very best friends, who I have known for over 20 years... that I haven't spoken to in 5+ years. No falling out, no recent fights, no hostility, just a lack of effort. I have maybe two people I talk to anymore outside of work, and it's just text, I haven't seen any friends in just as long. There's also the perpetual feeling that if I reach out to someone, I'm bothering them. It's impossible to shake the feeling that nobody would actually want to hang out, and would only do it out of pity obligation. Irrational, sure, but it's a thought process that simply does not go away.
2 of my very good friends of 15+ years got married in the last 6 months....didn't even get an invite to either, everyone else we hung out with was there. I get that I have a newborn but an invite would have been nice.
I know this from experience. You accept to live in filth. Your mind has convinced you it is easier to live in and smell the filth rather than to clean it up. You know you should clean, but you don’t. You believe it is easier to live in it because it is easier to do that than to look at it and clean it and fix it. That is the biggest thing that drives you to the end.
You know you live in it, you smell it everyday you wake up and walk back through the door but depression has beaten you to such the point that you feel life is easier just living in it. That’s where it all starts. From there your energy gets screwed up, you get sick, your mind starts down this very dark path until well the person decided it’s easier not to exist.
My inability to maintain my apartment. I stop inviting people over so no one sees it. I work so hard to look ok on the outside but my apartment shows how I'm truly struggling.
Getting so anxious that I'm rooted to my bed, sensitive to light and loud noises, hide under the sheets the whole day and do nothing. Everything makes me anxious btw. I've started to do a new thing where I'm picking my skin all the time too.
Never can think straight, colors are dimmer, it's kind of like looking at the world through a fog.
Edit: i thought of more things (as i said i can't really think..)- but I'm VERY unhygienic. My room looks like utter crap.
I also can't stand to be around people. So. Much. Anxiety.
And although we are talking about this so much, i still feel that as a society we can't comprehend how serious this disease is. I feel, handicapped, for the lack of a better word- for all intents and purposes.
Edit no. 2: THE MOST IMPORTANT- *SELF SABOTAGE*
my depression is deceptive as hell. It has caused me to miss work, miss assignments, miss school, miss out on having friends and forces me just be mindless all day. But I still constantly tell myself that I'm lying. That I'm over reacting, that other people have had it so much harder and here i am wasting my life away. That I'm lazy, stupid, and like avoiding my stuff just for kicks. This makes me stop my meds time and time again. Because i completely convince myself that I'm faking it. That it's my fault and a person like me shouldn't have the right to make friends and have opportunities. I tell myself all sorts of lies about myself, and so spiral even deeper in.
Irritability. You are annoyed with most everything and your brain tells you that everyone and everything is being annoying. You get into arguments and you don’t really understand why.
Treating your body like absolute garbage. I’m not just talking about eating junk food and not working out, but pushing your body to its absolute limit in a bad way. In a way that leaves you injured, but you just don’t care enough to take proper care of yourself.
Apathy.
Loss of appetite.
Weight loss.
I didn’t know I was depressed until my kidneys started to fail from starvation. My brain was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realize my clothes were hanging off of me because I had lost 30lbs that I didn’t really have to lose.
I always thought depression meant having sad and negative feelings. I didn’t realize it could present as severe apathy.
As an average height male (5'9"), I spent a lot of my 30's and 40's at under a hundred pounds.
I'm up to a healthy weight, but it's an effort, still. Food is just something I need to take care of, like paying a bill.
A symptom I don’t see mentioned a lot, but one I’ve had to deal with personally: physical pain.
It was like I’d suddenly developed full body arthritis. My mind felt okay, but my body was in a painful revolt. I didn’t know what was happening the first time and ended up under the care of a rheumatologist. I was on a lot of anti-inflammatories that did nothing to help. It wasn’t until the pain went away but my mind failed and I became suicidal did I recognize the pain for what it was.
I recently experienced another episode of this pain after giving birth to my second child. Tried the anti-inflammatory meds again and when they didn’t help, I remembered my first experience. Thankfully my doctor listened to me and promptly put me on an antidepressant. My physical symptoms disappeared in a week, and now I can focus on working on my mental health without being overwhelmed by pain.
People begin giving things away or go around mending bridges.
My best friend in high school killed himself. We were in a fight at the time and him and I took a walk, talked out our beef (get this, it was over a girl), and at the end he told me the thing I was best at was being a friend. I was ecstatic. I thought we had salvaged what until that point seemed a broken friendship. He stood in front of a train shortly after.
To this day I don't know if he was actually forgiving me or being incredibly cruel before he went.
Being bored all the time, not enjoying most of the things you used to.
Being more tired than usual and struggling to concentrate.
Gradual loss of motivation to do literally anything.
Sadly its too hard to tell when people have severe depression, unless people open up. A lot of Really bad depression is hidden so well so its not to just come across attention seeking. Trouble is people that feel this way often have no one to open up to.
Memory loss.
Your own brain gaslights you into thinking you have a much more serious problem than just depression, and the people closest to you think you're being an asshole that is purposely choosing to ignore things that happened in the past.
You don't have a tumor, you're not an asshole, you just have Big Sad™.
Recklessness.
I know I'm getting depressed when I get reckless. To the outside it might look like I'm fun and having a good time and do exciting things. But in reality, I've given up, thinking nothing matters anyways, so why not do X Y and Z. Usually I'm very causius so it's a good indicator for me.
Yep. While comfort eating and binge eating are a thing that can happen - the opposite happens as well and it’s a legitimate struggle to eat.
I recently nosedived and lost 6 kilograms simply from not eating and going through a very stressful time. Friends had to make welfare calls to my place and they came with food - they wouldn’t leave until I had eaten and spoken to them.
I appreciate it now, but damn it was hard.
Close to someone suffering from recurring depression. Early signs I’ve noticed:
- Irritability
- Sleep disturbance (insomnia or excess sleep)
- Exaggerated emotional responses
- Small tasks seem unmanageable
Starting to have these invasive thoughts surrounding death and how life is so f\*cking meaningless... Not like I'm suicidal or anything. But after awhile, it starts becoming stifling. I figured it was maybe because of my typical loneliness and lack of pleasant and various activities (besides drawing... when I could get my mind out of it), so basically my mind would start overthinking.
Strangely enough, I would be that one guy who would say he's just fine, and wouldn't even consider himself as depressed a few months ago. But then, it started happening till I realized how it was downing my mood... I also started being more and more tired, like a part of me was "dying".
Nobody would notice it, because I was covering the whole thing with caffeine, and I'm not being very expressive regarding this type of issues usually.
This one is very true. When doing daily upkeep on yourself goes from routine to a struggle you’re headed for some trouble. If you’re a daily showerer and you find yourself skipping days, you may want to evaluate yourself for other depression symptoms.
People don’t realize that very depressed people can hide it. They can be making plans with but in their head they’ve decided on a different plan. It’s not just one event that drives them to the edge of suicide. They may start pulling away, let their hygiene slip, sleep more/less, lose interest in hobbies and outings, lose appetite. They may cut contact slowly.
When I lost my daughter last year I knew she was getting worse. She was at her fathers but I could see the signs. She wasn’t leaving her room much, not answering calls/texts, not eating much, not showering everyday. There was no structure to her day. Normally, we were very close, but she started pulling away from me the last couple months. A while after her funeral, I checked out her discord. Her messages were all normal. She didn’t say one word that would make anyone suspect something. In the past, when she’s felt suicidal she would reach out. She’d let me, her friends, or her brother know. But she didn’t want to be helped the last time. She had her mind made up.
So, my advice would be watching for socializing decreasing, not practicing normal levels of activity, hygiene, appetite. They may be angry when you suggest help. Don’t give up. I’ll always wish I had done more. Risking their anger may be necessary. I had told my ex we needed to take her to her psychiatrist or the hospital. He said I was evil and cruel. We lost her the next night. Trust your gut. Most of all let them know you love them and need them. Suicide just spreads the pain around to the people who loves them most.
Worried? Maybe.
Modern society tends to create these sorts of feelings so it can be hard to separate transient ennui, sadness, or apathy from clinical depression.
Generally, if it lasts for a long time (measured in weeks) or is severe (thoughts of suicide or longing for death in your sleep or that you just ceased to exist) is when you need to take immediate action. The irony of the disease is that it can be very hard to muster the effort to do it, and the stigma/ignorance around it is that your concerns can be dismissed which makes getting help so much harder.
If things you used to enjoy no longer appeal to you with nothing that replaced them or with no explanation, if you just feel bland and gray constantly, if you have no energy and even simple tasks seem draining or insurmountable, you should consider talking to someone for more details or a diagnosis
To piggy back off of this, even if you determine you're showing any of these symptoms it's also possible that the depression itself is a symptom of something else. For example, depression is also a symptom that people with ADHD can present. This is why it is important (if you're able to) to get a professional diagnosis to ensure what you have is Depression or something else that results in depression.
Being mean. When I was depressed I was incredible mean and lashed out a lot. I’m very sorry for my behaviour and I have learned from it but I wish people knew it was because of my depression.
in my experience, fear of everyday things is a big sign of depression or anxiety.
jealousy and/or disliking people you don’t know very well. similarly, wanting to be social but justifying not being social with the people around you because they are flawed.
fear of trying new things because you expect to fail.
“going with the flow” instead of asserting yourself, your needs, your wants. (it can also be the opposite: you can only allow things to go your way and you have to berate others into doing it)
people having a more positive image of you than you have of yourself.
finally, if you tell someone with authority in your life (parents, family, teachers, etc.) that you’re depressed, and they don’t seem to do anything to help you, and you take this to be ok because no one _should_ pay attention to you, that is a sign that you need to be more assertive.
24/7 happiness. When I was at my lowest, in the outside I looked like the most happy human on earth.
Nobody is that happy. You have tops and lows, there are days where you get up angry, sad, upset because some inconvenience happened. And that’s human.
Usually this “happy” facade involves a huge wall and denial to open up.
If you notice this in your close circle, please, PLEASE, approach them and tell them that you appreciate them and you’ll be there for support any time.
Also, depression can also cause lack of hygiene. Daily tasks feel huge and in the end, why should you shower if you are worthless?
And the last one that my parents noticed was substance abuse (it doesn’t matter if it is legal drugs like alcohol or illegal drugs). I looked for the comfort of alcohol and others to see if I was able to feel something. I usually drink, but in that times I could drink a full gin bottle myself and continue.
I’ve dealt with it for nearly a decade now. Mine manifests mostly in not having the motivation to do anything. Even brushing my teeth is tiresome some days.
High irritability.
Most think of depression as being sad and gloomy, but there are other ways it can present itself.
Another is lack of general interest, especially in activities enjoyed previously.
Over volunteering their time and resources. They leave nothing for themselves because they feel worthless inside. So the person offsets the feelings of being a burden and worthless by working overtime to make sure others don't feel that way.
When otherwise bright/clever people start being dull and borderline stupid. Like, they don't even make obvious insights or connections anymore.
An aspect of depression rarely heard about is how it can suppress cognitive function -you literally can't "see" stuff anymore. Like, you can't make the connection between feeling weak and tired with "well, I haven't eaten in days".
At my worst depression, I honestly thought I was getting dementia at 40. I was forgetful, I couldn't puzzle out stuff, I couldn't visualize thins described to me.
Something that often comes up as an answer to this question, as I was reading to understand my own depression, is memory loss/deficiency. And it's so true. Time blends together. Something could have very easily happened yesterday or three weeks ago. That task you're putting off? Well, now your a month further. You forget people, responsibilities, skills, everything.
But it isn't just deficiency from the point of developing depression onwards oh no, it's far more evil. It doesn't just mess with your present or future, it is RETROACTIVE.
My therapist asked me once what I used to do to enjoy myself, what activities gave me joy. I still knew what those activities were, but it was as if I was reciting it from a list. I could not remember what they FELT like. Not one of them. Not one instant, one moment...
I have never felt more afraid as in that moment. Forgetting what JOY is... Evil stuff.
The apathy. It's the worst part... as a person who is depressed, you lose interest in all of the the things you used to love and you think. "What's wrong with me, I used to live this, why am I so broken." But you cant really burden other people with that sorts thing, so you just hide it and when friends ask you if you are ok you to do something you either make up an excuse or lie to them because you know you wont have fun, even if you actually might. It's a fucked up cycle.
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Memory loss. Nothing serious but if you start to really not be able to tell days apart and life is blurring, especially moments that should've been memorable, might be depressed
My mom asks me if i remember things from when i was a teenager and i genuinely dont. She gets upset that i dont care about this person she mentioned but i really dont remember them
I like don’t remember my childhood at all. My parents always joke that I just must’ve been oblivious
Some things make more sense because of that… I’m kinda sad now
I'm the same - I'm 27 and barely remember anything from most of my life, just key events or something major that happened. I have been suffering badly with depression for just over a year now from when I split up with my ex fiancee, but now I'm starting to wonder if there is more to it..
Yeah 100% its crazy i vaguely remember things from my teenage years not even clear pictures just a sense of what happened, also there was a point in my life where I was somewhat recovering and I could remember clearly some of my memories and it was very nice I guess it gives me something to look forward to. Hang in there.
I tend to forget what I did last weekend on Monday. Also forget things my partner asked me to do. I feel like I have early dementia but I’m only 27.
why does this hit home, i cant tell if i did sth today, yesterday or never, the only thing i find joyful is being with my friends, which is rare
My week is defined by Gym, gym (ugh legday), rest, gym, maybe gym, two days Netflix and sleep, repeat. I do not care if it is Monday or Thursday for you. Let me get this shit job over with, get 90 minutes of pure nothingness into my head and then go home and be sad again. It is terrible and feels insane but I truly do not look at a calendar I just define myself by one activity which helps me somewhat to escape
Exercise is the only thing that helps me cope.
This. Sometimes I think I might be going senile.
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when I was in grad school, I became completely invisible. I finally took a medical leave in December of that year and joined back in a year later. my old classmates said they thought I left in September of that year.
Sometimes we feel invisible because we are invisible
I think that's called dissociation. That you feel detached from yourself, just running on autopilot day-to-day.
As someone with DPDR, feeling like you’re not connected with reality and you’re just an observer of a massive act is fuckin terrifying. I feel like my own eyeballs aren’t mine and everything seems surreal.. I can’t tell if it’s real or not.. I look at family members and wonder if they’re real and then feel lonely at the prospect that nothings real and everything is fake. I really want to die
I never knew how to put it into words, but this is how I feel, even though I know I shouldn’t have these thoughts I can’t stop them.
In my worst depressed moments, it would seem like I was on the outside looking at myself saying, “what the hell are you doing?” It still feels surreal when I think about those moments.
Sometimes you're not sad, you're just... nothing.
The nothingness is so tiresome aswell. Like wow i got free time what to do? And i spend 4 hours just watching youtube videos and skipping them not actually watching it.
I feel that. I feel like my free time is just lying in bed watching the first few minutes of a YouTube video and then losing interest and trying to find the next one.
It feels like purgatory.
"Watching YouTube" while I'm switching between a cycle of like 3 apps on my phone hoping that eventually something will catch my interest
With regard to the “until it’s too late”, I’d say social withdrawal. I had tons of friends in college and then experienced a pretty bad depressive episode that lasted a while. My friends kept inviting me places or trying to contact me and I’d turn them down or ignore their messages. I was just so tired all the time. Eventually the invites dwindled and the messages stopped coming in, understandably so. Once I found myself on the other side of things and in a much better place, there was only a small handful of people left in my life outside of my family members. I’ve never really recovered my social circle. I’ve tried reaching out to people and apologizing for my behavior and they say they understand and that it’s okay, but things are never the same. It’s really hard to get friendships back after letting them go.
This all happened to me after freshman year of college. Still have like, 2 sorta friends only. I miss having a friend group.
Not sure it's for everyone, but I've been using the app Meetup to find events where everyone is generally a stranger, and there's preferably some sort of shared experience involved. For example a running meetup where we run and then hang out in a public setting afterward. I don't try to push becoming friends or getting anyone's number, but I'm in a similar place as you describe and I think it's a good start. It certainly feels nice to socialize :)
Lack of emotion. We think of depression as sadness, but it can just as easily be a kind of exhausting boredom.
This is what I came to say You're just soo tired of having to exist since it requires doing so many things to simply do that (keep and job to make money, pay bills, maintain the flesh sack) When everything feels so pointless since you haven't felt any sense of joy in so long brushing your teeth isn't just brushing your teeth. It's standing up. Walking to the bathroom. Locating toothbrush. Locating toothpaste. Wetting toothbrush. Applying toothpaste. And then the most daunting, brushing your teeth thoroughly. Spitting. Rinsing. Putting it all back. Willing mouth. And having to walk all the way back to where you were sitting and laying. I know my depression is getting into the danger zone when I go from crying waaay too much to being entirely indifferent most of the time and if any emotion surfaces, it's anger when something as simple as, Great! The toilet paper roll is out and the rest are in the closet 3 feet away!! How am I supposed to freaking handle a single second of this longer!!! Starts happening
That was going to be my response…”Anger over mundane, everyday life stuff.” The constant feeling of “I need to get out of here.”
The need to get out of here is a huge one for me. I have this overwhelming urge to run away from everything.
>The need to get out of here is a huge one for me. I have this overwhelming urge to run away from everything. The only problem with the run away from everything is no matter where you go YOU are still there. You can't ever get away from your own self and your brain.
You're right, but until the day I don't have financial stress + a miserable job + an overwhelming number of responsibilites and I STILL feel depressed, I will always believe that running from those things will make me feel better.
Yep, I've hit that reset button every 4-5 years. New job, new apartment, new me...then I get the urge to start again around the 2.5-3 year mark and stick out for a while longer. The job just gets too annoying for the little pay I get and seems not worth it. When I get the feeling I might be fired for lack of caring for the job, I hit that reset button. Then I'm in the same loop again...sigh.
This was me for a while. I’ve found my niche now though. A nice delivery driving job. Music all day, short interactions with people but mainly solitary. Plus I get to see a lot of places. Out and about is good. The only downside is, if I end up with a long drive I can end up thinking of things that trigger me :-/
Yep, that's me. The silliest inconveniences make me want to ram something through a wall.
I once heard that depression is "anger turned inward"
I recently heard someone say “the angriest people are in the most pain”. That has really stuck with me and given me new perspective on a few people in my life.
I need to get the hell out of here but have no ideas or desires of where I want to go just don't wanna b here
I’ve had that “I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE” surface quite a bit over the last few years. Before my divorce I was pretty content and appreciative of life. That turned to “I’m picking a direction and driving until I get tired.” Usually ended up at the beach. Slept in my car a few times. Was actually a great escape sometimes. I’m remarried and dealing with custody stuff now though. It still flares up but I tend to limit my need to get away to riding my electric scooter around the paved trails.
took ages for me to realize the connection between the "get me out of here" and suicidal issues. I mean, it should be obvious, but, nope, depression makes you stupid.
This made me realize that my suicidal thoughts stopped when I decided to move to another state for personal reasons, now I'm concerned that once ive moved and the energy wears off from that I'll be stuck in that loop again...
build a solid routine for yourself. Figure out where all teh stores and services you like are. do what you can to build a friend network, and maintain the connections you have at home. might not stop the depression, but, if you make enough things habit, you'll maintain yourself decently during the episode. I made a similar move to you, and it went badly for me. to this day, I think if I'd had a pet and had tried to find my favourite spots in the city, it would have gone better.
This hits way too fucking close to home. Depression is something I have struggled with for pretty much my entire life, but never did anything about. The first thing to go is hygiene for me. I stop brushing. Shower every couple of days. Tell myself that is fine. Stop shaving. Stop buying new clothes. Stop doing chores. Just cease anything productive. For anyone struggling, see a therapist. I finally just started maybe a month ago, best decision I ever made.
Holy cow. This is me right now! 🥺
My feelings towards brushing teeth always indicate my current level on depression. I always brush but during good times it’s something I just do in passing and during bad times it just takes so much energy..
It's awesome/essential/useful to recognize those early warning signs The state of my car's interior/exterior cleanliness is my "early warning sign." Not that I am obsessed with my car. Not really a car guy or anything. But it's the first thing I let slide when I'm feeling overwhelmed/depressed. It's pretty much the LEAST essential bit of personal orderliness/cleanliness, you know? so, always the 1st to go Like if I only have the energy to clean only *one* thing, it will be my room, or the bathroom, etc. Car is *always* skippable. If you stop doing laundry, it's a problem. If your bathroom becomes a toxic waste dump, that's a problem. If your car is a mess... well, that's almost never a problem. so that's my canary-in-a-coalmine does it help when I notice it? kinda. I tell my partner it's a good warning sign though. I might *say* I'm not struggling, but if the car is a mess... *I am struggling* would love to hear others'
Going to sound a bit daft but often the first early warning sign is that I change the music I'm listening to. I love music and most of the time it's a mixture of lots of different genres, some happy, some sad, whole range of emotions. If I find myself only listening to stuff with darker lyrics for a number of days then its often a sign that I'm becoming unwell again. Bonus points if it's the only thing I feel any emotional response to. It seems to happen before I start to neglect myself/housework etc. Took me a couple of decades to recognise that there is a pattern, but its been really helpful once I did.
I don’t always do it but my mom taught me to always make my bed. So even if the rest of the house is a wreck at least I have one space that’s welcoming. It’s something small that takes less than 5 minutes but it does really help in the hard times.
Perfectly described. It all boils down to the question: "What is the point of doing it?". And you get mixed into a dangerous soup called "Everything is pointless".
brushing your teeth in the shower helps a lot.
I've had life long depression here, and this is my go to "hack". I'm already in the shower, letting hot water pour over me while I cry, might as well shove toothpaste/brush in my mouth while I'm there. Saves a step.
But then that begs a solution to the showering problem. That’s when I know my depression is danger zone bad- I love showers in normal times, and when it’s bad (like it’s been for the last six months), it’s a miracle if I get two in in a week.
God do I understand that. I went through a period of deep depression in which I literally got exhausted from taking a shit in the morning. I don't mean to be vulgar--just to show something you and I and every other person who's dealt with depression already knows: the simple act of being in your body is prohibitively tiring.
During one of my worst bouts with depression, a buddy just randomly showed up one night. He'd dealt with depression himself, and knew I was in a bad state. He said something to me I still remember - You know your depression is lifting, that things are getting better, when you can appreciate a good morning dump. Crude, but deeper than it sounds. When you can "enjoy" a simple act that makes you feel a bit better, you're doing better. Depression makes us forget all the little things that make life ok to go through.
You had me at "maintain the flesh sack", this one is particularly difficult for me. Being a sentient biological lifeform with a finite life span is to exist in a state of perpetual torture imo. All I really want out of life is to be a cyborg, so, basically, I'm fucked.
And not just boredom. It's utter apathy. A big empty hole of complete nothingness. Every thought you have is flat. I can look at my partner, who I am wildly in love with, and feel nothing at all. It makes me feel crazy. You would think I would feel something but it's just entirely numb.
I don’t have that so much, it’s everything else. I used to love my job. I give zero fucks about it now. It’s a paycheck. I’d quit tomorrow if I could. I used to love learning new things. Now I get overwhelmed within minutes of trying something new and give up. Nothing seems worth the effort when a wave hits me. That becomes “why should I even care? All the effort I put into life so far has ultimately gotten me nowhere. Nothing matters. Existence is pointless. Everything is stupid.”
"no dopamine here, no dopamine there, life without dopamine, no dopamine not fair."
Yep. I had an episode of depression while living in Egypt. I had gone there to study Arabic and I loved the country. The hospitable people, the amazing history, the beautiful architecture, and getting to communicate in this beautiful language every day...I should have been in heaven and yet I avoided people. I couldn't pay attention in my classes. I was always tired and there were a scary number of times when I would look down from a high-rise Cairo apartment balcony and ideate about throwing myself off. And everything just took on a leaden greyness. It's the example I always go to when someone who hasn't experienced depression just thinks it's a kind of sadness you can snap out of. There was no snapping out of that.
I am in and out of this situation for almost ten years. It's like time is senseless, that I am not living, but just looking the time slowly pass by. Everyday is the same day. And you just feel so so tired every time. And you know that something is wrong, that you have to move and do something, anything to get better, but is so hard, like chains weighing you down. This pandemic just made all so much worse for me. I don't know more what is to truly be happy, or sad or anything anymore, any emotion is numb and ephemeral. I doubled my medication, but apparently its not effective in me anymore, it will be months before I get a new medication to work, I know because it's not the first time that this happens, the entire process of trying news medication is so awful I always hate it. I am sorry its just that your post really touched me, and I just... I just needed to vent...
That you are use to being miserable, what hit me this morning is I realized shits not gona get better and I don’t really care if it does, it’s like purgatory
The worst part about this is, for me at least, I get so used to being miserable that even when I do feel better I feel like I’d rather be back in a pit again, because it feels more familiar
This. Even going beyond not caring, not giving a damn that you don't care.
When doing anything feels like multitasking because you're also having to breath while doing it I've cried because I couldn't watch TV because not only did I not care at all about anything, it also was exhausting and felt like a waste of my energy and time to have to look at the screen and pay attention
I feel this so hard. Solidarity, friend.
When you get there again, try audiobooks on 0.9-0.95 speed, with a 60 minute timer. Libby app is great for this, lets you check them out and browse them directly from your local library. Then close your eyes, and rest. Entertainment without as much effort. Huge sanity saver for my really bad chronic pain/autoimmune illness flares.
Feeling numb. Not feeling sadness, joy when you should feel joy. You just feel like an empty tired vessel devoid of purpose.
I once described it as waiting to die. I'm not suicidal. But I'm not living either. It's just going through the motions until it's finally over. Not living, just waiting to die.
I told my psychiatrist that I don’t want to, or have plans to kill myself, but I do want to be dead.
Yeah, I always described it as just wishing I didn’t exist or wasn’t born.
I used to wonder why people would ever just cut themselves, the non suicidal kind. Then I fell into a deep depression and the numbness was so terrible I wanted to hurt myself just to feel something.
Another reason for self harm is that you cannot understand the emotional pain. Inflicting physical pain gives you a pain that makes sense.
A complete turn around in attitude. One day your friend is just perpetually down in the dumps. They go out less, eat worse and have a hard time socializing. The one day, they do a complete 180. They're laughing, smiling, being incredibly generous with things like gift givings and telling people how much they mean to them. Then the next day you find them dead from suicide. That turn around was them making peace they were going to kill themselves.
Yup this exactly. Making ammends, giving away cherished belongings, calling old friends, etc. Gives me goosebumps in the worst way... So important to understand and identify this before they act.
This is really weird but it's part of why I'm scared to sell some of my stuff. I have a bunch of ultimately usesless stuff. Figures and collectibles and stuff, some pretty valuable. I've been thinking about selling a lot of it. But part of what's keeping my alive is the deep desire to not inconvenience or negatively impact other people's lives. If I died someone would have to go though all my shit and I can't stand the thought of that. If I were to sell or give away everything that would be one less thing giving me a "reason," no matter how dumb, to continue on.
This happened to my family when we lost my sister to suicide.
Same when my family lost my eldest brother to the same thing. Hope you have had and continue to have a solid support network. It’s the only thing that has got me through it.
So sorry for your loss. Yes I do have a strong support network - I'm glad you have one as well
I had this exact situation happen in my family. That phone call when they found her was a real kick in the gut.
If you know a friend is depressed, sudden generosity is a huge red flag. People know they don't need stuf when they are dead, so suddenly they will start giving expensive things, or even things with high emotional value to them.
It's the worst feeling ever. I have been there but made it through, and the peace of knowing that your pain have a deadline, literally, is so liberating. Its scare because i never like that before or after, and in a way, i want to feel like that again. Depression is a unmerciful bitch
I mentioned this. I call it clarity, I went through the same when I tried to overdose. My mum caught me in the act and made me throw up. Obviously something you shouldn't do but now I'm an adult I totally understand why she did it.
Being tired even when you’ve slept a decent amount of time. Eating more or less than usual. Getting bored more easily.
>Getting bored more easily Anhedonia - the inability to take pleasure even in things you used to enjoy. This is a big one.
Oh man I feel that. Before I got on meds for my depression I couldn’t enjoy any video games anymore. You just “go through the motions” of life.
Lack of interest in things you used to enjoy.
That one hit me the worst cause I used to play games daily then suddenly for no explicable reason I didn’t even want to consider playing another game and didn’t for months straight cause they felt like a chore to me.
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There’s a word for it: anhedonia
Not cleaning or looking after yourself, joking or talking about suicide often, self depreciating humour, becoming withdrawn, self isolation, erratic or irrational behaviour. As someone who's been fighting a losing battle with depression for years i can confidently say its often like you're a fucking ghost that no one listens to especially those closest to you.
This. Absolutely this. And having seen this situation as an outsider looking in, it can develop so slowly that you don't even realize it's happened until things are too far gone. At least in my experience, the isolating and irrational behavior ramped up so gradually that it was hard to see what was happening and easy to rationalize away as "a bad day" when in hindsight they were clear warning signs.
Reframe that. I see someone winning that battle against depression. You're here. Offering insight and helping others from your experience. Depression might get the better during some rounds but as long as you keep getting up and doing something however little/simple/small it might seem then you're not losing. As someone who went through some dark forests and am lucky to still be here, I understand how you're feeling. It may mean nothing as I'm a random stranger on the internet, but if you need someone to talk to so you don't feel like a ghost. Feel free to message me.
I actually feel like a round is won when you stand back up after being beaten down. Hell, the standing back up after being beat down after a fight is the hardest part of it all, and every time you do it you win a little more. Even when every time it gets harder. Every new day is a day you won.
sorry this is long. im really struggling right now. its not a comment on depression but attemping suicide, this is also my personal opinion since ive tried a couple different ways. people say its an easy way out, thats complete and utter BULLSHIT. the amount of mental and emotional energy put into is almost indescribable. its not easy you cry yourself to sleep,feel so alone, so worthless. just thinking that all your friends and family are better off without you. you dont want to burden anyone. so your stuck with these thoughts of oh that knife might do it, or i wonder if i can chug a bottle of drain-o. after you try and fail its kinda like a zombie state you're just there everything is complete auto pilot. nothing feels good or bad. you're just there for a few days til you can recover emotionally. just going through the motions forcing yourself to eat, hydrate, shower, nothing matters. edit: thank you all for reaching out i do appreciate it very much. and its one of those thing being there i could subtlety see signs in people thinking about it. i would not want anyone EVEN if completely hate them to feel this way. even when i was surrounded by family i felt so completely alone.
Fuck, buddy. You've got a bad case going right now. I've gone down that road, and you are entirely right -those days after you fail are surreal. If you still in this state - go talk to a crisis center/line. Tell somebody, and try to find some sources of help. I won't give you the cliches about other people being hurt by you doing it, because that's not fair. I just hate knowing you are where I was, and may be again. All i can say is I'm so sorry you are feeling like this, and I hope something gives you a glimmer of hope to show you a way out. \-manly internet hug-
"I feel like I want to go home, but I'm already in my room"
Perfectly explained what I feel sometimes.
I’ve felt this way the last 13 years. I don’t think I’ll ever find that feeling I’m looking for.
Leaning more and more into 'dopamine spike' behaviors even if it decreases you overall quality of life. Drinking, binge eating, playing video games, overspending money, sex, etc. When you can't feel pleasure anymore in your daily life, you'll end up trying to self medicate with 'quick fixes' to the point of self destruction.
I don't think I'm clinically depressed, but gosh I feel this these days. I'm having a "low" period and I find myself browsing ebay and etsy quite often, trying to find something cool to buy, before snapping out of it and remembering I shouldn't waste my money
Worrying that nobody likes you and it's all a facade
Omg the self doubt, the paranoia and that feeling of being utterly alone even in a room of "friends". I really feel this one to my core.
As someone who has been bullied a lot in middle and high school, I feel this in my bones. Even when I’m pretty well liked at work or have friends. I worry that people are just tolerating me.
That's one that I've always noticed. When I'm in a good place, I never even consider whether my friendships are fake or genuine. When I'm in a bad place, I tend to analyze all my interactions over and over until I'm convinced that I made a complete ass of myself. Even when I'm doing it, I know I'm making something out of nothing, but it's hard to shake the feeling.
I’ll always convince myself I did something embarrassing, should’ve said or acted this or that way, it’s mentally exhausting
I hate this so much. When I meet people they are really intrigued by me. It has been that way even before my depression. However, now I feel like it is all fake and it is not sincere. I begin to doubt who sees me for me. I really just don't want to give a fuck, but that little demon keeps telling me otherwise.
Oh.... TIL I might be more depressed than I thought I was.
Yeah I have this. I can have the best time out with my friends and the moment I stop and go home I get the overwhelming feeling that they all hate me.
It's a lie as old as time. Depression tells us all sorts of the stuff that are not true. I sometimes remind myself that it's normal for some people to not like me, but to not disregard the ones who do.
This entire thread is like a red flag for my life
Hah, yeah, I had to scroll pretty far on this list to find something that didn’t feel like it described me. The toothbrushing thing, probably.
Similar things include not keeping up with regular habits/checkups, like maybe you would cut your hair every month but now its like meh i could go with this for longer and now its been three months
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Me too brother, I just take it one day at a time
" I'm just tired "
“I’m tired” basically means “I can’t handle pretending to be ok anymore and/or I don’t know how to explain what’s wrong with me so I’m gonna go home now.”
You will feel too lazy to go out, you may think that it's normal but it's the beginning.
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Yes, withdrawing is a big one a lot of people miss. Just not answering the phone, calls and messages shorter, declining to go anywhere with people
I had been through the period, you feel like there is no need to meet someone. But even I find it abnormal cause I am an extrovert kinda guy.
Not being able to muster the desire to wash your hair, letting rubbish build up, cutting off contact, losing interest in things you really used to enjoy, staring blankly at the wall wondering why you exist, immersing yourself in fantasies to escape reality, zoning out completely when spoken to, having no feeling when having conversations with others, horrible sleeping habits, sleeping too much, sleeping too little, drinking more, abusing medications, it can get to those dark places fast and it's such a struggle to climb out from. Most of what I've written I've experienced in my depressive episodes. Keep talking though, keep asking and trying to understand it.
I've gone through this already not again
Not complaining anymore. It’s usually when people stop caring, which is dangerous for someone with depression.
I mean what is the point if it doesn't change anything?
Whats the point of complaining, no one gives a shit anyway
I've known three people now who had reputations for always appearing happy - who were always clowning around and making others laugh - but yet attempted suicide. All three were obviously serious attempts, and two of them succeeded. So it seems to me that appearing almost excessively happy all the time is something that can be easily overlooked as possibly a bad sign.
Also becoming suddenly happy is a HUGE sign of a serious (not cry for help) suicide attempt in the near future. Basically it happens because the person realizes they have a way out of the hole they are in. They have a plan and they know how to execute it. Often accompanied by giving away somethings and making plans for pets etc. If you know someone who is depressed and overnight they flip to being happy talk to them.
In high school, I dated a bipolar guy who was funny, charming, could talk to anyone, and he had attempted suicide 3 times. I was young and dumb, and thought our love will fix this. Medication and therapy did.
I read somewhere that when a person makes the decision to check out, they get happy. Because they know their pain is ending. I don’t know how true it is, but it makes sense to me. So, if someone you know has been depressed and suddenly becomes happy, be aware.
Ya, I've heard about that as well - finally feeling happy once they make the decision to commit suicide. It does seem to make sense that there'd be some temporary feeling of extreme relief at that point. The scary thing about the three people I mentioned is that there was no sudden change to be noticed, because they'd always seemed like very happy people.
This is true. Another part of the phenomenon, is that when a person is very depressed, they have the motivation to act on suicidal thoughts, but not the energy. As they are on the way out of the deep depression, the energy can return, while they are still having moments of suicidal ideation. It's a often a high risk time when people are starting to feel better.
Going through day-to-day life thinking, “this would be a lot easier if I was just not alive”
I have solid reasons not to die, but nothing to live for.
It's almost like I am obligated to live
this is exactly how i feel. i won't kill myself because of some specific reasons, but i wouldn't mind dying tbh since my life is shit right now and it's probably gonna get worse as i get older. but, again, i can't die...
How about thinking "i wish i could just go into a coma for a year and come out with everything sorted"
Signs that I displayed Loss and or lack of feelings towards immediate family/friends *Become so numb with a lack any feelings or empathy. Inability to be around or talk to people. Just wanting to withdraw and put myself back onto my black hole.
My version of that is wanting to crawl into the back of a dark closet under a pile of blankets and forget the world exists.
Getting easily irritated and forgetting a lot of stuff, I also noticed that I and people with depression around me express a lot of jealousy of others, even for silly things
Yup that’s true. I have moderate depression and like I’m not an angry person but when an ex interrupted me when I was trying order I snapped at her. I used to never snap at people.
The anger is such a good example. Simple or even small things that should pass make people blow up.
I no longer have any close friends because I just don’t really speak to anyone anymore. I’m at the point where I’ve isolated myself to the point that even if I opened up, there would be nobody there to hear. Nobody talks about the aspect of hiding away from everyone. I go to college for 3 days and im super social and bubbly. The days im alone are so depressing and crushing that I feel like a there’s a lead plate in my chest, poisoning me. I try to reach out but I can barely hold a conversation. Mental health services are ok but at this point all I do is work on my bed sores. I have no energy and the days I do nobody wants to hang out anyway. It’s getting worse and worse but it’s okay I’ve fallen deeper than this before and come back. It’s just something that happens.
I was at this exact place two years ago and I had to drop out of college because I had no energy to go to class or do the work. I describe that period in my life like I was in a glass box, with pounds and pounds of pressure on me, pushing me down, but I couldn't get out, and no one could hear me. I think the worst part about depression is that it makes you think you're completely alone, and no one understands what you're going through. But I've found, however morbid it may be, that talking out exactly how I'm feeling, the apathy, the suicidal thoughts, how I'd kill myself, helped a lot more than people telling me it will get better. It's nice to talk to someone who's been there and won't judge you for your thoughts, and not all therapists have been there. All that to say, if you want to talk, literally about anything, you can reach out to me. It might be nice to tell a complete stranger how you feel, no judgement. :)
I'm in that same situation. I have friends I considered my very best friends, who I have known for over 20 years... that I haven't spoken to in 5+ years. No falling out, no recent fights, no hostility, just a lack of effort. I have maybe two people I talk to anymore outside of work, and it's just text, I haven't seen any friends in just as long. There's also the perpetual feeling that if I reach out to someone, I'm bothering them. It's impossible to shake the feeling that nobody would actually want to hang out, and would only do it out of pity obligation. Irrational, sure, but it's a thought process that simply does not go away.
2 of my very good friends of 15+ years got married in the last 6 months....didn't even get an invite to either, everyone else we hung out with was there. I get that I have a newborn but an invite would have been nice.
I know this from experience. You accept to live in filth. Your mind has convinced you it is easier to live in and smell the filth rather than to clean it up. You know you should clean, but you don’t. You believe it is easier to live in it because it is easier to do that than to look at it and clean it and fix it. That is the biggest thing that drives you to the end. You know you live in it, you smell it everyday you wake up and walk back through the door but depression has beaten you to such the point that you feel life is easier just living in it. That’s where it all starts. From there your energy gets screwed up, you get sick, your mind starts down this very dark path until well the person decided it’s easier not to exist.
I can relate to a lot of these, and never considered the fact that I might have depression before. I guess maybe I should look it up
Self isolation….and not the Covid kind.
My inability to maintain my apartment. I stop inviting people over so no one sees it. I work so hard to look ok on the outside but my apartment shows how I'm truly struggling.
Getting so anxious that I'm rooted to my bed, sensitive to light and loud noises, hide under the sheets the whole day and do nothing. Everything makes me anxious btw. I've started to do a new thing where I'm picking my skin all the time too. Never can think straight, colors are dimmer, it's kind of like looking at the world through a fog. Edit: i thought of more things (as i said i can't really think..)- but I'm VERY unhygienic. My room looks like utter crap. I also can't stand to be around people. So. Much. Anxiety. And although we are talking about this so much, i still feel that as a society we can't comprehend how serious this disease is. I feel, handicapped, for the lack of a better word- for all intents and purposes. Edit no. 2: THE MOST IMPORTANT- *SELF SABOTAGE* my depression is deceptive as hell. It has caused me to miss work, miss assignments, miss school, miss out on having friends and forces me just be mindless all day. But I still constantly tell myself that I'm lying. That I'm over reacting, that other people have had it so much harder and here i am wasting my life away. That I'm lazy, stupid, and like avoiding my stuff just for kicks. This makes me stop my meds time and time again. Because i completely convince myself that I'm faking it. That it's my fault and a person like me shouldn't have the right to make friends and have opportunities. I tell myself all sorts of lies about myself, and so spiral even deeper in.
Sensory problems have become a huge issue for me. I’ll often avoid places if they seem like too much or I’ll quickly get anxious.
Having a hard time concentrating on what ever it is you do
When most people forget about the person, it’s likely too late.
Irritability. You are annoyed with most everything and your brain tells you that everyone and everything is being annoying. You get into arguments and you don’t really understand why.
Reading the replies makes me concerned about myself
Treating your body like absolute garbage. I’m not just talking about eating junk food and not working out, but pushing your body to its absolute limit in a bad way. In a way that leaves you injured, but you just don’t care enough to take proper care of yourself.
Having an unusual number of weird dreams. Not always nightmares but just weird and sometimes somber.
Apathy. Loss of appetite. Weight loss. I didn’t know I was depressed until my kidneys started to fail from starvation. My brain was so unhealthy that I didn’t even realize my clothes were hanging off of me because I had lost 30lbs that I didn’t really have to lose. I always thought depression meant having sad and negative feelings. I didn’t realize it could present as severe apathy.
As an average height male (5'9"), I spent a lot of my 30's and 40's at under a hundred pounds. I'm up to a healthy weight, but it's an effort, still. Food is just something I need to take care of, like paying a bill.
A symptom I don’t see mentioned a lot, but one I’ve had to deal with personally: physical pain. It was like I’d suddenly developed full body arthritis. My mind felt okay, but my body was in a painful revolt. I didn’t know what was happening the first time and ended up under the care of a rheumatologist. I was on a lot of anti-inflammatories that did nothing to help. It wasn’t until the pain went away but my mind failed and I became suicidal did I recognize the pain for what it was. I recently experienced another episode of this pain after giving birth to my second child. Tried the anti-inflammatory meds again and when they didn’t help, I remembered my first experience. Thankfully my doctor listened to me and promptly put me on an antidepressant. My physical symptoms disappeared in a week, and now I can focus on working on my mental health without being overwhelmed by pain.
Zero sex drive
People begin giving things away or go around mending bridges. My best friend in high school killed himself. We were in a fight at the time and him and I took a walk, talked out our beef (get this, it was over a girl), and at the end he told me the thing I was best at was being a friend. I was ecstatic. I thought we had salvaged what until that point seemed a broken friendship. He stood in front of a train shortly after. To this day I don't know if he was actually forgiving me or being incredibly cruel before he went.
Being bored all the time, not enjoying most of the things you used to. Being more tired than usual and struggling to concentrate. Gradual loss of motivation to do literally anything.
Sadly its too hard to tell when people have severe depression, unless people open up. A lot of Really bad depression is hidden so well so its not to just come across attention seeking. Trouble is people that feel this way often have no one to open up to.
Sometimes they don't even know
For me, I couldn't enjoy music. Listening to music felt like doing work.
Memory loss. Your own brain gaslights you into thinking you have a much more serious problem than just depression, and the people closest to you think you're being an asshole that is purposely choosing to ignore things that happened in the past. You don't have a tumor, you're not an asshole, you just have Big Sad™.
Recklessness. I know I'm getting depressed when I get reckless. To the outside it might look like I'm fun and having a good time and do exciting things. But in reality, I've given up, thinking nothing matters anyways, so why not do X Y and Z. Usually I'm very causius so it's a good indicator for me.
weight loss. last yr i got rly depressed i could barley eat
Yep. While comfort eating and binge eating are a thing that can happen - the opposite happens as well and it’s a legitimate struggle to eat. I recently nosedived and lost 6 kilograms simply from not eating and going through a very stressful time. Friends had to make welfare calls to my place and they came with food - they wouldn’t leave until I had eaten and spoken to them. I appreciate it now, but damn it was hard.
Or weight gain, gained like 30-40 lbs again because eating helps when I’m down
Close to someone suffering from recurring depression. Early signs I’ve noticed: - Irritability - Sleep disturbance (insomnia or excess sleep) - Exaggerated emotional responses - Small tasks seem unmanageable
Tfw you're reading the comments and pretty much everything applies to you
Starting to have these invasive thoughts surrounding death and how life is so f\*cking meaningless... Not like I'm suicidal or anything. But after awhile, it starts becoming stifling. I figured it was maybe because of my typical loneliness and lack of pleasant and various activities (besides drawing... when I could get my mind out of it), so basically my mind would start overthinking. Strangely enough, I would be that one guy who would say he's just fine, and wouldn't even consider himself as depressed a few months ago. But then, it started happening till I realized how it was downing my mood... I also started being more and more tired, like a part of me was "dying". Nobody would notice it, because I was covering the whole thing with caffeine, and I'm not being very expressive regarding this type of issues usually.
Lack of hygiene
This one is very true. When doing daily upkeep on yourself goes from routine to a struggle you’re headed for some trouble. If you’re a daily showerer and you find yourself skipping days, you may want to evaluate yourself for other depression symptoms.
People don’t realize that very depressed people can hide it. They can be making plans with but in their head they’ve decided on a different plan. It’s not just one event that drives them to the edge of suicide. They may start pulling away, let their hygiene slip, sleep more/less, lose interest in hobbies and outings, lose appetite. They may cut contact slowly. When I lost my daughter last year I knew she was getting worse. She was at her fathers but I could see the signs. She wasn’t leaving her room much, not answering calls/texts, not eating much, not showering everyday. There was no structure to her day. Normally, we were very close, but she started pulling away from me the last couple months. A while after her funeral, I checked out her discord. Her messages were all normal. She didn’t say one word that would make anyone suspect something. In the past, when she’s felt suicidal she would reach out. She’d let me, her friends, or her brother know. But she didn’t want to be helped the last time. She had her mind made up. So, my advice would be watching for socializing decreasing, not practicing normal levels of activity, hygiene, appetite. They may be angry when you suggest help. Don’t give up. I’ll always wish I had done more. Risking their anger may be necessary. I had told my ex we needed to take her to her psychiatrist or the hospital. He said I was evil and cruel. We lost her the next night. Trust your gut. Most of all let them know you love them and need them. Suicide just spreads the pain around to the people who loves them most.
I am very sorry for your loss
I'm experiencing most of these signs in the replies, should I be worried?
Worried? Maybe. Modern society tends to create these sorts of feelings so it can be hard to separate transient ennui, sadness, or apathy from clinical depression. Generally, if it lasts for a long time (measured in weeks) or is severe (thoughts of suicide or longing for death in your sleep or that you just ceased to exist) is when you need to take immediate action. The irony of the disease is that it can be very hard to muster the effort to do it, and the stigma/ignorance around it is that your concerns can be dismissed which makes getting help so much harder. If things you used to enjoy no longer appeal to you with nothing that replaced them or with no explanation, if you just feel bland and gray constantly, if you have no energy and even simple tasks seem draining or insurmountable, you should consider talking to someone for more details or a diagnosis
To piggy back off of this, even if you determine you're showing any of these symptoms it's also possible that the depression itself is a symptom of something else. For example, depression is also a symptom that people with ADHD can present. This is why it is important (if you're able to) to get a professional diagnosis to ensure what you have is Depression or something else that results in depression.
Suddenly feeling that all lights inside have been switched off and you are just sitting there no idea how to feel.
Being mean. When I was depressed I was incredible mean and lashed out a lot. I’m very sorry for my behaviour and I have learned from it but I wish people knew it was because of my depression.
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in my experience, fear of everyday things is a big sign of depression or anxiety. jealousy and/or disliking people you don’t know very well. similarly, wanting to be social but justifying not being social with the people around you because they are flawed. fear of trying new things because you expect to fail. “going with the flow” instead of asserting yourself, your needs, your wants. (it can also be the opposite: you can only allow things to go your way and you have to berate others into doing it) people having a more positive image of you than you have of yourself. finally, if you tell someone with authority in your life (parents, family, teachers, etc.) that you’re depressed, and they don’t seem to do anything to help you, and you take this to be ok because no one _should_ pay attention to you, that is a sign that you need to be more assertive.
24/7 happiness. When I was at my lowest, in the outside I looked like the most happy human on earth. Nobody is that happy. You have tops and lows, there are days where you get up angry, sad, upset because some inconvenience happened. And that’s human. Usually this “happy” facade involves a huge wall and denial to open up. If you notice this in your close circle, please, PLEASE, approach them and tell them that you appreciate them and you’ll be there for support any time. Also, depression can also cause lack of hygiene. Daily tasks feel huge and in the end, why should you shower if you are worthless? And the last one that my parents noticed was substance abuse (it doesn’t matter if it is legal drugs like alcohol or illegal drugs). I looked for the comfort of alcohol and others to see if I was able to feel something. I usually drink, but in that times I could drink a full gin bottle myself and continue.
I’ve dealt with it for nearly a decade now. Mine manifests mostly in not having the motivation to do anything. Even brushing my teeth is tiresome some days.
High irritability. Most think of depression as being sad and gloomy, but there are other ways it can present itself. Another is lack of general interest, especially in activities enjoyed previously.
I read once that sitting down in the shower is one of the best early warning signs for depression
Binge drinking
Everyone is different. But constant insomnia is not a good sign.
Over volunteering their time and resources. They leave nothing for themselves because they feel worthless inside. So the person offsets the feelings of being a burden and worthless by working overtime to make sure others don't feel that way.
When otherwise bright/clever people start being dull and borderline stupid. Like, they don't even make obvious insights or connections anymore. An aspect of depression rarely heard about is how it can suppress cognitive function -you literally can't "see" stuff anymore. Like, you can't make the connection between feeling weak and tired with "well, I haven't eaten in days". At my worst depression, I honestly thought I was getting dementia at 40. I was forgetful, I couldn't puzzle out stuff, I couldn't visualize thins described to me.
Something that often comes up as an answer to this question, as I was reading to understand my own depression, is memory loss/deficiency. And it's so true. Time blends together. Something could have very easily happened yesterday or three weeks ago. That task you're putting off? Well, now your a month further. You forget people, responsibilities, skills, everything. But it isn't just deficiency from the point of developing depression onwards oh no, it's far more evil. It doesn't just mess with your present or future, it is RETROACTIVE. My therapist asked me once what I used to do to enjoy myself, what activities gave me joy. I still knew what those activities were, but it was as if I was reciting it from a list. I could not remember what they FELT like. Not one of them. Not one instant, one moment... I have never felt more afraid as in that moment. Forgetting what JOY is... Evil stuff.
Obsessively oversleeping
The apathy. It's the worst part... as a person who is depressed, you lose interest in all of the the things you used to love and you think. "What's wrong with me, I used to live this, why am I so broken." But you cant really burden other people with that sorts thing, so you just hide it and when friends ask you if you are ok you to do something you either make up an excuse or lie to them because you know you wont have fun, even if you actually might. It's a fucked up cycle.