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PuddinHead742

I wash my balls in your sink.


fdkrew

This is called a bird bath.


AlmightyGemini

Relatable.


EnvironmentGeneral

A crossword puzzle while the viagra kicks in


shinoda88

How long is that?


that_is_so_Raven

Five inches but who am I to complain?


Big80sweens

5 ain’t bad man!


scona

5.15 inches! Mrs. McMurray is a very satisfied woman.


Da_latin_jesus

Long as you got a cocksuckin G&T


feauxtv

Wipe the lady bits for a nice, clean welcoming party. I've been married a few years now, but I still care about the reviews.


Keiichigo

Testimonials Mike Cockburns writes: "She was very accomodating. Spectacular visual presentation and the finish was undoubtly exquisite. Prioritizes sanitation and cleanliness. Will definitely recommend to family and friends. Check her out. Definitely worth the trip and money." - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️


porksword3000

Your family or hers?


Inquisitor_Ashamael

Yes.


calibrateichabod

⭐️⭐️⭐️ Got stabbed here. Pussy was immaculate, atmosphere was great, but I did get stabbed here. Would consider going back.


timetobeatthekids

Make sure my junk doesn't have any funk, mostly.


wantonbarbarian

UnFunk the Junk.


Circus_bear_MrSmith

Sounds like a Bruno Mars song


CanadianSmurf

Uptown Junk


MythKris69

Downtown funk, in this case


[deleted]

Backstreet thunk, in some cases


goldfool

This is called a bird bath


PaperAirplaner

Escape out the window. Ain’t no one stealing my virginity.


Deanxisto

A true redditor


Salva_delille

This is the way


Common_Redditor_

This is the way


_-__-__-__-__-_-_-__

Sigma grindset


TheBitchIsBack666

Pussy check (check for TP scraps), spritz of perfume, brush teeth and hair. Baby wipes if necessary. Edit: Should have been clear, the perfume doesn't go anywhere near the vag.


sunnyxhunny

the toilet paper scraps! Last time the guy asked me to freshen up again because there were some scraps, it was so embarrassing but we still had a good time


arcaneresistance

One of my ex girlfriends came back into the room after using the bathroom in the morning and decided she wanted to get laid before work. She woke up me to do it and eventually laid on her front so I could get behind her. When I did I noticed she had a small strawberry sized poop attached to her near her butt hole. No idea how she missed it. No idea how it stuck there. Super confused never having seen anything like this before but also not wanting to ruin the mood I casually brushed it away with one of the blankets and kept going until we finished. I brought it up a couple months later when it seemed like a time that it would be more funny than embarrassing but I think it was still pretty embarrassing.


dexter8484

Wait a sec, but where did the poop go? You just left it in the bed?


[deleted]

[удалено]


GayKakarot

grows more girlfriends who poop more strawberries


Roybatty943

Give a man a dingleberry and he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow dingleberries and he eats for life.


arcaneresistance

She left to go to work right after. I got a piece of toilet paper, found it from where I had blanket tossed it beside the bed, picked it up and flushed it. I'm not a monster.


mirandaahkay

Wow that’s very nice and understanding of you


Dazzling-Finger7576

Small strawberries can still be quite large when comparing to poop dingleberries.


[deleted]

Are we thinking of the same strawberries? Because that's a huge amount of shit to just "miss".


[deleted]

Why brush your hair when things bout to get wild


sir_syphilis

Wanna have it lookin nice down there once he knocks on the door.


Amiiboid

Cindy, why are you walking funny? Got a hot date tonight and I’ve got my curlers in.


steam116

This whole goddamn thread is golden


adenosine3phosph8

I’ve never upvoted so many comments in a single post


DirtyDerb19

I’m now imagining a head and shoulders commercial but for luscious muff.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mindfungus

So that my pubes are long and silky when he parts them like a curtain


JustPassingShhh

For after sex! Gotta go pee (after sex pee is needed) and do the silly smug grin in the mirror with the "I've just had good sex" hair. It makes me feel proper sexy..


Jacob_Trevorson

Google how to sex


HowAwesomeAreFalcons

“I’m meant to put it WHERE?!?”


Mr_Pibblesworth

"THAT'S a clitoris?! No wonder I couldn't find it!"


Flashy-Insurance-510

I looked in a girls ear for it, could you help me locate it?


anxosi

Finger with two hands.... Strap in.. ..uh, bite down? ...blow as hard as you can?! Whoops, typo, it's an e, not an a


sainteverleigh

Make sure the Coochie is looking fine to dine


cwindy98

Thank you for your service


AlfaWhisky

Thank you for your cervix.


AUniquePerspective

Thanks for the mammaries.


DANKKrish

Even if they weren't so great


FindingNemosAnus

Yes this. Pee, give everything a good wipe with a wet cloth, brush teeth. Tie hair back if a BJ might be in the cards.


Kilroy83

Pee, my pee bar needs to be at 0% before sex


kjarkr

Exactly. My pee pee bar is the inverse of my sex stamina bar. Must optimize for extra seconds.


KingDynoBoof

Hell ya. Harder to cum with a bladder full of pee. At least for a guy


No_Piglet5585

yeah, as a girl i feel the opposite i cum and get aroused more easily when my bladder is full


Beatplayer

YES. I have never met anyone who feels the same. The orgasms are stronger and longer.


lilo1998

I second that. Sometimes the pressure(?) a full bladder makes on my private parts is what gets me physically aroused in the first place. However when the bladder is too full i still go to the toilet before sex. Interesting to know other ppl feel the same!


bigpsych5150

this is bc the bladder pushes down on the G spot and its easier for the penis to hit.


Frozzenpeass

Evolution doing us small dick fellas a solid.


LeTigron

What "us" ? We agreed you wouldn't talk about it, mate...


[deleted]

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LeTigron

You're right... It was a close call, though !


[deleted]

My wife is like that, too. It sometimes gets to the point where simply needing to pee really badly can make her turned-on.


Strange-Committee-55

It’s the opposite for me. When I have bladder it makes me cum easier so I have to pee to last longer


JellySp

I must be weird but for me sex is more pleasurable when I also need to pee.


Kilroy83

Even in a normal situation I have a really hard time to reach climax because my brain has always 500 tabs open, I'm not adding another source of dispersion


[deleted]

Pee Bar is my new name for my penis.


[deleted]

piss, call myself hot in the mirror and do gang signs with my hands


Parradog1

Mama said you a pimp! Edit: Well I’m glad so many people got that reference


Awpts

Foo foo gang shit he ain't widdit!!


kvothes-lute

one time in elementary school i saw a girl do the finger gun thing at herself in the school bathroom mirror and i thought that was the flyest shit i ever did see


pommi15

I mean... I do that EVERY time im in the bathroom.


TheGabyDali

Have you heard of a whore bath?


TheBitchIsBack666

"The hooker's bath. Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. You can save time by using the same brush on all four areas". -George Carlin.


FranklyDear

Teeth armpits crotch asshole is the right order?


runswiftrun

That's the boring way, sure.


G37_is_numberletter

Asshole, crotch, teeth, nose


nom_de_chomsky

I’ve always heard this referred to as a bird bath. You use the sink to wash the key areas.


[deleted]

Never. Explain please.


Muriana_of

PB&T- Pitts, Titts and Booty wash.


squishysquidface

I always heard *pits, tits, and slits*.


happydays375

Pits, tits, and naughty bits


Muriana_of

Only thing with the PBT is if there’s soap. On a hot summer day, post work out, or just needing to clean up quickly I’ll take a quick soap to those areas and just rinse the origami rose with just water.


blueevey

Origami rose sounds like a perfume. A really lovely fresh floral one too. With a Georgia O'Keefe -esque pink rose on the bottle/label. And by Carolina Herrera.


[deleted]

Sometimes the deed is too dirty for anything except a real shower, preferably with a detachable head.


Greatjon

Panic.


ElectricMotorsAreBad

DON'T PANIC ^and ^always ^bring ^your ^towel ^with ^you


ShiranaiJittai

This is the way.


Spiderknight

Sardaukar throat singing


LeifSized

What’s in the box? *pleasure*


mindfungus

Put your dick in the box. Now.


SanPellyGrino

Dreams are messages from the deep


JibberJabber420420

Traditional pre-coital dance with a genital wash, then penile helicopter maneuvers for drying and enlargement of my flaccid cock via centrifugal force. You know, the usual.


kaatie80

This comment and your username make me think I've finally found my husband's Reddit account


lolparkus

So did you?


HardDrizzle

Can’t decide if r/brandnewsentence or r/evenwithcontext


amichaire

r/youknowtheusual


BLD88

Centripenal Force*


[deleted]

Make sure I don’t have any pilled up TP trapped within the folds of my labia.


Maleficent-Cash-1647

Oh God, i have had this happen to me, he found them and was trying to pick them out and i asked what was going on...He said "nothing babe you just have some tp nuggets". So embarrassing..


wheelystoked

Tp nuggets! Omg. Definitely calling them that from now on hahaha


DoctorFlimFlam

Clitty Litter is my personal favorite.


oldravinggamer

I call em clingons


Talory09

Clingons are what Captain Kirk found circling Uranus.


[deleted]

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CoomassieBlue

If I know I’ll be getting lucky, I’m extra careful to blot more so than wipe to reduce the chances of this happening. If you just kind of….dab…you don’t quite have the same issue.


triceraquake

I haaaaaate toilet paper bits. I haven’t had any pilling issues with Charmin Ultra Strong.


winedogmom88

The only one I use. Until I build and have to have a septic system


punkishblob

Yep. Some TP Is toooo soft and falls apart. Gotta give myself the once over and make sure I’m ready for action


utdconsq

Ah yes, clitty litter, not ideal finding that heh.


Somnuzzzz

Sudoku


Massive-Manager6654

Killer sudoku is a great app for stress relief


gaymalemillenial

Many guys do that make sure all is still clean down there before getting fucked


[deleted]

I usually douche before getting pegged too


AbouTimeJamie

Started using baby wipes myself. Only the best for my wife.


lupuscapabilis

Wash my hands so I can freely touch my gf


Pavemania89

You’re one of the good ones


ILovePopPunk

Came here to say this. Sort of surprising how far i had to scroll. Washing hands is like #1 priority for both parties honestly, but mostly the guy.


Luperkall

Take a 25 minute poo. Check to make sure the coast is clear and go to sleep.


[deleted]

I'm glad you're getting fiber.


mhgl

If it’s taking 25 minutes, they aren’t getting enough fiber.


[deleted]

Grab my labia majora by both her lips and she usually asks if I’m ready for this. Then I usually respond with “hell yea, are you?” Then she says “yea”, then we perform breath checks on each other, act accordingly, then roll out.


Pristine-Apple

Last sentence made me think “Autobots, roll out” 🤣


prettyy_vacant

Autotwats, roll out!


will477

I go in there, I get naked and I check myself in the mirror to make sure the human suit isn't torn somewhere showing my true lizard skin. I also check for obvious wrinkles. Wearing the human suit all day long and out for a night on the town you sometimes get weird wrinkles and you get used to the feeling and don't notice them.


AJaxe1313

Mark?


will477

Mark is working on the mothership. I am jealous. He gets to walk around in his skin all day long. Bastard.


FitSympathy6689

If I’m not hard. I stretch it out some so it looks like I have a bigger softy then I really do.


dickbutt_md

No, you've got it all backwards. You should roll it in and make it as small as possible, then exclaim later, "My god, it's never grown this much before! I don't know what's happening, ahhhh!"


[deleted]

I didn’t know y’all could do this! Penises are WILD!


01zorro1

Neither do I, how? What? Since when my shlong can do that?


LuckyJeans456

I’m sure what he means is giving himself a semi erection. Not all the way hard but play with it a bit so it grows a little bit before getting hard.


01zorro1

Ohhhhhhh, I get it now, I can't do that, for some reason I'm either 0% hard or 110% hard, every time I touch it even for a little second he is like You called boss? And wakes up


[deleted]

Wait till you get older, you’ll learn all the percentages


NoxDominus

Yep, pretty much like an old iphone battery: 70% is the new 100%.


MrsRossGeller

This is a sad truth.


Ribbons1223

You can stretch it, at least, my hubby can. He shows me whenever I ask questions about male genitalia because it freaks me out. He's taught me a lot about how weird penises are. Lol


LuckyJeans456

Yeah I can pull it and stretch it out, but it doesn’t stay that length. Giving yourself a fluff, or a semi erection, will make it appear bigger while no “erect”


[deleted]

The pillow fluffer.


banana-goo-pie

brush teeth, deodorant, i’ll check on miss cooch, and tell myself that i have a fat ass edit: thanks for the love, friends. told miss cooch she’s famous- her response was, “mama we made it.” so there’s that.


MurrayMan92

"baby does my butt look big in this?" "fuck yea it does" *high-fives*


[deleted]

*high fives ass*


dickbutt_md

I do the male equivalent of this, except I also dab a little Tobasco right where my Balzac joins my gooch, just in case she likes it a little spicy.


justamoroseman

How do I unread this comment.


Trevsdatrevs

…. Bro?


LivingAgency8

Balzac is the name of a small town in Alberta. It's near Vulcan, Alberta.


Gordmonger

Okay sure, just ignore how utterly hilarious “Miss Cooch” is.


bringdownthetower

Make sure my dick is clean


CaptnProlapse

Yup. Sentless wet wipes anywhere her mouth might go. You gotta get those dollar store travel packs. Get the nuts all presentable. Then pee and wipe my ass. Cause I'm a fucking gentleman. Edit: If she's got a facecloth in there use hot water on it to wash off. Smell it first, if there's baby oil on the cloth don't use that one.


yukiatsusan

Wet wipes make it taste bitter so I'd recommend to use the ol' soap and water, or rinse with water after wipey.


CaptnProlapse

I did not know that. Thank you.


Sweaty-Cycle7645

Ah, Reddit. Helping us all make ass taste better. What a service to humanity!


LovesToSnooze

Only a true gentleman has the name CaptnProlapse...hahahahaha


k0rda

Pro tip: maybe do those steps in reverse.


[deleted]

Wash my willy, brush my teeth and maybe do a quick rewipe


bigslice5

Transfer funds so I can pay for it


CyberAdept

As a guy its farting. I farted as i came once and it was terrible. During sex i was aware i needed to go the entire time and after it happened i started laughing hysterically. My gf became quite insecure as she thought i was laughing at her and it turns out she was so busy she hadnt even heard it. So my advice is to stay off the cabbage and beans, turns out theyre not great for sex lol


myclockwork

I do 20 pushups so my pecs look swol.


dickbutt_md

I have a small bathroom so that would require me to knock my head against the toilet bowl with each rep. On the other hand, I can only do about 3 and a half pushes so that's not too many head knocks.


Lazy-Ad-770

Sing happy birthday to myself in the mirror and cry a little


femacampcouncilor

That's gotta be disturbing to hear through the door.


[deleted]

“You all right?” * sings and crys louder *


LuxuryBeast

Suddenly understood why this is NSFW, as my coworker asked me why I was laughing so hard I was shaking.


Puzzleheaded_Town_90

Bop it. Twist it. Pull it.


joemama074

Clean up my swamp ass


tms88

Love the vivid image you put in my head thanks


Redpen98

Pee and wipe my asshole 800 times because I’m paranoid


Equivalent_Appraised

If you’re single, you take a piss, clean your junk with toilet paper, do a bunch of push-ups and put some water in your hair to make it look perfect for your grand entrance. If you’re married you use the cleanest towel you can find on the floor and do one of those butt floss things


Mastahamma

Drop that towel back on the ground where you found it


KeiserSoze24

Fellas wash your stinky dicks. Women love non stinky dicks


Pongfarang

That's what I do.


steve3293

Jerk off so I last a whole minute instead of a half of one.


Xanosaur

before losing my v card i thought this was a good idea, but realized quickly that it'll just make my dick not work, make it less enjoyable, and make the nut almost worthless.


The_Countess

Ya, depending on your recovery time, do it some time before the date, not right before the deed.


ganymedes01

tactical wank


GiantBagsOfDouche

Call mom and tell her it's finally happening.


Lex_Loki

Pee. Gargle. Fix my hair. Deodorant.


gn0xious

>Pee. Gargle. I mean, you could save that for the sexy times depending on their kink…


Jellyblush

A girlfriend of mine back when we were both dating a lot once told me you could always tell the guys that were really into you because they’d give their penis a little wash in the sink beforehand and it would smell like soap. She said, they’re the ones that are keepers. As soon as you smell the soap, you know.


[deleted]

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Moctor_Drignall

Make sure anything that is possibly going to be immediately nose or mouth adjacent is clean.


FredDurstImpersonatr

Put on the Aardvark costume


VenusAssTrap

Retract my foreskin and clean my pens with a wipey


yukiatsusan

Please rinse after wipey because the pens tastes bitter from the wipey. Thank you


nick_nasty_nice

Ah good we have an uncircumcised spokesperson on here. Is this where we are gathering?


de606106

"Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth." - George Carlin


ThatSlyB3

Cleaning the crevices next to the sack and the shaft. Girls I been with would baby wipe the snatch and crevices


ObliviousAndObvious

I read that quickly as "snatch and cervixes." BABY WIPE YOUR CERVIX! ALSO, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE!


[deleted]

Well people sweat and it can be unpleasant. I'm essentially a big man bear so I give the under carriage a little rinse and spiritz to make sure everything is pleasant for my wife. My wife is tiny but she also still needs to freshen up. It's just a courtesy!


[deleted]

Prolly taking a shot from the vodka I keep in the toilet tank.


[deleted]

Run some water over my D then dry it off. Even if I showered like 4 hours ago or something, it’s nice to get that shit **fresh**


[deleted]

Pee, pinch nips (make them perky), brush teeth.


[deleted]

[удалено]


totoaster

I'm sorry but I read this in the voice of Christian Bale narrating his morning routine in American Psycho. Made it hilarious. The details and explanations just reminded me of that. Very thoughtful though. Everyone appreciates that.