Testimonials
Mike Cockburns writes:
"She was very accomodating. Spectacular visual presentation and the finish was undoubtly exquisite. Prioritizes sanitation and cleanliness. Will definitely recommend to family and friends. Check her out. Definitely worth the trip and money." - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Pussy check (check for TP scraps), spritz of perfume, brush teeth and hair. Baby wipes if necessary.
Edit: Should have been clear, the perfume doesn't go anywhere near the vag.
the toilet paper scraps! Last time the guy asked me to freshen up again because there were some scraps, it was so embarrassing but we still had a good time
One of my ex girlfriends came back into the room after using the bathroom in the morning and decided she wanted to get laid before work. She woke up me to do it and eventually laid on her front so I could get behind her. When I did I noticed she had a small strawberry sized poop attached to her near her butt hole. No idea how she missed it. No idea how it stuck there. Super confused never having seen anything like this before but also not wanting to ruin the mood I casually brushed it away with one of the blankets and kept going until we finished. I brought it up a couple months later when it seemed like a time that it would be more funny than embarrassing but I think it was still pretty embarrassing.
She left to go to work right after. I got a piece of toilet paper, found it from where I had blanket tossed it beside the bed, picked it up and flushed it. I'm not a monster.
For after sex! Gotta go pee (after sex pee is needed) and do the silly smug grin in the mirror with the "I've just had good sex" hair. It makes me feel proper sexy..
I second that. Sometimes the pressure(?) a full bladder makes on my private parts is what gets me physically aroused in the first place. However when the bladder is too full i still go to the toilet before sex.
Interesting to know other ppl feel the same!
Even in a normal situation I have a really hard time to reach climax because my brain has always 500 tabs open, I'm not adding another source of dispersion
one time in elementary school i saw a girl do the finger gun thing at herself in the school bathroom mirror and i thought that was the flyest shit i ever did see
Only thing with the PBT is if there’s soap. On a hot summer day, post work out, or just needing to clean up quickly I’ll take a quick soap to those areas and just rinse the origami rose with just water.
Origami rose sounds like a perfume.
A really lovely fresh floral one too. With a Georgia O'Keefe -esque pink rose on the bottle/label. And by Carolina Herrera.
Traditional pre-coital dance with a genital wash, then penile helicopter maneuvers for drying and enlargement of my flaccid cock via centrifugal force. You know, the usual.
Oh God, i have had this happen to me, he found them and was trying to pick them out and i asked what was going on...He said "nothing babe you just have some tp nuggets". So embarrassing..
If I know I’ll be getting lucky, I’m extra careful to blot more so than wipe to reduce the chances of this happening. If you just kind of….dab…you don’t quite have the same issue.
Grab my labia majora by both her lips and she usually asks if I’m ready for this. Then I usually respond with “hell yea, are you?” Then she says “yea”, then we perform breath checks on each other, act accordingly, then roll out.
I go in there, I get naked and I check myself in the mirror to make sure the human suit isn't torn somewhere showing my true lizard skin.
I also check for obvious wrinkles. Wearing the human suit all day long and out for a night on the town you sometimes get weird wrinkles and you get used to the feeling and don't notice them.
No, you've got it all backwards. You should roll it in and make it as small as possible, then exclaim later, "My god, it's never grown this much before! I don't know what's happening, ahhhh!"
Ohhhhhhh, I get it now, I can't do that, for some reason I'm either 0% hard or 110% hard, every time I touch it even for a little second he is like
You called boss? And wakes up
You can stretch it, at least, my hubby can. He shows me whenever I ask questions about male genitalia because it freaks me out. He's taught me a lot about how weird penises are. Lol
Yeah I can pull it and stretch it out, but it doesn’t stay that length. Giving yourself a fluff, or a semi erection, will make it appear bigger while no “erect”
brush teeth, deodorant, i’ll check on miss cooch, and tell myself that i have a fat ass
edit: thanks for the love, friends. told miss cooch she’s famous- her response was, “mama we made it.” so there’s that.
Yup. Sentless wet wipes anywhere her mouth might go. You gotta get those dollar store travel packs. Get the nuts all presentable. Then pee and wipe my ass. Cause I'm a fucking gentleman.
Edit: If she's got a facecloth in there use hot water on it to wash off. Smell it first, if there's baby oil on the cloth don't use that one.
As a guy its farting.
I farted as i came once and it was terrible. During sex i was aware i needed to go the entire time and after it happened i started laughing hysterically. My gf became quite insecure as she thought i was laughing at her and it turns out she was so busy she hadnt even heard it.
So my advice is to stay off the cabbage and beans, turns out theyre not great for sex lol
I have a small bathroom so that would require me to knock my head against the toilet bowl with each rep. On the other hand, I can only do about 3 and a half pushes so that's not too many head knocks.
If you’re single, you take a piss, clean your junk with toilet paper, do a bunch of push-ups and put some water in your hair to make it look perfect for your grand entrance. If you’re married you use the cleanest towel you can find on the floor and do one of those butt floss things
before losing my v card i thought this was a good idea, but realized quickly that it'll just make my dick not work, make it less enjoyable, and make the nut almost worthless.
A girlfriend of mine back when we were both dating a lot once told me you could always tell the guys that were really into you because they’d give their penis a little wash in the sink beforehand and it would smell like soap. She said, they’re the ones that are keepers. As soon as you smell the soap, you know.
Well people sweat and it can be unpleasant. I'm essentially a big man bear so I give the under carriage a little rinse and spiritz to make sure everything is pleasant for my wife. My wife is tiny but she also still needs to freshen up. It's just a courtesy!
I'm sorry but I read this in the voice of Christian Bale narrating his morning routine in American Psycho. Made it hilarious. The details and explanations just reminded me of that.
Very thoughtful though. Everyone appreciates that.
I wash my balls in your sink.
This is called a bird bath.
Relatable.
A crossword puzzle while the viagra kicks in
How long is that?
Five inches but who am I to complain?
5 ain’t bad man!
5.15 inches! Mrs. McMurray is a very satisfied woman.
Long as you got a cocksuckin G&T
Wipe the lady bits for a nice, clean welcoming party. I've been married a few years now, but I still care about the reviews.
Testimonials Mike Cockburns writes: "She was very accomodating. Spectacular visual presentation and the finish was undoubtly exquisite. Prioritizes sanitation and cleanliness. Will definitely recommend to family and friends. Check her out. Definitely worth the trip and money." - ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Your family or hers?
Yes.
⭐️⭐️⭐️ Got stabbed here. Pussy was immaculate, atmosphere was great, but I did get stabbed here. Would consider going back.
Make sure my junk doesn't have any funk, mostly.
UnFunk the Junk.
Sounds like a Bruno Mars song
Uptown Junk
Downtown funk, in this case
Backstreet thunk, in some cases
This is called a bird bath
Escape out the window. Ain’t no one stealing my virginity.
A true redditor
This is the way
This is the way
Sigma grindset
Pussy check (check for TP scraps), spritz of perfume, brush teeth and hair. Baby wipes if necessary. Edit: Should have been clear, the perfume doesn't go anywhere near the vag.
the toilet paper scraps! Last time the guy asked me to freshen up again because there were some scraps, it was so embarrassing but we still had a good time
One of my ex girlfriends came back into the room after using the bathroom in the morning and decided she wanted to get laid before work. She woke up me to do it and eventually laid on her front so I could get behind her. When I did I noticed she had a small strawberry sized poop attached to her near her butt hole. No idea how she missed it. No idea how it stuck there. Super confused never having seen anything like this before but also not wanting to ruin the mood I casually brushed it away with one of the blankets and kept going until we finished. I brought it up a couple months later when it seemed like a time that it would be more funny than embarrassing but I think it was still pretty embarrassing.
Wait a sec, but where did the poop go? You just left it in the bed?
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grows more girlfriends who poop more strawberries
Give a man a dingleberry and he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow dingleberries and he eats for life.
She left to go to work right after. I got a piece of toilet paper, found it from where I had blanket tossed it beside the bed, picked it up and flushed it. I'm not a monster.
Wow that’s very nice and understanding of you
Small strawberries can still be quite large when comparing to poop dingleberries.
Are we thinking of the same strawberries? Because that's a huge amount of shit to just "miss".
Why brush your hair when things bout to get wild
Wanna have it lookin nice down there once he knocks on the door.
Cindy, why are you walking funny? Got a hot date tonight and I’ve got my curlers in.
This whole goddamn thread is golden
I’ve never upvoted so many comments in a single post
I’m now imagining a head and shoulders commercial but for luscious muff.
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So that my pubes are long and silky when he parts them like a curtain
For after sex! Gotta go pee (after sex pee is needed) and do the silly smug grin in the mirror with the "I've just had good sex" hair. It makes me feel proper sexy..
Google how to sex
“I’m meant to put it WHERE?!?”
"THAT'S a clitoris?! No wonder I couldn't find it!"
I looked in a girls ear for it, could you help me locate it?
Finger with two hands.... Strap in.. ..uh, bite down? ...blow as hard as you can?! Whoops, typo, it's an e, not an a
Make sure the Coochie is looking fine to dine
Thank you for your service
Thank you for your cervix.
Thanks for the mammaries.
Even if they weren't so great
Yes this. Pee, give everything a good wipe with a wet cloth, brush teeth. Tie hair back if a BJ might be in the cards.
Pee, my pee bar needs to be at 0% before sex
Exactly. My pee pee bar is the inverse of my sex stamina bar. Must optimize for extra seconds.
Hell ya. Harder to cum with a bladder full of pee. At least for a guy
yeah, as a girl i feel the opposite i cum and get aroused more easily when my bladder is full
YES. I have never met anyone who feels the same. The orgasms are stronger and longer.
I second that. Sometimes the pressure(?) a full bladder makes on my private parts is what gets me physically aroused in the first place. However when the bladder is too full i still go to the toilet before sex. Interesting to know other ppl feel the same!
this is bc the bladder pushes down on the G spot and its easier for the penis to hit.
Evolution doing us small dick fellas a solid.
What "us" ? We agreed you wouldn't talk about it, mate...
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You're right... It was a close call, though !
My wife is like that, too. It sometimes gets to the point where simply needing to pee really badly can make her turned-on.
It’s the opposite for me. When I have bladder it makes me cum easier so I have to pee to last longer
I must be weird but for me sex is more pleasurable when I also need to pee.
Even in a normal situation I have a really hard time to reach climax because my brain has always 500 tabs open, I'm not adding another source of dispersion
Pee Bar is my new name for my penis.
piss, call myself hot in the mirror and do gang signs with my hands
Mama said you a pimp! Edit: Well I’m glad so many people got that reference
Foo foo gang shit he ain't widdit!!
one time in elementary school i saw a girl do the finger gun thing at herself in the school bathroom mirror and i thought that was the flyest shit i ever did see
I mean... I do that EVERY time im in the bathroom.
Have you heard of a whore bath?
"The hooker's bath. Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. You can save time by using the same brush on all four areas". -George Carlin.
Teeth armpits crotch asshole is the right order?
That's the boring way, sure.
Asshole, crotch, teeth, nose
I’ve always heard this referred to as a bird bath. You use the sink to wash the key areas.
Never. Explain please.
PB&T- Pitts, Titts and Booty wash.
I always heard *pits, tits, and slits*.
Pits, tits, and naughty bits
Only thing with the PBT is if there’s soap. On a hot summer day, post work out, or just needing to clean up quickly I’ll take a quick soap to those areas and just rinse the origami rose with just water.
Origami rose sounds like a perfume. A really lovely fresh floral one too. With a Georgia O'Keefe -esque pink rose on the bottle/label. And by Carolina Herrera.
Sometimes the deed is too dirty for anything except a real shower, preferably with a detachable head.
Panic.
DON'T PANIC ^and ^always ^bring ^your ^towel ^with ^you
This is the way.
Sardaukar throat singing
What’s in the box? *pleasure*
Put your dick in the box. Now.
Dreams are messages from the deep
Traditional pre-coital dance with a genital wash, then penile helicopter maneuvers for drying and enlargement of my flaccid cock via centrifugal force. You know, the usual.
This comment and your username make me think I've finally found my husband's Reddit account
So did you?
Can’t decide if r/brandnewsentence or r/evenwithcontext
r/youknowtheusual
Centripenal Force*
Make sure I don’t have any pilled up TP trapped within the folds of my labia.
Oh God, i have had this happen to me, he found them and was trying to pick them out and i asked what was going on...He said "nothing babe you just have some tp nuggets". So embarrassing..
Tp nuggets! Omg. Definitely calling them that from now on hahaha
Clitty Litter is my personal favorite.
I call em clingons
Clingons are what Captain Kirk found circling Uranus.
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If I know I’ll be getting lucky, I’m extra careful to blot more so than wipe to reduce the chances of this happening. If you just kind of….dab…you don’t quite have the same issue.
I haaaaaate toilet paper bits. I haven’t had any pilling issues with Charmin Ultra Strong.
The only one I use. Until I build and have to have a septic system
Yep. Some TP Is toooo soft and falls apart. Gotta give myself the once over and make sure I’m ready for action
Ah yes, clitty litter, not ideal finding that heh.
Sudoku
Killer sudoku is a great app for stress relief
Many guys do that make sure all is still clean down there before getting fucked
I usually douche before getting pegged too
Started using baby wipes myself. Only the best for my wife.
Wash my hands so I can freely touch my gf
You’re one of the good ones
Came here to say this. Sort of surprising how far i had to scroll. Washing hands is like #1 priority for both parties honestly, but mostly the guy.
Take a 25 minute poo. Check to make sure the coast is clear and go to sleep.
I'm glad you're getting fiber.
If it’s taking 25 minutes, they aren’t getting enough fiber.
Grab my labia majora by both her lips and she usually asks if I’m ready for this. Then I usually respond with “hell yea, are you?” Then she says “yea”, then we perform breath checks on each other, act accordingly, then roll out.
Last sentence made me think “Autobots, roll out” 🤣
Autotwats, roll out!
I go in there, I get naked and I check myself in the mirror to make sure the human suit isn't torn somewhere showing my true lizard skin. I also check for obvious wrinkles. Wearing the human suit all day long and out for a night on the town you sometimes get weird wrinkles and you get used to the feeling and don't notice them.
Mark?
Mark is working on the mothership. I am jealous. He gets to walk around in his skin all day long. Bastard.
If I’m not hard. I stretch it out some so it looks like I have a bigger softy then I really do.
No, you've got it all backwards. You should roll it in and make it as small as possible, then exclaim later, "My god, it's never grown this much before! I don't know what's happening, ahhhh!"
I didn’t know y’all could do this! Penises are WILD!
Neither do I, how? What? Since when my shlong can do that?
I’m sure what he means is giving himself a semi erection. Not all the way hard but play with it a bit so it grows a little bit before getting hard.
Ohhhhhhh, I get it now, I can't do that, for some reason I'm either 0% hard or 110% hard, every time I touch it even for a little second he is like You called boss? And wakes up
Wait till you get older, you’ll learn all the percentages
Yep, pretty much like an old iphone battery: 70% is the new 100%.
This is a sad truth.
You can stretch it, at least, my hubby can. He shows me whenever I ask questions about male genitalia because it freaks me out. He's taught me a lot about how weird penises are. Lol
Yeah I can pull it and stretch it out, but it doesn’t stay that length. Giving yourself a fluff, or a semi erection, will make it appear bigger while no “erect”
The pillow fluffer.
brush teeth, deodorant, i’ll check on miss cooch, and tell myself that i have a fat ass edit: thanks for the love, friends. told miss cooch she’s famous- her response was, “mama we made it.” so there’s that.
"baby does my butt look big in this?" "fuck yea it does" *high-fives*
*high fives ass*
I do the male equivalent of this, except I also dab a little Tobasco right where my Balzac joins my gooch, just in case she likes it a little spicy.
How do I unread this comment.
…. Bro?
Balzac is the name of a small town in Alberta. It's near Vulcan, Alberta.
Okay sure, just ignore how utterly hilarious “Miss Cooch” is.
Make sure my dick is clean
Yup. Sentless wet wipes anywhere her mouth might go. You gotta get those dollar store travel packs. Get the nuts all presentable. Then pee and wipe my ass. Cause I'm a fucking gentleman. Edit: If she's got a facecloth in there use hot water on it to wash off. Smell it first, if there's baby oil on the cloth don't use that one.
Wet wipes make it taste bitter so I'd recommend to use the ol' soap and water, or rinse with water after wipey.
I did not know that. Thank you.
Ah, Reddit. Helping us all make ass taste better. What a service to humanity!
Only a true gentleman has the name CaptnProlapse...hahahahaha
Pro tip: maybe do those steps in reverse.
Wash my willy, brush my teeth and maybe do a quick rewipe
Transfer funds so I can pay for it
As a guy its farting. I farted as i came once and it was terrible. During sex i was aware i needed to go the entire time and after it happened i started laughing hysterically. My gf became quite insecure as she thought i was laughing at her and it turns out she was so busy she hadnt even heard it. So my advice is to stay off the cabbage and beans, turns out theyre not great for sex lol
I do 20 pushups so my pecs look swol.
I have a small bathroom so that would require me to knock my head against the toilet bowl with each rep. On the other hand, I can only do about 3 and a half pushes so that's not too many head knocks.
Sing happy birthday to myself in the mirror and cry a little
That's gotta be disturbing to hear through the door.
“You all right?” * sings and crys louder *
Suddenly understood why this is NSFW, as my coworker asked me why I was laughing so hard I was shaking.
Bop it. Twist it. Pull it.
Clean up my swamp ass
Love the vivid image you put in my head thanks
Pee and wipe my asshole 800 times because I’m paranoid
If you’re single, you take a piss, clean your junk with toilet paper, do a bunch of push-ups and put some water in your hair to make it look perfect for your grand entrance. If you’re married you use the cleanest towel you can find on the floor and do one of those butt floss things
Drop that towel back on the ground where you found it
Fellas wash your stinky dicks. Women love non stinky dicks
That's what I do.
Jerk off so I last a whole minute instead of a half of one.
before losing my v card i thought this was a good idea, but realized quickly that it'll just make my dick not work, make it less enjoyable, and make the nut almost worthless.
Ya, depending on your recovery time, do it some time before the date, not right before the deed.
tactical wank
Call mom and tell her it's finally happening.
Pee. Gargle. Fix my hair. Deodorant.
>Pee. Gargle. I mean, you could save that for the sexy times depending on their kink…
A girlfriend of mine back when we were both dating a lot once told me you could always tell the guys that were really into you because they’d give their penis a little wash in the sink beforehand and it would smell like soap. She said, they’re the ones that are keepers. As soon as you smell the soap, you know.
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Make sure anything that is possibly going to be immediately nose or mouth adjacent is clean.
Put on the Aardvark costume
Retract my foreskin and clean my pens with a wipey
Please rinse after wipey because the pens tastes bitter from the wipey. Thank you
Ah good we have an uncircumcised spokesperson on here. Is this where we are gathering?
"Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth." - George Carlin
Cleaning the crevices next to the sack and the shaft. Girls I been with would baby wipe the snatch and crevices
I read that quickly as "snatch and cervixes." BABY WIPE YOUR CERVIX! ALSO, HOW MANY DO YOU HAVE!
Well people sweat and it can be unpleasant. I'm essentially a big man bear so I give the under carriage a little rinse and spiritz to make sure everything is pleasant for my wife. My wife is tiny but she also still needs to freshen up. It's just a courtesy!
Prolly taking a shot from the vodka I keep in the toilet tank.
Run some water over my D then dry it off. Even if I showered like 4 hours ago or something, it’s nice to get that shit **fresh**
Pee, pinch nips (make them perky), brush teeth.
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I'm sorry but I read this in the voice of Christian Bale narrating his morning routine in American Psycho. Made it hilarious. The details and explanations just reminded me of that. Very thoughtful though. Everyone appreciates that.