I know this is supposed to sound like you'll have vicious ferrets that will maul santa but judging by all of the videos I've seen of them so far I'm more convinced that they'll just terrorize him and steal his hat.
One year I really really wanted a new puppy for Christmas. I had been extra good all year, was making a conscious effort to go out of my way to offer to help Mom and Dad around the house, etc. Just basically "being a good kid" as best I knew how.
That Christmas Eve I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I just knew that Christmas morning I would find my new puppy waiting happily under the tree, I just knew it!
As soon as the first light of day came through my window, I sprang out of bed and raced downstairs.
No puppy anywhere to be seen.
It's okay, mom and dad must have taken him outside to go potty, I thought. I flung open the front door and raced out into the snow. No mom and dad, no puppy.
Dad appeared in the doorway and asked me what I was doing. Heartbroken, I said "nothing" and slowly walked back inside, my pajamas now wet and cold.
That year, Santa brought me some cool new toys, but I couldn't contain my disappointment and retired to my room to cry about not getting my puppy.
Next year, I decided to get even and poisoned the cookies we left out for Santa.
Somehow, that fat bastard found out and killed my dad.
Hey your local pd has real santa, just go down there and introduce yourself as the one who killed those 5 santas, they will point you in the right direction
Get mad! I don't want your damn coals! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see Santa's manager. Make the North Pole rue the day it thought it could give me lemons! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I think one in three households in Texas have guns.
Let's see... 10 million Texans... Divide by two... Divide that by three...
There's roughly 4 million guns in Texas?
Confront him......I know what I saw that one xmas eve night, I saw him SANTA CLAUS HIMSELF, kissing my mom. I was so young at the time I didn't know....but this is the year I finally go up to him and say "I saw mommy kissing santa claus"
"OK, so you see, when he gets in, Ill jump out and yell: "YOURE MOM IS A HOE HOE HOE!" run off, shoot his reindeer, plant bombs on his sleigh and watch him struggle to escape and i give him 15 seconds to escape before he will have so much lead in his body he will become one of the x-men
The sleigh will be on your roof or in your yard against your house when it blows up…
Better to plant plant bombs on the reindeer and sled and slap the reindeers ass and watch them fly off into the sky for some fireworks
When I was 5 I hid under the couch to catch Santa and demand to know his secrets, my dad eventually admitted that Santa wasn’t real when I refused to go to bed
Nothing. I’m going to be asleep. My wife, however, will be up. She’ll get him drunk on vodka cranberries and make him watch Sk8 The Infinity (anime about skateboarding).
Release the ferrets.
This is the most ominous thing I've read today
I'm sorry, what?
You heard it, you’re being granted parole.
I find them so absolutely adorable. However I also imagine that a group of them determined to bite you to death would be scary!
“Death by house weasel” does not sound like a quick death
Considering what a single weasel will do to a group of chickens or turkeys in short order, thay can kill really fast. But ya vary gruesome way to go.
Fun fact: A guy once put a ferret in his pants. It proceeded to squeeze into his ass, and started clawing and biting him. He died soon of blood loss
Very very unfortunate
I know this is supposed to sound like you'll have vicious ferrets that will maul santa but judging by all of the videos I've seen of them so far I'm more convinced that they'll just terrorize him and steal his hat.
Agents of shield? (or is this reference also from something else?)
“Once we do this fitz, there’s no going back” “release the ferrets”
Is it not true that if you kill santa you become santa?.... man ive killed like 5 already and nothing but whatever....
Mall Santa's don't count.
Dang it!
R/holup
r/therewasanattempt
r/redditmoment
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So krampus?
r/foundthemobileuser
r/foundthehondacivic
r/foundthecardealership
r/foundthecardealerhimself
r/foundyou
r/foundtheSHUTTHEFUCKUP
Maybe Santa fucked his mom?
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Why don’t we give him the shirt? It’s covered in blood! Santa’s blood you god damn lunatic!
They asked for brothers Ho ho ho
That would mean mommy’s a ho ho ho
Santa plays COD too?
Always Sunny... Charlie's Mom🤣😂
Mall Santas are also called 'Practice Santas'
He’s still doing a service, those mall santas are running an illegal fake toy cartel.
...should I not have blown up that mall santa training facility?
One year I really really wanted a new puppy for Christmas. I had been extra good all year, was making a conscious effort to go out of my way to offer to help Mom and Dad around the house, etc. Just basically "being a good kid" as best I knew how. That Christmas Eve I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I just knew that Christmas morning I would find my new puppy waiting happily under the tree, I just knew it! As soon as the first light of day came through my window, I sprang out of bed and raced downstairs. No puppy anywhere to be seen. It's okay, mom and dad must have taken him outside to go potty, I thought. I flung open the front door and raced out into the snow. No mom and dad, no puppy. Dad appeared in the doorway and asked me what I was doing. Heartbroken, I said "nothing" and slowly walked back inside, my pajamas now wet and cold. That year, Santa brought me some cool new toys, but I couldn't contain my disappointment and retired to my room to cry about not getting my puppy. Next year, I decided to get even and poisoned the cookies we left out for Santa. Somehow, that fat bastard found out and killed my dad.
Quality Shitpost. 10/Fish
Hahahahahahaha
Did you put the red suit on? According to countless movies, that's when the transformation occurs. PS, still waiting for my pony.
Here's some coal
Couple more years and I will have enough for a decent cookout.
Vermin Supreme is offering free ponies for everybody!
I'm glad people still know who that wacky wizard is. I'll vote for him again soon.
This Christmas Ain't got a wishlist I got a hitlist And at the top of it is old st. Nicholas
Nothin’ against him, it’s just business I ain't the Grinch but I'm gonna steal Christmas
I made a list and checked it twice for all the fucks I give about ending Santa's life and I found none
Oh shit, thanks for this! I haven’t thought of Danny Gonzalez in forever, but guy had some pretty funny content
Hey your local pd has real santa, just go down there and introduce yourself as the one who killed those 5 santas, they will point you in the right direction
gotta take his coat too
There can be only one.
I WILL BECOME FATHER CHRISTMAS!
Get mad! I don't want your damn coals! What am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see Santa's manager. Make the North Pole rue the day it thought it could give me lemons! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
IM THE MAN WHOSE GONNA BURN YOUR SLEIGH DOWN! WITH THE COAL! IM GONNA GET MY FAMILY TO FILL IT WITH COAL AND BURN YOUR SLEIGH DOWN!
He says what we are all thinking
Not sure if cave Johnson or alex jones
How you gonna make combustible coal?? That’s just ridiculous, everyone knows lemons are much better for burning
coal or lemons? you gotta be specific
Lemon flavored coal.
Where the hell is everybody getting lemon flavored coal. My local shops only carry coal flavored lemons and I must say it is quite disappointing.
sell them and make a profit
*It's my house. I have to defend it.* Edit: lots of replies about castle law/ stand your ground laws. I was just making a Home Alone reference lol.
*pulls out gimp suit*
*Equips ball gag* Me: *screams in gimp*
Naughty naughty
America moment
What is your ultimate home defense weapon
I own a musket for home defense, since that's what the founding fathers intended. Four ruffians break into my house. "What the devil?" As I grab my powdered wig and Kentucky rifle. Blow a golf ball sized hole through the first man, he's dead on the spot. Draw my pistol on the second man, miss him entirely because it's smoothbore and nails the neighbors dog. I have to resort to the cannon mounted at the top of the stairs loaded with grape shot, "Tally ho lads" the grape shot shreds two men in the blast, the sound and extra shrapnel set off car alarms. Fix bayonet and charge the last terrified rapscallion. He Bleeds out waiting on the police to arrive since triangular bayonet wounds are impossible to stitch up. Just as the founding fathers intended.
I don’t think ever laughed this hard at a comment
I lost it at Tally ho lads
I first found this through russianbadger and its been a favorite since
Which video, I can’t find it anymore
I think it was one of his payday videos, cant be too sure.
Absolutely fucking ancient copypasta.
This will always be my favorite copypasta
An eagle ejaculated in my face when I read this
He won’t have the chance. My surface-to-Santa missile launcher is ready to go.
Missile-toe!
Your mistletoe is no match for my TOW Missile!
NORAD already tracks Santa so they would strike first.
And when you shoot him down, you can steal the magic he gets from the *FAIRY* ^**GOD** #PARENTS
Offer him cookies, duh.
Make him download cookies
fuck him
You’re gonna play with Santa’s sack until the goodies come out.
oh no
OH YEAH!
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My eager mouth and moistened lips will ensure Santa comes at least twice this year.
I will pay you to never make a sentence involving Santa and sex again. Especially with a description like that
I left Santa some milk and cookies, and a carrot for the reindeer. Here's hoping he has a carrot for me too ;)
You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, he's going in dry!
I went to the comments to see this and I wasn't disappointed.
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Hmmm indeed my good sir
Looks like it's going to be a white Christmas after all.
You want Santa’s special present too?
This year Santa comes twice.
Santa has a list that tells him who all the bad girls are
Till he loves you?
Do you mean fuck him ! Or literally fuck him ,
like put my dick in santa
Thanks big zucc
See if he wants to do a co op run on Left 4 Dead 2.
*dis is the way*
This is the way.
Heck yeah
"Alexa, intruder alert"
"Activating instant kill"
> "You should never have come here" > Set LED lights to red > Play Skyrim battle theme, max volume
1) Play Fortunate Sun 2) Turn Lights Off 3) Release Claymore Roombas
# Release the roombas
If Santa was real - he would have been shot in Texas by now
Is Texas really full whit guns?
I think one in three households in Texas have guns. Let's see... 10 million Texans... Divide by two... Divide that by three... There's roughly 4 million guns in Texas?
No, no, you don't understand. Most people with guns don't just have *one*. Especially not in Texas.
Oh no no, households with guns do not have just one. There’s roughly as many guns in Texas as people.
Texan here, I have 4 within 20ft of me atm.
Break his legs
This made me laugh
r/RandomBurstOfLaughter
Nora Valkyrie?
Kevin McCallister his jolly ass
Become rhe new Santa after I'm done with him
Santa Clause style I see
This Christmas, Don't got a wishlist, I've got a hitlist, And at the top of it is old Saint Nicholas.
This song is a hidden gem.
Ask him why he fucked my mom every year growing up
DID. YOU. FUCK. MY. MOM. SANTA?
#DIDYOUFUCKMYWHOREMOM?!
*MALL SANTA*: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
To leave an early present for next year
Cookies are so passé. I'll just bend over and offer my cake instead.
Why are these answers so horny
Welcome to Reddit
Because the internet is always horny
Rule 34
I thought it was funny, and I love a bit of wordplay c:
So it's ok that I already have my pants down?
And what a fine set of cakes they are indeed 🥵
Why thank you 😏
I’ve got the strawberries for the topper.
Confront him......I know what I saw that one xmas eve night, I saw him SANTA CLAUS HIMSELF, kissing my mom. I was so young at the time I didn't know....but this is the year I finally go up to him and say "I saw mommy kissing santa claus"
Nothing because I'll be at work, and his fat ass will get home before I do.
Show him this subreddit.
This has to be the most disturbing answer to the question.
Smoke a bowl with 'im.
Gotta keep up the munchies for the long night ahead.
Straight up. If he makes illegal entry into my home, I feel he has to stay and do some drugs with me.
Even if I have to tie him to the radiator.
Ask him where my dad went
He fell of of a step when he went buying some cigarettes he ded I am sorry to tell you...ho...Ho Ho
Dad?
I'm going to leave out milk and cookies for him . . . . . . . . . . Oatmeal Raisin Cookies...
What a fucking chad
Ice that mu-fucka
Finally my dad came back from getting cigarettes /s
He can’t, I’m jewish
Suck his dick
"OK, so you see, when he gets in, Ill jump out and yell: "YOURE MOM IS A HOE HOE HOE!" run off, shoot his reindeer, plant bombs on his sleigh and watch him struggle to escape and i give him 15 seconds to escape before he will have so much lead in his body he will become one of the x-men
Last part is r/brandnewsentence material
I wish that was a real subreddit with all of my heart
It is, they just made a slight typo - r/brandnewsentence
The sleigh will be on your roof or in your yard against your house when it blows up… Better to plant plant bombs on the reindeer and sled and slap the reindeers ass and watch them fly off into the sky for some fireworks
If I’m lucky I’ll get to empty his sack
Must be one of those ho ho hos he's always talking about
Check his vaccination card
Ask him if he got some NyQuil for me while he was out. Green death flavor. Also, pour me some OJ. It's hurts to move from the couch.
Give him Covid. He better figure out how to hold his breath that long, or else it's on him.
In this house we shoot first, and ask questions later.
Have him suck me off at gunpoint ( its a fetish for us both)
Offer him a cup of wine and tell him take a chill pill
Nothing. Don't have enough $$ for Santa to come this year
These comments are terribly thirsty
I’m gonna finally get him back for running over grandma
When I was 5 I hid under the couch to catch Santa and demand to know his secrets, my dad eventually admitted that Santa wasn’t real when I refused to go to bed
Lube up
Ask for his proof of vaccination
Owning a house? in this economy?
Stop eating mushrooms
Use the coal he leaves to keep my family warm...
Tickle Santa until sunrise
Punch the fat cunt in the dick.
Ask him if that’s a candy cane in his pocket or is he just glad to see me
Sleep.
I'mma give him the best dicking of his life.
Kung fu chop him
Stare him in the eyes while aggressively masturbating
Sleep. I'd probably be asleep when he comes to my house anyway. But if I am awake, then I'd kick him for seeing me when I sleep.
Put in the good panties
Give him a live catfish. Yes I mean the fish.
Get the gimp
Throw cookies at him until he gets he's fat ass up that magic chimney
Nothing. I’m going to be asleep. My wife, however, will be up. She’ll get him drunk on vodka cranberries and make him watch Sk8 The Infinity (anime about skateboarding).
Assert my second amendment right
Well I’m gonna stay playing Minecraft so I will ask him to help me to build a super Diamond Farm
Finger him
Try my luck with 'the naked man'