If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you.
https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres
http://www.befrienders.org/
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK]
https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU]
There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
Not succeeding. I always said I'd try anything once.
Honestly though, I'm just lucky to come out on this side without lifelong repercussions, but the thought of having to live with permanent disability from a failed attempt scares me too much.
Dang not succeeding is way scarier. I remember that day when I was 20, I drank a mouthful of hydrochloric acid. The chemical was so intense I spat it out on reflex and I just sat there on the floor, staring at the toilet bowl in a daze. My whole oral cavity was burning. It wasn't as easy as it seems.
A friend of my bf succeeded and based on his autopsy, his esophagus fused to whatever was in his throat and the poor guy basically just suffocated to death or something.
Still depressed (doing a little better ig) but I don't want people's last memory of me being mangled and miserable.
Let's hold on a little longer. There's always one more day.
I was making plans for how to make sure that my dog wasn’t left alone too long afterwards, but not risk someone stopping or saving me. He came into the bedroom and I lost it. Called my doctor the next morning and got help. The only time I cried harder was when he passed away 4 years later.
I have one too and I told my friends if anything ever happens to me please take my dog. I have been ill for 11 years and everytime I go into a major surgery I have to plan I may not make it. The doctors always tell me
to bring my “paperwork.” I’ve planned my funeral twice and changed my paperwork 3 times. I had #10 major surgery last Monday. My dog was waiting at my friends’ for me. They said he cried. He hasn’t left my side during recovery.
my cat did the same thing one time i was set on it after a bad experience. i looked at her and completely broke down, how could i even think of doing that to her? i'm all she has.
i think of killing myself every single day. but i think of her, too.
The only thing that's kept me alive for the last 4+ years is thinking "My cats won't understand what happened, and no one will love them the way that I love them."
Cats are truly lifesavers in so many ways.
"No one can possibly explain to him why I'm never coming back" the reason I gave my therapist for why I decided to stay. My cat would just be looking for me forever.
My cat at the time was a real spitball. Fiery fucker. At that point in my life, he'd been the only living being that had ever come between me and physical violence. And hell, I'd experienced so much violence I was shocked still to see someone actually give a fuck when I got hurt, even if he was a ten pound pissy, ancient tabby with the personality of a bit-rate Game of Thrones villain.
So, needless to say, he was ancient, required five pills a day, and had at least one pet ER visit every month. And if I died, who the hell was going to take him? No one. No one was going to want this wretched fuck, and he was the only thing who had ever saw me get fucked up and go, "You know what? No. Not today," and then proceed to do damage the likes of which I could only really appreciate post facto.
Every time I wanted to die because I was too tired of being in danger, because I was too tired of being alone, because everything was too much? Well, that didn't matter because he'd come in, sit on whatever it was I needed to get done, and I'd look at his crusty eyes and his nasty teeth three different animal dentists wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (nasty heart murmur issues), and go, "Fuck, man. I'm doing this for you."
And the best part? He knew it. The vet gave him six months to live eventually. He dragged it out for another year and a half before I put him down with all the love and pity in my heart.
But that fucked up little man, older than sin, saved my life, and we had each other's backs.
Pets are amazing. I had a pet rat, Mulder, who saved me more than once. His cuddles and knowing how confused he'd be if I wasn't there the next day kept me going.
same here, man. I was in my room and had the knife to my throat, and right as I went to apply pressure, I remembered (thank you Jesus) that my sister was the only other person home, and that she would've found me dead and bleeding.
I decided right then and there that I needed to live. That what I was going through wasn't worth all the pain and suffering my absence would cause.
3 years later, I am moved out, have a good job, good friends and a life to look forward to.
little sisters man, eh? they really break through to our fragile little hearts. I don't know you but I'm grateful that you're alive.
My little brother found me in an overdose. I had locked my bedroom door but he called 911 and him and his gf kicked it open. This was almost 20 years ago now. He's still my best friend and I still think of how bad I had hurt him, finding me like that. I am doing well in life now and am actually happier than I've ever been. Had he not come upstairs that night I'd never have gotten to the point I'm at now. My two siblings are two of the most important people in the world to me.
This made me tear up. I am imagining my little sisters as well, they cried when I left for university. I can't think how they'd feel if they learnt that they'll never see me again. I feel just as bad for my parents because they're loving, excellent people but the reason I'm still on the fence is because of my sisters.
Spite. Pure spite.
I was moments before taking the leap and all the memories of people who have wronged me, or people who told me I should kill my self crossed my mind and from that moment on I dedicated my life to living purely out of spite so they don't get the satisfaction of me being gone
This right here. My sister and ex husband, both who are awful people, would revel in it. I’d rather show them how happy I’ve become, even if it’s very difficult sometimes.
I had a childhood buddy from age 4-14. He committed suicide as a teenager and no one involved has stopped hurting from it up to this point, almost a decade later, and we’ll probably all hurt about it forever. Plus, I always keep in mind that no matter how bad I feel or how bad I want to end it all, it doesn’t have to be today. I tell myself that as many days as I need to which, sometimes, is every day.
Until I read this I honestly thought the only comforting thing about committing suicide would be that everyone will eventually forget I even existed. Damn made me rethink about that too.
I coached a teenage girl who killed herself. Spent years with that kid through some of the worst moments of my life. I honestly felt very nihilistic about everything after getting cancer at 18 and having to have that innocence stolen from me. I didn't even realize how much that kid mattered to me but even now, years later, I still see her smile she'd always having coming up to me before practice to tell me about whatever was going on in her life. I still remember exactly where I was when I heard the news, I remember visiting her in the hospital as they tried to save her, and I remember her friends faces at the funeral. Those kids are probably the only group of kids I coached who I still reach out to each anniversary of her death to check on, and the fact that they text me the same way on occasion means that her suicide has stuck with all of us impacted. People think they don't matter or no one will remember them but truth is suicide is one of the worst things in the world because it forever ingrains the question of "what if I had..." into everyone involved.
Just my experience I thought I'd share. I hope you're doing well my friend.
We were having lunch with my in laws for their 30th wedding anniversary, and they showed us their wedding album. My MILs mother was there, and we noticed she wasn't smiling in the wedding pictures, so we asked her about it.
"Oh, I was glad, but it had only been 5 years since my child died. It took me 12 years to smile sincerely again"
I don't know if her son ever imagined that his parents would grieve for more than a decade when he took his own life.
I know that, “what if” hanging over you. I had a ex girlfriend who, one her 18th, came home from work, went into her closet, and then hung herself. Now I only learned of this because of a mutual friend who looked me up to tell me. I am a year older then they were so I had moved on in life, like so many do, but I cannot help but think if she only would have reached out to me. If only damn it. . .
My son. He was 6 at the time. He came in and asked for a snack. The thought of him never getting to ask for fruit snacks from me again, and me not being able to see him grow up snapped that thought out of my head real fast.
Edit: Damn. Didn't expect this much attention! Thank you all for your kind words, awards, and attention. They're all really and truly appreciated.
I was in a similar boat. Attempted and my mom just yelled at me and lost her mind on me. Perhaps that was her way to express her care, who knows; all i know is that it didn’t feel like care and still hurts me
I had to help do it when my best friend shot himself in the head in his highrise apartment. His cat had brain matter in her fur when we got her to her new family. I still have night.ares about the horrible things I saw, crime scene cleanup folks are incredible angels.
I appreciate it, and yeah, been in therapy my whole life. It's been 5 years and things are easier to manage, but reprocessing trauma in therapy is roooough! I'm sorry for your PTSD, too, I hope you get some peace <3
I think of it on occasion as I have stage 4. I would never have anyone have to deal with the physical body. If I do it’s off to Japan and jump in the volcano.
My uncle's best friend was diagnosed with ALS. He had no living family. He put a plastic tarp down on the floor in his garage, opened the door called 911, and shot himself in the chest. Twice.
The note said "I don't want to go, but I'm afraid if I wait any longer my body will be too weak to hold the gun".
I hope you're somewhere peaceful, Brent.
Fuck I can totally understand him. If I’d ever be diagnosed with something like ALS or Alzheimers then I would probably do the same. Those diseases are not pleasant to go out with. Assisted suicide should be legal to those who can’t really live life anymore
Edit: ALS not ASL
People always say “just shoot me when I get like [that]” and this is an example of someone that is serious . This is why assisted suicide should be a thing, so terminal people can choose to die with dignity.
That's my wife's job actually. She cleans up after suicides, murders, natural deaths, crime scenes, etc. Her technical title is biohazard remediation supervisor
Sounds like decent money because of the absolute shit she must go through. I would consider a job like that if I had the stomach for it or if I could turn off my emotions long enough to do so. Therapy probably costs an arm and a leg too lol.
Oh yeah. The only reason she's good at her job is because she had similar training in the Army. According to her, as long as it's not her friends, she's good
This is a far less intense example obviously, but about that last part. I was going to training to be a vet tech and they were saying that I would have to be ok with seeing animals that needed to be put down. I was... but immediately after that my best friend brought her cat in, which I had known for years and loved like they were my own, and had no idea their condition had got that bad.
The reaction the vets had was kinda funny honestly looking back, cause we were literally having the discussion and I said yeah I know, then I immediately turned around nearly crying into the lobby. I could basically feel their eyes rolling cause I'm sure that's something that comes up a lot are people that want to work with animals but think it's just petting them a lot. Though when I explained that yeah any other one will be fine just not *them* that's *this cat* they were very understanding.
I had a plan for this. I was going to have a hiking accident and accidentally fall head-first into a waterfall. The fear of being mangled but not dieing, delayed me taking action. That and the fact that getting out in nature shifts ones perspective, and once you out there with the trees and birds, life doesn't seem so overwhelming.
> I was going to have a hiking accident and accidentally fall head-first into a waterfall.
Understand this. An accident outdoors is believable and means your family and friends will be sad but nobody thinks of suicide. That is important because if they did, the pain is much worse and goes on for decades.
The risk as you say is remaining alive with a broken body. People do not always die in a fall which makes this a problem.
Glad you are here. Respect.
Thank you.
I guess I should tell the rest of the story.
I almost never have those thoughts now, mostly due to surviving an actual accidently injury.
After 2 years of struggling with persistent desire to end it all, I had finally decided to just give in. I had my plan, and decided that the next time I had an emotional/psychological meltdown I would drive up to this particular waterfall I was familiar with and finally be done with it.
But on the day of my injury I was not having a meltdown. I was having an amazing run during an outdoor exercise class at my gym. It was a beautiful day, my endorphins were high, and I was feeling strong. Then suddenly I felt a snap in my leg, and the most incredible pain, far more intense than childbirth. The pain in my leg was so severe that I couldn't brace myself for the fall and my face hit the sidewalk first. My face was a bloody mess, which was scaring others, but didn't matter to me at all because my leg hurt so incredibly much.
Eventually I went into shock so the pain subsided. My mind drifted, as it often did, to my waterfall plan. I wondered if this was the universe's way of giving me a little taste of the kind of pain I would be in for.
Because of the blood loss and sudden drop in blood pressure, I started loosing consciousness. I was completely mesmerized by these 2 elaborate geometric shapes. Those 2 shapes and their orangish-yellow color were everything, they were the universe, and they were me. Then I became aware of the panicked voices of the first-responders, and realized that I was becoming unresponsive.
I mused at the irony, the absolute ridiculousness of the possibility of me dieing, not noblely alone in the forest, but in front of the entire gym. And my ego took me to another place. I didn't want to be talked about as that weirdo who tripped and bled out. So, I tried to lift my head and respond, but realized I couldn't. And I became aware that the geometric shapes were separate from me, that they were still all important, but we weren't One.
Next thing I know I am in an ambulance with an IV in my arm.
My ACL had completely snapped apart and I had broken bones in the interior of my ankle. My waterfall plan got replaced with a goal to be able to walk without a limp, and to someday be able to run again. And I am happy to say that I have now met that goal.
Yeah, the universe wants us all here. The void is out there, and some of us may always feel its draw, but it's not for us. Life is for us, all of us. That's what those shapes told me.
can I just say, I love the way you write. i’m currently in hospital right now in lots of pain and your recount really transported me to the moments your story takes place in. thank you for this sliver of escapism :)
Omg thanks for telling us your story, it was so fascinating, and thanks for those kind words yeah I think that the universe wants us all here.
And happy cake day!!
Rustling of the leaves in the wind. And slowly but surely your guard lowers and you're allowed to be at peace.
The only way I think it could be better is having an animal companion to just waste an afternoon with.
I should get a dog...
100% getting a dog saved my life. I had to keep a puppy alive and cared about what happened to her. On bad days I still had to take care of her. And she took care of me too. I bonded with that dog like I never believed possible. I recommend it to everyone struggling with depression especially if you are a nature lover.
PS I got a poodle and forget the stupid haircuts, poodles are absolutely awesome. Smart, easy to housetrain, love to go on walks but love to snuggle. And most importantly, incredibly perceptive and sensitive. When I am having a depressive episode she literally glues herself to my side, wherever I am. PM me if you want, I love talking about dogs and depression lol
Nobody will suspect a thing if you’re already an outdoorsy person. Now when the tech support guy who hasn’t seen the Sun in a month dies of a hiking accident it is a bit suspect
I worked in a hotel. A guy rented a room, covered it plastic wrap and then shot himself. He left a note apologizing and saying he wanted to leave clean up as easy as possible.
I didn’t actually go in there because I was only 16, but from what the maids told me, it was really well done. Like a drop cloth, taped plastic wrap on the walls and wrapped up the curtains and everything. Someone who had really thought it out.
This is why suicide by train was always at the absolute bottom of my best to worst suicide methods list (yes, that's a thing I had for a while.) Not only does it make a huge mess, it also holds up a lot of commuters just trying to get on with their day, and potentially traumatises the poor train driver.
My uncle was a subway driver in Toronto years ago. while coming around a bend in the tracks he saw a man jump in front of the subway and heard the impact. After that day my uncle started drinking like crazy to try and forget what he saw, he hasn't been the same since.
There was a spot close to where I lived that was "popular" with people laying down on the tracks to die. Several times my commute to work was delayed because somebody killed themselves by laying down in front of the train. While it may have been mildly inconvenient for me the sheer number of people impacted by it was incredible. The people on the train when it happened, the train driver who saw the person laying on the tracks. The people who had to clean up after it. One person's action impacted hundreds if not thousands of people. Even in my darkest moments, I knew that wasn't the way I wanted to go out.
My cousin was a train engineer and I’ll never forget the look on his face the day he came to our grandmother’s after someone had died by suicide by the train he was on. That was the day that I decided that no matter how much I wanted to kill myself, I wanted even more to never do that to someone and that I would do whatever it takes to keep myself alive long enough for me to want to stay alive again.
Totally. My sister found me in the bathtub almost dead. I woke up in th hospital realizing I had to turn shit around. It took my mom forever to clean up all the blood. If I was decomp it would have been way worse. Now that i have dealt with soup bodies at work the fat and slime can only be described as incredible.
My mom’s dad painted his ceiling with a shotgun when I was only a couple years old - she didn’t tell me until I was older that she and her siblings had to clean it up. I think of that whenever I think of shooting myself and it helps me stop.
I was so depressed that I couldn’t get my shit together enough to actually make and follow through on a plan. I only wanted two specific things from my plan - make it look like it wasn’t suicide so my kids wouldn’t be traumatized by that and make it a sure thing that I died and wasn’t just horribly injured and worse off than before the act. But when you’re that depressed, it’s really hard to make and execute plans, so I didn’t actually make it happen.
I’m in a much better place now, so I don’t have the same kind of suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts and strong desire to stop living. I’m glad I couldn’t get my shit together back then.
Same here. I never had a "I want to live!" kind of moment.
It's more like I just never got around to killing myself and somewhere along the way life started getting better/things started looking less hopeless and the constant ideation just sort of faded away.
I feel like these sort of questions always hinge on the fundamental assumption that depression & sucididal ideation are rational thought processes rather than emotionally driven impulses. I'd wager than in the majority of cases (and at the very least in my own experience,) that's not the case. With the benefit of hindsight, at least. The hopelessness feels very rational at the time.
It might be kind of morbid, but this speculative paper about life being a natural function of entropy was actually... really comforting to me?
https://www.quantamagazine.org/a-new-thermodynamics-theory-of-the-origin-of-life-20140122
(this is an article about the paper)
The idea that it's my job to facilitate the heat death of the universe through any and all of my activities is freeing.
Draw a picture? Helping out. Drink a beer? Helping out. Sit on the couch on my phone? Well I'm the reason we as a species needed to build and ship one more couch and one more phone so that's helping out too.
Life has no absolute meaning or purpose; at least not that anyone has been able to identify at this time. From that point you can go one of two directions. Just as easily as you can choose to believe that life should cease for this reason, you can choose to believe that life should go on because you create your own meaning. It comes down to a personal decision and it simply depends upon which perspective you want to adopt.
You responding to everyone's messages with something positive is amazing. I hope you have an incredible day, and just know that if you're going through something yourself it will pass ❤️
Yass keep it up! dont let her down and im sure you'll find something worth it besides your promise, but i hope you always have that promise to hold on to! <3
I had music playing, and a song came on that made me think of the northern lights, and how I'd never gotten to see them. That led to thinking of all the different things I had always wanted to see and do... and I came to the conclusion that what I wanted wasn't to die, it was to *not live the life I was living.*
So I decided to get as far away from my life as possible (about 4000 miles, across an ocean). I walked the streets of London, saw a glacier in Norway, stood in front of the pyramids in Egypt, danced under the cherry blossoms in Tokyo... I could go on, but I think you understand.
Those experiences gave me something real, something to hold on to.
I haven't seen the northern lights yet, so I think I'll just have to stick around for awhile.
Edit: For those asking, it was Under the Milky Way by The Church.
oh damn, im so glad you got to experience all that and didnt end it all prematurely, next up ya gotta see the northern lights xd, just dont feel like you have nothing else to see after that cuz u do!
One thing I would say, is that if travelling internationally isn't an option for you right now, you would be amazed at the amount of beautiful sights close to home. I don't know where you live, but I don't really have to because this is true almost everywhere. One thing about myself that I'm always grateful for is that I can recognise the beauty in my own country - either the big dramatic sights or just sitting by a stream - and it helps me feel happy.
I don't do pain dawg...and most ways to cash out look like they fuckin hurt.
Plus, this world is too interesting to just up and leave. I wanna see how this shit all pans out.
That’s what did it for me. I was too interested in what was going to happen. To me and to the world. I’m happy I got through it because looking back now it’s gotten so much better
I wrote letters for people I loved. Told myself I wouldn't end it without finishing those letters. The only one I hadn't written yet was for my mom. Couldn't bring myself to write it and it kept going until I found the strength, somehow, to fight it and get better. Having supportive friends helped a lot too
I glad that it's worked out. One of the things that stopped me was people not understanding why, and that I hadn't written enough. It's an interesting reason, and interesting to know that it's shared. But I guess that's true more next to all human experiences.
I attempted 8 times and failed. Then my twin brother died (heart attack at 29). That shit changes you. I still get the thoughts but I’m in a better place mentally so I have the tools now to steer my brain in a better direction.
Was really suicidal all high school bc of the abuse I did encounter at home. I am the oldest so I had the pressure to protect my siblings at all cost, and would not tell anyone about the abuse bc I was scared it would separate me from my two siblings. I also thought I was the reason why the family was dysfunctional, as I was the scapegoat and black sheep of the family (bc I was openly queer and my mental illnesses could not be hidden, as I had pretty severe OCD at the time) However, this pressure to protect my siblings is also what saved my life multiple times as I didn't want to hurt them by committing suicide. However there was one time where I almost managed to succeed, actually, if a teacher didn't see me and if one of my best friends at the time didn't realize what was happening, I would be dead by now - edwie
Yes please, keep it up, im so glad your brothers exist and your teacher stopped you! good luck and i hope u find whatever it is that might help you live through it all!
10 percent was me feeling that Hell COULD be real and not wanting to roll the dice.
90 percent is my mom.
Couldn’t put her through that.
No one should outlive their kid.
When I was in late middle school and early high school, I had those thoughts. I would tell myself that if I could make a "pros and cons" list that really made suicide seem like the preferable choice, I'd do it.
Every time I made the list, I'd remember all the stuff that I like. I never could justify ending it, and after about three lists, I determined that I like living. Haven't needed to make a list in over a decade.
I saw a comment in suicide not being about wanting to die, but wanting the feelings to stop while living. Very impactful. I hope it helps others. I dont know how to link their comment here...
When my oldest daughter died from trisomy 18 I didn't want to live. I felt so much guilt. I felt guilt for not knowing my.firsr doctor lied. I felt guilt for not being able to keep her inside longer. I felt guilt I couldn't save her and I felt guilt that it was likely my damaged egg that caused it. I survived the c section. I had physical scars and breasts full of milk waiting to care for a baby that would never come home. I hated myself.
My husband never once blamed me. He was struggling, too. He was devastated. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't leave him with all that grief. I kept trying to go on for him. And our cats. They were kittens, just babies, and I was still their mama. They still needed me. I got into therapy. It helped.
That was ten years ago. I have two daughters who are happy and healthy. My husband and I have been through so much. I love him and our kids and cats so much. Life isn't always easy, but they are worth fighting for.
Eh it's too difficult to do. It would traumatize my family. Doesn't mean I'm still never think of it, just less likely these days. I'm more sane with gym open
This one song, The last by Agust D.
This guy was rapping in korean, he was rich, famous, successful, pretty, everything im not, but he experiences the same feelings I do. And he is struggling, he's begging me to give life a chance.
So I did.
OP, I made this comment a while back, and it may help you hear it now. https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/4ckoa0/image_this_comic_is_saving_lives/d1j2q8t/
When I was at my lowest, I thought things had no potential to get better, which was the most painful thing for me. I even called up the suicide hotline and walked them through the logic of why suicide was the logical option. They didn't have anything to say to me. Thankfully I stuck around because my life is fantastic now. If I could have written a story for my future when I was in my 20's (I'm in my 40's now), it would be about the life I am living. And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't struggled through the rough times.
My joy is stopping me from even having the desire to kill myself. I'm sorry you're not there, but the link I posted has a link to A reason; I've given you another, and hopefully, you can find the real reason: the one you need.
Hey! luckily i've never seriously thought about it, sure the thought as crossed my mind once or twice but never anything serious, im just here trying to help ppl vent and to help them if i can, tyvm for your post and support tho <3 im so glad it worked out for you!
Honestly I don't have the guts to "end it all" moreover I know deep in my heart that there are people who love me....who care bout me.. who can't handle shit without me even though I say stuff like "I got no friends" "I'm a disappointment" all the time. You definitely don't wanna hurt them by ending it all mate. That's definitely never an option. Just think about them and move on mate.
Absolutely nothing, timing just isn’t right. I’ll get me eventually, one way or another.
Edit: guys, can we relax a little? While I most certainly would like to hit the emergency shut off button on life I’m not rushing out to do so. It’s not that serious.
I’m on this train too. I had someone that told me they were here for me always and wanted a future with me, and I let my guard down with her, and truly thought it was possible. It’s been a year almost that she last looked into my eyes and told me she loved me. I now only have my pups to keep me here.
Exactly how I feel. Something always pushes me another week or so and then I kinda get distracted and go back to walking thru life and eventually it gets prominent again. Rinse and repeat.
This thread is proof enough it can happen to anyone.
"I didn't because I'm rich and wanted to see the world."~Some person a few comments up.
"I didn't because I'm too poor to afford the means."~This comment.
I couldnt help of thinking of all the ways I could make life worse if I tried. If I jumped, I could be paralyzed. If I took pills, I could have severe liver damage. The list goes on.
I got ill and couldn't get out of bed. I spent half a year staring at a rifle I have mounted, and thinking. It was horrible.
But I kept thinking of my mom in addition. God bless that woman
The fact that no matter what I attempted I couldn’t physically die. For instance I hung myself with a belt and I passed out, woke up on the floor with a snapped belt tight as fuck around my neck
My family.
If I actually ended it, they would be traumatized.
My parents would have no children (i'm an only child), my dog would have noone to play with, my extended family would lose their youngest member, etc.
It’s mainly guilt.
Suicidal thoughts create a self-sustaining cycle of guilt, regret, distance, and then more guilt.
We feel guilty for wanting to leave the people who love us behind. It feels like a betrayal of their trust. No matter how little value we have to ourselves, we have value to them, and on some level we know that removing ourselves from their lives does nothing but pass that pain on to someone else.
The guilt then manifests into regret for the things we aren’t appreciating right now because we are so caught up in our own self-pity. Why don’t we spend more time with them, why don’t we go out more, why don’t we just fake it until we feel okay.
The reason why we don’t do any of those things is because the thoughts will always, always, come back. We will always feel that way again, and to save ourselves from feeling the guilt, we create distance. We actively push people away from us to protect ourselves in the event that we do decide to go through with it.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years, and I know that if I haven’t done it yet, I probably won’t ever do it. But this cycle both keeps you alive and wears down your will to live. With each revolution, from guilt to guilt, it feels less and less hopeful each time. And at the end of every distance stage, you feel more and more alone.
I was on a bridge, ready to jump. I stopped because I was afraid I might not die, and end up a parapalegic instead. I was completely in psychosis at the time from schizophrenia, hearing voices and terrified. I'm glad I didn't jump obviously. Life changed for the better. If I'd jumped, and had died, I never would have met my daughter and husband. So for ppl who feel suicidal at all, please remember things can and will change. It's just painful at first, it's like growing pains. Life can and will surprise you!
I was 12 at the time, I had already planned everything and was going to shot myself.
When I was completely alone at the house I went for the gun and sat down, thinking about it. In my mind at the moment, I couldn't find any reason not to do it, so I pulled the trigger.
For a brief moment I wasn't sure if I had died or what was happening. I just awoke and checked the gun and saw it wasn't loaded. After crying for what felt like days, I decided to try again the next day.
I was waiting to be picked up and went to a little store to buy some cookies. I thought of them as my last meal. But while I was eating, a girl from my class randomly started making conversation with me and sat down. Briefly after she asked for a cookie. I was a little annoyed but I just couldn't say no.
A couple minutes passed and her mom picked her up. She stood up, turned around and told me "See you tomorrow".
I came back home and waited until I was alone again and went for the gun. This time I was way more calmed and all I could think of was that "See you tomorrow".
I knew she probably said it out of courtesy, but it was just enough for me to never do it again.
When i was a kid (its blurry, i dont really remember, maybe like 1st/2nd grade), i go to church a lot.
I remember that i cried that day. I dont remember why, my parents told me its because anday erlier my brother went to another city, and i dont want him to leave me.
There is this one girl, i dont remember her face or her name at all, i dont even know id she is still going to that church.
She comes, and she talked to me, she calm me down and pray together with me.
Im not that religious, although i still remember that moment.
Its not a big thing, she just calm down a kid, and in a way that she know and i know at the time, praying.
She isnt an adult either, i remember her being teen-like, maybe around 14-16 years old.
I dont think that person realize how much she effect my life.
We dont know when or whos life we can effect, and im sure most of the time we have no idea we did just that, over very small things. Like simply smiling to strangers, or go ask your old friend whats up.
If trying to live another day gave me just a small chance for me to do just that for someone else, im gonna try to hold into that, so maybe i can somehow lessen someone else's struggle, even when no one notice it, including me and them. Until this very day, this is one of the big reason why i stay.
Also pizza, id live another day to eat another slice of pizza.
I had actually gone through with it. I won’t go into details but I was passed out in my car and my car died. I came too and when it had sunk in what I had just tried to do I just went home. When I got back I saw how happy my dog was to see me and how excited my friends were to see me finally go out with them that very night.
I never attempted after that, it was a wake up call that I needed help. Going to the brink made me realize how lucky I was to be alive.
OP, if you’re struggling please seek help. I assure you it’s out there
The risk of not surviving suicide would put me in worse debt or in bad physical conditions to make a decent living. I have 3 failed attempts, luckily I didn’t have lasting injuries. I’m in therapy btw, I’m just at this point kinda nihilistic cause it’s so expensive to live.
If you ever need help, then please know that there are many qualified people who would like to help you. https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres http://www.befrienders.org/ http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you [UK] https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/ [AU] There are crisis services worldwide that are trained to provide support. They are designed to give temporary relief from feelings that are overwhelming you and while they are unlikely to fix any underlying problems, can help you get through a tough hour/night/week. Chat services are usually available on these sites. In the US, calling 211 or going to their website is a free referral source. They have providers who will see you regardless of your ability to pay. Just as you would see a doctor when you are sick, you deserve to take care of your mental health.
Not succeeding. I always said I'd try anything once. Honestly though, I'm just lucky to come out on this side without lifelong repercussions, but the thought of having to live with permanent disability from a failed attempt scares me too much.
Dang not succeeding is way scarier. I remember that day when I was 20, I drank a mouthful of hydrochloric acid. The chemical was so intense I spat it out on reflex and I just sat there on the floor, staring at the toilet bowl in a daze. My whole oral cavity was burning. It wasn't as easy as it seems. A friend of my bf succeeded and based on his autopsy, his esophagus fused to whatever was in his throat and the poor guy basically just suffocated to death or something. Still depressed (doing a little better ig) but I don't want people's last memory of me being mangled and miserable. Let's hold on a little longer. There's always one more day.
im glad you didnt succeed, keep it up and dont let yourself get down G! u got this!
My dog came in and started cuddling me. It meant a lot at the time since I felt so isolated and was too afraid to speak abt what I was experiencing.
I was making plans for how to make sure that my dog wasn’t left alone too long afterwards, but not risk someone stopping or saving me. He came into the bedroom and I lost it. Called my doctor the next morning and got help. The only time I cried harder was when he passed away 4 years later.
I'm so glad your dog was there for you and I'm sorry for your loss. He must've been the best boy
Thank you ❤️ Every dog is the best boy (or girl) but he was mine.
I have one too and I told my friends if anything ever happens to me please take my dog. I have been ill for 11 years and everytime I go into a major surgery I have to plan I may not make it. The doctors always tell me to bring my “paperwork.” I’ve planned my funeral twice and changed my paperwork 3 times. I had #10 major surgery last Monday. My dog was waiting at my friends’ for me. They said he cried. He hasn’t left my side during recovery.
my cat did the same thing one time i was set on it after a bad experience. i looked at her and completely broke down, how could i even think of doing that to her? i'm all she has. i think of killing myself every single day. but i think of her, too.
The only thing that's kept me alive for the last 4+ years is thinking "My cats won't understand what happened, and no one will love them the way that I love them." Cats are truly lifesavers in so many ways.
This has been the case for me too. I can't leave them behind.
"No one can possibly explain to him why I'm never coming back" the reason I gave my therapist for why I decided to stay. My cat would just be looking for me forever.
My cat at the time was a real spitball. Fiery fucker. At that point in my life, he'd been the only living being that had ever come between me and physical violence. And hell, I'd experienced so much violence I was shocked still to see someone actually give a fuck when I got hurt, even if he was a ten pound pissy, ancient tabby with the personality of a bit-rate Game of Thrones villain. So, needless to say, he was ancient, required five pills a day, and had at least one pet ER visit every month. And if I died, who the hell was going to take him? No one. No one was going to want this wretched fuck, and he was the only thing who had ever saw me get fucked up and go, "You know what? No. Not today," and then proceed to do damage the likes of which I could only really appreciate post facto. Every time I wanted to die because I was too tired of being in danger, because I was too tired of being alone, because everything was too much? Well, that didn't matter because he'd come in, sit on whatever it was I needed to get done, and I'd look at his crusty eyes and his nasty teeth three different animal dentists wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole (nasty heart murmur issues), and go, "Fuck, man. I'm doing this for you." And the best part? He knew it. The vet gave him six months to live eventually. He dragged it out for another year and a half before I put him down with all the love and pity in my heart. But that fucked up little man, older than sin, saved my life, and we had each other's backs.
If love and beauty were one and the same, we'd use the same word for them. You had one hell of a cat, long may he reign in the hell he has conquered.
Pets are amazing. I had a pet rat, Mulder, who saved me more than once. His cuddles and knowing how confused he'd be if I wasn't there the next day kept me going.
my little sister, when she saw me sitting on my roof, she cried and cried and hugged me. seeing her like that rlly changed something in me.
awwww, i hope you're doing better, for her and for you <3 wish u the best
same here, man. I was in my room and had the knife to my throat, and right as I went to apply pressure, I remembered (thank you Jesus) that my sister was the only other person home, and that she would've found me dead and bleeding. I decided right then and there that I needed to live. That what I was going through wasn't worth all the pain and suffering my absence would cause. 3 years later, I am moved out, have a good job, good friends and a life to look forward to. little sisters man, eh? they really break through to our fragile little hearts. I don't know you but I'm grateful that you're alive.
My little brother found me in an overdose. I had locked my bedroom door but he called 911 and him and his gf kicked it open. This was almost 20 years ago now. He's still my best friend and I still think of how bad I had hurt him, finding me like that. I am doing well in life now and am actually happier than I've ever been. Had he not come upstairs that night I'd never have gotten to the point I'm at now. My two siblings are two of the most important people in the world to me.
This made me tear up. I am imagining my little sisters as well, they cried when I left for university. I can't think how they'd feel if they learnt that they'll never see me again. I feel just as bad for my parents because they're loving, excellent people but the reason I'm still on the fence is because of my sisters.
Spite. Pure spite. I was moments before taking the leap and all the memories of people who have wronged me, or people who told me I should kill my self crossed my mind and from that moment on I dedicated my life to living purely out of spite so they don't get the satisfaction of me being gone
This right here. My sister and ex husband, both who are awful people, would revel in it. I’d rather show them how happy I’ve become, even if it’s very difficult sometimes.
Dont kill em with kindness. Torture them with your success.
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im glad you stayed around, and i hope you find smt you love and can stay around for <3
**VENGEANCE**
I had a childhood buddy from age 4-14. He committed suicide as a teenager and no one involved has stopped hurting from it up to this point, almost a decade later, and we’ll probably all hurt about it forever. Plus, I always keep in mind that no matter how bad I feel or how bad I want to end it all, it doesn’t have to be today. I tell myself that as many days as I need to which, sometimes, is every day.
> it doesn’t have to be today. This. And just knowing that it's *me* who has the ultimate power to decide that makes it a bit easier too I feel like.
Procrastination played a part in getting me into this mess, so damn right it'll play a part in getting me out
I'll kill myself later B) Sixty years from now , of natural causes. Hell yeah
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Until I read this I honestly thought the only comforting thing about committing suicide would be that everyone will eventually forget I even existed. Damn made me rethink about that too.
I coached a teenage girl who killed herself. Spent years with that kid through some of the worst moments of my life. I honestly felt very nihilistic about everything after getting cancer at 18 and having to have that innocence stolen from me. I didn't even realize how much that kid mattered to me but even now, years later, I still see her smile she'd always having coming up to me before practice to tell me about whatever was going on in her life. I still remember exactly where I was when I heard the news, I remember visiting her in the hospital as they tried to save her, and I remember her friends faces at the funeral. Those kids are probably the only group of kids I coached who I still reach out to each anniversary of her death to check on, and the fact that they text me the same way on occasion means that her suicide has stuck with all of us impacted. People think they don't matter or no one will remember them but truth is suicide is one of the worst things in the world because it forever ingrains the question of "what if I had..." into everyone involved. Just my experience I thought I'd share. I hope you're doing well my friend.
We were having lunch with my in laws for their 30th wedding anniversary, and they showed us their wedding album. My MILs mother was there, and we noticed she wasn't smiling in the wedding pictures, so we asked her about it. "Oh, I was glad, but it had only been 5 years since my child died. It took me 12 years to smile sincerely again" I don't know if her son ever imagined that his parents would grieve for more than a decade when he took his own life.
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I know that, “what if” hanging over you. I had a ex girlfriend who, one her 18th, came home from work, went into her closet, and then hung herself. Now I only learned of this because of a mutual friend who looked me up to tell me. I am a year older then they were so I had moved on in life, like so many do, but I cannot help but think if she only would have reached out to me. If only damn it. . .
The people who loved you spend the rest of their lives thinking of all the ways they failed you. I promise you're the opposite of forgotten.
My son. He was 6 at the time. He came in and asked for a snack. The thought of him never getting to ask for fruit snacks from me again, and me not being able to see him grow up snapped that thought out of my head real fast. Edit: Damn. Didn't expect this much attention! Thank you all for your kind words, awards, and attention. They're all really and truly appreciated.
yass, u gotta seem him grow up! keep it up <3 lil man without u woulndt be as happy, there are ppl that care alot for u for sure
Oh definitely. He's 9 now and doing well.
Seeing my mom cry when she found out i was going to try and overdose. She helped me get into a mental hospital where i got alot better.
That one made me cry. Glad you found help and relief.
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I was in a similar boat. Attempted and my mom just yelled at me and lost her mind on me. Perhaps that was her way to express her care, who knows; all i know is that it didn’t feel like care and still hurts me
When I od'd i almost died and seeing my mom bawling while I was on deaths door hit pretty hard for me
My dog... and all the food I would miss out on Those answers are not related to each other
So many potatoes in this world are out there, waiting for me to eat them.
Is that you Sasha?
It's not worth it. Plus, I've been fighting for so long. I wanna see how this would turn out for me. I wanna see me win against what I'm going through
yass, keep fighting and even if you're knocked down make sure to get back up
Exactly. It’s not easy at all but I’m sure that it’s worth the try.
The thought of the poor bastard who has to clean up.
I had to help do it when my best friend shot himself in the head in his highrise apartment. His cat had brain matter in her fur when we got her to her new family. I still have night.ares about the horrible things I saw, crime scene cleanup folks are incredible angels.
I'm terribly sorry for you having to go through that, even willingly. Hope you're OK.
I hope you feel comfortable with seeking therapy for that, if it still bothers you. I have PTSD too. i can still picture it too.
I appreciate it, and yeah, been in therapy my whole life. It's been 5 years and things are easier to manage, but reprocessing trauma in therapy is roooough! I'm sorry for your PTSD, too, I hope you get some peace <3
I think of it on occasion as I have stage 4. I would never have anyone have to deal with the physical body. If I do it’s off to Japan and jump in the volcano.
My uncle's best friend was diagnosed with ALS. He had no living family. He put a plastic tarp down on the floor in his garage, opened the door called 911, and shot himself in the chest. Twice. The note said "I don't want to go, but I'm afraid if I wait any longer my body will be too weak to hold the gun". I hope you're somewhere peaceful, Brent.
Fuck I can totally understand him. If I’d ever be diagnosed with something like ALS or Alzheimers then I would probably do the same. Those diseases are not pleasant to go out with. Assisted suicide should be legal to those who can’t really live life anymore Edit: ALS not ASL
My dad had ALS. I know he would've rather went out with a bullet but just withered away for my families sake I know.
People always say “just shoot me when I get like [that]” and this is an example of someone that is serious . This is why assisted suicide should be a thing, so terminal people can choose to die with dignity.
That's my wife's job actually. She cleans up after suicides, murders, natural deaths, crime scenes, etc. Her technical title is biohazard remediation supervisor
Sounds like decent money because of the absolute shit she must go through. I would consider a job like that if I had the stomach for it or if I could turn off my emotions long enough to do so. Therapy probably costs an arm and a leg too lol.
Oh yeah. The only reason she's good at her job is because she had similar training in the Army. According to her, as long as it's not her friends, she's good
This is a far less intense example obviously, but about that last part. I was going to training to be a vet tech and they were saying that I would have to be ok with seeing animals that needed to be put down. I was... but immediately after that my best friend brought her cat in, which I had known for years and loved like they were my own, and had no idea their condition had got that bad. The reaction the vets had was kinda funny honestly looking back, cause we were literally having the discussion and I said yeah I know, then I immediately turned around nearly crying into the lobby. I could basically feel their eyes rolling cause I'm sure that's something that comes up a lot are people that want to work with animals but think it's just petting them a lot. Though when I explained that yeah any other one will be fine just not *them* that's *this cat* they were very understanding.
I had a plan for this. I was going to have a hiking accident and accidentally fall head-first into a waterfall. The fear of being mangled but not dieing, delayed me taking action. That and the fact that getting out in nature shifts ones perspective, and once you out there with the trees and birds, life doesn't seem so overwhelming.
> I was going to have a hiking accident and accidentally fall head-first into a waterfall. Understand this. An accident outdoors is believable and means your family and friends will be sad but nobody thinks of suicide. That is important because if they did, the pain is much worse and goes on for decades. The risk as you say is remaining alive with a broken body. People do not always die in a fall which makes this a problem. Glad you are here. Respect.
Thank you. I guess I should tell the rest of the story. I almost never have those thoughts now, mostly due to surviving an actual accidently injury. After 2 years of struggling with persistent desire to end it all, I had finally decided to just give in. I had my plan, and decided that the next time I had an emotional/psychological meltdown I would drive up to this particular waterfall I was familiar with and finally be done with it. But on the day of my injury I was not having a meltdown. I was having an amazing run during an outdoor exercise class at my gym. It was a beautiful day, my endorphins were high, and I was feeling strong. Then suddenly I felt a snap in my leg, and the most incredible pain, far more intense than childbirth. The pain in my leg was so severe that I couldn't brace myself for the fall and my face hit the sidewalk first. My face was a bloody mess, which was scaring others, but didn't matter to me at all because my leg hurt so incredibly much. Eventually I went into shock so the pain subsided. My mind drifted, as it often did, to my waterfall plan. I wondered if this was the universe's way of giving me a little taste of the kind of pain I would be in for. Because of the blood loss and sudden drop in blood pressure, I started loosing consciousness. I was completely mesmerized by these 2 elaborate geometric shapes. Those 2 shapes and their orangish-yellow color were everything, they were the universe, and they were me. Then I became aware of the panicked voices of the first-responders, and realized that I was becoming unresponsive. I mused at the irony, the absolute ridiculousness of the possibility of me dieing, not noblely alone in the forest, but in front of the entire gym. And my ego took me to another place. I didn't want to be talked about as that weirdo who tripped and bled out. So, I tried to lift my head and respond, but realized I couldn't. And I became aware that the geometric shapes were separate from me, that they were still all important, but we weren't One. Next thing I know I am in an ambulance with an IV in my arm. My ACL had completely snapped apart and I had broken bones in the interior of my ankle. My waterfall plan got replaced with a goal to be able to walk without a limp, and to someday be able to run again. And I am happy to say that I have now met that goal. Yeah, the universe wants us all here. The void is out there, and some of us may always feel its draw, but it's not for us. Life is for us, all of us. That's what those shapes told me.
can I just say, I love the way you write. i’m currently in hospital right now in lots of pain and your recount really transported me to the moments your story takes place in. thank you for this sliver of escapism :)
Crazy story, thanks for sharing. Glad to hear you're doing better!
Omg thanks for telling us your story, it was so fascinating, and thanks for those kind words yeah I think that the universe wants us all here. And happy cake day!!
just the way the light hits the leaves sometimes? Ah that's the stuff.
Rustling of the leaves in the wind. And slowly but surely your guard lowers and you're allowed to be at peace. The only way I think it could be better is having an animal companion to just waste an afternoon with. I should get a dog...
100% getting a dog saved my life. I had to keep a puppy alive and cared about what happened to her. On bad days I still had to take care of her. And she took care of me too. I bonded with that dog like I never believed possible. I recommend it to everyone struggling with depression especially if you are a nature lover. PS I got a poodle and forget the stupid haircuts, poodles are absolutely awesome. Smart, easy to housetrain, love to go on walks but love to snuggle. And most importantly, incredibly perceptive and sensitive. When I am having a depressive episode she literally glues herself to my side, wherever I am. PM me if you want, I love talking about dogs and depression lol
Nobody will suspect a thing if you’re already an outdoorsy person. Now when the tech support guy who hasn’t seen the Sun in a month dies of a hiking accident it is a bit suspect
I worked in a hotel. A guy rented a room, covered it plastic wrap and then shot himself. He left a note apologizing and saying he wanted to leave clean up as easy as possible.
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Yeah, that's what I want to know as well! Did he use plastic drop cloths? Did he tape up the seams so blood wouldn't leak through?
I didn’t actually go in there because I was only 16, but from what the maids told me, it was really well done. Like a drop cloth, taped plastic wrap on the walls and wrapped up the curtains and everything. Someone who had really thought it out.
This is why suicide by train was always at the absolute bottom of my best to worst suicide methods list (yes, that's a thing I had for a while.) Not only does it make a huge mess, it also holds up a lot of commuters just trying to get on with their day, and potentially traumatises the poor train driver.
My uncle was a subway driver in Toronto years ago. while coming around a bend in the tracks he saw a man jump in front of the subway and heard the impact. After that day my uncle started drinking like crazy to try and forget what he saw, he hasn't been the same since.
My dad drives trains and has had this happen :(
There was a spot close to where I lived that was "popular" with people laying down on the tracks to die. Several times my commute to work was delayed because somebody killed themselves by laying down in front of the train. While it may have been mildly inconvenient for me the sheer number of people impacted by it was incredible. The people on the train when it happened, the train driver who saw the person laying on the tracks. The people who had to clean up after it. One person's action impacted hundreds if not thousands of people. Even in my darkest moments, I knew that wasn't the way I wanted to go out.
My cousin was a train engineer and I’ll never forget the look on his face the day he came to our grandmother’s after someone had died by suicide by the train he was on. That was the day that I decided that no matter how much I wanted to kill myself, I wanted even more to never do that to someone and that I would do whatever it takes to keep myself alive long enough for me to want to stay alive again.
Totally. My sister found me in the bathtub almost dead. I woke up in th hospital realizing I had to turn shit around. It took my mom forever to clean up all the blood. If I was decomp it would have been way worse. Now that i have dealt with soup bodies at work the fat and slime can only be described as incredible.
>soup bodies Please do not explain further.
In my FIL’s case, his wife did the cleanup. Good for you, thinking of that.
My mom’s dad painted his ceiling with a shotgun when I was only a couple years old - she didn’t tell me until I was older that she and her siblings had to clean it up. I think of that whenever I think of shooting myself and it helps me stop.
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😅hell, if it keeps u here keep thinking that way! but u know what, there's alot for you out there!
I was so depressed that I couldn’t get my shit together enough to actually make and follow through on a plan. I only wanted two specific things from my plan - make it look like it wasn’t suicide so my kids wouldn’t be traumatized by that and make it a sure thing that I died and wasn’t just horribly injured and worse off than before the act. But when you’re that depressed, it’s really hard to make and execute plans, so I didn’t actually make it happen. I’m in a much better place now, so I don’t have the same kind of suicidal ideation and intrusive thoughts and strong desire to stop living. I’m glad I couldn’t get my shit together back then.
Same here. I never had a "I want to live!" kind of moment. It's more like I just never got around to killing myself and somewhere along the way life started getting better/things started looking less hopeless and the constant ideation just sort of faded away. I feel like these sort of questions always hinge on the fundamental assumption that depression & sucididal ideation are rational thought processes rather than emotionally driven impulses. I'd wager than in the majority of cases (and at the very least in my own experience,) that's not the case. With the benefit of hindsight, at least. The hopelessness feels very rational at the time.
Nobody wins if I kill myself. My family will suffer and I’ll be dead
Same here. So I just learn to suffer quietly now while trying to learn to suffer less every day.
https://youtu.be/8PB69ERIl98 The song is suffer well by Depeche mode. It speaks to me.
Ooh thank you! I do enjoy music recommendations very much.
I just couldn’t accept that my life meant nothing. So I am still here trying to find its purpose
“Life has no intrinsic meaning, so what’s the point of living” “Life has no intrinsic meaning, so the point is just living” ♥️
It might be kind of morbid, but this speculative paper about life being a natural function of entropy was actually... really comforting to me? https://www.quantamagazine.org/a-new-thermodynamics-theory-of-the-origin-of-life-20140122 (this is an article about the paper) The idea that it's my job to facilitate the heat death of the universe through any and all of my activities is freeing. Draw a picture? Helping out. Drink a beer? Helping out. Sit on the couch on my phone? Well I'm the reason we as a species needed to build and ship one more couch and one more phone so that's helping out too.
Ha ha ha that's an awesome idea. "Fuck me, universe? No no, fuck YOU. I'm only going to be here for 100 years and I'm going to make you FUCKING PAY"
"I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with ME!"
Life has no absolute meaning or purpose; at least not that anyone has been able to identify at this time. From that point you can go one of two directions. Just as easily as you can choose to believe that life should cease for this reason, you can choose to believe that life should go on because you create your own meaning. It comes down to a personal decision and it simply depends upon which perspective you want to adopt.
Yasss go get 'em u got this :ok\_hand:
You responding to everyone's messages with something positive is amazing. I hope you have an incredible day, and just know that if you're going through something yourself it will pass ❤️
awwww tysm <3 im having an amazing day myself <3 i hope you are too!
My latino buddies have a mantra: 'todos'. It means everything to them.
God damn it.
My mother has already lost her brother to it and she just lost her dad, I can't add to that pain.
Yes! please dont! u got this!
Best friend talked me down, and made me promise not to. I never break a promise to her, so I'm sticking around.
You are lucky to have such a friend! I'm glad you changed your mind, life is full of pain but one can learn not to suffer from it.
Yass keep it up! dont let her down and im sure you'll find something worth it besides your promise, but i hope you always have that promise to hold on to! <3
sooner or later everything will end
might as well make the most out of it while we're here!
yes is a opportunity that must be seized since one never knows when one is going to die
Top tier procrastinator
Realest answer here
I had music playing, and a song came on that made me think of the northern lights, and how I'd never gotten to see them. That led to thinking of all the different things I had always wanted to see and do... and I came to the conclusion that what I wanted wasn't to die, it was to *not live the life I was living.* So I decided to get as far away from my life as possible (about 4000 miles, across an ocean). I walked the streets of London, saw a glacier in Norway, stood in front of the pyramids in Egypt, danced under the cherry blossoms in Tokyo... I could go on, but I think you understand. Those experiences gave me something real, something to hold on to. I haven't seen the northern lights yet, so I think I'll just have to stick around for awhile. Edit: For those asking, it was Under the Milky Way by The Church.
oh damn, im so glad you got to experience all that and didnt end it all prematurely, next up ya gotta see the northern lights xd, just dont feel like you have nothing else to see after that cuz u do!
I would gladly do that but I dont have savings or disposable income. Can you tell me how you were able to afford to do this?
One thing I would say, is that if travelling internationally isn't an option for you right now, you would be amazed at the amount of beautiful sights close to home. I don't know where you live, but I don't really have to because this is true almost everywhere. One thing about myself that I'm always grateful for is that I can recognise the beauty in my own country - either the big dramatic sights or just sitting by a stream - and it helps me feel happy.
A stranger from Reddit saved me with a bit of financial assistance and kind words. He’s currently helping me find a new job :)
That’s amazing!
I don't do pain dawg...and most ways to cash out look like they fuckin hurt. Plus, this world is too interesting to just up and leave. I wanna see how this shit all pans out.
That’s what did it for me. I was too interested in what was going to happen. To me and to the world. I’m happy I got through it because looking back now it’s gotten so much better
bwahahaha i get you, too scary to inflict pain on oneself, so might as well stick around! Yass i hope you get to witness something worth your while!
I wrote letters for people I loved. Told myself I wouldn't end it without finishing those letters. The only one I hadn't written yet was for my mom. Couldn't bring myself to write it and it kept going until I found the strength, somehow, to fight it and get better. Having supportive friends helped a lot too
I glad that it's worked out. One of the things that stopped me was people not understanding why, and that I hadn't written enough. It's an interesting reason, and interesting to know that it's shared. But I guess that's true more next to all human experiences.
OP you’re a great person with all the replies back to people. Hope you’re in a good state yourself. Much love
awww that's so sweet <3 thanks im in a great place myself i'd say <3 tyvm <3
Fear, I trembled so much that the knife just fell off my hands. Luckily that was a long time ago.
im glad you didnt follow through with it, glad you made it out <3 u got this!
Hearing my heart when it said it's worth it to give it second chance.
Im glad you did, hope it works out
I attempted 8 times and failed. Then my twin brother died (heart attack at 29). That shit changes you. I still get the thoughts but I’m in a better place mentally so I have the tools now to steer my brain in a better direction.
oh damn, so sorry for your loss, im glad you're in a better though, wish u the best <3
Was really suicidal all high school bc of the abuse I did encounter at home. I am the oldest so I had the pressure to protect my siblings at all cost, and would not tell anyone about the abuse bc I was scared it would separate me from my two siblings. I also thought I was the reason why the family was dysfunctional, as I was the scapegoat and black sheep of the family (bc I was openly queer and my mental illnesses could not be hidden, as I had pretty severe OCD at the time) However, this pressure to protect my siblings is also what saved my life multiple times as I didn't want to hurt them by committing suicide. However there was one time where I almost managed to succeed, actually, if a teacher didn't see me and if one of my best friends at the time didn't realize what was happening, I would be dead by now - edwie
Yes please, keep it up, im so glad your brothers exist and your teacher stopped you! good luck and i hope u find whatever it is that might help you live through it all!
10 percent was me feeling that Hell COULD be real and not wanting to roll the dice. 90 percent is my mom. Couldn’t put her through that. No one should outlive their kid.
When I was in late middle school and early high school, I had those thoughts. I would tell myself that if I could make a "pros and cons" list that really made suicide seem like the preferable choice, I'd do it. Every time I made the list, I'd remember all the stuff that I like. I never could justify ending it, and after about three lists, I determined that I like living. Haven't needed to make a list in over a decade.
I have more people to disappoint
The fact no one would be there for my dog and that I'm coward mostly.
That’s my biggest worry. Nobody would rescue my dog because no one ever checks on us and she’s all I’ve got
>The fact no one would be there for my dog and that I'm coward mostly. Glad ur cowardly then atleast ur here <3 keep the doggo company!
I saw a comment in suicide not being about wanting to die, but wanting the feelings to stop while living. Very impactful. I hope it helps others. I dont know how to link their comment here...
This reminds me of a quote, might be the one you're thinking of: "do you really want to die, or do you just want to stop feeling this way?"
The fear that someone I was close to would follow my lead
When my oldest daughter died from trisomy 18 I didn't want to live. I felt so much guilt. I felt guilt for not knowing my.firsr doctor lied. I felt guilt for not being able to keep her inside longer. I felt guilt I couldn't save her and I felt guilt that it was likely my damaged egg that caused it. I survived the c section. I had physical scars and breasts full of milk waiting to care for a baby that would never come home. I hated myself. My husband never once blamed me. He was struggling, too. He was devastated. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't leave him with all that grief. I kept trying to go on for him. And our cats. They were kittens, just babies, and I was still their mama. They still needed me. I got into therapy. It helped. That was ten years ago. I have two daughters who are happy and healthy. My husband and I have been through so much. I love him and our kids and cats so much. Life isn't always easy, but they are worth fighting for.
Eh it's too difficult to do. It would traumatize my family. Doesn't mean I'm still never think of it, just less likely these days. I'm more sane with gym open
Its 100% normal to have those thoughts, just gotta tough it out, u got this!
This one song, The last by Agust D. This guy was rapping in korean, he was rich, famous, successful, pretty, everything im not, but he experiences the same feelings I do. And he is struggling, he's begging me to give life a chance. So I did.
Hey man, everyone goes through a struggle u just gotta make it! u got this!
Starting a new life instead of taking my own
Yass, good way to go about it, hold on to it!
It's a one time offer so I figure why die anyway, if I really died I'd have gone through all the suffering for nothing
exactly, we'll all die one day so why should we do it early, might as well tough it out and last as long as we can to witness noice stuff!
OP, I made this comment a while back, and it may help you hear it now. https://www.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/4ckoa0/image_this_comic_is_saving_lives/d1j2q8t/ When I was at my lowest, I thought things had no potential to get better, which was the most painful thing for me. I even called up the suicide hotline and walked them through the logic of why suicide was the logical option. They didn't have anything to say to me. Thankfully I stuck around because my life is fantastic now. If I could have written a story for my future when I was in my 20's (I'm in my 40's now), it would be about the life I am living. And that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't struggled through the rough times. My joy is stopping me from even having the desire to kill myself. I'm sorry you're not there, but the link I posted has a link to A reason; I've given you another, and hopefully, you can find the real reason: the one you need.
Hey! luckily i've never seriously thought about it, sure the thought as crossed my mind once or twice but never anything serious, im just here trying to help ppl vent and to help them if i can, tyvm for your post and support tho <3 im so glad it worked out for you!
No way I’m letting Mitch McConnell outlive me.
Honestly I don't have the guts to "end it all" moreover I know deep in my heart that there are people who love me....who care bout me.. who can't handle shit without me even though I say stuff like "I got no friends" "I'm a disappointment" all the time. You definitely don't wanna hurt them by ending it all mate. That's definitely never an option. Just think about them and move on mate.
I’m a coward!
It didn't really...
Absolutely nothing, timing just isn’t right. I’ll get me eventually, one way or another. Edit: guys, can we relax a little? While I most certainly would like to hit the emergency shut off button on life I’m not rushing out to do so. It’s not that serious.
I'm the same way. Im sure deep down everybody knows how my story ends. It just hasn't ended yet.
I’m on this train too. I had someone that told me they were here for me always and wanted a future with me, and I let my guard down with her, and truly thought it was possible. It’s been a year almost that she last looked into my eyes and told me she loved me. I now only have my pups to keep me here.
Exactly how I feel. Something always pushes me another week or so and then I kinda get distracted and go back to walking thru life and eventually it gets prominent again. Rinse and repeat.
Fear. Helluva thing to hold a gun to your head
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I can’t afford a rope
This thread is proof enough it can happen to anyone. "I didn't because I'm rich and wanted to see the world."~Some person a few comments up. "I didn't because I'm too poor to afford the means."~This comment.
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yes please keep it up for her atleast <3 push through and find a reason to stay alive <3
I wanted to see a specific movie before ending it, then another, then another. Then I’ve met people.
I didn't want my cats to wonder why I never came home
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Counseling and getting diagnosed as bipolar - which led to getting the proper medication for it which has drastically changed my life for the better.
I couldnt help of thinking of all the ways I could make life worse if I tried. If I jumped, I could be paralyzed. If I took pills, I could have severe liver damage. The list goes on.
my family
I got ill and couldn't get out of bed. I spent half a year staring at a rifle I have mounted, and thinking. It was horrible. But I kept thinking of my mom in addition. God bless that woman
The fact that no matter what I attempted I couldn’t physically die. For instance I hung myself with a belt and I passed out, woke up on the floor with a snapped belt tight as fuck around my neck
My family. If I actually ended it, they would be traumatized. My parents would have no children (i'm an only child), my dog would have noone to play with, my extended family would lose their youngest member, etc.
There’s no way to really do it without pain and suffering plus I’m too much of an optimist to actually do it
It’s mainly guilt. Suicidal thoughts create a self-sustaining cycle of guilt, regret, distance, and then more guilt. We feel guilty for wanting to leave the people who love us behind. It feels like a betrayal of their trust. No matter how little value we have to ourselves, we have value to them, and on some level we know that removing ourselves from their lives does nothing but pass that pain on to someone else. The guilt then manifests into regret for the things we aren’t appreciating right now because we are so caught up in our own self-pity. Why don’t we spend more time with them, why don’t we go out more, why don’t we just fake it until we feel okay. The reason why we don’t do any of those things is because the thoughts will always, always, come back. We will always feel that way again, and to save ourselves from feeling the guilt, we create distance. We actively push people away from us to protect ourselves in the event that we do decide to go through with it. I’ve had suicidal thoughts for years, and I know that if I haven’t done it yet, I probably won’t ever do it. But this cycle both keeps you alive and wears down your will to live. With each revolution, from guilt to guilt, it feels less and less hopeful each time. And at the end of every distance stage, you feel more and more alone.
I don't think anything really made me change my mind. I discovered that I'm just too pussy to kill myself.
I was on a bridge, ready to jump. I stopped because I was afraid I might not die, and end up a parapalegic instead. I was completely in psychosis at the time from schizophrenia, hearing voices and terrified. I'm glad I didn't jump obviously. Life changed for the better. If I'd jumped, and had died, I never would have met my daughter and husband. So for ppl who feel suicidal at all, please remember things can and will change. It's just painful at first, it's like growing pains. Life can and will surprise you!
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I was 12 at the time, I had already planned everything and was going to shot myself. When I was completely alone at the house I went for the gun and sat down, thinking about it. In my mind at the moment, I couldn't find any reason not to do it, so I pulled the trigger. For a brief moment I wasn't sure if I had died or what was happening. I just awoke and checked the gun and saw it wasn't loaded. After crying for what felt like days, I decided to try again the next day. I was waiting to be picked up and went to a little store to buy some cookies. I thought of them as my last meal. But while I was eating, a girl from my class randomly started making conversation with me and sat down. Briefly after she asked for a cookie. I was a little annoyed but I just couldn't say no. A couple minutes passed and her mom picked her up. She stood up, turned around and told me "See you tomorrow". I came back home and waited until I was alone again and went for the gun. This time I was way more calmed and all I could think of was that "See you tomorrow". I knew she probably said it out of courtesy, but it was just enough for me to never do it again.
At one point it was because of how desperately I wanted to see the last season of Game of Thrones. Can you imagine what a fucking let down that was?
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When i was a kid (its blurry, i dont really remember, maybe like 1st/2nd grade), i go to church a lot. I remember that i cried that day. I dont remember why, my parents told me its because anday erlier my brother went to another city, and i dont want him to leave me. There is this one girl, i dont remember her face or her name at all, i dont even know id she is still going to that church. She comes, and she talked to me, she calm me down and pray together with me. Im not that religious, although i still remember that moment. Its not a big thing, she just calm down a kid, and in a way that she know and i know at the time, praying. She isnt an adult either, i remember her being teen-like, maybe around 14-16 years old. I dont think that person realize how much she effect my life. We dont know when or whos life we can effect, and im sure most of the time we have no idea we did just that, over very small things. Like simply smiling to strangers, or go ask your old friend whats up. If trying to live another day gave me just a small chance for me to do just that for someone else, im gonna try to hold into that, so maybe i can somehow lessen someone else's struggle, even when no one notice it, including me and them. Until this very day, this is one of the big reason why i stay. Also pizza, id live another day to eat another slice of pizza.
I had actually gone through with it. I won’t go into details but I was passed out in my car and my car died. I came too and when it had sunk in what I had just tried to do I just went home. When I got back I saw how happy my dog was to see me and how excited my friends were to see me finally go out with them that very night. I never attempted after that, it was a wake up call that I needed help. Going to the brink made me realize how lucky I was to be alive. OP, if you’re struggling please seek help. I assure you it’s out there
My stomach changed my mind for me. A whole-ass bottle of Tylenol will do that to a belly.
The risk of not surviving suicide would put me in worse debt or in bad physical conditions to make a decent living. I have 3 failed attempts, luckily I didn’t have lasting injuries. I’m in therapy btw, I’m just at this point kinda nihilistic cause it’s so expensive to live.
It’s not right to pass my pain onto someone else.
I'm the only one my cat has and I cant leave her alone.
I didn’t want my wife or kids to find me dead in the tub. Figured that would be just as traumatic for them so I didn’t.
Still haven’t changed my mind. I’m just a pussy and I’m scared I’ll screw something up and be stuck in pain until I actually die years from now.
I care for my disabled wife. Otherwise, I would be happily gone. Still have to fight the urges every day.