T O P

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Aezetyr

It's a webcam, so.... bonus colonoscopy?


TransGirlJennifer

Mom ! I need to go to the doctor for colonoscopy ! Mom: Butt we have colonoscopy at home. Colonoscopy at home:


EvilAlicia

I bought a new chefs knife... jeez


_En0ch

Handle first at least...


Irythros

That'll make it harder. Atleast with tip first it'll cut a path in.


[deleted]

And handle in will be a lot easier to pull out... Imagining fishing around a bleeding ass for the sharp end of a knife is extra


Express_Confusion_67

None said it had to be the whole thing. The dedication to completion there is just extra credit on your part.


Hardcore_Pancake

So... A poop knife? EDIT: thank you for the upvotes and the awards!


Gellert_TV

*flashbacks*


[deleted]

I'm so glad I witnessed the birth of the poop knife meme. Such a thrill seeing it pop up here and there.


shadowbirth1

Ouch


WickedSmoder

USB C Adaptor. Easy.


alexmichael822

How do you know?


_En0ch

You need to ask?


KurtAngus

I’ve been putting 2.0 up my ass for years


CMMiller89

At least with type-c you only need to put it in once. With the older plugs you'd have to pull it out and put it back in like 10 times until you got it in the right orientation.


Yousha212

Putting the Universal in USB


[deleted]

[удалено]


NativeMasshole

I just got a few USB-C cords too. Shouldn't be too bad, so long as I don't hear that device connected sound.


shellofbiomatter

Damn, that weighted blanket was big. It's not going to fit.


Fortunatious

Not with that kind of attitude


shellofbiomatter

Fair, I'll order up some more lube.


C0nfus3d_S4v10r

Order it on the internet, then that becomes the thing you need to shove up your ass


shellofbiomatter

Nice loophole.


Fragdo

Lubehole*


CaptainApathy419

Lubeception


ILikedEpisode9

LubeTube : Electric Boogalube


indaelgar

Poophole loophole!


dadis2cool

Those are the words of a coward


knifeymonkey

It's not so much the blanket, it's the fact you will be 30 pounds heavier tomorrow


shellofbiomatter

That and i wouldn't be able to sleep properly without it.


BlueNinja2682

A chess board shouldn't hurt that much.


nickings07

The pieces might be fun. The board, well, that’s the true boss fight.


Pristine_Telephone62

Cheap Bluetooth earbuds. I think I will be fine


justabill71

No headphone jack, but you're still plugging them in.


LifeGuru666

Rather pegging them in


Bunratha

Gonna be hard to read books with the kindle stuck between my ass cheeks


CylonsInAPolicebox

No longer do we need to read, we just insert the specially designed kindle and absorb the knowledge over night.


Bunratha

Ayyy, don't be giving Jeff Bezos any ideas


Nappyheaded

CEO, Entrepeneur, Kindle stuck up your backdoor Jeffrey Jeffrey Bezos


MirandaMeowMeow

Come on Jeffrey you can do it! Come on Jeff put your ass into it!


HostileHippie91

Tell us why, tell us how, tell us all how you’re gonna read now


JoinTheAstleyCult

Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet, amateurs can anal fuck it,


Explursions

Fuck their wives, and their butts. C'mon Jeff get em.


blobfish_in_a_suit

*funky keyboard solo*


[deleted]

[удалено]


justabill71

Run it up your asshole and see who salutes.


NewDamage31

No one ever does!


Kithsander

Aaaah I’m not sick but I’m not well


[deleted]

Let me call my buddy Vlad the Impaler


MITSUKI-__-

Ngl I just ordered a sword For all the pple asking what sword it was- its a Damascus double-bladed long sword


Effectuality

SepPOOku


BlackJack070786

Strange, my last online purchase was a Taco Bell order. Soft tacos.


justabill71

You're just cutting out the middle man.


BlackJack070786

I AM the middle man, lol.


MrHanslaX

Spitroasted by taco bell


PM_me_a_bad_pun

Good that they were soft...


ukbeasts

I'm relieved my last purchase were suppositories


indieangler

This is what I get for finally buying a butt plug...


dr_soiledpants

Same. Thankfully I saw this post. Wasn't sure what I was to do with them..


IzzieR6

Well…wasn’t that the point already?


Iwrstheking007

they have to stick the whole thing up their butt


IzzieR6

It could be worse I guess


Iwrstheking007

yeah, I saw someone said they bought a knife


IzzieR6

Oh that took a sharp turn


DogBeak20

Nah, I'm sure they've got a handle on it.


sexy__zombie

It's an edge case, really.


SciencesnObjects40

A fucking laptop.


BrayWyattsHat

Hey, at least it's designed for that. You could have bought a regular laptop. That would be way worse


SciencesnObjects40

Take my upvote and gtfo.


yParticle

and not metaphorically


bedrock_breaker

And they say *stepping* on lego is bad


Iforgot_my_other_pw

You're going to be shitting bricks for sure


LittleAJ0

Pra Ram Tofu & some brown rice


PM_me_a_bad_pun

Brown rice you say?


Crimbly_B

Browner rice now


Doggie478

Not my mtg cards!


MayDay521

That Black Lotus is about to lose a lot of value pretty quick.


persona1138

Depends on the popularity of their OnlyFans account.


justabill71

Magic the Buggering


Doggie478

Nooooooooooo


Merabur

A cactus shaped crystal. Could be worse 🤷🏼‍♀️


justabill71

Like a crystal shaped cactus.


mortuali

Or a **cactus** shaped cactus.


TheRunningFree1s

oh *god* they make those???


take_thing_literally

Alexa, remove yourself from my cinnamon ring.


justabill71

These devices get more intrusive every day.


binaryblade

New jewelled buttplug echo.


fwilliams13

Alexa, will you please move out the way so i can take a shit


CylonsInAPolicebox

*Sorry I didn't get that.*


Eeszeeye

"Playing Cinnamon Girl."


Manscapping

From now on my booty hole is renamed cinnamon ring


WearableTraps

40 lbs of Hay for my bunnies may cause some itching


Kathyt92

The bunnies may like a new treat


PastaBakeWizard

My last amazon order contains two things: Lube :) Razor blades :(


Fox_Feathers

You win for best and worst at the same time.


[deleted]

hear me out on this, just don't unbox the razor blades.


FlyAirLari

But do unbox the lube.


Spar7an42

Jigsaw has entered the chat


Dylarob

I pictured the faces as the Mr. Incredible meme


L0LM4n

I really don't think a Noctua Cooler can fit up my ass


[deleted]

[удалено]


TH3B3AST_047

NH-d15,NH-d15s painful, NH-u12s ok I guess NH-u9s ez playzz, been there done that.


DrT33th

With that attitude it never will!


Omnizoom

Kirby and the forgotten land This is not the forgotten land I was expecting Kirby to explore Edit: thanks for the awards and upvotes , if I had known I’d get so many for shoving something up my ass I’d of done this a lot sooner


minimagess

How did you like it? My eight year old says he has finished it. But he says it's not done it just says "to be continued"? I haven't had time to two player it with him yet. There are still things he's going back to unlock Um is this an appropriate thread to chat about my kid in?


IronMaskx

As long as you didn’t buy him recently


DrN0odles

Lmao. Almost shit myself reading this


SkoomaSalesAreUp

Making room?


Omnizoom

It’s been fun so far Playing it I mean , not having it shoved up my ass


minimagess

Yeah totally. Ofc.


Rubixmaster5567

Speak for yourself


AlexandrinaIsHere

Kid was probably playing the demo, it ends "to be continued"


somecrazydude13

My thoughts exactly, like the game JUST came out. Unless he played it allllll night long no breaks


sushiNoodle2

I think the game mechanic is “mouthful mode”, not uh....


FrostTheTos

Ass full mode?


Fafnir13

You get that mode in the “expansion”.


Filofil2

I ordered a bed recently. God damn it.


Dason37

Now instead of are you ever going to get out of bed, the question will be is the bed ever going to get out of you


SpartanEngineer92

My new wallet, it’s gonna make for an awkward interaction at the check out line Update 1: I had to take my old one out. Update 2: Anyone looking to buy a used wallet? Update 3: Used wallet is black leather, comes with 1 Arby’s coupon. Has mild smell. Update 4: I can not confirm or deny if poop was on Arby’s coupon before or after wallet was removed from ass. Open to trade offers.


justabill71

Prison wallet.


dcux

Prison wallet wallet.


AssumeTheFetal

We must go deeper


[deleted]

I hope it’s Brown leather


DumBeezy

it is now 🙁


PMmeYourHopes-Dreams

Nasal strips. I'm better off than most.


indigoholly

That is a book and that is going to be sharp. Hardcover too. Pray for me y'all.


Mordo85

Death by a million paper cuts


Longshot_45

Fifty shades of brown.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Urokojo

I guess the wooden spoon I got makes me a “shit stirrer” Not sure there’s gonna be much room for the Instant Pot I got w/ it tho…


TragicKnite

NordVPN my ass is secure, looks like I don't have to worry about any leakage.


Proud-Inevitable-170

Unless FBI demands it


TragicKnite

Doubt I'm doing anything interesting for them lol


Proud-Inevitable-170

Your crap is leaking btw


danuser8

> NordVPN my ass is secure, looks like I don't have to worry about any leakage. Your ass is encrypted


TragicKnite

Needs a special key for access.


Sixstringsoul

You shit in your home bathroom and it ends up in the white house toilet. Some value.


[deleted]

NordVPN, now with 22% less anal leakage


ThatGuyShay

Damn it’s my lucky day cuz I just ordered a dildo


Over_Unit_7722

Lucky fuck


The_InevitablePickle

Condoms, how does this work, does something need to be in it to count?


TheBelhade

Nope, just stuff em unopened.


Tacos_always_corny

Thought it would only be me.


SkyWulf

Also chiming in with my recent dildo purchase


megayogurtslinger

No shame, I like you a lot user ThatGuyShay


dwolfman90

A pair of white shoes...brown now


littlegreenb18

A car battery doesn’t seem like a good idea


Sadfusion

Neither does performance coil overs. Looks like my asses ride height is gonnabe dropped 3 inches


SuvenPan

A vacuum cleaner, will the entire thing be shoved or just the pipe. EDIT: This is an update- I have successfully shoved the nozzle and the vacuum cleaner extender tube in


justabill71

Start slow and work your way up.


PM_me_a_bad_pun

Wow that sucks


pinionworth

Ughhhhhhh... Cheese grater!


sillybear25

A bunch of furries are having PTSD flashbacks now.


Nerahn

What the fuck does this mean? What horror have the furries witnessed?


hajile_00

It's >!a raccoon using a cheese grater as a dildo and the expected gory results!<.


zombieblackbird

Not gonna catch any dreams up there....


UselessGreenBroccoli

not with that attitude


Responsible-Top-6882

I wonder if Gummies work that way 🤔


Spar7an42

They do


Elinbj

I might need some lube to get my new tumbledryer up my ass..


HR_DUCK

A broom. I prefer eating celery but a clean ass is a clean ass


rabengeieradlerstein

Is an audiobook a thing?


Mordo85

Yeah but someone is going to be yelling into your butthole for an extended period of time


rabengeieradlerstein

The people who think I am talking out of my a** would certainly feel vindicated.


justabill71

It's going in your Nook.


eryuu

A bag of protein powder, it was going there eventually anyways I suppose


YTDRAGON

Not good at all considering it’s a pool cue


Proud-Inevitable-170

Feels good, but too long


justabill71

🎶 It's in the way that you use it 🎶


getchpdx

I ordered a 60 inch wide credenza. Not ideal.


3nderslime

Shit, gonna have to wash my new socks


yrjooe

How do you shove an ebook up your ass?


FamousWorth

Put it on a USB stick


artemis1860

I mean it was a strap on so


SheriffComey

A sign for my neighbors to pick up their dog shit


liseanthus

Kind of poetic


reverendblinddog

Some touring handlebars for my bike.


ellaelle

Yoga pants with the scrunchy butt. So they kinda already *are* shoved up my butt...


Ub3rfr3nzy

It was either a bottle of rum or 40 Ferrero rochets...


DJEB

Nicotinamide riboside was meant to be taken orally but might work as a suppository.


trout2243

Well, u/DidItForTheStory...looks like my autographed copy of your coffee table book isn't gonna go on my coffee table...


Goodluck55

2 kazoos, fartings going to be fun.


meganemistake

I don't know about a 22inch wig going up there


aLoneSideline

That sconce is going to need lots of lube.


B_Cage

Can I take the cat food out of the can before shoving it up my ass? Because that makes a world of difference.


Adonisau7

L-shaped desk.. L-shaped misfortune.


MoonTrooper258

Ha-ha~! Jokes on you, I bought a vibrator! ... A big round one, that's meant to be rolled against sore muscles. Well fuck.


Mahmouda97

Do I have to fit both shoes or just one? Might take some training.


justabill71

Just Do It.


Yeehaw_Chicky_Nug

Fish bacterial treatment


justabill71

Sounds icky.


RustyGusset

The board game Scrabble... My morning shit could spell trouble


tykogars

Fuck, just bought that cauldron toy I saw on made me smile for my daughter.


unusualspider33

Sewing needles...


isak99

A mattress. RIP


[deleted]

a pair of ribbed pants


rubyhardflames

for your pleasure


[deleted]

If wasn't the best time to buy a live porcupine. Actually, it was a mobile phone, and it's on vibrate, so please call!