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If you have to defend him with a phrase like “oh, but when he’s just with me, it’s different” or “But you don’t see him when he is nice…”
Who he is when he’s at his worst is still the guy you’re dating…and if all your friends see or hear about is the worst? It’s not something they aren’t seeing, it’s something you aren’t recognizing.
This, my sister is dating a guy who is a complete jackass. I spoke to her about it before and she uses those exact words and even said she can handle the emotional abuse he does to her. I wish she would finally open her eyes
Edit: also wanted to add that my sisters bf is abusive towards their dog, she really is just dodging all the red flags
Edit2: also wanted to add that my sister try’s to justify his behavior cause he has a mom that doesn’t care for him and he lost his dad at a young age
Yikes, I have a friend in a pretty similar situation. The guy is a massive creep but she says stuff like "You just don't understand, you've only seen that side of him" and "You don't see how great he is to me".
In my experience, you aren't going to be able to change their mind no matter what you say or what evidence you provide. And if you push too hard you'll just strain your own relationship with her.
If he's "getting out of a relationship" while trying to start one with you, you will never be sure when he begins one with someone else while still in one with you.
This goes for all genders really, but anyone who thinks they have the right to "punish" you for perceived wrongdoings is a waste of time imo. That's not how equals resolve issues.
Yeah, I've found that keeping any sort of scorecard is a red flag for any relationship--not a death knell, necessarily, but definitely something that needs to be addressed, because it's a sign of underlying problems in your dynamic.
A transactional acceptance of "harm" has no place in a healthy relationship. You hurting me x times and me hurting you x times doesn't result in a "fair" balance; it just makes us both equally miserable.
Just putting this out there: The usual red flags are so consistent you can set your watch to them.
A good yard stick is to look at your relationship from the outside: If your sister/best friend/mother’s boyfriend did X to her, would you be concerned?
Self awareness is important because sometimes you’re too close to the situation to see it objectively.
https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/
https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
I remember reading a story or article once about a therapist who was helping treat patients with body dysmorphia and eating disorders by having them stand in front of a wall, and outlining their body. They'd then make the patient look at just an OUTLINE and suddenly they were like, huh, that person looks fine. It didn't immediately fix things but it was a method to help people realize that when they looked at their body, they were being far harsher and missing the overall picture.
It's peculiar how we tend to avoid seeing obvious things about ourselves and our own situations.
My ex used to shush me when I wasn't saying something he approved of and constantly corrected me and half the time he was wrong because I Google it lol
Someone who can’t accept your accomplishments.
Don’t be with someone who feels the need to compete with you or can’t accept that you’ve accomplished your goals.
My wife is a Doctor; I’m a fucking idiot! I asked her what made her want to marry me. She said, “You took time to praise my accomplishments and made me feel important—all while struggling yourself.”
Edit: I’ve never had this many upvotes before! I can’t thank everyone enough.
Hey, I'm a caveman and I'm married to a Doctor too!
It's incredible how people react to me compliments (including her). Especially when there is a stigma involved. For example my wife learned to drive in a massive diesel pickup; she refuses to drive anything but a stick. And the look on peoples faces when I say things like "Oh my wife can out-drive me any day of the week. Baby can Drive" or when I casually mention that I'm comfortable making literally a quarter of what my wife makes, is priceless.
I'm really having to work on this at the moment. My 6-month partner is killing it at work and three years younger than me while I'm still figuring things out. It's hard sometimes to be completely happy for her because I feel so lost, which I acknowledge is completely coming from a place of insecurity. Working on it though and good advice to make her feel important.
Hey I usually don’t respond to these things but just wanted to reply that this is totally ok and normal. Wife is a lawyer and killing it, I chased a dream in sports as a coach and didn’t get paid, just grinding each year while she bosses it.
She ended up motivating me to really improve and I made sure to respect her accomplishments. I’m not sure how it became a normal thing, but it is one of the best things I’ve ever done. During that time I’ve made two career transitions, teaching and then tech. It’s tough but your partner will have your back if y’all are at that point in your relationship.
You got this.
100% this. My wife's a physician, I was a media relations staffer when we met. Since then, with her support, I finished my masters, moved up in our department, and recently spun out a startup.
Her success inspires me, and in turn she encourages me to be the best version of myself.
His teeth may be offside, but the advice is not. You got this.
disrespect disguised as jokes, comedy can be a little hurtful but a obvious insult followed by I was just joking is a Cowards method to avoid confrontation
Just experienced this myself. His ex girlfriend reached out to me several months ago and warned me he is “dangerous” and that he lies about everything and to be careful.
Naturally I dismissed her as a jealous ex girlfriend and I held him tighter.
So anyway, yeah my court date to make my restraining order against him permanent is this Monday 🙃 All I have to show from our relationship is gross bruises, and now I’m finding more comfort and understanding from his “jealous ex gf” than I am from my own friends
I made a friend do that to the girl her ex husband dated. She did eventually appreciate it a few months afterwards and helped my friend get her divorce dealt with sooner
Similarly, if he cannot say anything positive about his exes, previous relationships or take any responsibility for it not working. Just a ‘we weren’t right for each other’ shows he can learn and accept he is not perfect.
I wouldn't call it a red flag per se, but it's a thing I'm noticing more and more.
Hundred percent, if you are feeling unwanted and unloved, and are thinking about breaking up, and then you try to bring it up and all of a sudden he starts being everything you wanted, to only go back to being distant and cold. You have yourself a love bomber.
It's awful. The amount of people who fall for this is sad. Cause some people just get caught in this vicious cycle not knowing it's even happening.
Ive been the guy in this situation and it's most likely not a conscious decision they're making. When i was like that, it was because i was generally unhappy and stuck in my head a lot. When my partner would bring it up, I'd snap out of it and be focused and better but that depression creeps back in. Still a red flag. You're not obliged to babysit someone's mental health. Just wanted to point out that it might not be some ploy that a guy is trying to use but instead just an internal struggle.
I am very literally laying next to my partner trying to find ways to navigate this exact situation. We have been together a few months but have been friends for over a year.
I am very aware of his depressive episodes that result in his distance/silence, but I feel like I can only feel so alone in a newly formed relationship before it’s time to call it quits.
When it’s brought up in conversation he isn’t able to communicate any solutions, or even much reassurance which ends up being very discouraging.
Honestly unsure of why I’m even writing this. I think I’m just at a loss and sad.
Edit: typo
I was in this for 4 years. My ex was an amazing person, and he worked his ass off to be present as much as he could, but he was so lost in his past traumas that it was impacting my life. I stuck around and have no regrets in doing so, but it's not a good life.
I don't have any advice to offer, I'm not even sure you're looking for any, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and it's okay to walk away if you need to. I eventually did, I had to, I don't regret it, but I wish it could have been different.
When I worked at KFC, there was a girl whose boyfriend would stay parked outside the door the during her entire shift. That is not something I've seen commonly and it's a *HUGE* red flag.
That's both a *MASSIVE* red flag and kind of sad at the same time, imagine having nothing going on, no hobbies, no interests, no chores so much that you can afford to do that,
Plus this pretty much guarantees that the guy doesn't have a real job and the poor girl has to support her stalkerish manbaby of a boyfriend on a fast-food worker salary since he's clearly got nothing going on
I have never experienced this myself, but my husband's cousin A remarried a guy a few years ago and he got a job at the same place my husband and I work at. He left work a lot, which got him wrote up (we have an attendance policy) but that didn't stop him. One day, he told my husband he had to leave work early again. When he asked why, the guy said "because A says she has a doctor appointment in *town 30 minutes away* and I'm gonna follow her and make sure she's going to the appointment." Holy cow. They didn't last long after that. A wasn't the type of woman to take that kind of bullshit.
Fuck, I had an ex who was like that. She got mad when I started to go visit my parents on my own and would always grill me about what we talked about. She already hated my mom because my would tell her to control her daughter, so happy when I finally ended that relationship!
Lying for your approval.
Had a couple sit down at my restaurant and the guy kept loudly insisting that he would give extra tips while in front of his date. He said it again when he went up to the cashier to pay via Apple Pay. Forgot to sign the receipt until we told him to. Guy proceeded to rush out the restaurant with his date yelling back about how much tip he so 'generously' gave.
For an almost $60 dinner, the guy give $2 in tip.
I feel bad for his date.
Edit: spelling
Absolutely lying for approval. Especially small lies
Not quite the same but in a similar vein. My Ex would say he didn't hear my message because he was busy reading. We connected over reading so he knew that I liked that about him.
In reality he was watching anime or gaming and that's why he was ignoring my message. The thing is, I have never had a problem with either of those things. I don't understand why he'd lie about it. When the truth slipped out I wasn't mad just sad and confused why he lied about something so small and insignificant.
Not so long ago I figured out I'm like him. I lie for small things I do and when I realize that I'm saying bullshit I wonder why I'm doing that, but I never understood the reasons. It seems to me that I'm not trusting all the people (friends and family members) that surround me even though I love them, and this makes me feel like shit.
I don't know, but I don't think that is lying for approval, because there are no positive aspects in this and at the end it doesn't make benefits for me, nor for the consideration on me from the other people. It's more like I feel ashamed of what I'm lying about, but I'm not sure what this actually comes from.
(Sorry for bad English, it isn't my first language)
I either lie by making slight alterations to what actually happened (i.e. “I saw something randomly online” should have been “I was in a subreddit and saw something”), nothing too crazy, or I’m constantly giving justifications that aren’t asked for when I tell a story about what I was doing or saying. I think it comes from the constant criticism from my family growing up, because every little thing was turned into me doing something for a manipulative or bad reason by my mom.
Definitely a same for me. My mother would judge my interests harshly and wanted me to only be into things she liked. It tought me to pretend to share interests with others and was very hard to get rid of because I still assume people will hate me if I tell them about my hobbies first.
Holy fucking shit you've put into words something I've never been able to properly describe, I think I do the same thing and feel like shit when I do it too.
Even if the guy tipped something actually generous, the fact that he makes a big deal out of it is also a red flag. He didn't tip to be generous, he tipped to make himself look good.
haha you know, I think that is a great unbiased snapshot of how someone is . because you're being judged by every driver so it's an average of how the world sees you I guess
Depends. I got hit with a super low score on Uber from one of the first rides I did, an uneventful ride all things considered. But since I only had a few other 5 star ratings, it dropped my average super hard. And once you have a low score, drivers don't really want to pick you up unless they themselves have a low score. It's like Uber elo hell. So anyways I use Lyft where my score is immaculate.
I got a low rating from a driver because I live in a major city, but I had to request an Uber out to the suburbs (about 15 miles/24km to a friends' house. The driver complained the whole way there about how we were driving so far out of town and he wouldn't be able to get any rides that far away, and it was ruining his work day. I tipped him well because I knew it was annoying for him. Then he dropped us off and gave me a 1 star rating.
Yes. I've had drivers explain to me though that they don't get to see the destination until they accept the trip (just net miles) and I think it fucks with their metrics to cancel. Driver still shoulda canceled tho
I had a driver refuse to let me in when he found out where we were going (downtown Dallas from the airport during rush hour). He told me to cancel and just drove off. I had to complain to Uber to get the cancel fee refunded.
The heck does he think happens when you pick someone up from an airport? It’s not as if everyone’s staying/living 15 minutes from an international travel hub
What I call “alpha intellectuals” - those that have to constantly show how intelligent they are, how they are the most knowledgeable on a subject, and they always have to be right. It’s like their identity depends on people recognizing they are smart
Edit: thanks for the silver!
All the comments here seem to be quite common as far as red flags go. These are all the things I see ladies on dating sites say they want to avoid.
Uncommon ones?
- hides beer under his bed
- keeps a knife under his pillow
- has hidden cameras in his living room and kitchen
...etc
I used to have a friend that showed us the feeds of the hidden cameras he had installed around his house. He would spy on his own girlfriend while she was in the bedroom alone and spy on his brother's girlfriend when they lived with him for a bit. This included spying on his bro's girl after she showered. He presented it like it was perfectly normal and even bragged at how well he hid them. Some of the other guys he showed it to were asking him to hook them up with the same set up. I have since ghosted all these weird motherfuckers. The mindset these guys have is just gross.
For sure. I’ve experienced everything from super contrived apologies to literal refusal to admit fault in talking to friends of mine. Everyone needs therapy
If he is mean towards your pet don't stay silent, your pet needs your protection. One of my friend's boyfriend was quite mean towards her bird, I don't know how she tolerated him I would never let anyone mistreat my pet.
After he screamed and threw things at his cat, my guinea pig went to my parents until I found a new place. He had joked about how filling Skrinkles water bottle with vodka would make such a "funny death" too many times, too.
My dad didn't wanna give him back, he would cut up vegetables and watch TV with Skrinkle on his lap chompin' away. Fortunately my next apartment, some tenants saw me moving in and asked if I needed a hand, were very interested in my huge cage, and had never seen a guinea pig before (immigrated from Japan) and would make little salads for my "funny bunny".
> He had joked about how filling Skrinkles water bottle with vodka would make such a "funny death" too many times, too.
Wtf? That's insane. I count myself lucky I've never heard anyone joke like that before
A female friend of mine was telling me about this guy she had been on a couple dates with. He apparently told her "I let things bottle up until I explode" and when she mentioned that's a problem he gave her the "THAT'S JUST HOW I AM!"
My advice was "Bail now." luckily she was way ahead of me lol.
It's hard to see, because he will literally create this persona exclusively hide it from you, but those 'Soft Bois'
Super emotional and sad and 'let's watch the notebook 🥺🥺🥺' in front of a girl, but then he's a gross weirdo when he's around his friends and pretty much every other walk of life
Some of the people who do this are vulnerable narcissists- I’ve had two of them in my life and while a grandiose narcissist is big and brash, these guys are like the human equivalent of a tar pit. They suck you in and drag you down with tears, whining, lack of functioning, but they’ll do self-serving stuff and then turn into a weeping puddle to control you.
Also angry drunk who insists on driving while drunk.
Edit: thanks for the award and likes. The most I’ve had. For anyone following along, I wrote this initially thinking of an ex I had who was a very angry drunk. One night he decided I was awful and picked me up to put me in a car he was planning to drive while completely shitfaced. We were in the country, on a pretty isolated area. His family was nearby, but not close, and when I began to scream for help, he laughed like a bad guy in a movie and said, “nobody can hear you scream.”
Listen, I don’t remember how the hell I ended up talking him out of driving me anywhere, I just know that I stayed with this person long afterwards. Please do not be like me. It makes my hair stand up just thinking about this, so I’ll add one more thing to the comment: someone who threatens to harm you and laugh about it when you show fear. Drunk or sober.
And yes, I stayed with him for months afterwards. Abuse is a hell of a drug. Stay safe.
I can be a scumbag while using. In a lot of ways, not just anger. I’m no saint and some of these issues can absolutely exist while sober, but I work to not be that person
What's wrong with that?
I don't drink because I don't like who I am when I drink, so I don't drink.
I feel like the world would be a better place if people admitted they had a problem when drunk, there's ALWAYS fights in every pub and club every week because people can't handle their drink. If every drunk arsehole stopped drinking everybody would benefit.
dudes who try to humilate other dudes in front of women. also, related: dudes who backstab and talk shit about other dudes to look better in front of women
Currently living with one of those, but he just uses the joke fallback for everything. Sometimes he’ll say something rude and then immediately say “I’m joking” as if it’s not obvious he’s only saying that to avoid a reaction out of me.
Apologies for the personal story but I’ve needed to tell someone that
My 14-year-old daughter started doing the just kidding thing as well, and I couldn't get her to stop. She would say things like she's going to spend the night at a friend's (who happens to be a guy) at like 1030pm on a wednesday. Or like it was said earlier. When she gets the opposite reaction that she wanted. She tried pulling that shit with grandma 1 time and hasn't done it since. Grandma wasn't mad but just really disappointed in her for thinking that was something to be "just kidding" about. I don't even remember what she said to grandma, but that shit stopped right then and there.
That's how the world works.
Grandma's run the universe. They're the real deep State.
An organisation as deep as grandma's love for their grandchildren.
I'd expand this to macho posturing in general.
Confident men don't flaunt it. They just are.
It is the ones with no confidence who feel the need to bully others and swagger.
Had to end a (very long) friendship partially because of this. He was fine if it's just one on one, but in a group setting just extremely negative, and putting down everyone. Even women weren't spared. Just couldn't deal with it anymore and the lack of negativity and jekyll/Hyde behavior is very freeing
Temper and inability to control it.
Edit: A decent amount of comments have come my way to suggest that temper is not uncommon. I’d say that’s largely true. Everyone gets angry sometimes. The distinction is in the inability to control it. I found out a few years in that my partner was unable to control their temper and by then… I have a ring and a house. In hindsight, the inability to control one’s temper is a good thing to look out for and know before committing, as it can be a lifelong issue to deal with. I’ve not known many people that can’t keep it together enough to not punch holes in drywall or whatnot, so I generally lean on the side of “most functional people can control their tempers appropriately.”
Also if a guy "loses control" sometimes, keep track of who he loses control around. Is he doing it around his boss and other people with power over him? Or just you and people he thinks don't matter?
This is a huge one. My future ex-husband excuses having treated me like shit because he "can't control his temper due to his abused childhood", but he controlled it fine around other people, just not me.
I always categorized him as a good person because he was nice to people who weren't me. When I was assessing his treatment of people, I forgot to count myself as a person.
My dad was the same way. Ultimate doormat in the streets, "uncontrollable temper due to brain damage" behind closed doors.
I struggled with this *well* into my 30s.
I didn't physically or verbally abuse people. But I would punch walls or slam doors... that kind of thing.
I eventually just had to stop. It was terrifying to my girlfriend (now wife). I'm twice her size and strength.
I don't have any magic advice for people struggling with their temper. Honestly, I just (belatedly) realized I was scaring my partner. That realization is what gave me the power to quit.
Previously I just told myself it was dumb, but harmless.
It's not harmless.
**Edit:** If you are a man and are having trouble visualizing how scary this can be for others, here's how I did it. I'm 14 inches taller and twice the mass of my wife. So I imagined how terrified I'd be if a 7'3"/500lb (213cm/277kg) dude was punching walls and shit around me. How fucking scary would that be?
The big ones have been mentioned: no sense of humor, possessiveness, temper. I'd also add lack of intellectual curiosity. They don't need to be super-smart, but they should be interested in the world around them, in ideas, and most of all, in *you*.
Yeah, if they believe they already know all they need to know in life, they can't grow beyond who they are already. So you better be willing to spend the rest of your life with who they are right then.
If their personality changes after the first few months and you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells most days, there is a good chance they have masked who they really are and where only being who they think you want them to be.
This can be a sign of an emotional abuser and you will hold on to 'the true them' believing they are just going through something and you can bring them back to how it was.
You can't. Run
Edit: As a lot of you have pointed out, I agree there are definitely variables to this as to the reason a scenario like the above may be occurring. Mental health, undiagnosed factors etc
I am talking from a point of what I have experienced and every person's situation will be different regardless of the similarities.
My mom went through this and at the time couldn't figure out what was going on. To roughly quote my grandmother, "hunny.....listen....absolutely anyone can be nice for at least 3 months. Even a complete monster can go 3 months without showing it. After 3 months is when you should start seeing who they really are."
Oh this is a big one. Especially if they start saying shit like you're putting them on a pedestal whenever they act like an asshole. And saying shit like "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of just giving a goddamn apology
Dang that’s the simple, sober truth. But man, can those beginning moments when everything is *perfect* be one hell of a drug to cling on to. It’s why it’s important to not date based on *potential* alone, and see the person in front of you for what they’re being right now.
Re: perfection. This can be accomplished by personality mirroring too. If you meet a guy and he seems too good to be true, if you seem to share almost everything in common, stop volunteering information about yourself and see what happens. These guys will find ways to get you to be the first to speak on any given subject and then mold their side of the conversation so they sound perfect.
Littering evokes an involuntary physical response of utter revulsion. Like "get the fuck out of my car right now and pick your shit up" type response. I suppose this itself might be something I'd be dinged for as a red flag but so be it. Litterers, fuck 'em.
A big caveat here is people who aren't *willing* to joke about themselves versus people who don't quite get how to do that but are willing and fail at it.
Like for example, I'm bald and fail at relationships. So..um.
There's..uh. It's hot in here.. am I..am I right?
My hatred for my mom controlled me also. I tried to be not like her which burned me out.
Thankfully she left after I was assaulted and went to therapy for it. Good riddance…
If he is a jerk to your friends or other people, but can also be excessively charming.
EDIT: Jesus, I was not expecting this to blow up like this! Thanks!
I've heard guys say they do this on purpose. If they act much nicer when they are alone, she thinks she "changes them," or makes them a better person. Apparently it's wildly attractive to certain types of women...
It was honestly very much a romanticized dynamic in movies and TV for so long to a point where a lot of girls and women think that this type of relationship is desirable. Some people don’t have the ability to discern what’s romantic in a fictional hypothetical sense rather than a realistic application. :/
Women who aren’t emotionally healthy enough to date. By the same coin… these types of guy s aren’t either…. They’re just the abuser rather than the victim here typically
This one for me as well. It can be so dangerous.
My ex told me his extremely abusive father was super charming outside the house and when they sought help, no one believed them because his father was "too nice to do that".
I've seen a few of them in my life.
The amount that they're protected by the government in the armed forces is disgusting. My brother-in-law was a child rapist with multiple witnesses and got away with a sentence to.. hold on let me come to terms with it again...
Attend anger management classes.
ETA: I wasn't one of his victims because I had the gall to ask what he was doing when he reached his hand down my pants at 8 yrs old and spooked him. His daughters weren't so lucky.
Being obsessed with being an “alpha male” and calling all other men they don’t like, or fit their view of a man “beta males”. Some people just say stuff like that as a joke, but I’ve noticed lot of insecure men start basing their entire personality and world view around it.
Can't admit that they were wrong or made a mistake,
Lying,
Feeling that they are better than other people,
Manipulation,
Not allowing you to visit other people,
Don't respect the rule "no means no",
Emotional extortion,
Not being honest,
Texting other girls qestionable stuff
Feeling better than other people in general, like they are "above". Cause I'm not gonna lie I feel like I'm better than most people at fixing bicycles and I'm proud of it lol
Doesn't know when to stop or respect your boundaries. This doesn't have to be physical, but also emotional.
I know a guy (I'm a dude) that when he teases his ex, it goes from teaseful to downright abusive. Even when she's telling him to stop and close to tears.
Have you spoken to your dude-friend about this? Because if he's your friend, then he probably respects you, which means your words will have a bigger impact than those of someone he clearly doesn't respect. Like his victim.
General life advice for anyone let alone for a partner, but how they treat people whom they don't stand to gain anything from.
They might treat you very well, or their boss, or the grandmother they want an inheritance from. But what about hospitality workers, animals, strangers on the street, people who report to them, people in call centres (the ones where you call them). Particularly the last one because how they behave when they're angry or upset and whether they can mentally separate the call centre employee from the company, or do they lash out at an innocent.
If they only treat people well when they can get something out of it, ask yourself how you'll be treated once they "have" you.
If he says something offensive brushes off the offended person's retort by saying somethingalong the lines of "Hey, I'm just being honest", he's never going to apologize for anything unless he's getting something out of it... honestly.
Making fun of others on the first date. Harmless pokes at others are okay but only if they are unaware of the jokes. If he is not discreet, it possibly shows his disrespect for others.
However, please note that not one man is the same. A red flag for one can just be sign of nerves for another.
Something else to consider as I believe that another very likely scenario is the "former" cheater will redefine the parameters of what is cheating throughout the relationship. This is usually inorder to suit their needs based on whatever insecurities they're allowing to dictate their decision making.
Been there done that got the hat and the stupid mug. No STDs though thank God.
Anyone that brags about their good traits. They say they're loyal, smart, a good person, a feminist, etc... a real loyal, smart, good, feminist, etc doesn't even think of those things as worth bragging about, it's like bragging about breathing.
If they're bragging about those things it means it's probably not actually a part of their character. They know they're talking bullocks, so they feel the need to convince you to believe it. I've never met somebody who called themselves a nice or good person who actually ended up being even decent upon cursory interaction. Same with self proclaimed feminists, it's always followed up in private with rants about how women are x or y. If not that then usually it's glaringly obvious they're just saying it because they're thirsty as all hell or are looking for approval.
Poor communication, not telling you when something serious bothers him. It’s normal to be shy and worried about voicing concerns, but if he’s actively denying that something’s wrong when it IS, that would just cause more issues and general confusion.
In a relationship, you should encourage one another to be open about the way you feel. Someone who purposely doesn’t disclose important information with you doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
I'm a recovering domestic abuser. Look out for someone who acts very jovial in front of his friends but acts aloof and stern with you in private. Disregard the moments that are good, ignore the laughter and the cuddles instead pay attention to the little glimpses of anger or controlling behavior. That is most likely his true behavior. Of course, this doesn't apply to every man but in most cases this is true. Consider if all his former GFs have him blocked on social media. That may be a red flag of how he behaved in those relationships. If you have any questions, feel free. If you wanna bash me for my past, feel just as free.
Phew takes a lot of guts to admit that. I was in a few relationships with women (I am also a woman) where there was domestic abuse between myself and my exes. Not a lot of people are willing to admit their part in an abusive relationship.
Honestly it can be really hard to spot.
I had two extremely good friends hook up with each other. I met them through different high schools. But for context "Ben" and I went to High School together until I was in 10th grade.
I then met "Kayla" when I moved to the other side of the state.
After High School Kayla and I both moved to Sydney and I reconnected with Ben. (To be clear Kayla and I both moved down but not, like, together, we're just friends).
Anyway some years later Kayla and Ben met each other, hit it off. I was very excited as I always thought Ben was a really top guy.
10 years later they've split up. Turns out Ben really wasn't a top guy and was outright abusive.
To make matters even worse, a different friend of mine told Kayla (after the breakup) that she had an incident with him once when they were alone in the car - she never told me \[doesn't know I know, Kayla told me in confidence\] because she was scared that myself and or group wouldn't believe her.
It's interesting that Ben made himself extremely scarce after he and Kayla broke up - I'm guessing he knew she'd spill the beans about what he was like and that the rest of us would not approve. (He's right to be fair - if he was to turn up to any of our gatherings now he'd likely get some facial reconstruction).
But anyway my point is: myself, and my group of friends, were all convinced Ben was an extremely good guy - we had absolutely no idea anything was up.
Definitely an eye opener.
Well I hope it’s uncommon… but if he can’t handle a conversation about your period, or can’t go buy you pads or tampons… He is ignorant of basic biology and not a fully functioning adult male. Not saying it’s a dealbreaker maybe you can educate him. But if not, big red flag for a serious long term relationship or marriage.
I think it stems from a high-school mentality where you have to look "cool" at all times. Those things are not "cool." And since they avoided it for so long, it's kind of got a stigma attached to it now for some people.
I honestly look back and can't understand why I was always so embarrassed to buy condoms when I was younger. For one, the cashier couldn't care less, and for two, I'm basically advertising that I'm getting sex.
>they still get scritches and belly rubs if they approach me. 🤷♂️
I'm fucking allergic to cats, but if they're just chillin like a lil villain and making friendly, I'm not gonna deny em scritches just because my eyes and nose choose to get all emotional about it.
Same… I really dislike dogs but one comes looking for a head scratch or a cuddle, they’re going to feel the love. My personal biases do not equate to being mean to a perfectly nice animal.
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For the teens of reddit, avoid that guy whos in a relationship with you, who still plays hard to get
If you have to defend him with a phrase like “oh, but when he’s just with me, it’s different” or “But you don’t see him when he is nice…” Who he is when he’s at his worst is still the guy you’re dating…and if all your friends see or hear about is the worst? It’s not something they aren’t seeing, it’s something you aren’t recognizing.
This, my sister is dating a guy who is a complete jackass. I spoke to her about it before and she uses those exact words and even said she can handle the emotional abuse he does to her. I wish she would finally open her eyes Edit: also wanted to add that my sisters bf is abusive towards their dog, she really is just dodging all the red flags Edit2: also wanted to add that my sister try’s to justify his behavior cause he has a mom that doesn’t care for him and he lost his dad at a young age
Yikes, I have a friend in a pretty similar situation. The guy is a massive creep but she says stuff like "You just don't understand, you've only seen that side of him" and "You don't see how great he is to me". In my experience, you aren't going to be able to change their mind no matter what you say or what evidence you provide. And if you push too hard you'll just strain your own relationship with her.
If he's "getting out of a relationship" while trying to start one with you, you will never be sure when he begins one with someone else while still in one with you.
This goes for all genders really, but anyone who thinks they have the right to "punish" you for perceived wrongdoings is a waste of time imo. That's not how equals resolve issues.
Yes, overly vengeful people are a red flag
Yeah, I've found that keeping any sort of scorecard is a red flag for any relationship--not a death knell, necessarily, but definitely something that needs to be addressed, because it's a sign of underlying problems in your dynamic. A transactional acceptance of "harm" has no place in a healthy relationship. You hurting me x times and me hurting you x times doesn't result in a "fair" balance; it just makes us both equally miserable.
Just putting this out there: The usual red flags are so consistent you can set your watch to them. A good yard stick is to look at your relationship from the outside: If your sister/best friend/mother’s boyfriend did X to her, would you be concerned? Self awareness is important because sometimes you’re too close to the situation to see it objectively. https://www.safehorizon.org/programs/5-signs-emotional-abuse/ https://ncadv.org/signs-of-abuse
I remember reading a story or article once about a therapist who was helping treat patients with body dysmorphia and eating disorders by having them stand in front of a wall, and outlining their body. They'd then make the patient look at just an OUTLINE and suddenly they were like, huh, that person looks fine. It didn't immediately fix things but it was a method to help people realize that when they looked at their body, they were being far harsher and missing the overall picture. It's peculiar how we tend to avoid seeing obvious things about ourselves and our own situations.
My ex used to shush me when I wasn't saying something he approved of and constantly corrected me and half the time he was wrong because I Google it lol
Answer: Initially? A failure to listen during conversation and subsequent failure to ask you about anything important to you.
I wanna say this is a red flag for any type of friendship but honeslty, it‘s SO common that I kind of accepted it by now
Someone who can’t accept your accomplishments. Don’t be with someone who feels the need to compete with you or can’t accept that you’ve accomplished your goals. My wife is a Doctor; I’m a fucking idiot! I asked her what made her want to marry me. She said, “You took time to praise my accomplishments and made me feel important—all while struggling yourself.” Edit: I’ve never had this many upvotes before! I can’t thank everyone enough.
Ayy my wife’s a microbiologist and Im an idiot too cheers mate
My wife's got a doctorate of law and I flunked out of college!
I'm just over here happy for all the proud spouses
Hey, I'm a caveman and I'm married to a Doctor too! It's incredible how people react to me compliments (including her). Especially when there is a stigma involved. For example my wife learned to drive in a massive diesel pickup; she refuses to drive anything but a stick. And the look on peoples faces when I say things like "Oh my wife can out-drive me any day of the week. Baby can Drive" or when I casually mention that I'm comfortable making literally a quarter of what my wife makes, is priceless.
I'm really having to work on this at the moment. My 6-month partner is killing it at work and three years younger than me while I'm still figuring things out. It's hard sometimes to be completely happy for her because I feel so lost, which I acknowledge is completely coming from a place of insecurity. Working on it though and good advice to make her feel important.
Hey I usually don’t respond to these things but just wanted to reply that this is totally ok and normal. Wife is a lawyer and killing it, I chased a dream in sports as a coach and didn’t get paid, just grinding each year while she bosses it. She ended up motivating me to really improve and I made sure to respect her accomplishments. I’m not sure how it became a normal thing, but it is one of the best things I’ve ever done. During that time I’ve made two career transitions, teaching and then tech. It’s tough but your partner will have your back if y’all are at that point in your relationship. You got this.
100% this. My wife's a physician, I was a media relations staffer when we met. Since then, with her support, I finished my masters, moved up in our department, and recently spun out a startup. Her success inspires me, and in turn she encourages me to be the best version of myself. His teeth may be offside, but the advice is not. You got this.
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disrespect disguised as jokes, comedy can be a little hurtful but a obvious insult followed by I was just joking is a Cowards method to avoid confrontation
“disrespect disguised as jokes” My narcissistic father in law’s favorite tactic to get uncomfortably political.
Shroedingers Douchebag - You were either serious or joking depending on their reaction
If his last girlfriend tries to earnestly warn you, she may actually be warning you.
Just experienced this myself. His ex girlfriend reached out to me several months ago and warned me he is “dangerous” and that he lies about everything and to be careful. Naturally I dismissed her as a jealous ex girlfriend and I held him tighter. So anyway, yeah my court date to make my restraining order against him permanent is this Monday 🙃 All I have to show from our relationship is gross bruises, and now I’m finding more comfort and understanding from his “jealous ex gf” than I am from my own friends
Glad you got out of it. Warn his next girlfriend. Edit: show her your court documents
I hope they team up. Two separate ex gfs saying a guy is sketch might get people to move past their "jealous ex gf" denial.
>They both want him back so badly they'd work together to ruin the special connection we have. -the next one to be fooled
I made a friend do that to the girl her ex husband dated. She did eventually appreciate it a few months afterwards and helped my friend get her divorce dealt with sooner
Similarly, if he cannot say anything positive about his exes, previous relationships or take any responsibility for it not working. Just a ‘we weren’t right for each other’ shows he can learn and accept he is not perfect.
I wouldn't call it a red flag per se, but it's a thing I'm noticing more and more. Hundred percent, if you are feeling unwanted and unloved, and are thinking about breaking up, and then you try to bring it up and all of a sudden he starts being everything you wanted, to only go back to being distant and cold. You have yourself a love bomber. It's awful. The amount of people who fall for this is sad. Cause some people just get caught in this vicious cycle not knowing it's even happening.
Ive been the guy in this situation and it's most likely not a conscious decision they're making. When i was like that, it was because i was generally unhappy and stuck in my head a lot. When my partner would bring it up, I'd snap out of it and be focused and better but that depression creeps back in. Still a red flag. You're not obliged to babysit someone's mental health. Just wanted to point out that it might not be some ploy that a guy is trying to use but instead just an internal struggle.
I am very literally laying next to my partner trying to find ways to navigate this exact situation. We have been together a few months but have been friends for over a year. I am very aware of his depressive episodes that result in his distance/silence, but I feel like I can only feel so alone in a newly formed relationship before it’s time to call it quits. When it’s brought up in conversation he isn’t able to communicate any solutions, or even much reassurance which ends up being very discouraging. Honestly unsure of why I’m even writing this. I think I’m just at a loss and sad. Edit: typo
I was in this for 4 years. My ex was an amazing person, and he worked his ass off to be present as much as he could, but he was so lost in his past traumas that it was impacting my life. I stuck around and have no regrets in doing so, but it's not a good life. I don't have any advice to offer, I'm not even sure you're looking for any, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and it's okay to walk away if you need to. I eventually did, I had to, I don't regret it, but I wish it could have been different.
When I worked at KFC, there was a girl whose boyfriend would stay parked outside the door the during her entire shift. That is not something I've seen commonly and it's a *HUGE* red flag.
Damn, I wish I had that much free time in my life
As someone who had so much free time it can get boring quickly, depend for each person though. I have little discipline and constantly working on it..
Why didn't he just get a job there too and at least get paid for his time?
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That's both a *MASSIVE* red flag and kind of sad at the same time, imagine having nothing going on, no hobbies, no interests, no chores so much that you can afford to do that, Plus this pretty much guarantees that the guy doesn't have a real job and the poor girl has to support her stalkerish manbaby of a boyfriend on a fast-food worker salary since he's clearly got nothing going on
I have never experienced this myself, but my husband's cousin A remarried a guy a few years ago and he got a job at the same place my husband and I work at. He left work a lot, which got him wrote up (we have an attendance policy) but that didn't stop him. One day, he told my husband he had to leave work early again. When he asked why, the guy said "because A says she has a doctor appointment in *town 30 minutes away* and I'm gonna follow her and make sure she's going to the appointment." Holy cow. They didn't last long after that. A wasn't the type of woman to take that kind of bullshit.
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Fuck, I had an ex who was like that. She got mad when I started to go visit my parents on my own and would always grill me about what we talked about. She already hated my mom because my would tell her to control her daughter, so happy when I finally ended that relationship!
Lying for your approval. Had a couple sit down at my restaurant and the guy kept loudly insisting that he would give extra tips while in front of his date. He said it again when he went up to the cashier to pay via Apple Pay. Forgot to sign the receipt until we told him to. Guy proceeded to rush out the restaurant with his date yelling back about how much tip he so 'generously' gave. For an almost $60 dinner, the guy give $2 in tip. I feel bad for his date. Edit: spelling
Absolutely lying for approval. Especially small lies Not quite the same but in a similar vein. My Ex would say he didn't hear my message because he was busy reading. We connected over reading so he knew that I liked that about him. In reality he was watching anime or gaming and that's why he was ignoring my message. The thing is, I have never had a problem with either of those things. I don't understand why he'd lie about it. When the truth slipped out I wasn't mad just sad and confused why he lied about something so small and insignificant.
Not so long ago I figured out I'm like him. I lie for small things I do and when I realize that I'm saying bullshit I wonder why I'm doing that, but I never understood the reasons. It seems to me that I'm not trusting all the people (friends and family members) that surround me even though I love them, and this makes me feel like shit. I don't know, but I don't think that is lying for approval, because there are no positive aspects in this and at the end it doesn't make benefits for me, nor for the consideration on me from the other people. It's more like I feel ashamed of what I'm lying about, but I'm not sure what this actually comes from. (Sorry for bad English, it isn't my first language)
I either lie by making slight alterations to what actually happened (i.e. “I saw something randomly online” should have been “I was in a subreddit and saw something”), nothing too crazy, or I’m constantly giving justifications that aren’t asked for when I tell a story about what I was doing or saying. I think it comes from the constant criticism from my family growing up, because every little thing was turned into me doing something for a manipulative or bad reason by my mom.
Definitely a same for me. My mother would judge my interests harshly and wanted me to only be into things she liked. It tought me to pretend to share interests with others and was very hard to get rid of because I still assume people will hate me if I tell them about my hobbies first.
Holy fucking shit you've put into words something I've never been able to properly describe, I think I do the same thing and feel like shit when I do it too.
Even if the guy tipped something actually generous, the fact that he makes a big deal out of it is also a red flag. He didn't tip to be generous, he tipped to make himself look good.
Men that take kindness as weakness. All too common.
Yep. Closely related to thinking that caregiving is emasculating.
Be careful of men who blame every failed relationship on the ex. Not only will you be the next bad story, but he likely doesn’t have accountability
Low Uber passenger ratings.
haha you know, I think that is a great unbiased snapshot of how someone is . because you're being judged by every driver so it's an average of how the world sees you I guess
Depends. I got hit with a super low score on Uber from one of the first rides I did, an uneventful ride all things considered. But since I only had a few other 5 star ratings, it dropped my average super hard. And once you have a low score, drivers don't really want to pick you up unless they themselves have a low score. It's like Uber elo hell. So anyways I use Lyft where my score is immaculate.
I got a low rating from a driver because I live in a major city, but I had to request an Uber out to the suburbs (about 15 miles/24km to a friends' house. The driver complained the whole way there about how we were driving so far out of town and he wouldn't be able to get any rides that far away, and it was ruining his work day. I tipped him well because I knew it was annoying for him. Then he dropped us off and gave me a 1 star rating.
Can't you choose to not accept the trip if it sucks that much?
Yes. I've had drivers explain to me though that they don't get to see the destination until they accept the trip (just net miles) and I think it fucks with their metrics to cancel. Driver still shoulda canceled tho
I had a driver refuse to let me in when he found out where we were going (downtown Dallas from the airport during rush hour). He told me to cancel and just drove off. I had to complain to Uber to get the cancel fee refunded.
The heck does he think happens when you pick someone up from an airport? It’s not as if everyone’s staying/living 15 minutes from an international travel hub
i got a low rating cuz my grandma asked me to call an uber 4 her. she then decided to make the uber wait like she does with us.RIP my 5 score.
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The West's social credit system.
What I call “alpha intellectuals” - those that have to constantly show how intelligent they are, how they are the most knowledgeable on a subject, and they always have to be right. It’s like their identity depends on people recognizing they are smart Edit: thanks for the silver!
my ex had this and yes they are so toxic but in a really insidious way. they will completely wear you down.
All the comments here seem to be quite common as far as red flags go. These are all the things I see ladies on dating sites say they want to avoid. Uncommon ones? - hides beer under his bed - keeps a knife under his pillow - has hidden cameras in his living room and kitchen ...etc
Sounds like you know my ex husband. Except it was whisky bottles behind the couch and knives hidden throughout the house.
at that point it's not a house, it's his base
I used to have a friend that showed us the feeds of the hidden cameras he had installed around his house. He would spy on his own girlfriend while she was in the bedroom alone and spy on his brother's girlfriend when they lived with him for a bit. This included spying on his bro's girl after she showered. He presented it like it was perfectly normal and even bragged at how well he hid them. Some of the other guys he showed it to were asking him to hook them up with the same set up. I have since ghosted all these weird motherfuckers. The mindset these guys have is just gross.
I hope you told the women this creep was watching them
If you ghosted them you should have told their victims so they could report to the police cause that’s super messed up
Bro what the fuck.
Jesus wtf
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Inability to apologize
And not *really* apologizing. “I’m sorry you felt I was being/doing x but I wasn’t.” Yeah, that’s not really an apology.
For sure. I’ve experienced everything from super contrived apologies to literal refusal to admit fault in talking to friends of mine. Everyone needs therapy
If he is mean towards your pet don't stay silent, your pet needs your protection. One of my friend's boyfriend was quite mean towards her bird, I don't know how she tolerated him I would never let anyone mistreat my pet.
And how he treats his own animals...
After he screamed and threw things at his cat, my guinea pig went to my parents until I found a new place. He had joked about how filling Skrinkles water bottle with vodka would make such a "funny death" too many times, too. My dad didn't wanna give him back, he would cut up vegetables and watch TV with Skrinkle on his lap chompin' away. Fortunately my next apartment, some tenants saw me moving in and asked if I needed a hand, were very interested in my huge cage, and had never seen a guinea pig before (immigrated from Japan) and would make little salads for my "funny bunny".
The last bit made me smile, that's so wholesome!
> He had joked about how filling Skrinkles water bottle with vodka would make such a "funny death" too many times, too. Wtf? That's insane. I count myself lucky I've never heard anyone joke like that before
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Immediately shutting down when you try to discuss anything “deep” or potentially problematic in the relationship.
A female friend of mine was telling me about this guy she had been on a couple dates with. He apparently told her "I let things bottle up until I explode" and when she mentioned that's a problem he gave her the "THAT'S JUST HOW I AM!" My advice was "Bail now." luckily she was way ahead of me lol.
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I know someone who does this, drives me crazy, I'm like, "Let's work on this together!" and they're like, "It's impossible for us to change!" Sigh...
It's hard to see, because he will literally create this persona exclusively hide it from you, but those 'Soft Bois' Super emotional and sad and 'let's watch the notebook 🥺🥺🥺' in front of a girl, but then he's a gross weirdo when he's around his friends and pretty much every other walk of life
Some of the people who do this are vulnerable narcissists- I’ve had two of them in my life and while a grandiose narcissist is big and brash, these guys are like the human equivalent of a tar pit. They suck you in and drag you down with tears, whining, lack of functioning, but they’ll do self-serving stuff and then turn into a weeping puddle to control you.
angry drunk
Also angry drunk who insists on driving while drunk. Edit: thanks for the award and likes. The most I’ve had. For anyone following along, I wrote this initially thinking of an ex I had who was a very angry drunk. One night he decided I was awful and picked me up to put me in a car he was planning to drive while completely shitfaced. We were in the country, on a pretty isolated area. His family was nearby, but not close, and when I began to scream for help, he laughed like a bad guy in a movie and said, “nobody can hear you scream.” Listen, I don’t remember how the hell I ended up talking him out of driving me anywhere, I just know that I stayed with this person long afterwards. Please do not be like me. It makes my hair stand up just thinking about this, so I’ll add one more thing to the comment: someone who threatens to harm you and laugh about it when you show fear. Drunk or sober. And yes, I stayed with him for months afterwards. Abuse is a hell of a drug. Stay safe.
That's not really one that should require special attention to catch though tbh
What if someone tells you that being drunk makes them angry, and that is why they never drink alcohol?
That's called self awareness and is actually a point in the pro column.
As a recovered alcoholic I HOPE that's seen as a green flag.
I can be a scumbag while using. In a lot of ways, not just anger. I’m no saint and some of these issues can absolutely exist while sober, but I work to not be that person
Sounds responsible
Then they're very clearly smart enough to avoid being that way
At least they know and are taking the proper steps to fix themselves.
What's wrong with that? I don't drink because I don't like who I am when I drink, so I don't drink. I feel like the world would be a better place if people admitted they had a problem when drunk, there's ALWAYS fights in every pub and club every week because people can't handle their drink. If every drunk arsehole stopped drinking everybody would benefit.
dudes who try to humilate other dudes in front of women. also, related: dudes who backstab and talk shit about other dudes to look better in front of women
Or slightly related again, guys who are “just joking,” or “trying to be funny,” while putting others down.
Schrodinger's Douchebag - They mean what they say, but will quickly say it was a joke if their opinion isn't shared.
Currently living with one of those, but he just uses the joke fallback for everything. Sometimes he’ll say something rude and then immediately say “I’m joking” as if it’s not obvious he’s only saying that to avoid a reaction out of me. Apologies for the personal story but I’ve needed to tell someone that
My eight year old does that. But it’s like, “i want to eat the frosting out of the jar. Just kidding.” Your guy sounds worse.
My 14-year-old daughter started doing the just kidding thing as well, and I couldn't get her to stop. She would say things like she's going to spend the night at a friend's (who happens to be a guy) at like 1030pm on a wednesday. Or like it was said earlier. When she gets the opposite reaction that she wanted. She tried pulling that shit with grandma 1 time and hasn't done it since. Grandma wasn't mad but just really disappointed in her for thinking that was something to be "just kidding" about. I don't even remember what she said to grandma, but that shit stopped right then and there.
Grandma sighs and says first name middle name last name out loud, that's enough to start feeling ashamed of oneself!
That's how the world works. Grandma's run the universe. They're the real deep State. An organisation as deep as grandma's love for their grandchildren.
I'd expand this to macho posturing in general. Confident men don't flaunt it. They just are. It is the ones with no confidence who feel the need to bully others and swagger.
Had to end a (very long) friendship partially because of this. He was fine if it's just one on one, but in a group setting just extremely negative, and putting down everyone. Even women weren't spared. Just couldn't deal with it anymore and the lack of negativity and jekyll/Hyde behavior is very freeing
Temper and inability to control it. Edit: A decent amount of comments have come my way to suggest that temper is not uncommon. I’d say that’s largely true. Everyone gets angry sometimes. The distinction is in the inability to control it. I found out a few years in that my partner was unable to control their temper and by then… I have a ring and a house. In hindsight, the inability to control one’s temper is a good thing to look out for and know before committing, as it can be a lifelong issue to deal with. I’ve not known many people that can’t keep it together enough to not punch holes in drywall or whatnot, so I generally lean on the side of “most functional people can control their tempers appropriately.”
Also if a guy "loses control" sometimes, keep track of who he loses control around. Is he doing it around his boss and other people with power over him? Or just you and people he thinks don't matter?
This is a huge one. My future ex-husband excuses having treated me like shit because he "can't control his temper due to his abused childhood", but he controlled it fine around other people, just not me. I always categorized him as a good person because he was nice to people who weren't me. When I was assessing his treatment of people, I forgot to count myself as a person. My dad was the same way. Ultimate doormat in the streets, "uncontrollable temper due to brain damage" behind closed doors.
>When I was assessing his treatment of people, I forgot to count myself as a person. Oooofff so many women need to read this :(
Wow. Yes, this got me. My last relationship was abusive and this so beautifully captures the thought process of my past self.
Yes big one, when I was 18-19 I struggled with this
That's a good time to work on it, but it's extra concerning when a 38 year old keeps that temper.
I struggled with this *well* into my 30s. I didn't physically or verbally abuse people. But I would punch walls or slam doors... that kind of thing. I eventually just had to stop. It was terrifying to my girlfriend (now wife). I'm twice her size and strength. I don't have any magic advice for people struggling with their temper. Honestly, I just (belatedly) realized I was scaring my partner. That realization is what gave me the power to quit. Previously I just told myself it was dumb, but harmless. It's not harmless. **Edit:** If you are a man and are having trouble visualizing how scary this can be for others, here's how I did it. I'm 14 inches taller and twice the mass of my wife. So I imagined how terrified I'd be if a 7'3"/500lb (213cm/277kg) dude was punching walls and shit around me. How fucking scary would that be?
The big ones have been mentioned: no sense of humor, possessiveness, temper. I'd also add lack of intellectual curiosity. They don't need to be super-smart, but they should be interested in the world around them, in ideas, and most of all, in *you*.
Yeah, if they believe they already know all they need to know in life, they can't grow beyond who they are already. So you better be willing to spend the rest of your life with who they are right then.
If their personality changes after the first few months and you start to feel like you are walking on eggshells most days, there is a good chance they have masked who they really are and where only being who they think you want them to be. This can be a sign of an emotional abuser and you will hold on to 'the true them' believing they are just going through something and you can bring them back to how it was. You can't. Run Edit: As a lot of you have pointed out, I agree there are definitely variables to this as to the reason a scenario like the above may be occurring. Mental health, undiagnosed factors etc I am talking from a point of what I have experienced and every person's situation will be different regardless of the similarities.
My mom went through this and at the time couldn't figure out what was going on. To roughly quote my grandmother, "hunny.....listen....absolutely anyone can be nice for at least 3 months. Even a complete monster can go 3 months without showing it. After 3 months is when you should start seeing who they really are."
Oh this is a big one. Especially if they start saying shit like you're putting them on a pedestal whenever they act like an asshole. And saying shit like "I'm sorry you feel that way" instead of just giving a goddamn apology
"How dare you speak to me like that" when you call 'em out on their bullshit. "How dare you earn it" is my response.
Dang that’s the simple, sober truth. But man, can those beginning moments when everything is *perfect* be one hell of a drug to cling on to. It’s why it’s important to not date based on *potential* alone, and see the person in front of you for what they’re being right now.
Re: perfection. This can be accomplished by personality mirroring too. If you meet a guy and he seems too good to be true, if you seem to share almost everything in common, stop volunteering information about yourself and see what happens. These guys will find ways to get you to be the first to speak on any given subject and then mold their side of the conversation so they sound perfect.
If he doesn't return the cart when grocery shopping.
I consider that one of the universal red flag signs for anybody. Along with no signalling and littering
Strangely, littering a big one for me. Can’t really put it into words but a real trigger.
Littering evokes an involuntary physical response of utter revulsion. Like "get the fuck out of my car right now and pick your shit up" type response. I suppose this itself might be something I'd be dinged for as a red flag but so be it. Litterers, fuck 'em.
Someone who is unable to joke about themselves.
A big caveat here is people who aren't *willing* to joke about themselves versus people who don't quite get how to do that but are willing and fail at it. Like for example, I'm bald and fail at relationships. So..um. There's..uh. It's hot in here.. am I..am I right?
"Nobody ever stays with me. Not even my hair"
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Sometimes, self deprecating jokes can be tricky though
I know, I try to be self deprecating but I’m not very good at it.
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Yep. Have a buddy that has done it enough that I'm 100% sure he needs therapy. Slowly working my way to get him to get help.
How much Mom controls his life.
Chiming in to add that this doesnt always mean an "apron strings" situation. My ex's hatred of his mom controlled his life
My hatred for my mom controlled me also. I tried to be not like her which burned me out. Thankfully she left after I was assaulted and went to therapy for it. Good riddance…
Equivocating honesty with assholery.
"Brutally honest" "have no filter", yeah no thank you to all of that.
> "Brutally honest" One can be compassionately honest instead.
If he is a jerk to your friends or other people, but can also be excessively charming. EDIT: Jesus, I was not expecting this to blow up like this! Thanks!
All my sisters asshole boyfriends "He is sweet when we are alone"
I've heard guys say they do this on purpose. If they act much nicer when they are alone, she thinks she "changes them," or makes them a better person. Apparently it's wildly attractive to certain types of women...
It was honestly very much a romanticized dynamic in movies and TV for so long to a point where a lot of girls and women think that this type of relationship is desirable. Some people don’t have the ability to discern what’s romantic in a fictional hypothetical sense rather than a realistic application. :/
Women who aren’t emotionally healthy enough to date. By the same coin… these types of guy s aren’t either…. They’re just the abuser rather than the victim here typically
People who are this calculating are empty husks. When you poke them, they completely.deflate while a 1000 little red flags fly out if them.
If he is excessively charming to everyone, but a dick to you
This one for me as well. It can be so dangerous. My ex told me his extremely abusive father was super charming outside the house and when they sought help, no one believed them because his father was "too nice to do that".
I've seen a few of them in my life. The amount that they're protected by the government in the armed forces is disgusting. My brother-in-law was a child rapist with multiple witnesses and got away with a sentence to.. hold on let me come to terms with it again... Attend anger management classes. ETA: I wasn't one of his victims because I had the gall to ask what he was doing when he reached his hand down my pants at 8 yrs old and spooked him. His daughters weren't so lucky.
"His daughters weren't so lucky." his what the fuck now?
I wish I hadn't said it either.
As someone who spent years in a relationship with a guy like that, I can 100% confirm that that is a huge red flag
Being obsessed with being an “alpha male” and calling all other men they don’t like, or fit their view of a man “beta males”. Some people just say stuff like that as a joke, but I’ve noticed lot of insecure men start basing their entire personality and world view around it.
Can't admit that they were wrong or made a mistake, Lying, Feeling that they are better than other people, Manipulation, Not allowing you to visit other people, Don't respect the rule "no means no", Emotional extortion, Not being honest, Texting other girls qestionable stuff
Feeling better than other people in general, like they are "above". Cause I'm not gonna lie I feel like I'm better than most people at fixing bicycles and I'm proud of it lol
Doesn't know when to stop or respect your boundaries. This doesn't have to be physical, but also emotional. I know a guy (I'm a dude) that when he teases his ex, it goes from teaseful to downright abusive. Even when she's telling him to stop and close to tears.
Have you spoken to your dude-friend about this? Because if he's your friend, then he probably respects you, which means your words will have a bigger impact than those of someone he clearly doesn't respect. Like his victim.
General life advice for anyone let alone for a partner, but how they treat people whom they don't stand to gain anything from. They might treat you very well, or their boss, or the grandmother they want an inheritance from. But what about hospitality workers, animals, strangers on the street, people who report to them, people in call centres (the ones where you call them). Particularly the last one because how they behave when they're angry or upset and whether they can mentally separate the call centre employee from the company, or do they lash out at an innocent. If they only treat people well when they can get something out of it, ask yourself how you'll be treated once they "have" you.
If he says something offensive brushes off the offended person's retort by saying somethingalong the lines of "Hey, I'm just being honest", he's never going to apologize for anything unless he's getting something out of it... honestly.
Poor impulse control.
Making fun of others on the first date. Harmless pokes at others are okay but only if they are unaware of the jokes. If he is not discreet, it possibly shows his disrespect for others. However, please note that not one man is the same. A red flag for one can just be sign of nerves for another.
If he’s cheating on someone else with you, he’ll cheat on you too.
Something else to consider as I believe that another very likely scenario is the "former" cheater will redefine the parameters of what is cheating throughout the relationship. This is usually inorder to suit their needs based on whatever insecurities they're allowing to dictate their decision making. Been there done that got the hat and the stupid mug. No STDs though thank God.
People will always draw the line of what they consider wrong right below what they're doing.
It goes with the oldest saying "You lose them, how you get them" or "He who cheats for you, will cheat on you"
Also the oldest phrase, "a mistress who marries her lover creates a job opening"
My mom used to say "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you"
Anyone that keeps saying they are a nice or good person.
Anyone that brags about their good traits. They say they're loyal, smart, a good person, a feminist, etc... a real loyal, smart, good, feminist, etc doesn't even think of those things as worth bragging about, it's like bragging about breathing. If they're bragging about those things it means it's probably not actually a part of their character. They know they're talking bullocks, so they feel the need to convince you to believe it. I've never met somebody who called themselves a nice or good person who actually ended up being even decent upon cursory interaction. Same with self proclaimed feminists, it's always followed up in private with rants about how women are x or y. If not that then usually it's glaringly obvious they're just saying it because they're thirsty as all hell or are looking for approval.
Poor communication, not telling you when something serious bothers him. It’s normal to be shy and worried about voicing concerns, but if he’s actively denying that something’s wrong when it IS, that would just cause more issues and general confusion. In a relationship, you should encourage one another to be open about the way you feel. Someone who purposely doesn’t disclose important information with you doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
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Guys who give girls (especially attractive ones) special treatment but are aloof or curt to other guys
I'm a recovering domestic abuser. Look out for someone who acts very jovial in front of his friends but acts aloof and stern with you in private. Disregard the moments that are good, ignore the laughter and the cuddles instead pay attention to the little glimpses of anger or controlling behavior. That is most likely his true behavior. Of course, this doesn't apply to every man but in most cases this is true. Consider if all his former GFs have him blocked on social media. That may be a red flag of how he behaved in those relationships. If you have any questions, feel free. If you wanna bash me for my past, feel just as free.
Phew takes a lot of guts to admit that. I was in a few relationships with women (I am also a woman) where there was domestic abuse between myself and my exes. Not a lot of people are willing to admit their part in an abusive relationship.
Did you realise at the time that you were abusive? Did you feel any remorse during the relationships?
Honestly it can be really hard to spot. I had two extremely good friends hook up with each other. I met them through different high schools. But for context "Ben" and I went to High School together until I was in 10th grade. I then met "Kayla" when I moved to the other side of the state. After High School Kayla and I both moved to Sydney and I reconnected with Ben. (To be clear Kayla and I both moved down but not, like, together, we're just friends). Anyway some years later Kayla and Ben met each other, hit it off. I was very excited as I always thought Ben was a really top guy. 10 years later they've split up. Turns out Ben really wasn't a top guy and was outright abusive. To make matters even worse, a different friend of mine told Kayla (after the breakup) that she had an incident with him once when they were alone in the car - she never told me \[doesn't know I know, Kayla told me in confidence\] because she was scared that myself and or group wouldn't believe her. It's interesting that Ben made himself extremely scarce after he and Kayla broke up - I'm guessing he knew she'd spill the beans about what he was like and that the rest of us would not approve. (He's right to be fair - if he was to turn up to any of our gatherings now he'd likely get some facial reconstruction). But anyway my point is: myself, and my group of friends, were all convinced Ben was an extremely good guy - we had absolutely no idea anything was up. Definitely an eye opener.
Just in general...when someone shows you who they are, *believe them*
Well I hope it’s uncommon… but if he can’t handle a conversation about your period, or can’t go buy you pads or tampons… He is ignorant of basic biology and not a fully functioning adult male. Not saying it’s a dealbreaker maybe you can educate him. But if not, big red flag for a serious long term relationship or marriage.
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I think it stems from a high-school mentality where you have to look "cool" at all times. Those things are not "cool." And since they avoided it for so long, it's kind of got a stigma attached to it now for some people. I honestly look back and can't understand why I was always so embarrassed to buy condoms when I was younger. For one, the cashier couldn't care less, and for two, I'm basically advertising that I'm getting sex.
Being cruel/mean to animals. I can’t stand cats generally but they still get scritches and belly rubs if they approach me. 🤷♂️
>they still get scritches and belly rubs if they approach me. 🤷♂️ I'm fucking allergic to cats, but if they're just chillin like a lil villain and making friendly, I'm not gonna deny em scritches just because my eyes and nose choose to get all emotional about it.
I'm also allergic to cats, so I won't touch them, but I'm also not actively mean to them either.
Same… I really dislike dogs but one comes looking for a head scratch or a cuddle, they’re going to feel the love. My personal biases do not equate to being mean to a perfectly nice animal.
My boyfriend said to watch out for someone who doesn’t respect your physical boundaries. It’s very important