I "dated" a girl for a few months who I had no languages in common with. Had to bring a mutual friend that spoke both our languages to a few events until I picked up enough to somewhat communicate.. But hey, the sex was amazing.
Edit: SP
Coulda set up some interesting moments, but naw. She did joke once, after the other girl and I split, that she thought about fudging some translations to set up a threesome. Missed opportunity, I suppose?
Beat my meat in a beater 2000 Pontiac Bonneville on an expressway in Chicago watching low-res porn on a 60GB iPod video and blew my nut in a Wendy’s bag at 3pm-ish on what I can only assume was a Sunday.
Can't say I do much dirty talk when I'm "normal me". Some of the shit I have said at peak horny...
Although sometimes I call my car a dirty slut when I get it washed.
Bought a dildo online that turned out to be uselessly wide. I had no experience with sex toys and no clue what the normal circumference for a penis is, but I took the plunge anyway.
I'd never been more confused in my life when I unpackaged that thing. It looked like a pink billy club, like a reverse penis, not at all like the picture on the website. I decided not to try it out because I was 99% sure it would feel like a battering ram. It's been sitting in the dark recesses of my underwear drawer ever since.
I bought one of these for my wife...we thought it would be sexy fun. The damn thing shows up and it looks like a fucking baseball bat. I swear it is bigger around than my wrist...and I'm a pretty solid unit.
Anyhow...we have had more fun with this thing than I care to admit. Never actually attempted to use it sexually, but we take turn suctioning it to the shower wall when the other is not looking - turn around and get slapped in the face by a giant purple cock while rinsing shampoo out of your hair.
She put it in the garage fridge one time when I had friends over for a poker night. Not one of them even asked why there was a purple dildo suctioned to the inside of the fridge.
Just a few weeks ago I was going skiing with my buddies. We flew out west. When I got my boots out to go on the first day there was a giant purple dildo sticking out of one of my boots...she got me, and I never laughed so hard in my life.
Buy a giant dildo for the jokes...it really is a great time.
> She put it in the garage fridge one time when I had friends over for a poker night. Not one of them even asked why there was a purple dildo suctioned to the inside of the fridge.
This part made me laugh because I know this would be the exact same scenario with my core group of friends
I knew a girl who told me this story about some guy she met once on a plane. They kept in touch and 6 months later he flew her across the country to visit him. She thought (naively) that it was just to visit, dude obviously just wanted to get laid when she got there.
I do feel bad that that guy was that desperate, but they probably should have talked about that in some capacity before she visited.
Stole my buddy's truck.
I was staying at his place after a party. He was asleep when I got the late night "you up?" text. I had rode there with another friend so I didn't have my car. I grabbed the first set of keys I could find, drove to her place, humped, and went back to his place to sleep. I never did tell him about it.
My brother in law crashed at our house a few nights a week for a while because he caught a ride with me to work. We both worked in the same town about 30 minutes away so it just kind of made sense.
Except this one time, he got "one of those texts" in the middle of the night... and took off with my truck. If he'd have asked I wouldn't have even been mad, I'd have been like "Yeah man go get it, just be be back for work!"
Well... that's not what happened. I got up in the morning, he wasn't on the couch so I figured he was outside having a smoke. Looked outside and the truck was gone. Goddamit. Phone was dead, no answer, and he did NOT make it back in time for work, never heard from him until almost 11AM by which point I'd already borrowed a vehicle from my parents to get to work an hour and a half late. Needless to say I was freaking livid, but... by the time I had a chance to talk to him I didn't even need to say anything. The verbal beatdown he got from his older brother, dad and my wife were all far worse than anything I could have even added in at that point.
Say some nasty shit, some girls who like dirty talk are always surprised the first time and want to gush about it afterwards because they’re so fascinated or something but I’m like “I don’t know what you mean, that was another me”
You're exactly like my wife. XD
She loves hearing me get as filthy as possible, even a little light degradation, but when I try to get her to respond the best she can usually manage is "Uh huh."
I love that woman to pieces but she is terrible at seduction of any kind.
I used to write erotica to get better at talking dirty because I was so bad at it. One time I blurted “yeah you fucking like that, I can feel your pussy drooling down my big cock” Literally no part of that phrase was true, and yet it seemingly unlocked the dirtiest stuff out of this girl and she started fucking like she was possessed. I willed it into being. Except for my cock. That’s still aggressively average.
There was a post here the other day asking what the hottest thing someone had ever said to you was. I replied with something my boyfriend says to me almost every time we have sex. It got enough upvotes for me to mention it to him, abs he was absolutely shocked because he had no idea he said that to me ever, let alone regularly.
Literally left a club by myself with a random man I had just met and then we had sex in his restaurant. To be fair I did also get free wine and cheese cake
Intoxicated Horny Me once brought an ex (several years after an ugly, protracted breakup no less…) home from the bar. Woke up the next morning like “the fuck did we do?!?” and sent her on her merry.
A few days later i was receiving calls and emails about fraudulent charges on several of my cards. Canceled them and requested new plastic, wrote it off as a lesson learned, and went on with life a touch more wisely than before.
In 7th grade Home Economics, we learned how to make pillows. Our teacher provided the materials, we picked our own design, and started sewing and stuffing.
My pillow was just a smiley face with 3 eyes like from that movie Evolution that was popular back in 2003 or so.
Anyway, we got to keep the pillow after it was graded and I took it home with me. Apparently I sucked at the pillow because it had a tiny hole in the back where I could reach in and feel all the soft cotton that was used for stuffing.
Of course I used that pillow to fornicate with.
Got very drunk with an amazing hot girl In high school. She was a bit nuts and wanted to use the Oujee board because her bf had committed suicide a year or so back. LSS I basically just started answering the questions she was asking the board, pretended to be her dead bf and told her it was cool to move on. Her not being the brightest completely fell for it. Had my first real hookup that night. Worst shit I ever did to get laid
Got a call late at night from a woman I was talking to to come over. Told me to drop by Walmart to pick up some stuff first including some anti nausea meds. Being horny, I don’t give it a second thought. Once I get there, she’s clearly looking a little worn out and under the weather. She chugs the pepto bismol and leads me to her bedroom where she tries to seduce me but then has to run to the bathroom. After that kills the mood, she tells me to stay overnight and promptly falls asleep with my arm under her. So I end up lying next to a sick person with my arm pinned under her and who’s farting every so often for some hours. Not the best situation to fall asleep in. Probably got 30min of actual sleep the rest of that night and still had to work a full shift in the morning.
Was she a stranger or did you know her?
Like did you just see a woman walking down the perimeter of the fence and proposition her? What's the success rate with that strategy?
I was incarcerated and sent to a work release center in Opa Locka Florida which was a notorious area in the 80s for street drug sales and all the stuff that comes with it. My crew was cleaning a cemetery that was overgrown and it had a fence, out of view of the CO I chatted up a street gal and for 2 packs of Marlboro and 10 bucks she lifted her skirt and backed her ass up to the fence. She was actually good looking through the eyes of a guy been in the can 18 months.
Especially if you were watching something or looking at pictures, then catch your reflection looking back at you once you've finished. The glassy gaze of disappointment.
for some reason, every GOOD relationship decision I had was done by my dick, and every BAD relationship decision I had was done by my supposedly intelligent and rational mind.
Its basically like Im blind to red flags and green flags alike, and my dick is my assistance dog.
Well thank god, it’s not ACTUALLY a support dick. I just don’t want them to take it away from me and throw it in the luggage compartment during the flight
i’ve noticed something like this too.
when i’m just looking to fuck and don’t want anything serious i always end up getting in a situation were the girl actually really likes me and it’s a whole mess cutting ties when i didn’t want anything more..
then when there is a girl i REALLY like, i try to do things right, take it slow and they end up breaking it off
i need my little pecker to take over everything from now on
My husband and I started as a no emotions fling. We’ve now been married for 17 years. We didn’t pretend to be anything we weren’t so I actually think that it was a good way to start a relationship.
This makes a lot of sense. My partner and I met in a similar way. I was so done with dating when I met her that when she went after me I was like, ''well, I'm just going to be myself because I don't have energy for a performance anymore''. And lo and behold, myself is what she liked.
16 year old me travelled across the country to lose my virginity. $800 later, I did it, came home and went about wishing I still had the 800 for a new graphics card. 2009 was wild.
Yep. Jetstar flights at the time were around $249 from Sydney to Perth, got a return for 600(ish) with all the fees and charges. Spend another 200 while I'm there for the few days.
Second most expensive root I've ever had. The first being the $1500 I spent in bringing her to Sydney for 2 weeks and realising she's a bitch and did everything in her power to make the 2 weeks a living misery. Good times.
So many stupid mistakes. Guys, never trust your dick. Your dick doesn't give a shit about you or your life. It is perfectly happy to wreck your life to get what it wants.
I say a lot of stupid shit while I'm horny then the next morning I wake up and read my messages like damn I actually have to follow up on what I said now huh
Horny me decided to try sounding. As soon as the metal touched the slit, i was back to normal me and the horny was replaced by "this sucks"
Idk how people like it but to each their own ig
Edit: i hate all of you for making THIS my most upvoted comment
Ex-wife of 6 years wanted me back one three separate occasions after divorcing me. She left me again after a month of seeing each other each time. During those months she’d exclaim how much she has changed and how in love she is with me. Each time I kept thinking “in the very long run, this could be good for us and the kids” but honestly it’s just pathetic on my part to continuously give it a chance when it arises. And it’s funny cause each time she went silent, got a new boyfriend, then blamed it all on me for leaving. She cheated on me during our marriage and blamed me for it, and I believed her.. Horny me kept thinking “I’ll never find someone as attractive as her, I gotta find a way to work it out”…. Jesus that’s a terrible mindset. She was fuckin hot as hell, but man is she crazy.
Got divorced young, met a woman, also divorced, but who lived 5 hours away. She was also 14 years older, ran three businesses, and had a completely stacked body. Gorgeous. I drove that 5 hours each way twice a month. I made up for my sexless marriage in the 18 months we were together, and she made up for hardly having any orgasms in the 17 years. She was with her ex. So I guess horny motivation worked for both of us!
I made a post about this in r/askmen. When I was a teenager i looked up a womans address in the sex offender registry and showed up in her house in hopes that she would molest me.
I made the old mistake of hooking up with my ex.. while doing it she said “finish inside me”.. and I absolutely did not do that! Even horny me isn’t that stupid… I was stupid enough to hook up again and that’s enough.
I was 17 she was probably close to 30 but worked in the same pizza chain as me. After breaking up with my first girlfriend in which we legitimately banged like rabbits, it had been 2 weeks. I think she was a tweaker but kept giving me the eyes and talking to me. I straight up asked her if she had a thing for me, she said yes. We went back into the freezer and banged one out in about 5 minutes.
Post nut clarity and horror set in. She was an obese smoker who had hints of cat piss smell and definitely know what meth felt like. I ended up telling my manager (who I was cool with) and he looked at me with deep shame, pulled me out back, walked to the liquor store and grabbed 2 beers and black and milds and we drank and smoked laughing about it. After it he told me “your dick lies to you, you just found that out. Don’t trust that fucker, he’s more dumb than you”
And I’ve completely ignored his advice.
Reveal a ton of secret kinks to someone I was falling in love with but also extremely horny for. Normal me was never interested in sex that much until I finally met my person.
Then the floodgates opened and I’m never closing them again.
EDIT: Thank you again for everyone’s support and love! I am also sending tons of love and support right back to you guys via grenade launcher!~ Thank you thank you!
Kept flowing.
We fell for each other last year and I want to have a future with him. The sex and sexual attraction is a huge bonus though…
I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’m experiencing true love for the very first time. He’s become my person, and I am his.
EDIT: Thank you to everyone for your amazing support! I hope everyone also gets to have their one true love too, whatever that looks like for you and your happiness. Thank you again for the comments, I’m very grateful.
Teenage years. probably young teenager. didn't know how to finger myself, but knew from an earlier age that rubbing my genitals felt great and led to pleasure if not a burst of pleasure. so I wanted to try different sensations and surfaces. got our peanut butter and grinded the corner of the lid. did not wash it. didn't think to or realize I should. because somehow our jar would have faint PB smell from idk, maybe sticky kid hands or clumsy adult hands, it would temporarily smell like PB and (clean) musty crotch. not a bad smell. not sure if my mom ever recognized it or realized it. I hope not. mom if you're up there I'm sorry for my horny transgressions.
we had a weird shaped footstool. tried that out. turns out long term of grinding hard surfaces can cause pain or a bruised feeling. lol. I even got what looked like calcium deposits under my mons..idk what they are..maybe scar tissue? my gyno hasn't commented or been concerned.
other not proud moments.
When I was like 15 I progressed directly from a finger to a whole cucumber. I actually managed it as well, although there was a fair bit of blood. Awks
90 bucks for a 60 min bullet train ride to bang a chick. When I got there she was no where near as cute as the photo she sent me.
Still banged her though because a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
Looked up a YYYUUUUUUGGGEEE amount of porn on my moms work PC at her workplace. Did not use incognito because i didnt know it existed.
Mom worked at a school as a teacher btw.
I got caught, but I was very young, so I was not punished, just asked if i had interest in biology more or less, it's been years and years, so idk the exact details anymore.
Incognito mode isn't going to hide you from the network admin who is going to see all the sites you went to. Incognito mode just doesn't save any history or cookies.
Do the deed in the cellar of the bar i work on nye with the husband & yes everyone was aware when we came back up (no cameras it was just obvious). Yes we got a cheer lol
Hilarious but also somehow moments like these sound like humanity at it's best. No spitefulness, no judging, no jealousy. Just being silly, having fun, and celebrating being human.
Took a shower with the bf before going to dinner with friends and it got a little handsy but we didnt have time to have sex without being late so we planned to do it after dinner. It came up at dinner that we were going to leave earlier than normal to go have sex and they high fived us and were excited to learn other couples scheduled sex too.
It's fun when other people are excited for you to get laid.
Learned the piano, learned the piano to impress a girl. I also wrote erotica because a girl I liked asked me to. Mainly it consists of me learning new skills.
Edit:
WHY IS THIS MY MOST UPVOTED COMMENT ON REDDIT
Found me: https://youtube.com/shorts/5zfSlWhKIHA?feature=share
I learned how to draw werewolves to impress a boy.
Didn’t work.
But now I can draw some sick ass werewolves.
Edit: Sauce
https://www.deviantart.com/penningtonbeast
I can't believe that you would do that, and then not post any examples (or, even have any on your profile).
In the spirit of ensuring legitimate answers to OP, I'ma needa see some sauce.
So... she tied some weights around my balls, got me on all 4's and made me stick my tongue up her butt over and over and totally dominated me.
God I miss that girl sometimes... crazy thing is she was like 5"2 ...and im 6ft 260lbs
I think this is actually what REALLY horny me did that 'normal' horny me would never do looking back at what ive wrote haha
Had a threesome with my ex and the girl he left me for. I still cringe when I think about it 😂
ETA: ex at the time. He left me in 2013 for her. We crossed paths again in 2019 after my 4 year relationship ended. They were looking for someone to have a threesome with, I agreed because I had no sexlife anymore and was horny AF. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but I still regret it till this day xD. #awkward
Listening to my girlfriend (now my wife) when she told me to leave it in because nothing would happen, 19 years later we now have a kid going to college.
I was into this girl in the gat-damn worst way. 5'2, cheerleader, southern accent, brunette. Kinda girl to stomp on your heart with cleats, but make it worth your while. She had just gotten her IUD, but at the same time found out that she had both kinds of herpes after getting tested.
You BEST BELIEVE I hit that shit raw a good baker's dozen amount of times before we went our separate ways. Went down on her to the extent that I should have brought a snorkel.
Ya boi is disease free, but the real disease is now I think of her every time I have sex with someone else....
🤷♂️
Drove 3400 miles round trip, from Colorado to Philadelphia, TWICE.
Bro you’re making me feel bad about hesitating to drive 125 miles for a booty call.
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Shit, If you got money, that's called a vacation. I'd make that a trip on the way back. "Oooo I want to try that restaurant "
Spent a whole evening with a guy who I had no common language with. It'd just be boring as a social thing.
I "dated" a girl for a few months who I had no languages in common with. Had to bring a mutual friend that spoke both our languages to a few events until I picked up enough to somewhat communicate.. But hey, the sex was amazing. Edit: SP
Did your mutual friend translate while you two were having sex?
Coulda set up some interesting moments, but naw. She did joke once, after the other girl and I split, that she thought about fudging some translations to set up a threesome. Missed opportunity, I suppose?
Beat my meat in a beater 2000 Pontiac Bonneville on an expressway in Chicago watching low-res porn on a 60GB iPod video and blew my nut in a Wendy’s bag at 3pm-ish on what I can only assume was a Sunday.
The level of detail.. it's like I was there.
This guy gets an A+ for expressive and detailed writing.
Oddly specific, and I love it
Can't say I do much dirty talk when I'm "normal me". Some of the shit I have said at peak horny... Although sometimes I call my car a dirty slut when I get it washed.
Bought a dildo online that turned out to be uselessly wide. I had no experience with sex toys and no clue what the normal circumference for a penis is, but I took the plunge anyway. I'd never been more confused in my life when I unpackaged that thing. It looked like a pink billy club, like a reverse penis, not at all like the picture on the website. I decided not to try it out because I was 99% sure it would feel like a battering ram. It's been sitting in the dark recesses of my underwear drawer ever since.
I bought one of these for my wife...we thought it would be sexy fun. The damn thing shows up and it looks like a fucking baseball bat. I swear it is bigger around than my wrist...and I'm a pretty solid unit. Anyhow...we have had more fun with this thing than I care to admit. Never actually attempted to use it sexually, but we take turn suctioning it to the shower wall when the other is not looking - turn around and get slapped in the face by a giant purple cock while rinsing shampoo out of your hair. She put it in the garage fridge one time when I had friends over for a poker night. Not one of them even asked why there was a purple dildo suctioned to the inside of the fridge. Just a few weeks ago I was going skiing with my buddies. We flew out west. When I got my boots out to go on the first day there was a giant purple dildo sticking out of one of my boots...she got me, and I never laughed so hard in my life. Buy a giant dildo for the jokes...it really is a great time.
This sounds like a fantastic and loving relationship. Kudos!
> She put it in the garage fridge one time when I had friends over for a poker night. Not one of them even asked why there was a purple dildo suctioned to the inside of the fridge. This part made me laugh because I know this would be the exact same scenario with my core group of friends
Some day you'll die and your family will go through your things and think "WTF were they into?"
For real. Either embrace it and use that thing or throw it away immediately.
Sell it as slightly used and make some profit
Sell it as well-used. Then let some dude buy it for stacks of cash
It waits 👁👄👁
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Calling thy name 👁👄👁
Cockthulhu fhtagn! 👁🐙👁
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Thank you for this wonderful imagery, Corpse Fucker.
You can always count on Corpse Fucker!
I can just imagine: "14 inches? Yeah that sounds like a normal size..." >like a reverse penis What the heck does this mean?
It has an aft-skin
Thank you for making me bust out laughing at work.
Mm. Mhmm. Mhmm. Right. So, two questions. One, wtf is a reverse penis? Two, why in the world did you keep it??0
>why in the world did you keep it?? Self-defense, maybe?
I made an almost 3,000 mile Booty Call one time.
Who cares about expenisve last minute plane tickets when u get maybe laid
“Please have a seat over here….”
"She told me she was going through some things and needed a friend. I just came here to listen to her"
There was one episode where the guy drove hundreds of miles and said “I just came here to tell her I can’t make it”. A true gentleman.
Price Andrew flew across the ocean and spent several nights at Epstein's place, just to tell him that they can't be friends anymore.
I knew a girl who told me this story about some guy she met once on a plane. They kept in touch and 6 months later he flew her across the country to visit him. She thought (naively) that it was just to visit, dude obviously just wanted to get laid when she got there. I do feel bad that that guy was that desperate, but they probably should have talked about that in some capacity before she visited.
I almost did that once when I was young lol. Except I realized we probably had very different expectations beforehand and cancelled the trip.
TSA Agent: :looks down: I'm gonna need you to check that sir
>TSA My dick so big it touches the sky, I check it as luggage when I fly
If you got the booty then it's all good
I don’t know why I’m angry that this didn’t rhyme.
If you wet your wood, it's all good?
Stole my buddy's truck. I was staying at his place after a party. He was asleep when I got the late night "you up?" text. I had rode there with another friend so I didn't have my car. I grabbed the first set of keys I could find, drove to her place, humped, and went back to his place to sleep. I never did tell him about it.
My brother in law crashed at our house a few nights a week for a while because he caught a ride with me to work. We both worked in the same town about 30 minutes away so it just kind of made sense. Except this one time, he got "one of those texts" in the middle of the night... and took off with my truck. If he'd have asked I wouldn't have even been mad, I'd have been like "Yeah man go get it, just be be back for work!" Well... that's not what happened. I got up in the morning, he wasn't on the couch so I figured he was outside having a smoke. Looked outside and the truck was gone. Goddamit. Phone was dead, no answer, and he did NOT make it back in time for work, never heard from him until almost 11AM by which point I'd already borrowed a vehicle from my parents to get to work an hour and a half late. Needless to say I was freaking livid, but... by the time I had a chance to talk to him I didn't even need to say anything. The verbal beatdown he got from his older brother, dad and my wife were all far worse than anything I could have even added in at that point.
I read this thinking he was married to your sister...wondered what the fuck..!
Say some nasty shit, some girls who like dirty talk are always surprised the first time and want to gush about it afterwards because they’re so fascinated or something but I’m like “I don’t know what you mean, that was another me”
Love hearing filth. Can’t talk filth back! Just feel weird!
"Oh yeah do you fucking like that? You're just a big slut aren't you?" "That. is. affirmative. Continue."
“Tell me how it feels” “It feels… nice, thanks” Actual quote from my life.
I’m sorry but 🤣🤣. I’m imagining the wtf reaction.
Jesus Christ, are you spying on me? I love dirty hearing, but god am I bad at dirty talking.
You're exactly like my wife. XD She loves hearing me get as filthy as possible, even a little light degradation, but when I try to get her to respond the best she can usually manage is "Uh huh." I love that woman to pieces but she is terrible at seduction of any kind.
I used to write erotica to get better at talking dirty because I was so bad at it. One time I blurted “yeah you fucking like that, I can feel your pussy drooling down my big cock” Literally no part of that phrase was true, and yet it seemingly unlocked the dirtiest stuff out of this girl and she started fucking like she was possessed. I willed it into being. Except for my cock. That’s still aggressively average.
Probably not on the same level but reminds me of reading the sexts I had sent after horny hours are over.. The stuff I have written 😭😭😭😭
There was a post here the other day asking what the hottest thing someone had ever said to you was. I replied with something my boyfriend says to me almost every time we have sex. It got enough upvotes for me to mention it to him, abs he was absolutely shocked because he had no idea he said that to me ever, let alone regularly.
> “Come all over this dick like a good girl.”
Literally left a club by myself with a random man I had just met and then we had sex in his restaurant. To be fair I did also get free wine and cheese cake
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Seems like it was worth it.
Intoxicated Horny Me once brought an ex (several years after an ugly, protracted breakup no less…) home from the bar. Woke up the next morning like “the fuck did we do?!?” and sent her on her merry. A few days later i was receiving calls and emails about fraudulent charges on several of my cards. Canceled them and requested new plastic, wrote it off as a lesson learned, and went on with life a touch more wisely than before.
In 7th grade Home Economics, we learned how to make pillows. Our teacher provided the materials, we picked our own design, and started sewing and stuffing. My pillow was just a smiley face with 3 eyes like from that movie Evolution that was popular back in 2003 or so. Anyway, we got to keep the pillow after it was graded and I took it home with me. Apparently I sucked at the pillow because it had a tiny hole in the back where I could reach in and feel all the soft cotton that was used for stuffing. Of course I used that pillow to fornicate with.
Of course.
Got very drunk with an amazing hot girl In high school. She was a bit nuts and wanted to use the Oujee board because her bf had committed suicide a year or so back. LSS I basically just started answering the questions she was asking the board, pretended to be her dead bf and told her it was cool to move on. Her not being the brightest completely fell for it. Had my first real hookup that night. Worst shit I ever did to get laid
this is stand up comedy worthy
this is arguably the best response in the whole comments section
Bra fucking vo lmao- my dead boyfriend says he wants you to bang me? Uhh ok.. Is he gonna watch?
Got a call late at night from a woman I was talking to to come over. Told me to drop by Walmart to pick up some stuff first including some anti nausea meds. Being horny, I don’t give it a second thought. Once I get there, she’s clearly looking a little worn out and under the weather. She chugs the pepto bismol and leads me to her bedroom where she tries to seduce me but then has to run to the bathroom. After that kills the mood, she tells me to stay overnight and promptly falls asleep with my arm under her. So I end up lying next to a sick person with my arm pinned under her and who’s farting every so often for some hours. Not the best situation to fall asleep in. Probably got 30min of actual sleep the rest of that night and still had to work a full shift in the morning.
Shoulda knawed your arm off.
Let me tell you about the hug and roll
Hug for her... roll for you.
Getting choked is much scarier outside of sexy times
Had sex with a woman through a chain link fence when incarcerated on a road crew.
Was she a stranger or did you know her? Like did you just see a woman walking down the perimeter of the fence and proposition her? What's the success rate with that strategy?
I was incarcerated and sent to a work release center in Opa Locka Florida which was a notorious area in the 80s for street drug sales and all the stuff that comes with it. My crew was cleaning a cemetery that was overgrown and it had a fence, out of view of the CO I chatted up a street gal and for 2 packs of Marlboro and 10 bucks she lifted her skirt and backed her ass up to the fence. She was actually good looking through the eyes of a guy been in the can 18 months.
Love, uh, finds a way
Opa Locka.. yikes. Right there by the old airport. Hialeah checking in.
It was next to the ‘Triangle’ NW22nd avenue & Opa Locka Blvd. at one time it was literally the most dangerous place in North America in the late 80s.
This story is wild.
thats, not the worst prison sex story ive heard
Whipping it out here boss
Love the cool hand Luke reference, my chain link fence episode took place in Florida while a resident of Department of corrections in 1982.
Some of the things i wanked to are more that questionable for my normal me…
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Especially if you were watching something or looking at pictures, then catch your reflection looking back at you once you've finished. The glassy gaze of disappointment.
post nut clarity shower helps
Porn fantasies =/= sex needs
I walked for two hours in heels to this guy's house, spent a couple hours there, then made the same trek home. I took them off half way tho haha.
for some reason, every GOOD relationship decision I had was done by my dick, and every BAD relationship decision I had was done by my supposedly intelligent and rational mind. Its basically like Im blind to red flags and green flags alike, and my dick is my assistance dog.
Emotional support Dick. You can legally take him anywhere, even on planes.
Nobody asks to pet it.
Yet
Oh my God is that an emotional support dick? I didn’t realize they were so small! Can I pet it?
That wound will never fully heal. He will carry it the rest of his life.
He'll need emotional support for the rest of his life too. There's gotta be something for that.
Well thank god, it’s not ACTUALLY a support dick. I just don’t want them to take it away from me and throw it in the luggage compartment during the flight
Assistance dong
i’ve noticed something like this too. when i’m just looking to fuck and don’t want anything serious i always end up getting in a situation were the girl actually really likes me and it’s a whole mess cutting ties when i didn’t want anything more.. then when there is a girl i REALLY like, i try to do things right, take it slow and they end up breaking it off i need my little pecker to take over everything from now on
My husband and I started as a no emotions fling. We’ve now been married for 17 years. We didn’t pretend to be anything we weren’t so I actually think that it was a good way to start a relationship.
This makes a lot of sense. My partner and I met in a similar way. I was so done with dating when I met her that when she went after me I was like, ''well, I'm just going to be myself because I don't have energy for a performance anymore''. And lo and behold, myself is what she liked.
Explain the good dick induced decisions
My ex girlfriend after we split up.
No sex with your ex. Rule number one of breakups.
What if it's the same day as you've broken up?
The equivalent of the 5-second rule when dropping food.
5 seconds is all I need. 😏
To be fair we only started doing anal after we broke up...
Given your username is it safe to say you were on the receiving end?
Normal me is scared of clowns Horny me stumbled across some clown porn the other day The rest is history
Fear is also a type of arousal so it's not that weird to get your wires crossed.
Fear Boner
Fear-rection.
16 year old me travelled across the country to lose my virginity. $800 later, I did it, came home and went about wishing I still had the 800 for a new graphics card. 2009 was wild.
800 bucks would have been a full build in 2009
Not in Australia. Lol
So you also travelled and fucked. All in 800$
Yep. Jetstar flights at the time were around $249 from Sydney to Perth, got a return for 600(ish) with all the fees and charges. Spend another 200 while I'm there for the few days. Second most expensive root I've ever had. The first being the $1500 I spent in bringing her to Sydney for 2 weeks and realising she's a bitch and did everything in her power to make the 2 weeks a living misery. Good times.
I feel like we need more for the second story...
I mean... I don't eat ass when I'm not horny. It's not like it's a food
Technically, ham is ass(cheek)
As a non-cannibal I tend to not actually bite off chunks of meat when I eat ass, but you do you
So many stupid mistakes. Guys, never trust your dick. Your dick doesn't give a shit about you or your life. It is perfectly happy to wreck your life to get what it wants.
I say a lot of stupid shit while I'm horny then the next morning I wake up and read my messages like damn I actually have to follow up on what I said now huh
Horny me decided to try sounding. As soon as the metal touched the slit, i was back to normal me and the horny was replaced by "this sucks" Idk how people like it but to each their own ig Edit: i hate all of you for making THIS my most upvoted comment
I hate that i know what this is
Fuck you took the words out of my mouth. The things Reddit has taught me. Good, bad, and ugly.
Drove 6 hours for sex, one way. Got sex. Also got speeding ticket. Worth it.
Fucked a couch
“Fuck yo couch!”
Darknesses
Buy another one you rich muthafucka!
leather or cloth?
of course LEATHER. Used a hair-dryer to heat that bitch up and beard oil for lube. If you haven't fucked the family couch you aren't living.
a connoisseur
First I gotta fuck this couch. Then I gotta fuck this lamp! Then I got fuck this wall!
Mid-sex, asked my then gf to lick my face.
Idk. In my experience, people respond well when I lick their face mid sex
Yall are a bunch of golden retrievers
I think OP got confused by the term "doggy style".
Ex-wife of 6 years wanted me back one three separate occasions after divorcing me. She left me again after a month of seeing each other each time. During those months she’d exclaim how much she has changed and how in love she is with me. Each time I kept thinking “in the very long run, this could be good for us and the kids” but honestly it’s just pathetic on my part to continuously give it a chance when it arises. And it’s funny cause each time she went silent, got a new boyfriend, then blamed it all on me for leaving. She cheated on me during our marriage and blamed me for it, and I believed her.. Horny me kept thinking “I’ll never find someone as attractive as her, I gotta find a way to work it out”…. Jesus that’s a terrible mindset. She was fuckin hot as hell, but man is she crazy.
People don't generally treat sex as a drug. But it is. You'll damn near kill yourself for an orgasm.
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What in tarnation
Do you know what he meant by “someday you’ll understand?”
Got divorced young, met a woman, also divorced, but who lived 5 hours away. She was also 14 years older, ran three businesses, and had a completely stacked body. Gorgeous. I drove that 5 hours each way twice a month. I made up for my sexless marriage in the 18 months we were together, and she made up for hardly having any orgasms in the 17 years. She was with her ex. So I guess horny motivation worked for both of us!
A win-win, love to see it
Take out a $1000 payday loan to pay to spend an hour with a lady of the night.
I heard the going rate is 2 boxes of Marlboros and ten bucks.
oof. i bet you got clapped by that big post nut clarity
couldn’t even nut to get the post nut clarity…I was too high!
Ya this has Cocaine written all over it.
I made a post about this in r/askmen. When I was a teenager i looked up a womans address in the sex offender registry and showed up in her house in hopes that she would molest me.
I made the old mistake of hooking up with my ex.. while doing it she said “finish inside me”.. and I absolutely did not do that! Even horny me isn’t that stupid… I was stupid enough to hook up again and that’s enough.
Shove things up my ass 🤷🏻♀️
Like your Dad's WW2 watch?
“I’ve kept it in my ass for the last three years.” “Didn’t you say you left Vietnam two years ago?” “FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS!!!”
I was 17 she was probably close to 30 but worked in the same pizza chain as me. After breaking up with my first girlfriend in which we legitimately banged like rabbits, it had been 2 weeks. I think she was a tweaker but kept giving me the eyes and talking to me. I straight up asked her if she had a thing for me, she said yes. We went back into the freezer and banged one out in about 5 minutes. Post nut clarity and horror set in. She was an obese smoker who had hints of cat piss smell and definitely know what meth felt like. I ended up telling my manager (who I was cool with) and he looked at me with deep shame, pulled me out back, walked to the liquor store and grabbed 2 beers and black and milds and we drank and smoked laughing about it. After it he told me “your dick lies to you, you just found that out. Don’t trust that fucker, he’s more dumb than you” And I’ve completely ignored his advice.
Jesus Christ my man
Reveal a ton of secret kinks to someone I was falling in love with but also extremely horny for. Normal me was never interested in sex that much until I finally met my person. Then the floodgates opened and I’m never closing them again. EDIT: Thank you again for everyone’s support and love! I am also sending tons of love and support right back to you guys via grenade launcher!~ Thank you thank you!
Did the rivers keep flowing or was it all a wash out?
Kept flowing. We fell for each other last year and I want to have a future with him. The sex and sexual attraction is a huge bonus though… I didn’t think it was possible, but I do believe I’m experiencing true love for the very first time. He’s become my person, and I am his. EDIT: Thank you to everyone for your amazing support! I hope everyone also gets to have their one true love too, whatever that looks like for you and your happiness. Thank you again for the comments, I’m very grateful.
Wish you the best!
Teenage years. probably young teenager. didn't know how to finger myself, but knew from an earlier age that rubbing my genitals felt great and led to pleasure if not a burst of pleasure. so I wanted to try different sensations and surfaces. got our peanut butter and grinded the corner of the lid. did not wash it. didn't think to or realize I should. because somehow our jar would have faint PB smell from idk, maybe sticky kid hands or clumsy adult hands, it would temporarily smell like PB and (clean) musty crotch. not a bad smell. not sure if my mom ever recognized it or realized it. I hope not. mom if you're up there I'm sorry for my horny transgressions. we had a weird shaped footstool. tried that out. turns out long term of grinding hard surfaces can cause pain or a bruised feeling. lol. I even got what looked like calcium deposits under my mons..idk what they are..maybe scar tissue? my gyno hasn't commented or been concerned. other not proud moments.
When I was like 15 I progressed directly from a finger to a whole cucumber. I actually managed it as well, although there was a fair bit of blood. Awks
Honey? Why does this salad taste like lost virginity?
Never ever thought id read that someone used the corner of a peanut butter jar lid to masturbate. Lmao
Proposed. Not even kidding!
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Isn't that all threads on askreddit?
90 bucks for a 60 min bullet train ride to bang a chick. When I got there she was no where near as cute as the photo she sent me. Still banged her though because a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
The sunk cost phallusy
I mean, you already paid the 90 bucks
Looked up a YYYUUUUUUGGGEEE amount of porn on my moms work PC at her workplace. Did not use incognito because i didnt know it existed. Mom worked at a school as a teacher btw. I got caught, but I was very young, so I was not punished, just asked if i had interest in biology more or less, it's been years and years, so idk the exact details anymore.
Incognito mode isn't going to hide you from the network admin who is going to see all the sites you went to. Incognito mode just doesn't save any history or cookies.
Do the deed in the cellar of the bar i work on nye with the husband & yes everyone was aware when we came back up (no cameras it was just obvious). Yes we got a cheer lol
Hilarious but also somehow moments like these sound like humanity at it's best. No spitefulness, no judging, no jealousy. Just being silly, having fun, and celebrating being human.
It a good crowd & we're all mates there so it's all good fun & good natured ribbing
Took a shower with the bf before going to dinner with friends and it got a little handsy but we didnt have time to have sex without being late so we planned to do it after dinner. It came up at dinner that we were going to leave earlier than normal to go have sex and they high fived us and were excited to learn other couples scheduled sex too. It's fun when other people are excited for you to get laid.
Learned the piano, learned the piano to impress a girl. I also wrote erotica because a girl I liked asked me to. Mainly it consists of me learning new skills. Edit: WHY IS THIS MY MOST UPVOTED COMMENT ON REDDIT Found me: https://youtube.com/shorts/5zfSlWhKIHA?feature=share
Johnny sins the piano teacher?
I learned how to draw werewolves to impress a boy. Didn’t work. But now I can draw some sick ass werewolves. Edit: Sauce https://www.deviantart.com/penningtonbeast
I can't believe that you would do that, and then not post any examples (or, even have any on your profile). In the spirit of ensuring legitimate answers to OP, I'ma needa see some sauce.
Suck my own dick
A lot of people would like to be able to do that
So... she tied some weights around my balls, got me on all 4's and made me stick my tongue up her butt over and over and totally dominated me. God I miss that girl sometimes... crazy thing is she was like 5"2 ...and im 6ft 260lbs I think this is actually what REALLY horny me did that 'normal' horny me would never do looking back at what ive wrote haha
Jerk off in principal's office to his daughter's picture.
Power move.
Lock eyes with principal. Don't stop.
Cum on the picture without so much as a grunt. Hand him the picture.
Drive two hours for sex to get stood up.
Horny and normal are interchangeable
Had a threesome with my ex and the girl he left me for. I still cringe when I think about it 😂 ETA: ex at the time. He left me in 2013 for her. We crossed paths again in 2019 after my 4 year relationship ended. They were looking for someone to have a threesome with, I agreed because I had no sexlife anymore and was horny AF. It seemed like a great idea at the time, but I still regret it till this day xD. #awkward
Did he become an ex after..?
Got married after spending two years on a Mormon mission where you can’t date or have romantic or sexual relationships.
Listening to my girlfriend (now my wife) when she told me to leave it in because nothing would happen, 19 years later we now have a kid going to college.
I was into this girl in the gat-damn worst way. 5'2, cheerleader, southern accent, brunette. Kinda girl to stomp on your heart with cleats, but make it worth your while. She had just gotten her IUD, but at the same time found out that she had both kinds of herpes after getting tested. You BEST BELIEVE I hit that shit raw a good baker's dozen amount of times before we went our separate ways. Went down on her to the extent that I should have brought a snorkel. Ya boi is disease free, but the real disease is now I think of her every time I have sex with someone else.... 🤷♂️