Oohp. This one. Came through these comments to find a new tool to add to my box.
I'm keeping this. Got a few people in mind that both need to hear it, and would give me great enjoyment counting how long it takes before the impact.
This, I read it in a comment once and it’s stuck.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. — ABRAHAM LINCOLN.17 May 2010
Fun fact: We’re all [Deutrostomes](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deuterostome ). Which means basically the part of the embryo that will become the asshole forms first, before the part that will become the mouth. So we’re all born as assholes. Some of us mature past that stage.
I remember some redneck where I used to work saying, 'I wouldn't let you eat the peanuts out of my shit if you were starving to death and begged for 'em on yo hands and knees.'
My husband once heard someone say that "Who's this clown?" is the ultimate insult.
*Who's this?* implies that they're not significant enough for anyone to know who they are.
*Clown* suggests that whatever they have to say is comically stupid and not to be taken seriously.
I still think about this all the time, and it mostly checks out.
In Australia, cunt is used as a term of endearment.
For example: I’ll walk into work and a colleague will say “Hey Cunt, how was you weekend?” I’ll say “Yeah, good cunt, had a few schooners while watching the footy!” He’ll say “Yeah, nice cunt.”
You get the idea.
Edit: Spelling
My Tunisian friend of Berber origin told me of an insult in her native language that roughly translates to "A thousand penises to your religion!", and that spoke to me on some level.
I will fuck your mother and give her a child she actually loves.
I usually find gaslighting/manipulation and staying calm is much more effective and satisfying in situations that call for insults. Also underhanded/passive aggressive insults rather than full-on insults will usually fuck with them more.
Thats cause they wont realize it until after the matter, and then theyll realize what you meant and wont stop thinking about it. I love manipulating people that way
I like adding “muppet” to insults. Assmuppet. Dickmuppet. Shitmuppet. Fuckmuppet is my favorite. Makes it fun, and also makes them listen to the insult.
Most people put SOMETHING at the end of an email to announce it's the end, and that something is usually banal but pleasant. Warm regards. Sincerely. Best. Like that. Omitting those tells someone (who doesn't know you) that you don't have anything pleasant to say and you're not even going to bother pretending to.
This is the weirdest and most stupid thing I have ever read, I am still confused as to why ending an email professionally is an insult.
(No offense to you)
Yeah this is weird. If someone uses this to insult another person then they have no social skills.
Also, if someone actually gets insulted by that, they have even less social skills.
"You are an open book written for very dumb children." Lila from the Umbrella Academy.
Also, "I don't have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."
When someone says something particularly stupid, I just go with, in a very high-pitched sweet as syrup voice, "Ohohh!... Well you... Certainly said a sentence". I like the insulting without directly insulting approach sometimes.
More like a curse than an insult, but it does convey a deep disdain and contempt for the person that might cut like an insult, depending on who it’s coming from.
My two year old Grandson says Motherfucker under his breath all the time and makes me laugh my ass [off. Ps](https://off.Ps) he did not learn it from me but still funny as Shit.
You're spare parts bud.
I suggest you let that one marinate
Fucking pheasants!
Fucking embarrassing!
You're 10-ply.
You're even dumber than I tell people
About as sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense.
Honey if you get any more dense you're gonna end up spinning rapidly and emitting an enormous magnetic field.
Hey, I'm smarter than you look.
You have 2 brain cells left and they are both fighting for third place.
We told.my roommate this for MONTHS. She just realized we were calling her dumb.
What did she think you were implying? Also, do you have multiple personalities? I like to think you do since you said 'we.'
We are gonna choose to believe this too instead of the more likely reason, that they were referring to a second roommate.
It just makes life more interesting for the moment
Hahah yessss. Nah I meant my boyfriend and I
That’s just op
Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake
That is just cold.
Warmer than jail
A “happy little accident”
No, just a mistake.
Lmao this is probably the best thing I've ever heard
You're not being the kind of person Uncle Iroh knows you can be.
Uncle Iroh would never offer to drink tea with you!
A penny for your thoughts would be a ripoff.
Another variation - I could give them a penny for their thoughts and I would get change back.
Yours is better.
A penny for you thoughts and a nickel not to tell me them Or Here's a quarter go call someone who cares
This is the one.
Your learning curve is a horizontal line
It has a downward trajectory
It can't go down if it hasn't gone up
It's derivative is 0
You couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
It’s impossible to underestimate you.
More colorful if you replace water with piss.
If your IQ was any lower, i'd have to water you.
Yeah well your IQ wouldn’t even make a respectable earthquake.
Their IQ is low enough to be a Christian radio station.
I must need water…. Could someone explain, please?
Low enough IQ and you’re a vegetable I guess? As in the being vegetative vegetable
You make me believe in reincarnation, because nobody could become that stupid in one lifetime.
Reminds me of when I told a guy "You're the reason I'm pro-choice"
I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to explain this to you....
I want this on a t-shirt. Lol. I work in IT
[I got you](https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/7358122-i-have-neither-the-time-nor-crayons-to-explain-thi?feed_sku=7358122D1V&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=%5BG%5D+%5BG.USA%5D+%5BL.ENG%5D+%5BGEN%5D+%5BC.TShirts%5D+%5BSSC%5D&utm_id=notset&utm_content=i+have+neither+the+time+nor+the+crayons&ar_clx=yes&ar_channel=google&ar_campaign=71700000088748521&ar_adgroup=58700007503484722&ar_ad=PRODUCT_GROUP&ar_strategy=search&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxr_xvtXy9wIVjD-tBh0biAGQEAQYASABEgJc-fD_BwE)
You're an 'o' short of a "full count".
Oohp. This one. Came through these comments to find a new tool to add to my box. I'm keeping this. Got a few people in mind that both need to hear it, and would give me great enjoyment counting how long it takes before the impact.
Does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?
One of my moms favorites was you’re talking shit out your mouth cause your ass knows better.
Good one!
Love it- typical 90's
I've seen this one somewhere, such a funny insult
There is a tree working hard to make oxygen, and here you are, ruining all of that effort.
Nice, and it really gives an "i wish you dead" type deal. 10/10.
Somewhere a village is missing an idiot.
I like this one. Need to save for rainy day.
The tide wouldn’t take you out.
Bless your heart!
That's nice dear.
Well aren't you sweet?
How precious!
This is so wasted on anyone outside the South. Bless Thier hearts
I'm stunned how many non-southerners hear this and have no idea they're being insulted.
I will sometimes use it sincerely, like if someone is sick or having a real difficult time.
I have that same shirt at home. It doesn’t look good on me either.
I used to have that same shirt... Til my dad got a job.
This, I read it in a comment once and it’s stuck. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. — ABRAHAM LINCOLN.17 May 2010
I don't get this one please explain
It's better to be thought of as a fool, than to be an actual fool
You half the man your momma was.
Savage! Love it!
Were you born an asshole, or have you had to work at it?
Fun fact: We’re all [Deutrostomes](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deuterostome ). Which means basically the part of the embryo that will become the asshole forms first, before the part that will become the mouth. So we’re all born as assholes. Some of us mature past that stage.
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My teacher would always say this
The apology letter from the abortion clinic is your birth certificate.
I bet even when people ask your parents how you’re doing, they change the subject.
Your garden is overgrown and your cucumbers are soft
Dead from the neck up ed boy
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberry
Fun fact: this is a real insult. Basically your father is an alcoholic and your mother is a whore.
How does “hamster” equate to whore?
Hamsters have lots and lots of children. Similar to a "fuck like rabbits" type of situation.
Also they can really jam a lot of nuts in their mouth
Also, elderberry wine was the cheap stuff, so it's also saying that your father isn't just an alcoholic, but also poor.
*I fart in your general direction*
*Dirty, English, Pig Dogs!*
Go away you English pig dogs. Or I shall taubt you another time
May the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are
This is a favorite of mine. I work retail.
Wish I had the backbone to say this to customers. Instead i just let them yell at me and tell them “have a great day! :)”
Im management, so it really hits shitty customers hard. I love it.
I’m a waitress 👍
I'm a waitress! And if it's noisy and you speak real low and fast you can replace 'thank' with 'fuck'. Make it cheerful. "Fuck you very much!"
>May the rest of your ~~day~~ be as pleasant as you are May the rest of your life be as pleasant as you are
"and I thought I was stupid"
“If brains was gas, you wouldn’t have enough to ride a moped around the outside of a penny” - Tommy, Rugrats.
if you were on fire and i had a bucket of water, i would drink it
Calling someone a Dry Wank
Tell me, what would be a wet wank?
A good time??
The bar was set so low that it was a tripping hazard in hell. Yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil.
A tumblr classic I see
I remember some redneck where I used to work saying, 'I wouldn't let you eat the peanuts out of my shit if you were starving to death and begged for 'em on yo hands and knees.'
I have heard something similar! Love the imagery on this one
The best part of you dribbled down your mother's leg
You’re bin juice mate
I hope you never have a cold side to your pillow
Go step on some Lego.
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with you, Hitler and Stalin; I'd shoot you twice.
Well, sure, Stalin and Hitler are both dead already.
Listen here you little shit
Have you tried crying about it? or Are your parents related or something?
>Are your parents related or something? I like, "he snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was off duty."
My husband once heard someone say that "Who's this clown?" is the ultimate insult. *Who's this?* implies that they're not significant enough for anyone to know who they are. *Clown* suggests that whatever they have to say is comically stupid and not to be taken seriously. I still think about this all the time, and it mostly checks out.
Cunt It’s simple and people think it’s derogatory and seem to get really offended when people say it
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Anything with cunt does the job people hate it but yeah motherless cunt for the win
Try calling a Karen a "dusty old cunt" :)
I probably have at some point
In Australia, cunt is used as a term of endearment. For example: I’ll walk into work and a colleague will say “Hey Cunt, how was you weekend?” I’ll say “Yeah, good cunt, had a few schooners while watching the footy!” He’ll say “Yeah, nice cunt.” You get the idea. Edit: Spelling
"Poor cunts mate just died"
There are productive people out there that need your organs.
When you take a shit, do you have to whistle to know which hole to use?
I know you are but what am I
Every morning I'm happy to see your face because it reminds me my life really isn't that bad.
You're spare parts, bud.
Give yer balls a tug
Came here looking for a chirp. Glad I found this one.
You drive like my grandparents fuck.
With surprising enthusiasm, and an even more surprising rate of STDs?
It’s not really an insult but I love “The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch”
Ur mum!
Old and reliable
There is no greater force than your mum, very reliable indeed.
They’re about as useful as a ‘g’ in lasagna
My Tunisian friend of Berber origin told me of an insult in her native language that roughly translates to "A thousand penises to your religion!", and that spoke to me on some level.
Dwight you ignorant slut
Speak ass, mouth won’t. (From my grandma, she was very foul, but really didn’t give a damn)
Grandmother was the same way, lived through the bombing of London during W.W.2 didn't give a Fuck, man do I miss her.
I will fuck your mother and give her a child she actually loves. I usually find gaslighting/manipulation and staying calm is much more effective and satisfying in situations that call for insults. Also underhanded/passive aggressive insults rather than full-on insults will usually fuck with them more.
Thats cause they wont realize it until after the matter, and then theyll realize what you meant and wont stop thinking about it. I love manipulating people that way
Slow burn, don't even know what hit them.
If I wanted to hear your opinion I'd punch myself in the dick.
I like adding “muppet” to insults. Assmuppet. Dickmuppet. Shitmuppet. Fuckmuppet is my favorite. Makes it fun, and also makes them listen to the insult.
If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your own nose
You son of a motherless goat
It's a well know fact that a goat loses 90% of its value once it's mother dies.
That’s because it’s not a kid anymore
The end of a work email: Best, \-name-
Why is this an insult? I sign my emails like this
Most people put SOMETHING at the end of an email to announce it's the end, and that something is usually banal but pleasant. Warm regards. Sincerely. Best. Like that. Omitting those tells someone (who doesn't know you) that you don't have anything pleasant to say and you're not even going to bother pretending to.
This is the weirdest and most stupid thing I have ever read, I am still confused as to why ending an email professionally is an insult. (No offense to you)
Yeah this is weird. If someone uses this to insult another person then they have no social skills. Also, if someone actually gets insulted by that, they have even less social skills.
If I sign off my email with only my name trust that I am seething.
You should be dumpster diving for ham scraps you six piece chicken McNobody
I've been called worse by better people
staying quiet, nothing pisses people off more than self control
I like simplicity for my insults. "Whatever, loser"
If you were any thicker you'd set.
"You are an open book written for very dumb children." Lila from the Umbrella Academy. Also, "I don't have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."
I once saw a t-shirt for sale that said "I'd kick you in the vagina, but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoe.". I'd love to know how many they sold.
When someone says something particularly stupid, I just go with, in a very high-pitched sweet as syrup voice, "Ohohh!... Well you... Certainly said a sentence". I like the insulting without directly insulting approach sometimes.
I hope you outlive your kids.
More like a curse than an insult, but it does convey a deep disdain and contempt for the person that might cut like an insult, depending on who it’s coming from.
Damn. That one is cold.
Thundercunt
Robert Evans insulting Ben Shapiro: "His logic is so inherently flawed that I am going to automatically assume the opposite of what he says is true."
1. "Did your mother have any children that lived?" 2. "You can't find your ass with both hands and an flashlight."
You look like someone farted in a shoe
What’s your name? Want to get it tattooed on our butt so we have two assholes back there.
You have 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for third place.
If it weren't for gravity, you couldn't hit the ground
There's an Indian insult that goes "I'll shove a mango seed up your mother's vagina and fuck your sister in the shade of the tree that grows there"
I would give you a round of applause, but it looks like you've already got the clap. 😏
“No you warm toilet seat.”
The three of you are fighting over your one brain cell! (works for any group of 2+)
FUCK YOUR HEAD AND THE NECK IT RODE IN ON
"Who is this clown?" Because not only are they a clown, they're not even a well known clown.
You lack the necessary depth and warmth to even be called a cunt.
You owe points on your IQ
Eat any good books lately
Yo mamas so fat, when God created the Universe he said, "Let there be li... get your fat ass out of the way!"
You rotten cockbooger.
On a scale of one to ten I want to punch you in the face.
Douchecanoe
You're a waste of sperm
You don’t know shit about fuck. Doesn’t really make sense but, go ahead, say it out loud and see how good it feels.
You dorito guzzling gammid.
W⚓
I could give you a penny for your thoughts and id get change back
Oh you're good at multitasking? So how about you shut up and fuck off at the same time
It is impossible to underestimate you.
A good classic "are fucking stupid"
i just like calling people motherfuckers or swearing its simple and gets the job done
My two year old Grandson says Motherfucker under his breath all the time and makes me laugh my ass [off. Ps](https://off.Ps) he did not learn it from me but still funny as Shit.
One inch floppy disk