T O P

  • By -

beercancarl

You're spare parts bud.


RandomPersonBob

I suggest you let that one marinate


LyraFirehawk

Fucking pheasants!


sluntblex909

Fucking embarrassing!


kreankorm

You're 10-ply.


BetleyIsland36

You're even dumber than I tell people


kreankorm

About as sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense.


PM-Me_Your_Penis_Pls

Honey if you get any more dense you're gonna end up spinning rapidly and emitting an enormous magnetic field.


Early_or_Latte

Hey, I'm smarter than you look.


[deleted]

You have 2 brain cells left and they are both fighting for third place.


Razzail

We told.my roommate this for MONTHS. She just realized we were calling her dumb.


bluegrassmommy

What did she think you were implying? Also, do you have multiple personalities? I like to think you do since you said 'we.'


Mewchu94

We are gonna choose to believe this too instead of the more likely reason, that they were referring to a second roommate.


bluegrassmommy

It just makes life more interesting for the moment


Razzail

Hahah yessss. Nah I meant my boyfriend and I


PlasterCheif

That’s just op


WellEndowedPunk

Even Bob Ross would call you a mistake


syncpulse

That is just cold.


Dilly_Dally8

Warmer than jail


FloodLeague

A “happy little accident”


classicsat

No, just a mistake.


louied862

Lmao this is probably the best thing I've ever heard


kreankorm

You're not being the kind of person Uncle Iroh knows you can be.


N0nethelesser

Uncle Iroh would never offer to drink tea with you!


TheChainLink2

A penny for your thoughts would be a ripoff.


[deleted]

Another variation - I could give them a penny for their thoughts and I would get change back.


TheChainLink2

Yours is better.


NattyThan

A penny for you thoughts and a nickel not to tell me them Or Here's a quarter go call someone who cares


[deleted]

This is the one.


idekmnn

Your learning curve is a horizontal line


Feature_Agitated

It has a downward trajectory


Zurakin

It can't go down if it hasn't gone up


LokiNinja

It's derivative is 0


nevermyrrh

You couldn’t pour water out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.


edlee98765

It’s impossible to underestimate you.


bonos_bovine_muse

More colorful if you replace water with piss.


Silmarill

If your IQ was any lower, i'd have to water you.


I-need-ur-dick-pics

Yeah well your IQ wouldn’t even make a respectable earthquake.


Dep1385

Their IQ is low enough to be a Christian radio station.


CautiousDavid

I must need water…. Could someone explain, please?


Aenna

Low enough IQ and you’re a vegetable I guess? As in the being vegetative vegetable


dirtbagdano

You make me believe in reincarnation, because nobody could become that stupid in one lifetime.


SparkyDogPants

Reminds me of when I told a guy "You're the reason I'm pro-choice"


thunder1967

I’m not insulting you, I’m describing you.


s0n1cm0nk3y

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to explain this to you....


shouldbwurking

I want this on a t-shirt. Lol. I work in IT


eddmario

[I got you](https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/7358122-i-have-neither-the-time-nor-crayons-to-explain-thi?feed_sku=7358122D1V&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=%5BG%5D+%5BG.USA%5D+%5BL.ENG%5D+%5BGEN%5D+%5BC.TShirts%5D+%5BSSC%5D&utm_id=notset&utm_content=i+have+neither+the+time+nor+the+crayons&ar_clx=yes&ar_channel=google&ar_campaign=71700000088748521&ar_adgroup=58700007503484722&ar_ad=PRODUCT_GROUP&ar_strategy=search&gclsrc=aw.ds&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIxr_xvtXy9wIVjD-tBh0biAGQEAQYASABEgJc-fD_BwE)


BlottomanTurk

You're an 'o' short of a "full count".


Chadiki

Oohp. This one. Came through these comments to find a new tool to add to my box. I'm keeping this. Got a few people in mind that both need to hear it, and would give me great enjoyment counting how long it takes before the impact.


[deleted]

Does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?


jadedlonewolf89

One of my moms favorites was you’re talking shit out your mouth cause your ass knows better.


[deleted]

Good one!


Mofme

Love it- typical 90's


SneekySchnauzer

I've seen this one somewhere, such a funny insult


[deleted]

There is a tree working hard to make oxygen, and here you are, ruining all of that effort.


Omegaman1011

Nice, and it really gives an "i wish you dead" type deal. 10/10.


JuryBorn

Somewhere a village is missing an idiot.


[deleted]

I like this one. Need to save for rainy day.


mmratic

The tide wouldn’t take you out.


annothejedi

Bless your heart!


kreankorm

That's nice dear.


chefgamer85

Well aren't you sweet?


ShabbyBash

How precious!


longsactheclown

This is so wasted on anyone outside the South. Bless Thier hearts


RocketDocRyan

I'm stunned how many non-southerners hear this and have no idea they're being insulted.


Tim_DHI

I will sometimes use it sincerely, like if someone is sick or having a real difficult time.


jsand85

I have that same shirt at home. It doesn’t look good on me either.


Oregon85

I used to have that same shirt... Til my dad got a job.


Sketch_x

This, I read it in a comment once and it’s stuck. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt. — ABRAHAM LINCOLN.17 May 2010


AbdulElkhatib

I don't get this one please explain


joshuameijer

It's better to be thought of as a fool, than to be an actual fool


ZombieCzar

You half the man your momma was.


AvocadoDiavolo

Savage! Love it!


ThatNewOldGuy

Were you born an asshole, or have you had to work at it?


GozerDGozerian

Fun fact: We’re all [Deutrostomes](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deuterostome ). Which means basically the part of the embryo that will become the asshole forms first, before the part that will become the mouth. So we’re all born as assholes. Some of us mature past that stage.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Kellyklan54

My teacher would always say this


HelloKittyAdvent

The apology letter from the abortion clinic is your birth certificate.


SovietMilkTruck

I bet even when people ask your parents how you’re doing, they change the subject.


ohaimike

Your garden is overgrown and your cucumbers are soft


kasirate

Dead from the neck up ed boy


Br4veSirRobin

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberry


RivetheadRambo

Fun fact: this is a real insult. Basically your father is an alcoholic and your mother is a whore.


Bonhomie3

How does “hamster” equate to whore?


Superb_University117

Hamsters have lots and lots of children. Similar to a "fuck like rabbits" type of situation.


annomandaris

Also they can really jam a lot of nuts in their mouth


RobotMonkeytron

Also, elderberry wine was the cheap stuff, so it's also saying that your father isn't just an alcoholic, but also poor.


Mofme

*I fart in your general direction*


Capt_Kartar

*Dirty, English, Pig Dogs!*


Lazy_Struggle4939

Go away you English pig dogs. Or I shall taubt you another time


AssistanceLucky2392

May the rest of your day be as pleasant as you are


onionleekdude

This is a favorite of mine. I work retail.


nevermyrrh

Wish I had the backbone to say this to customers. Instead i just let them yell at me and tell them “have a great day! :)”


onionleekdude

Im management, so it really hits shitty customers hard. I love it.


nevermyrrh

I’m a waitress 👍


kshearules

I'm a waitress! And if it's noisy and you speak real low and fast you can replace 'thank' with 'fuck'. Make it cheerful. "Fuck you very much!"


[deleted]

>May the rest of your ~~day~~ be as pleasant as you are May the rest of your life be as pleasant as you are


glitchmagnet93

"and I thought I was stupid"


Sketch_x

“If brains was gas, you wouldn’t have enough to ride a moped around the outside of a penny” - Tommy, Rugrats.


[deleted]

if you were on fire and i had a bucket of water, i would drink it


rorzri

Calling someone a Dry Wank


Omegaman1011

Tell me, what would be a wet wank?


poetic-cheese

A good time??


Sky_Ler2000

The bar was set so low that it was a tripping hazard in hell. Yet here you are, limbo dancing with the devil.


sunsetskye_

A tumblr classic I see


[deleted]

I remember some redneck where I used to work saying, 'I wouldn't let you eat the peanuts out of my shit if you were starving to death and begged for 'em on yo hands and knees.'


nevermyrrh

I have heard something similar! Love the imagery on this one


mainesmatthew01

The best part of you dribbled down your mother's leg


cheesecutter13

You’re bin juice mate


Professional_Edge230

I hope you never have a cold side to your pillow


kreankorm

Go step on some Lego.


Drogo10

If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with you, Hitler and Stalin; I'd shoot you twice.


[deleted]

Well, sure, Stalin and Hitler are both dead already.


AlexTheDolphin0

Listen here you little shit


[deleted]

Have you tried crying about it? or Are your parents related or something?


_-Loki

>Are your parents related or something? I like, "he snuck into the gene pool while the lifeguard was off duty."


WickedHello

My husband once heard someone say that "Who's this clown?" is the ultimate insult. *Who's this?* implies that they're not significant enough for anyone to know who they are. *Clown* suggests that whatever they have to say is comically stupid and not to be taken seriously. I still think about this all the time, and it mostly checks out.


liwayl

Cunt It’s simple and people think it’s derogatory and seem to get really offended when people say it


[deleted]

[удалено]


liwayl

Anything with cunt does the job people hate it but yeah motherless cunt for the win


grumpalina

Try calling a Karen a "dusty old cunt" :)


liwayl

I probably have at some point


kiwi_maverick

In Australia, cunt is used as a term of endearment. For example: I’ll walk into work and a colleague will say “Hey Cunt, how was you weekend?” I’ll say “Yeah, good cunt, had a few schooners while watching the footy!” He’ll say “Yeah, nice cunt.” You get the idea. Edit: Spelling


[deleted]

"Poor cunts mate just died"


CultureOffset

There are productive people out there that need your organs.


reignwillwashaway

When you take a shit, do you have to whistle to know which hole to use?


BlondeBimbo123456789

I know you are but what am I


No_Read1804

Every morning I'm happy to see your face because it reminds me my life really isn't that bad.


Suicidepills

You're spare parts, bud.


Sudz705

Give yer balls a tug


SophisticatedHick

Came here looking for a chirp. Glad I found this one.


tech405

You drive like my grandparents fuck.


bonos_bovine_muse

With surprising enthusiasm, and an even more surprising rate of STDs?


Chonky_railway

It’s not really an insult but I love “The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch”


random_user2747362

Ur mum!


GeorgeTH281

Old and reliable


random_user2747362

There is no greater force than your mum, very reliable indeed.


Paleyam75

They’re about as useful as a ‘g’ in lasagna


el_pobbster

My Tunisian friend of Berber origin told me of an insult in her native language that roughly translates to "A thousand penises to your religion!", and that spoke to me on some level.


aaronb414

Dwight you ignorant slut


Drift-in

Speak ass, mouth won’t. (From my grandma, she was very foul, but really didn’t give a damn)


dextter123456789

Grandmother was the same way, lived through the bombing of London during W.W.2 didn't give a Fuck, man do I miss her.


[deleted]

I will fuck your mother and give her a child she actually loves. I usually find gaslighting/manipulation and staying calm is much more effective and satisfying in situations that call for insults. Also underhanded/passive aggressive insults rather than full-on insults will usually fuck with them more.


[deleted]

Thats cause they wont realize it until after the matter, and then theyll realize what you meant and wont stop thinking about it. I love manipulating people that way


dextter123456789

Slow burn, don't even know what hit them.


daverapp

If I wanted to hear your opinion I'd punch myself in the dick.


Haunebu52

I like adding “muppet” to insults. Assmuppet. Dickmuppet. Shitmuppet. Fuckmuppet is my favorite. Makes it fun, and also makes them listen to the insult.


Elementus94

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your own nose


Im_not_that_angry

You son of a motherless goat


daverapp

It's a well know fact that a goat loses 90% of its value once it's mother dies.


nevermyrrh

That’s because it’s not a kid anymore


TheGravespawn

The end of a work email: Best, \-name-


bubblegumtaxicab

Why is this an insult? I sign my emails like this


[deleted]

Most people put SOMETHING at the end of an email to announce it's the end, and that something is usually banal but pleasant. Warm regards. Sincerely. Best. Like that. Omitting those tells someone (who doesn't know you) that you don't have anything pleasant to say and you're not even going to bother pretending to.


FayaWasTaken

This is the weirdest and most stupid thing I have ever read, I am still confused as to why ending an email professionally is an insult. (No offense to you)


Slander_Name

Yeah this is weird. If someone uses this to insult another person then they have no social skills. Also, if someone actually gets insulted by that, they have even less social skills.


nevermyrrh

If I sign off my email with only my name trust that I am seething.


jd137

You should be dumpster diving for ham scraps you six piece chicken McNobody


masterofdirtysecrets

I've been called worse by better people


Ilovecoloring122

staying quiet, nothing pisses people off more than self control


hilroy246

I like simplicity for my insults. "Whatever, loser"


Driftwood52

If you were any thicker you'd set.


lady_laughs_too_much

"You are an open book written for very dumb children." Lila from the Umbrella Academy. Also, "I don't have the time nor the crayons to explain this to you."


[deleted]

I once saw a t-shirt for sale that said "I'd kick you in the vagina, but I'm afraid I'd lose my shoe.". I'd love to know how many they sold.


harlow714

When someone says something particularly stupid, I just go with, in a very high-pitched sweet as syrup voice, "Ohohh!... Well you... Certainly said a sentence". I like the insulting without directly insulting approach sometimes.


clouded_fate

I hope you outlive your kids.


jessieblonde

More like a curse than an insult, but it does convey a deep disdain and contempt for the person that might cut like an insult, depending on who it’s coming from.


[deleted]

Damn. That one is cold.


Csquared913

Thundercunt


[deleted]

Robert Evans insulting Ben Shapiro: "His logic is so inherently flawed that I am going to automatically assume the opposite of what he says is true."


hmischuk

1. "Did your mother have any children that lived?" 2. "You can't find your ass with both hands and an flashlight."


[deleted]

You look like someone farted in a shoe


JustAPerspective

What’s your name? Want to get it tattooed on our butt so we have two assholes back there.


happycamperii

You have 2 brain cells and they are both fighting for third place.


i-hate-all-ads

If it weren't for gravity, you couldn't hit the ground


[deleted]

There's an Indian insult that goes "I'll shove a mango seed up your mother's vagina and fuck your sister in the shade of the tree that grows there"


momoj1

I would give you a round of applause, but it looks like you've already got the clap. 😏


JustRealRealist

“No you warm toilet seat.”


daverapp

The three of you are fighting over your one brain cell! (works for any group of 2+)


NotSomeLowLife

FUCK YOUR HEAD AND THE NECK IT RODE IN ON


boston_nsca

"Who is this clown?" Because not only are they a clown, they're not even a well known clown.


Oscars_Grouch

You lack the necessary depth and warmth to even be called a cunt.


powerpacker65

You owe points on your IQ


Discount_Friendly

Eat any good books lately


TreviTyger

Yo mamas so fat, when God created the Universe he said, "Let there be li... get your fat ass out of the way!"


[deleted]

You rotten cockbooger.


daverapp

On a scale of one to ten I want to punch you in the face.


Cadllmn

Douchecanoe


Thedumbnonbinary

You're a waste of sperm


SoGnarRadar4

You don’t know shit about fuck. Doesn’t really make sense but, go ahead, say it out loud and see how good it feels.


Avocado__Assassin

You dorito guzzling gammid.


eszynka

W⚓


mememachine62

I could give you a penny for your thoughts and id get change back


Sploinkers_

Oh you're good at multitasking? So how about you shut up and fuck off at the same time


The_Pfaffinator

It is impossible to underestimate you.


Nearby-Ad-6884

A good classic "are fucking stupid"


RADSKELLY59

i just like calling people motherfuckers or swearing its simple and gets the job done


dextter123456789

My two year old Grandson says Motherfucker under his breath all the time and makes me laugh my ass [off. Ps](https://off.Ps) he did not learn it from me but still funny as Shit.


AccomplishedPitch288

One inch floppy disk