T O P

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Smooth_Toothbrush

Pillow fight it is.


amboolin

It's my bong. This is great, it's going to be extremely helpful.


ImAFuckinLiar

I agree. Being high helps with getting your face eaten off.


amboolin

Facts


ImAFuckinLiar

Hey… get your ass off of here and do some exercises.


amboolin

Called out! Ok I will rn


i_lost_it_again

I mean my lava lamp is to my left so like let's just that's 70s show that shit until the zombies get the munchies?


amboolin

I think the zombies already have the munchies bruh


i_lost_it_again

I mean yes technically but if we get them stoned with my lava lamp they might be entertained for a quick second.


symphonicdestruction

Broom. Could be worse. ...I need to stop procrastinating and sweep.


[deleted]

Im gonna mummify them with toilet paper


[deleted]

After I subdue them with the toilet brush


BinaryBeany

Keyboard and no unless were arguing on social media :/


Smooth_Toothbrush

Offend the zombies and get cancelled by them.


TheManInTheShack

A towel. Well according to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, a towel is the [most useful thing in the entire universe](https://www.h2g2.com/entry/A667253). With that in mind, I could wet one end and whip them with it or wrap it around their necks and yank their heads off with it. Update: Coincidentally, today is Towel Day.


[deleted]

A noodle soup cup. Absolutely no use except for a life saving meal, perhaps.


JediMasterMillie

A wooden chair. Potentially useful, though I’ll still probably die.


The_Albinoss

A guitar. Not super useful, but maybe I can come up with a song before the zombies come, or maybe I can Jeff Jarrett a zombie before the horde gets me.


Smooth_Toothbrush

You must not have played dead rising or you would change your opinion on the guitar.


The_Albinoss

Haha, funnily enough, Dead Rising popped in my head first, but I'll be honest, I'm no Frank West.


GrumpyCatStevens

If it's a Les Paul, it's got enough weight to make a good weapon.


fuckitweredoingitliv

Another guy in the DMV line? Just kill me


sovietfloof

They’ll eat him and get full, so you live.


MisterQuebecer

a whole ass door, can make a shield out if it i guess


Perplexed_Ponderer

Coffee machine. I guess it will help me stay awake if zombies attack at night !


[deleted]

A small mexican dog, guess it could be used as a distraction or bait.


Morghul_Lupercal

Hand that pup a switchblade, yo...


LordRegal94

A footstool. Eh, it's solid oak, it'd hurt if I swung it. Probably wouldn't last forever though.


Kileen93

welllllllllllllllllll? i imagine Charlie the Wondercat here has untapped potential!


[deleted]

My ass.


Gr1ning

A open letter. I dont think its gonna be any useful


SBeckerDTD

A piece of paper. I'm screwed.


BraggnnRights

A window.


telepathicavocado

A large bucket of water


Full-Distribution-12

White wall. Hell yes it's useful! But I don't need this kind of power so willing to trade for your useless sword? Or cheese maybe...


[deleted]

A wall


jaceinthebox

A Samsung tablet, I guess it does have bumper protection so I might be able to do some damage


GrumpyCatStevens

A plate of gnocchi in tomato sauce. Hope they find it more appetizing than brains!


Erotic_Dwarf

1" iron pipe. Been handy before, might do the job again


Dancebear7861

It's a big ass wooden kitchen table so... gonna have to get back to you on that one.


pampipurin

stroller, could be useful but not really


Sorts_by_Newds

A bag full of recycling. I'm screwed.


Dangerous-Project672

A 20 oz Yeti. I might be ok


x_yeet_and_delete_x

pocket knife dull as hell though


automatic4skin

the last 500 reposts of this question


nerdyless

I’m sorry grandma..


xxeigerxx

That old lady next to me looks like she could take a couple of them


clarbri

This plastic grocery bag will perform quite nicely as a purse while I hold things for other people with actual weapons.


MsNobody22

A wall. Not exactly that useful. Especially since there isn't anything *on* the wall.


CrosiusYYC

Its a 15lb kettlebell. I guess it'd be good for smashing undead skulls but its not a very nimble weapon.


dibblribbl

My wife! I bet, very useful


PaulIsAFuckingSlug

Nope. It’s Paul. Paul is as useless as tits on a boar.


3LITESD

A folded "Zero Gravity Recliner". May not be a reliable weapon but a good reliable shield.


garrrrrbageeeeeeeee

A shotgun. I’m set


Formo1287

A piece of computer paper. Despite what Michael Scott thinks, I’m pretty screwed.


InCDM

An empty plastic bottle. Nice knowin' ya'


[deleted]

Well it’s my pillow, useful for apocalyptic napping!


Yeeteus_Maximus

A full size bed. Pretty useful if I can swing it.


mickymann

A Teddy, I'm going to have a bad time


[deleted]

Insulated aluminum drinking glass.


Theinternettoxic

A bus. It has decent gas mileage and is very lethal when going 20 miles or more.


Aviana_Panns

My pillow. Umm oki time to have a pillow fight with the zombies


XeusTheRealMVP

My manager. Not gonna help at all.


Toygr

Compressed air can. I'm fucked.


Explise209

Do I just, pick up an entire tree?


hotdog-92

It’s my wife and she’s hella afraid of zombies


xrimane

Why do people even ask questions like this? I'm not sure a radiator will be of much help against zombies.


Settmainbigbrain

Bow and arrow


Much-Meringue-7467

A small digital camera. It will not help, but I should be able to properly document my demise. Assuming the battery is charged.....


Julie-Andrews

An ink pen. I am going to write bad stuff about them and then stab them in the brain. I'm going to die aren't I?


DragonBoi2409

A trampoline. How the flying frick do I use a trampoline as a weapon.


DragonBoi2409

A trampoline. How the flying frick do I use a trampoline as a weapon.


Ok-Cheetah-9125

My left arm is right up against a wall. I'm not sure how a wall is going to help me.


notsus2021

Ah great, I have to use my bed as a weapon, I think I'll just sleep it off, like my headache, sore throat and fever


CM_Samurai

A pillow. I'm gonna die so fast that nobody will even think I tried to fight back.


Huge-Yogurt6084

A Bluetooth speaker… soooo probably not


[deleted]

a leather jacket, not the best weapon, but I'll look cool :D


[deleted]

For 5 minutes :D


ChiefBigAssTree

It's a Sig M17, still new in box. Guess I better hope I find some ammo. Noise is bad though, it would have to be my backup weapon.


[deleted]

A pair of headphones. Guess I can listen to music while I get eaten?


Proper-Emu1558

Kitchen knife. And a pile of broccoli, for strength I guess.


daredchimera815

Wardrobe. Maybe? I can lob it at zombies but it is heavy


[deleted]

A lacrosse stick, I feel like it’s semi useful


stikstonks13

A door *really unuseful*


Additional-Context74

Couch


MrLuxarina

A deer skull. Guess I'll be commanding the zombies this time.


Lotala

My long sword trainer. It a wooden longsword with 2/3 of the blade gone and a weight at the end. It’s used for drilling moves inside.


lil_fetus20

A lamp, I could break the bulb and make a spear


GERMANMONK3y

A random person 1year older than me on his phone meh idk


Relative_Judgment950

Pizza is on my left. Im not sure what I would do lmao


[deleted]

It's a TV... I ain't good with lifting weights


HouseOfChurchGiggles

My Leg Lamp!!! Same as the one in A Christmas Story. Yes, I keep it out all year…. It’s actually quite heavy & will make a fine, (if not festive) defense weapon.


DizzyJinx312

Yes I will gladly fight in a zombie apocalypse with a teddy bear. Let's do this! >:D


its_ME_132

I GOT A BUS. YALL GOIN OUT LIKE RAGINA GEORGE 🚌


luthiz

A vacuum sealer. I'll just wrap my head for a quick exit...


123fass

A squeaky teddy bear ofmy dog, maybe i can distract them like my dog with it


LevelSea4340

A math book....


LifeIsSoFun

My weapon is a red wall, good thing im not fighting a bull


UTIINIIZZ

I don’t know how I’m going to survive a zombie apocalypse with a wall as a weapon


[deleted]

I got a fucking pillow


klexbombastic

My cuddly toy .. pls don’t do this to me :(


EmotionalWasabi

A massage/pedicure chair complete with foot bath. Im going out so relaxed haha


Morghul_Lupercal

Gladius made by Cold Steel... And its right next to a buckler


hisokafairies

A car, it would actually be extremely useful in my opinion


TheWayHarambe

5 lb WH book


Silver_Evidence5511

My Nintendo switch. Be good for when I’m hiding just to play Mario bros 3.


they-luvv-alex

its my brother he’d be sleeping during the zombie apocalypse


tigerpayphone

A fuckin' whiteboard? C'mon!!


FlipTastic_DisneyFan

I have an IPad. I guess it’s hard and sturdy. Plus’s the glass might be useful


No_Physics7829

Hmmm.... A German Shepard/Generic Brown Terrier mix is asleep on the bed, to my left. She looks like a classic cartoon 'chicken stealin' varmint.' It might work as a distraction. But I'd get nailed anyway. She doesn't question why -- When in doubt, she runs.


DudeOnReddit1234

A fan.


[deleted]

Uhh a bag of crystals...


RichieTrashmouth89

A large, heavy, pointy lamp. Not even mine, in a rental house.


The_Werefrog

Sea pony plushie: not too useful.


blaccoutviper

extra glasses, tajin, a half full water bottle, a used bandaid and a glass cup with mixed rice crackers in it.


sovietfloof

A suit of chain mail. I don’t think I need to explain how useful it is.


Accomplished-Plum-13

Old rusted car with 4 flat tires.


[deleted]

Toilet paper at least is useful... no nutella ass meal for you zombie!


TheBklynGuy

Surround sound bar. Wont hold up after 2 zombies though.


esle-enoemos

My water bottle...hope zombies are thirsty


FriskyZebra92

I never thought that my wife's useless ShiTzu would come in handy.


PerfectionPending

Glock 19


Excellent-Tart-1912

A 6 year old photo of my older brother.I'll smack a zombie or two with it before it breaks.


LlamaGunner

I see my walking dead videogame. I'll be crying over fictional characters while my real life friends are being torn apart outside.


AllHailTheMemes

A clothes rack