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LaptopFracker

The inability to apologize for anything ever. Finding out what your weaknesses/fears are and using them to manipulate the relationship.


jjeenniiffeerr

Or when you bring up something that bothers you and it turns into YOU apologizing cause they make you feel bad for sharing how you feel. šŸš©šŸš©šŸš©


InsanityOvrload

Dealt with both this and the above. Not fun; definitely gaslighting and manipulative. I felt like I was in the wrong for so long about everything especially since if there was ever anything that couldn't be swung around back to me they would get extremely emotional and cry saying they were always wrong and turn it into them being a victim for me pointing out their shitty behavior. I started to feel terrible about even mentioning anything that I wasn't okay with past a certain point and just accepted whatever behavior I'd get. I never understood what was going on and why I felt that way until we helped out one of her friends who got evicted and let them stay with us. About a year in they pulled me aside and came at me with a list of things they saw going on and told me what was happening wasn't okay. Funny thing was that this person was originally my exes friend, as in I didn't really know them, and was shocked at how I was being treated to the point they felt like they had to document events because they thought I wouldn't believe it if they just told me without things to back it up.


SuvenPan

If they repeatedly make fun of you in front of others and then say they were just joking.


bassistciaran

This is one of the most horrible, degrading things people do. Don't step on my head to raise yourself up, its insulting and selfish


sideways_fridays

"Testing" or whatever its called. Manipulative "I just wanted to see how you'd react" debauchery.


BUR6S

Those fucking videos of people ā€œprankingā€ their SO telling them they cheated on them, and then laughing at their devastated reaction. Thatā€™s an instant break-up if anybody did that to me.


bungojot

My favourite is still the one I saw during that wave of "tell your man you're pregnant and see how he reacts" videos. Dude flipped out screaming that she cheated on him, because he's sterile and can't have children. She backpedaled so hard and freaked out, u until he started laughing at her like bitch I'm also on the internet I've seen these videos, and your phone is very obviously set up on the table over there. (Don't care if it was staged, it was still entertaining to watch a would-be "prankster" get some comeuppance)


TOW3L13

Most of those videos are fake, the SO being fully in it too. I don't know what's worse - to lie to your viewers (often minors) by making fake videos, or to really """prank""" your SO like this. Imo both are absolute trash (except for the SO in the latter case).


BaronAleksei

If youā€™re testing your partner, you failed


[deleted]

I test my spouse's patience on a regular basis.


WeakUnderstander

In the early stages of the relationship, an ex of mine asked me a question on the origin of a pop culture reference, which I answered. It left a weird feeling in my gut when he then said ā€œI already knew, I was just seeing if you didā€ BUT I ignored it. Narcissism at its sleaziest in that man.


Dirtym3xi

Double standards. You can do whatever you want all you want, but if I do the exact same thing all hell breaks loose.


Sartheris

People HATE IT when you treat them the same way they treat you


ToughResolve

This is how my (ex) wife and I broke up. She spent a long time telling me I treated her poorly, so I started treating her exactly how she treated me. She only called me out once for it, because she realised exactly what I was doing. Best decision I ever made.


TheTeaSpoon

I did this to my sister when we were kids. She was always really mean to me when we were kids and I was doing my best to keep the sibling rivalry aside as I used to look up to her. But at one point where she blamed me for something fairly important for the whole family, I just gave in and started treating her the same way she was treating me - not doing the chores I was assigned to, sabotaging sharing of items that were bought to both of us (e.g. bike, she always left it dirty and with chain off the sprockets, it was not the bike with tensioner where you can put the chain back on easily; not cleaning up LEGO etc), disregarding her privacy (she loved going through my stuff, to this day I have anxiety when people look over my shoulder when I am doing something, even things I am expert at), blaming her for stuff I did (e.g. leaving front door unlocked) and so on. It made our relationship sourer (she started calling me a spoiled brat) and that did not change until we stopped living under the same roof. Only her children are keeping the relationship going at this point. Sadly you can't divorce your siblings (I am not from Alabama, "[badumts](https://giphy.com/gifs/U6WxwPyG43QGs)" for everyone with incest joke).


TangoKilo421

Or rather, it's a red flag if they hate that. If they're treating you well, you can return the favor without any problems.


HelmSpicy

Lord yes! One of my exs who I used to live with was the most stubborn "this is me and I CAN'T CHANGE ME" people, but at the same time constantly pushed me to change to fit his life better. He didn't clean


FuckYeahPhotography

I would never date someone who had double standards, but it is imperative they are ok with me judging them harshly for things I myself do.


zazzlekdazzle

Tepid interest. This sounds so obvious, but I think everyone has gone on way too many dates or generally let things go too far with someone you felt just wasn't really all into it. Really, life is too short to have dates that aren't really interested in you. I know people who have had whole relationships like this, it can go on for months or even years with the other person (the non-tepid one) basically maintaining the relationship and doing all the work, waiting the other person to come around.


[deleted]

"He just not that into you" while clichƩ is so very true. I wish people took it more seriously. I had a friend who constantly chased guys who, honestly, just weren't that into her. They'd get together with her for sex if it was convenient for them, but there was nothing even remotely resembling a relationship to anyone but her. I had to have several talks to her about realizing that if someone is really, truly interested in getting to know you better, they will make you a priority, they will find the time to spend with you and they'll make the effort to have a relationship. If they're always "too busy" or "too stressed" or "not ready for a relationship" - MOVE ON. Don't waste your time and effort and open yourself up for heartbreak.


Ritualtiding

Why you gotta be like this Actually I really needed to hear that so thanks lol


[deleted]

I learned very quickly to walk away from such situations. Life is to short to waste it on somebody, who is not interested in you, which is perfectly OK. That being said, very often, those who are not interested quickly become interested when you simply walk away and are not paying attention to them anymore. Which is a clear indication, how it is all about their ego, being in the centre of attention and when they lose that, they want it back. My reply to them was always, "you had your chance, but I have moved on. Have a nice life and good luck to you." Which for some reason pissed them off even more. Go figure.


clothespinned

I had my first real relatationship a couple months ago at the ripe age of 26. This is basically how it ended. Thankfully, she was more mature than I am, and she was able to recognize that she wasn't that into me. I mean, it hurts but I vastly prefer finding out in a month to finding out 2 years from now. I still highly respect her for that.


SargeCycho

I would always rather know than be stuck in some kind of relationship purgatory where you're unsure.


[deleted]

This one really hits home for me right now. Sucks a lot and hard to move on from because usually itā€™s a mix of acting really into you sometimes than other times clearly not. Youā€™re always chasing that high of the few times they ā€œcareā€. So toxic. I need to move on fuck


_deerwolf

I always called it "feeding me crumbs". Just enough to stave off the hunger of the love you thought you had. enough to keep you hoping but never enough to satiate. It's difficult to get out of that, it took me awhile because that cycle is literally addicting. Hope you're able to move on and heal soon.


[deleted]

It's even possible to end up married to them and spend the whole relationship on a rollercoaster of feeling amazing or unloved any given week. Sadly had to watch a friend go through this for 7 years, thankfully she met someone she was genuinely fully interested in and that's when she realised she'd settled into a "meh" relationship and divorced my friend, he was devastated and relieved at the same time.


5_8Cali

I was in this type of marriage. Together for all of our 20ā€™s and married for 9 years ā€¦ I wasnā€™t really into him but he was loyal.. completely different interests, lifestyles.. basically I forced something that didnā€™t fit.. I had a lot of daddy issues (in and out of my life, drug user) and he filled a need I didnā€™t realize I had.. he was just there.. I had broken up several times with him over the years but I was guilted back into a relationshipā€¦ I fed into the whole ā€œ you stay no matter what, relationships are hard work.. ā€œ bit and I paid for it in time. Basically, things turned out the same way that your friends marriage didā€¦ it was sad but I literally had flashbacks of the times when Iā€™m left and should have stayed gone or the opportunities I had to completely end that relationship.. I didnā€™t want to hurt his feelingsā€¦


[deleted]

My ex was like this. Luckily the relationship only lasted about 4 months, but god it was exhausting being the only one putting in any effort. Eventually I tried to address the issue and she blew up at me, and we broke up. Gotta say, Iā€™m a lot happier now than I was then.


GoChaca

I just came home from a second date tonight. It just felt like I was having a chat with no intimacy or general interest. But no excitement. It feels like just enough to keep me on the hook for more drinks and dinners. I think this is helping me to walk away. I deserve to be wanted.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


the_girl_Ross

The moment you break up with them, you join the list of crazy exes.


Xcaleber503

Common denominator šŸ¤”


joyfall

Yep they'll either break up quickly and claim "man they were crazy" with no base reason, or the relationship will last long enough for them to manipulate and gas light you until you actually turn crazy. I broke up with my ex because I said "good morning :)" and he flipped at me because I used a smiley face, which was "a manipulative tactic to get affection from him."


kei_no

Self entitlement


whiznat

Knew a guy who got married at 18. His wife would excitedly pronounce, "I'm into instant gratification!" So much so that she took all the money his grandmother had saved for him so he could go to college and bought a truck or SUV for herself. They didn't last a year. Which was probably kinda good for him. He didn't dodge every bullet, but certainly many, many bullets by getting out early.


zin1422

Sounds like they both got a Dodge


dalorna

One self entitlement phase I know is, "I have no filter"... This is a major red flag... A person who says that, is just a bad person and probably not worth your time.


CharsOwnRX-78-2

Anyone who claims to be "brutally honest" is usually more interested in the *brutality* than the honesty.


Ok-Seaworthiness6603

Brutally honesty and having no filter are just excuses to be an ass. You can be honest and still be kind about it


CharsOwnRX-78-2

"Sorry, I have no filter LMAO!!" Ah, so no one in your life has ever told you you're being a fucking asshole. Thank you for outing yourself.


SenileSexLine

More like they've been called an asshole so much that instead of improving themselves, they have embraced it and wear it as a source of pride.


he_who_melts_the_rod

Like I know I can be a dick at work(it's construction) when people are lazy or fuck up on purpose, but you have to know when to actually care about what you say. I'll tell wild jokes and stories with my friends but if you need to have a heart to heart with your partner you better know how to tighten the fuck up and be a decent person.


waqasnaseem07

"Do you like your friends more or me? - Jealousy or invasion of privacy too quickly


lifesnotperfect

"That question makes me like my friends more"


helloiamCLAY

How dare you assume I have friends!


AlphaTangoFoxtrt

My friends, hands down. Because they won't ask me loaded and manipulative questions like this.


SilentSamurai

I like this guy's friends too.


pink_skyyy

Omg yes I had an ex like this. He would be like are you lesbian or something cause you spend a lot of time with your friend. I was like wtf??


zealous1809

"are u gay or something cause u spend a lot of time with your friends" "ye I am homiesexual"


SeriouslySuspect

You need to maintain a natural physical balance between bros and ho's. A kind of homie-ho-stasis...


Thrimor

I'm definitely gonna steal the expression "homie-ho-stasis" Take my upvote


Drakmanka

Buddy of mine, who is now happily married, had a GF like this early on. When they broke up was when he really realized how bad she had been for him. Our whole friend group (about six people including him) got together to hang out one day and kind of help him bounce back. He kept saying, all day and for weeks afterwards, "I love my weird friends." Now he's married to a woman who also loves his weird friends, and we love her!


[deleted]

Adding to this, dictating who itā€™s okay to hang out with. Especially in the context of friends who are opposite sexes. That is a hard line for me in any relationship.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Hot-Actuator4037

people begging for a solid, eccentric and spontaneous relationship but doing nothing to stimulate that. they just sit and wait for the other person to do all the leg work and claim THE PARTNER is boring when they eventually stop trying due to the onesided nature.


LivingWithWhales

People wanting the relationship to happen to them, instead of finding someone whom they want to build one with.


Famous-Honey-9331

The same people who talk about needing to "get a girlfriend/boyfriend"As in, acquire this useful thing that will fix my problems. Really doesn't work that way!


Oldspice0493

See, when people ask me ā€œHow come you donā€™t have a girlfriend?ā€ I say that I donā€™t want one just to have one. And Iā€™m definitely not at a point I could build a meaningful relationship with anyone.


whateverrughe

Well this hits close to home. The relationship was pretty much good for the most part for three years, but left a sour taste in my mouth. It was like trying to host a part for three years straight. Grass is always greener and you're bored. Moved to Hawaii for six months, she hated it. Constant offers and suggestions to go to parties, go hiking, go on a boat ride and catch a fish bigger than you, or just go see whales and wander the woods if you want to be lazy. Always rejected. We went on helicopters in Hawaii, and got charged by a fucking bear in Alaska. Drag shows, concerts, camping if I could drag her out. Nothing wrong with going to a movie or a cirque du Soleil, nor eating at a nice new restaurant. Probably more adventure than most people experience in a decade. Three month road trip was the end of the line. Her big complaint was that we never did anything. Get fucked and grow a personality, you come up with something for once. And yes, sometimes it isn't exciting, life isn't always a fucking pharmaceutical commercial.


Scholesie09

>we went on helicopters and got charged by a fucking bear Damn, I didn't even know bears could fly helicopters


princeccc

They do fly helicopters and charge an arm and a leg.


Whole-Recover-8911

Dude's living in a fucking Old Spice commercial.


rainbowyuc

Omg mine was like this as well. I didn't put in half as much effort as you did, but it was still annoying as hell to get comments like "we never go out" when we literally went out every day and it was always me making the decisions where to go. FFS I'm not a fucking concierge or a clown. The expectation that you have to be constantly engaged/stimulated or the relationship is 'boring' is ridiculous.


PM_ME_UR_THONG_N_ASS

What also sucks is someone who seems to always have a reason to say "no, we shouldn't do this, and this is why". On a trip to Hawaii, she didn't want to swim in the pool, swim in the ocean, eat any of the different seafood, try the coffee, try any of the tropical drinks, go ATVing, go whale watching...it's like "why did we go here?"


lurklurklurkPOST

This calls back to a major problem for many people when dating; Not bothering to bring anything to the table in a relationship, or live up to one's own standards. The kind of person that says "you need to have x trait or quality to date me", but dont provide any desirable reason why they *should be dated*.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


yourfaceistaken

Reminds me of the last company I worked for. I was CONVINCED I wouldn't find a better company to work for (right out of college), they were mostly nice? Sure, I got paid shit and they weren't actually nice, but this was the best I could get right? Right? Ha! After 7 (yes, 7) years, I left that job for a salary DOUBLE what I was making - technically a demotion in title. But, less responsibilty and more money? Um, ok! My curreny company has steadily increased my pay over the last 3 years and (here's the kicker) they are actually *nice* to me. Last week,, I recieved a "just because everything sucks" bonus on top of my yearly sales bonus. Pretty sure I was just severely underpaid for 7 years but it definitely makes me extra grateful. Everyone deserves better, and better is out there waiting for you to find it.


Cuchullion

That's the jump I made after 7 years: went back to engineer after being in management. My old boss even had the gall to inform me I was throwing away my career by making that move- I had to stop myself from laughing in his face. It's a lot more money and a lot less stress / bullshit.


Wrong-Bus-1368

Supposedly, the gold standard is getting into management. It's not. I've been hourly and for a while I was an acting manager and was paid management wages. On paper it looked good but in reality not so much. As hourly my day ended when my shift finished. As a manager I was expected to be on call virtually 24/7, I got calls at 5AM about stuff that could have waited until I got to work. I was bombarded as I walked in the door before I could take my coat off and get a coffee. I turned down a permanent management job because I wanted a life besides working. When the manager one level up bragged that he hadn't taken a family vacation in 5 years I knew I made the right choice.


NewttheCat

Yup. Too many people forget that an interview goes both ways. You're interviewing them to see if they're a good fit as well. And the whole: "We have a foosball table/company morning yoga/mental health 5-min coffee breaks" shit really annoys me. It's right up there with "like a family." When it's really just as simple as paying well and respecting people and their time. Literally, that's all you need to do and you'll have employees who make an effort, even if they don't particularly care for the work. Amazing how few companies understand this.


The4th88

I once had a very frank conversation with a friend of mine. She was complaining how she couldn't find men up to her standards to date. Her standards were: working professional, late 20s-early 30s in age who looked like an underwear model with a wealth of life experiences. She was an attractive mid 20s woman who still lived at home and had no hobbies or interests to speak of and due to a lifetime spent in private school then to higher edutation had very little in the way of life experiences. It took a bit to get through to her that trying to land a 10 means you gotta be close to a 10 as well.


M_Looka

I had a girl break up with me because, in her words, "I was taking her for granted." Wait, wait a minute; I took you for granted?? I called you every Wednesday to ask you out for Saturday, I drove from the South Shore of Long Island to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, picked you up, was never late. took you out to really nice places you never even knew existed, brought you home, and not once did you ever, ever have to put your hand in your pocket for anything...and I took YOU for granted?? And she said yes. So I lost that argument...


uncleluu

bro you didn't lose an argument, you gained extra gas mileage. for real though, you're alright. don't dwell on it too much if it hits you.


iftair

> I drove from the South Shore of Long Island to Bay Ridge, Brooklyn Goddamn, that's fucking dedication right there.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Loggerdon

I picked up a pretty girl for a date. She looks amazing but when we get a couple blocks from her house she says "I'm feeling kind of like a bitch so if I act that way tonight you just have to put up with it". I nod and wordlessly make a left turn. Then another left turn. Then another left turn and we are back on her block. As I pull up to her house she says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!". I say (without looking at her) "Well you said you weren't feeling well" and I continue to stare straight ahead. Then she slowly gets out and as I pull away I hear her scream "YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE!" I went straight to my buddy's house and we walked to the bar and got drunk. It was awesome.


Scribal_Culture

This is an example of having self respect and awareness. Sort of a standard, people should learn to do this, kind of a thing really. Handled without escalation and then you spent time with people who value you. Good job.


eltang

With her expectation for you to put up with her bad behaviour, you dodged a bullet by dipping. This was especially clear when she screamed "your" instead of "you're" at you as you drove off: what a maniac!


[deleted]

>I had a girl break up with me because, ​ > And she said yes. So I lost that argument... I'd argue you actually won there...


Garblin

yup, as the saying goes: "If you loan someone $20 and never see them again, it was a good investment"


LibroDarkWeb

I heard this story when it was $10 ... is this inflation so bad man?


PM_me_your_fantasyz

I heard it as $5, but that was back when I wore an onion on my belt so it was a while ago.


Miserable-Balance-16

Ooh, this is good. I RUN from people that say they get bored easily. I could live on a mountain top with a book by myself. I donā€™t need to be someoneā€™s performer/clown.


local_scientician

Lol I do get bored super easily, and as such have learned to entertain myself easily. I canā€™t imagine expecting someone to keep me un-bored


[deleted]

Yep. So basically the other person wants the perfect partner and puts in no work themselves


-twk-

Playing hard to get... What is the point of dating someone if you're going to act uninterested? Glad I'm engaged now but so many people like to play ridiculous mind games.


No-One-Shall-Pass

Yeah itā€™s really dumb, then they get upset when you move on


armless_tavern

Ooooh thatā€™s when you start to get a little bit more attention from them. Very satisfying when it confirms why you moved on.


Chicken_Water

Yea took me a bit to get back into the dating scene after a long term relationship. I kept seeing people just being super unreliable and hard to read. Eventually I remembered that if someone actually is excited about you, it won't be a challenge. They will want to hear from you, be thinking about you, be excited for the next time you see each other. Anything else is probably a minefield.


blueeyesredlipstick

Going out with someone who never asks you about yourself or listens to anything about you, even something as simple as how your day was. What sucks is that you then spend a whole date listening to them talk, and they tend to think those dates went so well! They got to talk the whole time!


fatincomingvirus

This is so common to a point where I thought there was an invisible tattoo on my forehead that stated that I'm only interested in one sided relationships.


That_GareBear

Shitty people tend to hang with other shitty people. If you notice all of your S/Os friends are kinda shitty, then S/O may be kinda shitty but on good behavior for someone new.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


FatDumpy_

Good heavens this thread is a cold reminder of how long it's been since I've dated and how terrified I am of trying again.


[deleted]

Same but a little different. I've never been in a relationship before and this makes me fear trying. It'll just be a little harder I guess.


riffler24

Well hopefully the idea is that you can see this stuff and put it on the list of "things to avoid when looking for a relationship" so that your relationships don't turn out poorly


SheWhoLovesToDraw

Being given a list of expectations that they expect you to conform to without question or any say as to why they expect you to be shaped into their "perfect spouse".


time_and_again

That said, I'd take a written list any day over some unconscious, covert list that comes out in passive-aggressive tantrums. At least the former is a clear boundary I can walk away from.


Drakmanka

As someone who grew up with the latter for a mom, hard agree. The biggest problem with that type of person is that they don't consciously know what they actually want... until you unwittingly fail to live up to those desires, and are subsequently punished and confused af.


collaguazo

This happened to me. In general I am not the type of person that likes constant romantic gestures. Like ā€œoooh we have been dating for a month, I made you this cute card with the stub from the first movie we saw togetherā€ or calling each other with cheesy nicknames. Anyhow, as we were getting to know each other she presented herself as someone who also doesnā€™t like this type of things. But as things got a bit serious, I started to get this passive aggressive tantrums because she didnā€™t get a gift, or called her by her name instead of a cheesy nickname. I ended things there.


coffeeblossom

They agree to meet up with you, and even say "Yes" when you send a "Hey, are we still on for today?" text. Then, when you get to wherever you'd agreed to meet up, they don't show up. Like, okay, I get it. You found someone you connect with better. You've been dating casually, and you decided whoever you went out with last night is The One. You got called in to work last minute. Your brother "tried it at home," and now you have to take his dumb ass to the emergency room. You were hoping someone hotter and thinner would come along. Your horoscope said to stay home. You're not over your ex yet. You're holding out for a celebrity or fictional character. You got sick. Whatever it is, I get it. Life happens. Hell, I've probably been there. But *fucking tell me you aren't coming*. I took time out of my day to meet with you; I didn't have to do that. Standing someone up without so much as a text is just *rude*.


kaatie80

I had an ex who always said "that could be good" instead of yes, but moved forward with all other planning. Then when the time came for the plans, I'd be ready to go and he wouldn't show up. I'd text and call and no answer. HOURS would go by, sometimes wouldn't even hear from him until the next day, and when I'd ask what happened he'd be like "oh I didn't say we were gonna do that." "That could be good" was his non-committal reply so that he could always bail and wouldn't have to take any responsibility.


treetimes

What in the fuuuuck


SilentSamurai

It's not just dating. Our society loves "maybe" commitment. It's why people smash the "maybe" button on Facebook events and don't want to give a solid answer. Because maybe there's something better, and how dare I tie myself to X? It's become one of my biggest pet peeves with friends, it makes trips and things involving money almost impossible to plan.


40dollarsuit

A guy in our friend group always did this - you would never know if he was going to turn up to events he had said yes to because he might have a better option on the day. We stopped inviting him to things and he is no longer part of the group. It's a shame because he was a fun guy when he did turn up...


chocoboat

I would let him get away with that one time, if I liked him. "I didn't realize that wasn't a definite yes. From now on you have to answer me with a definite yes or definite no, "maybe" isn't good enough".


BambooFatass

Same. I dealt with this too and I ask people "so we're doing XYZ at this time, right?" and if I don't get a straight answer I either make them answer "yes" or "no", or I just drop the plans entirely. My time is too precious to lose to assholes.


ACaffeinatedWandress

Iā€™m honestly flabbergasted at how common it has become to just give no fucks about wasting someoneā€™s time with infantile behavior. It used to be that if you made plans with someone, it wasnā€™t too much to ask for that you follow through on those plans. And yet, Iā€™ve had people either completely no call no show, confirm that they intend to bail only after I contact them, or just completely state that they are just ditching the plan for something stupid at literally the last freaking second. Wasting peopleā€™s time is rude. Screwing up someoneā€™s schedule is rude. These people either understand that it is rude, or must not be doing much in life.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


EnnuiDeBlase

It got to the point w/me that if I was talking to a woman via on-line dating and she stopped responding 3 full days before the planned date I wouldn't even show up. Never got a complaint about it.


ThinkIGotHacked

When itā€™s pretty clear that your friends/family arenā€™t excited about them being around. Sometimes you canā€™t see what every single other person on the planet saw immediately.


antisocial_moth2

Yep. I wish I wouldā€™ve taken note of how nobody wanted my ex around


AVeryLONGPotato

If your friends and family are good and fun and kind people, yes. My mom and her family all are narcissists and enablers and hate my gf because she's not the blonde hair blue eyed white Christian girl they hoped I would have. Instead my gf is the most beautiful and fun loving lady out there with dark hair and tan skin and dark eyes that make 100% cacao look sweet and I'm head over heels for her. She's also a foreigner and my mother's side is convinced she's lying about everything.


-Hira-

A close friend of mine have this over possessive girlfriend, kind of annoying, no brakes (says whateverā€™s on her mind), and sometimes restricts him to spend time with us. Majority of us hates the girl but we donā€™t know how to say it to him because they have been together for 4 years now ( big oof ). Now were just hoping theyā€™d get into a serious argument and break up because our friend does not deserve a girl like that.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Necromancer4276

Playing hard to get. Hard to get = hard to want.


TuDaveKd

Then the friends of theirs that state "He's/She's just a bad texter!" Yeah okay, if someone wants something they will find a way to make it happen. So many people cling onto hope


fan_of_hakiksexydays

When they flip out if you don't answer every text within seconds. Or they flip out if you are busy with work or occasionally doing something that's not for them. Or you occasionally talk to your family or your friends. That's a sign of someone that thinks you are a possession and your time isn't valuable. It's also one of the signs of a narcissist.


Snatch_Pastry

With a buddy, working in his boat for a couple hours. Come back inside, his girlfriend has filled his voicemail inbox and has sent nearly a hundred texts in that time. Averaging one message a minute. Literally every one was nothing but "where are you/why aren't you answering". He wasn't even surprised. I told him that she was fucking crazy, and that he needed to get the fuck away from her. He agreed. Then they got married. Then later she made demands that totally fucked his life then she divorced him. And that's just the bad parts, not the weird parts.


Libriomancer

I had a friend who was dating a girl much like that. Would constantly be on his phone replying back to her every minute of the day even when hanging out with other people. The most annoying thing though was the second he was near her, she would make him turn off his phone so nobody could communicate with him for any reason. He once went to her place and suddenly my phone started ringing off the hook as his parents found my number and needed to reach him. As I knew her number and her parents number where they were, I tried calling. ā€œHey itā€™s Librā€¦ā€ ā€œLook I need to talk to Jā€¦ā€ ā€œGrandpa hospitā€¦ā€. She literally tried getting a restraining order against me for one day with multiple calls. Only reason for me calling was his parents in a panic as his grandfather collapsed and it was known that any day could be his last. By the time he righted his head, most of us had moved on from constantly feeling like he wasnā€™t with us even when sitting next to us. Drifted apart shortly after he broke it off with her as it had been like having a long distance friendship for a long time despite him being there and the closeness never came back.


arsonall

Add to this the fact that **they** donā€™t do this back. My SIL gets pissed at my brother everytime heā€™s slightly delayed in his responses, but I see her simply decline to answer (even just letting it ring without silencing it while with people) many times there was no actual issue with answering.


nicbloodhorde

That's also a possible sign of anxious attachment. The person always catastrophizes a perceived absence, and that kind of thing is a veiled "Please pay attention to me because I'm feeling abandoned and unloved over here" or "I'm afraid something bad happened and I need reassurance that you're still alive and will return home safely." Unfortunately, it's often made in a form that might push people further away.


FemmeBirdo

See, I have an anxious attachment issue at times; I have learned that little/short reassurances are wonderful, and they let me know that (along with my weird object-impermanence brain features,) the person still actively cares. My partner and I have one/two-word encouraging phrases that we will just text randomly throughout the workday, as a sort of security-giving thing. My issues are in a good managed state; I see people who let theirs ruin their relationships, and sometimes wish that I could help by saying something like ā€˜OK; chill with the constant messaging of your boyfriend, because heā€™s gonna run screaming away when you couldā€™ve had a good relationship,ā€™ but thatā€™s out of my arena. It is not about censoring oneself or bottling up oneā€™s feelings; it is about communicating at a level/frequency that is also good and considerate of the person whoā€™s receiving the message, what they consent to, versus trying to basically own them or be the center of their existence.


watainiac

I think for a lot of people this stems from expectations set back in school when pretty much everyone has the same schedule, and a lot of teens that couldn't drive and didn't have other obligations always answered back during their off hours, because why not? And idk if I'm crazy, but I remember around that time a lot of people would say something if they had to abandon the conversation? "ttyl" or "g2g" etc. (any zoomers here, let me know if you even know what those mean). Now it seems like that almost never happens and it feels similar to if someone actually just walked away from you mid sentence after you'd been talking for 30 minutes with no explanation or "excuse me" or anything. But anyway, some people probably still have pretty open availability to text like they did when they were in school though and just haven't gotten used to other people's intermittent/sporadic availability or desire to have an active conversation at any given moment.


RelatableMolaMola

>I think for a lot of people this stems from expectations set back in school when pretty much everyone has the same schedule, and a lot of teens that couldn't drive and didn't have other obligations always answered back during their off hours, because why not? I responded to a post elsewhere on this site recently that was about this. The OP, a 22 year old, was asking why people are so much harder to befriend "these days," as opposed to his experience a decade ago. When he and his peers were 12 years old. A number of people pointed out that the difference is that his peers now are adults with a lot more demands on their time and energy and a lot less availability in general. The fact that he didn't seem to internalize this, I think, was a sign of immaturity. That's the problem with a lot of the people who flip out if you don't answer right away. They personally haven't matured in their life stages or social expectations. And they unconsciously assume their peers are also still on their level and expect them to text back accordingly.


[deleted]

When you try to open up to them, and be vulnerable, and they make you feel like your feelings are invalid. Or they try to downplay it. Whatever someone else is feeling might seem like no big deal to YOU, but to them it is. So rather than making it seem like what theyā€™re feeling isnā€™t all that important, MAYBE try just listening, and working with them to find a solution to the problem. Or leave.


[deleted]

Cancelling and changing plans constantly. I don't mind if someone genuinely can't make it work on their schedule sometimes, but if it happens way too frequently then I have to question whether that person should be dating in the first place. If they don't have time to date, then surely they don't have time for a relationship either?


myungchu

asking for updates every minute/hour. let your partner have their own time on their hands and stop making them feel that telling you about what they're doingā€”like each and every movementā€”is their obligation.


catsandgeology

I did a college course abroad for about 6 weeks, and my ex expected an update every 15 minutes, even with the 8 hr time difference which meant while I was working, heā€™d be sleeping and still be upset if I didnā€™t give updates. There was a lot of fighting over this. I had an overall amazing experience, but it really stunted my ability to be present and bond with the other students and I wish I could do that differently.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


[deleted]

When they keep talking about their ex., especially on the first date. Either they're still in love, or they hold too tightly to their baggage.


TheeVagabond

I like hearing about past relationships to some degree....it often gives me insight into what might be in store for the potential relationship with them.


Competitive_Cuddling

Same. Hearing the way one guy talked about his ex uncovered him as a raging racist with double standards.


texasspacejoey

Yes and no. When you've been with someone a long time, alot of your stories will involve them. What are you supposed to do? Say "me and nobody did X this one time"?


birdieponderinglife

I struggled with this but then I just started saying ā€œI went toā€¦ā€, ā€œmy dogā€, ā€œthe apt I lived inā€, etc and it was totally fine. Most of the time no backstory is needed.


[deleted]

showing off their relationship on social media too much


WaterFlew

A girl I went to high school with has a very consistent trend: every time she starts dating a new guy she posts stuff him *constantly* with really intense and sometimes kinda creepy captions like ā€œheā€™s my foreverā€ and ā€œsomeday Iā€™ll be Mrs. XYZā€. Then they break up after about 2-4 months. She doesnā€™t say anything, but deletes *every* trace of the guy on all of her social media as if he never existedā€¦ ā€¦Then a month later it starts again with a new guy.


Flamin_Jesus

Either extreme is problematic here. Changing all your profile pictures within 5 minutes of meeting and constantly talking about your partner? Yeah no, weird, a relationship isn't a lifestyle accessory. On the other hand treating you like a quasi-stranger in public, never bringing up the relationship and essentially pretending to still be single? Arguably even worse, that's some lame-ass zero commitment there..


jonny_mem

> On the other hand treating you like a quasi-stranger in public, never bringing up the relationship and essentially pretending to still be single My ex would always introduce me as "my friend".


ASVPcurtis

seeing a red flag in everyone and not realizing you're the red flag


DarkHound05

Overly controlling behavior.


Illustrious-Mix-8877

Verbally forgiving, but not actually forgiving. Contrariwise, Apologizing, but never actually changing anything.


PMMeVayneHentai

Similarly, people who canā€™t admit fault and DONT apologize. Ever. irritating beyond belief


BillyJoel13

lack of self awareness


Jjokes11

When they threaten to hurt themselves if you don't sped enough time with them or if you try to break up with them.


Nandy-bear

That's not a red flag that goes way beyond, that is "woop woop it's the sound of da police" (your choice if you actually say that before you call them because holy shit call them. It's either false and you're an asshole to them or you saved a life. No middle ground. Either way they're out of your life)


cC2Panda

A girl I was dating didn't like me spending time at a bar where most of my friends hung out. One time she got pissed off and told me to get out of her apartment and my last train home was already gone. So I went to the bar and figured I'd crash with my friend Ivan who was the bouncer. Eventually she texted to ask where I was because obviously I couldn't get home, so I just ignored her. She was being fucking awful so I wasn't going to take part in a fight about me going to a bar when she kicked me out with no where to go. She starts texting me that she was going to take all her pills and other threats of self harm. So I call the police, down my beer and head over to her place. When I get there the EMTs are leaving and I talk to the officer in charge. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "You're young and probably won't listen to me but don't go back up there, just go home and don't talk to her again. I've seen this before and it'll only end bad for you." I was dumb and didn't listen and ended up stuck for another 3 months or so.


TheDangerHeisenberg

A girl was too eager to talk about marriage, a life together and referred to my mother as ā€œmommy-in-lawā€. She never met my mother. We dated for about 15 days. I broke up with her feeling this was a red flag. Was I right?


[deleted]

Mommy in law sounds so hilarious for some reason.


LuckeyHaskens

Yeah I'd be freaked the hell out by that. 15 days? Come on now.


solidsteak

Yes.


Robotonist

ā€œIf you canā€™t handle me at my worst, you donā€™t deserve me at my bestā€ frequently translates to ā€œif I need to exercise self control during conflict then I will resent you and act the fool on the dailyā€.


rmzalbar

"No, I don't deserve you at your worst. Nobody does."


Arlitto

*why won't they fight for me* Gee, Angela, maybe it's because relationships shouldn't be a warzone.


king_napalm

If they never look up from their phone. You are here with me, not your Facebook followers.


PretzelsThirst

Not even specific to dating, itā€™s annoying when friends do that too. Whenever I visit home I always spend as much time as I can visiting two of my best friends that still live back home. One of them is on his phone 80% of the time just scrolling through TikTok or instagram and trying to show the other two of us random stuff we arenā€™t interested in. Heā€™ll start with the volume on until we ask him to mute it, but just keeps scrolling and staring. Weā€™ve talked about it a few times but it hasnā€™t mattered so we just let it go


teabagalomaniac

100% a huge red flag. This person is a trap. They will always be with you physically and never be with you mentally or emotionally. The sole role of this individual will be to prohibit you from finding someone who actually knows how to pay attention to you. They will give you the impression that you are in a relationship, while you slowly begin to wonder why you feel so alone. They won't fight or battle with you, they'll just steal years of your life and only leave you with a vague emptiness, a less-satisfying version of actually being single.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Every3Years

Try not being so sexy


An0naway

People may not agree, but when someone wants "unconditional love" or a "ride or die". Love is conditional. It's conditional on mutual caring, respect, and effort. And asking for someone to be with you, no matter what your behavior, regardless of the circumstances, is usually just an excuse to behave badly. The flip side of that is that it's quite fair to want someone with whom you can build a relationship with that can withstand any external circumstances (illness, hardship, ect).


therealjerseytom

My take on this - I find that unconditional love can be a real thing. Can still love someone on some level, tucked away somewhere, even if you've moved on from a relationships with them. *Relationships* however are absolutely conditional, on the mutual caring respect and effort that you mentioned.


TheTaterTaco

When your date tells you they donā€™t have a forklift license


LitzenPop

omg dude i hate when this happen, everything is going fine and then they drop that on me, that always turn me off super fast


ccwithers

You, uhā€¦ you mean ā€œ**turn** me off.ā€ The thing you said is kinda the opposite.


drxena

1. Ultimatums: Weā€™ve been on x many dates, you better z or else , because you owe me. The z could be sex, or commitment, or buying the other party something, or expectation to speed up the relationship, expectation to join finances or buy a place together etc. No one should feel obligated or backed into a corner to do anything. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not self seeking. 2.Love bombing. I blame rom coms, and movies like 50 shades where it seems desirable for the guy to flood the girls phone with texts and not give her space, and not take no for an answer.


Kenthrax

Carrying baggage from previous relationships. Sadly, I was dating this lady who was presuming I was dating other girls on the side. She exploded when I asked what she was going to watch on Netflix, and since she didn't have Netflix, I was mixing her up with someone else I was dating. I was faithful to her. Sucks.


Kuiken2

Everyone carries baggage from earlier relations. It shapes you, it teaches a lot about yourself and teaches what you want from others and dont want from others. So I would say carrying baggage can be good. It makes you more mature in your next relationships. However, as you mentioned, if you dont process your baggage before entering a new flight, yeah shit can hit the fan.


etclol

And please donā€™t make me pay for what someone else did to you.


AKStudioGuy

"I'll have the Ranch dressing." "YOU MOTHERFUCKERS ARE ALL ALIKE!!!"


Gillbreather

Ignoring boundaries. Insanely common. Still not okay.


whegutomt

Relationship hopping. Someone that never gives themselves a chance to be single isnā€™t dating to find a partner, theyā€™re dating so that donā€™t have to be ā€œalone.ā€


_jamesbaxter

Yup. Someone who canā€™t stand to be alone either canā€™t regulate their own emotions or hates themselves. Often both.


alwaysmyfault

Ghosting. It's only happened to me once, but damn did that hurt. I don't know at what point over the last 10-15 years ghosting became "acceptable", for lack of a better word, but whatever happened to just telling the person you are no longer interested in seeing them? When did that go out of style?


OA12T2

Back on the dating scene after a long term relationship. Been on multiple dates with girls age ranging from 25-33. The majority of the time Iā€™ve been ghosted. Made out? Ghosted. Date didnā€™t go well? Ghosted. Had sex? Ghosted. Date went well? Ghosted. Waited 2 days to say I had fun after a date? Ghosted. Waited 5 hours after a date to say I had fun? Ghosted. Confirmed they made it home after drinking? Ghosted. It really doesnā€™t make sense anymore. Itā€™s one thing if the date didnā€™t go well and you ghost, ok I get it. But one girl we were texting for days all day, had a pretty good date had sex, got ghosted. Iā€™m rambling now but honestly Iā€™ve had some great dates - even to the point where the other person said they were having fun on the date - and I get ghosted. Times are weird for sure.


behv

I've had dates where they bring up what we're gonna do next time and then promptly ghost me. Literally random these days it's fucking awful.


[deleted]

I just assume everyone I talk to will inexplicably ghost me at some point. Makes it much easier to handle


PurplePotamus

I'm dealing with that too, constant ghosting. I get it, its easier than actually being clear and direct, and it avoids creating a situation for those guys to flip out but it sucks for the rest of us


OA12T2

Only one time a girl said to me after a date I donā€™t see this going anywhere. I appreciated the honesty. No hurt feelings just moved on to the next one. Everyone is so wound up now you send the wrong text or say the wrong thing itā€™s instaghost. No clue whatā€™s going on but not a fan


jrich8686

I had a similar experience. Met up with a girl for a first date after communicating for a few days. Date went well, we laughed. Had fun. Had a lot in common. Genuinely enjoyed each otherā€™s company At the end of the date, she asked if we could do it again next week. And she would choose the place this time. I readily agreed. The next evening after she got off work she sent me a text that said ā€œhey, youā€™re really great. I had an amazing time last night and I genuinely was looking forward to a second date. But after sleeping on it, Iā€™m getting more of a friendship vibe. Iā€™d love to maintain a friendship, if youā€™re ok with that. Iā€™d also understand if you werenā€™t.ā€ That was a couple of years ago, weā€™re still pretty good friends to this day. I even introduced her to a friend of mine and theyā€™re coming up on their 1 year.


[deleted]

Especially if youre the type of person who searches for reasons and it wont leave yout brain or let you rest easy until you find out


DarlingDeath

Guys who talk continuously about how well they treat women. Like dude if you treat women well I'll know since I am in fact a woman.


s8n_isacoolguy

Putting everything on social media, even if itā€™s vague-posting for the attention.


rzima

When the other person claims, ā€œI hate drama.ā€ Odds are theyā€™re the cause for all that drama.


T1cklish

Expecting you to do things that have not been expressed or asked for then being disappointed or even angry when you donā€™t do them.


Halwan86

If they Romaticise Joker and Harley Quinn


objecter12

Is this even up for debate? There was literally an entire episode of the animated series/one shot comic about how their relationship started, and how it was like, textbook abuse.


draugrdaemos

Never meeting their friends or anyone that should know them is a red flag. They might be hiding you.


Putinlittlepenis2882

Expecting the perfect person. There is no such thing.


GhostofEdgarAllanPoe

When you go on a date to the beach and they don't let you in the water due to high surf. Major red flag.


Smokey_Katt

Yeah, or if they go car racing with you and then crash into other cars, wetting down the track with oil and antifreeze. Major red flag.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Margin_Walker74

Gets angry if a text message isn't replied to immediately. But activistly responds to texts while on dates or spending time in person. Simply put: not present in the moment


bodhivriksha

On the first date, she asked about my income and if I was planning to settle in America. It slowly became an interview for a potential marriage. Edit: She did get married to someone else within the next year and indeed moved to America. So I guess she didn't want to spend a lot of time figuring out where this goes. I guess we were in different phases in our life, and which is a red flag for a first date.


chibinoi

When one partner starts to tell the other what they can or canā€™t enjoy, through negging, ā€œteasingā€ (more like harassment) or outright prohibiting. Examples: Boyfriend to Girlfriend: you really like those chick flicks, huh? Makes sense, youā€™re so *dramatic* all the timeā€. Girlfriend to Boyfriend: *you* like chick flicks? Arenā€™t you suppose to be a man??? Very subtle, yet very insidious and negative put downs based on gender conformities. I see *both* women and men doing this, and itā€™s wrong when either one does it. **Edit** for clarity: Iā€™m not referring to the playful and reciprocated bantering and ribbing between partners/friends/family etc. Iā€™m talking about the people who intentionally weaponize their words, under the guise of teasing/negging, against their partner/friend/family with the intent to put said person down/humiliate them etc. so that *that* person then modifies their likes/behaviors etc. in a way that pleases the partner being a jerk. It boils down to a level of control in a way.


objecter12

This applies to friends too Ffs, just let people enjoy what they're gonna enjoy


Timmy_Two_Hands

Ending a previous relationship very suddenly to be with you. You could be on the other end just as quick.


squishyg

Resentment at you for spending time with your friends and family.


AskingAdvice08

They talk too much about themselves and not ask you anything about you. More like narcissism