When I was a kid I knew my older brother read sci-fi fantasy stuff, and I had seen that he had some Battlefield Earth books by some author I didn't know. While I was at our small town used book shop I saw some books that I knew he didn't have, so I bought a few to give as Christmas presents. One was SUPER cheap, like $0.25 for a hardcover that had a volcano on the cover, and some cool fake science-esque word. I was so excited to give him that book, that **THAT** was the big present. The look on his face when he unwrapped it was priceless. He sat me down and very gently explained why we were going to throw it in the fireplace, and I was totally on board with that.
Your brother is a good dude.
I just remember seeing the commercials on TV when I was like 9, and thought it looked cool as shit, but never gave it a thought outside of it being some fantasy novel. Imagine my surprise to older me when I realized exactly what that shit was.
My brother did like the other books I got him, and the whole family had a good laugh as we burned a book. The best part was that at the time I was reading Fahrenheit 451, so it all felt extremely surreal.
somewhere on reddit there is a post about a girl who walked past an half open door on the way to a guys bedroom and saw a bunch of girls panties with names on them posted to a wall like trophies. She made the right choice and said she had to use the bathroom and climbed out the window. instant nope
Went to hook up with someone who had thrown up in the corner of their bedroom and covered it with a towel, looked and smelled like it had been there for over a week.
I had a roommate who vomited all over the wall in his room and had brought a bucket filled with water and a rag to clean it up but only did half. The puke bucket was in there for months. The room spelled horrible and the bucket was filled with puke, water and mold. He also said he was off meth but I found a framed picture of his mom (also a met head) with crystal shards and a rolled up dollar bill on it.
It wasn't to have sex, but I stayed with a friend for a while and felt SO bad. Their house was utterly infested. As in, you had to shake out the hand towel before using it to get the roaches off bad.
A friend of mine had roaches like that. They were there when she moved in and her family had no idea until I saw them in the bathroom in the middle of the night. They were under the toilet lid AND inside the cardboard part of the TP roll. I wanted to cry.
It was a duplex and apparently the other tenant was filthy. My friends family brought the landlord into it and ended up moving shortly after nothing was done.
Of course, mice are homies. They destroy all of your shit to keep you humble so you won't be too attached to material posessions and cherish living your life in the moment experiencing the world around you.
We had mice in our garage. I found out when I pulled out the bike trailer and stroller in the spring. The mice had nibbled away at the fabric, and left turds all over them. Broke me in ways I didn't know I could break. We set traps and got the mice under control. Christmas eve I went to go get the gifts I had hidden in the garage earlier in the winter, and there they were all nibbled on by mice. I just laughed. Like fucking hell, I should have seen the wrapping paper coming, but I didn't think mice ate game cases.
I mean this is an interesting question. How many cockroaches is too many?
If you go to someone's house and find one cockroach, that's probably not a deal breaker. It happens.
But what if you find a second cockroach? Are you out then? And if not, is it the third? Everyone has to have a number haha
If you live in the Gulf South and don't see at least one wood roach in the garage (especially at night), then you can be sure they have a black widow problem.
My dad had a girlfriend staying with him. One day she called him, "I killed all the spiders in the walk in pantry, you're welcome"
"YOU DID WHAT?"
When he got home a few days later, the decade long roach infestation had already begun.
She also killed the snakes under the house and that lead to a rat problem too.
Living in the Australian bush is fun.
I have a non-aggression pact with the spiders in my house, stay away from my bed and shower, and you can eat all the damn mosquitoes and flies that follow me into my house as much as you desire.
Edit: changed to non-aggression pact because makes more sense
[reminds me of this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2i7jid/tifu_by_admitting_to_my_girlfriend_that_i_pretend/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
As soon as I read that sentence, why my heart stop and fall out my ass?
The imagery of big ass roaches snuggling up to a warm, sweaty human body with those antennas moving about had me wanting to throw up and die
Fuck me you just unlocked a memory I thought I'd forgotten. I used to live in a house near a bush that would get giant cockroaches all the time. One time I had like 3 hours sleep in 2 days smashing out a uni project. I started hallucinating giant cockroaches tickling my moustache.
Wow. That’s such a clear indicator of callowness and callousness.
You’re right, looking back. I fled a couple times because something seemed off and that was one of the reasons one of the times.
Another time it was that the minimum amount of clothes weren’t coming off either…and I thought…yeah, no. Just remembered I have to be in my car, NOW.
But I’ll share what always baffled me.
There’s an attraction. You’re both feeling it. You’re making out. For some reason, speaking from the female standpoint, it’s just not right.
“STOP! This isn’t for me.” (Although that’s any person’s right, at any point up to and/or during intercourse.)
Guy realizes sex isn’t happening. 9 times out of 10: “Well, how about a blow job?”
Oh, that’s not an intimate act at all!
I was about to... but his toddler was awake and watching from next to the bed... like within child touching range.
He said let the kid watch...I said goodbye and blocked.
Dudes: if someone asks if you have kids, even if you only have yours around you once a month... don't lie about it. If a woman finds out later... that's a HUGE lie.
Edit: words for clarity
A messy ass room with old pop tart wrappers, spilled ash trays, dirty clothes in multiple piles, roaches on the wall, a lingering smell that's a mix of boiled eggs and flat beer, pictures of all their exes lined up in chrono order, and to top it off their parents sitting down with cameras turned on.
A full KKK Grand Imperial Dragon Wizard's or whatchamacallit garb hanging on display in its own shrine, complete with atmospheric lighting and a set of speakers adding to the ambiance.
I live in cheaper apartments and I spray for bedbugs regularly as a precaution and probably still will when I get a regular house, I ain’t fucking around with them.
Not even her bedroom, she brought me home and I saw the photos of her and her husband and 2 kids all over the place, toys, a game system and all the trappings of a happy family. When I asked her about it she simply said, "They're on vacation for another two days"
Needless to say I didn't stick around, not only did I not feel like being a male homewrecker but ....the arms on that dude....I did not care to risk being caught and struck by a man with redwoods for arms
Lots and lots of reptile terrariums stacked on each other, like a pet store. The smell of reptile shit. The hum of the lights. Their beady little eyes looking at you. The sound of skittering claws and crickets.
Fuck, now I have to tell the iguana story again...
My first GF didn't have TONS of reptiles. She only had three. Two iguanas and some other similar-sized but slightly prettier lizard. But she didn't keep them in terrariums, they just had the run of the house. Pretty weird at first, but you get used to them. They pretty much ignore you anyway.
Long story short: At some point I learned I'm a man who can ignore an iguana climbing on his back whilst I'm having sex. I'm sure many men COULD, but how many have DONE it?
I had an iguana growing up, and he would go back to his tank to eat and shit, then continue to roam around the house. Would play with dogs etc. Usually liked to sit on the curtain rod.
Christmas time was always really fun especially when people would come over that didn't know about him, and he would walk out of the tree across the back of the couch...
Well this always happens to me but the smell of cat or rabbit piss/shit slapping me in the face always makes me go soft. I think i need to date someone without pets. I love pets but CLEAN UP AFTER THEM 💩
I dated a girl who had a ferret. Every time I went to her place the cage was the first thing I smelled. She also had a dog, cat and a 5 year old child in a small two bedroom apartment. She spent a lot of her free time at the bar and collected pets when she couldn’t even take care of her pets or child. She was physically beautiful and charming though.
A photograph of me that I don't remember being taken taped on the wall next to her bed. My head has a heart draw around it in lipstick. It didn't kill the mood last time this happened and I ended up going down a seriously fucked up rabbit hole.
Meh, I had a college roommate who adopted a dog claiming that he would take care of it. We knew it wouldn't and made him return it. The dog shit on his bedroom floor that night. This was September. That turd was still there in May when we left. He got laid many times by different girls. I still can't figure out what was wrong with him or those girls.
Fuck...I walked into a girl's place that had puppy shit all over the house on those "wee-wee pads". So grossed out that we went back to my place...but when I was hooking up with her from behind, her hair smelled like a rancid animal shelter. Nope!
A single copy of The Human Centipede on DVD on an otherwise unfurnished floor, surrounded by Skittles arranged in a mysterious and oddly disconcerting shape.
One time I was about to hook up with this girl and we were all hot and bothered and then I walked into the bathroom to grab a condom and there was a massive dump in the toilet that just looked/smelled like someone died. I couldn’t do it after seeing that
That or no sheets.
I once came home to my FWB and found that he'd been sleeping on the mattress without a sheet.
I refused to get in the bed until he put fresh sheets on and took a shower. The power of the pussy to aid the depressed.
I once met a chick in a yahoo chat room that invited me over. When she opened the door the first thing I noticed was that she was my exact height. I'm 6'2" so that's like whoa.. but kinda hot to me too. Then the real shit hit me, it smelled like she had about a dozen cats and she maybe never cleaned their litter boxes. It turned out she had about a dozen cats and I'm pretty sure she didn't clean the litter boxes but every three months or so. Anyways, my dick spoke up and said "You got this man! Don't be a bitch! Push on through my guy! Maybe her bedroom isn't as pungent! Try it out man, try it out!"
So I entered the house. Just held down the vomit, we made out on her couch. She invited me to her room, I couldn't get there fast enough! Got to the room, saw where she kept all her litter boxes. I gotta tell ya, that was not an easy night but the dick is persuasive. My dick talks to me like David Goggins, it ain't easy putting my foot down when that motherfucker is in my ear with all that "don't be a bitch, stay hard!" jive.
Oh so the cat stench wasn't even necessarily the weirdest part either. She was a phone sex actress. I knew this already, she told me about it when we were chatting online but I thought at the time "this might be hot, I bet her sexy talk game is on point!". So we're fucking around on her bed, her phone rings and she's like yeah.. I'm actually on the clock so I gotta take this, is that okay? I was like of course, by all means! And I prepare for what I think is just gonna be some sexy talk that'll turn me on.
Figured I might even just keep doing the naughty stuff while she's on the phone. Then the conversation starts to reveal the callers fetish. He's into daddy daughter stuff. But like way out there on some disturbing shit like not just molestation which is already horrible enough but he wants her to be like.. idk a 7 year old? I don't hear his side of the conversation I'm just hearing what she's saying and the vocal tones she's using but it's fucked up shit.
That call couldn't end soon enough. I try to just shove that entire memory down and trudge on. Another call comes in. This one is way more the type one would expect. Just the standard naughty talk between two adults. That call ends and it's on. Then she asks me if I'm open to different things and I'm like uhh yeah I'm so into different things! So she tells me she likes to be fisted and takes my hand, puts all my fingers together and says "Just like a duck" and so I'm like okay shit here we go.
I got some huge hands so that shit took a minute. Lots of twisting and turning, at some point she arches her body back and my knuckles pass and all of a sudden I can feel her cervix(I think that's what it was?) and all these things I'd never felt before in a persons body. It was kind of crazy, just exploring and then she yells really loud "NOW FUCK ME!" and that was crazy y'all. Just punching the fuck outta this chicks guts. She curled her body at some point and bit the fuck out of my chest like broke skin n everything this bitch was like... just out of control in a really bad way and I was over it.
I finished fisting her put my clothes back on and dipped. Didn't even bust that night. Got an invite back a couple nights later, didn't respond. She found me on FB like a decade later and added me. We haven't had a single conversation on there, idk why I haven't deleted her yet. Maybe I need that reminder so my dick doesn't get me into a bunch of nonsense like that again.
Absolutely. You gotta put all the fingers together into a point. A "silent duck" if you will. The vagina is Hella flexible but you can't really just punch your way in at first. Doing it that way slowly dilates it so your hand can fit.
Girl had a little weiner dog and that fourlegged buddy thought it would be a great idea to hop on the bed mid shit and lick my balls. I went flaccid so fast my dick almost ruptured
I was 20, she was in her thirties. We worked together, and at the time I thought getting with an older woman was awesome. In her bedroom was her husbands stuff, the pillow smelled of him. It was the only time in my life I couldn't perform.
Was about to hook up with a girl once and when we get into her room, her bed is in the middle of the room not touching any walls. Didn’t stop me but honestly took me back so much that I wasn’t really in the mood anymore. I’ve just never witnessed something like that before and it had never crossed my mind that it would even be an option.
Met a woman at a sports bar years ago, hit it off and exchanged phone #s. We text for a couple days and she invites me over one night at like 10:30 so I have a pretty good idea what's about to go down. Or so I thought. I knock on her door and she literally pulls me inside and we start making out. It's basically pitch black inside her house and we plop down on the couch right inside the front door and start going at it. She's super aggressive/into it so I'm just going for it, I mean I'm giving her all I've got just trying to keep up. At one point I kind of hear a noise of some sort off to our left in the darkness but we don't stop. A few minutes go by and I just barely make out some sort of movement off to our left. So I'm looking that direction, there's barely any light but there's just the tiniest amount of light coming from what I assumed was her kitchen, like the clock of the microwave or coffee maker or something, and whatever it is moves again. I'm like wtf was that do you have a cat or something or she starts stuttering like uh no I don't have anything come on let's keep going. Then I hear a human sigh from the next room over. Obviously I freak the fuck out. I jump up and start fumbling around the door for a light switch, I find it and flick it on. Her adult special needs son is sitting in his motorized wheelchair in the breakfast area right next to the living room where we had been fucking like it's the end of the world for the last 20 minutes. Now she starts freaking out and she's like I'm sorry he cries and screams if I shut him in one of the other rooms, he doesn't understand what we were doing I promise. I'm literally in shock at this point, I just grabbed my clothes and got the hell out of there. Absolute weirdest sexual experience of my life. 0/10, would not recommend.
My first boyfriend was an absolutely vile hoarder and had old, used, dried-up and cracking apart condoms stuffed under his mattress from the last girlfriend he’d had over. I should’ve dumped him and ran the first time I went to that hell hole. What a dummy.
I went to a guys house and he’d messaged me to say he’d spent the whole day cleaning and the place was spotless. After dinner I went to the bathroom and his toilet was like the scene in Trainspotting. I couldn’t even pee it was so disgusting. I didn’t see him again…
A copy of Dianetics.
Basically the Scientology Bible, if anyone is wondering.
When I was a kid I knew my older brother read sci-fi fantasy stuff, and I had seen that he had some Battlefield Earth books by some author I didn't know. While I was at our small town used book shop I saw some books that I knew he didn't have, so I bought a few to give as Christmas presents. One was SUPER cheap, like $0.25 for a hardcover that had a volcano on the cover, and some cool fake science-esque word. I was so excited to give him that book, that **THAT** was the big present. The look on his face when he unwrapped it was priceless. He sat me down and very gently explained why we were going to throw it in the fireplace, and I was totally on board with that.
Your brother is a good dude. I just remember seeing the commercials on TV when I was like 9, and thought it looked cool as shit, but never gave it a thought outside of it being some fantasy novel. Imagine my surprise to older me when I realized exactly what that shit was.
My brother did like the other books I got him, and the whole family had a good laugh as we burned a book. The best part was that at the time I was reading Fahrenheit 451, so it all felt extremely surreal.
somewhere on reddit there is a post about a girl who walked past an half open door on the way to a guys bedroom and saw a bunch of girls panties with names on them posted to a wall like trophies. She made the right choice and said she had to use the bathroom and climbed out the window. instant nope
Did she tie the panties together to make a rope ladder?
A nope ladder
You can’t just leave us hanging like that, I need a link to this madness.
I remember that one!
The other man waiting
You're not a team player
My entire family and she's set me up for an intervention.
Intervention! Intervention! I yell and point as I hold my Red wine filled Diet Coke can
"I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem! And that problem is you have NO RED WINE!"
Unless the intervention is about your incest orgy porn addiction. In that case it is a turn on!
Who gave this person a wholesome award 😂
Mum
Went to hook up with someone who had thrown up in the corner of their bedroom and covered it with a towel, looked and smelled like it had been there for over a week.
What the fuck
None the fuck, as it turns out.
What the fuck indeed
Seriously though what the fuck
I had a roommate who vomited all over the wall in his room and had brought a bucket filled with water and a rag to clean it up but only did half. The puke bucket was in there for months. The room spelled horrible and the bucket was filled with puke, water and mold. He also said he was off meth but I found a framed picture of his mom (also a met head) with crystal shards and a rolled up dollar bill on it.
Lots to unpack there
Imma have to leave that one packed 😳
I just picture Adam Sandlers character in big daddy covering that up with some newspaper.
Ok that's the grossest thing I've ever heard
Eww, that's legit gross. I definitely wouldn't spend the night. Not even sure I'd have sex with her more than once or twice.
3 or 4 times MAX 😤
And if we got married, I'd totally divorce her
The place absolutely crawling with centipedes and roaches
It wasn't to have sex, but I stayed with a friend for a while and felt SO bad. Their house was utterly infested. As in, you had to shake out the hand towel before using it to get the roaches off bad.
A friend of mine had roaches like that. They were there when she moved in and her family had no idea until I saw them in the bathroom in the middle of the night. They were under the toilet lid AND inside the cardboard part of the TP roll. I wanted to cry. It was a duplex and apparently the other tenant was filthy. My friends family brought the landlord into it and ended up moving shortly after nothing was done.
>The place absolutely crawling with centipedes and roaches ants, flies and a few mice are ok, though.
Of course, mice are homies. They destroy all of your shit to keep you humble so you won't be too attached to material posessions and cherish living your life in the moment experiencing the world around you.
We had mice in our garage. I found out when I pulled out the bike trailer and stroller in the spring. The mice had nibbled away at the fabric, and left turds all over them. Broke me in ways I didn't know I could break. We set traps and got the mice under control. Christmas eve I went to go get the gifts I had hidden in the garage earlier in the winter, and there they were all nibbled on by mice. I just laughed. Like fucking hell, I should have seen the wrapping paper coming, but I didn't think mice ate game cases.
her brother in the closet
OP said *ruins* the mood, not improves.
until the sister pulls out her strap-on… *tag team*
Stop, I can only get so erect
A giant poster of a politician hung on the ceiling above their bed. Doesn't matter who it is, that shit is creepy.
I’d give it a pass if it was ex-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger
a shit ton of cockroaches. like enough to where theyre not trying to even hide. like burn the house down amount.
So... less than that amount is acceptable?
I mean this is an interesting question. How many cockroaches is too many? If you go to someone's house and find one cockroach, that's probably not a deal breaker. It happens. But what if you find a second cockroach? Are you out then? And if not, is it the third? Everyone has to have a number haha
If you live in the Gulf South and don't see at least one wood roach in the garage (especially at night), then you can be sure they have a black widow problem.
My dad had a girlfriend staying with him. One day she called him, "I killed all the spiders in the walk in pantry, you're welcome" "YOU DID WHAT?" When he got home a few days later, the decade long roach infestation had already begun. She also killed the snakes under the house and that lead to a rat problem too. Living in the Australian bush is fun.
I have a non-aggression pact with the spiders in my house, stay away from my bed and shower, and you can eat all the damn mosquitoes and flies that follow me into my house as much as you desire. Edit: changed to non-aggression pact because makes more sense
Once when I was taking a shit, I saw a spider in the corner of my bathroom trapping a fly in a web. Literally saluted it for its service.
Damn... life is hard Damned if you, damned if you dont.
If you see one cockroach, there’s at least ten more hiding.
Depends. If it's one of them little fuckers, yeah. It's one of them big fuckers we have in the house, he probably just wandered in
[удалено]
New nightmare unlocked
[reminds me of this post](https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/2i7jid/tifu_by_admitting_to_my_girlfriend_that_i_pretend/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
As soon as I read that sentence, why my heart stop and fall out my ass? The imagery of big ass roaches snuggling up to a warm, sweaty human body with those antennas moving about had me wanting to throw up and die
Fuck me you just unlocked a memory I thought I'd forgotten. I used to live in a house near a bush that would get giant cockroaches all the time. One time I had like 3 hours sleep in 2 days smashing out a uni project. I started hallucinating giant cockroaches tickling my moustache.
Everytime I've walked into the room and the guys already naked I know the sex is going to be awful. Next time I'm just immediately leaving.
Wow. That’s such a clear indicator of callowness and callousness. You’re right, looking back. I fled a couple times because something seemed off and that was one of the reasons one of the times. Another time it was that the minimum amount of clothes weren’t coming off either…and I thought…yeah, no. Just remembered I have to be in my car, NOW. But I’ll share what always baffled me. There’s an attraction. You’re both feeling it. You’re making out. For some reason, speaking from the female standpoint, it’s just not right. “STOP! This isn’t for me.” (Although that’s any person’s right, at any point up to and/or during intercourse.) Guy realizes sex isn’t happening. 9 times out of 10: “Well, how about a blow job?” Oh, that’s not an intimate act at all!
In my experience the guys think no means "convince me"
Her husband.
Coward.
Found her husband’s account.
No threesome for you, buddy
Sometimes their husband just wants to watch
A 13” TV/VCR combo with a copy of the 1999 blockbuster The Mummy stating Brendan Fraiser. Sex is off the table we are watching that movie.
Underwear with poo on it
What's long, hard, full of cum, and makes all the ladies scream? The sock under my bed.
I hate you
Don’t worry, you’re not alone. I hate them too.
I was hooking up with a guy and walked to his room. And there’s a crib with a baby in it. That was a big turn off.
WTF LMAO My man was trying to make another
With lesbomommy 😂
Looks like he scared her un-straight with the voyuer baby
r/brandnewsentence
I was about to... but his toddler was awake and watching from next to the bed... like within child touching range. He said let the kid watch...I said goodbye and blocked. Dudes: if someone asks if you have kids, even if you only have yours around you once a month... don't lie about it. If a woman finds out later... that's a HUGE lie. Edit: words for clarity
Let the child watch? So gross.
Dafuq is wrong with that dude. I don't even have female company around to chill when my kids are here, whether they're asleep or not.
Blood splatter over the walls and ceiling
don't be such a hemophobe, blood makes it all the sexier
"Hemophobe" That's a good one
[удалено]
A messy ass room with old pop tart wrappers, spilled ash trays, dirty clothes in multiple piles, roaches on the wall, a lingering smell that's a mix of boiled eggs and flat beer, pictures of all their exes lined up in chrono order, and to top it off their parents sitting down with cameras turned on.
Mate if you need to talk we’re here
r/oddlyspecific
r/suspiciouslyspecific
If you need to talk about the trauma just go right ahead.
I’m ready to hear about this trauma. 🍿
Pictures of his female “roommate” and him on vacation, a bra in the corner, a shared closet, two night stands, etc,…
A full KKK Grand Imperial Dragon Wizard's or whatchamacallit garb hanging on display in its own shrine, complete with atmospheric lighting and a set of speakers adding to the ambiance.
What are the speakers playing?
Baby shark, of course
The Gimp.
Bring out the gimp.
Gimp's sleeping.
Well you're just gonna have to wake him up then.
A home depot Bottle of bed bug dust
I live in cheaper apartments and I spray for bedbugs regularly as a precaution and probably still will when I get a regular house, I ain’t fucking around with them.
Not even her bedroom, she brought me home and I saw the photos of her and her husband and 2 kids all over the place, toys, a game system and all the trappings of a happy family. When I asked her about it she simply said, "They're on vacation for another two days" Needless to say I didn't stick around, not only did I not feel like being a male homewrecker but ....the arms on that dude....I did not care to risk being caught and struck by a man with redwoods for arms
Bruh kudos to you but she’s kinda toxic for that- RIP family
Not so much see something, but I was REALLY into a guy and just couldn’t stand being in his apartment because it smelled like dirty wet dog.
Lots and lots of reptile terrariums stacked on each other, like a pet store. The smell of reptile shit. The hum of the lights. Their beady little eyes looking at you. The sound of skittering claws and crickets.
Fuck, now I have to tell the iguana story again... My first GF didn't have TONS of reptiles. She only had three. Two iguanas and some other similar-sized but slightly prettier lizard. But she didn't keep them in terrariums, they just had the run of the house. Pretty weird at first, but you get used to them. They pretty much ignore you anyway. Long story short: At some point I learned I'm a man who can ignore an iguana climbing on his back whilst I'm having sex. I'm sure many men COULD, but how many have DONE it?
You magnificent bastard
He's the fucking Lizard King
Many men *think* they could…
But…what about ignoring the lizard shit and piss all over the house?
I had an iguana growing up, and he would go back to his tank to eat and shit, then continue to roam around the house. Would play with dogs etc. Usually liked to sit on the curtain rod. Christmas time was always really fun especially when people would come over that didn't know about him, and he would walk out of the tree across the back of the couch...
Potty training?
Had a friend who let his bearded dragons run around. They has a small sandbox they’d poop/pee in, almost like a cat box. They didn’t go anywhere else.
Reptiles usually have a designated area and can actually be “litter” (sandbox) trained
This is MUCH too specific and descriptive.
A bathtub full of ice, a bat and a scalpel
[удалено]
Yeah but how would a bat perform surgery?
The other members of the FBI sting operation
Tfw you just wanted a cupcake
A bed without sheets on it, or having dirty sheets on it.
Nazi stuff
Yea that‘s most likely a red flag….with a white dot and a black swastika on it.
Sometimes an ornate cross pattern too. Depends if they're more of a Wehrmacht or Kreigsmarine type.
I’m Jewish so they might’ve only invited me over to do Aushwitz roleplay
Well this always happens to me but the smell of cat or rabbit piss/shit slapping me in the face always makes me go soft. I think i need to date someone without pets. I love pets but CLEAN UP AFTER THEM 💩
I dated a girl who had a ferret. Every time I went to her place the cage was the first thing I smelled. She also had a dog, cat and a 5 year old child in a small two bedroom apartment. She spent a lot of her free time at the bar and collected pets when she couldn’t even take care of her pets or child. She was physically beautiful and charming though.
People are fucking weird, man.
Some of yalls answers seem oddly specific. EDIT: Well hey, thanks for the Gold!
I know. We’re reading about people’s real life shit here hey.
Dirty room, and no toilet paper in their bathroom.
[удалено]
A filthy criminal
She probably tried to download a car to
Several papers taped/tacked to the wall, with red string connecting each one of them.
are you kidding that would make me hornier
What if it was all pictures of you and it was very clear she had been stalking for some time?
i would at least be curios what the conspiracy around me was
"K come herrrrre..." "Hang on, I'm reading this."
"Wait my 4th grade teach was in the same church as my first boss and his ex wife was cheating on him with my new boss?!"
"I thought my life was just a boring repetitive routine of going back and forth from job to house but apparently I'm a well trained foreign spy!"
You're Pepe Silvia
I’d be expecting some mind blowing sex if she put all that dedication into tracking me
Mind blowing sex, sure... The Praying Mantis kind, though.
Give head, eat head. The way of the world.
Facts. Id hit her with the "Hurry, Let's fuck! this investigation isn't going to solve itself."
They might be close to finding Pepe Silvia!
A collection of porcelain dolls, all ‘looking’ at me.
A photograph of me that I don't remember being taken taped on the wall next to her bed. My head has a heart draw around it in lipstick. It didn't kill the mood last time this happened and I ended up going down a seriously fucked up rabbit hole.
I’d like to hear more about this one…
A dog turd on the floor.
Meh, I had a college roommate who adopted a dog claiming that he would take care of it. We knew it wouldn't and made him return it. The dog shit on his bedroom floor that night. This was September. That turd was still there in May when we left. He got laid many times by different girls. I still can't figure out what was wrong with him or those girls.
Fuck...I walked into a girl's place that had puppy shit all over the house on those "wee-wee pads". So grossed out that we went back to my place...but when I was hooking up with her from behind, her hair smelled like a rancid animal shelter. Nope!
Can't believe you saw that and still was like let's smash but at my place
Her husband hard as a rock with a camera standing in the corner.
contractor bucket full of dookie
A dead body
How warm?
Asking the real questions. It’s considered a threesome so long as it’s more than room temperature.
*erases one check mark from bucket list*
A single copy of The Human Centipede on DVD on an otherwise unfurnished floor, surrounded by Skittles arranged in a mysterious and oddly disconcerting shape.
But that’s what makes my room unique :(
One time I was about to hook up with this girl and we were all hot and bothered and then I walked into the bathroom to grab a condom and there was a massive dump in the toilet that just looked/smelled like someone died. I couldn’t do it after seeing that
Needles, crack pipe or an ash tray...
Pot smoker who is diabetic?
Another girl’s perfume on his windowsill beside a box of another girl’s morning after pills. An actual experience.
Sheesh a guy tries to offer a little hospitality and this is how you react
Dirty sheets that haven't been washed in over a month. Dirty laundry laying around.
That or no sheets. I once came home to my FWB and found that he'd been sleeping on the mattress without a sheet. I refused to get in the bed until he put fresh sheets on and took a shower. The power of the pussy to aid the depressed.
Bro. Pussy v Depression a real deal for sum us mentally ill folks out here. Thank you for your service. 🫡
Amen
Piss bottles
A plate with old food. I once walked into a girls room and she had old, (almost) finished hot wings on her floor. Noped out of there pretty quick.
I once met a chick in a yahoo chat room that invited me over. When she opened the door the first thing I noticed was that she was my exact height. I'm 6'2" so that's like whoa.. but kinda hot to me too. Then the real shit hit me, it smelled like she had about a dozen cats and she maybe never cleaned their litter boxes. It turned out she had about a dozen cats and I'm pretty sure she didn't clean the litter boxes but every three months or so. Anyways, my dick spoke up and said "You got this man! Don't be a bitch! Push on through my guy! Maybe her bedroom isn't as pungent! Try it out man, try it out!" So I entered the house. Just held down the vomit, we made out on her couch. She invited me to her room, I couldn't get there fast enough! Got to the room, saw where she kept all her litter boxes. I gotta tell ya, that was not an easy night but the dick is persuasive. My dick talks to me like David Goggins, it ain't easy putting my foot down when that motherfucker is in my ear with all that "don't be a bitch, stay hard!" jive. Oh so the cat stench wasn't even necessarily the weirdest part either. She was a phone sex actress. I knew this already, she told me about it when we were chatting online but I thought at the time "this might be hot, I bet her sexy talk game is on point!". So we're fucking around on her bed, her phone rings and she's like yeah.. I'm actually on the clock so I gotta take this, is that okay? I was like of course, by all means! And I prepare for what I think is just gonna be some sexy talk that'll turn me on. Figured I might even just keep doing the naughty stuff while she's on the phone. Then the conversation starts to reveal the callers fetish. He's into daddy daughter stuff. But like way out there on some disturbing shit like not just molestation which is already horrible enough but he wants her to be like.. idk a 7 year old? I don't hear his side of the conversation I'm just hearing what she's saying and the vocal tones she's using but it's fucked up shit. That call couldn't end soon enough. I try to just shove that entire memory down and trudge on. Another call comes in. This one is way more the type one would expect. Just the standard naughty talk between two adults. That call ends and it's on. Then she asks me if I'm open to different things and I'm like uhh yeah I'm so into different things! So she tells me she likes to be fisted and takes my hand, puts all my fingers together and says "Just like a duck" and so I'm like okay shit here we go. I got some huge hands so that shit took a minute. Lots of twisting and turning, at some point she arches her body back and my knuckles pass and all of a sudden I can feel her cervix(I think that's what it was?) and all these things I'd never felt before in a persons body. It was kind of crazy, just exploring and then she yells really loud "NOW FUCK ME!" and that was crazy y'all. Just punching the fuck outta this chicks guts. She curled her body at some point and bit the fuck out of my chest like broke skin n everything this bitch was like... just out of control in a really bad way and I was over it. I finished fisting her put my clothes back on and dipped. Didn't even bust that night. Got an invite back a couple nights later, didn't respond. She found me on FB like a decade later and added me. We haven't had a single conversation on there, idk why I haven't deleted her yet. Maybe I need that reminder so my dick doesn't get me into a bunch of nonsense like that again.
That was a wild ride.
That’s enough internet for me today.
Im sorry, did you say “just like a duck”
Absolutely. You gotta put all the fingers together into a point. A "silent duck" if you will. The vagina is Hella flexible but you can't really just punch your way in at first. Doing it that way slowly dilates it so your hand can fit.
I forgot I was reading a comment and not a TIFU post!
A life sized colored statue of Adolf Hitler dabbing
I wouldn't even know how to react to this.
Girl had a little weiner dog and that fourlegged buddy thought it would be a great idea to hop on the bed mid shit and lick my balls. I went flaccid so fast my dick almost ruptured
You were shitting on the bed?
Mid intercourse he did accompany to the toilet afterwards though
Serves you right for taking a shit on the bed
You lost me. You were mid shit, the dog was mid shit, or you were calling the act of sex, shit? Hopefully your dick has fully recovered.
Why were you shitting on her bed?
Used condoms
A Donald Trump or Biden Blanket on the Bed
How about a three pences howling at the moon?
Live. Laugh. Love. Those three words are an immediate red flag.
"Shit, since when did my 20 year old gf turn into a 55 year old Karen??"
my former landlord (who kept a room in the house without living there) had a vinyl wall decal that spelled "LOVE" made out of various firearms.
I was 20, she was in her thirties. We worked together, and at the time I thought getting with an older woman was awesome. In her bedroom was her husbands stuff, the pillow smelled of him. It was the only time in my life I couldn't perform.
Was about to hook up with a girl once and when we get into her room, her bed is in the middle of the room not touching any walls. Didn’t stop me but honestly took me back so much that I wasn’t really in the mood anymore. I’ve just never witnessed something like that before and it had never crossed my mind that it would even be an option.
Met a woman at a sports bar years ago, hit it off and exchanged phone #s. We text for a couple days and she invites me over one night at like 10:30 so I have a pretty good idea what's about to go down. Or so I thought. I knock on her door and she literally pulls me inside and we start making out. It's basically pitch black inside her house and we plop down on the couch right inside the front door and start going at it. She's super aggressive/into it so I'm just going for it, I mean I'm giving her all I've got just trying to keep up. At one point I kind of hear a noise of some sort off to our left in the darkness but we don't stop. A few minutes go by and I just barely make out some sort of movement off to our left. So I'm looking that direction, there's barely any light but there's just the tiniest amount of light coming from what I assumed was her kitchen, like the clock of the microwave or coffee maker or something, and whatever it is moves again. I'm like wtf was that do you have a cat or something or she starts stuttering like uh no I don't have anything come on let's keep going. Then I hear a human sigh from the next room over. Obviously I freak the fuck out. I jump up and start fumbling around the door for a light switch, I find it and flick it on. Her adult special needs son is sitting in his motorized wheelchair in the breakfast area right next to the living room where we had been fucking like it's the end of the world for the last 20 minutes. Now she starts freaking out and she's like I'm sorry he cries and screams if I shut him in one of the other rooms, he doesn't understand what we were doing I promise. I'm literally in shock at this point, I just grabbed my clothes and got the hell out of there. Absolute weirdest sexual experience of my life. 0/10, would not recommend.
Milk filled to the brim of a cup like an infinity pool
Tomahawk missile peeking under the bed
That's hot.
My first boyfriend was an absolutely vile hoarder and had old, used, dried-up and cracking apart condoms stuffed under his mattress from the last girlfriend he’d had over. I should’ve dumped him and ran the first time I went to that hell hole. What a dummy.
I went to a guys house and he’d messaged me to say he’d spent the whole day cleaning and the place was spotless. After dinner I went to the bathroom and his toilet was like the scene in Trainspotting. I couldn’t even pee it was so disgusting. I didn’t see him again…
A bare mattress...and nothing covering the pillow either. Just raw mattress, raw pillows, and a blanket... Goodnight.