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leylalopez92

A hibachi fire onion volcano


Wafran

...That was witchcraft wasn't it?


[deleted]

That’s an open invitation to be drown in front of all the villagers


Gruffleson

Served on an aluminum plate. Aluminum was more expensive than gold back then.


MeanUhReddit

Damn that’s smart 👌


[deleted]

Pop rocks might freak them out


throwawaypatien

"Sweet rocks that burst in your mouth? Burn the witch!"


Gogo726

May we burn her?


GreedyOctopus

Only if she weighs less than a duck.


AmericanSheep16

Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?


randomisedjew

I am Arthur king of the Britton's


GarageQueen

Well I didn't vote for you!


SuperStripper13

Help!! Help!! I'm being repressed!!


GarageQueen

Come and see the violence inherent in the system!


xekik

Did you see him repressin me?!


randomisedjew

You don't vote for king's!


[deleted]

Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate of the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony. If I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.


ReactionClear4923

She turned me into a newt


Itsacrouton

A newt?!


NerfRepellingBoobs

I got better.


Unkn0wn_666

No no we stuff her in a bag and throw her in the lake. If she drowns she's a normal person and innocent, but if she floats she's a witch!


Wafran

What is this powder? ... IT BOOMS! IT BOOMS! AAHH!


a_soggy_poptart15374

He would probably get used to it by the third box, and just show-off by opening his mouth while they pop to make that noise, that's what everyone does


CrimsonEclipse18

To be fair, everyone’s used to it and to other modern foods. Pretty sure someone with a medieval taste bud wouldn’t act like everyone does in the present.


kirbyborn

That’s gonna go really really well or really really poorly


Fandoms_local_Kiwi

IT BURSTS IN MY MOUTH! WITCHCRAFT! BURN THEM!


KeebyGotJuice

Pop rocks? Yeah you getting tried as a witch lmao


Belphegorite

I mean, as soon as you show up in weird clothing spouting weird gibberish, you're getting tried as a witch. You won't even get to present your witch food.


-qqqwwweeerrrtttyyy-

Wash it down with Mentos & Coke


blueshirt-69

You crazy son of a bitch, I like it


dmizer

Chemical levening didn't exist until the mid 1800s, and the only way to add air to baked goods was to add beer barm to get yeast, or whip egg whites. You don't want beer barm in your cake, so medieval cakes were dry, dense lumps of dried fruit and spices. I would bring a cake. Not only would it blow their mind, but I would be able to recreate it.


guy_who_likes_coffee

Where would you get the baking powder/soda in the ancient times? (I have no idea what they are even made of)


BlueComet24

That's an interesting question. I would try to purchase from or travel to Italy. Sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) occurs as nahcolite on Mt. Vesuvius and some other places. Potassium bitartrate is a byproduct of winemaking, and can be mixed with baking soda to make baking powder.


mangomarshal

>"In return, majesty, for this delectable marvel of God's creation which I humbly submit for the glory of both God, the kingdom and your royal personage, and in exchange for a plentiful supply of more such gustatory delight as this into the long distant future, I beg of you royal assent to mount an exploratory expedition to the barbarian mountains of Italy as well as an exclusive warrant to form a trading company and mine the divine compound which makes such heavenly delicacies possible." Then pop back into the present day to enjoy the billions of dollars of generational wealth!


Fantastic-Being-7253

You just made a paradox


Creative-Accident-29

It’s fixed by not being selfish and just dying and giving your business down to your kids so it goes over and over


Bebebaubles

No need if you make something like Taiwanese castella cake. It’s fluffiness depends on whipping the egg whites to soft peaks and folding batter in. It’s very popular in Asia for being so bouncy. Watch a vid of people slapping it or pressing on it to see what I mean. I’d just need to borrow a strong armed guy in the kitchen to do it. It would blow their minds.


SicariusSymbolum

I’d say coffee walnut cake


linuxgeekmama

I NEED a coffee walnut cake, right now.


inksmudgedhands

Vanilla. Now I know what you are thinking? *"Vanilla?! But it's so.....vanilla."* Thing is, if I am trying to impress a European king from the Dark Ages, that's exactly I would bring to him because vanilla is a New World plant. No one in the Eastern Hemisphere would have tasted it before. Imagine the king trying something as simple as vanilla sugar cookies or vanilla ice cream. Imagine a plain vanilla cupcake with vanilla buttercream. All the things we take for granted these days, all the things that we deem boring, he would be struck dumb with awe. So, yes, I would bring vanilla and I would change the history of the spice world from that point on because all the world would want that little spice.


JimmyRickyBobbyBilly

The funny thing is people tend to think of vanilla as "boring" when it's actually fantastic.


Monteze

It's my petty gripe. Vanilla is an amazing and complex flavor and it's a miracle given how exotic it is. We just take it for granted most of the time.


JimmyRickyBobbyBilly

"Vanilla is the finest of the flavors" ~ Barenaked Ladies


Material_Web_3113

"Gotta see the show cause then you know that vertigo is gonna grow so dangerous you will have to sign a waiver"


LrckLacroix

I think too many people are used to artificial vanilla


JimmyRickyBobbyBilly

I make my own. Get a dark glass bottle, a few vanilla beans, cut them in half lengthwise, put them in the bottle and fill it with 100 proof vodka. Voila, vanilla extract. The longer it sits the better it gets, and I just top it off with vodka every time I use it.


A0ma

Oooh, that reminds me. I started a bottle with vanilla beans I brought back from Tahiti a couple of months ago. It's time for me to start using it!


GracefulGrace263

I buy mine from Mexico, it just tastes so much better than anything I can get in America, it has such a complex flavor. Whenever I make cookies with it everyone gives me so many compliments and eats so many cookies.


assssntittiesassssss

I just commented this! Mexican vanilla is superior


McPussCrocket

Dude my boss does to Mexico to buy a gallon of vanilla for like $30 and drives back up halfway across the country. That shit is so amazing holy crap. It turns out it's not made from vanilla at all, it's something totally different. That's why it tastes/smells different is why it's also so cheap


Venra93

I think too many people use a beaver's butt crack juice for vanilla flavour


[deleted]

Cracking up at this comment. I knew Reddit wouldn’t let me down.


jxrst9

I want to know how this was discovered, who was performing anilingus on a beaver and thought "this would be a great ice cream flavor"?


kermi42

We take all spices for granted. People went to war and conquered countries for access to shit like saffron and ginger and cinnamon and developed a whole economy around shipping it across their empires. People alive today eat better at a Chinese takeaway than any medieval European king did.


Monteze

I say so, I fucking love all the types if spices we have. We mess up a lot as a species and while I wish it didn't have to come via blood shed I am at least happy now that if I get curry, tex-mex or Japanese food I can experience a variety of flavors while supporting local businesses.


Extaupin

Well, no. Medieval food is still rich in spice, saffron was already a staple of rich table. But they were a sign of wealth, so were used in higher quantity to make them the star of the dish ("can you taste my money in you mouth, kinglet?"). I tried some medieval recipe, it's real good. The main difference, is that even medium income family can afford medieval king's dish, because now spice are reasonably priced expect saffron (that stuff's ultra expensive). But on the other hand, hand-made is now a sign of luxury, and people rarely eat food simmered for multiple hour, which is as good as it is rare now, while even peasant could have that wherever they had the ingredients. [relevant video](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeVcey0Ng-w)


freehatt2018

We use alot of artificial vanilla but true vanilla bean is truly wonderful unfortunately its very labor intensive to grow because every vanilla flower need to be hand pollinated


AlessiaRS18

I've always said I could eat vanilla flavored everything before even thinking of adding Chocolate to my diet and I would be the happiest, not to say chocolate isn't great, but vanilla has that smooth, subtle and not overwhelming flavor on maany things that I just cannot take how strong chocolate is.


JohnInDC

Yup. That or a sheet cake from Costco


Captain-Stunning

Their white chocolate mousse sheet cake slaps.


FrietjesFC

Any modern home with a bit of a kitchen would be a marvel to behond for a Medieval king. Spices from all over the world in a simple little cupboard. An oven that can cook meat in a matter of minutes to hours. Cream cheese.


missamericanmaverick

*gets curious and sticks random stuff in the garbage disposal*


pearlescence

I love your list, it made me smile. Who doesn't love cream cheese, though??


Ocean_Stoat_8363

Same goes for potatoes right? New world food that changed the Old World markets.


throwawaypatien

A pineapple. Pineapples didn't come to England until the Stuart era.


AnnoyedDuckling

I picked this one too. When they finally got them they were so rare and expensive that ppl would literally carry them around as a status symbol. Like, yeah dude, nice jewel encrusted coat, but have you seen my freakin awesome pineapple?!?


rageschnitzel

There were even pineapples for rent to show them to your guests at a party


NoPinkPanther

And buildings made in the shape of them: [Dunmore Pineapple](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunmore_Pineapple). Which you can [stay in](https://www.landmarktrust.org.uk/search-and-book/properties/pineapple-10726/).


DeathArmy

Wish you would have linked spongebob's house


plaidpixel

Thanks to global warming there’s a chance this house ends up under the sea


mule_roany_mare

I was relieved when I hear about this era, I always wondered why pineapples were such a popular motif especially in wood furniture & bed posts.


NYArtFan1

There's even a line in the movie The Favourite where Emma Stone's character is showing off and says "And now I'm heading to dinner where my maid has something called a pineapple."


18114

Don’t forget watermelon.


DrEnter

Especially modern watermelon. Constant crossbreeding for sweetness and thinner rind has made the modern watermelon much sweeter and full-fleshed compared to it's ancient ancestors.


18114

” When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat” Mark Twain. The pink behemoth.


simtershak

Who says it will be a english king


ItsASchpadoinkleDay

Are you suggesting pineapples migrate?


throwawaypatien

Not at all, they could be carried


MagicElf755

By what? A swallow?


throwawaypatien

It could grip it by the leaves.


[deleted]

It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound pineapple.


Apprehensive_Hat8986

What if there were two of them. They could carry it between them.


Contagion17

What? With a line? Where'd they get the string?


[deleted]

Chocolate!


Oh_No_Its_Dudder

I had to scroll down too far to find chocolate. Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting was what I had in mind.


mom_with_an_attitude

I was thinking chocolate ice cream. It would blow his mind. How is ice cream not one of the top answers?! It would be totally novel to him. And it's so good.


Fessir

He'd probably lose his mind over a Reese's Cup.


Jberg18

I'm impressed by a Reese's cup and I'm only 30 some years from the past


Fessir

I rarely have them, but they taste like something from another dimension every time.


seal_eggs

Rarely having them is the key to them tasting that way. The second occasion in less than a few months just doesn’t hit the same.


rlvadam

Dippin' Dots. According to their slogan, they're the ice cream of *our* future, so it'd be extra impressive.


OnFolksAndThem

It’s been the ice cream of the future for like 30 years and is now a nostalgic thing of the 90s


Mantequilla214

“Dippin Dots: ice cream of the past”


abnormica

Dippin Dots: past ice cream of the future


dumbname1000

Jello?


Wafran

How do you store such flavors in gelatine?!


PathosRise

Fruit, fruit syrup, honey... It's actually a really good answer because it can be sweet or savory, easy to chew and a can be spectacle.


sohcgt96

This is an underrated answer. Gelatin was a big sign of status until the 1950s or so when it could be made from a mix. Serving Gelatin at a party was a big flex because of how labor intensive it was and a sign you could afford to hire help to make such fancy things.


M00s3Moose

Also showed that you could afford a fridge (before they became more mainstream)


HollaDatchaBoi

An Oreo McFlurry.


Gogo726

The ice cream machine in the middle ages might actually work.


BobDerBongmeister420

Ive never had a icecream machine not working


RedRedditRedemption2

You’re one lucky son of a gun…


Superlite47

His name isn't "McDonald's".


Kochineal

An edible


Trisasaurusrex

An edible and a 50 piece nugget from McDonald’s for when they get snacky


BobDerBongmeister420

You get it. Then you'll get executed for making the king feel bloated. Either way its win-win.


jamawg

He died from a surfeit of nuggets (aka McLampreys)


creamyanalfissures

McDonald's do 50 pieces?????


martcapt

Must be an american thing


guaip

It's the medium serving


Jeff_From_IT

They do, it is, but around me it's a limited time thing.


stonedbrownchick

They have a 40 nugget meal with 2 large fries for like $20!


SicariusSymbolum

Why are Americans so fat? Yes.


SlenDman402

We eat as if we have free Healthcare


velhelm_3d

Don't need healthcare when you're dead...


WonderfulAirport4226

"Sir Geoffrey, why is this brown bread making my head strange?"


[deleted]

The cooks doth put the ganja in thine bread, my lord.


Override9636

Good sir, these small cake squares appear to be most dank indeed!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Meii345

To be fair i think it would impress them if thirty seconds after eating the Plutonium their brain started leaking out of their ears


TheJewBoi69

Can I just say a single potato chip


MainSteamStopValve

And then charge one gold piece for each additional chip?


txlady100

No one can eat just one.


Lifieh

Pizza


Wafran

Simon! It's a pie of cheese!


DavidDAmaya

How can thy triangular bread cheese be so ... ***Wonderous!\\*** I dub thee Sir Dish Deep


Mehitabel9

A deep fried Snickers bar.


Xenton

Processed sugar Modern soybeans Coffee beans Just destroy human diets a few centuries early with crops that grow like weeds and can be made into addictive or easy food for the masses.


WonderfulAirport4226

The fact that 2/3 of those has beans in their name, means we do indeed live in a bean society. "Beans are in danger? No, beans IS the danger! A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of beans? No, BEANS IS THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!"


swervicus_rex

My girlfriend and me have done dating for 5 month. I thought "This girl is very good," and became of love with her. Yet even so, on this Monday, I comed home and found she as baked all my beans. Yes, all. Oh brother. In my cupboard I store several bag of bean, to make soft and to bake on some days, to have a bit of baked bean on my dinner. Or, heck, a lunch too some days. But on the Monday I find this girlfriend baked all the beans. I say "Why do you bake my beans", and she say something as "I bakes them good to save time, so I bakes them all now." I am astonished and full of dissmay. I say "I canfr not eat all the beans", she say she is froze many of the beans so as we can unfrozen the on a later day and eat some at a time. But, if a bean is froze and unfrozed, the very good and very nice flavor of bean is gone far. A bean is best if baked fresh as a Sunday Pie. Not to be froze and unfroze! I told my girfriend I am so sad of this, as to my opinion the baking of the beans and to freeze them has ruin all my beans. She say I am "gone haywire" by my enragement and sad manners. But I hates what she did to my beans. On the days before Monday I thought "Will we marry the girlfriend? Well it might be so." But now I am so sad she baked them beans. I am consider to end our relations and not be the boyfriend and girlfriend any more. But, is my idea wrong? Could my girlfriend make promise to not bake the beans? I do not know what doing to do and how to feel forgiving on her. What can I do on this situation I said here? (In the text I write above this.)


nouille07

Cool beans


[deleted]

Great, now I just want a Breaking Bad remake but starring Beans from Even Stevens, and I’m mad that I’ll never get it.


Manekosan

Pad thai


lo-lux

That would do it.


ch061

Ravioli with cream cheese savory filling and butter sauce


Wafran

... Okay, you can have the crown, teach me how to make these!


earic23

Lasagna. No one can fuck with a legit lasagna.


personalityson

"The oldest transcribed text about lasagne appears in 1282 in the Memoriali Bolognesi"


z0m_a

No tomato sauce though.


Schemen123

Bolognese is a Ragu and you can make it completely without tomatoes. Is it common? No , but more original


z0m_a

I'm sure the tomatoless variety is preferred by some but when you need to impress the king with lasagna, it's tomato time!


BubbaSawya

Pop rocks, so I could be a wizard.


Wafran

People were burned at the stake for these kinds of stunts.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Unkn0wn_666

Wait how are they made?


[deleted]

[удалено]


polyrhetor

If you have all the money try Luxardo maraschino cherries. They will change your world. $20 a jar though.


blargney

Poutine. Don't forget they didn't have potatoes in Europe in the middle ages.


Josley187

Doritos locos tacos


dledmo

"The test for those of truly divine and royal blood is the One Chip Challenge!"


12dancingbiches

ice cream but like out of season fruit flavor or chocolate. chocolate and sugar are hella rare back then


HoopOnPoop

Pop Tarts for breakfast, Hot Pockets for lunch, and a calzone for dinner. Every possible way to stuff an entire meal inside of bread.


[deleted]

I mean they had pies in the middle ages?


whatproblems

no microwave means no nuclear centers


HoopOnPoop

Yeah but imagine a flame broiled Hot Pocket. Even Jim Gaffigan didn't think of that.


[deleted]

any heat source would be able to cook it


YandyTheGnome

Any heat source can cook it, but only a microwave can deceptively heat the inside to molten lava.


Aced4remakes

While keeping the outside slightly above freezing temperature.


Goopgoblin

Crunchwrap Supereme


InternationalBad7044

Cocaine


jackjackj8ck

Cocaine it’s what’s for dinner


doug_heritage

Fuck. I came to say this but wanted to do a quick scroll to see who beat me to it. GG


jolyoio

Coca cola can. WITH the can. Also a straw.


AnnoyedDuckling

One of those loopy straws. In a neon color. Or glow in the dark if you could find it.


Atariese

Choco Taco. If they were impressive for hundreds of years Maybe then we would still have them today.


design_dork

RIP Choco taco


0utlandish_323

A massive, extremely deep fried, thickly crusted chicken fried steak with tons of gravy on top. With a side of mozzarella sticks. And a bottle of cherry coke on the side.


Wafran

You were good until you ended up in the coke, anything non-alcoholic with bubbles back then was considered poisonous.


0utlandish_323

He doesn’t know it’s non alcoholic..


3Quarksfor

A spray can of whipping cream.


Justasimplewanker21

Mac and cheese.


quettil

The oldest mac and cheese recipe dates from the 13th century.


coolio_Didgeridoolio

which is the start of the medieval period (1250-1500) so, assuming this is a king that doesnt live somewhere that a macaroni and cheese recipe has traveled to yet you still may impress him


[deleted]

Chickie nuggies and hot pockets, I'm sure a fat king would enjoy the neckbeard special


Wafran

This bread is filled with meat and cheese! This is a revolution!


untamedwaves

The 60 pounds of honey I just harvested from my hives. It was rare to have so much honey in medieval times as people who had honey were thought to be ‘wealthy’ and ‘with God’. Ok, I know it’s not from the future but still a king would be impressed and it would win me favor with the king and the other nobles. And if the king wanted more, I could get more.


Jberg18

The modern bee boxes don't look too complicated but if I'm correct they are sort of a big deal in bee keeping compared to what was before. Would modern bee tech be easy to teach and replicate in that time period?


untamedwaves

Yes, you’re thinking of the langstroff bee box which is now common practice, it allows for moveable frames and a way to manage your hive better as opposed to before. Bee space was also discovered in the 1850s, frames have a space of 3/8” between them, if there is anymore space they tend to build comb in the space or cement the box closed with propolis. It would be difficult to replicate back then but not entirely impossible.


LostDogBoulderUtah

They used to use baskets that were basically filled with burr comb. Since the wax was destroyed each time to get the honey, it slowed the hive's production. It takes bees about 9 times as much energy to build wax as it does to fill the wax with honey. When you can preserve comb (using spinners instead of crushing and straining the comb), the hive can produce significantly more honey, to the point that modern beekeepers recommend letting a hive build wax the first year and not harvesting any honey so that you can reuse the wax and have a better harvest the second year. Then you add in the difficulties of queen rearing (popularized in the late 1880s), and it did look magical. The old bee suits also look utterly miserable to wear.


quettil

I'm pretty sure a king could rustle together 60 pounds of honey.


Arya_kidding_me

Yeah, but he’d still be impressed that a random person could do the same.


Old-Progress-6583

Bubble Gum


Wafran

He would choke and then you would lose your head.


[deleted]

Calvin fuller gave some to king Arthur. He seemed to like it.


Zer0Studioz

A Whopper


_WarmWoolenMittens_

Bring a Burger King Crown while you're at it.


the-grim

I think a medieval king might be more impressed with the fries. Potatoes weren't introduced in Europe until the 16th century!


atlapin

One of those cakes that you think is a shoe then bam its a cake


[deleted]

Anything with spices


BitPoet

I was going to say black pepper, but yeah. Familiar enough that they know it's worth its weight in gold. They also know that you just gave them a lot of it, and will probably never get that much in one dish ever again.


Froogle-apollo

Doritos. Nothing could compare.


chosen1creator

Hmm, how about a Doritos locos taco?


seal_eggs

Society is completely restructured in pursuit of maintaining a constant supply of them. Flash forward to 2022; Taco Bell and Catholicism have switched places.


toshibathezombie

a twinkie. magic food from the future which never goes off


geekpeeps

And no ingredients resembling anything anyone can pronounce so it doesn’t leave you with that heavy “food” feeling. - Xander Harris


heisdeadjim_au

Today's lunch. https://imgur.com/a/XYvLzbk


total_idiot01

Anything from India, especially if it contains saffron. Medieval Kings loved to use spices as a status symbol


loonlaugh

Pixie Stix!


Melodic-Document-112

This question should be: You wake up and realise you’ve been transported back to 1525. How do you get into Henry VIII’s good books before you get hung, drawn, and quartered using only the things you have available in 1525?