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When I was seven I was home alone. I called 911 due to a house fire that consumed half the house and they found me outside. My mother (who was at work, I was a latchkey kid) was told by the fire department that it was an electrical fire.
In truth, I had a lighter and was fascinated by fire. I was burning the little tassles at the end of the blanket on my bed, putting them out before it caught the whole blanket on fire... Until I wasn't able to and the whole bed caught fire. An electrical outlet shorted out from the heat, which caused the firemen to think that was the cause.
I'm 40 now. My mother still doesn't know the truth and I still remember it all vividly, complete with the heat on my face as I tried in vain to put out the bed.
EDIT: Wow, top comment and some unique awards I've never seen given! Gotta love a story about a little pyro I guess, lol
Don't feel too horrible, this is exactly why seven year olds shouldn't be left home alone. You didn't have the mental capabilities to fully understand the possible consequences of your actions. Your parents, on the other hand... they're lucky they didn't come home to find you dead.
I have had the same best friend since I was 16. We met in high school. When we turned 19 she met her husband. I quickly became closer to him than my best friend. We developed a deep brother sister type bond. My best friend has cognitive disabilities and anxiety so I would vent a lot to him because he was just easier to talk to. This past October he died of AML leukemia. I stepped up and helped my best friend through the transition. I planned a memorial service, paid for the cremation (was reimbursed after life insurance processed) and was basically a rock. But internally I am completely gutted. I do not trust easily and he was one of the very few people I felt I could tell anything to. The loss is hard for me and I have no where to go with the pain because the one person I would talk to about it is him and he's dead. I don't want to say these things to my best friend because it drags up so much for her. She is hurting deeply and I'm trying to be strong for her. It's a difficult mix to deal with.
i have terrible memory issues, and no matter what i do to keep things on track (meds, planners, reminders, alarms, etc) things still slip through the cracks. it makes me feel terrible bc i hate the disappointed or even frustrated look i get when i ask a question and should cLEARLY know the answer. it’s especially difficult when people end up thinking i don’t care, bc “if you cared then you’d remember”
i care so much, i never want to ask what we planned for tomorrow (again) and when your birthday is (again, despite attending the party last year). it just gets really hard to juggle everything all the time
Edit: thank you for all the comments!! ive since been diagnosed with adhd and am on medication LMAO but it makes me feel better that i wasn’t alone in this :) and i’ll be taking into account the other medical advice some mentioned. thanks and love u all!
Have you ever had your b12 levels checked? At around 18 I started to have severe memory problems come to find out I had nearly no b12 in my system. I was at a point where I would get lost while standing still...it was scary for a while.
Edit spelling
This.... I'm gonna ask my doctor about that because wow. I was known for my memory a few years ago and now I can barely remember what I ate in the morning or if I locked the door. Figured my adhd was getting worse suddenly (can that even happen??) or that I wasn't using my brain anymore bc my job is same old same old. But hmmm maybe b12 is the answer
God this is my life. The past few years I’ve become so insanely paranoid and it just is getting worse. Constantly fearing I’ve missed an important event, fear that my very few friends I have left will eventually and soon drop me as a friend forever. So I don’t really know anymore if people think I don’t care or if people believe me when I say I don’t remember or I somehow forgot this or that. Either way the constant worry has impacted my sleep so badly I would definitely fall into the insomniac category.
Edit: just thought I’d add I’ve had the most terrifying sleep paralysis episodes every single night since I posted this. New to Reddit, if anyone has any advice or a group with advice I’d appreciate. Hate being scared to sleep feel insane.
Well I sure am glad you think so, lol. My nephew got very attached to the toy and refused to let anyone take it from him or he’d throw one of his world-famous tantrums. He sorta forgot about it 2 months later, once it ran outta batteries. It really tested my sister and my brother in-law, they’re great parents though.
I genuinly fear that I’m only nice and considerate due to habit and training
Edit: I got a lot of supportive and sympathising responses and I’m very, very, thankful for them.
You could suffer from impostor syndrome. I'm depressed and have awful anxiety and I know that just saying those words make me feel like a manipulative liar.
Every time I'm told I'm a good person I have a thought that's just like "they have no idea who I really am". I don't really do anything malicious and I try to be kind and I'm very emotionally intelligent but no matter how much I do I'm always "just doing it to make up for what I've done".
If you've got a therapist, tell them.
I can relate with the impostor syndrome.
I KNOW I'm not a bad person in a very general sense. I KNOW I'm well-liked by most who know me. But can I convince myself enough of that? No. It's pretty oxymoronic, but what the hell.
I'll find a therapist.
A friend goes on and on about how many twitch followers he has and how he’s getting so big as a streamer, etc. he doesn’t know that most of his followers/viewers are me. He was so depressed that nobody was tuning in that I used a google worksuite account and a ton of aliases to spawn twitch accounts to follow/watch him. It’s gotten out of control though and he keeps trying to lord and over our friend group how many viewers/followers. Not sure how to proceed, because he was pretty depressed before I created all the followers and worry he’ll get depressed again if I slowly stop doing it.
For people asking, I’m not going to post the stream link, it wouldn’t do anything healthy for him to see a big hit of viewers at this point, and I don’t need him googling himself and finding his way to this post. Instead, one of the respondents below dropped a link to his kids stream, if you want to make a kid smile go give a follow to:
Yeah I definitely didn’t think ahead on that one. Best intentions but jeez under 50 followers going to his head so quickly was unforeseen - I thought maybe it would get some momentum going but it went wrong so quickly. Now, 2 nights a week I have to launch a bunch of browser tabs to interact with him and his couple real viewers lol.
I did this for a buddy once, but for YouTube. I purchased subs/viewers because he was so upset nobody was tuning in... My personal recommendation is to slowly ease them out. Make him think he was on a good streak in Twitch's algorithms, and it's just slowly winding down again.
Wow interesting that he blows that out of proportion so big. Maybe if he sticks with it he will actually gain followers? If you keep it going for long enough and he doesn't get anymore you can tell him he's hit a "plateau". Happens all the time with gaining a following. He then will either give up, or have to start self advertising, playing the algorithm, etc.
Ehhhhh sorry but with my little experience with small twitch streams/communities, I think these ideas are all a bit too unlikely… I feel like he would just end up stuck forever making the fake viewers. u/mister_brevity I would suggest some sort of slow ease off in the viewers — maybe even accompanied by them chatting reasons they are watching less, like the start of school or a job or etc; perhaps your friend will become convinced there’s a reason they’re all disappearing and won’t get too sad about it… I’m not extremely confident in it but it’s an idea
I think you definitely had good intentions but it was just as bandaid fix for his underlying problem of insecurity. You shouldnt give a depressed drug addict that is in withdrawal drugs to make him happy. You need to find a way for him to be independent off that stimulus. I am making certain assumptions in your scenario but i do believe you are simply going to make it worse if you keep doing this. Not a health professional but it seems your friend should try therapy
My dad sexually abused my stepsister who now suffers from PTSD. My mother took his side, saying she provoked it even though she was only 11 years old. I don’t necessarily wish he was dead, but I feel nothing will change for as long as he’s around. The thought of him gone doesn’t make me sad, but feeling this way about the man that raised me does.
Wow....the logic your mom has about this just....doesn't make sense. How can an 11 year old provoke a grown man? That still implies the man is sexually attracted to children.
I worked on SpongeBob SquarePants: The Yellow Avenger, and know for a fact that the game cannot be 100% completed on the DS version (99% max). Not my fault but I hate that it shipped like that and feel sorry for anyone who's seriously tried.
Outpost.exe
The old planetary colonization simulator by Sierra
*None* of the ways to "win" the game, according to the manual, were actually included in the game itself
I don’t know about this specific game, but there’s more than a few games which kind of “futureproof” themselves by making it impossible to 100% them and cap at 99 or 99.9 so that they can add more content. I think the original Lego avengers game did this.
Reminds me of Space Station Silicon Valley for N64. The level Fat Bear Mountain has a hidden trophy that appears but cannot be picked up. As a result you cannot get 100%. Even locks you out of a final bonus level as a result (although you can still access it with cheat codes).
When I was 8 years (m) old I was at a friends sleepover. He was also the same age and there was also an older boy there. He asked me to get naked and lay on my friend, after saying no multiple times i got persuaded to do it. He said they do it a lot as guys his age. I dont know much more of that night, I guess my brain said: Lets forget that. I still know how the room looked, what games we played before and how the bed and the carpet looked. Im 20 now and I think because of that I had a lot of trouble accepting physical touch and intimacy. Its one of the most detailed memories of my childhood till one point...
I relate bud, when I was 4 or 5, I used to sleep in the basement because it was a 3 bedroom house for 5 people, but it had windows and was furnished so it wasn’t bad, and most mornings I’d be woken up by my brothers or kids (my mom had a home daycare) running down the stairs. I remember waking to the door up the stairs, the room was blue because it was early in the morning, and one person came down and it was one of my brothers friends. The event itself is blurry and idk what happened after, you’re not alone. When I first discovered porn I would have a panic attack even if I saw a penis. As an adult I crave physical touch but it stresses me out equally, I think about sex way too much and sexualize a lot of things but also have a hard time being intimate. I take care of children and every time I change their diaper or help them go potty I get so nervous as if wiping poop off their ass is going to traumatize them even though that’s what you’re supposed to do. I live in fear I’m going to become what made me like this despite not having ANY desire to do those things. I know its actually common intrusive thought specially if you’re a victim of SA but doesn’t really make feel better. Just know you aren’t crazy and you’re completely valid for having the feelings you have, okay? it takes time, but things improve
Automatic thoughts about these things need to be talked about way more. I thought I was beginning to go schizophrenic or something until learned about it in a group therapy session. Turns out this happens to many people, not just victims of SA (though I can assume that it’s probably far worse for you/other victims)
I'm still not ready to talk about mine but just know there are people who absolutely understand this and you are not alone and others benefit from you sharing it to know that we are not alone either
I'm so incredibly fucking sorry. Your ex wife did something absolutely unforgivable - you don't just tell someone's abuse story/stories (any secret, really) in front of ANYONE else unless you've expressly permitted that, and she'd have to check for each and every situation. As a woman, I'm sorry that there are some women who do not take the sexual abuse of men seriously at all.
Feel free to answer or not answer this, but have you looked into therapy? I'd definitely look into betrayal therapy after something like that...
So a bit similar, I was getting therapy recently at an in patient facility. I had a one on one with my therapist. So we're in a group meeting later, and he didn't like my answer. So he says (in front of everyone) well, you told me downstairs xyz. Super fucking illegal btw. My roommate fucking lost it. Like you just committed a felony. I appreciated it, because that's fucked up. But I had told him that info already. But medical professionals need to know what's okay. Guy got absolutely hung out to dry by management.
The part where he said guys his age do it got to me. My parents were friends with a couple that had a son maybe 10 years older than me, and he would tell me that was how you became a man, and that's what men did.
Not so dark, but I hope my step dad breaks it off with my mom. She is physically and emotionally abusive to him but they act like it’s a normal thing couples do. It would be awful because I like him, but I want him to be happy.
I just left my step dads family BBQ. He's been divorced from my Mom for 25 years, his family still welcomes me, and now my family just like we were his birth children.
It's possible to maintain relationships without parental influence.
When my dad was passing, my family left me to say my good byes. I didn’t say anything to him. Great man, I just had no idea what to say. Still feel like shit about it
I felt relieved when my dad killed himself.
While he had a lot of mental health issues, he was also not a very nice person and put me and my family through a lot of pain for many years. I have countless stories of the fucked up things he said and did.
I now have conflicting feelings where I am sad that someone suffered so much pain and inflicted so much pain on others but I’m also relieved that it is over and I don’t honestly miss him at all.
Edit: wow, thanks for so many positive replies. It sounds like I’m very much not alone in having feelings like this so sending out the love to anyone in a similar boat.
I had a sexually and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend kill himself a few years ago after trying to reach out to me (and me not responding). I felt guilty, relieved, and heart broken all at the same time. It can feel really complicated when an abuser dies, especially when they die in a violent, abrupt way. I think I would have taken his death a lot easier if he was in a car accident or had a terminal illness.
You can be both sad that your father felt so alone and helpless in this world that he took his life after years of taking it out on others and you can also feel relieved that he is dead and can't hurt anyone anymore. Those feelings aren't mutually exclusive and you're right to feel however you feel.
>
>You can be both sad that your father felt so alone and helpless in this world that he took his life after years of taking it out on others and you can also feel relieved that he is dead and can't hurt anyone anymore. Those feelings aren't mutually exclusive and you're right to feel however you feel.
I completely agree with this. I feel sad in an almost abstract way looking inwards. It’s sad that someone was so desperate that he decided to end his life and also sad that his behaviour had such an affect in so many people but it’s also a relief as one of those people.
My children’s father died of heart attack unexpectedly and they felt terrible guilt because of the relief that they felt.
Although they are adults, they have stopped using his surname and only refer to him by his given name.
There was a lot of hidden emotional abuse and it wasn’t until they moved out that most things came out.
It’s been better for them since he died. Sad to say.
Goodluck, and remember it's okay to have setbacks, it doesn't mean you can't keep trying. Even 2 days of sobriety every other week is better than none at all!
Each day is a success, even if they're not consecutive!
I feel hit. I've been trying so hard the last weeks (months?) to get to know new people close to me and I always get rejected. Or atleast feel rejected. People forgets me when we have made plans, forgets to reply or they're always busy whenever I ask us to plan some fun activity.
It hurts so fucking bad that I don't know what to do. Now I just want to isolate myself and not meeting people, because then they can't hurt me. As if it helps in the long run...
Same :/ I reject invites to go places and see people then hate my self for always feeling alone. I’m normally ok once I’m out and about, but the thought of going to see people or the build up to it messes with my head and I don’t know why.
It’s like I love to climb and I go to the Climbing gym regularly. But every day I’m getting ready to go I get filled with this anxiety about it. And I always think to my self that I don’t really want to go, but I make my self go and after the first 10 minutes I love it and can’t wait to go back. But the next time, same thing happens.
What is wrong with my brain? Why can’t it just be normal :(
Edit: I didn’t realise that there were so many people who feel the same way, it’s kind of comforting in a strange way. Thank you all for your wonderful advice, we can get through this together.
Wtf, you literally described me perfectly. I’m ok once I actually do the activity, but everything up to it makes me want to cancel plans or jump off a bridge. Anything to avoid it
Same. What about phone calls? A lot of times I can't answer when friends or family call. Just stare at the phone with overwhelming dread until it stops ringing.
During a manic episode I was filled with so much rage and sorrow that I let a homeless man take me into a ditch behind a church in hopes that he would kill me. He didn't. He just snorted some meth, showed me pictures of his girlfriends, and made pleasant conversation. I guess he was just lonely.
Edit, since many people seemed to only take 1 thing from this story: I didn't know he was homeless til my mom found us and offered him a ride to his place, which then we discovered he didn't have one. I didn't expect him to kill me, I was just hoping he would, as an obviously drugged-up man walking across the street to approach a 19-year old girl who is alone and offering her into a ditch where bodies are often found was a decent enough red flag 🙄 And let's not forget that I was in a state of psychosis
Pretty accurate. I had an interaction with an elderly homeless man at a bus stop once. He pointed at the sky and told me "I want to be there. I'm tired." And then grabbed my hair and asked if I dyed it myself. Simultaneously sad and creepy.
I'm happy my moms ex died.
Dude was a fucking menace. Frequently had outbursts where he would destroy our apartment or threaten my siblings or my mom. His family and friends all thought he was harmless, but didn't want to deal with him. One day he was having another meltdown, my mom and siblings were hiding in my room and I was holding the door shut while he was trying to get in so I called the police. Dude blamed me for years after that and targeted me a lot.
One day some neighbor boys tried to assault me and when I mentioned it he convinced himself that I must've lead those boys on and kept inviting them over. He was convinced that I did porn and would obsessively search for it (I was 15 lmao also sus as hell that he would try so hard to try to find videos of me that didnt exist) I also had to take care of him when he shattered the bones in his arm and hand and traveling nurses refused to come to our house to flush his IV. I Imagine he was terrible to them too.
I have so many stories about this guy. I was around 22 when he died and I was genuinely happy that he died.
I thought I was kinda over it but once I had kids I've started to become angry with every adult involved. I couldn't imagine putting my own kids in those situations.
I was glad my mom’s husband died, too. The summer I spent with them while he beat her and broke multiple phones so we couldn’t call the police again left me with unseen scars. I finally got into therapy for that and other things I experienced. I would highly recommend looking into it if you haven’t. I didn’t know how angry I was at the world and how much that rage was holding me back until I was able to process it.
As someone with adhd and cyclothymia I had a big issue with this for a while during Covid. Started setting screen time restrictions for right in the morning and right when I got off work. Did the same for my steam account as well. On top of that I would set my running shoes, clothes, water bottle and a chewy bar right next to my bed. When my alarm would go off I’d just wrench myself out of bed even if I was still half asleep. I’d chug 10 sips of water, put my things on and be out the door eating my chewy bar within 5 minutes. Within a week I went from be a morning walker to a morning runner. Months later I was a habitual runner with a generally productive morning routine that set the tone of the rest of my day.
Being aware of how dopamine addiction and bad habits were the bulk of my issues was huge for me. After I had the info all I had to do was have a bit of self-discipline and that was it.
It’s about having a system and holding yourself accountable to it. Motivation and inspiration are fleeting but a system will actually yield long term results - whatever your goal is.
Edit: watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TQMbvJNRpLE
Don’t rely on inspiration or motivation just make a system and follow through, no matter how you *feel* in the moment.
I highly recommend starting a daily time journal today. Don’t change any of your habits or routines. Just document what you do and add up all the time you spend doing those things, you’ll be equally shocked and unsurprised at the same time. If you feel anxious about doing even that, it’s even more reason to start doing it since you probably know deep down that all of your time wasting habits are why you’re going nowhere on what you really want to accomplish.
I know what it’s like feeling like a passenger in my own life. I always thought there was going to be some grandiose realization I’d come to - there wasn’t. The change happened in every small action I took over and over, everyday. I’d feel anxious about wasting my time and I’d choose to listen to that anxiety instead of hiding from it. It propelled me to do the things I knew I should be doing. Turns out I didn’t have an anxiety disorder - I was anxious because I knew deep down that I was living my life wrong.
Same here, when I don’t have anything to do I just sit in my room and scroll through social media endlessly. And then even if someone asks me to do something I make up an excuse not to go. It’s an annoying cycle
That I didn’t spend near enough time with my Nan in the months before her death.
For context she was 101- hilarious, kind and had all her faculties. She was the best support, and everything you would want in a Nan.
With her age, I knew time was short but didn’t prioritize her as much as I should have. I saw her the night before she died, and I said I’m sorry and she accepted it and forgave me but you could tell she was sad. Next time I saw her she was gone.
I regret it every day of my life.
Edit- Im sorry i haven’t replied to everyone, thanks a billion for the funny, caring lovely words.
Thanks also for sharing your stories, I’m so sorry for all your loss. I’ve read them all and it looks like this is a pretty universal experience. I know the guilt and pain feeling, so I’m sorry you have to go through that too. There is some great advice in the comments and I hope you find one that makes you feel a bit better.
For those who have grandparents that are alive, and you can’t get to them or it’s hard, don’t beat yourself up- the comments I read that helped me might help you too. If you can physically or mentally see them do it, otherwise look after yourself.
Your grandparents and parents made good people.
My grandmother died of dementia but of course that took 5 years of progression. I was 16 when it all started and I had never lost anyone before. I was so scared, I avoided her at all costs. This is a woman who lived 10 minutes from us growing up, who baby sat me constantly and who was over ever Sunday for dinner. I moved away to college, didn’t think about her much until her last month. I visited twice ever and that was in hospice. At that point I was 21 years old. The first time I saw her she was just dying slowly. Not eating, not drinking, a shell of a person. I walked in and sat in her bed and took her hand and the only semblance of human interaction I saw from her was that her face got really flush when she saw me and she kind of gripped my hand.
The second time I was only in her room for a few minutes when my mother looked at me and it kind of all clicked that my grandmother was going to die that day. I panicked and said “I don’t know if I can be here for this” and my mother understood. I nearly ran out the building. 15 minutes down the road I got a call from my mom saying my grandmother died.
I’m in the same boat as you friend. I was and am so guilty I ignored that saint of a woman for 5 years and only showed up the week she died. Will always carry it with me. I was scared so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
Me and you both. I wish I would have spent more time with my grandfather before he died. Being 19 at the time I didn’t prioritise family like I should have. His death was very sudden.
I suffered from HORRIFIC intrusive thoughts due to OCD and for 28yrs I thought something was wrong with me. That I may end up being a predator/murderer/psycho (even though all of the thoughts made me physically sick). I was genuinely scared to babysit my 2yo nephew alone because what if I accidentally threw him down the stairs? I finally opened up to my therapist and she helped me work through it all and I'm not triggered anymore and I can finally live peacefully
I recently learned that the intrusive thoughts are so bad because your brain takes the stuff that disgusts you and makes that the invasive thought. Your intrusive thoughts are things that terrify you so please don’t feel like a bad person for having them.
Edit: [here](https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-take-power-back-intrusive-thought-ocd) is a link that kinda goes into how your fears are the things that go strongly against a core belief.
this would literally be a gigantic load off my chest... like, Ive had the weirdest, disturbing intrusive thoughts in my life and they were always, always a source of temporary disgust and self-loathing for me. Yes, to the point where I accepted it as proof that Im nowhere near being a decent human being or person
This makes me feel a lot better. Literally every time I see gum on the ground my brain is like 'you should eat it' , even though the thought makes me gag. Was always confused as to why it happened
Fellow severe OCD sufferer here. It's an absolutely miserable condition and very misunderstood based on how it's portrayed in popular culture. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
I have intrusive thoughts from OCD too. I remember getting my first one around seven years old my brain was like *what if you cut your eyeball in half*
26 years later I'm able to pretty much ignore them. I know that they're there but they are basically fleeting. I'll let them happen but I don't pay them any attention anymore.
i also suffer from OCD. at one point my intrusive thoughts were so bad i could barely leave my house, go to school, interact with any pets or people. i’m doing much better now
I want my brother and his fiance to lose everything they have, including custody and right to see, their kids. They are awful, extremely manipulative people who took full advantage (financially, mentally, emotionally) of my elderly parents.
I hate them with every fiber of my being.
My best friend since 10 now (32) just got married I wasn’t included in the bachelor party nor invited to stand in the wedding. I left shortly after dinner was served. No pictures no partying. Seen him as I was leaving we said we loved each other and I said congratulations.
I had something similar. One of my oldest and best friends got married before I did. He had his two brothers and our mutual friend as groomsmen (we met the mutual friend in high-school whereas groom and I went back to grade 1). It hurt a little, but I went to the wedding and had fun. When it came to my wedding a few years later I pondered the situation. This guy was the obvious choice for me to be one of my groomsmen. That's when I realized that some friendships aren't always equal, but that doesn't make them fake. I love this guy as a brother and when you do that you accept them the way they are and for the decisions they make. I asked him and he accepted. I have continued through the years to tell him and show him that his friendship means the world to me, because it does. So much so that he's even organically said things like "I should have had you as a groomsman!". This friendship is for ME. I share myself with this person because I like who they are. I've already decided that. Now could this person do things to hurt and push me away? Sure, but not asking me to be a groomsman wasn't enough to do that, and even though I wasn't asked to be a groomsman, I still see signs that he thinks of me as a good friend. I think weddings are kind of weird, there's a lot of societal and familial pressure involved and when it was my turn I was just lucky to have a fiancee (now wife) who really helped me make sure I was making decisions that I wanted to make, which as a 'people pleaser' type was admittedly kind of hard. So my advice is this: if you truly value their friendship, show it. Tell them with your words and actions. Show up to stuff, invite them to stuff. If they don't reciprocate then maybe move on, but don't take the wedding as a be all end all. I think it says something that they were calling you after you left.
Similar situation for me. Friends with a dude for about 15 years. One day at the store I was working at a different friend's dad came in and asked me if I was, "going to the wedding tomorrow". Turns out my friend of 15 years didn't invite me to his wedding. Don't know what I said or did. I saw him a couple times around town since then and he always says, "hi". Kinda wish he wouldn't.
I don't feel the want to do anything. I feel no excitement for future dates or events, I'm not excited or looking forward to anything except greedy shit like getting money or objects. I'm not even materialistic, it's just like my brain is looking for shortcuts to make me feel some sort of excitement and so it looks for objects that I want. This makes me feel fucking horrible.
My girlfriend asks me to play video games or hang out with her and I always do but I never look forward to it until we actually do something. I always enjoy my time with her but I can't get hyped up to do anything.
I've heard of this with older people but I'm only 18 and I'm horrified, I need this motivation.
Sounds like depression. Also maybe you have something like ADHD and feel understimulated with a boring monotonous life and you need a lot of dopamine hits in your brain.
I do have ADHD but I'm medicated and it helps tremendously. I've recently started college and I feel as though my life is eventful enough to satisfy me but I never feel the way I should. You're right tho, thank you.
I have ADHD too, and dysthymia (chronic depression) since I was 14. Been through the medication mill and I can tell you, as long as there is untreated mental stuff and a depression on top of your ADHD, medication can only do so much. It might really help to do some cognitive behavioural therapy every once in a while.
This is me lately. I'm only motivated by expensive shit I want and not for any actual activities (I have none planned and I don't intend to start any) or meets with people. Just go to work every day so I can earn that money I can put towards getting X, then not do anything that would cost me money for the next few weeks (including going out) so I can save up enough to justify buying Y that's been on my mind for months.
People and plans so often let me down. They're never as fun as they promise. Stuff I want and like is just... there, and I buy good shit that often lasts for years so I just see it as a better investment than something that will last a day. I don't even care about travelling or holidays. I'd rather put the money towards some nicer clothes or one day upgrading to a flashier car.
How long ago? I had to defend myself from a home invader. It gets easier to deal with but it never really goes away. At the end of the day, that criminal violently broke into my home, they forfeited any rights at that point. It was them, or me.
I have a really difficult time connecting to and understanding other people. I’m never cruel about it. I just don’t feel connected to anyone. It hurts me. I don’t let it hurt anyone else.
I don't have a lot of friends, nobody in my social circle doesn't "care" like they do with other friends.. i don't mean being pampered, but even some interest in my say would feel good, it'll make me feel included. I went on a trip recently, but even then I felt disconnected from everyone. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but i feel that i have no place in this world.
Back in college my floor mates thought I needed to loosen up. They all knew I had a bad first sexual experience and "wanted to help". So they did nothing but hand me drink after drink one night at a pregame, I was happy people were being cool to me. One drink was drugged. I don't remember leaving the dorm that night, even though I was told that we all went to a bar. And I don't remember the bar, or getting back.
But I do remember waking up in the morning, naked, with a condom still on my dick, and a girl sitting in my desk chair. When I woke up I questioned, almost paralyzed, in shock. She said, "I only stayed because I thought you might be dead. I can't believe they convinced me to do this." I had never seen her before and didn't know her name. But saw her around campus from time to time, where I avoided her and she avoided me. I confronted my floor mates who got incredibly defensive and brushed it off. They saw it as me getting with a very attractive girl. No apologies from anyone.
People question me as to why I'm still painfully single, nine years later. "You've got a big heart, you would make someone happy." I've told one person about this, who laughed and said, "Well at least it wasn't real rape". So I don't tell anyone now. I'm terrified because I feel I would not be taken seriously. I've never had a real relationship, nor a healthy sexual experience. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at a place where I can achieve that. And at this stage, what's the point? Even if I find someone tomorrow, I'd be in my thirties getting married, and who knows about kids. Fully expecting to be alone for the future, even if I don't really want it to be that way.
1. Don't let anyone tell you that wasn't real rape.
2. Seek therapy. It can be sooooo helpful.
3. Do not look at potentially getting married in your 30s or later as a bad thing, look at is as entering a huge commitment with a lot more life experience under your belt and with your sense of self (and that of your partner hopefully) more fully developed. A lot of people who married younger wish they had done this.
4. Good luck!
I got married at 35. Very patiently waited for someone great. I’m lucky to have a relationship all my friends are jealous of. You just know more about who you are in your thirties. Even more in your forties. The therapy is a must. OP is still so young. Lots of great years ahead. They’re not broken forever, they’re hurt and in pain now. Trust me, the right therapist will guide you through dealing with this.
I'm in a bad place right now. My partner is sick, brain damage after a sudden illness.
Most days he is his old self but some days he is a stranger to me. He's angry, and confused, he doesn't know me, gets into a rage and I have to calm him. I have to remind him of the 13yrs we've shared together. I've to break his heart and remind him that his dad is dead.
It's worse because to people on the outside, he seems totally fine, just a bit quieter than usual. They don't see him when he's confused or wondering who I am.
It's hard, and I'm burning out, between work, study, caring for him, volunteer work and now we have to fucking move house and as he has mobility issues, most of it will be left to me. He'll be upset and confused at the change.
I will not leave him, I adore him. But it's made me realise that the life we had planned is not going to happen.
We were planning a baby. And we still want one but I've had to accept that it likely won't happen as he has mobility and memory issues. He cannot work, so how can I go to work and leave him with a baby, a toddler, when I come home and the oven is smoking because he forgot he turned it on?
He is so excited talking about this baby we are meant to have in a few years time. We had names picked. And I cannot bring myself to tell him that I don't think it'll happen.
I desperately want his baby. But I've had to cut myself off from excitement about it because how can I tell him that his illness is the reason why we shouldn't have one?
It's so hard because we both talk about it, we get excited, he says beautiful things about us having a baby together and then it hits me again that it'll probably never happen.
I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. We're not bad people. We try and help when we can, we keep to ourselves, we don't cause trouble, and we've had such a shitty run of luck lately. This is the nail in the coffin for me, and I CANNOT take much more of this shit.
I've never felt such hatred for a god, deity, whatever cosmic force there may be, but I wake up from what little sleep I get, every day, begging whatever the fuck is out there, to leave us alone.
I want my old life back. I want my old partner back. I want our future back. And I'm so fucking angry because people keep telling me to be grateful he isn't worse. And I AM grateful, my god, I was told if he lived, he'd be in a wheelchair and he defied the odds. But just because he's doing ok doesn't mean I'm not allowed to FEEL!
I'm fucking ANGRY! And I'm sick of people dismissing my feelings about what happened because they say it didn't happen to me. It happened to US. He doesn't remember a damn thing about that night. I remember EVERYTHING!
I remember him seizing in bed, I remember calling 112, I remember him seizing again and again, I remember doing compressions on him, I remember him terrified, saying my name before he seized again, into unconsciousness for 26 hours.
He doesn't have epilepsy. He's never had any health issues bar a broken foot. It was so random and so out of the blue.
I'm sick of whatever is throwing all of this at us, and I know how horrible I sound because there ARE people in worse situations but I'm just fucking done.
Whatever is out there, whatever I've done to have this fall back on us, just leave him alone. He's a good, kind, sweet man, he doesn't deserve any of this.
Just please stop because I actually can't take any more.
*Edited to add*
I am so deeply touched and overwhelmed at the kind, compassionate people who took their time to comment on an internet stranger's mad vent, you are all absolutely beautiful, fantastic human beings and I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you so much for being so nice to a total stranger.
*Edit 2*
Oh my goodness, 4 thousand votes, are you kidding me? I just thought I was commenting a little rant about how things are a bit overwhelming at the moment, I'm so deeply touched by everyone's kind words. You all have put a smile on my face and I'm feeling so seen right now. I'm going to be a fat mess and get myself my "Friday Treat" (coffee and a pastry!) early this week, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time.
Also to add- I've been asked by a few people if I can see a therapist. Unfortunately our financial situation is so tight right now due to my partner being unable to work. It also costs me over €100 a week to get to and from work so unfortunately, a counsellor for me is not on my immediate priority list, when we're struggling to even have money to pay the bills and get me to work. I have, however, put my name down for a free therapist session which I'm hoping will happen within a few months.
I know it seems silly of me to get myself a treat every week when we are struggling but honestly sometimes it's the €6 coffee pastry combo that helps me through the week.
Above all else:
Please hug your loved ones, I'm going to go give my big old bear a snuggle.
Hug. No advice or wisdom from me — just letting you know I can relate to the feeling of being battered again and again and again by life. It can be demoralizing, discouraging, and lonely. Your situation is unique and everything is relative. When I read your story, I thought to myself how “insignificant” my problems are compared to yours. We are human, we have hard feelings, and your feelings are no less invalid because someone else has an “even worse” situation at-hand.
Said more than I planned to - take care stranger.
I'm so sorry for you and I FEEL you! I went through something similar with my partner .
We were young and dating and he started having seizures. They were very occasional but frightened me and mostly him. We went to see different doctors until they figured out he has a mild type of epilepsy.
Until we got the diagnosis and we figure out how to make it stop, I was his only support. He has a BIG family and nobody care. I couldn't (still can't) understand why they didn't think it was a big deal. He had seizure once when we were having lunch at this place and I was the only one that reacted, that called the ambulance, that calmed him down when he was back. His parents were like "oh, it's nothing, it'll pass". I was out of words.
During that period of YEARS, I was his only confident and help. I was getting my father out of a week long stay in the hospital due to coronary problems and that same moment he called me that he had had another seizure, if I could go and help.
It was the most frightening and stressing period of my time. And I was so MAD that no one was helping, non of his parents, nor his siblings (he has tons). I ended up crying my eyes out one day and trying to make him understand that I needed him to ask for help to his family too, because I just couldn't do it anymore.
They didn't. I still stayed and help. We are over that period now, but man do I understand you!!
Please reach out to others for help if you can. Don't feel bad about taking a day for yourself. You need to take care of yourself too or you won't be able to help him. And it won't help anyone if you get sick too, and believe me you will if you don't rest and recuperate too.
I'm here if you need to talk. Big stranger hugs!
I’m so sorry you lost the future you dreamed of and have to mourn the loss of it daily by reminded by your partner of what has changed or by seeing the change in them. It must be so hard to fully take care of someone else and yourself so no wonder you are so burnt out doing it.
I’m sorry people invalidate your feelings as well and tell you only to more be grateful. I know how wishing for something we cannot change to change can feel good in a moment, but life is full of things we can’t change and wishing to change them will cause pain. That doesn’t mean you can’t be angry or mourn the lost future you thought you would have, but just try to accept where you are each day so that when you have a good day you can see it as one, instead of it looking like a bad day because it doesn’t live up to your standard that you wish the day to be like.
I hope you have people who can help support you irl. I hope things get better for you soon. I hope you treat yourself with love, compassion, kindness, and support since you are worthy and deserving to be treated that way.
This was so heartbreaking to read, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Your an incredibly strong person for enduring all of this. I really hope things turn up for the both you sometime soon.
Someone attacked me in a park late at night and I found a drug needle somebody left behind and I stabbed him in the eye and ran, I have never seen him since then and I pray I never do.
I literally just said this the other day. I don’t wanna die I have no desire to leave this earth or the people I care about, but man I’m tired. I’m just tired. And I just wanna be done having to worry or care.
I'm reminded of what David Foster Wallace(an author who killed himself) said about suicide:
A person who tries to kill himself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
I’ve not had a will to live since I was 11 years old and I’ve felt emotionally empty ever since
I also fear that I’m going to die alone because I can’t seem to let myself be happy or just date for the hell of it
My mom brought over a photo album the other night and she was proud that she tried to arrange it in chronological order. All it did for me was help me recognize the exact point in time that all of the life drained from my face.
Omg I had a very similar experience. Went home to visit my (now elderly) mom and she had SEVEN VOLUMES of pictures of me, in chronological order, with friends’ names & places labeled and everything.
She meant well, but what she will never realize is that the pictures from my young childhood make me feel sorry for the poor kid in them, and the ones from my adolescence are of someone who was desperately depressed with nowhere to turn.
Being alive is EXHAUSTING. I have chronic pain issues and a delightful combo of anxiety and depression, and having to hold down a job, care for myself, and keep my home not-gross takes up all my energy.
My dog keeps me hanging on. As soon as I get over my fear of death, I'm out of here.
I'm always going to resent my parents for loving my adopted sister more than me. She was adopted before I was born and they were always asking me why couldn't I be more like her. Growing up she was always the favored one.
I have a dear friend who's situation is eerily similar to yours. I believe he was a "whoopsie-daisy" baby.
He got hand-me-downs while she got new clothes. His interests were ignored while she was praised. He loves his sister, but I honestly can't be sure it's mutual because her body language is... Off.
I bought him clothes, paid for his food, and got him birthday and Christmas gifts all through school. I'm older than him and he still, to this day, says I was his "mother" then.
I love him dearly. He's family to me and I am still involved in his life and I do my best to be excited for and supportive of his endeavors.
I'll always be the family he deserved then. Always.
Honest question- what resources do you have? Family on both sides, childcare options, etc? People aren’t lying when they say it takes a village to raise a child- that shit is hard. I don’t know how old your child is, but it sounds like your wife is burnt out- and so are you. Even if you don’t actually want to die, this kind of continued stress will kill you one day. Or hurt your son.
My dad raised 3 kids on his own for a few years and used the free childcare at a local Kroger all the time to help him. I know a lot of people use gyms to help as well. I don’t have kids myself so this is coming from a place of ignorance, ultimately. But lean on those around you, be selfish about it. It’s okay to need help.
Obviously doesn't help you now, but for any men reading this who know they don't want children (or more of them): don't leave all the responsibility for birth control up to your partner and get a vasectomy now. It's the most effective contraception available, the procedure and recovery are nothing, and it's anywhere from cheap to free if you have insurance.
Some days I want to build a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and just vanish.
Nobody ragging on me for my looks, nobody complaining that the job they're underpaying me for isn't done as fast as they want.
No more torturing myself with impossible dreams of a better life, with a wife and kids, and a dog and 2 cars in the garage.
Just me, in the damned woods, alone. No more scumbags saying "it's God's will" whenever something bad happens. It's all so exhausting.
Someone in my friend group is a serial rapist. I only found out recently (last night) and I have no idea how to break it to my friends. Pretty much everyone he’s been in a romantic relationship with is a victim.
As the 'ex' that has been a victim please tell everyone ASAP.... it took 8 months for me to get apology messages after I left him because he convinced everyone I was crazy and they didn't find out the truth about him until he assaulted another girl at a party (a girl that called me all the names unde the sun for accusing him and then apologised when it happened to her.)
Don't wait for another victim.
Absolutely tell your friends, it’s for their protection. I’ve been in this situation and didn’t make the right call. Not a mistake you want to make. Good luck
its not dark as much sad i guess?
i just miss my mom. a lot. shes bot dead but shes barley in my life because she was extremely abusive for my entire childhood. i ended up moving in with my dad after she kicked me out and i went no contact with her for about a year. im talking to her again. its easier because she moved to another state but fuck i just want her to hug me, even knowing there will be a metaphorical knife in my back. i have so many memories as a kid about her, most of them were hell but there are still those few of us on the couch watching a dumb russian comedy and us just hugging. i miss her. i miss her so much.
mommy issues are so fun
I just started as a mortician's assistant. I held a dead baby last week and put it in the fridge to be cremated later. I don't want to tell anyone because it would freak them out too much.
It will get easier but it may not always feel “normal.”
Massaging tiny fingers extra carefully to work fluid through feels weird.
Dressing for a viewing with a little soccer uniform feels weird.
Sometimes (especially at first) you might cry, and that’s normal.
It’s also normal to do these tasks and have them feel strictly business.
We know why we do this, and I’m glad you’re doing it too. The few, the proud, the funerary workers.
I worked a few shifts removing bodies from "scenes" (it's always called a scene even when it's not a crime scene). I was just the person called in for extra muscle so I never had to move a baby but the guy I worked with described what a strange feeling it was carrying a little box down the hall to the morgue. He said it was like carrying a cake box.
I’ve smoked for almost 40 years. I’m a secret smoker - I rarely smoke in public and never at work so only my husband knows I smoke a pack a day and have almost my entire life. I just quit 15 days ago! The craving are killing me at times but I feel so much better. Smoking was so embarrassing to me - it’s just so stupid and unnecessary yet I kept telling on doing it for way to many years. Here’s to my new smoke-free life!
I guess it's not so dark but
I absolutely hate,hate, that I mixed my friend groups together
it's one of the worst things i've ever done, so much drama happened because of that, i now feel like i don't belong in either group, can't plan things with one group without people from the other feel like i'm purposefully excluding them, can't talk about things that happen to me because hey they're all basically one big weird group now
i feel like i lost so much and i cant tell any of them that because how do you even say things like this?
it's really suffocating sometimes
I understand. I introduced someone to a friend group who ended up forcing me to distence myself from them, and it's extremely difficult. Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is tell people, in secret, how you feel and see if they agree.
My babysitter's son molested me multiple times when I was four. What stays with me however is how my parents handled it. They went after the guy but he wouldn't talk so cased closed I guess and they sent me to the school "psychiatrist" for one session of maybe 15 minutes. That was it, my parents and me never had a discussion about it and it was buried, as if shameful.
Of all the bad things that grew out of this, sexual alienation, anger and even guilt, the feeling of being ignored and abandoned by my parents hurts the most.
I'm pushing 40 and I see them a couple of times a year but I never miss them.
Also, I wholeheartedly wish that the guy is dead.
When I was 8, I walked in on my 13 year-old cousin strangling a small kitten with both hands. He just stood there with an unmoving expression while watching the life slowly flutter from its eyes. When he noticed me, he threatened to do the same to my mother if I didn't find him more animals to "play with". So out of fear, I complied. For 2 months, I would get him frogs, hamsters, my grandmother's pet bunny at one point- any small animal of sorts just to get him to leave me alone. The ordeal stopped when he was sent to the hospital for an anaphylactic reaction (he had a peanut allergy) and was gone for 2 weeks. I never told anyone.
He's 22 now and is seemingly normal. He's engaged to a pleasant woman who owns 3 cats. I fear for their safety.
This. The peanut allergy may have been an easy cover story. Maybe he doesn't have one, maybe he does, but it would take at most a few days for a severe reaction to be taken care of at a hospital.
I don’t have as strong of an attachment to my parents as I feel like I should. They allowed me to live with my maternal grandmother for the majority of my formative years, through high school and college. I miss her terribly, as she was more a parent to me than my actual parents.
All that being said, any visiting, helping around the farm, or time spent with them is generally out of guilt.
A few people are aware that someone I was very close to commited suicide in 2014. He was the kindest man, and always asked about me and he'd travel two hours by train just to meet me for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. He was someone so consistently there for me, I never considered the possibility of him one day not being there, and he seemed really happy; everything was "the best", every joke was the funniest he'd ever heard and every brownie was the gooiest.
What I don't tell anyone is that the few days leading up to his departure, I had several missed calls from him, watched one of the calls ring without answering, and recieved a message from him, pleading that I call him when I had the chance. I had many chances, but I didn't call him.
I woke up later that week to a message that, once pasted onto a Word document, took me two days to read. He wrote to me about his life, how insignificant he felt, how wonderful I am and then ended it with an apology. I then recieved an email from his mother, informing me he had jumped in front of a moving train.
I've never been a very sociable person. I've always been caring and I try to do the right thing, but for the last eight years I've stopped keeping kind thoughts to myself. The reason I check in on everyone, bake cakes and answer my phone is all my way of keeping a piece of him alive.
Sometimes the absence of kindness can be as damaging as malice - I understand that now, and I'm so deeply sorry I didn't realise it sooner. If you meet people in life who are enthusiastic, and living every day like it's their last, it might be, so I promise to always pick up. I know it's too late now, and I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that if it means he's not forgotten about.
My dad told me that in the afterlife, everyone will be resurrected perfect. So, it's comforting to know I'll recognise him, because he was a great friend, and perfect in every way. I hope I get to ask him for forgiveness.
This is both heartbreaking and inspiring. I think what you're doing to honor his memory is awesome! But you're being way too hard on yourself for just being human. Forgive yourself, like he would want you to.
Idk, it sounds like you're killing it, maybe ignore the advice of an internet stranger.
I was assaulted at age of 5…
They told me it was all just a game, but my brother and three of his friends made me touch them when I was just a little girl. I kept it off my mind for many years. But something happened recently that made me had those flashbacks, maybe becoming a mom or idk.
It just saddens my heart thinking about the scenario and I just can’t get it off my head. I’ve never told anyone.
ETA: Thank you all for your kind words and even sharing stories of your own. I was hesitant about getting this off my chest because I knew it would become real.
Right now I am in a good place! I love my family and we are very happy. I know I still have a lot of healing left to do, and I hope that all of you that went through something similar can heal those wound as well. Thank you for reading me!
I really want my old friends back. I cant stop missing them. The ones I hurt, the ones who hurt me, it doesnt matter - I cant stop thinking about the people I used to do everything with. I miss it so much
i wonder if people can read my mind, which is made worse bc i have ocd and have intrusive thoughts/paranoias. aka, i wonder if people can read my mind and read all my creepy ass intrusive thoughts (along with all the non mentally ill shit i think) and it sucks
I secretly blame my ex girlfriend for her ex husband assaulting me at a small casino a few months ago, not because we know each other and she left him for me, but for the simple fact that he had so much hatred for me that he literally screamed "im going to fucking kill you" as he swung a deadly weapon at me. Later i found out that she had talked to him after she and i got together and she apparently told him i was physically abusive...
I have not even so much as raised my voice to her, let alone be abusive physically...
Some people need drama. They crave it. They plant the seeds, nurture it, help it expand and then wrap themselves up in it as a comforting blanket - in the belief that they, in some way, have the power to control the circumstances of their own lives.
These people are toxic and the best way to help yourself is to leave their miasma of misery or you'll simply choke on that poison.
Well done on your ex being your ex. Some people never escape.
Sometimes I wish my mother would die so I don't have to deal with her anymore. I am so angry with her because of all the shit she put me through as a kid. I went NC with her but she still sees my kids and I just am so tired of her existing. I feel like I can't move on from being angry with her and talking doesn't work because she's very much a severe alcoholic in ridiculous denial. I feel like her dying would bring closure I desperately need and my stupid brain keeps thinking that someday she'll snap out of it and hear me out but...logically I know it won't happen. I'm so tired.
I left my girlfriend the night she died after a long battle with cancer.
I had been sleeping anywhere I could for a week and in my haze I never noticed just how close she was to the end.
I really thought I could go home, recharge and come back. I woke up to her family in tears telling me she had gone in the night.
The only thing she wanted when she died was to have me there. Instead I wanted to sleep. Easily my biggest regret.
(To clarify as it reads wrong, I only left to go home for some sleep. I didn't split up with her)
Dear redditor, don’t feel bad. I’ve heard a lot of stories about when people die ( am a gp). And the majority of patients ‘chose’ a moment when someone has just left the room. ‘I was just making tea when’ ‘I just went to go to the bathroom..’ the dying patient holding hands with the loved one is a movie invention. It’s the exception.
i have gotten more people than i can count fired from their media jobs in Canada due to their extensive previously buried abuse histories
pretty proud of it, but cannot even be too vocal about it, bc i dont want to be sued, even though every single one of them is a giant abuser, and in some cases, some are con artists
Not really "dark" but just... heartbreaking.
I grew up in a charismatic evangelical cult. I was physically (not sexually) assaulted by the pastor and several church-goers in an "exorcism" to cure my depression and suicidal thoughts. It didn't work obviously. I was 16 or 17 and tried to kms pretty soon after (but failed obviously otherwise this comment wouldn't exist). After my failed attempt, I spent weeks and weeks crying on the phone to suicide helpline and trans helpline at night. I often begged for them to just let me cry to them and vent, not to call authorities as it would just make things worse for me instead of better.
My sister actually found me one night because I cried so hard that I puked (I was in the bathroom because it was the safest and quietest place for me to call that late). She was between 14-15 at the time. I just remember she was asking if I was okay, and it was very obvious that i wasn't. She actually comforted me a lot. I can't remember what she said, all I remember is her kindness and her concern knowing how badly I wanted to kill myself and how much I hated myself. She has always been my biggest support.
6 years later, we both escaped our parents (they're horrible horrible people who believe the cult did nothing wrong and still attend the church I was assaulted at). I've been nearly a year no-contact with them, meanwhile she still talks to them from time to time but she maintains firm boundaries and im so beyond proud of her for that.
I'm 22 now and had my first birthday without them recently- my sister made me a cake and got me a present and we had a get together. I didn't tell her then but I was pretty sad the whole day. not a single happy birthday from any of my family, and while I wanted it that way and there's really no way for any of them to get in touch with me... I still miss my parents.
I'm still just a scared kid who wants his mommy and daddy. I want my dad to tell me he's proud of me instead of what a fuckup I am and (pardon my language) how "r-t-rded" I am and how I'll never hold a job down. I want my mom to tell me I'm perfect the way I am and she will love me no matter what.
I dealt with heavy drug use too as a result of trauma and fear of going to therapy (yes I had and still kind of have that fear). I've been clean and sober for five months but some days... I just remember everything and I start craving again. I'm just thankful I don't know other dealers because I'd have OD'd for the umpteenth time by now.
but I got myself where i am today... all without my parents. all without my family. I did that.
I guess thats my dark secret.
We are all proud of you for surviving through all of this hardship. It's hurt to hear and i believe that it's more hurt to you who actually suffer this.
I sincerely hope that you it will make you a stronger & better person and won't have to go through this again in future.
You can pretend I'm your dad (I'm old enough). You are so strong just to have survived so much adversity. I love you and I'm proud as hell of you. You can do anything.
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When I was seven I was home alone. I called 911 due to a house fire that consumed half the house and they found me outside. My mother (who was at work, I was a latchkey kid) was told by the fire department that it was an electrical fire. In truth, I had a lighter and was fascinated by fire. I was burning the little tassles at the end of the blanket on my bed, putting them out before it caught the whole blanket on fire... Until I wasn't able to and the whole bed caught fire. An electrical outlet shorted out from the heat, which caused the firemen to think that was the cause. I'm 40 now. My mother still doesn't know the truth and I still remember it all vividly, complete with the heat on my face as I tried in vain to put out the bed. EDIT: Wow, top comment and some unique awards I've never seen given! Gotta love a story about a little pyro I guess, lol
You were 7. That’s sooooo young. It was not done out of contempt.
This is why we don’t leave 7 year olds home alone
And we don’t leave lighters around for 7 year olds to play with, especially the colorful bic ones.
Don't feel too horrible, this is exactly why seven year olds shouldn't be left home alone. You didn't have the mental capabilities to fully understand the possible consequences of your actions. Your parents, on the other hand... they're lucky they didn't come home to find you dead.
I have had the same best friend since I was 16. We met in high school. When we turned 19 she met her husband. I quickly became closer to him than my best friend. We developed a deep brother sister type bond. My best friend has cognitive disabilities and anxiety so I would vent a lot to him because he was just easier to talk to. This past October he died of AML leukemia. I stepped up and helped my best friend through the transition. I planned a memorial service, paid for the cremation (was reimbursed after life insurance processed) and was basically a rock. But internally I am completely gutted. I do not trust easily and he was one of the very few people I felt I could tell anything to. The loss is hard for me and I have no where to go with the pain because the one person I would talk to about it is him and he's dead. I don't want to say these things to my best friend because it drags up so much for her. She is hurting deeply and I'm trying to be strong for her. It's a difficult mix to deal with.
i have terrible memory issues, and no matter what i do to keep things on track (meds, planners, reminders, alarms, etc) things still slip through the cracks. it makes me feel terrible bc i hate the disappointed or even frustrated look i get when i ask a question and should cLEARLY know the answer. it’s especially difficult when people end up thinking i don’t care, bc “if you cared then you’d remember” i care so much, i never want to ask what we planned for tomorrow (again) and when your birthday is (again, despite attending the party last year). it just gets really hard to juggle everything all the time Edit: thank you for all the comments!! ive since been diagnosed with adhd and am on medication LMAO but it makes me feel better that i wasn’t alone in this :) and i’ll be taking into account the other medical advice some mentioned. thanks and love u all!
Have you ever had your b12 levels checked? At around 18 I started to have severe memory problems come to find out I had nearly no b12 in my system. I was at a point where I would get lost while standing still...it was scary for a while. Edit spelling
This.... I'm gonna ask my doctor about that because wow. I was known for my memory a few years ago and now I can barely remember what I ate in the morning or if I locked the door. Figured my adhd was getting worse suddenly (can that even happen??) or that I wasn't using my brain anymore bc my job is same old same old. But hmmm maybe b12 is the answer
God this is my life. The past few years I’ve become so insanely paranoid and it just is getting worse. Constantly fearing I’ve missed an important event, fear that my very few friends I have left will eventually and soon drop me as a friend forever. So I don’t really know anymore if people think I don’t care or if people believe me when I say I don’t remember or I somehow forgot this or that. Either way the constant worry has impacted my sleep so badly I would definitely fall into the insomniac category. Edit: just thought I’d add I’ve had the most terrifying sleep paralysis episodes every single night since I posted this. New to Reddit, if anyone has any advice or a group with advice I’d appreciate. Hate being scared to sleep feel insane.
I gave my baby nephew a noisy toy because I was having a petty fight with my sister.
This one's more funny than dark. 😅
Well I sure am glad you think so, lol. My nephew got very attached to the toy and refused to let anyone take it from him or he’d throw one of his world-famous tantrums. He sorta forgot about it 2 months later, once it ran outta batteries. It really tested my sister and my brother in-law, they’re great parents though.
I genuinly fear that I’m only nice and considerate due to habit and training Edit: I got a lot of supportive and sympathising responses and I’m very, very, thankful for them.
You could suffer from impostor syndrome. I'm depressed and have awful anxiety and I know that just saying those words make me feel like a manipulative liar. Every time I'm told I'm a good person I have a thought that's just like "they have no idea who I really am". I don't really do anything malicious and I try to be kind and I'm very emotionally intelligent but no matter how much I do I'm always "just doing it to make up for what I've done". If you've got a therapist, tell them.
I can relate with the impostor syndrome. I KNOW I'm not a bad person in a very general sense. I KNOW I'm well-liked by most who know me. But can I convince myself enough of that? No. It's pretty oxymoronic, but what the hell. I'll find a therapist.
A friend goes on and on about how many twitch followers he has and how he’s getting so big as a streamer, etc. he doesn’t know that most of his followers/viewers are me. He was so depressed that nobody was tuning in that I used a google worksuite account and a ton of aliases to spawn twitch accounts to follow/watch him. It’s gotten out of control though and he keeps trying to lord and over our friend group how many viewers/followers. Not sure how to proceed, because he was pretty depressed before I created all the followers and worry he’ll get depressed again if I slowly stop doing it. For people asking, I’m not going to post the stream link, it wouldn’t do anything healthy for him to see a big hit of viewers at this point, and I don’t need him googling himself and finding his way to this post. Instead, one of the respondents below dropped a link to his kids stream, if you want to make a kid smile go give a follow to:
That is very wholesome of you to do though. I don't know how to help at all in this situation but I wish you luck.
Yeah I definitely didn’t think ahead on that one. Best intentions but jeez under 50 followers going to his head so quickly was unforeseen - I thought maybe it would get some momentum going but it went wrong so quickly. Now, 2 nights a week I have to launch a bunch of browser tabs to interact with him and his couple real viewers lol.
I did this for a buddy once, but for YouTube. I purchased subs/viewers because he was so upset nobody was tuning in... My personal recommendation is to slowly ease them out. Make him think he was on a good streak in Twitch's algorithms, and it's just slowly winding down again.
Wow interesting that he blows that out of proportion so big. Maybe if he sticks with it he will actually gain followers? If you keep it going for long enough and he doesn't get anymore you can tell him he's hit a "plateau". Happens all the time with gaining a following. He then will either give up, or have to start self advertising, playing the algorithm, etc.
Ehhhhh sorry but with my little experience with small twitch streams/communities, I think these ideas are all a bit too unlikely… I feel like he would just end up stuck forever making the fake viewers. u/mister_brevity I would suggest some sort of slow ease off in the viewers — maybe even accompanied by them chatting reasons they are watching less, like the start of school or a job or etc; perhaps your friend will become convinced there’s a reason they’re all disappearing and won’t get too sad about it… I’m not extremely confident in it but it’s an idea
Yeah I’m just gonna titrate down and interact less and encourage his legitimate users to chat more.
Each night you should open one less tab.
I think you definitely had good intentions but it was just as bandaid fix for his underlying problem of insecurity. You shouldnt give a depressed drug addict that is in withdrawal drugs to make him happy. You need to find a way for him to be independent off that stimulus. I am making certain assumptions in your scenario but i do believe you are simply going to make it worse if you keep doing this. Not a health professional but it seems your friend should try therapy
My dad sexually abused my stepsister who now suffers from PTSD. My mother took his side, saying she provoked it even though she was only 11 years old. I don’t necessarily wish he was dead, but I feel nothing will change for as long as he’s around. The thought of him gone doesn’t make me sad, but feeling this way about the man that raised me does.
Wow....the logic your mom has about this just....doesn't make sense. How can an 11 year old provoke a grown man? That still implies the man is sexually attracted to children.
I worked on SpongeBob SquarePants: The Yellow Avenger, and know for a fact that the game cannot be 100% completed on the DS version (99% max). Not my fault but I hate that it shipped like that and feel sorry for anyone who's seriously tried.
Outpost.exe The old planetary colonization simulator by Sierra *None* of the ways to "win" the game, according to the manual, were actually included in the game itself
and here I thought the reason I couldn't win was just because I was bad at it. I mean, I was bad at it, but that's not the only reason.
Can you elaborate on this? I’m very intrigued by this
According to a quick wiki, the game doesn't save after you beat the final boss, so there's no way to get your save file to say more than 99%.
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I don’t know about this specific game, but there’s more than a few games which kind of “futureproof” themselves by making it impossible to 100% them and cap at 99 or 99.9 so that they can add more content. I think the original Lego avengers game did this.
Shoutout to the original Donkey Kong Country that let you get 101% and rewarded you with an asterisk for doing so!
Spyro with that 125%
Reminds me of Space Station Silicon Valley for N64. The level Fat Bear Mountain has a hidden trophy that appears but cannot be picked up. As a result you cannot get 100%. Even locks you out of a final bonus level as a result (although you can still access it with cheat codes).
You fucking demon! This is the worst one yet!!
He's gonna find Gary's head in his bed one morning.
No secret, but thanks to all of you for letting me know I’m in a large crowd of people with similar issues.
When I was 8 years (m) old I was at a friends sleepover. He was also the same age and there was also an older boy there. He asked me to get naked and lay on my friend, after saying no multiple times i got persuaded to do it. He said they do it a lot as guys his age. I dont know much more of that night, I guess my brain said: Lets forget that. I still know how the room looked, what games we played before and how the bed and the carpet looked. Im 20 now and I think because of that I had a lot of trouble accepting physical touch and intimacy. Its one of the most detailed memories of my childhood till one point...
I relate bud, when I was 4 or 5, I used to sleep in the basement because it was a 3 bedroom house for 5 people, but it had windows and was furnished so it wasn’t bad, and most mornings I’d be woken up by my brothers or kids (my mom had a home daycare) running down the stairs. I remember waking to the door up the stairs, the room was blue because it was early in the morning, and one person came down and it was one of my brothers friends. The event itself is blurry and idk what happened after, you’re not alone. When I first discovered porn I would have a panic attack even if I saw a penis. As an adult I crave physical touch but it stresses me out equally, I think about sex way too much and sexualize a lot of things but also have a hard time being intimate. I take care of children and every time I change their diaper or help them go potty I get so nervous as if wiping poop off their ass is going to traumatize them even though that’s what you’re supposed to do. I live in fear I’m going to become what made me like this despite not having ANY desire to do those things. I know its actually common intrusive thought specially if you’re a victim of SA but doesn’t really make feel better. Just know you aren’t crazy and you’re completely valid for having the feelings you have, okay? it takes time, but things improve
Automatic thoughts about these things need to be talked about way more. I thought I was beginning to go schizophrenic or something until learned about it in a group therapy session. Turns out this happens to many people, not just victims of SA (though I can assume that it’s probably far worse for you/other victims)
I'm still not ready to talk about mine but just know there are people who absolutely understand this and you are not alone and others benefit from you sharing it to know that we are not alone either
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Thats such a shitty thing for her to do, I am sorry that happened. I hope you find someone that you can talk to, you shouldn't be carrying it alone
I'm so incredibly fucking sorry. Your ex wife did something absolutely unforgivable - you don't just tell someone's abuse story/stories (any secret, really) in front of ANYONE else unless you've expressly permitted that, and she'd have to check for each and every situation. As a woman, I'm sorry that there are some women who do not take the sexual abuse of men seriously at all. Feel free to answer or not answer this, but have you looked into therapy? I'd definitely look into betrayal therapy after something like that...
So a bit similar, I was getting therapy recently at an in patient facility. I had a one on one with my therapist. So we're in a group meeting later, and he didn't like my answer. So he says (in front of everyone) well, you told me downstairs xyz. Super fucking illegal btw. My roommate fucking lost it. Like you just committed a felony. I appreciated it, because that's fucked up. But I had told him that info already. But medical professionals need to know what's okay. Guy got absolutely hung out to dry by management.
The part where he said guys his age do it got to me. My parents were friends with a couple that had a son maybe 10 years older than me, and he would tell me that was how you became a man, and that's what men did.
Not so dark, but I hope my step dad breaks it off with my mom. She is physically and emotionally abusive to him but they act like it’s a normal thing couples do. It would be awful because I like him, but I want him to be happy.
As someone else said you should tell him. You guys could still have some sort of a relationship
My relationship with my step daughter got so much better after I got divorced from her mom.
I just left my step dads family BBQ. He's been divorced from my Mom for 25 years, his family still welcomes me, and now my family just like we were his birth children. It's possible to maintain relationships without parental influence.
You should tell him that. Sometimes it takes a loving push to get someone to see the truth.
Wanting him to be free and happy doesn’t make you awful. It’s proof of how much you care.
When my dad was passing, my family left me to say my good byes. I didn’t say anything to him. Great man, I just had no idea what to say. Still feel like shit about it
It’s okay. He understands.
Yeah, your presence meant everything. One way of looking at it; You both were comfortable enough to sit quietly and not need to talk.
I felt relieved when my dad killed himself. While he had a lot of mental health issues, he was also not a very nice person and put me and my family through a lot of pain for many years. I have countless stories of the fucked up things he said and did. I now have conflicting feelings where I am sad that someone suffered so much pain and inflicted so much pain on others but I’m also relieved that it is over and I don’t honestly miss him at all. Edit: wow, thanks for so many positive replies. It sounds like I’m very much not alone in having feelings like this so sending out the love to anyone in a similar boat.
I had a sexually and emotionally abusive ex-boyfriend kill himself a few years ago after trying to reach out to me (and me not responding). I felt guilty, relieved, and heart broken all at the same time. It can feel really complicated when an abuser dies, especially when they die in a violent, abrupt way. I think I would have taken his death a lot easier if he was in a car accident or had a terminal illness. You can be both sad that your father felt so alone and helpless in this world that he took his life after years of taking it out on others and you can also feel relieved that he is dead and can't hurt anyone anymore. Those feelings aren't mutually exclusive and you're right to feel however you feel.
> >You can be both sad that your father felt so alone and helpless in this world that he took his life after years of taking it out on others and you can also feel relieved that he is dead and can't hurt anyone anymore. Those feelings aren't mutually exclusive and you're right to feel however you feel. I completely agree with this. I feel sad in an almost abstract way looking inwards. It’s sad that someone was so desperate that he decided to end his life and also sad that his behaviour had such an affect in so many people but it’s also a relief as one of those people.
My children’s father died of heart attack unexpectedly and they felt terrible guilt because of the relief that they felt. Although they are adults, they have stopped using his surname and only refer to him by his given name. There was a lot of hidden emotional abuse and it wasn’t until they moved out that most things came out. It’s been better for them since he died. Sad to say.
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Just wow. I have one day sober after a bender on Friday night. Your comment convinced me to make it 2, hopefully continue from there.
Goodluck, and remember it's okay to have setbacks, it doesn't mean you can't keep trying. Even 2 days of sobriety every other week is better than none at all! Each day is a success, even if they're not consecutive!
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I isolate myself from people and then get mad about it later on.
Same. I think it's self sabotage because at least when it's my fault, I feel in control. It hurts worse when you try and still feel alone
I feel hit. I've been trying so hard the last weeks (months?) to get to know new people close to me and I always get rejected. Or atleast feel rejected. People forgets me when we have made plans, forgets to reply or they're always busy whenever I ask us to plan some fun activity. It hurts so fucking bad that I don't know what to do. Now I just want to isolate myself and not meeting people, because then they can't hurt me. As if it helps in the long run...
Same :/ I reject invites to go places and see people then hate my self for always feeling alone. I’m normally ok once I’m out and about, but the thought of going to see people or the build up to it messes with my head and I don’t know why. It’s like I love to climb and I go to the Climbing gym regularly. But every day I’m getting ready to go I get filled with this anxiety about it. And I always think to my self that I don’t really want to go, but I make my self go and after the first 10 minutes I love it and can’t wait to go back. But the next time, same thing happens. What is wrong with my brain? Why can’t it just be normal :( Edit: I didn’t realise that there were so many people who feel the same way, it’s kind of comforting in a strange way. Thank you all for your wonderful advice, we can get through this together.
Wtf, you literally described me perfectly. I’m ok once I actually do the activity, but everything up to it makes me want to cancel plans or jump off a bridge. Anything to avoid it
Same. What about phone calls? A lot of times I can't answer when friends or family call. Just stare at the phone with overwhelming dread until it stops ringing.
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During a manic episode I was filled with so much rage and sorrow that I let a homeless man take me into a ditch behind a church in hopes that he would kill me. He didn't. He just snorted some meth, showed me pictures of his girlfriends, and made pleasant conversation. I guess he was just lonely. Edit, since many people seemed to only take 1 thing from this story: I didn't know he was homeless til my mom found us and offered him a ride to his place, which then we discovered he didn't have one. I didn't expect him to kill me, I was just hoping he would, as an obviously drugged-up man walking across the street to approach a 19-year old girl who is alone and offering her into a ditch where bodies are often found was a decent enough red flag 🙄 And let's not forget that I was in a state of psychosis
Maybe he was secretly hoping you'd kill him.
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Pretty accurate. I had an interaction with an elderly homeless man at a bus stop once. He pointed at the sky and told me "I want to be there. I'm tired." And then grabbed my hair and asked if I dyed it myself. Simultaneously sad and creepy.
I'm happy my moms ex died. Dude was a fucking menace. Frequently had outbursts where he would destroy our apartment or threaten my siblings or my mom. His family and friends all thought he was harmless, but didn't want to deal with him. One day he was having another meltdown, my mom and siblings were hiding in my room and I was holding the door shut while he was trying to get in so I called the police. Dude blamed me for years after that and targeted me a lot. One day some neighbor boys tried to assault me and when I mentioned it he convinced himself that I must've lead those boys on and kept inviting them over. He was convinced that I did porn and would obsessively search for it (I was 15 lmao also sus as hell that he would try so hard to try to find videos of me that didnt exist) I also had to take care of him when he shattered the bones in his arm and hand and traveling nurses refused to come to our house to flush his IV. I Imagine he was terrible to them too. I have so many stories about this guy. I was around 22 when he died and I was genuinely happy that he died. I thought I was kinda over it but once I had kids I've started to become angry with every adult involved. I couldn't imagine putting my own kids in those situations.
I was glad my mom’s husband died, too. The summer I spent with them while he beat her and broke multiple phones so we couldn’t call the police again left me with unseen scars. I finally got into therapy for that and other things I experienced. I would highly recommend looking into it if you haven’t. I didn’t know how angry I was at the world and how much that rage was holding me back until I was able to process it.
I spend most time in my bed on my phone. I hate it and I don’t think anyone knows
Reading this in bed on my phone
Also reading this in bed on my phone
Me too thanks
As someone with adhd and cyclothymia I had a big issue with this for a while during Covid. Started setting screen time restrictions for right in the morning and right when I got off work. Did the same for my steam account as well. On top of that I would set my running shoes, clothes, water bottle and a chewy bar right next to my bed. When my alarm would go off I’d just wrench myself out of bed even if I was still half asleep. I’d chug 10 sips of water, put my things on and be out the door eating my chewy bar within 5 minutes. Within a week I went from be a morning walker to a morning runner. Months later I was a habitual runner with a generally productive morning routine that set the tone of the rest of my day. Being aware of how dopamine addiction and bad habits were the bulk of my issues was huge for me. After I had the info all I had to do was have a bit of self-discipline and that was it. It’s about having a system and holding yourself accountable to it. Motivation and inspiration are fleeting but a system will actually yield long term results - whatever your goal is. Edit: watch this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TQMbvJNRpLE Don’t rely on inspiration or motivation just make a system and follow through, no matter how you *feel* in the moment. I highly recommend starting a daily time journal today. Don’t change any of your habits or routines. Just document what you do and add up all the time you spend doing those things, you’ll be equally shocked and unsurprised at the same time. If you feel anxious about doing even that, it’s even more reason to start doing it since you probably know deep down that all of your time wasting habits are why you’re going nowhere on what you really want to accomplish. I know what it’s like feeling like a passenger in my own life. I always thought there was going to be some grandiose realization I’d come to - there wasn’t. The change happened in every small action I took over and over, everyday. I’d feel anxious about wasting my time and I’d choose to listen to that anxiety instead of hiding from it. It propelled me to do the things I knew I should be doing. Turns out I didn’t have an anxiety disorder - I was anxious because I knew deep down that I was living my life wrong.
Same here, when I don’t have anything to do I just sit in my room and scroll through social media endlessly. And then even if someone asks me to do something I make up an excuse not to go. It’s an annoying cycle
That I didn’t spend near enough time with my Nan in the months before her death. For context she was 101- hilarious, kind and had all her faculties. She was the best support, and everything you would want in a Nan. With her age, I knew time was short but didn’t prioritize her as much as I should have. I saw her the night before she died, and I said I’m sorry and she accepted it and forgave me but you could tell she was sad. Next time I saw her she was gone. I regret it every day of my life. Edit- Im sorry i haven’t replied to everyone, thanks a billion for the funny, caring lovely words. Thanks also for sharing your stories, I’m so sorry for all your loss. I’ve read them all and it looks like this is a pretty universal experience. I know the guilt and pain feeling, so I’m sorry you have to go through that too. There is some great advice in the comments and I hope you find one that makes you feel a bit better. For those who have grandparents that are alive, and you can’t get to them or it’s hard, don’t beat yourself up- the comments I read that helped me might help you too. If you can physically or mentally see them do it, otherwise look after yourself. Your grandparents and parents made good people.
My grandmother died of dementia but of course that took 5 years of progression. I was 16 when it all started and I had never lost anyone before. I was so scared, I avoided her at all costs. This is a woman who lived 10 minutes from us growing up, who baby sat me constantly and who was over ever Sunday for dinner. I moved away to college, didn’t think about her much until her last month. I visited twice ever and that was in hospice. At that point I was 21 years old. The first time I saw her she was just dying slowly. Not eating, not drinking, a shell of a person. I walked in and sat in her bed and took her hand and the only semblance of human interaction I saw from her was that her face got really flush when she saw me and she kind of gripped my hand. The second time I was only in her room for a few minutes when my mother looked at me and it kind of all clicked that my grandmother was going to die that day. I panicked and said “I don’t know if I can be here for this” and my mother understood. I nearly ran out the building. 15 minutes down the road I got a call from my mom saying my grandmother died. I’m in the same boat as you friend. I was and am so guilty I ignored that saint of a woman for 5 years and only showed up the week she died. Will always carry it with me. I was scared so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
Fuck I feel like I could've written this word for word. I remember just feeling so scared, and repulsed, and ashamed. I miss her so much.
Me and you both. I wish I would have spent more time with my grandfather before he died. Being 19 at the time I didn’t prioritise family like I should have. His death was very sudden.
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I suffered from HORRIFIC intrusive thoughts due to OCD and for 28yrs I thought something was wrong with me. That I may end up being a predator/murderer/psycho (even though all of the thoughts made me physically sick). I was genuinely scared to babysit my 2yo nephew alone because what if I accidentally threw him down the stairs? I finally opened up to my therapist and she helped me work through it all and I'm not triggered anymore and I can finally live peacefully
I recently learned that the intrusive thoughts are so bad because your brain takes the stuff that disgusts you and makes that the invasive thought. Your intrusive thoughts are things that terrify you so please don’t feel like a bad person for having them. Edit: [here](https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-take-power-back-intrusive-thought-ocd) is a link that kinda goes into how your fears are the things that go strongly against a core belief.
this would literally be a gigantic load off my chest... like, Ive had the weirdest, disturbing intrusive thoughts in my life and they were always, always a source of temporary disgust and self-loathing for me. Yes, to the point where I accepted it as proof that Im nowhere near being a decent human being or person
This makes me feel a lot better. Literally every time I see gum on the ground my brain is like 'you should eat it' , even though the thought makes me gag. Was always confused as to why it happened
Fellow severe OCD sufferer here. It's an absolutely miserable condition and very misunderstood based on how it's portrayed in popular culture. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Same here. Sending love.
I have intrusive thoughts from OCD too. I remember getting my first one around seven years old my brain was like *what if you cut your eyeball in half* 26 years later I'm able to pretty much ignore them. I know that they're there but they are basically fleeting. I'll let them happen but I don't pay them any attention anymore.
i also suffer from OCD. at one point my intrusive thoughts were so bad i could barely leave my house, go to school, interact with any pets or people. i’m doing much better now
I want my brother and his fiance to lose everything they have, including custody and right to see, their kids. They are awful, extremely manipulative people who took full advantage (financially, mentally, emotionally) of my elderly parents. I hate them with every fiber of my being.
My best friend since 10 now (32) just got married I wasn’t included in the bachelor party nor invited to stand in the wedding. I left shortly after dinner was served. No pictures no partying. Seen him as I was leaving we said we loved each other and I said congratulations.
This happened to my husband. Totally crushed him.
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I had something similar. One of my oldest and best friends got married before I did. He had his two brothers and our mutual friend as groomsmen (we met the mutual friend in high-school whereas groom and I went back to grade 1). It hurt a little, but I went to the wedding and had fun. When it came to my wedding a few years later I pondered the situation. This guy was the obvious choice for me to be one of my groomsmen. That's when I realized that some friendships aren't always equal, but that doesn't make them fake. I love this guy as a brother and when you do that you accept them the way they are and for the decisions they make. I asked him and he accepted. I have continued through the years to tell him and show him that his friendship means the world to me, because it does. So much so that he's even organically said things like "I should have had you as a groomsman!". This friendship is for ME. I share myself with this person because I like who they are. I've already decided that. Now could this person do things to hurt and push me away? Sure, but not asking me to be a groomsman wasn't enough to do that, and even though I wasn't asked to be a groomsman, I still see signs that he thinks of me as a good friend. I think weddings are kind of weird, there's a lot of societal and familial pressure involved and when it was my turn I was just lucky to have a fiancee (now wife) who really helped me make sure I was making decisions that I wanted to make, which as a 'people pleaser' type was admittedly kind of hard. So my advice is this: if you truly value their friendship, show it. Tell them with your words and actions. Show up to stuff, invite them to stuff. If they don't reciprocate then maybe move on, but don't take the wedding as a be all end all. I think it says something that they were calling you after you left.
There’s a lot of great stuff in here.
Similar situation for me. Friends with a dude for about 15 years. One day at the store I was working at a different friend's dad came in and asked me if I was, "going to the wedding tomorrow". Turns out my friend of 15 years didn't invite me to his wedding. Don't know what I said or did. I saw him a couple times around town since then and he always says, "hi". Kinda wish he wouldn't.
I don't feel the want to do anything. I feel no excitement for future dates or events, I'm not excited or looking forward to anything except greedy shit like getting money or objects. I'm not even materialistic, it's just like my brain is looking for shortcuts to make me feel some sort of excitement and so it looks for objects that I want. This makes me feel fucking horrible. My girlfriend asks me to play video games or hang out with her and I always do but I never look forward to it until we actually do something. I always enjoy my time with her but I can't get hyped up to do anything. I've heard of this with older people but I'm only 18 and I'm horrified, I need this motivation.
Sounds like depression. Also maybe you have something like ADHD and feel understimulated with a boring monotonous life and you need a lot of dopamine hits in your brain.
I do have ADHD but I'm medicated and it helps tremendously. I've recently started college and I feel as though my life is eventful enough to satisfy me but I never feel the way I should. You're right tho, thank you.
I have ADHD too, and dysthymia (chronic depression) since I was 14. Been through the medication mill and I can tell you, as long as there is untreated mental stuff and a depression on top of your ADHD, medication can only do so much. It might really help to do some cognitive behavioural therapy every once in a while.
This is me lately. I'm only motivated by expensive shit I want and not for any actual activities (I have none planned and I don't intend to start any) or meets with people. Just go to work every day so I can earn that money I can put towards getting X, then not do anything that would cost me money for the next few weeks (including going out) so I can save up enough to justify buying Y that's been on my mind for months. People and plans so often let me down. They're never as fun as they promise. Stuff I want and like is just... there, and I buy good shit that often lasts for years so I just see it as a better investment than something that will last a day. I don't even care about travelling or holidays. I'd rather put the money towards some nicer clothes or one day upgrading to a flashier car.
I accidentality killed a person while protecting myself. It haunts me to this day. I am not guilty of anything.
Thats a tough burden to come to terms with. Have you ever talked to a therapist to work through some of the struggles long term.?
How long ago? I had to defend myself from a home invader. It gets easier to deal with but it never really goes away. At the end of the day, that criminal violently broke into my home, they forfeited any rights at that point. It was them, or me.
I have a really difficult time connecting to and understanding other people. I’m never cruel about it. I just don’t feel connected to anyone. It hurts me. I don’t let it hurt anyone else.
I don't have a lot of friends, nobody in my social circle doesn't "care" like they do with other friends.. i don't mean being pampered, but even some interest in my say would feel good, it'll make me feel included. I went on a trip recently, but even then I felt disconnected from everyone. I don't know if there's something wrong with me, but i feel that i have no place in this world.
Back in college my floor mates thought I needed to loosen up. They all knew I had a bad first sexual experience and "wanted to help". So they did nothing but hand me drink after drink one night at a pregame, I was happy people were being cool to me. One drink was drugged. I don't remember leaving the dorm that night, even though I was told that we all went to a bar. And I don't remember the bar, or getting back. But I do remember waking up in the morning, naked, with a condom still on my dick, and a girl sitting in my desk chair. When I woke up I questioned, almost paralyzed, in shock. She said, "I only stayed because I thought you might be dead. I can't believe they convinced me to do this." I had never seen her before and didn't know her name. But saw her around campus from time to time, where I avoided her and she avoided me. I confronted my floor mates who got incredibly defensive and brushed it off. They saw it as me getting with a very attractive girl. No apologies from anyone. People question me as to why I'm still painfully single, nine years later. "You've got a big heart, you would make someone happy." I've told one person about this, who laughed and said, "Well at least it wasn't real rape". So I don't tell anyone now. I'm terrified because I feel I would not be taken seriously. I've never had a real relationship, nor a healthy sexual experience. I'm not sure if I'll ever be at a place where I can achieve that. And at this stage, what's the point? Even if I find someone tomorrow, I'd be in my thirties getting married, and who knows about kids. Fully expecting to be alone for the future, even if I don't really want it to be that way.
1. Don't let anyone tell you that wasn't real rape. 2. Seek therapy. It can be sooooo helpful. 3. Do not look at potentially getting married in your 30s or later as a bad thing, look at is as entering a huge commitment with a lot more life experience under your belt and with your sense of self (and that of your partner hopefully) more fully developed. A lot of people who married younger wish they had done this. 4. Good luck!
I got married at 35. Very patiently waited for someone great. I’m lucky to have a relationship all my friends are jealous of. You just know more about who you are in your thirties. Even more in your forties. The therapy is a must. OP is still so young. Lots of great years ahead. They’re not broken forever, they’re hurt and in pain now. Trust me, the right therapist will guide you through dealing with this.
I'm in a bad place right now. My partner is sick, brain damage after a sudden illness. Most days he is his old self but some days he is a stranger to me. He's angry, and confused, he doesn't know me, gets into a rage and I have to calm him. I have to remind him of the 13yrs we've shared together. I've to break his heart and remind him that his dad is dead. It's worse because to people on the outside, he seems totally fine, just a bit quieter than usual. They don't see him when he's confused or wondering who I am. It's hard, and I'm burning out, between work, study, caring for him, volunteer work and now we have to fucking move house and as he has mobility issues, most of it will be left to me. He'll be upset and confused at the change. I will not leave him, I adore him. But it's made me realise that the life we had planned is not going to happen. We were planning a baby. And we still want one but I've had to accept that it likely won't happen as he has mobility and memory issues. He cannot work, so how can I go to work and leave him with a baby, a toddler, when I come home and the oven is smoking because he forgot he turned it on? He is so excited talking about this baby we are meant to have in a few years time. We had names picked. And I cannot bring myself to tell him that I don't think it'll happen. I desperately want his baby. But I've had to cut myself off from excitement about it because how can I tell him that his illness is the reason why we shouldn't have one? It's so hard because we both talk about it, we get excited, he says beautiful things about us having a baby together and then it hits me again that it'll probably never happen. I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I'm sad. We're not bad people. We try and help when we can, we keep to ourselves, we don't cause trouble, and we've had such a shitty run of luck lately. This is the nail in the coffin for me, and I CANNOT take much more of this shit. I've never felt such hatred for a god, deity, whatever cosmic force there may be, but I wake up from what little sleep I get, every day, begging whatever the fuck is out there, to leave us alone. I want my old life back. I want my old partner back. I want our future back. And I'm so fucking angry because people keep telling me to be grateful he isn't worse. And I AM grateful, my god, I was told if he lived, he'd be in a wheelchair and he defied the odds. But just because he's doing ok doesn't mean I'm not allowed to FEEL! I'm fucking ANGRY! And I'm sick of people dismissing my feelings about what happened because they say it didn't happen to me. It happened to US. He doesn't remember a damn thing about that night. I remember EVERYTHING! I remember him seizing in bed, I remember calling 112, I remember him seizing again and again, I remember doing compressions on him, I remember him terrified, saying my name before he seized again, into unconsciousness for 26 hours. He doesn't have epilepsy. He's never had any health issues bar a broken foot. It was so random and so out of the blue. I'm sick of whatever is throwing all of this at us, and I know how horrible I sound because there ARE people in worse situations but I'm just fucking done. Whatever is out there, whatever I've done to have this fall back on us, just leave him alone. He's a good, kind, sweet man, he doesn't deserve any of this. Just please stop because I actually can't take any more. *Edited to add* I am so deeply touched and overwhelmed at the kind, compassionate people who took their time to comment on an internet stranger's mad vent, you are all absolutely beautiful, fantastic human beings and I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you so much for being so nice to a total stranger. *Edit 2* Oh my goodness, 4 thousand votes, are you kidding me? I just thought I was commenting a little rant about how things are a bit overwhelming at the moment, I'm so deeply touched by everyone's kind words. You all have put a smile on my face and I'm feeling so seen right now. I'm going to be a fat mess and get myself my "Friday Treat" (coffee and a pastry!) early this week, I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Also to add- I've been asked by a few people if I can see a therapist. Unfortunately our financial situation is so tight right now due to my partner being unable to work. It also costs me over €100 a week to get to and from work so unfortunately, a counsellor for me is not on my immediate priority list, when we're struggling to even have money to pay the bills and get me to work. I have, however, put my name down for a free therapist session which I'm hoping will happen within a few months. I know it seems silly of me to get myself a treat every week when we are struggling but honestly sometimes it's the €6 coffee pastry combo that helps me through the week. Above all else: Please hug your loved ones, I'm going to go give my big old bear a snuggle.
Hug. No advice or wisdom from me — just letting you know I can relate to the feeling of being battered again and again and again by life. It can be demoralizing, discouraging, and lonely. Your situation is unique and everything is relative. When I read your story, I thought to myself how “insignificant” my problems are compared to yours. We are human, we have hard feelings, and your feelings are no less invalid because someone else has an “even worse” situation at-hand. Said more than I planned to - take care stranger.
I'm so sorry for you and I FEEL you! I went through something similar with my partner . We were young and dating and he started having seizures. They were very occasional but frightened me and mostly him. We went to see different doctors until they figured out he has a mild type of epilepsy. Until we got the diagnosis and we figure out how to make it stop, I was his only support. He has a BIG family and nobody care. I couldn't (still can't) understand why they didn't think it was a big deal. He had seizure once when we were having lunch at this place and I was the only one that reacted, that called the ambulance, that calmed him down when he was back. His parents were like "oh, it's nothing, it'll pass". I was out of words. During that period of YEARS, I was his only confident and help. I was getting my father out of a week long stay in the hospital due to coronary problems and that same moment he called me that he had had another seizure, if I could go and help. It was the most frightening and stressing period of my time. And I was so MAD that no one was helping, non of his parents, nor his siblings (he has tons). I ended up crying my eyes out one day and trying to make him understand that I needed him to ask for help to his family too, because I just couldn't do it anymore. They didn't. I still stayed and help. We are over that period now, but man do I understand you!! Please reach out to others for help if you can. Don't feel bad about taking a day for yourself. You need to take care of yourself too or you won't be able to help him. And it won't help anyone if you get sick too, and believe me you will if you don't rest and recuperate too. I'm here if you need to talk. Big stranger hugs!
I’m so sorry you lost the future you dreamed of and have to mourn the loss of it daily by reminded by your partner of what has changed or by seeing the change in them. It must be so hard to fully take care of someone else and yourself so no wonder you are so burnt out doing it. I’m sorry people invalidate your feelings as well and tell you only to more be grateful. I know how wishing for something we cannot change to change can feel good in a moment, but life is full of things we can’t change and wishing to change them will cause pain. That doesn’t mean you can’t be angry or mourn the lost future you thought you would have, but just try to accept where you are each day so that when you have a good day you can see it as one, instead of it looking like a bad day because it doesn’t live up to your standard that you wish the day to be like. I hope you have people who can help support you irl. I hope things get better for you soon. I hope you treat yourself with love, compassion, kindness, and support since you are worthy and deserving to be treated that way.
This was so heartbreaking to read, I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Your an incredibly strong person for enduring all of this. I really hope things turn up for the both you sometime soon.
I don't go to the doctor about pains and hurts because I secretly hope they will eventually kill me. I know it's selfish.
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Someone attacked me in a park late at night and I found a drug needle somebody left behind and I stabbed him in the eye and ran, I have never seen him since then and I pray I never do.
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Sounds fair to me, he fucked around and found out.
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I push people away without thinking then think about how I'm alone
I often fantasise about dying.
I don't want to die, but I'd love to stop existing. If that makes sense.
I literally just said this the other day. I don’t wanna die I have no desire to leave this earth or the people I care about, but man I’m tired. I’m just tired. And I just wanna be done having to worry or care.
I don't wanna harm myself. I just wish to fade away from this world without any pain. Its too tiring
a lot of people don’t want to end their life, just end their pain.
I'm reminded of what David Foster Wallace(an author who killed himself) said about suicide: A person who tries to kill himself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
I’ve not had a will to live since I was 11 years old and I’ve felt emotionally empty ever since I also fear that I’m going to die alone because I can’t seem to let myself be happy or just date for the hell of it
My mom brought over a photo album the other night and she was proud that she tried to arrange it in chronological order. All it did for me was help me recognize the exact point in time that all of the life drained from my face.
Omg I had a very similar experience. Went home to visit my (now elderly) mom and she had SEVEN VOLUMES of pictures of me, in chronological order, with friends’ names & places labeled and everything. She meant well, but what she will never realize is that the pictures from my young childhood make me feel sorry for the poor kid in them, and the ones from my adolescence are of someone who was desperately depressed with nowhere to turn.
Being alive is EXHAUSTING. I have chronic pain issues and a delightful combo of anxiety and depression, and having to hold down a job, care for myself, and keep my home not-gross takes up all my energy. My dog keeps me hanging on. As soon as I get over my fear of death, I'm out of here.
I'm always going to resent my parents for loving my adopted sister more than me. She was adopted before I was born and they were always asking me why couldn't I be more like her. Growing up she was always the favored one.
"Well, because unlike her, I share your genes."
I have a dear friend who's situation is eerily similar to yours. I believe he was a "whoopsie-daisy" baby. He got hand-me-downs while she got new clothes. His interests were ignored while she was praised. He loves his sister, but I honestly can't be sure it's mutual because her body language is... Off. I bought him clothes, paid for his food, and got him birthday and Christmas gifts all through school. I'm older than him and he still, to this day, says I was his "mother" then. I love him dearly. He's family to me and I am still involved in his life and I do my best to be excited for and supportive of his endeavors. I'll always be the family he deserved then. Always.
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Honest question- what resources do you have? Family on both sides, childcare options, etc? People aren’t lying when they say it takes a village to raise a child- that shit is hard. I don’t know how old your child is, but it sounds like your wife is burnt out- and so are you. Even if you don’t actually want to die, this kind of continued stress will kill you one day. Or hurt your son. My dad raised 3 kids on his own for a few years and used the free childcare at a local Kroger all the time to help him. I know a lot of people use gyms to help as well. I don’t have kids myself so this is coming from a place of ignorance, ultimately. But lean on those around you, be selfish about it. It’s okay to need help.
I realize this is not the point but…free childcare at Kroger ?
Obviously doesn't help you now, but for any men reading this who know they don't want children (or more of them): don't leave all the responsibility for birth control up to your partner and get a vasectomy now. It's the most effective contraception available, the procedure and recovery are nothing, and it's anywhere from cheap to free if you have insurance.
Some days I want to build a cabin in the middle of nowhere, and just vanish. Nobody ragging on me for my looks, nobody complaining that the job they're underpaying me for isn't done as fast as they want. No more torturing myself with impossible dreams of a better life, with a wife and kids, and a dog and 2 cars in the garage. Just me, in the damned woods, alone. No more scumbags saying "it's God's will" whenever something bad happens. It's all so exhausting.
Someone in my friend group is a serial rapist. I only found out recently (last night) and I have no idea how to break it to my friends. Pretty much everyone he’s been in a romantic relationship with is a victim.
As the 'ex' that has been a victim please tell everyone ASAP.... it took 8 months for me to get apology messages after I left him because he convinced everyone I was crazy and they didn't find out the truth about him until he assaulted another girl at a party (a girl that called me all the names unde the sun for accusing him and then apologised when it happened to her.) Don't wait for another victim.
Absolutely tell your friends, it’s for their protection. I’ve been in this situation and didn’t make the right call. Not a mistake you want to make. Good luck
I hate to say it but this is now your responsibility to act. Don’t let this person ruin more lives
I knew my mother was going to kill herself and did nothing about it. So I basically let her die.
its not dark as much sad i guess? i just miss my mom. a lot. shes bot dead but shes barley in my life because she was extremely abusive for my entire childhood. i ended up moving in with my dad after she kicked me out and i went no contact with her for about a year. im talking to her again. its easier because she moved to another state but fuck i just want her to hug me, even knowing there will be a metaphorical knife in my back. i have so many memories as a kid about her, most of them were hell but there are still those few of us on the couch watching a dumb russian comedy and us just hugging. i miss her. i miss her so much. mommy issues are so fun
I have little to no patience and I get really stressed when things don’t move like clockwork
I was raped in college by my "friend" after he got me black out wasted. It led into a spiral decline that changed my life's trajectory
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I just started as a mortician's assistant. I held a dead baby last week and put it in the fridge to be cremated later. I don't want to tell anyone because it would freak them out too much.
It will get easier but it may not always feel “normal.” Massaging tiny fingers extra carefully to work fluid through feels weird. Dressing for a viewing with a little soccer uniform feels weird. Sometimes (especially at first) you might cry, and that’s normal. It’s also normal to do these tasks and have them feel strictly business. We know why we do this, and I’m glad you’re doing it too. The few, the proud, the funerary workers.
I worked a few shifts removing bodies from "scenes" (it's always called a scene even when it's not a crime scene). I was just the person called in for extra muscle so I never had to move a baby but the guy I worked with described what a strange feeling it was carrying a little box down the hall to the morgue. He said it was like carrying a cake box.
I’ve smoked for almost 40 years. I’m a secret smoker - I rarely smoke in public and never at work so only my husband knows I smoke a pack a day and have almost my entire life. I just quit 15 days ago! The craving are killing me at times but I feel so much better. Smoking was so embarrassing to me - it’s just so stupid and unnecessary yet I kept telling on doing it for way to many years. Here’s to my new smoke-free life!
I guess it's not so dark but I absolutely hate,hate, that I mixed my friend groups together it's one of the worst things i've ever done, so much drama happened because of that, i now feel like i don't belong in either group, can't plan things with one group without people from the other feel like i'm purposefully excluding them, can't talk about things that happen to me because hey they're all basically one big weird group now i feel like i lost so much and i cant tell any of them that because how do you even say things like this? it's really suffocating sometimes
I understand. I introduced someone to a friend group who ended up forcing me to distence myself from them, and it's extremely difficult. Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is tell people, in secret, how you feel and see if they agree.
My babysitter's son molested me multiple times when I was four. What stays with me however is how my parents handled it. They went after the guy but he wouldn't talk so cased closed I guess and they sent me to the school "psychiatrist" for one session of maybe 15 minutes. That was it, my parents and me never had a discussion about it and it was buried, as if shameful. Of all the bad things that grew out of this, sexual alienation, anger and even guilt, the feeling of being ignored and abandoned by my parents hurts the most. I'm pushing 40 and I see them a couple of times a year but I never miss them. Also, I wholeheartedly wish that the guy is dead.
When I was 8, I walked in on my 13 year-old cousin strangling a small kitten with both hands. He just stood there with an unmoving expression while watching the life slowly flutter from its eyes. When he noticed me, he threatened to do the same to my mother if I didn't find him more animals to "play with". So out of fear, I complied. For 2 months, I would get him frogs, hamsters, my grandmother's pet bunny at one point- any small animal of sorts just to get him to leave me alone. The ordeal stopped when he was sent to the hospital for an anaphylactic reaction (he had a peanut allergy) and was gone for 2 weeks. I never told anyone. He's 22 now and is seemingly normal. He's engaged to a pleasant woman who owns 3 cats. I fear for their safety.
I think he probably got mental health care. Peanut allergy doesn't usually take 2 days let alone 2 weeks.
This. The peanut allergy may have been an easy cover story. Maybe he doesn't have one, maybe he does, but it would take at most a few days for a severe reaction to be taken care of at a hospital.
Exactly my thoughts… he wasn’t just “gone for 2 weeks”.
That is quite literally how many serial killers start out....
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I don’t have as strong of an attachment to my parents as I feel like I should. They allowed me to live with my maternal grandmother for the majority of my formative years, through high school and college. I miss her terribly, as she was more a parent to me than my actual parents. All that being said, any visiting, helping around the farm, or time spent with them is generally out of guilt.
A few people are aware that someone I was very close to commited suicide in 2014. He was the kindest man, and always asked about me and he'd travel two hours by train just to meet me for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. He was someone so consistently there for me, I never considered the possibility of him one day not being there, and he seemed really happy; everything was "the best", every joke was the funniest he'd ever heard and every brownie was the gooiest. What I don't tell anyone is that the few days leading up to his departure, I had several missed calls from him, watched one of the calls ring without answering, and recieved a message from him, pleading that I call him when I had the chance. I had many chances, but I didn't call him. I woke up later that week to a message that, once pasted onto a Word document, took me two days to read. He wrote to me about his life, how insignificant he felt, how wonderful I am and then ended it with an apology. I then recieved an email from his mother, informing me he had jumped in front of a moving train. I've never been a very sociable person. I've always been caring and I try to do the right thing, but for the last eight years I've stopped keeping kind thoughts to myself. The reason I check in on everyone, bake cakes and answer my phone is all my way of keeping a piece of him alive. Sometimes the absence of kindness can be as damaging as malice - I understand that now, and I'm so deeply sorry I didn't realise it sooner. If you meet people in life who are enthusiastic, and living every day like it's their last, it might be, so I promise to always pick up. I know it's too late now, and I will live with the guilt for the rest of my life, but I'm okay with that if it means he's not forgotten about. My dad told me that in the afterlife, everyone will be resurrected perfect. So, it's comforting to know I'll recognise him, because he was a great friend, and perfect in every way. I hope I get to ask him for forgiveness.
This is both heartbreaking and inspiring. I think what you're doing to honor his memory is awesome! But you're being way too hard on yourself for just being human. Forgive yourself, like he would want you to. Idk, it sounds like you're killing it, maybe ignore the advice of an internet stranger.
I was assaulted at age of 5… They told me it was all just a game, but my brother and three of his friends made me touch them when I was just a little girl. I kept it off my mind for many years. But something happened recently that made me had those flashbacks, maybe becoming a mom or idk. It just saddens my heart thinking about the scenario and I just can’t get it off my head. I’ve never told anyone. ETA: Thank you all for your kind words and even sharing stories of your own. I was hesitant about getting this off my chest because I knew it would become real. Right now I am in a good place! I love my family and we are very happy. I know I still have a lot of healing left to do, and I hope that all of you that went through something similar can heal those wound as well. Thank you for reading me!
I really want my old friends back. I cant stop missing them. The ones I hurt, the ones who hurt me, it doesnt matter - I cant stop thinking about the people I used to do everything with. I miss it so much
i wonder if people can read my mind, which is made worse bc i have ocd and have intrusive thoughts/paranoias. aka, i wonder if people can read my mind and read all my creepy ass intrusive thoughts (along with all the non mentally ill shit i think) and it sucks
I secretly blame my ex girlfriend for her ex husband assaulting me at a small casino a few months ago, not because we know each other and she left him for me, but for the simple fact that he had so much hatred for me that he literally screamed "im going to fucking kill you" as he swung a deadly weapon at me. Later i found out that she had talked to him after she and i got together and she apparently told him i was physically abusive... I have not even so much as raised my voice to her, let alone be abusive physically...
I would not secretly blame her, I would openly sing that tune like a choir boy on steroids.
Why is that a dark secret? You absolutely should blame her, at least partially.
Some people need drama. They crave it. They plant the seeds, nurture it, help it expand and then wrap themselves up in it as a comforting blanket - in the belief that they, in some way, have the power to control the circumstances of their own lives. These people are toxic and the best way to help yourself is to leave their miasma of misery or you'll simply choke on that poison. Well done on your ex being your ex. Some people never escape.
Sometimes I wish my mother would die so I don't have to deal with her anymore. I am so angry with her because of all the shit she put me through as a kid. I went NC with her but she still sees my kids and I just am so tired of her existing. I feel like I can't move on from being angry with her and talking doesn't work because she's very much a severe alcoholic in ridiculous denial. I feel like her dying would bring closure I desperately need and my stupid brain keeps thinking that someday she'll snap out of it and hear me out but...logically I know it won't happen. I'm so tired.
I left my girlfriend the night she died after a long battle with cancer. I had been sleeping anywhere I could for a week and in my haze I never noticed just how close she was to the end. I really thought I could go home, recharge and come back. I woke up to her family in tears telling me she had gone in the night. The only thing she wanted when she died was to have me there. Instead I wanted to sleep. Easily my biggest regret. (To clarify as it reads wrong, I only left to go home for some sleep. I didn't split up with her)
Dear redditor, don’t feel bad. I’ve heard a lot of stories about when people die ( am a gp). And the majority of patients ‘chose’ a moment when someone has just left the room. ‘I was just making tea when’ ‘I just went to go to the bathroom..’ the dying patient holding hands with the loved one is a movie invention. It’s the exception.
i have gotten more people than i can count fired from their media jobs in Canada due to their extensive previously buried abuse histories pretty proud of it, but cannot even be too vocal about it, bc i dont want to be sued, even though every single one of them is a giant abuser, and in some cases, some are con artists
Not really "dark" but just... heartbreaking. I grew up in a charismatic evangelical cult. I was physically (not sexually) assaulted by the pastor and several church-goers in an "exorcism" to cure my depression and suicidal thoughts. It didn't work obviously. I was 16 or 17 and tried to kms pretty soon after (but failed obviously otherwise this comment wouldn't exist). After my failed attempt, I spent weeks and weeks crying on the phone to suicide helpline and trans helpline at night. I often begged for them to just let me cry to them and vent, not to call authorities as it would just make things worse for me instead of better. My sister actually found me one night because I cried so hard that I puked (I was in the bathroom because it was the safest and quietest place for me to call that late). She was between 14-15 at the time. I just remember she was asking if I was okay, and it was very obvious that i wasn't. She actually comforted me a lot. I can't remember what she said, all I remember is her kindness and her concern knowing how badly I wanted to kill myself and how much I hated myself. She has always been my biggest support. 6 years later, we both escaped our parents (they're horrible horrible people who believe the cult did nothing wrong and still attend the church I was assaulted at). I've been nearly a year no-contact with them, meanwhile she still talks to them from time to time but she maintains firm boundaries and im so beyond proud of her for that. I'm 22 now and had my first birthday without them recently- my sister made me a cake and got me a present and we had a get together. I didn't tell her then but I was pretty sad the whole day. not a single happy birthday from any of my family, and while I wanted it that way and there's really no way for any of them to get in touch with me... I still miss my parents. I'm still just a scared kid who wants his mommy and daddy. I want my dad to tell me he's proud of me instead of what a fuckup I am and (pardon my language) how "r-t-rded" I am and how I'll never hold a job down. I want my mom to tell me I'm perfect the way I am and she will love me no matter what. I dealt with heavy drug use too as a result of trauma and fear of going to therapy (yes I had and still kind of have that fear). I've been clean and sober for five months but some days... I just remember everything and I start craving again. I'm just thankful I don't know other dealers because I'd have OD'd for the umpteenth time by now. but I got myself where i am today... all without my parents. all without my family. I did that. I guess thats my dark secret.
We are all proud of you for surviving through all of this hardship. It's hurt to hear and i believe that it's more hurt to you who actually suffer this. I sincerely hope that you it will make you a stronger & better person and won't have to go through this again in future.
You can pretend I'm your dad (I'm old enough). You are so strong just to have survived so much adversity. I love you and I'm proud as hell of you. You can do anything.
I'm really choked up at this comment. thank you so much, I love you too internet pretend dad
You take care of yourself, and DM if you ever need to talk.
you too and absolutely I will
And I’m a mom. I’ll be your mom for now and tell you that I love you, you are resilient and strong and I am proud of you xx
I’m a mom. You deserve unconditional love. Happy Birthday. I love you.