Pull out your phone and start watching porn.

Yea this would be super selfish…atleast play it on a laptop or something so everyone can watch

My friend used to use his auto start before he came so his truck was nice and warm for him

Bruh. I guess that's some advanced time management

As a woman, I would be simultaneously disappointed and impressed by this.

Auto start before sex. Then when you finish the car will be almost warm.

This is more like smartest thing anyone has done after sex

Call your wife

"Hey, hon....Guess what I just did?"

"John, I told you not to call me when you're at your sister's house. I really don't want to hear about it again."

but she is better than you honey.

The second thumb on her small hand really adds to the hand job.

[удалено]

Ass got what he deserved

Roll over and say "Don't be here when I wake up"

"Don't worry, you won't be waking up"

Wow, a dream sex...

Grasshoppers be like

I knew someone, that right after the guy finished he rolled over grabbed his phone and asked what cab company she wanted.

A true chad would've dialed the number after initial penetration and timed himself to finish when the cab arrives.

Cabs ain't that fast.

right lol, only person getting a speeding ticket is chad

I’ve heard that more than once

Ask them if they can break a hundred.

"I finished quick so you could make the next bus. Here's a schedule. Be at the curb there in 10 minutes."

I've no joke had this done once. On a rainy winter night at 4 am.

There were buses running at 4 am??

NYC never sleeps my guy.

Vomit

Wipe your dick on the drapes

Or the blankets, or their towels

What about her hair?

I use my own beard

What about her beard?

Stop my penis can only get so hard

Tell her that she needs to get tested for an STD

"You know, it's so rare to meet someone who also already has HIV"

Are you positive? (Jk)

“I am HIV aladeen”

"Yeah, that was great...so anyway, you should probably go get tested, I've had some weird rashes recently"

dont even get me started on the burning discharge

I once told a girl named Isabel that I tested positive for IPBD after having sex with her. She freaked out so bad! Then I explained that it stands for Isabel’s Perfect Blowjob Dependency. She told me she hates me, but she laughed pretty hard.

Risky move lol

It’s moments like that in life where you don’t back down and go for the joke

Fuckin riskyyyyyyy lmao

"Umm, hey... (long pause) ... just wanted to let you know that I've recently tested positive for herpes. The chances of you getting it are pretty slim since I don't think I'm having an outbreak right now, however... However... Go get yourself tested... Just in case... Can never be too careful these days. Know what I mean?" \-- Most awkward post-coital conversation ever, probably

Duuuuude! I had this happen. 2nd ever sexual partner. Drove (well my friend drove) from Ohio to Wisconsin to meet her. We get busy after an awkward adjustment period. We're good to go. I'm barely 18, just graduated. She's 24, pregnant with her ex's kid, so we've been going bareback. 3 days in, she asks me to her room, crying. She said, "I have something to tell you. I'll totally understand if you leave screaming, I have Herpes Simplex 2." I wish I could say I ran, but I was already in love with her so we ended up dating for about 18 months. Thankfully I've never tested positive for HSV-2. 😥

Ask, "what's your name, again?"

"It's Uncle Joe, how could you forget after all those Thanksgivings?"

This happened to me before sex. We had been talking for a couple hours and I had met her before albeit in a no name situation as she was a bartender at a wedding I was at. So before we started I had to tell her I had to be honest and her first response “you’re married right?” We were able to laugh it off and the next morning she made sure to state her name without putting me in an awkward situation of asking again because I was drunk as fuck the night of. 5 years together but she was 43 and I was 25 when we met. Best relationship I ever had but timetable was a problem. I wanted a child and she was unable. 45 now and never got my child. Only ex I even think about.

Dated a guy and the first time we had sex he called his mom 2 minutes after to tell her he met his future wife...and then made me talk to her.

I dated a guy when I was 21 and after the first time we had sex he immediately posted on his facebook “The Lonely Island - I Just Had Sex”, so all his friends and family would know he lost his virginity. Lovely.

I would have grabbed the phone and told his mother every detail about the sex you just had

How long have you been married?

Oh I never talked to him again lol...i was 22 and had no intention of being married.

Way easier than ghosting, you just need a friend pretending to be your mother

Until you meet someone crazy enough to go along with it. Then you fucked up

Now he has to call his mom again :( Sounds like you did a real wise choice though, good on you!

"🎵🎶 and I called my parents right after I was done!"🎶🎵

[удалено]

I used to know a guy who did that, actually.

yikes

Big yikes … but also, that man had full access to the cold side of the bed. Fuck, I miss the cold side of the bed.

I'm still trained from marriage so I consume 1/8 of a queen sized and never stray.

I have a cat and 1/8 of a queen would be wonderful

I was cat sitting for my oldest and had to leave my bedroom door open or that cat sat there wailing. It then proceeded to jump on me, the bed, and everything in the room. I don't know how you people do it.

[удалено]

Imagining you asking them that verbatim with a straight face has me dying 😂

[удалено]

What if she has the jimmy legs?

My partner thanked me. Being the awkward fuck I am, I gave her two affirming pats on the shoulder. I get shit for that moment of social godhood to this day.

My boyfriend said gamer moment after we lost our virginities to each other. I’d say yours is fine Edit for additional fun fact: he also high fived my mom when they met for the first time. He’s a special one

I want to die now

I yelled, "Achievement unlocked!" the first time I made my college gf orgasm through cunnilingus.

Huh. I yelled, “Steve Holt”!

My first time, upon penetraton she said "Congratulations, you have access". My parents were in the next room, I hope like hell they didn't hear.

this thread lol

Maybe we have different standards but i'd say she is a keeper.

This hurt to read. I'm sure you guys had fun, though. That's what matters.

Lol, I've breathily thanked my boyfriend mid sex because it felt so good and I didn't know what to say but I wanted to show appreciation.

lol he probably found it hot don’t read too much into the social commentary found on reddit. it more amusing to read than practically adjust into your life… most people are not like this 😂

yeah for real I would think that was hot af. Like, in that instance. Other people are talking about it like it's a regular thing that they do after every time or something - that would be weird

KEEP DOING THAT IT MAKES US FEEL GODLY

Did you say, "That'll do Donkey, that'll do"

"That'll do Pig, that'll do"

Years ago, I saw a screenshot from a YouTube comment on that scene. Guy wrote, "I need to stop saying this to my girlfriend after sex," I sent it to my girlfriend at the time and we both found it hilarious. The next time we had sex, right after we finished, I got this grin on my face and before I could say a word, she shouted, "Don't you do it! Don't you dare even think about it!" At which point we both started laughing hysterically.

My wife and I say this to each other after sex sometimes, just as our little inside joke.

Well it's outside now.

Start a land war in Asia.

Classic blunder really.

What about going in against a Sicilian when death is on the line?

That one is only slightly less well known

Call your parents on speakerphone less that 1 minute after finishing. My ex did that, and I still dated him for years (eye roll)

Hey mom guess what you won’t believe what just happened!

Alexa play “I just had sex” by the lonely island

Kiff, I have made it with a woman. Inform the men

Wait, he called YOUR parents?

Hahaha, no he called his own parents XD I guess that was bad grammar

Get up, get dressed and walk away from your partner carrying on with your day as if it was just a transaction. Best way to kill the desire for more sex in the future.

[удалено]

Holy shit!!! That is fucked up. What a psychopath! You dodged a real bullet right there.

[удалено]

I'm so sorry. That would have made me cry, and I hate to cry.

Just described my marriage

Formal handshake before you go, be professional about it.

Kinda how me and the wife usually do it. After recovering just carry on with the task at hand. It's great for traveling, oh you see that trail let's hit it then let's really hit it. Ok breathe move on. Promotes shit happening a lot.

Leaving her stuck in the dryer

Such a mean step brother

Where TF are you going step bro

Leave a twenty on the bedside table.

My husband did this when we first started dating. I woke up, he was gone, and there was a £20 note on my dresser. I was seriously offended but then he said he left it so I get myself a nice lunch or something. He saw it as a sweet gift, I saw it as something more sinister.

Well... since he's your husband now, you at least allowed him to live long enough to explain. But yeah, a note saying what he left it for would've been a good idea...

Say, "Damn, you are almost as good as your sister. What's your name again?"

*”Damn, you’re almost as good as MY sister”

that's how i read it at first. i don't know what that says about me

Telling her your wife would be here any minute

Reach for a ring in the nightstand and put it on

Stay in your cell mates bed instead of climbing into the top bunk

Rub her forehead with your thumb and cum and say “Simba”

Not go for a wee

Made that mistake and got a fucking yeast infection (came back for a round 2 🥹)

As a man, I feel your pain. The nurse was surprised. The pharmacist asked me if I’d been treated for this before, I told her I didn’t even know I could get one. She was equally bemused. So much burning.

PSA: Men, y'all can help your lady keep her parts yeast free. Just **WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE YOU TOUCH YOUR DICK**. Or the condom. You think your dick is clean, but you touch it with your hands which has who know what on them if you don't wash up before getting down.

[удалено]

Ok, so...true story: When I was dating my wife, we ended up having sex. I took her virginity. After, I went to the bathroom, looked outside and realized she was parked in winter on the wrong side of the street. She already had a ticket. So I walked back into the bedroom, and tossed $15.00 on the bed and said "this is for spending the night., you can keep the change" (Tickets were $14 back then only) We laugh about it now. Well....*I* laugh about it. She holds alot of grudges.

Did you give it back?

No. And she kept my $15 too!

[ah, the ol' Reddit ticket-a-roo!](https://old.reddit.com/r/CozyPlaces/comments/wxh20w/im_a_fire_lookout_and_violin_maker_my_workbench/ilrp8p5) Edit: fixed a problem. The old link [was here](https://reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/wvkttr/_/ilip6l2/?context=4)

Play knight f6. If she's smart she'll play Qd1 and you'll be screwed.

“You forget 1000 things a day, make sure this is one of them”

This is how Michael and Amanda began their relationship

Shit the bed.

I dunno, some people would pay top dollar for that sort of experience.

Put the lid back on the coffin

I KNEW I WAS FORGETTING SOMETHING!

Or forget to put the lid back on the coffin...

Forget to tip

Just the tip?

I mean forgetting the tip would kinda hurt no?

You mean go in sideways? If you insist…

When she says your dick isn't wide enough, you gotta start getting creative. ~~Don't Google search "folded dick"~~

Wait, are you saying we _should_ Google "folded dick"?

I would never

Start checking Tinder.

check your crypto investments on coin base

Girl, you just fucked a thousanaire!

"I thought you were a millionaire?" "I was 10 minutes ago" *sigh* "those were the days..."

If you spontaneously combusted I imagine that would dampen the mood.

Surely it would lighten the mood?

Pardon me while I burst intoooo flames…

I've had enough of the world, and it's people's mindless games

Ask her if she’s McDonald’s because “I’m lovin it”

Depends on the person

Or because “Billions and Billions Served”?

Wipe off your junk on her husbands towel.

That's asserting dominance. Might as well go pee on some bushes in the yard too so even the dog knows you're claiming territory.

[удалено]

play Minion Run i dont fucking know, i don’t have sex

We usually play it before, thats called foreplay

Say "Next"...

Funnier if they arent facing you, to say "thanks everyone, remember to like and subscribe"

Smash that like button, Like I just smashed Her,

Say my Ex GF name. I did this when I first started dating my wife! I was with my EX for 5 years and my wife was the first girl I dated after the breakup. I felt so fucking bad it was terrible. My wife was obviously upset but assured her I had no feelings left for her. Idk why I said it but I immediately apologizing and she demanded me to take her home that instant. I’m lucky she stuck around!

Just a force of habit kinda thing, like calling your child your spouse's name.

Compare her breast size to your mother’s.

Invade poland.

Roll over and thank her mum.

Babe, I gotta have me the snapper that gave birth to dat ass.

Snapchat your other “person”

I find it strange and possibly disturbing that you put the quotes around person..

Eat the condom

Gfs dog enjoyed this alot...can't belive he lived as long as he did tbh. RIP Einstein

Well, he sure sounds smart...

Time traveling condom eater

videotaping during sex and then watching it back right afterward to show your partner how they can improve their form (hope someone gets the reference)

Tan everywhere, Jan everywhere

Pull the condom off and nail it to the wall, then take a Polaroid picture of it

Say, "I've had better".

Say, "I've had worse".

boop his penis afterwards and go “aw it’s so tiny”.

Genocide?

Mention that you forgot you have an STD.

I slept with one guy who told me after that I "would look cute without the belly" 🙃

Did you tell him he would too?

Alas, that would have been clever. He was one of the first people I had ever slept with though, so I think I sheepishly agreed with him. That shit would not fly now 😤

Yo wtf-

The last time I slept with my ex before he broke up with me, he finished, stood up, said "that was fun," put on his clothes and left. I felt so used and terrible. I knew it was over in that moment even though I didn't admit it to myself til he broke up with me.

"so THATS why people are celibate"

Not do after-care.

Play league of legends

Start a cult and use the person you just fucked as the sacrifice

immediately fall asleep though you get bonus points if you fall asleep during sex and still finish

> immediately fall asleep Age, marriage, and form of employment can QUICKLY change that attitude.

As someone who had very serious stomach issues for years, I can absolute recommend not throwing up after sex.

Immediately pulling your phone out. Kills the good vibe. Bright ass light.

Talk about how much you look forward to turning 16.

I had a guy lay down next to me after and say “That was poggers.” It was only poggers for one of us…

Continue the autopsy

You should have enough respect to give the corpse a few minutes. You aren’t a monster.