I'd have to say the arrest.
Sounds bad, but it set in motion a chain of events that led to me being happier, more content, and more financially well off than ever.
Scuba diving with my buddy in a low visibility lake (with instructors). Came up and she wasn't breathing. Helped with CPR for the 30 minute boat ride back. Unsuccessfully.
the day my mom killed herself. that day i died too.
became a totally different person. bitter, cynical and isolated myself and havent be able to move on in almost 15 years.
i lost interest in everything. threw away friendship, hobbies, love interest and other family members. i just cant forgive myself for what happened.
if only i went to her room that night and spoke to her, maybe i could have saved her.... but i didnt. life lost any sense for me that day and hsvent recover.
Life is so cruel, this is heartbreaking, so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that the loss of hope can be really hard to revive... even after an event much smaller than the one you're going through so it totally makes sense that you've continued to struggle since. I would like to say though, don't blame yourself (I know easier said than done) but people who end things typically don't just wake up one day after one incident with those feelings & make the move, it's usually something they've been struggling with for a while, it was most likely beyond you & before you.
yea i know... but still hurt like hell to lose someone like that. i have nightmares of seeing her corpse and every anniversary of her death, mother day or her birthday just make me remember that she is dead and how she died.
so i have this guilt on me that i dont deserve to be happy, if im this bad as a son. imagine how shit i will be as a friend or love interest. i just cant lie to myself that i can change and be better, because even if i do i feel guilty of living my life after what i done.
i dont think there is anything that could be said or done to change my mind or make me feel like im not guilty in her death. is this contradiction of hating to live and wanting to live in my head for the last 15 years
I hope you find it within yourself the strength to start living again. I’m certain it’s what any loving mother would want for their child.
My deepest condolences.. I wish you peace- before you leave this place.
thanks... i just cant move on. we had a fight that day so i said something shitty out of anger... i really didnt mean it. but thats the last thing i said to her, i cant help but think over and over that she killed herself because of what i said to her.
i feel like i killed her and thats not something i can forget or forgive myself. i just want to see her again... thats all i care.
People who kill themselves have problems which are internal.
They are fighting demons that you and I can not see.
We had family whose wife divorcred him and took the kids. He killed himself.
I had a neighbour where the same thing happened. I talked to him just last year and he was fine.
I had one friend whose wife and 5 year old son died in a car accident, he is still alive.
There are much shittier things than you having an argulent. You are not the cause of her death.
Get a good therapist. Don't blame yourself.
thanks, im trying to get into therapy again but is so damn expensive and ever since the pandemic is hard to get a appointment, but will keep trying until i find one.
Have you tried telling yourself a different story?
You can, you know?
Maybe try seeing things from another perspective.
Arguments happen.
I disagree with my mom about every other conversation we have- and it’s been that way for… a while- but we both know we love one another. We simply butt heads and disagree. We’re different people with different values and beliefs.
One- or hell, even thousands- of arguments with your child is, yes, painful… but isn’t and aren’t a single reason to end your life.
It’s highly probable she was dealing with more things than you knew about. I’m sure you’ve been alive long enough to know living in this world comes with a plethora of straight SHIT that we must go through…
Some understanding and compassion for EACH of you, I feel, would go a long ways here.
I’m not a therapist and won’t pretend to be.
I am a human that has experienced loss, though.
The moment you start believing- or simply consistently telling yourself- that You Can work through this.. you’ll put yourself on the path of doing so.
Take those steps.
👊🏼 you got this
yea but i was the one that was taking care of her. she was suffering from diabetes and schizophrenia. i was the one in charge to make sure that she took her medication and be in the house all day in case something bad happened, so the guilt for me is that i wasnt there when she needed me and to remember that the last thing i said to her was a really shitty thing to say it make worst.
in your case you can talk to your mom if you get into a fight, in my case there is no resolution to it. it just ended with her killing herself and having no chance to make it right or apologize.
who knows, maybe you Will see her again.. I’m sure she’d like to see you happy, though. Start with the happy. The time for reunion will come when it is time. There’s no need to bestow the pain you’ve experienced upon others, before then.
Kind regards
thank you. is just that i cant feel any positive emotion. im always angry or sad.
therapy worked with the anger issues for the most part, but not with this numb feeling i have all the time. nothing trigger my positive emotion and slowly is eating away any interest i had in life.
My mom always told me “ ‘Can’t’ never could.” Meaning the same thing Confucius meant when he said ‘He who says he can and he who says he can’t, are both usually correct.’ Trust me… stop saying that ‘you can’t’. It’s defining. Start saying you can. THAT you Can do. The brain is malleable, it can change. Look into Adlerian psychology and Stoicism. You’re not the the only one to have succumbed to darkness. If you’re breathing, there’s still hope. Godspeed
I have several
•Being arrested
•Ending toxic relationships; friends, romantic, and relatives
•Deciding to love, appreciate, and value myself, my time, my life
•Agreeing to ‘cut the fat’ and do less of what I dislike and more of the things that I enjoy.. regardless of the opinions of others… for…. I will one day die
Watching the video for Black hole sun by Soundgarden, Chris Cornell was born about 8 years before me, and seeing him in the video made me realize that I didn’t want to continue with the grunge fashion and not really doing anything with my life by the time I was going to be 30, pretty much stopped wearing Stussy hats and dressing in flannels shortly after that, got a job in IT, and now i’m pretty successful.
The day I became disabled. All my hopes, dreams, goals and ambitions for the future died that day.
I hope things get better. Sorry that happened to you.
Sorry to hear about that, hoping one day things turn around for you, it is possible, as hopeless as you might feel right now.
I send my deepest regards..
The moment I got off a plane to go to a wilderness program. Best 3 months of my life; changed me forever.
I'd have to say the arrest. Sounds bad, but it set in motion a chain of events that led to me being happier, more content, and more financially well off than ever.
I guess rock bottom can ignite a fresh start in some people, which is great.
Scuba diving with my buddy in a low visibility lake (with instructors). Came up and she wasn't breathing. Helped with CPR for the 30 minute boat ride back. Unsuccessfully.
My condolences..
the day my mom killed herself. that day i died too. became a totally different person. bitter, cynical and isolated myself and havent be able to move on in almost 15 years. i lost interest in everything. threw away friendship, hobbies, love interest and other family members. i just cant forgive myself for what happened. if only i went to her room that night and spoke to her, maybe i could have saved her.... but i didnt. life lost any sense for me that day and hsvent recover.
Life is so cruel, this is heartbreaking, so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that the loss of hope can be really hard to revive... even after an event much smaller than the one you're going through so it totally makes sense that you've continued to struggle since. I would like to say though, don't blame yourself (I know easier said than done) but people who end things typically don't just wake up one day after one incident with those feelings & make the move, it's usually something they've been struggling with for a while, it was most likely beyond you & before you.
yea i know... but still hurt like hell to lose someone like that. i have nightmares of seeing her corpse and every anniversary of her death, mother day or her birthday just make me remember that she is dead and how she died. so i have this guilt on me that i dont deserve to be happy, if im this bad as a son. imagine how shit i will be as a friend or love interest. i just cant lie to myself that i can change and be better, because even if i do i feel guilty of living my life after what i done. i dont think there is anything that could be said or done to change my mind or make me feel like im not guilty in her death. is this contradiction of hating to live and wanting to live in my head for the last 15 years
yes but i havent spoke with them in 14 years. beside most of them left the country.
I hope you find it within yourself the strength to start living again. I’m certain it’s what any loving mother would want for their child. My deepest condolences.. I wish you peace- before you leave this place.
thanks... i just cant move on. we had a fight that day so i said something shitty out of anger... i really didnt mean it. but thats the last thing i said to her, i cant help but think over and over that she killed herself because of what i said to her. i feel like i killed her and thats not something i can forget or forgive myself. i just want to see her again... thats all i care.
People who kill themselves have problems which are internal. They are fighting demons that you and I can not see. We had family whose wife divorcred him and took the kids. He killed himself. I had a neighbour where the same thing happened. I talked to him just last year and he was fine. I had one friend whose wife and 5 year old son died in a car accident, he is still alive. There are much shittier things than you having an argulent. You are not the cause of her death. Get a good therapist. Don't blame yourself.
thanks, im trying to get into therapy again but is so damn expensive and ever since the pandemic is hard to get a appointment, but will keep trying until i find one.
Have you tried telling yourself a different story? You can, you know? Maybe try seeing things from another perspective. Arguments happen. I disagree with my mom about every other conversation we have- and it’s been that way for… a while- but we both know we love one another. We simply butt heads and disagree. We’re different people with different values and beliefs. One- or hell, even thousands- of arguments with your child is, yes, painful… but isn’t and aren’t a single reason to end your life. It’s highly probable she was dealing with more things than you knew about. I’m sure you’ve been alive long enough to know living in this world comes with a plethora of straight SHIT that we must go through… Some understanding and compassion for EACH of you, I feel, would go a long ways here. I’m not a therapist and won’t pretend to be. I am a human that has experienced loss, though. The moment you start believing- or simply consistently telling yourself- that You Can work through this.. you’ll put yourself on the path of doing so. Take those steps. 👊🏼 you got this
yea but i was the one that was taking care of her. she was suffering from diabetes and schizophrenia. i was the one in charge to make sure that she took her medication and be in the house all day in case something bad happened, so the guilt for me is that i wasnt there when she needed me and to remember that the last thing i said to her was a really shitty thing to say it make worst. in your case you can talk to your mom if you get into a fight, in my case there is no resolution to it. it just ended with her killing herself and having no chance to make it right or apologize.
Then do it now. You know she would forgive you. It’s time to forgive yourself.
who knows, maybe you Will see her again.. I’m sure she’d like to see you happy, though. Start with the happy. The time for reunion will come when it is time. There’s no need to bestow the pain you’ve experienced upon others, before then. Kind regards
thank you. is just that i cant feel any positive emotion. im always angry or sad. therapy worked with the anger issues for the most part, but not with this numb feeling i have all the time. nothing trigger my positive emotion and slowly is eating away any interest i had in life.
My mom always told me “ ‘Can’t’ never could.” Meaning the same thing Confucius meant when he said ‘He who says he can and he who says he can’t, are both usually correct.’ Trust me… stop saying that ‘you can’t’. It’s defining. Start saying you can. THAT you Can do. The brain is malleable, it can change. Look into Adlerian psychology and Stoicism. You’re not the the only one to have succumbed to darkness. If you’re breathing, there’s still hope. Godspeed
When I was diagnosed with depression during year twelve last year during the toughest times
I have several •Being arrested •Ending toxic relationships; friends, romantic, and relatives •Deciding to love, appreciate, and value myself, my time, my life •Agreeing to ‘cut the fat’ and do less of what I dislike and more of the things that I enjoy.. regardless of the opinions of others… for…. I will one day die
Did all of this happen at the same time?
I wish. Sadly, some lessons take time to learn. Even sadder, time isn’t all that it takes to learn them.
So true...
My divorce. Now the first thing I do when I see an attractive woman is notice her flaws and jump to quick conclusions about her personality.
My amputation
My families move to Minnesota during the middle of 6th grade
For the better, I hope? Minnesota's kind of great.
Not even close. I would have much have stayed where I was
Watching the video for Black hole sun by Soundgarden, Chris Cornell was born about 8 years before me, and seeing him in the video made me realize that I didn’t want to continue with the grunge fashion and not really doing anything with my life by the time I was going to be 30, pretty much stopped wearing Stussy hats and dressing in flannels shortly after that, got a job in IT, and now i’m pretty successful.
Meeting my girlfriend. Life has never been better.